0:00:04 > 0:00:06BAND PLAYS WALTZ
0:00:08 > 0:00:12ALL: # I'll be your sweetheart
0:00:12 > 0:00:16# If you will be mine
0:00:16 > 0:00:20# All my life
0:00:20 > 0:00:25# I'll be your Valentine
0:00:25 > 0:00:29# Bluebells I've gathered
0:00:29 > 0:00:34# Take them and be true
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# When I'm a man, my plan
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# Will be to marry you
0:00:42 > 0:00:46# When I'm a man, my plan
0:00:46 > 0:00:52# Will be to marry you. #
0:00:56 > 0:00:59BAND PLAYS FANFARE
0:01:01 > 0:01:03CHEERING
0:01:10 > 0:01:12CHEERING
0:01:12 > 0:01:15Once again...
0:01:15 > 0:01:21good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:21 > 0:01:24- AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:01:24 > 0:01:28- Ecstatic in exemplary... - Ooh!
0:01:28 > 0:01:34..euphony, the Players Theatre plus - and it's a super plus -
0:01:34 > 0:01:36Miss Jan Hunt!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38APPLAUSE
0:01:48 > 0:01:50- BOYS:- # Take a pretty partner at the ball
0:01:50 > 0:01:52- GIRLS:- # Take your partner
0:01:52 > 0:01:53# Take a pretty partner at the ball
0:01:53 > 0:01:55# Take your partner
0:01:55 > 0:01:59ALL: # She who dances best of all She whose charms will never pall
0:01:59 > 0:02:01# As your own fair partner at the ball
0:02:02 > 0:02:04# Take a pretty partner at the ball
0:02:04 > 0:02:06# Take your partner
0:02:06 > 0:02:08# Take a pretty partner at the ball
0:02:08 > 0:02:10# Take your partner
0:02:10 > 0:02:13# She who dances best of all She whose charms will never pall
0:02:13 > 0:02:16# As your own fair partner at the ball. #
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# Let's all go into the ballroom
0:02:24 > 0:02:27# The ballroom beside the sea
0:02:27 > 0:02:31# Where the MC calls to the dancers
0:02:31 > 0:02:35# "Take your partners for the lancers"
0:02:35 > 0:02:39# Let's all go into the ballroom
0:02:39 > 0:02:42# And we'll have a rare old spree
0:02:42 > 0:02:44# Where the girls are found
0:02:44 > 0:02:46# Tripping it round and round
0:02:46 > 0:02:49# In the ballroom beside the sea
0:03:04 > 0:03:07# Let's all go into the ballroom
0:03:07 > 0:03:11# And we'll have a rare old spree
0:03:11 > 0:03:13# Where the girls are found
0:03:13 > 0:03:15# Tripping it round and round
0:03:15 > 0:03:18# In the ballroom In the ballroom
0:03:18 > 0:03:22# In the ballroom beside the sea. #
0:03:35 > 0:03:42# I am longing for someone to kiss me
0:03:42 > 0:03:49# And every day my longing's growing stronger
0:03:49 > 0:03:53HARSHLY: # If something doesn't happen soon
0:03:53 > 0:03:56# I don't know what I'll do!
0:03:56 > 0:04:05# Because I can't go on longing much longer. #
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Oh, I really would love somebody new to love me.
0:04:08 > 0:04:12But you know, I do have a beau. Oh, yes, he plays with the Philharmonic.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15He deals the cards in the interval.
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You see...
0:04:17 > 0:04:21# He's my musician
0:04:21 > 0:04:23# He only plays for me
0:04:23 > 0:04:26# He's my musician
0:04:26 > 0:04:30# I know he'll never be a star
0:04:31 > 0:04:33# He doesn't play the guitar
0:04:33 > 0:04:37# He's all fingers and thumbs When it comes
0:04:37 > 0:04:39# To piccolos and fifes and drums
0:04:39 > 0:04:42# The saxophone
0:04:42 > 0:04:44# He doesn't own
0:04:44 > 0:04:47# A xylophone
0:04:47 > 0:04:50# Or a slide trombone
0:04:50 > 0:04:53# He's got no feel For a glockenspiel
0:04:53 > 0:04:55# My ding-a-ling love
0:04:55 > 0:05:00# But he's wild when he does his thing
0:05:00 > 0:05:03# He plays the spoons
0:05:03 > 0:05:05# I said the spoons
0:05:05 > 0:05:07# Hee!
0:05:07 > 0:05:11# Polka and even ragtime tunes
0:05:11 > 0:05:12# He plays like this
0:05:13 > 0:05:15# And sometimes this
0:05:16 > 0:05:17# And even...
0:05:20 > 0:05:21# Whoo!
