0:00:12 > 0:00:19Good evening. Tonight we celebrate two men who made a living out of making us laugh.
0:00:19 > 0:00:24It's a tough job. By comparison, a lion tamer has it cushy.
0:00:24 > 0:00:31The two comedians tonight were more clowns than tellers of jokes Tommy Cooper and Frankie Howerd.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40What a...!
0:00:40 > 0:00:43I've a splitting headache!
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Fool!
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Get out, get out!
0:01:02 > 0:01:06Just like that! JUST LIKE THAT!
0:01:06 > 0:01:13I was in charge of the guest list for a dinner at which Tommy Cooper was to speak.
0:01:13 > 0:01:20Trevor Howard asked me for a ticket. "It's his timing. All actors should watch how he controls an audience.
0:01:20 > 0:01:23"He is," said Trevor, "a genius."
0:01:23 > 0:01:28He didn't look like one with that wonderful gormless face and the fez.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32This is probably the only TV interview he did.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36He was nervous and needed his beloved props.
0:01:36 > 0:01:41You're about to see me playing straight man to a great comic.
0:01:41 > 0:01:46It might not be a model interview, but it was great fun.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:02:08 > 0:02:11- What's that on your head?- A bucket.
0:02:11 > 0:02:15That's not a bucket, it's a saucepan.
0:02:15 > 0:02:17Is it? I've got the wrong hat.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20- Sit down.- Thank you very much.
0:02:20 > 0:02:27As I said in the introduction, you're the most impersonated man in Britain.
0:02:27 > 0:02:32When was the first time you went, "Not like that"?
0:02:33 > 0:02:38- I never did.- You never did...? - I never said that at all. Never.
0:02:38 > 0:02:43The other thing they do when they take you off is...
0:02:43 > 0:02:46- Don't they?- No!
0:02:48 > 0:02:51No!
0:02:54 > 0:02:59- What's it like being...?- They don't do that.- What do they do?
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- What did you say?- They go like that.
0:03:02 > 0:03:05No, they do it like THAT.
0:03:05 > 0:03:10A-ha... I'll do it once more. A-haaaa!
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Where did the fez come from?
0:03:13 > 0:03:16- The fez?- Yes, the fez.
0:03:16 > 0:03:21Funnily enough, the fez came when I was in Egypt in the army.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24And, uh...
0:03:26 > 0:03:32I was... I was thinking of something else. I got led away a bit there.
0:03:32 > 0:03:38- I'm sorry. Anyway, it's nothing to do with the show. It's all right. - What's the matter?
0:03:38 > 0:03:42I backed a horse today. At twenty to one.
0:03:42 > 0:03:46And it came in at twenty past four.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Terrific.
0:03:53 > 0:03:59Nothing to do with what I'm gonna talk about. Just a personal thing.
0:03:59 > 0:04:04But when people give you a tip, it's always from the side of the mouth.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06Or like that.
0:04:06 > 0:04:11They don't want to hear it themselves in case THEY back it.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13Today...
0:04:13 > 0:04:21I don't really gamble. But today this man gave me a tip and I lost £200.
0:04:21 > 0:04:25- £200?- Yeah, but that's nothing to do with it.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28I shouldn't say anything about it.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31It's just nothing. Go ahead.
0:04:35 > 0:04:39- Very upsetting. - No, no, I'm sorry I brought it up.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Oh, God!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49Two hundred pounds!
0:04:53 > 0:04:56I'll be all right now.
0:04:56 > 0:04:58I'm all right, I'm all right.
0:04:58 > 0:05:05- I asked you about the fez. When did you first start...? - < HE LAUGHS
0:05:08 > 0:05:11Is there somebody else?
0:05:16 > 0:05:19Oh, God!
0:05:30 > 0:05:34I got the fez... No, I got the fez...
0:05:37 > 0:05:41- Does my voice sound a bit hoarse?- Yes.
0:05:41 > 0:05:46It does a bit. I lost my voice a little bit today.
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Two hundred quid, it was!
0:05:52 > 0:05:57I lost my voice a bit so I went and saw a doctor.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01He said, "Open your mouth." I went like that.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05He said, "A little raw-er." I went, "Rrr!"
0:06:09 > 0:06:12It wasn't loud. It was, "Rrr!"
0:06:12 > 0:06:19No, when I got the fez, I got it when I was in Egypt. I was in the army there.
0:06:19 > 0:06:24We did a show at the YMCA. I used to wear a pith helmet.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27PITH helmet.
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Oh, my teeth!
0:06:35 > 0:06:40Anyway, I used to wear this pith... One day I forgot to bring it with me.
0:06:40 > 0:06:48- So these waiters were walking about with a fez, so I took one and I wore it ever since.- Why not today?
0:06:48 > 0:06:51- Why?- Why?
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Well, it's a long story.
0:06:54 > 0:06:57I'll tell you about that later on.
0:06:57 > 0:07:04Let's talk about your magic. Though you build your act around not being a very good magician,
0:07:04 > 0:07:12- you are a very accomplished one. Could you show me a straight trick done for real?- All right.
0:07:12 > 0:07:17- Will you?- Yes. Here's a trick with some sponge balls.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Here's a yellow one, dyed red.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23And here's a blue one, dyed red.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- Right?- Right.
0:07:26 > 0:07:33- That's left, right? And that's right.- Right. - That's right and that's left, right?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- Right? Cos this is left, right? - Right.- Right, OK.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40If I take that away, what's left?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42- One.- No, this is left.
0:07:42 > 0:07:46That's left, right? That's right, right?
0:07:46 > 0:07:51- I'll confuse you. I'll do it in French.- All right.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53- Do you speak French?- No.
0:07:53 > 0:07:56Une, deux, three.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00We're only gonna use two. Une...deux.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03So I get une, put it in "deux".
0:08:03 > 0:08:08- Une in "deux" and deux over "deux".- Right.
0:08:08 > 0:08:12Then I get une in "deux" and deux in "deux".
0:08:12 > 0:08:15The idea of the trick is this.
0:08:15 > 0:08:19I make une jump from "deux" to over "deux".
0:08:21 > 0:08:28And when I open my hand, there'll be nothing "deux". They'll both be over "deux".
0:08:28 > 0:08:31Look, see? They're there.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:42I'll tell you what I'll do this time. You help me with this, Michael.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I put this one in my hand like that.
0:08:45 > 0:08:48You squeeze this one in your hand.
0:08:48 > 0:08:53I'm gonna make mine disappear and also make yours... Watch.
0:08:53 > 0:08:57It's going now... It's gone.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59You don't believe me? Look.
0:08:59 > 0:09:04- Is yours gone? Can you feel it?- Yes. - Just put it down there.
0:09:08 > 0:09:10Two.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13APPLAUSE
0:09:13 > 0:09:18Put both of them in your hand like that.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20Hold it there like that.
0:09:20 > 0:09:25- Can I make that one jump from there to over there?- No.
0:09:25 > 0:09:29I put it in there. Boom-doom, open your hand.
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Magic! Very good.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38I'll show you how it's done.
0:09:38 > 0:09:43You get this one and this one and hold them tight. You know this too.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46It makes it look like one.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50You wave it about, put it in there like that,
0:09:50 > 0:09:53then put this one in your pocket.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- How many's in there?- Two.
0:09:55 > 0:09:58No, you weren't watching.
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I'll tell you.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05I'll take...this one.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08And this one here.
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Have you got one of my balls?
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- Have you?- No.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24Ah, here it is. There.
0:10:24 > 0:10:27Now which two would you like?
0:10:27 > 0:10:30- Those two.- Right.
0:10:30 > 0:10:35The two lightest ones. Put those there like that.
0:10:35 > 0:10:40Put these ones in your hand like that. Hold 'em tight.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43You saw that, did you?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Did you see it?
0:10:45 > 0:10:48Yeah, I've got two balls in here.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51You've got two balls, yeah?
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- In my hand.- How many would you say?
0:10:54 > 0:10:58< THREE! Three? All right, open your hand.
0:11:00 > 0:11:03APPLAUSE
0:11:05 > 0:11:11Let's talk more about your act. Have you ever used animals in your act?
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Yes, as a matter of fact, I have.
0:11:14 > 0:11:18I brought this back while I was in Africa.
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- What is it?- It's a mongoose.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26A mongoose?!
0:11:26 > 0:11:29It's a man-eating mongoose.
0:11:32 > 0:11:38- I didn't know there was such a thing.- Yes, sometimes it's friendly, sometimes not.
0:11:38 > 0:11:46The other day I was tickling it under the chin. I did it yesterday and I lost a... Like this.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51When I got this, I was out in the middle of the Congo jungle.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55A friend of mine was stationed there with me.
0:11:55 > 0:11:59I remember one day he wrote home to his mother,
0:11:59 > 0:12:06"Dear Mum, I'm out here in the heart of the Congo jungle, eating bananas and coconuts all day long.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09"I'm getting brown as a berry.
0:12:09 > 0:12:17"Incidentally, the tribe are headshrinkers. They can shrink your head to the size of a small orange.
0:12:17 > 0:12:22"PS. If you get me a bowler hat size one-and-a-half, send it over."
0:12:24 > 0:12:26He'll come out in a minute.
0:12:26 > 0:12:31Come on. He will, he'll come out. Out you come!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40APPLAUSE
0:12:42 > 0:12:47You're also a dab hand with inventions.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51- Yes.- What's that? - I tell you what, I've got it here.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54It just happened to be there.
0:12:54 > 0:13:01Sometimes when you go to the cinema to watch a film, people behind you keep talking.
0:13:01 > 0:13:03So I invented this.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Very good idea.
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Then you can hear the film in peace.
0:13:17 > 0:13:22And if you don't like the film, you can listen to the conversation.
0:13:22 > 0:13:25APPLAUSE
0:13:29 > 0:13:36It's all right you doing that, but you still haven't explained why you're not wearing the fez.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38Well, I've got some very sad news
0:13:38 > 0:13:46because since we joined the Common Market, I think after next week, I can't wear the fez any more.
0:13:46 > 0:13:52- Why?- Because it's a rule of the Common Market. - Common Market regulation?- Yes.
0:13:52 > 0:13:59I don't know why we joined. We've never won It's a Knockout yet.
0:13:59 > 0:14:03Know what I mean? That's the rules and regulations.
0:14:03 > 0:14:11So they sent some hats along for me to try on because I can't wear the fez any more after all these years.
0:14:11 > 0:14:15- So what...?- Fez's fez, isn't it? - Absolutely.
0:14:16 > 0:14:20- So what have we got? - I'll just try this.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28This is a hat they sent along.
0:14:32 > 0:14:36I didn't send them, they sent them along.
0:14:45 > 0:14:47They keep sending them along.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54A flying helmet!
0:14:54 > 0:14:58No, a walking helmet. You want to see my plane!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03Oh, dear, oh, dear!
0:15:03 > 0:15:06That's what they sent along.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11Cheese!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Which d'you think you might favour?
0:15:14 > 0:15:19I don't know which one. You've got to keep going.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23No wonder I kept getting lost.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34What do you think?
0:15:34 > 0:15:37Magnificent.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39This is my own hat. I wear this.
0:15:41 > 0:15:47- I'm gonna forget the Common Market. - That's right.- I'll stick to that.
0:15:47 > 0:15:51How's that...? Yes? APPLAUSE
0:15:52 > 0:15:57Tommy Cooper wanted his props, Frankie Howerd demanded a script.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02He wanted the interview written so he could rehearse the responses.
0:16:02 > 0:16:07We persuaded him against it, but you can see the nerve ends showing.
0:16:07 > 0:16:15He wasn't a spontaneous performer. He rehearsed every "ooh" and "ah", each ad lib was carefully worked on.
0:16:15 > 0:16:22The great Dr Johnson observed that a comedian need not necessarily be a person of humorous disposition.
0:16:22 > 0:16:25He was thinking of Frankie Howerd.
0:16:25 > 0:16:32Our first encounter occurred in the first year of the Parkinson Show in 1971.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35APPLAUSE
0:16:41 > 0:16:44- Here or there?- There, please.
0:16:44 > 0:16:46Thank you very much.
0:16:46 > 0:16:54- In fact...- Wait a minute. Just make sure you've got the same questions I've got the answers for.
0:16:54 > 0:16:59- I think so.- Can we start off by telling everybody...?- Do, do!
0:16:59 > 0:17:04Today is an anniversary for you because it's 25 years to the day...
0:17:04 > 0:17:09- Big mouth! 25 years since what? - Since you first appeared on radio.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12About 25 years since I did anything.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15If you know what I mean. But, um...
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Since, uh, since...
0:17:18 > 0:17:23Since I appeared on radio. Yes, radio. Ooh, remember?
0:17:23 > 0:17:31- That was Variety Bandbox. - Yes, it was 25 years ago. It was a Sunday. You're quite right.
0:17:31 > 0:17:33I was still doing the same jokes.
0:17:33 > 0:17:41- When did you first want to be a comedian?- When war was declared and I went into the army.
0:17:41 > 0:17:48- I can't imagine you in the army. - Why not?- You're hardly a man of military bearing.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Is he being personal?
0:17:51 > 0:17:53- No.- Yes, you're being naughty.
0:17:53 > 0:18:00I was sympathising with you because you said you had a bad throat. Wants cutting!
0:18:03 > 0:18:06We do the work, he gets the money.
0:18:06 > 0:18:12- You were asking me about the army, sorry.- Did you enjoy the army?
0:18:12 > 0:18:15I enjoyed aspects of it
0:18:15 > 0:18:22because, first of all, before I went into the army, I was intensely shy.
0:18:22 > 0:18:29And having to mix with all sorts of different kinds of people we were all in Nissen huts
0:18:29 > 0:18:34one had to learn to cope with other people and learn to be less shy.
0:18:34 > 0:18:42What they did was they said, "We're gonna put on some shows at the YMCA. Is there anyone can do anything?"
0:18:42 > 0:18:47And I thought, "I don't know if I ought to..." And I got very nervous.
0:18:47 > 0:18:52Eventually, I plunged and said, "I think I could do something."
0:18:52 > 0:18:59I said, "I can sing a song." Would you believe! I couldn't sing then, but it was meant to be funny.
0:18:59 > 0:19:05It was a song called Three Little Fishes. Now this is a long time ago.
0:19:05 > 0:19:10I did lots of squeaks in it "Ooh!" That was the first time I did it.
0:19:10 > 0:19:14- #- Down in the meadow in a little fishy pool
0:19:14 > 0:19:19- #- Live three little fishes and a mummy fishy too
0:19:19 > 0:19:24- #- "Now swim," said the mummy fishy, "Swim if you can..."- #
0:19:24 > 0:19:28- SQUEAKY SOUNDS #- Are you taking the mickey...?- #
0:19:28 > 0:19:35The comedian is often seen as a lonely, insecure, even tragic figure.
0:19:35 > 0:19:39Is this true? Is this the way you feel?
0:19:39 > 0:19:41Lonely, insecure?
0:19:41 > 0:19:46Let's take Hancock as an example. He came to a very sad end.
0:19:46 > 0:19:50- Have you ever contemplated suicide as he did?- No.
0:19:50 > 0:19:54I've contemplated murder.
0:19:56 > 0:20:01Do you have any bitter memories about really dying the death?
0:20:01 > 0:20:04- Going badly, you mean?- Yes.
0:20:04 > 0:20:1125 years is a long time and I've had lots of ups and downs and a lot of times when I've gone badly,
0:20:11 > 0:20:16a lot of times when I haven't been very good. I've mistimed gags.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20I've done jokes and thought, "They didn't laugh."
0:20:20 > 0:20:28My manager has come up to me and said, "You bloody fool, you forgot the funny line at the end!"
0:20:28 > 0:20:32I promise you this is true.
0:20:32 > 0:20:37The first joke I did was about this old man poor old boy, 82.
0:20:37 > 0:20:40And he went to the doctor's.
0:20:40 > 0:20:44So...wait a minute. So this doctor said,
0:20:44 > 0:20:46"What's wrong?"
0:20:46 > 0:20:49So the man said, "Nothing's wrong.
0:20:49 > 0:20:55 "I'm 82. I want you to examine me because I'm getting married. Saturday."
0:20:55 > 0:20:58So this doctor said, "Married?"
0:20:58 > 0:21:05He said, "Yes, I want you to examine me and make sure I'm in good working order
0:21:05 > 0:21:10"because I want to be right for the honeymoon."
0:21:10 > 0:21:15The doctor said, "Who are you marrying?" He said, "A girl."
0:21:15 > 0:21:19The doctor said, "How old is she?" He said, "24."
0:21:19 > 0:21:23The doctor said, "You're 82 and she's 24?!"
0:21:23 > 0:21:28He said, "Well... Take... That's... Yes... Well..."
0:21:28 > 0:21:34He said, "Well, yes... You seem to be all... Yes, you should..."
0:21:34 > 0:21:38So the old boy said, "Could you give me any advice?"
0:21:38 > 0:21:45So the doctor said, "If you're 82 and she's 24, there's quite a discrepancy.
0:21:45 > 0:21:49"Could I suggest you took in a young lodger?
0:21:49 > 0:21:55"Because, you see, you're out getting your old age pension,
0:21:55 > 0:22:02"she's on her own a lot. It'll be company for her, it'll keep her happy and satisfied.
0:22:02 > 0:22:05"Take in a young lodger."
0:22:05 > 0:22:10So this old boy said, "I'll do that," and off he went.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15A year later he was going down the high street on his Lambretta,
0:22:15 > 0:22:20and this doctor saw him and said, "Here!" So the old boy went over.
0:22:20 > 0:22:27The doctor said, "How are you getting on?" He said, "Smashing." "And the marriage?" "Smashing."
0:22:27 > 0:22:32He said, "How's your wife?" "Smashing. She's just had a baby."
0:22:32 > 0:22:36The doctor said, "Oh! How's the lodger?"
0:22:36 > 0:22:38He said, "She's had one as well!"
0:22:38 > 0:22:43- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - That's the first gag...
0:22:48 > 0:22:54It is amazing how little things change because that is typical honest vulgarity
0:22:54 > 0:23:01- that is your trademark now. - I beg your pardon. I've never been so insulted!
0:23:01 > 0:23:03- 'You mean Up Pompeii?- Yes.'
0:23:05 > 0:23:08Oh, be mine, be mine!
0:23:08 > 0:23:12Your lips... Your lips are like ripe cherries.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15Your throat is like a swan's.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Your n... Your shoulders are like...
0:23:17 > 0:23:20Wait a minute!
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Your shoulders are like Venus de Milo.
0:23:25 > 0:23:29Your bosoms are like the round hills of Rome.
0:23:29 > 0:23:34- What about my eyes? - I'm not going that way, I'm sorry.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Be mine, be mine! - Do you really think we ought to?
0:23:38 > 0:23:41We may as well. It's bitter out.
0:23:42 > 0:23:46For the moment, that's all we've got time for.
0:23:46 > 0:23:51- Got somebody else coming on?- Marion Montgomery.- Marion, girl! Ready?
0:23:51 > 0:23:57- She does a nice little turn. Who else is on?- Sir Ralph Richardson.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Oh, a nice turn, Ralph!
0:23:59 > 0:24:04Frankie Howerd was discovered by a wide cross-section of the public.
0:24:04 > 0:24:12His career was resurrected by the '60s satirists. Peter Cook gave him a stint at the Establishment Club,
0:24:12 > 0:24:16Ned Sherrin a spot on That Was The Week That Was.
0:24:16 > 0:24:21A slump was revived by Up Pompeii, followed by a time of neglect
0:24:21 > 0:24:28which was overturned when Sid Vicious made him the darling of the punk rockers.
0:24:28 > 0:24:33Here are highlights of my favourite interview with Frankie in 1980.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37The other guests are Trevor Nunn and Bryan Forbes.
0:24:37 > 0:24:41APPLAUSE
0:24:46 > 0:24:49Oh, that one! Thank you.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51Hello.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55Thank you very much.
0:24:55 > 0:25:01- God bless you. Thank you very much. How are you?- Very well. Are you OK?
0:25:01 > 0:25:04Yes. Commence the interview.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- Commence the interview?- Yes.
0:25:06 > 0:25:12Here, listen. This morning. Wasn't that disgraceful? Did you see that?
0:25:12 > 0:25:15- What?- In the papers. See that?
0:25:15 > 0:25:21- What?- That woman in the divorce, a woman from Glamorgan.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23She's not here, is she?
0:25:23 > 0:25:29Oh, please God, am I saying the wrong thing? It was disgraceful.
0:25:29 > 0:25:34- What was disgraceful? - I'm trying to tell you. Oh, my God!
0:25:34 > 0:25:41Another nightmare's ahead of us, I can tell that. This is a scandalous story.
0:25:41 > 0:25:46She was married for ten years. Burston, her name was, or something.
0:25:46 > 0:25:51Married for ten years and her husband never said anything to her.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54Only three words in ten years!
0:25:54 > 0:26:02- That's all he said. She got the divorce.- For what?- For cruelty. - What were the three words?
0:26:02 > 0:26:07She got the divorce and custody of the three children.
0:26:10 > 0:26:17Is that you, missus, from Glamorgan? Don't try and steal the tag lines!
0:26:17 > 0:26:22- 34 years...- Excuse me, who told you to say that?
0:26:22 > 0:26:27- Where d'you get your data from? - It's an anniversary.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- 34 years?- That's what I was told.
0:26:29 > 0:26:34How the devil could I be performing at eight years of age!
0:26:34 > 0:26:41- How dare you!- Do you remember...? - Oh, dear God, we'll be here till midnight!
0:26:41 > 0:26:47- We ARE here till midnight! I'm so sorry.- That's OK.- How are you?
0:26:47 > 0:26:50Do you remember your audition?
0:26:50 > 0:26:57- Yes, I do.- What did you do? - Well, when I first started... This is riveting.
0:26:57 > 0:27:02You'll be engrossed now. It's been such a jolly show so far.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06No, never mind.
0:27:08 > 0:27:14- He did his best. Didn't you? - It's called a balanced programme.
0:27:14 > 0:27:18- What did you do at your RADA...? - Audition.
0:27:18 > 0:27:26I was in a church play. I was a Sunday school teacher you wouldn't believe that, but I was.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30I was a very young lad and they put me in a play.
0:27:30 > 0:27:38I used to be a very nervous boy and I used to have an impediment of the sp... There we are!
0:27:38 > 0:27:42I used to have an impediment of speech.
0:27:42 > 0:27:47When I got very nervous... Kind of what they call dyslexia.
0:27:47 > 0:27:52So they put me in a play Tilly of Bloomsbury. You wouldn't know!
0:27:52 > 0:27:57Afterwards, the church warden said to me, "You should be an actor."
0:27:57 > 0:28:01So I thought, "Right, I'll be an actor."
0:28:01 > 0:28:05I went to a London County Council class.
0:28:05 > 0:28:12There was a teacher who'd taught the previous year's winner of a scholarship to RADA.
0:28:12 > 0:28:17She said, "Yes, you'll be an actor." So I went to RADA.
0:28:17 > 0:28:24There's a big gymnasium there, and it was a cold morning grey like today.
0:28:24 > 0:28:28I did my pieces. I stood there stuttering.
0:28:28 > 0:28:33And you see... Go on, ask me what I did.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37I asked you what you did about ten minutes ago!
0:28:43 > 0:28:46I trust you're not losing interest!
0:28:48 > 0:28:55- I asked you what you did at your audition.- I did some Shakespeare.
0:28:55 > 0:29:02That's what you want to get into. I did "To be or not to be", which is about three minutes.
0:29:02 > 0:29:06"To be..." It's supposed to last about three minutes.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10By the time I had finished, dawn was breaking.
0:29:10 > 0:29:16All the panel were going like this and they just said, "Get out!"
0:29:16 > 0:29:21So I did and went back... I used to live in the outskirts of London.
0:29:21 > 0:29:26There were some beautiful fields and I sat and cried for an hour.
0:29:26 > 0:29:31I thought, "It's the end of the world. I'll have to get a job."
0:29:31 > 0:29:35Then I thought, "No, I'll be a comic."
0:29:35 > 0:29:40Then I switched to comedy, I hope. Some don't think it's comedy!
0:29:40 > 0:29:47What about doing an audition now for our two very distinguished guests?
0:29:47 > 0:29:52Oh, you can always tell they're distinguished. They dress so badly!
0:29:55 > 0:29:59You're all right, but look at him!
0:29:59 > 0:30:03Have you caught the new suit? Makes a change.
0:30:03 > 0:30:10- And they say there's no money about. - What about doing...?- Who whistled?
0:30:10 > 0:30:12It was a man. That's all I get.
0:30:12 > 0:30:19- Sorry.- Would you audition for these two gentlemen?- Now? - You might get a job.
0:30:19 > 0:30:23A job? The way they're looking! He's going...
0:30:23 > 0:30:27What shall I do? I can't do auditions!
0:30:27 > 0:30:31- What do you want to do? - I tell you what.
0:30:31 > 0:30:39- Promise to listen with interest? - After what you said about my clothes?- It's the sign of a genius.
0:30:39 > 0:30:44- Is it...? - This hypocrisy!
0:30:44 > 0:30:48I might get a job out of this. What can I do?
0:30:48 > 0:30:52I haven't prepared anything.
0:30:52 > 0:30:57Pardon the expression, I'll show you my range.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00Where does it go from? To where?
0:31:01 > 0:31:04- Right, what can I do?- Anger.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07Anger. You'll love this.
0:31:07 > 0:31:09You swine!
0:31:09 > 0:31:14Where's the camera? Play it on that camera there, that's anger!
0:31:14 > 0:31:17You swine, I won't do it!
0:31:17 > 0:31:21Sorry, that's not anger, that's tragedy.
0:31:21 > 0:31:23No, no.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Sorry.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29That was meant to be anger.
0:31:29 > 0:31:35Come on, I'll get you, you swine! Come on! You don't frighten me for a second.
0:31:35 > 0:31:40- What else do you want?- Humility. - Pardon?- Humility.
0:31:40 > 0:31:45- Your flies are undone! > - Shut your face!
0:31:52 > 0:31:57It's a zip. It can't be flies, it's a zip!
0:31:57 > 0:32:02Thank you, Ernie Wise. Keep your trap shut.
0:32:02 > 0:32:07- He's put me off now. Humble?- Humble.
0:32:07 > 0:32:12Oh, please! Please give me some money, I'm starving!
0:32:12 > 0:32:15I'm just a tiny tot. Look at me.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19- I'm no good at all. What else do you want?- Passion.
0:32:19 > 0:32:23- Passion?- Passion. - < I'm over here!
0:32:23 > 0:32:27- LAUGHTER - What did she say? What did she say?
0:32:27 > 0:32:34- "Get off!" did she say? - "I'm over here," she said. - You want passion? Come over here.
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Come on!
0:32:49 > 0:32:53You're an angel. Look into my eyes.
0:32:53 > 0:32:56This one.
0:32:56 > 0:33:00- LAUGHTER - Shut up, you!
0:33:00 > 0:33:04Oh, my darling!
0:33:04 > 0:33:07I love you very much.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10I want to be tender.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14I want to be loving, I want to be gracious...
0:33:14 > 0:33:18But I can't!
0:33:18 > 0:33:21I'll tame you.
0:33:21 > 0:33:25- APPLAUSE - Here we are. Lovely.
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Listen. I still get the audition.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42SHE got the job!
0:33:42 > 0:33:46The cheeky devil said SHE got the job!
0:33:46 > 0:33:49Let's see some action from you now.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52APPLAUSE
0:33:53 > 0:33:56I can't act at all.
0:33:56 > 0:33:59There's no way.
0:34:01 > 0:34:04Anger.
0:34:07 > 0:34:13- That's the method school. - He looks like Geoffrey Howe!
0:34:13 > 0:34:16Come on, passion... No!
0:34:16 > 0:34:24- They haven't given me somebody to work with.- Some drama, then. - I can't. It makes me embarrassed.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27"I can't, I can't!" Go on.
0:34:31 > 0:34:36I won't ask you to do humility cos there's no chance of that!
0:34:36 > 0:34:38Sit down.
0:34:38 > 0:34:42APPLAUSE
0:34:45 > 0:34:53- Oh, dear!- I think he's worse than... - What do you think, Trevor?- Who do you think was best? Be honest.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57It's different cos you're such a virile...
0:34:59 > 0:35:07- What are you laughing at? You have inside information?- I thought Frankie's were all the same.
0:35:07 > 0:35:14- All the same?- That's cruel. - It is cruel. I don't know if I can go on now.
0:35:14 > 0:35:19Would you like to lay bare the real Frankie Howerd?
0:35:19 > 0:35:23In this weather? You're out of your mind!
0:35:23 > 0:35:28- What are you really like underneath?- Pardon?!
0:35:28 > 0:35:33Here we go again. It's too cold tonight.
0:35:33 > 0:35:38Michael, you know me a little bit. What do YOU think I'm like?
0:35:38 > 0:35:44- As a person?- You're like most funny men. You're serious offstage.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46Ohhh!
0:35:46 > 0:35:51Be careful what you say now. I shall sue you.
0:35:51 > 0:35:59If you're naughty, I'll sue you for every penny of that Australian fortune you've got. Every penny.
0:36:01 > 0:36:05You can't earn an honest bob in this country.
0:36:05 > 0:36:12- He hasn't earned it yet. - That's right. - I haven't noticed that stop you.
0:36:12 > 0:36:18- You know me. I'm serious, you think?- Yes, off.
0:36:18 > 0:36:22And capable of being quite down, morose.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Ohh! Isn't everybody sometimes?
0:36:25 > 0:36:29Yes, but you don't expect it of comedians.
0:36:29 > 0:36:37It must make you fed up, people coming up to you and saying, "Make me laugh." You can't be gloomy.
0:36:37 > 0:36:43Unfortunately, I have, as you've said before, bags under the eyes.
0:36:43 > 0:36:48It takes four hours in the make-up room to get rid of these bags.
0:36:48 > 0:36:51And I look more morose than I am.
0:36:51 > 0:36:58I walk around, and all I'm thinking most of the time is, "Tonight I'll have steak-and-kidney pie."
0:36:58 > 0:37:03Really nothing at all. And people say, "Come on, smile!"
0:37:03 > 0:37:08I'm not really... I have a rather dilapidated face.
0:37:08 > 0:37:14Next week we'll be looking at an interview with Orson Welles I did in 1973.
0:37:14 > 0:37:17Until then, a very good night.
0:37:17 > 0:37:22Private Simpkins, L. It's from the girl at the cookhouse at Aldershot.
0:37:22 > 0:37:29She says she's anxiously waiting for him to come home as she has something for him in the oven.
0:37:32 > 0:37:35I don't see anything to laugh at.
0:37:41 > 0:37:46Subtitles by Calum Short BBC Scotland 1995
0:37:46 > 0:37:48Oohh!
0:37:48 > 0:37:51Ooooohhh!
0:37:51 > 0:37:56There's one more. Oooohh! That's the lot.