0:00:02 > 0:00:04ORCHESTRAL FANFARE
0:00:12 > 0:00:14MUSIC: The Sandow Girl
0:00:40 > 0:00:43# Oh, the...
0:00:43 > 0:00:46# Sandow, Sandow girl
0:00:46 > 0:00:49# Oh the Sandow, Sandow girl
0:00:49 > 0:00:51# She's...
0:00:51 > 0:00:54# Smooth and slim and supple
0:00:54 > 0:01:00# And compared with any couple of other girls
0:01:00 > 0:01:04# The Sandow, Sandow girl
0:01:04 > 0:01:08# Is a priceless, peerless pearl
0:01:08 > 0:01:11# Even Sandow, I think
0:01:11 > 0:01:12# Would be frightened to wink
0:01:12 > 0:01:16# At his Sandow girl... #
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Now if your limbs are listless
0:01:54 > 0:01:56And your spirits start to fall
0:01:56 > 0:01:58Then this is the advice
0:01:58 > 0:02:02That I would give to one and all.
0:02:08 > 0:02:10# Is your breathing poor?
0:02:10 > 0:02:11# Are your muscles weak?
0:02:11 > 0:02:13# Does your stomach sag?
0:02:13 > 0:02:16# Do you lack technique?
0:02:16 > 0:02:19# There's no need to be a clinging vine
0:02:19 > 0:02:22# You too can have a body like mine
0:02:22 > 0:02:24# Are your spirits low?
0:02:24 > 0:02:26# Do you tend to moan?
0:02:26 > 0:02:29# Are you claustrophobic when you're all alone?
0:02:30 > 0:02:34# If you feel a tingling up and down your spine
0:02:34 > 0:02:38# You too can have a body like mine
0:02:38 > 0:02:41# One, two, three, four...
0:02:41 > 0:02:45# Now's the time to loosen up your liver
0:02:45 > 0:02:48# Five, six, seven, eight...
0:02:48 > 0:02:55# When your ears start flapping and your kidneys quiver
0:02:55 > 0:02:59# Does your heart beat faster when you touch your toes?
0:02:59 > 0:03:03# Do your fingers twitch when you thumb your nose?
0:03:03 > 0:03:06# If your metatarsals are in sad decline
0:03:06 > 0:03:10# You too can have a body like mine. #
0:03:10 > 0:03:12DRUMROLL
0:03:24 > 0:03:26FANFARE AND APPLAUSE
0:03:26 > 0:03:28DRUMROLL
0:03:32 > 0:03:34FANFARE AND APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:37DRUMROLL
0:03:37 > 0:03:39LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:45FANFARE AND APPLAUSE
0:03:49 > 0:03:53# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl
0:03:53 > 0:03:56# Is a priceless, peerless pearl
0:03:56 > 0:03:59# Even Sandow, I think
0:03:59 > 0:04:01# Would be frightened to wink
0:04:01 > 0:04:06# At his Sandow girl
0:04:06 > 0:04:10# Sandow, Sandow, Sandow, Sandow
0:04:10 > 0:04:13# Girl! #
0:04:18 > 0:04:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:30 > 0:04:31CHEERING
0:04:31 > 0:04:36Once again, good evening,
0:04:36 > 0:04:40ladies and gentlemen!
0:04:42 > 0:04:48Initiating our jollifications for the jubilee,
0:04:48 > 0:04:56that jaunty juxtaposition of femininity and muscularity
0:04:56 > 0:04:59featured Miss Jan Hunt, Miss Inge-Lise
0:04:59 > 0:05:01and the Players' Theatre.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04And now, all the way from Germany,
0:05:04 > 0:05:09ladies and gentlemen, the Hurricanes!
0:05:09 > 0:05:12APPLAUSE
0:05:12 > 0:05:14JAUNTY MUSIC PLAYS
0:05:35 > 0:05:37CLATTERING
0:06:00 > 0:06:01Hey!
0:06:01 > 0:06:02Ah!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- Oh! - CHEERING
0:06:28 > 0:06:31APPLAUSE
0:06:48 > 0:06:50APPLAUSE
0:06:50 > 0:06:51Hey!
0:07:09 > 0:07:13DRUMROLL
0:07:20 > 0:07:22AUDIENCE GASPS
0:07:51 > 0:07:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:00 > 0:08:01Voila!
0:08:01 > 0:08:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:05 > 0:08:08FANFARE
0:08:23 > 0:08:29Emergent aspirants to stellar status,
0:08:29 > 0:08:33ingenuously avid for your approbation.
0:08:34 > 0:08:39Direct from Ilkley Senior Dancing Academy...
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:08:41 > 0:08:44..Bubbles and Cuddles!
0:08:44 > 0:08:47CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:47 > 0:08:52MUSIC PLAYS
0:08:57 > 0:09:01# Call me a taxi, the train's gonna leave at 4:20
0:09:01 > 0:09:04# For the land of the plenty
0:09:04 > 0:09:05# And I've just got to go
0:09:05 > 0:09:07# Can't you see? Can't you see?
0:09:07 > 0:09:11# I like the Broadway but somehow the West has me sighing
0:09:11 > 0:09:14# To forget it, I'm trying
0:09:14 > 0:09:19# But I can't keep away from where I should be
0:09:19 > 0:09:22# Won't you meet me out in Wichita?
0:09:22 > 0:09:24# Meet you out in Wichita?
