0:00:08 > 0:00:11MUSIC: Daddy Wouldn't Buy Me A Bow-Wow
0:00:16 > 0:00:19# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow
0:00:24 > 0:00:25# I've got a little cat
0:00:25 > 0:00:27# And I'm very fond of that
0:00:27 > 0:00:30# But I'd rather have a bow-wow
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# Wow, wow, wow, wow
0:00:32 > 0:00:35# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# Daddy wouldn't buy me a bow-wow
0:00:40 > 0:00:41# I've got a little cat
0:00:41 > 0:00:43# And I'm very fond of that
0:00:43 > 0:00:47# But I'd rather have a bow-wow-wow. #
0:00:54 > 0:00:56FANFARE
0:00:59 > 0:01:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CHEERING
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Once again...
0:01:11 > 0:01:15good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Metropolitanism...
0:01:20 > 0:01:22AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
0:01:22 > 0:01:26..in munificently mellifluous miscellany...
0:01:26 > 0:01:28AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
0:01:28 > 0:01:32Ladies and gentlemen, the Players' Theatre!
0:01:32 > 0:01:35MUSIC: Wotcher! (Knocked 'Em In The Old Kent Road)
0:01:36 > 0:01:38- ALL:- Wotcher!
0:01:38 > 0:01:41# "Wotcher," all the neighbours cried
0:01:41 > 0:01:44# "Who you gonna meet, Bill? Have you bought the street, Bill?"
0:01:44 > 0:01:46# Laugh? I thought I should've died
0:01:46 > 0:01:48# Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road... #
0:01:48 > 0:01:49All together now!
0:01:49 > 0:01:52# "Wotcher," all the neighbours cried
0:01:52 > 0:01:55# "Who you gonna meet, Bill? Have you bought the street, Bill?"
0:01:55 > 0:01:57# Laugh? I thought I should've died
0:01:57 > 0:01:59# Knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road. #
0:01:59 > 0:02:00Wotcher!
0:02:02 > 0:02:05# My old man said, "Follow the van
0:02:05 > 0:02:09# "And don't dilly dally on the way"
0:02:09 > 0:02:13# Off went the van with me home packed in it
0:02:13 > 0:02:16# I walked behind with me old cock linnet
0:02:16 > 0:02:19# And I dillied and dallied
0:02:19 > 0:02:20# Dallied and dillied
0:02:20 > 0:02:24# Lost me way and don't know where to roam
0:02:24 > 0:02:27# Oh, you can't trust the specials like the old-time copper
0:02:27 > 0:02:30# When you can't find your way home. #
0:02:37 > 0:02:42# We've been together now for 40 years
0:02:42 > 0:02:48# And it don't seem a day too much
0:02:48 > 0:02:54# There ain't a lady living in the land
0:02:54 > 0:03:01# As I'd swap for my dear old Dutch
0:03:01 > 0:03:07# There ain't a lady living in the land
0:03:07 > 0:03:13# As I'd swap for my dear old Dutch. #
0:03:17 > 0:03:18# Boiled beef and carrots
0:03:18 > 0:03:20# Boiled beef and carrots
0:03:20 > 0:03:22# That's the stuff for your darby-kell
0:03:22 > 0:03:24# Makes you fat and it keeps you well
0:03:24 > 0:03:26# Don't live like vegetarians
0:03:26 > 0:03:27# On food they give to parrots
0:03:27 > 0:03:29# From morn' till night blow out your kite
0:03:29 > 0:03:31# On boiled beef and carrots
0:03:31 > 0:03:33# I like pickled onions
0:03:33 > 0:03:35# I like piccalilli
0:03:35 > 0:03:37# Pickled cabbage is all right
0:03:37 > 0:03:39# With a bit of cold meat on Sunday night
0:03:39 > 0:03:42# I can grow tomatoses but what I do prefer
0:03:42 > 0:03:43# Is a little bit of cu-cum
0:03:43 > 0:03:44# Cu-cum, cu-cum
0:03:44 > 0:03:46# Little bit of cucumber
0:03:46 > 0:03:48# Any old iron? Any old iron?
0:03:48 > 0:03:50# Any, any, any old iron?
0:03:50 > 0:03:51# You look neat, talk about a treat
0:03:51 > 0:03:53# You look dapper from your napper to your feet
0:03:53 > 0:03:55# Dressed in style, brand-new tile
0:03:55 > 0:03:57# And your father's old green tie on
0:03:57 > 0:03:59# But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch chain
0:03:59 > 0:04:00# Old iron, old iron
0:04:00 > 0:04:02- # Boiled beef and carrots - Any old iron? Any old iron?