0:05:21 > 0:05:24# I'm screaming spoons
0:05:24 > 0:05:27# I play them, too
0:05:27 > 0:05:29# He taught me how
0:05:29 > 0:05:32# Now what do I do?
0:05:32 > 0:05:37# I tell ya, other girls sit down and plan a sunny honeymoon
0:05:37 > 0:05:42# I sit around with my man and play the spoons
0:05:42 > 0:05:44# Oh!
0:05:54 > 0:05:55# Wow!
0:06:02 > 0:06:05# Oh! No harpsichord
0:06:05 > 0:06:08# He can't afford
0:06:08 > 0:06:10# Beneath his chin
0:06:10 > 0:06:13# No violin
0:06:13 > 0:06:16# Oh, he's no good with the woodwind
0:06:16 > 0:06:19# And a trumpeter he's not
0:06:19 > 0:06:21# But he's mine
0:06:21 > 0:06:24# And he's all I've got!
0:06:24 > 0:06:26# Whoo!
0:06:26 > 0:06:27# No clarinet
0:06:33 > 0:06:35# Not even chopsticks yet!
0:06:35 > 0:06:39# Flutes, euphoniums and harps and oboes and bassoons
0:06:39 > 0:06:42# So tell me why
0:06:42 > 0:06:45# Oh, why do I
0:06:45 > 0:06:48# Why do I get the guy who plays the spoons?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50# Da-da li-da-da Oh, yeah! #
0:07:00 > 0:07:02# How'd you like to spoon... #
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Wow!
0:07:04 > 0:07:07# How'd you like to spoon with me?
0:07:08 > 0:07:12# Sit beneath an oak tree large and shady... #
0:07:12 > 0:07:15You know we've got to stop meeting like this, don't you?
0:07:15 > 0:07:20# Oh, how'd you like to hug and squeeze?
0:07:20 > 0:07:24# Dangle me upon your knees?
0:07:24 > 0:07:29# Oh, how'd you like to be my lovey-dovey?
0:07:29 > 0:07:33# How'd you like to spoon with me?
0:07:33 > 0:07:36# Oh, how'd you like to spoon with me?
0:07:36 > 0:07:37# Whoo!
0:07:37 > 0:07:41# How'd you like to spoon with me?
0:07:41 > 0:07:45# Sit beneath an oak tree large and shady
0:07:45 > 0:07:49# Calling me your tootsie-wootsie baby?
0:07:49 > 0:07:53# How'd you like to hug and squeeze?
0:07:53 > 0:07:57# Dangle me upon your knees?
0:07:57 > 0:08:01# How'd you like to be my lovey-dovey?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05# How'd you like to spoon with me?
0:08:05 > 0:08:09# How'd you like to be my lovey-dovey?
0:08:09 > 0:08:12# How'd you like to spoon
0:08:12 > 0:08:13# Underneath the moon?
0:08:13 > 0:08:18# How'd you like to spoon with me? #
0:08:18 > 0:08:19Oh!
0:08:24 > 0:08:26Whoo!
0:08:32 > 0:08:36An Emerald Isle emissary...
0:08:36 > 0:08:41eruptibly ebullient in hilariously
0:08:41 > 0:08:45uninhibited Hibernicisms...
0:08:45 > 0:08:47Ooh!
0:08:47 > 0:08:49Irish jokes!
0:08:49 > 0:08:52..Mr Pat Mooney!
0:08:52 > 0:08:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Hello, Leonard! Nice to see you.
0:09:00 > 0:09:03Oh, begorrah! Oh! That's great.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06Great to see yous. God, yous look lovely.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09You know I'm Irish, don't you?
0:09:09 > 0:09:10HE LAUGHS
0:09:12 > 0:09:14This Irish fella was lying in bed,
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and a plane crashed into his bedroom window.
0:09:17 > 0:09:18And he sat up in bed. He says,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21"Mother of God, I must've left the landing lights on."
0:09:24 > 0:09:26A RIPPLE OF APPLAUSE
0:09:28 > 0:09:31This Irish cruise ship was crossing the Atlantic,
0:09:31 > 0:09:33and the captain comes on the Tannoy.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36He says, "We've just crossed the Atlantic in four-and-a-half days."
0:09:36 > 0:09:39And Murphy the bosun said, "Is that a record?"
0:09:39 > 0:09:41The captain says, "No, it's me talking."
0:09:47 > 0:09:49It's not fair, all these jokes
0:09:49 > 0:09:52they tell about us poor Irish fellas, is it?
0:09:52 > 0:09:54Oh, these fellas over here in England telling me jokes,
0:09:54 > 0:09:56like "Did you hear about the Irish tug-of-war team?
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"Got disqualified for pushing." It's not right, is it? No.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03This Irish fella went to a building site for a job, and the
0:10:03 > 0:10:06foreman said to him, "You're a big, strong, strapping Irish fella.
0:10:06 > 0:10:09"You can start. You get paid a week on Friday."
0:10:09 > 0:10:12Murphy says, "Right, I'll start a week on Thursday."
0:10:14 > 0:10:15So he's...
0:10:16 > 0:10:19So he's starting a hole, taking all day long, and he's coming
0:10:19 > 0:10:22off the site and he sees this Scottish fella sitting on a tractor.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25And he walks over to him, he says, "Excuse me, I've been down that hole
0:10:25 > 0:10:27"digging all day, and there's you, fancy,
0:10:27 > 0:10:29"sitting on that fancy tractor all day doing
0:10:29 > 0:10:31"no work at all except driving
0:10:31 > 0:10:33"up and down enjoying yourself. How do you get away with it?"
0:10:33 > 0:10:36The Scottish fella says, "Well, we're very intelligent
0:10:36 > 0:10:37"and you Irish fellas are a wee bit thick.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39"And I'll try and explain it to you.
0:10:39 > 0:10:41"See, you ask me any question you like,
0:10:41 > 0:10:43"and if I can't answer it, I'll give you a fiver.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46"And if you can't answer it, you give me a pound. How's that?"
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Murphy says, "Right, I'll go first."
0:10:48 > 0:10:52He says, "What's got five heads, three legs, four tails,
0:10:52 > 0:10:54"swims underwater and sees in the dark?"
0:10:54 > 0:10:58Scottish fella says, "You've got me. There's a fiver. What's the answer?"
0:10:58 > 0:11:00Paddy says, "You've got me, as well. There's your pound."
0:11:00 > 0:11:03APPLAUSE
0:11:09 > 0:11:12HE LAUGHS
0:11:12 > 0:11:14Pat and Mick were walking down a back entry,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17and one of them took a lid off a dustbin and a cat jumped out.
0:11:17 > 0:11:19Pat said to Mick, "Jaysus,
0:11:19 > 0:11:21"fancy anyone throwing away a good cat like that."
0:11:23 > 0:11:24HE LAUGHS
0:11:24 > 0:11:27But you've been a great audience. I tell you what, if you let me know
0:11:27 > 0:11:30where you're working tomorrow, I'll come and laugh at you.
0:11:30 > 0:11:34I'd like to leave yous with a thought. And it's a nice thought.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Live every day as if it was your last.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38And one day you'll be right.
0:11:38 > 0:11:40Goodnight, God bless you. Thank you very much.
0:11:40 > 0:11:42APPLAUSE
0:11:46 > 0:11:48Goodnight!
0:11:55 > 0:12:00Inveigled from operatic ovations...
0:12:00 > 0:12:04- Ooh!- ..velutinous in vocalisation... - Ooh!
0:12:04 > 0:12:08..endearingly deliquescent, for your delight,
0:12:08 > 0:12:11Soo-Bee Lee!
0:12:11 > 0:12:13APPLAUSE
0:12:21 > 0:12:25# The sun, whose rays are all ablaze
0:12:25 > 0:12:30# With ever-living glory
0:12:30 > 0:12:33# Does not deny His Majesty
0:12:33 > 0:12:39# He scorns to tell a story
0:12:39 > 0:12:42# He don't exclaim, "I blush for shame"
0:12:42 > 0:12:49# So kindly be indulgent
0:12:49 > 0:12:52# But fierce and bold in fiery gold
0:12:52 > 0:12:58# He glories all effulgent
0:13:02 > 0:13:08# I mean to rule the earth
0:13:08 > 0:13:10# As he the sky
0:13:10 > 0:13:16# We really know our worth
0:13:16 > 0:13:21# The sun and I
0:13:21 > 0:13:24# I want to rule the earth
0:13:24 > 0:13:28# As he the sky
0:13:28 > 0:13:33# We really know our worth
0:13:33 > 0:13:42# The sun and I
0:13:48 > 0:13:52# Observe this flame, that placid dame
0:13:52 > 0:13:57# The moon's celestial highness
0:13:57 > 0:14:01# There's not a trace upon her face
0:14:01 > 0:14:06# Of diffidence or shyness
0:14:06 > 0:14:10# She borrows light that through the night
0:14:10 > 0:14:16# Mankind may all acclaim her
0:14:16 > 0:14:19# And, truth to tell, she lights up well
0:14:19 > 0:14:26# So I for one don't blame her
0:14:29 > 0:14:34# Ah, pray, make no mistake
0:14:34 > 0:14:38# We are not shy
0:14:38 > 0:14:44# We're very wide awake
0:14:44 > 0:14:49# The moon and I
0:14:49 > 0:14:53# Ah, pray, make no mistake
0:14:53 > 0:14:56# We are not shy
0:14:56 > 0:15:01# We're very wide awake
0:15:01 > 0:15:12# The moon and I. #
0:15:20 > 0:15:22APPLAUSE
0:15:36 > 0:15:44From the Netherlands, vertiginous in violinistic virtuosity...
