0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Ah, flippety hop, ah, flippety hop
0:00:41 > 0:00:43# Where the boys and girls are found
0:00:43 > 0:00:45# Hopping and skipping it round and round
0:00:45 > 0:00:48# When we start the dancing we never know when to stop
0:00:48 > 0:00:50# It's aye-aye, go as you please
0:00:50 > 0:00:52# Ah, flippety hop
0:00:52 > 0:00:55# Ah, flippety hop, ah, flippety hop
0:00:55 > 0:00:57# Where the boys and girls are found
0:00:57 > 0:00:59# Hopping and skipping it round and round
0:00:59 > 0:01:02# When we start the dancing we never know when to stop
0:01:02 > 0:01:04# It's aye-aye, go as you please
0:01:04 > 0:01:06# Ah, flippety hop
0:01:10 > 0:01:13# Casey would waltz with a strawberry blonde
0:01:13 > 0:01:17# And the band played on
0:01:17 > 0:01:20# He'd glide cross the floor with the girl he adored
0:01:20 > 0:01:25# And the band played on
0:01:25 > 0:01:28# His brain was so loaded it nearly exploded
0:01:28 > 0:01:32# The poor girl would shake with alarm
0:01:32 > 0:01:36# He'd ne'er leave the girl with the strawberry curls
0:01:36 > 0:01:39# And the band played on
0:01:40 > 0:01:43# And the band played on
0:01:45 > 0:01:49# And they all walk a wibbly wobbly walk
0:01:49 > 0:01:52# All talk a wibbly wobbly talk
0:01:52 > 0:01:56# All wear wibbly wobbly ties
0:01:56 > 0:01:59# Wink at all the pretty girls with wibbly wobbly eyes
0:01:59 > 0:02:03# And they all smile a wibbly wobbly smile
0:02:03 > 0:02:06# When the day is dawning
0:02:06 > 0:02:09# And all do a wibbly wobbly walk
0:02:09 > 0:02:12# They get a wibbly wobbly feeling in the morning
0:02:12 > 0:02:16# And they all walk a wibbly wobbly walk
0:02:16 > 0:02:19# All talk a wibbly wobbly talk
0:02:19 > 0:02:23# All wear wibbly wobbly ties
0:02:23 > 0:02:26# Wink at all the pretty girls with wibbly wobbly eyes
0:02:26 > 0:02:30# And they all smile a wibbly wobbly smile
0:02:30 > 0:02:33# When the day is dawning
0:02:33 > 0:02:36# And all do the wibbly wobbly walk
0:02:36 > 0:02:38# They get a wibbly wobbly feeling
0:02:40 > 0:02:42# A wibbly wobbly feeling
0:02:43 > 0:02:47# A wibbly wobbly wibbly wobbly wibbly wobbly walk. #
0:02:47 > 0:02:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:56 > 0:03:00FANFARE
0:03:02 > 0:03:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:13 > 0:03:16Once again,
0:03:16 > 0:03:21good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23- AUDIENCE:- Good evening.
0:03:23 > 0:03:28Guten Abend, meine Damen und Herren.
0:03:28 > 0:03:31APPLAUSE
0:03:36 > 0:03:39That is for the 52 dames who have made the trip
0:03:39 > 0:03:41especially to see the show.
0:03:41 > 0:03:43Applaud them for me.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46APPLAUSE
0:03:47 > 0:03:50Philoprogenitively...
0:03:50 > 0:03:51- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:03:51 > 0:03:56..proliferate of para polysyllabically pertinence...
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:03:58 > 0:04:02..epithets promulgating primarily
0:04:02 > 0:04:05imperturbably epicene...
0:04:05 > 0:04:07- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:04:07 > 0:04:10..Mr John Inman!
0:04:10 > 0:04:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Oh, stop, stop. I love it so much.
0:04:22 > 0:04:24LAUGHTER
0:04:24 > 0:04:26Don't you all look lovely?
0:04:26 > 0:04:28- AUDIENCE:- Yes.
0:04:28 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:33Who asked you? I was talking to this lot.
0:04:33 > 0:04:38You do. All the pretty dresses, the earrings, the necklaces...
0:04:38 > 0:04:40..and the ladies look nice, too.
0:04:40 > 0:04:42LAUGHTER
0:04:42 > 0:04:45You're looking at me thinking the same thing, aren't you?
0:04:45 > 0:04:49Well, there's no chance at all because a bachelor I am
0:04:49 > 0:04:52and a bachelor I'm going to be, just like my father.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54I'll tell you about him. Shall we go?
0:04:54 > 0:04:58BAND STRIKES UP
0:04:58 > 0:05:01# Mammas galore are after me
0:05:01 > 0:05:03# They think that I'm a catch
0:05:03 > 0:05:08# But I was born a bachelor and still I mean to bach
0:05:08 > 0:05:12# I look around at dear old pals who've got that married look
0:05:12 > 0:05:17# But I've become a bachelor and I go home and sack the cook
0:05:19 > 0:05:21# I'm tickled to death I'm single
0:05:21 > 0:05:24# I'm tickled to death I'm free
0:05:24 > 0:05:29# What the wives are saying doesn't apply to me
0:05:29 > 0:05:32# I'm awfully glad I'm single
0:05:32 > 0:05:35# I'm frightfully bucked I'm free
0:05:35 > 0:05:38# I've seen the men who are married
0:05:38 > 0:05:40# I've seen the hook being baited
0:05:40 > 0:05:43# But I've been inoculated
0:05:43 > 0:05:47# They can't catch me
0:05:47 > 0:05:49# I'm tickled to death I'm single
0:05:49 > 0:05:52# I'm tickled to death I'm free
0:05:52 > 0:05:55# I've got my independence
0:05:55 > 0:05:58# I've got the front door key
0:05:58 > 0:06:03# I'm frightfully glad I've not got a W-I-F-E
0:06:03 > 0:06:06# Marriage may bring the real times
0:06:06 > 0:06:09# Honeymoon brings the real times
0:06:09 > 0:06:12# But I like a change at mealtimes
0:06:12 > 0:06:15# They can't catch me
0:06:21 > 0:06:26# Now, marriage is a honeymoon where lives are wrecked
0:06:26 > 0:06:29# And husband wants to fly away
0:06:29 > 0:06:31# He gets severely pecked
0:06:31 > 0:06:36# Now behind his prison bars he sees the love birds fly about
0:06:36 > 0:06:43# Now he'd be wild and so would she if only he got out
0:06:43 > 0:06:46# I'm tickled to death I'm single
0:06:46 > 0:06:49# I'm tickled to death I'm free
0:06:49 > 0:06:51# Eggs do not interest me
0:06:51 > 0:06:54# I like them cooked for tea
0:06:54 > 0:06:57# I can't believe the fable
0:06:57 > 0:07:00# That birds in their nests agree
0:07:00 > 0:07:02# I've seen the hen-pecked paters
0:07:02 > 0:07:05# Looking like ragtime waiters
0:07:05 > 0:07:08# Pushing perambulators
0:07:08 > 0:07:11# They can't catch me. #
0:07:11 > 0:07:13Whoop! See you later.
0:07:13 > 0:07:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:23 > 0:07:26Exotic embodiment
0:07:26 > 0:07:30of rhapsodic romantic
0:07:30 > 0:07:35aspirations, deliquescent for your delight,
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Miss Rita Monet.
0:07:47 > 0:07:50# Once upon a time
0:07:50 > 0:07:53# Many years ago
0:07:53 > 0:07:56# Lived a fair princess Hating to confess
0:07:56 > 0:07:59# Loneliness was torturing her so
0:07:59 > 0:08:02# Then a gypsy came
0:08:02 > 0:08:05# Called to her by name
0:08:05 > 0:08:09# Wooed her with a song Sensuous and strong
0:08:09 > 0:08:13# All the Summer long Her passions seemed to tremble
0:08:13 > 0:08:17# Like a living flame
0:08:20 > 0:08:24# Play to me beneath the Summer moon
0:08:24 > 0:08:28# Zigeuner
0:08:28 > 0:08:31# Zigeuner
0:08:31 > 0:08:34# Zigeuner
0:08:34 > 0:08:39# All I ask of life is just to listen to the songs that you sing
0:08:39 > 0:08:42# My spirit like a bird on the wing
0:08:42 > 0:08:46# Your melodies adoring
0:08:46 > 0:08:49# Soaring
0:08:50 > 0:08:55# Call to me with some barbaric tune
0:08:55 > 0:08:58# Zigeuner
0:08:58 > 0:09:01# Zigeuner
0:09:01 > 0:09:06# Zigeuner
0:09:06 > 0:09:11# Now you have me in your power
0:09:11 > 0:09:16# Play to me for just one hour
0:09:18 > 0:09:24# Zigeuner
0:09:29 > 0:09:33SHE SINGS NOTES
0:09:49 > 0:09:55# Call to me with some barbaric tune
0:09:55 > 0:09:58# Zigeuner
0:09:58 > 0:10:01# Zigeuner
0:10:01 > 0:10:05# Zigeuner
0:10:05 > 0:10:11# Now you hold me in your power
0:10:11 > 0:10:19# Play to me for just one hour
0:10:19 > 0:10:27# Zigeuner. #
0:10:29 > 0:10:34CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:44SHE SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE
0:12:22 > 0:12:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:34 > 0:12:38Only one of the fringe benefits.
0:12:38 > 0:12:42Light-fingered in legerdemain,
0:12:42 > 0:12:45preposterously presumptuous
0:12:45 > 0:12:49in prestidigitation,
0:12:49 > 0:12:51conjuring
0:12:51 > 0:12:55Mr John Wade.
0:12:55 > 0:12:58FANFARE
0:13:05 > 0:13:08Well, good evening. It is very nice to be back here, it is.
0:13:08 > 0:13:10I was working it out.
0:13:10 > 0:13:12About a year ago since I last graced these boards,
0:13:12 > 0:13:14and it's a long time to be out of work.
0:13:14 > 0:13:16LAUGHTER
0:13:16 > 0:13:19What I normally try and do is to try and show you tricks you can do
0:13:19 > 0:13:21with everyday little articles and things like this.
0:13:21 > 0:13:23I have a thimble here,
0:13:23 > 0:13:25because I spend a great deal of money on the equipment I use.
0:13:25 > 0:13:28Take this thimble. You put it in your left hand, you take it off,
0:13:28 > 0:13:30you give it a squeeze, it goes up your sleeve,
0:13:30 > 0:13:32across your chest, down your sleeve and back on your finger.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34Sensational, isn't it?
0:13:34 > 0:13:36A lot of people think I use two thimbles for this.
0:13:36 > 0:13:38As a matter of fact, we use four, of course.
0:13:38 > 0:13:39Splendid thing.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- APPLAUSE - Many...
0:13:45 > 0:13:48All that applause, I thought somebody else had walked on.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50No, it's...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52You really want to get away with it, bit of luck,
0:13:52 > 0:13:54you get yourself a nice big one like that. Look at that.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57FANFARE
0:13:59 > 0:14:02Now, I didn't know what to do today, as you may have gathered.
0:14:02 > 0:14:04So I said to the man who washes my motor car every day,
0:14:04 > 0:14:07I said, "Sax," I said, "Let's, erm..."
0:14:07 > 0:14:09- LAUGHTER - "..have a chat."
0:14:09 > 0:14:10And he said, "Do a card trick,"
0:14:10 > 0:14:13so we'll try a card trick and let's do one that uses members of
0:14:13 > 0:14:16the audience, people of the utmost integrity
0:14:16 > 0:14:19and it may not be too easy tonight...
0:14:19 > 0:14:21This is a rather dog-eared old pack of cards... I'm sorry to wake you.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23Would you, erm...?
0:14:23 > 0:14:25LAUGHTER
0:14:25 > 0:14:28Would you take those cards in your hand, sir? Don't open them.
0:14:28 > 0:14:30Don't look at them, and don't leave.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33Just a minute. Just pop them in a pocket or something
0:14:33 > 0:14:35and forget you have them just for a little while.
0:14:35 > 0:14:37I have to say this. We haven't met before, have we?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40- Indeed not, no.- No, jolly good. Now...
0:14:40 > 0:14:41Now we're going to pick somebody else.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43I'm just going to go to this gentleman here,
0:14:43 > 0:14:46who didn't know I was going to ask him, but he's nice and handy.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49- So from where you're sitting, would you help me with a trick?- Yes, sir.
0:14:49 > 0:14:50I say from where you're sitting,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53because most of the places where I work, they can't stand up.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54LAUGHTER
0:14:54 > 0:14:56Now, the gentleman there who has the real pack,
0:14:56 > 0:14:58do you have an imagination?
0:14:58 > 0:15:01LAUGHTER
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Does he?
0:15:04 > 0:15:07Going to need one now, because the gentleman who has the real pack,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09we're going to use an invisible pack. I have one.
0:15:09 > 0:15:11There.
0:15:11 > 0:15:14- Can you see that invisible pack? - Yes.- Good lad.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18There's always one, isn't there? No!
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I'm going to throw this invisible pack to you. Will you catch them?
0:15:23 > 0:15:24- Yes.- Coming down.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26I missed them.
0:15:26 > 0:15:28LAUGHTER
0:15:28 > 0:15:30APPLAUSE
0:15:33 > 0:15:36Take the rubber band off.
0:15:36 > 0:15:38Put it in your pocket.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40Not giving anything away here right now.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42Undo the card case.
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Take the cards out. Put the case on the lady's lap beside you.
0:15:44 > 0:15:47You might as well enjoy yourself. That's it.
0:15:47 > 0:15:50Now you have 54 invisible cards in your hands.
0:15:50 > 0:15:52Spread them out a little.
0:15:52 > 0:15:5454 because there are, of course, two jokers.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56Him and one other.
0:15:56 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER
0:15:59 > 0:16:01Would you take the two jokers right out, sir?
0:16:01 > 0:16:03Thank you very much indeed.
0:16:03 > 0:16:04Now you have 52 invisible cards
0:16:04 > 0:16:07and a fellow at the front door in a white coat waiting for both of us.
0:16:07 > 0:16:09Right, now.
0:16:09 > 0:16:12The only difficult thing I want you to do is take any one of those
0:16:12 > 0:16:15invisible cards, any one you like at random,
0:16:15 > 0:16:17and take it right out of the pack and hold it up
0:16:17 > 0:16:19but don't let me see it.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20LAUGHTER
0:16:22 > 0:16:25Would you show it to the lady sitting next to you, please?
0:16:26 > 0:16:28- Did you see it, madam?- Yes.
0:16:28 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER
0:16:36 > 0:16:39She's as mad as he is, you know. It's barkers.
0:16:39 > 0:16:41Look at it yourself, sir, would you?
0:16:41 > 0:16:45Remember it. Put it back in the pack. Now, when you put it back,
0:16:45 > 0:16:48reverse it so it's the only card the wrong way round.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51Lovely. Square them up, give them a little shuffle.
0:16:51 > 0:16:53That's it. Put them back. You dropped one.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56Two? Oh, beg your pardon.
0:16:56 > 0:16:58LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:03They're coming to get us all in a minute.
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Put them back in the case. You left it on the lady's lap. That's it.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08And put the rubber band back, please.
0:17:08 > 0:17:11And throw them back to me because I have to do this another time.
0:17:11 > 0:17:12Thank you.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15Well, it passes the time, doesn't it?
0:17:15 > 0:17:18Do you still have the real pack, sir?
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- I think so.- I hope so. Jolly good.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Would you just for the moment hold them like that,
0:17:22 > 0:17:24so that people know that you don't touch them,
0:17:24 > 0:17:26and neither do I, because we'll all be looking at this.
0:17:26 > 0:17:29Now, thank you very much for playing the game. Bless your heart.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31You had no idea this was going to happen, did you?
0:17:31 > 0:17:34You took an invisible card out of an invisible pack
0:17:34 > 0:17:36and you showed it to the lady sitting next to you.
0:17:36 > 0:17:38None of us has met before.
0:17:38 > 0:17:39What card did he show you?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41LAUGHTER
0:17:42 > 0:17:46- Have I to tell you?- You tell me. - Queen of diamonds.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48The queen of diamonds? Now, you saw it as well, sir.
0:17:48 > 0:17:50- Was it the queen of diamonds?- No.
0:17:50 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER
0:18:02 > 0:18:04I knew it. I knew it.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10- What card did you see? - The ace of hearts.- Ace of hearts.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12They are rather alike, aren't they?
0:18:15 > 0:18:18We're going to have to come to a compromise.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Would you like to get your heads together?
0:18:20 > 0:18:23It's been one of those days, hasn't it? It's been awful.
0:18:23 > 0:18:25Everything's gone wrong at the moment.
0:18:25 > 0:18:26I suppose it's the situation.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29I always think, every time our prime minister goes
0:18:29 > 0:18:31abroad on our behalf, I always think,
0:18:31 > 0:18:33wouldn't it be wonderful if, when he came back, we'd all gone?
0:18:33 > 0:18:36LAUGHTER
0:18:36 > 0:18:39APPLAUSE
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Have you come to an arrangement?
0:18:45 > 0:18:46About a card?
0:18:47 > 0:18:49- What have you chosen?- Ace of hearts.
0:18:49 > 0:18:52The ace of hearts? You've compromised with him?
0:18:52 > 0:18:54That's very nice. Ace of hearts.
0:18:54 > 0:18:57- Do you want to change your mind? - No, no.- Please, it's not very easy.
0:18:57 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER
0:18:58 > 0:19:01- Ace of hearts, you're going to stick to it?- Yes.- Ace of hearts.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03Can I have those cards back from you, sir?
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Thank you very much indeed, you've been looking after them all along.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Bring them back over here.
0:19:07 > 0:19:09We'll take the rubber band off the cards.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Open the pack up. You said the ace of hearts.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12As we go through these cards,
0:19:12 > 0:19:15there should be only one card the wrong way round.
0:19:15 > 0:19:18Because that's what you did with your funny thing, wasn't it?
0:19:18 > 0:19:20So let's go through these cards. Ace of hearts is what you said.
0:19:20 > 0:19:23Let's just totter through the cards rather quickly.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25And as we go through, I think right at the back... Isn't it funny?
0:19:25 > 0:19:26I've got a feeling. Right at the
0:19:26 > 0:19:28back, there's one card there with its back...
0:19:28 > 0:19:31If it's the ace of hearts. Are we right? Did we do it right?
0:19:31 > 0:19:33FANFARE CHEERING
0:19:33 > 0:19:35That's it. There we go.
0:19:35 > 0:19:37Thank you.
0:19:37 > 0:19:40APPLAUSE
0:19:45 > 0:19:49Munificently mellifluous,
0:19:49 > 0:19:51quadraphonic
0:19:51 > 0:19:55antiphonists.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58Musical mixed doubles,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01the Balladiers!
0:20:01 > 0:20:04FANFARE
0:20:10 > 0:20:14PIANO MUSIC
0:20:17 > 0:20:23# Love's last word is spoken, cherie
0:20:25 > 0:20:30# Now my heart is broken, cherie
0:20:30 > 0:20:33# All our dreams have gone
0:20:33 > 0:20:39# And like a broken melody
0:20:39 > 0:20:42# Melody
0:20:42 > 0:20:48# Love's last word is spoken, cherie
0:20:48 > 0:20:52# My cherie
0:20:52 > 0:21:00# Do you remember a night in September, my own
0:21:02 > 0:21:10# Love was around us He came out and found us alone
0:21:12 > 0:21:20# Now he has left us Bereft us of all we esteemed
0:21:22 > 0:21:26# Words that once mattered
0:21:26 > 0:21:32# And flattered Were not what they seemed
0:21:32 > 0:21:35# Or we dreamed
0:21:35 > 0:21:39# Or we dreamed
0:21:42 > 0:21:49# Love's last word is spoken, cherie
0:21:49 > 0:21:54# Now my heart is broken, cherie
0:21:54 > 0:21:57# My cherie
0:21:57 > 0:22:03# Faded the hours I spent with you
0:22:05 > 0:22:11# Roaming the boulevards Content with you
0:22:13 > 0:22:19# Once our hearts were blended, cherie
0:22:21 > 0:22:28# Now our dream is ended, cherie
0:22:28 > 0:22:31# All our dreams have gone
0:22:31 > 0:22:37# And like a broken melody
0:22:37 > 0:22:41# Melody
0:22:41 > 0:22:48# Love's last word is spoken, cherie
0:22:48 > 0:22:55# My cherie. #
0:22:58 > 0:23:01APPLAUSE
0:23:01 > 0:23:04FANFARE
0:23:11 > 0:23:14The acme,
0:23:14 > 0:23:16the apogee
0:23:16 > 0:23:18of elocutionary eloquence
0:23:18 > 0:23:23from Mr Raymond Bower!
0:23:23 > 0:23:25FANFARE
0:23:28 > 0:23:29Ladies and gentlemen, it is
0:23:29 > 0:23:32my pleasure tonight to give you a rendering of a monologue...
0:23:32 > 0:23:34Excuse me.
0:23:34 > 0:23:36..which has been a favourite of mine for many years
0:23:36 > 0:23:39and I'm sure is a great favourite of yours. I refer, of course...
0:23:39 > 0:23:42..well, you can't get in anywhere. Thank you very much.
0:23:42 > 0:23:44I refer, of course, to the Green Eye of the Little Yellow...
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Good evening, good evening.
0:23:48 > 0:23:51- Excuse me.- It's pouring down outside.
0:23:52 > 0:23:53Excuse me!
0:23:53 > 0:23:55Why, what have you done?
0:23:56 > 0:23:59A little respect for the artiste, sir, if you please.
0:23:59 > 0:24:02- I'm sorry. Do carry on.- Not at all. May I continue?- But do.- Thank you.
0:24:02 > 0:24:04You're welcome.
0:24:04 > 0:24:05I refer, of course, to the
0:24:05 > 0:24:08Green Eye of the Little Yellow God by Milton Hayes.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- Thank you.- You're welcome again.
0:24:10 > 0:24:12LAUGHTER
0:24:12 > 0:24:14- Ahem.- Ahem.
0:24:16 > 0:24:19There's a green-eyed yellow idol to the north of Kathmandu.
0:24:19 > 0:24:22- There's a little marble cross below the town.- Excuse me.
0:24:22 > 0:24:24- There's a broken...- Excuse me.
0:24:24 > 0:24:27Have you been there recently?
0:24:27 > 0:24:29- Have I been where?- Kathmandu.
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Well, no, as a matter of fact, I haven't been there for some years.
0:24:32 > 0:24:35No, it's painfully obvious, too. I was there only the other day.
0:24:35 > 0:24:38All very interesting, but why are you telling me all this?
0:24:38 > 0:24:40Well, I just wanted to put you right, geographically, that's all.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43They've altered it all now, you know.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Ooh, yes, in the square, there's a new complex there,
0:24:46 > 0:24:51there's a library and baths and all sorts of things.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53They've moved the idol to the south of the town.
0:24:53 > 0:24:55- To the south of the town?- Yes.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00And that little cross you're talking about, that's above.
0:25:00 > 0:25:02- Above the town?- Yes.
0:25:02 > 0:25:06- Perhaps I'd better start again. - But do.- Thank you.
0:25:06 > 0:25:08You're welcome.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12Will you hold that for me, love? I brought it in with me.
0:25:12 > 0:25:15The Green Eye of the Little Yellow God by Milton Hayes.
0:25:15 > 0:25:16- Ahem.- Ahem.
0:25:17 > 0:25:20- There's a green-eyed yellow idol to the north...- South!
0:25:20 > 0:25:23South, south of Kathmandu.
0:25:23 > 0:25:28- There's a little marble cross... - Above!- Above the town.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- There's a broken-hearted woman tends the grave of Mad Carew.- Wait.
0:25:31 > 0:25:35I don't want to be awkward. Did you know Fanny Shannon?
0:25:35 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:43- Did I know who?- Fanny Shannon. Colonel Shannon's eldest daughter.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45No, I have not had the pleasure.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Ooh, I have.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52Well, how would you have me describe her?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55As a comparatively broken-hearted woman.
0:25:55 > 0:25:58Comparatively broken-hearted woman, yes.
0:25:58 > 0:26:00- Perhaps I'd better start again. - But do.
0:26:00 > 0:26:02- Thank you.- You're welcome.
0:26:02 > 0:26:05Polite fella, isn't he? He keeps bowing like that.
0:26:05 > 0:26:07Ahem.
0:26:07 > 0:26:10There's a comparatively broken-hearted woman tends
0:26:10 > 0:26:12the grave of Mad Carew.
0:26:12 > 0:26:15- And the little god forever gazes down...- Up!- Up.
0:26:18 > 0:26:22- He was known as Mad Carew. - No, no, he wasn't
0:26:22 > 0:26:25mad at all, no.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27He was mentally deficient, yes.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32You couldn't call him absolutely bonkers.
0:26:34 > 0:26:37He was known as mentally deficient Carew.
0:26:39 > 0:26:40By the subs at Kathmandu,
0:26:40 > 0:26:43he was hotter than they felt inclined to tell.
0:26:43 > 0:26:45Mm, too much curry powder.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48You know about it the day after, don't you?
0:26:48 > 0:26:52- But for all his foolish pranks... - Foolish pranks?
0:26:52 > 0:26:55You call writing rude words on walls foolish pranks?
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- Well, I didn't know. - Well, there, you see.
0:26:58 > 0:27:03- But may I please continue?- But... Altogether. But do.
0:27:03 > 0:27:05- Thank you.- You're welcome.
0:27:05 > 0:27:09But for all his foolish pranks, he was worshipped in the ranks.
0:27:09 > 0:27:12- And the colonel's daughter smiled on him as well.- I'm not having that.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15My brother was going out with her at the time.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18No, please, no! No, no, no!
0:27:18 > 0:27:22No, please, please, I honestly... I take it back.
0:27:24 > 0:27:26She was nearly 21.
0:27:26 > 0:27:2821? She were 39 if she were a day.
0:27:32 > 0:27:36And arrangements had begun to celebrate the birthday with a ball.
0:27:36 > 0:27:37I don't remember that.
0:27:39 > 0:27:42He wrote to ask what present she would like from mentally
0:27:42 > 0:27:44deficient Carew.
0:27:44 > 0:27:48- Then met next day as he dismissed a squad.- Platoon.
0:27:49 > 0:27:52- As he dismissed a squad.- Platoon!
0:27:52 > 0:27:56- A squad.- A subaltern can command a platoon.- A squad, a squad, a squad!
0:27:56 > 0:27:59A platoon, a platoon, a platoon!
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Sorry, love. Did I splash you then?
0:28:02 > 0:28:06It's got to be a squad - it has to rhyme with yellow god.
0:28:06 > 0:28:08I don't care what the hell it's got to rhyme with,
0:28:08 > 0:28:10its Queen's regulations, it's a platoon.
0:28:10 > 0:28:11Oh, shush.
0:28:11 > 0:28:13May I please continue?
0:28:13 > 0:28:14- Do.- Thank you. - You're very welcome.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Ugh!
0:28:16 > 0:28:19- They met next day, as he dismissed a platoon...- Yes.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22..and jestingly she told him then that nothing else would do,
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- but the green eye of the... - Of the hairy great baboon!
0:28:25 > 0:28:28..of the hairy great... Agh!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30That's the way!
0:28:31 > 0:28:33My landlady put summat up for me, actually.
0:28:33 > 0:28:36I don't know where it... Oh, aye. Yes, this'll do, here...
0:28:42 > 0:28:44In all my years at the theatre,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47I've never known such a ridiculous...
0:28:50 > 0:28:52- Sir!- What?
0:28:52 > 0:28:55- Do you realise that this is my profession?- I beg your pardon?
0:28:55 > 0:28:57This is my bread-and-butter.
0:28:57 > 0:28:58No, it's not, it's my bread-and-butter,
0:28:58 > 0:29:01- I've got it here! - Ugh! For goodness' sake.
0:29:01 > 0:29:04There's a broken-hearted idol to the west of Mad Carew,
0:29:04 > 0:29:06There's a...
0:29:06 > 0:29:08There's a cross-eyed yellow woman doing all a cat can do...
0:29:08 > 0:29:10HE SINGS
0:29:10 > 0:29:12Oh, this is...!
0:29:12 > 0:29:15I can't stand it, I can't stand it, I can't stand it!
0:29:15 > 0:29:18No, you should be sitting up here where we are. Tell him!
0:29:19 > 0:29:21What's going on behind that curtain?
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Nothing is going on behind the curtain.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26There's not much going on in front of it, either.
0:29:26 > 0:29:27I'll give you a hand, it's no good.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30- You can't do it all without the bloody...- No, no, please, sir!
0:29:30 > 0:29:31No, don't...!
0:29:31 > 0:29:33We want to have a singsong, though, don't we?
0:29:33 > 0:29:36- You want a singsong, don't you? - I'm very sorry. Honestly...
0:29:36 > 0:29:39We'll have a singsong, then. Come here.
0:29:39 > 0:29:40I'll get me leg over.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42Hey...
0:29:42 > 0:29:44Wait, wait. Hey!
0:29:44 > 0:29:46- Hey...- Can we just go back?- Right...
0:29:46 > 0:29:47- Come down...- Whoa!
0:29:49 > 0:29:51It's a good job I didn't have me kilt on.
0:29:51 > 0:29:52LAUGHTER
0:29:52 > 0:29:54Here we are.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57Now, then, I'll give you a singsong.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03When I was a lad, we used to sing good old rousing songs -
0:30:03 > 0:30:04you know 'em, don't you?
0:30:04 > 0:30:08Come on, then, let's have a go.
0:30:08 > 0:30:12ALL: # Goodbye Dolly I must leave you
0:30:12 > 0:30:16# Though it breaks my heart to go
0:30:16 > 0:30:19# Something tells me I am needed
0:30:19 > 0:30:24# At the front to fight the foe
0:30:24 > 0:30:28# See - the soldier boys are marching
0:30:28 > 0:30:32# And I can no longer stay
0:30:32 > 0:30:36# Hark - I hear the bugle calling
0:30:36 > 0:30:39# Goodbye Dolly Gray. #
0:30:54 > 0:30:58The Chelsea Pensioner was, of course, your own Mr John Inman.
0:30:58 > 0:31:04And now we have a melodious minstrel in a metropolitan...
0:31:04 > 0:31:06- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:31:06 > 0:31:09..that's from London - miscellany.
0:31:09 > 0:31:13Miss Julie Royce!
0:31:13 > 0:31:15APPLAUSE
0:31:22 > 0:31:28# Last week down our alley came a toff
0:31:28 > 0:31:34# Nice old geezer with a nasty cough
0:31:36 > 0:31:42# Sees my missus, takes his topper off
0:31:42 > 0:31:46# In a very gentlemanly way
0:31:49 > 0:31:56# "Ma'am", says he "I have some news to tell
0:31:56 > 0:32:03# "Your rich uncle Tom of Camberwell
0:32:04 > 0:32:10# "Popp'd off recent which ain't a sell
0:32:10 > 0:32:15# "Leaving you 'is little donkey shay."
0:32:16 > 0:32:18# Oh
0:32:20 > 0:32:25# "Wot-cher!" all the neighbours cried
0:32:25 > 0:32:28# "Who yer gonna meet, Bill?
0:32:28 > 0:32:31# "Have yer bought the street, Bill?"
0:32:31 > 0:32:35# Laugh! I thought I should 'ave died
0:32:35 > 0:32:38# Knock'd 'em in the Old Kent Road!
0:32:40 > 0:32:44# Some says nasty things about the moke
0:32:44 > 0:32:48# One cove thinks 'is leg is really broke
0:32:48 > 0:32:52# That's his envy cos we're carriage folk
0:32:52 > 0:32:54# Like the toffs as rides in Rotten Row!
0:32:54 > 0:32:56# Aha!
0:32:56 > 0:33:00# Straight! it woke the alley up a bit
0:33:00 > 0:33:05# Thought our lodger would 'ave 'ad a fit
0:33:05 > 0:33:10# When my missus who's a real wit
0:33:10 > 0:33:13# Says "I 'ates a bus because it's low!"
0:33:13 > 0:33:16# Oh...
0:33:16 > 0:33:19# "Wot-cher!" all the neighbours cried
0:33:19 > 0:33:22# "Who yer gonna meet, Bill?
0:33:22 > 0:33:24# "Have yer bought the street, Bill?"
0:33:24 > 0:33:28# Laugh! I thought I should 'ave died
0:33:28 > 0:33:31# Knock'd 'em in the Old Kent...
0:33:31 > 0:33:33# Knock'd 'em in the Old Kent...
0:33:33 > 0:33:35# Knock'd 'em in the Old Kent Road!
0:33:35 > 0:33:38# Dah-dah-lah-dah, bum, bum! #
0:33:38 > 0:33:39Whoo!
0:33:39 > 0:33:41APPLAUSE
0:33:43 > 0:33:45# And...
0:33:45 > 0:33:47# My old man...
0:33:47 > 0:33:49- ALL:- # ..said follow the van... # - You know it!
0:33:49 > 0:33:54# And don't dilly-dally on the way
0:33:54 > 0:33:59# Well, off went the van with the home packed in it
0:33:59 > 0:34:04# I followed on with me old cock linnet
0:34:04 > 0:34:07# But I dillied and I dallied
0:34:07 > 0:34:09# And I dallied and I dillied
0:34:09 > 0:34:13# I lost the van and don't know where to roam
0:34:13 > 0:34:19# But you can't trust these specials like the old time coppers
0:34:19 > 0:34:23# When you can't find your way home. #
0:34:23 > 0:34:26# Well...
0:34:30 > 0:34:35# Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner
0:34:35 > 0:34:39# That I love London town
0:34:40 > 0:34:44# Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner
0:34:44 > 0:34:48# That I think of her wherever I go
0:34:49 > 0:34:53# I get a funny feeling inside of me
0:34:53 > 0:34:58# When walking up and down
0:34:58 > 0:35:02# Oh, maybe it's because I'm a Londoner
0:35:02 > 0:35:06# That I love London Town. #
0:35:07 > 0:35:11# Well... #
0:35:11 > 0:35:15MILITARY DRUMS
0:35:15 > 0:35:19# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:35:19 > 0:35:22# It's a long way to go
0:35:22 > 0:35:27# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:35:27 > 0:35:31# To the sweetest guy that I know!
0:35:31 > 0:35:36# Oh, goodbye, Piccadilly
0:35:36 > 0:35:39# And farewell, Leicester Square!
0:35:39 > 0:35:45# It's a long, long way to Tipperary
0:35:45 > 0:35:48# But my heart's right there. #
0:35:49 > 0:35:51# So...
0:35:51 > 0:35:54# You...
0:35:54 > 0:35:56# Can...
0:35:56 > 0:36:01# Pack up all of my cares and woe
0:36:02 > 0:36:05# Here I go
0:36:05 > 0:36:07# And I'm singing kinda low
0:36:07 > 0:36:09# Bye-bye
0:36:10 > 0:36:14# Bye-bye, you little blackbird... #
0:36:14 > 0:36:16AUDIENCE MEMBER MIMICS BLACKBIRD
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Was that you?
0:36:18 > 0:36:23# Where somebody's waiting for me
0:36:23 > 0:36:25# Sugar's sweet
0:36:25 > 0:36:27# But not half as sweet as he
0:36:27 > 0:36:34# Bye-bye, you little blackbird
0:36:36 > 0:36:44# No-one can love or understand me
0:36:45 > 0:36:51# You wanna hear those hard luck stories
0:36:51 > 0:36:55# That they try to hand poor little me
0:36:55 > 0:36:58# So, you better make my bed
0:36:58 > 0:37:00# And light the light
0:37:00 > 0:37:03# Cos I'll be home
0:37:03 > 0:37:05# A little late tonight
0:37:05 > 0:37:12# Blackbird, bye-bye... #
0:37:12 > 0:37:14Yeah! Here we go!
0:37:16 > 0:37:20# No-one can love or understand me
0:37:20 > 0:37:23# You wanna hear those hard luck stories
0:37:23 > 0:37:25# They try to hand poor little me
0:37:25 > 0:37:28# So, make my bed and light the light
0:37:28 > 0:37:31# Cos I'll be home a little late tonight
0:37:31 > 0:37:35# Blackbird...