0:04:02 > 0:04:04- # Boiled beef and carrots - Any, any, any old iron?
0:04:04 > 0:04:06- # You look neat, talk about a treat - That's the stuff for your darby-kell
0:04:06 > 0:04:08- # You look dapper from your napper to your feet - Makes you fat and it keeps you well
0:04:08 > 0:04:10- # Dressed in style, brand-new tile - Don't live like vegetarians
0:04:10 > 0:04:11- # And your father's old green tie on - On food they give to parrots
0:04:11 > 0:04:13- # But I wouldn't give you tuppence for your old watch chain - Morn' till night, blow out your kite
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- # Old iron, old iron - On boiled beef and carrots
0:04:15 > 0:04:17# Da-da-da-da-la-la Da-da-da-da-la-la
0:04:17 > 0:04:19# Da-da-da-da-la-la That's us! #
0:04:19 > 0:04:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Ebullient in buoyancy...
0:04:28 > 0:04:30AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
0:04:30 > 0:04:34..provocative in piquancy...
0:04:34 > 0:04:36AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
0:04:36 > 0:04:39Welcome to Miss Anna Sharkey!
0:04:39 > 0:04:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:51 > 0:04:56# Once there lived a very martial maid
0:04:56 > 0:05:00# The only daughter of the Grand Duke, she
0:05:01 > 0:05:05# By her nurse in uniform arrayed
0:05:05 > 0:05:10# She was a soldier at the age of three
0:05:10 > 0:05:15# Day by day, the small princess paraded
0:05:15 > 0:05:19# In a helmet of Papa's
0:05:19 > 0:05:23# She was there upon the barrack square
0:05:23 > 0:05:29# As captain of the 55th Hussars
0:05:30 > 0:05:35# She was the captain of the Crimson Hussars
0:05:35 > 0:05:39# She wore a shoulder strap with three silver stars
0:05:39 > 0:05:42# Shaken with doors and hoops
0:05:42 > 0:05:44# Shame filled the household troops
0:05:44 > 0:05:48# She was the captain of the Crimson Hussars
0:05:53 > 0:05:57# Full of pride was every soldier's breast
0:05:57 > 0:06:00# When he beheld his baby captain's smile
0:06:02 > 0:06:05# Officers obeyed her least behest
0:06:05 > 0:06:10# She was the darling of the rank and file
0:06:11 > 0:06:15# At the age of ten she earned promotion
0:06:15 > 0:06:19# Barracks rang with loud hurrahs
0:06:19 > 0:06:23# When that pet appeared in the gazette
0:06:23 > 0:06:29# As major of the 55th Hussars
0:06:30 > 0:06:35# She was the major of the Crimson Hussars
0:06:35 > 0:06:39# She wore an eyeglass and smoked chocolate cigars
0:06:39 > 0:06:41# Veterans and raw recruits
0:06:41 > 0:06:43# Gave her the best salutes
0:06:43 > 0:06:48# She was the major of the Crimson Hussars
0:06:52 > 0:06:55# Later on, when she was 17
0:06:55 > 0:07:01# She took command of that heroic band
0:07:01 > 0:07:04# Victories like hers were never seen
0:07:04 > 0:07:08# Her charms were such the folk would well withstand
0:07:09 > 0:07:14# Every heart that by her glance was wounded
0:07:14 > 0:07:18# Gloried in such well-earned scars
0:07:18 > 0:07:22# Every eye was captivated by
0:07:22 > 0:07:30# The colonel of the 55th Hussars
0:07:30 > 0:07:34# She was the colonel of the Crimson Hussars
0:07:34 > 0:07:38# When on the battlefield her eyes shone like stars
0:07:38 > 0:07:40# As with her cheeks aglow
0:07:40 > 0:07:43# She vanquished every foe
0:07:43 > 0:07:53# She was the colonel of the Crimson Hussars. #
0:07:54 > 0:07:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:07 > 0:08:11Inordinate instrumental inexhaustibility...
0:08:11 > 0:08:13AUDIENCE EXCLAIM
0:08:13 > 0:08:17Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Marti Stuart!
0:08:17 > 0:08:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:29 > 0:08:30My, my, my!
0:08:30 > 0:08:32One, two.
0:08:37 > 0:08:40BUGLE STOPS PLAYING
0:09:12 > 0:09:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:18 > 0:09:19Thank you very much.
0:09:19 > 0:09:23I will now, with the help of this little piece of rubber...hose...
0:09:23 > 0:09:25AUDIENCE GROAN
0:09:25 > 0:09:27..endeavour to give you an impression.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29This is my impression, ladies and gentlemen,
0:09:29 > 0:09:32of a Boys' Brigade bugle band.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34Company...
0:09:34 > 0:09:36Company, atten-tion.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41Company...
0:09:41 > 0:09:43by the left.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Quick march.
0:09:45 > 0:09:48MAKES TRUMPET SOUND
0:09:48 > 0:09:50DRUMROLL
0:09:50 > 0:09:55TRUMPET AND DRUMROLL CONTINUES
0:10:01 > 0:10:03LAUGHTER
0:10:06 > 0:10:08APPLAUSE
0:10:26 > 0:10:29FASTER DRUMROLL
0:10:32 > 0:10:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Thank you very much.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43A little instrument called a tuba-phone.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I hope you know the words to this particular tune.
0:10:46 > 0:10:48If so, please join in. Three, four...
0:10:48 > 0:10:51MUSIC STARTS
0:10:59 > 0:11:00MUSIC DROWNS OUT SINGING
0:11:31 > 0:11:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:39 > 0:11:42Absolutely wonderful. It's your turn now. Thank you very much.
0:11:42 > 0:11:43MUSIC STARTS
0:11:45 > 0:11:47Let's see you all sing now.
0:11:50 > 0:11:53# La, la, la, la, la, la... #
0:11:53 > 0:11:55Bless them all!
0:11:55 > 0:11:57# Bless 'em all!
0:11:57 > 0:12:01# The long and the short and the tall
0:12:01 > 0:12:05# Bless all the Sergeants and WO1s
0:12:05 > 0:12:08# Bless all the corporals and their blinkin' sons...
0:12:08 > 0:12:12# Cos we're saying goodbye to 'em all
0:12:12 > 0:12:17# And back to their billets they crawl
0:12:17 > 0:12:20# You'll get no promotion this side of the ocean
0:12:20 > 0:12:23# Cheer up, my lads
0:12:23 > 0:12:26# Bless 'em all! #
0:12:26 > 0:12:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:36APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:12:43 > 0:12:44The acne...
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- FROM AUDIENCE:- Mr Hall.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51The zenith of esoteric, cultural...
0:12:51 > 0:12:53AUDIENCE HECKLES
0:12:53 > 0:12:58..indoctrination. That redoubtably, indomitable...
0:12:58 > 0:13:00duplicity...
0:13:00 > 0:13:01CHEERING
0:13:01 > 0:13:06Doctor Evadne Hinge and Dame Hilda Bracket!
0:13:07 > 0:13:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:09 > 0:13:11INTRODUCTION MUSIC
0:13:21 > 0:13:22THEY LAUGH
0:13:22 > 0:13:25- Oh, thank you very much indeed. - Isn't that nice?
0:13:25 > 0:13:29Oh, wasn't that nice? Yes, yes. Very nice indeed.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Thank you for bringing us on so nicely, Mr Helmet. Thank you, yes.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33LAUGHTER
0:13:33 > 0:13:35- All right, dear?- Yes, I'm very well, thank you.
0:13:35 > 0:13:39Well, now, I must say this is really wonderful for the doctor and
0:13:39 > 0:13:41myself to be back here with you all this evening.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43You all look splendid, don't you?
0:13:43 > 0:13:45- They do...- So colourful.
0:13:45 > 0:13:48Makes me feel quite shabby. However...
0:13:48 > 0:13:51LAUGHTER
0:13:51 > 0:13:54What we thought would be rather nice this evening would be
0:13:54 > 0:13:57to give you a little piece of Gilbert and Sullivan.
0:13:57 > 0:13:59- Now... - LOUD CHEERING
0:14:02 > 0:14:03HILDA LAUGHS
0:14:03 > 0:14:06We shall have to decide which piece, shan't we? Now, what is...?
0:14:06 > 0:14:10What we have actually chosen for you
0:14:10 > 0:14:14is a lovely song from The Gondoliers.
0:14:14 > 0:14:17Oh, 'tis a glorious thing I ween.
0:14:17 > 0:14:20To be a regular royal queen.
0:14:20 > 0:14:21GENTLE LAUGHTER
0:14:21 > 0:14:23PIANO MUSIC STARTS
0:14:27 > 0:14:29# Then one of us will be a queen
0:14:29 > 0:14:31# And sit on a golden throne
0:14:31 > 0:14:33# With a crown instead of a hat on her head
0:14:33 > 0:14:35# And diamonds all her own!
0:14:35 > 0:14:38# With a beautiful robe of gold and green
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# I've always understood... #
0:14:45 > 0:14:47Lovely note, isn't it?
0:14:47 > 0:14:51- Well, the acoustics here are very nice, you know.- Yes, I know.
0:14:51 > 0:14:54And you see, I've got one coming up in a minute.