0:15:44 > 0:15:48Mr Francis van Dyck!
0:15:48 > 0:15:50APPLAUSE
0:17:19 > 0:17:21APPLAUSE
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Whoo!
0:17:39 > 0:17:41HIGH NOTES SOUND LIKE BIRDSONG
0:18:39 > 0:18:41PLUCKED VIOLIN NOTE AND BAND FLOURISH
0:18:41 > 0:18:43BAND FLOURISH ONLY
0:19:04 > 0:19:06HIGH NOTES SOUND LIKE LAUGHTER
0:19:07 > 0:19:09LIKE BIRDSONG
0:19:32 > 0:19:34LIKE LAUGHTER
0:19:34 > 0:19:35LIKE LOUDER LAUGHTER
0:19:52 > 0:19:54BOW SCRATCHES AGAINST WOOD Ooh!
0:19:57 > 0:19:59A-one, two, three, four.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17CHEERING
0:20:34 > 0:20:41- From Germany, an esoteric extravaganza...- Ooh!
0:20:41 > 0:20:45- ..of equilibristic... - Ooh!
0:20:45 > 0:20:46- ..equipoise... - Ooh!
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Balancing.
0:20:50 > 0:20:52..Bartschelly!
0:20:52 > 0:20:54APPLAUSE
0:23:47 > 0:23:49APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:42APPLAUSE
0:24:51 > 0:24:54DRUM ROLL
0:25:16 > 0:25:18APPLAUSE
0:25:31 > 0:25:33DRUM ROLL CONTINUES
0:26:09 > 0:26:14Our cosmopolitanism incorporates
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- Caledonian canorousness... - Ooh!
0:26:18 > 0:26:20Scottish singing.
0:26:20 > 0:26:26- ..for your participatory reciprocity...- Ooh!
0:26:26 > 0:26:28..your own, your very own
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Mr Kenneth McKellar!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:43 > 0:26:50# My pretty Jane, my pretty Jane
0:26:50 > 0:26:56# Ah, never, never look so shy
0:26:56 > 0:27:03# But meet me, meet me in the evening
0:27:03 > 0:27:10# While the bloom is on the rye
0:27:10 > 0:27:18# The spring is waning fast, my love
0:27:18 > 0:27:27# The corn is in the ear
0:27:29 > 0:27:35# The summer nights are coming, love
0:27:35 > 0:27:42# The moon shines bright and clear
0:27:42 > 0:27:49# Then, pretty Jane, my dearest Jane
0:27:49 > 0:28:00# Ah, never look so shy
0:28:00 > 0:28:10# But meet me, meet me in the evening
0:28:10 > 0:28:19# While the bloom...
0:28:19 > 0:28:29# ..is on the rye. #
0:28:31 > 0:28:35Thank you! Thank you very much.
0:28:40 > 0:28:45# A far croonin' is pullin' me away
0:28:45 > 0:28:49# As take I wi' my cromach to the road
0:28:49 > 0:28:53# The far Cuillins are puttin' love on me
0:28:53 > 0:28:57# As step I wi' the sunlight for my load
0:28:57 > 0:29:03# Sure by Tummel and Loch Rannoch and Lochaber I will go
0:29:03 > 0:29:07# By heather tracks wi' heaven in their wile
0:29:07 > 0:29:11# If it's thinkin' in your inner heart the braggart's in my step
0:29:11 > 0:29:15# You've never smelt the tangle o' the Isle
0:29:15 > 0:29:20# The far Cuillins are puttin' love on me
0:29:20 > 0:29:26# As step I wi' my cromach to the Isle. #
0:29:28 > 0:29:32# Speed, bonnie boat, like a bird on the wing
0:29:32 > 0:29:37# "Onward!" the sailors cry
0:29:37 > 0:29:42# Carry the lad that's born to be King
0:29:42 > 0:29:46# Over the sea to Skye
0:29:46 > 0:29:51# Loud the winds howl, loud the waves roar
0:29:51 > 0:29:56# Thunderclaps rend the air
0:29:56 > 0:30:00# Baffled, our foes stand by the shore
0:30:00 > 0:30:04# Follow they will not dare
0:30:05 > 0:30:10# Speed, bonnie boat, like a bird on the wing
0:30:10 > 0:30:13# "Onward!" the sailors cry
0:30:15 > 0:30:19# Carry the lad that's born to be King
0:30:19 > 0:30:24# Over the sea to Skye. #
0:30:26 > 0:30:31# The northern lights of old Aberdeen
0:30:31 > 0:30:36# Mean home, sweet home to me
0:30:36 > 0:30:41# The northern lights of Aberdeen
0:30:41 > 0:30:46# Are all I long to see
0:30:46 > 0:30:50# I've been a wanderer all my life
0:30:50 > 0:30:56# And many a sight I've seen
0:30:56 > 0:31:00# Godspeed the day when I'm on my way
0:31:00 > 0:31:05# To my home in Aberdeen
0:31:05 > 0:31:11# Godpseed the day when I'm on my way
0:31:11 > 0:31:19# To my home in Aberdeen! #
0:31:21 > 0:31:26# For we're no' awa' tae bide awa'
0:31:26 > 0:31:31# For we're no' awa' tae le'e ye
0:31:31 > 0:31:36# We're no' awa' tae bide awa'
0:31:36 > 0:31:41# We'll aye come back an' see ye
0:31:41 > 0:31:46# For we're no' awa' tae bide awa'
0:31:46 > 0:31:51# We're no' awa' tae le'e ye
0:31:51 > 0:31:57# For we're no' awa' tae bide awa'
0:31:57 > 0:32:05# We'll aye come back an' see ye! #
0:32:07 > 0:32:09CHEERING
0:32:24 > 0:32:29- A filibustering fanfarony... - Ooh!
0:32:29 > 0:32:35- ..of frenetically far-fetched facetii...- Ooh!
0:32:35 > 0:32:37..the one and only...
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Mr Ken Dodd!
0:32:39 > 0:32:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:32:42 > 0:32:44Yeah!
0:32:49 > 0:32:53BAND INTRO DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:32:54 > 0:32:57I'll show you! Here we go!
0:33:03 > 0:33:04By Jove! There's more!
0:33:04 > 0:33:07Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to say how tickled I am, how...
0:33:07 > 0:33:10Oh, missus, how full of plumptiousness... Yes.
0:33:10 > 0:33:13They can't touch you for it, love.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Don't even wash your hands or cut your nails.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17Tonight... Where's Ablett? Ablett?
0:33:17 > 0:33:19This is my butler, ladies and gentlemen.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22There you are, Ablett, take it away. Take it to be soled and heeled.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Right... First of all, ladies and gentlemen,
0:33:24 > 0:33:28I'd like to say how tickled I am, missus, how discomknockerated to...
0:33:30 > 0:33:32..how...
0:33:32 > 0:33:35how completely goolified I feel standing here tonight. I...
0:33:36 > 0:33:39Well, no, you're allowed to say that, sir. Goolified.
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Oh, yes. If you're from Goole, that is, of course.
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Unfortunately, I'm not from Goole.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49I'm from Knutsford. Still, it's... How...
0:33:51 > 0:33:53And what an audience. By Jove, where else can you find
0:33:53 > 0:33:56an audience like this, except at Madame Tussauds?
0:33:58 > 0:34:03There's... Have a good look at yourselves.
0:34:03 > 0:34:04Looks like a pop-up history book.
0:34:09 > 0:34:11All of you dear ladies and gentlemen
0:34:11 > 0:34:13who have been to the nearly-new shop.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Cos when you come to the theatre, folks,
0:34:19 > 0:34:23you don't just watch the show, you're in it. This is show business.
0:34:23 > 0:34:26Ah, what a thrill! This business of spangles and tights...
0:34:27 > 0:34:30You sit in your dressing room with the door half-open, and going past
0:34:30 > 0:34:34the corridor you see a flash of pink thigh with some ostrich feathers.
0:34:34 > 0:34:37And that's only the firemen when they light the boiler.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42No, missus, you can't beat the theatre, can you, ladies?
0:34:42 > 0:34:45Ladies and gentlemen, you can't beat coming to live theatre, can you?
0:34:45 > 0:34:49- No!- Of course. It's always better in the flesh, isn't it, ladies?- Yes!
0:34:49 > 0:34:52Oh, every... Ooh, pleasures of the flesh!
0:34:52 > 0:34:55Ooh, pleasures of the flesh!
0:34:55 > 0:34:59- Let's hear you all say it. - Pleasures of the flesh!
0:35:02 > 0:35:04I always...
0:35:06 > 0:35:10Y'see, I always think I'm very fortunate with my looks, because...
0:35:11 > 0:35:13..I'm behind 'em.
0:35:15 > 0:35:16This...
0:35:18 > 0:35:23I've discovered that my brain is different than anybody else's.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27You see? I have a natural bent. And...
0:35:27 > 0:35:30Yes. I'm also a one-off. I've...
0:35:30 > 0:35:31I've seen the doctor,
0:35:31 > 0:35:33and he said there's nothing he can do about it, so...
0:35:35 > 0:35:37No, I am a mentalist.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40I've discovered I'm a mentalist and I can read your thoughts.
0:35:40 > 0:35:42And, yes, I am going off soon.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48Telepathy. Telepathy. What is your name, madam? What's your name?
0:35:48 > 0:35:50- Pardon? - Ivy.
0:35:50 > 0:35:52Correct. Now, this is...
0:35:52 > 0:35:54APPLAUSE
0:35:54 > 0:35:58I have got this wonderful scientific instrument which Ablett is going to
0:35:58 > 0:36:01show me here, ladies and gentlemen, and this evening I want to...
0:36:01 > 0:36:05You've probably never seen one of these. This is a new invention.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10This was invented by a man in America,
0:36:10 > 0:36:12a little baldy-headed fella called Kodak.
0:36:12 > 0:36:14And he has invented this...
0:36:16 > 0:36:18..machine for taking likenesses,
0:36:18 > 0:36:21for taking photographs, you see, ladies and gentlemen.
0:36:21 > 0:36:24As you'll see here, I have a collapsible tripod.
0:36:24 > 0:36:26It happens to...
0:36:29 > 0:36:32It's a common complaint amongst men of my age.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36This... This, you see...
0:36:36 > 0:36:39Could I have the...? I want you to watch the birdie here. Now... Right.
0:36:39 > 0:36:42Now...this...
0:36:49 > 0:36:51"Get out of it!"
0:36:53 > 0:36:55"Who's a pretty boy?"
0:36:56 > 0:36:58I want to take this commemorative picture,
0:36:58 > 0:37:01so if you just smile and show your teeth...
0:37:01 > 0:37:03If the people at the back would like to pass them
0:37:03 > 0:37:05down, I'll show them for you.
0:37:06 > 0:37:10Right, what else have we got here? Oh, the... Wait a minute, hang on.
0:37:10 > 0:37:12Right, give us the...
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Now, I shall have to go into this cloth for about ten seconds
0:37:14 > 0:37:16while I count ten.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18I'd like to go under there longer, but I'm afraid of the dark.
0:37:18 > 0:37:20Oh! Hang on a minute.
0:37:20 > 0:37:22Now, I do have a little hand-operated flash.
0:37:31 > 0:37:34What are you going to do with that? Oh, I see. Yes!
0:37:34 > 0:37:36Now, if you would, dear, I'd like you...
0:37:36 > 0:37:38Would you like to hold this for me, dear?
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Would you like to stand up, missus?
0:37:40 > 0:37:43Stand up and face the ladies and gentlemen and just hold that there.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45I promise you there's nothing to be afraid of.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47It's just like a small atomic bomb.
0:37:49 > 0:37:53- Are you all right?- Yeah.- Have you ever done anything like this before?
0:37:53 > 0:37:56Same here. Right. Now...
0:37:56 > 0:37:58This... Right. HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:37:58 > 0:38:00Yes. There we are.
0:38:00 > 0:38:03Now, wait a minute, we'll take a picture of the...
0:38:03 > 0:38:05Hold it right up there, because... Smile, ladies and gentlemen.
0:38:05 > 0:38:07That's it. HE BLOWS
0:38:13 > 0:38:16APPLAUSE
0:38:18 > 0:38:20Right!
0:38:20 > 0:38:21Was that it?
0:38:22 > 0:38:25Give it here. HE LAUGHS
0:38:25 > 0:38:27You're not used to giving a flash, are you?
0:38:27 > 0:38:31Right, now, can you say cheese, madam? Can you say cheese?
0:38:31 > 0:38:34Would you go to the pub next door and get me a sandwich, love?
0:38:38 > 0:38:40No, this evening's audience, ladies and gentlemen,
0:38:40 > 0:38:43I would like to say that tonight's audience, you...
0:38:44 > 0:38:47..you are just like a beautiful garden, all these beautiful ladies.
0:38:47 > 0:38:50- And tonight, after all, is romantic night. Isn't it, ladies?- Yes.
0:38:50 > 0:38:53All over Britain tonight, romantic, frisky girls just like you
0:38:53 > 0:38:55are sitting up in bed saying, "'Arry?"
0:38:55 > 0:38:57HE SNORES
0:38:57 > 0:38:59"'Arry!" HE SNORES
0:38:59 > 0:39:01"Oh, all right, then. Charlie?"
0:39:04 > 0:39:07Because...
0:39:07 > 0:39:09Because we have a...
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Because we have a floral audience
0:39:11 > 0:39:14tonight, ladies and gentlemen, what about a light baritone song?
0:39:14 > 0:39:16I am 11 stone two wringing wet.
0:39:16 > 0:39:19Sir Bernard, could we have The Floral Dance?
0:39:28 > 0:39:29LOUDLY: # Ohhh... #
0:39:29 > 0:39:31Ooh! Sorry!
0:39:31 > 0:39:34# As I walked home on a summer's night
0:39:35 > 0:39:38# When the stars in heaven were shining bright
0:39:39 > 0:39:41# Far away from the footlights' glare... #
0:39:41 > 0:39:43I'm dribbling, as well.
0:39:43 > 0:39:46# Into the sweet and scented air... #
0:39:46 > 0:39:47That's funny.
0:39:47 > 0:39:53# Of a quaint old Cornish town
0:39:55 > 0:39:58# Borne from afar on the gentle breeze
0:39:58 > 0:40:00# Soft as the murmur of summer seas
0:40:00 > 0:40:03# Distant tones of an old-world dance
0:40:03 > 0:40:06# Played by the gasworks band, perchance
0:40:06 > 0:40:09# On the calm air came float...
0:40:09 > 0:40:10# ..ing!
0:40:10 > 0:40:13# Down
0:40:14 > 0:40:16# I thought I could hear the spurious tone
0:40:16 > 0:40:19# Of a cornet, clarinet and big trombone
0:40:19 > 0:40:21# Fiddle, cello THREE CYMBAL CRASHES
0:40:21 > 0:40:23# Flute, bassoon and euphonium
0:40:23 > 0:40:25# Far away, as in a trance
0:40:25 > 0:40:27# I heard the sound of the floral dance. #
0:40:29 > 0:40:31# Tiddlywinks, old man Suck a lemon if you can
0:40:31 > 0:40:34# If you can't suck a lemon Suck an old tin can. #
0:40:34 > 0:40:36Come on now. Tha' knows.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39# And soon I heard such a bustling and prancing
0:40:39 > 0:40:41# And then I saw the whole village was dancing
0:40:41 > 0:40:43# H'in and h'out of the houses they came
0:40:43 > 0:40:46# Old folk, young folk, all the same
0:40:46 > 0:40:50# In that quaint old Cornish town
0:40:52 > 0:40:55# Every boy took a girl by the waist
0:40:55 > 0:40:57# And hurried her h'off in tremendous haste
0:40:57 > 0:41:00# Whether they knew one another I care not
0:41:00 > 0:41:02# Whether they cared for one another I knew not
0:41:02 > 0:41:08# But they kissed as they danced along
0:41:09 > 0:41:11# They danced to the band with the spurious tone
0:41:11 > 0:41:14# Of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone
0:41:14 > 0:41:16# Fiddle, fiddle THREE CYMBAL CRASHES
0:41:16 > 0:41:18# Flute, bassoon, euphonium
0:41:18 > 0:41:20# Each one making the most of his chance
0:41:20 > 0:41:22# All together in the floral dance. #
0:41:23 > 0:41:26# Auntie Mary had a canary... #
0:41:27 > 0:41:29Come on!
0:41:29 > 0:41:31# I felt so lonely standing there
0:41:31 > 0:41:34# And I could only stand and swear... #
0:41:34 > 0:41:35"Stare"! Sorry, sir.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38# For I had no friend with me
0:41:38 > 0:41:40# Lonely I would have to be
0:41:40 > 0:41:47# In that quaint old Cornish town
0:41:47 > 0:41:49# When suddenly, hurrying down the lane
0:41:49 > 0:41:51# A figure I knew I saw quite plain... #
0:41:51 > 0:41:53Twas Fanny from the fish shop!
0:41:53 > 0:41:56# With outstretched arms I rushed along
0:41:56 > 0:41:59# And carried her in to that merry throng... #
0:41:59 > 0:42:03Up and over, Fanny! Show 'em what you're made of! Hawey!
0:42:03 > 0:42:05# And I fiddled HE LAUGHS
0:42:05 > 0:42:11# When dancing along
0:42:11 > 0:42:13# We danced to the band with the spurious tone
0:42:13 > 0:42:15# Of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone
0:42:15 > 0:42:17# Fiddle, cello THREE CYMBAL CRASHES
0:42:17 > 0:42:19# Flute, bassoon, euphonium
0:42:19 > 0:42:21# Each one making the most of his chance
0:42:21 > 0:42:23# All together with the floral dance
0:42:25 > 0:42:27# Dancing here, dancing there
0:42:27 > 0:42:29# Jigging, jogging everywhere
0:42:29 > 0:42:32# Up and down around the town
0:42:32 > 0:42:41# All for the Cornish floral dance! #
0:42:41 > 0:42:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:05 > 0:43:12Our jubilee series concludes with, magnificent in monetary melodies...
0:43:12 > 0:43:13Ooh!
