0:00:02 > 0:00:03BBC Four Collections -
0:00:03 > 0:00:06specially chosen programmes from the BBC Archive.
0:00:06 > 0:00:07For this Collection,
0:00:07 > 0:00:08Sir Michael Parkinson
0:00:08 > 0:00:10has selected BBC interviews
0:00:10 > 0:00:12with influential figures
0:00:12 > 0:00:13of the 20th century.
0:00:13 > 0:00:15More programmes on this theme
0:00:15 > 0:00:16and other BBC Four Collections
0:00:16 > 0:00:18are available on BBC iPlayer.
0:00:22 > 0:00:24APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:45Good evening and welcome.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48It can be said of my very special guest tonight
0:00:48 > 0:00:50that he's lived a full and varied life.
0:00:50 > 0:00:53He has, in order of ascending merit,
0:00:53 > 0:00:55been a shoplifter, bootlegger,
0:00:55 > 0:00:57organiser of indoor pony races,
0:00:57 > 0:01:00gambler, hell raiser, man about town,
0:01:00 > 0:01:02raconteur, soldier,
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Oscar-winning film star and writer.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Once upon a time, believe it or not, he was put up for auction.
0:01:07 > 0:01:08There were no takers.
0:01:08 > 0:01:10All this, and he's still only 21.
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Ladies and gentlemen, David Niven!
0:01:13 > 0:01:15APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:31David, welcome.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35As I said in my introduction, although I can hardly believe it,
0:01:35 > 0:01:37you were once put up for auction - there were no takers.
0:01:37 > 0:01:39How did that occur?
0:01:39 > 0:01:44Well, that was a long time ago in New York, and I was broke.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48And I was selling booze with some ex-bootleggers.
0:01:48 > 0:01:54And there was an old sort of society hostess lady called Elsa Maxwell,
0:01:54 > 0:01:55who was famous in those days.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57She gave these great big parties and things.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59And I tried to sell her some booze,
0:01:59 > 0:02:03and she said, "This is not a good thing. You should marry a rich wife."
0:02:03 > 0:02:04So I said, "Well, how do I do that on 40 a week,
0:02:04 > 0:02:07"which is what I'm getting from the booze people?"
0:02:07 > 0:02:09So she said, "Well, I tell you what,
0:02:09 > 0:02:11"I'm running a thing for the Milk Fund,
0:02:11 > 0:02:13"which is a big charity,"
0:02:13 > 0:02:15and it was a big dance.
0:02:15 > 0:02:19She said, "I want you to be one of the professional dance partners,
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"you and people like Jock Whitney" -
0:02:21 > 0:02:25he became ambassador to Great Britain, didn't he? -
0:02:25 > 0:02:26"and those sort of people."
0:02:26 > 0:02:30And she said, "You wear a green carnation and charge 20 a dance."
0:02:31 > 0:02:35Well, I'd made about 40, I think, for the fund,
0:02:35 > 0:02:37and then an awful thing happened.
0:02:37 > 0:02:41They wheeled on a sort of imitation section
0:02:41 > 0:02:43of the New York Stock Exchange,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46and they had votes
0:02:46 > 0:02:51and people bought shares for the most popular man in New York.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Now, they had all these names of all these people they all knew,
0:02:53 > 0:02:56like the Jock Whitneys and all these people,
0:02:56 > 0:02:59and at the bottom was David Nevins, N-E-V-I-N-S.
0:03:00 > 0:03:01And they thought that was the man
0:03:01 > 0:03:04who'd made the microphone or something.
0:03:04 > 0:03:06And nobody bought anything, you know?
0:03:06 > 0:03:08And it was the most awful day of my life.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10And you saw these ticker things going on
0:03:10 > 0:03:12and thousands of dollars going against everybody else,
0:03:12 > 0:03:14and poor David Nevins at the bottom.
0:03:14 > 0:03:16- Must have been soul-destroying. - Awful.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18Terrible. I bet it's the first time you've come bottom of the league
0:03:18 > 0:03:21- in any stake for women, though? - Well, I don't know!
0:03:21 > 0:03:22Don't be modest!
0:03:22 > 0:03:26But I mean, that was a sort of out-and-out attempt, I suppose,
0:03:26 > 0:03:27to sort of pair you off with somebody in New York
0:03:27 > 0:03:30at the time when you were in fact single,
0:03:30 > 0:03:32but how did you manage in that period before you were a film star
0:03:32 > 0:03:33for feminine company in New York?
0:03:33 > 0:03:36I mean, you have this reputation - or had this reputation -
0:03:36 > 0:03:38of being a sort of man about town
0:03:38 > 0:03:40and a gay persuader of ladies and this sort of thing.
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Did you have a hard time with them generally there?
0:03:42 > 0:03:46Well, I think it's always a hard time to get the real goodies, you know?
0:03:46 > 0:03:48But, erm...
0:03:48 > 0:03:50No, New York was all right.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52There were lots of young people broke too,
0:03:52 > 0:03:55and it worked out pretty nicely.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57Any sort of spectacular mishaps?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59Well, there was one... Oh, yes, there was one!
0:03:59 > 0:04:04I was visiting some people in Greenwich, Connecticut,
0:04:04 > 0:04:05and somebody took me skating, which I'd never done before,
0:04:05 > 0:04:08so I had a cushion strapped on my bottom.
0:04:08 > 0:04:11And it had an Indian's head on it, I remember that.
0:04:11 > 0:04:13And I was crashing round this ice,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16and there was a very, very beautiful girl
0:04:16 > 0:04:18doing figures of eight round an orange.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20And I got out of control,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22and I cut the orange in half and knocked her over.
0:04:22 > 0:04:27And I picked her up again, and I got her telephone number and name,
0:04:27 > 0:04:30and her name - I remember it to this day - was Bea Hudson.
0:04:30 > 0:04:31She said that her father was a doctor
0:04:31 > 0:04:34and they lived at 850 Park Avenue or something like that.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36So I said could I call her up
0:04:36 > 0:04:38when I came to New York, you know, as a booze salesman.
0:04:38 > 0:04:40And she said yes, so I got to New York,
0:04:40 > 0:04:42and I couldn't remember the address.
0:04:42 > 0:04:45And I looked in the thing and I saw D Hudson,
0:04:45 > 0:04:50which she said was her father's name. A lawyer or something.
0:04:50 > 0:04:52Anyway, I called the number, and I said, "Can I speak to Miss Hudson?"
0:04:52 > 0:04:54And a voice said, "This is she," you know?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56So I said, "Well, I'm the man
0:04:56 > 0:04:59"that cut your orange in half," you know?
0:04:59 > 0:05:01- She said, "What?" - I said, "Don't you remember?
0:05:01 > 0:05:04"I had a cushion on my behind."
0:05:04 > 0:05:06Anyway, I got the whole thing wrong,
0:05:06 > 0:05:09and it was not the one I thought at all.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Now, you've got to believe this, Michael, it's completely true
0:05:11 > 0:05:16that, by some miracle, it was another girl called Bea Hudson.
0:05:16 > 0:05:18And she said, "Well, the thing is
0:05:18 > 0:05:21"that the number you called is my husband's number,
0:05:21 > 0:05:24"and he's a lawyer, and this is 650 Park Avenue,
0:05:24 > 0:05:25"and the one you thought you were calling was a doctor,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28"and he's 850 Park Avenue. You've got it all wrong."
0:05:28 > 0:05:31So I said, "Well, how's the husband?"
0:05:31 > 0:05:32And she said, "Well, he's fine."
0:05:32 > 0:05:35And I said, "Where's he work?"
0:05:35 > 0:05:37And she said, "He works downtown."
0:05:37 > 0:05:39And I said, "A long way downtown?"
0:05:39 > 0:05:40She said, "What do you...?"
0:05:40 > 0:05:43And I said, "Well, I tell you what,
0:05:43 > 0:05:45"why don't you leave him downtown and come and have lunch with me?"
0:05:45 > 0:05:48You know, it's easy to be brave on the end of a telephone, isn't it?
0:05:48 > 0:05:49Absolutely, yes.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51So she said, "I never heard such nonsense in my life."
0:05:51 > 0:05:54By the very fact she didn't hang up, I knew that, you know, something...
0:05:58 > 0:05:59So anyway, I pressed on, I was brave.
0:05:59 > 0:06:02I said, "Well, come on, none of you American women,
0:06:02 > 0:06:03"middle-aged ladies, you've got no guts."
0:06:03 > 0:06:05"Middle-aged? I'm 22!"
0:06:05 > 0:06:07Then you know...
0:06:07 > 0:06:10So she said, "Well, you might be a burglar. You might be a kidnapper.
0:06:10 > 0:06:12"You might be a murderer. You might be anything."
0:06:12 > 0:06:13So I said, "I'll tell you what I'll do.
0:06:13 > 0:06:18"I will wear a blue and white spotted scarf and a red carnation,
0:06:18 > 0:06:22"and I will stand on any street corner you name at one o'clock,
0:06:22 > 0:06:24"then you can drive by, you can walk by,
0:06:24 > 0:06:26"and if you like the look of the thing you see on the corner,
0:06:26 > 0:06:30"then we have lunch way uptown, away from this horrible husband," you see?
0:06:31 > 0:06:33So I went, and she gave me an address,
0:06:33 > 0:06:36and it was right outside the Bankers Trust company, a big bank.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39And I'd bought a bunch of roses, you know?
0:06:39 > 0:06:42And it was 14 degrees below zero, and the roses started to go black,
0:06:42 > 0:06:45and I'm freezing to death and standing on the thing.
0:06:45 > 0:06:47It was one o'clock, it was half past one, a quarter to two,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51and finally, about two o'clock, a very attractive girl went by
0:06:51 > 0:06:54and she said, "Hello, Mr Niven." And I said, "Hello!"
0:06:54 > 0:06:56And she went straight past, like this.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And then another one came from this way and said, "Hello, Mr Niven."
0:06:58 > 0:07:01And another one went past. Then three more. "Mr Niven..." You know?
0:07:01 > 0:07:03And they went by in taxis,
0:07:03 > 0:07:06and this girl had called up all her chums, you know?
0:07:10 > 0:07:15And the final achievement was a singing group from Western Union.
0:07:15 > 0:07:16And I'm there, and...
0:07:16 > 0:07:19# Happy lunchtime to you... # from these brutes.
0:07:20 > 0:07:22Enough to put you off women for life!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25I finally met her, and she was divine, but I didn't that day.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27No, no.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Can I ask you, going back before that time,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32what was your introduction to the fair sex, David?
0:07:34 > 0:07:35Do we get bleeped on this programme?
0:07:35 > 0:07:37No, no. No, we don't get bleeped. You may speak freely.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39Well...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I know what you're getting at, Mike!
0:07:43 > 0:07:44Well, you can take the bleeps out.
0:07:44 > 0:07:48Anyway, I was sort of almost 15.
0:07:48 > 0:07:49That's my excuse, anyway.
0:07:49 > 0:07:51And we lived in London,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55and there wasn't room for me in this small house,
0:07:55 > 0:07:59so I was farmed out into a room up at St James's Place somewhere,
0:07:59 > 0:08:01and we lived in Sloane Street.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03And so, every night after dinner,
0:08:03 > 0:08:08this creepy stepfather I had used to give me tuppence for the bus,
0:08:08 > 0:08:12number 19 or 22 or 30. I remember those up Sloane Street.
0:08:12 > 0:08:14And I used to get off at the Ritz hotel
0:08:14 > 0:08:16and walk down into my ghastly burrow
0:08:16 > 0:08:19with a pot under the bed and all that.
0:08:19 > 0:08:20So, I got more adventurous,
0:08:20 > 0:08:23and I used to walk further on, up to Piccadilly
0:08:23 > 0:08:24and look at all the lights, you know,
0:08:24 > 0:08:28the Bovril and Owbridge's Lung Tonic and all those lovely things!
0:08:28 > 0:08:32And then I realised that lots of girls were walking about, you know,
0:08:32 > 0:08:33at the same time.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35So...
0:08:35 > 0:08:38Then I once saw a spectacular pair of legs,
0:08:38 > 0:08:42and I followed this girl, just to look at her.
