0:00:02 > 0:00:05HORSE CLIP-CLOPS
0:00:06 > 0:00:09MUSIC PLAYS IN THE DISTANCE
0:00:14 > 0:00:16# For tonight we'll merry, merry be
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# For tonight we'll merry, merry be
0:00:19 > 0:00:21# For tonight we'll merry, merry be
0:00:21 > 0:00:23# Tomorrow we'll be sober... #
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# God rest ye merry gentlemen let nothing you dismay
0:00:28 > 0:00:32# For Jesus Christ, our Saviour was born on Christmas Day
0:00:32 > 0:00:37# To save us all from Satan's powers when we were gone astray
0:00:37 > 0:00:40# Oh, tidings of comfort and joy
0:00:40 > 0:00:41# Comfort and joy
0:00:41 > 0:00:45# Oh, tidings of comfort and joy... #
0:00:47 > 0:00:49# Good King Wenceslas looked out
0:00:49 > 0:00:51# On the feast of Stephen
0:00:51 > 0:00:54# When the snow lay round about
0:00:54 > 0:00:56# Deep and crisp and even
0:00:56 > 0:00:58# Brightly shone the moon that night
0:00:58 > 0:01:01# Though the frost was cruel
0:01:01 > 0:01:03# When a poor man came in sight
0:01:03 > 0:01:09# Gathering winter fuel. #
0:01:11 > 0:01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:17FANFARE PLAYS
0:01:17 > 0:01:20CHEERING
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Once again!
0:01:32 > 0:01:37Good evening, ladies and gentlemen...
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:01:40 > 0:01:42Plenitudinously...
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- AUDIENCE:- Ohhhh!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46..provocative...
0:01:46 > 0:01:47- AUDIENCE:- Ohhhh!
0:01:47 > 0:01:50..in epicene opulence...
0:01:50 > 0:01:51- AUDIENCE:- Ohhhh!
0:01:51 > 0:01:57..and orchidaceous androgynousness...
0:01:59 > 0:02:05The lady is a chap, every other inch a woman.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Danny La Rue!
0:02:09 > 0:02:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:15 > 0:02:19# Oh, listen to the band
0:02:19 > 0:02:22# How merrily they play!
0:02:22 > 0:02:26# Oh, don't you think it's grand?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29# Hear everybody say
0:02:29 > 0:02:33# Oh, listen to the band!
0:02:33 > 0:02:36# Who doesn't love to hark
0:02:36 > 0:02:38# To the shout of here they come!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40# And the banging of the drum?
0:02:40 > 0:02:43# Oh, listen to the soldiers in the park!
0:02:43 > 0:02:45# To the banging of the drum
0:02:45 > 0:02:48# And the shout of here she comes... #
0:02:56 > 0:03:00CHEERING
0:03:05 > 0:03:06Wotcha, mates!
0:03:09 > 0:03:13# Jolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldier
0:03:13 > 0:03:17# Girls, have you been there?
0:03:17 > 0:03:21# Why, you know these military men
0:03:21 > 0:03:24# Always do their duty everywhere
0:03:24 > 0:03:28# Jolly good luck to the girl that loves a soldier
0:03:28 > 0:03:32# Real good boys are they
0:03:32 > 0:03:35# So, girls, if you want to love a soldier
0:03:35 > 0:03:39# You can all love me... #
0:03:49 > 0:03:51# 'Twas on a summer evening
0:03:51 > 0:03:53# That I met Georgie Brown
0:03:53 > 0:03:55# Georgie Brown
0:03:55 > 0:03:57# Georgie Brown
0:03:57 > 0:04:00# I was strolling on me lonesome
0:04:00 > 0:04:01# Just walking up and down
0:04:01 > 0:04:06# Up and down, up and down
0:04:06 > 0:04:10# Then George proposed that we should have a wander in the park
0:04:10 > 0:04:14# But I brought up the question of the hour and the dark
0:04:14 > 0:04:16# But George said, don't be silly
0:04:16 > 0:04:18# Why, it's only for a lark
0:04:18 > 0:04:20# For a lark?
0:04:20 > 0:04:23# I'm the lark
0:04:24 > 0:04:28# Georgie took me walking in the park
0:04:28 > 0:04:32# In the park, after dark
0:04:32 > 0:04:36# A lovely summer breeze was blowing through the trees
0:04:36 > 0:04:40# As we carved our initials on the bark
0:04:40 > 0:04:44# Then Georgie made me sit upon his knees
0:04:44 > 0:04:47# For a squeeze 'neath the trees
0:04:47 > 0:04:52# But me mother told me never do sit down
0:04:52 > 0:04:56# But to keep on walking in the park
0:04:56 > 0:04:58# When Georgie said he loved me
0:04:58 > 0:05:01# I burst into tears, salty tears
0:05:01 > 0:05:04# Oh, my God, salty tears
0:05:04 > 0:05:08# But then he held me closer and whispered in my ears
0:05:08 > 0:05:13# In my ears, in my ears
0:05:13 > 0:05:17# The tale that first was whispered by the first man woman saw
0:05:17 > 0:05:22# I often heard him tell it as he'd told it oft before
0:05:22 > 0:05:26# But as he looked about me I said, Charlie, you're a bore
0:05:26 > 0:05:29# What a bore
0:05:29 > 0:05:30# What a bore
0:05:32 > 0:05:36# Georgie took me walking in the park
0:05:36 > 0:05:40# In the park, after dark
0:05:40 > 0:05:43# A lovely summer breeze was blowing through the trees
0:05:43 > 0:05:48# As we carved our initials on the bark
0:05:48 > 0:05:51# Georgie told me sit upon his knees
0:05:51 > 0:05:55# For a squeeze 'neath the trees
0:05:55 > 0:05:59# But mother told me never to sit down
0:05:59 > 0:06:03# But to keep on walking in the park. #
0:06:03 > 0:06:05There.