0:43:13 > 0:43:17..the Players Theatre!
0:43:17 > 0:43:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:24 > 0:43:27# We are the toast of merry Monaco
0:43:27 > 0:43:31# Known to all the visitors who go
0:43:31 > 0:43:34# To the old casino, a delight!
0:43:34 > 0:43:37# We enjoy our Pinot day and night
0:43:37 > 0:43:41# Gamblers from Chicago to Berlin
0:43:41 > 0:43:44# Chance their fortunes, hoping for a win
0:43:44 > 0:43:48# Hearts beat fast with every single bet
0:43:48 > 0:43:51# At chemin or at dice or at roulette
0:43:51 > 0:43:55# Jack, queen or king, the cards are so inviting
0:43:55 > 0:43:59# Gambling's the thing, we find it so exciting
0:43:59 > 0:44:02# Quaffing champagne, we put on such a show
0:44:02 > 0:44:06# We'll break the bank or lose our last franc before we go. #
0:44:17 > 0:44:20- BOYS:- # When a bad, bad boy like me
0:44:20 > 0:44:22# Meets a good, good girl like you
0:44:22 > 0:44:25- GIRLS:- # Well, the good little maid is a bit afraid
0:44:25 > 0:44:29# And wonders what on earth to do
0:44:29 > 0:44:31# If the bad, bad boy should speak
0:44:31 > 0:44:34# Will the good, good girl reply?
0:44:34 > 0:44:36# Well, it rather depends
0:44:36 > 0:44:38# If the good girl's friends
0:44:38 > 0:44:42# Are anywhere at all close by
0:44:46 > 0:44:51# Such a bad, bad boy
0:44:51 > 0:44:52# Such a good, good girl
0:44:52 > 0:44:55ALL: # Oh, they do make a curious pair
0:44:55 > 0:44:58# Though the good girl may Turn her head away
0:44:58 > 0:45:02# Still she knows that the bad boy's there
0:45:02 > 0:45:05# If the bad boy walks By her side and talks
0:45:05 > 0:45:08# Will she snub him, as a maiden should?
0:45:08 > 0:45:10# Well, I think he's a lad
0:45:10 > 0:45:14# Who is not so very bad
0:45:14 > 0:45:16# And I'm not a bit too good
0:45:18 > 0:45:21# No, we're not a bit too good! #
0:45:21 > 0:45:25# As I walk along the Bois de Boulogne
0:45:25 > 0:45:27# With an independent air
0:45:27 > 0:45:29# You can hear the girls declare
0:45:29 > 0:45:31# He must be a millionaire!
0:45:31 > 0:45:33# You can hear them sigh and wish to die
0:45:33 > 0:45:35# You can see them wink the other eye
0:45:35 > 0:45:38# At the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo
0:45:38 > 0:45:41# As I walk along the Bois de Boulogne
0:45:41 > 0:45:43# With an independent air
0:45:43 > 0:45:44# You can hear the girls declare
0:45:44 > 0:45:46# He must be a millionaire!
0:45:46 > 0:45:48# You can hear them sigh and wish to die
0:45:48 > 0:45:50# You can see them wink the other eye
0:45:50 > 0:45:54# At the man who broke the bank at Monte Carlo. #
0:45:54 > 0:45:55Head for the table!
0:45:58 > 0:46:01# Jack, queen or king, the cards are so inviting
0:46:01 > 0:46:04# Gambling's the thing, we find it so exciting
0:46:04 > 0:46:08# Quaffing champagne, we put on such a show
0:46:08 > 0:46:11# We'll win the bank or lose our last franc before we go
0:46:11 > 0:46:18# We'll break the bank or lose our last franc before we go! #
0:46:18 > 0:46:21- Yeah! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:46:29 > 0:46:32And now there's just time to ask Mr Ken Dodd to lead the company
0:46:32 > 0:46:35and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,
0:46:35 > 0:46:36Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:46:36 > 0:46:39Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ken Dodd, the entire company,
0:46:39 > 0:46:43Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...
0:46:43 > 0:46:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:46:45 > 0:46:48But this time, chiefly...
0:46:48 > 0:46:50Yourselves!
0:46:54 > 0:46:58# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:46:58 > 0:47:02# Down at the Old Bull and Bush Da-da da-da-da
0:47:02 > 0:47:05# Come, come, have some port wine with me
0:47:05 > 0:47:08# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:47:09 > 0:47:13# Hear the little German band Da da-da da-da-da-da
0:47:13 > 0:47:17# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:47:17 > 0:47:21# Do, do come and have a drink or two
0:47:21 > 0:47:24# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:47:24 > 0:47:25# Bush, Bush! #
0:47:25 > 0:47:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:47:32 > 0:47:35AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG WITH MUSIC