0:00:09 > 0:00:14ALL: # After the ball is over
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# After the break of morn
0:00:18 > 0:00:23# After the dancers' leaving
0:00:23 > 0:00:28# After the stars have gone
0:00:28 > 0:00:32# Many a heart is aching
0:00:32 > 0:00:37# If you could read them all
0:00:37 > 0:00:41# Many the hope that has vanished
0:00:41 > 0:00:49# After the ball! #
0:00:49 > 0:00:53CHEERING
0:00:53 > 0:00:57BAND PLAYS FANFARE
0:00:57 > 0:01:00CHEERING
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CHEERING
0:01:08 > 0:01:10Once again...
0:01:10 > 0:01:15good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:15 > 0:01:18- ALL:- Good evening!
0:01:18 > 0:01:22- Circumlocutory... - Ooh!
0:01:22 > 0:01:26- ..of pusillanimity... - Ooh!
0:01:26 > 0:01:34..rhapsodical in ecstatic, eulogistic transports...
0:01:34 > 0:01:40- Ooh!- ..inaugurally egregious for your gratification...
0:01:40 > 0:01:44inexhaustible in expertise...
0:01:44 > 0:01:47the Players Theatre!
0:01:47 > 0:01:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:53 > 0:01:57# Oh, I do like to be beside the seaside
0:01:57 > 0:02:00# I do like to be beside the sea
0:02:00 > 0:02:03# I do like to stroll along the prom, prom, prom
0:02:03 > 0:02:07# Where the brass bands play, tiddly-om-pom-pom!
0:02:07 > 0:02:10# Just let me be beside the seaside
0:02:10 > 0:02:14# And I'll be beside myself with glee
0:02:14 > 0:02:16- BOYS:- # There are lots of girls beside
0:02:16 > 0:02:18# I should like to be beside
0:02:18 > 0:02:21# Beside the seaside, beside the sea. #
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# All the girls are lovely by the seaside
0:02:24 > 0:02:28# All the girls are lovely by the sea
0:02:28 > 0:02:31- GIRLS:- # When we're strolling down beside the ocean
0:02:31 > 0:02:35# The ocean, what a commotion!
0:02:35 > 0:02:38# All the girls are lovely by the seaside
0:02:38 > 0:02:42# With their curls and bits of drapery
0:02:42 > 0:02:44# What their age is you don't care
0:02:44 > 0:02:45# Everyone is handsome there
0:02:45 > 0:02:47# Maidens young and maidens fair
0:02:47 > 0:02:49# Maidens old with baby stare
0:02:49 > 0:02:51# No front teeth, no back hair
0:02:51 > 0:02:52# Trying to smile like Zena Dare
0:02:52 > 0:02:54# They're all lovely by the sea
0:02:54 > 0:02:56# That's what they're saying!
0:02:56 > 0:03:00# They're all lovely by the sea. #
0:03:00 > 0:03:02APPLAUSE
0:03:04 > 0:03:07# The seaside whirl
0:03:07 > 0:03:11# Of a seaside girl
0:03:11 > 0:03:15# As deep as a sea
0:03:15 > 0:03:19# And as wide as the ocean is she
0:03:19 > 0:03:22# Her front teeth cost her a fiver
0:03:22 > 0:03:26# They shine just like mother-of-pearl
0:03:26 > 0:03:30# And that's why there's always a smile on the face
0:03:30 > 0:03:34# Of the seaside girl. #
0:03:34 > 0:03:37# I love to go swimming with women
0:03:37 > 0:03:40# And women love swimming with me
0:03:40 > 0:03:44# He pretends that he's a crab And our dainty ankles grab
0:03:44 > 0:03:48# Who wouldn't be a lobster in the sea?
0:03:48 > 0:03:51# For peaches all fall on the beaches
0:03:51 > 0:03:55# And picking is my speciality
0:03:55 > 0:03:58# He gets those Navy notions When he sees floating queens
0:03:58 > 0:04:01# He dives into the ocean And he plays submarines
0:04:01 > 0:04:05# I love to go swimming with women
0:04:05 > 0:04:08# And women love swimming with me. #
0:04:08 > 0:04:12# Yes, I do like to be beside the seaside
0:04:12 > 0:04:15# I do like to be beside the sea
0:04:15 > 0:04:19# I do like to stroll along the prom-prom-prom
0:04:19 > 0:04:22# Where the brass bands play, tiddly-om-pom-pom!
0:04:22 > 0:04:26# Just let me be beside the seaside
0:04:26 > 0:04:29# I'll be beside myself with glee
0:04:29 > 0:04:32# There are lots of girls besides I should like to be beside
0:04:32 > 0:04:35# Beside the seaside, beside the sea
0:04:35 > 0:04:38# Beside the sea, beside the seaside
0:04:38 > 0:04:41# Beside the sea! #
0:04:41 > 0:04:45- Yeah! - CHEERING
0:04:51 > 0:04:54You will have the Players Theatre once again
0:04:54 > 0:04:55later on in the programme.
0:04:55 > 0:04:59And now, a Caledonian concatenation...
0:04:59 > 0:05:05- Ooh!- ..capriciously, incontestably cacchinatory...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07- Ooh! - ..conviviality...
0:05:07 > 0:05:09Ooh!
0:05:09 > 0:05:11Scottish fun!
0:05:11 > 0:05:15..ladies and gentlemen, Mr Barry Cryer!
0:05:15 > 0:05:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:28 > 0:05:33# Oh, I'm courting a farmer's daughter
0:05:33 > 0:05:35# She's one of the nicest ever seen
0:05:35 > 0:05:37# Her cheeks, they are a rosy red
0:05:37 > 0:05:40# Her age is just sweet 17
0:05:40 > 0:05:42# When I throw my arms around her neck
0:05:42 > 0:05:45# And try to steal a kiss
0:05:45 > 0:05:47# Oh, she'll wriggle and giggle And twist and twiggle
0:05:47 > 0:05:51# And then you'll hear her shouting this
0:05:51 > 0:05:59# Will you stop yer tickling, Jock? Will you stop yer tickling, Jock?
0:05:59 > 0:06:03# Dinnae make me laugh so hearty Or you'll make me choke
0:06:03 > 0:06:08# Oh, I wish you'd stop yer nonsense Just look at all the folk
0:06:08 > 0:06:11# Will you stop yer tickling, tickle-ickle-ickling
0:06:11 > 0:06:14# Stop yer tickling, Jock? #
0:06:14 > 0:06:17Good evening, Macladies and Macgentlemen. Good evening.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19- Good evening! - Good evening to you, Mr Sachs.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22- Good evening to you, Mr Cryer. - A good Scots name, Sachs.
0:06:22 > 0:06:26LEONARD LAUGHS There's a lot of Sachs in Glasgow.
0:06:26 > 0:06:28If you know where to look for it. Now...
0:06:28 > 0:06:30I'm glad the moustache is coming along well, sir.
0:06:30 > 0:06:32You've kept up the payments.
0:06:32 > 0:06:36Mr Sachs told me he once stayed in a hotel in Glasgow,
0:06:36 > 0:06:38booked a tartan room
0:06:38 > 0:06:40and got both. This...
0:06:42 > 0:06:43APPLAUSE
0:06:47 > 0:06:50And that's true, as true as I'm strangling this ferret.
0:06:50 > 0:06:53And just behind me, ladies and gentlemen...
0:06:53 > 0:06:56Look at that back, ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bernard Herrmann!
0:06:56 > 0:06:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:58 > 0:07:00- Good evening! - Good evening!
0:07:00 > 0:07:04A legend in his own lunchtime, ladies and gentlemen.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07That is not a baton he's waving, it's a water divining rod.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10And he's on a lost cause with this lot, I can tell you.
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Oh, they like a dram.
0:07:12 > 0:07:15But I must admit, as an orchestra, you cannae hold a candle to them.
0:07:15 > 0:07:19You daren't, there'd be the hell of an explosion. Now...
0:07:19 > 0:07:22They are to music what Mick McManus is to needlework.
0:07:22 > 0:07:23Now, ladies and gentlemen...
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Never seen so many brown shoes in all my life. Ladies and gentlemen...
0:07:31 > 0:07:33And jockey shorts, but that's another story.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36Ladies and gentlemen...you may be wondering, "What is he wearing?"
0:07:36 > 0:07:40I hope you are, otherwise I haven't got an act. Now...
0:07:40 > 0:07:45on my head, or at least it was when I left the dressing room...
0:07:45 > 0:07:47is a tam o'shanter, ladies and gentlemen.
0:07:47 > 0:07:51This is an exact replica and very similar to the original,
0:07:51 > 0:07:55as invented by the well-known Highland poacher
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Tam MacSpreading, ladies and gentlemen.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00He invented... He used to poach anything, you know.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02He poached Scotch eggs, that fella!
0:08:02 > 0:08:04To this day, I can never see a Scotch egg without thinking,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06"Aren't some hens clever?"
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Not to mention bloody brave. But Tam...
0:08:11 > 0:08:15Tam - which, of course, as you know, is Scots for "Tom",
0:08:15 > 0:08:18as opposed to "credit", which is Scots for everything - Tam...
0:08:18 > 0:08:21invented this big hat, ladies and gentlemen,
0:08:21 > 0:08:25in which to conceal his ill-gotten gains.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28- Ooh!- Ooh, I do like saying that! Would you all like to say that?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- In which to conceal his... ALL:- Ill-gotten gains!
0:08:32 > 0:08:37After a hard day's tickling trout, or "troot"...
0:08:37 > 0:08:39There are two schools of thought,
0:08:39 > 0:08:40and I was thrown out of both of them.
0:08:40 > 0:08:43After a hard day's tickling trout, he would conceal his...
0:08:43 > 0:08:45Ill-gotten gains!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47..in this hat, ladies and gentlemen.
0:08:47 > 0:08:48But one day, somebody heard a trout
0:08:48 > 0:08:51laughing in here, and the game was up.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Yes, that was the day Tam was caught by the gillies. Now...
0:08:54 > 0:08:55we move down...
0:08:56 > 0:08:57We... HE LAUGHS
0:08:59 > 0:09:02"Gillies." Look it up. Here is the jacket.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07Here is the jacket, ladies and gentlemen, Auchtermuchty tweed.
0:09:07 > 0:09:10Any anglers in the audience will know how every angler longs
0:09:10 > 0:09:13for a jacket in which to go fishing. Am I right or am I not?
0:09:13 > 0:09:16- Yes!- A fishing jacket. Thank you, sir. A fishing jacket.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17And I did it the proper way.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20I went and had the fittings and everything, and here it is.
0:09:20 > 0:09:22I'll never forget the assistant's face when I said,
0:09:22 > 0:09:25"Of course, I shall be requiring my flies behind my lapel."
0:09:25 > 0:09:27But there we are. Now...
0:09:31 > 0:09:32Now...
0:09:35 > 0:09:39I don't know why I'm shouting, I've got the job. This is the...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41This is the kilt, ladies and gentlemen.
0:09:41 > 0:09:45Not a BBC tartan, as you may have thought. This is large checks.
0:09:45 > 0:09:46This is...
0:09:48 > 0:09:49APPLAUSE
0:09:54 > 0:09:58You've made my last appearance a very moving one. Now...
0:09:58 > 0:10:00HE LAUGHS This is worn...
0:10:00 > 0:10:03This is woven, I should say, by Jewish crofters...
0:10:05 > 0:10:07..the MacBurtons, in...
0:10:08 > 0:10:10in...in the "he-brides".
0:10:10 > 0:10:13"Oh-ho-ho-ho," you cry! "Ho-ho-ho!"
0:10:13 > 0:10:15And if you cry like that, you ought to see a doctor.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17"Oh-ho-ho-ho! It's pronounced 'hebb-rid-ees'."
0:10:17 > 0:10:19It is not, ladies and gentlemen, it is pronounced "he-brides".
0:10:19 > 0:10:23They have some very strange customs in these isolated communities.
0:10:23 > 0:10:25Hence the Gay Gordons. And now...
0:10:29 > 0:10:30APPLAUSE
0:10:30 > 0:10:32Before... Oh! God bless you.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34But enough of this.
0:10:34 > 0:10:36But enough of this, cos that's all there is of this.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38Ladies and gentlemen, I must tell you,
0:10:38 > 0:10:40I had a very tiring and long train journey here.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Tiring and long, but so it should be for the prices they charge.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46And, er, it was hell under the seat. Hell under the seat!
0:10:46 > 0:10:49So I came out and sat next to a very nice wee woman,
0:10:49 > 0:10:53a bonnie soul, and suddenly I noticed she was stroking my sporran.
0:10:53 > 0:10:57You know? Well... You don't like to rush these things! And, er...
0:10:57 > 0:10:59After a wee moment, I said, "Madam, that's my sporran."
0:10:59 > 0:11:01And she said, "Good heavens,
0:11:01 > 0:11:04"I've been feeding it biscuits for the last five minutes."
0:11:06 > 0:11:09Oh! It's nice to hear them again, isn't it? Nice to hear them.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11We Scots have got a sense of humour, haven't we?
0:11:11 > 0:11:13Well, we would have, it's a gift. Erm...
0:11:13 > 0:11:18Barney Colehan, Mr Colehan, our producer, ladies and gentlemen,
0:11:18 > 0:11:22whom God preserve - and I believe they have an arrangement -
0:11:23 > 0:11:26..said to me earlier today
0:11:26 > 0:11:28it would be fitting on this auspicious occasion
0:11:28 > 0:11:32for me to render, rather as one renders fat into a saucepan,
0:11:32 > 0:11:34a poem, ladies and gentlemen, for you.
0:11:34 > 0:11:37And as soon as Mr Colehan said that, my mind flew back to my
0:11:37 > 0:11:41childhood in the Trossachs, in our wee but and ben...
0:11:41 > 0:11:42# But and Ben, flowerp... #
0:11:42 > 0:11:44Oh, I digress, ladies and gentlemen.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47..with my mother, Doris, and my father, Duncan,
0:11:47 > 0:11:50who was the local GP, the doctor. He was only four foot ten.
0:11:50 > 0:11:52They were known in the neighbourhood as the wee doc and Doris.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54And, on, er...
0:11:54 > 0:11:58on...on a musical evening, we would gather round.
0:11:58 > 0:11:59We were never cold in the winter.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02My father used to suck a cough lozenge and breathe on us.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And I would...
0:12:05 > 0:12:07I would play on my mother's knee,
0:12:07 > 0:12:09as we couldnae afford a piano.
0:12:09 > 0:12:12And suddenly, at a moment, a crucial moment
0:12:12 > 0:12:15- I don't know why I'm doing this, my back's gone - but at a crucial
0:12:15 > 0:12:19moment, a crucial moment, my father would pick up his bagpipes
0:12:19 > 0:12:23and cry, "Doris, how about an old Scots lay?" Now...
0:12:24 > 0:12:29This was just after the takeaway haggis. You know what a haggis is.
0:12:29 > 0:12:31That's a thing that looks like a football
0:12:31 > 0:12:32but you don't kick it, you eat it.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36It's after you've eaten it you wish you'd kicked it. Anyway...
0:12:38 > 0:12:41And Doris would spring back, as well she might and used to,
0:12:41 > 0:12:45and she used to say, "What a good idea, Duncan,"
0:12:45 > 0:12:46having a way with the words,
0:12:46 > 0:12:50and she would launch herself into this quatrain by "Rabbi" Burns,
0:12:50 > 0:12:52ladies and gentlemen.
0:12:52 > 0:12:54Some...
0:12:54 > 0:12:57Oh, I thought somebody else had come on. Some...
0:12:57 > 0:13:00Some people can laugh at adversity
0:13:00 > 0:13:03Some at fear, some at danger, some doubt
0:13:03 > 0:13:05But the man who laughs the loudest of all
0:13:05 > 0:13:07Is a Scot with his kilt inside out.
0:13:10 > 0:13:11Thank you.
0:13:17 > 0:13:18Ladies and gentlemen, I'd love to stay,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20but I have another engagement in March,
0:13:20 > 0:13:24so I would like to close this heart-warming mood with those
0:13:24 > 0:13:31immortal words spoken by Miss Flora MacDonald to Bonnie Prince Charlie.
0:13:31 > 0:13:36# Will you stop yer tickling, Jock?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39# Stop yer tickling, Jock
0:13:39 > 0:13:43# Dinnae make me laugh so hearty Or you'll make me choke
0:13:43 > 0:13:49# Oh, I wish you'd stop yer nonsense Just look at all the folk
0:13:49 > 0:13:52# Will you stop yer tickling Tickle-ickle-ickling
0:13:52 > 0:13:54# Stop yer tickling, Jock?... # Repeat!
0:13:54 > 0:13:58# Will you stop yer tickling, Jock? Stop yer tickling, Jock!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02# Dinnae make me laugh so hearty Or you'll make me choke
0:14:02 > 0:14:06# Oh, I wish you'd stop yer nonsense Just look at all the folk
0:14:06 > 0:14:09# Will you stop yer tickling Tickle-ickle-ickling
0:14:09 > 0:14:11# Stop yer tickling, Jock? # Ach!
0:14:11 > 0:14:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:25 > 0:14:30Exotic Oriental esotericism...
0:14:30 > 0:14:32Ooh!
0:14:32 > 0:14:35..bedazzling, defying gravity
0:14:35 > 0:14:39in devastating diablerie...
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Mr Wong Mow Ting!
0:14:43 > 0:14:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:46 > 0:14:48MUSIC PLAYS
0:15:02 > 0:15:05HE SINGS IN OWN LANGUAGE
0:15:33 > 0:15:35APPLAUSE
0:15:47 > 0:15:49HE CONTINUES TO SING
0:16:05 > 0:16:07APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:45APPLAUSE
0:17:09 > 0:17:11HE SINGS
0:17:44 > 0:17:46APPLAUSE
0:18:27 > 0:18:29APPLAUSE
0:18:36 > 0:18:38HE SINGS
0:18:59 > 0:19:02APPLAUSE
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Ya!
0:19:11 > 0:19:14MUSIC CONTINUES
0:19:17 > 0:19:19HE SINGS ALONG OUT OF TUNE
0:19:24 > 0:19:26HE LAUGHS
0:20:06 > 0:20:09APPLAUSE
0:20:23 > 0:20:25Yay!
0:20:25 > 0:20:27APPLAUSE
0:20:34 > 0:20:35Finish!
0:20:35 > 0:20:38APPLAUSE
0:20:50 > 0:20:55There's a septuagenarian for you!
0:20:55 > 0:20:59- Ooh!- Phenomenally felicitous feminine fatuities...
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Ooh!
0:21:01 > 0:21:06You must all know from your own experience what "fatuousness" means.
0:21:06 > 0:21:08..inimitable...
0:21:08 > 0:21:12inimitable, idiosyncratic egocentricities.
0:21:12 > 0:21:17Who but Miss Sheila Steafel?
0:21:17 > 0:21:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:33 > 0:21:36# I'm awfully partial to music
0:21:36 > 0:21:38# So I bought a piano one day
0:21:38 > 0:21:42# And engaged a most noted professor
0:21:42 > 0:21:43# To teach me the right way...
0:21:44 > 0:21:48# ..to play
0:21:48 > 0:21:51# A guinea a week as a favour were his terms
0:21:51 > 0:21:54# So he said unto me
0:21:54 > 0:21:57# The first time he sat down to play, oh, my dears
0:21:57 > 0:22:01# Do you know, I could scarcely believe my own ears
0:22:01 > 0:22:05# For a genius he turned out to be
0:22:06 > 0:22:10# And, oh, the...
0:22:10 > 0:22:13# Twiddly bits he used to play When all alone with me
0:22:13 > 0:22:17# Popping around whenever he found The opportunity
0:22:17 > 0:22:20# And, oh, the...
0:22:20 > 0:22:23# Twiddly bits he used to play Nearly gave me fits!
0:22:23 > 0:22:25# My heart he won And the deed was done
0:22:25 > 0:22:27# With his dear little twiddly bits
0:22:34 > 0:22:37# He played all the airs from the classics
0:22:37 > 0:22:41# He'd got them all stuffed in his head
0:22:41 > 0:22:44# And he promised that Mozart would touch me
0:22:44 > 0:22:47# Which surprised me, I thought he was dead
0:22:52 > 0:22:57# But I liked him best at extempor'
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# The bits he put in on his own
0:23:02 > 0:23:06# He gave a new meaning to God Save The Queen
0:23:06 > 0:23:10# My dears, it was something that had to be seen
0:23:10 > 0:23:15# And what's more, he used one hand alone
0:23:16 > 0:23:19# And, oh...
0:23:19 > 0:23:23# The twiddly bits he used to play When all alone with me
0:23:23 > 0:23:26# Popping around whenever he found The opportunity
0:23:26 > 0:23:29# And, oh, the...
0:23:32 > 0:23:35# Twiddly bits he used to play Nearly gave me fits!
0:23:35 > 0:23:37# My heart he won And the deed was done
0:23:37 > 0:23:40# With his dear little... twiddly bits
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# He said that I didn't need practice
0:23:45 > 0:23:48# It would come to me one of these days
0:23:48 > 0:23:50# So I let him do all of the playing
0:23:50 > 0:23:53# Which quite thrilled me in various ways
0:23:58 > 0:24:01# One miserable day he stopped coming
0:24:01 > 0:24:05# But instead sent a bill of advice
0:24:05 > 0:24:09# He charged for the trills and the arpeggios
0:24:09 > 0:24:13# For this and for that and for these and for those
0:24:14 > 0:24:18# But, my dears, there are things
0:24:18 > 0:24:20# Beyond a price
0:24:21 > 0:24:22# Like...
0:24:25 > 0:24:27# ..the...
0:24:31 > 0:24:35# ..Twiddly bits he used to play When all alone with me
0:24:35 > 0:24:38# Popping around whenever he found The opportunity
0:24:38 > 0:24:40# And, oh, the...
0:24:42 > 0:24:45# ..Twiddly bits he used to play Nearly gave me fits!
0:24:45 > 0:24:47# My heart he won And the deed was done
0:24:47 > 0:24:51# With his dear little twiddly, twiddly-widdly, dear little tw...! #
0:24:51 > 0:24:52APPLAUSE
0:25:06 > 0:25:10Endearingly diminutive...
0:25:10 > 0:25:14all-embracing amiability incarnate...
0:25:14 > 0:25:16- Ooh! - ..your own, my own,
0:25:16 > 0:25:18everybody's own...
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Arthur Askey!
0:25:21 > 0:25:22APPLAUSE
0:25:26 > 0:25:28Hello!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34Thank you very much. That's very k-kind. Kind...
0:25:34 > 0:25:36Oh, yes, I forgot that.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38We always do that. Silly.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40Well, that's a bit dangerous down there,
0:25:40 > 0:25:41till they had that rail put up.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45A couple of years ago, Tessie O'Shea was on this show. Isn't that right?
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- Yeah!- And she fell in the orchestra pit.
0:25:47 > 0:25:49She did!
0:25:49 > 0:25:50We've got another pianist!
0:25:50 > 0:25:53ARTHUR LAUGHS True enough!
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Anyway, what I thought I'd do tonight, playmates,
0:25:56 > 0:25:57is tell you a few stories.
0:25:57 > 0:25:59I know all sorts of stories - English stories,
0:25:59 > 0:26:03Irish stories, Scots stories. Anyone here from Scotland?
0:26:03 > 0:26:05- A FEW PEOPLE:- Yes! - Can you hear me all right?
0:26:05 > 0:26:06Yes!
0:26:06 > 0:26:10This young couple, y'see, they were engaged, and they were on a
0:26:10 > 0:26:14motoring holiday up in Scotland, and one night they went a bit too far.
0:26:14 > 0:26:16In the car, I mean, y'know?
0:26:16 > 0:26:19And they pulled up at this little Scottish hotel, and the fella said,
0:26:19 > 0:26:23"Well, I've only got one room, but it's got a lovely big double bed."
0:26:23 > 0:26:25Well, the fella was a bit prissy, like we fellas are, y'know.
0:26:25 > 0:26:29He said, "Oh, I don't think..." She said, "Oh, it's all right.
0:26:29 > 0:26:32"We've been engaged for five years, we're getting married next year.
0:26:32 > 0:26:34"We can put the bolster down the middle of the bed
0:26:34 > 0:26:36"and everything will be right and proper."
0:26:36 > 0:26:39So they agreed to do that, and the following morning,
0:26:39 > 0:26:41they thought they'd go for a walk before breakfast.
0:26:41 > 0:26:44And it was very windy, and she had her headscarf on, y'see.
0:26:44 > 0:26:47And the wind got under the scarf and blew it over a high wall.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49So he said, "I'll get it for you, love."
0:26:49 > 0:26:51She said, "Don't bother, it's an old 'un."
0:26:51 > 0:26:53"No, no," he said, "I'll get it. I'll climb over the wall."
0:26:53 > 0:26:55She said, "You, climb over the wall?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58"You can't climb over a bleedin' bolster."
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Have they heard that before?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06Lovely! Thank you!
0:27:08 > 0:27:12I'm going to sing you now a song I sang in my first pantomime.
0:27:12 > 0:27:14Off you go, Bernard.
0:27:17 > 0:27:21# I got an invitation to the church last Sunday morn
0:27:21 > 0:27:26# The wedding that took place made me laugh all over me face
0:27:26 > 0:27:30# Charlie Brown was being spliced to Emily McClay
0:27:30 > 0:27:34# And, strange to say, most everyone there had a wooden leg
0:27:34 > 0:27:38# And Charlie Brown went up the aisle, bumpity-bump, bumpity-bump
0:27:38 > 0:27:43# The bride, she went in with a smile, bumpity-bump, bumpity-bump
0:27:43 > 0:27:46# The bridesmaid, Eva Dunne Had her doctor carry one
0:27:46 > 0:27:51# And the parson, strange to tell Had a bumpity-bump, as well!
0:27:51 > 0:27:55# The bride's papa walked up the aisle, bumpity-bump, bumpity-bump
0:27:55 > 0:27:59# And Ma came bumping in so verily
0:27:59 > 0:28:03# As they played The Wedding March They walked out as stiff as starch
0:28:03 > 0:28:07# With a bumpity-bump, the one-legged family
0:28:12 > 0:28:16# The bumpings on the church floor, you could hear them everywhere
0:28:16 > 0:28:20# Each bump was like the sound of a hammer upon the ground
0:28:20 > 0:28:24# And Mary-Ellen Jones said to her young man with a pout
0:28:24 > 0:28:29# I hope this place don't catch on fire with all this wood about
0:28:29 > 0:28:33# And Charlie Brown went up the aisle, bumpity-bump, bumpity-bump
0:28:33 > 0:28:36# The bride, she walked in with a smile, bumpity-bump...
0:28:36 > 0:28:37# ..bumpity-bump
0:28:37 > 0:28:41# The bridesmaid, Eva Dunne Had her doctor carry one
0:28:41 > 0:28:45# And the parson, strange to tell Had a bumpity-bump, as well
0:28:45 > 0:28:48# The bride's papa walked up the aisle...
0:28:48 > 0:28:50# ..bumpity-bump, bumpity-bump
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# And Ma came bumping in so verily
0:28:53 > 0:28:58# As they played The Wedding March They walked out as stiff as starch
0:28:58 > 0:29:01# With a bumpity-bump, the one-legged family
0:29:02 > 0:29:09# The one-legged family! #
0:29:09 > 0:29:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:11 > 0:29:13Thank you!
0:29:26 > 0:29:29- A deliquescent... - Ooh!
0:29:29 > 0:29:32- ..osculatory... - Ooh!
0:29:32 > 0:29:35- ..apostrophe... - Ooh!
0:29:35 > 0:29:39For the sergeant over there, "osculatory"...means kissing.
0:29:39 > 0:29:41Ooh!
0:29:41 > 0:29:44..from the ineffa... ineffable...
0:29:44 > 0:29:46LAUGHTER AND FRIENDLY JEERING
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Don't know me own limits.
0:29:48 > 0:29:53..an ineffable cerulean apparition...
0:29:53 > 0:29:55A vision in blue.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56..for your delight,
0:29:56 > 0:29:59Miss Moira Anderson!
0:29:59 > 0:30:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:10 > 0:30:15# In this year of 1792
0:30:15 > 0:30:20# Our conventions have been thrown all askew
0:30:20 > 0:30:24# And I know I'm out of date When I seek one mate
0:30:24 > 0:30:28# One faithful lover true
0:30:28 > 0:30:32# To be really in the fashion today
0:30:32 > 0:30:36# You must have a dozen beaux in your sway
0:30:36 > 0:30:42# But be fair and don't believe in the modern plan
0:30:42 > 0:30:49# I want to wait for just one man
0:30:49 > 0:30:58# One kiss, one man to save it for
0:30:58 > 0:31:05# One love for him alone
0:31:05 > 0:31:12# One word, one vow and nothing more
0:31:12 > 0:31:19# To tell him I'm his own
0:31:19 > 0:31:26# One magic night within his arms
0:31:26 > 0:31:33# With passion's flower unfurled
0:31:33 > 0:31:41# And I will try to love only one man
0:31:41 > 0:31:51# And no other man in the world
0:31:51 > 0:31:56# I've been reading stories
0:31:56 > 0:32:01# Of romantic glories
0:32:01 > 0:32:06# How am I to know
0:32:06 > 0:32:12# Where my love will go?
0:32:12 > 0:32:18# Soon my knight may find me
0:32:18 > 0:32:23# Softly steal behind me
0:32:23 > 0:32:28# Put me on a horse
0:32:28 > 0:32:35# And carry me away
0:32:35 > 0:32:40# Laugh all you like at me
0:32:40 > 0:32:47# I'll find my man, you'll see
0:32:47 > 0:32:55# One kiss, one man to save it for
0:32:55 > 0:33:02# One love for evermore
0:33:02 > 0:33:09# One word, one vow and nothing more
0:33:09 > 0:33:15# To tell him I'm his own
0:33:15 > 0:33:20# One magic night within his arms
0:33:20 > 0:33:27# With passion's flower unfurled
0:33:27 > 0:33:35# But I will try to love only one man
0:33:35 > 0:33:39# And no other man
0:33:39 > 0:33:43# In the...
0:33:43 > 0:33:49# World! #
0:33:49 > 0:33:50APPLAUSE
0:34:10 > 0:34:17# When the golden sun sinks in the hills
0:34:17 > 0:34:25# And the toil of a long day is o'er
0:34:25 > 0:34:29# Though the road may be long
0:34:29 > 0:34:32# In the lilt of a song
0:34:32 > 0:34:39# I forget I was weary before
0:34:39 > 0:34:46# Far ahead, where the blue shadows fall
0:34:46 > 0:34:52# I will come to contentment and rest
0:34:52 > 0:34:58# And the toils of the day
0:34:58 > 0:35:04# May be all charmed away
0:35:04 > 0:35:12# In my little grey home in the west
0:35:24 > 0:35:31# There are hands that will welcome me in
0:35:31 > 0:35:39# There are lips I am burning to kiss
0:35:39 > 0:35:43# There are two eyes that shine
0:35:43 > 0:35:47# Just because they are mine
0:35:47 > 0:35:55# And a thousand things others may miss
0:35:55 > 0:36:01# It's a corner of heaven itself
0:36:01 > 0:36:07# Though it's only a tumble-down nest
0:36:07 > 0:36:15# But with love brooding there
0:36:15 > 0:36:21# Why, no place can compare
0:36:21 > 0:36:26# With my little grey home
0:36:26 > 0:36:36# In the west! #
0:36:36 > 0:36:39APPLAUSE
0:36:56 > 0:37:00Stentorian celebrant...
0:37:00 > 0:37:05- of solitary celibacy... - Ooh!
0:37:05 > 0:37:09..magniloquent in a matrimonial miscellany,
0:37:09 > 0:37:11the one and only
0:37:11 > 0:37:14Mr Alfred Marks!
0:37:14 > 0:37:16APPLAUSE
0:37:18 > 0:37:23AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG WITH INTRODUCTORY MUSIC
0:37:23 > 0:37:26'Ello, guv'nor, how are ya? All right, guv'nor?
0:37:26 > 0:37:27How are ya?
0:37:30 > 0:37:34- 'Ello, guv'nor. Do you want to hear me tale of woe?- I'd love to.
0:37:34 > 0:37:37A bachelor gay am I
0:37:37 > 0:37:39I've been one all me life
0:37:39 > 0:37:41I've had a go at most things
0:37:41 > 0:37:44But I've never had a wife
0:37:44 > 0:37:46I've never known the joy of home
0:37:46 > 0:37:48A wife and a little kid
0:37:48 > 0:37:50I've had nothing to do with marriage
0:37:50 > 0:37:51None of my family did
0:37:55 > 0:37:57Me mother used to say to us
0:37:57 > 0:37:59All standing in a row
0:37:59 > 0:38:02"Let's talk about the facts of life"
0:38:02 > 0:38:05And we'd say, "What do you want to know?"
0:38:05 > 0:38:08I first fell in love when I was at school
0:38:08 > 0:38:11After working like a dog
0:38:11 > 0:38:14I managed at last to get the school cert
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Her name was Dorothy Hogg...
0:38:17 > 0:38:20Ooh, they're a filthy lot up there.
0:38:20 > 0:38:22I'm not talking to you.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25She'd long pigtails and freckles, too
0:38:25 > 0:38:27And wore thick woolly jumpers
0:38:27 > 0:38:29We both had braces on our teeth
0:38:29 > 0:38:32And when we kissed, we used to lock bumpers
0:38:36 > 0:38:39Then our paths soon parted
0:38:39 > 0:38:41She ran off with me best friend, Jim
0:38:41 > 0:38:44And I was broken-hearted
0:38:44 > 0:38:45I really did miss him
0:38:47 > 0:38:49Next was a barmaid called Lottie
0:38:49 > 0:38:52Now, she seemed just the right girl for me
0:38:52 > 0:38:54She was buxom and fair
0:38:54 > 0:38:56Her beauty was rare
0:38:56 > 0:38:58And her hangover something to see
0:38:59 > 0:39:01Another big girl called Doris
0:39:01 > 0:39:04All dressed up in jewels and in fur
0:39:04 > 0:39:06I mean, a really big girl
0:39:06 > 0:39:08She always seemed much nearer to you
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Than you ever did to her
0:39:12 > 0:39:15I loved her hard and I loved her long
0:39:15 > 0:39:17But true love can sometimes hurt
0:39:17 > 0:39:20She had something to knock your eye out
0:39:20 > 0:39:22Her husband, a wrestler called Bert
0:39:24 > 0:39:26So another chapter closed
0:39:26 > 0:39:29And it was all over between us
0:39:29 > 0:39:31And I went down with seen-us trouble...
0:39:31 > 0:39:35No, not sinus - her husband seen us. You see, they're too quick up there!
0:39:36 > 0:39:38Then I met a lovely girl
0:39:38 > 0:39:39Who loved me now and again
0:39:39 > 0:39:42Not now and again But now and again
0:39:42 > 0:39:45And again and again and...!
0:39:45 > 0:39:46She wore me out with her passion
0:39:46 > 0:39:49Her loving was rugged and rough
0:39:49 > 0:39:51And all I could say At the end of the day
0:39:51 > 0:39:54Was, "I'll be glad when I've had enough"
0:39:54 > 0:39:56So better than disillusioned
0:39:56 > 0:39:59And only fit for the clinic
0:39:59 > 0:40:01I finished as you see me now
0:40:01 > 0:40:03A real kitchen cynic...
0:40:03 > 0:40:04Now that's a clever line, isn't it?
0:40:04 > 0:40:06I thought I'd get away for a bit
0:40:06 > 0:40:08To the briny, bright and breezy
0:40:08 > 0:40:10I met a girl whose name was Flo
0:40:10 > 0:40:13But her friends all called her Easy
0:40:13 > 0:40:15Now, she WAS big, you couldn't deny
0:40:15 > 0:40:18Enormous, there's no doubt
0:40:18 > 0:40:20Every time she went on the beach
0:40:20 > 0:40:21The tide was forced to go out
0:40:22 > 0:40:25And then I met my Anna
0:40:25 > 0:40:28A vicar's daughter well disposed
0:40:28 > 0:40:30She had me to tea Went down on one knee
0:40:30 > 0:40:32And bloody well proposed!
0:40:32 > 0:40:34"My first flush of love," she said to me
0:40:34 > 0:40:36And started gaily humming
0:40:36 > 0:40:38I said, "If this is your first flush, dear
0:40:38 > 0:40:41"There's something wrong with your plumbing"
0:40:41 > 0:40:42Now, Anna carried the banner
0:40:42 > 0:40:45In a style beyond compare
0:40:45 > 0:40:47And as a result, she had a large naval...
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Officer, who followed her everywhere...
0:40:49 > 0:40:54You see, he's miles ahead of me. It's that lot up there, y'see?
0:40:54 > 0:40:56We finally went to the jeweller's shop
0:40:56 > 0:40:58To do the proper thing
0:40:58 > 0:41:00The assistant said, "Are you getting yours?"
0:41:00 > 0:41:03I said, "Yes, but now she wants a ring"
0:41:04 > 0:41:05"Let's get married without delay"
0:41:05 > 0:41:08I said, all passion spent
0:41:08 > 0:41:10"I can't get married just now, my love," she said
0:41:10 > 0:41:12"I can't get married, it's Lent..."
0:41:12 > 0:41:13What a funny answer.
0:41:13 > 0:41:16Anyway, thank Gawd she's got it back now.
0:41:16 > 0:41:18Anna, my darling, here she is.
0:41:18 > 0:41:19Hello, my lovely Anna.
0:41:19 > 0:41:21Oh, isn't she lovely? APPLAUSE
0:41:23 > 0:41:27- Oh, Anna!- What are you doing? You should be at home resting up.
0:41:27 > 0:41:29After all, tomorrow's our big day.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31- Love the titfer, darlin'. - Do you like it?
0:41:31 > 0:41:33- Oh, I love you, I love you. I worship you.- Do ya?
0:41:33 > 0:41:36- I really worship you. If you was in India, you'd be sacred.- Aww...
0:41:37 > 0:41:40Thank you very much! Don't be long. Come along.
0:41:40 > 0:41:44- I won't be late. I'm getting ready for tomorrow.- Ten o'clock tomorrow.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47Ain't she lovely? Eh? Gorgeous!
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Well, now, fixed a fateful day
0:41:50 > 0:41:53To sign up for wedded bliss
0:41:53 > 0:41:55There's only one thing left for me to do
0:41:55 > 0:41:56And that's go out with the boys on the...
0:41:56 > 0:41:57town.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00I'll see you later on. I'll see you, mate.
0:42:05 > 0:42:07# I must get married today
0:42:07 > 0:42:09# Or what will the neighbours say?
0:42:09 > 0:42:11# What's to become of the wedding spread
0:42:11 > 0:42:13# The easy chair and the feather bed?
0:42:13 > 0:42:15# Find me someone to marry or else
0:42:15 > 0:42:16# My poor little heart will break
0:42:16 > 0:42:18# Anything young in a skirt will do
0:42:18 > 0:42:20# It's a pity to waste the cake
0:42:20 > 0:42:22# Yes! Anything young in a skirt will do
0:42:22 > 0:42:24# It's a pity to waste the cake. #
0:42:24 > 0:42:26BAND PLAYS THE WEDDING MARCH
0:42:36 > 0:42:40# Why am I always a bridesmaid
0:42:40 > 0:42:44# Never the blushing bride?
0:42:44 > 0:42:48# Ding-dong, wedding bells
0:42:48 > 0:42:51# Always ring for other gals
0:42:51 > 0:42:56# But one fine day
0:42:56 > 0:42:59# Oh, let it be soon
0:42:59 > 0:43:03# I shall wake up in the morning
0:43:03 > 0:43:07# On my own honeymoon. #
0:43:09 > 0:43:13# Mary Ellen at the church turned up
0:43:13 > 0:43:16# Her mother turned up and her dad turned up
0:43:16 > 0:43:20# Her sister Gert and her rich uncle Bert
0:43:20 > 0:43:24# And the parson in his long white shirt turned up
0:43:24 > 0:43:27# But no bridegroom with the ring turned up
0:43:27 > 0:43:31# But a telegraph boy with his nose turned up
0:43:31 > 0:43:34# Brought a telegram that said he didn't want to wed
0:43:34 > 0:43:38# And they'd find him in the river with his toes turned up. #
0:43:47 > 0:43:50APPLAUSE
0:43:50 > 0:43:54# I'm getting married in the morning
0:43:54 > 0:43:58# Ding-dong, the bells are gonna shine
0:43:58 > 0:44:01# Pull out the stopper Let's have a whopper
0:44:01 > 0:44:05# But get me to the church on time
0:44:05 > 0:44:09# I've gotta be there in the morning
0:44:09 > 0:44:12# Spruced up and looking in me prime
0:44:12 > 0:44:15# Girls, come and kiss me
0:44:15 > 0:44:16# Show how you'll miss me
0:44:16 > 0:44:19# But get me to the church on time
0:44:19 > 0:44:23# If I am dancing, roll up the floor
0:44:23 > 0:44:25# If I am whistling...
0:44:25 > 0:44:28WHISTLE BLOWS # ..me through the door
0:44:28 > 0:44:30# I'm getting married in the morning
0:44:30 > 0:44:32# I'm getting married in the morning
0:44:32 > 0:44:34# Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime
0:44:34 > 0:44:35# Ding-dong, the bells will chime
0:44:35 > 0:44:39# Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass
0:44:39 > 0:44:42# And get me to the church on time
0:44:42 > 0:44:46# If I am dancing, roll up the floor
0:44:46 > 0:44:47# If I am whistling...
0:44:47 > 0:44:50WHISTLE BLOWS # ..me through the door
0:44:50 > 0:44:54# I'm getting married in the morning
0:44:54 > 0:44:57# Ding-dong, the bells are gonna chime
0:44:57 > 0:45:01# Kick up a rumpus But don't lose the compass
0:45:01 > 0:45:03# And get me to the church
0:45:03 > 0:45:05# Get me to the church
0:45:05 > 0:45:10# For Pete's sake, get me to the church
0:45:10 > 0:45:12# on...
0:45:12 > 0:45:15# time! #
0:45:15 > 0:45:19APPLAUSE
0:45:27 > 0:45:28And now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:45:28 > 0:45:32there's just time to ask Mr Alfred Marks to lead the company and
0:45:32 > 0:45:34yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,
0:45:34 > 0:45:36Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:45:36 > 0:45:39Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Alfred Marks, the entire company,
0:45:39 > 0:45:44Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and inestimable orchestra...
0:45:44 > 0:45:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:45:47 > 0:45:50..but this time, chiefly...
0:45:50 > 0:45:53- ALL:- Yourselves!
0:45:57 > 0:46:01ALL: # Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:46:01 > 0:46:03# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:46:03 > 0:46:05# Da-da da-da-da
0:46:05 > 0:46:08# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:46:08 > 0:46:10# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:46:12 > 0:46:16# Hear the little German band Da da-da da-da-da-da
0:46:16 > 0:46:19# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:46:19 > 0:46:23# Do, do, come and have a drink or two
0:46:23 > 0:46:26# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:46:26 > 0:46:28# Bush, Bush! #
0:46:28 > 0:46:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:46:35 > 0:46:39AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG WITH MUSIC