0:06:05 > 0:06:08APPLAUSE
0:06:10 > 0:06:14- Hello, vicar.- How do you do? - Are we all happy?
0:06:14 > 0:06:15- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:06:18 > 0:06:19# Oh, there's something about a soldier
0:06:19 > 0:06:21# There's something about a soldier
0:06:21 > 0:06:25# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine
0:06:25 > 0:06:26# He may be a great big general
0:06:26 > 0:06:28# May be a sergeant major
0:06:28 > 0:06:31# May be a simple private in the line, line, line
0:06:31 > 0:06:33# But there's something about his bearing
0:06:33 > 0:06:35# Something in what he's wearing
0:06:35 > 0:06:38# Something about his buttons that all shine, shine, shine
0:06:38 > 0:06:42# Oh, a military chest seems to suit the ladies best
0:06:42 > 0:06:44# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine... #
0:06:44 > 0:06:45Altogether!
0:06:45 > 0:06:47# There's something about a soldier
0:06:47 > 0:06:49# There's something about a soldier
0:06:49 > 0:06:53# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine
0:06:53 > 0:06:54# He may be a great big general
0:06:54 > 0:06:56# He may be a sergeant major
0:06:56 > 0:06:59# He may be a simple private on the line, line, line
0:06:59 > 0:07:01# But there's something about his bearing
0:07:01 > 0:07:03# Something in what he's wearing
0:07:03 > 0:07:06# Something about his buttons that all shine, shine, shine
0:07:06 > 0:07:10# Oh, a military chest seems to suit the ladies best
0:07:10 > 0:07:13# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine
0:07:13 > 0:07:20# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine. #
0:07:21 > 0:07:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:38 > 0:07:43Dashing in a diverting demonstration...
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- AUDIENCE:- Ohhhh!
0:07:45 > 0:07:51..of dazzling descant and dancing diablerie...
0:07:51 > 0:07:52- AUDIENCE:- Ohhhhh!
0:07:52 > 0:07:54..French.
0:07:54 > 0:07:55LAUGHTER
0:07:55 > 0:07:59That debonair dynamo, Mr David Ellen!
0:07:59 > 0:08:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:05 > 0:08:09# If you want to get on in a Broadway show
0:08:09 > 0:08:12# You must have a song that is sure to go
0:08:12 > 0:08:15# The kind of refrain that gives you a pain
0:08:15 > 0:08:18# And drives you insane when you hear it again
0:08:18 > 0:08:20# The orchestra's murder
0:08:20 > 0:08:22# It's near and far
0:08:22 > 0:08:26# It's usually sung by a big male star
0:08:26 > 0:08:30# The publisher gives him a motor car
0:08:32 > 0:08:36# And the chorus goes something like this...
0:08:37 > 0:08:39# Adelaide, Adelaide
0:08:39 > 0:08:41# Ever-loving Adelaide
0:08:41 > 0:08:45# Has taken a chance on me
0:08:45 > 0:08:49# Taking a chance I'll be respectable and nice
0:08:49 > 0:08:51# Give up the cards and dice
0:08:51 > 0:08:53# And go for shoes and rice
0:08:53 > 0:08:55# Gentlemen, deal me out
0:08:55 > 0:08:57# Do not try to feel me out
0:08:57 > 0:08:59# I've got the evenings
0:08:59 > 0:09:01# Free
0:09:01 > 0:09:03# Cos Adelaide, Adelaide
0:09:03 > 0:09:05# Ever-loving Adelaide
0:09:05 > 0:09:07# Has taken a chance
0:09:07 > 0:09:09# Talk about your long shots
0:09:09 > 0:09:10# Taken a chance on me... #
0:09:12 > 0:09:14But...
0:09:14 > 0:09:16HE TAP-DANCES
0:09:16 > 0:09:18Yeah.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50# Cos Adelaide, Adelaide
0:09:50 > 0:09:52# Ever-loving Adelaide
0:09:52 > 0:09:54# Has taken a chance
0:09:54 > 0:09:57# Talk about your long shots
0:09:57 > 0:09:58# Taken a chance
0:09:59 > 0:10:01# On me. #
0:10:04 > 0:10:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:15 > 0:10:18# Catch the train for Broadway
0:10:18 > 0:10:22# That's the Yankee badge
0:10:22 > 0:10:25# Just got time to say goodbye that's all
0:10:25 > 0:10:28# So long, honey that's a train they're calling
0:10:28 > 0:10:31# All aboard for Broadway
0:10:31 > 0:10:34# I'll be back again
0:10:34 > 0:10:36# Honey, dear, now don't you fret
0:10:36 > 0:10:38# Cos think of all the fun I'll miss
0:10:38 > 0:10:42# If I miss that Broadway train... #
0:10:42 > 0:10:45HE TAP-DANCES
0:11:16 > 0:11:21MUSIC GETS FASTER
0:11:21 > 0:11:23HE TAP-DANCES FASTER
0:11:46 > 0:11:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:58 > 0:12:01Anthropomorphic...
0:12:01 > 0:12:02- Audience:- Ooh!
0:12:02 > 0:12:05..manipulative mimicry,
0:12:05 > 0:12:10a volcanically cavorting canine chorus!
0:12:10 > 0:12:11- AUDIENCE:- Ohhhh!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13In fact, ladies and gentlemen,
0:12:13 > 0:12:16The Hot Dogs!
0:12:16 > 0:12:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Woof, woof, woof, woof.
0:12:23 > 0:12:29# Ar-ar, ar-ar, ar-ar, ar-ar ar-ar
0:12:29 > 0:12:32# Doo-be, doo-be, dum, dum, dum
0:12:32 > 0:12:34# Doo-be doo-be dum, dum, dum
0:12:34 > 0:12:36# Doo-be, doo-be
0:12:36 > 0:12:38# Ar-ar, ar-ar-ar-ar
0:12:38 > 0:12:40# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar
0:12:40 > 0:12:43# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar
0:12:43 > 0:12:45# Doo-be-doo, dum, dum
0:12:45 > 0:12:47# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar
0:12:47 > 0:12:49# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar
0:12:49 > 0:12:53# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar, ar
0:12:53 > 0:12:55# Ar-ar, ar
0:12:55 > 0:12:58# Ar-ar, ar
0:12:58 > 0:13:00# Ar-ar, ar
0:13:00 > 0:13:02# Ar-ar, ar-ar
0:13:02 > 0:13:04# Pum, pum, pum
0:13:04 > 0:13:06# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar
0:13:06 > 0:13:08# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar
0:13:08 > 0:13:11# Ar-ar, ar, ar, ar-ar, ar
0:13:12 > 0:13:15# Doobely-doop, be, dede-up dedurley-oh
0:13:15 > 0:13:17# Doobely-doop, pow, de-de-up buddy
0:13:17 > 0:13:19# Woodle-de, da-da-lap dap-doodley bo
0:13:19 > 0:13:21HE SLURPS
0:13:21 > 0:13:24# Badely-be, wadidly-ba-de-do
0:13:24 > 0:13:26# Woodley-de, wabap-dap-dibo
0:13:26 > 0:13:29# Waddley-de, badap-dap-ziddo, do
0:13:29 > 0:13:30HE SLURPS
0:13:30 > 0:13:32# Wazazey
0:13:32 > 0:13:34# Badiddley-de-do
0:13:34 > 0:13:37# Woodla, woodlada-da-ditto
0:13:37 > 0:13:39# Darab-bo
0:13:39 > 0:13:41# Waddidley da de, da
0:13:41 > 0:13:42# Bor-ro bap-bo
0:13:42 > 0:13:44HE SLURPS
0:13:44 > 0:13:46HE GARGLES THE SONG
0:13:47 > 0:13:49# Ah-ah-ah-ah
0:13:49 > 0:13:52HE CONTINUES GARGLING
0:13:52 > 0:13:54# Ah-ah-ah-ah
0:13:54 > 0:13:57HE GARGLES
0:14:03 > 0:14:04- Shoop.- Boing.- Beh. Ah!
0:14:04 > 0:14:07# Woodle-up de, da-da-da diddle
0:14:07 > 0:14:09# Woo-de-de, wadlat diddle
0:14:09 > 0:14:11# Woozabada, de
0:14:11 > 0:14:13# Wadlat diddle-de
0:14:13 > 0:14:17# Ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar, ar
0:14:17 > 0:14:18# Ayyyyyy
0:14:18 > 0:14:21# Baddidle bom, badiddle-iddle iddle, de. #
0:14:21 > 0:14:24CHEERING
0:14:33 > 0:14:34CYMBAL CRASH
0:14:34 > 0:14:38# Arh-arh-arh, arh-arh-arh arh-arh-arh, arh-arh-arh
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# Ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah ah-ah-ah
0:14:41 > 0:14:45- # Ruff! - In the shade of the old apple tree
0:14:45 > 0:14:49# When the love in your eyes I could see
0:14:49 > 0:14:53# When the voice that I heard Like the song of the bird
0:14:53 > 0:14:56# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me
0:14:56 > 0:15:00HE HOWLS # I could hear the dull buzz of the bee
0:15:00 > 0:15:04# In the blossoms as you said to me
0:15:04 > 0:15:08# "With a heart that is true I'll be waiting for you
0:15:08 > 0:15:12# "In the shade of the old apple tree"
0:15:12 > 0:15:15# In the shade of that old apple tree... #
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Yes, sirree!
0:15:16 > 0:15:18# When the love in your eyes I could see... #
0:15:18 > 0:15:20You're tellin' me!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23# When the voice that I heard Like the song of the bird
0:15:23 > 0:15:26# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me... #
0:15:26 > 0:15:27Yeah, that was me!
0:15:27 > 0:15:30# I could hear that dull buzz of the bee... #
0:15:30 > 0:15:31I don't remember no bee!
0:15:31 > 0:15:34# Remember what you said to me... #
0:15:34 > 0:15:35You're tellin' me!
0:15:35 > 0:15:39# With a heart that is true Look what's waiting for you
0:15:39 > 0:15:42# In the shade of the old apple tree... #
0:15:42 > 0:15:44APPLAUSE
0:15:44 > 0:15:46# In the shade of the old apple tree!
0:15:46 > 0:15:47# Apple tree! #
0:15:47 > 0:15:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:56 > 0:16:01Well, thank you, everyone, and now, all aboard for the Robert E Lee!
0:16:01 > 0:16:04# Boom-boom-boom-boom-boom-boom
0:16:04 > 0:16:07# A-roo-ooh!
0:16:07 > 0:16:10# A-roo-ooh!
0:16:10 > 0:16:13# A-roo-ooh!
0:16:13 > 0:16:15# A-roo-ooh!