0:14:54 > 0:14:56LAUGHTER
0:14:57 > 0:15:00God moves in a mysterious way.
0:15:00 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:03 > 0:15:06# I wonder whether she'd wear a feather? #
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- I wonder.- Yes...
0:15:08 > 0:15:09HILDA LAUGHS
0:15:09 > 0:15:11# I rather think she should!
0:15:11 > 0:15:13# Oh...
0:15:13 > 0:15:16# Tis a...
0:15:16 > 0:15:19# Glorious thing, I ween, to be a regular royal queen!
0:15:19 > 0:15:22# No half and half affair I ween, no half and half affair,
0:15:22 > 0:15:26# But a right down regular, regular, regular, regular royal queen!
0:15:30 > 0:15:31LOWER KEY
0:15:31 > 0:15:33LAUGHTER
0:15:34 > 0:15:36# She'll ride about in a carriage and pair
0:15:36 > 0:15:38# With the king on her left-hand side
0:15:38 > 0:15:40# With a milk white horse As a matter of course
0:15:40 > 0:15:42# Whenever she wants to ride!
0:15:42 > 0:15:46# With beautiful silver shoes to wear... #
0:15:46 > 0:15:47Oh...
0:15:47 > 0:15:51- AUDIENCE: Ooh! - # Upon her dainty feet... #
0:15:51 > 0:15:53That's the other lovely note, you see.
0:15:53 > 0:15:54LAUGHTER
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- NOTE CONTINUES - Pretty, isn't it?
0:15:57 > 0:16:00Very nice indeed. Very nice, thank you.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02Lovely, dear. Thank you very much.
0:16:04 > 0:16:05NOTE STOPS AND LAUGHTER
0:16:07 > 0:16:10Very reminiscent of Lilian Bayliss, I thought.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13She didn't sing though.
0:16:14 > 0:16:16LAUGHTER
0:16:18 > 0:16:21# And endless stocks of beautiful frocks
0:16:21 > 0:16:23# And as much as she wants to eat!
0:16:23 > 0:16:24# Oh...
0:16:24 > 0:16:27- IN HARMONY - # Oh...- # Oh...
0:16:27 > 0:16:29- LOW KEY - # Oh!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31# Tis a...
0:16:31 > 0:16:34# Glorious thing I ween to be a regular royal queen!
0:16:34 > 0:16:37# No half and half affair I ween, no half and half affair
0:16:37 > 0:16:41# But a right down regular, regular, regular, regular royal queen!
0:16:41 > 0:16:42# Oh...
0:16:42 > 0:16:46# Tis glorious thing I ween to be a regular royal queen!
0:16:46 > 0:16:50# A right down regular royal...
0:16:50 > 0:16:52# Royal...
0:16:52 > 0:16:55# Queen! #
0:16:56 > 0:16:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Oh... Bless you.
0:17:15 > 0:17:19I think really, you know, as you're all in such wonderful form,
0:17:19 > 0:17:22I think really we should do something now
0:17:22 > 0:17:26where we can ask you to join in. Would you like that?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:17:28 > 0:17:31The song we have chosen, we won't tell you what it's called,
0:17:31 > 0:17:33but we think you'll know it. In fact, we're sure you will,
0:17:33 > 0:17:37cos we've all sang it at school, I think. What a pretty hat.
0:17:37 > 0:17:38LAUGHTER
0:17:38 > 0:17:41- Very nice, dear. - HILDA LAUGHS
0:17:41 > 0:17:42- Lot of work in that... - LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:44What...
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Well, then there's no more... Ooh! And Mr, erm...
0:17:51 > 0:17:54- Berman, what we would like to do... - LAUGHTER
0:17:54 > 0:17:58..is if we could have the use of you and your instruments, sort of...
0:17:58 > 0:18:00Yes, oh, thank you!
0:18:01 > 0:18:05- Nice man, isn't he?- Yes, sweet man. - Funny he's never married.
0:18:05 > 0:18:07- Well... - LOUD LAUGHTER
0:18:07 > 0:18:09PIANO MUSIC STARTS
0:18:16 > 0:18:17LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:24# Land of hope and glory
0:18:24 > 0:18:28- # Mother of the free... - Mother of the free...
0:18:30 > 0:18:35# How shall we extol thee
0:18:35 > 0:18:40# Who are born of thee? #
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Wider still, and wider!
0:18:42 > 0:18:47# Wider still, and wider
0:18:47 > 0:18:52# Shall thy bounds be set
0:18:54 > 0:19:00# God who made thee mighty
0:19:00 > 0:19:04# Make thee mightier yet!
0:19:06 > 0:19:11# God who made thee mighty
0:19:11 > 0:19:16# Make thee mightier yet
0:19:18 > 0:19:23# Land of hope and glory
0:19:23 > 0:19:28# Mother of the free...
0:19:30 > 0:19:35MUSIC DROWNS LYRICS
0:19:42 > 0:19:47# Wider still, and wider
0:19:47 > 0:19:51# Shall thy bounds be set
0:19:54 > 0:19:59# God who made thee mighty
0:20:00 > 0:20:06# Make thee mightier yet!
0:20:06 > 0:20:12# God who made thee mighty
0:20:12 > 0:20:16# Make thee...
0:20:16 > 0:20:20# Mightier...
0:20:21 > 0:20:24# Yet! #
0:20:25 > 0:20:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:31 > 0:20:33DRAMATIC MUSIC
0:20:41 > 0:20:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:55High altitude-iness...
0:20:55 > 0:20:57- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:20:57 > 0:21:00Transcendental intrepidity...
0:21:01 > 0:21:04Vertiginously vortiginous...
0:21:06 > 0:21:08Virtuosity...
0:21:08 > 0:21:11Miss Engalisa!
0:21:11 > 0:21:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:12 > 0:21:14ENTRANCE MUSIC PLAYS
0:21:57 > 0:22:00APPLAUSE
0:22:09 > 0:22:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:12 > 0:22:14MUSIC RESUMES
0:23:01 > 0:23:03CYMBAL
0:23:03 > 0:23:05APPLAUSE
0:23:47 > 0:23:48CYMBAL
0:23:48 > 0:23:50APPLAUSE
0:24:02 > 0:24:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:09 > 0:24:11DRUMROLL
0:24:29 > 0:24:31APPLAUSE
0:24:31 > 0:24:34DRUMROLL CONTINUES
0:24:37 > 0:24:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:44 > 0:24:47MUSIC RESUMES
0:25:11 > 0:25:14DRUMROLL
0:25:19 > 0:25:21APPLAUSE
0:25:21 > 0:25:23DRUMROLL CONTINUES
0:25:28 > 0:25:30APPLAUSE FADES
0:25:35 > 0:25:38DRAMATIC MUSIC AND APPLAUSE
0:25:42 > 0:25:45GENTLE MUSIC
0:25:55 > 0:25:58APPLAUSE
0:26:11 > 0:26:15CYMBAL AND FINALE MUSIC
0:26:18 > 0:26:19APPLAUSE
0:26:22 > 0:26:24Unequivocally...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:26:26 > 0:26:31Unique, bewitchingly breathless blandishments
0:26:31 > 0:26:33of that phenomenally
0:26:33 > 0:26:36far-fabled...
0:26:36 > 0:26:38LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:26:38 > 0:26:40It's those Fs.
0:26:40 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:44Femme fatale!
0:26:44 > 0:26:45CHEERING
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Miss Fenella Fielding!
0:26:47 > 0:26:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:56 > 0:27:00# Only a glass of champagne
0:27:00 > 0:27:05# But it led a poor girl into sin
0:27:05 > 0:27:10# Only a glass of champagne
0:27:10 > 0:27:14# Was the door where the devil crept in...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18MUSIC STOPS
0:27:18 > 0:27:20LAUGHTER
0:27:21 > 0:27:23# Here is the picture
0:27:23 > 0:27:26# A man and a girl
0:27:26 > 0:27:28AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:27:29 > 0:27:33# Strolling along through the shade
0:27:35 > 0:27:37# She is a marquess
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# The son of an earl
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# She...
0:27:44 > 0:27:48# Is a pure village maid
0:27:49 > 0:27:53# He tells her he loves her again and again
0:27:53 > 0:27:57# She thinks he is loyal and true
0:27:58 > 0:28:01# And then comes the night
0:28:01 > 0:28:04# When he gives her champagne... #
0:28:07 > 0:28:10LAUGHTER AND HECKLING
0:28:10 > 0:28:12Mmm...
0:28:14 > 0:28:15Mmm.
0:28:17 > 0:28:21# And he does what he ought not to do. #
0:28:21 > 0:28:23AUDIENCE: Whoa!
0:28:25 > 0:28:30# Only a glass of champagne
0:28:30 > 0:28:34# But it led a poor girl into sin
0:28:34 > 0:28:39# Only a glass of champagne
0:28:39 > 0:28:43# Was the door where the devil crept in...
0:28:43 > 0:28:46# It's just an old story
0:28:46 > 0:28:49# It's always the same
0:28:49 > 0:28:51# Just like a poor moth
0:28:51 > 0:28:54# She flew too near the flame...
0:28:54 > 0:28:55GENTLE LAUGHTER
0:28:57 > 0:29:00# She opened her wings
0:29:00 > 0:29:04# And she lost her good name
0:29:05 > 0:29:09# All for a glass of champagne
0:29:13 > 0:29:15# Think of her future
0:29:15 > 0:29:18# The sorrow and shame
0:29:18 > 0:29:22# Neither a maid nor a wife... #
0:29:22 > 0:29:24- Just a little more, please. - LAUGHTER
0:29:26 > 0:29:27Uh...
0:29:30 > 0:29:33# Think of her parents
0:29:33 > 0:29:35# Who gave her a name
0:29:35 > 0:29:39# That she has dishonoured for life. #
0:29:39 > 0:29:41SHE CRIES
0:29:41 > 0:29:43AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:29:46 > 0:29:49# What's to become of her?
0:29:49 > 0:29:51# Spurned and reviled
0:29:51 > 0:29:55# Into oblivion hurled. #
0:29:55 > 0:29:56AUDIENCE: Whoa!
0:29:58 > 0:30:03# And what can she offer the fatherless child
0:30:03 > 0:30:08# That she has brought in to the world? #
0:30:10 > 0:30:11Yes...
0:30:11 > 0:30:12LAUGHTER
0:30:12 > 0:30:17# Only a glass of champagne... #
0:30:17 > 0:30:19LAUGHTER
0:30:20 > 0:30:23He loves his little mum.
0:30:23 > 0:30:27# Only a glass of champagne
0:30:27 > 0:30:31# Was the door where that devil crept in
0:30:33 > 0:30:37# She lost her honour in sorrow and pain
0:30:37 > 0:30:41# With her false lover she pleaded in vain... #
0:30:42 > 0:30:45- But... - SHE SLURS
0:30:45 > 0:30:46LAUGHTER
0:30:46 > 0:30:48By...
0:30:48 > 0:30:50# By the next morning
0:30:50 > 0:30:52# She'd lost it again
0:30:54 > 0:30:57# All through a glass of champagne!
0:30:59 > 0:31:04# So all you young maidens take warning from her
0:31:04 > 0:31:06# If you're taken out
0:31:06 > 0:31:09# By a lord or a sir
0:31:09 > 0:31:12# Be careful you don't let
0:31:12 > 0:31:16# The same thing occur
0:31:16 > 0:31:21# Just for a glass of champagne. #
0:31:21 > 0:31:26Oh, no, you must insist on at least a crate of champagne.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29LAUGHTER
0:31:29 > 0:31:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:54 > 0:31:57# I don't know why I am so very shy. #
0:31:59 > 0:32:01- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:32:01 > 0:32:04# I always was demure
0:32:06 > 0:32:10# I never knew what silly lovers do
0:32:10 > 0:32:15# No flirting I'd endure
0:32:15 > 0:32:17# In all my life
0:32:17 > 0:32:19# I've never kissed a man
0:32:19 > 0:32:22# I've never winked my eye
0:32:22 > 0:32:25# But now at last
0:32:28 > 0:32:31# I'm going to break the ice
0:32:34 > 0:32:39# So how'd you like to try?
0:32:41 > 0:32:46# How'd you like to spoon with me?
0:32:46 > 0:32:50# How'd you like to spoon with me?
0:32:50 > 0:32:55# Sit beneath an oak tree Tall and shady
0:32:55 > 0:33:00# Calling me your Tootsy wootsy baby
0:33:00 > 0:33:05# How'd you like to hug and squeeze?
0:33:05 > 0:33:09# Dangle me upon your knees
0:33:09 > 0:33:14# How'd you like to be My lovey dovey?
0:33:14 > 0:33:18# How'd you like to spoon with me?
0:33:18 > 0:33:22# How'd you like to be
0:33:22 > 0:33:27# My lovey dovey?
0:33:28 > 0:33:32# How'd you like to spoon Beneath the spoony moon?
0:33:32 > 0:33:37# How'd you like to spoon with me? #
0:33:37 > 0:33:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:03 > 0:34:07Deliriously droll delineator
0:34:07 > 0:34:09of dubieties.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12- AUDIENCE:- Ohh!- The one and only...
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Mr Larry Grayson!
0:34:15 > 0:34:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:37 > 0:34:40How are you? All right? How are you, all right?
0:34:40 > 0:34:42All right, all right. All right.
0:34:42 > 0:34:45Common as muck. How are you?
0:34:46 > 0:34:48- Do you...? All right, Leonard? - Oh, fine.
0:34:48 > 0:34:49I see your candle's alight.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52HE LAUGHS
0:34:52 > 0:34:54- Always.- Always.
0:34:54 > 0:34:56He's anybody's for a tin of salmon. Do you know...
0:34:56 > 0:34:58LAUGHTER
0:35:00 > 0:35:03No, listen. I've got to sit down. Ooh. Oh!
0:35:03 > 0:35:05- AUDIENCE:- Ohh!
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Oh, no, no, honestly. No.
0:35:07 > 0:35:09Play the game or leave the bed. Do you know...?
0:35:09 > 0:35:11Honestly.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16- What have I been like all day today? Speak.- Enchanting!
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Have I? Oh, well.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20How are you?
0:35:20 > 0:35:21I know your face ever so well.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23LAUGHTER
0:35:23 > 0:35:27- Ohh. Is that your wife?- Yes.
0:35:27 > 0:35:28Yes...
0:35:28 > 0:35:30LAUGHTER
0:35:30 > 0:35:32No, listen. You're too good for her!
0:35:32 > 0:35:33Now, listen...
0:35:33 > 0:35:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:37 > 0:35:39He wears a wig. Do you know...
0:35:40 > 0:35:43How I got out of bed this morning,
0:35:43 > 0:35:44I shall never know...
0:35:44 > 0:35:48if I live to be 32. Do you know? I got...
0:35:48 > 0:35:53You see, actually, last week I had it all down this side.
0:35:53 > 0:35:56- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!- Aw, shame.- Aww!
0:36:00 > 0:36:04I couldn't get the beef teat in my lips. Now, this week...
0:36:04 > 0:36:06This week, I've had it all down this side.
0:36:06 > 0:36:07- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:36:07 > 0:36:10Can't wait for next week, can I? And do you know...
0:36:13 > 0:36:15Nobody knows.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18I got up - don't stare it's very rude - I got up...
0:36:20 > 0:36:23I got up the other morning and I went all limp.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27No, I think it's the brown bread. And I...
0:36:29 > 0:36:33And I thought to myself, I thought, "I'll go..."
0:36:33 > 0:36:36My hair wants washing. I thought...
0:36:36 > 0:36:39You're very near, aren't you? And I thought...
0:36:40 > 0:36:42I thought I'd go and see my doctor, I thought,
0:36:42 > 0:36:44"I'll go and see my doctor." I've got a new doctor now.
0:36:44 > 0:36:47I've got a lovely new doctor. Eh? What did you say to him, then?
0:36:47 > 0:36:50- INAUDIBLE - Ohh, ha-ha-ha.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52Who's she? And I said...
0:36:55 > 0:36:58Do you know, I used to... Years ago, I told you, Leonard,
0:36:58 > 0:37:01about when I used to rub my legs with Fiery Jack.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09- Don't you remember it? - Thought he was a...
0:37:09 > 0:37:12No! No, no, no, Leonard, honestly.
0:37:12 > 0:37:15- Have you heard of Fiery Jack, Bernard?- No.
0:37:15 > 0:37:18Well, it's the truth. Fiery Jack. You can't get it now.
0:37:18 > 0:37:21I've got his address. But, eh...
0:37:23 > 0:37:27- I see you've got a new drummer. - HE LAUGHS
0:37:27 > 0:37:30You'll get nothing here. All right, what we'll do...
0:37:31 > 0:37:34A little song about a girl that went astray.
0:37:34 > 0:37:36And this girl came from Burnley...
0:37:36 > 0:37:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:41 > 0:37:44- Are you from Burnley?- Yes! - I thought so...
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Riff raff. All right, Neville.
