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0:00:00 > 0:00:02- Subtitles- - Subtitles
0:00:02 > 0:00:04- Do you want to sleep now, gang?
0:00:08 > 0:00:12- I'm Alaw Griffiths, and I'm a mother - of two young children.
0:00:13 > 0:00:16- I run a wedding planning business...
0:00:16 > 0:00:20- ..and I'm married to Hywel, - who's a lecturer and a poet.
0:00:23 > 0:00:28- We appear to be a perfect family, - a normal family.
0:00:28 > 0:00:33- But I've been battling - postnatal depression.
0:00:37 > 0:00:41- I've had some very dark periods - since the children were born.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50- There's also a stigma - about the condition.
0:00:53 > 0:00:55- I'm afraid.
0:00:55 > 0:01:00- Afraid that people - will think I'm attention-seeking...
0:01:00 > 0:01:03- ..or that I'm a complete freak.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06- I don't know.
0:01:07 > 0:01:10- So many confusing things - go through my mind.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20- I don't want...
0:01:22 > 0:01:23- ..to be sad.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25- I want to be happy.
0:01:39 > 0:01:41- Here you are, Morgan.
0:01:42 > 0:01:43- Food.
0:01:44 > 0:01:47- Hywel and I had just got married.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- Where has Lleucu gone? There she is!
0:01:52 > 0:01:54- We wanted children.
0:01:55 > 0:01:59- I was very lucky - and got pregnant with Lleucu Haf.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01- You haven't had pudding?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03- Pudding with breakfast?
0:02:05 > 0:02:08- We were tremendously happy.
0:02:09 > 0:02:15- The birth was fine, as births go.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19- Lleucu Haf was born in water.
0:02:19 > 0:02:21- I remember opening my eyes...
0:02:21 > 0:02:26- ..and seeing two dark eyes - looking up at me through the water.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33- I was the first one to hold Lleucu.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35- That was wonderful.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38- Looking back...
0:02:38 > 0:02:43- ..I know something wasn't right - even then.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46- Like a switch within me.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50- That's the only way - I can describe it, really.
0:02:51 > 0:02:57- It never crossed my mind - that I'd be depressed in any way...
0:02:57 > 0:03:00- ..after giving birth to a baby.
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- Lleucu was perfect.
0:03:02 > 0:03:03- I was alright.
0:03:03 > 0:03:06- So, why did I have these feelings?
0:03:07 > 0:03:10- It still doesn't make - much sense to me...
0:03:10 > 0:03:15- ..and it's very difficult - to get my head around it all.
0:03:16 > 0:03:20- You can go now, Lleucs, - and Mam will come after you.
0:03:36 > 0:03:41- Once we reached the ward - with other mothers and babies...
0:03:41 > 0:03:45- ..there were a great many notes.
0:03:47 > 0:03:51- "Alaw very anxious - of being alone with baby."
0:03:52 > 0:03:57- Looking back, the depression - had kicked in fairly quickly.
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- It took a long time...
0:04:02 > 0:04:07- ..for the love and the bond - with Lleucs to fully develop.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14- In 2016, Morgan came into the world.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17- I was so grateful and happy...
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- ..to welcome the newest member - of our little family.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24- When I was pregnant with Morgan...
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- ..it was a different experience...
0:04:27 > 0:04:33- ..because I was trying to deal - with the anxieties about the birth.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- As with Lleucu's birth, - some things didn't go to plan.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42- I had to undergo emergency surgery.
0:04:43 > 0:04:48- Once we passed through that - and I was starting to recover...
0:04:49 > 0:04:53- ..I think that I was - the happiest I've ever been.
0:04:53 > 0:04:56- It's hard now, looking back...
0:04:56 > 0:04:59- ..because I want that back.
0:05:01 > 0:05:06- At that time, a lot of people asked - how I was, and how the baby was.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10- I always answered, - "I'm great, thanks very much."
0:05:10 > 0:05:13- But I wasn't naive enough - to think...
0:05:14 > 0:05:17- ..that I couldn't slip back - into the darkness.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21- By now...
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- ..most people - have stopped asking how I am.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- And, unfortunately, I'm not great.
0:05:32 > 0:05:33- OK.
0:05:35 > 0:05:39- Unfortunately, - a few weeks after Morgan's birth...
0:05:39 > 0:05:43- ..the depression returned, - which was a huge disappointment.
0:05:44 > 0:05:49- I decided to try CBT, - cognitive behavioural therapy...
0:05:50 > 0:05:52- ..as a way of dealing - with the illness.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57- For the first sessions, - no cameras are allowed.
0:06:04 > 0:06:05- I've just...
0:06:13 > 0:06:17- I've just come out - of the first appointment.
0:06:17 > 0:06:20- They asked lots of questions.
0:06:20 > 0:06:26- "Give me five reasons - why you think you're a good mum."
0:06:29 > 0:06:31- I couldn't answer her.
0:06:31 > 0:06:32- Um...
0:06:34 > 0:06:35- Um...
0:06:40 > 0:06:42- Then I remembered...
0:06:44 > 0:06:46- ..that I cooked...
0:06:47 > 0:06:50- ..a family meal last night.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55- It might sound a bit silly...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58- ..something so small.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Everyone cooks for their family.
0:07:00 > 0:07:03- But for me, - it was quite a big thing.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- So, yes, I could give one reason.
0:07:09 > 0:07:14- According to MIND, one in five women - suffers from mental illness...
0:07:14 > 0:07:17- ..either during or after pregnancy.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- Not many people - speak about the condition.
0:07:22 > 0:07:26- Personally, being able to discuss it - with other people was important.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30- That's why I decided - to edit and contribute...
0:07:30 > 0:07:32- ..to the book Gyrru Drwy Storom.
0:07:32 > 0:07:36- It's a collection of the experiences - of individuals...
0:07:36 > 0:07:39- ..who have suffered mental illness.
0:07:42 > 0:07:45- When I was writing this...
0:07:46 > 0:07:48- ..I was on the verge of pulling out.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53- ..because I just felt - that people would think...
0:07:53 > 0:07:56- ..that I was being dramatic.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00- I certainly felt - that I was being dramatic.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- I do have that tendency!
0:08:04 > 0:08:05- A bit of a drama queen!
0:08:07 > 0:08:09- When I first went...
0:08:09 > 0:08:13- ..and I went private, - at first, to a therapist.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17- Beca would have been six months old - or thereabouts.
0:08:17 > 0:08:21- By then, my family was telling me - that I needed to see someone.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25- What I found difficult...
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- ..was that it didn't happen - to me immediately.
0:08:29 > 0:08:33- People are familiar - with postnatal depression.
0:08:33 > 0:08:37- But it didn't hit me - for about six months to a year.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40- I was at my worst - when the baby was a year old.
0:08:40 > 0:08:44- I thought that couldn't be - postnatal depression.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47- It was almost a year later.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50- To some extent, in my case...
0:08:50 > 0:08:54- ..the anxiety element - was worse than the depression.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- I worried about everything.
0:08:56 > 0:08:59- Some nights, - I wouldn't sleep at all.
0:08:59 > 0:09:05- I found it hard to differentiate - between the condition's symptoms...
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- ..and what would be normal anyway.
0:09:10 > 0:09:12- There's a range of symptoms.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14- People need to be aware...
0:09:15 > 0:09:19- ..that it affects individuals - in completely different ways.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- Postnatal depression affects - different women in different ways.
0:09:26 > 0:09:31- I spoke about the condition with - psychiatrist Dr Elin Ellis Jones.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- There are actually - three different conditions.
0:09:37 > 0:09:41- We're talking about one, - which is the depression.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43- There's another condition...
0:09:43 > 0:09:47- ..that affects most women, - probably as many as 85%...
0:09:47 > 0:09:49- ..in the first week.
0:09:49 > 0:09:53- They feel that their emotions - are all over the place.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- What's known as the blues.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59- Women will tell you - that it feels very hormonal.
0:09:59 > 0:10:03- That it's similar - to how they feel before a period.
0:10:03 > 0:10:07- The third condition - is postpartum psychosis...
0:10:07 > 0:10:09- ..which is very serious.
0:10:09 > 0:10:13- Mothers lose their grip on reality.
0:10:14 > 0:10:17- Thankfully, it's very rare.
0:10:17 > 0:10:22- The most common condition, - apart from the blues...
0:10:22 > 0:10:24- ..is postnatal depression.
0:10:25 > 0:10:29- There are anxiety symptoms - and obsessive symptoms.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33- Fears that you may harm the baby - in some way...
0:10:33 > 0:10:36- ..even though you know deep down...
0:10:36 > 0:10:40- ..that what you're seeing - or hearing isn't real.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43- One in eight women suffer from it.
0:10:56 > 0:10:58- There are expectations...
0:10:59 > 0:11:04- My grandmother said she was glad - not to be raising children now...
0:11:04 > 0:11:07- ..because there's so much criticism.
0:11:07 > 0:11:11- Online, there are thousands - of voices telling you what to do.
0:11:12 > 0:11:13- You lose your own voice.
0:11:13 > 0:11:16- That's what a new mother is doing.
0:11:16 > 0:11:20- She's trying to find - her own voice as a mother.
0:11:20 > 0:11:25- I'd post one photo on Facebook of - children looking happy on a beach.
0:11:25 > 0:11:28- There are a hundred other photos...
0:11:28 > 0:11:31- ..where they've argued - or are in tears...
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- ..or have fallen or whatever.
0:11:33 > 0:11:35- We don't help each other.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37- There are times in every family...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40- ..when you go, what are we doing?!
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- When two out of three are crying, - and there's no supper.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51- Weetabix for supper now and then - isn't going to do them any harm.
0:11:52 > 0:11:55- A big kiss, and bed - without brushing their teeth.
0:11:55 > 0:11:57- There, I've said it.
0:12:02 > 0:12:07- I feel as if I'm fighting every day.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10- I have to fight my way - to the next task.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14- Picking up Lleucu from school.
0:12:14 > 0:12:15- Next task - go home.
0:12:16 > 0:12:17- Next task - make tea.
0:12:17 > 0:12:20- That's a common occurrence.
0:12:20 > 0:12:25- But this thing that has me - in its clutches at the moment...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- ..goes a step further.
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- It makes me feel like a bad mother.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37- This fatigue...
0:12:42 > 0:12:44- I feel as if I'm being suffocated.
0:12:50 > 0:12:50- .
0:12:53 > 0:12:53- *
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- I'm Alaw Griffiths and I've suffered - from postnatal depression...
0:12:58 > 0:13:01- ..after having my children, - Lleucu and Morgan.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03- More than once, I've asked why me?
0:13:03 > 0:13:08- I've also often felt that people - don't understand the condition.
0:13:09 > 0:13:10- Brighten up!
0:13:11 > 0:13:12- Cheer up!
0:13:12 > 0:13:14- It'll be better tomorrow!
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- That doesn't help.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18- I can be fine one minute...
0:13:18 > 0:13:22- ..then something is said, - and that's it.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- I just can't deal - with the situation.
0:13:31 > 0:13:35- When you're in that place, - right in the thick of it...
0:13:37 > 0:13:38- ..you just don't see a way out.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51- One of the things that scares me...
0:13:51 > 0:13:56- ..is my responsibility as a mother - to care for these two little ones.
0:13:57 > 0:14:01- When I have a bad day, - I don't want that responsibility.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- When I wake up in the morning...
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- ..what I hear first...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11- ..like most parents, I suppose...
0:14:12 > 0:14:13- ..is the children.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16- Usually, if it's Morgan...
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- ..it's the sound of crying.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21- I don't want to hear it.
0:14:23 > 0:14:27- I don't want - to spend the day with them.
0:14:33 > 0:14:38- One of those situations - where I find it very difficult...
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- ..to control my own emotions - is when Morgan is crying.
0:14:42 > 0:14:44- I remember one occasion...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47- ..laying on the bed, - with him next to me.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49- He just cried and cried.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- I'd tried everything.
0:14:51 > 0:14:53- I had to leave him there...
0:14:53 > 0:14:56- ..and get out of the room because...
0:14:56 > 0:14:58- This is going to sound awful.
0:14:58 > 0:15:01- I wanted to throw him - out of the window.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04- I was driving earlier...
0:15:04 > 0:15:08- ..and thinking, - I just want to carry on driving.
0:15:08 > 0:15:11- I just want to drive, drive, drive.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13- I don't really want to go back.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- Then I thought, - what kind of mother thinks that?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- What kind of mother - just wants to go?
0:15:33 > 0:15:37- Having intrusive thoughts - is very common...
0:15:37 > 0:15:40- ..when you're suffering - from depression.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43- But I have to learn - how to live with them.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47- I'm going for another CBT session.
0:15:47 > 0:15:52- This stage of the process - focuses on these intrusive thoughts.
0:15:52 > 0:15:54- This happens to everyone.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57- When you cry - or something's annoying...
0:15:57 > 0:16:02- ..these things pop into your head, - and you have no control over them.
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- You don't choose - to have these thoughts.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10- For instance, - if he's crying in the car...
0:16:11 > 0:16:14- ..this will sound ridiculous...
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- .. if he stops crying, - I think he's died.
0:16:19 > 0:16:24- Then I'll stop the car - and check that he's breathing...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26- ..then carry on, and feel like...
0:16:28 > 0:16:29- ..a right lemon...
0:16:29 > 0:16:30- ..basically.
0:16:31 > 0:16:32- But then...
0:16:34 > 0:16:37- ..that carries forward, - and it's really upsetting.
0:16:38 > 0:16:39- Yes, OK.
0:16:39 > 0:16:44- So, you're saying - that other people just let it go.
0:16:44 > 0:16:48- I've reached the point where I'm - more able to discuss situations.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52- I have steps in place - to help me deal with them.
0:16:52 > 0:16:55- Let's try this then.
0:16:55 > 0:16:56- I tell you this.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58- When my daughter was small...
0:16:59 > 0:17:03- ..I had a thought about throwing her - in the river and leaving her.
0:17:03 > 0:17:07- Would you think I'm a bad person - for even deciding to think that?
0:17:08 > 0:17:10- No, because it always happens to me.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12- No, because it always happens to me.- - If it's OK for them, it is for you.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- 94% of people - have intrusive thoughts...
0:17:18 > 0:17:21- ..but most know - how to get rid of them.
0:17:22 > 0:17:25- Allowing the thoughts to take over - is a common symptom...
0:17:26 > 0:17:29- ..among women who suffer - from postnatal depression.
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- It's interesting - that these intrusive thoughts...
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- ..can be the same sort of thing.
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- As a mother, - you're always protecting your child.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Don't go near the fire. - Watch that hot water.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47- Mind this, mind that.
0:17:48 > 0:17:49- We turn those fears...
0:17:50 > 0:17:53- In a way, - they're a sign of a good mother.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- A good mother protects her child.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- When the mind is unwell...
0:17:59 > 0:18:03- ..she turns those fears - into things she could do herself.
0:18:03 > 0:18:08- It is a phenomenon, - but it's also a symptom.
0:18:11 > 0:18:15- When someone is - in that dark place...
0:18:15 > 0:18:17- ..I can't see a way out.
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- I just go into a state - of total panic.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26- I think the only one - who really sees that is Hywel.
0:18:28 > 0:18:32- I don't think anyone else - sees that Alaw.
0:18:36 > 0:18:41- On a practical level, pressure - often falls on the other person.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Everything still needs to be done...
0:18:45 > 0:18:48- ..to make sure - that life goes on, as it were.
0:18:48 > 0:18:52- There are certain periods - when the strain is immense.
0:18:53 > 0:18:55- They may be everyday things.
0:18:55 > 0:18:57- That's when things get hard...
0:18:57 > 0:19:00- ..because the pressure - falls on one person.
0:19:00 > 0:19:02- You don't know how much to do.
0:19:02 > 0:19:06- Or maybe it would be more helpful...
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- ..to encourage people - to do more themselves.
0:19:10 > 0:19:13- I try to do more of that now.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16- Ultimately, - I know that it doesn't help me.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21- But Hywel puts up with a lot.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22- A great deal.
0:19:23 > 0:19:24- What I need to do...
0:19:25 > 0:19:29- ..is just accept that it's happening - and be supportive...
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- ..then maybe try to talk about it.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- At first, I tried - to think it through logically.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40- I tried to find the reason for it.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45- But it's actually something - very complex to understand.
0:19:47 > 0:19:51- It's very hard - to see someone you love...
0:19:52 > 0:19:55- ..going through that pain, - as it were...
0:19:55 > 0:19:58- ..and failing to cope - with certain situations.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05- I think that the threat of it - can make it worse.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- Once you understand it - on your terms...
0:20:09 > 0:20:11- ..it takes the power away from it.
0:20:12 > 0:20:14- That's the purpose - of discussing it openly.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17- Once you take its power away...
0:20:17 > 0:20:19- ..it isn't a threat any more.
0:20:20 > 0:20:21- You know what it is.
0:20:22 > 0:20:24- You can cope, you can get help.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26- What really helped me...
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- ..was being in the company - of other people.
0:20:30 > 0:20:32- I was afraid to be alone.
0:20:32 > 0:20:35- The healing process - is different for everyone.
0:20:36 > 0:20:37- It can take a long time.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40- I think - that the most important thing...
0:20:40 > 0:20:44- ..is to learn - to be kind to yourself.
0:20:45 > 0:20:49- To some extent, I feel - that I'm still getting better.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- I think I can honestly say that - I wouldn't change the experience.
0:20:55 > 0:20:58- Despite how dark - and hideous it was...
0:20:59 > 0:21:03- ..it's a part of your life, - but it's not your whole life.
0:21:03 > 0:21:06- It's a part, - but there's so much more.
0:21:06 > 0:21:07- So much fun.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10- So much joy as a family as well.
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- So many other things.
0:21:14 > 0:21:16- It's something - that I'm happy to share...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20- ..but also happy - to leave behind, I think.
0:21:25 > 0:21:26- It's difficult...
0:21:28 > 0:21:30- ..to describe how you feel...
0:21:31 > 0:21:33- ..because I can't show it.
0:21:35 > 0:21:36- I go to see people.
0:21:37 > 0:21:40- They teach me - to think in a different way...
0:21:41 > 0:21:43- ..because I need that help.
0:21:44 > 0:21:49- I'm not ashamed of saying that, - but a lot of people are.
0:21:51 > 0:21:52- People are ashamed...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57- ..because of society.
0:21:59 > 0:22:04- We need to be educated - and we need to educate others.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10- "We meet where poems cannot reach us
0:22:11 > 0:22:13- "Through the pain that has no rhyme.
0:22:14 > 0:22:15- "My muse cannot find a name
0:22:15 > 0:22:18- "For this crag - that stands between us.
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- "Two who are separate, free beings
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- "Islands embracing each other
0:22:28 > 0:22:30- "In the great motionless tide
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- "Before the blockade - of the day's waves.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- "That's what we are, - but we don't care about this.
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- "We cast off the crag's weight
0:22:41 > 0:22:45- "We grow stronger, closer - and drown out the noise
0:22:45 > 0:22:48- "Then, tomorrow, - we'll challenge it."
0:22:59 > 0:23:02- I stick two fingers up - to this illness.
0:23:03 > 0:23:05- I'm going to kick it out.
0:23:05 > 0:23:11- I'm determined to kick - the blooming thing out of my life.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12- I've done it once.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15- I am going to do it again.
0:23:18 > 0:23:19- So, that's it.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44- S4C Subtitles by Testun Cyf.
0:23:44 > 0:23:44- .