0:16:15 > 0:16:17# Boom-boom boom-boom boom-boom... #
0:16:17 > 0:16:20THEY WOOF THE MELODY TO WAITING FOR THE ROBERT E LEE
0:16:30 > 0:16:32AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
0:16:42 > 0:16:45HE SCATS
0:17:07 > 0:17:11THEY ALL WOOF ALONG TO WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN
0:17:20 > 0:17:22KEY CHANGE
0:17:36 > 0:17:39BIG FINISH
0:17:39 > 0:17:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:57 > 0:18:00Old English sheepdogs...
0:18:00 > 0:18:04trained by Paul and Peta Page and Stephen Greenfield.
0:18:04 > 0:18:09- Our contribution to culture... - AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:18:09 > 0:18:10Thought you'd like that.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12- ..is Corybantic... - Ooh!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16..encompassing arabesques and entrechats, Madame...
0:18:16 > 0:18:18- Ooh! - ..from...
0:18:18 > 0:18:19MAN IN AUDIENCE WHISTLES
0:18:19 > 0:18:24..David Ellen and that coruscating coryphee,
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Miss Jennifer Layland!
0:18:27 > 0:18:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:13 > 0:19:16APPLAUSE
0:19:34 > 0:19:36APPLAUSE
0:19:58 > 0:20:00DRUMROLL
0:20:20 > 0:20:22MUSIC RESUMES
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Get off! Get off!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49DRUMROLL
0:21:23 > 0:21:26APPLAUSE
0:21:41 > 0:21:43MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:50 > 0:21:51AAAGH!
0:22:04 > 0:22:07DRUMROLL
0:22:16 > 0:22:18APPLAUSE
0:23:04 > 0:23:05MUSIC PLAYS
0:23:17 > 0:23:19APPLAUSE
0:23:29 > 0:23:33That prima ballerina assoluta...
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Ooh!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37..was Danny La Rue.
0:23:37 > 0:23:38CHEERING
0:23:38 > 0:23:40Or didn't you notice?
0:23:42 > 0:23:47Anticipatory of your adulatory appraisal...
0:23:47 > 0:23:48Ooh!
0:23:48 > 0:23:53..that entrancing, enthralling threnodist,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56your own Miss Lyn Kennington!
0:23:56 > 0:23:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:14# Now, I've no ears for the music of spheres
0:24:14 > 0:24:16# I'm bored with the study of stars
0:24:16 > 0:24:20# Return to the mirth and the music of earth
0:24:20 > 0:24:25# And we'll dance to the opening bars
0:24:25 > 0:24:30# Your fancies carry you
0:24:30 > 0:24:33# Far, yes, off too far
0:24:33 > 0:24:36# To your stars
0:24:36 > 0:24:38# But alas
0:24:38 > 0:24:43# Fancies fade and pass
0:24:50 > 0:24:55# Say not love is a dream
0:24:55 > 0:24:59# Say not that hope is vain
0:24:59 > 0:25:05# Say not that cruel fate will redeem
0:25:05 > 0:25:11# Perfect joy with pain
0:25:11 > 0:25:16# Look, look not beyond
0:25:16 > 0:25:22# Joy so near
0:25:23 > 0:25:27# Two hearts may not despond
0:25:27 > 0:25:33# For love knows not a fear
0:25:33 > 0:25:38# Love breaks every bond
0:25:38 > 0:25:45# And love, true love, is here
0:25:45 > 0:25:48# Look not
0:25:48 > 0:25:51# Look not beyond
0:25:51 > 0:25:56# Joy so near
0:25:56 > 0:26:02# Two hearts may not despond
0:26:02 > 0:26:08# For love knows not a fear
0:26:08 > 0:26:14# Love breaks every bond
0:26:14 > 0:26:16# And love...
0:26:16 > 0:26:19# true love...
0:26:19 > 0:26:26# is here. #
0:26:28 > 0:26:31CHEERING
0:26:41 > 0:26:44# Wintertime is freezing time
0:26:44 > 0:26:47# Teasing time and squeezing time
0:26:47 > 0:26:52# That's the time to love
0:26:52 > 0:26:54# With your lady love you'll go
0:26:54 > 0:26:57# Skimming o'er the ice and snow
0:26:57 > 0:27:02# Silv'ry moon above
0:27:02 > 0:27:06# Hear the sleigh bells ring
0:27:06 > 0:27:11# Hear them ding-a-ling
0:27:13 > 0:27:18# Winter, winter
0:27:18 > 0:27:24# When the snow is softly falling
0:27:24 > 0:27:27# That's the time to freeze
0:27:27 > 0:27:30# That's the time to squeeze
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# In October and November
0:27:33 > 0:27:37# And December, just remember
0:27:37 > 0:27:43# Winter, winter
0:27:43 > 0:27:48# When your sweetheart comes a-calling
0:27:48 > 0:27:51# By the fireside so bright
0:27:51 > 0:27:55# You'll hug and squeeze her
0:27:55 > 0:27:57# That's the time to squeeze her
0:27:57 > 0:28:00# When it's wintertime
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# Don't be bashful, it's no use
0:28:04 > 0:28:07# Wintertime's a good excuse
0:28:07 > 0:28:12# When you want to swoon
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# Keep on loving every day
0:28:14 > 0:28:17# Talk about the wedding day
0:28:17 > 0:28:22# Talk of honeymoon
0:28:22 > 0:28:27# Wedding bells will ring
0:28:27 > 0:28:32# Sometime in the spring
0:28:33 > 0:28:39# Winter, winter
0:28:39 > 0:28:45# When the snow is softly falling
0:28:45 > 0:28:48# That's the time to freeze
0:28:48 > 0:28:51# That's the time to squeeze
0:28:51 > 0:28:54# In October and November
0:28:54 > 0:28:59# And December, just remember
0:28:59 > 0:29:05# Winter, winter
0:29:05 > 0:29:10# When your sweetheart comes a-calling
0:29:10 > 0:29:13# By the fireside so bright
0:29:13 > 0:29:17# You'll hug and squeeze her
0:29:17 > 0:29:19# That's the time to squeeze her
0:29:19 > 0:29:22# When it's wintertime
0:29:22 > 0:29:25# By the fireside so bright
0:29:25 > 0:29:29# You'll hug and squeeze her
0:29:29 > 0:29:32# That's the time to squeeze her
0:29:32 > 0:29:40# When it's wintertime. #
0:29:40 > 0:29:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:54 > 0:29:58An inundation of nugatory...
