0:00:08 > 0:00:12AUDIENCE: # Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay
0:00:12 > 0:00:14# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay
0:00:18 > 0:00:20# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay
0:00:24 > 0:00:25# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# Ta-ra-ra
0:00:29 > 0:00:30# Boom-de-ay
0:00:30 > 0:00:32# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay
0:00:32 > 0:00:35# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay
0:00:35 > 0:00:36# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay
0:00:36 > 0:00:39# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay
0:00:39 > 0:00:42# Ta-ra-ra boom-de-ay. #
0:00:42 > 0:00:44THEY CHEER
0:00:46 > 0:00:51FANFARE PLAYS
0:00:51 > 0:00:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Once again...
0:01:04 > 0:01:08..good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:08 > 0:01:11- Good evening!- Lovely!
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Reiteratively - that's once again...
0:01:15 > 0:01:21..preliminarily promoting prolongation of your plaudits,
0:01:21 > 0:01:26four aquatic inconsequentialities
0:01:26 > 0:01:30from absolutely inexhaustible,
0:01:30 > 0:01:33the Players Theatre!
0:01:33 > 0:01:35APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:37BAND PLAYS
0:01:40 > 0:01:44# Cruising down the river
0:01:44 > 0:01:48# On a Sunday afternoon
0:01:48 > 0:01:53# With one you love, the sun above
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# Waiting for the moon
0:01:56 > 0:02:04# The old accordion playing a sentimental tune
0:02:05 > 0:02:12# Cruising down the river on a Sunday afternoon
0:02:12 > 0:02:17# The birds above all sing of love
0:02:17 > 0:02:21# A gentle sweet refrain
0:02:21 > 0:02:28# The winds around all make a sound like softly falling rain.
0:02:29 > 0:02:33# Just two of us together
0:02:33 > 0:02:37# We'll plan a honeymoon
0:02:38 > 0:02:44# Cruising down the river on a Sunday afternoon.
0:02:46 > 0:02:49# I like to float in a cosy rowing boat
0:02:49 > 0:02:52# Up the river on a Sunday afternoon
0:02:52 > 0:02:56# With the sound of music blowing
0:02:56 > 0:03:00# I don't care tuppence where I'm going
0:03:00 > 0:03:03# I like to glide with a girlie by my side
0:03:03 > 0:03:06# It sets him all awhirl
0:03:06 > 0:03:08# You can have the sea
0:03:08 > 0:03:10# He's as happy as can be
0:03:10 > 0:03:13# Floating with my boating girl
0:03:16 > 0:03:19# Young Johnny Jones He had a cute little boat
0:03:19 > 0:03:22# And all the girlies He would take for a float
0:03:22 > 0:03:26# He had girlies on the shore
0:03:26 > 0:03:29# Sweet little peaches by the score
0:03:29 > 0:03:33# But Master Johnny was a wise one, you know
0:03:33 > 0:03:36# His steady girl was Flo
0:03:36 > 0:03:39# And every Sunday afternoon
0:03:39 > 0:03:43# She'd jump in his boat and they would spoon
0:03:43 > 0:03:45# And then he'd row, row, row
0:03:45 > 0:03:48# Way up the river he would row, row, row
0:03:48 > 0:03:49# A hug he'd give her
0:03:49 > 0:03:51# Then he'd kiss her now and then
0:03:51 > 0:03:53# She would tell him when
0:03:53 > 0:03:55# They'd fool around and fool around
0:03:55 > 0:03:56# And then they'd kiss again
0:03:56 > 0:03:59# And then he'd row, row, row
0:03:59 > 0:04:03# A little further he would row
0:04:03 > 0:04:07# Then he'd drop both his oars Take a few more encores
0:04:07 > 0:04:10# And then he'd row, row, row
0:04:10 > 0:04:12# And then he'd row, row, row
0:04:12 > 0:04:16# Way up the river he would row, row, row
0:04:16 > 0:04:19# A hug he'd give her Then he'd kiss her now and then
0:04:19 > 0:04:20# She would tell him when
0:04:20 > 0:04:24# They'd fool around and fool around And then they'd kiss again
0:04:24 > 0:04:26# And then he'd row, row, row
0:04:26 > 0:04:30# A little further he would row
0:04:30 > 0:04:34# Then he'd drop both his oars Take a few more encores
0:04:34 > 0:04:37# And then he'd row, row, row
0:04:37 > 0:04:44# And then he'd row, row, row. #
0:04:44 > 0:04:46APPLAUSE
0:04:54 > 0:05:00Unmistakingly choreographed corybantics
0:05:00 > 0:05:05crystallise the stimulant synchronisation
0:05:05 > 0:05:09of terpsichorean simultaneity.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11CHEERING
0:05:11 > 0:05:15Dancing together, ladies and gentlemen...
0:05:15 > 0:05:21Mr Bill Drysdale and Miss Chrissie Cartwright!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23APPLAUSE
0:05:23 > 0:05:24BAND PLAYS
0:08:03 > 0:08:05APPLAUSE
0:08:20 > 0:08:24Reeking, redolent of rasticity.
0:08:25 > 0:08:33We ask for your overwhelming warmth of welcome for the newest newcomer
0:08:33 > 0:08:40to our programme, ladies and gentlemen, Miss Jacqueline Clarke!
0:08:40 > 0:08:42APPLAUSE
0:08:49 > 0:08:51LAUGHTER
0:08:51 > 0:08:53SHE SCREECHES AND GIGGLES
0:08:55 > 0:08:57SHE CACKLES
0:09:01 > 0:09:03Ooh. Oh...
0:09:03 > 0:09:04Oh.
0:09:06 > 0:09:09This be Petal, my pet crab.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Now, you watch her cos she be nippy, now.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17# I'm just as happy as a girl can be
0:09:17 > 0:09:20# Upon my word it's true
0:09:20 > 0:09:24# I'm so very happy that I don't know which
0:09:24 > 0:09:26# Or what I be going to do
0:09:27 > 0:09:34# I'm in love and just engaged to a man who ploughs the seas
0:09:34 > 0:09:36# He fishes for a living
0:09:36 > 0:09:42# But he fished last night on land and he caught me
0:09:43 > 0:09:47# And he calls me his own Grace Darling
0:09:47 > 0:09:49# He says I am his pet
0:09:49 > 0:09:52# I found a plaice
0:09:52 > 0:09:56# Within his sole
0:09:56 > 0:09:59# That is no cod, you bet
0:09:59 > 0:10:02# When he asks me do I loves him
0:10:02 > 0:10:04# I answers...
0:10:04 > 0:10:07SHE GIGGLES AWKWARDLY
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"Ooh, not 'arf!"
0:10:09 > 0:10:16# I likes him for his whiskers cos they tickles me and makes me larf!
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Ooh!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Ooh! Ha-ha-ha...
0:10:21 > 0:10:22Ooh...
0:10:22 > 0:10:23Ah!
0:10:28 > 0:10:31# When in the moonlight on a beach we spoon
0:10:31 > 0:10:34# He is so very shy
0:10:34 > 0:10:38# He looks me straight in the eyeball
0:10:38 > 0:10:41# Then heaves a great big sigh
0:10:41 > 0:10:45# He says I am his angel
0:10:45 > 0:10:48# Yes! An angel without wings
0:10:48 > 0:10:52# He's not very pretty but upon my word
0:10:52 > 0:10:57# He do do some nice things
0:10:57 > 0:11:00# And he calls me his own Grace Darling
0:11:00 > 0:11:03# He says I am his pet
0:11:03 > 0:11:05# I found a plaice
0:11:05 > 0:11:08# Within his sole
0:11:08 > 0:11:11# That is no cod, you bet
0:11:11 > 0:11:15# When he asks me do I loves him, I answers...
0:11:15 > 0:11:19"Hur! Har-har... Ooh, not 'arf!"
0:11:19 > 0:11:25# I likes him for his whiskers cos they tickles me and makes me larf
0:11:49 > 0:11:52# When he asks me do I loves him
0:11:52 > 0:11:56# I answers, "Oh, not 'arf!" Come on, Petal!
0:11:56 > 0:12:02# I likes him for his whiskers cos they tickles me and makes me larf! #
0:12:02 > 0:12:05APPLAUSE
0:12:13 > 0:12:19Esoteric occultism,
0:12:19 > 0:12:26magical mystification, apocalyptical...
0:12:26 > 0:12:28That's out of the Bible.
0:12:28 > 0:12:36..arcana from Professor Ali Ben Zimbali!
0:12:36 > 0:12:39APPLAUSE
0:12:47 > 0:12:49In a moment, ladies and gentlemen,
0:12:49 > 0:12:53I'm going to do some magic that will astound and mystify you. Ha-ha!
0:12:55 > 0:12:57It gets better.
0:12:57 > 0:12:59In all seriousness, ladies and gentlemen,
0:12:59 > 0:13:02I have here a magic cabinet costing thousands of pounds.
0:13:02 > 0:13:05I'm going to take two gentlemen from this very audience,
0:13:05 > 0:13:08place them inside the box and make them disappear.
0:13:08 > 0:13:09Impossible, you might think.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12Before this, I require two volunteers.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14Mr Sachs, could you find me any two gentlemen from the audience, please?
0:13:14 > 0:13:17- Well, there's two young gentleman over there.- Don't be shy.
0:13:17 > 0:13:20Any two gentlemen just come up on the stage. Oh, we've got two there.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Very kind. Would you give them a round of applause, please?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25APPLAUSE
0:13:30 > 0:13:34Thank you. I have here two gentlemen that I can assure... I...
0:13:37 > 0:13:40- Excuse me, is this yours?- Yes. - Well, don't give it to me, will you?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43Thank you very much. Right, now, just examine the cabinet
0:13:43 > 0:13:45to make sure there are no trap doors or switches...
0:13:45 > 0:13:47That's close enough, son. Right, now...
0:13:47 > 0:13:48LAUGHTER
0:13:48 > 0:13:50I have here one box.
0:13:50 > 0:13:52To show the ladies and gentleman that it is not on a trap door
0:13:52 > 0:13:55could I have it a little further over to the centre, please?
0:13:55 > 0:13:57Thank you. Now, we will...
0:14:02 > 0:14:05What are you doing? You'll have me down the stairs in a minute.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07Where's he gone? Oi! Oi!
0:14:07 > 0:14:10Look, I don't want it down there, do I? I'm...
0:14:13 > 0:14:16- Is this yours?- Yeah.- Well, keep a hold of it. Don't give it to me.
0:14:16 > 0:14:18Now, take the cabinet to the centre.
0:14:18 > 0:14:19Thank you. Just the centre.
0:14:19 > 0:14:21Right, now... Whoa! Whoa!
0:14:22 > 0:14:24What's the matter?
0:14:26 > 0:14:30Are you on the tablets or something? What's the matter?
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Get out of the way. I'll do it myself. There we are. Whoa.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35Right, now, here we have the cabinet in the centre...
0:14:35 > 0:14:38A little further down, please, so that... Whoa! Whoa!
0:14:39 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER
0:14:44 > 0:14:46Move up, I'll be with you in a minute, sir.
0:14:46 > 0:14:47I don't want it over there.
0:14:47 > 0:14:52Right, finally, here we have the cabinet, right in the centre...
0:14:54 > 0:14:55Oi, oi, oi!
0:14:55 > 0:14:57Did you touch that cabinet?
0:14:57 > 0:14:58- No.- Well, who did, then?
0:14:58 > 0:15:00Would you kindly not touch the box?
0:15:00 > 0:15:02Now, I'll ask the gentle...
0:15:02 > 0:15:04What's the matter with you?
0:15:04 > 0:15:05I've lost my stick.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08I mean, you come up here and you expect me...
0:15:10 > 0:15:12HOOTS OF LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:14- Is this yours?- Yes.
0:15:14 > 0:15:17Frightened the life out of that lady there, now take that!
0:15:18 > 0:15:22I'll show you the cabinet is absolutely genuine, one solid...
0:15:22 > 0:15:25HE TAPS BOX LOUDLY ..mahogany...cabinet!
0:15:25 > 0:15:28You will notice by the way I was tapping that box, there was no...
0:15:28 > 0:15:31OTHERS TAP BOX LOUDLY You...
0:15:31 > 0:15:36Oh, look, get off the thing, what are you trying to do?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Now... LAUGHTER
0:15:40 > 0:15:43I won't bother with him, I'll take the... Where has he gone?
0:15:43 > 0:15:46I will take this gentleman here... I will...
0:15:46 > 0:15:47I won't bother with those two.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50I'll show you the cabinet is absolutely and positively...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53EMPTY! Oh, get out of there!
0:15:53 > 0:15:55You're spoiling the whole trick. Now, get out of it.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58So sorry about this. Now, come here, you.
0:15:58 > 0:16:00You're the troublemaker here. Now, come here!
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Come here when I'm talking...
0:16:03 > 0:16:05A-ha!
0:16:05 > 0:16:07CYMBALS CRASH
0:16:07 > 0:16:10You... CYMBALS CRASH
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Who told you to take that box?
0:16:13 > 0:16:16Right, just put the side on, will you, please?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18There we are. Right, I'll put the front on.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21Now, I'll pick this part up...
0:16:21 > 0:16:24You're standing on the...
0:16:24 > 0:16:26Get off!
0:16:26 > 0:16:29Right, now, I'll pick the front up and I'll...
0:16:29 > 0:16:32CYMBALS CRASH
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Was that you? I'm watching you!
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I'll pick the front up and I'll place the front...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Here, further, further!
0:16:41 > 0:16:44DRUMROLL, CYMBALS CRASH
0:16:44 > 0:16:47Do have a bit of sense, gentlemen!
0:16:47 > 0:16:51Right, now, I'll pick the front up, place front on the box like that...
0:16:51 > 0:16:54I'll show you the cabinet's the same all the way round.
0:16:54 > 0:16:57Here's one side, here's the front...
0:17:00 > 0:17:03BAND PLAYS UP-TEMPO TUNE
0:17:08 > 0:17:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:19 > 0:17:22CHEERING
0:17:25 > 0:17:28You can't be so cruel...
0:17:29 > 0:17:32..as to ask for more!
0:17:32 > 0:17:36The epicentre, I need hardly tell you, of that panicked pandemonium,
0:17:36 > 0:17:39was Mr Bryan Burdon!
0:17:40 > 0:17:45And now, inflammatorily flirtatious femininity,
0:17:45 > 0:17:49infallibly fascinating frivolity,
0:17:49 > 0:17:53Miss Stephanie Voss!
0:17:54 > 0:17:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:58 > 0:18:00BAND PLAYS
0:18:01 > 0:18:05# While strolling through the park one day
0:18:05 > 0:18:09# In the merry, merry month of May
0:18:09 > 0:18:15# I was taken by surprise By a pair of roguish eyes
0:18:17 > 0:18:20# In a moment my poor heart was stole away
0:18:20 > 0:18:24# A smile was all he gave to me...
0:18:24 > 0:18:27Ah!
0:18:27 > 0:18:32# But I felt as happy as I could be
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Ah!
0:18:35 > 0:18:39# A-a-ah! He immediately raised his hat
0:18:41 > 0:18:45# And as he passed, he did remark
0:18:45 > 0:18:50# I never shall forget the charmer that I met
0:18:52 > 0:18:55# That happy day while strolling through the park!
0:18:56 > 0:19:00Oh! But I thought no more about him...
0:19:00 > 0:19:04For I had other beaux
0:19:04 > 0:19:07until some three weeks later,
0:19:07 > 0:19:10through the park I chanced to go...
0:19:11 > 0:19:17# On a sunny, Sunday morning
0:19:17 > 0:19:20# In the middle of the month of June
0:19:20 > 0:19:23# Fatigued with walking in the heat
0:19:23 > 0:19:28# I sought the shade of an arbour sweet
0:19:28 > 0:19:33# For I felt that I was fit to swoon!
0:19:33 > 0:19:38# I found a place 'Twas seeming fare
0:19:38 > 0:19:41SHE GASPS
0:19:41 > 0:19:45# But a disgrace
0:19:45 > 0:19:50# A man was the-e-e-e-e-re!
0:19:50 > 0:19:54# On a sunny Sunday morning
0:19:54 > 0:19:57# In the middle of the month of June
0:19:57 > 0:20:02# He waylaid me so eagerly
0:20:02 > 0:20:06# Entreating me, was I free to be
0:20:06 > 0:20:10# His beloved for the afternoon
0:20:11 > 0:20:16# I asked the man what did he mean?
0:20:16 > 0:20:21# And then began that
0:20:21 > 0:20:26# Fateful scene...
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- AUDIENCE:- Oh, no!
0:20:29 > 0:20:33# O-o-o-on a sunny Sunday morning
0:20:33 > 0:20:36# In the middle of the month of June
0:20:36 > 0:20:40# He flew at me and held me tight
0:20:40 > 0:20:45# I fought him off with all my might
0:20:45 > 0:20:48GUFFAWS
0:20:48 > 0:20:53# But a lady weakens all too soon
0:20:53 > 0:20:55- AUDIENCE:- No-o-o-o-o!
0:20:57 > 0:21:01# This fly at length was in his web
0:21:01 > 0:21:05# I felt my strength
0:21:05 > 0:21:10# Begin to ebb
0:21:11 > 0:21:13# He sighed
0:21:13 > 0:21:16# I cried
0:21:16 > 0:21:19# He tried...
0:21:19 > 0:21:22# I died!
0:21:23 > 0:21:26Practically!
0:21:26 > 0:21:29# On a sunny Sunday morning!
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Ooh!
0:21:33 > 0:21:37# So, if strolling through the park one day
0:21:38 > 0:21:43# In the merry month of June or May
0:21:44 > 0:21:50# Don't be taken by surprise
0:21:50 > 0:21:54# By a pair of roguish eyes...
0:21:54 > 0:21:57SHE GASPS
0:21:57 > 0:22:01# Or you'll end up just like me...
0:22:01 > 0:22:03Ah!
0:22:03 > 0:22:08# The family way! #
0:22:10 > 0:22:13Oh, darling!
0:22:17 > 0:22:20APPLAUSE
0:22:28 > 0:22:31A global coagulation...
0:22:31 > 0:22:33- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:22:33 > 0:22:37- ..embodying pulchritudinous... - AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:22:37 > 0:22:40..ubiquitousness!
0:22:40 > 0:22:46Beauty everywhere! Introducing Mr Peter Reeves!
0:22:46 > 0:22:49BAND PLAYS, APPLAUSE
0:22:49 > 0:22:53Thank you very much, sir. Thank you very much indeed. Good evening.
0:22:53 > 0:22:57# Travellers all complain When back home again
0:22:57 > 0:23:01# From across the main That tho' they might obtain
0:23:01 > 0:23:04# Rubies, diamonds and pearls They were always short of girls
0:23:04 > 0:23:09# And they'll tell you how they long to gaze on sweet peroxide curls
0:23:09 > 0:23:13# But those tales about no girls are tommy-rot
0:23:13 > 0:23:18# It's to keep you lot at home, I'll tell you what
0:23:18 > 0:23:23# There are nice girls everywhere
0:23:23 > 0:23:27# There are nice girls everywhere
0:23:27 > 0:23:31# From Peru to Timbuktu
0:23:31 > 0:23:35# There's a girl for me And a girl for you
0:23:35 > 0:23:39# From the mountains of Piccadilly
0:23:39 > 0:23:43# To the wilds of Leicester Square
0:23:43 > 0:23:46# Search every land Up the Pall or down the Strand
0:23:46 > 0:23:50# There are nice girls everywhere
0:23:50 > 0:23:54# I've been round the map And I say a chap
0:23:54 > 0:23:58# Can easily set his cap At any maiden that
0:23:58 > 0:24:01# Takes his fancy anywhere Tall or short or dark or fair
0:24:01 > 0:24:06# If he'll lonely serenade her In a manner debonair
0:24:06 > 0:24:10# And can tell her in her language of her charms
0:24:10 > 0:24:15# Then he'll find a way to get into her arms...
0:24:15 > 0:24:19In Germany, for instance, the girls all think it's grand if you
0:24:19 > 0:24:24sing a serenade learned from a waltzing German band.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26BAVARIAN-STYLE WALTZ
0:24:26 > 0:24:29Ja, ja, ja, ja!
0:24:29 > 0:24:33# Ich lieb' mein' blond' fraulein, Berta
0:24:33 > 0:24:37# She is meine kleine Frankfurter
0:24:37 > 0:24:41# Meine Schickse She is such delight
0:24:41 > 0:24:45# In fact, she's real Gemutlichkeit!
0:24:45 > 0:24:50# Wir waltz und waltz the whole night long
0:24:50 > 0:24:54# Ze waltz musich goes on und on
0:24:54 > 0:24:58# Till I cry out Strauss! Rauss!
0:24:58 > 0:25:03# But mein Berta never halts Eating, drinking, always waltz
0:25:03 > 0:25:08# Ja, mein Berta does everything in waltz time! #
0:25:09 > 0:25:11You know it's very disturbing
0:25:11 > 0:25:13when you are loving a girl
0:25:13 > 0:25:15who does everything to the rhythm of the waltz.
0:25:15 > 0:25:18Eating, um-tom-tom, um-tom-tom.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20Drinking, oom-pom-pom, oom-pom-pom.
0:25:20 > 0:25:21Talking even!
0:25:21 > 0:25:24RYTHMICALLY: Guten Morgen, how are you? I am fine.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26Thank you. It's a nice day today.
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Jawohl.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31And some activities become virtually impossible.
0:25:31 > 0:25:33LAUGHTER
0:25:33 > 0:25:40# Ja, mein Bertha does everything in waltz time! #
0:25:40 > 0:25:43Jawohl.
0:25:43 > 0:25:44APPLAUSE
0:25:46 > 0:25:51In Spain, each senorita's flashing eye was turned my way when I
0:25:51 > 0:25:56sang them strange flamenco songs in accents wild and gay.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS
0:25:59 > 0:26:01HE MUTTERS
0:26:01 > 0:26:04TRUMPET FLOURISH
0:26:04 > 0:26:06# La la la la. #
0:26:11 > 0:26:13WITH SPANISH ACCENT: Good evening.
0:26:13 > 0:26:17I would like to singing for you,
0:26:17 > 0:26:21very good flamenco song that I sing to this girl in Spain.
0:26:21 > 0:26:23I tell her my name is Juan.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25She not impressed,
0:26:25 > 0:26:27she say, "When you've seen Juan you have seen 'em all!"
0:26:27 > 0:26:29LAUGHTER
0:26:33 > 0:26:37Very beautiful flamenco, it's called the Cantar de Abuelo.
0:26:37 > 0:26:39The Song of the Grandfather.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41But a very old man.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44Sometime this is also called Retribution.
0:26:44 > 0:26:45Because it's swift and terrible.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47It's a very beautiful song.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49The Cantar de Abuelo. Senor, hai hai.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52VIOLIN INTRO
0:26:53 > 0:26:58HE MIMICS FLAMENCO SINGING
0:27:06 > 0:27:08Ole!
0:27:12 > 0:27:14HE GROWLS AND MUTTERS
0:27:14 > 0:27:16LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:18MUTTERING
0:27:18 > 0:27:19INDISTINCT MUTTERING
0:27:22 > 0:27:23And stay there!
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# Mi cantar
0:27:28 > 0:27:32# A-a-a-a-a-a
0:27:32 > 0:27:40# A-aa-aa-aa-aa-aa
0:27:42 > 0:27:44# Ahhhhhhh
0:27:44 > 0:27:49# De mi abuelo! #
0:27:49 > 0:27:51Ole!
0:27:51 > 0:27:54SPANISH MUSIC PLAYS
0:27:54 > 0:27:56HE SINGS A COUPLE OF NOTES
0:28:01 > 0:28:05# My old grandfather had a beard
0:28:05 > 0:28:08# The longest in the world
0:28:08 > 0:28:11# It grew right down below his knees
0:28:11 > 0:28:14# It was long and grey and curled
0:28:14 > 0:28:18# One day we shaved the beard right off
0:28:18 > 0:28:21# And saw a sight bizarre
0:28:21 > 0:28:25# For when the beard had disappeared
0:28:25 > 0:28:27# We found it was grandma!
0:28:27 > 0:28:30# Ole! #
0:28:30 > 0:28:33MUSICAL FLOURISH
0:28:39 > 0:28:42CHEERING
0:28:51 > 0:28:54From Spain, velocitous,
0:28:54 > 0:28:59virtuosity invincible in ambidextrous
0:28:59 > 0:29:03circumrotatory projectiles
0:29:03 > 0:29:07interjectural trajectory.
0:29:07 > 0:29:08AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
0:29:08 > 0:29:11Hand, foot and mouth.
0:29:11 > 0:29:12LAUGHTER
0:29:12 > 0:29:14Juggling!
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Ladies and gentlemen,
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Valente-Valente!
0:29:19 > 0:29:23LIVELY MUSICAL INTRO
0:30:32 > 0:30:34APPLAUSE
0:31:14 > 0:31:16APPLAUSE
0:31:39 > 0:31:42MUSIC STOPS APPLAUSE
0:31:48 > 0:31:51DRUM SOLO
0:32:10 > 0:32:12APPLAUSE
0:32:18 > 0:32:20DRUM SOLO CONTINUES
0:32:23 > 0:32:26ORCHSTRAL FLOURISH
0:32:26 > 0:32:27APPLAUSE
0:32:31 > 0:32:33You like it?
0:32:33 > 0:32:34- Hm...- No?
0:32:34 > 0:32:35SHE LAUGHS
0:32:35 > 0:32:37Let's see...something special.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43DRUMBEAT MATCHES BOUNCE OF BALL
0:32:43 > 0:32:46What are you doing?! Oh!
0:32:46 > 0:32:47HE WHISTLES
0:32:47 > 0:32:50Oh!
0:32:50 > 0:32:53RAPID DRUM BEATS
0:32:56 > 0:33:00APPLAUSE
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- Thank you.- Yoo-hoo!- Hello, you. Ready?
0:33:11 > 0:33:14What's that? Funny.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19DRUM BEATS MATCH BALL
0:33:40 > 0:33:42CHEERING
0:33:50 > 0:33:55DRUMMING
0:34:26 > 0:34:29ORCHESTRA PLAYS JAUNTY TUNE
0:34:38 > 0:34:40AUDIENCE: OH!
0:34:46 > 0:34:47AUDIENCE: Oooooh!
0:34:59 > 0:35:01AUDIENCE GASPS
0:35:37 > 0:35:39Now that's what I call real spit and polish.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41LAUGHTER
0:35:41 > 0:35:46Illimitably lugubrious lucubrations
0:35:46 > 0:35:51illumine the immeasurably melancholic meanderings
0:35:51 > 0:35:55of none other than the one and only
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Mr Les Dawson!
0:35:57 > 0:35:59APPLAUSE
0:35:59 > 0:36:02BAND PLAYS
0:36:14 > 0:36:16BAND STOPS ABRUPTLY
0:36:16 > 0:36:17LAUGHTER
0:36:19 > 0:36:23Thank you for your applause. You have impeccable taste.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25However the warmth of your welcome has plunged me
0:36:25 > 0:36:28into a somewhat retrospective mood.
0:36:28 > 0:36:30May I have a little sombre music, please?
0:36:30 > 0:36:32VIOLIN PLAYS
0:36:35 > 0:36:39What a wonderful violinist. He can play till the cows come home.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42And it sounds as though they've arrived.
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Some years ago, ladies and gentlemen,
0:36:44 > 0:36:46I went through a traumatic period in my life.
0:36:46 > 0:36:49- AUDIENCE:- Aw...
0:36:49 > 0:36:51I teetered on the very abyss
0:36:51 > 0:36:53of total despair.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55- AUDIENCE:- Aw...
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Dame Fortune had deserted me.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00I was so unlucky, I bought some bananas once
0:37:00 > 0:37:02and when I peeled them they were empty.
0:37:02 > 0:37:03LAUGHTER
0:37:05 > 0:37:06LAUGHTER
0:37:13 > 0:37:15I remember once I backed a horse in the Grand National
0:37:15 > 0:37:17and it fell in the paddock.
0:37:19 > 0:37:22And then the wife, she'd had enough. She...
0:37:22 > 0:37:26she ran off with the fella next door and I did miss him.
0:37:30 > 0:37:31LAUGHTER
0:37:35 > 0:37:39I became a coward. I fled the concrete carnival we call city...
0:37:39 > 0:37:42and I sought sanctuary in the country.
0:37:42 > 0:37:46I remember that I wandered through a valley of timeless serenity,
0:37:46 > 0:37:49heather-clad hills and wind-rippled meadows
0:37:49 > 0:37:52stretched in languor towards a forest of stately elms...
0:37:53 > 0:37:55..wherein whose beckoning greenery...
0:37:55 > 0:37:58feathered choruses trilled on high
0:37:58 > 0:38:01in a cacophony of praise to the ultimate architect.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06Darting minnows in a chuckling brook
0:38:06 > 0:38:08escorted me to an old Tudor cottage
0:38:08 > 0:38:12that knelt by the side of a spilling orchard.
0:38:12 > 0:38:15The cottage had a garden of wondrous beauty to behold -
0:38:15 > 0:38:18strutting tulips and wild violets,
0:38:18 > 0:38:21highly scented honeysuckle and trailing jasmine
0:38:21 > 0:38:24that jostled in a confused riot of colour
0:38:24 > 0:38:26towards an herbaceous border...
0:38:30 > 0:38:33..where I spied an elderly lady in a faded velvet dress...
0:38:33 > 0:38:35a faded velvet dress, who stooped,
0:38:35 > 0:38:37tending to a rain-bruised marigold.
0:38:39 > 0:38:41I doffed my cap in the manner born
0:38:41 > 0:38:46and said, "Madam, what is the secret of your wonderful garden?"
0:38:46 > 0:38:50She looked at me with a face that was the colour of the autumn sky
0:38:50 > 0:38:51and said very simply,
0:38:51 > 0:38:53"Horse muck."
0:38:53 > 0:38:54LAUGHTER
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Of course, things have improved since then.
0:39:08 > 0:39:11In fact, my home life is now marvellous.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14This morning, in fact, the wife gave me breakfast in bed.
0:39:14 > 0:39:17It slid off the plate when she threw it.
0:39:18 > 0:39:21I didn't mind. I found there was something strangely erotic about
0:39:21 > 0:39:23a grilled kipper on quilt.
0:39:25 > 0:39:26I know why she was annoyed.
0:39:26 > 0:39:29I'd spilled hot cocoa down the front of her nightdress.
0:39:29 > 0:39:30Serves me right for wearing it.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38She was crouched in the doorway,
0:39:38 > 0:39:40bristling like a frustrated warthog.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44She had a towel round her head and she had a mud pack on her face.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47She looked like a bilious Gunga Din.
0:39:49 > 0:39:51I don't know why she bothers because if beauty's skin deep,
0:39:51 > 0:39:53the wife's going through life inside out.
0:40:00 > 0:40:03She undressed the other night without drawing the bedroom curtains
0:40:03 > 0:40:06and a Peeping Tom across the road gave himself up.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Time and time again,
0:40:11 > 0:40:14I've asked myself, "Why did I marry the Gorgon?"
0:40:16 > 0:40:20I'd no need to, you know. I could have let her father shoot me.
0:40:20 > 0:40:24And to think that once there was a great romance in my life.
0:40:24 > 0:40:27PIANO PLAYS: Romeo & Juliet Overture by Tchaikovsky
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Her name was Agatha Boulderbottom.
0:40:34 > 0:40:36She had two sisters but they died of embarrassment.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40I met her on a funfair in the tunnel of love.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41She was digging it.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46To me, she was the very embodiment
0:40:46 > 0:40:48of everything I'd ever sought in womanhood.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51She had no figure, she was thin.
0:40:51 > 0:40:52I don't know why she wore a brassiere.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54I've seen bigger lumps in oatmeal.
0:41:04 > 0:41:06I remember we went to a fancy dress ball.
0:41:06 > 0:41:08She pulled her purple knickers over her head
0:41:08 > 0:41:10and won first prize as a bruised damson.
0:41:15 > 0:41:18But our...
0:41:18 > 0:41:20our love was not meant to be.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23I took her to a gay French restaurant.
0:41:25 > 0:41:28A gay French restaurant in Huddersfield called the Chez By Gum.
0:41:31 > 0:41:33The menu was all in French. I ordered...
0:41:33 > 0:41:36HE SAYS FRENCH-SOUNDING WORDS
0:41:36 > 0:41:39The waiter said, "You can't have that. It's the band."
0:41:42 > 0:41:43So I had cod and chips.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49Agatha didn't like fish. I said, "Well, you have a tongue salad."
0:41:49 > 0:41:52She said, "I never eat anything from an animal's mouth."
0:41:52 > 0:41:53So she had an egg.
0:42:06 > 0:42:07LAUGHTER
0:42:09 > 0:42:11With the light of the candle on the table between us,
0:42:11 > 0:42:16I could tell she was visibly moved when I told her of my love.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18I bent across the candle to kiss her lips.
0:42:18 > 0:42:23She snatched her head away angrily and I fell on the candle.
0:42:23 > 0:42:26It took the head waiter 15 minutes to get the wick from up my nose.
0:42:30 > 0:42:33When I looked up with wax on my face,
0:42:33 > 0:42:35she'd gone. I...
0:42:35 > 0:42:37never saw her again but I heard that she became
0:42:37 > 0:42:39a welder in a trifle factory.
0:42:44 > 0:42:48Apparently while playing crib with the foreman, she overbalanced and
0:42:48 > 0:42:50fell into a vat of lukewarm raspberry jelly.
0:42:51 > 0:42:53I can only hope that somewhere,
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Agatha is set for life.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00And so to all young lovers everywhere...
0:43:00 > 0:43:01seize the moment!
0:43:01 > 0:43:03LAUGHTER
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Seize the moment for your passion,
0:43:08 > 0:43:11let nought destroy your pursuit.
0:43:11 > 0:43:13And all I can say to you everywhere is...
0:43:15 > 0:43:18..get stuck in! Ooh! Go on!
0:43:18 > 0:43:19BAND PLAYS
0:43:28 > 0:43:29APPLAUSE
0:43:36 > 0:43:40George M Cohan's songs
0:43:40 > 0:43:44contribute to our compendium of conviviality,
0:43:44 > 0:43:47transatlantic patriotism
0:43:47 > 0:43:51with the Players' Theatre plus Miss Lorna Luft.
0:43:51 > 0:43:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:43:53 > 0:43:55BAND PLAYS MILITARY FANFARE
0:43:58 > 0:44:04# Give my regards to Broadway
0:44:04 > 0:44:11# Remember me to Herald Square
0:44:11 > 0:44:16# Tell all the gang on 42nd Street
0:44:16 > 0:44:21# That I will soon be there
0:44:21 > 0:44:25# Whisper of how I'm yearning
0:44:25 > 0:44:29# To mingle with the old time throng
0:44:29 > 0:44:33# Give my regards to old Broadway
0:44:33 > 0:44:36# And tell them I'll be there e'er long
0:44:36 > 0:44:40# Over there, over there
0:44:40 > 0:44:44# Send the word Send the word over there
0:44:44 > 0:44:47# That the Yanks are coming
0:44:47 > 0:44:49# The Yanks are coming
0:44:49 > 0:44:52# They're hum-drum-drumming everywhere
0:44:52 > 0:44:54# So prepare
0:44:54 > 0:44:56# Say a prayer
0:44:56 > 0:45:00# Send the word Send the word over there
0:45:00 > 0:45:04# For we'll be over We're coming over
0:45:04 > 0:45:11# And we won't come back till it's over, over there
0:45:11 > 0:45:18# You're a grand old flag
0:45:18 > 0:45:21# You're a high-flying flag
0:45:21 > 0:45:26# And forever in peace may you wave
0:45:26 > 0:45:28# You're the emblem of
0:45:28 > 0:45:30# The land I love
0:45:30 > 0:45:33# The home of the free and the brave
0:45:33 > 0:45:36# Ev'ry heart beats true
0:45:36 > 0:45:37# For the red, white and blue
0:45:37 > 0:45:41# And there's never a boast or brag
0:45:41 > 0:45:45# So should old acquaintance be forgot
0:45:45 > 0:45:51# Keep your eye on that grand old...
0:45:51 > 0:45:54SNARE PLAYS MILITARY BEAT
0:46:06 > 0:46:10# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy
0:46:10 > 0:46:13# Yankee Doodle, do or die
0:46:13 > 0:46:17# A real live nephew of my Uncle Sam
0:46:17 > 0:46:21# Born on the Fourth of July
0:46:21 > 0:46:25# I've got a Yankee Doodle sweetheart
0:46:25 > 0:46:28# He's my Yankee Doodle joy
0:46:28 > 0:46:31# Yankee Doodle went to London
0:46:31 > 0:46:32# Just to ride the ponies
0:46:32 > 0:46:36# I am that Yankee Doodle boy
0:46:36 > 0:46:40# I'm a Yankee Doodle Dandy
0:46:40 > 0:46:43# Yankee Doodle, do or die
0:46:43 > 0:46:45# We'll be over
0:46:45 > 0:46:47# We're coming over
0:46:47 > 0:46:51# And we won't come back till it's over, over there
0:46:51 > 0:46:53# Yankee Doodle came to London
0:46:53 > 0:46:55# Just to ride the ponies
0:46:55 > 0:46:59# I am that Yankee Doodle boy
0:46:59 > 0:47:05# But should old acquaintance be forgot
0:47:05 > 0:47:13# Keep your eye on that grand old flag
0:47:14 > 0:47:21# And give my regards to old Broadway
0:47:22 > 0:47:26# I am that Yankee Doodle
0:47:26 > 0:47:29# She is that Yankee Doodle
0:47:29 > 0:47:35# I am that Yankee Doodle
0:47:35 > 0:47:41# Boy! #
0:47:41 > 0:47:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:48:03 > 0:48:06And now, ladies and gentlemen, there is just time to ask
0:48:06 > 0:48:08Mr Les Dawson to lead the company and yourselves
0:48:08 > 0:48:11in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:48:11 > 0:48:15Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Les Dawson, the entire company,
0:48:15 > 0:48:19Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...
0:48:19 > 0:48:21CHEERING
0:48:22 > 0:48:25..but this time, chiefly...
0:48:25 > 0:48:27ALL: ..yourselves!
0:48:27 > 0:48:30MUSIC: Down At The Old Bull And Bush by Florrie Forde
0:48:30 > 0:48:35# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:48:35 > 0:48:38# Down at the old Bull and Bush La-la-la-la-la
0:48:38 > 0:48:42# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:48:42 > 0:48:43# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:48:45 > 0:48:49# Hear the little German band La, la-la-la-la, la-la
0:48:49 > 0:48:53# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:48:53 > 0:48:56# Come, come, come and have a drink or two
0:48:56 > 0:49:00# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:49:00 > 0:49:02# Bush-Bush! #
0:49:02 > 0:49:03APPLAUSE