0:37:35 > 0:37:43# Bye-bye. #
0:38:06 > 0:38:09High altitudinous intrepidity...
0:38:09 > 0:38:11- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:38:11 > 0:38:17..perilous on the palpitant perimeter of impossibility.
0:38:17 > 0:38:21From Norway, the Duo Barodies!
0:43:00 > 0:43:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:17 > 0:43:22A much-requested tribute to Mr Bobby Howes
0:43:22 > 0:43:30from the ubiquitous Players Theatre and the unquenchable Mr John Inman!
0:43:42 > 0:43:45# Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
0:43:45 > 0:43:49# You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
0:43:49 > 0:43:54# Spread a little happiness as you go by
0:43:54 > 0:43:57# Please try
0:43:57 > 0:44:01# What's the use of worrying and feeling blue
0:44:01 > 0:44:04# When things go wrong, keep on smiling through
0:44:04 > 0:44:11# And spread a little happiness till dreams come true
0:44:11 > 0:44:19# Surely you'll be wise to make the best of every blues day
0:44:19 > 0:44:25# Don't you realise it may be Monday or next Tuesday
0:44:25 > 0:44:31# Your golden shoes day
0:44:31 > 0:44:35# Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
0:44:35 > 0:44:38# You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
0:44:38 > 0:44:44# Spread a little happiness as you go by. #
0:44:56 > 0:44:58APPLAUSE
0:44:58 > 0:45:01# Got a date with an angel
0:45:01 > 0:45:05# Going to meet her at seven
0:45:05 > 0:45:08# Got a date with an angel
0:45:08 > 0:45:13# And I'm on my way to heaven
0:45:13 > 0:45:16# It'll be sweet when I meet her
0:45:16 > 0:45:20# I'll be sweet when I greet her
0:45:20 > 0:45:23# Feel as proud as St Peter
0:45:23 > 0:45:27# Cos I'm on my way to heaven
0:45:28 > 0:45:32# Soon I'll hear the bells ring out
0:45:32 > 0:45:35# And the choir will sing out
0:45:35 > 0:45:39# And the pearly gates swing out
0:45:39 > 0:45:43# She'll beckon to me
0:45:43 > 0:45:48# I've been waiting a lifetime
0:45:48 > 0:45:51# For this evening at seven
0:45:51 > 0:45:54# Got a date with an angel
0:45:54 > 0:45:57# And I'm on my way to heaven. #
0:46:02 > 0:46:05# Life is just a bowl of cherries
0:46:05 > 0:46:07# Don't be so serious
0:46:07 > 0:46:09# Life's too mysterious
0:46:09 > 0:46:13# You work, you slave, you worry so
0:46:13 > 0:46:17# But you can't take your dough when you go, go, go
0:46:17 > 0:46:21# Keep repeating it's the berries
0:46:21 > 0:46:25# The strongest oak must fall
0:46:25 > 0:46:29# The sweet things in life to you are just loaned
0:46:29 > 0:46:33# So how can you lose what you've never owned?
0:46:33 > 0:46:37# Life is just a bowl of cherries
0:46:37 > 0:46:41# So live and laugh at it all
0:46:41 > 0:46:45# Life is just a bowl of cherries
0:46:45 > 0:46:47# Don't be so serious
0:46:47 > 0:46:48# Life's too mysterious
0:46:48 > 0:46:52# You work, you slave, you worry so
0:46:52 > 0:46:57# But you can't take your dough when you go, go, go
0:46:57 > 0:47:00# So, keep repeating it's the berries
0:47:00 > 0:47:04# The strongest oak must fall
0:47:04 > 0:47:08# The sweet things in life to you are just loaned
0:47:08 > 0:47:12# So how can you lose what you've never owned?
0:47:12 > 0:47:16# Life is just a bowl of cherries
0:47:16 > 0:47:20# So live and laugh at it all. #
0:47:21 > 0:47:24# Even when the darkest clouds are in the sky
0:47:24 > 0:47:28# You mustn't sigh and you mustn't cry
0:47:28 > 0:47:31# So spread a little happiness
0:47:31 > 0:47:39# As you go by. #
0:47:57 > 0:48:00There's only just time to ask Mr John Inman to lead the company
0:48:00 > 0:48:03and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,
0:48:03 > 0:48:05Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:48:05 > 0:48:07Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Inman, the entire company,
0:48:07 > 0:48:11Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...
0:48:11 > 0:48:14AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:48:14 > 0:48:19- ..and this time, chiefly... ALL:- ..yourself.
0:48:21 > 0:48:25ALL: # Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:48:25 > 0:48:27# Down at the old Bull And Bush
0:48:27 > 0:48:29# Da, da, da, da, da
0:48:29 > 0:48:33# Come, come drink some port wine with me
0:48:33 > 0:48:36# Down at the old Bull And Bush
0:48:36 > 0:48:38# Hear the little German band
0:48:38 > 0:48:40# Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
0:48:40 > 0:48:43# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:48:43 > 0:48:47# Do, do come and have a drink or two
0:48:47 > 0:48:52# Down at the old Bull And Bush. #
0:48:52 > 0:48:55CHEERING AND APPLAUSE