0:00:02 > 0:00:04In a world where attraction is mostly based on looks,
0:00:04 > 0:00:08what would happen if you had to rely solely on your personality?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Well, thanks to some fantastically freakish face work...
0:00:10 > 0:00:12You look disgusting.
0:00:14 > 0:00:15..we're going to find out.
0:00:15 > 0:00:17It's terrifying.
0:00:17 > 0:00:22Will true love blossom when what you see is definitely not what you get?
0:00:22 > 0:00:24This is Sexy Beasts!
0:00:24 > 0:00:26# I'm bring sexy back
0:00:26 > 0:00:28# Yeah, ooh-ooh! #
0:00:28 > 0:00:31'I have a little dog, a little Chihuahua, he's called Winston.
0:00:31 > 0:00:34'He has a pirate costume. He has a magician.'
0:00:34 > 0:00:38He hates being dressed up, but he's a small dog. He's got to.
0:00:38 > 0:00:40# Love cats... #
0:00:40 > 0:00:43Meet child carer worker and dog dominatrix Jade,
0:00:43 > 0:00:47who knows exactly what she wants in a pet, and in a man.
0:00:47 > 0:00:49'They've got to be taller than me but that's not hard,'
0:00:49 > 0:00:53and I'm not exactly stick thin so I ask them to weigh more than me.
0:00:53 > 0:00:57And maybe a sexy pirate costume, whether he likes it or not.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Three hours of make-up have turned Jade into a ginormous cat.
0:01:00 > 0:01:02That's not her real face.
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Time for her friend, Natalie, to take her first look.
0:01:05 > 0:01:06Oh, my God!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09- What do you think? - Oh, God. It's weird.
0:01:09 > 0:01:11You're a pussy.
0:01:11 > 0:01:12And, there we are!
0:01:12 > 0:01:15We got through a whole minute without saying that word.
0:01:15 > 0:01:16Thank you, Natalie.
0:01:16 > 0:01:19Jade's love life at the minute is a big fat fail.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Good. If it wasn't, this would be a massive waste of time.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Couldn't have put it any more clearer than that to be fair.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25A big capital "F".
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Fear not, Jade. Today, "F" stands for "fella",
0:01:30 > 0:01:33and we have three of them who are all up for a bit of kitty.
0:01:33 > 0:01:35Here's beast number one.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38'With girls I tend to get on with them.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41'When it starts getting serious I seem to just fade away'
0:01:41 > 0:01:43and just move on.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46'I'm making myself sound like I'm some sort of player.'
0:01:46 > 0:01:47I'm not a player, but I, I...
0:01:47 > 0:01:49a lot of people would say that...
0:01:51 > 0:01:52I am a player.
0:01:53 > 0:01:57Meet confused, swollen, blue-headed alien player, but-not-player,
0:01:57 > 0:02:01John, a fitness student and pocket dancing dynamo from Brighton.
0:02:01 > 0:02:04I've been, like, break dancing for six years.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06It does impress some of the girls.
0:02:06 > 0:02:08Once I did a head spin just on concrete.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09Oh, we've all done it!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12Actually, we haven't, because it's stupid, John!
0:02:12 > 0:02:15I've got a thick set of hair, so just... just lost a little bit.
0:02:15 > 0:02:18So he's possibly slightly bald, too. What a catch!
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Tell us more, best friend, Harry.
0:02:22 > 0:02:25- As long as he doesn't say anything stupid...- Yeah.
0:02:25 > 0:02:28..which is quite likely he will, then he'll do all right.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31But the girl might think that being stupid's quite funny.
0:02:31 > 0:02:32HE LAUGHS
0:02:32 > 0:02:34Then again, she might not.
0:02:34 > 0:02:36Let's leave John dancing in his own little world
0:02:36 > 0:02:40while we meet our next beast, who's a real swine.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42I do get good-looking girlfriends.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Even my family have said,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46"I don't know how Chris gets all these gorgeous girls",
0:02:46 > 0:02:48but I guess I'm just lucky.
0:02:48 > 0:02:49# Do the pig. Do the pig... #
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Meet computer technician, Chris.
0:02:53 > 0:02:57Like many men, his ideal lady is a heady mix of fruit
0:02:57 > 0:02:58and mindless killing.
0:02:58 > 0:03:03Girls I prefer... kind of petite, friendly kind,
0:03:03 > 0:03:04IQ higher than a grape
0:03:04 > 0:03:09and if she loves Resident Evil I will marry her on the spot.
0:03:09 > 0:03:13I tick all four of those boxes, but sadly I have a wife.
0:03:13 > 0:03:15Shame, but best friend Barsha believes in him.
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Oh, my God!
