0:00:12 > 0:00:16This programme contains adult humour
0:00:22 > 0:00:25APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:31CHEERING
0:00:31 > 0:00:34Thank you.
0:00:34 > 0:00:35Thank you, thank you.
0:00:35 > 0:00:37Thank you. Good evening and welcome.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41I'm John Bishop. This is The Big Year 2012.
0:00:41 > 0:00:44It has been an unbelievable year for all of us
0:00:44 > 0:00:46and what I'm going to do tonight is show you some of the things
0:00:46 > 0:00:49that have made me laugh and some of the things that will
0:00:49 > 0:00:52stand out in my memory over the last 12 months.
0:00:52 > 0:00:54And there's also going to be some sketches along the way that
0:00:54 > 0:00:57show how Britain and the rest of the world has reacted to
0:00:57 > 0:00:59the events of this Big Year.
0:00:59 > 0:01:05Like the Greeks showing us how they coped with their financial crisis.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06THEY SOB
0:01:06 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Oh, we are Greek.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Now, 2012 has been a massive year for the most famous
0:01:25 > 0:01:29family in the world - our own Royal Family.
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Forget annus horribilis,
0:01:36 > 0:01:402012 for the Royals turned out to be annus amazeballs.
0:01:40 > 0:01:43Royalist revellers were handed out more pageants
0:01:43 > 0:01:46and parades than they could shake a sceptre at.
0:01:48 > 0:01:52A cynical nation became united - hosting street parties,
0:01:52 > 0:01:56camping out and, most importantly, looking like fools.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Hello.
0:01:58 > 0:02:01It was to be the greatest event in living memory.
0:02:02 > 0:02:07The climatic conditions are ideal for a British summer celebration.
0:02:07 > 0:02:10LAUGHTER
0:02:10 > 0:02:15But even torrential, blinding rain couldn't dampen our spirits.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18And the millions watching at home were able to experience
0:02:18 > 0:02:22the event in all its majestic, moist glory.
0:02:24 > 0:02:29To cap it all off, we had Gary Barlow's special Jubilee Concert.
0:02:29 > 0:02:30He's a good boy.
0:02:30 > 0:02:32He'll go far. He'll go far.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Knighthood in the bag, eh, Gary?
0:02:35 > 0:02:39Yes, 2012 has been an incredible year for the Royals.
0:02:39 > 0:02:41See you next year, Queenie.
0:02:41 > 0:02:43APPLAUSE
0:02:46 > 0:02:49The Jubilee this year, to be fair, was a wash-out.
0:02:49 > 0:02:52It was no-one's fault, it was a wash-out cos of the weather
0:02:52 > 0:02:56but it showed the true British spirit that we have got.
0:02:56 > 0:03:00New York City gets a bit of rain, they evacuate the city.
0:03:00 > 0:03:04What do we do? We get our flags out and go, "Go on, Queenie."
0:03:04 > 0:03:05LAUGHTER
0:03:05 > 0:03:07What I love about it is that
0:03:07 > 0:03:10when somebody was deciding what to do to celebrate
0:03:10 > 0:03:13the Diamond Jubilee, they said, "Do you know what we are going to do?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16"You know what we are going to do for this momentous occasion?
0:03:16 > 0:03:20"We're going to put you and all your family on a boat."
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Cos that's who you want to be with on a bank holiday -
0:03:22 > 0:03:24all your family(!)
0:03:24 > 0:03:27"We are going to put you, Queen, and all the family on a boat
0:03:27 > 0:03:29"and then we are going to put that boat on the river
0:03:29 > 0:03:34"and then we are going to get a load of other boats to go past that boat.
0:03:34 > 0:03:36"That'll be a great day out, won't it?"
0:03:36 > 0:03:37LAUGHTER
0:03:37 > 0:03:41The best was Prince Philip. Prince Philip was stood like that.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:48"This is the last time I come to work do with you. This is shit."
0:03:48 > 0:03:50LAUGHTER
0:03:50 > 0:03:53And the Queen's going, "No, leave it." He says, "It's crap."
0:03:53 > 0:03:56She says, "I'd come to a work do with you if you had a bleeding job."
0:03:56 > 0:03:59LAUGHTER
0:03:59 > 0:04:01You could see the domestic was building up.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03I can imagine what would have happened that night.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05They've gone home to their house, he's said,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08"Look, I'm sick of this going to your work do's. That was crap.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11"I was freezing cold, I was wet. It was rubbish, it was boring.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14"It was just poor people floating past."
0:04:14 > 0:04:16LAUGHTER
0:04:16 > 0:04:18He's obviously turned round and said,
0:04:18 > 0:04:20"Listen, Liz, I'm not coming tomorrow
0:04:20 > 0:04:23"to this disco thing you've got with Gary Barlow.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25"I'm not bothering." And then it was brilliant.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28This shows how normal their family is
0:04:28 > 0:04:31because the following day Prince Philip didn't go.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Like most husbands, he's gone, "That's it, I'm not bothering.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36"I'm not putting my coat on, I'm not leaving the house."
0:04:36 > 0:04:40Now, he is Prince Philip, he is the Duke of Edinburgh.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43They could have said any reason for not being there.
0:04:43 > 0:04:45They could have said, "Look, he was out in the rain all day,
0:04:45 > 0:04:48"he's got a chill. He's got a bad back.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50"His lumbago's playing up." No.
0:04:50 > 0:04:55What did they tell the world was the reason for Prince Philip not
0:04:55 > 0:04:57attending the Royal concert?
0:04:57 > 0:04:59He had a bladder infection.
0:04:59 > 0:05:03They told the world he had a bladder infection.
0:05:03 > 0:05:06I wouldn't tell my mates I had a bladder infection.
0:05:06 > 0:05:08You know exactly what's gone on in their house.
0:05:08 > 0:05:11He's said, "I'm not coming to your do." And she's gone, "Oh, really?
0:05:11 > 0:05:13"Well, if you don't come to my do,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16"I'll tell everyone there's something wrong with your cock."
0:05:16 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:21APPLAUSE
0:05:23 > 0:05:25But it has been a tough year for all of us.
0:05:25 > 0:05:28Even the Royals have been looking for new jobs.
0:05:28 > 0:05:33Well, it's an unsettled picture as we head towards the end of the week.
0:05:33 > 0:05:37This afternoon it will be cold, wet and windy across most of Scotland.
0:05:37 > 0:05:41We are under the influence of low pressure.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43There will be snow for the higher ground of the Highlands
0:05:43 > 0:05:47and Aberdeenshire with potential for a few flurries over Balmoral...
0:05:47 > 0:05:50Who the hell wrote this script? ..as the afternoon goes on.
0:05:50 > 0:05:54A cold today everywhere with temperatures of just 8 Celsius
0:05:54 > 0:05:56and a brisk north-easterly wind.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58Thank God it isn't a bank holiday.
0:05:58 > 0:06:00LAUGHTER
0:06:00 > 0:06:03APPLAUSE
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I thought he did well.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09That was Prince Charles on a visit to BBC headquarters in Glasgow
0:06:09 > 0:06:11back in May.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14To be fair, if you look at that weather, it was in Scotland -
0:06:14 > 0:06:17they could have put that weather on a loop.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20He didn't have to tell them the temperature. He could have said,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"Look, you live in Scotland, the weather is Scottish.
0:06:23 > 0:06:27"It's wet and it's cold. Deal with it."
0:06:27 > 0:06:29When you look at Prince Charles there,
0:06:29 > 0:06:31he looked like he knew what he was doing.
0:06:31 > 0:06:34Reading the weather is harder than it looks.
0:06:34 > 0:06:35Now, we have John.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Now, this is a tropical storm and you say,
0:06:38 > 0:06:39"Dan, why are you showing me this?"
0:06:39 > 0:06:41Because John is going to move north.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44LAUGHTER The moisture from John left over,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47the spin, the storm itself will turn into a depression.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Nothing really to worry about as far as wind goes
0:06:49 > 0:06:51but watch where the precipitation will go.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53Some will head up towards the west.
0:06:53 > 0:06:56LAUGHTER
0:06:56 > 0:06:59APPLAUSE
0:07:03 > 0:07:06That was the American weather presenter Dan Pope back in September
0:07:06 > 0:07:09reporting on Tropical Storm John.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11America produces yet another prick.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13LAUGHTER
0:07:13 > 0:07:17There is one Royal who has hit the headlines this year more than most.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Of course, it's Harry.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22He went to Las Vegas with his mates. There's nothing wrong with that.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25He had a few drinks with his mates. There's nothing wrong with that.
