0:00:02 > 0:00:05This programme contains some strong language
0:00:05 > 0:00:08In a world where attraction's based on looks, what'd happen
0:00:08 > 0:00:10if you relied on your personality? Thanks to some prosthetics...
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Oh, my God!
0:00:13 > 0:00:14..we're going to find out.
0:00:14 > 0:00:16SHE SCREAMS
0:00:16 > 0:00:21Will true love blossom when what you see is definitely not what you get?
0:00:21 > 0:00:22This is...
0:00:28 > 0:00:32I'm here today to obviously meet the man of my dreams.
0:00:32 > 0:00:36Over the last couple of years, it's been pretty quiet.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38A bit like a desert.
0:00:38 > 0:00:43# I'm going to take this night And make it evergreen. #
0:00:43 > 0:00:47This tree is Bridget Jones - yes, Bridget Jones!
0:00:47 > 0:00:49Just like the one with the diary.
0:00:49 > 0:00:54# All by myself... #
0:00:54 > 0:00:57So is Bridget Jones anything like Bridget Jones?
0:00:57 > 0:01:00I guess I'm getting a bit older and still single.
0:01:00 > 0:01:03I guess I'm a little bit ditsy. I'm not blonde, and I don't smoke.
0:01:03 > 0:01:05I drink too much, though.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09So what's our tree's tipple of choice? A Pine-ot Grigio?
0:01:09 > 0:01:13Vodka and Diet Oak? Ha! I'll stop now. Oh, Woody Mary!
0:01:13 > 0:01:17No. So what sort of guy does Bridget normally go for?
0:01:17 > 0:01:18Open-minded.
0:01:18 > 0:01:21Also nice, not too nice.
0:01:21 > 0:01:23You can't have someone TOO nice.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Well, if you're lucky we might be able to find a bit of a tool
0:01:26 > 0:01:27for you today.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29Three hours in make-up turned Bridget
0:01:29 > 0:01:32into the cabbage-skinned, tree woman before us.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34But what will friend Carolina think
0:01:34 > 0:01:36when she sees her for the first time?
0:01:36 > 0:01:41Oh, my God! Oh, my gosh, you look so different, man!
0:01:41 > 0:01:44Bridget definitely is out to find love
0:01:44 > 0:01:47and maybe she will find the one here.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50Maybe. It's been a long road.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53Well, this road to romance has come to a crossroads.
0:01:53 > 0:01:56Let's turn left and meet potential tool number one.
0:01:56 > 0:01:58I'm a nice guy, but then I'm a bit of an animal.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00It's quite hard to tame me.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02I'm a demon, there's nothing you can do about it, really, is there?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04I do demon-like things.
0:02:04 > 0:02:05# Like a bat out of hell
0:02:05 > 0:02:07# I'll be gone when the morning comes. #
0:02:10 > 0:02:13Meet Matty, a demonic football coach.
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Do you know? If only there was some way of finding out where he's from.
0:02:17 > 0:02:20Now that is both classy and informative.
0:02:20 > 0:02:22So what demon-like things does this demon do?
0:02:22 > 0:02:25I was at me friend's, there was a spider on the floor,
0:02:25 > 0:02:26and he went, "Eat it."
0:02:26 > 0:02:28So I just thought, you know, "Bear Grylls does it."
0:02:28 > 0:02:31Wallop, straight in the mouth, couple of chews, it was down.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34What?! You ate a spider?
0:02:34 > 0:02:36I feel quite sly now, to be honest with you, that I ate it.
0:02:36 > 0:02:39But, you know, it's, erm, it's up there now.
0:02:39 > 0:02:42A moment's silence, please, for the spider.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44That'll do.
0:02:44 > 0:02:47Right, let's see what Matty's friend Jack's got to say.
0:02:47 > 0:02:50HE LAUGHS
0:02:50 > 0:02:53The type of girl that Matty goes for is...
0:02:53 > 0:02:55anything with a pulse.
0:02:55 > 0:02:59Anything that will say, "Yeah." He's been with worse than that.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01But I always seem to get freaks.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03Well, things are unlikely to change today.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05HE GROWLS
0:03:05 > 0:03:07HE COUGHS
0:03:07 > 0:03:08Matty's going to do pretty well,
0:03:08 > 0:03:10because he's got one of them personalities
0:03:10 > 0:03:13that just shine through. He can make anyone laugh.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15- That was beautiful, that.- It was, wasn't it?- Beautiful.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Thanks, mate.
0:03:17 > 0:03:19We'll leave these two lovebirds alone, shall we?
0:03:19 > 0:03:21And meet beast number two.
0:03:21 > 0:03:24I seem to have weirdly great success with...with women.