0:03:17 > 0:03:18SHE LAUGHS
0:03:18 > 0:03:22God, what are you? He doesn't look like Chris at all.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24Really weird looking guy, no,
0:03:24 > 0:03:28but his great personality would come over his piggy-piggy face.
0:03:28 > 0:03:33Well, she's a "no... snout", sorry, as to Chris' dating powers,
0:03:33 > 0:03:36but will he outdo our third and final Lothario?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40I'm definitely a bum over boobs man, definitely.
0:03:40 > 0:03:43I love like a nectarine, like an extra peachy bum.
0:03:43 > 0:03:45I'm a fan of boobs, don't get me wrong.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48Love seeing a nice pair of boobs at the end of the day.
0:03:49 > 0:03:51Meet vampire lad, Mike.
0:03:51 > 0:03:55He's recently single and facing a veritable boob drought.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57I just lost my confidence a bit.
0:03:57 > 0:03:59I've been speaking to girls and then I'll be like "er",
0:03:59 > 0:04:02then have a little brain fart and I'll just be,
0:04:02 > 0:04:03"Oh, all right, then. Ruined that!"
0:04:03 > 0:04:06Better than an actual fart at the wrong time, Mike,
0:04:06 > 0:04:07or worse still, a shart.
0:04:09 > 0:04:13His massive friend, Ben, has every confidence in him, though.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14What's going on?
0:04:14 > 0:04:17Yes. It looks pretty like you normally look anyway, mate.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19Yeah, but still better looking than you.
0:04:19 > 0:04:23He'll cope. He'll just make the girl laugh, the way he does.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26He'll smash it, definitely. His personality, his good looks.
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- You've got to realise they can't see me, bro.- I know.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30My nose is flopping over my lip!
0:04:30 > 0:04:32- Doesn't matter, it's just the way you are, trust me.- Cheers, man.
0:04:32 > 0:04:34You will. You'll smash it.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37All right, Ben. He's here to date Jade not you, huh!
0:04:39 > 0:04:41These are our ghastly guys,
0:04:41 > 0:04:45but only one will be getting pussy... cat tonight.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48Remember the masks don't come off until the dating is done,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51so they're relying on personality alone.
0:04:52 > 0:04:55Each beast gets a ten-minute speed date to impress Jade,
0:04:55 > 0:04:59before one becomes the first bloke ever to be dumped by a cat,
0:04:59 > 0:05:02outside of certain southern states of America.
0:05:02 > 0:05:04# I'm bringing sexy back
0:05:04 > 0:05:06# Yeah, ooh-ooh!
0:05:06 > 0:05:07# You ready? #
0:05:11 > 0:05:13There she is, on the prowl,
0:05:13 > 0:05:16like a weird outtake from The Secret Life Of Cats.
0:05:17 > 0:05:20First to say, "Hello, Kitty", it's space cadet John.
0:05:20 > 0:05:22Are you all right?
0:05:22 > 0:05:25- Yeah. I've got you some flowers. - Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27- I'm Jade. - I'm John. Nice to meet you.
0:05:27 > 0:05:29Oh, yeah? That's my brother's and my dad's name.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31- Awkward! - So, why'd you buy me flowers?
0:05:31 > 0:05:33Yeah, I grew them myself.
0:05:34 > 0:05:35That's joking. I'm joking.
0:05:35 > 0:05:38- Do you like cats? - I love cats. OK.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41Do you like aliens? Are you a fan of aliens or...?
0:05:41 > 0:05:43- I can't say I am.- No?
0:05:43 > 0:05:46Yeah, I do a bit of dancing a well. Do you do anything like that?
0:05:46 > 0:05:48I don't. Only when I'm drunk and it's terrible.
0:05:48 > 0:05:51I should have really asked him what dance he could do because if he's
0:05:51 > 0:05:55going to be a ballet dancer then that's a bit more feminine than what I am.
0:05:55 > 0:05:57I can't wait to go travelling as well.
0:05:57 > 0:05:59Good. You've been many places yet?
0:05:59 > 0:06:02No. Where's the best place to go?
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Rome's a good one. - Really?
0:06:04 > 0:06:06Rome sounds good. It's quite romantic.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08I think of like the boats that the couples go on,
0:06:08 > 0:06:11like along the little rivers.
0:06:11 > 0:06:15Yeah, well. I mean, that's Venice John, but you're close. Sort of.
0:06:15 > 0:06:19So, one more question, just the last one - which one came first?
0:06:19 > 0:06:21The chicken or the egg?
0:06:21 > 0:06:23Oh, it's got to be the chicken. It's got to be the chicken.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Where did the chicken come from?
0:06:25 > 0:06:27It's got to have come from an egg, hasn't it?
0:06:28 > 0:06:32John's mind has just blown.
0:06:32 > 0:06:34No, the chicken had to make the egg.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I think I'm going to go with the egg.
0:06:36 > 0:06:37I'd normally for egg.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39I think it was the nerves made me say chicken.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40It's just the easier option.
0:06:40 > 0:06:41OK!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44I think we had a lot of common ground, to be fair.
0:06:44 > 0:06:45It was, it was a really good date.
0:06:45 > 0:06:48Overall, a good speed date there for mini-mind.
0:06:50 > 0:06:52Next in, it's Count Mikula-ha-ha!
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Oh, my... Oh, my God!
0:06:55 > 0:06:57I didn't even notice you there.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01Yes, Mike, we'd all have just walked past the massive cat in the bar.
0:07:01 > 0:07:04- Sorry, what's your name?- My name's Jade.- Nice to meet you. Mike.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07- I can't believe you nearly walked past me.- I know, I'm sorry.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08I was looking for a normal person
0:07:08 > 0:07:11and then just seeing you dressed up as a cat, I was like,
0:07:11 > 0:07:13"Yes! Selling!" You know what I mean? I'm so sorry.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16Oh, my God! He put me at ease right away.
0:07:16 > 0:07:19He was, he was in your face but he was a good in your face.
0:07:19 > 0:07:20He was so confident.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23He was... That was a fresh of breath air, yeah.
0:07:23 > 0:07:25And who doesn't love a fresh of breath air?
0:07:25 > 0:07:28So, can I feel your ear cos that looks like...?
0:07:28 > 0:07:29Don't feel it.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31I tell you what, have a honk on my nose.
0:07:31 > 0:07:32Nice.
0:07:32 > 0:07:35Do you know what I mean? Honk if you're horny, baby.
0:07:35 > 0:07:36She honked at the end of the day.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39I all I needed was a honk, and it's game on.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41So, is that your real hair?
0:07:41 > 0:07:43Erm, well, my Miyagi piece is real.
0:07:43 > 0:07:46- I was hoping that was real, yeah. - The rest is fake, I'm sorry.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I'm so digging that you can plait it and everything.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51I know, I thought... do you know what I mean? Just natural.
0:07:51 > 0:07:54- That's what I want to be to you. - No, there's a nice little curl to it.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56I do get the GHDs on it every so often.
0:07:58 > 0:08:00Is this doing it for you? Yeah?
0:08:00 > 0:08:03I'm like Ron Jeremy, but then I'm the vampire version.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05- Do you know who he is? - No.
0:08:05 > 0:08:07He is a man, mate, honestly.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Ron Jeremy, I have no idea who it is.
0:08:11 > 0:08:14This is a public service announcement for anyone like Jade
0:08:14 > 0:08:18who doesn't know that this is Ron Jeremy.
0:08:18 > 0:08:22He's a 61-year-old porn star, also known as The Hedgehog.
0:08:22 > 0:08:24I won't go into details.
0:08:24 > 0:08:26As you can see, he's the spitting image of Mike
0:08:26 > 0:08:29and they both clearly have the horn.
0:08:29 > 0:08:31Ron Jeremy is one of my favourite actors.
0:08:31 > 0:08:32Just leave it at that.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35Probably wise. So, what did Jade think?
0:08:35 > 0:08:38I spent more time with my head rolled back bloody giggling.
0:08:38 > 0:08:41I'm intrigued in what he looks like. See if he goes with the...
0:08:41 > 0:08:42the boyish personality.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45I'm glad I made her laugh and she didn't just steak and kidney pie me
0:08:45 > 0:08:47straight in the face.
0:08:47 > 0:08:50Oo-oh! Has vampire Ron Jeremy got our kitten smitten?
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Or will he be out-romanced by a pig?
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Wow! So, I'm Jade.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- I'm Chris. Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01I was hoping you were a wolf
0:09:01 > 0:09:03so I could say you could blow my house down,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05but it's OK, you can curl up in my lap and purr.
0:09:05 > 0:09:06SHE GIGGLES
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Bit of a cringe moment for me because I'm a big girl,
0:09:09 > 0:09:10he's a small guy.
0:09:10 > 0:09:14For me to try and curl up in his lap would be a big disaster.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17Oh, not the best of starts. Make it less weird, Chris.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20- Oddly enough, you look like my cat, Kilo.- Oh, really?- Yeah.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22No, that's more weird.
0:09:22 > 0:09:23What hobbies do you like?
0:09:23 > 0:09:27The gym and drinking and... in moderation, obviously.
0:09:27 > 0:09:28I can never understand the people who go out
0:09:28 > 0:09:30and get hammered every single night.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32I wouldn't object to it, it's just the hangovers.
0:09:32 > 0:09:35I got that out of my system when I was younger.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38- Oh, God, you do sound like an old man, don't you?- Oh, thanks!
0:09:38 > 0:09:42This might have gone better if he'd just behaved like an actual pig
0:09:42 > 0:09:45and snuffled in his own faeces for ten minutes.
0:09:45 > 0:09:49If you enlarge any part of your body, what would you choose and why?
0:09:49 > 0:09:50That would be my brain.
0:09:50 > 0:09:53Your brain? Oh! I didn't even think about that one.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57He did impress me because it's not an answer you'd expect from a guy.
0:09:57 > 0:09:59That's more like it!
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I can't really stand those people who talk online,
0:10:01 > 0:10:03who don't really know anything
0:10:03 > 0:10:06and I'm just like, "I want to beat you to death with a dictionary."
0:10:06 > 0:10:08- And that's terrible.- I think that went quite well, to be honest.
0:10:08 > 0:10:10Really?
0:10:10 > 0:10:13Conversation lacked a bit of flowing, but I think we got there in the end.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16We found some common ground somewhere.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19So with that slightly murder-y end, the speed dates are done.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Time to get your claws out, Jade!
0:10:25 > 0:10:26You all right, guys?
0:10:26 > 0:10:29Our cat has courted an immortal Welshman,
0:10:29 > 0:10:33the future innards of a sausage, and a dancing space smurf.
0:10:33 > 0:10:36But one of them is about to be dumped in love's litter tray.
0:10:39 > 0:10:43Will Mike's beard be the only thing that gets a stroking tonight?
0:10:43 > 0:10:45Is the piggy in the middle Chris about to go,
0:10:45 > 0:10:48"Wee, wee, wee, wee all the way home?"
0:10:48 > 0:10:52Or will John be sailing solo along the romantic canals of...
0:10:52 > 0:10:54well, Rome?
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Over to you, love cat!
0:10:56 > 0:11:00Thank you for three really good dates. It's been an experience.
0:11:00 > 0:11:05Right. Mike we had a ball. We had a lot in common.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08- You made me giggle so much. - Yeah.- It was a really good laugh
0:11:08 > 0:11:11but I think, maybe you might be a bit full-on at some point.
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Fair enough, fair enough.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15You all right, Chris.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Well, I think your morals are all right, it's really good,
0:11:19 > 0:11:23but then I also think that you're actually quite old for your age,
0:11:23 > 0:11:25- so I think that might be your downfall.- I understand that.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29John, we had lots in common. We had so much to talk about.
0:11:29 > 0:11:32Your downfall, I think you is quite naive.
0:11:32 > 0:11:35You've still got quite a lot to experience and everything.
0:11:35 > 0:11:37Yeah, definitely.
0:11:37 > 0:11:38So the beast that I'm binning is...
0:11:46 > 0:11:48I'm sorry but it's Chris.
0:11:48 > 0:11:50And pulled pork is off the menu!
0:11:52 > 0:11:56- I'm sorry.- That's fine. I enjoyed our date, it was nice to meet you.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- Oh, thank you. Sorry.- That's fine.
0:11:59 > 0:12:01- It's not fine.- Well done.
0:12:01 > 0:12:04I'm not that bothered about being the first out, to be honest.
0:12:04 > 0:12:05I wasn't really feeling it.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08At the end of the day I just think it's her loss
0:12:08 > 0:12:09because I'm quite a catch.
0:12:09 > 0:12:13So Chris seems confident that Jade has made the wrong decision.
0:12:13 > 0:12:16But before he flounces back to the farm, it's time to reveal
0:12:16 > 0:12:18if this pig is really a babe.
0:12:19 > 0:12:21OMGoth!
0:12:21 > 0:12:23# Here I go again on my own
0:12:26 > 0:12:29- # Going down the only road...- #
0:12:29 > 0:12:31This little piggy's off to a mosh pit.
0:12:31 > 0:12:35Now, for everyone else to see what the pig was packing.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Bloody hell. That has surprised me.
0:12:42 > 0:12:44You hid that very well.
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- You've got so much hair, it's crazy. - I'm very, very proud of my hair.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Sick trousers, sick vest, mate. I like it. It's cool.
0:12:49 > 0:12:52You pulled it off really well, fair play to you. Fair play.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Thanks. I do try.
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Wow. That is all I have to say. Nothing like I expected him at all.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I don't regret binning him, simply because, personality wise,
0:13:02 > 0:13:05we just didn't click, but I was surprisingly impressed.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08So, where are we at?
0:13:08 > 0:13:12Jade has kept not so mega mind and dracu-lad and will now go
0:13:12 > 0:13:16out on a proper date with them, before choosing her sexy beast.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17The game is on!
0:13:23 > 0:13:26There's nothing more guaranteed to make a cat go weak at the knees
0:13:26 > 0:13:30than being serenaded by a little blue man playing the bagpipes.
0:13:30 > 0:13:33At least that's what John's hoping.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Yes, the alien and the cat are about to make sweet music
0:13:36 > 0:13:38together in Glasgow.
0:13:38 > 0:13:41Thank you. So, do you know what this is?
0:13:41 > 0:13:44Yeah, but I've forgotten what it's called.
0:13:44 > 0:13:47You've forgotten what it's called? OK. Well, this is a bagpipe.
0:13:47 > 0:13:48- Would you like to try?- Yeah.
0:13:48 > 0:13:51You just blow into that. You need to blow really hard.
0:13:51 > 0:13:54OK, keep blowing and then bring this hand down here.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58OK, are you ready to pass out yet?
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Er, how's anyone going to know if he's gone blue in the face?
0:14:02 > 0:14:04Yeah, OK. Thanks.
0:14:04 > 0:14:05I sort of felt like I was going to pass out,
0:14:05 > 0:14:08but I think I played the bagpipe quite well,
0:14:08 > 0:14:11so I think I impressed her with my little grooviness.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13Right, yeah. There we are.
0:14:16 > 0:14:19Good. OK, that's not bad. That's not bad.
0:14:19 > 0:14:20It is bad.
0:14:22 > 0:14:23Excellent.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26My usual dates are nothing like what's just happened.
0:14:26 > 0:14:28Bagpipe playing, where do people find that?
0:14:28 > 0:14:33Scotland love, Scotland! Now forget rap and forget break dancing.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37All the cool cats these days are into bagpipe battles.
0:14:37 > 0:14:39Sit back and enjoy, Britain!
0:14:41 > 0:14:45You can't beat that. Let's see what you got.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49I think they're getting the hang of it now.
0:14:49 > 0:14:54Look, you're killing my culture. You're shaming my nation!
0:14:54 > 0:14:58Stop, for the love of God! Stop! Please stop!
0:14:58 > 0:15:00I'll pay you to stop!
0:15:00 > 0:15:03As awesome as I think I am, I don't think it's my forte.
0:15:03 > 0:15:05It's a lot harder than it looks and I'm quite competitive,
0:15:05 > 0:15:10so for me to actually suck at it, it was kind of a bit bad.
0:15:10 > 0:15:13Best thing about that experience was seeing someone in a kilt.
0:15:13 > 0:15:16I like kilts. I like the pattern but I've forgotten
0:15:16 > 0:15:18what the pattern's called.
0:15:18 > 0:15:22A touching knowledge of Scottish history and culture from John.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24With that blue face, he's practically Braveheart,
0:15:24 > 0:15:27so he should really enjoy some whisky tasting.
0:15:27 > 0:15:29Have you tried whisky before?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31I love whisky.
0:15:31 > 0:15:35Ah, whisky, the nectar and lifeblood of my ancestors.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40Best sipped and savoured slowly and lovingly.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- Yeah or that.- That's nice.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44I was expecting to swish it around my mouth,
0:15:44 > 0:15:47give it a good smell and apparently not.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- That is very strong. - Bottoms up. All of it this time.
0:15:53 > 0:15:55- No.- All of it, come on.
0:15:57 > 0:16:00You feel it, like, everywhere.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Have some water, you'll be fine.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08I did get a bit excited, cos it was something
0:16:08 > 0:16:10I felt a bit more comfortable with.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Like with the bagpiping, I've never done it before
0:16:13 > 0:16:15but the drinking I have definitely done before.
0:16:15 > 0:16:20Well, they do say that eight out of ten cats prefer whisky.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Not sure about aliens though.
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- I feel a bit queasy. - Do you feel bad?
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- No, I'm fine. Yeah. - You look a bit...
0:16:29 > 0:16:31A bit hot.
0:16:31 > 0:16:35Well, that date pretty much trampled all over my cultural heritage.
0:16:35 > 0:16:37But how was it for you, beasts?
0:16:37 > 0:16:40Personality wise, I do think John is one guy that I would go for
0:16:40 > 0:16:42because I do think we have got a lot in common still.
0:16:42 > 0:16:45We haven't had deep conversations and gone into it
0:16:45 > 0:16:46but it's only a first date,
0:16:46 > 0:16:51so I do think he is kind of like the guy I would go for, personality.
0:16:51 > 0:16:55I've been myself, I've done my best, so hopefully I'll be picked.
0:16:55 > 0:16:59There's no man alive that can stop you winning, John.
0:16:59 > 0:17:02Unfortunately, date number two is an undead vampire.
0:17:02 > 0:17:05Yes. What's happening, son?
0:17:05 > 0:17:08Yes, our frisky feline is already onto the next one.
0:17:08 > 0:17:13Jade and the vamp have come to World Of Wings, a bird of prey sanctuary.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15- Hello.- Hi.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19No, it's not lunch time for Jade, but a romantic encounter that will
0:17:19 > 0:17:23involve catching and feeding a Harris hawk called Lockie.
0:17:23 > 0:17:26Have you ever flown a bird of prey before?
0:17:26 > 0:17:27I can't say I have, no.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I'm sure everything will be fine.
0:17:30 > 0:17:32So I'm just going to pop him off the now.
0:17:32 > 0:17:35I'm into all sorts of birds. Let's go.
0:17:35 > 0:17:39Delicious chicken foot ready, stand-by for swooping hawk action.
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Give it a bit of a wave, Jade.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- You think so?- Any time now.
0:17:47 > 0:17:50Lockie! Lockie!
0:17:50 > 0:17:51Any time.
0:17:51 > 0:17:54Lockie! He's not having none of it.
0:17:56 > 0:18:00Do you know, it's almost like seeing a human sized version
0:18:00 > 0:18:04of its most dangerous predator, has scared the bejesus out of Lockie.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Lockie!
0:18:05 > 0:18:10I still think you look like a Satan more than a vampire.
0:18:10 > 0:18:13- Ron Jeremy?- Yeah.- Yeah, but if you'd seen Ron Jeremy...
0:18:13 > 0:18:15- Then I'd understand? - You don't know who he is, do you?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- No, I have no idea at all. - Locko!
0:18:18 > 0:18:22- Lockie!- Got any barbecue sauce? Chicken?
0:18:22 > 0:18:26Just literally just chuck it in the air and hope for the best.
0:18:26 > 0:18:30I'm sure I heard Packham say that on Springwatch once.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Mike has definitely made it a hell of a lot more fun for me.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35I don't know why, he just keeps making me giggle.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37I think Jade's really sound. Yeah, no she's really cool.
0:18:37 > 0:18:39It's not awkward.
0:18:39 > 0:18:41I thought I'd be here today and it'd be a bit like...
0:18:41 > 0:18:44But no, no, she seems really, really nice.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Who says standing in a field holding a severed chicken
0:18:47 > 0:18:48foot can't be romantic?
0:18:48 > 0:18:50- He's done.- Lockie!
0:18:50 > 0:18:52Despite having lost Lockie,
0:18:52 > 0:18:56our beasts are somehow allowed to handle an enormous eagle.
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Them claws could do some damage.
0:18:57 > 0:19:01Oh, oh, oh bird in your arm, pubes in your mouth. No, I can't.
0:19:01 > 0:19:05- I don't think he likes me behind him.- And a little kestrel!
0:19:05 > 0:19:07No, they just don't like you, do they?
0:19:07 > 0:19:11Unfortunately, it would seem that all birds are scared of big cats.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13Hold your hand out.
0:19:15 > 0:19:19He pecked my... I'm going to cry.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21Look, maybe it's best to forget all about the birds
0:19:21 > 0:19:23and have a nice cup of tea/Irn-Bru.
0:19:25 > 0:19:28Oh, my God, I can't believe that as a first date.
0:19:28 > 0:19:31So, who is this Jeremy Ron spiel thing?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33- No, Ron Jeremy.- That's the one.
0:19:33 > 0:19:36He's very famous. I can't believe you don't know who he is.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38Maybe I just know his face. I don't know his name.
0:19:38 > 0:19:42You'd probably know his face, yeah, that's probably what it is, 100%.
0:19:42 > 0:19:44- OK.- Are you intrigued now, to like know who he is?- I am.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47I am because you're saying you look like him and I think...
0:19:47 > 0:19:49No, I don't, I don't look like him, like under this like.
0:19:49 > 0:19:53- No!- I think it's just the hair. - Oh, is it?- Like, yeah...
0:19:53 > 0:19:56So it's not that he's got a big like honk or pointy ears?
0:19:56 > 0:19:57Oh, no, he's, he's got a honker.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03I haven't seen a good Ron Jeremy film in a while
0:20:03 > 0:20:04though actually, to be fair.
0:20:04 > 0:20:07Do you think I would know any of the movies that he might have been in?
0:20:07 > 0:20:10- Womb Raider? - Did you say Womb Raider?
0:20:10 > 0:20:13No, Tomb Raider. Tomb...
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Womb Raider! Obviously not like...
0:20:15 > 0:20:17I think it was like a horror film or something.
0:20:17 > 0:20:21Yeah, no, it's, it's quite graphic really.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24- In Diana Jones?- Huh? - In Diana Jones?- Indiana?
0:20:24 > 0:20:26No, In Diana Jones.
0:20:26 > 0:20:29I think you're naming pornos or something here, aren't you?
0:20:29 > 0:20:31No. You've heard about Indiana Jones?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34That's what I said and then you said, "In Diana Jones."
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Raiders of the Lost Arse? - Shove off now.
0:20:38 > 0:20:39- What?!- Oh, my God.
0:20:41 > 0:20:43I can't believe you never seen any of those blockbusters.
0:20:43 > 0:20:46You're making me hot now.
0:20:46 > 0:20:50That's always good. No, no, I'm only joking.
0:20:50 > 0:20:54Sorry, Jade. Can you put up with me or am I annoying?
0:20:54 > 0:20:57Well, I don't know how to take you. It's good, it's different.
0:20:57 > 0:20:58How's the cuppa?
0:20:58 > 0:21:01So does Mike have any regrets about choosing naughty
0:21:01 > 0:21:04films as his main topic of conversation?
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- I missed out Schindler's Fist. - Right.
0:21:06 > 0:21:09I'm scared of what Google might possibly bring up
0:21:09 > 0:21:13and I don't think the history on my internet browser will be too good.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15I think she'd really enjoy the feature length films that are,
0:21:15 > 0:21:18that are available to her, courtesy of Ron.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21Overall with what we've done, the company, the conversations,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24it's been really good. Really top date.
0:21:24 > 0:21:26Incredibly, losing a bird of prey
0:21:26 > 0:21:30and talking porn over afternoon tea has proved to be a successful date.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34Well, then, it's decision time for Jade.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36What's new, pussy cat?
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I have had a blast with both of them. They're really good guys.
0:21:39 > 0:21:42It's not 100% made up in my mind now.
0:21:43 > 0:21:47Who will be Jade's sexy beast? Will it be John?
0:21:47 > 0:21:51After all that whisky, who knows if Jade can even remember the date?
0:21:51 > 0:21:55But almost passing out playing the bagpipes for your woman
0:21:55 > 0:21:56deserves top marks.
0:21:56 > 0:21:58Or will it be Mike? Together they lost a hawk...
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- Lockie! - It's still out there somewhere.
0:22:01 > 0:22:05But has Jade been sent flying by Mike's love for
0:22:05 > 0:22:07porn pensioner, Ron Jeremy?
0:22:07 > 0:22:10Once we have a winner, the masks are coming off.
0:22:12 > 0:22:14- You all right, blokes?- Hello. - You feeling all right?
0:22:14 > 0:22:16- Yeah, you good?- Right.
0:22:16 > 0:22:18I want to thank you both for two fantastic dates.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20I have really had a blast with you both.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Mike, we had a giggle so much.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26The conversations were so easy, they were so flowing, you made me
0:22:26 > 0:22:28feel really comfortable.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32One thing I am going to say is that you might not be so outgoing
0:22:32 > 0:22:35- when the mask comes off. - Oh, fair play.- OK?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39John, you're sweet, your willingness to try and keep up with me was...
0:22:39 > 0:22:42I'll give you Brownie points for that, you gave it a good go.
0:22:42 > 0:22:45The only bad things I'm going to say is I still think you're quite
0:22:45 > 0:22:48naive and you're quite reserved and that kind of worries me,
0:22:48 > 0:22:50that you're quite shy and everything.
0:22:50 > 0:22:51Yeah, that's a fair point.
0:22:51 > 0:22:53I did try and keep up with you with the shots,
0:22:53 > 0:22:56but they were quite large.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59John or Mike?
0:22:59 > 0:23:01Mini-mind or mega honk?
0:23:01 > 0:23:07I'm talking quietly because this is the important bit.
0:23:07 > 0:23:09So my sexy beast is...
0:23:18 > 0:23:21- It's Mike. I'm sorry, John. - Huge!
0:23:21 > 0:23:25Genuine delight from the filthy vampire there, I think.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28- Well done, mate. - Cheers very much, thank you.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30I'm a little bit gutted that I didn't get picked
0:23:30 > 0:23:31but I had a great time.
0:23:31 > 0:23:36If she's not what I thought she'd look like, she's going to get pie'd.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39I'm only joking, that was a massive joke, obviously not.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41Yeah, it was a joke, yeah.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44We'll find out what our kitty cat really looks like very soon.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46But first, we must meet the real John.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50Three hours in make-up transformed him into a blue egg-headed alien,
0:23:50 > 0:23:56but this is what he looks like when you lobotomise that huge brain.
0:23:56 > 0:24:01# Tell me how am I supposed to live without you? #
0:24:01 > 0:24:04Oh! He's super cute!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07Oh, it was a fake head, thank goodness.
0:24:07 > 0:24:11And you can't see where he rubbed his hair off with some concrete.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13Now for Jade to find out if she's made a mistake.
0:24:13 > 0:24:16And although John gets to feast his eyes on the fem
0:24:16 > 0:24:19beneath the feline, we must wait a little while longer to see her.
0:24:22 > 0:24:27- Whoa, that's crazy.- Not what I expected.- Really?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Wow, you've got a lovely smile. - Thanks.
0:24:29 > 0:24:30It goes nice with the eyes.
0:24:30 > 0:24:34Yeah, what you... That's crazy, different. It makes you look. Whoa.
0:24:34 > 0:24:37I thought you'd look older but you actually you look younger.
0:24:37 > 0:24:40I am quite young still remember, you make me feel old.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44So, John, final words? Make them count!
0:24:44 > 0:24:47What have you learnt from this experience?
0:24:49 > 0:24:53- I don't know. - Brilliant. Moving on.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56World-class make-up skills transformed Mike into vampire
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Ron Jeremy, apparently.
0:24:59 > 0:25:02Let's reveal the lad behind the latex.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14He looks about 300 years younger. What a handsome chap!
0:25:14 > 0:25:16But will Jade think so?
0:25:17 > 0:25:22This is the Jade we all know - furry face, hairy chest, moist nose,
0:25:22 > 0:25:28but this is what the pussy cat girl really looks like.
0:25:28 > 0:25:29# What's new pussy cat?
0:25:29 > 0:25:32# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
0:25:32 > 0:25:34# What's new pussy cat?
0:25:34 > 0:25:36# Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa... #
0:25:36 > 0:25:39It's like a Yam Yam Katy Perry.
0:25:39 > 0:25:42It's Katy Purry and with no facial hair whatsoever.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45That is a relief!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48Let's hope Mike likes his ladies without whiskers.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50The moment of truth is upon us.
0:25:50 > 0:25:53How will they react when the curtain drops?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58Oh, my God, hiya. You all right?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- You're nothing like I expected. - At all?
0:26:00 > 0:26:02You've had a haircut as well.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- Oh, my God. I thought you'd have blonde hair.- Did you really?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Yeah, you've got blue eyes.
0:26:07 > 0:26:08She's really pretty, to be fair
0:26:08 > 0:26:11and it wasn't that awkward, to be honest.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13She's got a hell of a shape on her. She's got a peach, like.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14Princess Peach.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17He was a lot better looking than what I thought
0:26:17 > 0:26:20he was going to be cos he had such a loud personality,
0:26:20 > 0:26:23I thought he might have some making up to do.
0:26:23 > 0:26:27Well, well. It would seem that Jade picked the right guy for her
0:26:27 > 0:26:29and he seems pretty happy about it too.
0:26:29 > 0:26:31So, is it love?
0:26:31 > 0:26:35It's been a traditional courtship of porn and scaring scary birds,
0:26:35 > 0:26:37but if there is a romantic future in Jake,
0:26:37 > 0:26:41ha-ha, they must reunite here over a bottle of bubbly.
0:26:43 > 0:26:47To declare unwavering love, all they have to do is turn up.
0:26:47 > 0:26:54# And I hope that you would be the one... #
0:26:54 > 0:27:00And Mike's there! Although he's looking worried.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02If she don't come, I swear to God, mate, I'll be gutted.
0:27:02 > 0:27:06I'm going to get ripped big time.
0:27:06 > 0:27:09Oh, dear, that does sound painful. Be gentle, Mike's friends.
0:27:12 > 0:27:19# Found the words I need to say... #
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Unless...
0:27:21 > 0:27:22Jade's here! Yay!
0:27:24 > 0:27:26Oh, my God, thank God for that.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30Of course she is, there's free booze on offer.
0:27:30 > 0:27:33- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:27:33 > 0:27:36- At least we both turned up. - Exactly.
0:27:39 > 0:27:43This is so emotional. It's just like the real Scott and Charlene.
0:27:43 > 0:27:44Ask your mum and dad.
0:27:48 > 0:27:52Jade found a guy that she really quite likes. A funny,
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Welsh bum-loving vampire called Mike.
0:27:55 > 0:27:58So this time our fairy tale ended quite happily.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01Perhaps they'll celebrate in the style of Ron Jeremy.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06There's just one last thing that we need to know.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08Where the hell did that bloody bird go?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# Take these broken wings... #
0:28:13 > 0:28:15Lockie!
0:28:15 > 0:28:17# And learn to fly again
0:28:17 > 0:28:20# Learn to live so free
0:28:20 > 0:28:25# When we hear the voices sing
0:28:25 > 0:28:30# The book of love will open up and let us in
0:28:30 > 0:28:37# Take these broken wings... #