0:00:02 > 0:00:05ORCHESTRA TUNES ITS INSTRUMENTS
0:00:09 > 0:00:13ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO LET'S ALL GO TO THE MUSIC HALL
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# Let's all go to the music hall
0:00:17 > 0:00:20# Where the songs are gay and bright
0:00:20 > 0:00:24# Let's all go to the music hall
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Where the stars are twinkling half the night
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Whether you sit in the gallery, the circle or the pit
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# Or whether you sit in the red plush stalls
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# When the busy day is done and you want to have some fun
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# Let's all go to the music hall. #
0:00:42 > 0:00:45APPLAUSE
0:00:45 > 0:00:48ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO DOWN AT THE FARMYARD GATE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56# Johnny Green once used to wait for his girl
0:00:56 > 0:00:58# Down at the farmyard gate
0:00:58 > 0:01:00# With his whiskers trimmed and a nice little curl
0:01:00 > 0:01:02# Down at the farmyard gate
0:01:02 > 0:01:05# They would sit there for hours and they'd whisper low
0:01:05 > 0:01:07# Then her dad would come out and he'd laugh, ho-ho
0:01:07 > 0:01:09# Then Johnny had to sit on the old man's toe
0:01:09 > 0:01:11# Down at the farmyard gate
0:01:11 > 0:01:13# Oh, that farmyard gate
0:01:13 > 0:01:15# Johnny was there, early and late
0:01:15 > 0:01:18# Whistling and singing, "Are you coming out, Kate?"
0:01:18 > 0:01:20# Down at the farmyard gate
0:01:20 > 0:01:22# Oh, that farmyard gate
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# Johnny was there, early and late
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# Whistling and singing, "Are you coming out, Kate?"
0:01:26 > 0:01:28# Down at the farmyard gate. #
0:01:28 > 0:01:30# There's a poor old cock bird sitting on his perch
0:01:30 > 0:01:33- # All alone- All alone - All alone- All alone
0:01:33 > 0:01:35# Cos his old hen's gone and left him in the lurch
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- # All alone- All alone - On his own- On his own
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# There'll be no cack-cackle in the morning
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# Nobody to tell his songs to
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# Poor old cock, left him on his own
0:01:43 > 0:01:45# And then there was a cock-a-doodle-doo
0:01:45 > 0:01:48# Cock-a-doodle-doo Cock-a-doodle-doo
0:01:48 > 0:01:50# Cock-a-doodle-doodle-doodle-doo. #
0:01:55 > 0:01:59# You are my cowslip
0:01:59 > 0:02:02# I am the cow
0:02:02 > 0:02:06# Will you be mine for life?
0:02:06 > 0:02:10# I love you better than my wife
0:02:10 > 0:02:14# So, if you will have me
0:02:14 > 0:02:18# Just tell me now
0:02:18 > 0:02:21# You are my cowslip
0:02:21 > 0:02:24# I am your cow. #
0:02:26 > 0:02:29# In the shade of the old apple tree
0:02:29 > 0:02:33# When the love in your eyes I could see
0:02:33 > 0:02:36# When the voice that I heard
0:02:36 > 0:02:38# Like a song of a bird
0:02:38 > 0:02:42# Seemed to whisper sweet music to me
0:02:42 > 0:02:47# I could hear the dull buzz of the bee
0:02:47 > 0:02:51# In the blossoms, as you said to me
0:02:51 > 0:02:53# With a heart that is true
0:02:53 > 0:02:57# I'll be waiting for you
0:02:57 > 0:03:01# In the shade of the old apple tree. #
0:03:03 > 0:03:05# How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm
0:03:05 > 0:03:09# After they've seen Paris?
0:03:09 > 0:03:12# How ya gonna keep 'em from Piccadilly?
0:03:12 > 0:03:16# Jazzin' around, paintin' the town
0:03:16 > 0:03:19# How ya gonna keep 'em away from harm?
0:03:19 > 0:03:22# That's the mystery
0:03:22 > 0:03:26# They'll never want to see a rake or plough
0:03:26 > 0:03:29# And who the deuce can parlez-vous a cow?
0:03:29 > 0:03:32# How ya gonna keep 'em down on the farm
0:03:32 > 0:03:36# After they've seen Paris
0:03:36 > 0:03:42# After they've seen Paris? #
0:03:43 > 0:03:47APPLAUSE
0:03:52 > 0:03:55ORCHESTRA PLAYS
0:03:58 > 0:04:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:06 > 0:04:09CHEERING
0:04:09 > 0:04:12Once again,
0:04:12 > 0:04:17good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:04:17 > 0:04:19- AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:04:19 > 0:04:21Lovely,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23reiteratively...
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- ..eulogising inaugurally... - AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31..a nautical extravaganza
0:04:31 > 0:04:36from Messrs Ray and Tudor Davies!
0:04:36 > 0:04:39CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:41 > 0:04:45ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE SAILOR'S HORNPIPE
0:04:58 > 0:05:00# Listen to the breezes in the treeses
0:05:00 > 0:05:02# Hearken to the grass upon the lawn
0:05:02 > 0:05:05# Listen to the mices in the pantry
0:05:05 > 0:05:07# Hearken to the breaking of the dawn
0:05:07 > 0:05:09- # Ha-ha- Heaven's above
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- # Ha-ha- I'm in love
0:05:12 > 0:05:17# Hearken to the breaking of the dawn. #
0:05:17 > 0:05:20# There's a lake in the park
0:05:20 > 0:05:22# There's a house by the lake
0:05:22 > 0:05:24# There's a girl in the house in the park by the lake
0:05:24 > 0:05:27# And the girl in the house by the lake in the park
0:05:27 > 0:05:29# Is the girl in the little green hat
0:05:29 > 0:05:32# And tonight after eight That's when I've got a date
0:05:32 > 0:05:35# When the moon's riding high and the stars light the sky
0:05:35 > 0:05:37# With the girl in the house by the lake in the park
0:05:37 > 0:05:40# The girl in the little green hat
0:05:40 > 0:05:42# There's no water in the lake, nor a roof upon the house
0:05:42 > 0:05:45# No trees in the park at all
0:05:45 > 0:05:47# But she'll wait beside the lake I'll be welcome at the house
0:05:47 > 0:05:50# I'll meet her by the garden wall
0:05:50 > 0:05:53# There's a ship on the lake There's a sailor on the shore
0:05:53 > 0:05:55# There's a girl in his arms She's the girl I adore
0:05:55 > 0:05:58# So goodbye to the house by the lake in the park
0:05:58 > 0:06:00# And the girl in the little green hat. #
0:06:00 > 0:06:04ORCHESTRA PLAYS RULE BRITANNIA
0:06:10 > 0:06:13# There's a storm on the lake There's a ship in the storm
0:06:13 > 0:06:15# There's a girl on the ship in the storm on the lake
0:06:15 > 0:06:18# And the girl on the lake on the ship in the storm
0:06:18 > 0:06:20# Is the girl in the little green hat
0:06:20 > 0:06:23# As the ship starts to dip She is losing her grip
0:06:23 > 0:06:25# Every dip makes a tip Not the girl, but the ship
0:06:25 > 0:06:28# But the girl on the ship has the pip from the trip
0:06:28 > 0:06:31# The girl in the little green hat
0:06:31 > 0:06:33# She's been sailing quite enough She's been clinging to the rails
0:06:33 > 0:06:36# She's dying to be home once more
0:06:36 > 0:06:38# But the lake is rather rough and the girl is rather pale
0:06:38 > 0:06:41# She's glad to get her feet on the shore
0:06:41 > 0:06:43# Oh, she gave up the ship and the captain and his men
0:06:43 > 0:06:46# Bought a round-ticket trip to my arms once again
0:06:46 > 0:06:48# Now I'm back in the house by the lake in the park
0:06:48 > 0:06:51# And the girl in the little green hat
0:06:51 > 0:06:54ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE SAILOR'S HORNPIPE
0:06:54 > 0:06:55Whoa! Yeah!
0:07:09 > 0:07:11Ho! Ha!
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Ha! Ha!
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Ha!
0:07:14 > 0:07:16# Oh, she gave up the ship and the captain and his men
0:07:16 > 0:07:18# Bought a round-ticket trip to my arms once again
0:07:18 > 0:07:20# Now I'm back at the house by the lake in the park
0:07:20 > 0:07:22# And the girl in the little green hat
0:07:22 > 0:07:24# I say, old bean, have you ever seen the Queen?
0:07:24 > 0:07:27# Have you ever seen a duck with his beak all green?
0:07:27 > 0:07:29# If the gates of old Gibraltar took a flying leap at Malta
0:07:29 > 0:07:31# Have you ever caught a tumble in a corned beef can? #
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Whay-wa!
0:07:35 > 0:07:36Hey!
0:07:39 > 0:07:41# Girl in the little green Girl in the little green
0:07:41 > 0:07:44# Girl in the little green
0:07:44 > 0:07:45# Hat
0:07:45 > 0:07:48# Whoo
0:07:48 > 0:07:49# Hat
0:07:49 > 0:07:52- # Girl in the little green hat - Hey! #
0:07:52 > 0:07:56CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:56 > 0:07:59ORCHESTRA PLAYS THE SAILOR'S HORNPIPE
0:08:08 > 0:08:11Provocative, impalpable,
0:08:11 > 0:08:16- pulchritudinously...- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:08:16 > 0:08:20.. for your ocular and oral gratification,
0:08:20 > 0:08:26welcome to Miss Barbara Law!
0:08:26 > 0:08:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:38 > 0:08:42# I used to dream that I would discover
0:08:42 > 0:08:46# The perfect lover some day
0:08:46 > 0:08:50# I knew I'd recognize him
0:08:50 > 0:08:55# Whenever he came round my way
0:08:56 > 0:08:59# I always used to fancy then
0:08:59 > 0:09:03# He'd be one of those god-like kind of men
0:09:04 > 0:09:10# With a giant brain and a noble head
0:09:10 > 0:09:14# Like the heroes bold
0:09:14 > 0:09:19# In the books I've read
0:09:19 > 0:09:25# But along came Bill
0:09:25 > 0:09:28# Who's not the type at all
0:09:28 > 0:09:31# You'd meet him on the street
0:09:31 > 0:09:34# And never notice him
0:09:34 > 0:09:38# His form and face
0:09:38 > 0:09:41# And his manly grace
0:09:41 > 0:09:45# Is not the kind
0:09:45 > 0:09:49# That you would find in a statue
0:09:50 > 0:09:56# And I can't explain
0:09:56 > 0:09:59# It's surely not his brain
0:09:59 > 0:10:04# That makes me thrill
0:10:06 > 0:10:08# I love him
0:10:08 > 0:10:13# Because he's wonderful
0:10:13 > 0:10:20# Because he's just my Bill
0:10:20 > 0:10:24# I can't explain
0:10:24 > 0:10:28# It's surely not his brain
0:10:28 > 0:10:34# Oh, that makes me thrill
0:10:34 > 0:10:37# I love him
0:10:37 > 0:10:41# Because he's
0:10:41 > 0:10:44# I don't know
0:10:44 > 0:10:49# Because he's just
0:10:49 > 0:10:53# My
0:10:53 > 0:11:01# Bill. #
0:11:01 > 0:11:05APPLAUSE
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Thank you! Hey!