0:29:58 > 0:30:01Ooh!
0:30:01 > 0:30:04Trifling.
0:30:04 > 0:30:10..inanities, from that veritable virtuoso of the vernacular...
0:30:10 > 0:30:12Ooh!
0:30:12 > 0:30:15..all the way from Yorkshire...
0:30:15 > 0:30:17CHEERING
0:30:17 > 0:30:19..Mr Duggie Brown!
0:30:19 > 0:30:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:26 > 0:30:28AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG TO MUSIC
0:30:30 > 0:30:32MUSIC STOPS; SOME OF THE AUDIENCE STILL CLAPPING
0:30:32 > 0:30:34LAUGHTER
0:30:34 > 0:30:35HE LAUGHS
0:30:35 > 0:30:37That was... What a marvellous intro.
0:30:37 > 0:30:39I thought there was somebody else coming on then!
0:30:40 > 0:30:43- What a marvellous time. Are you all enjoying yourselves?- Yes!
0:30:43 > 0:30:46Yes. I'll soon put a stop to that.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48No, it's nice to see people, especially at Christmas time,
0:30:48 > 0:30:49because Christmas...
0:30:49 > 0:30:53Actually, Christmas is the time when everybody gets everything they want.
0:30:53 > 0:30:54Ooh!
0:30:56 > 0:30:58I can tell by the smile on your face, madam.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02Apart from a little old lady, a little old spinster.
0:31:02 > 0:31:06She was sat in her attic all by herself on Christmas Eve.
0:31:06 > 0:31:07Awww!
0:31:07 > 0:31:09Not "Awww!" It's "Shame!"
0:31:09 > 0:31:10Shame!
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Thank you. Shame, it was, this poor little old lady.
0:31:13 > 0:31:18She's sat there, just on her own, by herself, on herself, by her own.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20And sat by the fire was a little cat with her,
0:31:20 > 0:31:23and she was just touching the fire, got nothing to do,
0:31:23 > 0:31:26and suddenly out of the fire jumped a spark, and it was a fairy.
0:31:27 > 0:31:29It was a real, live fairy!
0:31:29 > 0:31:31And she was surprised, this woman.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37Well, she'd never seen a fairy before!
0:31:37 > 0:31:39And...
0:31:40 > 0:31:43So, this fairy said, "I am your fairy godmother.
0:31:43 > 0:31:45"I have brought you three wishes."
0:31:46 > 0:31:49And she said, "Oh! Erm...
0:31:49 > 0:31:53"Ooh, you took me by surprise. I was just going to make a cup of tea."
0:31:53 > 0:31:55She said, "You have got three wishes. What would you like?"
0:31:55 > 0:31:59She said, "Oh, erm, well, er...
0:31:59 > 0:32:02"I, er, I wish I was a young girl again."
0:32:02 > 0:32:04And the fairy went, "Bing-g-g-g-g!"
0:32:04 > 0:32:07And she was a beautiful-looking young girl, 22 years old.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09She says, "You have still got two wishes left. What would you like?"
0:32:09 > 0:32:11She said, "Well, erm..."
0:32:15 > 0:32:18She said... She said, "I wish I had plenty of money."
0:32:18 > 0:32:20And the fairy went, "Bing-g-g-g-g!"
0:32:20 > 0:32:23And the place was full of money everywhere. Couldn't budge.
0:32:23 > 0:32:25She says, "You've got one wish left. What would you like?"
0:32:25 > 0:32:27She said, "Well, erm..."
0:32:28 > 0:32:31She said, "My cat's been with me a long time.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34"I wish he was a big, handsome, strapping prince."
0:32:34 > 0:32:37And the fairy went, "Bing-g-g-g-g!"
0:32:37 > 0:32:39And the cat was a big prince. And he got hold of this woman,
0:32:39 > 0:32:41he put her in his arms and he cuddled her and he said,
0:32:41 > 0:32:44"I bet you wish you'd never taken me to the vet."
0:32:53 > 0:32:56How dare you!
0:32:56 > 0:32:57No! Because...
0:32:58 > 0:33:01- Shame! - Shame!
0:33:01 > 0:33:02Shame!
0:33:03 > 0:33:05Mind you, you see, Christmas...
0:33:07 > 0:33:09Christmas is for the kids, because I think the kids are marvellous.
0:33:09 > 0:33:11She was cooking the breakfast, this woman.
0:33:11 > 0:33:13She said, "Willy, go and get Johnny up.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15"He's going to be late for school."
0:33:15 > 0:33:18And he went upstairs. He came down, said, "He won't get up for school."
0:33:18 > 0:33:20She said, "I'll get him up." She went up, she said,
0:33:20 > 0:33:23"Come on, Johnny, you're going to be late for school."
0:33:23 > 0:33:25And he looked, and he said,
0:33:25 > 0:33:26TEARFULLY: "I'm not...
0:33:28 > 0:33:30"I'm not going to school today."
0:33:31 > 0:33:32And she said, "Pardon?"
0:33:32 > 0:33:36He said, "I'm not going to school today."
0:33:36 > 0:33:37She said, "Why not?"
0:33:37 > 0:33:39He said, "I'll tell you why not."
0:33:44 > 0:33:46- Shame for him! - Shame!
0:33:48 > 0:33:52He said, "I'll tell you why not - because the children don't like me,
0:33:52 > 0:33:55"and I don't like them, and I'm-I'm just not going to school.
0:33:55 > 0:33:59"That's it. Finished." And he stamped his foot, like that.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03Which is very hard to do when you're in bed.
0:34:03 > 0:34:06She said, "You've got to go to school today!"
0:34:06 > 0:34:09He said, "Give me two good reasons why I've got to go to school."
0:34:09 > 0:34:12She said, "Reason one - you're 39 years old.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16"Reason two - you're the headmaster."
0:34:16 > 0:34:17APPLAUSE
0:34:19 > 0:34:20Mind you...
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Will you laugh?!
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Then we're on to Hogmanay. Hogmanay's a marvellous time.
0:34:28 > 0:34:32- New Year's resolutions? Anybody thought about those?- No.
0:34:32 > 0:34:36No? I've got one. I've made a Newyer... Whatever I said.
0:34:36 > 0:34:39- Shame! I... - Shame!
0:34:39 > 0:34:41I made a New Year's resolution. I've given up gambling,
0:34:41 > 0:34:44I've given up smoking and I've given up going with women.
0:34:44 > 0:34:46- Shame! - It's been the longest...
0:34:48 > 0:34:50It's been the longest 20 minutes of my life.
0:34:52 > 0:34:55No, because actually, Hogmanay belongs to the Scots people,
0:34:55 > 0:34:58and I never say anything about... Any Scots people in tonight?
0:34:58 > 0:35:01- ONE WOMAN:- Yes. - Who paid for your ticket, madam?
0:35:02 > 0:35:05And the chap in front said, "I did."
0:35:05 > 0:35:08Well, you know your own business best.
0:35:08 > 0:35:10No, I never say anything about Scots people,
0:35:10 > 0:35:12because my uncle was from Aberdeen,
0:35:12 > 0:35:14or, as they say up there,
0:35:14 > 0:35:15"Ay-burr-deen".
0:35:15 > 0:35:19And he died, actually, four and a half years ago, in Aberdeen.
0:35:19 > 0:35:22He died of a heart attack throwing a penny to the children.
0:35:25 > 0:35:27And the string broke.
0:35:30 > 0:35:31Shame!
0:35:32 > 0:35:36He was a mean man. Do you know, he used to switch the gas off
0:35:36 > 0:35:37while he turned the bacon over.
0:35:43 > 0:35:45He insisted that copper wire
0:35:45 > 0:35:48was invented by two Scotsmen fighting over a farthing.
0:35:52 > 0:35:54This friend of his, who was a sporting fanatic,
0:35:54 > 0:35:57because he was laid, actually, in the hospital bed.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59He wasn't playing too much sport!
0:35:59 > 0:36:01And he wasn't in a very good state.
0:36:01 > 0:36:04He was in the hospital bed, laid there, like that, y'see.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06And his friend came to see him.
0:36:06 > 0:36:08I don't know if anybody's been in hospital and had friends,
0:36:08 > 0:36:11but they don't... LAUGHTER
0:36:11 > 0:36:14Well, friends who visit you in hospital aren't friends,
0:36:14 > 0:36:16because they eat all the fruit.
0:36:16 > 0:36:19He just looked at him and he went like this. He said, "Erm, Tommy?
0:36:19 > 0:36:21"How are you feeling?"
0:36:23 > 0:36:25And he went like this. He said, "I'm, er...
0:36:28 > 0:36:30"I'm not feeling too well."
0:36:31 > 0:36:35GENTLY: "Oh, aren't you, Tommy?"
0:36:35 > 0:36:37Did you hear the concern in me voice?
0:36:38 > 0:36:40I'll do it again, look.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45"Oh, aren't you, Tommy?
0:36:45 > 0:36:51"No. Erm, I, er, I don't think I'm going to make it."
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Shame!
0:36:56 > 0:36:59"Oh, Tommy, I am sorry. Erm...
0:37:01 > 0:37:04"Is there anything I can do to help you, Tommy?"
0:37:04 > 0:37:06"Yes." "What?"
0:37:07 > 0:37:09"Well, you know I like to play golf?"
0:37:09 > 0:37:11"Yes." "Well..."
0:37:11 > 0:37:13Ooh, wrong way. "Well...
0:37:13 > 0:37:16"Well, I wonder if they play golf up there."
0:37:17 > 0:37:19"Where? On the hospital roof?"
0:37:23 > 0:37:27"No! Right up there, where I'm going."
0:37:27 > 0:37:33"Oh, Tommy! Well, er, I'll go and have a seance with a medium.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36"Not a com-medium."
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Oh, forget it, never mind.
0:37:40 > 0:37:43"I'll have a seance with a medium and try and find out."
0:37:43 > 0:37:45"Will you?" "Yes."
0:37:45 > 0:37:47So he went away on the Monday.
0:37:47 > 0:37:50He came back on the Wednesday, he said, "Tommy?
0:37:50 > 0:37:52"I've got some good news and bad news for you."
0:37:52 > 0:37:55"Have you?" "Yes.
0:37:55 > 0:37:57"They do play golf up there.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01"They've got the finest 18-hole golf course you've ever seen."
0:38:01 > 0:38:04"Have they?" "Yes.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06"The bad news is you're teeing off
0:38:06 > 0:38:09"with St Peter at 7:15 on Saturday morning."
0:38:21 > 0:38:25I love those silly ones. And especially the sporty ones.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27You know this chap, he was a golf fanatic, y'see,
0:38:27 > 0:38:29and also in his meantime he used to play cricket.
0:38:29 > 0:38:31And he was a very good cricketer.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33He used to play for Yorkshire, y'see.
0:38:33 > 0:38:34He's walking down this country road...
0:38:34 > 0:38:38- ONE MAN:- Shame! - Shame!
0:38:38 > 0:38:40He's walking down this country road
0:38:40 > 0:38:43on his own, by himself, talking to no-one.
0:38:43 > 0:38:47And suddenly, he heard this voice say, "Ey up, Tommy!"
0:38:47 > 0:38:50Like that! Never been introduced. "Ey up, Tommy!"
0:38:50 > 0:38:53So he looked behind, and the only thing there was a horse,
0:38:53 > 0:38:54a beautiful horse in a field.
0:38:54 > 0:38:56He went to this horse, he said, "Was that you?"
0:38:56 > 0:38:59And the horse said, "Yes, course it was. Me."
0:39:00 > 0:39:02He said, "Er..."
0:39:02 > 0:39:04He said, "Can you talk, then?"
0:39:04 > 0:39:07He said, "Course I can. I play cricket better than you, as well."
0:39:08 > 0:39:12He said, "You can't." He said, "Oh, yes, I can."
0:39:12 > 0:39:15Oh, no, you can't!
0:39:15 > 0:39:16Exactly! Have you heard it?
0:39:19 > 0:39:20He said, "I'll tell you what,
0:39:20 > 0:39:22"I could play cricket definitely better than you."
0:39:22 > 0:39:25So Tommy took him down to the nets at Headingley,
0:39:25 > 0:39:26and he put him in the nets,
0:39:26 > 0:39:29and he thought he'd throw a few balls at him, like.
0:39:29 > 0:39:33And the horse went, "Bang!" Four. "Bang!" Six. "Bang!"
0:39:33 > 0:39:35Knocking the ball everywhere!
0:39:35 > 0:39:39He thought, "Yes. We're playing Lancashire. Roses. Ooh..."
0:39:39 > 0:39:41BOOING
0:39:41 > 0:39:43He said, "I'll put him in the team."
0:39:43 > 0:39:47So, the next day, they finish up at Chesterfield.
0:39:47 > 0:39:49They're playing Lancashire at Chesterfield.
0:39:49 > 0:39:52And the horse is in with Tommy. Opening batsmen.
0:39:52 > 0:39:54Beautiful white horse.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58He's got a white cap, he's got his white pants
0:39:58 > 0:40:01and he's got a cricket bat like that.
0:40:01 > 0:40:03Otherwise, he'd have looked daft.
0:40:06 > 0:40:07So...
0:40:08 > 0:40:11..the bowler came up and he bowled this ball, y'see,
0:40:11 > 0:40:14and the horse went four, six, four, all the over.
0:40:14 > 0:40:16Three sixes, three fours, like that.
0:40:16 > 0:40:18So they changed ends and the bowler bowled to Tommy,
0:40:18 > 0:40:22and Tommy went four, four and then he just nicked a quick single.
0:40:22 > 0:40:24And as he nicked the single, he ran towards the other side
0:40:24 > 0:40:28and the horse stood there like that.
0:40:28 > 0:40:30Guess what the horse said.
0:40:30 > 0:40:31"Neigh!"
0:40:34 > 0:40:37So Tommy, poor old Tommy, was run out, y'see,
0:40:37 > 0:40:39and he's walking back to the pavilion, and he said,
0:40:39 > 0:40:42"You're a fine one, playing cricket. Why didn't you run?"
0:40:42 > 0:40:43The horse said, "If I could run,
0:40:43 > 0:40:47"I'd be at Ascot, I wouldn't be playing cricket with you."
0:40:47 > 0:40:49APPLAUSE
0:40:56 > 0:40:59Cos you could tell by my suave attire,
0:40:59 > 0:41:02I'm a sporting gentleman, y'know. I'm a... I like to go to the races.
0:41:02 > 0:41:04I love the races. I backed a horse at twenty to one.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06He didn't come in till five past four.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10And that's why I can feel for this friend of mine.
0:41:10 > 0:41:13He was laid in bed, three o'clock one morning, and the phone rang.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15And he answered the phone, he said, "Hello?"
0:41:15 > 0:41:17And there's a drunken chap at the other end.
0:41:17 > 0:41:20And he said to this friend of mine, he says, "Hello?
0:41:20 > 0:41:22"Hello?
0:41:22 > 0:41:27"Are you the head steward of the...
0:41:27 > 0:41:31"Doncaster...Doncaster races-course?"
0:41:31 > 0:41:33And the man said, "Yes, I am."
0:41:33 > 0:41:36He says, "Well, could you...
0:41:36 > 0:41:42"could you tell me when the next meeting of the Doncaster races is?
0:41:42 > 0:41:44"Are."
0:41:46 > 0:41:48The man said, "Yes, July the 17th."
0:41:48 > 0:41:51He says, "Oh, thank you very much."
0:41:51 > 0:41:53And he slammed the receiver down.
0:41:53 > 0:41:5525 minutes later, the phone rang again.
0:41:55 > 0:41:56He lifted it up, he said, "Hello?"
0:41:56 > 0:41:58He says, "Hello?
0:42:00 > 0:42:01"Are you...
0:42:03 > 0:42:09"..are you the head steward of the Doncaster races-courses committee?"
0:42:10 > 0:42:12He said, "Yes, I am." He said,
0:42:12 > 0:42:17"And did you tell me when the next meeting of the Doncaster races are?
0:42:17 > 0:42:18"Is. Am."
0:42:20 > 0:42:22He said, "Yes, July."
0:42:22 > 0:42:23He says, "Oh. Thank you."
0:42:26 > 0:42:2845 minutes later, the phone rang.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30"Hello?
0:42:32 > 0:42:37"Are you the head thingummy...
0:42:37 > 0:42:42"of the races at Doncaster, when they are...?
0:42:45 > 0:42:48"Well, can you tell me when they are again?"
0:42:50 > 0:42:53He said, "In July!" He said, "Why, are you going to go there?"
0:42:53 > 0:42:57He says, "No. I was at your last meeting, and I'm locked in the bar."
0:43:04 > 0:43:05- Shame! - Shame!
0:43:10 > 0:43:11And so...
0:43:12 > 0:43:15- So, the time's come for me to go now.- Shame!
0:43:15 > 0:43:19Oh, thank you! And I've only one more thing to say.
0:43:19 > 0:43:22As we slide down the banister of life,
0:43:22 > 0:43:24may the splinters face the right way.
0:43:24 > 0:43:27Goodnight, God bless you. Thank you!
0:43:34 > 0:43:36CHEERING
0:43:39 > 0:43:44Miss Lyn Kennington, the Players Theatre and the fella himself...
0:43:44 > 0:43:46Ooh!
0:43:46 > 0:43:51..one and indivisible, the one and only Mr Danny La Rue!
0:43:51 > 0:43:53CHEERING
0:43:56 > 0:44:00# Wine, women and song Wine, women and song
0:44:00 > 0:44:02# It's writ on the pages Of life through the ages
0:44:02 > 0:44:05# That love for them there is wrong
0:44:05 > 0:44:07# Night's turning to day
0:44:07 > 0:44:09# Winter's changing to May
0:44:09 > 0:44:11# The world has been bright The heart is made light
0:44:11 > 0:44:13# By wine, women and song
0:44:13 > 0:44:15# The world has been bright The heart is made light
0:44:15 > 0:44:19# By wine, women and song! #
0:44:28 > 0:44:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:44:33 > 0:44:39# You may study their ways if you can
0:44:39 > 0:44:43# But a woman's too much for a man
0:44:43 > 0:44:47# It is deeper than diving for pearls
0:44:47 > 0:44:50# Courting girls, girls girls, girls, girls!
0:44:50 > 0:44:54# With her fair, flaxen hair eyes of blue
0:44:54 > 0:44:58# She's a long way too knowing for you
0:44:58 > 0:45:00# She is dark, she is fair
0:45:00 > 0:45:02# She may smile or may frown
0:45:02 > 0:45:06# But she's always the best in town. #
0:45:09 > 0:45:12# I'm going to Maxine's
0:45:12 > 0:45:14# Where fun and frolic beams
0:45:14 > 0:45:17# With all the girls I chatter
0:45:17 > 0:45:19# I smile, I kiss, I flatter
0:45:19 > 0:45:23# Dodo, Lolo, Joujou
0:45:23 > 0:45:26# Clo-Clo, Margo, Frou-Frou
0:45:26 > 0:45:30# But surnames do not matter
0:45:30 > 0:45:34# I take the first to hand. #
0:45:37 > 0:45:41# I hear the music play
0:45:41 > 0:45:45# It follows me away
0:45:45 > 0:45:47# All sorrows will have flown
0:45:47 > 0:45:49# When you are mine
0:45:49 > 0:45:53# And mine alone
0:45:53 > 0:45:56# The music seems to sing
0:45:56 > 0:46:00# I'm still not saying anything
0:46:00 > 0:46:04# It's wanting you to know
0:46:04 > 0:46:08# I love you so
0:46:10 > 0:46:14# Though I say not
0:46:14 > 0:46:16# What I may not
0:46:16 > 0:46:22# Let you hear
0:46:22 > 0:46:28# Still the swaying dance is saying
0:46:28 > 0:46:33# "Love me, dear"
0:46:33 > 0:46:38- BOTH:- # Every touch of fingers
0:46:38 > 0:46:44# Tells me what I know
0:46:44 > 0:46:49# Says for you it's true, it's true
0:46:49 > 0:46:55# I love you so
0:46:58 > 0:47:01HE HUMS THE MELODY
0:47:07 > 0:47:12- # Still the... AUDIENCE:- ..swaying dance is saying
0:47:12 > 0:47:17# "Love me, dear"
0:47:17 > 0:47:22- BOTH:- # Every touch of fingers
0:47:22 > 0:47:27# Tells me what I know
0:47:28 > 0:47:36# Says for you it's true, it's true
0:47:36 > 0:47:48# I love you so! #
0:47:48 > 0:47:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:48:06 > 0:48:08And now there's just time to ask Mr Danny La Rue
0:48:08 > 0:48:12to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight.
0:48:12 > 0:48:16Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Danny La Rue, the entire company,
0:48:16 > 0:48:20Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and unflagging orchestra...
0:48:20 > 0:48:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:48:22 > 0:48:25..but this time, chiefly...
0:48:25 > 0:48:28- ALL:- Yourselves!
0:48:31 > 0:48:35ALL: # Come, come come and make eyes at me
0:48:35 > 0:48:37# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:48:37 > 0:48:39# Da-da da-da-da
0:48:39 > 0:48:43# Come, come drink some port wine with me
0:48:43 > 0:48:47# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:48:47 > 0:48:50# Hear the little German band Da da-da da-da-da-da
0:48:50 > 0:48:54# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:48:54 > 0:48:58# Do, do, come and have a drink or two
0:48:58 > 0:49:02# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:49:02 > 0:49:03# Bush, Bush! #
0:49:03 > 0:49:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:49:10 > 0:49:14AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG