0:00:07 > 0:00:11# My old man said follow the van
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# And don't dilly dally on the way
0:00:15 > 0:00:19# Off went the van wiv me 'ome packed in it
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# I followed on wiv me old cock linnet
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# I dillied and dallied, dallied and dillied
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Lost me way and don't know where to roam
0:00:31 > 0:00:35# Stopped on the way to have the old half-quartern
0:00:35 > 0:00:40# And I can't find my way 'ome. #
0:00:40 > 0:00:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:59 > 0:01:03Once again...
0:01:03 > 0:01:10Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- ALL:- Good evening.
0:01:12 > 0:01:17- Concomitantly corybantic...- ALL:- Oh! - ..dancing.
0:01:18 > 0:01:22With the Players' Theatre, Miss Jenny Wren.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26APPLAUSE
0:01:31 > 0:01:36# Put on your tat-ta little girlie
0:01:36 > 0:01:38# Do what I want you to
0:01:38 > 0:01:42# Far from the busy hurly burly
0:01:42 > 0:01:46# I've got lots to say to you
0:01:46 > 0:01:49# My head's completely twirly whirly
0:01:49 > 0:01:53# My girl I want you to be
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# So put on your tat-ta Your pretty little tat-ta
0:01:56 > 0:01:58# And come out a tat-ta
0:01:58 > 0:02:00# Come out a tat-ta
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# Yes, come out a tat-ta with me
0:02:02 > 0:02:10# I was a good little girl till I met you
0:02:12 > 0:02:16# You set my head in a whirl
0:02:16 > 0:02:20# My poor heart too
0:02:20 > 0:02:24# Oh, how you told me the tale
0:02:24 > 0:02:28# You always do
0:02:28 > 0:02:36# I was a good little girl till I met you
0:02:39 > 0:02:43# Josh-u-ah, Josh-u-ah
0:02:43 > 0:02:46# Why don't you call and see Mama
0:02:46 > 0:02:50# She'll be pleased to know
0:02:50 > 0:02:54# You are my best beau
0:02:54 > 0:02:58# Josh-u-ah, Josh-u-ah
0:02:58 > 0:03:01# Nicer than lemon squash you are
0:03:01 > 0:03:05# Yes, by gosh you are
0:03:05 > 0:03:09# Josh-u-osh-u-ah
0:03:15 > 0:03:21# I wonder why I always sigh the way I do
0:03:21 > 0:03:25# And now it seems that all my dreams are all of you
0:03:27 > 0:03:31# You used to be so nice to me in days gone by
0:03:31 > 0:03:36# But all that now has changed somehow
0:03:36 > 0:03:41# I wonder why
0:03:41 > 0:03:47# You called me Baby Doll a year ago
0:03:50 > 0:03:55# You told me I was very nice to know
0:03:56 > 0:04:00# I soon learned what love was
0:04:00 > 0:04:04# I thought I knew
0:04:04 > 0:04:11# But all I've learned has only taught me how to love you
0:04:13 > 0:04:19# You made me think you loved me in return
0:04:19 > 0:04:26# Don't tell me you were fooling after all
0:04:26 > 0:04:30# For if you go away
0:04:30 > 0:04:35# You'll be sorry someday
0:04:35 > 0:04:43# You left behind a broken doll
0:04:47 > 0:04:52# You called me Baby Doll a year ago
0:04:52 > 0:04:55# Year ago, year ago, year ago
0:04:55 > 0:05:00# You told me I was very nice to know
0:05:00 > 0:05:03# Nice to know, nice to know, nice to know
0:05:03 > 0:05:07# I soon learned what love was
0:05:07 > 0:05:11# I thought I knew
0:05:11 > 0:05:17# But all I've learned has only taught me how to love you
0:05:17 > 0:05:23# You made me think you loved me in return
0:05:23 > 0:05:27# In return, in return, in return
0:05:27 > 0:05:34# Don't tell me you were fooling after all
0:05:34 > 0:05:38# For if you go away
0:05:38 > 0:05:42# You'll be sorry someday
0:05:42 > 0:05:50# You left behind a broken doll
0:05:51 > 0:05:58# Jere-Jeremiah, my heart is on fire
0:05:58 > 0:06:01# Play again that sweet refrain
0:06:01 > 0:06:05# Um-tarara, um-tarara
0:06:05 > 0:06:12# Jere-Jeremiah, it's the finest tune I've known
0:06:12 > 0:06:14# Rag it, rag it
0:06:14 > 0:06:19# Zig, zigzag it on your Ragtime trombone
0:06:20 > 0:06:26# Jere-Jeremiah, my heart is on fire
0:06:26 > 0:06:29# Play again that sweet refrain
0:06:29 > 0:06:33# Um-tarara, um-tarara
0:06:33 > 0:06:40# Jere-Jeremiah, it's the finest tune I've known
0:06:40 > 0:06:42# Rag it, rag it
0:06:42 > 0:06:44# Zig, zigzag it
0:06:44 > 0:06:46# On the Ragtime
0:06:46 > 0:06:49# Ra-ra-ra-ra Ragtime...
0:06:49 > 0:06:53# Ra-ra-ra-ra Ragtime...
0:06:53 > 0:06:58# Trombone. #
0:06:58 > 0:07:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:15 > 0:07:19Ladies and gentlemen, polyglottally...
0:07:19 > 0:07:22AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:07:23 > 0:07:28For your gratification, Mr John Bouchier.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:35 > 0:07:37Thank you very much indeed, Mr Chairman
0:07:37 > 0:07:39for that very nice introduction.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Very nice? You didn't understand a word of it!
0:07:41 > 0:07:42LAUGHTER
0:07:42 > 0:07:44- Yes, I did.- Well, I didn't.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46That's because you're not very well educated
0:07:46 > 0:07:49and without education you'll never be able to work.
0:07:49 > 0:07:53I was working all last summer. I was a lifeguard on the beach all summer.
0:07:53 > 0:07:54- Oh!- Saving the girls.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56- What for?- The winter.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58LAUGHTER
0:07:58 > 0:08:00- What's that thing?- That's got nothing whatever to do with you,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03but as you mention it, I'd like to show the ladies and gentleman.
0:08:03 > 0:08:05You sit down for a bit and I'll show them.
0:08:05 > 0:08:08In fact, you sit over here like this. That's the idea.
0:08:08 > 0:08:09You just sit there.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13And you can turn your head round like that. Good.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:19A little girl came up to me and said, "Would you do me a favour?"
0:08:19 > 0:08:22I said certainly. She said, "Could you mend my dolly for me?"
0:08:22 > 0:08:25I said, "Yes, if you've got the parts". So she gave me the body.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27I said, is there any more? She said, "No."
0:08:27 > 0:08:29I thought, well, it needs a head so I got a sort of a tennis ball,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32cut it in half, painted it so it would look like a face
0:08:32 > 0:08:36and placed it on the back of my hand like this with a piece of elastic.
0:08:36 > 0:08:37HE COUGHS
0:08:37 > 0:08:39- Excuse me. - HE COUGHS
0:08:39 > 0:08:42- My throat needs clearing. - Needs cutting!
0:08:42 > 0:08:45LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:50- That wasn't very polite. - No, but it was sincere.
0:08:50 > 0:08:52LAUGHTER
0:08:52 > 0:08:54I said, "How's that?" She said, "That's fine."
0:08:54 > 0:08:59APPLAUSE
0:09:00 > 0:09:02- Hello, Andy.- Hello.
0:09:02 > 0:09:05- How are you? - Very well, thank you.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09Good, I'm very pleased to hear that. Tell me, do you go to school?
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- I go to two schools. - Oh, two schools.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13- Weekday school.- Yeah. - And Sunday school.
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Oh, and which school do you like best?- Sunday school.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19- Why is that? - Only go once a week.
0:09:19 > 0:09:21LAUGHTER
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- Do you mind if I smoke?- Don't care if you burn.- Well that's very...
0:09:24 > 0:09:26LAUGHTER
0:09:26 > 0:09:30That's nice coming from a little boy. Tell me, how old are you?
0:09:30 > 0:09:33- Four years old.- Four years old and you say something like that.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- When will you be five? - On my birthday.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:40- Do you mind if I smoke?- No, can I smoke?- No, you're too young.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43A little boy like you should be learning to sing, not smoke.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45- Can you sing? - I can do the scales.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47All right, do the scales for me.
0:09:47 > 0:09:51# Do re mi fa so la ti do.
0:09:51 > 0:09:53That's not bad, but you must learn to hold a note.
0:09:53 > 0:09:57- Could you hold a note?- Certainly. - How long for?- As long as you can.
0:09:59 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:02Well, I...
0:10:02 > 0:10:05APPLAUSE
0:10:05 > 0:10:07I tell you what, we'll have a little practice,
0:10:07 > 0:10:09see if you can hold a note for everybody here.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- Now?- Yes, now.- OK.
0:10:13 > 0:10:21LONG, HIGH-PITCHED NOTE
0:10:22 > 0:10:29NOTE DESCENDS
0:10:29 > 0:10:31- OK?- That's fine.
0:10:31 > 0:10:38APPLAUSE
0:10:38 > 0:10:41- Listen, what have you been doing today?- I went fishing.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43- Did you catch anything?- Caught something you've never seen before.
0:10:43 > 0:10:47Can you bring that fish on I caught this afternoon, please?
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Here she comes.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51AUDIENCE: Oh!
0:10:51 > 0:10:53Lovely. Thank you very much. Get a few chips.
0:10:53 > 0:10:58- We can have a little fish supper after.- This is fantastic, isn't it?
0:10:58 > 0:11:03Very nice indeed, yeah. 36, 24 and three and six a pound.
0:11:03 > 0:11:06LAUGHTER
0:11:06 > 0:11:08- Where did you find it? - I didn't. I'm still looking for it.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10I can't find it.
0:11:13 > 0:11:15I think you're very lovely.
0:11:15 > 0:11:16Mmm!
0:11:18 > 0:11:19But I think you have to go back.
0:11:19 > 0:11:22- Tell me, did you have a mother and father?- No.- No.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24No, she's an act of cod.
0:11:24 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:30And thereby hangs a tale and all!
0:11:30 > 0:11:34- John?- Yes. - I like you.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37- Oh, thank you very much.- I think you're rather good-looking.
0:11:39 > 0:11:43- Oh! Now, you're only saying that! - No, you're saying it, mate!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45LAUGHTER
0:11:45 > 0:11:47He's the only one who does and all, aren't you?
0:11:47 > 0:11:50- I also like the chairman. - You like the chairman?
0:11:50 > 0:11:53AUDIENCE: Whoa!
0:11:53 > 0:11:57- What's his name? - His name is Leonard.- Leonard.
0:12:00 > 0:12:01No, not Leonard.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05LAUGHTER
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Just Leonard.
0:12:07 > 0:12:09Leh-nerd.
0:12:09 > 0:12:10LAUGHTER
0:12:10 > 0:12:13- Has she got a bone in her throat or something?- I don't know.
0:12:13 > 0:12:14I think it's your fault really
0:12:14 > 0:12:17because you're ven-treacle-twist, aren't you?
0:12:19 > 0:12:23- I'm a ventriloquist. - Ven-trickle-ist.
0:12:23 > 0:12:25Ventriloquist!
0:12:25 > 0:12:28How come she can say it and I can't?
0:12:28 > 0:12:29LAUGHTER
0:12:29 > 0:12:32I really have no idea, but I think we've all said too much already
0:12:32 > 0:12:34so I'd like you to say goodnight to everybody.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36From me, Charlie, goodnight.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37From me, goodnight, Mr Chairman.
0:12:37 > 0:12:39And from me, John Bouchier,
0:12:39 > 0:12:41goodnight and thank you very much indeed.
0:12:41 > 0:12:49APPLAUSE
0:12:54 > 0:13:00Ladies, the very glass of fashion and the mould of form,
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Mr Barry Kent.
0:13:02 > 0:13:08APPLAUSE
0:13:11 > 0:13:14ORCHESTRA PLAYS
0:13:14 > 0:13:22SINGS LONG OPERATIC NOTE
0:13:25 > 0:13:27# Aye!
0:13:27 > 0:13:33# If I catch Alphonso Spagoni, the Toreador
0:13:33 > 0:13:38# With a mighty swipe I will dislocate his bally jaw!
0:13:40 > 0:13:42# I'll find this bullfighter, I will
0:13:42 > 0:13:44# And if I catch the bounder
0:13:44 > 0:13:45# The blighter I'll kill
0:13:45 > 0:13:47# He shall die! (He shall die!)
0:13:47 > 0:13:49# He shall die (He shall die)
0:13:49 > 0:13:52# He shall die-di-di-di-di!
0:13:52 > 0:13:54# He shall die!
0:13:54 > 0:13:57# He shall die!
0:13:57 > 0:14:00# For I'll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion
0:14:00 > 0:14:03# If I catch him bending tonight!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10# I tracked him to London
0:14:10 > 0:14:12# But he gave me the slip once again
0:14:14 > 0:14:17# And they told me this morning
0:14:17 > 0:14:20# That he'd doubled and gone back to Spain
0:14:22 > 0:14:25# But whatever it costs me I'll catch him
0:14:25 > 0:14:29# Then no more will he give me the slip
0:14:29 > 0:14:32# With my last one and nine pence
0:14:32 > 0:14:34# I'm going on Sunday
0:14:34 > 0:14:37# To Spain on a no-return trip
0:14:38 > 0:14:40Are you ready?
0:14:40 > 0:14:41# Oh, yes!
0:14:42 > 0:14:45AUDIENCE: Oh, no!
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Ladies and gentlemen, remember where you are.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49A nice "refeened" one!
0:14:50 > 0:14:52# Oh, yes!
0:14:52 > 0:14:56# (Oh, no!)
0:14:56 > 0:15:01# And then the dark deed will be du-uh-uh
0:15:01 > 0:15:03HIGH NOTE: # Done!
0:15:03 > 0:15:09# If I catch Alphonso Spagoni, the toreador
0:15:09 > 0:15:14# With one mighty swipe I will dislocate his bally jaw!
0:15:16 > 0:15:19# I'll find that bullfighter, I will
0:15:19 > 0:15:20# And if I catch the bounder
0:15:20 > 0:15:23# The blighter I'll kill He shall die!
0:15:23 > 0:15:27# He shall die! He shall die tiddly-i-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti-ti!
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# He shall die! He shall die!
0:15:33 > 0:15:37# For I'll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion
0:15:37 > 0:15:40# If I catch him bending tonight!
0:15:40 > 0:15:42# Oh, I'll raise a bunion on his Spanish onion
0:15:42 > 0:15:43# If I catch him bending tonight!
0:15:43 > 0:15:45# Ole!
0:15:45 > 0:15:51APPLAUSE
0:16:01 > 0:16:06# There's a little brown road
0:16:06 > 0:16:10# Windin' over the hill
0:16:10 > 0:16:18# To a little white cot by the sea
0:16:18 > 0:16:25# There's a little green gate
0:16:25 > 0:16:32# At whose trellis I wait
0:16:32 > 0:16:37# While two eyes o' blue
0:16:37 > 0:16:45# Come smilin' through at me
0:16:48 > 0:16:56# There's a grey lock or two in the gold of her hair
0:16:56 > 0:17:03# There's some silver in mine too, I see
0:17:03 > 0:17:10# But in all the long years
0:17:10 > 0:17:17# When the clouds brought their tears
0:17:17 > 0:17:22# Those two eyes o' blue
0:17:22 > 0:17:30# Kept smilin' through at me
0:17:34 > 0:17:42# And if ever I'm left in this world all alone
0:17:42 > 0:17:48# I shall wait for my call patiently
0:17:50 > 0:17:57# And if heaven be kind
0:17:57 > 0:18:04# I shall wait there to find
0:18:04 > 0:18:09# Those two eyes o' blue
0:18:09 > 0:18:15# Still smilin' through
0:18:15 > 0:18:22# At me. #
0:18:23 > 0:18:28APPLAUSE
0:18:39 > 0:18:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:45 > 0:18:48From Denmark, for your multiple mystification...
0:18:49 > 0:18:54..Saxburger!
0:18:54 > 0:19:00APPLAUSE
0:19:10 > 0:19:12CROWD: Awww!
0:19:13 > 0:19:15CROWD: URGH!
0:19:32 > 0:19:35APPLAUSE
0:19:44 > 0:19:47LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:56APPLAUSE
0:20:24 > 0:20:32APPLAUSE
0:21:03 > 0:21:07APPLAUSE
0:21:13 > 0:21:17APPLAUSE
0:21:57 > 0:21:59APPLAUSE
0:22:08 > 0:22:11APPLAUSE
0:22:20 > 0:22:22LAUGHTER
0:22:42 > 0:22:47APPLAUSE
0:23:00 > 0:23:02CROWD: Awww!
0:23:20 > 0:23:23CROWD: Awww!
0:23:41 > 0:23:43APPLAUSE
0:23:59 > 0:24:03APPLAUSE
0:24:10 > 0:24:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:26 > 0:24:31APPLAUSE
0:24:44 > 0:24:47APPLAUSE
0:24:47 > 0:24:49CROWD GASP
0:24:49 > 0:24:52APPLAUSE
0:24:52 > 0:25:00MUSIC: The Colonel Bogey March
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Super abundantly!
0:25:11 > 0:25:16Stimulant of sybaritic susceptibilities.
0:25:17 > 0:25:25Superlatively soaring in sentimental sumptuousness.
0:25:26 > 0:25:27Your own...
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Your very, very own...
0:25:30 > 0:25:33Miss Lyn Kennington.
0:25:33 > 0:25:41APPLAUSE
0:25:41 > 0:25:49# Falling in love with love is falling for make believe
0:25:49 > 0:25:55# Falling in love with love is playing a fool
0:25:55 > 0:26:01# Caring too much is such a juvenile fancy
0:26:01 > 0:26:09# Learning to trust is just for children in school
0:26:09 > 0:26:16# I fell in love with love one night when the moon was full
0:26:16 > 0:26:23# I was unwise with eyes unable to see
0:26:23 > 0:26:30# I fell in love with love With love everlasting
0:26:30 > 0:26:36# But love fell out with me
0:26:43 > 0:26:51# I'll be always loving you
0:26:51 > 0:26:59# So there will be no time for tears
0:27:00 > 0:27:08# Just keep remembering the love we knew
0:27:09 > 0:27:17# The secret happiness I shared with you
0:27:20 > 0:27:27# I'll be always loving you
0:27:27 > 0:27:35# Through all the days that turn to eves
0:27:35 > 0:27:42# For as long as I live
0:27:42 > 0:27:46# For as long as I love
0:27:46 > 0:27:54# I will always be loving you... #
0:27:54 > 0:28:00APPLAUSE
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# Falling in love. #
0:28:06 > 0:28:09# Falling in love
0:28:09 > 0:28:11# I fell in love with love
0:28:11 > 0:28:15# With love everlasting
0:28:15 > 0:28:23# But love fell out with me. #
0:28:26 > 0:28:33APPLAUSE
0:28:43 > 0:28:46# The roses each one
0:28:46 > 0:28:49# Met with the sun
0:28:49 > 0:28:55# Sweetheart when I met you
0:28:55 > 0:28:59# The sunshine has fled
0:28:59 > 0:29:04# The roses were dead
0:29:04 > 0:29:10# Sweetheart when I lost you
0:29:13 > 0:29:20# I lost the sunshine and roses
0:29:20 > 0:29:28# I lost the heavens of blue
0:29:28 > 0:29:35# I lost the beautiful rainbow
0:29:35 > 0:29:43# I lost the morning dew
0:29:43 > 0:29:51# I lost the angel who gave me
0:29:51 > 0:29:59# Summer the whole winter through
0:29:59 > 0:30:07# I lost the gladness that turned into sadness
0:30:07 > 0:30:14# When I lost you
0:30:16 > 0:30:24# I lost the sunshine and roses
0:30:24 > 0:30:31# I lost the heavens of blue
0:30:31 > 0:30:38# I lost the beautiful rainbows
0:30:38 > 0:30:45# I lost the morning dew
0:30:45 > 0:30:52# I lost the angel who gave me
0:30:52 > 0:30:59# Sunshine the whole winter through
0:30:59 > 0:31:07# I lost the gladness that turned into sadness
0:31:07 > 0:31:15# When I lost you. #
0:31:16 > 0:31:19APPLAUSE
0:31:39 > 0:31:42- Cyclonically... - AUDIENCE CHEER
0:31:42 > 0:31:46..seismographic,
0:31:46 > 0:31:51the one and only Mr Ken Dodd!
0:31:51 > 0:31:53CHEERING
0:31:56 > 0:31:58KEN SHOUTS
0:31:58 > 0:32:00Come on!
0:32:00 > 0:32:02Right, sir...
0:32:02 > 0:32:05APPLAUSE DROWNS HIM OUT
0:32:05 > 0:32:07Whoa! Thank you, sir...
0:32:09 > 0:32:12- SILENCE - Shut it!
0:32:12 > 0:32:13LAUGHTER
0:32:13 > 0:32:16LIVELY MUSIC STRIKES UP
0:32:20 > 0:32:22# When I'm picking
0:32:22 > 0:32:24# The beetroots dear
0:32:24 > 0:32:28# That's when my heart beats for you
0:32:28 > 0:32:30# When I'm picking
0:32:30 > 0:32:32# Those blue berries
0:32:32 > 0:32:35# That's when I feel blue for you
0:32:35 > 0:32:37# And when I'm picking
0:32:37 > 0:32:40# Those pickled onions
0:32:40 > 0:32:43# That's the only time I cry for you
0:32:43 > 0:32:47# But when banana skins are falling
0:32:47 > 0:32:51# I'll come sliding back to you
0:32:51 > 0:32:55# Yes, when banana skins are falling
0:32:55 > 0:33:02# I'll come sliding back to you! #
0:33:02 > 0:33:05CHEERING
0:33:05 > 0:33:08Ladies!
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Thank you, thank you.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13- HE COUGHS - By Jove, I needed that.
0:33:13 > 0:33:16It's better out than in. Ladies and gentlemen...
0:33:16 > 0:33:17LAUGHTER
0:33:17 > 0:33:21- Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to say...- HIGH PITCHED:- ..how...!
0:33:21 > 0:33:24How tickled I am, yes, how tickled I am by all this good will.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Have you ever been tickled by goodwill, Miss?
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Hello, good, old Willy. Tickled!
0:33:29 > 0:33:32I'll show you, Mrs. By Jove, this calls for a...
0:33:32 > 0:33:35- CHEERING - Yes...
0:33:41 > 0:33:42By Jove...
0:33:42 > 0:33:45CHEERING
0:33:45 > 0:33:47That's surprising, isn't it, eh?
0:33:47 > 0:33:50You thought you were going to see the main feature a bit early.
0:33:50 > 0:33:51LAUGHTER
0:33:51 > 0:33:54Mrs, I'm coming down to see you, love,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57cos it's tickling me to see you. This is it, love.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05You can be tickled anywhere you like, ladies.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07You can be tickled anywhere you like, thanks to a new Post Office
0:34:07 > 0:34:10- service called Inter-tickle. - LAUGHTER
0:34:10 > 0:34:13A knock on the front door and you shoot down the lobby,
0:34:13 > 0:34:15or foyer, if you live in Harrogate...
0:34:15 > 0:34:18- LAUGHTER - Open the front door and the telegram
0:34:18 > 0:34:20boy will be standing there with a huge tickling stick.
0:34:20 > 0:34:24He'll say, "Charlie Addleston sent this, love. Happy birthday!"
0:34:24 > 0:34:27"Wish you were here, stop, wish I was there, don't stop." Rubbish.
0:34:27 > 0:34:30A little tickle down here... Oh...
0:34:30 > 0:34:32Here you are, Albert!
0:34:32 > 0:34:35He's going away for the weekend to Brighton anyway.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Now, ladies, first of all, I'd like to say how absolutely
0:34:38 > 0:34:39discomnockerated, how, how...
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Oh, yes, Miss, how full of plong-ciousness.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45I do. Tonight, I feel completely goolified, standing here...
0:34:45 > 0:34:46LAUGHTER
0:34:46 > 0:34:50Standing here in this magnificent, giant...shoebox.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52LAUGHTER
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Oh, I have so much to give.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58You're going to get it, too. I'm going to make you have it.
0:34:58 > 0:34:59LAUGHTER
0:34:59 > 0:35:03What a fantastic day! What a potty day for doing something political!
0:35:03 > 0:35:05Dashing into a maternity home and shouting,
0:35:05 > 0:35:07"It's your own fault for voting Labour!"
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Well!
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Votes for women!
0:35:11 > 0:35:13Squirting a hosepipe up Emmeline Pankhurst's bloomers,
0:35:13 > 0:35:16saying, "How's that for a suffering jet?"
0:35:16 > 0:35:19You know!
0:35:19 > 0:35:21APPLAUSE
0:35:21 > 0:35:24Yeah! Go on! Go on!
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Here we are, ladies and gentlemen, there's a wonderful atmosphere
0:35:30 > 0:35:32in here tonight, just like a clinic.
0:35:32 > 0:35:35You know what it is? It's the north, love, the north.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Cos we're the greatest, in the north, aren't we?
0:35:37 > 0:35:38- ALL:- Yes!
0:35:38 > 0:35:42And the most modest. Ah, to the north.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45- Utterly Waring... - HE SHOUTS INCOMPREHENSIBLY
0:35:45 > 0:35:47LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:53 > 0:35:56Eddie Waring, the talking trilby.
0:35:56 > 0:35:58Eddie Waring, the thinking man's Womble.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00This is...
0:36:01 > 0:36:06You see, I stand here tonight, ladies and gentlemen, full of it.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10And I finally feel that I've arrived.
0:36:10 > 0:36:13You don't get a chance to play to millionaires every day
0:36:13 > 0:36:15of the week and just coming here and seeing all the quality.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18I think I look back to my start in showbiz and realise I owe it all
0:36:18 > 0:36:22to one little old basket.
0:36:22 > 0:36:25Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. The one little old basket.
0:36:25 > 0:36:28It's all in here. My little old prop basket. By Jove!
0:36:28 > 0:36:32Now this is an interesting one, here. This little...
0:36:32 > 0:36:35This little cane with arthritis...
0:36:37 > 0:36:40And this little hat on there. Now, who does that remind you of?
0:36:40 > 0:36:42There we are, there we are. By Jove!
0:36:42 > 0:36:46One of the greatest of our music hall comedians today,
0:36:46 > 0:36:47Mr George Robey.
0:36:51 > 0:36:54I like to go out walking alone by myself.
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Tis merely for exercise.
0:36:56 > 0:37:01I wonder around like a mischievous elf, for I always expect a surprise.
0:37:01 > 0:37:04T'other day...
0:37:05 > 0:37:08Desist, temper your frivolity with a modicum of decorum.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13T'other day, I was walking alongside a hedge
0:37:13 > 0:37:16and the hedge was apropos of some trees.
0:37:19 > 0:37:23I got my surprise as I walked along the edge as a sound
0:37:23 > 0:37:25wafted my way on the breeze.
0:37:26 > 0:37:30So I stopped and I looked and I listened,
0:37:30 > 0:37:33and I tried to locate the sound.
0:37:33 > 0:37:37First, I thought it was there, then I thought it was there,
0:37:37 > 0:37:40a most peculiar sound I really declare.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43I'd heard it before but I cannot say where,
0:37:43 > 0:37:45so I thought that the sound must be found.
0:37:46 > 0:37:50So I stopped and I looked and I listened
0:37:50 > 0:37:53and the sound seemed to come from the ground.
0:37:55 > 0:38:00Someone said, "Do." Someone said, "Don't."
0:38:00 > 0:38:02Someone said, "Will."
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Someone said, "Won't."
0:38:07 > 0:38:11So I stopped and I looked and I left.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17APPLAUSE
0:38:23 > 0:38:27Ah! Ah! Here's a little friend of mine, ladies and gentlemen.
0:38:27 > 0:38:32- A little friend of mine all the way from Knotty Ash. Aren't you?- Yes.
0:38:32 > 0:38:36- You've walked all the way?- Yes. - You must be very tired.- Yes.
0:38:37 > 0:38:41- But you are glad to be here?- Yes. - Can you say anything else but, yes?
0:38:41 > 0:38:43- Yes.- What's that?- No.
0:38:44 > 0:38:47- I believe your name is Dicky Mint.- Yes, cock.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52- Pardon?- Yes, cock.- When you talk to me, you must say, "Sir."
0:38:52 > 0:38:54- Sir?- Yes.- Yes, sir, cock.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59It's good stuff this, you know, not ruggish.
0:38:59 > 0:39:00I mean rubbish.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Well if you've walked all the way from Knotty Ash,
0:39:05 > 0:39:07- you must be very thirsty.- Yes.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10So would you like a big bottle of brown beer.
0:39:10 > 0:39:13A big bottle of brown beer and some brown bread and butter
0:39:13 > 0:39:16- or a shandy.- Shandy. - Good, now...
0:39:16 > 0:39:18LAUGHTER
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Right.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Ah, this is it.
0:39:25 > 0:39:29This is the most valuable thing I have in my little basket,
0:39:29 > 0:39:31ladies and gentlemen. Music.
0:39:31 > 0:39:36If music be the food of love, give us a thrill with your sausage roll.
0:39:36 > 0:39:40Shakespeare. Shakespeare said that just before they took him away.
0:39:41 > 0:39:45I love Handel's Largo. It refreshes the parts that cocoa cannot reach.
0:39:49 > 0:39:53La Donna E Mobile translated, does anybody want to buy a lady's bike?
0:39:53 > 0:39:56La Donna E Mobile. Thank you.
0:39:56 > 0:39:57MUSIC PLAYS
0:40:01 > 0:40:02MUSIC STOPS
0:40:02 > 0:40:06What's the matter?
0:40:06 > 0:40:08TROMBONE PLAYS
0:40:13 > 0:40:18LAUGHTER
0:40:18 > 0:40:24TROMBONE PLAYS CONTINUOUSLY
0:40:24 > 0:40:32LAUGHTER
0:40:38 > 0:40:39It's him, sir.
0:40:42 > 0:40:44# La donna e mobile
0:40:44 > 0:40:46# Qual piuma al vento
0:40:46 > 0:40:48# Muta d'accento
0:40:48 > 0:40:50# E di pensiero
0:40:50 > 0:40:52# Sempre un a mabile
0:40:52 > 0:40:54# Leggiadro viso
0:40:54 > 0:40:58# In pianto o in riso, Mensognero.
0:40:58 > 0:41:00# La donna e mobile
0:41:00 > 0:41:01# Qual piuma al vento
0:41:01 > 0:41:06# Muta d'accento
0:41:06 > 0:41:08# E di pensier
0:41:08 > 0:41:10# Da-da da-da
0:41:10 > 0:41:12# E di pensier
0:41:12 > 0:41:19# E di pensier!
0:41:22 > 0:41:24APPLAUSE
0:41:25 > 0:41:27MUSIC STOPS
0:41:27 > 0:41:29What's the matter?
0:41:30 > 0:41:38DRUM PLAYS CONTINUOUSLY
0:41:46 > 0:41:47In English.
0:41:47 > 0:41:49# Woman is fickle
0:41:49 > 0:41:51# Give her a tickle
0:41:51 > 0:41:54# Hold her waist tightly
0:41:54 > 0:41:56# Do it twice nightly
0:41:58 > 0:42:00# All over Italy
0:42:00 > 0:42:02# Birds sing so prettily
0:42:02 > 0:42:04# Two key per tidy town
0:42:04 > 0:42:06# They all fly upside down
0:42:07 > 0:42:11# My auntie Nelly has a big...
0:42:11 > 0:42:13# Telly.
0:42:13 > 0:42:19# But my Aunti Lil has a bigger one still
0:42:19 > 0:42:21# Da-da da-da
0:42:21 > 0:42:24# You should see my uncle Jack
0:42:24 > 0:42:29# E di pensier!
0:42:33 > 0:42:36# E di pensier!
0:42:38 > 0:42:41# E di pensier!
0:42:41 > 0:42:44# La donna e mobile! #
0:42:46 > 0:42:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:03 > 0:43:06Thank you.
0:43:08 > 0:43:11Thank you.
0:43:18 > 0:43:22Now, ladies and gentlemen, there is only just time for the last
0:43:22 > 0:43:24chorus of the night.
0:43:26 > 0:43:29Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:43:29 > 0:43:32Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ken Dodd, the entire company,
0:43:32 > 0:43:39Mr Bernard Hammond and the entire and almost unflagging orchestra,
0:43:39 > 0:43:44- but this time, chiefly... - ALL:- Yourselves.
0:43:48 > 0:43:52# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:43:52 > 0:43:54# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:43:56 > 0:44:00# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:44:00 > 0:44:03# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:44:03 > 0:44:05# Hear the little German band
0:44:05 > 0:44:07# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
0:44:07 > 0:44:11# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:44:11 > 0:44:15# Do, do, come and have a drink or two
0:44:15 > 0:44:18# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:44:18 > 0:44:20# Bush-Bush! #
0:44:20 > 0:44:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING