0:00:10 > 0:00:13# Has anybody here seen Kelly?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16# K-E-double L-Y
0:00:16 > 0:00:18# Has anybody here seen Kelly?
0:00:18 > 0:00:21# Find him if you can!
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# He's as bad as old Antonio
0:00:24 > 0:00:26# Left me on my own-i-o,
0:00:26 > 0:00:29# Has anybody here seen Kelly?
0:00:29 > 0:00:36# Kelly from the Isle of Man! #
0:00:36 > 0:00:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:39 > 0:00:42ORCHESTRAL FANFARE
0:00:43 > 0:00:45CHEERING
0:00:53 > 0:00:55AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:00:55 > 0:01:00Once again, good evening,
0:01:00 > 0:01:03ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08And now, would you like to say good evening
0:01:08 > 0:01:11to the Lord and Lady Mayoress of Leeds?
0:01:11 > 0:01:14AUDIENCE: Good evening!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Lady Mayoress!
0:01:16 > 0:01:18LAUGHTER
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Heterogeneity...
0:01:22 > 0:01:26..harmoniously homogenised...
0:01:27 > 0:01:33..for your exhilaration, exhibits initially...
0:01:34 > 0:01:39..the potentialities unparalleled...
0:01:40 > 0:01:43..of the Players' Theatre,
0:01:43 > 0:01:50plus Mr Peter Gale and Miss Sheila Matthews!
0:01:50 > 0:01:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:55# It's the Soldiers of the Queen, my lads
0:01:55 > 0:01:59# Who've been my lads Who've seen my lads
0:01:59 > 0:02:03# In the fight for England's glory, lads
0:02:03 > 0:02:06# Of its worldwide glory let us sing
0:02:06 > 0:02:10# And when we say we've always won
0:02:10 > 0:02:13# And when they ask us how it's done
0:02:13 > 0:02:16# We'll proudly point to ev'ry one
0:02:16 > 0:02:21# Of England's soldiers of the Queen! #
0:02:21 > 0:02:26# Tell me, pretty maiden, are there any more at home like you?
0:02:26 > 0:02:32# There are a few, kind sir but simple girls, and proper too
0:02:32 > 0:02:38# Then tell me, pretty maiden, what these very simple girlies do?
0:02:38 > 0:02:41# Kind sir, their manners are perfection
0:02:41 > 0:02:44# And the opposite of mine
0:02:44 > 0:02:47# Then take a little walk with me and then you will see
0:02:47 > 0:02:50# What a most particular girl should be
0:02:50 > 0:02:53# I may love you too well to let you go
0:02:53 > 0:02:56# And flirt with those at home, you know
0:02:56 > 0:02:59# Well, don't mind, little girl
0:02:59 > 0:03:03# You'll see I'll only want but you
0:03:03 > 0:03:09# It's not quite fair to them if you told them that you were true
0:03:09 > 0:03:12# I won't care a pin for your sisters if you love me
0:03:12 > 0:03:14# What would you say if I said I liked you well?
0:03:14 > 0:03:18# I'd vow to you
0:03:18 > 0:03:20# On bended knee?
0:03:20 > 0:03:23# On bended knee
0:03:23 > 0:03:27# If I loved you
0:03:27 > 0:03:29# Would you tell me what I ought to do
0:03:29 > 0:03:37# To keep you all mine alone to always be true to me?
0:03:37 > 0:03:41# If I loved you would it be a silly thing to do?
0:03:41 > 0:03:45# For I must love someone
0:03:45 > 0:03:48# Then why not me?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51# Yes, I must love someone really
0:03:51 > 0:03:56# And it might as well be you. #
0:03:59 > 0:04:08# Far away on the ocean of sunshine and foam
0:04:08 > 0:04:17# Sailed one day little Cupid in search of a home
0:04:17 > 0:04:25# Paused to hark to the sound of the murmuring dove
0:04:25 > 0:04:34# On his barque to that wonderful island of love. #
0:04:34 > 0:04:39# I may be crazy
0:04:39 > 0:04:41# But I love you
0:04:41 > 0:04:43# I'll do and dare, oh
0:04:43 > 0:04:45# I'm smart vaquero
0:04:45 > 0:04:49# You may be shady, but I love you
0:04:49 > 0:04:54# So won't you come right here and say goodbye
0:04:54 > 0:04:58# Because you may not see me any more
0:05:19 > 0:05:23# She's my lady love
0:05:23 > 0:05:27# She is my dove, my baby love
0:05:27 > 0:05:31# She's no girl for sittin' down to dream
0:05:31 > 0:05:35# She's the only queen Laguna knows
0:05:35 > 0:05:38# I know she likes me
0:05:38 > 0:05:42# I know she likes me because she said so
0:05:42 > 0:05:46# She is my lily of Laguna
0:05:46 > 0:05:51# She is my lily and my rose
0:05:51 > 0:05:54# She's my lady love
0:05:54 > 0:05:59# She is my dove, my baby love
0:05:59 > 0:06:03# She's no girl for sittin' down to dream
0:06:03 > 0:06:07# She's the only queen Laguna knows
0:06:07 > 0:06:10# I know she likes me
0:06:10 > 0:06:14# I know she likes me because she said so
0:06:14 > 0:06:19# She is my lily of Laguna
0:06:19 > 0:06:23# She is my lily and my rose
0:06:23 > 0:06:27# She is my lily of Laguna
0:06:27 > 0:06:29# She is my lily
0:06:29 > 0:06:35# And my rose. #
0:06:35 > 0:06:38APPLAUSE
0:06:50 > 0:06:54From that Leslie Stuart medley,
0:06:54 > 0:06:58we modulate to the imponderable...
0:07:00 > 0:07:03..improprieties
0:07:03 > 0:07:10of a metropolitan nocturnal assignation.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15Mr Ted Durante and Hilda!
0:07:15 > 0:07:20APPLAUSE
0:07:28 > 0:07:30SLURRING: # Everybody loves a baby
0:07:32 > 0:07:34# But I'd sooner have a pint
0:07:37 > 0:07:39# How's your father?
0:07:40 > 0:07:42HE GRUMBLES
0:07:42 > 0:07:44Me foot's gone dead.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Not working well.
0:07:50 > 0:07:53Ah! Sweet mystery of life.
0:07:57 > 0:07:59The greatest mistake...
0:08:05 > 0:08:08Arrgghh!
0:08:08 > 0:08:10I thought me tongue was hanging out.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15HE MUTTERS
0:08:17 > 0:08:19Bend, bend! Come on, bend.
0:08:19 > 0:08:21Bend, you bugger, bend, bend, bend.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25So, you won't bend, then.
0:08:25 > 0:08:27Then n-necess-essity...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31..is the mother...
0:08:34 > 0:08:37LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:56 > 0:08:57Stay there.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01I'm going back, too, Mother.
0:09:01 > 0:09:02Ahem...
0:09:02 > 0:09:04HE COUGHS LOUDLY
0:09:07 > 0:09:08# Have you got a light, boy?
0:09:10 > 0:09:15Just...just a minute. I've got me finger stuck in this f...
0:09:15 > 0:09:17Can you get a good grip?
0:09:27 > 0:09:28That's it.
0:09:28 > 0:09:31I opened it about half an hour, it's just so happens...
0:09:31 > 0:09:33Hang on.
0:09:42 > 0:09:44APPLAUSE
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I can't see anybody.
0:10:06 > 0:10:08There's not nobody there.
0:10:08 > 0:10:11Wh-What do you mean? Why?
0:10:11 > 0:10:14Oh, yes, yes, yes.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Yes.
0:10:16 > 0:10:17Four.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28No way, mate. Not four, not for that, no.
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Two? Do you accept two?
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Right.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36Do you want to buy a ferret?
0:10:40 > 0:10:42Hey! Down, down, down!
0:10:42 > 0:10:43Stay! Ha!
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I use it as a guard dog.
0:10:47 > 0:10:48Thank you very much, that's one.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50Hang on...
0:10:51 > 0:10:56And another one makes two. Beautifully, thank you very much.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05APPLAUSE
0:11:22 > 0:11:25Now you've learnt something.
0:11:25 > 0:11:29Scintillant in our glittering galaxy,
0:11:29 > 0:11:36we give you that vertiginous vital spark of variety,
0:11:36 > 0:11:39Miss Margaret Savage!
0:11:39 > 0:11:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:48 > 0:11:52# Erin's a spot famous for greenery
0:11:52 > 0:11:55# But we do not match with our scenery
0:11:55 > 0:11:57# We're not so green
0:11:57 > 0:11:59# We can make hay with you
0:11:59 > 0:12:06# Says the colleen "Ah, get away with you"
0:12:06 > 0:12:10# Ah, now, stop your philandering
0:12:10 > 0:12:14# You can't capture the rogue
0:12:14 > 0:12:18# She's heard your blarney from Clare to Killarney
0:12:18 > 0:12:23# The dear little girl with a bit of a brogue
0:12:23 > 0:12:27# Ah, now, stop your philandering
0:12:27 > 0:12:31# You can't capture the rogue
0:12:31 > 0:12:35# She's heard your blarney from Clare to Killarney
0:12:35 > 0:12:39# The dear little girl
0:12:39 > 0:12:45# With a bit of a brogue. #
0:12:45 > 0:12:47APPLAUSE
0:12:58 > 0:13:02# You made me love you
0:13:02 > 0:13:06# I didn't want to do it I didn't want to do it
0:13:06 > 0:13:11# You made me love you
0:13:11 > 0:13:16# And all the time you knew it I guess you always knew it
0:13:16 > 0:13:20# You made me happy sometimes
0:13:20 > 0:13:23# You made me glad... #
0:13:23 > 0:13:24Do you know this one?
0:13:24 > 0:13:28# And there were times, dear
0:13:28 > 0:13:33# You made me feel so bad
0:13:33 > 0:13:37# You made me sigh for
0:13:37 > 0:13:41# I didn't wanna tell you I didn't wanna tell you
0:13:41 > 0:13:46# I need some love, that's true
0:13:46 > 0:13:50# Yes I do, indeed I do You know I do
0:13:50 > 0:13:54# Give me, give me, give me, give me what I sigh for
0:13:54 > 0:13:59# You know ya got the brand o' kisses that I'd die for
0:13:59 > 0:14:04# You know you made me love you. #
0:14:07 > 0:14:11# East Side, West Side
0:14:11 > 0:14:15# All around the town
0:14:15 > 0:14:19# The kids sang "ring-a-roses"
0:14:19 > 0:14:23# "Brooklyn Bridge is falling down"
0:14:23 > 0:14:28# Boys and girls together
0:14:28 > 0:14:31# Me and Mickey O'Rourke
0:14:31 > 0:14:35# Tripped the light fantastic
0:14:35 > 0:14:39# On the sidewalks of New York
0:14:39 > 0:14:41# Oh... #
0:14:41 > 0:14:48# Rock-a-bye your baby with a Dixie melody
0:14:50 > 0:14:54# When you croon, croon a tune
0:14:54 > 0:14:58# From the heart of Dixie
0:14:58 > 0:15:03# Just place my cradle, mammy mine
0:15:03 > 0:15:07# Right on the Mason-Dixon line
0:15:07 > 0:15:11# And swing it from Virginia
0:15:11 > 0:15:15# To Tennessee with all the love that's in ya
0:15:15 > 0:15:18# Weep no more, my lady
0:15:18 > 0:15:23# Sing that song again for me
0:15:23 > 0:15:27# Soft and low, just as though
0:15:27 > 0:15:32# You had me on your knee
0:15:32 > 0:15:36# A million baby kisses I'd deliver
0:15:36 > 0:15:40# If you would only sing that Swanee River
0:15:40 > 0:15:44# Rock-a-bye your rock-a-bye baby
0:15:44 > 0:15:54# With a Dixie melody. #
0:15:54 > 0:15:56APPLAUSE
0:16:09 > 0:16:15In a melodic miscellany
0:16:15 > 0:16:23commingling titillant terpsichorean corybantics...
0:16:27 > 0:16:30..singing and dancing,
0:16:30 > 0:16:33Mr Peter Gale!
0:16:39 > 0:16:44# All men sing their best beside the old domestic hearth
0:16:44 > 0:16:50# Along the garden path and in the morning bath
0:16:50 > 0:16:53# Just rejoice and try the voice
0:16:53 > 0:16:57# Let the note resound
0:16:57 > 0:17:00# Don't forget it's melody
0:17:00 > 0:17:06# That makes this world go round
0:17:06 > 0:17:09# Never forget that one good tune deserves another
0:17:09 > 0:17:13# This is a song we can sing
0:17:13 > 0:17:16# Feeling like a nightingale upon the wing
0:17:16 > 0:17:21# La-la-la-la-la-la
0:17:21 > 0:17:24# I only know I never want to hear another
0:17:24 > 0:17:28This is the one that will cling
0:17:28 > 0:17:31# Like the story of the roses and the ring... #
0:17:31 > 0:17:32All together.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34# La-la-la-la-la-la... #
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Very nice.
0:17:36 > 0:17:39# It would a sheer delight on the phone
0:17:39 > 0:17:43# Or trombone, xylophone
0:17:43 > 0:17:47# I could dance to it all night on my own
0:17:47 > 0:17:50# To a lone saxophone
0:17:50 > 0:17:54# Never forget that one good tune deserves another
0:17:54 > 0:17:58# This is a song we can sing
0:17:58 > 0:18:00# Feeling like a nightingale upon the wing... #
0:18:00 > 0:18:02All together.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04# La-la-la-la-la-la. #
0:18:04 > 0:18:05Very good.
0:18:08 > 0:18:13# There's always tomorrow to bring us a smile
0:18:13 > 0:18:18# Maybe we should borrow this thought for a while
0:18:18 > 0:18:24# For then we'll both remember that life is but a game
0:18:24 > 0:18:29# We'll fan the dying ember and coax it into flame
0:18:29 > 0:18:35# Tomorrow we'll borrow this thought from a song
0:18:35 > 0:18:40# To capture the rapture of days that are gone
0:18:40 > 0:18:44# For when we're reunited
0:18:44 > 0:18:49# We'll have but this to say
0:18:49 > 0:18:57# Tomorrow was yesterday. #
0:19:03 > 0:19:07# La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
0:19:07 > 0:19:11# Now is the time to say farewell
0:19:11 > 0:19:18# Goodnight, Vienna
0:19:18 > 0:19:22# You city of a million melodies
0:19:22 > 0:19:26# Our hearts are thrilling to the strings that you play
0:19:26 > 0:19:31# From dawn till the daylight dies
0:19:31 > 0:19:35# Goodnight, Vienna
0:19:35 > 0:19:39# Now lovers kiss beneath your linden trees
0:19:39 > 0:19:42# The world is waiting on the edge of the day
0:19:42 > 0:19:46# Just waiting to say
0:19:46 > 0:19:52# Good night. #
0:19:53 > 0:19:56APPLAUSE
0:20:15 > 0:20:19# Who means my happiness?
0:20:19 > 0:20:26# Who would I answer yes to?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29# Well, you ought to guess who
0:20:29 > 0:20:32# Who
0:20:32 > 0:20:39# No-one but you. #
0:20:39 > 0:20:41APPLAUSE
0:20:53 > 0:20:57Incorrigibly gregarious
0:20:57 > 0:21:03in inexhaustible garrulity,
0:21:03 > 0:21:06uninhibited in Hibernicism...
0:21:08 > 0:21:10Irishness.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13Mr Frank Carson!
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Hi, lads! My, what a fantastic...
0:21:23 > 0:21:24Hi!
0:21:24 > 0:21:26HE LAUGHS
0:21:26 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:35Was it something I said?
0:21:37 > 0:21:40Well, I must say, once again, I'd like to thank the staff
0:21:40 > 0:21:43here at the city varieties for the lovely lodgings.
0:21:45 > 0:21:47A beautiful 29-bedroom, semidetached slum.
0:21:51 > 0:21:53I knew it was semidetached
0:21:53 > 0:21:55because it was moving away from the rest of the street.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01A knock the door and it was an old Irish lady who came to the door.
0:22:01 > 0:22:0379 years old.
0:22:03 > 0:22:05Big, long, green dress, beautiful white hair
0:22:05 > 0:22:08and one of the softest Irish accidents I've ever heard.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09She said...
0:22:09 > 0:22:12"What the hell d'you want, what are you doing here?!
0:22:12 > 0:22:13"What the hell d'you want?"
0:22:19 > 0:22:23I said, "Do you think the lady next door would give me a glass of water?"
0:22:24 > 0:22:26HE LAUGHS
0:22:26 > 0:22:29You see me laughing - I've heard them before.
0:22:30 > 0:22:31Good comedian, me.
0:22:33 > 0:22:36She said, "Come in to the dining room.
0:22:36 > 0:22:38"I've prepared a running buffet."
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Epsom salt sandwiches.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52I was going up to the bathroom.
0:22:57 > 0:23:00She says, "Have you a good memory for faces?"
0:23:00 > 0:23:01I said, "I have - why?"
0:23:01 > 0:23:03She says, "There's no mirror up there."
0:23:08 > 0:23:10The old gags are the best, aren't they?
0:23:10 > 0:23:13It's the way I tell them.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Her husband was a nice fella.
0:23:15 > 0:23:17He was lying in bed, looking for work.
0:23:23 > 0:23:25He got a card from the dole to go about a job
0:23:25 > 0:23:28and he brought it to the police.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31He said somebody had sent him a threatening letter.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36I said, "Can you not get a job?"
0:23:36 > 0:23:38He said, "There's no work at my trade."
0:23:40 > 0:23:42I said, "What's your trade?"
0:23:42 > 0:23:44He said, "I'm a coronation-flag seller."
0:23:50 > 0:23:52I called into the bedroom.
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I said, "I couldn't sleep in that bed last night.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57"There was a dead flea in the bed."
0:23:57 > 0:23:59She says, "A dead flea will do you no harm."
0:23:59 > 0:24:03I said, "I know that, but there was 40,000 came to the funeral."
0:24:03 > 0:24:06LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:12 > 0:24:16She said, "This is a five-star hotel."
0:24:16 > 0:24:20I said, "I know, I counted them through the slates in the roof."
0:24:20 > 0:24:24And I said, "I'd like to talk to you about the ceiling in my bedroom.
0:24:24 > 0:24:26She says, "What about it?"
0:24:26 > 0:24:27I says, "I'd like one."
0:24:31 > 0:24:32She says, "You needn't worry,
0:24:32 > 0:24:37"cos the people upstairs won't walk about much.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39"But they'll drop in now and again."
0:24:47 > 0:24:50They had a funny way of dividing the chicken.
0:24:51 > 0:24:54She said to the fellow, "What football team do you support?"
0:24:54 > 0:24:57He said, "Scunthorpe." She gave him a left leg.
0:24:57 > 0:24:59She says to the fella, "What team do you support?"
0:24:59 > 0:25:01He said, "Cleethorpes." She gave him a right leg.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03She says to me, "What team do you support?"
0:25:03 > 0:25:05I said, "Arsenal, but I'm not hungry."
0:25:10 > 0:25:14ORCHESTRA PLAYS JIG
0:25:15 > 0:25:18AUDIENCE CLAPS IN TIME
0:25:25 > 0:25:27Ineluctably...
0:25:30 > 0:25:35..luminous embodiment of lissom elegance,
0:25:35 > 0:25:39none other than Miss Sheila Matthews!
0:25:50 > 0:26:00# Every, every, every little while
0:26:01 > 0:26:06# I miss you my darling when you are away
0:26:06 > 0:26:11# I find myself dreaming of you night and day
0:26:11 > 0:26:16# I'm losing my appetite, losing my mind
0:26:16 > 0:26:21# I try to forget for a while
0:26:21 > 0:26:26# Then I find
0:26:26 > 0:26:35# Every little while I feel so lonely
0:26:35 > 0:26:42# Every little while I feel so blue
0:26:42 > 0:26:46# I'm always dreaming
0:26:46 > 0:26:51# I'm always scheming
0:26:51 > 0:27:01# Because I want you and only you
0:27:01 > 0:27:09# Every little while, my heart is aching
0:27:09 > 0:27:17# And every little while I miss your smile
0:27:17 > 0:27:22# And all the time I seem to miss you
0:27:22 > 0:27:27# I want to, want to kiss you
0:27:27 > 0:27:35# Every, every, every little while
0:27:36 > 0:27:45# Every little while I feel so lonely
0:27:45 > 0:27:52# Every little while I feel so blue
0:27:52 > 0:27:56# I'm always dreaming
0:27:56 > 0:28:00# I'm always scheming
0:28:00 > 0:28:11# Because I want you and only you
0:28:11 > 0:28:19# Every little while, my heart is aching
0:28:19 > 0:28:26# Every little while I miss your smile
0:28:26 > 0:28:31# And all the time I seem to miss you
0:28:31 > 0:28:36# I want to, want to kiss you
0:28:36 > 0:28:44# Every, every, every little while
0:28:45 > 0:28:51# And all the time I seem to miss you
0:28:51 > 0:28:57# I want to, want to kiss you
0:28:57 > 0:29:04# Every, every, every little...
0:29:04 > 0:29:09# ..while. #
0:29:09 > 0:29:12APPLAUSE
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Definitive indubiety,
0:29:29 > 0:29:33ambiguity incarnate,
0:29:33 > 0:29:36that arch exponent,
0:29:36 > 0:29:40the one and only Mr Larry Grayson!
0:29:55 > 0:29:58# No doubt you've heard that well-known song
0:29:58 > 0:30:01# They sang in bygone days
0:30:01 > 0:30:05# My Fiddle Is My Sweetheart
0:30:05 > 0:30:08# It used to be the craze
0:30:08 > 0:30:12# But fiddling I have always thought
0:30:12 > 0:30:15# Infra dig, you know
0:30:15 > 0:30:18# My bicycle is my sweetheart
0:30:18 > 0:30:22# My friends will tell you so
0:30:22 > 0:30:25# My bicycle brings me such
0:30:25 > 0:30:27# Brilliant pleasure
0:30:27 > 0:30:30# I pedal up hill and down dale
0:30:30 > 0:30:32# My wheels are ball bearing
0:30:32 > 0:30:34# They are such a treasure
0:30:34 > 0:30:37# I never have known them to fail
0:30:37 > 0:30:40# My doctor said cycling is healthy and nice
0:30:40 > 0:30:43# But for one's pleasure one must pay a price... #
0:30:45 > 0:30:47LAUGHTER
0:30:51 > 0:30:53# I think I've been lucky
0:30:53 > 0:30:56# I've been punctured twice... #
0:30:56 > 0:31:00LAUGHTER AND CRIES What a gay day.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04# As I jump on my push-bike and pedal away. #
0:31:04 > 0:31:07APPLAUSE
0:31:21 > 0:31:23LAUGHTER
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Well, I'm worn out before I start.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30Do you know, I stand here like this, but I'm in a terrible agony.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32- Aren't I? Speak.- Yes.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35He's as common as dirt. Do you know...
0:31:35 > 0:31:37LAUGHTER
0:31:37 > 0:31:40I stand up with all this damp weather...
0:31:40 > 0:31:42I'm riddled with arthritis. I'm riddled.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45- AUDIENCE:- Aww...- Yes, I am!
0:31:45 > 0:31:47What a common audience.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52The other day I was at home and, of course,
0:31:52 > 0:31:54I don't get up too early, you know.
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I've never been an early riser.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59LAUGHTER
0:32:00 > 0:32:03Isn't it funny? You always get the common lot on this side.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09There came this knock on my door. I think, "Who could it be?" I thought.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11Is it the postman - Pop-It-In Pete?
0:32:11 > 0:32:13LAUGHTER
0:32:17 > 0:32:19"Come in," I cried. It was Apricot Lil.
0:32:21 > 0:32:23She came rushing in. I said, "Sit down, Lil," I said.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26I've just got to do me legs.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29She said... Listen, she said...
0:32:29 > 0:32:32"Have you heard about the vicar?" I said, "What's he been up to now?"
0:32:32 > 0:32:34She said, "Oh, terrible," she said.
0:32:34 > 0:32:37She said, "Well, he was coming down the hillock the other day
0:32:37 > 0:32:40"and he caught his surplus in the spokes."
0:32:40 > 0:32:41And he'd thrown himself off, you see,
0:32:41 > 0:32:43and he was going to sell his bicycle.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46She said, "Now, you get around there as quick as you can, go round
0:32:46 > 0:32:49"as quick as you can," she said, "and make him an offer he can't refuse."
0:32:49 > 0:32:51Well, I said... LAUGHTER
0:32:56 > 0:32:59I said, "What would I want a bicycle for?" I said.
0:32:59 > 0:33:03"Everard and I have got the tandem."
0:33:03 > 0:33:07She said, "Be independent. Because Brenda Allcock..."
0:33:09 > 0:33:12She said, "She's just started a cycling club called
0:33:12 > 0:33:14"the Wobbly Wheelers."
0:33:14 > 0:33:18He said, "If you buy the vicar's bicycle, you can join us."
0:33:18 > 0:33:21I said, "I'd like to feel a bit of freedom and it does me
0:33:21 > 0:33:23"good to get me legs working, you know.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26"This last few months I haven't felt so limp as I usually do."
0:33:26 > 0:33:28You know.
0:33:28 > 0:33:30Anyway, so I got myself all ready,
0:33:30 > 0:33:34we met outside at ten o'clock on the Sunday morning. Everybody came.
0:33:34 > 0:33:37There was Slack Alice, Apricot Lil, Easy Edna...
0:33:37 > 0:33:40Once-A-Week Nora.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43They were all there and, of course, Slack,
0:33:43 > 0:33:45though she slept in a hedge all night,
0:33:45 > 0:33:47she brought a packed lunch -
0:33:47 > 0:33:49bottle of vodka and a banana.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51LAUGHTER
0:33:56 > 0:33:58He's anybody's for a doughnut.
0:33:58 > 0:34:00UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER
0:34:06 > 0:34:09I got on, you see, I was all right, I was comfortable,
0:34:09 > 0:34:10I'd talcced the saddle.
0:34:10 > 0:34:12And then...
0:34:13 > 0:34:14They said, "Here we go."
0:34:14 > 0:34:17Well, down we went, down through the lanes, through the field
0:34:17 > 0:34:20and I was peddling, I was freewheeling, backpedalling,
0:34:20 > 0:34:22doing the lot and then going down this hillock...
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Do you know, I go cold when I think about it.
0:34:28 > 0:34:33..this vision passed me doing about 90mph.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35It was Slack Alice.
0:34:36 > 0:34:40Her mouth was open, she was trying to say something.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Like, "Help."
0:34:46 > 0:34:47Well...
0:34:55 > 0:34:57I could see her going down.
0:34:59 > 0:35:00Is he with you?
0:35:00 > 0:35:01I could see her...
0:35:02 > 0:35:05And I could see her going down the hillock and she turned
0:35:05 > 0:35:07and she went into a farmyard.
0:35:09 > 0:35:12I have never seen so many feathers in my life.
0:35:12 > 0:35:16It's the first time I've seen chickens go up in the air
0:35:16 > 0:35:18and come down plucked.
0:35:24 > 0:35:26It's the truth.
0:35:26 > 0:35:28We couldn't find her for an hour.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31And when we found her, she was on top of the haystack.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33I thought it was a scarecrow.
0:35:33 > 0:35:37She got all straw stuck in her ears, she thought she'd gone deaf.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40Anyway, it's the last time she went on her bicycle,
0:35:40 > 0:35:42so we had a whip around, all of us, we had a whip around
0:35:42 > 0:35:45and we bought her a tricycle now, so she'll be safe on that.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48So if you see her out on a Sunday morning,
0:35:48 > 0:35:50give her a wave and shout, "What a gay day!"
0:35:52 > 0:35:55She'll always come back with two words for you, but...
0:35:57 > 0:36:00Mind you, I've been very fortunate because, you see... Me legs,
0:36:00 > 0:36:03you know, I mean, I get it all down, terrible...
0:36:03 > 0:36:05- AUDIENCE:- Aww. - Oh, I do. Do you get it?
0:36:10 > 0:36:12I bet YOU get it, don't you?
0:36:14 > 0:36:16You look a funny age to me.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20APPLAUSE
0:36:24 > 0:36:26You see...
0:36:26 > 0:36:29# My bicycle brings me such innocent pleasure
0:36:29 > 0:36:33# I pedal up hill and down dale
0:36:33 > 0:36:34# My wheels are ball bearing
0:36:34 > 0:36:36# They are such a treasure
0:36:36 > 0:36:39# I never have known them to fail
0:36:39 > 0:36:42# My doctor said cycling is healthy and nice
0:36:42 > 0:36:46# But for one's pleasure you must pay a price
0:36:46 > 0:36:49# I think I've been lucky
0:36:49 > 0:36:52# I've been punctured twice
0:36:52 > 0:36:54# Ha-ha-ha! #
0:36:54 > 0:36:56Shut that door.
0:36:56 > 0:37:00# As I jumped on my push-bike and pedalled away. #
0:37:01 > 0:37:05APPLAUSE
0:37:18 > 0:37:24- Illustriously immaculate lion comique.- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:37:24 > 0:37:28Your own, your very own Mr Edward Woodward.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31APPLAUSE
0:37:36 > 0:37:39# Champagne Charlie is his name
0:37:39 > 0:37:42# Champagne drinking is his game
0:37:42 > 0:37:46# He likes lots and lots of fizz, fizz, fizz
0:37:46 > 0:37:49# He'll drink every drop there is, is, is... #
0:37:49 > 0:37:53APPLAUSE # Champagne Charlie is my name
0:37:53 > 0:37:56# Champagne drinking is my game
0:37:56 > 0:38:00# I'm the idol of the barmaids
0:38:00 > 0:38:02# Champagne Charlie is my name
0:38:04 > 0:38:09# But I'm shy, Mary Ellen
0:38:09 > 0:38:12# I'm shy
0:38:12 > 0:38:17# It does seem so naughty Oh, my
0:38:17 > 0:38:21# Kissing is nice so I've often heard say
0:38:21 > 0:38:26# Still, how to do it I don't know the way
0:38:26 > 0:38:31# So you put your arm round my waist
0:38:31 > 0:38:36# I promise I won't scream or cry
0:38:36 > 0:38:38# But you do the kissing
0:38:38 > 0:38:41# And cuddling instead
0:38:41 > 0:38:43# Cos I'm shy, Mary Ellen
0:38:43 > 0:38:45# I'm shy
0:38:45 > 0:38:49# I'm shy, Mary Ellen, I'm shy
0:38:49 > 0:38:54# It does seem so naughty Oh, my
0:38:54 > 0:38:58# Still, we got married and got home all right
0:38:58 > 0:39:02# Kept up the fun with our friends until light
0:39:02 > 0:39:07# They said, Mary Ellen, goodbye
0:39:07 > 0:39:11# They started to go, so did I
0:39:11 > 0:39:15# I said, you're not going and then said, I am
0:39:15 > 0:39:18# Cos I'm shy, Mary Ellen, shy
0:39:19 > 0:39:22# I'm shy, Mary Ellen
0:39:22 > 0:39:24# Shy, Mary Ellen
0:39:24 > 0:39:28# Shy, Mary Ellen, I'm shy
0:39:29 > 0:39:31# So shy
0:39:31 > 0:39:33# I'm shy
0:39:34 > 0:39:37# So shy. #
0:39:37 > 0:39:39APPLAUSE
0:39:53 > 0:39:59# I'll take you home again, Kathleen
0:40:01 > 0:40:09# Across the ocean wild and wide
0:40:10 > 0:40:18# To where your heart has ever been
0:40:18 > 0:40:26# Since first you were my bonnie bride
0:40:26 > 0:40:34# The roses all have left your cheeks
0:40:34 > 0:40:43# I've watched them fade away and die
0:40:43 > 0:40:51# Your voice is sad whene'er you speak
0:40:51 > 0:40:59# And tears bedim your loving eyes
0:41:01 > 0:41:09# Oh, I will take you back, Kathleen
0:41:10 > 0:41:18# To where your heart will feel no pain
0:41:18 > 0:41:27# And when the fields are fresh and green
0:41:27 > 0:41:39# I'll take you to your home again
0:41:40 > 0:41:50# And when those fields are fresh and green
0:41:50 > 0:42:03# Oh, I'll take you to your home again
0:42:04 > 0:42:11# Kathleen. #
0:42:11 > 0:42:14APPLAUSE
0:42:16 > 0:42:17Thank you, thank you.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25And now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:42:25 > 0:42:28let's see what the Band Of Hope can do with this one. Sir.
0:42:31 > 0:42:35# Who were you with last night
0:42:35 > 0:42:38# Out in the pale moonlight?
0:42:38 > 0:42:41# It wasn't your sister it wasn't your ma
0:42:41 > 0:42:44# Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah-ah ah-ah
0:42:44 > 0:42:48AUDIENCE JOINS IN # Who were you with last night
0:42:48 > 0:42:51# Out in the pale moonlight?
0:42:51 > 0:42:55# Are you going to tell your missus when you get home
0:42:55 > 0:42:57# Who you were with last night? #
0:42:57 > 0:43:00And now, ladies and gentlemen, the chorus, I beg your pardon,
0:43:00 > 0:43:02choral, ladies and gentlemen, and yourselves,
0:43:02 > 0:43:04join me in the next ve-e-rse.
0:43:05 > 0:43:09- # Who where you with last night? - That's my business
0:43:09 > 0:43:12- # Who were you with last night? - I'm not telling you
0:43:12 > 0:43:14- # It wasn't your sister - No
0:43:14 > 0:43:16- # It wasn't your ma - How dare you?
0:43:16 > 0:43:19# Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah-ah ah-ah
0:43:19 > 0:43:22# Who were you with last night
0:43:22 > 0:43:25# Out in the pale moonlight?
0:43:25 > 0:43:29# Are you going to tell your missus when you get home
0:43:29 > 0:43:31# Who you were with last night? #
0:43:31 > 0:43:35And now, ladies and gentlemen, the orchestra have your heads.
0:43:35 > 0:43:39All those who can't swim, hang onto the banisters.
0:43:39 > 0:43:41ORCHESTRA PLAY VIBRANTLY
0:43:43 > 0:43:44Come on!
0:43:44 > 0:43:46Play the trumpet, play the trumpet.
0:43:46 > 0:43:50Point that stick up. Watch it, watch it.
0:43:50 > 0:43:53# Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah-ah ah-ah
0:43:53 > 0:43:56# Who were you with last night
0:43:56 > 0:43:59# Out in the pale moonlight?
0:43:59 > 0:44:03# Are you going to tell your missus when you get home
0:44:03 > 0:44:05# Who you were with last
0:44:05 > 0:44:07# Who you were with last
0:44:07 > 0:44:12# Who you were with last night?
0:44:12 > 0:44:15APPLAUSE
0:44:23 > 0:44:25And now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:44:25 > 0:44:28there's just time to ask Mr Edward Woodward
0:44:28 > 0:44:30and Mr Larry Grayson to lead the company and yourselves
0:44:30 > 0:44:33in the last chorus for tonight - Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:44:33 > 0:44:36Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Edward Woodward, Mr Larry Grayson,
0:44:36 > 0:44:39the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann,
0:44:39 > 0:44:41the entire and indefatigable orchestra...
0:44:41 > 0:44:44CHEERING
0:44:44 > 0:44:48..and, this time, chiefly, yourselves.
0:44:51 > 0:44:55# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:44:55 > 0:44:58# Down at The Old Bull and Bush Ah-ah ah-ah-ah
0:44:58 > 0:45:02# Come, come drink some port wine with me
0:45:02 > 0:45:04# Down at The Old Bull and Bush
0:45:05 > 0:45:09# Hear the little German band oompah-pah, oompah-pah
0:45:09 > 0:45:12# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:45:12 > 0:45:16# Come, come, come and have a drink with me
0:45:16 > 0:45:21# Down at The Old Bull and Bush Bush-Bush. #
0:45:21 > 0:45:26APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:45:26 > 0:45:29AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG TO MUSIC