0:09:24 > 0:09:25# I said out in Wichita
0:09:25 > 0:09:27# Introduce you to my pa
0:09:27 > 0:09:30# Like to have you meet Mama and my sister and very merry uncle Jerry
0:09:30 > 0:09:33# If you'll only promise to be there
0:09:33 > 0:09:34# If you'll only take the dare
0:09:34 > 0:09:35# We'll go to the Cresco Fair
0:09:35 > 0:09:37# Oh, you're a little ways from there
0:09:37 > 0:09:39# Out in Wichita, Kansas
0:09:39 > 0:09:40# Gee-whiz!
0:09:40 > 0:09:44- # Won't you meet me down in Wichita? - I will meet you down in Wichita
0:09:44 > 0:09:46# I said Wichita
0:09:46 > 0:09:48# The only place to go down in Kansas
0:09:48 > 0:09:51# Like to have you meet Mama and my sister and very merry uncle Jerry
0:09:51 > 0:09:54- # If you'll only promise to be there - I will take you there
0:09:54 > 0:09:56- # To the Cresco Fair - To the Cresco Fair
0:09:56 > 0:09:58# Oh, yes, I'll take you there
0:09:58 > 0:10:01- # Out in Wichita, Kansas - Down in Wichita, Kansas
0:10:01 > 0:10:04# Won't you meet me out in Wichita?
0:10:04 > 0:10:05# I said out in Wichita
0:10:05 > 0:10:06# I said out in Wichita
0:10:06 > 0:10:08# Love to introduce you to my pa
0:10:08 > 0:10:11# Like to have you meet Mama and my sister and very merry uncle Jerry
0:10:11 > 0:10:14# If you'll only promise to be there
0:10:14 > 0:10:16# If you only take the dare
0:10:16 > 0:10:18- # We'll go to the Cresco Fair - Oh, you live a ways from there
0:10:18 > 0:10:20# Out in Wichita, Kansas
0:10:20 > 0:10:22# Gee-whiz!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25- # Won't you meet me out in Wichita? - Won't you meet me down in Wichita?
0:10:25 > 0:10:27# I said out in Wichita
0:10:27 > 0:10:28# The only place to be
0:10:28 > 0:10:32# Like to have you meet Mama and my sister and very merry uncle Jerry
0:10:32 > 0:10:36- # If you'll only promise to be there - I will take you to the Cresco Fair
0:10:36 > 0:10:39- # We'll go to the Cresco Fair - Oh, yes, I'll take you there
0:10:39 > 0:10:40# Out in Wichita, Kansas
0:10:40 > 0:10:42# Gee-whiz! #
0:10:42 > 0:10:45BOTH: Take it away, Mr Music Man.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48MUSIC CONTINUES
0:11:15 > 0:11:18# Won't you meet me out in Wichita?
0:11:18 > 0:11:21# I said out in Wichita
0:11:21 > 0:11:25# Like to have you meet Mama and my sister and very merry uncle Jerry
0:11:25 > 0:11:29# If you'll only promise to be there
0:11:29 > 0:11:31# We'll go to the Cresco Fair
0:11:31 > 0:11:33# Out in Wichita
0:11:33 > 0:11:37# No place like home
0:11:37 > 0:11:40# There's no place
0:11:40 > 0:11:42# Like Wichita, Kansas
0:11:42 > 0:11:45# Who here fancies Cresco Fair, Western bear
0:11:45 > 0:11:48# Ma and Pa and very merry uncle Jerry
0:11:48 > 0:11:53# Down in Wichita, Kansas!
0:11:53 > 0:11:56# Dooby-dooby-dooby-doo-doo! #
0:11:56 > 0:12:00CHEERING
0:12:10 > 0:12:13Bubbles and Cuddles were impersonated
0:12:13 > 0:12:17by Miss Doreen Hermitage and Miss Julia Sutton.
0:12:17 > 0:12:21And now an Iberian extravaganza.
0:12:21 > 0:12:22- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:12:22 > 0:12:26An exemplary exuberance of vocal virtuosity.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28- AUDIENCE:- Wow!
0:12:28 > 0:12:30Spanish ventriloquism.
0:12:30 > 0:12:34Senor Jose Luis Moreno!
0:12:34 > 0:12:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:46 > 0:12:49- Ladies and gentlemen...- Where?
0:12:49 > 0:12:52- LAUGHTER - Look in front of you!- Why?
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Gracias, amigos, senoras, senores...
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Why are you speaking?
0:12:57 > 0:12:59- (Monchito, there's people over there.)- (Where?)
0:12:59 > 0:13:00- (The people!)- (Where?!)
0:13:00 > 0:13:02- THERE!- I JUST SAID...!
0:13:02 > 0:13:06LAUGHTER
0:13:06 > 0:13:09- What is that?! It's a carnival?- No!
0:13:09 > 0:13:14We are in one of the most beautiful theatres, and this is a great show.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16The Parliament?
0:13:16 > 0:13:17LAUGHTER
0:13:17 > 0:13:19APPLAUSE
0:13:19 > 0:13:21That's too much.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23Thank you, thank you.
0:13:23 > 0:13:24You'll carry on with the show now?
0:13:26 > 0:13:28- (Are you angry?)- Go ahead.
0:13:28 > 0:13:29(I don't know what to say.)
0:13:29 > 0:13:32They're waiting for you. Please!
