0:00:05 > 0:00:10SINGING
0:00:47 > 0:00:51FANFARE PLAYS
0:00:51 > 0:00:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:02 > 0:01:05Once again...
0:01:05 > 0:01:06BOOING
0:01:06 > 0:01:10Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:10 > 0:01:13- ALL:- Good evening!
0:01:14 > 0:01:17My own...
0:01:18 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:20 > 0:01:21..prognosticatory...
0:01:21 > 0:01:24BOOING
0:01:24 > 0:01:26..predilection... BOOING
0:01:26 > 0:01:29..forplethorical...
0:01:29 > 0:01:32BOOING ..polysyllabification.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36BOOING AND JEERING
0:01:36 > 0:01:39Far too many long words...
0:01:39 > 0:01:41BOOING
0:01:41 > 0:01:46..normally precludes oversimplification, but TONIGHT...
0:01:46 > 0:01:51(The devil...) ..it's just Charlie...Drake!
0:01:51 > 0:01:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:03 > 0:02:05HE TUTS
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Hello, my darlings.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10- ALL:- Hello.
0:02:10 > 0:02:14Say it once more. Say it back to me. You ready? One, two, three.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18Hello, my darlings.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21- ALL:- Hello, Charlie.
0:02:21 > 0:02:22Beautiful.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26# When you're feeling sad and blue
0:02:26 > 0:02:29# And the job's too much for you
0:02:29 > 0:02:32# This is what you've got to do... Sing!
0:02:32 > 0:02:35- ALL:- # Hello, my darling!
0:02:35 > 0:02:37# Happiness is on its way
0:02:37 > 0:02:40# This is what you've gotta say
0:02:40 > 0:02:42# It's a happy day today...
0:02:42 > 0:02:43Sing!
0:02:43 > 0:02:46# Hello, my darling!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48# Wear a grin upon your sleeve
0:02:48 > 0:02:51# Smile and wink your eyes
0:02:51 > 0:02:54# You will find to your surprise
0:02:54 > 0:02:57# Happiness will multiply
0:02:57 > 0:02:59# Let it rain, let it shine
0:02:59 > 0:03:02# Everything will turn out fine
0:03:02 > 0:03:05# The whole darn world is yours and mine... Sing!
0:03:05 > 0:03:06# Hello
0:03:06 > 0:03:07# Hello
0:03:07 > 0:03:09# Hello
0:03:09 > 0:03:10# Hello
0:03:10 > 0:03:11# Hello
0:03:12 > 0:03:17# My darling! #
0:03:19 > 0:03:22Thank you. Thank you.
0:03:24 > 0:03:26Thank you. Thank you.
0:03:26 > 0:03:28One, two, three.
0:03:33 > 0:03:38# I gets up in the morning about a half past eight
0:03:38 > 0:03:40# I'm always punctual
0:03:40 > 0:03:41# Never, never late
0:03:41 > 0:03:44# With a nice cup of tea
0:03:44 > 0:03:46# A little round of toast
0:03:46 > 0:03:50# The Sporting Life and the Winning Post
0:03:50 > 0:03:52# I gets all nice and tidy
0:03:52 > 0:03:55# Then I toddles off to work
0:03:55 > 0:03:58# I do the best I can
0:03:58 > 0:04:03# Still I'm only a-doin' what a bloke should do
0:04:03 > 0:04:07- ALL:- # Cos I'm only a workin' man!
0:04:07 > 0:04:13# Yes, I'm only a-doin' what a bloke should do
0:04:13 > 0:04:18# Cos I'm only a-workin' man. #
0:04:18 > 0:04:21Thank you, thank you.
0:04:34 > 0:04:36- Good evening, sir.- You are late.
0:04:36 > 0:04:39LAUGHTER
0:04:39 > 0:04:43- Pardon?- You are late.- Yeah... - HE MUMBLES
0:04:43 > 0:04:45- What happened?- I got the sack.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47I know that, but why?
0:04:47 > 0:04:50Considering that you come from a long line of plumbers,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I should've thought you would've made a very good job
0:04:52 > 0:04:55- of being a plumber's mate.- I know.
0:04:57 > 0:04:59I was doing very well as the plumber's mate, you see,
0:04:59 > 0:05:03- until Fanny Pankhurst... - GIGGLING
0:05:03 > 0:05:07She was having a bath and she got her big toe stuck up the bath tap.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER What happened?
0:05:09 > 0:05:13Well, the guv'nor said to me, "Get round to Fanny Pankhurst's house,"
0:05:13 > 0:05:16he said. "There's something wrong with her tap," he said.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER
0:05:19 > 0:05:23- But he didn't mention that she had her big toe stuck up it?- No.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27Not a word, he just gave me a ball cock and a spanner...
0:05:27 > 0:05:29LAUGHTER
0:05:29 > 0:05:31..and said, "Get round there."
0:05:33 > 0:05:37Howsomever, I got round there and there's Fanny Pankhurst,
0:05:37 > 0:05:40lady in a bath, with her big toe stuck up a tap.
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- What was she doing?- Smiling.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45LAUGHTER
0:05:45 > 0:05:51Fanny Pankhurst was lying in a bath with her toe stuck up the tap
0:05:51 > 0:05:52and she was smiling?
0:05:52 > 0:05:55Yeah. And she said to me, "Do not be embarrassed, young man.
0:05:55 > 0:05:59"I keep on a-doin' it and innit a good job I like a lot of water?"
0:06:00 > 0:06:02- Then she screamed. - Why did she scream?
0:06:02 > 0:06:03I dropped me ball cock.
0:06:03 > 0:06:07LAUGHTER
0:06:07 > 0:06:10And it got tangled in the chain, pulled the tug out
0:06:10 > 0:06:12and all the water started going down.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18So, I turned the taps on to try and keep the water a decent level,
0:06:18 > 0:06:19then I trod on the soap and fell in.
0:06:21 > 0:06:25You fell in the bath with Fanny Pankhurst?
0:06:26 > 0:06:28Well, not exactly.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31Cos as I fell in, her big toe popped out
0:06:31 > 0:06:34and she rushed off hollering and screaming.
0:06:34 > 0:06:36- And then the phone rang.- The phone by the bath?- Mm-hm.
0:06:36 > 0:06:38Well, who was it?
0:06:38 > 0:06:40Her husband.
0:06:40 > 0:06:42"Who's that?" he said. Yeah.
0:06:42 > 0:06:44"Who's there?" he said.
0:06:48 > 0:06:50- "Charles Drake, casual labourer..." - HE TRAILS OFF
0:06:50 > 0:06:54LAUGHTER
0:06:54 > 0:06:57"What are you doing in my house?" He said, "What are you doing there?"
0:06:57 > 0:07:00I said, "I'm having a bath at the moment."
0:07:02 > 0:07:06- "Where's my wife?" he said. - LAUGHTER
0:07:06 > 0:07:09I said, "She was in here with me a minute ago."
0:07:13 > 0:07:17He thereupon let out a long string of expletives.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21Then he swore.
0:07:21 > 0:07:24And 20 minutes later, he come round and punch me in the eye.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26- 20 minutes later he punched you in the eye?- Yeah.
0:07:26 > 0:07:29Well, tell me, when you hung up the phone,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32why didn't you get to blazes out of there?
0:07:32 > 0:07:33- I couldn't, couldn't.- Why not?
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- I had me big toe stuck up... - LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Shall we sing?
0:07:45 > 0:07:48Well, I can't, but let's.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56# He gets up in the morning when the clock strikes eight
0:07:56 > 0:07:58# I'm always punctual
0:07:58 > 0:08:00# Never, never late
0:08:00 > 0:08:04# With a nice cup of tea and a little piece of toast
0:08:04 > 0:08:09# The Sporting Life and the Winning Post
0:08:09 > 0:08:11# He gets all nice and tidy
0:08:11 > 0:08:13# Then he toddles off to work
0:08:13 > 0:08:17# I do the best I can
0:08:17 > 0:08:21# Still he's only doing what a man should do
0:08:21 > 0:08:25- ALL:- # Cos I'm only a workin' man - Take it, Leonard.
0:08:25 > 0:08:32# Yes, he's doing what a man should do
0:08:32 > 0:08:33Beautiful.
0:08:33 > 0:08:38# Cos he's only a working man. #
0:08:55 > 0:09:00And now, ladies and gentlemen, we have youth at the helm
0:09:00 > 0:09:02and beauty at the prow.
0:09:02 > 0:09:07We give you for your agilitory accolade...
0:09:08 > 0:09:11We hope you will give a very, very warm welcome
0:09:11 > 0:09:14to a very young newcomer.
0:09:15 > 0:09:19An adolescent lark ascendant.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21Ms Cheryl Taylor.
0:09:29 > 0:09:32# Life is sweet and gay
0:09:32 > 0:09:34# All the world's a play
0:09:34 > 0:09:38# There are blossoms of sunbeams that glorify the day
0:09:38 > 0:09:41# And a gentle breeze wafting through the trees
0:09:41 > 0:09:46# Serenades me with music of tender melodies
0:09:46 > 0:09:48# Ah-ah-ah
0:09:48 > 0:09:49# Ah-ah-ah
0:09:49 > 0:09:52# Ah! Ha-ah-ha-ah
0:09:52 > 0:09:54# Life is sweet to me
0:09:54 > 0:09:56# So sweet and heavenly
0:09:56 > 0:10:00# Today, I'm falling in love with life
0:10:00 > 0:10:04# This is May time
0:10:04 > 0:10:06# Flowers in bloom
0:10:06 > 0:10:08# Banish the gloom
0:10:08 > 0:10:11# This is play time
0:10:11 > 0:10:16# Joy fills the air in the May time
0:10:16 > 0:10:18# Ha-ah-ah-ah
0:10:18 > 0:10:19# La-ha-ah
0:10:19 > 0:10:21# La-ah-ah-ah-ha-ha-ah
0:10:21 > 0:10:23# La-ah-ah-ah
0:10:23 > 0:10:25# La-ah-ah-ah
0:10:26 > 0:10:32# And my heart is so light and gay
0:10:32 > 0:10:35# Spring in my heart
0:10:35 > 0:10:38# Is forever and ever to be
0:10:38 > 0:10:42# And I'll sing to the birds
0:10:42 > 0:10:46# As they sing to me
0:10:46 > 0:10:48# Ha-ah-ah
0:10:48 > 0:10:49# Ha-ah-ha-ah
0:10:49 > 0:10:53# La-ah, la-ah, la-ah-ah-ha
0:10:53 > 0:10:56# Spring with its song
0:10:56 > 0:11:00# Will forevermore be part of my heart
0:11:01 > 0:11:09# Ah...
0:11:09 > 0:11:12# Spring in my heart
0:11:12 > 0:11:16# Is forever and ever to be
0:11:16 > 0:11:19# And I'll sing to the birds
0:11:19 > 0:11:24# As the birds sing to me
0:11:24 > 0:11:25# Ha-ah-ah
0:11:25 > 0:11:27# Ha-ah-ah
0:11:27 > 0:11:31# Ha-ha-ah-ha-ha
0:11:31 > 0:11:34# Springtime and I will never part
0:11:34 > 0:11:37# Spring is in my heart, ah-ah-ah
0:11:40 > 0:11:42# Every day
0:11:42 > 0:11:45# I'll adore...
0:11:45 > 0:11:52# For evermore
0:11:52 > 0:11:59# Spring in my heart. #
0:12:19 > 0:12:20Wasn't...
0:12:20 > 0:12:23It wasn't very long ago that an American poet wrote,
0:12:23 > 0:12:27"Your youth is like a water-wetted stone,
0:12:27 > 0:12:30"bright with a beauty not its own."
0:12:30 > 0:12:36And now, ladies and gentlemen, in a paroxysmically...
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- AUDIENCE:- Ooh! - ..percussive...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41- AUDIENCE:- Ooh! - ..perpetration...
0:12:41 > 0:12:42- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:12:42 > 0:12:48..that assiduously sanctimonious sorority.
0:12:48 > 0:12:51I bet that's not your sister. LAUGHTER
0:12:51 > 0:12:54Ms Doreen Hermitage
0:12:54 > 0:12:59and Ms Stella Moray!
0:13:02 > 0:13:04- BOTH:- # I am saved, I am
0:13:04 > 0:13:06# I am saved, I am
0:13:06 > 0:13:09# I am S-A-V-E-D
0:13:09 > 0:13:11What's your hurry?
0:13:11 > 0:13:13# I am saved, I am
0:13:13 > 0:13:15- # I am saved... - You know I've got bad feet.
0:13:15 > 0:13:19# I am S-A-V-E-D
0:13:25 > 0:13:28# Behold in us two pious girls
0:13:28 > 0:13:30# We're very sanctified
0:13:30 > 0:13:31# La-la-la-la...
0:13:31 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:34 > 0:13:36# Since 12 months from this very day
0:13:36 > 0:13:37# We've never sinned
0:13:37 > 0:13:38# Nor lied
0:13:38 > 0:13:41# The path of goodness now we tread
0:13:41 > 0:13:43# And think it mighty grand
0:13:43 > 0:13:46# For we have joined the noble lot -
0:13:46 > 0:13:49# The hallelujah band
0:13:49 > 0:13:50# La-la-la-la
0:13:50 > 0:13:53SHE BEATS TAMBOURINE
0:13:53 > 0:13:56# They call me Happy Eliza
0:13:56 > 0:13:58# And me, Converted Jane
0:13:58 > 0:14:01# We've been so wicked in our time
0:14:01 > 0:14:03# We'll never be so again
0:14:03 > 0:14:05# So, won't you come and join us?
0:14:05 > 0:14:07# It's easily understood
0:14:07 > 0:14:09# We're hallelujah sisters
0:14:09 > 0:14:11# And we're bound to do you good
0:14:11 > 0:14:14# Yes, we're hallelujah sisters
0:14:14 > 0:14:16# And we're bound to do you good. #
0:14:16 > 0:14:18CYMBALS CRASH
0:14:28 > 0:14:31I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36# We...
0:14:36 > 0:14:39# Know that very good we are
0:14:39 > 0:14:40# But strangely to relate
0:14:40 > 0:14:42# Ah...
0:14:44 > 0:14:47# Although we're often deep in thought
0:14:47 > 0:14:48Oh, my head.
0:14:48 > 0:14:51# We don't forget the plate
0:14:51 > 0:14:53# For money, we can't do without
0:14:53 > 0:14:55# For nice things, we all crave
0:14:55 > 0:14:59# We tell you all we have such fun
0:14:59 > 0:15:01# As through the streets, we rave
0:15:01 > 0:15:05CYMBALS CRASH
0:15:05 > 0:15:07# They call me Happy Eliza
0:15:07 > 0:15:10# And me, Pervert...Converted Jane
0:15:10 > 0:15:13# We've been so wicked in our time... Psst!
0:15:13 > 0:15:14# Never to again
0:15:14 > 0:15:16# So, won't you come and join us?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18# It's easily understood
0:15:18 > 0:15:20# We're hallelujah sisters
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# And we're bound to do you good
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Go, girl, go! - # We're hallelujah sisters
0:15:24 > 0:15:26# And we're bound to do you good
0:15:26 > 0:15:30# Do you good... # I'm on the wrong foot.
0:15:30 > 0:15:32APPLAUSE
0:15:32 > 0:15:35You always are!
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# So, come my...
0:15:38 > 0:15:39Oh.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42- # So, come my...- Oh.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44After you.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46# So come, my noble brethren, come
0:15:46 > 0:15:48# And join our noble flock...
0:15:48 > 0:15:49# La-la-la
0:15:49 > 0:15:50Naughty, naughty.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52# It's not so bad as you may think
0:15:52 > 0:15:55# For we've a right good stock
0:15:55 > 0:15:56# Of buxom lassies
0:15:56 > 0:15:58# Young and fair
0:15:58 > 0:15:59Eh...
0:15:59 > 0:16:01# Not like big chumps of wood
0:16:01 > 0:16:05# But all are truly beautiful
0:16:05 > 0:16:08# And bound to do you good
0:16:08 > 0:16:10# They call me Happy Eliza
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# And me, Converted Jane
0:16:12 > 0:16:14# We've been so wicked in our time
0:16:14 > 0:16:16# We'll never be so again
0:16:16 > 0:16:18- # So won't you come and join us? - I can't do it.
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# It's easily understood
0:16:20 > 0:16:24# We're hallelujah sisters and we're bound to do you good... #
0:16:24 > 0:16:25It's funny I can't do it.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Mine are bigger than hers and I just can't do it.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Anyway, we'll see you on Sunday.
0:16:30 > 0:16:32God bless you.
0:16:32 > 0:16:35Very nice to see you. Thank you so much.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37Oh, dear.
0:16:39 > 0:16:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:50 > 0:16:55Epitomising the acme,
0:16:55 > 0:16:58the zenith, the apogee,
0:16:58 > 0:17:04the apotheosis of empathetic philosophising,
0:17:04 > 0:17:09who but your own Wilfred Pickles?
0:17:09 > 0:17:13APPLAUSE AND FANFARE
0:17:24 > 0:17:27- Now, don't laugh at my suit. - LAUGHTER
0:17:27 > 0:17:29You want to see what you look like down there.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31LAUGHTER
0:17:31 > 0:17:35- Leonard, I think you'd agree with me that...- I always agree with you.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38..one of the most popular forms of entertainment today
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- is the musical monologue...- Yes. - ..or recitation.- Yes.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44First of all, I'm going to do one, a short one,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46that I hope you've never heard.
0:17:46 > 0:17:49- Now we're a nation of dog lovers. I know you are.- Yeah.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52And this woman, Winifred Letts,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54she wrote this about her favourite dog.
0:17:54 > 0:17:58She really did love him. And he is Tim, an Irish terrier.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00And she says...
0:18:00 > 0:18:03Oh, it's wonderful dogs they're breeding now
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Small as a flea and as large as a cow
0:18:06 > 0:18:10But me old lad Tim, he'll never be bet
0:18:10 > 0:18:12By any dog that ever he met
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"Come on," says he, "For I'm not kilt yet"
0:18:16 > 0:18:19Do you notice the scars at the side of his ear
0:18:19 > 0:18:21The like of a Dublin fusilier?
0:18:21 > 0:18:25He's a massacree dog that knows no fear
0:18:25 > 0:18:29But he'd stick with me till his latest breath
0:18:29 > 0:18:32And he'd go with me to the gates of death
0:18:32 > 0:18:34And wait for a thousand years maybe
0:18:34 > 0:18:37Scratching the door and whining for me
0:18:37 > 0:18:41If myself were inside in purgatory
0:18:41 > 0:18:45So, I laugh when I hear men make it plain
0:18:45 > 0:18:48That dogs and men never meet again
0:18:48 > 0:18:51For all their talk, who'd listen to them?
0:18:51 > 0:18:55With the soul in the shining eyes of him
0:18:55 > 0:18:59Would God be wasting a dog like Tim?
0:18:59 > 0:19:03APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:12Well, now, Leonard, the monologue. I bet you know it.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15Philosophy, as I said.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18And I think if we all took notice of the words of this,
0:19:18 > 0:19:20written by Tom Bracken,
0:19:20 > 0:19:22the world would be a better place to live in,
0:19:22 > 0:19:25and it's called Not Understood.
0:19:27 > 0:19:33Not understood, we move along asunder
0:19:33 > 0:19:38Our path grows wider as the seasons creep along the years
0:19:38 > 0:19:43We marvel and we wonder why life is life
0:19:43 > 0:19:48And then we fall asleep not understood
0:19:48 > 0:19:52Not understood, we gather false impressions
0:19:52 > 0:19:56And hug them closer as the years go by
0:19:56 > 0:20:00Till virtues often seem to us transgressions
0:20:00 > 0:20:05And thus men rise and fall and live and die
0:20:05 > 0:20:08Not understood
0:20:08 > 0:20:10Not understood
0:20:10 > 0:20:13Poor souls with stunted vision
0:20:13 > 0:20:18Oft measure giants by their narrow gauge
0:20:18 > 0:20:22The poisoned shafts of falsehood and derision
0:20:22 > 0:20:26Is oft impelled on those who mould the age
0:20:27 > 0:20:30Not understood
0:20:30 > 0:20:31Not understood
0:20:31 > 0:20:33The secret springs of action
0:20:33 > 0:20:37That lie between the surface and the show are disregarded
0:20:37 > 0:20:42With self-satisfaction we judge our neighbours
0:20:42 > 0:20:44And they often go
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Not understood.
0:20:47 > 0:20:48Not understood.
0:20:48 > 0:20:50How trifles often change us
0:20:50 > 0:20:54The thoughtless question or the fancied slight
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Destroy long years of friendship and estrange us
0:20:58 > 0:21:03And on our souls there falls a freezing blight
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Not understood
0:21:06 > 0:21:07Not understood
0:21:07 > 0:21:12How many souls are aching for lack of sympathy
0:21:12 > 0:21:14Aye, day by day
0:21:14 > 0:21:18How many cheerless, lonely hearts are breaking
0:21:18 > 0:21:21How many noble spirits pass away
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Not understood.
0:21:24 > 0:21:25Oh, God
0:21:25 > 0:21:28That men would see a little clearer
0:21:28 > 0:21:33Or judge less harshly where they cannot see
0:21:33 > 0:21:34Oh, God
0:21:34 > 0:21:38That men would draw a little nearer to one another
0:21:38 > 0:21:40They'd be nearer Thee
0:21:40 > 0:21:43And understood.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46APPLAUSE
0:21:49 > 0:21:52FANFARE
0:22:04 > 0:22:07A fan faranade...
0:22:07 > 0:22:09- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:22:09 > 0:22:10French.
0:22:10 > 0:22:15..from Mr Bernard Herrmann and his frenzied affiliates.
0:22:15 > 0:22:18APPLAUSE
0:22:18 > 0:22:23For mellifluousness made ineffably manifest,
0:22:23 > 0:22:25ladies and gentlemen,
0:22:25 > 0:22:29yet another final farewell performance
0:22:29 > 0:22:33from those final farewell performers ad infinitum.
0:22:33 > 0:22:37Once again, the Bancrofts!
0:22:37 > 0:22:41FANFARE AND APPLAUSE
0:22:43 > 0:22:47# Arcady, Arcady
0:22:47 > 0:22:50# Is ever... #
0:22:50 > 0:22:53LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:59- Desiree! If... - LAUGHTER
0:22:59 > 0:23:03Would you mind...? Desiree! Ethel!
0:23:03 > 0:23:06You're off! Where the hell are you?
0:23:06 > 0:23:08# Arcady
0:23:08 > 0:23:15- BOTH:- # Arcady is ever young
0:23:15 > 0:23:18APPLAUSE
0:23:18 > 0:23:23# In Arcady life flows along as careless as the shepherd's song
0:23:23 > 0:23:29# That Strephon pipes along the lea In Arcady, in Arcady!
0:23:29 > 0:23:34# In Arcady life trips along as lightsome as a pixy throng
0:23:34 > 0:23:37# Who sport beneath the greenwood tree
0:23:37 > 0:23:41# In Arcady, in Arcady
0:23:41 > 0:23:44# In Arcady
0:23:44 > 0:23:48# In Arcady
0:23:52 > 0:23:55# Drone of bees amid the flowers
0:23:55 > 0:23:57# Heralding the summer noon
0:23:57 > 0:24:00# Songs of birds amid the bowers
0:24:00 > 0:24:03# Litany of joyous June
0:24:03 > 0:24:05- # Hush - Hush?
0:24:05 > 0:24:07# And murmur of the leaves
0:24:07 > 0:24:09# As the zephyr comes and goes
0:24:09 > 0:24:11# Green and gold of ripening sheaves
0:24:11 > 0:24:16# Sailing clouds of pearl and rose
0:24:16 > 0:24:18# The heart to love
0:24:18 > 0:24:20# The eye to see
0:24:20 > 0:24:26# These are the joys of Arcady!
0:24:26 > 0:24:30- LAUGHTER - # Crimson splendour of the west
0:24:30 > 0:24:32# Glamour of the twilight-tide
0:24:32 > 0:24:34- It's caught! It's caught! - # Evening...
0:24:34 > 0:24:37- Pardon?- That's my bag! Oh!
0:24:37 > 0:24:41# In Arcady life flows along as careless as the shepherd's song
0:24:41 > 0:24:43# That Strephon pipes along the lea
0:24:43 > 0:24:45# In Arcady
0:24:45 > 0:24:46- # In Ar - # Ca
0:24:46 > 0:24:48# Dy
0:24:48 > 0:24:51# In Arcady life trips along as lightsome as a pixy throng
0:24:51 > 0:24:53# Who sport beneath the greenwood tree
0:24:53 > 0:24:56# In Arcady, in Arcady
0:24:56 > 0:24:57# In Arcady
0:24:57 > 0:25:04# In Arcady. #
0:25:04 > 0:25:06APPLAUSE
0:25:12 > 0:25:18# Moon, Moon, mischief-making Moon
0:25:18 > 0:25:23# What are you doing there?
0:25:23 > 0:25:28# You seem like a fairy dream
0:25:28 > 0:25:33# Up in the midnight air
0:25:33 > 0:25:38# When I look at you I always know
0:25:38 > 0:25:44# You will shoot me with your silver bow
0:25:44 > 0:25:49# Just as soon as the daylight's gone
0:25:49 > 0:25:57# Well, it's then I feel a foolish sort of feeling coming on
0:25:59 > 0:26:02# I'm such a silly when the moon comes out
0:26:02 > 0:26:05# I hardly seem to know what I'm about
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- # Skipping - # Hopping
0:26:07 > 0:26:08# Never, never stopping
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# I can't keep still, although I try
0:26:11 > 0:26:14# I'm all a-quiver when the moonbeams glance
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# That is the moment when I long to dance
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- # I can - # Never
0:26:19 > 0:26:20# Close a sleepy eye
0:26:20 > 0:26:24# When the moon comes creeping up the sky
0:26:24 > 0:26:28# I'm such a silly when the moon comes out
0:26:28 > 0:26:33# She hardly seems to know what she's about
0:26:33 > 0:26:34- # Skipping - Ah!
0:26:34 > 0:26:35- # Hopping - Ah!
0:26:35 > 0:26:37- # Never, never stopping - Achoo!
0:26:37 > 0:26:38# I can't keep still, although I try
0:26:38 > 0:26:40# She tries hard but can't
0:26:40 > 0:26:42# I'm all a-quiver when the moonbeams glance
0:26:42 > 0:26:45# That is the moment when I long to dance
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# I can never close a sleepy eye
0:26:48 > 0:26:50# When the moon comes creeping up
0:26:50 > 0:26:51# The moon comes creeping up
0:26:51 > 0:26:54# The moon comes creeping up the sky. #
0:26:54 > 0:26:56APPLAUSE
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I used to have a bigger handkerchief but it shrunk.
0:27:16 > 0:27:21From Cardiff, the colic conviviality
0:27:21 > 0:27:24and the longitudenaly...
0:27:24 > 0:27:26- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:27:26 > 0:27:29..libidinous...
0:27:29 > 0:27:34luminosity of Miss Lorne Lesley.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37APPLAUSE AND FANFARE
0:27:47 > 0:27:51# There's a boy I'm mad about
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# And he always takes me out
0:27:54 > 0:27:56# I hug him
0:27:56 > 0:27:58# I squeeze him
0:27:58 > 0:28:03# I tease him so
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# And we always can be found
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# When there's no-one else around
0:28:09 > 0:28:11# Do we cuddle?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13# Do we pet?
0:28:13 > 0:28:16# You ain't seen nothing yet
0:28:19 > 0:28:21# I love him
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# In the morning
0:28:23 > 0:28:27# And I love him at night
0:28:27 > 0:28:29# I love him
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# Yes, I love him
0:28:31 > 0:28:35# When the stars are shining bright
0:28:35 > 0:28:38# I love him in the springtime
0:28:38 > 0:28:42# And I love him in the fall
0:28:42 > 0:28:46# But last night on the back porch
0:28:46 > 0:28:50# I loved him best of all
0:29:03 > 0:29:06# Every time that we're alone
0:29:06 > 0:29:10# I just call him on the phone
0:29:10 > 0:29:12# I hurry
0:29:12 > 0:29:13# I scurry
0:29:13 > 0:29:16# I worry so
0:29:18 > 0:29:21# I'm afraid that I might see
0:29:21 > 0:29:24# Someone there in place of me
0:29:24 > 0:29:28# If I lost him, what a blow
0:29:28 > 0:29:35- # I love him, oh, oh, oh! - LAUGHTER
0:29:35 > 0:29:39# I love him in the morning
0:29:39 > 0:29:43# And I love him at night
0:29:43 > 0:29:45# I love him
0:29:45 > 0:29:47# Yes, I love him
0:29:47 > 0:29:50# When the stars are shining bright
0:29:50 > 0:29:54# I love him in the springtime
0:29:54 > 0:29:58# And I love him in the fall
0:29:58 > 0:30:02# But last night on the back porch
0:30:02 > 0:30:06# I loved him best of all
0:30:06 > 0:30:10# I love him in the morning
0:30:10 > 0:30:13# I love him at night
0:30:13 > 0:30:15# I love him
0:30:15 > 0:30:17# Yes, I love him
0:30:17 > 0:30:21# When the stars are shining bright
0:30:21 > 0:30:24# I love him in the springtime
0:30:24 > 0:30:28# And I love him in the fall
0:30:28 > 0:30:32# But last night on the back porch
0:30:32 > 0:30:34# I loved him
0:30:34 > 0:30:42# Best of all. #
0:30:56 > 0:30:59# I'm a typically English rosebud
0:30:59 > 0:31:02# Born of typically English stock
0:31:02 > 0:31:07# With a typically Anglo-Saxon family tree
0:31:07 > 0:31:13# I received my education in a typically English way
0:31:13 > 0:31:19# At a typically English girls' academy
0:31:22 > 0:31:25# I play typically English tennis
0:31:25 > 0:31:27# At my typically English club
0:31:27 > 0:31:33# With a typically English feeling for fair play
0:31:33 > 0:31:37# I eat typically English crumpet
0:31:37 > 0:31:40# For my typically English tea
0:31:40 > 0:31:46# At the end of every typically English day
0:31:46 > 0:31:51# Mummy and Daddy are typically English people
0:31:51 > 0:31:59# Love to sing the songs of yesterday
0:31:59 > 0:32:03# I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at 10.30
0:32:03 > 0:32:07# And saunter along like a toff
0:32:07 > 0:32:10# I walk down the Strand with my gloves in my hand
0:32:10 > 0:32:14# Then I walk up again with them off
0:32:14 > 0:32:18# I'm Bert, Bert, I haven't a shirt
0:32:18 > 0:32:22# But my people are well off you know?
0:32:22 > 0:32:26# Nearly everyone knows me from Smith to Lord Roseberry
0:32:26 > 0:32:29# I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow. #
0:32:31 > 0:32:34# And then he'd row, row, row
0:32:34 > 0:32:37# Way up the river he would row, row, row
0:32:37 > 0:32:39# A hug he'd give her
0:32:39 > 0:32:40# Then he'd kiss her now and then
0:32:40 > 0:32:41# She would tell him when
0:32:41 > 0:32:43# They'd fool around and fool around
0:32:43 > 0:32:45# And then he'd kiss again
0:32:45 > 0:32:47# And then they'd row, row, row
0:32:47 > 0:32:52# A little further he would row Oh-oh-oh
0:32:52 > 0:32:53# Then he'd drop both his oars
0:32:53 > 0:32:56# And take a few more encores
0:32:56 > 0:33:03# And then he'd row, row, row. #
0:33:06 > 0:33:12# When I go to typically English dances
0:33:17 > 0:33:22# So, if anyone cares to ask me
0:33:22 > 0:33:25# How I like this typically English life
0:33:25 > 0:33:31# I will tell them I've never been so... #
0:33:31 > 0:33:34Vertiginously extrapolate.
0:33:34 > 0:33:39- Vertiginously eh-eh...excraplanate. - Extrapolate, yes.
0:33:39 > 0:33:40# ..in my life. #
0:34:00 > 0:34:03# I know a millionaire
0:34:03 > 0:34:07# Who's burdened with a care
0:34:07 > 0:34:13# A load is on his mind
0:34:13 > 0:34:16# He's thinking of the day
0:34:16 > 0:34:20# When he must pass away
0:34:20 > 0:34:27# And leave his wealth behind
0:34:27 > 0:34:30# I haven't any gold
0:34:30 > 0:34:33# To leave when I grow old
0:34:33 > 0:34:39# Somehow it passed me by
0:34:39 > 0:34:46# I know I'm poor, but still I'll leave a precious will
0:34:46 > 0:34:52# When I must say goodbye
0:34:53 > 0:35:01# I'll leave the sunshine to the flowers
0:35:01 > 0:35:07# I'll leave the springtime to the trees
0:35:07 > 0:35:13# And to the old folks I'll leave the memories
0:35:13 > 0:35:19# Of a baby upon their knee
0:35:19 > 0:35:25# I'll leave the night-time to the dreamers
0:35:25 > 0:35:31# I'll leave the songbirds to the blind
0:35:31 > 0:35:35# I'll leave the moon above
0:35:35 > 0:35:38# To those in love
0:35:38 > 0:35:44# When I leave the world behind
0:35:44 > 0:35:51# When I leave the world behind
0:35:51 > 0:35:58# I'll leave the night-time to the dreamers
0:35:58 > 0:36:03# I'll leave the songbirds to the blind
0:36:03 > 0:36:07# I'll leave the moon above
0:36:07 > 0:36:11# To those in love
0:36:11 > 0:36:18# When I leave the world behind
0:36:18 > 0:36:33# When I leave the world behind. #
0:36:48 > 0:36:52And now for the irrefutably,
0:36:52 > 0:36:56frenetic phantasmagoria...
0:36:56 > 0:36:58- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:36:58 > 0:37:05..which is things moving across a screen of your own Charlie Drake!
0:37:05 > 0:37:08APPLAUSE
0:37:19 > 0:37:22AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:37:22 > 0:37:23BELL DINGS
0:37:27 > 0:37:31- BELL RINGS - 'Right. One bell jar - fragile.'
0:37:31 > 0:37:33GLASS SHATTERS
0:37:33 > 0:37:36AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:37:52 > 0:37:55GLASS CLATTERS
0:37:57 > 0:37:58GLASS CLATTERS
0:37:58 > 0:38:00FALLING WHISTLE
0:38:02 > 0:38:04OBJECTS CRASH AND CLATTER
0:38:07 > 0:38:11- CUCKOO CLOCK CHIMES - 'One table lamp - fragile.'
0:38:14 > 0:38:16AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:38:20 > 0:38:23AUDIENCE LAUGHS LOUDLY
0:38:37 > 0:38:39FALLING WHISTLE
0:38:41 > 0:38:43OBJECTS CRASH AND CLATTER
0:38:45 > 0:38:49- OK.- 'One object more - fragile.'
0:38:51 > 0:38:54- AUDIENCE:- Ohhh.
0:39:01 > 0:39:03AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:39:19 > 0:39:22METALLIC CLATTER
0:39:22 > 0:39:26CRASHING
0:39:26 > 0:39:28WOMAN SCREAMS SHRILLY
0:39:30 > 0:39:32- OK.- 'Tea set - fragile.'
0:39:36 > 0:39:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:50 > 0:39:52'Box of bricks.'
0:39:53 > 0:39:56AUDIENCE SHRIEKS AND LAUGHS
0:40:06 > 0:40:10- And next.- 'Half a tea service.'
0:40:17 > 0:40:19Send any other off.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Classic time here tonight...
0:40:29 > 0:40:32WARE CLATTERS
0:40:52 > 0:40:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:12 > 0:41:14AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:41:14 > 0:41:17FALLING WHISTLE
0:41:17 > 0:41:19CLATTER
0:41:21 > 0:41:24Drake, what are you doing here?
0:41:26 > 0:41:28- I'm just leaving, sir.- Just leaving?
0:41:28 > 0:41:32- Oh, my God, this is the end! - CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS
0:41:32 > 0:41:35APPLAUSE
0:41:49 > 0:41:51And, now, ladies and gentlemen, there's just time
0:41:51 > 0:41:53to ask Mr Charlie Drake and Mr Wilfred Pickles
0:41:53 > 0:41:56to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight -
0:41:56 > 0:41:58Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:41:58 > 0:42:02Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Charlie Drake, Mr Wilfred Pickles,
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire orchestra.
0:42:05 > 0:42:08AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:42:08 > 0:42:13- But this time, chiefly... ALL:- Yourselves.
0:42:16 > 0:42:19# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:42:19 > 0:42:22# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:42:22 > 0:42:23# Da-da-da-da-da
0:42:23 > 0:42:27# Come, come drink some port wine with me
0:42:27 > 0:42:29# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:42:31 > 0:42:35# Hear the little German Band Da-da-da-da-da
0:42:35 > 0:42:38# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:42:38 > 0:42:42# Come, come, come and have a drink or two
0:42:42 > 0:42:47# Down at the Old Bull and Bush Bush-bush. #
0:42:47 > 0:42:50CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS