0:00:02 > 0:00:05BAND PLAYS IN THE TWI-TWI-TWILIGHT
0:00:09 > 0:00:12# In the twi-twi-twilight
0:00:12 > 0:00:16# Out in the beautiful twilight
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# They all go out for a walk, walk, walk
0:00:20 > 0:00:25# A quiet spoon and a talk, talk, talk
0:00:25 > 0:00:32# That's the time they long for just before the night
0:00:32 > 0:00:37# And many a grand little wedding is planned
0:00:37 > 0:00:42# In the twi-twi-twilight! #
0:00:44 > 0:00:47APPLAUSE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:00 > 0:01:02CHEERING
0:01:02 > 0:01:04Once again...
0:01:04 > 0:01:06CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:10..good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16For your laudatory, levity,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19launching, sonorous symposium...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Oh!
0:01:21 > 0:01:26..enshrining the shimmering Miss Sheila Steafel...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:01:28 > 0:01:31..and the noncommittal Players' Theatre!
0:01:35 > 0:01:37# Martha spanks the grand pianner
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# Father whacks the drum
0:01:39 > 0:01:43# Mother in a soulful manner blows the tootle-tum
0:01:43 > 0:01:45# Charlie sings the concertina
0:01:45 > 0:01:46# Bob goes fiddle-de-dee
0:01:46 > 0:01:50# But I'm a brick for I waggle my stick with a one, two, three
0:01:50 > 0:01:54# Yes, I'm a brick for I waggle my stick with a one, two, three
0:01:56 > 0:01:58# A big drum, a kettle drum
0:01:58 > 0:02:00# A fiddle, flute and piccolo
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# Piano and harmonium
0:02:02 > 0:02:03# And many more beside
0:02:03 > 0:02:06# A French horn, a saxhorn, a trombone and a double bass
0:02:06 > 0:02:08# Bows, banjo, tambourine
0:02:08 > 0:02:09# Bassoon and ophicleide
0:02:09 > 0:02:12# A big drum, a kettle drum, a fiddle, flute and piccolo
0:02:12 > 0:02:15# Piano and harmonium and many more besides
0:02:15 > 0:02:18# A French horn, a saxhorn, a trombone and a double bass
0:02:18 > 0:02:21# Bows, banjo, tambourine and what about a harp? #
0:02:24 > 0:02:26APPLAUSE
0:02:48 > 0:02:50# I'm so fond of music
0:02:50 > 0:02:51# Do-re-mi-fa-so
0:02:51 > 0:02:54# So...so...so
0:02:54 > 0:02:56# Thank you very much
0:02:56 > 0:02:59# I take my harp with me whenever I go
0:02:59 > 0:03:03# The fellows all call me the Queen of the May
0:03:03 > 0:03:09# But when I start to sing to them swiftly they say
0:03:09 > 0:03:10# Oh...
0:03:10 > 0:03:12# Oh
0:03:13 > 0:03:18# Touch the harp gently, my pretty Louise
0:03:18 > 0:03:22# Pretty Louise Pretty Louise
0:03:22 > 0:03:26# Do what you like but don't sing if you please
0:03:26 > 0:03:29# Touch the harp gently...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33# My pretty Louise... #
0:03:44 > 0:03:46# I was asked out to dinner
0:03:46 > 0:03:48# That's the meal after tea
0:03:48 > 0:03:51# To play some them some music, I took this with me
0:03:51 > 0:03:55# On bar beef and carrot and trotters we fed
0:03:55 > 0:03:59# When they brought on the Limburger cheese someone said
0:03:59 > 0:04:01# Oh...
0:04:01 > 0:04:03# Oh
0:04:05 > 0:04:10# Touch the harp gently, my pretty Louise
0:04:10 > 0:04:14# Pretty Louise Pretty Louise
0:04:14 > 0:04:18# Just to accompany the hum of the cheese
0:04:18 > 0:04:20# Touch the harp gently...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25# My pretty Louise
0:04:29 > 0:04:32# On my wedding night, oh, I did feel so shy
0:04:32 > 0:04:36# I sat in a chair and I cast down my eye
0:04:36 > 0:04:39# It's two in the morning, my Archibald said
0:04:39 > 0:04:41# You can sit up all night, dear
0:04:41 > 0:04:44# But I'm going to bed
0:04:45 > 0:04:47# Oh...
0:04:50 > 0:04:52# So...
0:04:56 > 0:05:01# Touch the harp gently, my pretty Louise
0:05:01 > 0:05:04# Pretty Louise Pretty Louise
0:05:04 > 0:05:08# If I'm asleep don't wake me if you please
0:05:08 > 0:05:12# Touch the harp gently...