0:13:32 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:37- AUDIENCE:- Aww.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39I'm sorry...
0:13:39 > 0:13:43MONCHITO WHIMPERS
0:13:45 > 0:13:49Do you remember this beautiful, romantic song...
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- My God!- ..from Spain?
0:13:52 > 0:13:53Which one?
0:13:53 > 0:13:55- Te Quiero, Te Quiero. - "I love you, I love you"?- Yes.
0:13:55 > 0:13:58OK, Maestro. Carry on!
0:13:58 > 0:13:59MUSIC STARTS
0:13:59 > 0:14:02MUSIC DROWNS SPEECH
0:14:02 > 0:14:04- You sing with me, right?- Right.
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- Now take it easy, yeah?- OK.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Now?
0:14:09 > 0:14:13# De por que te estoy queriendo
0:14:13 > 0:14:14# No me pidas la razon
0:14:14 > 0:14:16# No-o-o-o-o!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18# Pues yo mismo no me entiendo
0:14:18 > 0:14:21# Con mi propio corazon
0:14:21 > 0:14:24# Al llegar la madrugada
0:14:24 > 0:14:27- # Mi cancion... - ..desesperada
0:14:27 > 0:14:28# Te dara la explicacion
0:14:28 > 0:14:30# Cacaion, cacaion, cacaion... #
0:14:30 > 0:14:32You! Bravo, Maestro!
0:14:33 > 0:14:36# Por te quiero... #
0:14:36 > 0:14:38- Softer.- Oh.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40# Te quiero, te quiero
0:14:40 > 0:14:41# Co-co-co... #
0:14:41 > 0:14:43WOMAN LAUGHS
0:14:43 > 0:14:44"Ha-ha"? What are you laughing about?
0:14:44 > 0:14:47LAUGHTER
0:14:47 > 0:14:50# Y hasta el fin... #
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- Louder!- Why? Now!
0:14:52 > 0:14:54# Te que-que-que-que-que... #
0:14:54 > 0:14:56More.
0:14:56 > 0:14:57# Qu-u-u-u-u-ue... #
0:14:57 > 0:14:58Again.
0:14:58 > 0:15:06MONCHITO HOLDS THE NOTE
0:15:06 > 0:15:08FANFARE
0:15:08 > 0:15:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:11 > 0:15:13Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15Gracias! Thank you!
0:15:15 > 0:15:16Goodbye!
0:15:16 > 0:15:18Thank you!
0:15:21 > 0:15:23Thank you very much indeed.
0:15:23 > 0:15:25It's really lovely to be here.
0:15:25 > 0:15:27He's no good at all.
0:15:27 > 0:15:28LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- We didn't hear that.- No.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35I would like to introduce you now. One of my favourite...
0:15:35 > 0:15:36SUDDEN DRUMROLL
0:15:38 > 0:15:40CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:47 > 0:15:51To be or not to be...
0:15:54 > 0:15:57..that's the bloody question, ladies and gentlemen.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59PUPPET BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:15:59 > 0:16:00Blah, blah, blah, blah
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Why are you laughing the others are taking over?
0:16:04 > 0:16:07How are you, my dear?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09- You!- Yes?
0:16:09 > 0:16:11Who are you?
0:16:11 > 0:16:13- I'm part of the show.- Oh!
0:16:14 > 0:16:17Ladies, gentlemen
0:16:17 > 0:16:19and in between...
0:16:19 > 0:16:21HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:16:21 > 0:16:24..this is part of the show.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27How flush.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30- Your name?- My name?- Please.
0:16:30 > 0:16:31Jose.
0:16:33 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:40- Jose? Something else?- Luis.- Oh!
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- Surname?- Moreno. - HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:16:44 > 0:16:47LAUGHTER
0:16:47 > 0:16:48MAN CHUCKLES LIKE A BLEAT
0:16:48 > 0:16:50PUPPET MIMICS THE CHUCKLE
0:16:51 > 0:16:53He laughs like a lamb!
0:16:53 > 0:16:55"Ha-ah-ah-ah!"
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- Moreno?- Yeah, that's my name.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59- Nationality?- I'm Spanish.
0:16:59 > 0:17:01What are you doing here?
0:17:03 > 0:17:06- I'm working here. - Ladies and gentlemen...
0:17:07 > 0:17:10..one Spaniard who works.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:17:13 > 0:17:1690% of the Spanish people I know, they work.
0:17:16 > 0:17:17In England, yes.
0:17:17 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:20 > 0:17:22APPLAUSE
0:17:24 > 0:17:28INAUDIBLE
0:17:28 > 0:17:32- By the way...- Yes? What are you? Profession?- My profession?- Yes.
0:17:32 > 0:17:33I'm a ventriloquist.
0:17:40 > 0:17:41Say that again.
0:17:43 > 0:17:45- Ven.- Ven.
0:17:45 > 0:17:46- Tri.- Tri.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48- Loquist.- Rubbish.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- What is it?- A ventriloquist is a man who can speak with his stomach.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56Disgusting!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01I would like, only by curiosity, to know your name.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04- Rockefeller. - HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- Very funny. So you must speak English?- Of course.
0:18:08 > 0:18:11- Vous parlez Francais? - ROCKEFELLER REPLIES IN FRENCH
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Y hablas Espanol?
0:18:12 > 0:18:13MONCHITO REPLIES IN SPANISH
0:18:13 > 0:18:15Shut up, bloody hell! I'm working!
0:18:15 > 0:18:17LAUGHTER
0:18:17 > 0:18:21- I have something for you. - What is it?- It's Scotch.- Oh!
0:18:21 > 0:18:22Cheers to everyone!
0:18:22 > 0:18:23GLUGGING
0:18:26 > 0:18:27That's enough.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29GLUGGING CONTINUES
0:18:29 > 0:18:31HE SLURPS
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Ai!
0:18:34 > 0:18:36Oh!
0:18:36 > 0:18:41HE SINGS DRUNKENLY
0:18:51 > 0:18:52Ai!
0:18:52 > 0:18:55MUSIC PLAYS
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Thank you!
0:19:07 > 0:19:10Garrulously gregarious.
0:19:10 > 0:19:12- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:19:12 > 0:19:15From the Latin "grex, gregis". In...
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Ingratiating gaminery.
0:19:18 > 0:19:19- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:19:19 > 0:19:24Your own, your very, very own Miss Dora Bryan!
0:19:24 > 0:19:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:29 > 0:19:33# I'm a lassie from Lancashire
0:19:33 > 0:19:37# Just a lassie from Lancashire
0:19:37 > 0:19:42# None could be fairer or rarer than Sarah
0:19:42 > 0:19:46# My Lassie from Lancashire. #
0:19:46 > 0:19:49- Hello.- Hello there. - You all right?- Yes, thank you.
0:19:49 > 0:19:52- Hello, everybody. You all right? - AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:19:52 > 0:19:53Do you like the frock? It's nice, isn't it?
0:19:53 > 0:19:54CHEERING AND WHISTLING
0:19:54 > 0:19:56SHE GIGGLES
0:19:56 > 0:19:58I like the way it goes in, don't you?
0:19:58 > 0:20:02Goes in again on Friday. Yes, well...
0:20:02 > 0:20:05Actually, I do have a little monologue for you tonight.
0:20:05 > 0:20:09And it really tells the story of my life.
0:20:09 > 0:20:13Because, you see, I went on the stage when I was 12.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Be about ten years ago, I suppose.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16LAUGHTER
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Well, time flies, doesn't it?
0:20:20 > 0:20:25I went on the stage when I was a child, and everyone said I'd go far
0:20:25 > 0:20:27I travelled a lot
0:20:27 > 0:20:31But I never quite got to the heights that are reached by a star
0:20:31 > 0:20:35I learned how to act, how to sing, how to dance
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Cos doing anything else simply bored me
0:20:38 > 0:20:41Some people cheered, some people jeered
0:20:41 > 0:20:44And some just sat and ignored me...
0:20:44 > 0:20:46SHE SNIFFS
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- AUDIENCE:- Aww.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Shakespeare I tried, but it wasn't for me
0:20:53 > 0:20:56The critics were booing and hissing
0:20:56 > 0:20:59In Measure For Measure, I gave them no pleasure
0:20:59 > 0:21:01So, in Love's Labours Lost
0:21:01 > 0:21:02I went missing...
0:21:02 > 0:21:04LAUGHTER
0:21:06 > 0:21:08- I played Little Willy... - WHOOPING
0:21:08 > 0:21:11I did! In East Lynne, you know.
0:21:12 > 0:21:16Well, I get to the bit where he dies, you see
0:21:16 > 0:21:20Then someone yelled, "Mouse!" from the front of the house
0:21:20 > 0:21:22And I landed up in the flies
0:21:25 > 0:21:29Then... Well, for a stunt, I was shot from a cannon
0:21:29 > 0:21:30Oh, dear!
0:21:30 > 0:21:33They fired and I started to shiver
0:21:34 > 0:21:37I did a great curve and then I lost my nerve
0:21:37 > 0:21:40and I landed headfirst in the river...
0:21:40 > 0:21:41LAUGHTER
0:21:41 > 0:21:44No, I can't leave the theatre
0:21:44 > 0:21:46It runs in me blood
0:21:46 > 0:21:49In this game, you've got to have guts
0:21:49 > 0:21:54I found my right sphere - I stand at the rear
0:21:54 > 0:21:56And I sell oranges, apples and nuts.
0:21:56 > 0:21:57LAUGHTER
0:21:57 > 0:21:59FANFARE
0:21:59 > 0:22:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:01 > 0:22:04All right, Len? You all right?
0:22:08 > 0:22:11Actually, though, you know, it's funny because,
0:22:11 > 0:22:14when I first went on the stage,...
0:22:14 > 0:22:17- You know, I come from Lancashire. You know I come from...?- Yeah.
0:22:17 > 0:22:19You can tell I'm from Lancashire?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22That's why I speak like I do.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I can't help it, speaking like I do.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Well, anyway, my mother wanted me to train to be a ballet dancer.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Yes, you know, all that going around on your tip toes.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35WHOOPING
0:22:35 > 0:22:37I don't understand ballet dancing.
0:22:37 > 0:22:40They should get people the right height to begin with,
0:22:40 > 0:22:42- don't you think? - LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:49Anyway, I went to London and I started to change my name,
0:22:49 > 0:22:52because I couldn't see it in lights. You know what my real name is?
0:22:52 > 0:22:54It's Dora May Broadbent.
0:22:55 > 0:22:56It is!
0:22:56 > 0:23:02Well, it doesn't look right, does it? No. Dora May Broadbent, no.
0:23:02 > 0:23:05So I thought, "Well, Bryan, that's a nice name."
0:23:05 > 0:23:07You know, B for "beautiful".
0:23:07 > 0:23:09R for "ravishing".
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Y for "youthful".
0:23:11 > 0:23:12LAUGHTER
0:23:12 > 0:23:14A for "adorable".
0:23:14 > 0:23:17And N for "nobody's going to believe a word of it".
0:23:17 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER
0:23:19 > 0:23:20It's a shame, isn't it?
0:23:20 > 0:23:22Lots of people have changed their names, you know?
0:23:22 > 0:23:25Yes, I thought of Florence Olivier.
0:23:25 > 0:23:26LAUGHTER
0:23:29 > 0:23:33Winifred... Winnifred Pickles, that's rather nice.
0:23:35 > 0:23:36Enid Humperdinck.
0:23:36 > 0:23:39LAUGHTER
0:23:39 > 0:23:42You know, there's lots, isn't there?
0:23:42 > 0:23:44Do you ever remember Lily Morris?
0:23:44 > 0:23:48Well, can you imagine if my mum had called me...
0:23:48 > 0:23:49Lily Broadbent?
0:23:49 > 0:23:52- SHE TUTS - Oh!
0:23:52 > 0:23:55MUSIC: Why Did They Call Me Lily? by Vivian Ellis
0:23:58 > 0:24:00# Why did they call me Lily?
0:24:00 > 0:24:02# They might have asked me first
0:24:02 > 0:24:04# Gardening names are silly
0:24:04 > 0:24:06# And Lily is the worst
0:24:06 > 0:24:10# A lily reeks of beauty A lily wears a crown
0:24:10 > 0:24:13# Lilies are tall and snooty But I like lying down!
0:24:13 > 0:24:17# You might have called me Merry or Calorie or Cool
0:24:17 > 0:24:21# Jolly or Jungle Berry or Taffeta or Tulle
0:24:21 > 0:24:25# Or Nicotine or Columbine or Atom Bomb or Bubbly Wine
0:24:25 > 0:24:29# Aspirin or Iodine but Lily isn't me
0:24:29 > 0:24:33# Definitely absolutely Lily isn't me
0:24:33 > 0:24:37# Why did they call me Lily? They don't know what they did
0:24:37 > 0:24:40# They name a foal or filly more carefully than a kid
0:24:40 > 0:24:44# Have some consideration and have another go
0:24:44 > 0:24:46# Must it be vegetation?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48# Then why not Mistletoe?
0:24:48 > 0:24:52# A name that is kind and cosy A name that wears a smile
0:24:52 > 0:24:56# Peppermint, say, or Posy Or call me Chamomile
0:24:56 > 0:25:00# I'll answer too to Bubble Tenacity or Trouble
0:25:00 > 0:25:04# Or Butterfly or Alkali Or why not let me be?
0:25:04 > 0:25:06# Amame, Ammonia,
0:25:06 > 0:25:08# Bacteria, Begonia
0:25:08 > 0:25:10# Calypso, Calpurnia
0:25:10 > 0:25:11# Hydrangea or Hernia
0:25:11 > 0:25:13LAUGHTER
0:25:17 > 0:25:19No...
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# Well almost any name would do
0:25:22 > 0:25:24# Victoria or Waterloo
0:25:25 > 0:25:27# But Lily
0:25:27 > 0:25:32# Is not for me. #
0:25:41 > 0:25:42Bye-bye!
0:25:50 > 0:25:54Corruscating crystallinity,
0:25:54 > 0:25:57pellucid limpidity...
0:25:57 > 0:25:58- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00..lilting Lehar,
0:26:00 > 0:26:05from Maryetta and Vernon Midgley!
0:26:05 > 0:26:08APPLAUSE
0:26:16 > 0:26:20MUSIC: Core 'ngrato (Catari Catari) By Salvatore Cardillo
0:26:21 > 0:26:24THEY SING IN ITALIAN
0:28:43 > 0:28:47MUSIC: Love Live Forever by Franz Lehar
0:28:56 > 0:29:02# Love, life's beginning and ending Never depart
0:29:02 > 0:29:09# Love from the heavens descending Rule in our hearts
0:29:09 > 0:29:15# Love getting or giving Makes life worth the living
0:29:15 > 0:29:22# For where love has not been what does life mean?
0:29:22 > 0:29:29# Love I am weary of waiting Cold and alone
0:29:29 > 0:29:35# Kissing your shadow and making love to a stone
0:29:35 > 0:29:42# Time galloping after youth's music and laughter
0:29:42 > 0:29:48# Love, love live forever
0:29:48 > 0:29:56# And rule our hearts. #
0:29:58 > 0:30:01MUSIC: Girls Were Made To Love And Kiss by Franz Lehar
0:30:05 > 0:30:12# Girls were made to love and kiss
0:30:12 > 0:30:16# And who am I
0:30:16 > 0:30:22# To interfere with this?
0:30:22 > 0:30:26# Is it well?
0:30:26 > 0:30:31# Who can tell?
0:30:31 > 0:30:36# But I know
0:30:36 > 0:30:42# The good God made them so
0:30:42 > 0:30:53# Am I ashamed to follow nature's way?
0:30:53 > 0:31:03# Shall I be blamed if now and then I stray?
0:31:03 > 0:31:07# Does it pay?