0:07:25 > 0:07:30He ended up in his own suite at the hotel in Las Vegas
0:07:30 > 0:07:33with a few ladies. There's nothing wrong with that.
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Then he started playing strip billiards.
0:07:35 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:44And he ended up having naked photographs sent all over the world.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46The press was saying,
0:07:46 > 0:07:48"There is no way we are going to get over this.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"This has done untold damage to the Royals"
0:07:51 > 0:07:54and I have got to be honest with you, it has.
0:07:54 > 0:07:57Harry is third in line to the throne.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01There is no way I want to be ruled by someone
0:08:01 > 0:08:03who can't play billiards.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05LAUGHTER
0:08:05 > 0:08:08APPLAUSE
0:08:10 > 0:08:12It has been a great year for the Royals.
0:08:12 > 0:08:15We have had the Jubilee, Harry's been up to his old tricks
0:08:15 > 0:08:19and everybody loves Kate and Will.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Apart from one country.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25One European, garlic-munching country.
0:08:26 > 0:08:29One country that we have had wars with in the past.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32One country that we like to go to on holiday.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34We like the wine, we like the cheese,
0:08:34 > 0:08:36we just don't like the people.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Yes, it's the bleeding French.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:43 > 0:08:48All right, men, ze English are over that hill.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52Zey have no idea zey are in range.
0:08:52 > 0:08:56But we have them in our sights.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58You know what to do.
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Ready,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02aim,
0:09:02 > 0:09:03shoot.
0:09:03 > 0:09:09Ah-ha-ha! Kate Middleton, we can see your boobies!
0:09:10 > 0:09:12Boobies!
0:09:12 > 0:09:15LAUGHTER Boobies!
0:09:15 > 0:09:18Oh, oh, oh!
0:09:21 > 0:09:23APPLAUSE
0:09:23 > 0:09:26And it became... It became a big, political debate.
0:09:26 > 0:09:28People were saying that David Cameron
0:09:28 > 0:09:29should have got in touch with
0:09:29 > 0:09:33the French Prime Minister and it blew over, as most things do.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36But as we know, politicians are always too busy dealing with
0:09:36 > 0:09:38their own tits to deal with someone else's.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41But politics do shape the way we think.
0:09:41 > 0:09:42So let's have a look at
0:09:42 > 0:09:45what happened with our key politicians during 2012.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54FEMALE VOICEOVER: 'This was the year when British politicians
0:09:54 > 0:09:55'went mainstream,
0:09:55 > 0:10:00'when the Jubilee and Olympics 2012 put them under a global spotlight.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02'And they really showed us their moves.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07'David Cameron gained over 100,000 followers when he joined Twitter.
0:10:07 > 0:10:10'Good move!
0:10:10 > 0:10:12'Chief Whip Andrew Mitchell got in trouble
0:10:12 > 0:10:13'for getting gobby with a bobby.
0:10:13 > 0:10:14'Bad move.'
0:10:14 > 0:10:17I'm very clear about what I said and what I didn't say.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19And I want to make it absolutely clear that
0:10:19 > 0:10:22I did not use the words that have been attributed to me.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24'And Nick Clegg finally made
0:10:24 > 0:10:27'this heartfelt move that we've all been waiting for.'
0:10:27 > 0:10:30We made a pledge. We didn't stick to it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- And for that I am sorry. - 'Aye, whatever(!)'
0:10:33 > 0:10:35# I'm sorry, I'm sorry
0:10:35 > 0:10:38# I'm so, so sorry
0:10:38 > 0:10:42# There's no easy way To say I'm sorry. #
0:10:42 > 0:10:47'But amongst all this, just one bumbling buffoon earned our respect.'
0:10:47 > 0:10:49MUSIC: Also Sprach Zarathustra
0:10:49 > 0:10:50'Boris Johnson!'
0:10:50 > 0:10:52# Gonna be a winner, winner... #
0:10:52 > 0:10:56'Our very own superhero, rock-star politician
0:10:56 > 0:10:58'who knew when to ask all the right questions.'
0:10:58 > 0:11:02- Have you ever wrestled someone on a cable car?- No.- Er, no.
0:11:02 > 0:11:04Thanks, everybody.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06And thanks.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12To be fair, whether you like it or not,
0:11:12 > 0:11:152012 has been a MASSIVE year for Boris.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18And at this year's Tory party conference,
0:11:18 > 0:11:21he decided to sell Great Britain to the world.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24The Dutch ride bicycles made in London.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28The Brazilians use mosquito repellent that is made in London.
