0:00:05 > 0:00:07CHEERING
0:00:14 > 0:00:17Once again!
0:00:17 > 0:00:18BOOING
0:00:18 > 0:00:23Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND BOOING
0:00:25 > 0:00:30Prefiguratively... CHEERING
0:00:30 > 0:00:34..our postprandial... CHEERING
0:00:34 > 0:00:37..peroration... CHEERING
0:00:37 > 0:00:40.."penidarises" primarily
0:00:40 > 0:00:44the Polyphonic Players Theatre
0:00:44 > 0:00:47and the prestigious prowess
0:00:47 > 0:00:51of Mr Bernard Cribbins!
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE
0:00:55 > 0:00:59# London, London
0:00:59 > 0:01:03# Good old London city
0:01:03 > 0:01:06# Good for those who coif nice clothes
0:01:06 > 0:01:10# And lots of LSD
0:01:10 > 0:01:14# But London, London
0:01:14 > 0:01:17# Don't show me much pity
0:01:17 > 0:01:22# It must have been built for people with cash
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# It never was built for me... #
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Oh, here we go!
0:01:28 > 0:01:32# Come with me down Regent Street
0:01:32 > 0:01:35# Come with me down Regent Street
0:01:35 > 0:01:39# No more strolling down the Strand
0:01:39 > 0:01:42# Strolling down the Strand is not so grand
0:01:42 > 0:01:46# So come with me down Regent Street
0:01:46 > 0:01:49# And everyone you'll meet
0:01:49 > 0:01:53# With a right too-roo-rah, right too-roo-rah, right too-roo-rah-day
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# If you come down Regent Street
0:01:56 > 0:02:00# With a right too-roo-rah, right too-roo-rah, right too-roo-rah-day
0:02:00 > 0:02:03# If you come down Regent Street
0:02:06 > 0:02:10# I'm Silk Hat Tony I'm down and I'm stony
0:02:10 > 0:02:13# I'm not only broke but I'm bent
0:02:13 > 0:02:18# The fringe round my trousers keeps lashing the houses
0:02:18 > 0:02:21# But, dammit, I'm gay and content
0:02:21 > 0:02:23# I stroll the West gaily
0:02:23 > 0:02:25# You'll find me there daily
0:02:25 > 0:02:29# From Burlington Arcade up to Old Bailey
0:02:29 > 0:02:32# I'm Tony, I'm stony
0:02:32 > 0:02:36# But that makes no difference, you see
0:02:36 > 0:02:40# If I haven't a fraction I've one satisfaction
0:02:40 > 0:02:44# They built Piccadilly for me
0:02:46 > 0:02:50# Jane, Jane, Jane from Maiden Lane
0:02:50 > 0:02:54# She always looked so diffident and shy
0:02:54 > 0:02:58# But although demure and tidy
0:02:58 > 0:03:02# And perhaps a trifle sidy
0:03:02 > 0:03:06# She'd a naughty little twinkle Such a wicked little winkle
0:03:06 > 0:03:10# Such a naughty little twinkle in her eye
0:03:12 > 0:03:16# I live in Trafalgar Square
0:03:16 > 0:03:20# With four lions to guard me
0:03:20 > 0:03:24# Fountains and statues all over the place
0:03:24 > 0:03:28# And the Metropol' staring me right in the face
0:03:28 > 0:03:32# I own it's a trifle drafty
0:03:32 > 0:03:35# But I looks at it this way, you see
0:03:35 > 0:03:40# If it's good enough for Nelson... #
0:03:40 > 0:03:42DRUMBEATS Oh, God!
0:03:42 > 0:03:46# ..It's quite good enough for me
0:03:49 > 0:03:53# Let's all go down the Strand Have a banana!
0:03:53 > 0:03:57# Let's all go down the Strand
0:03:57 > 0:04:00# I'll be leader You can march behind
0:04:00 > 0:04:04# Come with me and see what we can find
0:04:04 > 0:04:07# Let's all go down the Strand
0:04:07 > 0:04:11# Oh, what a happy land
0:04:11 > 0:04:15# That's the place for fun and noise All amongst the girls and boys
0:04:15 > 0:04:18# So let's all go down the Strand
0:04:22 > 0:04:24# We like London
0:04:24 > 0:04:26# We like town
0:04:26 > 0:04:29# We cannot understand why people put it down
0:04:29 > 0:04:32# We know it well and all agree
0:04:32 > 0:04:36# There's no place we would rather be
0:04:36 > 0:04:41# We're very, very fond of
0:04:41 > 0:04:47# London! #
0:04:49 > 0:04:51CHEERING
0:05:00 > 0:05:05And now an unparalleled opportunity...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:05:07 > 0:05:10..for the orchidaceous ladies
0:05:10 > 0:05:13and their attendant and auxiliary gentlemen
0:05:13 > 0:05:18in a prodigality of participatory...
0:05:18 > 0:05:20AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:05:20 > 0:05:23..reciprocity.
0:05:23 > 0:05:28Joining in with the Pied Piper,
0:05:28 > 0:05:30Mr Des Lane!
0:05:30 > 0:05:33APPLAUSE
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Thank you.
0:05:43 > 0:05:46HE PLAYS Yellow Rose Of Texas
0:05:47 > 0:05:49AUDIENCE WHISTLES NEXT LINE
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Not yet!
0:05:51 > 0:05:53LAUGHTER
0:06:04 > 0:06:07Right, now this is where all of you join in.
0:06:07 > 0:06:11HE PLAYS A Life On The Ocean Wave
0:06:11 > 0:06:14AUDIENCE WHISTLES NEXT LINE
0:06:16 > 0:06:19HE PLAYS It's A Long Way To Tipperary
0:06:19 > 0:06:24- AUDIENCE:- # It's a long way to go
0:06:24 > 0:06:27# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:06:27 > 0:06:32# To the sweetest girl I know
0:06:32 > 0:06:34# Goodbye, Piccadilly. #
0:06:34 > 0:06:36I'm not going to play!
0:06:36 > 0:06:39# Farewell, Leicester Square
0:06:39 > 0:06:43# It's a long, long way to Tipperary
0:06:43 > 0:06:45# But my heart's right there. #
0:06:45 > 0:06:47All right, if you know the words, everybody sing!
0:06:47 > 0:06:51# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:06:51 > 0:06:54# It's a long way to go
0:06:54 > 0:06:59# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:06:59 > 0:07:03# To the sweetest girl I know
0:07:03 > 0:07:07# Goodbye, Piccadilly
0:07:07 > 0:07:10# Farewell, Leicester Square
0:07:10 > 0:07:15# It's a long, long way to Tipperary
0:07:15 > 0:07:17# But my heart's right there. #
0:07:17 > 0:07:19That's fine. Two to go.
0:07:19 > 0:07:21HE PLAYS POP GOES THE WEASEL
0:07:21 > 0:07:23- AUDIENCE:- # La la la la la la. #
0:07:25 > 0:07:27- # Pop goes the weasel! # - Last one.
0:07:27 > 0:07:30PLAYS MILITARY MARCH
0:07:30 > 0:07:32And don't you dare!
0:07:32 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:54 > 0:07:56Hey?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:08:00 > 0:08:03Ah, you're marvellous. Can you still hear me?
0:08:03 > 0:08:04- AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07I'm sure now you'll remember this really great song that was
0:08:07 > 0:08:09written all about the blues.
0:08:09 > 0:08:13HE PLAYS Birth Of The Blues
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- AUDIENCE:- # The birth of the blues. #
0:08:43 > 0:08:47- AUDIENCE:- # The birth of the blues. #
0:09:21 > 0:09:25- AUDIENCE:- # The birth of the blues. #
0:09:26 > 0:09:31# And then from a whippoorwill up high on a hill
0:09:31 > 0:09:35# They took a new note
0:09:36 > 0:09:41# And then they pushed it through a horn until it was worn
0:09:41 > 0:09:43# Into a blue note. #
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Now, really go!
0:10:08 > 0:10:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:29 > 0:10:33Jauntily jubilant
0:10:33 > 0:10:37in a vertiginous germination
0:10:37 > 0:10:41juxtaposing joint laryngeal
0:10:41 > 0:10:45and saltatorial propensities,
0:10:45 > 0:10:49two lads singing and dancing together.
0:10:49 > 0:10:54Mr Ray C Davis and Mr Tudor Davies!
0:10:56 > 0:11:00CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:04 > 0:11:08# A song to every mother
0:11:08 > 0:11:12# A song to every Dad
0:11:12 > 0:11:16# You're both so happy with your babies
0:11:16 > 0:11:20# But someday you may be sad
0:11:21 > 0:11:26# When these little boys grow up and fall in love
0:11:28 > 0:11:33# When you find there's someone else they're dreaming of
0:11:33 > 0:11:37# You dream of bygone years when you rocked them on your knee
0:11:37 > 0:11:39# How long you shed your tears
0:11:39 > 0:11:42# But you know it had to be
0:11:42 > 0:11:45# When your little boys grow up and buy a ring
0:11:46 > 0:11:50# When they fall a victim to that certain thing
0:11:51 > 0:11:57# Your dream of childhood joys with just a few forgotten toys
0:11:57 > 0:12:01# When these little boys grow up
0:12:01 > 0:12:04# And fall in love
0:12:07 > 0:12:09# Well, Mama, we're both of age
0:12:09 > 0:12:11# For we've both reached that certain stage
0:12:11 > 0:12:14# Where, to us, girls mean more than anything
0:12:16 > 0:12:20# Tell them all we're on our way and we're setting out today
0:12:20 > 0:12:26# It's the reason why we feel inclined to sing
0:12:26 > 0:12:29# To-o-o sing
0:12:31 > 0:12:34# Put me amongst the girls
0:12:35 > 0:12:39# Put me amongst the girls
0:12:39 > 0:12:42# Do me a favour do
0:12:42 > 0:12:46# You know I'd do the same for you
0:12:46 > 0:12:49# Put me amongst the girls
0:12:50 > 0:12:53# Those with the curly curls
0:12:53 > 0:12:57# And they'll enjoy themselves and so will I
0:12:57 > 0:13:00# If you put me amongst the girls
0:13:00 > 0:13:03# I've a positive itch to get down in a ditch
0:13:03 > 0:13:05# Or again in a lane that is shady
0:13:05 > 0:13:06# With a million patters of filly-like matters
0:13:06 > 0:13:08# As long as the fillies are ladies
0:13:08 > 0:13:10# She'll try to look shy and we'll both wonder why
0:13:10 > 0:13:12# As we're sitting alone in the moonlight
0:13:12 > 0:13:14# And it's perfectly clear my dear partner here's
0:13:14 > 0:13:16# Having trouble in getting the tune right
0:13:16 > 0:13:19# I'll flatter and chat her might even carry on just like a boxer
0:13:19 > 0:13:21# If she tries to resist she'll end up getting kissed
0:13:21 > 0:13:23# Those with the curly curls
0:13:23 > 0:13:27# They'll enjoy themselves and so will I
0:13:27 > 0:13:30# If you put me amongst the girls. #
0:13:31 > 0:13:34Dance?
0:13:34 > 0:13:35Oh!
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Ooh!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Oi!
0:15:15 > 0:15:16What about me then?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Well, what about you?
0:15:18 > 0:15:20Well...
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- AUDIENCE:- Awww!
0:15:26 > 0:15:29Oi!
0:15:29 > 0:15:32DRUMROLL
0:15:33 > 0:15:37It's a double act...son.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Terribly sorry about this, Mr Chairman.- That's all right.
0:15:45 > 0:15:48Could have got Danny La Rue for another 30 bob.
0:15:48 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER
0:15:52 > 0:15:55DRUMROLL
0:15:56 > 0:15:59LAUGHTER
0:16:04 > 0:16:06A-one, two, three, four.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10# Put me amongst the girls
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# Those with the curly curls
0:16:13 > 0:16:16# They'll enjoy themselves and so will I
0:16:16 > 0:16:18# If you put me
0:16:18 > 0:16:20# Put me
0:16:20 > 0:16:22# Put me...
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- # Amongst the girls - # Amongst the girls
0:16:26 > 0:16:28# Amongst the girls
0:16:28 > 0:16:31- # Amongst the girls - Amongst the girls. #
0:16:31 > 0:16:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:49 > 0:16:52No, madam, no, they are NOT officially related.
0:16:54 > 0:16:58Resplendent from the superbities
0:16:58 > 0:17:01of Strauss,
0:17:01 > 0:17:04illimitably liquescent,
0:17:04 > 0:17:10Ilayha's lilting legato...
0:17:10 > 0:17:13Miss Valerie Masterson!
0:17:13 > 0:17:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:21 > 0:17:26# There once lived a Vilia
0:17:26 > 0:17:30# A witch of a wood
0:17:30 > 0:17:34# A hunter beheld her
0:17:34 > 0:17:38# Alone as she stood
0:17:38 > 0:17:42# The spell of her beauty
0:17:42 > 0:17:47# Upon him was laid
0:17:47 > 0:17:53# He looked and he longed for
0:17:53 > 0:17:57# The magical maid
0:17:59 > 0:18:03# For a sudden tremor ran
0:18:03 > 0:18:09# Right through the love-bewildered man
0:18:09 > 0:18:14# And he cried
0:18:14 > 0:18:20# As a hapless lover can
0:18:23 > 0:18:28# Vilia, O Vilia
0:18:28 > 0:18:34# My maid of delight
0:18:34 > 0:18:39# Haunting the woodland
0:18:39 > 0:18:44# Enchanting the light
0:18:45 > 0:18:52# Vilia, O Vilia
0:18:52 > 0:18:57# Be tender and true
0:18:59 > 0:19:06# Love me and I'll die for you
0:19:30 > 0:19:36# Vilia, O Vilia
0:19:38 > 0:19:43# Be tender and true
0:19:45 > 0:19:53# Love me and I'll die for you
0:19:55 > 0:20:01# Sadly he cried
0:20:01 > 0:20:08# Vilia... #
0:20:14 > 0:20:18APPLAUSE
0:20:25 > 0:20:28# Romance, a play boy who is born each spring
0:20:28 > 0:20:33# To teach the nightingale to sing a very pretty song
0:20:33 > 0:20:37# I love you
0:20:37 > 0:20:41# Romance, a legend on an old brocade
0:20:41 > 0:20:43# A prince who tells a country maid
0:20:43 > 0:20:47# I love you
0:20:49 > 0:20:54# Now where this whimsy comes from I don't know
0:20:56 > 0:21:03# For when it comes it's just about to go
0:21:05 > 0:21:09# Romance, a flower that will bloom awhile
0:21:09 > 0:21:12# With sunshine from a lover's smile
0:21:12 > 0:21:14# That lover's tears bedew
0:21:14 > 0:21:18# Ah-ah, ah-ah!
0:21:34 > 0:21:39# Yet, when I seek this beauty
0:21:40 > 0:21:46# Flower of youth's first dawning
0:21:46 > 0:21:53# I find a prosy work-a-day world
0:21:53 > 0:22:00# Stretching and yawning
0:22:00 > 0:22:06# Love is locked up in cages
0:22:06 > 0:22:12# Kept for a poet's pages
0:22:12 > 0:22:19# Life and adventure don't seem to be
0:22:19 > 0:22:27# Paying attention to me
0:22:27 > 0:22:33# And so I dream of fair romance and let my fancies
0:22:33 > 0:22:38# Weave pretty stories
0:22:38 > 0:22:40# And though I know they are not so
0:22:40 > 0:22:45# I long to go wandering
0:22:45 > 0:22:51# Amid their wistful glories
0:22:51 > 0:22:55# My princes become what I mould them
0:22:55 > 0:23:03# And they stay for the breath of a sigh
0:23:03 > 0:23:08# I open my arms to enfold them
0:23:08 > 0:23:15# But they're gone like a breeze rushing by
0:23:16 > 0:23:20# Ah, this is a humdrum world
0:23:20 > 0:23:24# Yet when I dream
0:23:24 > 0:23:29# I set it dancing
0:23:29 > 0:23:34# When life is grey, I have a way to make it gay
0:23:34 > 0:23:40# I grab a day
0:23:40 > 0:23:48# And dream of love. #
0:23:50 > 0:23:53APPLAUSE
0:24:07 > 0:24:12Peri... Peripatetic
0:24:12 > 0:24:17perpetrators of facetious flippancies...
0:24:17 > 0:24:19- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:24:19 > 0:24:23..and fatuous persiflage,
0:24:23 > 0:24:27Mr Bill Pertwee and Mr Terence Alexander!
0:24:27 > 0:24:29APPLAUSE
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Ah, all right?
0:24:36 > 0:24:38Sit down.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41Stay there, Gladstone, and behave yourself.
0:24:41 > 0:24:43Oh, my word, what a journey!
0:24:43 > 0:24:44Came all the wrong way.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47Just outside of the town somebody let off a firecracker
0:24:47 > 0:24:48and the horse bolted!
0:24:48 > 0:24:50LAUGHTER
0:24:50 > 0:24:53My man Hampton and I, we've just been spending
0:24:53 > 0:24:55a couple of days at Oakham in the county of Rutland
0:24:55 > 0:24:57trite-nulling.
0:24:57 > 0:25:01Yes, fascinating sport, trite-nulling.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03Yes, funny little animals, trites.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06Smallish, they are, with reddish-brown fur, a pointed face,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08three legs and a wheel.
0:25:08 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER
0:25:10 > 0:25:12Hampton, Hampton, where are you?
0:25:12 > 0:25:17- Here we are, sir.- Ah, there you are.
0:25:17 > 0:25:18It's Hampton.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21APPLAUSE
0:25:23 > 0:25:26- Park the chap all right? - Oh, yes, thank you, sir, yes.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Oh, good, good, yes. What's all this then?
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- The music stand and the hamper, sir. - Oh, good, good.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33- What's this here? - The steering wheel.
0:25:33 > 0:25:37- Steering wheel?- Yes, I thought we might use it to drive home, sir.
0:25:37 > 0:25:40You can't drive a horse and trap with a steering wheel!
0:25:40 > 0:25:41Get rid of it!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43What shall I do with it?
0:25:43 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER
0:25:46 > 0:25:48Ignore him, Gladstone.
0:25:48 > 0:25:51Give it to him! Give it to him!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Oh, I'll do it.
0:25:53 > 0:25:56Do you mind holding that? Thank you very much.
0:25:58 > 0:26:02That's it. Did you bring the lunch?
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- It's in here, sir.- Oh, what have we got today, smoked salmon?
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Toad in the hole. - Oh, that's near enough.
0:26:07 > 0:26:09Let's get on with the music, shall we?
0:26:09 > 0:26:12- I think perhaps we'd better, sir, yes.- Where is the music?
0:26:12 > 0:26:14- In the hamper, sir.- In the hamper?
0:26:14 > 0:26:17Yes, I had to wrap up the toad in it.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Wrap up the toad in it?!
0:26:19 > 0:26:23I'm afraid the batter was still a bit runny, you see, sir.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25There we are, sir, yes.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27What do we need for this?
0:26:27 > 0:26:30Three flugelhorns, bagpipes and a Jew's harp.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34Oh, have you got that sort of thing down there?
0:26:34 > 0:26:36- No!- Oh.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38This won't upset the dog at all, will it?
0:26:38 > 0:26:42Good heavens, no, sir. He's very deaf is poor old Gladstone.
0:26:42 > 0:26:46You know last week we had a bit of trouble with that German band.
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Got a bit excited, he did.
0:26:48 > 0:26:51I think he took a bit of a dislike to the bassoonist, you know.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Bassoonist?- Bassoonist, yeah. Took a bit of a dislike to him.
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- I thought you were going to say trombonist.- Trombonist, no, no, no.
0:26:56 > 0:26:59LAUGHTER
0:27:04 > 0:27:07If I hadn't been able to say bassoonist,
0:27:07 > 0:27:09I'd probably would have said trombonist.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12LAUGHTER
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Tell me, what have you got down there?
0:27:14 > 0:27:18- He's got percussion.- Has he? Oh.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21That's a bit nasty. You want to see a doctor about that, you know.
0:27:21 > 0:27:23He's probably had a bit of a tap on the head.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26Never mind, we'll just have to do the best we can, that's all.
0:27:26 > 0:27:29I tell you what, sir, perhaps I could hum it.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31I didn't know you were a hummer, Hampton?
0:27:31 > 0:27:35Oh, yes, I have a number of proclivities unknown to you, sir.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:27:38 > 0:27:40You getting those dizzy spells again, Hampton?
0:27:40 > 0:27:42I think possibly I am, sir, yes.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45- I think you'd better go and see a doctor.- No, sir, please, no, no.
0:27:45 > 0:27:47Not again. Not after my last dreadful experience.
0:27:47 > 0:27:49What are you talking about?
0:27:49 > 0:27:51- When I went to see the doctor, it was most embarrassing.- What was?
0:27:51 > 0:27:53Having to take off all my clothes.
0:27:53 > 0:27:56- What, the lot?- Yes, sir, right down too my gaiters.- Ooh, dear.
0:27:56 > 0:28:00- What was wrong? - He said I was susceptible to...
0:28:02 > 0:28:03Ooh, did he?
0:28:03 > 0:28:05Did he ask you to...
0:28:05 > 0:28:07COUGHS
0:28:07 > 0:28:08I beg your pardon?
0:28:08 > 0:28:10LAUGHTER
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Cough!
0:28:12 > 0:28:13HE COUGHS
0:28:13 > 0:28:16Not now! I mean, did the doctor ask you to cough? Oh, dear, oh, dear.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18No, he didn't, no.
0:28:18 > 0:28:23But he said I must never ride a bike or wear a kilt in a high wind.
0:28:23 > 0:28:26Yes, unusual. Did he say why?
0:28:26 > 0:28:29Yes, he said I was suffering from some vitamin deficiency, sir.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31He told me to eat a lot of stewed rhubarb.
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Ooh. Will that cure it?
0:28:34 > 0:28:35Well, he wasn't sure
0:28:35 > 0:28:37but he said it would give me something else to think about.
0:28:37 > 0:28:39LAUGHTER
0:28:39 > 0:28:42We can't go on like this. We'll never get home at this rate.
0:28:42 > 0:28:45- How are we going to get home, sir? - You leave it to me, Hampton.
0:28:45 > 0:28:47BAND STRIKES UP
0:28:47 > 0:28:50Oh, that's nice. Very nice.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55# Strolling. #
0:28:55 > 0:28:56Strolling?
0:28:56 > 0:28:59# Just strolling. #
0:28:59 > 0:29:01- Oh, strolling?- Yes.
0:29:01 > 0:29:06# In the cool of the evening air. #
0:29:06 > 0:29:08- Very nice indeed, sir.- Thank you.
0:29:08 > 0:29:12# I don't envy the rich
0:29:12 > 0:29:15# In their automobiles
0:29:17 > 0:29:21# For a motor car is phoney
0:29:21 > 0:29:24# I'd rather have Shanks's pony
0:29:24 > 0:29:27# When I'm strolling
0:29:27 > 0:29:28- Come on, sir.- Thank you.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31# Just strolling
0:29:33 > 0:29:38# By the light of the moon above. #
0:29:38 > 0:29:41The moon above!
0:29:41 > 0:29:45# Every night I go out strolling
0:29:45 > 0:29:49# And I know my luck is rolling
0:29:49 > 0:29:54# When I'm strolling with the one I love. #
0:29:54 > 0:29:57Everybody now.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00# Strolling. #
0:30:00 > 0:30:01Lovely.
0:30:01 > 0:30:05# Just strolling
0:30:05 > 0:30:11# In the cool of the evening air
0:30:13 > 0:30:17# I don't envy the rich
0:30:17 > 0:30:21# In their automobiles
0:30:22 > 0:30:27# The motor car is phoney
0:30:27 > 0:30:30# I'd rather have Shanks's pony
0:30:30 > 0:30:33# When I'm strolling
0:30:35 > 0:30:38# Just strolling
0:30:39 > 0:30:45# By the light of the moon above
0:30:47 > 0:30:52# Every night I go out strolling
0:30:52 > 0:30:55# And I know my luck is rolling
0:30:55 > 0:31:01# When I'm strolling with the one I
0:31:01 > 0:31:04# Strolling with the one I
0:31:04 > 0:31:12# Strolling with the one I love. #
0:31:12 > 0:31:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:28 > 0:31:30From Spain...
0:31:30 > 0:31:32- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:31:32 > 0:31:36Paroxysmal in a precocity
0:31:36 > 0:31:40of percussive permutations,
0:31:40 > 0:31:43El Senor Nick Moll!
0:31:43 > 0:31:47APPLAUSE
0:32:22 > 0:32:25APPLAUSE
0:32:58 > 0:33:02APPLAUSE
0:33:08 > 0:33:10Now, important.
0:33:27 > 0:33:28Sexy.
0:34:47 > 0:34:51APPLAUSE
0:35:19 > 0:35:23Once again for your rapturous approbation...
0:35:25 > 0:35:29..the one and only Mr Bernard Cribbins.
0:35:29 > 0:35:32APPLAUSE
0:35:36 > 0:35:39# When I got home last Wednesday I was feeling rather queer
0:35:39 > 0:35:42# A little out of sorts you'll understand
0:35:42 > 0:35:45# I found a little drinking house conveniently near
0:35:45 > 0:35:49# And I went in with me thruppence in me hand
0:35:49 > 0:35:53# The barmaid she was six foot two and every inch an gent
0:35:53 > 0:35:56# With a figure like a well-made double bed
0:35:57 > 0:36:01# "What can I do for you?" she says and on the counter leant
0:36:01 > 0:36:05# And I gazed into her feather boa and said
0:36:07 > 0:36:10# They tell me there's a lot of it about
0:36:10 > 0:36:12# They tell me there's a lot of it about
0:36:12 > 0:36:15# Some get it here some get it there
0:36:15 > 0:36:18# Others seem to pick it up any old where
0:36:18 > 0:36:21# It's definitely on the increase
0:36:21 > 0:36:23# Of that there is no doubt
0:36:23 > 0:36:26# It's not a thing that you can put your finger on
0:36:26 > 0:36:28# But there's certainly a lot of it about
0:36:35 > 0:36:39# On looking round my property imagine my dismay
0:36:39 > 0:36:42# To find the fence all broken by the door
0:36:42 > 0:36:45# So I popped round to the carpenter
0:36:45 > 0:36:49# And told him right away my perimeters had fallen to the floor
0:36:51 > 0:36:53# He brought some wood all full of holes
0:36:53 > 0:36:56# "They're not holes," he explained
0:36:56 > 0:36:58# "If they're not holes what are they then?" I cried
0:36:59 > 0:37:03# "Of course they're holes, they're knotholes!"
0:37:03 > 0:37:05# He replied in accent strange
0:37:05 > 0:37:08# "The hole's there but the knot is not inside"
0:37:10 > 0:37:13# Well, they tell me there's a lot of it about
0:37:13 > 0:37:16# They tell me there's a lot of it about
0:37:16 > 0:37:18# Some get it here some get it there
0:37:18 > 0:37:21# Others seem to pick it up any old where
0:37:21 > 0:37:23# It's definitely on the increase
0:37:23 > 0:37:26# Of that there is no doubt
0:37:26 > 0:37:29# It's not a thing that you can put your finger on
0:37:29 > 0:37:31# But there's certainly a lot of it about. #
0:37:31 > 0:37:33It is true. It's true Mr Sax, isn't it?
0:37:33 > 0:37:35- A lot of it about these days. - Oh, I'm sure.- Have you...?
0:37:35 > 0:37:38No, well, I won't ask that question, no.
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Never mind. Yes. Oh, my lord.
0:37:44 > 0:37:45You see that?
0:37:45 > 0:37:48That's that Mr Pertwee dog's been up there again.
0:37:48 > 0:37:50- Dreadful.- There's a lot of it about.
0:37:50 > 0:37:52There's a lot of it about, you're right.
0:38:01 > 0:38:02I went to a wedding the other day.
0:38:02 > 0:38:04Oh, there was a lot of it there, there was.
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Oh, my God. The place was overflowing with it. Yes.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10- Can I tell them about it?- Yes, please.- They are safe, aren't they?
0:38:10 > 0:38:12- Yes, don't want to get too close, you see.- Not too close.
0:38:12 > 0:38:14HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:38:15 > 0:38:17The clock in the steeple had struck 13
0:38:17 > 0:38:19the day that this wedding was fixed.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21The couple had gone on their honeymoon first
0:38:21 > 0:38:22so things had got a bit mixed.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25The bridesmaids' dresses had gone astray
0:38:25 > 0:38:27and they only had half their clothes on.
0:38:27 > 0:38:29And a cabbie who dared to ask for his fare
0:38:29 > 0:38:31- had only got half his nose on. - DRUMBEATS
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Hello, are you starting that again?
0:38:33 > 0:38:35All right, just be careful, though.
0:38:35 > 0:38:37Keep it in check. Where was I? Oh, yes.
0:38:37 > 0:38:39In the crowd was the bride's dear mother
0:38:39 > 0:38:42and when asked would we have long to wait,
0:38:42 > 0:38:44she said she didn't know cos the dirty dog
0:38:44 > 0:38:45was already six months late.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48But, hark, there's a police whistle blowing.
0:38:48 > 0:38:52And up goes a rousing cheer as a barrow rolls up with a bride groom
0:38:52 > 0:38:54- and a lorry rolls up with a beer. - DRUMBEATS
0:38:54 > 0:38:57That's a nice one that. I like that, very good. Yes.
0:38:57 > 0:39:00Do you have to stand up and sit down every time you do it? Oh, I see.
0:39:06 > 0:39:07I tell you what.
0:39:07 > 0:39:10You won't half be fit by the end of this number, I tell you.
0:39:10 > 0:39:12Ho-ho!
0:39:12 > 0:39:14Yes. Where was it? Oh, it's the brideman...the beer...
0:39:14 > 0:39:16HE MUMBLES
0:39:16 > 0:39:18You got it, remembered it, have you? Yes.
0:39:18 > 0:39:20And he should have been tall and handsome
0:39:20 > 0:39:22but he suffers from duck's disease.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27The seat of his pants is too near the ground
0:39:27 > 0:39:28and his dicky hangs down to his knees.
0:39:28 > 0:39:30- DRUMBEATS - That's the one!
0:39:31 > 0:39:32That's the one.
0:39:35 > 0:39:36Please, it gets worse.
0:39:39 > 0:39:41But there wasn't a stain on his character,
0:39:41 > 0:39:43except where he sat in the mud.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46He had two gold teeth and a wart on his neck
0:39:46 > 0:39:48- he could use for a back collar stud. - DRUMBEATS
0:39:48 > 0:39:51I wasn't going to have one there but since you've done it.
0:39:51 > 0:39:52No, it's all right. Doesn't matter.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55But all eyes are turned to the beautiful bride,
0:39:55 > 0:39:57her golden hair simply adorning.
0:39:57 > 0:39:58It's her own, you can tell,
0:39:58 > 0:40:01she had whiskers as well but she shaved them all of this morning.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04She had a wedding cake too that comes to but few.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07It was a bread pudding shot with sultanas.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09And the wedding bouquet had been pawned for the day
0:40:09 > 0:40:10so she carried a bunch of bananas.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18Do you want to go out before I continue?
0:40:22 > 0:40:24The theatre's been reupholstered lately, you know.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27We do what any of that. Right, where was I? I've forgotten.
0:40:27 > 0:40:30The bunch of bananas, thank you, Mr Chairman.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32I don't know what I would have done without you tonight.
0:40:32 > 0:40:36I really don't. There's a lot of it about, I'll never forget that.
0:40:36 > 0:40:37Very nice.
0:40:38 > 0:40:41Well, as they walk down the aisle with a fly on his dial
0:40:41 > 0:40:43by the side of the girl he is cherishing,
0:40:43 > 0:40:45the choir sang What Will The Harvest Be
0:40:45 > 0:40:47and organ played Rescue The Perishing.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Then a woman with twins in her apron...
0:40:53 > 0:40:55I knew that would confuse all of you.
0:40:57 > 0:40:59Then a woman with twins in her apron
0:40:59 > 0:41:02and a breath like a fog, only stronger,
0:41:02 > 0:41:03rushed up to the bride and bitterly cried,
0:41:03 > 0:41:05"I can't keep it in any longer."
0:41:08 > 0:41:12"The wedding bells shall not ring out," she cried, all agitated.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15"For she is not Dick Whittington and she hasn't been vaccinated."
0:41:17 > 0:41:19But imagine the poor lonely bride that night
0:41:19 > 0:41:22as she toys with her beautiful trousseau.
0:41:22 > 0:41:24And the bridegroom sitting alone on the floor
0:41:24 > 0:41:27pretending he's Robinson Crusoe.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Well, the tears rolled down her pullover
0:41:29 > 0:41:32and she turned to her darling Jack
0:41:32 > 0:41:35and shoving her hand in her vanity bag she gave in his fourpence back.
0:41:37 > 0:41:40And, then, like a woman, she left him.
0:41:40 > 0:41:43Him, what had staked his life.
0:41:43 > 0:41:45Left him, went back to her husband.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47And him, he went back to his wife.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50But, you see, it doesn't always end like that.
0:41:50 > 0:41:52Sometimes they do get on the honeymoon, don't they?
0:41:52 > 0:41:53Thank you, sir.
0:41:53 > 0:41:57# Two honeymooners rather tired preparing to retire
0:41:57 > 0:42:00# Began to kiss and cuddle on the bed
0:42:00 > 0:42:03# His love it was so ardent that the bed clothes caught on fire
0:42:03 > 0:42:05# "Quick, dearest, through the window, jump!" he said
0:42:06 > 0:42:10# Her nightdress caught upon a nail she nearly fell right through it
0:42:10 > 0:42:13# She hung there with her arms flung open wide
0:42:13 > 0:42:18# The lady in the flat below said "Kindly pass the cruet,"
0:42:18 > 0:42:20# And the firemen down below as one man cried
0:42:22 > 0:42:24# They tell me there's a lot of it about... #
0:42:24 > 0:42:25Come on, then
0:42:25 > 0:42:28# They tell me there's a lot of it about
0:42:28 > 0:42:30# Some get it here some get it there
0:42:30 > 0:42:33# Others seem to pick it up any old where
0:42:33 > 0:42:35# It's definitely on the increase
0:42:35 > 0:42:37# Of that there is no doubt
0:42:37 > 0:42:40# It's not a thing that you can put your finger on
0:42:40 > 0:42:43# But there's certainly a lot of it about
0:42:43 > 0:42:45# They tell me there's a lot of it about
0:42:45 > 0:42:47# They tell me there's a lot of it about
0:42:47 > 0:42:49# Some get it here some get it there
0:42:49 > 0:42:51# Others seem to pick it up any old where
0:42:51 > 0:42:55# It is definitely on the increase of that there is no doubt
0:42:55 > 0:42:57# It's not a thing that you can put your finger on
0:42:57 > 0:42:59# There's certainly a lot of it about. #
0:43:02 > 0:43:04Thank you.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10Thank you.
0:43:17 > 0:43:19There's just, just, just time now for the last chorus,
0:43:19 > 0:43:21Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:43:21 > 0:43:25Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bernard Cribbins and the entire company,
0:43:25 > 0:43:27the indispensable Mr Bernard Hermann
0:43:27 > 0:43:31and his inestimable orchestra.
0:43:33 > 0:43:39And this time chiefly yourselves.
0:43:43 > 0:43:47# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:43:47 > 0:43:50# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:43:50 > 0:43:51# Da, da, da, da, da
0:43:51 > 0:43:55# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:43:55 > 0:43:57# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:43:59 > 0:44:03# La la la la la la la
0:44:03 > 0:44:07# Come, let me hold your hand, dear
0:44:07 > 0:44:10# Come, come, come and have a drink or two
0:44:10 > 0:44:13# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:44:13 > 0:44:15# Bush Bush. #