0:11:11 > 0:11:15# We were sailing along
0:11:15 > 0:11:18- WITH AUDIENCE:- # On Moonlight Bay
0:11:18 > 0:11:22# You could hear the voices singing
0:11:22 > 0:11:25# They seemed to say
0:11:25 > 0:11:29# "You have stolen her heart
0:11:29 > 0:11:33# "So don't go away"
0:11:33 > 0:11:37# Oh, as we sang love's old sweet song
0:11:37 > 0:11:41# On Moonlight Bay. #
0:11:42 > 0:11:46- WITH AUDIENCE:- # Oh, Daisy, Daisy
0:11:46 > 0:11:50# Just give me your answer, do
0:11:50 > 0:11:55# And I'm half crazy
0:11:55 > 0:11:59# All for the love of you
0:11:59 > 0:12:03# It won't be a stylish marriage
0:12:03 > 0:12:07# And I can't afford a carriage
0:12:07 > 0:12:09# But you'll look sweet
0:12:09 > 0:12:12# Upon a seat
0:12:12 > 0:12:16# Of a bicycle made for two. #
0:12:16 > 0:12:20# Take me out to the ballgame
0:12:20 > 0:12:24# Take me out to the park
0:12:24 > 0:12:29# Oh, buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks
0:12:29 > 0:12:32# And I don't care if I never get back
0:12:32 > 0:12:36# And it's root, root, root for the home team
0:12:36 > 0:12:40# If they don't win it's a shame
0:12:40 > 0:12:43# And it's one, two
0:12:43 > 0:12:45# Three strikes, they're out
0:12:45 > 0:12:49# At the old ballgame. #
0:12:49 > 0:12:51# When you wore a tulip
0:12:51 > 0:12:53# A sweet, yellow tulip
0:12:53 > 0:12:58# And I wore a big red rose
0:12:58 > 0:13:00# When you caressed me
0:13:00 > 0:13:02# Was then heaven blessed me
0:13:02 > 0:13:06# What a blessing, no-one knows
0:13:06 > 0:13:09# Oh, you made life cheery
0:13:09 > 0:13:11# When you called me dearie
0:13:11 > 0:13:14# Was down where the green grass grows
0:13:14 > 0:13:17# Your lips were sweeter than julep
0:13:17 > 0:13:19# When you wore a tulip
0:13:19 > 0:13:23# And I wore a big red rose. #
0:13:23 > 0:13:26# Put on your old grey bonnet
0:13:26 > 0:13:28# With the blue ribbon on it
0:13:28 > 0:13:32# And we'll hitch old Dobbin to the shay
0:13:32 > 0:13:34# And through the fields of clover
0:13:34 > 0:13:36# We'll ride up to Dover
0:13:36 > 0:13:40- # On our golden wedding day - Oh, let's go!
0:13:40 > 0:13:43# Put on your old grey bonnet
0:13:43 > 0:13:45# With the blue ribbon on it
0:13:45 > 0:13:49# And we'll hitch old Dobbin to the shay
0:13:49 > 0:13:54# And through the fields of clover
0:13:54 > 0:13:58# We'll ride up to Dover
0:13:58 > 0:14:02# On our golden
0:14:02 > 0:14:07# Wedding
0:14:07 > 0:14:14# Day. #
0:14:14 > 0:14:18APPLAUSE
0:14:18 > 0:14:23ORCHESTRA PLAYS PUT ON YOUR OLD GREY BONNET
0:14:31 > 0:14:33APPLAUSE
0:14:36 > 0:14:40- Phenomenal effronteries... - AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:14:40 > 0:14:44..of flamboyant funambulism!
0:14:44 > 0:14:46- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:14:46 > 0:14:48- Wire-walking.- Oh!
0:14:48 > 0:14:52From Germany, Les Thuranos!
0:14:52 > 0:14:55APPLAUSE
0:14:55 > 0:14:59ORCHESTRA PLAYS
0:15:22 > 0:15:25ORCHESTRA PLAYS
0:15:29 > 0:15:32APPLAUSE
0:15:39 > 0:15:43APPLAUSE
0:15:46 > 0:15:49ORCHESTRA PLAYS
0:15:58 > 0:16:00HE TAPS CLOGS IN TIME TO MUSIC
0:16:25 > 0:16:26HE WHISTLES
0:16:36 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:48 > 0:16:51DRUMROLL
0:16:55 > 0:16:56Hey!
0:16:56 > 0:16:58DRUMROLL CONTINUES
0:16:58 > 0:17:01ORCHESTRA STARTS PLAYING AGAIN
0:17:01 > 0:17:04APPLAUSE
0:17:12 > 0:17:15APPLAUSE
0:17:15 > 0:17:18ORCHESTRA PLAYS
0:17:30 > 0:17:33APPLAUSE
0:17:33 > 0:17:37DRUMROLL
0:17:45 > 0:17:48DRUMROLL CONTINUES
0:17:52 > 0:17:55ORCHESTRA STARTS PLAYING AGAIN
0:17:55 > 0:17:57APPLAUSE
0:18:07 > 0:18:10APPLAUSE
0:18:13 > 0:18:16ORCHESTRA PLAYS
0:18:23 > 0:18:26LAUGHTER
0:18:26 > 0:18:28I'm sorry.
0:18:28 > 0:18:31- That's my fault.- I know, it's OK.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Come on. LAUGHTER
0:18:35 > 0:18:38No, no, what are you doing? Don't go up there.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:44Are you ready?
0:18:44 > 0:18:46Maestro, please.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50ORCHESTRA PLAYS
0:19:30 > 0:19:32APPLAUSE
0:20:20 > 0:20:24APPLAUSE
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- And now.- Argh!
0:20:48 > 0:20:51APPLAUSE
0:20:59 > 0:21:01Hey!
0:21:06 > 0:21:09APPLAUSE
0:21:14 > 0:21:17APPLAUSE
0:21:34 > 0:21:39- Assiduously adumbrating... - AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:21:39 > 0:21:42..a synchronised saltatorial...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46..synthesis...
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Yay!
0:21:48 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:54Two dancing as one!
0:21:54 > 0:21:59Messrs Ray and Tudor Davies!
0:21:59 > 0:22:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:10 > 0:22:13# Shades of night are falling and I'm lonely
0:22:13 > 0:22:17# Standing on the corner feeling blue
0:22:17 > 0:22:20# Sweethearts out for fun
0:22:20 > 0:22:22# Pass me one by one
0:22:22 > 0:22:27# Guess I'll wind up like I always do
0:22:27 > 0:22:32# With only
0:22:40 > 0:22:43- # Me- Me- And- And- My- My
0:22:43 > 0:22:46# Shadow
0:22:47 > 0:22:51# Strolling down the avenue
0:22:54 > 0:22:58- # Me- Me- And- And- My- My
0:22:58 > 0:23:01# Shadow
0:23:01 > 0:23:05# Not a soul to tell our troubles to
0:23:05 > 0:23:07# We stick together like glue
0:23:07 > 0:23:10# And when it's 12 o'clock... #
0:23:10 > 0:23:13Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight
0:23:13 > 0:23:15Nine, ten, eleven, twelve.
0:23:16 > 0:23:18# We climb the stairs
0:23:20 > 0:23:22# We never knock
0:23:24 > 0:23:26# Cos, argh, nobody's there
0:23:28 > 0:23:29# Me
0:23:29 > 0:23:34# And my shadow
0:23:34 > 0:23:39# All alone and feeling
0:24:26 > 0:24:33# Me and my shadow
0:24:33 > 0:24:36# All alone and feeling...
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- I knew a woman once who had five legs.- Oh, really?
0:24:39 > 0:24:42Her knickers fitted her like a glove.
0:24:42 > 0:24:44LAUGHTER
0:24:44 > 0:24:47# All alone and feeling... #
0:24:47 > 0:24:50- I'm getting married in the morning. - Oh, really?
0:24:50 > 0:24:52- No, O'Reilly. Her father was Irish. - Oh, blimey.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:25:02# All alone and feeling blue
0:25:02 > 0:25:07# All alone and feeling
0:25:07 > 0:25:11# Blue. #
0:25:15 > 0:25:19APPLAUSE
0:25:28 > 0:25:31APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Temperamentally intransigent,
0:25:37 > 0:25:41entranced from the torrid zones,
0:25:41 > 0:25:44for the very first time on this programme,
0:25:44 > 0:25:48Mr Lennie Bennet and Mr Jerry Stevens.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50APPLAUSE
0:25:50 > 0:25:54ORCHESTRA PLAYS LA MARSEILLAISE
0:26:04 > 0:26:08ORCHESTRA CONTINUES TO PLAY LA MARSEILLAISE
0:26:25 > 0:26:28APPLAUSE
0:26:28 > 0:26:31ORCHESTRA PLAYS LA MARSEILLAISE
0:26:36 > 0:26:40Thank you, thank you, thank you and good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:26:40 > 0:26:43And now, we should like to do a little recitation
0:26:43 > 0:26:47entitled Almost A Legionnaire. Thank you.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50It's a hell of a life in the Legion.
0:26:50 > 0:26:52The sergeant was cruel, he was brutal.
0:26:52 > 0:26:55He made us dig holes with a Turk and two Poles...
0:26:56 > 0:26:58..who were banned from a dosshouse in Bootle.
0:26:58 > 0:27:00LAUGHTER
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Stationed way out in the desert,
0:27:02 > 0:27:04was nothing but sorrow and fuss.
0:27:04 > 0:27:06I'd spend half the night 'neath the pale moonlight
0:27:06 > 0:27:08shaking the sand from my truss.
0:27:08 > 0:27:11Thank you. Thank you. LAUGHTER
0:27:14 > 0:27:16The blacksmith went crazy with sunstroke
0:27:16 > 0:27:18and guess what he did for a wager.
0:27:18 > 0:27:21With the aid of two bellows, him and two fellows
0:27:21 > 0:27:23put the wind up the sergeant major.
0:27:23 > 0:27:26- Thank you. - LAUGHTER
0:27:26 > 0:27:29While marching, we once ate a camel.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31And it made us all queer.
0:27:33 > 0:27:35A trooper from Widnes nearly choked on the kidneys
0:27:35 > 0:27:37and the sergeant brought up the rear.
0:27:37 > 0:27:40LAUGHTER
0:27:42 > 0:27:44Now, sheep's eyes were the great titbit.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46They were wholesome and they were cheap.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48But it did you no good, cos while eating your pud,
0:27:48 > 0:27:51you were trampled by flocks of blind sheep. Thank you.
0:27:51 > 0:27:53LAUGHTER
0:27:55 > 0:27:58Our very first day, we were ambushed.
0:27:58 > 0:28:01A terrible spot, we were trapped in.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03The corporal, a toff, had two fingers shot off
0:28:03 > 0:28:05while waving goodbye to the captain.
0:28:05 > 0:28:07LAUGHTER
0:28:07 > 0:28:09Now, lack of women was the main problem.
0:28:09 > 0:28:11One bloke got in such a state,
0:28:11 > 0:28:14he went down the oasis, pulled funny faces
0:28:14 > 0:28:16and asked a palm tree for a date.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18LAUGHTER
0:28:18 > 0:28:21We had our own belly dancer -
0:28:21 > 0:28:24a wild gypsy maiden called Carmen.
0:28:24 > 0:28:27Her career disappeared when she grew a big beard.
0:28:27 > 0:28:29Now she's working in Crewe as a barman.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31LAUGHTER
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Now, that town, it was full of loose women.
0:28:35 > 0:28:38Sultry maidens, all perfumed and lacquered.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40But we rode so far to reach...
0:28:40 > 0:28:43LAUGHTER
0:28:47 > 0:28:50LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:28:50 > 0:28:53..Sultry maidens all perfumed and lacquered.
0:28:53 > 0:28:55LAUGHTER
0:28:55 > 0:28:57But we rode so far to reach that bazaar...
0:28:57 > 0:28:59We were no damn good, we were...
0:28:59 > 0:29:02SHOUTING
0:29:02 > 0:29:05Very tired, we were, very tired.
0:29:05 > 0:29:07APPLAUSE
0:29:11 > 0:29:14- You see, you see, mon brov... - Yes, mon brov.
0:29:14 > 0:29:18These people don't understand. It was hell out there in the desert.
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Well, of course it was. They couldn't have done it, could they?
0:29:21 > 0:29:23- Look at them.- Look at them. - LAUGHTER
0:29:23 > 0:29:27Civilians, all of them! Have a look round. Hello, up there.
0:29:27 > 0:29:28LAUGHTER
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Sorry, a mistake. There's a deserter up there. How are you?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33Are you going in the morning?
0:29:33 > 0:29:35Quite right. Look at this lot. Civilians.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37Looks like an explosion in a second-hand clothes shop.
0:29:37 > 0:29:42- Look at that!- Of course it does! LAUGHTER
0:29:42 > 0:29:44They'd have been no good in the Legion at all
0:29:44 > 0:29:47- and neither would that fellow over your left shoulder.- Leonard?
0:29:47 > 0:29:50Leonard Sachs? Good gracious me!
0:29:50 > 0:29:53Just imagine if Leonard Sachs had been our drill sergeant in Khartoum!
0:29:53 > 0:29:57- Horrifying.- With all those long words he speaks,
0:29:57 > 0:29:59if he'd told us to halt, by the time he'd got it out,
0:29:59 > 0:30:02we'd have been in Rotherham! LAUGHTER
0:30:02 > 0:30:04But we had our laughs. It wasn't all hard, yes?
0:30:04 > 0:30:07Remember the time they posted that notice in the billet.
0:30:07 > 0:30:10It said, "This morning, the colonel was shot in the bottom.
0:30:10 > 0:30:12"There will be another bulletin later."
0:30:12 > 0:30:14LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Very painful!
0:30:20 > 0:30:22What made you join the Legion?
0:30:22 > 0:30:27Cowardice. Oh, yes. I was given the white feather.
0:30:27 > 0:30:30- The white feather?- Oh, yes.- By whom? - A partridge plucker from Pudsey.
0:30:30 > 0:30:34LAUGHTER
0:30:34 > 0:30:38- I see. He'd run out of pheasants, had he?- That's the fellow, yes.
0:30:38 > 0:30:44I mean, whatever impelled you to join the Legion of the Damned?
0:30:44 > 0:30:47The Legion of the Damned, I joined like a lot of other fellows.
0:30:47 > 0:30:48- I joined to forget.- What?
0:30:48 > 0:30:51I can't remember. LAUGHTER
0:30:51 > 0:30:54- Yes, I can.- It's all coming back. - It's all coming back to me now.
0:30:54 > 0:30:58It's clear in front of me. I joined because I was thwarted and blighted
0:30:58 > 0:31:02- and betrayed by a woman, sir. - Not you.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04- Yes.- Ah.- AUDIENCE:- Ah.
0:31:04 > 0:31:08Thwarted and blighted and betrayed? Well, what did you think?
0:31:08 > 0:31:13I thought to myself, "My heart is broken, but what care I?"
0:31:13 > 0:31:16LAUGHTER
0:31:16 > 0:31:20- Is what you're saying, that such a pride inside you had woken?- Yes.
0:31:20 > 0:31:22LAUGHTER
0:31:22 > 0:31:26- But I thought, "I'll do my best not to cry."- When?- By and by.- Oh.
0:31:26 > 0:31:27LAUGHTER
0:31:27 > 0:31:31- Like when the last farewells have been spoken?- That's right.- Yes, yes.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33So, you must have come to some kind of decision.
0:31:33 > 0:31:34I did come to a decision.
0:31:34 > 0:31:36- What did you think? - I thought to myself...
0:31:36 > 0:31:38# I'll join the Legion
0:31:38 > 0:31:40# That's what I'll do
0:31:40 > 0:31:44# And in some far distant region
0:31:44 > 0:31:47# Where human hearts are staunch and true
0:31:47 > 0:31:53# I will live my life anew
0:31:53 > 0:31:57# Goodbye, it's time I sought a foreign clime
0:31:57 > 0:31:59# Where I may find
0:31:59 > 0:32:04# There are hearts more kind than I leave behind
0:32:04 > 0:32:07# And so I go to fight the savage foe
0:32:07 > 0:32:09# Although
0:32:09 > 0:32:14# I know I'll be sometimes missed by the girls I've kissed
0:32:14 > 0:32:18# In some Abyssinian, French dominion I will do my bit
0:32:18 > 0:32:21# And fall for the flag if I must
0:32:21 > 0:32:25# Where the desert sand is nice and handy, I'll be full of grit
0:32:25 > 0:32:28# But you won't see my heels for the dust
0:32:28 > 0:32:31# Ah, I'll do or die
0:32:31 > 0:32:34# You'll know the reason why when told
0:32:34 > 0:32:36# Of bold Leopold's last stand
0:32:36 > 0:32:39# For the fatherland
0:32:39 > 0:32:41# Goodbye
0:32:41 > 0:32:43# Goodbye
0:32:43 > 0:32:46# I wish you all a last goodbye
0:32:46 > 0:32:48# Goodbye
0:32:48 > 0:32:50# Goodbye
0:32:50 > 0:32:53# I wish you all a last
0:32:53 > 0:33:10# Good...
0:33:11 > 0:33:17# Bye. #
0:33:17 > 0:33:20APPLAUSE
0:33:20 > 0:33:23ORCHESTRA PLAYS LA MARSEILLAISE
0:33:32 > 0:33:37- Apotheotic epitomisation... - AUDIENCE:- Ooh.
0:33:37 > 0:33:42..of immaculate impeccability.
0:33:42 > 0:33:43- AUDIENCE:- Ooh.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45- A toff.- Ah.
0:33:45 > 0:33:50The one and only Mr Frankie Vaughan!
0:33:50 > 0:33:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:33:57 > 0:34:03# Isn't this a lovely evening?
0:34:05 > 0:34:09# Would you like to take a walk?
0:34:10 > 0:34:12- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:34:13 > 0:34:18# Isn't this a lovely evening?
0:34:21 > 0:34:26# Let's go where we can talk, oh
0:34:31 > 0:34:33# Would you like it
0:34:36 > 0:34:38# If I held you near
0:34:40 > 0:34:43# Whispered the things
0:34:45 > 0:34:48# You want to hear?
0:34:49 > 0:34:51# Steal a kiss or two
0:34:53 > 0:34:57# Does that appeal to you?
0:34:57 > 0:35:02# Is that what you'd like me to do?
0:35:03 > 0:35:05- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:35:05 > 0:35:09# Isn't this a lovely evening?
0:35:11 > 0:35:18# Meant for nothing but romance
0:35:19 > 0:35:21# If I put my arms
0:35:23 > 0:35:25# About you
0:35:28 > 0:35:32# Would you care to take a chance?
0:35:37 > 0:35:40# Well, if you're willing
0:35:42 > 0:35:46# To try
0:35:47 > 0:35:49# Then you'll find
0:35:49 > 0:35:52# That I'm your guy
0:35:52 > 0:35:58# To make this lovely evening
0:36:00 > 0:36:07# Such a heavenly night. #
0:36:09 > 0:36:12APPLAUSE
0:36:17 > 0:36:18Thank you.
0:36:18 > 0:36:22APPLAUSE
0:36:28 > 0:36:31# Way down on the levee in old Alabamy
0:36:31 > 0:36:34# There's Daddy and Mammy and Ephraim and Sammy
0:36:34 > 0:36:37# On a moonlit night you will find them all
0:36:37 > 0:36:40# While they are waiting, the banjos are syncopating
0:36:40 > 0:36:43# What's that they're saying? What's that they're saying?
0:36:43 > 0:36:46# A-humming and swaying A-humming and swaying
0:36:46 > 0:36:49# It's the good ship Robert E Lee
0:36:49 > 0:36:52# That's come to carry the cotton away
0:36:52 > 0:36:55# See them shuffling along
0:36:55 > 0:36:57# See them shuffling along
0:36:57 > 0:37:01# Go take your best gal, your real pal
0:37:01 > 0:37:04# Go down to the levee I said the levee
0:37:04 > 0:37:07# Join that shuffling throng
0:37:07 > 0:37:09# Hear that music and song
0:37:09 > 0:37:13# It's simply great, mate, waiting on the levee
0:37:13 > 0:37:19# Waiting for the Robert E Lee. #
0:37:20 > 0:37:24- WITH AUDIENCE: - # Though April showers
0:37:26 > 0:37:30# May come your way
0:37:30 > 0:37:35# They bring the flowers
0:37:35 > 0:37:39# That bloom in May
0:37:39 > 0:37:44# So, if it's raining
0:37:44 > 0:37:50# Have no regrets, no, no
0:37:50 > 0:37:54# Because if it isn't raining
0:37:54 > 0:37:56# Rain, you know
0:37:56 > 0:38:00# It's raining violets
0:38:00 > 0:38:05# And when you see clouds
0:38:05 > 0:38:10# Upon the hills
0:38:10 > 0:38:15# You soon will see crowds
0:38:15 > 0:38:19# Of daffodils
0:38:19 > 0:38:23# So, keep on looking
0:38:23 > 0:38:25# For a bluebird
0:38:25 > 0:38:31# And listening for a song
0:38:31 > 0:38:33# Whenever
0:38:33 > 0:38:37# April showers
0:38:37 > 0:38:42# Come along. #
0:38:45 > 0:38:49- WITH AUDIENCE: - # Rock-a-bye your baby
0:38:49 > 0:38:55# With a Dixie melody
0:38:55 > 0:38:57# When you croon
0:38:57 > 0:39:00# Croon a tune
0:39:00 > 0:39:04# From the heart of Dixie
0:39:05 > 0:39:10# Just hang that cradle, Mammy mine
0:39:10 > 0:39:15# Right on that Mason-Dixon Line
0:39:15 > 0:39:20# And swing it from Virginia
0:39:20 > 0:39:24# To Tennessee with all the love that's in ya
0:39:24 > 0:39:28# "Weep No More My Lady"
0:39:28 > 0:39:33# Sing that song again for me
0:39:33 > 0:39:38# Songs I know, just as though
0:39:38 > 0:39:42# You had me on your knee
0:39:44 > 0:39:49# A million baby kisses I'll deliver
0:39:49 > 0:39:54# The minute that you sing the "Swanee River"
0:39:54 > 0:39:58# Rock-a-bye your rock-a-bye-baby
0:39:58 > 0:40:06# With a Dixie melody. #
0:40:08 > 0:40:11# I've been away from you a long time
0:40:11 > 0:40:13# I never thought I'd miss you so
0:40:13 > 0:40:16# Somehow I feel your love is real
0:40:16 > 0:40:19# Near you I long to be
0:40:19 > 0:40:22# The birds are singing and it's song time
0:40:22 > 0:40:25# The banjo's strumming soft and low
0:40:25 > 0:40:28# I know that you yearn for me too
0:40:28 > 0:40:31# Swanee, I'm calling you
0:40:31 > 0:40:34# Swanee, how I love you, how I love you
0:40:34 > 0:40:36# My dear old Swanee
0:40:36 > 0:40:39# I'd give the world to be
0:40:39 > 0:40:42# Among the folks in D-I-X-I-E
0:40:42 > 0:40:46# Even though my mammy's waiting for me, praying for me
0:40:46 > 0:40:48# Down by the Swanee
0:40:48 > 0:40:52# The folks up north will see me no more
0:40:52 > 0:40:58# When I get to that Swanee shore. #
0:40:58 > 0:41:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:15 > 0:41:17# Toot-toot, Tootsie, goodbye
0:41:17 > 0:41:20# Toot-toot, Tootsie, don't cry
0:41:20 > 0:41:23# The choo-choo train that takes me
0:41:23 > 0:41:26# Away from you, no words can tell how sad it makes me
0:41:26 > 0:41:28# Kiss me, Tootsie, and then
0:41:28 > 0:41:31# Do it over again
0:41:31 > 0:41:34# Watch for the mail I'll never fail
0:41:34 > 0:41:38# If you don't get a letter then you'll know I'm in jail
0:41:38 > 0:41:40# Don't cry, Tootsie Don't cry, no, no
0:41:40 > 0:41:46# Toot-toot, Tootsie, goodbye. #
0:41:46 > 0:41:49APPLAUSE
0:42:00 > 0:42:02# Yesterday I heard a lover sigh
0:42:02 > 0:42:05# "Goodbye, oh, me, oh, my"
0:42:05 > 0:42:08# Seven times he hopped aboard a train
0:42:08 > 0:42:10# And seven times he hurried back
0:42:10 > 0:42:12# To kiss his love again and tell her
0:42:12 > 0:42:14# Toot-toot, Tootsie, goodbye
0:42:14 > 0:42:17# Toot-toot, Tootsie, don't cry
0:42:17 > 0:42:20# The choo-choo train that takes me
0:42:20 > 0:42:23# Away from you, no words can tell how sad it makes me
0:42:23 > 0:42:26# Kiss me, Tootsie, and then, mm
0:42:26 > 0:42:28# Do it over again
0:42:28 > 0:42:31# Watch for the mail I'll never fail
0:42:31 > 0:42:34# If you don't get a letter then you'll know I'm in jail
0:42:34 > 0:42:37# Don't cry, Tootsie Don't cry, no, no
0:42:37 > 0:42:39# Toot-toot, Tootsie
0:42:39 > 0:42:43# Goodbye. #
0:42:43 > 0:42:46APPLAUSE
0:43:08 > 0:43:10Tantalising
0:43:10 > 0:43:13and transcendental...
0:43:13 > 0:43:14- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:43:14 > 0:43:18..transatlantic transports.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20And you know what those are, sir.
0:43:20 > 0:43:25Once again, the Players Theatre!
0:43:25 > 0:43:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:32 > 0:43:34- # How do you do?- How do you do?
0:43:34 > 0:43:37- # Miss Ragtime - Yeah, yeah, for Ragtime
0:43:37 > 0:43:39- # Hats off to you- Hats off
0:43:39 > 0:43:41- # Miss Ragtime - A little bit of Ragtime
0:43:41 > 0:43:44# When I see you coming out to get the rest
0:43:44 > 0:43:46# You're the only one, the sweetest and the best
0:43:46 > 0:43:49# I'm dead in love, heels and head in love
0:43:49 > 0:43:51- # Always thinking of you- Ooh
0:43:51 > 0:43:54- # Look who's here - Just looking at you
0:43:54 > 0:43:56- # Ragtime dear- So glad we found you
0:43:56 > 0:43:59- # When you're near- Ooh, ooh
0:43:59 > 0:44:01- # I feel queer- Oh, oh, ooh
0:44:01 > 0:44:03# And there's a funny feeling comes along with you
0:44:03 > 0:44:06# And makes me happy, happy, happy Never blue
0:44:06 > 0:44:09# How do you do, Miss Ragtime How do you do?
0:44:09 > 0:44:11# How do you do, how do you do How do you do-do-do? #
0:44:11 > 0:44:13# I want to hear, I want to hear
0:44:13 > 0:44:15# Alexander's ragtime band
0:44:15 > 0:44:18# Come on and hear, come on and hear
0:44:18 > 0:44:20# It's the best band in the land
0:44:20 > 0:44:23# They can play a bugle call like you never heard before
0:44:23 > 0:44:26# So natural that you want to go to war
0:44:26 > 0:44:28# It's just the bestest band that am
0:44:28 > 0:44:30# Honey lamb, honey lamb
0:44:30 > 0:44:33# Come on along, come on along
0:44:33 > 0:44:35# Let me take you by the hand
0:44:35 > 0:44:38# Up to the man, up to the man
0:44:38 > 0:44:40# Who's the leader of the band
0:44:40 > 0:44:43# And if you want to hear that Swanee River
0:44:43 > 0:44:45# Played in a ragtime
0:44:45 > 0:44:48# Come on and hear, come on and hear
0:44:48 > 0:44:51# Alexander's ragtime band. #
0:44:51 > 0:44:53# Listen to the band
0:44:53 > 0:44:56# They're playing
0:44:56 > 0:45:00# You made me love you
0:45:00 > 0:45:02# I didn't want to do it
0:45:02 > 0:45:05# I didn't want to do it
0:45:05 > 0:45:10# You made me want you
0:45:10 > 0:45:13# And all the time you knew it
0:45:13 > 0:45:15# I guess you always knew it
0:45:15 > 0:45:20# You made me happy sometimes
0:45:20 > 0:45:24# You made me sad
0:45:26 > 0:45:30# But there were times, dear
0:45:30 > 0:45:35# You made me feel so bad
0:45:35 > 0:45:39# You made me sigh for
0:45:39 > 0:45:42# I didn't want to tell you
0:45:42 > 0:45:45# I didn't want to tell you
0:45:45 > 0:45:50# I need some love that's true
0:45:50 > 0:45:55# Yes, I do, indeed I do You know I do
0:45:55 > 0:45:59# Give me, give me what I sigh for
0:45:59 > 0:46:04# You know you've got the brand of kisses that I'd die for
0:46:04 > 0:46:09# You know you made me
0:46:09 > 0:46:12# Love you. #
0:46:15 > 0:46:17# When the midnight choo-choo leaves for Alabam'
0:46:17 > 0:46:19# Alabam', Alabam'
0:46:19 > 0:46:21# I'll be right there, right there
0:46:21 > 0:46:24# Because I've got my money for the fare
0:46:24 > 0:46:27# When I see that rusty-haired conductor man
0:46:27 > 0:46:29# When I see that man
0:46:29 > 0:46:31# I'll grab him by the collar And I'll holler
0:46:31 > 0:46:33# "Alabam', Alabam'"
0:46:33 > 0:46:36# That's where you'll stop that train
0:46:36 > 0:46:38# That takes me back again
0:46:38 > 0:46:40# Back home where I'll remain
0:46:40 > 0:46:44# Where my honey lamb am Where my honey lamb
0:46:44 > 0:46:46# I will be right there with bells
0:46:46 > 0:46:49# When that old conductor yells
0:46:49 > 0:46:51# "All aboard, all aboard
0:46:51 > 0:46:54# "All aboard for Alabam', yes!"
0:46:54 > 0:46:58# I will be right there with bells
0:46:58 > 0:47:01# When that old conductor yells
0:47:01 > 0:47:05# "All aboard, all aboard All aboard, all aboard
0:47:05 > 0:47:07# "All aboard
0:47:07 > 0:47:12# "For Alabam'"
0:47:13 > 0:47:15# "All aboard for Alabam', yes!" #
0:47:15 > 0:47:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:47:24 > 0:47:27Now, there's just time to ask Mr Frankie Vaughan
0:47:27 > 0:47:28to lead the company and yourselves
0:47:28 > 0:47:31in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:47:31 > 0:47:35Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Frankie Vaughan, the entire company,
0:47:35 > 0:47:40Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and inexhaustible orchestra.
0:47:40 > 0:47:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:47:42 > 0:47:47And this time, chiefly yourselves.
0:47:51 > 0:47:55# Come, come Come and make eyes at me
0:47:55 > 0:47:57# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:47:59 > 0:48:02# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:48:02 > 0:48:05# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:48:06 > 0:48:10# Hear the little German band Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
0:48:10 > 0:48:13# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:48:13 > 0:48:17# Do, do come and have a drink or two
0:48:17 > 0:48:21# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:48:21 > 0:48:22# And Bush. #
0:48:22 > 0:48:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:48:26 > 0:48:30ORCHESTRA PLAYS