0:11:28 > 0:11:32Every single chocolate HobNob in the world is made in London.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34- LAUGHTER - It's actually true.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43That's the man people are suggesting can run the country(!)
0:11:43 > 0:11:46He's never left London!
0:11:46 > 0:11:50Can you imagine Boris Johnson taking over Britain?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53Taking a seat at the head of governments of the Western world?
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Imagine that first summit he goes to and someone says,
0:11:56 > 0:11:58"Do you want a biscuit?"
0:11:58 > 0:12:00And he goes, "No, I've brought my chocolate HobNobs."
0:12:02 > 0:12:04The thing is, Twitter has took over.
0:12:04 > 0:12:08And on the 6th October this year, David Cameron -
0:12:08 > 0:12:12our own Prime Minister - actually signed up for Twitter.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14This would surprise a lot of people cos in the past
0:12:14 > 0:12:18Mr Cameron has made his feelings known about Twitter.
0:12:18 > 0:12:22- And on to technology, then. Are you on Twitter?- No, I'm not.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I think the trouble with Twitter, the instantness of it is
0:12:25 > 0:12:28I think there's too many twits might make a twat.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30THEY GUFFAW
0:12:32 > 0:12:34I tell you, I think that is...
0:12:34 > 0:12:38That's like the Prime Minister trying to say, "Look, I am like you.
0:12:38 > 0:12:40"I am a normal person. I'm going to use words like twat."
0:12:40 > 0:12:41Next thing you know,
0:12:41 > 0:12:44he's going to be lighting his farts and showing you on YouTube.
0:12:46 > 0:12:50That's a big decision for a leader of a nation to go on Twitter
0:12:50 > 0:12:52because people can then have access to you.
0:12:52 > 0:12:56And I'm sure for David Cameron to go on Twitter,
0:12:56 > 0:12:58he must have experienced some doubts.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01# I want to know what love is... #
0:13:04 > 0:13:09These messages, Samantha. That's wall to wall abuse. Look at this.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12"You're not fit to be the Prime Minister."
0:13:12 > 0:13:17"Why don't you just resign?" "David, you massive prick."
0:13:18 > 0:13:21It's your own fault, dear. I told you not to join Twitter.
0:13:21 > 0:13:26I'm not on Twitter yet. These are texts from Boris.
0:13:31 > 0:13:33Another thing that was massive news was
0:13:33 > 0:13:38that in September, Chief Tory Whip Andrew Mitchell
0:13:38 > 0:13:41got into trouble for allegedly calling the police the plebs.
0:13:41 > 0:13:45Now, judging from what other names I've heard thrown at the police,
0:13:45 > 0:13:49calling them plebs is practically a term of endearment.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54What we've found for this show is previously unseen footage
0:13:54 > 0:13:55on his doorstep.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Here he comes. Mr Mitchell? - Mr Mitchell?- Mr Mitchell?
0:14:00 > 0:14:03Can you tell us what you said to the police?
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Um, look, I am prepared to admit that I didn't treat the police with
0:14:06 > 0:14:08the correct amount of respect. However, I refute allegations
0:14:08 > 0:14:10- that I used the word "plebs".- Yeah?
0:14:10 > 0:14:13- Well, what words did you use?- Um... - Did you call them cretins?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Regrettably, yes, I did.
0:14:15 > 0:14:16Imbeciles?
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Um, once or twice, yes.
0:14:18 > 0:14:24- Pea brains?- Oh, yes. Yes.- Classic arseholes?- Fatty boom battys?
0:14:24 > 0:14:25Uniformed fannies?
0:14:25 > 0:14:27HE SIGHS Yes.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29Did you call them the poo-lice?
0:14:29 > 0:14:32- Yes.- Sergeant Balls?
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Ye...es. Ha-ha, yes.
0:14:35 > 0:14:38- Truncheon munchers?- Yes. - Ginormous fanny farters?
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Yes.- Dorks?- Yes.
0:14:41 > 0:14:44- Knobheads?- Yes.
0:14:44 > 0:14:45Dirt boxes?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Oh, come on, that's revolting!
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Yes.
0:14:50 > 0:14:56- Dweebs?- Yes.- Dorks?- Yes. - Cock-eyed finkle winkles?
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- What's a cock-eyed finkle winkle? - Answer the question.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- Did you call them cock-eyed finkle winkles?- Yes.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04Look, I want to make amends.
0:15:04 > 0:15:08I've actually started a new campaign trying to change the law
0:15:08 > 0:15:11so no-one else can make the terrible mistakes that I made.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15It's called Police Legislation Eradicating Bygone Swearing.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19Oh, tits.
0:15:19 > 0:15:21- Mr Mitchell?- Mr Mitchell? - Mr Mitchell?
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Plebs!
0:15:22 > 0:15:24JOURNALISTS CLAMOUR
0:15:24 > 0:15:26Plebs! Plebs! HE CHUCKLES
0:15:26 > 0:15:28PLEBS!
0:15:32 > 0:15:342012 hasn't all been doom and gloom.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38In fact, for some people it's been a massive year of success.
0:15:43 > 0:15:47'Despite all the penny-pinching and cuts this year, some of us
0:15:47 > 0:15:50'were queuing up to line the pockets of a pornographer.'
0:15:50 > 0:15:52I would like my other half to buy me a flogger
0:15:52 > 0:15:54but I don't think that's going to happen.
0:15:56 > 0:15:59'Spank-happy housewives were single-handedly boosting
0:15:59 > 0:16:04'the economy and their libidos buying sex toys by the truck load.'
0:16:04 > 0:16:08Sales of that toy have gone up 626%
0:16:08 > 0:16:11since the publication of Fifty Shades Of Grey.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17'Fifty Shades wasn't the only adult book out this year,
0:16:17 > 0:16:21'as JK Rowling proved she could still magic up millions.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23'And not a wizard in sight.'
0:16:23 > 0:16:25THEY GIGGLE
0:16:25 > 0:16:28'But at least kids still had one thing to spend their pocket money on.'
0:16:28 > 0:16:32# Let's go crazy, crazy, crazy till we see the sun... #
0:16:32 > 0:16:34'As five baby-faced, talent-show rejects
0:16:34 > 0:16:37'became the most successful band of all time!
0:16:37 > 0:16:39'EVER!'
0:16:39 > 0:16:41# ..And live while we're young. #
0:16:47 > 0:16:50You couldn't pick up the paper this year without
0:16:50 > 0:16:52reading about Harry Style's love life.
0:16:52 > 0:16:54And how BRILLIANT he is in bed.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Apparently now he sleeps right the way through.
0:17:00 > 0:17:03But I did this awful thing. I met him at a wedding.
0:17:03 > 0:17:05It's honest to God true.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08And you know when you meet somebody and they're very successful,
0:17:08 > 0:17:12as he is, and I'm obviously a LOT older but I'm trying to be...
0:17:12 > 0:17:15I'm trying to be... What's the word?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18..helpful in that kind of grubby uncle wedding sort of way.
0:17:18 > 0:17:21So I've had a few drinks and I've met him.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24"Oh, Harry," I said, "I love One Direction."
0:17:24 > 0:17:26You've got to say nice things, haven't you?
0:17:26 > 0:17:30No, I said, "Great band. Great pop music. Doing really well."
0:17:30 > 0:17:33He said, "Thank you." I said, "I believe you smashed America."
0:17:33 > 0:17:35He said, "Yeah, we're doing very well."
0:17:35 > 0:17:36I said, "Well done, Harry. Well done."
0:17:36 > 0:17:40I said, "Shag everything, Harry. Just shag...
0:17:43 > 0:17:47"..On behalf of all the middle-aged men here, Harry, shag everything.
0:17:47 > 0:17:48"Just do it for us, son.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51"I know we're asking a lot of you but we can't any more.
0:17:51 > 0:17:55"It's down to you. Shag everything you find. Go on, off you go."
0:17:58 > 0:18:00I don't think I want that going out, to be honest.
0:18:02 > 0:18:06Someone else who's had a big year is JK Rowling.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10JK Rowling has written her first adult novel.
0:18:10 > 0:18:14I've got to be honest, I was a little bit disappointed. I read it.
0:18:14 > 0:18:15I didn't even get a semi.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27This is how some of JK's hard-core fans reacted to her new book.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Oh, my God! It's JK Rowling!
0:18:33 > 0:18:36I can't believe we're speaking to someone
0:18:36 > 0:18:39who actually knows Harry Potter!
0:18:39 > 0:18:41We can't wait to read your brand-new book -
0:18:41 > 0:18:43Harry Potter and The Casual Vacancy.
0:18:43 > 0:18:48Oh, um... It's just The Casual Vacancy.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Not Harry Potter?
0:18:50 > 0:18:55- No, Harry Potter is not in this book. - What? Why?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58I don't want to write children's books any more.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Harry Potter isn't a children's book!
0:19:01 > 0:19:03HE SOBS
0:19:03 > 0:19:07Look, I'm glad you liked my books,
0:19:07 > 0:19:13but magic and wizards and spells, that stuff is for kids.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15- No, it isn't for kids!- It is.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19- It isn't!- It is. - It isn't!- It is.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Disappeariamus!
0:19:23 > 0:19:26There. We showed her.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28Yes, we are into adults' books.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31That reminds me...
0:19:31 > 0:19:34we are just in time for the EL James signing.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Oh, I love Fifty Shades of Grey!
0:19:41 > 0:19:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:46 > 0:19:50My wife read Fifty Shades of Grey. It has changed our sex life.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I came home after she finished the first one and she said,
0:19:53 > 0:19:55"John, I want you to hurt me."
0:19:55 > 0:19:58I thought, fair enough, so I tied her up, I put her in a chair, and I said,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"You know what? You're not half looking fat."
0:20:03 > 0:20:06I shouldn't tell true stories, should I?
0:20:07 > 0:20:12But Fifty Shades has sold five million copies, becoming the biggest-selling
0:20:12 > 0:20:16book of all time, even outselling Harry Potter.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Although, both books do feature people
0:20:18 > 0:20:20playing with the Golden Snitch.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31WH Smith have reported that sales of the book
0:20:31 > 0:20:33have soared amongst the over-70s.
0:20:35 > 0:20:39So if you have bought your gran a copy for Christmas,
0:20:39 > 0:20:43you have only got yourself to blame, particularly when she gives
0:20:43 > 0:20:47you a nice, warm Christmas jumper that she has knitted out of PVC.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52Of course, not every OAP is going to be a fan of the book.
0:20:54 > 0:20:59I love the beginning, but as you go on, it's absolutely, totally ridiculous.
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Never do anything that hurts.
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I think that this was the best way to lose your virginity and then quit.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08Masturbation, cunnilingus, fellatio, butt plugs?
0:21:08 > 0:21:10What the hell is a butt plug?
0:21:10 > 0:21:15- Vaginal intercourse, vaginal fisting, what's vaginal fisting?- I don't know.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Oh! She's crazy!
0:21:17 > 0:21:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Now I do need to tell everyone who is watching this in America
0:21:25 > 0:21:28that if you do want to come over to this country and you want to
0:21:28 > 0:21:31bring your butt plug, make sure you bring an adapter.
0:21:34 > 0:21:38This year, 2012 was a massive year for sport
0:21:38 > 0:21:40and it wasn't all about the Olympics.
0:21:45 > 0:21:492012 was a brilliant year for sports fans and, even ignoring
0:21:49 > 0:21:53the Olympics, there were triumphs to celebrate everywhere you looked.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56In cycling, this hairy mod won all of our hearts.
0:21:57 > 0:22:00Andy Murray finally proved to everyone that he wasn't
0:22:00 > 0:22:04the new Tim Henman by actually winning something.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07And golf nearly got exciting when team Europe
0:22:07 > 0:22:11pulled off one of the biggest sporting comebacks of all time.
0:22:11 > 0:22:15In football news, England swapped a manager nobody could
0:22:15 > 0:22:18understand for one that we can all understand.
0:22:18 > 0:22:23I stand by every word I said, but I'm not prepared to add words to it.
0:22:23 > 0:22:24Sometimes!
0:22:24 > 0:22:26Come on, England!
0:22:26 > 0:22:292012 also gave us the European Championships.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34There was the Champions League glory for Chelsea.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38And a thrilling Premier League season went right to the wire,
0:22:38 > 0:22:42although not many people cared as both teams were from Manchester.
0:22:42 > 0:22:47The town is blue, what it always was. Man City!
0:22:47 > 0:22:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:54 > 0:22:58I think it's fair to say that that's your typical friendly Man City supporter.
0:22:58 > 0:23:00Manchester!
0:23:00 > 0:23:03One thing that seems to have now been forgotten is that England
0:23:03 > 0:23:07actually got to the quarter-finals of the European Championships.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10It was in the quarter-finals that we had the penalty shoot-out
0:23:10 > 0:23:11against the Italians.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14It came down to the final penalty
0:23:14 > 0:23:18and this picture summarises the tension in the ground.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22As you can see, everybody is fixated on the game.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26And yet, there were two England supporters who wanted to go
0:23:26 > 0:23:29one step further to try and make us win.
0:23:40 > 0:23:44Does that not make every Englishman proud?
0:23:44 > 0:23:47Yes, we know what we are going to do,
0:23:47 > 0:23:50we are going to get our cocks out.
0:23:51 > 0:23:54What is also brilliant is that if you look at the picture,
0:23:54 > 0:23:58his mate is about to join in too.
0:23:58 > 0:24:01I think we have a chance of putting them off, definitely.
0:24:01 > 0:24:02And it makes you wonder
0:24:02 > 0:24:06if you are trying to shape history by getting your cock out, how the
0:24:06 > 0:24:10world could have been different at important historical events.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12RADIO: 'Crowds are out in full force today,
0:24:12 > 0:24:15'waving their flags, very excited
0:24:15 > 0:24:18'to see the president and of course the First Lady, Jackie Kennedy.
0:24:18 > 0:24:20'And I can just see him, yes, here he comes...'
0:24:20 > 0:24:24OK, Mr President, prepare to... Hey!
0:24:27 > 0:24:30Those guys have their pee-pees out!
0:24:31 > 0:24:33Oh, damn it, he's gone.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39- Captain, we are heading towards an iceberg!- My God!- I know.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41No, look at those two!
0:24:41 > 0:24:44They've got their todgers out.
0:24:44 > 0:24:46HE LAUGHS
0:24:54 > 0:24:58- My God, that arrow is heading straight for my eye.- Oi, arrow!
0:24:58 > 0:24:59Waaaay!
0:25:13 > 0:25:18Ahhhhh!
0:25:19 > 0:25:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:25 > 0:25:29What I love about that is that has now been on national telly.
0:25:29 > 0:25:31You now know that there will be somebody next week who is
0:25:31 > 0:25:33thinking, "How can I do something to change things?"
0:25:33 > 0:25:36You know, you're going into work and your boss is saying, "Look,
0:25:36 > 0:25:38"I'm sorry, your appraisal is not good.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40"We are going to have to have a change...
0:25:40 > 0:25:42"Oh, you have your cock out! Fair enough."
0:25:44 > 0:25:46One of the biggest stories this year without a doubt was
0:25:46 > 0:25:50Bradley Wiggins winning the Tour de France.
0:25:50 > 0:25:51Yes, massive.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53APPLAUSE
0:25:54 > 0:25:59The problem is, we have been so shit at sport for so long,
0:25:59 > 0:26:01we don't know what to do when we win something.
0:26:01 > 0:26:05This is the moment that he received his trophy.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09LESLEY GARRETT SINGS GOD SAVE THE QUEEN
0:26:20 > 0:26:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Anyway, despite Lesley Garrett singing,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27The whole country went Wiggo crazy.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30But not everybody was as impressed as you might imagine.
0:26:31 > 0:26:36No prizes for guessing who these youngsters are excited about seeing.
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Bradley Wiggins fever has struck this school in Carlisle.
0:26:40 > 0:26:45I will be cycling with Katie in front of Bradley Wiggins
0:26:45 > 0:26:47and Mark Cavendish.
0:26:47 > 0:26:51- How do you feel about that? - A bit embarrassed and a bit excited.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54Why do you feel embarrassed?
0:26:54 > 0:26:58Because I think I will have to wear these.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:04 > 0:27:09Bradley Wiggins was not the only cyclist talked about this year.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12Oh, this guy is a disgrace.
0:27:12 > 0:27:16Look at him, he has tarnished the reputation of cycling,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18given everyone who rides a bike a bad name.
0:27:18 > 0:27:20He should be stripped of his titles
0:27:20 > 0:27:24and not allowed to ride a bike for the rest of his life.
0:27:24 > 0:27:27Bloody hell, you're a bit pissed off at Lance Armstrong.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30That isn't Lance Armstrong...
0:27:30 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:34 > 0:27:36Thanks, everyone, for watching, I'll see you again.
0:27:36 > 0:27:39Good night and God bless.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd