0:00:03 > 0:00:05MUSIC: Little Dolly Daydream
0:00:07 > 0:00:09# Little Dolly Daydream
0:00:09 > 0:00:11# Pride of Idaho
0:00:11 > 0:00:12# So now ye know
0:00:12 > 0:00:15# And when ye go
0:00:15 > 0:00:17# You'll see there's somethin' on her mind
0:00:17 > 0:00:18# Don't think
0:00:18 > 0:00:22# Cos no-one's got to kiss that girl but me. #
0:00:24 > 0:00:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:28 > 0:00:30FANFARE
0:00:33 > 0:00:35ROAR OF APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING
0:00:46 > 0:00:48Once again...
0:00:49 > 0:00:51..good evening,
0:00:51 > 0:00:53ladies and gentlemen!
0:00:55 > 0:00:56- AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:00:58 > 0:01:00Unequivocally...
0:01:00 > 0:01:02- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:01:02 > 0:01:05..accredited, adulatory accolades...
0:01:05 > 0:01:06- AUDIENCE:- Whoa!
0:01:06 > 0:01:09..our inaugural artistes
0:01:09 > 0:01:12exultantly exhibit...
0:01:12 > 0:01:14- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16..executants' expertise!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18THEY CHEER
0:01:18 > 0:01:22..Mr Terry Lightfoot and his band!
0:01:22 > 0:01:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:33 > 0:01:37MUSIC: When The Saints Go Marching In by Terry Lightfoot And His Band
0:02:06 > 0:02:08AUDIENCE SINGS ALONG
0:03:04 > 0:03:06# And my old man
0:03:06 > 0:03:08# Said follow the van
0:03:08 > 0:03:11# And don't dilly dally on the way
0:03:13 > 0:03:17# Off went the van with the home packed in it
0:03:17 > 0:03:21# I walked behind with me old cock linnet
0:03:21 > 0:03:24# But I dillied and dallied
0:03:24 > 0:03:26# Dallied and dillied
0:03:26 > 0:03:29# Lost the van and don't know where to roam
0:03:30 > 0:03:34# You can't trust the specials like the old time coppers
0:03:34 > 0:03:38# When you can't find your way home... #
0:03:38 > 0:03:39Yes!
0:03:39 > 0:03:43# You can't trust the specials like the old time coppers
0:03:43 > 0:03:47# When you can't find your way home... #
0:03:50 > 0:03:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:00 > 0:04:03An exuberantly...
0:04:03 > 0:04:05AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:04:05 > 0:04:07..extrovert, like you,
0:04:07 > 0:04:12extravaganza of uninhibited
0:04:12 > 0:04:13hilarity
0:04:13 > 0:04:16and equilibristic...
0:04:16 > 0:04:18AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:04:18 > 0:04:19..acumen.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Funny acrobatics.
0:04:24 > 0:04:26The Macardis!
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Ladies and gentlemen...
0:05:14 > 0:05:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:23 > 0:05:24APPLAUSE
0:05:52 > 0:05:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:45 > 0:06:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:10 > 0:07:12AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
0:07:16 > 0:07:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:34 > 0:07:38Albert, as you see, prepares, ladies and gentlemen,
0:07:38 > 0:07:43for that nonpareil
0:07:43 > 0:07:45nenuphar...
0:07:45 > 0:07:46AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:07:46 > 0:07:49..of nubility.
0:07:49 > 0:07:50Your own,
0:07:50 > 0:07:52your very, very own,
0:07:52 > 0:07:55Eira Heath!
0:07:55 > 0:07:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:00 > 0:08:03# Now Jim O'Shea was cast away
0:08:03 > 0:08:05# Upon a desert isle
0:08:05 > 0:08:08# The natives there they liked his hair
0:08:08 > 0:08:10# They liked his Irish smile
0:08:10 > 0:08:14# So made him chief Panjandrum the Nabob of them all
0:08:14 > 0:08:17# They called him Jij-ji-boo Jhai
0:08:17 > 0:08:19# And decked him out so gay
0:08:19 > 0:08:23# So he wrote to Dublin Bay To his sweetheart
0:08:23 > 0:08:26# Just to say
0:08:26 > 0:08:30# Sure I've got rings
0:08:30 > 0:08:33# On my fingers
0:08:33 > 0:08:35# Bells on my toes
0:08:35 > 0:08:37# Elephants to ride upon
0:08:37 > 0:08:40# My little Irish rose
0:08:40 > 0:08:42# So come to your Nabob
0:08:42 > 0:08:44# And next Patrick's Day
0:08:44 > 0:08:47# Be Mrs Mumbo Jumbo Jij-ji-boo Jhai
0:08:48 > 0:08:50# O'Shea. #
0:08:50 > 0:08:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:02 > 0:09:04# In the gloaming
0:09:05 > 0:09:09# Oh, my darling
0:09:09 > 0:09:14# When the lights are dim and low
0:09:17 > 0:09:20# And the quiet
0:09:20 > 0:09:23# Shadows falling
0:09:24 > 0:09:27# Softly come
0:09:27 > 0:09:31# And softly go
0:09:32 > 0:09:38# When the winds are sobbing faintly
0:09:38 > 0:09:43# With a gentle unknown woe
0:09:46 > 0:09:50# Will you think of me
0:09:50 > 0:09:53# And love me
0:09:53 > 0:09:59# As you did once long ago
0:10:07 > 0:10:10# In the gloaming
0:10:10 > 0:10:13# Oh, my darling
0:10:13 > 0:10:18# Think not bitterly of me
0:10:19 > 0:10:25# Though I past away in silence
0:10:25 > 0:10:30# Left you lonely, set you free.
0:10:32 > 0:10:36# For my heart was crushed with longing
0:10:37 > 0:10:43# What had been would never be
0:10:45 > 0:10:51# It was best we parted thus, dear
0:10:53 > 0:10:58# Best for you and best for me
0:11:01 > 0:11:06# It was best we parted thus
0:11:08 > 0:11:12# Best for you
0:11:12 > 0:11:19# And best for me. #
0:11:25 > 0:11:29APPLAUSE
0:11:29 > 0:11:31AUDIENCE JOIN IN
0:11:31 > 0:11:34# The twi-twi-twi-light
0:11:34 > 0:11:38# Out in the beautiful twilight
0:11:38 > 0:11:42# They all go out for a walk, walk, walk
0:11:42 > 0:11:45# A quiet old spoon and a talk, talk, talk
0:11:45 > 0:11:50# That's the time they long for
0:11:50 > 0:11:53# Just before the night
0:11:53 > 0:11:57# And many a grand little wedding is planned
0:11:57 > 0:12:01# In the twi-twi-light
0:12:02 > 0:12:06# A sweet and blushing girl you see
0:12:06 > 0:12:09# A queen of high society
0:12:09 > 0:12:12# Fond of fun as fond can be
0:12:12 > 0:12:16# When it's on the strict QT
0:12:16 > 0:12:19# I'm not too young and not too old
0:12:19 > 0:12:23# Not too timid, not too bold
0:12:23 > 0:12:26# Just the kind you'd like to hold
0:12:26 > 0:12:30# Just the kind for sport I'm told... #
0:12:30 > 0:12:31- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:12:31 > 0:12:34- AUDIENCE JOIN IN - # Ta-ra-ra
0:12:34 > 0:12:36# Boom de-ay!
0:12:36 > 0:12:38# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!
0:12:38 > 0:12:41# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!
0:12:41 > 0:12:43# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!
0:12:43 > 0:12:45# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!
0:12:45 > 0:12:47# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!
0:12:47 > 0:12:49# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!
0:12:49 > 0:12:54# Ta-ra-ra Boom de-ay!
0:12:54 > 0:12:56# Oh, Mr Porter
0:12:56 > 0:12:59# What shall I do?
0:12:59 > 0:13:02# I want to go to Birmingham and they're taking me on to Crewe
0:13:02 > 0:13:06# Send me back to London as quickly as you can
0:13:06 > 0:13:10# Oh, Mr Porter what a silly girl I am
0:13:14 > 0:13:20# In the shade of the old apple tree
0:13:20 > 0:13:26# When the love in your eyes I could see
0:13:26 > 0:13:32# When the voice that I heard like the song of the bird
0:13:32 > 0:13:37# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me
0:13:38 > 0:13:44# I could hear the dull buzz of the bee
0:13:44 > 0:13:48# In the blossoms as you said to me
0:13:49 > 0:13:53# With a heart that is true
0:13:53 > 0:13:57# I'll be waiting for you
0:13:57 > 0:14:03# In the shade of the old apple tree... #
0:14:03 > 0:14:07- AUDIENCE JOIN IN - # With a heart that is true
0:14:07 > 0:14:12# I'll be waiting for you
0:14:13 > 0:14:20# In the shade of the old apple tree. #
0:14:22 > 0:14:24APPLAUSE
0:14:40 > 0:14:43- The apotheosis. AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:14:43 > 0:14:47The acme, the zenith of lustrous legerdemain
0:14:47 > 0:14:50and prestidigitation.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:14:52 > 0:14:53Magic.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Illimitable inelegance,
0:14:56 > 0:14:59Mr Larry Parker!
0:14:59 > 0:15:01BAND PLAYS
0:15:08 > 0:15:12MUSIC: I Could Have Danced All Night
0:15:13 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Hey! Hup!
0:15:19 > 0:15:20Hup! Hup!
0:15:23 > 0:15:25HE EXHALES
0:15:27 > 0:15:30- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:15:32 > 0:15:34Ah! Now, ah!
0:15:43 > 0:15:44HE GIGGLES
0:15:54 > 0:15:55Hup!
0:15:58 > 0:16:01LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:21 > 0:16:24HE WHISTLES
0:16:24 > 0:16:27LAUGHTER
0:16:33 > 0:16:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:44 > 0:16:46STUTTERS: Ladies and gentlemen,
0:16:46 > 0:16:48I have now two completely unprepared...
0:16:48 > 0:16:50LAUGHTER
0:16:50 > 0:16:54I have two completely unprepared... Hey! Ho! Fa! Fa-fa-fa!
0:16:54 > 0:16:56HE GIGGLES
0:16:56 > 0:16:58Now, I take two hankies.
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Tie the hankies by the...
0:17:00 > 0:17:03HE STUTTERS
0:17:03 > 0:17:05For the.... Ah!
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Ah! Placed in the...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Now, I have also one completely unprepared Union Jack.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14Hey! Ho! Hoo!
0:17:15 > 0:17:18T-take... Place the Union Jack in the handling, in the handling
0:17:18 > 0:17:20for the eh-eh... For the... Ah!
0:17:20 > 0:17:23LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Sprinkling with the dust... With the...
0:17:25 > 0:17:28HE LAUGHS
0:17:28 > 0:17:30HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:17:32 > 0:17:35Sprinkling once more... HE STUTTERS
0:17:35 > 0:17:37That's it... Hey! Ho!
0:17:37 > 0:17:41Now... Ah! APPLAUSE
0:17:43 > 0:17:46HE STUTTERS
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Way! Ha! Ho! Hup!
0:17:48 > 0:17:51LAUGHTER
0:17:52 > 0:17:55Ah! LAUGHTER
0:17:55 > 0:17:57FANFARE
0:18:04 > 0:18:05GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:07 > 0:18:09Hey!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oi!
0:18:26 > 0:18:29LAUGHTER
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Completely hypnotised. Completely, completely... Oi!
0:18:36 > 0:18:39The eyeballs... The eyeballs... Completely kaput.
0:18:39 > 0:18:42There's nothing at all there. LAUGHTER
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Hey!
0:18:45 > 0:18:49Eyeball's kaput! The eyeball's completely kaput! There's nothing...
0:18:49 > 0:18:52LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:02Ah!
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Hey! Ha! Ho!
0:19:11 > 0:19:12Ah!
0:19:12 > 0:19:14- AUDIENCE:- Ah!
0:19:27 > 0:19:30LAUGHTER
0:19:38 > 0:19:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:56 > 0:19:59APPLAUSE
0:20:05 > 0:20:06DRUMROLL
0:20:09 > 0:20:10Hey!
0:20:10 > 0:20:12CLUCKING
0:20:15 > 0:20:17CLUCKING CONTINUES
0:20:18 > 0:20:19FRANTIC CLUCKING
0:20:21 > 0:20:22GUNSHOT
0:20:22 > 0:20:24LAUGHTER
0:20:25 > 0:20:26CHEERING
0:20:45 > 0:20:51In a sonorous synthesis of sibling...
0:20:51 > 0:20:52- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:20:52 > 0:20:58..synchronisation and scintillant simple...simultaneity...
0:20:58 > 0:20:59CHEERING
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I've got a very good dentist.
0:21:03 > 0:21:04LAUGHTER
0:21:04 > 0:21:06..the Barry Brothers.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08APPLAUSE
0:21:14 > 0:21:17# Johnny O'Connor had an automobile
0:21:17 > 0:21:21# He took his sweetheart for a ride on Sunday
0:21:21 > 0:21:24# Johnny was dressed up in his best Sunday clothes
0:21:24 > 0:21:28# She nestled close to his side
0:21:28 > 0:21:31TOGETHER: # Things went just dandy till they'd gone down the road
0:21:31 > 0:21:35# Then something happened to the old machinery
0:21:35 > 0:21:37# The engine got his goat
0:21:37 > 0:21:38# Off went his hat and coat
0:21:38 > 0:21:41# Everything needed repairs
0:21:41 > 0:21:43# So he'd have to get under
0:21:43 > 0:21:45# Get out and get under
0:21:45 > 0:21:49# To fix his little machine
0:21:49 > 0:21:52# Though he was dying to cuddle his queen
0:21:52 > 0:21:55# But every minute when he'd begin it
0:21:55 > 0:21:57# He'd have to get under
0:21:57 > 0:21:59# Get out and get under
0:21:59 > 0:22:02# Then he'd get back at the wheel
0:22:02 > 0:22:05# To hug and squeeze he'd boldly get to work
0:22:05 > 0:22:07# And then the brakes would jam
0:22:07 > 0:22:09# There'd be a jerk
0:22:09 > 0:22:11# And then he'd have to get under
0:22:11 > 0:22:13# Get out and get under
0:22:13 > 0:22:15# And fix up his automobile. #
0:22:15 > 0:22:18# And then he'd row, row, row
0:22:18 > 0:22:20# Way up the river he would row, row, row
0:22:20 > 0:22:22# A hug he'd give her
0:22:22 > 0:22:23# Then he'd kiss her now and then
0:22:23 > 0:22:25# She would tell him when
0:22:25 > 0:22:27# They'd fool around and fool around
0:22:27 > 0:22:28# And then they'd kiss again
0:22:28 > 0:22:31# And then he'd row, row, row
0:22:31 > 0:22:35# A little further how he'd row-oh-oh-oh-oh
0:22:35 > 0:22:36# Then he'd throw both his oars
0:22:36 > 0:22:38# Take a few more encores
0:22:38 > 0:22:41# And then he'd row, row, row-oh-oh-oh
0:22:41 > 0:22:45# And then he'd row-oh, row-oh
0:22:45 > 0:22:51# Row-oh-oh-oh! #
0:22:51 > 0:22:53APPLAUSE
0:23:05 > 0:23:12# Moonlight and roses
0:23:12 > 0:23:19# Bring wonderful memories of you
0:23:19 > 0:23:27# My heart reposes
0:23:27 > 0:23:34# In beautiful thoughts so true
0:23:34 > 0:23:41# June light discloses
0:23:41 > 0:23:49# Love's golden dreams sparkling anew
0:23:49 > 0:23:55# Moonlight and roses
0:23:55 > 0:23:59# Bring memories
0:23:59 > 0:24:03# Of you
0:24:03 > 0:24:10# Moonlight and roses
0:24:10 > 0:24:16# Bring memories
0:24:16 > 0:24:22# Of you. #
0:24:22 > 0:24:23APPLAUSE
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Verisimilitudinous...
0:24:47 > 0:24:48- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:24:50 > 0:24:52That's like you - lifelike.
0:24:53 > 0:24:59..in vertiginous virtuosity of ventrilingual...
0:24:59 > 0:25:00CHEERING
0:25:00 > 0:25:04..vocalisation, Mr Neville King!
0:25:05 > 0:25:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:13 > 0:25:16MUSIC: Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
0:25:20 > 0:25:21LAUGHTER
0:25:37 > 0:25:39- FROM THE WINGS:- What a load of rubbish this is.
0:25:44 > 0:25:46What a load of codswallop.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50- Just stop. - MUSIC STOPS
0:25:50 > 0:25:53- Rubbish. Rubbish! - What's the matter with you?
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- I'm fed up...- Come here, come here, come here, come here.
0:25:56 > 0:25:58I'm fed up of seeing bloody conjurers.
0:25:58 > 0:25:59LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:05We've got a glut of conjurers...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07APPLAUSE
0:26:11 > 0:26:15We've got a glut - a glut of conjurors on this show
0:26:15 > 0:26:16and I'm fed up of seeing them.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- Now what do you know about show business?- Everything.
0:26:22 > 0:26:23So you come here, interfering with my act
0:26:23 > 0:26:26and you think you know everything about show business?
0:26:26 > 0:26:29- I've done the lot. - You've done the lot?- Everything.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33I see. And what did you do in show business?
0:26:33 > 0:26:35I worked for a ventriloquist.
0:26:35 > 0:26:37LAUGHTER
0:26:37 > 0:26:40Very, very clever. I see, you worked for a ventril...
0:26:40 > 0:26:43- You were one of those little dollies that they sort of...- Gottle of geer.
0:26:43 > 0:26:46Yes, yes, I remember, and then you sang a little song and then,
0:26:46 > 0:26:50I remember, then the ventriloquist sort of eased you up there
0:26:50 > 0:26:53- on top of a big case, put you in the case.- Not me.
0:26:53 > 0:26:55Oh, yes, I saw the act, you see, what happened...
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- No, no, take your hands off. - LAUGHTER
0:26:58 > 0:27:00You see, what actually happened...
0:27:00 > 0:27:01Take your bloody hands off me!
0:27:01 > 0:27:03LAUGHTER
0:27:03 > 0:27:06- I've seen the act.- I'm not... I'm not going in any bloody case!
0:27:06 > 0:27:07LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:11I've seen the act. I know what happens.
0:27:15 > 0:27:17This is a load of codswallop.
0:27:17 > 0:27:20Now listen, how can I get him in that case?
0:27:20 > 0:27:22- I know. I'll hypnotise him. - You what?
0:27:25 > 0:27:29- You are now going very, very queer.- I say!
0:27:29 > 0:27:31Your head feels very, very heavy.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34It's going round and round and round.
0:27:34 > 0:27:35LAUGHTER
0:27:37 > 0:27:42You are now going in a deep, deep sleep.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46Sleep!
0:27:47 > 0:27:49SNORING
0:27:55 > 0:27:57LAUGHTER
0:27:57 > 0:28:00Completely in my power. Now, ladies and gentlemen...
0:28:00 > 0:28:02I'm not going in that case!
0:28:24 > 0:28:25GENTLE MUSIC
0:28:46 > 0:28:47Eugh!
0:29:00 > 0:29:01Oh-h!
0:29:03 > 0:29:04I like that.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30DRUMROLL
0:29:31 > 0:29:34APPLAUSE
0:29:58 > 0:30:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:18 > 0:30:22Eliminating the impedimenta of illusion,
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Albert is harbinger
0:30:24 > 0:30:29for the advent of the vibrant dynamism...
0:30:29 > 0:30:30- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:30:30 > 0:30:33..the galvanic diablerie...
0:30:33 > 0:30:34- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:30:34 > 0:30:38..of that torrid tornado of titillation...
0:30:38 > 0:30:40- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:30:40 > 0:30:44..the one and only Eartha Kitt!
0:31:02 > 0:31:05# When I was young and innocent
0:31:06 > 0:31:10# You stole into my heart
0:31:10 > 0:31:14# You told me things I now repent
0:31:14 > 0:31:16# Whenever we're apart
0:31:18 > 0:31:23# You told me that the world was wide
0:31:23 > 0:31:26# A bit too wide
0:31:26 > 0:31:30# And now, I'm not satisfied... #
0:31:30 > 0:31:33MURMURS AND GIGGLES
0:31:36 > 0:31:39# With just a cup of tea
0:31:42 > 0:31:45# I was...
0:31:49 > 0:31:51SHE GASPS
0:31:51 > 0:31:56# A good little girl
0:31:56 > 0:31:59# Till I met you
0:32:01 > 0:32:05# You put my head in a whirl
0:32:05 > 0:32:09# My poor heart too
0:32:09 > 0:32:13# Oh, how you told me the tale
0:32:16 > 0:32:19# You always do
0:32:19 > 0:32:22# I was a good little girl
0:32:24 > 0:32:27# Till I met you
0:32:33 > 0:32:37# I never stayed out late at night
0:32:39 > 0:32:42# At least, not after ten
0:32:44 > 0:32:47# I was indifferent to men
0:32:49 > 0:32:54# Until you came, and then
0:32:55 > 0:32:59# You took me walking in the park
0:32:59 > 0:33:01# You talked like Romeo... #
0:33:01 > 0:33:05LAUGHTER
0:33:06 > 0:33:10# And then you kissed me in the dark... #
0:33:10 > 0:33:13AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:33:14 > 0:33:19# Poor me, I did not know... #
0:33:19 > 0:33:22AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:33:22 > 0:33:24SHE GASPS
0:33:24 > 0:33:26# I was...
0:33:32 > 0:33:35# A good little girl
0:33:37 > 0:33:41# Till I met you
0:33:41 > 0:33:45# You put my heart in a whirl
0:33:45 > 0:33:48# My poor head too
0:33:50 > 0:33:54# Oh, how you told me the tale
0:33:56 > 0:33:58# You always do
0:34:00 > 0:34:04# I was a good little girl
0:34:04 > 0:34:07# Till I met you
0:34:10 > 0:34:15# I was a good little girl
0:34:17 > 0:34:22# Till I met you. #
0:34:22 > 0:34:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:39 > 0:34:41# Won't you come home, Bill Bailey?
0:34:41 > 0:34:43# Won't you come home?
0:34:43 > 0:34:46# She cried the whole night long
0:34:46 > 0:34:50# I'll do the cooking and I'll pay the rent
0:34:50 > 0:34:54# I know I've done you wrong
0:34:54 > 0:34:58# Remember that early evening I threw you out?
0:34:59 > 0:35:02# Just with a fine-tooth comb
0:35:02 > 0:35:04# I know I'm to blame
0:35:04 > 0:35:06# Ain't it a shame?
0:35:06 > 0:35:09# Bill Bailey, won't you please come home? #
0:35:09 > 0:35:11SHE PURRS
0:35:11 > 0:35:12# Come home, Bill Bailey
0:35:12 > 0:35:14# Won't you come home?
0:35:14 > 0:35:17# She cried the whole night long
0:35:17 > 0:35:21# I'll do the cooking and I'll pay the rent
0:35:21 > 0:35:25# I know I've done you wrong
0:35:25 > 0:35:29# Remember that rainy evening I threw you out?
0:35:29 > 0:35:32# Nothing but a fine-tooth comb
0:35:32 > 0:35:36# I know I'm to blame and ain't it a shame?
0:35:36 > 0:35:40# Bill Bailey, won't you please come home? #
0:35:40 > 0:35:42PIANO INTRODUCTION
0:35:47 > 0:35:49LAUGHTER
0:35:56 > 0:35:59# You made me love you
0:36:01 > 0:36:04# I didn't wanna do it
0:36:06 > 0:36:08# I didn't wanna do it
0:36:14 > 0:36:18# You made me love you
0:36:20 > 0:36:23# And all the time you knew it
0:36:23 > 0:36:25# I guess you always knew it
0:36:25 > 0:36:28# You made me happy sometimes
0:36:30 > 0:36:32# And you made me glad
0:36:34 > 0:36:36# But there were times, dear
0:36:37 > 0:36:43# You made me feel so...unnecessary
0:36:46 > 0:36:51# You made me sad for
0:36:53 > 0:36:56# I didn't want to tell you
0:36:56 > 0:37:00# I didn't want to tell you
0:37:00 > 0:37:02# I want some love
0:37:04 > 0:37:05# That's true
0:37:05 > 0:37:07# Yes, I do
0:37:07 > 0:37:08# Indeed I do
0:37:08 > 0:37:11# You know I do
0:37:11 > 0:37:15# Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme
0:37:15 > 0:37:18# What I sigh for
0:37:18 > 0:37:23# You know you got the brand of kisses that I'd die...
0:37:26 > 0:37:32# You know you made me love you. #
0:37:35 > 0:37:38ORCHESTRA STARTS UP
0:37:38 > 0:37:42# Who were you with last night
0:37:42 > 0:37:45# Out in the pale moonlight?
0:37:45 > 0:37:47# It wasn't your sister
0:37:47 > 0:37:49# It wasn't your ma
0:37:49 > 0:37:53# Ah!
0:37:53 > 0:37:56# Who were you with last night
0:37:56 > 0:37:59# Out in the pale moonlight?
0:37:59 > 0:38:03# Are you gonna tell your missus when you get home?
0:38:03 > 0:38:06# Who were you with last night?
0:38:07 > 0:38:10# Who were you with last night
0:38:10 > 0:38:14# Out in the pale moonlight?
0:38:14 > 0:38:16# It wasn't your missus
0:38:16 > 0:38:18# It wasn't your ma... #
0:38:18 > 0:38:21SHE PURRS
0:38:21 > 0:38:25# Who were you with last night
0:38:25 > 0:38:28# Out in the pale moonlight?
0:38:28 > 0:38:32# Are you gonna tell your missus when you get home?
0:38:32 > 0:38:34# Who were you with last night?
0:38:36 > 0:38:39# You gonna tell your missus when you get home? I will!
0:38:39 > 0:38:47# Who were you with last night? #
0:38:47 > 0:38:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:08 > 0:39:09Inimitable...
0:39:10 > 0:39:11..incomparable...
0:39:13 > 0:39:15..endearingly irresistible,
0:39:15 > 0:39:19your own, your very, very, very own
0:39:19 > 0:39:21Arthur Askey!
0:39:21 > 0:39:23APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:39:26 > 0:39:28Thank you!
0:39:33 > 0:39:36- Hello, playmates! - AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:39:36 > 0:39:39- Would you like me to come out there? - Yes!
0:39:39 > 0:39:40Well, no touching.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46- You used to be over there. - Oh, no, I never!
0:39:46 > 0:39:49- Oh, yes, you did!- No, I...
0:39:49 > 0:39:51Oh, yes, you did!
0:39:51 > 0:39:54- Oh, yes, you did.- Oh...
0:39:54 > 0:39:56I remember it.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01Once again, ladies and gentlemen...
0:40:05 > 0:40:07You didn't do it properly, Albert.
0:40:09 > 0:40:10That was supposed to break!
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Goodnight...
0:40:17 > 0:40:21What are you blushing about? Go on, saw it.
0:40:21 > 0:40:22Ah, that's better.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29APPLAUSE
0:40:29 > 0:40:30He's doing it!
0:40:32 > 0:40:35There, that's what would have happened, you see.
0:40:36 > 0:40:38When's the new man coming, Barney?
0:40:39 > 0:40:42Right, are you all right, Bernard, and the boys?
0:40:42 > 0:40:44Well, I'm going to sing you one, playmates,
0:40:44 > 0:40:46I haven't flogged quite as much as the others.
0:40:46 > 0:40:48It's a little song called The Penguin.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52I do actions.
0:40:57 > 0:41:02# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap
0:41:02 > 0:41:05# I'm a little penguin such a funny little chap
0:41:05 > 0:41:08# Bandy-legged bath bun
0:41:08 > 0:41:10# Nothing like a swan
0:41:10 > 0:41:14# The only bird that stands upon its sit-upon
0:41:14 > 0:41:18# Dressed up in my dicky and my evening suit
0:41:18 > 0:41:22# Everyone who sees me says he does look cute
0:41:22 > 0:41:26# Then up comes the keeper with a biting swish
0:41:26 > 0:41:30# Slaps me in the kisser with a stinking fish
0:41:30 > 0:41:32# I'm a penguin
0:41:32 > 0:41:34# Such a funny little chap
0:41:34 > 0:41:39# With my flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap... #
0:41:39 > 0:41:40All right.
0:41:42 > 0:41:44Starched me cottons.
0:41:47 > 0:41:51# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap
0:41:51 > 0:41:55# I'm a little penguin such a funny little chap
0:41:55 > 0:41:59# In the Arctic regions once I used to dwell
0:41:59 > 0:42:04# Imagine how I suffered - it was downright hell
0:42:04 > 0:42:08# Waggling around on the cold ice floes
0:42:08 > 0:42:12# With icicles suspended from my parson's nose
0:42:12 > 0:42:16# Sitting on an iceberg months and months - that's me
0:42:16 > 0:42:20# All brass monkeys have my sympathy
0:42:20 > 0:42:22# I'm a penguin
0:42:22 > 0:42:24# Such a funny little chap
0:42:24 > 0:42:28# With my flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap... #
0:42:30 > 0:42:33I'll give you a treat this time, all right?
0:42:33 > 0:42:35Serve them all alike!
0:42:37 > 0:42:41# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap
0:42:41 > 0:42:45# I'm a little penguin such a funny little chap
0:42:45 > 0:42:49# One of nature's funnymen certain to amuse
0:42:49 > 0:42:53# But underneath these feathers I've a heart like you
0:42:53 > 0:42:58# So when you are laughing think about me, please
0:42:58 > 0:43:02# Rubbing out my footprints with my duck's disease
0:43:02 > 0:43:05# Look at Charlie Chaplin, he can make you yell
0:43:05 > 0:43:10# But I'm a better comic - I lay eggs as well
0:43:10 > 0:43:12# I'm a penguin
0:43:12 > 0:43:14# Such a funny little chap
0:43:14 > 0:43:16# With a flippity-floppity
0:43:16 > 0:43:18# Flippity-floppity
0:43:18 > 0:43:22# Le Penguinello
0:43:22 > 0:43:26# Flippity-floppity flap, flap, flap. #
0:43:39 > 0:43:40Thank you.
0:43:42 > 0:43:44Once again, good...
0:43:45 > 0:43:47Oh, we'll leave it, shall we? Ugh!
0:43:51 > 0:43:54I'm going to give you one of my little poems. See how you like it.
0:43:54 > 0:43:56A plumber went to mend a bath
0:43:56 > 0:43:58There was a lady in it
0:43:58 > 0:44:02As naked as a newborn babe and singing like a linnet.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04She screamed and grabbed the bath mat
0:44:04 > 0:44:06That's how she met her fate
0:44:06 > 0:44:08The mat had "welcome" on it
0:44:08 > 0:44:09Now she's a plumber's mate.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:44:14 > 0:44:15All right.
0:44:22 > 0:44:25Well, now, playmates, I'm going to sing you a little chorus song.
0:44:25 > 0:44:26Now, don't get panicky,
0:44:26 > 0:44:29I'm not going to ask you to sing a whole chorus
0:44:29 > 0:44:32or anything like that, but when I get to the end of my second chorus
0:44:32 > 0:44:35I would like you, if you will, just to nip in here and there.
0:44:35 > 0:44:37- Will you do that for me?- Yes.
0:44:37 > 0:44:38- Promise?- Yes!
0:44:38 > 0:44:40All right, take the oath.
0:44:41 > 0:44:43Say "we"...
0:44:43 > 0:44:44We...
0:44:48 > 0:44:51That's the quietest "we" I've heard for a long time.
0:44:51 > 0:44:54Put a bit of body in it. We...
0:44:54 > 0:44:55We!
0:44:55 > 0:44:57..the audience...
0:44:57 > 0:44:58..the audience...
0:44:58 > 0:45:00..do hereby declare...
0:45:00 > 0:45:01..do hereby declare...
0:45:01 > 0:45:03..that Arthur Askey...
0:45:03 > 0:45:04..that Arthur Askey...
0:45:04 > 0:45:06..will here and now...
0:45:06 > 0:45:08..will here and now...
0:45:08 > 0:45:11- Before your... - ALL:- ..very eyes...
0:45:11 > 0:45:13They couldn't wait, you see!
0:45:13 > 0:45:14You can't wait!
0:45:15 > 0:45:17Anyway, I'm singing this little chorus -
0:45:17 > 0:45:20I'll tell you what I want you to do after. OK, off we go.
0:45:24 > 0:45:28# Down in Casey's Court they're what you'd call right into fashion
0:45:28 > 0:45:32# Down in Casey's Court they've got the greyhound racing passion
0:45:32 > 0:45:35# Someone cleared the boatyard out and made a racing track
0:45:35 > 0:45:37# And everybody entered dogs
0:45:37 > 0:45:39# Any dogs, many dogs
0:45:39 > 0:45:41# There were four-a-penny dogs
0:45:41 > 0:45:43# They were a comely pet
0:45:43 > 0:45:45# Dogs too thin, dogs too stout
0:45:45 > 0:45:47# Dogs with whiskers and without
0:45:47 > 0:45:49# And some went woof, some went yap
0:45:49 > 0:45:51# Some went bow-wow-wow
0:45:51 > 0:45:53# Dogs too long, dogs too short
0:45:53 > 0:45:55# Freaks of every shape and sort
0:45:55 > 0:45:57# And some went woof, some went yap
0:45:57 > 0:45:59# Some went bow-wow-wow
0:45:59 > 0:46:01# Their tails were short and thick
0:46:01 > 0:46:02# Some were long and thin
0:46:02 > 0:46:04# Some came too far out
0:46:04 > 0:46:06# Some went too far in
0:46:06 > 0:46:08# Pugs and pups, pings and pongs
0:46:08 > 0:46:10# Wagged their little tos and froms
0:46:10 > 0:46:12# And some went woof, some went yap
0:46:12 > 0:46:14# Some went bow-wow-wow. #
0:46:14 > 0:46:16That's it. Now, I'll tell you what I want you to do, playmates.
0:46:16 > 0:46:20I want you to imagine that this is a dog show
0:46:20 > 0:46:22and you're all little dogs.
0:46:22 > 0:46:24So we'll let the men do the woofing
0:46:24 > 0:46:27and we'll leave the yapping to the ladies, all right?
0:46:27 > 0:46:28Yeah!
0:46:28 > 0:46:31Then all together, bow-wow-wow.
0:46:31 > 0:46:35Gentlemen woof, ladies yap, then all together bow-wow-wow. You ready?
0:46:35 > 0:46:38- Yes, yes.- One, two, three, four.
0:46:38 > 0:46:40# Dogs too thin, dogs too stout
0:46:40 > 0:46:42# Dogs with whiskers and without
0:46:42 > 0:46:44- # And some went - Woof!
0:46:44 > 0:46:45- # Some went - Yap!
0:46:45 > 0:46:47- # Some went - Bow-wow-wow!
0:46:47 > 0:46:49# Dogs too long, dogs too short
0:46:49 > 0:46:51# Freaks of every shape and sort
0:46:51 > 0:46:53- # And some went - Woof!
0:46:53 > 0:46:54- # Some went - Yap!
0:46:54 > 0:46:56- # Some went - Bow-wow-wow!
0:46:56 > 0:46:58# Their tails were short and thick
0:46:58 > 0:47:00# Some were long and thin
0:47:00 > 0:47:03# Some came too far out
0:47:03 > 0:47:05# Some went too far in
0:47:05 > 0:47:07# Pugs and pups, pings and pongs
0:47:07 > 0:47:09# Wagged their little tos and froms
0:47:09 > 0:47:11- # And some went - Woof!
0:47:11 > 0:47:12- # Some went - Yap!
0:47:12 > 0:47:14- # Some went - Bow-wow-wow! #
0:47:14 > 0:47:17Very, good, very good! But you know...
0:47:18 > 0:47:19Thank you.
0:47:22 > 0:47:26Do you know, playmates, when I was a little boy, I never had a dog.
0:47:26 > 0:47:28- Aww.- Aww.
0:47:28 > 0:47:30- And do you know why?- No.
0:47:31 > 0:47:35# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow
0:47:35 > 0:47:37# Bow-wow
0:47:37 > 0:47:40# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow
0:47:40 > 0:47:42# Bow-wow
0:47:42 > 0:47:44# I've got a little cat
0:47:44 > 0:47:46# And I'm very fond of that
0:47:46 > 0:47:52# But I'd rather have a bow-wow-wow. #
0:47:52 > 0:47:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:48:09 > 0:48:11Now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:48:11 > 0:48:13there's just time to ask Mr Arthur Askey and Ms Eartha Kitt
0:48:13 > 0:48:15to lead you in the last chorus for tonight,
0:48:15 > 0:48:16Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:48:16 > 0:48:19Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Arthur Askey, Ms Eartha Kitt,
0:48:19 > 0:48:23the entire company, Mr Bernard Hammond, the entire orchestra.
0:48:23 > 0:48:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:48:26 > 0:48:30- And this time, chiefly... - Yourselves!
0:48:34 > 0:48:38# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:48:38 > 0:48:40# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:48:40 > 0:48:41# Da, da, da, da, da
0:48:41 > 0:48:45# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:48:45 > 0:48:47# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:48:48 > 0:48:50# Hear the little German band
0:48:50 > 0:48:52# Da, da, da, da, da
0:48:52 > 0:48:55# Just let me hold your hand dear
0:48:55 > 0:48:59# Come, come, come and have a drink or two
0:48:59 > 0:49:02# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:49:02 > 0:49:04# Bush, Bush! #
0:49:04 > 0:49:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING