0:00:04 > 0:00:07# Let's all go to the music hall
0:00:07 > 0:00:10# Where the songs are gay and bright
0:00:10 > 0:00:14# Let's all go to the music hall
0:00:14 > 0:00:17# Where the stars are twinkling half the night
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# Whether you're in the gallery, the circle or the pit
0:00:21 > 0:00:24# Or whether you sit in the red plush stalls
0:00:24 > 0:00:28# When the busy day is done and you want to have some fun
0:00:28 > 0:00:31# Let's all go to the music hall. #
0:00:31 > 0:00:34APPLAUSE
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Wotcher, all the neighbours cried
0:00:41 > 0:00:44# Who yer going to meet, Bill? Have you bought the street, Bill?
0:00:44 > 0:00:47# Laugh, I thought I should have died
0:00:47 > 0:00:50# I knocked 'em in the Old Kent Road
0:00:50 > 0:00:52# Wotcher, all the neighbours cried
0:00:52 > 0:00:55# Who yer going to meet, Bill? Have you bought the street, Bill?
0:00:55 > 0:00:57# Laugh, I thought I should have died
0:00:57 > 0:01:00# I knocked them in the Old Kent Road
0:01:00 > 0:01:01# Wotcher. #
0:01:03 > 0:01:06# Daisy, Daisy
0:01:06 > 0:01:09# Give me your answer do
0:01:09 > 0:01:13# I'm half crazy
0:01:13 > 0:01:17# All for the love of you
0:01:17 > 0:01:21# It won't be a stylish marriage
0:01:21 > 0:01:25# I can't afford a carriage
0:01:25 > 0:01:29# But you'd look sweet upon the seat
0:01:29 > 0:01:32# Of a bicycle made for two. #
0:01:35 > 0:01:39# My old man said, follow the band
0:01:39 > 0:01:42# And don't dilly dally on the way
0:01:43 > 0:01:47# Off went the van with the home packed in it
0:01:47 > 0:01:51# I walked along with my old cock linnet
0:01:51 > 0:01:53# But I dillied and dallied
0:01:53 > 0:01:55# Dallied and dillied
0:01:55 > 0:01:58# Lost me way and don't know where to roam
0:01:58 > 0:02:02# You can't trust a special like the old time coppers
0:02:02 > 0:02:06# When you can't find your way home. #
0:02:11 > 0:02:16# We've been together now for 40 years
0:02:17 > 0:02:21# And it don't seem a day too much
0:02:23 > 0:02:28# There ain't a lady living in the land
0:02:29 > 0:02:33# As I'd swap for my dear old Dutch
0:02:35 > 0:02:39# There ain't a lady living in the land
0:02:40 > 0:02:43# As I'd swap
0:02:43 > 0:02:46# For my dear old Dutch. #
0:02:49 > 0:02:52# Boiled beef and carrots, boiled beef and carrots
0:02:52 > 0:02:55# That's the stuff for your darby-kel
0:02:55 > 0:02:57# Makes you fat and it keeps you well
0:02:57 > 0:03:00# Don't live like vegetarians on food they give to parrots
0:03:00 > 0:03:02# From morn till night, blow out your kite
0:03:02 > 0:03:04# On boiled beef and carrots. #
0:03:04 > 0:03:07# I like pickled onions, I like piccalilli
0:03:07 > 0:03:09# Pickled cabbage is all right
0:03:09 > 0:03:11# With a bit of cold meat on Sunday night
0:03:11 > 0:03:14# I can grow tomatoses but what I do prefer
0:03:14 > 0:03:17# Is a little bit of cu-cum cu-cum-cu-cum
0:03:17 > 0:03:19# A little bit of cucumber. #
0:03:19 > 0:03:22# Any old iron? Any old iron? Any, any, any old iron?
0:03:22 > 0:03:23# You look neat, talk about a treat
0:03:23 > 0:03:26# You look dapper from your napper to your feet
0:03:26 > 0:03:29# Dressed in style, brand-new tile and your father's old green tie on
0:03:29 > 0:03:31# I wouldn't give you tuppence for your watch and chain
0:03:31 > 0:03:33# Old iron, old iron
0:03:33 > 0:03:36# Any old iron? Any old iron? Any, any, any old iron?
0:03:36 > 0:03:38# You look sweet talk about a treat
0:03:38 > 0:03:40# You look dapper from your napper to yer feet
0:03:40 > 0:03:42# Dressed in style, with a brand-new tile
0:03:42 > 0:03:44# And your father's old green tie on
0:03:44 > 0:03:46# I wouldn't give you tuppence for your watch chain
0:03:46 > 0:03:48# Old iron, old iron!
0:03:48 > 0:03:50# Da-la-da-la-da-la, # Da-la-da-la-da-la
0:03:50 > 0:03:51# Dum-da-la-da-la-la, ole! #
0:03:51 > 0:03:53APPLAUSE
0:03:59 > 0:04:02DRUM ROLL AND FANFARE
0:04:07 > 0:04:09CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:18 > 0:04:23Once again, good evening ladies and gentlemen!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27- AUDIENCE:- Good evening.
0:04:27 > 0:04:31Your warmth of welcome for our newest newcomer -
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Miss Joan Merrigan.
0:04:34 > 0:04:37APPLAUSE
0:04:44 > 0:04:50# My lords and ladies, I salute you
0:04:51 > 0:04:55# A mortal from another sphere
0:04:58 > 0:05:01# I do not mean to persecute you
0:05:02 > 0:05:06# It seems my presence does not suit you
0:05:07 > 0:05:10# And yet the truth
0:05:10 > 0:05:14# Is all too clear
0:05:14 > 0:05:20# And yet the truth is all too clear
0:05:21 > 0:05:23# The simple fact is
0:05:23 > 0:05:28# I am here
0:05:37 > 0:05:40# I humbly bow before your graces
0:05:40 > 0:05:43# A beggar maid of low degree
0:05:43 > 0:05:45# A creature of the open spaces
0:05:45 > 0:05:50# My only wealth, my liberty
0:05:52 > 0:05:54# Last night I was a poor musician
0:05:54 > 0:05:57# It is surprising, I confess
0:05:57 > 0:06:01# Today, after a transition
0:06:03 > 0:06:09# I find myself a baroness
0:06:14 > 0:06:19# My father was a worthy member
0:06:19 > 0:06:22# Of that elite, the human race
0:06:22 > 0:06:26# His name, alas, I can't remember
0:06:26 > 0:06:30# Nor have I ever seen his face
0:06:30 > 0:06:32# Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah
0:06:32 > 0:06:37# Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah-ah
0:06:37 > 0:06:40# Ah-ah-ah
0:06:41 > 0:06:44# Ah-ah-ah
0:06:44 > 0:06:50# Hah-hah. #
0:06:51 > 0:06:54APPLAUSE
0:06:59 > 0:07:02- AUDIENCE:- More! More!
0:07:21 > 0:07:23# In Dublin's fair city
0:07:23 > 0:07:27# Where the girls are so pretty
0:07:27 > 0:07:32# I first set my eyes on Sweet Molly Malone
0:07:34 > 0:07:36# As she wheeled her wheelbarrow
0:07:36 > 0:07:39# Through streets broad and narrow
0:07:39 > 0:07:43# Crying cockles and mussels
0:07:43 > 0:07:46# Alive, alive-oh
0:07:48 > 0:07:50# Alive, alive-oh
0:07:52 > 0:07:54# Alive, alive-oh
0:07:55 > 0:07:59# Crying cockles and mussels
0:07:59 > 0:08:02# Alive, alive-oh
0:08:04 > 0:08:07# She was a fishmonger
0:08:07 > 0:08:10# And sure it was no wonder
0:08:10 > 0:08:16# For so were her father and mother before
0:08:17 > 0:08:20# And they both wheeled their barrow
0:08:20 > 0:08:23# Through streets broad and narrow
0:08:23 > 0:08:26# Crying cockles and mussels
0:08:26 > 0:08:31# Alive, alive-oh
0:08:31 > 0:08:34# Alive, alive-oh
0:08:34 > 0:08:38# Alive, alive-oh
0:08:38 > 0:08:41# Crying cockles and mussels
0:08:41 > 0:08:45# Alive, alive-oh
0:08:47 > 0:08:51# She died of a fever
0:08:51 > 0:08:54# And no-one could save her
0:08:55 > 0:09:01# And that was the end of sweet Molly Malone
0:09:02 > 0:09:06# Now her ghost wheels her barrow
0:09:06 > 0:09:09# Through streets broad and narrow
0:09:09 > 0:09:13# Crying cockles and mussels
0:09:13 > 0:09:16# Alive, alive-oh
0:09:18 > 0:09:22# Alive, alive-oh
0:09:22 > 0:09:26# Alive, alive-oh
0:09:26 > 0:09:30# Crying cockles and mussels
0:09:30 > 0:09:34# Alive, alive-oh
0:09:35 > 0:09:39# Alive, alive-oh
0:09:39 > 0:09:43# Alive, a live-oh
0:09:43 > 0:09:48# Crying cockles and mussels
0:09:48 > 0:09:54# Alive, alive-oh! #
0:09:56 > 0:09:59APPLAUSE
0:10:18 > 0:10:20Inexhaustible,
0:10:20 > 0:10:22in anecdotally,
0:10:22 > 0:10:24persiflagenous..
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- AUDIENCE:- Ooooh!
0:10:26 > 0:10:29From persiflage.
0:10:29 > 0:10:30..flippancies,
0:10:30 > 0:10:33Mr Peter Hudson!
0:10:33 > 0:10:36APPLAUSE
0:10:46 > 0:10:49Thank you, thank you, very much. Good evening ladies and gentlemen.
0:10:49 > 0:10:51- AUDIENCE:- Evening.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53I tell what, I'll try you out for laughs
0:10:53 > 0:10:54to see which is the funnier side.
0:10:54 > 0:10:57I'll try over here first you see just to see what you're like here.
0:10:57 > 0:11:00I don't want you to laugh over there, else I'll get cross.
0:11:00 > 0:11:02Just this side first you see.
0:11:02 > 0:11:05A fellow walks into a pub with a penguin under his arm.
0:11:05 > 0:11:08SQUEAKING NOISE
0:11:09 > 0:11:11HE SQUEAKS
0:11:11 > 0:11:12The man behind the counter said,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14"What are you doing with that penguin?"
0:11:14 > 0:11:17He said, "I just found it sitting in a deckchair on the...
0:11:17 > 0:11:21"..on the beach in Blackpool trying to get that white bit brown."
0:11:21 > 0:11:24AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:11:29 > 0:11:32"And he hadn't paid his deckchair..."
0:11:32 > 0:11:34Keep still while I'm talking.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36"So I've got him with me now."
0:11:36 > 0:11:38"What are you going to do with him?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:41He said, "I don't know, I've never found a penguin before."
0:11:41 > 0:11:43"If I were you, I'd take that penguin to the zoo."
0:11:43 > 0:11:45He said, "That's what I'll do." So off he went.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Two hours later the same fella walked into the pub
0:11:48 > 0:11:51- with a penguin under his arm. - HE SQUEAKS
0:11:51 > 0:11:52The man behind the counter said,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54"Is that the same penguin I saw you with two hours ago?"
0:11:54 > 0:11:56He said, "Yeah, it is."
0:11:56 > 0:11:59He said, "Didn't you take him to the zoo like I told you to?"
0:11:59 > 0:12:00He said, "Yes, I did. He enjoyed it.
0:12:00 > 0:12:03"I'm going to take him to the pictures now."
0:12:03 > 0:12:05AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:12:12 > 0:12:15Now, I love animal stories and what I must tell you is there was
0:12:15 > 0:12:20an elephant and a kangaroo and they were talking to one another.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23And the kangaroo says to the elephant...
0:12:25 > 0:12:27- IN NASAL VOICE:- "Now...
0:12:28 > 0:12:31"Now, I tell you what we're going to do."
0:12:31 > 0:12:33This is the kangaroo talking.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35"I tell you what we're going to do,
0:12:35 > 0:12:37"we're going to rob a jeweller's shop."
0:12:37 > 0:12:40So, the elephant said, "Yes, we're going to rob a jeweller's shop."
0:12:44 > 0:12:47"Now, we'll drive up outside this jeweller's shop..."
0:12:47 > 0:12:49"We'll drive up outside this jeweller's shop."
0:12:51 > 0:12:52"We'll get out the car..."
0:12:52 > 0:12:54"We'll get out the car."
0:12:54 > 0:12:57"You'll chuck a brick through the window with your trunk."
0:12:57 > 0:12:59"I'll chuck a brick through the window with my trunk."
0:12:59 > 0:13:02"I'll grab the jewels and stuff them in my pouch."
0:13:02 > 0:13:04"You'll grab the jewels and stuff them in your pouch."
0:13:04 > 0:13:06AUDIENCE GIGGLES
0:13:08 > 0:13:10"We'll get back in the car...
0:13:10 > 0:13:12"We'll get back in the car."
0:13:12 > 0:13:14"Noff, noff."
0:13:15 > 0:13:17"Why noff, noff?"
0:13:17 > 0:13:19"I've just caught my trunk in the door."
0:13:19 > 0:13:22AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:13:22 > 0:13:25"And we'll head away on our tyres double-sharp round the corner."
0:13:25 > 0:13:26"We'll head away on our...?" "Tyres."
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"Tyres." "Double-sharp..."
0:13:28 > 0:13:30"Double-sharp."
0:13:30 > 0:13:31"Sharp." "Sharp."
0:13:31 > 0:13:33"Round the corner." "Round the...?"
0:13:33 > 0:13:35"Corner." "Corner."
0:13:35 > 0:13:38"And take your trunk out of my pouch when I'm talking to you."
0:13:40 > 0:13:43So this is what they did. They drove up outside the jewellers shop.
0:13:43 > 0:13:45They got out of the car.
0:13:45 > 0:13:47The elephant threw the brick through the window,
0:13:47 > 0:13:50the kangaroo grabbed the jewels...
0:13:50 > 0:13:52..stuffed them in his pouch...
0:13:52 > 0:13:55RATCHET NOISE
0:14:01 > 0:14:03They jumped back in the car,
0:14:03 > 0:14:05"Noff, noff".
0:14:05 > 0:14:07LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:15And they headed away on the tyres double-sharp round the corner.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:14:17 > 0:14:21Standing on the corner of the road was a chap in a flat hat.
0:14:21 > 0:14:23He had seen all this happen.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33Round the corner came a panda car, out gets a panda.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43Says, "Allo, 'allo, 'allo, 'allo."
0:14:44 > 0:14:46"Did you see what happened?
0:14:46 > 0:14:48He said, "As a matter of fact, I did.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52"You're not going to believe this."
0:14:54 > 0:14:56AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:14:58 > 0:15:01"He said, "You're not the same chap with the penguin, are you?"
0:15:01 > 0:15:04- He said, "No." - LAUGHTER
0:15:06 > 0:15:09"Round the corner came a car.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"Out got an elephant and a kangaroo."
0:15:14 > 0:15:16He said, "What was the make of the car?"
0:15:21 > 0:15:24"Well," he said, "It was a Mini."
0:15:24 > 0:15:26AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:15:27 > 0:15:30"Convertible."
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Well, it was when the elephant got out of it!
0:15:35 > 0:15:37HE COUGHS
0:15:37 > 0:15:39"And this elephant, he got out,
0:15:39 > 0:15:41"he chucked the brick through the window with his trunk,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44"the kangaroo grabbed the jewels, stuffed them in his pouch.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46"They jumped back into the car
0:15:46 > 0:15:49"and they headed away on their tyres double-sharp round the corner."
0:15:49 > 0:15:51So the policeman said, "I see.
0:15:51 > 0:15:54"Now tell me, would you be able to recognise these two again
0:15:54 > 0:15:56"if you saw them?"
0:15:56 > 0:15:58He said, "No." "Why not?"
0:15:58 > 0:16:01"They had nylon stockings pulled over their heads."
0:16:01 > 0:16:03AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:16:03 > 0:16:05APPLAUSE
0:16:19 > 0:16:22The impendimentor of illusion...
0:16:24 > 0:16:29..adumbrates the advent of an exemplary exhibition
0:16:29 > 0:16:36and exposition of pyrotechnical percussiveness.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40A xylophone player.
0:16:41 > 0:16:45From Switzerland, Mr Ralph Heid.
0:16:47 > 0:16:49APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:18Hey!
0:20:20 > 0:20:22APPLAUSE
0:20:33 > 0:20:36That's what I call ambidextrous.
0:20:36 > 0:20:40And now, insidiously sonorous,
0:20:40 > 0:20:46romanticising serenading resonances
0:20:46 > 0:20:49from Mr Paul Rhodes.
0:20:51 > 0:20:53BRASS SECTION PLAYS
0:21:00 > 0:21:02# Maybe I'm right
0:21:02 > 0:21:04# And maybe I'm wrong
0:21:04 > 0:21:06# Maybe I'm weak
0:21:06 > 0:21:07# And maybe I'm strong
0:21:07 > 0:21:10# But nevertheless I'm in love
0:21:12 > 0:21:14# With you
0:21:16 > 0:21:18# Maybe I'll win
0:21:18 > 0:21:21# Maybe I'll lose
0:21:21 > 0:21:25# Maybe I'm in for singing the blues
0:21:25 > 0:21:28# But nevertheless I'm in love
0:21:28 > 0:21:31# With you
0:21:31 > 0:21:35# Somehow I knew at a glance
0:21:35 > 0:21:41# The terrible chances I'm taking
0:21:41 > 0:21:43# Right from the start
0:21:43 > 0:21:49# Left with a heart that was breaking
0:21:49 > 0:21:51# Maybe I'll live
0:21:51 > 0:21:53# A life of regrets
0:21:53 > 0:21:57# Maybe I'll give much more than I get
0:21:58 > 0:22:01# But nevertheless I'm in love
0:22:01 > 0:22:04# With you. #
0:22:06 > 0:22:10# Once in love with Amy
0:22:10 > 0:22:14# Always in love with Amy
0:22:14 > 0:22:18# Ever and ever fascinated by her
0:22:18 > 0:22:22# Set her heart to fire to stay
0:22:22 > 0:22:27# Once you're kissed by Amy
0:22:27 > 0:22:31# Tear up your list, it's Amy
0:22:31 > 0:22:33# Ply her with bonbons
0:22:33 > 0:22:35# Poetry and flowers
0:22:35 > 0:22:39# Moon a million hours away
0:22:39 > 0:22:43# You might be quite the fickle-hearted rover
0:22:43 > 0:22:46# So carefree and bold
0:22:47 > 0:22:51# You love a girl and then you say it's over
0:22:51 > 0:22:55# And then quit cold
0:22:55 > 0:23:00# But once in love with Amy
0:23:00 > 0:23:04# Always in love with Amy
0:23:04 > 0:23:06# Ever and ever
0:23:06 > 0:23:08# Sweetly you'll romance her
0:23:08 > 0:23:12# But I know the answer will be
0:23:12 > 0:23:17# That Amy'd rather stay in love
0:23:17 > 0:23:22# With me. #
0:23:25 > 0:23:28# And when I told them
0:23:29 > 0:23:34# How beautiful you are
0:23:34 > 0:23:38# They'd never believe me
0:23:38 > 0:23:41# They'd never believe me
0:23:42 > 0:23:45# Your lips, your eyes
0:23:45 > 0:23:47# Your cheeks, your hair
0:23:47 > 0:23:52# Are in a class beyond compare
0:23:52 > 0:23:56# You're the loveliest girl
0:23:56 > 0:24:01# I've ever seen
0:24:01 > 0:24:05# And when I tell them
0:24:05 > 0:24:10# And I'm certainly going to tell them
0:24:10 > 0:24:17# That I'm a man whose wife one day you'll be
0:24:19 > 0:24:23# They'll never believe me
0:24:23 > 0:24:28# They'll never believe me
0:24:28 > 0:24:32# That in this great big world
0:24:32 > 0:24:38# You've chosen
0:24:38 > 0:24:43# Me. #
0:24:43 > 0:24:47APPLAUSE
0:25:02 > 0:25:05Illimitable,
0:25:05 > 0:25:07in legerdemain,
0:25:07 > 0:25:09the thaumaturgical...
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:25:13 > 0:25:15- You ought to be used to me by now! - LAUGHTER
0:25:15 > 0:25:19Apotheosis of mystification.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21- Oh!- Magic.
0:25:21 > 0:25:23- Ah.- From Sweden,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25Eve 'n' Alan!
0:25:26 > 0:25:29APPLAUSE AND BAND PLAYS
0:26:35 > 0:26:38APPLAUSE
0:27:22 > 0:27:25APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:55APPLAUSE
0:31:05 > 0:31:09APPLAUSE
0:31:23 > 0:31:27Tantalising tonalities
0:31:27 > 0:31:31in troubadour triplicity.
0:31:31 > 0:31:35Sweet substitutes.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58# I'm puttin' on my top hat
0:31:58 > 0:32:01# Tyin' up my white tie
0:32:01 > 0:32:03# Brushin' off my tails
0:32:05 > 0:32:09# I'm dudin' up my shirt front
0:32:10 > 0:32:13# Puttin' in the shirt studs
0:32:13 > 0:32:15# Polishin' my nails
0:32:15 > 0:32:20# I'm steppin' out, my dear To breathe an atmosphere
0:32:20 > 0:32:23# That simply reeks with class
0:32:23 > 0:32:26# And I trust that you'll excuse my dust
0:32:26 > 0:32:28# When I step on the gas
0:32:28 > 0:32:31# For I'll be there
0:32:31 > 0:32:33# Puttin' down my top hat
0:32:33 > 0:32:37# Mussin' up my white tie
0:32:37 > 0:32:39# Dancin' in my tails
0:32:44 > 0:32:47# Foddly ho, foddly ho
0:32:47 > 0:32:51# Ba-la-lah
0:32:51 > 0:32:54# La, la, la, ooh
0:32:55 > 0:32:58# I've rented a suit
0:32:58 > 0:33:01# I'll be a king just for a day
0:33:01 > 0:33:03# Cos I'm happy
0:33:03 > 0:33:05# Lord, lordy I'm happy
0:33:07 > 0:33:08# Borrowed a hat
0:33:08 > 0:33:10# Shoes got a shine
0:33:10 > 0:33:13# I've got a date quarter to nine
0:33:13 > 0:33:15# When I'm dancing
0:33:15 > 0:33:19# Everybody there's dancing
0:33:19 > 0:33:22# I look keen and what I mean
0:33:22 > 0:33:24# I simply reek with class
0:33:25 > 0:33:28# On my way excuse my dust
0:33:28 > 0:33:31# When I step on the gas
0:33:33 > 0:33:34# Back in my room
0:33:34 > 0:33:39# Popcorn at night I'm dressed like a groom while I'm dancing
0:33:39 > 0:33:42# I'm happy cos I'm dancing
0:33:42 > 0:33:46# That's the reason that I'm...
0:33:46 > 0:33:49# Puttin' on my top hat
0:33:49 > 0:33:51# Tyin' up my white tie
0:33:52 > 0:33:55# Brushin' off my tails
0:33:55 > 0:33:57# I'm so happy cos I'm
0:33:57 > 0:34:00# Duding up my shirt front
0:34:01 > 0:34:06# Putting in my shirt studs polishing my nails
0:34:08 > 0:34:11# Fa, la, doo, ba, doo, bam
0:34:11 > 0:34:13# I'm steppin' off the gas
0:34:13 > 0:34:17# Ba-da, ba, ba, ba-da, boo
0:34:17 > 0:34:20# Baby, step on the gas now
0:34:20 > 0:34:23# I'm gonna be there
0:34:23 > 0:34:26# Puttin' down my top hat
0:34:26 > 0:34:29# Mussing up my white tie
0:34:29 > 0:34:32# I'm gonna be there dancing in my tails! #
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Magniloquence,
0:34:50 > 0:34:56luminary of lugubrious lucubrations.
0:34:57 > 0:35:01The one and only Mr Les Dawson.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05APPLAUSE
0:35:27 > 0:35:30I have often heard it said that an artist can tell if the
0:35:30 > 0:35:34audience like him by the warmth and enthusiasm in their applause.
0:35:34 > 0:35:37If that's true, all that is left for me to say in response is
0:35:37 > 0:35:42quite simply, good evening, welcome to the show and...
0:35:42 > 0:35:44BAND PLAYS
0:35:47 > 0:35:50Who made me say that? That was unforgivable.
0:35:50 > 0:35:53I can only crave your indulgence and put it down to the fact that
0:35:53 > 0:35:58I have had a couple of traumatic experiences in my life.
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Last Monday, after 15 happy years,
0:36:00 > 0:36:03my dear wife run away with the fellow next door and,
0:36:03 > 0:36:05ooh, I do miss him!
0:36:13 > 0:36:16Last night I was sat at the bottom of my garden, smoking
0:36:16 > 0:36:21a reflective cheroot thinking about this and that, mostly that...
0:36:27 > 0:36:31And as I gazed at the night sky, that vast celestial canopy,
0:36:31 > 0:36:34a feeling, a sense of profound awe came over me
0:36:34 > 0:36:38as I looked to the myriads of stars twinkling like pieces of
0:36:38 > 0:36:43quicksilver thrown carelessly onto black velvet, my senses,
0:36:43 > 0:36:46my very pulse raced at the sight of the waxen moon riding
0:36:46 > 0:36:50high across the heavens towards the black void
0:36:50 > 0:36:53wherein the tethered bulks of Jupiter and Mars hung festooned
0:36:53 > 0:36:55for all time...
0:37:00 > 0:37:03..in their orbital majesty. Ladies and gentlemen,
0:37:03 > 0:37:06I sat there and thought I must put some slates on this lavatory!
0:37:17 > 0:37:20Suddenly from the heavens streaked
0:37:20 > 0:37:22a ball of fire, which landed
0:37:22 > 0:37:25right in my garden, right in the middle of a clump of gladioli.
0:37:27 > 0:37:31Incinerated the lawn and scorched the desire from a rumpant Tom.
0:37:36 > 0:37:40I should have said rampant but that is how bad it was, it was rumpant.
0:37:40 > 0:37:44Now despite what it says in my Army discharge book, I am not alarmist.
0:37:45 > 0:37:47But can you imagine how I felt
0:37:47 > 0:37:51when a hole appeared in the side of the metal sphere
0:37:51 > 0:37:54and a creature emerged, tottered, is a better word,
0:37:54 > 0:37:58a tall thin green man with enormous ears. I have never seen ears so big.
0:37:58 > 0:38:01It looked like a corroded wing nut.
0:38:06 > 0:38:09This creature tottered towards me and went...
0:38:11 > 0:38:15Somehow I found my tongue which was in my mouth all the time.
0:38:15 > 0:38:17Handy place to keep it, actually.
0:38:19 > 0:38:22I said, "Oh, space traveller, where are you from. The moon?"
0:38:23 > 0:38:26And the thing replied, "Yes!"
0:38:29 > 0:38:33I said, "How long has it taken you to come from the moon to Earth?"
0:38:33 > 0:38:36The thing said, "50 million light years. And a fortnight."
0:38:40 > 0:38:44I said, "That's a long time to spend in a small iron ball.
0:38:44 > 0:38:46"Welcome to Earth, what can I do for you?"
0:38:46 > 0:38:47He said, "Can I use your toilet?"
0:39:00 > 0:39:03No, I told that story to the mother-in-law last night
0:39:03 > 0:39:05and she nearly died laughing.
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Still, better luck next time.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11Well, I must say it is a great pleasure to be appearing once
0:39:11 > 0:39:15more in this delightfully furnished theatrical cupboard.
0:39:17 > 0:39:20It's always got such a nice atmosphere, this place.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23It is like having a birthday. As soon as you walk in, it puts years on you.
0:39:24 > 0:39:27Don't you find it warm in here? Do you find it warm?
0:39:27 > 0:39:30I haven't been this hot since I paid the rates twice.
0:39:33 > 0:39:35They used to be air-conditioned in here, you know
0:39:35 > 0:39:37but somebody killed the bat.
0:39:44 > 0:39:46Mind you, it could be me.
0:39:46 > 0:39:49I don't wish to appear to seek sympathy
0:39:49 > 0:39:52but I haven't been well. I went to the doctor last week,
0:39:52 > 0:39:55I said, "What's good for incessant wind?" He gave me a kite!
0:40:05 > 0:40:07I was on the way out, he pointed to a bottle on the shelf.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10He said, "Do me a sample in there." I said, "What, from down here?"
0:40:19 > 0:40:22I thought, if I can do that, there can't be much wrong with me.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Mind you, I don't think much of this doctor of ours.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31I am not saying he's old-fashioned
0:40:31 > 0:40:34but when he lances a boil he does it on horseback.
0:40:42 > 0:40:46You see you can sit there and smirk but you don't know what life is.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49Life seems to be a matter of choice, if you are lucky, I am not lucky.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52Dame Fortune has never once smiled on me.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55AUDIENCE: Awww!
0:40:55 > 0:40:58I bought some bananas last week and when I peeled them they were empty!
0:41:09 > 0:41:13I backed a horse in the Grand National and it fell in the paddock.
0:41:17 > 0:41:19But one tries and may I say that if you are ever around where
0:41:19 > 0:41:23I live because you have been such a superb audience tonight,
0:41:23 > 0:41:25the complete liquefaction of corybantics.
0:41:29 > 0:41:33Should you ever be where I live, don't hesitate to call
0:41:33 > 0:41:35and believe me the front door is always open.
0:41:35 > 0:41:38We can't shut the bloody thing!
0:41:38 > 0:41:41APPLAUSE
0:41:58 > 0:42:04Triumphal in transatlantic tune twinning, once again
0:42:04 > 0:42:10the Players Theatre with Miss Julia Sutton and Miss Eleanor McCready.
0:42:22 > 0:42:26# East End, West End
0:42:26 > 0:42:29# All around the town
0:42:30 > 0:42:34# The kids play Ring O' Roses
0:42:34 > 0:42:37# London Bridge is falling down
0:42:37 > 0:42:41# Boys and girls together
0:42:41 > 0:42:44# Me and Johnnie Brown
0:42:44 > 0:42:48# Trip the light fantastic
0:42:48 > 0:42:51# On the streets of London town
0:42:53 > 0:42:57# East side, west side
0:42:57 > 0:43:00# All around the town
0:43:00 > 0:43:05# The kids play Ring O' Roses
0:43:05 > 0:43:09# Brooklyn Bridge is falling down
0:43:09 > 0:43:15# Boys and girls together
0:43:15 > 0:43:19# Me and Jonnie O'Rourke
0:43:19 > 0:43:22# Trip the light fantastic
0:43:22 > 0:43:28# On the sidewalks of New York
0:43:28 > 0:43:31# Give my regards to Broadway
0:43:31 > 0:43:35# Remember me to Herald Square
0:43:35 > 0:43:42# Tell all the gang at 42nd Street that I will soon be there
0:43:42 > 0:43:46# Tell them of how I'm yearning
0:43:46 > 0:43:49# To mingle with the old time throng
0:43:49 > 0:43:53# Give my regards to old Broadway
0:43:53 > 0:43:57# And tell 'em I'll be there, 'ere long
0:43:57 > 0:44:00# Come with me down Regent Street
0:44:00 > 0:44:04# Come with me down Regent Street
0:44:04 > 0:44:08# No more strolling down the Strand
0:44:08 > 0:44:11# Strolling down the Strand isn't half so grand
0:44:11 > 0:44:15# So come with me down Regent Street
0:44:15 > 0:44:19# Everyone will dream
0:44:23 > 0:44:26# If you'll come down Regent Street
0:44:33 > 0:44:38# She's the belle of New York
0:44:38 > 0:44:42# The subject of all the town talk
0:44:43 > 0:44:46# She makes the old Bowery
0:44:46 > 0:44:48# Fragrant and flowery
0:44:48 > 0:44:53# When she goes out for a walk
0:44:53 > 0:44:58# She's soft as a snowy white dove
0:44:58 > 0:45:05# She's simply created to love
0:45:05 > 0:45:10# The fellas all sigh for her
0:45:10 > 0:45:15# They would all die for her
0:45:15 > 0:45:19# She is the belle of New York
0:45:21 > 0:45:26# While London sleeps
0:45:26 > 0:45:32# And all the lamps are gleaming
0:45:32 > 0:45:37# A million of its people
0:45:37 > 0:45:43# All lie sweetly dreaming
0:45:43 > 0:45:48# Some have no homes
0:45:48 > 0:45:54# And o'er their sorrows weep
0:45:54 > 0:45:58# Others laugh and play the game
0:45:58 > 0:46:05# While London's fast asleep
0:46:08 > 0:46:14# The bowery, the bowery
0:46:14 > 0:46:20# They say such things and do such things
0:46:20 > 0:46:25# The Bowery! The Bowery!
0:46:26 > 0:46:32# I'll never go there any more
0:46:32 > 0:46:36# The Bowery! The Bowery!
0:46:36 > 0:46:40# They say such things and do such things
0:46:40 > 0:46:45# The Bowery! The Bowery!
0:46:45 > 0:46:48# I'll never go there any more
0:46:48 > 0:46:53# If Margate was down in Regent Street
0:46:53 > 0:46:56# Blackpool in Leicester Square
0:46:56 > 0:47:00# If the Isle of Man were somewhere down the Strand
0:47:00 > 0:47:03# Oh, it would be grand, listening to the band
0:47:03 > 0:47:07# If Brighton fair was in Trafalgar Square
0:47:07 > 0:47:09# Piccadilly all surrounded by the sea
0:47:10 > 0:47:14# You could bathe with all the boys down Bond Street
0:47:14 > 0:47:17# What a grand place London Town would be
0:47:17 > 0:47:21# Columbus discovered America
0:47:21 > 0:47:25# Hudson discovered New York
0:47:25 > 0:47:28# Benjamin Franklin discovered the spark
0:47:28 > 0:47:32# That Edison discovered would light up the dark
0:47:32 > 0:47:35# Marconi discovered the wireless telegraph
0:47:35 > 0:47:39# Across the ocean blue
0:47:39 > 0:47:42# But the greatest discovery was when you discovered me
0:47:42 > 0:47:46# And I discovered you
0:47:46 > 0:47:49- COMPANY:- # Columbus discovered America
0:47:49 > 0:47:53# Hudson discovered New York
0:47:53 > 0:47:56# Benjamin Franklin discovered the spark
0:47:56 > 0:48:00# That Edison discovered would light up the dark
0:48:00 > 0:48:03# Marconi discovered the wireless telegraph
0:48:03 > 0:48:07# Across the ocean blue
0:48:07 > 0:48:10# But the greatest discovery was when you discovered me
0:48:10 > 0:48:18# And I discovered you-u-u-u-u
0:48:20 > 0:48:22# And you! #
0:48:34 > 0:48:37There is only just time to ask Mr Les Dawson to lead
0:48:37 > 0:48:39the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,
0:48:39 > 0:48:41Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:48:41 > 0:48:44Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Les Dawson and the entire company,
0:48:44 > 0:48:47Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and undefeated orchestra...
0:48:47 > 0:48:52APPLAUSE
0:48:59 > 0:49:05# Come, come, come and make eyes at me down at the Old Bull And Bush
0:49:07 > 0:49:10# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:49:10 > 0:49:13# Down at the Old Bull And Bush
0:49:14 > 0:49:17# Hear the little German band Da-da-da-da-da-da-da
0:49:17 > 0:49:21# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:49:21 > 0:49:25# Do, do, come and have a drink or two
0:49:25 > 0:49:29# Down at the Old Bull and Bush. #