0:03:24 > 0:03:27I'm not sure why, maybe it is the personality,
0:03:27 > 0:03:28maybe it's the looks.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30# Top o' the mornin' to ya
0:03:32 > 0:03:34# Top o' the mornin' to ya. #
0:03:34 > 0:03:36Meet entrepreneur Chris.
0:03:36 > 0:03:38A six foot two inch tall leprechaun from Essex,
0:03:38 > 0:03:42who has looks, personality and charm, apparently.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45I think I'm charming in a kind of Hugh Grant kind of way.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48'I think I might look a bit like Hugh Grant.'
0:03:50 > 0:03:53Hugh Grant? And he's about to go on a date with Bridget Jones!
0:03:53 > 0:03:56It's almost like somebody's planned this.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58But there is one horrifying presence
0:03:58 > 0:04:02that gives our gingery maybe-Hugh Grant the willies.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Yeah, I have a kind of slight phobia of crisps.
0:04:05 > 0:04:07Yes, he said "crisps".
0:04:07 > 0:04:13When it comes to Monster Munch and Quavers, Wotsits...
0:04:13 > 0:04:15And most terrifyingly of all...
0:04:17 > 0:04:18..Skips.
0:04:18 > 0:04:20SCREAMING
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I'm not keen on being around them.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26For God's sake, no-one mention Nice 'N' Spicy Nik Naks!
0:04:26 > 0:04:30Anyway, how does Chris' friend Abbie rate his chances?
0:04:30 > 0:04:32Oh, my God!
0:04:32 > 0:04:34You're ginger.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Chris'll do really well, I think so, yeah.
0:04:36 > 0:04:40He's got some, erm, tricks up his sleeve.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42SHE CHUCKLES
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Yes, fans of leprechaun magic are in for a real treat later in the show.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49But right now here's one for the north-eastern fish enthusiast.
0:04:49 > 0:04:53I think I'm quite a nice lad, once you get to know us.
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I'm quite a relationship-type lad,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59so I'm a little softie, when it comes down to it.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01# Too many fish in the sea
0:05:01 > 0:05:04# Too many fish in the sea. #
0:05:04 > 0:05:07This is Jake, a doorman from County Durham a la mer.
0:05:07 > 0:05:10But he's not just any fish, he's a body-building fish.
0:05:10 > 0:05:13I'm a body builder, and I'm currently champion of the whole
0:05:13 > 0:05:15of the north-east of Britain...
0:05:15 > 0:05:16Wow!
0:05:16 > 0:05:18..for under-21s.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20Meh.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23I find girls just want us for me body and that annoys us.
0:05:23 > 0:05:25I'd rather that they came and spoke to us first,
0:05:25 > 0:05:28and, erm, just seeing what I was all about, really.
0:05:28 > 0:05:31Well said, Jake, you're not just a piece of meat,
0:05:31 > 0:05:34you're a piece of low-fat, omega-3-rich meat.
0:05:34 > 0:05:37So what does our sensitive sea bass look for in a lady?
0:05:37 > 0:05:39Me ideal girl would be bonny looking
0:05:39 > 0:05:41and she'd have big boobs.
0:05:41 > 0:05:42Oh, hang on, I thought you said...
0:05:42 > 0:05:44I don't judge girls by having no boobs,
0:05:44 > 0:05:47but I tend to find I go for ones with big boobs.
0:05:47 > 0:05:48Ah, that's OK, then.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50I am a boob man.
0:05:50 > 0:05:51Yeah, we gathered that, thanks.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55So what does Jake's friend, Daniel, think of his new look?
0:05:56 > 0:05:59No way, how are you?
0:05:59 > 0:06:01How you goin'? You all right?
0:06:01 > 0:06:03Do I look like a sexy squid?
0:06:03 > 0:06:06If anyone out there knows what Jake and Daniel are saying,
0:06:06 > 0:06:08please do get in touch.
0:06:08 > 0:06:10Shall we start again?
0:06:10 > 0:06:12Girls usually go for Jake's body.
0:06:12 > 0:06:14He's shows it off all the time.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16He's always tensing in the mirrors, posing.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18You're full of shite!
0:06:18 > 0:06:21He knows how to talk to a lady and he's confident.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25Like, so I don't think there'll be any, like, awkward silence.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32OK...
0:06:32 > 0:06:34# It's raining men... #
0:06:34 > 0:06:37It's raining men. Well, more of a weird drizzle, really.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40But, still, we have three freaks after our beautiful bush.
0:06:40 > 0:06:43Each beast gets a ten-minute speed date with Bridget,
0:06:43 > 0:06:45before she brutally dumps one of them,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48much like the leaves she sheds every autumn.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50The make-up stays on until the dates are done,
0:06:50 > 0:06:54so personalities ready, boys, go romance that tree!
0:06:54 > 0:06:58# We found love in a hopeless place. #
0:07:00 > 0:07:03First to try and enter the forest is Matty.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06So...so what is it you are, anyway? You look a bit like a tree.
0:07:06 > 0:07:08- Yeah, exactly. - Is that what you are? Yeah.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10- You look a bit rough. - I have no idea what you are.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13Feel like a dildo, look a condom. I think it's a bit of both.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16'I went straight in with the dildo shout,'
0:07:16 > 0:07:19I don't think she knew how to respond to it.
0:07:19 > 0:07:22It put me off because it was just a bit crass for me.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25Not a good start for the demonic dildo.
0:07:25 > 0:07:27What's your favourite film?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29Horror films. Now, I think the last one I watched
0:07:29 > 0:07:31was, like, say, Paranormal Activity.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33But I've got to be with someone else to watch it.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Yes, a demon who is terrified of Paranormal Activity(!)
0:07:36 > 0:07:40Sexy Beasts, dispelling stereotypes right here on the BBC.
0:07:40 > 0:07:46If you had to choose between a woman's body and a fish's head
0:07:46 > 0:07:50or a woman's head and a fish's body,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52which would you want to go on a date with?
0:07:52 > 0:07:55- What type of fish?- A trout.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57A trout? Lovely choice.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01Think hard, Matty, get this wrong and she could LEAVE!
0:08:01 > 0:08:05I'd probably say a fish's body and a woman's head.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07Just simply because you can see who you're talking to then.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09But she wouldn't be able to walk.
0:08:09 > 0:08:11She wouldn't be, no, but I'd just leave her in a little jar,
0:08:11 > 0:08:14cos I don't think a fish would be able to speak to me, so...
0:08:14 > 0:08:16I can't speak fish.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18Yeah, he was very easy to talk to,
0:08:18 > 0:08:19and he seems like a really fun person.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21So, yeah, overall, it was a very good date.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I think we did have a little...a little bit of a laugh, and as long
0:08:24 > 0:08:28as one of the other guys is like a wet lettuce, then I'll be all right.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32So an impressive dating recovery from the dildo-obsessed demon.
0:08:32 > 0:08:37Time to find out what tricks Chris has up his leprechaun sleeve.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- I'm Chris, nice to meet you. - It's nice to meet you.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41- Yeah, I got you a present. - Oh, thank you.
0:08:41 > 0:08:45- I kind of drew what I'd expected you to look like.- That's amazing.
0:08:45 > 0:08:46It's not too far off, actually.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48Yeah, I think you've done really well.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52He did like a cool picture on it, which was very, very interesting,
0:08:52 > 0:08:54very detailed, very nice.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56Very shit.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00I want to just do a little test to see if we're a good match.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- I've got a pack of cards.- Oh, yeah?
0:09:02 > 0:09:05This is it, the leprechaun's about to conjure actual, real magic.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Can we have a change of music to set the tone, please?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Thank you.
0:09:11 > 0:09:14- I've got a card turned upside down in there.- OK.
0:09:14 > 0:09:18- I want to see if we're on the same wavelength.- Right.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20So do you want to name a card?
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I'm going to go for the two of hearts.
0:09:22 > 0:09:24Two of hearts.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Oh, the two of hearts! THE most romantic card!
0:09:27 > 0:09:3052 cards in the pack, one card turned upside down.
0:09:30 > 0:09:34Traditionally, leprechauns have the power to grant wishes.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37Personally, I wish he would just hurry up!
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Is it?
0:09:42 > 0:09:44Now that's romagic!
0:09:44 > 0:09:45I don't know how you did that.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48I mean, we have to go on a second date now, don't we?
0:09:48 > 0:09:51- We're obviously... It's meant to be. - How did you do that?
0:09:51 > 0:09:53Eat your two of hearts out, Dynamo!
0:09:53 > 0:09:56For a speed date, that is one of the best things to do, for sure.
0:09:56 > 0:09:58It was really good.
0:09:58 > 0:09:59I'm a bit of a film geek.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01Do you have a favourite film?
0:10:01 > 0:10:05Ooh, Citizen Kane? Vertigo? 2001: A Space Odyssey?
0:10:05 > 0:10:07The Waterboy.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09The Waterboy?! An Adam Sandler movie?!
0:10:09 > 0:10:12- Die Hard. Never watched that, either. - Have you not?- No.
0:10:12 > 0:10:14Romcom kind of person?
0:10:14 > 0:10:16My name is actually Bridget Jones.
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- No way, that is...- Yeah- ..amazing.
0:10:18 > 0:10:20- Come on, Mr Darcy.- Yeah.
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I could change my name by deed poll, it's fine.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25That would work for me. If you do that then,
0:10:25 > 0:10:28for sure, a second date is definitely going to happen.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I might have come on a bit strong saying that
0:10:31 > 0:10:34I'm going to change my name for her.
0:10:34 > 0:10:38So the alleged Hugh Grant lookalike is going to change his name to
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Mr Darcy to impress Bridget Jones.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Look, it's quite confusing, but I think it's gone well.
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Bridget?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47He is very easy to talk to. Yeah, a nice person.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49It did go well! I was right.
0:10:49 > 0:10:52But can Jake the hake do any better?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Nice to meet you.- Nice to meet you.
0:10:55 > 0:10:58I made this for you. Wrote it last night.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01- What is it?- It's a poem.- Oh, wow.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04A poem! Oh, you are witnessing top-end romancing skills.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Prepare to swoon.
0:11:06 > 0:11:09To My Sexy Beast Call me Jacob cos I'm a cracker
0:11:09 > 0:11:11If you need a lift any time I'll give you a backer
0:11:11 > 0:11:14So fancy going for some food Let us feast
0:11:14 > 0:11:16Cos after all I'm a Sexy Beast.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18- That is amazing.- There you go.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20- Thank you very much for that. - No problem.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22I have no words...apart from,
0:11:22 > 0:11:24what the hell was that?!
0:11:24 > 0:11:28The poem wasn't quite, you know, a Shakespeare piece.
0:11:28 > 0:11:30But I think it would've been weird
0:11:30 > 0:11:32if he gave me something very lovey-dovey.
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Very good. What was your name again?
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- Jake.- Jake. My name's actually Bridget Jones.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40- Is it?- Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42- Is that a joke, like, is it? - No, it's not.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- What? Your name is actually Bridget Jones?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46- Is it?- Yeah.- Right.
0:11:46 > 0:11:47I still don't believe her now
0:11:47 > 0:11:50that she's called Bridget Jones, cos of obviously the film.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52Obviously. Moving on...
0:11:52 > 0:11:53So another question...
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Probe his poetic, sensitive soul, Bridget.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00..if you could be any kind of cheese, what cheese would you be?
0:12:02 > 0:12:04Plain old, good old, Cheddar, cos everyone loves it.
0:12:04 > 0:12:07- Yeah.- Good, sturdy, old cheese, that's what I am.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09I think maybe I'd be like a Wensleydale,
0:12:09 > 0:12:11- even though I'm not from... - Would you?
0:12:11 > 0:12:14- Yeah. Just because...- Why? Do you crumble easy...under pressure?
0:12:14 > 0:12:17Yeah, I completely crumble under pressure.
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I love cheese jokes, me, like.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21Oh, brilliant, I love a cheese joke, me!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23- Do you do a lot of cheese jokes?- No. - No?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25I don't actually... I don't really know...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27I just like talking about cheese.
0:12:27 > 0:12:29Well, that's disappointing.
0:12:29 > 0:12:32It went well. She seems like a very nice girl.
0:12:32 > 0:12:33'I might have done enough.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35'Hopefully, I came across as a nice person.
0:12:35 > 0:12:37'There is a lot of things that I like about Cheddar cheese,
0:12:37 > 0:12:39'don't get me wrong.'
0:12:39 > 0:12:44But I think, for the moment, I'm not really looking for Cheddar cheese.
0:12:44 > 0:12:48Oh, somehow Jake's poetry and cheese combo has failed to impress.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51But has the fish done enough to prove that he's a catch?
0:12:51 > 0:12:54We're about to find out.
0:12:56 > 0:13:01It's time for one beasty boy to make like a tree and...
0:13:01 > 0:13:03get binned by Bridget Jones.
0:13:04 > 0:13:07Our lady garden has dated a leprechaun magician,
0:13:07 > 0:13:08a giant, Scouse dildo,
0:13:08 > 0:13:12and the greatest fish poet since Rudyard Kipper-ling.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Hello, boys.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16Morning.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18But who will be felled by the tree?
0:13:20 > 0:13:24Will Chris be swapping his crock of gold for a crock of shit?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28Will Matt Demon be ordering spider en croute for one?
0:13:28 > 0:13:31Or is dating laureate Jake going to have to think of a word
0:13:31 > 0:13:33that rhymes with "dumped"?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36This is Bridget Jones' quandary.
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Chris, I had a lovely time on our date.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46Maybe you're a little shy, a little reserved.
0:13:46 > 0:13:49But you had an amazing magic trick. I was very impressed.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54Hopefully, if you pick me,
0:13:54 > 0:13:56I can kind of come out my shell a bit more.
0:13:56 > 0:14:00Matty, maybe a little too much, maybe a little crude.
0:14:00 > 0:14:03But, as we got talking, you were so funny,
0:14:03 > 0:14:06and you just made me laugh, and it was really easy conversation.
0:14:06 > 0:14:08That's the way I am basically, yeah.
0:14:08 > 0:14:10You can tell you're a people person.
0:14:10 > 0:14:12Yeah, definitely, like, definitely.
0:14:12 > 0:14:18Jake, the conversation didn't flow quite as easily as it could.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21But I really liked your poem, you know, something straight from you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Cheers, much appreciated.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25I now have to make my choice.
0:14:26 > 0:14:30So the beast that I am binning is...
0:14:37 > 0:14:38..Jake.
0:14:38 > 0:14:42And it's fair thee well, Jakespeare. I'll miss his poems.
0:14:42 > 0:14:43That's totally fine.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46I think we knew that we were sort of on different wavelengths,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- as well, so I appreciate that. - It was really nice to meet you.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50Yeah, it was nice to meet you, too.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Jake, please use your talent with words to describe
0:14:53 > 0:14:55what's going through your head right now.
0:14:55 > 0:14:57I'd say out of the two guys left,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59probably it's the one with the ginger hair
0:14:59 > 0:15:01looks a bit more nerdy and probably will suit her,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03cos I think that's them type of thing.
0:15:03 > 0:15:06I think the other lad's common as muck like me, a Scouser.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09Beautiful sentiments. Keep your wobbly chin up,
0:15:09 > 0:15:11there are plenty more fish in the sea.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14Time now to reveal the man behind the mullet.
0:15:16 > 0:15:22# Don't push too far your dreams are china in your hand. #
0:15:22 > 0:15:24This fish is a dish!
0:15:24 > 0:15:27He looks much better without his tentacles flapping about.
0:15:27 > 0:15:31Oh, hello, look at you, Mr Body-building Champion
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Of The Northeast...under-21s.
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Now for everyone else to see what Bridget has missed out on.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Er...
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- You all right?- All right.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44You don't look how I expected you to look.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46I would hope not, like.
0:15:46 > 0:15:49I think you do look a little bit like the sixth member of a boy band.
0:15:49 > 0:15:50- Do I?- Yeah.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52'Yeah, he's...he's attractive,'
0:15:52 > 0:15:54but ultimately I've made the right decision,
0:15:54 > 0:15:58and I'm definitely looking forward to my other dates.
0:15:58 > 0:16:02Yes, indeed. Bridget will date the leprechaun and the demon once more
0:16:02 > 0:16:04before choosing her sexy beast.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06It is all to play for.
0:16:06 > 0:16:07It is all to play for.
0:16:07 > 0:16:08I just said that, didn't I?
0:16:12 > 0:16:15So where does a piece of frisky foliage take a mythical being
0:16:15 > 0:16:16on a date?
0:16:16 > 0:16:20To the romantic idyll of a 1970s shopping precinct of course.
0:16:20 > 0:16:22THEY LAUGH
0:16:22 > 0:16:23What are they doing?
0:16:23 > 0:16:24I'm glad you asked.
0:16:24 > 0:16:28Bridget Jones and the leprechaun who might look a bit like Hugh Grant
0:16:28 > 0:16:31are about to make love, and by love I mean pizza.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35He's got a massive, bulbous nose, hasn't he, as well?
0:16:35 > 0:16:39It's only their second date so why are they wearing protection?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42Where's she going with that? Watch yourself, Chris, watch it!
0:16:42 > 0:16:45Stretch out that base, try not to rip it.
0:16:45 > 0:16:46After a detailed masterclass,
0:16:46 > 0:16:49the beasts are ready for some hardcore pizza-making action.
0:16:49 > 0:16:51- Right.- Where do we start? OK. - I think...
0:16:51 > 0:16:53I've completely forgot everything.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55No, I don't think we... Are we supposed to roll first?
0:16:55 > 0:16:59Oh, never mind, Chris, just take your aggression out on the dough!
0:16:59 > 0:17:01You stole my lucky charms!
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Brace yourself, viewers, you know what's coming next,
0:17:05 > 0:17:07we've all seen Saturday Kitchen.
0:17:07 > 0:17:11It's time for the chucking the dough in the air to jaunty music bit.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14JAUNTY MUSIC
0:17:16 > 0:17:19- Oh, nice, yeah.- Oh, yes! - That's better than me.
0:17:19 > 0:17:21I think we can all agree that was very enjoyable.
0:17:21 > 0:17:24I think she's great. I think Bridget's great.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27She's a lot to easier to get on with than I originally thought.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29What would you name your pizza?
0:17:29 > 0:17:34Erm...flavour mountain, cos it looks like a mountain.
0:17:34 > 0:17:35Yeah, nice.
0:17:35 > 0:17:36No, it doesn't.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39I was going to call mine by an actual name,
0:17:39 > 0:17:42like Michael The Mozzarella...
0:17:42 > 0:17:45Mess? So, Bridget... Oh, that's, that's right, love,
0:17:45 > 0:17:46you have a drink.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49What's the best thing about this date?
0:17:49 > 0:17:51It's quite nice wine, actually.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53OK. Ha... Anyone for pizza?
0:17:53 > 0:17:55- Oh, my God.- And your pizzas for you.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- Oh, thank you.- You're very welcome.
0:17:57 > 0:17:59BOTH: Wow.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Mine is like a giant like...- Quiche?
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Well, yeah! Oh, my God, it does look like a giant quiche.
0:18:04 > 0:18:07So how does one make a traditional Irish lepre-quiche?
0:18:09 > 0:18:13- SULTRY VOICE:- Tantalising tomato sauce, splodged.
0:18:13 > 0:18:17Cheese, grated by a grater.
0:18:17 > 0:18:21A ridiculous botched attempt to make a stuffed crust.
0:18:21 > 0:18:25Sensual sweetcorn, perky pepperoni, and a mushroom.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29This isn't any pizza quiche,
0:18:29 > 0:18:32this is an impenetrable pizza quiche.
0:18:32 > 0:18:34It's not cutting!
0:18:34 > 0:18:35Mine even cuts itself.
0:18:35 > 0:18:36Oh, my God!
0:18:36 > 0:18:38Oh and he's in!
0:18:38 > 0:18:40It's going to... Cheese is going to get stuck in my beard.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44Niche food-porn lovers of world, enjoy.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47I think you might have gone with too much cheese.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- Do you know this is, actually, apparently, human hair?- Really?
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Like, real human hair. How creepy is that?
0:18:52 > 0:18:55Some poor ginger kid is like walking around bald now...
0:18:55 > 0:18:56- Oh, gosh.- ..just so I can wear this.
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Sexy Beasts would like to thank Ed Sheeran's genitals
0:18:59 > 0:19:01for their generous donation.
0:19:01 > 0:19:06Yeah, I mentioned that I had human hair in my beard.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09I wouldn't say it was a chat-up line I'd usually use.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11I think that might have been a bit creepy.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:19:12 > 0:19:15- What is "cheers" in Essex? - Cheers, I think.
0:19:15 > 0:19:20Well, in my expert opinion, this has been a grade-A date, am I right?
0:19:20 > 0:19:21Yeah, the date went pretty well.
0:19:21 > 0:19:25It was far less awkward than the first date.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I preferred the speed date with Chris, yeah.
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- Oh...- I've got things to think about, definitely.
0:19:30 > 0:19:31And another date to go on!
0:19:31 > 0:19:34So Bridget's already looking ahead to date number two.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Hard luck, Chris.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Now, show us what you've got Matt Demon.
0:19:39 > 0:19:44# Under the sea Under the sea
0:19:44 > 0:19:46# Darling it's better Down where it's wetter
0:19:46 > 0:19:48# Take it from me. #
0:19:48 > 0:19:51On her second date, Bridget Jones is quite literally caught
0:19:51 > 0:19:54between the devil and the deep, blue sea.
0:19:54 > 0:19:56But in a romantic way.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02Oh, look, it's Jake!
0:20:02 > 0:20:05At least I can say I've been on a date with Bridget Jones, anyway,
0:20:05 > 0:20:08that's...that's something to tell the kids.
0:20:08 > 0:20:10I haven't got kids, like, but you know what I mean.
0:20:10 > 0:20:14Ah, the sound of a floundering Scouser and the smell of fish.
0:20:14 > 0:20:17What a perfect place to fall in love. And what's this?
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Ooh, Matty and Bridget have found a private space
0:20:19 > 0:20:21to feed the turtle together.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24No, that isn't a trendy new euphemism.
0:20:24 > 0:20:26So, have you ever fed a turtle before?
0:20:26 > 0:20:28I can't say that I have.
0:20:28 > 0:20:31I like turtles, I like the way they're just chilled out.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Riding the waves.- They just get on with everything, don't they?
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Yeah.- You never see a turtle causing any beef in the ocean, do you?
0:20:37 > 0:20:39That's it.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40I think my chances are pretty, pretty good,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42and I think, you know, I've adapted to the date
0:20:42 > 0:20:46and I've kept the crude jokes, I'd say, to me...to meself today.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48I'm enjoying it, definitely.
0:20:48 > 0:20:51Yeah, I'd say he's been more of a gentleman today, for sure.
0:20:51 > 0:20:56Ooh, so biting his forked tongue is paying off for Matty.
0:20:56 > 0:21:00Will coffee and cake prove to be the food, and hot beverage, of love?
0:21:05 > 0:21:07See, I'm not sure about coffee. Like, I like lattes,
0:21:07 > 0:21:10but when you get, like, the milk bit is quite...
0:21:10 > 0:21:12- You've got it on your nose. - Have I? Yeah? I can't feel it.
0:21:12 > 0:21:14- Can't you really?- Oh, no.
0:21:14 > 0:21:17But with the milk it's quite like not hot so you...
0:21:17 > 0:21:20you trust yourself and then, bang, scalded tongue. Ruins your day.
0:21:20 > 0:21:22- Yeah.- Did you enjoy that before anyway with the fish and that?
0:21:22 > 0:21:23Yeah, I really liked it.
0:21:23 > 0:21:26- Ever been stung by a jellyfish before? Anything like that?- No, no.
0:21:26 > 0:21:30- Have you?- Yeah, funnily enough, I was with me mate and we'd both
0:21:30 > 0:21:33jumped in and he's come up and he's said, "I've been...I've been stung".
0:21:33 > 0:21:35And, obviously, I know that you've got to wee on...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37And he was like, "Well, I don't need a wee."
0:21:37 > 0:21:40So I went, "I'll be the friend I am..."
0:21:40 > 0:21:44- Pissed all over him, basically, yeah.- Wow. Nice.
0:21:44 > 0:21:47I was thinking whether to say "urinate" or anything like that.
0:21:47 > 0:21:49You know, "I urined on someone".
0:21:49 > 0:21:52But, you know, I went for the "piss", and she took it well.
0:21:52 > 0:21:53God bless her.
0:21:53 > 0:21:56- I think you're a true friend.- I think, yeah, that takes a lot, that.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58- I would do it for my friend. - Would you?- Well, yeah.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00- That's very noble of you.- Yeah.
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Bit of science for you, urine has no effect on jellyfish stings.
0:22:03 > 0:22:07Ha! Imagine being wee'd on by Matty for no good reason.
0:22:07 > 0:22:08Actually, don't.
0:22:08 > 0:22:11I honestly, like, probably one of the best dates I've been on, yeah.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14I'd say, a solid ten because I just enjoyed everything about it, really.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16It's been a good laugh.
0:22:16 > 0:22:17So when I see him without the mask,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19I think I'll probably feel the same as I do now.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21Oh, which is?
0:22:21 > 0:22:22I'm not too sure.
0:22:22 > 0:22:24Oh.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27In every Bridget Jones film, there's a bit where
0:22:27 > 0:22:29she has to choose between two hunks.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31We're now at that exact bit.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34Except for Bridget is a tree, and the two hunks are hideous.
0:22:36 > 0:22:37Will it be Chris?
0:22:37 > 0:22:39His magic hands left Bridget gushing,
0:22:39 > 0:22:44but despite his 12-inch meat feast, Chris's second date didn't impress.
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Or will it be Matty?
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Together, they fed the turtle and enjoyed a romantic chat
0:22:49 > 0:22:51about weeing on your friends.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54But is this demon just too crass for our leafy lass?
0:22:55 > 0:22:58Once we have a winner, the masks are coming off.
0:22:58 > 0:23:02Bridget Jones, the hedge of reason, it's over to you.
0:23:05 > 0:23:07Hello again, boys.
0:23:08 > 0:23:09- Hi.- Bonjour.- Nice to see you.
0:23:09 > 0:23:13So, first, I'm going to start with Chris.
0:23:13 > 0:23:17Thanks very much for the pizza or should we say the "quiche"?
0:23:18 > 0:23:23I did however feel like there was maybe less of a spark
0:23:23 > 0:23:25than the speed date.
0:23:25 > 0:23:30I...I wouldn't say there wasn't a spark. But I...
0:23:30 > 0:23:31I enjoyed it.
0:23:31 > 0:23:32Thank you.
0:23:32 > 0:23:38And, Matty, I really loved the fact that you are so funny
0:23:38 > 0:23:41and you've got a lot of stories to tell -
0:23:41 > 0:23:45really quite enjoyed the one about the jellyfish, that was really nice.
0:23:45 > 0:23:48It was a good date. I enjoyed everything about it.
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Thanks.
0:23:49 > 0:23:53So, I have made my choice.
0:23:55 > 0:23:57My sexy beast is...
0:23:57 > 0:23:59Chris or Matty?
0:23:59 > 0:24:02The red head or the...redhead?
0:24:02 > 0:24:04Which one of them will be getting wood tonight?
0:24:06 > 0:24:07..Chris.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11And Irish eyes are smiling and the demon's eyes are blazing with rage.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Good one, mate.
0:24:13 > 0:24:15Oh, that's good to see.
0:24:15 > 0:24:17Runner-up, that's better than coming last.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20Feeling pretty happy, yeah. Surprised to say the least.
0:24:20 > 0:24:23We'll see what our happy couple really look like shortly.
0:24:23 > 0:24:26But, first, a bucket-load of red paint transformed
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Matty into a sunburnt novelty condom.
0:24:29 > 0:24:33But this is what he looks like underneath.
0:24:33 > 0:24:37# If I could turn back time
0:24:37 > 0:24:40# If I could find a way. #
0:24:40 > 0:24:42He looks nothing like a dildo,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44and his real ears are in the correct place -
0:24:44 > 0:24:47altogether much less evil.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51Will Bridget regret her decision? She's about to find out.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53And although Matty will see the real Bridget,
0:24:53 > 0:24:55we will have to wait a little longer.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00- All right, squire. It's a bit weird without the mask, isn't it?- Yeah.
0:25:00 > 0:25:01It's all too real.
0:25:01 > 0:25:04You've got time to do your hair, as well, that's a plus.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06- And you've done yours.- I have,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08- it took me a while.- You've grown it. - It took me all night.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10She was a stunner, she was a solid nine.
0:25:10 > 0:25:12I'd give her the full MOT, not a problem at all.
0:25:12 > 0:25:14How lovely(!)
0:25:14 > 0:25:18So litres of latex and charming ginger pubes transformed
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Chris into a magical leprechaun.
0:25:20 > 0:25:25But is Hugh Grant really lurking beneath that bulbous nose?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28# I feel it in my fingers
0:25:28 > 0:25:32# I feel it in my toes. #
0:25:32 > 0:25:34He's the spitting image of Hugh Grant...
0:25:35 > 0:25:39..if you squint or close your eyes...
0:25:39 > 0:25:41and...and think of Hugh Grant.
0:25:41 > 0:25:43But he's still a very handsome chap.
0:25:43 > 0:25:46This is the Bridget Jones we know and love.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50An elegant, mossy, bearded, green, gnarly, old, tree.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53But THIS is what's beneath the bark.
0:25:54 > 0:25:59# I'll take you just the way you are. #
0:26:01 > 0:26:05Wowza! Miss Jones, she's a beauty.
0:26:05 > 0:26:09We like you just as you are. But will Chris?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12What will they think when the curtain comes down?
0:26:12 > 0:26:16# I've never felt this way. #
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- Ah!- Oh, my God.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22- Hey, how are you?- Hey, I'm good.
0:26:22 > 0:26:25- Good. I'll give you... Come and give you a hug.- Yeah. Come on.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27Just going to... I'll step over.
0:26:27 > 0:26:29- It's nice to meet you properly. - Yeah.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32I instantly thought, "Wow! She's actually quite pretty."
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Yeah, I think he's attractive. Yeah, I'm happy with my decision.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41So Bridget Jones found her Hugh Grant-a-like.
0:26:41 > 0:26:45But do we have a Hollywood-style happy ending?
0:26:45 > 0:26:48It's been up there with the other two Bridget Jones films.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50In fact it's probably been a bit better,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53because it had a spider-eating demon in it.
0:26:53 > 0:26:56But to prove that our Bridget and Chris have found true love,
0:26:56 > 0:26:57they have to reunite here,
0:26:57 > 0:27:01over champagne and some magnificent candle holders.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04All they have to do is turn up.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08And Chris is here.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11But has Bridget dumped him to run off with a Colin Firth lookalike?
0:27:18 > 0:27:19No, she's here!
0:27:22 > 0:27:24Ah!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- I'm very relieved. - I wasn't sure if you'd come.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- Nice to see you.- Nice to see you. - Come down.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32THEY CHEER
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Good work. Good work.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36Oh, it's real, actual, true love.
0:27:36 > 0:27:38Oh, I do like it when that happens.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40- Anyway, cheers.- Cheers.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# We can build this dream together
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# Standing strong for ever... #
0:27:46 > 0:27:49Mmm...warm.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52You'll get what you're given, fusspot.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55So Bridget Jones had just one wish
0:27:55 > 0:27:59To find love with a leprechaun, demon, or fish
0:27:59 > 0:28:03Jake was a poet With cheese as his muse
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Matty talked wee-wees To try and amuse
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Chris was delighted, Her heart he was winning
0:28:09 > 0:28:12Is this the end? No, it's just the beginning.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17# I'd better knock
0:28:17 > 0:28:19# Knock
0:28:19 > 0:28:20# On wood
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# Baby
0:28:23 > 0:28:25# I'd better knock
0:28:25 > 0:28:26# Knock
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Oh, yeah
0:28:31 > 0:28:33# Think I'd better knock
0:28:33 > 0:28:34# Knock, knock
0:28:34 > 0:28:36# On wood
0:28:36 > 0:28:38# Think I'd better knock
0:28:38 > 0:28:39# Knock, knock
0:28:39 > 0:28:40# On wood
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# Think I'd better knock
0:28:42 > 0:28:44# Knock, knock... #