0:31:07 > 0:31:13# Who can say?
0:31:13 > 0:31:18# I'm a man
0:31:18 > 0:31:28# And kiss them when I can. #
0:31:35 > 0:31:37MUSIC: The Song of Vilja by Franz Lehar
0:31:39 > 0:31:43# Vilja, oh, Vilja
0:31:43 > 0:31:49# The witch of the wood
0:31:49 > 0:31:59# Would I not die for you dear if I could?
0:31:59 > 0:32:07# Vilja, oh, Vilja
0:32:07 > 0:32:14# My love and my bride
0:32:14 > 0:32:24# Softly and sadly he sighed
0:32:24 > 0:32:28# Sadly he sighed
0:32:28 > 0:32:36# Vilja. #
0:32:39 > 0:32:42MUSIC: Finale from The Merry Widow by Franz Lehar
0:32:45 > 0:32:48# You may study her ways as you can
0:32:48 > 0:32:51# But a woman's too much for a man
0:32:51 > 0:32:55# It is deeper than diving for pearls
0:32:55 > 0:32:58# Courting girls, girls, girls, girls, girls
0:32:58 > 0:33:01# With her fair flaxen hair, eyes of blue
0:33:01 > 0:33:04# She's a long way too knowing for you
0:33:04 > 0:33:07# She is dark or she's fair She may smile or may frown
0:33:10 > 0:33:23# Never mind You will get done brown. #
0:33:44 > 0:33:48Proliferative prolixity
0:33:48 > 0:33:52of frenetic fatuities...
0:33:53 > 0:33:55You've guessed.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56The one and only
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Mr Ken Dodd!
0:33:58 > 0:34:01APPLAUSE
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Shut it!
0:34:18 > 0:34:20First of all, ladies and gentlemen,
0:34:20 > 0:34:24I'd like to say how tickled I am, missus!
0:34:24 > 0:34:25How, how...
0:34:27 > 0:34:31How tickled I am, under the circumstances.
0:34:31 > 0:34:35Standing here, this evening - here, in this magnificent...
0:34:35 > 0:34:36shed.
0:34:39 > 0:34:40This...
0:34:40 > 0:34:45this fantastic, Victorian doss-house...
0:34:45 > 0:34:48and seeing you all here, gathered - nay...
0:34:49 > 0:34:50..assembled...
0:34:52 > 0:34:54..even congregated, perhaps even const...
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Seeing you all here, this evening.
0:34:56 > 0:35:00Here, tonight, I've got my massive tickling stick. Here we go.
0:35:03 > 0:35:04Geronimo!
0:35:07 > 0:35:08Who's going to...?
0:35:13 > 0:35:14Full thrust!
0:35:14 > 0:35:16By Jove!
0:35:18 > 0:35:20So, love...
0:35:20 > 0:35:21By Jove!
0:35:23 > 0:35:25It always blows your hat off, does it?
0:35:28 > 0:35:29I know the feeling.
0:35:30 > 0:35:32Oh, I'll have to get rid of this. Now...
0:35:32 > 0:35:35Will you take it, please? I've been up the pole all day.
0:35:35 > 0:35:38First of all, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to say
0:35:38 > 0:35:40how...how ju-jubilified... Standing here, I knew, tonight,
0:35:40 > 0:35:42I knew it was going to be a wonderful jubilee occasion,
0:35:42 > 0:35:45and I'd like to say, ladies, what a beautiful day!
0:35:45 > 0:35:47What a beautiful day for putting your bustle on back-to-front
0:35:47 > 0:35:49and frightening the life out of your husband.
0:35:52 > 0:35:55I knew this was going to be a jubilee occasion as soon as I came
0:35:55 > 0:35:58on because half the audience are lit up.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Just once, just once in every...
0:36:04 > 0:36:07..quarter of a century, once in very quarter of a century,
0:36:07 > 0:36:09a moment like this happens - a theatrical moment
0:36:09 > 0:36:13when artist and audience sort of blend together
0:36:13 > 0:36:16in an absolutely momentous occasion.
0:36:16 > 0:36:21Unfortunately, this isn't one of them. But, still, never mind.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23I mean, you were probably saying...
0:36:23 > 0:36:25You're probably sitting there amazed, as I am,
0:36:25 > 0:36:27standing up here, looking at you.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31You're probably saying, "Why are we all here?"
0:36:31 > 0:36:32Why are we all here?
0:36:32 > 0:36:36Because we're not all there, that's why!
0:36:36 > 0:36:38Ladies and gentlemen, you're probably wondering
0:36:38 > 0:36:39why we sent for you.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Well, it's like this, you see...
0:36:42 > 0:36:45The audience here this evening have all been specially selected
0:36:45 > 0:36:50specially from people who can't afford to buy new clothes.
0:36:55 > 0:36:56It's like...
0:36:56 > 0:36:58Really, it's...
0:36:58 > 0:36:59No!
0:36:59 > 0:37:01APPLAUSE
0:37:04 > 0:37:07It's like performing at a rummage sale!
0:37:10 > 0:37:13Ladies and gentlemen, we have with us this evening
0:37:13 > 0:37:15several of our glorious soldiers,
0:37:15 > 0:37:18several members of Her Majesty's Armed Forces,
0:37:18 > 0:37:21and a gentleman, over here, who has a military bearing...
0:37:23 > 0:37:25Put it away, sir.
0:37:28 > 0:37:30I have been booked here this evening to raise titters.
0:37:30 > 0:37:35It's a funny sort of a job, I agree, but there you are.
0:37:35 > 0:37:37After all, missus, I mean, what is a laugh, love?
0:37:37 > 0:37:38What is a laugh?
0:37:38 > 0:37:42A laugh is a noise that comes out of a hole in your face.
0:37:42 > 0:37:44Anywhere else, you're in dead trouble.
0:37:48 > 0:37:49I could...
0:37:51 > 0:37:54I have prepared, ladies and gentlemen, I have prepared not one
0:37:54 > 0:37:55but three lectures.
0:37:55 > 0:37:58Three lectures here for your edification, here, this evening.
0:37:58 > 0:37:59Three lectures.
0:37:59 > 0:38:01One - I could preach to you on the evils of strong drink,
0:38:01 > 0:38:03if I could think of any.
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Also, my second lecture is
0:38:05 > 0:38:06"Why I'm Becoming A Mormon",
0:38:06 > 0:38:09and my third is...
0:38:11 > 0:38:12APPLAUSE
0:38:16 > 0:38:18.."What Is Enjoyment?"
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Me, myself, personally speaking, I like going round
0:38:20 > 0:38:25depressing Irish terriers by speaking to them in Welsh.
0:38:25 > 0:38:26Our...
0:38:27 > 0:38:30Our dog, at home, his idea of enjoyment is to go round
0:38:30 > 0:38:31worrying sheep.
0:38:31 > 0:38:34He sits on the fence, shouting, "Mint sauce, mint sauce!"
0:38:38 > 0:38:42Animals have always believed in enjoying themselves.
0:38:42 > 0:38:45That's why you've never seen a tom cat going out to work.
0:38:45 > 0:38:47This is our enjoyment - the music hall, ladies and gentlemen!
0:38:47 > 0:38:48The music hall -
0:38:48 > 0:38:51where Harry Champion invented the sparking plug,
0:38:51 > 0:38:53and where big strapping girls in black tights...
0:38:53 > 0:38:54- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Ooh...
0:38:54 > 0:38:55Eh?!
0:39:03 > 0:39:04Control yourself!
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Big strapping...
0:39:10 > 0:39:13big strapping girls in black stockings can-canned
0:39:13 > 0:39:17or can't-can'ted, according to their personal whims.
0:39:17 > 0:39:19Missus, you see, this, love, this is an educational show, tonight.
0:39:19 > 0:39:22This is an educational show. When you go out of here tonight
0:39:22 > 0:39:24you'll say, "Well, that's taught me a lesson."
0:39:27 > 0:39:31I am full of fantastic and futile facts. For instance...
0:39:35 > 0:39:40Did you know that if the Earth was to suddenly stop spinning, now,
0:39:40 > 0:39:43the Taj Mahal would hit you right in the back of the neck?
0:39:43 > 0:39:46You did. Oh, well... Tonight,
0:39:46 > 0:39:48friends, we shall be asking mind-boggling questions like,
0:39:48 > 0:39:50"where do flies go in the winter time?"
0:39:50 > 0:39:53And what are the tailors going to do about it?
0:39:55 > 0:39:56I mean...
0:39:58 > 0:40:00They say an elephant never forgets.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03I've never had a birthday card from one, have you?
0:40:03 > 0:40:06You see, folks, we very often, in these audiences,
0:40:06 > 0:40:07here, at The Good Old Days,
0:40:07 > 0:40:10we very often get a lot of intellectuals in the audience.
0:40:10 > 0:40:12Not tonight, of course. But...
0:40:12 > 0:40:14Not that there's anything wrong with this audience,
0:40:14 > 0:40:17that a good, swift kick in it wouldn't cure. In fact,
0:40:17 > 0:40:19I would like to place this on record - would you mind?
0:40:19 > 0:40:22Would you take this down in double writing, please?
0:40:22 > 0:40:24This is the best-looking audience
0:40:24 > 0:40:27I have ever had the honour of playing to!
0:40:27 > 0:40:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:31 > 0:40:36And I shall mention this to the optician tomorrow morning...
0:40:36 > 0:40:39Now, we've had numerous requests for a song, this evening.
0:40:39 > 0:40:42And I'd like to sing because, as you know, I have had my voice trained.
0:40:42 > 0:40:45- COUGHS - They put newspapers down for it.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47And I'd like to...
0:40:47 > 0:40:48sing you...
0:40:49 > 0:40:50..a beautiful baritone song,
0:40:50 > 0:40:54called - and I want you all to join in with me in singing Mistakes.
0:41:01 > 0:41:08# We make mistakes and we worry
0:41:08 > 0:41:13# All over nothing at all
0:41:15 > 0:41:21# We make mistakes that bring heartaches
0:41:21 > 0:41:28# And the teardrops fall like raindrops
0:41:28 > 0:41:35# We make mistakes and feel sorry
0:41:35 > 0:41:42# When we find someone new
0:41:42 > 0:41:49# Ah, but I made the greatest mistake of all
0:41:49 > 0:41:59# When I said goodbye to you. #
0:42:29 > 0:42:32A triumphant fanfaronade
0:42:32 > 0:42:34from the infallible
0:42:34 > 0:42:37Players' Theatre!
0:42:43 > 0:42:44# Right, right, right, right
0:42:44 > 0:42:48# It's all right It's all right now
0:42:48 > 0:42:51# There's no need to worry any more
0:42:51 > 0:42:55# I saw the army wasn't strong
0:42:55 > 0:42:58# Everything was wrong until the day I came along
0:42:58 > 0:43:02# But then the band played They all hoorayed
0:43:02 > 0:43:05# The guns fired a salvo of delight
0:43:05 > 0:43:08# I joined the army yesterday
0:43:08 > 0:43:11# So the army of today's all right
0:43:19 > 0:43:23# There's something about a soldier There's something about a soldier
0:43:23 > 0:43:26# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine
0:43:26 > 0:43:29# He maybe a major general He maybe a sergeant major
0:43:29 > 0:43:33# He maybe a simple private of the line, line, line
0:43:33 > 0:43:34# But there's something about his bearing
0:43:34 > 0:43:37# There's something in what he's wearing
0:43:37 > 0:43:39# There's something about his buttons all a-shine, shine, shine
0:43:39 > 0:43:43# Oh, a military chest seems to suit the ladies best
0:43:43 > 0:43:47# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine
0:44:24 > 0:44:28# When the man o' war or merchant ship comes sailing into port
0:44:28 > 0:44:32# The jolly tar with joy will sing of land ahoy
0:44:32 > 0:44:36# With a pocket full of money and a parrot in a cage
0:44:36 > 0:44:39# He smiled at all the pretty girls upon the landing stage
0:44:39 > 0:44:43# All the nice girls love a sailor
0:44:43 > 0:44:46# All the nice girls love a tar
0:44:46 > 0:44:50# For there's something about a sailor
0:44:50 > 0:44:54# Well you know what sailors are
0:44:54 > 0:44:57# Bright and breezy Free and easy
0:44:57 > 0:45:01# He's the ladies' pride and joy
0:45:01 > 0:45:04# Falls in love with Kate and Jane Then he's off to sea again
0:45:04 > 0:45:08# Ship ahoy! Ship ahoy!
0:45:08 > 0:45:11# All the nice girls love a sailor
0:45:11 > 0:45:15# All the nice girls love a tar
0:45:15 > 0:45:19# For there's something about a sailor
0:45:19 > 0:45:22# Well you know what sailors are
0:45:22 > 0:45:26# Bright and breezy Free and easy
0:45:26 > 0:45:29# He's the ladies' pride and joy
0:45:29 > 0:45:33# Falls in love with Kate and Jane Then he's off to sea again
0:45:33 > 0:45:36# Ship ahoy! Ship ahoy!
0:46:00 > 0:46:05# Well I'm a bit of a ruin that Cromwell knocked about a bit
0:46:05 > 0:46:08# One that Oliver Cromwell knocked about a bit
0:46:08 > 0:46:12# In the gay old days there used to be some doings
0:46:12 > 0:46:16# No wonder that the poor old abbey went to ruins
0:46:16 > 0:46:20# Those who've studied history sing and shout of it
0:46:20 > 0:46:23# And you can bet your life there isn't a doubt of it
0:46:23 > 0:46:27# Cos outside the Oliver Cromwell last Saturday night
0:46:27 > 0:46:31# I was one of the ruins that Cromwell knocked about a bit
0:46:31 > 0:46:35- # Oh, those who've studied history sing and shout of it- Shout of it
0:46:35 > 0:46:38- # You can bet your life there isn't a doubt of it- Doubt of it
0:46:38 > 0:46:41# Outside the Oliver Cromwell last Saturday night
0:46:41 > 0:46:45# She was one of the ruins Cromwell knocked about a bit. #
0:46:49 > 0:46:50Hmm!
0:47:34 > 0:47:37# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:47:37 > 0:47:41# It's a long way to go
0:47:41 > 0:47:44# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:47:44 > 0:47:48# To the sweetest girl I know
0:47:48 > 0:47:51# Goodbye Piccadilly
0:47:51 > 0:47:54# Farewell Leicester Square
0:47:54 > 0:47:58# It's a long long way to Tipperary
0:47:58 > 0:48:02# But my heart's right there
0:48:02 > 0:48:05# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
0:48:05 > 0:48:09# And smile, smile, smile
0:48:09 > 0:48:12# While you've a lucifer to light your fag
0:48:12 > 0:48:16# Smile boys, that's the style
0:48:16 > 0:48:19# What's the use of worrying
0:48:19 > 0:48:23# It never was worthwhile so
0:48:23 > 0:48:26# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
0:48:26 > 0:48:30# And smile, smile, smile
0:48:30 > 0:48:33# Rule Britannia
0:48:33 > 0:48:37# Britannia rules the waves
0:48:37 > 0:48:48# Britons never never never shall be slaves. #
0:48:53 > 0:48:56# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
0:48:56 > 0:49:00# And smile, smile, smile
0:49:00 > 0:49:03# While you've a lucifer to light your fag
0:49:03 > 0:49:07# Smile boys, that's the style
0:49:07 > 0:49:10# What's the use of worrying?
0:49:10 > 0:49:13# It never was worthwhile so
0:49:13 > 0:49:17# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
0:49:17 > 0:49:20# And smile, smile, smile
0:49:20 > 0:49:23# Rule Britannia
0:49:23 > 0:49:28# Britannia rules the waves
0:49:28 > 0:49:36# Britons never never never shall be slaves. #