0:37:53 > 0:37:55We'll do it, we'll do it.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08# She was young She was pure
0:38:08 > 0:38:10# She was sweet She was nice
0:38:10 > 0:38:14# She was fair She was sweet seventeen
0:38:14 > 0:38:16# He was old He was vile
0:38:16 > 0:38:18# And no stranger to vice
0:38:18 > 0:38:20# He was bold He was base
0:38:20 > 0:38:22# He was mean
0:38:22 > 0:38:26# He slyly inveigled her up to his flat
0:38:26 > 0:38:28# To view his collection of stamps
0:38:31 > 0:38:36# Then he smiled as he hastily Put out the cat
0:38:36 > 0:38:40# His cigar, the wine And the lamps
0:38:42 > 0:38:46# Have some Madeira M'dear
0:38:46 > 0:38:50# You really have nothing to fear
0:38:50 > 0:38:54# I wouldn't try to temp you That wouldn't be right
0:38:54 > 0:38:59# For you to drink spirits This time of night
0:38:59 > 0:39:02# Have some Madeira M'dear
0:39:02 > 0:39:06# It's really much nicer Than beer
0:39:06 > 0:39:10# I'm not fond of sherry I never drink stout
0:39:10 > 0:39:15# And port is a wine I can well do without
0:39:15 > 0:39:19# It's simply a case of Gor blimey me goat
0:39:22 > 0:39:26# Have some Madeira M'dear
0:39:38 > 0:39:43# Unaware of the snake That creeps in the grass
0:39:43 > 0:39:46# Of the fate of the lady who topes
0:39:46 > 0:39:50# She lowered her standards By raising her glass
0:39:50 > 0:39:54# Her courage, her eyes His hopes
0:39:55 > 0:39:58# She drank it She sipped it
0:39:58 > 0:40:00# She drained it She did
0:40:00 > 0:40:03# And he slyly refilled it again
0:40:04 > 0:40:08# And he smiled as he secretly Carved one more notch
0:40:08 > 0:40:13# On the butt of his gold-handled cane. #
0:40:15 > 0:40:17Poor wench.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21# Have some Madeira M'dear
0:40:21 > 0:40:25# I've have a small flask of it here
0:40:25 > 0:40:29# Now once it's been opened You know it won't keep
0:40:29 > 0:40:33# So do drink it up It will help you to sleep
0:40:33 > 0:40:37# Have some Madeira M'dear
0:40:37 > 0:40:40# It's really An excellent year
0:40:40 > 0:40:45# Now if it were gin You'd be wrong to say yes
0:40:45 > 0:40:49# The evil gin does Would be hard to assess
0:40:49 > 0:40:54# In fact it's inclined To affect my prowess. #
0:40:55 > 0:40:57Tell her.
0:40:57 > 0:41:01# Have some Madeira M'dear. #
0:41:10 > 0:41:13- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!- I've got one of my old sweats coming on.
0:41:19 > 0:41:23# Through her mind came a flash What her mother had said
0:41:23 > 0:41:27# With her antepenultimate breath
0:41:27 > 0:41:31# My child beware On the wine when it's red
0:41:31 > 0:41:35# Or your face A fate worse than death
0:41:35 > 0:41:39# She lets go her glass With a shrill little cry. #
0:41:39 > 0:41:41"Ooh!"
0:41:41 > 0:41:43I think I'll do that again. "Ooooh!"
0:41:43 > 0:41:46# Crash tinkle It fell to the floor
0:41:46 > 0:41:49# He said "What on earth?" And she made no reply
0:41:49 > 0:41:54# In her dash As she went for the door. #
0:41:56 > 0:42:00I've got every so giddy again.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04# Have some Madeira M'dear
0:42:04 > 0:42:08# Rang out down the hall Loud and clear
0:42:08 > 0:42:12# And when she got out there With a shrill little cry
0:42:12 > 0:42:17# She knew not what to do Well, neither did I. #
0:42:17 > 0:42:19HE LAUGHS
0:42:19 > 0:42:21I can't place you at all.
0:42:21 > 0:42:22LAUGHTER
0:42:25 > 0:42:27Are you an insurance man?
0:42:30 > 0:42:34# Have some Madeira M'dear
0:42:34 > 0:42:38# Rang out in her ear Loud and clear
0:42:38 > 0:42:41# Until the next morning She woke up in bed
0:42:41 > 0:42:45# With a smile on her lips And an ache in her head
0:42:45 > 0:42:50# And a beard in her earhole That tickle and said
0:42:50 > 0:42:54# Have some Madeira M'dear
0:42:54 > 0:42:58# Have some Madeira M'dear. #
0:42:58 > 0:42:59Hey!
0:42:59 > 0:43:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:16 > 0:43:18And now, there's just time to ask Mr Larry Grayson
0:43:18 > 0:43:21to lead the company and yourself in the last chorus for the night,
0:43:21 > 0:43:23Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:43:23 > 0:43:24Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Larry Grayson,
0:43:24 > 0:43:27the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire -
0:43:27 > 0:43:29and absolutely invincible orchestra...
0:43:29 > 0:43:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:32 > 0:43:34But this time, chiefly...
0:43:34 > 0:43:37- ALL:- Yourself!
0:43:40 > 0:43:44# Come come Come and make eyes at me
0:43:44 > 0:43:47# Down at the old Bull And Bush
0:43:47 > 0:43:48# La la-la la-la
0:43:48 > 0:43:52# Come, come Drink some port wine with me
0:43:52 > 0:43:56# Down at the old Bull And Bush
0:43:56 > 0:43:58# Hear the little German band
0:43:58 > 0:44:00# La la la-la la la-la
0:44:00 > 0:44:04# Just let me Hold your hand dear
0:44:04 > 0:44:08# Do, do Come and have a drink or two
0:44:08 > 0:44:11# Down at the old Bull And Bush
0:44:11 > 0:44:13# Bush bush. #
0:44:13 > 0:44:15CHEERING AND APPLAUSE