0:05:13 > 0:05:16# My pretty Louise. #
0:05:20 > 0:05:23# Yip-i-addy-i-ay-i-ay
0:05:23 > 0:05:26# Yip-i-addy-i-ay
0:05:27 > 0:05:31# I don't care what becomes of me
0:05:31 > 0:05:34# When he plays me that sweet melody
0:05:34 > 0:05:38# Yip-i-addy-i-ay-i-ay
0:05:38 > 0:05:41# My heart wants to shout out hooray!
0:05:41 > 0:05:45# Sing of joy, sing of bliss Home was never like this
0:05:45 > 0:05:49# Yip-i-addy-i-ay-i-ay
0:05:49 > 0:05:52# Sing of joy, sing of bliss Home was never like this
0:05:52 > 0:05:54# Yip-i-addy-i
0:05:54 > 0:05:56# Yip-i-addy-i!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58# Yip-i-addy-i-ay
0:05:58 > 0:06:00# I-ay! #
0:06:00 > 0:06:03APPLAUSE
0:06:12 > 0:06:15- Provocatively... AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:06:15 > 0:06:19..vociferous in verisimilitudinous...
0:06:19 > 0:06:21- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:06:21 > 0:06:22..ventriloquial...
0:06:22 > 0:06:27From the stomach. ..vivification.
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Mr Arthur Worsley!
0:06:29 > 0:06:32APPLAUSE
0:06:40 > 0:06:42Well, what a lovely audience, eh?
0:06:42 > 0:06:45Thank you for the applause as we came on,
0:06:45 > 0:06:48which is more than we'll get when we walk off, isn't it?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Since we last saw you we have been, me and him, him and me,
0:06:54 > 0:06:56me and him... We have been me and him...
0:06:56 > 0:06:58We have been... Is everybody all right in the ditch?
0:07:00 > 0:07:05We have been all over, not part of, all over the world.
0:07:05 > 0:07:06And he didn't like it.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09He says next year he's going somewhere else.
0:07:09 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER
0:07:12 > 0:07:14You're lucky to see us tonight. What a...
0:07:14 > 0:07:17You're lucky tonight.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Aren't they lucky tonight? Oh, gosh.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23Look at me when I'm talking, son.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28The trouble we had in London.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30We came on a choo-choo, didn't we?
0:07:30 > 0:07:33Didn't we come on a little choo-choo?
0:07:36 > 0:07:38He got the ticket on the last minute.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41He ran on the platform, didn't you?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45I was in a suitcase and he ran on the platform,
0:07:45 > 0:07:48jumped in the train and the inspector said,
0:07:48 > 0:07:51"You're in the wrong train." What did he say?
0:07:51 > 0:07:54"Get out," didn't he?
0:07:54 > 0:07:56He ran to the other platform,
0:07:56 > 0:07:59jumped on the train, the inspector came again.
0:07:59 > 0:08:03What did he say? "You're on the wrong train," didn't he?
0:08:06 > 0:08:10I could hypnotise you, do you know that?
0:08:10 > 0:08:13It wouldn't take long, you're half gone all ready.
0:08:15 > 0:08:17He said, "Get out!" Didn't he?
0:08:17 > 0:08:19We got on another... A-n-n-other. We got on a-n-n...
0:08:19 > 0:08:22We got on another train.
0:08:23 > 0:08:26That drink you had has gone to my tongue, you know that?
0:08:26 > 0:08:31We got on another train and what did you do?
0:08:32 > 0:08:36You started swearing, didn't you?
0:08:36 > 0:08:39Who was a naughty boy?
0:08:41 > 0:08:42Who started swearing?
0:08:44 > 0:08:47Because you'd been messed about, eh?
0:08:47 > 0:08:50And who was sitting opposite you on the train?
0:08:53 > 0:08:54A parson.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00And he heard you, didn't he? He heard you swearing, didn't he?
0:09:00 > 0:09:02Didn't he?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06And he said, "Young man..."
0:09:08 > 0:09:11He said, "Young man," didn't he?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16"You're on the road to hell."
0:09:18 > 0:09:22And he said, "Dammit, I'm on the wrong train again!"
0:09:29 > 0:09:32Bernard, I'm not going to do the song. Understand? There's no song.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34I'm cutting it out.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37I was going to do The Merry Widow. I'm not going to do it.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Now, you've been a wonderful audience.
0:09:39 > 0:09:43I would like to wish you goodnight and always remember that it
0:09:43 > 0:09:45wasn't the apple on the tree that caused all the trouble
0:09:45 > 0:09:49in the Garden of Eden, it was the pear on the ground.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51Goodnight! That's it.
0:10:02 > 0:10:04Scintillant...
0:10:04 > 0:10:09Scintillant from resplendent transatlantic triumphs...
0:10:09 > 0:10:11- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:10:11 > 0:10:14..ineluctably incandescent,
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Miss Georgia Brown!
0:10:25 > 0:10:30# I'm a young girl and I just came over
0:10:30 > 0:10:36# Over from the country where they do things big
0:10:36 > 0:10:40# And amongst the boys I've got me a lover
0:10:40 > 0:10:46# And now I've got a lover why I don't give a fig
0:10:48 > 0:10:55# The boy I love is up in the gallery
0:10:55 > 0:11:01# The boy I love is looking down at me
0:11:01 > 0:11:05# Why there he is can't you see
0:11:05 > 0:11:09# Waving his handkerchief
0:11:09 > 0:11:16# As merry as a robin what sits on the tree
0:11:24 > 0:11:30# Now if I was a duchess and I had a lot of money
0:11:30 > 0:11:35# I'd give it to the boy who's going to marry me
0:11:35 > 0:11:42# But I haven't got a penny so we'll live on love and kisses
0:11:42 > 0:11:49# And we'll be just as happy as the birds on the trees
0:11:50 > 0:11:57# The boy I love is up in the gallery
0:11:57 > 0:12:03# The boy I love is looking down at me
0:12:04 > 0:12:07# Why there he is can't you see
0:12:07 > 0:12:12# Waving his handkerchief
0:12:12 > 0:12:20# As merry as a robin what sits on the tree
0:12:20 > 0:12:24# Yes, there he is can't you see
0:12:24 > 0:12:29# He's waving his handkerchief
0:12:29 > 0:12:35# As merry as a robin
0:12:35 > 0:12:41# That sits on a tree. #
0:12:43 > 0:12:46APPLAUSE
0:12:55 > 0:12:58A devastatingly debonair duplicity...
0:12:58 > 0:12:59- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:12:59 > 0:13:03..in a spectacular synthesis
0:13:03 > 0:13:06of incantatory and saltatory...
0:13:06 > 0:13:08- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:13:08 > 0:13:10- ..simultaneity. AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:13:10 > 0:13:13Two lads singing and dancing together.
0:13:13 > 0:13:17Ladies and gentlemen, Ray C Davis and Tudor Davies.
0:13:35 > 0:13:37# Tell me, have you seen the latest dance that's come along?
0:13:37 > 0:13:40# Why don't you go and get your Sunday hat and jacket on?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# There's going to be some jollity
0:13:43 > 0:13:46# Come along, join the song Help us sing a soppy song
0:13:46 > 0:13:49# I tell you it's the greatest thing creation's ever known
0:13:49 > 0:13:52# Take a tip or two and see
0:13:52 > 0:13:54# Hold tight You're all right
0:13:54 > 0:13:57# When you do the H-O-P
0:13:57 > 0:14:00# Hop, hop, come and do the kangaroo hop
0:14:00 > 0:14:02# Hop, hop, it's the dance for me and you
0:14:02 > 0:14:05# All the ones you did before they didn't mean a jot
0:14:05 > 0:14:07# While huffing and puffing and knocking the stuffing
0:14:07 > 0:14:08# Right out of the pot
0:14:08 > 0:14:10# Hop, hop, hear the music going pop
0:14:10 > 0:14:12# You'll never, never want to stop
0:14:12 > 0:14:16# There's no other kind of dance at all
0:14:16 > 0:14:18# So come along, my honey make the others look small
0:14:18 > 0:14:21# Come and do the kangaroo
0:14:21 > 0:14:23# Come and do the kangaroo. #
0:14:23 > 0:14:25One, two, three, four.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59THEY WHISTLE
0:15:00 > 0:15:02LAUGHTER
0:15:02 > 0:15:04Oh, brother dear, brother dear.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Do you not find the atmosphere in this fine old theatre
0:15:07 > 0:15:09- decidedly bucolic?- Pardon?
0:15:09 > 0:15:11- Bucolic, bucolic! - All right, all right!
0:15:11 > 0:15:14It's that kipper he had at breakfast.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17I feel like doing something forwards as well as backwards.
0:15:17 > 0:15:19No, forwards, and very daring.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20- I know.- Yes?
0:15:20 > 0:15:23Why don't we invite some of these lovely ladies in the audience
0:15:23 > 0:15:26to join with us in a little...
0:15:26 > 0:15:27LAUGHTER
0:15:27 > 0:15:31- A terpsichorean display. - We'll get arrested.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33- BOTH:- You take the left, I'll take the right.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Right, now, who's going to come and dance with me?
0:15:37 > 0:15:39- Who's going to dance with me? - I think there's one there.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42Come on, come and have a dance.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- Up you come.- What's your name, my darling?
0:15:45 > 0:15:47- Deborah. - I've got the Deborah.
0:15:47 > 0:15:49APPLAUSE
0:15:49 > 0:15:51That's one. Come on, my darling.
0:15:54 > 0:15:57What's your name? You're not with anyone you shouldn't be, are you?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00- No!- Here we go. Whoa!
0:16:04 > 0:16:06Here we go. Well, I've got two.
0:16:06 > 0:16:08Pop up...
0:16:08 > 0:16:10That's one. Where's another one?
0:16:10 > 0:16:13- Sandra I've got.- Never mind, you can get some ointment for it.
0:16:13 > 0:16:15- Round you go.- Right, follow me, ladies.- Here we go.
0:16:15 > 0:16:18# La-da-dya
0:16:18 > 0:16:19# Ya-ta-ta-ta... #
0:16:19 > 0:16:21What do you think they're going to do?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26- You stand to my right.- Here we go. - You stand to my left.
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- Right.- I think I'll take this one. - Are you ready? Oi!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31LAUGHTER
0:16:31 > 0:16:35THEY WHISTLE
0:16:36 > 0:16:39# Ladies, won't you let us whisper something in your ear?
0:16:39 > 0:16:42# We've got some information that we're sure you'd like to hear
0:16:42 > 0:16:45# Come on and throw yourselves about
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# Give a shout, there's no doubt everything's is popping out
0:16:48 > 0:16:51# Ladies, if we saw those frilly knickers in the air
0:16:51 > 0:16:53# That all the cowboys come and see
0:16:53 > 0:16:56# It's a scream, one long dream
0:16:56 > 0:17:00# When you do the H-O-P
0:17:00 > 0:17:03- # Come on and hop - Come on, hop!
0:17:03 > 0:17:06# Hop, come and do the kangaroo hop
0:17:06 > 0:17:09That's right...
0:17:09 > 0:17:12She's going up but she could be going down.
0:17:13 > 0:17:16Oh! Oh!
0:17:16 > 0:17:18Round in a circle. Come on, girls...
0:17:19 > 0:17:21# You'll never, never want to stop
0:17:25 > 0:17:27# Come and do the kangaroo
0:17:27 > 0:17:28# Come and do the kangaroo
0:17:28 > 0:17:30# Come and do the kangaroo
0:17:30 > 0:17:36# K-A-N-G-A-R-OO... #
0:17:43 > 0:17:48Here we go. Follow me.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52There we go, my darling.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57And the next one. Can you make it?
0:17:57 > 0:17:59Thank you very much, ladies.
0:17:59 > 0:18:02- Here we go. Weren't they wonderful? - APPLAUSE
0:18:08 > 0:18:09# Come and do the kangaroo
0:18:09 > 0:18:10# Come and do the kangaroo
0:18:10 > 0:18:12# Come and do the kangaroo
0:18:12 > 0:18:17# K-A-N-G-A-R-OO... #
0:18:34 > 0:18:39As you see above, floating infatuatingly...
0:18:39 > 0:18:42- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:18:42 > 0:18:46..effervescent, that ineffably numinous...
0:18:46 > 0:18:48- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:18:48 > 0:18:51..nenuphar nubility.
0:18:51 > 0:18:55The one and only, Miss Eira Heath!
0:19:03 > 0:19:08# Swing me just a little bit higher
0:19:08 > 0:19:10# Obadiah, do
0:19:12 > 0:19:15# Swing me just a little bit higher
0:19:15 > 0:19:19# And I'll love you
0:19:21 > 0:19:25# Tie me on and I'll never fall
0:19:25 > 0:19:29# Swing me over the garden wall
0:19:29 > 0:19:33# Just a little bit higher
0:19:33 > 0:19:38# Obadiah, do
0:19:38 > 0:19:42# Swing me just a little bit higher
0:19:42 > 0:19:44# Obadiah, do
0:19:46 > 0:19:50# Swing me just a little bit higher
0:19:50 > 0:19:54# And I'll love you
0:19:54 > 0:19:59# Tie me on and I'll never fall
0:19:59 > 0:20:03# Swing me over the garden wall
0:20:03 > 0:20:08# Just a little bit higher
0:20:08 > 0:20:13# Obadiah, do. #
0:20:15 > 0:20:17APPLAUSE
0:20:34 > 0:20:39Now, Albert and his auxiliaries, having eliminated
0:20:39 > 0:20:43- the impedimenta of illusion... AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:20:43 > 0:20:47Once again vociferous transformation,
0:20:47 > 0:20:52ever adorable, Miss Eira Heath.
0:20:52 > 0:20:54APPLAUSE
0:21:01 > 0:21:05# Tommy met Kitty in the subway one day
0:21:05 > 0:21:09# Vowed she was sweeter than the flowers in May
0:21:09 > 0:21:16# He soon found out that pretty Kitty went every day up to the city
0:21:16 > 0:21:20# She was engaged to answer telephone calls
0:21:20 > 0:21:24# And when rung up one day
0:21:24 > 0:21:28# As she cried, "Hello!" through the telephone
0:21:28 > 0:21:32# She heard her new boy say
0:21:34 > 0:21:41# Kitty, Kitty, isn't it a pity in the city you work so hard
0:21:41 > 0:21:46# With your one, two, three, four, five
0:21:46 > 0:21:50# Or six, seven, eight...
0:21:50 > 0:21:57# Kitty, Kitty, isn't it a pity that you're wasting so much time
0:21:58 > 0:22:02# With your lips close to the telephone
0:22:02 > 0:22:07# When they might be close to mine?
0:22:07 > 0:22:11# Kitty said you are far too forward I fear
0:22:11 > 0:22:16# You must remember I'm on business here
0:22:16 > 0:22:19# And I'm afraid your conversation
0:22:19 > 0:22:23# Sounds like a naughty boy's flirtation
0:22:23 > 0:22:28# People will think that we're too long engaged
0:22:28 > 0:22:32# How can that be? said he
0:22:32 > 0:22:40# I'm not engaged, dear, to anyone but I should like to be
0:22:41 > 0:22:49# Kitty, Kitty, isn't it a pity in the city you work so hard
0:22:49 > 0:22:53# With your one, two, three, four, five
0:22:53 > 0:22:58# Or six, seven, eight...
0:22:58 > 0:23:05# Kitty, Kitty, isn't it a pity that you're wasting so much time
0:23:05 > 0:23:09# With your lips close to the telephone
0:23:09 > 0:23:14# When they might be close to mine?
0:23:14 > 0:23:19# With your lips close to the telephone
0:23:19 > 0:23:27# When they might be close to mine? #
0:23:27 > 0:23:30APPLAUSE
0:23:43 > 0:23:46- Ingratiating.... AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:23:46 > 0:23:49- In gregarious garrulity... AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:23:49 > 0:23:53Endearing and diminutive dronery,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56your own, my own, everybody's own,
0:23:56 > 0:23:59Mr Arthur Askey! APPLAUSE
0:24:13 > 0:24:17- Hello, playmates! - AUDIENCE:- Hello!
0:24:17 > 0:24:19Ay-thang-yaw!
0:24:19 > 0:24:25# The girl I love is up in the gallery...
0:24:25 > 0:24:28# The girl I love has gone to have...
0:24:28 > 0:24:30# Have her tea. #
0:24:32 > 0:24:36Well, anyway, this is where the programme bucks up now, playmates.
0:24:36 > 0:24:39I...
0:24:39 > 0:24:44- Here and now... - AUDIENCE:- Before your very eyes.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Go and find your own catchphrase.
0:24:49 > 0:24:52Anyway, I'm going to sing a little song I haven't sung for a long time
0:24:52 > 0:24:54and it is called The Worm.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06# I am a sweet little wriggling worm
0:25:06 > 0:25:10# Covered in mud from head to stern
0:25:10 > 0:25:14# Passing the time from night till morn
0:25:14 > 0:25:18# Leaving little casts in the middle of the lawn
0:25:18 > 0:25:22# Just an ordinary little worm
0:25:22 > 0:25:24# Squiggy, squiggy, squiggy, squiggy
0:25:24 > 0:25:28# Squirm, squirm, squirm
0:25:34 > 0:25:37# I am a sweet little wriggling worm
0:25:38 > 0:25:42# One of the sort that rarely turn
0:25:42 > 0:25:45# I'd rather be out in a storm or a blizzard
0:25:45 > 0:25:50# Than filling empty spaces in the blackbird's gizzard
0:25:50 > 0:25:54# Just an ordinary little worm
0:25:54 > 0:25:56# Squiggy, squiggy, squiggy, squiggy
0:25:56 > 0:25:59# Squirm, squirm, squirm. #
0:25:59 > 0:26:02I told you it was all right. He said, "It's rubbish!"
0:26:06 > 0:26:10# I am a sweet little wriggling worm
0:26:10 > 0:26:14# Haven't any hair so I don't need a perm
0:26:14 > 0:26:16# But one day it will be my fate
0:26:16 > 0:26:22# Sitting on the pin as a small boy's bait
0:26:22 > 0:26:26# That's the end of every little worm
0:26:26 > 0:26:28# Squiggy, squiggy, squiggy, squiggy
0:26:28 > 0:26:31# Squirm, squirm, squirm
0:26:31 > 0:26:33# Squirm! #
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Thank you. See?
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Thank you.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54That's it, start the silver collection!
0:26:54 > 0:26:57Anyway, that's lovely, playmates.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- Do you like the suit? - AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:26:59 > 0:27:00Smart, isn't it?
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Well, I was recommended, you see, by a friend of mine.
0:27:03 > 0:27:06I went to this tailors and it was a lady.
0:27:06 > 0:27:07A lady tailor, yes!
0:27:07 > 0:27:10So I started walking out of the shop, she said,
0:27:10 > 0:27:15"Oh, don't be silly, come back." I've done a lot of men."
0:27:15 > 0:27:18What did you do then? Did you move?
0:27:18 > 0:27:22So, anyway, she said, "I'll measure you for your trousers first."
0:27:22 > 0:27:27So she got an inch tape and she went round my waist. She said, "32."
0:27:27 > 0:27:30Then round the hips. "34"
0:27:30 > 0:27:34Then she said, "I'll take the inside leg now. 28."
0:27:36 > 0:27:38She said, "I'll measure you for your jacket now."
0:27:38 > 0:27:42I said, "To hell with the jacket, I'll have another pair of trousers!"
0:27:45 > 0:27:48To conclude this rather amazing and versatile act of mine, I...
0:27:48 > 0:27:51I'm going to sing you another of my little songs.
0:27:51 > 0:27:55This one I wrote this myself years ago, and it's called The Seagull.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02# I'm a silly seagull flying in the sky
0:28:02 > 0:28:05# Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever so high
0:28:05 > 0:28:07# Two big wings and a large yellow beak
0:28:07 > 0:28:10# Feathers on my chassis oh, I do look chic
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# Flying very high, flying very low
0:28:12 > 0:28:15# You can never catch me Oh, dear, no!
0:28:15 > 0:28:18# Happy at the seaside never having words
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# Happier in Chelsea with the other birds
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# Just a silly seagull, that's all
0:28:22 > 0:28:25# Fly away Peter, fly away Paul
0:28:29 > 0:28:31# I'm a silly seagull flying in the sky
0:28:31 > 0:28:35# Ever, ever, ever, ever, ever so high
0:28:35 > 0:28:37# Though I cannot sing like the birdies in the park,
0:28:37 > 0:28:40# Don't think I'm a sissy cos I often have a lark
0:28:40 > 0:28:42# Flying very high, flying very low,
0:28:42 > 0:28:44# You can never catch me Oh, dear, no!
0:28:44 > 0:28:47# When the weather's stormy, we have got your skin
0:28:47 > 0:28:49# You'll never find a seagull suffer from the wind
0:28:49 > 0:28:52# Just a silly seagull, that's all
0:28:52 > 0:28:54# Fly away Peter, fly away Fred...
0:28:54 > 0:28:57# Paul!
0:28:57 > 0:28:59# Just a silly seagull, that's all
0:28:59 > 0:29:05# Fly away Peter, fly away Paul. #
0:29:24 > 0:29:28I shan't apologise for introducing my next performer,
0:29:28 > 0:29:32although by the time she's finished you might think I should have.
0:29:32 > 0:29:37I have been persuaded by her mother, Lady Wellington Boot...
0:29:37 > 0:29:39LAUGHTER
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Suffice to say, ladies and gentleman,
0:29:41 > 0:29:43I am going to introduce a performer
0:29:43 > 0:29:45who has never before appeared in public,
0:29:45 > 0:29:47given a performance in public, and I give you...
0:29:47 > 0:29:50For your astonishment, ladies and gentlemen,
0:29:50 > 0:29:53I give you the Honourable E...
0:29:53 > 0:29:55Miss E Wellington Boot.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58# My name's Emmeline
0:30:59 > 0:31:03# And I've a great surprise for you
0:31:08 > 0:31:11# I bet you think I'm 31
0:31:13 > 0:31:16# I'm not, I'm 32
0:31:27 > 0:31:30# And yesterday I said, "Mamma...
0:31:31 > 0:31:33# "Why can't I have a beau?"
0:31:33 > 0:31:38# She said, "My pet Oh, no, not yet
0:31:39 > 0:31:41# "Cos you're too young, you know"
0:31:47 > 0:31:50# I'm a little too young to know, you know
0:31:54 > 0:31:56# I'm a little too young to know
0:31:59 > 0:32:03# Some day I'll be older when I'm a bit bolder
0:32:03 > 0:32:05# But now I'm too young to know
0:32:08 > 0:32:12# The other day I asked Mamma because Mamma knows best
0:32:12 > 0:32:16# Why other girls have bosoms and I've only got a chest
0:32:29 > 0:32:33# "Some girls develop fast," she said
0:32:33 > 0:32:35# "And some develop slow"
0:32:35 > 0:32:40# But cousin Dan says great oaks can from little acorns grow
0:32:42 > 0:32:44# I hope so
0:32:47 > 0:32:50# I'm a little too young to know, you know
0:32:53 > 0:32:55# I'm a little too young to know
0:32:58 > 0:33:02# Some day I'll be bolder when I'm a bit older
0:33:02 > 0:33:04# But now I'm too young to know
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Come here!
0:33:15 > 0:33:17LAUGHTER
0:33:43 > 0:33:49# Mamma says that although I'm plain my hands and feet are nice
0:33:49 > 0:33:55# To use them to advantage I asked Uncle Bill's advice
0:33:55 > 0:33:58# "Keep both your hands above your waist
0:33:58 > 0:34:01# "And both your feet below
0:34:06 > 0:34:10# "And when you can, do use your fan
0:34:10 > 0:34:14# "And let your assets show"
0:34:16 > 0:34:19# I'm a little too young to know, you know
0:34:21 > 0:34:24# I'm a little too young to know
0:34:30 > 0:34:33# Someday I'll be bolder when I'm a bit older
0:34:33 > 0:34:36# But now I'm too young to know
0:34:36 > 0:34:39# I'm a little too young to know, you know
0:34:42 > 0:34:44# I'm a little too young to know
0:34:52 > 0:34:55# You wait till I'm 40
0:34:57 > 0:34:59# I'm going to be naughty. #
0:35:01 > 0:35:03APPLAUSE
0:35:20 > 0:35:24Well, I do hope I haven't started something.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26That was of course Miss Sheila Steafel.
0:35:26 > 0:35:30- And, now, corybantically coordinating... AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:35:31 > 0:35:35..in a Cockney Cantata,
0:35:35 > 0:35:41we give you the Players' Theatre and gorgeous Georgia Brown!
0:35:41 > 0:35:43APPLAUSE
0:35:45 > 0:35:47# Wotcha!
0:35:47 > 0:35:50# "Wotcha!" All the neighbours cried
0:35:50 > 0:35:54# "Who're you goin' to meet, Bill? Have yer bought the street, Bill?"
0:35:54 > 0:35:56# Laugh, I thought I should 'ave died
0:35:56 > 0:36:00# Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road
0:36:00 > 0:36:03# Last night down our alley comes a toff
0:36:03 > 0:36:06# Nice old geezer with a nasty cough
0:36:06 > 0:36:09# Sees me and he takes his topper off
0:36:09 > 0:36:12# In a very gentlemanly way
0:36:12 > 0:36:16# "Ma'am," says he, "I've got some news to tell
0:36:16 > 0:36:19# "Your old Uncle Tom from Camberwell
0:36:19 > 0:36:21# "Popped off recent," which is sad to tell
0:36:21 > 0:36:23# "Leaving you his little donkey shay."
0:36:23 > 0:36:25# Horse and cart
0:36:25 > 0:36:29# "Wotcha!" all the neighbours cried "Who're goin' to meet, Bill?
0:36:29 > 0:36:31# "Think you've bought the street, Bill?"
0:36:31 > 0:36:34# Laugh, I thought I should 'ave died
0:36:34 > 0:36:36# Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road
0:36:40 > 0:36:44# I'm a...
0:36:44 > 0:36:47# Chickaleary bloke with me one, two, three
0:36:47 > 0:36:50# Whitechapel is the village I was born in
0:36:50 > 0:36:53# And to catch me on the 'op All my little games will stop
0:36:53 > 0:36:56# You'll have to get up very early in the morning
0:36:56 > 0:37:00# You'll have to get up very early
0:37:00 > 0:37:03# In the morning
0:37:13 > 0:37:17# Underneath the gas light's glitter
0:37:19 > 0:37:23# Sits a little, mournful girl
0:37:25 > 0:37:29# Heedless of the night winds bitter
0:37:31 > 0:37:35# That around about her whirl
0:37:37 > 0:37:42# Though the hundreds pass unheeded
0:37:43 > 0:37:48# In the evening's waning hours
0:37:50 > 0:37:54# Still she cries with voice so pleading
0:37:56 > 0:38:01# Won't you buy my pretty flowers
0:38:03 > 0:38:08# There are hundreds sad and weary
0:38:09 > 0:38:15# In this precious land of ours
0:38:17 > 0:38:22# Crying every night so dreary
0:38:25 > 0:38:28# Won't you buy my pretty flowers?
0:38:30 > 0:38:32# Won't you buy my flowers?
0:38:34 > 0:38:36# My lovely flowers
0:38:38 > 0:38:40# Won't you buy my lovely flowers?
0:38:43 > 0:38:48# I never was a one to go and stint myself
0:38:48 > 0:38:53# Now if I likes a thing I likes it That's enough
0:38:53 > 0:38:57# And there's lots of people say that when you likes a thing a lot
0:38:57 > 0:39:01# It'll grow on you and all that sort of stuff
0:39:01 > 0:39:06# Well, I likes my drop of beer as well as anyone
0:39:06 > 0:39:10# But a drop of beer's supposed to make you fat
0:39:10 > 0:39:16# And there's many a la-dee-da-dee madam doesn't dare to touch it
0:39:16 > 0:39:23# Cos she mustn't spoil her figure Silly cat
0:39:23 > 0:39:29# I always hold with having it if you fancies it
0:39:29 > 0:39:32# If you fancies it That's understood
0:39:32 > 0:39:34# And suppose it makes you fat?
0:39:34 > 0:39:37# I don't worry over that
0:39:37 > 0:39:40# Cos a little of what you fancy does you good... #
0:39:40 > 0:39:42Altogether!
0:39:42 > 0:39:45# I always hold with having it if you fancies it
0:39:45 > 0:39:49# If you fancies it That's understood
0:39:49 > 0:39:52# Now suppose it makes you fat? I don't worry over that
0:39:52 > 0:39:56# Cos a little of what you fancy does you good. #
0:39:56 > 0:39:58Here's my favourite. Here we go, darling.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00I got to tell you about this little adventure... Do you like my birdie?
0:40:00 > 0:40:04- AUDIENCE:- Yes. - Don't eat much and half sing!
0:40:04 > 0:40:07Here we go.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10# I had to move away Cos the rent we couldn't pay
0:40:10 > 0:40:13# The moving van came round just after dark
0:40:13 > 0:40:16# There was me and my old man Shoving things inside a van
0:40:16 > 0:40:19# Which we'd often done before, let me remark
0:40:19 > 0:40:22# We packed all that could be packed On the van and that's a fact
0:40:22 > 0:40:26# And we got inside all we could get inside
0:40:26 > 0:40:27# Then we packed what could be packed
0:40:27 > 0:40:29# On the tail board at the back
0:40:29 > 0:40:33# Till there wasn't any room for me to ride
0:40:33 > 0:40:37# And my old man said "Follow the van
0:40:37 > 0:40:40# "And don't dilly-dally on the way"
0:40:40 > 0:40:43# Off went the van with my home in it
0:40:43 > 0:40:46# I followed on with me old cock linnet
0:40:46 > 0:40:49# I dillied, I dallied Dallied and I dillied
0:40:49 > 0:40:52# Lost me way, don't know where to go
0:40:52 > 0:40:56# Now, who's going to put up the old iron bedstead
0:40:56 > 0:40:59# If I can't find my way home? #
0:40:59 > 0:41:01'Ere. The story gets sadder.
0:41:01 > 0:41:04And I've lost me breath and I've got to sit down.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06Oh, it's my back, you see.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08It gives me something terrible.
0:41:08 > 0:41:14# Now, I thought I'd give a hand With the marble washing stand
0:41:14 > 0:41:18# And straight we wasn't getting on so bad
0:41:18 > 0:41:23# But all at once the driver bloke has an accident and broke
0:41:23 > 0:41:26# The nicest bit of china that we had
0:41:28 > 0:41:31# Well, I got really mad
0:41:31 > 0:41:33# And I come over really bad
0:41:34 > 0:41:37# Just as any other human woman would
0:41:37 > 0:41:40# But I soon got over that
0:41:40 > 0:41:42# What with two-out and a chat
0:41:42 > 0:41:47# Cos it's little things like that what does you good
0:41:47 > 0:41:50# My old man says "Follow the van
0:41:50 > 0:41:53# "And don't dilly-dally on the way"
0:41:53 > 0:41:57# Off went the van with my home in it
0:41:57 > 0:42:00# I followed on with my old cock linnet
0:42:00 > 0:42:03# I dillied, I dallied Dallied and I dillied
0:42:03 > 0:42:06# Lost the way and don't know where to go
0:42:06 > 0:42:09# Well, you can't trust a special when you've got a reputation
0:42:09 > 0:42:11# And you can't find your way home. #
0:42:11 > 0:42:13One more time!
0:42:13 > 0:42:15# My old man says follow the van
0:42:15 > 0:42:19# And don't dilly-dally on the way Yes, he did!
0:42:19 > 0:42:22# Off went the van with my home in it
0:42:22 > 0:42:25# I followed on with my old cock linnet
0:42:25 > 0:42:27- # I dillied and I dallied - I dillied, I dallied
0:42:27 > 0:42:28- # I dallied and I dillied - I dallied and I dillied
0:42:28 > 0:42:31# Lost they way and don't know where to roam
0:42:31 > 0:42:34# You can't trust a special like the old time coppers
0:42:34 > 0:42:37# When you can't find your way home
0:42:37 > 0:42:41# No, you can't trust a special when you've got a reputation
0:42:41 > 0:42:43# And you can't find your way
0:42:43 > 0:42:44# Going my way
0:42:44 > 0:42:50# Can't find my way home. #
0:42:51 > 0:42:54APPLAUSE
0:43:03 > 0:43:05Now, ladies and gentlemen, there's only just time
0:43:05 > 0:43:07for the last chorus, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:43:07 > 0:43:11We give you Miss Georgia Brown, Mr Arthur Askey, the entire company.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14We give you Mr Herrmann Berman... LAUGHTER
0:43:16 > 0:43:18..and his inexhaustible orchestra. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:22 > 0:43:28- But, this time, chiefly... ALL:- ..yourselves!
0:43:31 > 0:43:35# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:43:35 > 0:43:39# Down at the old Bull and Bush La-la-la-la-la
0:43:39 > 0:43:43# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:43:43 > 0:43:45# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:43:47 > 0:43:50# Hear the little piano band La-la-la-la-la-la-la
0:43:50 > 0:43:53# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:43:53 > 0:43:57# Come, come, come and have a drink or two
0:43:57 > 0:44:01# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:44:01 > 0:44:03# Bush-bush. #
0:44:03 > 0:44:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE