0:00:02 > 0:00:10# Daisy, Daisy Give me your answer, do
0:00:10 > 0:00:18# I'm half crazy All for the love of you
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# It won't be a stylish marriage
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# I can't afford a carriage
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# But you'd look sweet upon the seat
0:00:31 > 0:00:38# Of a bicycle made for two. #
0:00:42 > 0:00:45FANFARE
0:00:48 > 0:00:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Once again...
0:00:58 > 0:01:01good evening...
0:01:01 > 0:01:02- ALL:- Good evening!
0:01:02 > 0:01:06..ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Kaleidoscopically...
0:01:11 > 0:01:13- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16..a c...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19a carivaria...
0:01:19 > 0:01:22conflates...
0:01:22 > 0:01:24a cornucopic...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26Ooh!
0:01:26 > 0:01:29..terpsichorealism.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32CHEERING
0:01:32 > 0:01:34With the ubiquitously -
0:01:34 > 0:01:36also from the Latin -
0:01:36 > 0:01:40unimpeachable Players' Theatre
0:01:40 > 0:01:46and the unquenchable Miss Sheila Steafel!
0:01:46 > 0:01:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:54 > 0:01:57# Come with me, come to the ball
0:01:57 > 0:02:01# Music and merriment call
0:02:01 > 0:02:07# Golden and gay are the lamps above
0:02:07 > 0:02:11# Every tune is a song of love
0:02:11 > 0:02:15# All of you come to the ball
0:02:15 > 0:02:19# There will be welcome for all
0:02:19 > 0:02:26# Chance for a dance and romance
0:02:26 > 0:02:31# At the ball, at the ball!
0:02:31 > 0:02:35# Casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde
0:02:35 > 0:02:38# And the band played on
0:02:38 > 0:02:43# He'd glide cross the floor with the girl he adored
0:02:43 > 0:02:47# And the band played on
0:02:47 > 0:02:51# His brain was so loaded It nearly exploded
0:02:51 > 0:02:54# The poor girl would shake with alarm
0:02:54 > 0:02:58# He'd ne'er leave the girl with the strawberry curls
0:02:58 > 0:03:02# And the band played on
0:03:05 > 0:03:09# I've seen many beauties while wandering around
0:03:09 > 0:03:13# The world, but in Spain there my fancy I found
0:03:13 > 0:03:16# She'd hair black as coal Eyes bright as a star
0:03:16 > 0:03:22# And I felt fairly gone when she twanged her guitar
0:03:22 > 0:03:26# She sang like a nightingale Twanged her guitar
0:03:26 > 0:03:30# Danced the cachucha, smoked a cigar
0:03:30 > 0:03:33# Oh, what a form Oh, what a face
0:03:33 > 0:03:37# And she did the fandango all over the place
0:03:37 > 0:03:40# She sang like a nightingale Twanged her guitar
0:03:40 > 0:03:44# Danced the cachucha, smoked a cigar
0:03:44 > 0:03:47# Oh, what a form Oh, what a face
0:03:47 > 0:03:50# And she did the fandango all over the place
0:03:57 > 0:04:03# In the twi-twi-twi-light
0:04:03 > 0:04:08# Out in the beautiful twilight
0:04:08 > 0:04:11# They all go out for a walk, walk, walk
0:04:11 > 0:04:16# A quiet spoon and a talk, talk, talk
0:04:16 > 0:04:20# That's the time they long for
0:04:20 > 0:04:24# Just before the night
0:04:24 > 0:04:28# And many a grand little wedding is planned
0:04:28 > 0:04:32# In the twi-twi-light
0:04:32 > 0:04:36# And many a grand little wedding is planned
0:04:36 > 0:04:42# In the twi-twi-light
0:04:42 > 0:04:47# You should see me dance the polka
0:04:47 > 0:04:50# You should see me cover the ground
0:04:50 > 0:04:53# You should see his coat-tails flying
0:04:53 > 0:04:55# As I jump my partner round
0:04:55 > 0:04:58# When the band commences playing
0:04:58 > 0:05:01# My feet begin to go
0:05:01 > 0:05:03# For a rollicking, frolicking polka
0:05:03 > 0:05:05# Is the jolliest dance I know
0:05:05 > 0:05:08# You should see me dance the polka
0:05:08 > 0:05:11# You should see me cover the ground
0:05:11 > 0:05:13# You should see my coat-tails flying
0:05:13 > 0:05:15# As I jump my partner round
0:05:15 > 0:05:17# When the band commences playing
0:05:17 > 0:05:19# My feet begin to go
0:05:19 > 0:05:23# For a rollicking, frolicking polka is the jolliest dance I know
0:05:29 > 0:05:33# After the ball is over
0:05:33 > 0:05:39# After the break of morn
0:05:39 > 0:05:43# After the dancers' leaving
0:05:43 > 0:05:48# After the stars are gone
0:05:48 > 0:05:52# Many a heart is aching
0:05:52 > 0:05:57# If you could read them all
0:05:57 > 0:06:01# Many the hopes that have vanished
0:06:01 > 0:06:06# After the ball
0:06:06 > 0:06:10# Many a heart is aching
0:06:10 > 0:06:13# If you could read them all
0:06:13 > 0:06:19# Many the hopes that have vanished
0:06:19 > 0:06:30# After the ball. #
0:06:30 > 0:06:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:37 > 0:06:42- AUDIENCE:- More! More!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50I promise you, ladies and gentlemen...
0:06:52 > 0:06:54..you will see Miss Sheila Steafel
0:06:54 > 0:06:57once again later on in the programme,
0:06:57 > 0:06:59perhaps not quite so frustrated.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02But now...from Rotherham...
0:07:02 > 0:07:05CHEERING
0:07:05 > 0:07:08..the irrepressibly risible ribaldries...
0:07:11 > 0:07:12- ALL:- Oooh!
0:07:12 > 0:07:16..of that Yorkshire relish,
0:07:16 > 0:07:19Mr Dougie Brown!
0:07:25 > 0:07:30Thank you, thank you. Halt. Halt.
0:07:30 > 0:07:31Good evening.
0:07:31 > 0:07:33I'll tell you what I'm going to do,
0:07:33 > 0:07:36because tonight is a very, very suspicious occasion.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38LAUGHTER
0:07:38 > 0:07:41Tonight, actually, I'm very proud to announce,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44is the grand opening of Mr Chairman's wallet.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46CHEERING
0:07:47 > 0:07:51So I thought, no jokes tonight.
0:07:51 > 0:07:55I'm going to dedicate some poetry, right?
0:07:55 > 0:07:57They strolled through the meadow...
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Hey, aren't drunks daft?
0:08:05 > 0:08:07My brother-in-law, he was walking past the fairground
0:08:07 > 0:08:12and this man shouted, "Anybody want to have a go on the rifles? It's three shillings, five shots."
0:08:12 > 0:08:16He said, "Yes, please. I'd like to have a go on the rifles, if I can, please. Thank you very much."
0:08:16 > 0:08:19So he paid his money, got a gun, and he went, bang, bang, bang, bang.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21And he shot all these five things down.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23The fella gave him the first prize, a baby tortoise.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27And he went away and came back an hour later. "I'll have another go, please. Thank you very much."
0:08:27 > 0:08:29And he went, bang, bang, bang, bang.
0:08:29 > 0:08:32And he shot them all down again, and he gave him a beautiful tea set.
0:08:32 > 0:08:34He says, "I don't want that.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"I want another one of those pies with the hard crust!"
0:08:40 > 0:08:42HE WARBLES
0:08:43 > 0:08:44He walked into this bar.
0:08:44 > 0:08:47He said to the barman, he said, "Excuse, excuse, excuse...
0:08:47 > 0:08:49"Excuse me, barman, please.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52"Do you sell that draught... draught bitter here?"
0:08:52 > 0:08:56The barman said, "We sell everything here, sir. We're very, very proud of that."
0:08:56 > 0:09:00He said, "Well, give me one, two, three, four, five... one, two, three, four, five...
0:09:00 > 0:09:01"one, two, three, four, five...
0:09:01 > 0:09:06"12 pints of that nice draught bitter, please."
0:09:06 > 0:09:09The barman said, "12 pints? Are they just for yourself?"
0:09:09 > 0:09:13He said, "Yes, they're just for meself. Be a good chap. Thank you."
0:09:13 > 0:09:16So he got these 12 pints. He went glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
0:09:16 > 0:09:18He drank the lot.
0:09:18 > 0:09:19He said...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25"Barman?"
0:09:25 > 0:09:27The man said, "Me, sir?"
0:09:27 > 0:09:29He said, "Any of the three of you. Come here.
0:09:34 > 0:09:35"What's...? What's...?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39"What about that...?
0:09:39 > 0:09:42"Do you sell mixed as well?"
0:09:42 > 0:09:45The barman said, "We sell everything here."
0:09:45 > 0:09:48He said, "Well, would you give me...?"
0:09:48 > 0:09:50The barman said, "Can't you count any higher than that?
0:09:50 > 0:09:53He said, "Of course I can." "One, two, three..."
0:10:01 > 0:10:02No jokes, no jokes.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04"Would you...?
0:10:04 > 0:10:07"Would you give me 12 pints of mixed, please?"
0:10:07 > 0:10:11And he said, "For yourself?" He says, "Yes, they're just for meself. There's a chap, good."
0:10:11 > 0:10:13And he drank the lot
0:10:13 > 0:10:16and he's just disappearing below the level of the bar.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17He says...
0:10:21 > 0:10:25He said, "Barman, what about shorts?
0:10:25 > 0:10:26"Do you sell shorts as well?"
0:10:26 > 0:10:28He said, "We sell everything, sir."
0:10:28 > 0:10:32He says, "Well, would you sell me a pair? I've just wet these!"
0:10:40 > 0:10:42HE WARBLES
0:10:45 > 0:10:47Hey, what about poor old Fred?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50Aaaah!
0:10:50 > 0:10:53Aaaah? Try that again. What about poor old Fred?
0:10:53 > 0:10:56AAAAH!
0:10:56 > 0:11:01There's a woman gargling at the back there. Look!
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Poor old Fred - everything went wrong for Fred.
0:11:04 > 0:11:06All through his life, nothing ever went right.
0:11:06 > 0:11:08And then one day, he thought he'd cracked it.
0:11:08 > 0:11:10He married this beauty queen.
0:11:10 > 0:11:12Ooh!
0:11:12 > 0:11:15And they were going to Blackpool to have a nice holiday
0:11:15 > 0:11:18and they had a terrible accident and poor Fred got killed.
0:11:18 > 0:11:20Aaaah!
0:11:20 > 0:11:22AAAAAH!
0:11:25 > 0:11:28And he finished up in heaven, you see, and he said to Peter, he said,
0:11:28 > 0:11:31"Peter," he said, "everything's gone wrong for me.
0:11:31 > 0:11:33- "All through my life."- Aaah!
0:11:33 > 0:11:37And he said, "I finally thought I'd made it, I married this beauty queen.
0:11:37 > 0:11:41- "She was a lovely girl and I've never even seen her body."- Aaah!
0:11:41 > 0:11:46He said, "Do you think I could possibly go back and just have a look at her body just once?"
0:11:46 > 0:11:50And Peter said, "No, I can't do that." Cos he's from Rotherham as well.
0:11:53 > 0:11:57He said, "No, no." He said, I can't do that. No chance of that, no."
0:11:57 > 0:12:00He said, "Please, just let me look once." He said, "All right.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"I'll tell you what I'll do. I'll send you back as a bird."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05So he sent him back as a little sparrow.
0:12:05 > 0:12:10And the sparrow found its way to Blackpool...
0:12:11 > 0:12:12It's true, this!
0:12:14 > 0:12:17He found his way back to Blackpool, where his wife was in the hotel,
0:12:17 > 0:12:20and the sparrow got perched, which was poor Fred.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23And he's on the windowsill like that, and his wife's in there,
0:12:23 > 0:12:26and she's just getting over her grief, and she took her dress off.
0:12:26 > 0:12:30And you know how sparrows' eyes go when they're excited?
0:12:30 > 0:12:32Look, I'll show you. Watch.
0:12:34 > 0:12:37You've seen it now. I'll show these. Look.
0:12:41 > 0:12:45And then she just took her underskirt off and that was it.
0:12:45 > 0:12:46And then the cat got him.
0:13:02 > 0:13:06They strolled through the meadow...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08The sky... Sorry.
0:13:08 > 0:13:13The sky...was an azure blue.
0:13:15 > 0:13:20He opened the gate and she slowly passed through.
0:13:22 > 0:13:27She did not thank him, for she did not know how,
0:13:27 > 0:13:31for he was only a farmer's boy, and she was a big brown cow!
0:13:47 > 0:13:55All the way from Ireland, ineluctable, Iberian ecstasy.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00The lique...the liquescent...
0:14:03 > 0:14:05..limpidity
0:14:05 > 0:14:09of a late lark ascending.
0:14:09 > 0:14:15Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Miss Patricia Cahill.
0:14:27 > 0:14:31# Can't help singing
0:14:31 > 0:14:35# Of the promise that April is bringing
0:14:35 > 0:14:39# I am floating along on the crest of a song
0:14:39 > 0:14:43# There are bells in my heart and they're ringing
0:14:43 > 0:14:47# Can't help crowing
0:14:47 > 0:14:51# Folks don't like if they think I am glowing
0:14:51 > 0:14:53# I don't care what they say
0:14:53 > 0:14:58# Spring affects me this way
0:14:58 > 0:15:05# And I've gotta keep singing all day
0:15:07 > 0:15:10# Hummingbird, mockingbird
0:15:10 > 0:15:14# Listen to me
0:15:14 > 0:15:17# I've got no nest
0:15:17 > 0:15:20# I've got no tree
0:15:20 > 0:15:23# Oh, but I'm happy
0:15:23 > 0:15:28# As heaven is high
0:15:28 > 0:15:32# I've got a song...
0:15:32 > 0:15:37# Bubbling inside
0:15:37 > 0:15:41# Can't help singing
0:15:41 > 0:15:45# Of the promise that April is bringing
0:15:45 > 0:15:50# I am floating along on the crest of a song
0:15:50 > 0:15:55# There are bells in my heart and they're ringing
0:15:55 > 0:15:58# Can't help crowing
0:15:58 > 0:16:02# Folks don't like if they think I am glowing
0:16:02 > 0:16:05# I don't care what they say
0:16:05 > 0:16:10# Spring affects me this way
0:16:10 > 0:16:15# And the lovebirds I rescued sing along
0:16:15 > 0:16:20# And I'm up to my neck in sun and charm
0:16:20 > 0:16:25# With a hey-ho and I'm living
0:16:25 > 0:16:27# And hey-ho
0:16:27 > 0:16:30# And I'm loving
0:16:30 > 0:16:34# I've gotta, I've gotta, I've gotta
0:16:34 > 0:16:36# Keep singing
0:16:36 > 0:16:37# Gotta, I've gotta
0:16:37 > 0:16:42# I've gotta keep singing
0:16:42 > 0:16:53# All-ll-ll da-a-ay. #
0:17:01 > 0:17:03BAND PLAYS
0:17:11 > 0:17:21# 'Tis the last rose of summer
0:17:21 > 0:17:30# Left blooming alone
0:17:30 > 0:17:41# All her lovely companions
0:17:41 > 0:17:51# Are faded and gone
0:17:51 > 0:18:00# No flower of her kindred
0:18:00 > 0:18:17# No rosebud is ni-i-igh
0:18:17 > 0:18:27# To reflect back her blushes
0:18:27 > 0:18:37# Or give sigh for sigh
0:18:37 > 0:18:46# To reflect
0:18:46 > 0:18:55# Back her blushes
0:18:55 > 0:19:05# Or give sigh...
0:19:05 > 0:19:14# For sigh. #
0:19:19 > 0:19:21APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:19:21 > 0:19:23BAND PLAYS
0:19:23 > 0:19:25SHE CLEARS HER THROAT
0:19:30 > 0:19:33# What'll I do
0:19:33 > 0:19:38# When you are far away... # AUDIENCE JOINS IN
0:19:38 > 0:19:41# And I am blue?
0:19:41 > 0:19:44# What'll I do?
0:19:45 > 0:19:47# What'll I do
0:19:47 > 0:19:53# When I am wondering who
0:19:53 > 0:19:57# Is kissing you?
0:19:57 > 0:20:00# What'll I do?
0:20:00 > 0:20:03# What'll I do
0:20:03 > 0:20:08# With just a photograph
0:20:08 > 0:20:14# To tell my troubles to?
0:20:16 > 0:20:19# When I'm alone
0:20:19 > 0:20:25# With just a dream of you
0:20:25 > 0:20:28# That won't come true
0:20:28 > 0:20:32# What'll I do?
0:20:35 > 0:20:38# I'll be loving you
0:20:38 > 0:20:41# Always
0:20:41 > 0:20:45# With a love that's true
0:20:45 > 0:20:49# Always
0:20:49 > 0:20:53# When the things you planned
0:20:53 > 0:20:56# Need a helping hand
0:20:56 > 0:21:00# I will understand
0:21:00 > 0:21:03# Always
0:21:03 > 0:21:05# Always
0:21:05 > 0:21:09# Things may not be fair
0:21:09 > 0:21:13# Always
0:21:13 > 0:21:17# That's when I'll be there
0:21:17 > 0:21:21# Always
0:21:21 > 0:21:24# Not for just an hour
0:21:24 > 0:21:29# Not for just a day
0:21:29 > 0:21:35# Not for just a year
0:21:35 > 0:21:40# But always. #
0:21:42 > 0:21:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:09 > 0:22:12Indubitably...
0:22:13 > 0:22:16Endearing...
0:22:16 > 0:22:17Enduring...
0:22:19 > 0:22:20- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:22:20 > 0:22:21Diminutive...
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Audience:- Oh!
0:22:23 > 0:22:26Infectious delight!
0:22:26 > 0:22:32Your own, my own, everybody's own,
0:22:32 > 0:22:36dear Arthur Askey!
0:22:50 > 0:22:52CYMBALS CRASH
0:22:55 > 0:22:58BAND PLAYS INTRO
0:23:05 > 0:23:09AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:23:09 > 0:23:11# I think... #
0:23:11 > 0:23:12HAMMER BANGS
0:23:14 > 0:23:15AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:23:16 > 0:23:20I think you'd better come down here
0:23:20 > 0:23:23because they can't see you behind that protuberance.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30Innit blooming marvellous?! That's tantamount to a rebuff!
0:23:30 > 0:23:32All right, come and do it yourself.
0:23:39 > 0:23:40Twirl!
0:23:41 > 0:23:42Curtsy.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44# I'm a stranger in paradise... #
0:23:47 > 0:23:49Thank you.
0:23:51 > 0:23:53Penny change.
0:23:53 > 0:23:56# I rode to blow the candle out at half past nine. #
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Off we go! You must join in this.
0:24:00 > 0:24:03JAUNTY MUSIC STARTS
0:24:03 > 0:24:07# In our little village there has been a tragedy
0:24:07 > 0:24:11# Deary, deary me Such a terrible tragedy
0:24:11 > 0:24:15# Mary Ellen Bottomley today should have been wed
0:24:15 > 0:24:19# It's a good job that she didn't now, so everybody said
0:24:19 > 0:24:24# Mary Ellen at the church turned up
0:24:24 > 0:24:28# Her ma turned up and her pa turned up
0:24:28 > 0:24:32# Her sister Gert Her rich Uncle Bert
0:24:32 > 0:24:37# And the parson in his long white shirt turned up
0:24:37 > 0:24:41# But no bridegroom with the ring turned up
0:24:41 > 0:24:45# But a telegraph boy with his nose turned up
0:24:45 > 0:24:49# Brought a telegram that said he didn't want to wed
0:24:49 > 0:24:52# And they'd find him in the river with his toes turned up. #
0:24:52 > 0:24:54All together!
0:24:54 > 0:24:58# Mary Ellen at the church turned up
0:24:58 > 0:25:02# Her ma turned up and her pa turned up
0:25:02 > 0:25:06# Her sister Gert Her rich Uncle Bert
0:25:06 > 0:25:10# And the parson in his long white shirt turned up
0:25:10 > 0:25:14# But no bridegroom with the ring turned up
0:25:14 > 0:25:18# But a telegraph boy with his nose turned up
0:25:18 > 0:25:23# Brought a telegram that said he didn't want to wed
0:25:23 > 0:25:29# And they'd find him in the river with his toes turned up. #
0:25:29 > 0:25:30APPLAUSE
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Thank you.
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Last time. You won't be bothered again!
0:25:46 > 0:25:49How do you like it so far? What a load of rubbish.
0:25:49 > 0:25:53Now, I'm going to sing you another song. I wrote this myself.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56This one has got a monologue. I'm very good at monologues.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59As a matter of fact, I get a lot of little monologues sent to me
0:25:59 > 0:26:00by different people, you know.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02I got one sent today.
0:26:02 > 0:26:04They stroll through the meadow...
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Oh, no, that's the wrong one, isn't it?
0:26:07 > 0:26:10What fun we have, but...
0:26:10 > 0:26:11This one says...
0:26:11 > 0:26:17The prisoner sat in his lonely cell. He committed a deadly sin.
0:26:17 > 0:26:20The warder said, "You've one hour of grace."
0:26:20 > 0:26:23He said, "Marvellous, send her in."
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Are you there, Albert? Come here, Albert.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29Come here, love, give us me Foreign Legion hat.
0:26:29 > 0:26:30Dear old Albert.
0:26:30 > 0:26:33Isn't he lovely? What sort of a woman was Victoria, Albert?
0:26:35 > 0:26:38Isn't she lovely? OK, let's go. Foreign Legion.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50Atmosphere.
0:26:50 > 0:26:53# See the gang of ruffians come marching all ascend
0:26:53 > 0:26:58# Out of line and out of step They haven't got a bend
0:26:58 > 0:27:02# Fighting with the Arabs and our friends from la belle France
0:27:02 > 0:27:05# If you dared to lag behind You get kicked in the ponce
0:27:05 > 0:27:09# Marching off to death or glory
0:27:09 > 0:27:13# Knowing there are long to care
0:27:13 > 0:27:17# Just a real Beau Geste with whiskers on your chest
0:27:17 > 0:27:20# That's the life of the legionnaire... #
0:27:21 > 0:27:24Recitation.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26It's a hell of a life in the Legion
0:27:26 > 0:27:29when you're out in the desert, I mean.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33This story I'll tell you is clever. It's not only clever, it's clean.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38Our captain we hated like poison, he had a moustache like a bed sock,
0:27:38 > 0:27:41and what the men called him led me to believe
0:27:41 > 0:27:43that he had been born out of wedlock.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49He took us a route march and lost us,
0:27:49 > 0:27:52an obsolete map they had sold him.
0:27:52 > 0:27:54He said, "Listen, men, I don't know where to go."
0:27:54 > 0:27:55So everyone of us told him.
0:27:58 > 0:28:03Now here I am back entertaining, singing songs ancient and new.
0:28:03 > 0:28:06Striving and straining to get a good laugh out of boss-eyed
0:28:06 > 0:28:08polluters like you.
0:28:10 > 0:28:14# Marching with the Foreign Legion
0:28:14 > 0:28:18# Marching on to who knows where
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# Just a real Beau Geste with whiskers on your chest
0:28:21 > 0:28:23# That's the life of the Legionnaire. #
0:28:29 > 0:28:34APPLAUSE
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Thank you.
0:28:43 > 0:28:49Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to depart now from my usual procedure.
0:28:49 > 0:28:52- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:28:52 > 0:28:58I have asked if I might bring an artiste in who I think
0:28:58 > 0:29:00has very great potential.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03I am sponsoring her. She's very nervous.
0:29:03 > 0:29:07It's her very first professional appearance ever
0:29:07 > 0:29:10and I do hope you'll take her to your hearts.
0:29:10 > 0:29:14Ladies and gentlemen, from my heart, I introduce,
0:29:14 > 0:29:18for your very warm welcome, for a very new performer,
0:29:18 > 0:29:22Miss Porphyria De Lille Brown.
0:30:00 > 0:30:05# Popsy was a singer in a little revue
0:30:05 > 0:30:10# Sang the sort of ditties that the people all knew
0:30:10 > 0:30:14# Every night they used to turn the limelight strong
0:30:14 > 0:30:19# On someone's face as she sang her song
0:30:19 > 0:30:23# Popsy loved her job but every once in a while
0:30:23 > 0:30:28# She thought it would be such bliss
0:30:28 > 0:30:32# If the limelight would find a man both good and kind
0:30:32 > 0:30:36# And he'd murmur something like this
0:30:37 > 0:30:41# Sing to me, my little Popsy Wopsy
0:30:41 > 0:30:44# Turn the limelight right on me
0:30:44 > 0:30:48# When on that stage you come
0:30:48 > 0:30:52# My little heart beats just like a drum
0:30:52 > 0:30:55# I shall dream about you all night tonight
0:30:55 > 0:30:58# You're the sweetest girl I've seen
0:30:58 > 0:31:00# I would kiss you, my Popsy
0:31:00 > 0:31:02# But there's one thing stops me
0:31:02 > 0:31:07# Those footlights in between... #
0:31:07 > 0:31:09APPLAUSE
0:31:21 > 0:31:25# Popsy fixed her eye upon an old boy one night
0:31:25 > 0:31:30# Sitting in the stalls with not a lady in sight
0:31:30 > 0:31:34# When she sang her loving song He looked entranced
0:31:34 > 0:31:38# She knew it wasn't the way she danced
0:31:38 > 0:31:42# That same evening to the stage door he sent a note
0:31:42 > 0:31:46# Which read, "Oh, Popsy, my pet
0:31:46 > 0:31:48# "Though I'm 71
0:31:48 > 0:31:52# "We could have lots of fun
0:31:52 > 0:31:54# "There's life in the old mongrel yet!"
0:31:56 > 0:32:00# Sing to me, my little Popsy Wopsy
0:32:00 > 0:32:03# Turn the limelight right on me
0:32:03 > 0:32:07# When on that stage you come
0:32:07 > 0:32:10# My little heart beats just like a drum
0:32:10 > 0:32:15# I shall dream about you all night tonight
0:32:15 > 0:32:18# You're the sweetest girl I've seen
0:32:18 > 0:32:22# I would kiss you, my Popsy But there's one thing stops me
0:32:22 > 0:32:24# Those footlights in between... #
0:32:24 > 0:32:26APPLAUSE
0:32:41 > 0:32:45# Popsy still sings ditties on that stage every night
0:32:45 > 0:32:50# Though she may not be a star She's doing all right
0:32:50 > 0:32:55# And when Johnnies think that they are sure to score
0:32:55 > 0:33:00# And wait for her at the backstage door
0:33:00 > 0:33:04# She appears in furs to keep her safe from the cold
0:33:04 > 0:33:08# And if some masher should shout
0:33:08 > 0:33:11# "I've some champagne on ice"
0:33:11 > 0:33:13# She'll say, "Well, ain't that nice?
0:33:13 > 0:33:17# "But Daddy won't let me go out!"
0:33:18 > 0:33:22# Sing to me, my little Popsy Wopsy
0:33:22 > 0:33:25# Turn the limelight right on me
0:33:25 > 0:33:29# When on that stage you come
0:33:29 > 0:33:33# My little heart beats just like a drum
0:33:33 > 0:33:36# I shall dream about you all night tonight
0:33:36 > 0:33:39# You're the sweetest girl I've seen
0:33:39 > 0:33:41# I would kiss you, my Popsy
0:33:41 > 0:33:43# But there's one thing stops me
0:33:43 > 0:33:45# Those footlights in between. #
0:34:17 > 0:34:18APPLAUSE
0:34:24 > 0:34:30That was, of course, Sheila Steafel,
0:34:30 > 0:34:33and may heaven and my wife forgive me.
0:34:35 > 0:34:43And now, ladies and gentlemen, from Hungary, transcendent
0:34:43 > 0:34:51in high altitude-iness, inch-apidity, the Duo Violins.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26APPLAUSE
0:38:30 > 0:38:36- And now, jubilantly... AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Ebullience...
0:38:39 > 0:38:44..in-juvenescent jockularity...
0:38:44 > 0:38:47The one and only Terry Scott.
0:38:49 > 0:38:51APPLAUSE
0:38:51 > 0:38:53A-ha.
0:38:58 > 0:38:59Ah! Ah!
0:39:01 > 0:39:03I'll be your surprise. I'll be your surprise.
0:39:03 > 0:39:05Shut up, coughing.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09I bet you were surprised because I come on the stage,
0:39:09 > 0:39:12because, you know, you know, you just can't walk on the stage.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15You can't, because...because before you come on the stage,
0:39:15 > 0:39:18you have to do something. Yeah. And I just done something.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22No, I seen something. Well, you don't know my mother.
0:39:22 > 0:39:27My mum has had another baby. Yeah. She has. Another one.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29And my dad, he don't know anything about it,
0:39:29 > 0:39:32because he's away at work. Yeah.
0:39:32 > 0:39:35I hate it when he comes in, because I get the blame for everything
0:39:35 > 0:39:37that happens in our house.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40Yeah, my auntie came to see the baby. She come.
0:39:40 > 0:39:46My Auntie Nora actually come. And she lives... Shut up.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48My Auntie Nora, she lives a long way away.
0:39:50 > 0:39:53And she had to sleep in the same room as me and my brother all night.
0:39:53 > 0:39:57And she got undressed in the same place. Not at the same time.
0:39:58 > 0:40:01Well, she couldn't, because she ain't half fat.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Do you know, she's got things to hold her up and things to
0:40:03 > 0:40:07hold her down and things to hold her in and out and all over the place.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09My brother says, when she gets undressed,
0:40:09 > 0:40:12she has to go to bed, otherwise she'd fall down.
0:40:12 > 0:40:16And the vicar come. The vicar come! A-ha.
0:40:16 > 0:40:19He came round, nosy old... He come round.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22He come round because he wanted to fix a christening
0:40:22 > 0:40:24and he wanted to know the name, I expect.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27My mum has got a funny name for it, because I think I heard her say,
0:40:27 > 0:40:29"I think I'm going to call it quits." But...
0:40:32 > 0:40:36There was a vicar there and my auntie, so I thought, right,
0:40:36 > 0:40:38I'm going to stand in the middle of the floor
0:40:38 > 0:40:41and do something which will give a very big surprise, because...
0:40:41 > 0:40:46Yes, because it was like a party, you see. So I told them a joke.
0:40:46 > 0:40:50Yeah, and my mum laughed, my auntie left and the vicar cried.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Because it was about a bull.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55It was a daddy bull, and he was in a field, and he got three baby boy
0:40:55 > 0:40:58bulls in the field, and the daddy said to the first baby boy bull,
0:40:58 > 0:41:01he said, "Here, what are you going to be when you grow up?
0:41:01 > 0:41:04The first one said, "I'm going to be a bull in a china shop."
0:41:04 > 0:41:06He said to the second one, "What are you going to be when you grow up?"
0:41:06 > 0:41:09The second one said, "I'm going to be a bull in the Army."
0:41:09 > 0:41:12He said to the third one, "What are you going to be when you grow up?"
0:41:12 > 0:41:14And the third one said, "I want to stay in the field with you
0:41:14 > 0:41:17"for heifer and heifer."
0:41:17 > 0:41:20And now, ladies and gentlemen. My solo song sung. Thank you.
0:41:24 > 0:41:27# For many years before the war We used to go away
0:41:27 > 0:41:30# And spend a jolly time beside the sea
0:41:30 > 0:41:34# But when the railway fares went up back home, we had to stay
0:41:34 > 0:41:37# Because we haven't got the LSD
0:41:37 > 0:41:41# But Father had a good idea to make the house look gay
0:41:41 > 0:41:44# We've railway posters posted on the wall
0:41:44 > 0:41:48# In every room there's lovely places like Deal and Douglas Bay
0:41:48 > 0:41:51# So now we never want to go at all
0:41:51 > 0:41:55# Oh, the seaside posters around the home
0:41:55 > 0:41:58# We never want to journey by the foam
0:41:58 > 0:42:02# There's Brighton in the bathroom and Papa feels quite a swell
0:42:02 > 0:42:05# Because he cuts his corns outside the Metropole Hotel
0:42:05 > 0:42:09# We've got Yarmouth in the home and there's Yarmouth in the yard
0:42:09 > 0:42:13# And Bournemouth we put somewhere out the back
0:42:13 > 0:42:16# And in the little parlour where the ladies sit and chat
0:42:16 > 0:42:20#We've got Clacton with the accent on the clack
0:42:20 > 0:42:23# Oh, seaside posters round the home
0:42:23 > 0:42:27# We never from our doorstep want to roam
0:42:27 > 0:42:30# There's Worthing in the cellar where we keep the bottled stout
0:42:30 > 0:42:34# And Father goes in there sometimes to see the tide go out
0:42:34 > 0:42:37# We've pictures of the Isle of Wight along the garden path
0:42:37 > 0:42:41# From Tottenham Bay to the golden shore
0:42:41 > 0:42:44# And when the milkman comes and leaves his cans upon the step
0:42:44 > 0:42:47# You can almost fancy Cowes was at the door. #
0:42:49 > 0:42:52APPLAUSE
0:43:04 > 0:43:08And now, ladies and gentlemen, there is really only just time now
0:43:08 > 0:43:10for the last chorus of all, which you all know.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:43:12 > 0:43:14We give you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:43:14 > 0:43:18Mr Terry Scott, Mr Arthur Askey and the entire company.
0:43:18 > 0:43:26We give you Mr Bernard Hammond and his entire orchestra of exemplary...
0:43:26 > 0:43:30- AUDIENCE:- Oh! - ..auxiliaries.
0:43:34 > 0:43:38But this time, chiefly yourselves.
0:43:43 > 0:43:47# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:43:47 > 0:43:51# Down at the old Bull and Bush Da-da-da-da-da
0:43:51 > 0:43:55# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:43:55 > 0:43:57# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:43:59 > 0:44:01# Hear the little German band
0:44:01 > 0:44:02# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
0:44:02 > 0:44:06# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:44:06 > 0:44:10# Do, do, come and have a drink or two
0:44:10 > 0:44:13# Down at the old Bull and Bush.
0:44:13 > 0:44:16# Bush-Bush. #
0:44:16 > 0:44:18APPLAUSE