0:08:42 > 0:08:44And she seemed to have an awful lot of men friends, you know,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46and she would talk to people.
0:08:46 > 0:08:51And so I went to my room, and I kept on thinking about this girl.
0:08:51 > 0:08:53The next night, I couldn't wait to get up to Piccadilly again,
0:08:53 > 0:08:56and I walked around, and I couldn't find her.
0:08:56 > 0:08:58And finally I did, and I saw her
0:08:58 > 0:09:00with a very-nice looking man I thought was her father,
0:09:00 > 0:09:02a man with a dinner jacket.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05And she took him into this little house in Cork Street.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09And I hid and waited to see if she ever came out again.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11And she did come out - quite soon, as a matter of fact!
0:09:13 > 0:09:18So anyway, after that I really thought of this girl all the time,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20and I used to go looking for her at night.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22And, er...
0:09:22 > 0:09:24one night, she suddenly turned on me.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25She was a lovely cockney.
0:09:25 > 0:09:28She said, "What do you want? Do you want a piece? What are you doing?"
0:09:28 > 0:09:31What was she talking about? I said, "Er..."
0:09:31 > 0:09:33She said, "Do you want to come home with me?"
0:09:33 > 0:09:35And I said, "Yes!"
0:09:35 > 0:09:37So I'm taken to this dream...!
0:09:37 > 0:09:39She took me into this flat, and I thought,
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"This is going to be the ginger beer and the gramophone record," you know?
0:09:44 > 0:09:46A likely story!
0:09:46 > 0:09:49And then she gave me this ghastly book of photographs and said,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51"Look, if you have any trouble, take a look at these first."
0:09:51 > 0:09:52And so I...
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Argh!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00And then she appeared with the usual thing,
0:10:00 > 0:10:02the sort of pink shoes and nothing else,
0:10:02 > 0:10:05and I'm gibbering, absolutely gibbering.
0:10:05 > 0:10:08So she said, "You can wash over there. Wash over there, dear."
0:10:08 > 0:10:11And there was a little terrible sort of kidney-shaped table
0:10:11 > 0:10:14full of blue fluid, you know?
0:10:14 > 0:10:15So, I didn't know...
0:10:18 > 0:10:20And I washed my hands.
0:10:22 > 0:10:24APPLAUSE
0:10:28 > 0:10:30No bleeps.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31No!
0:10:31 > 0:10:35I think that's a marvellous introduction to the fair sex.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I tell you what, it beats sex education films, doesn't it?
0:10:37 > 0:10:38Well, yes!
0:10:38 > 0:10:41It really does!
0:10:41 > 0:10:42And then I know, reading your book, too,
0:10:42 > 0:10:44that you became so very fond of her, didn't you?
0:10:44 > 0:10:46That's true, I really did.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48It sounds corny and odd,
0:10:48 > 0:10:52but I think I fell in love with her very much.
0:10:52 > 0:10:55And she used to come down and see me at school.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59And she'd never seen the country before.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02She came from Hoxton. Never seen the country.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05She used to arrive with this ghastly tartan rug
0:11:05 > 0:11:07and potted-shrimp sandwiches.
0:11:07 > 0:11:10Oh, dear! Well, thank God for the rug, anyway!
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Did she ever meet any...?
0:11:12 > 0:11:15I mean, it must have been a bit dangerous to go into school.
0:11:15 > 0:11:17You were at boarding school at the time, weren't you?
0:11:17 > 0:11:18I was. I was up at Stowe.
0:11:18 > 0:11:22It had this marvellous headmaster called Roxburgh.
0:11:22 > 0:11:23And a cricket match was on.
0:11:23 > 0:11:26And she was really a dish, a real beauty.
0:11:26 > 0:11:27Lovely girl.
0:11:27 > 0:11:31And Roxburgh came over and saw me sitting on the rug with this girl,
0:11:31 > 0:11:33watching the cricket.
0:11:33 > 0:11:36And, oh, it was agony.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39He said, "May I join you?"
0:11:39 > 0:11:41And I said, "Oh, sir, please. This is Miss..."
0:11:41 > 0:11:43I won't give the name, even now.
0:11:43 > 0:11:48So she said, "You don't look a bit like a schoolmaster, do you, dear?"
0:11:48 > 0:11:49You know? Anyway, he knew.
0:11:49 > 0:11:51- He knew. - Yeah.
0:11:54 > 0:11:56Did you, David, at that time have any hint, any ambition
0:11:56 > 0:11:58of wanting to become an actor at all?
0:11:58 > 0:12:00No, absolutely none.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03Well, that's not true. I mean, I did the inevitable...
0:12:03 > 0:12:04I'm sorry about this voice.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06I had none at all this morning, and it's going to go in a minute.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09Well, I had a fascinating and wonderful specialist today
0:12:09 > 0:12:12who put things right down, bits of bicycle down to here.
0:12:12 > 0:12:14I made no noise at all this morning.
0:12:14 > 0:12:17It's very wobbly. I'm sorry. But I'll do my best.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21No, amateur night, I used to do amateur things at school, I think,
0:12:21 > 0:12:24and then later at Sandhurst I did some concerts.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26Why Sandhurst?
0:12:26 > 0:12:28Because, you know, looking through your career,
0:12:28 > 0:12:32it seems you're not a man who's taken anything very seriously at all,
0:12:32 > 0:12:35or you give this appearance throughout life,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37and therefore a kind of military training, a military career,
0:12:37 > 0:12:40seems very much at odds with what you're about.
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Was it the loony aspect of the Army that appealed to you?
0:12:43 > 0:12:47Well, first of all, I was put in the Army because we had no money.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50My mother - my father was killed in the first war,
0:12:50 > 0:12:51so her ambition, obviously,
0:12:51 > 0:12:53was to get me off the books as quick as possible, you know?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57So that was the best way to do it.
0:12:57 > 0:12:58And I hacked through Sandhurst.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00I enjoyed that. It was very tough in those days,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02and I think it probably still is.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04And then I was stationed in Malta.
0:13:04 > 0:13:06I was in the Highland Regiment in Malta.
0:13:06 > 0:13:07What was that like?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Oh, Malta was awful.
0:13:09 > 0:13:11And I hope there's no Maltese listening tonight.
0:13:11 > 0:13:15They're sweet people, but they're not mad about their island, you know?
0:13:15 > 0:13:20And in those days we had the huge Mediterranean fleet there
0:13:20 > 0:13:22and just one miserable little battalion.
0:13:22 > 0:13:23So when they went away,
0:13:23 > 0:13:26we had to guard the place and look after it and everything.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30It was funny, a lot of it was very funny, I thought.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33And we got two months' leave a year.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37We got no money. As a young officer, you got 9/6d a day,
0:13:38 > 0:13:43And you had to buy... You were told what to buy,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46and the uniform cost 250 quid,
0:13:46 > 0:13:50and the Government gave you 50, and that's all you got. It was quite mad.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52What was the social life like as a young officer?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54Was it, er...? Did it have its moments?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Pretty powerful, really, yes. Yes.
0:13:58 > 0:14:02"Powerful" is a good word! You've got to expand on "powerful".
0:14:02 > 0:14:03What?
0:14:03 > 0:14:05Would you care to expand on "powerful"?
0:14:05 > 0:14:08Well, you see, first of all, on the island, there was...
0:14:08 > 0:14:12It sounds so awful. It makes me out rather a cad, doesn't it?
0:14:12 > 0:14:16But there was thousands of girls,
0:14:16 > 0:14:17because there were, first of all,
0:14:17 > 0:14:23I don't know how many thousand naval officers' wives there
0:14:23 > 0:14:25and wives of all sorts of other people.
0:14:25 > 0:14:27Then there was the "fishing fleet" that came out.
0:14:27 > 0:14:29The fishing fleet were
0:14:29 > 0:14:33the sort of passed-over debs and spotty sort of country cousins
0:14:33 > 0:14:37who came out trying to grab these poor sailors that came sex-starved
0:14:37 > 0:14:38back from three months
0:14:38 > 0:14:39on the Greek islands or somewhere,
0:14:39 > 0:14:42trying to get husbands.
0:14:42 > 0:14:47And then all sorts of assorted Mid-European ladies
0:14:47 > 0:14:52who worked down in the Gut, the Strada Stretta,
0:14:52 > 0:14:54I mean the highest-class-type ladies,
0:14:54 > 0:14:57but working this ghastly trade down there.
0:14:57 > 0:15:00And when the fleet went away, there were 24 of us, you see?
0:15:02 > 0:15:04So it was...
0:15:04 > 0:15:06It was here also, too,
0:15:06 > 0:15:07wasn't it, that you met this character
0:15:07 > 0:15:09who's appeared in so many of your films, Trubshawe?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10Trubshawe!
0:15:10 > 0:15:12It's hard to believe, David,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15that you kept dropping his name in films and things,
0:15:15 > 0:15:18that Trubshawe was real and existed, but indeed he did, didn't he?
0:15:18 > 0:15:19Oh, indeed he does, too, very much so.
0:15:19 > 0:15:24Trubshawe is my best, best man. He's been my best man twice.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I've been married twice, and he's been my best man both times.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28And best friend.
0:15:28 > 0:15:31And he's huge, he's six foot six
0:15:31 > 0:15:33and has a moustache you can see from the back on a clear day.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36And he was the first one, you know, to grow one.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Long before Jimmy Edwards was ever thought of
0:15:37 > 0:15:39he had a thing out to there, you know?
0:15:39 > 0:15:41Fascinating character, Trubshawe.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43And I used to put his name... When I got into the movies,
0:15:43 > 0:15:45I used to put his name into every one, if I could,
0:15:45 > 0:15:48to sort of send a signal to Trubshawe back from Hollywood
0:15:48 > 0:15:50that I was still there and thinking of him, you know?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52But people got to catch on.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57And I was doing, with Larry Olivier, we were doing Wuthering Heights,
0:15:57 > 0:15:59and William Wyler was the director, and he said,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02"Now, David, Trubshawe's name does not come into the Bronte script.
0:16:02 > 0:16:04"We don't have any of this."
0:16:05 > 0:16:06And he was listening, he was really watching,
0:16:06 > 0:16:08and I was determined to get it in.
0:16:08 > 0:16:12And finally, I suppose it was Cathy
0:16:12 > 0:16:15unleashed these two great dogs on Heathcliff, which was Larry,
0:16:15 > 0:16:19and I had to defend him. And I said, "Down, Trubshawe! Down!" I got it in.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22And then that was cut.
0:16:22 > 0:16:24And they got that out, they had that taken away.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27And the only thing I could do... And I got it in.
0:16:27 > 0:16:28I talked to the prop man,
0:16:28 > 0:16:32and when Merle Oberon and I were being married in the movie,
0:16:32 > 0:16:34walking through the village churchyard,
0:16:34 > 0:16:38there was "Here lies my faithful friend, Michael Trubshawe"!
0:16:40 > 0:16:44What was interesting about that film, of course,
0:16:44 > 0:16:46was it was of the few sort of heavy roles
0:16:46 > 0:16:48you've done, wasn't it? You know?
0:16:48 > 0:16:50I mean, you made your name as...
0:16:50 > 0:16:51Ghastly role.
0:16:51 > 0:16:56It's the world's famous awful part, Edgar in Wuthering Heights.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59That's the part that actors avoid if they're starving, you know?
0:16:59 > 0:17:01It's the most awful part. Oh, God!
0:17:01 > 0:17:03And I was under contract with Sam Goldwyn
0:17:03 > 0:17:05and delighted and doing anything I was told to do.
0:17:05 > 0:17:07He'd told me to do that.
0:17:07 > 0:17:08And I'd read it, and I said, "Not even me.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10"I can't do that. No way." You know?
0:17:10 > 0:17:13So he put me on suspension at once,
0:17:13 > 0:17:15and then William Wyler, the greatest director in the game then,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18came to see me, this miserable little actor, and said,
0:17:18 > 0:17:20"David, you know, you're the only man who can..."
0:17:20 > 0:17:23Well, this was gibberish, but I fell for it, you see? Fool!
0:17:24 > 0:17:26And then I found myself in this ghastly outfit,
0:17:26 > 0:17:29and there was a...
0:17:29 > 0:17:33...an ardent, devout poof who had...
0:17:34 > 0:17:35...invented the clothes,
0:17:35 > 0:17:38and he made absolutely no room for anything down here, you know?
0:17:40 > 0:17:42And I came on the set the first day and he said,
0:17:42 > 0:17:44"David, would you please go...?"
0:17:44 > 0:17:47It was ridiculous, and I had to go and change.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50And this part called for me to cry.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53And I read the script that day, and it said,
0:17:53 > 0:17:58"Edgar" - me - "breaks down at foot of bed and sobs".
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Now, Cathy - this is Merle - is lying dead in the bed
0:18:00 > 0:18:03and Olivier's circling purposely round
0:18:03 > 0:18:05with a log or something, you know,
0:18:05 > 0:18:07and Hugh Williams and Flora Robson,
0:18:07 > 0:18:09all these great experts, and I had to weep.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12And I said, "But, Willy, I don't know how to weep."
0:18:12 > 0:18:16He said, "Speak up." I said, "I can't cry, Willy."
0:18:16 > 0:18:18He said, "Louder." I said, "I can't cry!"
0:18:18 > 0:18:20He said, "Ladies and gentlemen, you've all heard it.
0:18:20 > 0:18:23"Here's an actor who says he can't act. Cry."
0:18:23 > 0:18:25- Oh, dear. - Oh, yes.
0:18:25 > 0:18:27And then I did. I tried, and everybody laughed.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31And Wyler said, "Well, can you make a crying face?"
0:18:31 > 0:18:33And I said, "I don't know."
0:18:33 > 0:18:35So he said, "Well, give him the blower,"
0:18:35 > 0:18:37and I get the menthol in the eyes.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39And he said, "Turn the camera," and I bend over the corpse,
0:18:39 > 0:18:42and Merle's lying there dead in the bed and Larry with the log,
0:18:42 > 0:18:43and I made my crying face
0:18:43 > 0:18:45and they gave me the thing, turned the camera,
0:18:45 > 0:18:46and he said, "Now squeeze. Squeeze."
0:18:46 > 0:18:49And I did this, and a terrible thing happened,
0:18:49 > 0:18:51and instead of tears coming out of my eyes,
0:18:51 > 0:18:52green slime.
0:18:59 > 0:19:00Really awful.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04What a pity it wasn't in colour, that film!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07It wasn't, was it?
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Going back before that, David,
0:19:09 > 0:19:12because you've come on, you've cut out a huge chunk there,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15which was the time when you first came to Hollywood
0:19:15 > 0:19:18and sort of got under contract to Goldwyn.
0:19:18 > 0:19:20What was it like in those days?
0:19:20 > 0:19:22I mean, Hollywood was in its prime then, wasn't it?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Oh, absolutely, yes. - The great boom city.
0:19:25 > 0:19:30How did you first get in there, get into the film industry?
0:19:30 > 0:19:33Michael, I'm basically opposed to elderly actors
0:19:33 > 0:19:34reminiscing about their past.
0:19:34 > 0:19:35If you can stand it...
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Well, certainly.
0:19:37 > 0:19:38..only because those days of Hollywood
0:19:38 > 0:19:40certainly were the great days,
0:19:40 > 0:19:42I mean between 1930 and 1960.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45And I had the great luck and good fortune
0:19:45 > 0:19:46to be there the whole time, really,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48except for the six and a half years in the war.
0:19:48 > 0:19:50And, er...
0:19:50 > 0:19:55take the middle of that, the mid-Forties,
0:19:55 > 0:19:59800 million people a week all over the world
0:19:59 > 0:20:02bought tickets to go to the movies.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Last year, 120 million bought tickets.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07Of course, there was no competition then,
0:20:07 > 0:20:09there was no night baseball, no bingo
0:20:09 > 0:20:11and, indeed, no television, you know?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13So they had it all to themselves.
0:20:13 > 0:20:17And they built up these fabulous stars through the star system.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19And when I started there,
0:20:19 > 0:20:23in a '27 Western as an extra, with this voice...
0:20:23 > 0:20:25I wasn't allowed to speak, obviously.
0:20:25 > 0:20:27So I was silent, doing Mexicans and things.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30And I used to work at MGM Studios,
0:20:30 > 0:20:32and that one studio, Michael,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35at the same time had under contract,
0:20:35 > 0:20:37among others,
0:20:37 > 0:20:39Garbo, Gable, Joan Crawford...
0:20:41 > 0:20:43...Jean Harlow...
0:20:43 > 0:20:45...John Barrymore, Lionel Barrymore...
0:20:46 > 0:20:48...Norma Shearer,
0:20:48 > 0:20:49Hedy Lamarr,
0:20:49 > 0:20:50William Powell,
0:20:50 > 0:20:51Myrna Loy,
0:20:51 > 0:20:52WC Fields...
0:20:54 > 0:20:55...Wallace Beery,
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Marie Dressler and the Marx Brothers.
0:20:57 > 0:20:59This one studio.
0:20:59 > 0:21:04Then they had sort of second-echelon people doing less important pictures,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07like Robert Montgomery, Robert Young, Frank Morgan, those people.
0:21:07 > 0:21:10Then the same studio had, in the children's school,
0:21:10 > 0:21:14learning acting in front of a camera, the children,
0:21:14 > 0:21:16who did their school lessons,
0:21:16 > 0:21:20so many hours a day by California law, two hours, or something,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23in little canvas boxes on the sound stages,
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Elizabeth Taylor, Mickey Rooney...
0:21:26 > 0:21:29...Ava Gardner, Lana Turner and Judy Garland.
0:21:29 > 0:21:31- One studio. - Fantastic.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32And they built these characters up.
0:21:32 > 0:21:35And the same then, at other studios -
0:21:35 > 0:21:36Fred Astaire at RKO,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39and Ginger Rogers and Cary Grant, Carole Lombard.
0:21:39 > 0:21:43Paramount had Dietrich, Boyer, Gary Cooper, that sort of thing.
0:21:43 > 0:21:48And then the public really made gods and goddesses of those people.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50Were they, in fact, real people, though, David?
0:21:50 > 0:21:53Oh, yes, they were marvellous people, they were very superior people.
0:21:53 > 0:21:54- Wonderful people. - "Superior people"?
0:21:54 > 0:21:55- Yes. - Really?
0:21:55 > 0:21:59I mean, I don't mean "superior" in a snob way.
0:21:59 > 0:22:03They were great human beings and very unjealous people.
0:22:03 > 0:22:04Yes.
0:22:04 > 0:22:07One finds it difficult to believe that, you know,
0:22:07 > 0:22:09when one reads about the processing that went on,
0:22:09 > 0:22:13you know, the publicity machine that projected them.
0:22:13 > 0:22:15One finds it difficult to believe
0:22:15 > 0:22:18that they could ever sort of live up to that kind of glamour.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20Well, I think they had an awful time,
0:22:20 > 0:22:23because when the public really identified itself,
0:22:23 > 0:22:26they saw in those people what they would really love to be.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28This is true, I think.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30And they saw their ideas of courage and cowardice
0:22:30 > 0:22:33and good looks and all that,
0:22:33 > 0:22:39but they also had a terrible wish to see the script come full circle,
0:22:39 > 0:22:42so that if, as in the normal course of events,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44they got older and other people took their places,
0:22:44 > 0:22:48or they had terrible home lives or they had illnesses
0:22:48 > 0:22:52or, indeed, committed suicide, which a tragic number did...
0:22:52 > 0:22:53...the public sort of said,
0:22:53 > 0:22:57"Well, it had to happen. That's right. That's correct."
0:22:57 > 0:22:59You know? It was very strange.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01What about the most unbelievable film star of the lot,
0:23:01 > 0:23:02though, David, Garbo?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Because you knew her quite well, didn't you?
0:23:04 > 0:23:05Yes.
0:23:05 > 0:23:08I mean, would she really want to be alone all the time?
0:23:08 > 0:23:11Oh, no question. She was terribly shy.
0:23:11 > 0:23:12Really?
0:23:12 > 0:23:15And my wife is Swedish, and we got to know her very well.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17Terribly shy.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21And really wanted no part of anything else except keeping herself in.
0:23:21 > 0:23:24For instance, in our own house, she went there many, many times,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26and one day, I said to her, "Oh, look" -
0:23:26 > 0:23:30we had a Swedish cook at the time, or somebody was Swedish in the house -
0:23:30 > 0:23:32"Will you sign something for her?"
0:23:32 > 0:23:34No. Wouldn't do it.
0:23:34 > 0:23:35But this is genuine.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37Shy in that sense,
0:23:37 > 0:23:38and yet, reading your book,
0:23:38 > 0:23:40she wasn't averse to taking her clothes off
0:23:40 > 0:23:42and going and having a skinny dip.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Oh, no, the first naked woman that my two small sons ever saw
0:23:44 > 0:23:46was Garbo in our swimming pool.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47- Really? - Mm.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49And I had a look, too. Lovely.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55David, what about...
0:23:55 > 0:23:57When one thinks of that period as well - you mentioned MGM -
0:23:57 > 0:24:00you were under contract, of course,
0:24:00 > 0:24:01to possibly the most extraordinary character
0:24:01 > 0:24:03that even Hollywood invented,
0:24:03 > 0:24:04which was Samuel Goldwyn.
0:24:04 > 0:24:07What was he like? How did you find him?
0:24:07 > 0:24:08Well, he was the greatest, I think,
0:24:08 > 0:24:11because he started the whole business, anyway,
0:24:11 > 0:24:12and he was the only...
0:24:13 > 0:24:15...the only producer in the world, I think,
0:24:15 > 0:24:18who put his own money into the pictures, those huge golden pictures.
0:24:18 > 0:24:21He never went to the bank. He put his own money in.
0:24:21 > 0:24:24He used to say, "The banks can't afford me," you know?
0:24:24 > 0:24:26And I was under contract to him for 15 years.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28And his name wasn't originally Goldwyn at all.
0:24:28 > 0:24:30- No? - No, it was Goldfish.
0:24:31 > 0:24:32True.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34And Sam arrived from Poland,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37because all those fellas who started the Dream Factory, oddly enough,
0:24:37 > 0:24:40they were all, practically without exception,
0:24:40 > 0:24:41from the ghettos of Europe.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45LB Mayer and Goldwyn, who started Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer,
0:24:45 > 0:24:48came from... Sam from Poland, Mayer from Russia.
0:24:48 > 0:24:51Zukor, who started Paramount, came from Hungary.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54Carl Laemmle, who started Universal, came from Germany.
0:24:54 > 0:24:57And Lewis Selznick, who had a finger in every pile, came also from Russia.
0:24:57 > 0:25:02Sam arrived with an unpronounceable Polish name in New York,
0:25:02 > 0:25:04and he was about 15 years old,
0:25:04 > 0:25:08and the Irish immigration man said, "Forget it. Goldfish."
0:25:08 > 0:25:10And he called him Sam Goldfish,
0:25:10 > 0:25:13and he entered America - this is true - as Goldfish.
0:25:13 > 0:25:15And later on, he sold gloves for a bit,
0:25:15 > 0:25:18and then he became interested in the infant movie business.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20And he teamed up with a man,
0:25:20 > 0:25:24a young Canadian writer called Cecil B DeMille.
0:25:24 > 0:25:27And he got 20,000 together
0:25:27 > 0:25:29and dispatched DeMille to make a movie
0:25:29 > 0:25:32at a place called Flagstaff, Arizona, in the desert,
0:25:32 > 0:25:35called The Squaw Man. It was the first picture.
0:25:35 > 0:25:37And it rained for 18 days in Flagstaff,
0:25:37 > 0:25:39and DeMille panicked and disappeared
0:25:39 > 0:25:41and sent a cable to Sam, saying,
0:25:41 > 0:25:45"I've just rented a hut in the middle of an orange field
0:25:45 > 0:25:47"in a village called Hollywood,"
0:25:47 > 0:25:49and that really was the start.
0:25:49 > 0:25:50And Goldwyn went out there...
0:25:50 > 0:25:54met a man called - it's nearly over, this long, dull story -
0:25:54 > 0:25:57met a man called Archie Selwyn, and they formed a company,
0:25:57 > 0:25:59Archie Selwyn and Sam Goldfish.
0:25:59 > 0:26:01And, unbelievably, they took two halves of their name
0:26:01 > 0:26:03and they called it the Selfish Company.
0:26:04 > 0:26:06Unbelievable!
0:26:06 > 0:26:07And then wiser counsels prevailed,
0:26:07 > 0:26:09and they took the other halves and called it the Goldwyn Company,
0:26:09 > 0:26:13and Sam, with a piece of massive commercial treachery,
0:26:13 > 0:26:17nipped off and changed his own name to Goldwyn.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20And poor Archie Selwyn was left out in the cold.
0:26:20 > 0:26:21That's absolutely astonishing.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23Astonishing man. Great producer.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25And what about the Goldwynisms?
0:26:25 > 0:26:27I mean, were they true or were they manufactured?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30A lot of them. You know, one heard about "Include me out"
0:26:30 > 0:26:33and "I'll tell you in two words - im possible,"
0:26:33 > 0:26:35and "We've all passed a lot of water since those days,"
0:26:35 > 0:26:37you know, that sort of thing.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42I actually, honestly, honestly only heard him pull one big one
0:26:42 > 0:26:44when I was there in the whole time.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45What was that? Do you remember?
0:26:45 > 0:26:47I do indeed, but it's rather an American joke.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48- I hope our friends won't... - No!
0:26:48 > 0:26:51Well, quick, anyway.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53Field Marshal Montgomery came out,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56for something just after the war to do with NATO,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59and he was doing something in San Diego with the American navy.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01And Sam Goldwyn gave a party for him
0:27:01 > 0:27:04and invited 40 carefully selected people from Hollywood,
0:27:04 > 0:27:06and I found myself at a table of four
0:27:06 > 0:27:08with Field Marshall Montgomery sitting there.
0:27:08 > 0:27:13and Frances Goldwyn, Sam's wife, there, and Gary Cooper's wife there.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16And Goldwyn got a bit nervous, because of the field marshal,
0:27:16 > 0:27:18and the only time he perked up at all
0:27:18 > 0:27:20was when somebody said "Shooting tomorrow,"
0:27:20 > 0:27:21and he thought it was, you know...
0:27:24 > 0:27:29Frances flashed Sam to make a speech, to say something,
0:27:29 > 0:27:32and Goldwyn tapped his glass and got up,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35and I heard him say behind me - he had a funny voice - he said,
0:27:35 > 0:27:38CLIPPED: "It gives me great pleasure to introduce to Hollywood
0:27:38 > 0:27:40"Marshall Field Montgomery."
0:27:41 > 0:27:42This is, for those who don't know,
0:27:42 > 0:27:45the biggest store. It's like Harrods, isn't it?
0:27:45 > 0:27:49And so Frances Goldwyn looked as though she'd been hit with a halibut.
0:27:49 > 0:27:51And, erm, Jack Warner, without a moment's hesitation,
0:27:51 > 0:27:54said "Montgomery Ward, you mean," which is another one, but anyway...
0:27:54 > 0:27:56That was the only time I ever heard him pull one.
0:27:56 > 0:27:57What about the processing, though,
0:27:57 > 0:27:58that went on with you, David, under that?
0:27:58 > 0:28:00I mean, when Goldwyn put you under contract,
0:28:00 > 0:28:03what happened to you then, when the publicity boys got hold of you?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Well, for instance, they had this sort of questionnaire thing.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07They asked you who was your mother, and I said she was French.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10He said, "That's great! We can use that."
0:28:10 > 0:28:11And he said, "What about your father?"
0:28:11 > 0:28:14I said, "Well, he was killed in the Dardanelles when I was four."
0:28:14 > 0:28:15"Great!"
0:28:15 > 0:28:17I said, "Well, thanks very much!"
0:28:17 > 0:28:18So he said, "What rank?"
0:28:18 > 0:28:20I said, "He was a lieutenant."
0:28:21 > 0:28:23"No good. No good at all."
0:28:23 > 0:28:25And they made him a general.
0:28:25 > 0:28:28And I was always the son of the famous Scottish general, you know?
0:28:28 > 0:28:30Poor Father!
0:28:30 > 0:28:31And also they made you an assistant, didn't they?
0:28:31 > 0:28:33Goldwyn insisted that you went out on the boards for a while,
0:28:33 > 0:28:35went out and got some stage experience.
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Yes, he did indeed. He said, "Now go and get some experience,"
0:28:37 > 0:28:40because he only had four people under contract at any one time.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43And he had me for nothing, obviously,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46and he had Gary Cooper and Ronald Colman and somebody else.
0:28:46 > 0:28:50I've forgotten. Oh, yes, a Russian actress called Anna Sten.
0:28:50 > 0:28:51And so he packed me off,
0:28:51 > 0:28:54and I went to one of those theatres they had in those days,
0:28:54 > 0:28:57because, you see, they used to bring a few people out from New York,
0:28:57 > 0:28:58from the theatre,
0:28:58 > 0:29:00and it was 20 hours by air, anyway,
0:29:00 > 0:29:02flying at 5,000 feet through all that muck
0:29:02 > 0:29:04and hitting mountains and everything,
0:29:04 > 0:29:07or four days on a train to get there from New York.
0:29:07 > 0:29:08So you had to do it right there as an extra,
0:29:08 > 0:29:10and all the extras were would-be stars.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13And I enlisted in one of those strange theatres
0:29:13 > 0:29:16where the actors worked in the night
0:29:16 > 0:29:19hoping that scouts would come round from the studios and see them.
0:29:20 > 0:29:26And I went to the Pasadena Playhouse, which was a very smart one, I think,
0:29:26 > 0:29:29and I got a job in a play called Wedding.
0:29:29 > 0:29:32And I was one of 62 guests at the thing.
0:29:32 > 0:29:36And I shared a dressing room with a maniac -
0:29:36 > 0:29:40who's now a dentist in Omaha, quite rightly -
0:29:40 > 0:29:44and he found a whisky called Mist of the Moors scotch,
0:29:44 > 0:29:48which was made in Burbank, just round the corner -
0:29:48 > 0:29:51anyway, varnish remover, it was.
0:29:51 > 0:29:52I didn't worry, I had nothing to do,
0:29:52 > 0:29:56I came on as the curtain went up with a big bowl of punch
0:29:56 > 0:30:00for the guests, you know, and put it on a table, and went off.
0:30:00 > 0:30:05Second act, I had to recognise another guest, I came on and went...
0:30:05 > 0:30:08My second act. Then the third act was my big deal -
0:30:08 > 0:30:11I had to snatch a conversation with this fellow,
0:30:11 > 0:30:15and on my dying oath, this is true, I had to say...
0:30:16 > 0:30:20"Well, I tell you, the King of Siam does."
0:30:22 > 0:30:24I swear! and he had to say, "Well, I know the King of Siam
0:30:24 > 0:30:30"and I tell you he doesn't." And I had to say, "Oh..."
0:30:30 > 0:30:33And we'd go off, that was my part. So, for the opening night...
0:30:33 > 0:30:38I went round saying, "I'm playing with a rather interesting girl
0:30:38 > 0:30:42"at the Playhouse this week, I think if she gets the right breaks..."
0:30:42 > 0:30:45So the word went round that I was a great big star.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48I went to my dressing room, this ass, this fool
0:30:48 > 0:30:51with this bottle of Mist of the Moors,
0:30:51 > 0:30:54and...telegrams arriving from people I'd now met.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58"Good luck, the first 30 years are the hardest, Clark Gable."
0:30:58 > 0:31:02I thought something had gone wrong, so I had a few belts at the Mist,
0:31:02 > 0:31:07went upstairs with my bowl of punch and came on - to a thunderous hand!
0:31:07 > 0:31:11I did the... Unforgiveable, I put the thing...looked down,
0:31:11 > 0:31:15see who was there. And Herbert Marshall, a big star of the day,
0:31:15 > 0:31:19had brought a surprise party of 30 - big stars, Gloria Swanson,
0:31:19 > 0:31:23Charles Laughton, all out there to see me in my big star thing.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27And I...panicked, and tottered off the stage, with the bowl of punch,
0:31:27 > 0:31:31thereby screwing up the play entirely, because underneath it
0:31:31 > 0:31:35was a note for the leading lady, I don't know. Went downstairs,
0:31:35 > 0:31:39"God, give me some Mist," and he gave me an umbrella stand of Mist.
0:31:39 > 0:31:43then I came up again and thought, "They mustn't see me," you know?
0:31:43 > 0:31:48This time I ran across the stage, like this. Now, the third act -
0:31:48 > 0:31:51we'd had a lot of Mist by now, and I was brave and I didn't mind,
0:31:51 > 0:31:55and I took this poor man with the arm, and I said, "Now, look,
0:31:55 > 0:31:59"I don't want to impose my rather strong personality
0:31:59 > 0:32:02"on your very dull brain.
0:32:02 > 0:32:05"But I have it right from the horse's mouth,
0:32:05 > 0:32:09"I have it on the finest authority that the King of Siam DOES!"
0:32:09 > 0:32:11And he said, "Jesus Christ!"
0:32:11 > 0:32:13LAUGHTER
0:32:13 > 0:32:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:16 > 0:32:19Out, out.
0:32:21 > 0:32:22Terrible.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24And that was it - Mr Gilmore-Brown,
0:32:24 > 0:32:27"Out of my theatre, both of you." First night.
0:32:27 > 0:32:28- Really? - Yes.
0:32:28 > 0:32:30- You we...! - Mist and all!
0:32:30 > 0:32:33You went back to the stage again later on,
0:32:33 > 0:32:35when you were a star, in fact,
0:32:35 > 0:32:37- and you... - To the stage, I see what you mean.
0:32:37 > 0:32:41- Yes. - Yes, with... Was it Nana, you did?
0:32:41 > 0:32:43- Nina! - Nina. Nana! Yes.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46With somebody who was in the audience that night.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48I thought you meant in the audience now, I nearly fainted.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50No! Gloria Swanson.
0:32:50 > 0:32:52- Yes, that's right. - That was traumatic, wasn't it?
0:32:52 > 0:32:55That was ghastly, it was ghastly.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57It was quite a good play in French,
0:32:57 > 0:32:58but it was pretty bloody awful
0:32:58 > 0:33:00the way we did it in English, I know that.
0:33:00 > 0:33:04And we did it... There were three of us in the play - Gloria,
0:33:04 > 0:33:06who played my mistress,
0:33:06 > 0:33:09and Alan Webb, who played her husband - he's a wonderful actor.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11And that was all, just the three people.
0:33:11 > 0:33:15And we opened in Connecticut, Hartford and Boston and those places,
0:33:15 > 0:33:18then we opened on Broadway, and I'd never done this in my life!
0:33:18 > 0:33:20Oh, don't! And Swanson...
0:33:20 > 0:33:23had a theory that actors should always have something else to do
0:33:23 > 0:33:25except act, she was very right -
0:33:25 > 0:33:28and she said... So, she had a clothing company on the side,
0:33:28 > 0:33:32called the Pilgrim Corset Corporation or something like that.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35And she had a clause in her contract that this company should design
0:33:35 > 0:33:37the clothes that she wore in this play,
0:33:37 > 0:33:38and they were pretty grisly garments,
0:33:38 > 0:33:42I can tell you, they were awful. Anyway, she looked...frightening.
0:33:42 > 0:33:45Erm, she wore some pretty funny things in...out of town,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47but when we came to Broadway,
0:33:47 > 0:33:50Alan Webb and I played the first, explanatory scene, he's the husband,
0:33:50 > 0:33:53he his behind the curtain, and the bell rings,
0:33:53 > 0:33:55and it's my mistress coming,
0:33:55 > 0:33:57and I've been rehearsing how to get rid of her.
0:33:57 > 0:34:00In she comes, and she had to fling herself into my arms,
0:34:00 > 0:34:02and I'm pretty nervous, because out there's Rex Harrison,
0:34:02 > 0:34:05my old chum, and Tallulah Bankhead and all these people, everybody,
0:34:05 > 0:34:09opening night. And in came Swanson
0:34:09 > 0:34:11in a sort of black taffeta tent.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13LAUGHTER
0:34:13 > 0:34:15She's very tiny, she comes up to about here.
0:34:15 > 0:34:17And her head's sticking out the top of this tent.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19And she flung herself into my arms,
0:34:19 > 0:34:23and I was so frightened and unnerved by the whole thing that I grabbed her
0:34:23 > 0:34:25and tried to smile
0:34:25 > 0:34:30and my lip was so dry that it got stuck above my teeth, like this.
0:34:30 > 0:34:32LAUGHTER
0:34:32 > 0:34:34I got this... And I...
0:34:34 > 0:34:39And I... And I squeezed too hard in the opening clinch,
0:34:39 > 0:34:42and there was suddenly...a loud report
0:34:42 > 0:34:45and a sort of twanging noise,
0:34:45 > 0:34:49and out of her chest came 4.5 inches of white whalebone
0:34:49 > 0:34:52and...and I'm there, and...
0:34:52 > 0:34:53And...
0:34:53 > 0:34:55it was absolutely...
0:34:55 > 0:34:57APPLAUSE
0:34:57 > 0:34:59Ooh, that... Oh!
0:35:00 > 0:35:04In case you don't believe me, to prove to you this is true,
0:35:04 > 0:35:06I've still got the review that Walter Kerr wrote,
0:35:06 > 0:35:09who was the Herald Tribune man...
0:35:09 > 0:35:10"We understood from the programme
0:35:10 > 0:35:12"that Miss Swanson designed her own clothes -
0:35:12 > 0:35:15"like the play, they fell apart in the first act!"
0:35:15 > 0:35:17LAUGHTER
0:35:17 > 0:35:19You framed that one, did you?
0:35:19 > 0:35:23What about reviews of your... of your own work, David?
0:35:23 > 0:35:25I've only actually got one, I haven't got it any more, but...
0:35:25 > 0:35:26What's that?
0:35:26 > 0:35:29The first one I ever got from the Detroit Free Press
0:35:29 > 0:35:32in a Goldwyn picture, called Splendour.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35And it said,
0:35:35 > 0:35:37"In this picture we were privileged to see
0:35:37 > 0:35:40"Mr Samuel Goldwyn's latest discovery.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42"All we can say about this actor - question mark -
0:35:42 > 0:35:47"is that he is tall, dark and not the slightest bit handsome."
0:35:47 > 0:35:49That would have been awful receiving that.
0:35:49 > 0:35:52- Couldn't get much worse. - Absolutely terrible.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55David, of all the... Of all the... You mentioned there,
0:35:55 > 0:35:57erm, Gloria Sawnson -
0:35:57 > 0:35:59of all the leading ladies that you worked with,
0:35:59 > 0:36:01which did you enjoy most of all, do you think?
0:36:01 > 0:36:03Which gave you most pleasure, working with?
0:36:03 > 0:36:06- Without question, Deborah Kerr. - Really? I interviewed her recently.
0:36:06 > 0:36:09Oh, she's such a sensational person to work with.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13She's a marvellous human being anyway, utterly generous to work with
0:36:13 > 0:36:15and such fun -
0:36:15 > 0:36:18a ghastly giggler, that's the only thing, she giggles a great deal.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20- Really? - Oh!
0:36:20 > 0:36:21But a dream to work with,
0:36:21 > 0:36:24any actor who works with her should be on his knees.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26- Yes. - The biggest male giggler,
0:36:26 > 0:36:30I give you 1,000 guesses, you'd never get it, is Marlon Brando.
0:36:30 > 0:36:31That's unbelievable.
0:36:31 > 0:36:34I did a picture with him, we were playing two crooks,
0:36:34 > 0:36:36and every day, we had to work together,
0:36:36 > 0:36:40and he's such a fearful giggler, and I'm pretty bad,
0:36:40 > 0:36:42that in the end, we played whole scenes
0:36:42 > 0:36:44looking at the tops of each other's heads.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46LAUGHTER
0:36:46 > 0:36:47Lovely man.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49Also at that time, when you were in Hollywood,
0:36:49 > 0:36:53apart from actors, actresses, producers, directors,
0:36:53 > 0:36:56there were one or two extraordinary writing talents around, too,
0:36:56 > 0:36:58- weren't there? - Oh, yes.
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Scott Fitzgerald, he worked in Hollywood for a time,
0:37:00 > 0:37:01they all did their stint.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04He did. Goldwyn had Scott Fitzgerald under contract,
0:37:04 > 0:37:07and he had Robert Sherwood at the same time.
0:37:07 > 0:37:10In fact, Scott Fitzgerald was fired by Goldwyn for a line he wrote
0:37:10 > 0:37:12- in a movie that I was in. - Really?
0:37:12 > 0:37:16We were doing Raffles, just before the war, and Scott was there,
0:37:16 > 0:37:20and he was on the sauce a good bit, you know, by that time.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22- Yes, mmm. - And, erm,
0:37:22 > 0:37:25he had to polish up the dialogue of Raffles,
0:37:25 > 0:37:27and I had to say to Olivia de Havilland,
0:37:27 > 0:37:29who was the leading lady, I had to say...
0:37:30 > 0:37:32..er, "Part your lips,
0:37:32 > 0:37:34"smile."
0:37:34 > 0:37:36She did this, then I said,
0:37:36 > 0:37:38"Who is your dentist?" You know...
0:37:38 > 0:37:40And Scott was fired, he was thrown out.
0:37:40 > 0:37:41- Really? - Yep.
0:37:41 > 0:37:43LAUGHTER
0:37:43 > 0:37:47He was a tragic figure, wasn't he? What a talent, and wasted.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50- Terrible talent, great talent. - Talking about being on the sauce,
0:37:50 > 0:37:53you had a period there, didn't you, with Errol Flynn, where...?
0:37:53 > 0:37:55- What was it, cirrhosis by the sea? - Yes.
0:37:55 > 0:37:56- Yes. - It was, yes.
0:37:56 > 0:37:59- It was the name of the house! - Yes!
0:38:01 > 0:38:04You were... What kind of public reaction was there
0:38:04 > 0:38:07to the life that you and Flynn led?
0:38:07 > 0:38:10Did you ever have clean up Flynn and Niven campaigns going on?
0:38:10 > 0:38:11- Well, there was one woman... - Really?
0:38:11 > 0:38:13Oh, god! There was a woman in New York
0:38:13 > 0:38:15who decided to clean up Hollywood,
0:38:15 > 0:38:17and to start with Errol and I -
0:38:17 > 0:38:19we shared this house for 18 months together.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22But she was going to come out and start on us,
0:38:22 > 0:38:23you know, clean us up.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28And of course, she came out by train, took four days,
0:38:28 > 0:38:30giving interviews at every bus stop.
0:38:30 > 0:38:34By the time she arrived at Union Station in Los Angeles,
0:38:34 > 0:38:35it was astronomical.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37So, the studio put us on a boat and said,
0:38:37 > 0:38:38"Get out of the whole place," you know.
0:38:38 > 0:38:41- It was really very ugly indeed. - Yeah.
0:38:41 > 0:38:44But poor Errol, he was put in jail - no, he wasn't put in jail,
0:38:44 > 0:38:46he was, er, sued and summoned
0:38:46 > 0:38:49and sued for statutory rape, you know.
0:38:49 > 0:38:53Which is absolutely unfair, because the girl, I remember the girl
0:38:53 > 0:38:56and she can sue me if she likes...
0:38:56 > 0:38:59Her name was Slatterly, something Slatterly.
0:38:59 > 0:39:03I remember her often around the place then, and she was...
0:39:03 > 0:39:08I swear to you, I thought she was...had to be 22, 23.
0:39:08 > 0:39:13And Flynn took her on his boat, and then she said she'd been raped.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16And he was... I was back in England by that time.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19He was staggered that this had happened
0:39:19 > 0:39:22and at the trial, she showed up
0:39:22 > 0:39:25with no make-up, pig tails and bobby socks, you know?
0:39:25 > 0:39:26- Mmm, mmm. - You know?
0:39:26 > 0:39:28And she was actually apparently about...
0:39:28 > 0:39:30just under age, whatever it was.
0:39:30 > 0:39:32He very nearly went to the box for years.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35Yes. I suppose at this time that, er,
0:39:35 > 0:39:39that the studio was looking after you all the time, and anything like this,
0:39:39 > 0:39:41it sort of closed ranks, and...?
0:39:41 > 0:39:42Well, it did, you see.
0:39:42 > 0:39:46Take Clark Gable, for instance, not that he ever needed ranks closed,
0:39:46 > 0:39:48but he was the king of Metro-Goldwyn,
0:39:48 > 0:39:49which was the great studio, the biggest.
0:39:49 > 0:39:54And to make sure that Clark really never made a bad picture,
0:39:54 > 0:39:57they had, I well remember it, they had
0:39:57 > 0:40:00six or seven top writers who had nothing to do
0:40:00 > 0:40:05except find, polish and perfect the perfect vehicle for Gable's talent,
0:40:05 > 0:40:07- as a personality, really. - Yes.
0:40:07 > 0:40:11So that every Gable picture was an awfully good picture, and everyone
0:40:11 > 0:40:13- made so many million dollars. - Yes.
0:40:13 > 0:40:15So they had to protect these creatures.
0:40:15 > 0:40:17Not creatures, he was a great man, but...
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Yes, yes. What about
0:40:19 > 0:40:21the other thing about Hollywood, David,
0:40:21 > 0:40:22I mean, was there, to your knowledge,
0:40:22 > 0:40:24not that you ever lay on it,
0:40:24 > 0:40:27but was there a casting couch, as such?
0:40:27 > 0:40:29I think there certainly was, you know, but I think
0:40:29 > 0:40:31very much in the lower echelon,
0:40:31 > 0:40:33I don't think that anybody like David Selznick
0:40:33 > 0:40:37or Goldwyn was ever shoving actresses down on the casting couch,
0:40:37 > 0:40:39I really don't think for one minute. But I'm quite sure
0:40:39 > 0:40:43that wretched girls who were trying to get started
0:40:43 > 0:40:46would assist the assistants, you know, if there was any
0:40:46 > 0:40:49chance of helping things along, but...
0:40:49 > 0:40:52That did go on, and also, don't forget that...
0:40:53 > 0:40:57..outside Central Casting, when I was an extra, there was a big sign up,
0:40:57 > 0:40:59saying, "Don't try and become an actor.
0:40:59 > 0:41:02"For every one we employ, we turn away 2,000."
0:41:02 > 0:41:03So, the competition was frightening
0:41:03 > 0:41:05and ferocious, and these girls, any girl
0:41:05 > 0:41:08that won a beauty contest anywhere in the world
0:41:08 > 0:41:11sooner or later would arrive with a one-way ticket to Hollywood
0:41:11 > 0:41:15and they were working in the shops and the car hops and brothels, and...
0:41:15 > 0:41:19- Pathetic, it was really pathetic. - Yes.
0:41:19 > 0:41:20In your book you outlined several ploys
0:41:20 > 0:41:22that you had about getting to the notice
0:41:22 > 0:41:25of producers and things, Zanuck and people like that.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29You even went as far as playing polo with Zanuck, didn't you?
0:41:29 > 0:41:32Well, yes, but that was quite by mistake.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35I... I mean, the whole thing of Hollywood, for people like me,
0:41:35 > 0:41:37was to sit out the broke periods and
0:41:37 > 0:41:39keep going by working on fishing boats,
0:41:39 > 0:41:43which I did, and that sort of thing, until you got a break.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45You never knew where they were coming from, and often they lead to nothing,
0:41:45 > 0:41:50but I was standing outside a casting office, United Artists Studios,
0:41:50 > 0:41:53and Douglas Fairbanks Snr, the great Douglas,
0:41:53 > 0:41:56drove through the gates, and he was a wonderful man
0:41:56 > 0:41:57but he couldn't remember
0:41:57 > 0:42:00to put the right name with the right face,
0:42:00 > 0:42:01and he thought I, standing in line
0:42:01 > 0:42:05with a lot of extras, was a golfer called Bobby Sweeney,
0:42:05 > 0:42:08who once won the Amateur Championship here in America,
0:42:08 > 0:42:12and he said, "Hi, come on in!" I was taken out of the line
0:42:12 > 0:42:14and got in his car and thought, "God!"
0:42:14 > 0:42:17So, I had to tell him I wasn't Bobby Sweeney.
0:42:17 > 0:42:21He was wonderful, he said, "Oh, come and have a steam."
0:42:21 > 0:42:25The last thing I wanted was a Turkish bath, I wanted a nice hot lunch.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28So, he took me into this steam room,
0:42:28 > 0:42:32and it's a scene from a movie, I was stark naked on a marble slab,
0:42:32 > 0:42:35with Douglas Fairbanks - and I'm an extra -
0:42:35 > 0:42:39Sam Goldwyn, Joe Schenck the head of 20th Century Fox,
0:42:39 > 0:42:42Darryl Zanuck, who...
0:42:42 > 0:42:46had a lot of teeth, Bob Benchley described him
0:42:46 > 0:42:49as the only man in the world who could eat an apple
0:42:49 > 0:42:50through a tennis racket.
0:42:50 > 0:42:54And Darryl Zanuck, and, er...
0:42:54 > 0:42:59Oh, yes, and Aidan Rourke, who was a 10-handicap, erm...
0:42:59 > 0:43:01polo player, who looked after Zanuck's ponies,
0:43:01 > 0:43:03and did some reading for him,
0:43:03 > 0:43:05and a man called Sam the Barber, that's right.
0:43:05 > 0:43:08And I'm fainting through lack of food and the heat and everything,
0:43:08 > 0:43:11hoping that somehow somebody would put me in a movie.
0:43:11 > 0:43:15And Fairbanks had a wild sense of humour, and he said,
0:43:15 > 0:43:17he knew I was broke, I'd told him, he said,
0:43:17 > 0:43:20"Oh, Niven, what will you do this winter,
0:43:20 > 0:43:22"play polo or bring the yacht round?"
0:43:22 > 0:43:25Yacht! I only had 4, you know, so...
0:43:25 > 0:43:28So I said, "Polo, polo, polo!"
0:43:28 > 0:43:29and was carried out by Sam the Barber,
0:43:29 > 0:43:31who threw me into the ice-cold plunge.
0:43:31 > 0:43:34When I came to, Zanuck was bending over me and saying,
0:43:34 > 0:43:37you know, "Did...?" Better be careful!
0:43:37 > 0:43:40"Does he really play polo?"
0:43:40 > 0:43:41And I heard Fairbanks saying,
0:43:41 > 0:43:43"Yeah, he played for the British Army."
0:43:43 > 0:43:46Played for the British Army! So, anyway, I thought it was a way in,
0:43:46 > 0:43:49so Zanuck said, "Would you come and play with my group on Sunday?"
0:43:49 > 0:43:51So, I said....
0:43:51 > 0:43:54"Aidan will fix you up." Aidan Rourke lent me these ghastly breeches
0:43:54 > 0:43:55that were too tight - I could ride,
0:43:55 > 0:43:58I'd done 27 Westerns by now, I rode all right.
0:43:58 > 0:44:02and I'd done a bit of this in Malta somewhere.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04But I'd never played properly, played with good people.
0:44:04 > 0:44:06They were all ten-goal handicap people.
0:44:06 > 0:44:08Aidan's put me on this thing called
0:44:08 > 0:44:11St George, that had a muzzle and bit like a dog.
0:44:11 > 0:44:14Frightening animal. I got onto this thing.
0:44:14 > 0:44:16He said, "You play in the first chukker
0:44:16 > 0:44:18"and the fourth", whatever it is.
0:44:18 > 0:44:19"Wear the green vest and...
0:44:19 > 0:44:21"play number one and mark Zanuck, he's bad, and..."
0:44:21 > 0:44:23I don't know what the hell he's talking about.
0:44:23 > 0:44:25I thought, mark Zanuck, make an impression, you know.
0:44:25 > 0:44:27So every time Zanuck got near the ball,
0:44:27 > 0:44:30I'd come up on this...horrible animal.
0:44:30 > 0:44:35And then finally, it ran away, two or three... It got back.
0:44:35 > 0:44:39For the second chukker, my knees were shaking, the brute knew this.
0:44:39 > 0:44:43Got on it again, and I thought, "I must stay with Zanuck," like this.
0:44:43 > 0:44:44And a man called Big Boy Williams,
0:44:44 > 0:44:46who was a huge hitter, hit the thing...
0:44:46 > 0:44:49Hundreds of people in the stand, including Fairbanks,
0:44:49 > 0:44:52it went over our heads, Zanuck and me, galloping like this,
0:44:52 > 0:44:53and I'm a bit behind,
0:44:53 > 0:44:57and I thought, "If I can ride him off the ball, and maybe even score..."
0:44:57 > 0:45:00Because he was the back. Getting up like this, and we were catching him,
0:45:00 > 0:45:04and St George lent forward... and bit him in the bum.
0:45:04 > 0:45:07Right through the...
0:45:07 > 0:45:11And I tried to ignore this rather embarrassing action
0:45:11 > 0:45:13at the front end,
0:45:13 > 0:45:17and by now, we'd galloped over the ball and trodden it into the ground,
0:45:17 > 0:45:19and there was a...
0:45:19 > 0:45:22white mushroom top showing there, and...
0:45:22 > 0:45:25I'd caught this going by, and I took it,
0:45:25 > 0:45:27the awful horse grabbing him by the bum,
0:45:27 > 0:45:29and I made a swing with my stick.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32It went underneath Zanuck's pony's tail,
0:45:32 > 0:45:35and the pony clamped its tail to its behind,
0:45:35 > 0:45:37and I'm strapped onto the stick,
0:45:37 > 0:45:39and the pony had him by the arse up that end...
0:45:39 > 0:45:43And this...horrible triangle galloped past the stand,
0:45:43 > 0:45:45and...
0:45:45 > 0:45:49and Zanuck, I saw him the other day, he still talks about it.
0:45:50 > 0:45:52I didn't work at 20th Century Fox for years!
0:45:55 > 0:45:59When you came... You had a spell, you left Hollywood and came back
0:45:59 > 0:46:01at the beginning of the war, didn't you,
0:46:01 > 0:46:03and did your sort of war service?
0:46:03 > 0:46:05What was that like,
0:46:05 > 0:46:08was it very difficult being a film star in the army?
0:46:08 > 0:46:10Did they allow you special privileges?
0:46:10 > 0:46:14It was awfully tricky. That was 1939, and, erm...
0:46:14 > 0:46:15it was phoney war time,
0:46:15 > 0:46:17nothing was happening, people were being pulled out
0:46:17 > 0:46:21of good jobs and warm homes, resenting it deeply,
0:46:21 > 0:46:23hating the whole thing because nothing was happening,
0:46:23 > 0:46:26then finding themselves in the middle of Salisbury Plain
0:46:26 > 0:46:29being told what to do by someone they'd seen two weeks before
0:46:29 > 0:46:32making love to Ginger Rogers or something - hated me, I think.
0:46:32 > 0:46:34- Yes, yes. - But we muddled through.
0:46:34 > 0:46:36It took a long time...
0:46:36 > 0:46:38When you got back to Hollywood I suppose it had changed.
0:46:38 > 0:46:39Oh, completely, oh, yes.
0:46:39 > 0:46:42- It was gone, the sort of...? - Absolutely gone.
0:46:42 > 0:46:47And a lot of the old names had gone,
0:46:47 > 0:46:50been... A lot of them went off and got taken over,
0:46:50 > 0:46:54and it changed very much. Don't forget that, for instance,
0:46:54 > 0:46:57all the great gangster pictures Bogie had made just before the war,
0:46:57 > 0:47:00and Jimmy Cagney and those people...
0:47:00 > 0:47:02When Hitler unleashed I suppose
0:47:02 > 0:47:04man's greatest self-inflicted wound, wasn't it,
0:47:04 > 0:47:07with god knows how many million people killed,
0:47:07 > 0:47:10it made no sense to see gangster pictures any more.
0:47:10 > 0:47:12So they got down to realism, finally, in pictures,
0:47:12 > 0:47:15- and away from the dream factory. - Mmm.
0:47:16 > 0:47:18And people like Marlon...
0:47:18 > 0:47:21- and Bogie had always done it, and Spencer Tracy had always done it,
0:47:21 > 0:47:23been absolute naturalistic actors -
0:47:23 > 0:47:24really took over.
0:47:24 > 0:47:28And it was great, and a great improvement, really.
0:47:28 > 0:47:31Somehow, it left you in a couple of odd situations, though, didn't it?
0:47:31 > 0:47:34As far as work was concerned, from time to time.
0:47:34 > 0:47:36The kind of movies that you'd made your name with,
0:47:36 > 0:47:40up until leaving Hollywood, they weren't really there, were they?
0:47:40 > 0:47:42No. The sort of light comedy things.
0:47:42 > 0:47:44I mean, the experts like Carole Lombard
0:47:44 > 0:47:47and Bill Powell and those people, no.
0:47:47 > 0:47:49But I was, thank God for Goldwyn,
0:47:49 > 0:47:52he kept me on under contract for another couple of years.
0:47:52 > 0:47:55Until I lost my head and believed my own publicity
0:47:55 > 0:47:57and told him to stuff it.
0:47:57 > 0:47:59What was his reaction to that?
0:47:59 > 0:48:01He fired me immediately.
0:48:02 > 0:48:06I suppose the thing that really helped you out again
0:48:06 > 0:48:10was meeting Mike Todd, with the Around The World.
0:48:10 > 0:48:12He was marvellous, yes, marvellous man.
0:48:12 > 0:48:13He is extraordinary, that man.
0:48:13 > 0:48:17He is a legend in films, but he's only ever made one movie.
0:48:17 > 0:48:20It's the only one he made, Around The World. He was a conman.
0:48:20 > 0:48:23Mike, you could think of him as anything, as a great entrepreneur
0:48:23 > 0:48:26and a great producer or a conman.
0:48:26 > 0:48:29And...I don't know where he got the money from.
0:48:29 > 0:48:31For weeks and weeks and weeks, nobody got paid.
0:48:31 > 0:48:34I remember when we were in Spain,
0:48:34 > 0:48:38I was made deputy to go and talk to Mike
0:48:38 > 0:48:41and see if we could get some pesetas to buy something with.
0:48:41 > 0:48:45He said, "Right," he worked it all out, what the boys would settle for.
0:48:45 > 0:48:48And his secretary, who had lovely bosoms,
0:48:48 > 0:48:50and she was told to put on a red sweater
0:48:50 > 0:48:53to make her even more delectable
0:48:53 > 0:48:57and stand on a certain street corner in Barcelona.
0:48:57 > 0:48:58And two taxis arrived,
0:48:58 > 0:49:01and men put suitcases at her feet full of pesetas,
0:49:01 > 0:49:03and she got in another cab and brought them back.
0:49:03 > 0:49:04We got paid in pesetas.
0:49:04 > 0:49:06Same deal in Paris.
0:49:06 > 0:49:08We got paid in francs.
0:49:08 > 0:49:11And two or three times during the picture, it ground to a halt
0:49:11 > 0:49:15till funny little men arrived from Chicago and some more money...
0:49:15 > 0:49:18I don't know where he got it from, nobody ever found out.
0:49:18 > 0:49:20To show you how broke he was,
0:49:20 > 0:49:24there were so many leans against the picture when it was finished
0:49:24 > 0:49:29that he wasn't allowed to take it out of the state of California.
0:49:29 > 0:49:31For the costumes and things like that.
0:49:31 > 0:49:35He was allowed to have it for a few hours a day to cut it.
0:49:35 > 0:49:37Then it was locked up by the Sheriff in a safe.
0:49:37 > 0:49:41He finally got permission to show it in New York for the opening.
0:49:41 > 0:49:43And a very smart opening night...
0:49:43 > 0:49:45He'd never had a sneak preview to see what it was like.
0:49:45 > 0:49:48A smart opening night on Broadway.
0:49:48 > 0:49:51And he sent me and my wife, took us there, flew us there,
0:49:51 > 0:49:54champagne and caviar in the suite and all this.
0:49:54 > 0:49:58And everybody in the audience had beautiful hardback programmes,
0:49:58 > 0:50:01with their own name in gold on it, each one, individual programme.
0:50:01 > 0:50:05And I know how broke he was because Bennett Cerf, the publisher,
0:50:05 > 0:50:09produced those programmes, and the cheque for the programmes bounced.
0:50:09 > 0:50:11And Mike got right to the wire.
0:50:11 > 0:50:14And then the next day, he could've borrowed 55 billion.
0:50:14 > 0:50:16He probably did.
0:50:16 > 0:50:19- The kind of nerve I don't have. - Oh, no!
0:50:19 > 0:50:20He's a great loss.
0:50:20 > 0:50:24In that film too, you got a job for an old buddy of yours,
0:50:24 > 0:50:27a marvellous man who I admire tremendously, Robert Newton.
0:50:27 > 0:50:30Bobby Newton. A lovely actor.
0:50:30 > 0:50:31You see, Bobby's great failing...
0:50:31 > 0:50:34Everybody knew it, it's not telling any tales out of school.
0:50:34 > 0:50:36Bobby, he liked the Mist of the moors too, you know.
0:50:36 > 0:50:39- The gargle. - Yes, the gargle.
0:50:39 > 0:50:41And he would over-mist it a bit,
0:50:41 > 0:50:44so it was very difficult for Bobby to get employed.
0:50:44 > 0:50:48Because he'd take off a bit and come back a bit late.
0:50:48 > 0:50:51And so, we were talking about who should play the detective,
0:50:51 > 0:50:54I don't know if you remember the story, Mr Fix is the detective.
0:50:54 > 0:50:56I suggested Bobby to Mike. He said, "Great!"
0:50:56 > 0:50:59I said, "I have to warn you, he's an old friend of mine
0:50:59 > 0:51:04"but lately it's been very difficult for him, because..." And I explained.
0:51:04 > 0:51:07Mike wanted to see him. I said, "Please, he's my friend,
0:51:07 > 0:51:09"don't say, but I have to warn you."
0:51:09 > 0:51:11He said, "I won't say a word, you'll be here with me."
0:51:11 > 0:51:15Bobby came, and he was blue, he'd been out for about three weeks.
0:51:15 > 0:51:17Blue face. Eyes rolling.
0:51:17 > 0:51:20And Mike said, "Ever read Around The World in 80 Days?"
0:51:20 > 0:51:22"Oooh, dear boy, ooh, lovely, ooh."
0:51:22 > 0:51:26He said, "Have you ever heard of Jules Verne?"
0:51:26 > 0:51:28"Ooh, oui, dear boy, ooh, lovely.
0:51:28 > 0:51:31"Mr Fix, are you offering me the role, dear old cock?"
0:51:31 > 0:51:32All this was going on.
0:51:32 > 0:51:35Mike said, "But your pal Niven here says you're a lush."
0:51:36 > 0:51:38I nearly died.
0:51:38 > 0:51:42And Bobby, to his undying credit, said, "An understatement, dear boy."
0:51:42 > 0:51:44Immediately hired, took the pledge,
0:51:44 > 0:51:47and never had a drop through the whole picture.
0:51:47 > 0:51:51Of all those extraordinary people, David, that you met in Hollywood,
0:51:51 > 0:51:55and that you wrote about in your book,
0:51:55 > 0:51:59which, when you look back, was the one you enjoyed most of all?
0:51:59 > 0:52:00The most memorable one?
0:52:00 > 0:52:02- I think Bogie, really. - Really?
0:52:02 > 0:52:05Honestly, he was such an extraordinary character.
0:52:05 > 0:52:07Frightfully intelligent, you know.
0:52:07 > 0:52:10And a great sailor. We got together through sailing.
0:52:10 > 0:52:13He hated me when he first met me.
0:52:13 > 0:52:16He thought I was a very pissy Englishman, as he called me.
0:52:16 > 0:52:20And then we became bosom, bosom, bosom friends.
0:52:20 > 0:52:25And he actually didn't like actors much, he much preferred writers.
0:52:25 > 0:52:29He couldn't stand at the studio, the new group of actors,
0:52:29 > 0:52:32although he was very much the new group himself.
0:52:32 > 0:52:36He used to call them "Scratch your arse and belch" studios.
0:52:36 > 0:52:37But he was great.
0:52:37 > 0:52:42The great thing about Bogie was, he was quite a physical coward, really.
0:52:42 > 0:52:45He had no intention of getting knocked about, he was quite small.
0:52:45 > 0:52:47And every day he'd go into a restaurant
0:52:47 > 0:52:48and somebody would come up,
0:52:48 > 0:52:50"Think you're so tough, Bogart?"
0:52:50 > 0:52:52It never failed.
0:52:52 > 0:52:54He had this very tough wife...
0:52:54 > 0:52:56Not Betty, she's a dream. She's in London, by the way.
0:52:56 > 0:53:00He was married to Mayo Methot, who was a very rough lady.
0:53:00 > 0:53:03Bogie would say, "You want to make something of it?"
0:53:03 > 0:53:06And push his wife forward. She'd hit them with a bottle!
0:53:06 > 0:53:08Wonderful.
0:53:08 > 0:53:10That's one way of using a wife, isn't it?
0:53:10 > 0:53:11Yes. Oh, but, he...
0:53:11 > 0:53:14- Am I being a bore? - Of course not!
0:53:14 > 0:53:17One night, Bogie was here in London with Betty,
0:53:17 > 0:53:20and Hjordis, my wife and I, and John Huston.
0:53:20 > 0:53:24We were having dinner at Les Ambassadeurs in London.
0:53:24 > 0:53:27And in came one of our dukes.
0:53:27 > 0:53:30I'd better be careful here, hadn't I?
0:53:30 > 0:53:32A very tall duke, let's put it that way.
0:53:32 > 0:53:35And the tall duke was not too fond of me
0:53:35 > 0:53:38because he'd invited me once to shoot at his place.
0:53:38 > 0:53:40Some partridges, poor little brutes.
0:53:40 > 0:53:44We were walking up some stubble, in a long line of people, you know.
0:53:44 > 0:53:48It was quite evident to me, having been in an outfit during the war
0:53:48 > 0:53:52that used carrier pigeons, that for miles, a carrier pigeon was coming.
0:53:52 > 0:53:54It's like being able to tell
0:53:54 > 0:53:56the silhouette of a Ford or a Rolls-Royce.
0:53:56 > 0:53:58They fly quite differently from a wood pigeon.
0:53:58 > 0:54:02It was also quite evident to me that the Duke was going to shoot it.
0:54:02 > 0:54:04Some poor old man in Liverpool had let it go,
0:54:04 > 0:54:06it was on its way to Devonport.
0:54:06 > 0:54:09So he did, he hit it, miles up, down it came at his feet,
0:54:09 > 0:54:12everybody then realised he'd shot a carrier pigeon.
0:54:12 > 0:54:15I couldn't resist it, I said, "Are there any letters for me?"
0:54:15 > 0:54:17LAUGHTER
0:54:17 > 0:54:19So I was...
0:54:19 > 0:54:21APPLAUSE
0:54:25 > 0:54:27So I was out of the ducal department.
0:54:27 > 0:54:31I was sitting having dinner with Betty and Bogie and John Huston,
0:54:31 > 0:54:32and the Duke came in with a lady.
0:54:32 > 0:54:35And saw Betty and Bogie and was very impressed,
0:54:35 > 0:54:38came over and I introduced him. So then he had to get off.
0:54:38 > 0:54:41He said, "When are you going to come and shoot with me again, David?"
0:54:41 > 0:54:43I said, "Any time. I'd love to come.
0:54:43 > 0:54:46"Just give me a date and I'll be there."
0:54:46 > 0:54:49He said, "Well, the fourth week in February, how's that?"
0:54:49 > 0:54:53It was then June. I said, "Lovely, fine." And he went off.
0:54:53 > 0:54:57Bogie said, "Hey, get a load of you, shooting with a duke!"
0:54:57 > 0:54:59Huston said, "It's not all that great a compliment,
0:54:59 > 0:55:00"it's the end of the season,
0:55:00 > 0:55:03"it's the time when they ask the drunken local butcher
0:55:03 > 0:55:04"and a few other people
0:55:04 > 0:55:08"and they go around the outside and they shoot the cocks only."
0:55:08 > 0:55:11Bogart said, "The cocks only?" He mulled this over.
0:55:11 > 0:55:14Pretty soon, somebody said something funny at our table,
0:55:14 > 0:55:18and Huston went like that and laughed and fell right over backwards.
0:55:18 > 0:55:20And rolled underneath the Duke's table.
0:55:20 > 0:55:22So the Duke rose from his chair,
0:55:22 > 0:55:24came over and said something very offensive,
0:55:24 > 0:55:26"You and your Hollywood friends," or something.
0:55:26 > 0:55:29And Bogart was out of the chair like a terrier.
0:55:29 > 0:55:31The traditional thing would be to grab him like this.
0:55:31 > 0:55:34But the man was up there so he grabbed him by the top fly.
0:55:34 > 0:55:35He had him like this.
0:55:35 > 0:55:38And lifted. The man was up, off the ground.
0:55:38 > 0:55:40He said, "Listen to me, Duke.
0:55:40 > 0:55:43"What do you mean, insulting my pal? Cocks only!"
0:55:50 > 0:55:52- Have I gone too far? - No!
0:55:57 > 0:55:59I'm going to go to jail after this, I think!
0:55:59 > 0:56:03They'll send the producers to jail, David, not you or I.
0:56:03 > 0:56:09Did you in fact regret the passing of Hollywood, David, as it was?
0:56:09 > 0:56:11When you look back?
0:56:11 > 0:56:13Well, I did, of course I did.
0:56:13 > 0:56:15We were wonderfully spoilt.
0:56:15 > 0:56:17Beautifully overpaid, to do,
0:56:17 > 0:56:20I've always said, get up in the morning
0:56:20 > 0:56:22and dress up and show off,
0:56:22 > 0:56:25playing children's games in front of the grown-ups,
0:56:25 > 0:56:26this is what acting is.
0:56:26 > 0:56:28I love it. Of course, that has gone.
0:56:28 > 0:56:33The whole progression of work for actors has gone now in the movies.
0:56:33 > 0:56:35I don't know how young actors get started,
0:56:35 > 0:56:37I don't know how they keep going, anyway.
0:56:37 > 0:56:40Because, as we talked about at the beginning,
0:56:40 > 0:56:42the studio contract lists are none.
0:56:42 > 0:56:43I don't know how they do it.
0:56:43 > 0:56:46What about the personal pressures of Hollywood?
0:56:46 > 0:56:50You were separated for a while from your second wife, weren't you?
0:56:50 > 0:56:52While you were there in Hollywood.
0:56:52 > 0:56:57Is it fairly impossible, the pressures, to remain happy married?
0:56:57 > 0:56:59I think, obviously, it depends on the individual.
0:56:59 > 0:57:02I think that an awful lot go under.
0:57:02 > 0:57:03Because it was so unreal.
0:57:03 > 0:57:08And if you read... If you're in that cocoon and in that goldfish bowl,
0:57:08 > 0:57:14don't forget at any one time in those days, even up until the 1960s, '65,
0:57:14 > 0:57:17there probably were only half a dozen people
0:57:17 > 0:57:19or a dozen at one time who were news.
0:57:19 > 0:57:24But living in Hollywood were probably 250 members of the world press,
0:57:24 > 0:57:26waiting for something from those people.
0:57:26 > 0:57:28If they didn't get it, they'd make something up
0:57:28 > 0:57:30cos they had an editor breathing down their necks.
0:57:30 > 0:57:33Things were being stirred all the time.
0:57:33 > 0:57:35It was an absolute false situation.
0:57:35 > 0:57:38And entirely my fault, as a matter of fact.
0:57:38 > 0:57:41I know that I began to take myself too seriously.
0:57:41 > 0:57:46And my wife is not an actress, and I must have become unbearable.
0:57:46 > 0:57:51She quite rightly took off for a bit and I had to give it a thought.
0:57:51 > 0:57:53Why in fact did you leave Hollywood in the end?
0:57:53 > 0:57:55You now live in the South of France.
0:57:55 > 0:57:56- Yes. - Why did you leave?
0:57:56 > 0:58:00I think it was a mixture of having made a bog of my marriage,
0:58:00 > 0:58:05or nearly making a bog of it, and wanting a clean break,
0:58:05 > 0:58:09wanting to start off again somewhere else. And also, Scot's blood me,
0:58:09 > 0:58:12realising that the movie business was moving to Europe.
0:58:12 > 0:58:17The combination of the two, and itchy feet, took us off.
0:58:17 > 0:58:21And since then, of course, you've had extraordinary success
0:58:21 > 0:58:24with this book of yours, haven't you, The Moon's A Balloon.
0:58:24 > 0:58:28It's been published, what, a year now and you've sold 200,000 copies.
0:58:28 > 0:58:29It's ridiculous.
0:58:29 > 0:58:33And yesterday, we had this lunch, the publisher gave me lunch.
0:58:33 > 0:58:36One year, yesterday, a bestseller. Very proud of that.
0:58:36 > 0:58:40It's a very readable book, actually. It's very, very funny.
0:58:40 > 0:58:42- Did you enjoy writing it? - Yes.
0:58:42 > 0:58:46After all, if you're an actor, you're an egomaniac.
0:58:46 > 0:58:51And the supreme egomania is to write 130,000 words about yourself, really.
0:58:51 > 0:58:54Yes, yes, that's true.
0:58:54 > 0:58:57If you look at it like that, it might give me some inspiration!
0:58:57 > 0:59:00David, can I ask you, just a couple of final questions.
0:59:00 > 0:59:02You've worked since leaving Hollywood,
0:59:02 > 0:59:04you've worked all over Europe now.
0:59:04 > 0:59:07Have you, on location and all this sort of thing,
0:59:07 > 0:59:11have you ever had any narrow escapes at all in that time?
0:59:11 > 0:59:13I mean, it's a fairly hairy occupation.
0:59:13 > 0:59:17Actually, I've made movies in 14 different countries
0:59:17 > 0:59:18in the last 10 years.
0:59:18 > 0:59:20And many movies in some of them.
0:59:20 > 0:59:23Yes, I've had some nasty spots.
0:59:23 > 0:59:26John Frankenheimer nearly got me eaten by sharks in Mexico.
0:59:26 > 0:59:28Asked me to jump off a mast.
0:59:28 > 0:59:31I said, "What about the sharks?" He said, "There aren't any."
0:59:31 > 0:59:35I said, "They ate three priests down the road last month!"
0:59:35 > 0:59:36He said, "Nothing, no sharks."
0:59:36 > 0:59:38Finally I did this thing.
0:59:38 > 0:59:40I came out of the water, everyone clapped,
0:59:40 > 0:59:42they thought it was very brave.
0:59:42 > 0:59:45Two minutes later, this great grey beast went past.
0:59:45 > 0:59:47I said, "John, you son of a... Look, shark!"
0:59:47 > 0:59:49He said, "Dolphin, dolphin."
0:59:50 > 0:59:53Then, oh yes, I had another horrid thing in Italy.
0:59:53 > 0:59:57I was doing a picture with Peter Sellers up in the mountains.
0:59:57 > 0:59:58I love to ski.
0:59:58 > 1:00:01And it called for me to do a bit of skiing in the thing.
1:00:01 > 1:00:04You're not allowed to ski if you're an actor in a movie,
1:00:04 > 1:00:06because if you break something, the whole picture's through.
1:00:06 > 1:00:11So the director said, "I want you, David, to turn into the camera."
1:00:11 > 1:00:14I didn't want to lie. I said, "How do you turn on skis?"
1:00:14 > 1:00:17So, he said, "You don't know how to turn?"
1:00:17 > 1:00:19I said... I didn't lie, honestly.
1:00:19 > 1:00:21Next thing, I knew it would happen, I saw it,
1:00:21 > 1:00:24"Mr Niven, ski teacher to teach him how to turn."
1:00:24 > 1:00:26It takes you about 10 years to learn how to turn.
1:00:26 > 1:00:30Off I went, up the top of the mountain, in my movie ski things,
1:00:30 > 1:00:32which were very thin.
1:00:32 > 1:00:35It was unbelievably cold, it was January,
1:00:35 > 1:00:39at Cortina, and it's high, it was 30 below zero on top.
1:00:39 > 1:00:41I went up there with this fellow, and it was, ooh...
1:00:41 > 1:00:43Nobody else was skiing, it was so cold.
1:00:43 > 1:00:46So we came down, I was following him, we were going rather fast,
1:00:46 > 1:00:48faster than I liked, really.
1:00:48 > 1:00:50And suddenly, I get a funny feeling
1:00:50 > 1:00:53that where I should have been the warmest,
1:00:53 > 1:00:57I was... Something had gone terribly wrong...amidships, you know.
1:00:58 > 1:01:02And the word, the neon sign "frostbite" went on in...
1:01:04 > 1:01:06So...
1:01:06 > 1:01:10So I clasped my hands here, like this,
1:01:10 > 1:01:14thereby putting myself into the racing position and went pssshht!
1:01:14 > 1:01:16Right past the instructor.
1:01:16 > 1:01:20And we get to the bottom, and I know it's happened, and I panic.
1:01:20 > 1:01:24There were four mauve men there warming themselves.
1:01:24 > 1:01:28My Italian is very bad. I said, "Cazzo gelato!" Frozen...
1:01:28 > 1:01:30Anyway. So they caught on, they said "Put it in the snow."
1:01:30 > 1:01:32I said, "Put it in the snow?!"
1:01:34 > 1:01:36Put yours in the snow! Mine's cold enough.
1:01:39 > 1:01:42So then my man arrived, he said, "Alcohol, put it in alcohol."
1:01:42 > 1:01:45So they put me in this terrible old taxi and drove me
1:01:45 > 1:01:49through the main street of Cortina, which is a very chic place, you know,
1:01:49 > 1:01:52with these four horny-handed guides keeping circulation going.
1:01:55 > 1:01:56Oh, God!
1:01:56 > 1:01:58APPLAUSE
1:02:06 > 1:02:10I've heard of some uses for alcohol, but never that before!
1:02:12 > 1:02:16David, can I finally ask you, what is the most extraordinary thing
1:02:16 > 1:02:19that you've had to do in this extraordinary life you've had?
1:02:19 > 1:02:21The thing when you look back, you think,
1:02:21 > 1:02:22my word, that took some beating,
1:02:22 > 1:02:25that was the daftest thing I've ever done.
1:02:25 > 1:02:28Well, just the other day, something pretty spooky.
1:02:28 > 1:02:30Lawrence Durrell, who wrote that marvellous book
1:02:30 > 1:02:34My Family And Other Animals, he has a zoo in Jersey.
1:02:35 > 1:02:38So he had a congra...
1:02:38 > 1:02:41What is...when you get a whole lot of people together.
1:02:41 > 1:02:43- Congregation. - Convention.
1:02:43 > 1:02:47...of all the great wildlife preservationists in the world.
1:02:47 > 1:02:49He had 600 of them there.
1:02:49 > 1:02:51And the big thing of this congress
1:02:51 > 1:02:54was to be the wedding of two gorillas.
1:02:54 > 1:02:58There was a female gorilla in his zoo, and they brought from Basel
1:02:58 > 1:03:02in Switzerland, this immense one that was going to be the husband.
1:03:02 > 1:03:07And he asked Hjordis, my wife and I, to go and open the new gorilla cage
1:03:07 > 1:03:11and asked me to be best man at the wedding of the two gorillas.
1:03:11 > 1:03:13So I thought I'd go the whole way
1:03:13 > 1:03:15and I put on the full Ascot, everything, grey top hat.
1:03:15 > 1:03:18And I had a bouquet of bananas and corn.
1:03:18 > 1:03:20Now, on this hill there, looking,
1:03:20 > 1:03:23the new cage is here with the two gorillas,
1:03:23 > 1:03:26separated because they were going to be let go afterwards.
1:03:26 > 1:03:28Hjordis is waiting to pull the plug, opening the little plaque,
1:03:28 > 1:03:31"Opened by Mr and Mrs D Niven," that thing.
1:03:31 > 1:03:34And up here, there's 600 very important scientists.
1:03:34 > 1:03:37And I'm hacking through some ghastly speech, and getting laughs,
1:03:37 > 1:03:39I couldn't believe my eyes.
1:03:39 > 1:03:42I wasn't trying to be funny, even. They were roaring.
1:03:42 > 1:03:44I thought Hjordis was doing something funny.
1:03:44 > 1:03:46I looked round, some ass had opened the gate,
1:03:46 > 1:03:48and the two gorillas were at it right behind me.
1:03:50 > 1:03:51Ohh, I'll get a...
1:03:51 > 1:03:53SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE
1:03:59 > 1:04:01I somehow think that...
1:04:01 > 1:04:02- Can I? - Go on, carry on, please.
1:04:02 > 1:04:05- Could I tell you one gorilla story? - You can.
1:04:05 > 1:04:07It must be the end, because you wouldn't want me after this.
1:04:07 > 1:04:08We won't follow this.
1:04:08 > 1:04:10I don't think anybody will follow this.
1:04:10 > 1:04:12- Shall I try? - Of course.
1:04:12 > 1:04:18Well, a man came home in his little house in the row.
1:04:18 > 1:04:21And he had one palm tree in his garden.
1:04:21 > 1:04:23And as he walked into his house,
1:04:23 > 1:04:26he looked up and there was a gorilla in the palm tree.
1:04:27 > 1:04:29Now, this is Croydon or somewhere.
1:04:29 > 1:04:32If there are palm trees in Croydon.
1:04:32 > 1:04:34So he... "Christ!" he said, and the thing's up.
1:04:34 > 1:04:38He ran into his house, looked through the window and it was still there.
1:04:38 > 1:04:42He got the telephone directory, Yellow Pages, gorilla control.
1:04:42 > 1:04:44So he found gorilla control.
1:04:44 > 1:04:46And he said, "I've got a gorilla in my palm tree!"
1:04:46 > 1:04:49They said, "Please, sir, relax, we'll get the gorilla. Don't panic.
1:04:49 > 1:04:52"Give me the address, we'll be there." "Right."
1:04:52 > 1:04:56A station wagon arrived, and out of it got a little man in a deerstalker.
1:04:56 > 1:04:58With a tiny dog about this big,
1:04:58 > 1:05:02and a large net and a revolver.
1:05:02 > 1:05:04The man said, "Come on, quick, come in here!"
1:05:04 > 1:05:06He said, "Sir, don't panic, we'll get rid of the gorilla."
1:05:06 > 1:05:07"What are you going to do?"
1:05:07 > 1:05:10He said, "You hold the revolver, I'll tell you what we'll do.
1:05:10 > 1:05:12"I will go outside, climb the tree
1:05:12 > 1:05:14"and I will shake the gorilla to the ground.
1:05:14 > 1:05:17"The dog, which is highly trained,
1:05:17 > 1:05:21"will then dash forward and bite the gorilla in the bleep." Aaah!
1:05:23 > 1:05:26"This paralyses the gorilla.
1:05:26 > 1:05:28"Whereupon...
1:05:28 > 1:05:32"Whereupon I, whereupon I throw the net over the gorilla, tie it up,
1:05:32 > 1:05:34"put it in the station wagon and take it to the zoo."
1:05:34 > 1:05:36"What do I do? "Yes, I forgot about you.
1:05:36 > 1:05:38"You hold the revolver.
1:05:38 > 1:05:41"If anything awful happens and by mistake I shake myself to the ground,
1:05:41 > 1:05:44"shoot the dog."
1:05:46 > 1:05:48I'd better go now!
1:05:48 > 1:05:49APPLAUSE
1:05:54 > 1:05:55David, all I can say to you after that
1:05:55 > 1:05:58is thank you very much for being my guest tonight.
1:05:58 > 1:06:00I've really enjoyed it, thank you very much.
1:06:00 > 1:06:03Thank you, Michael. You make it very easy. You're wonderful.
1:06:03 > 1:06:05Marvellous. Till next week, bye-bye.