0:00:19 > 0:00:21FANFARE
0:00:24 > 0:00:26APPLAUSE
0:00:33 > 0:00:36AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:00:36 > 0:00:39Once again,
0:00:39 > 0:00:44good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:44 > 0:00:46- AUDIENCE:- Good evening.
0:00:46 > 0:00:49Fantasmagorically...
0:00:49 > 0:00:52- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:00:52 > 0:00:55Gives me time to think of the next word!
0:00:55 > 0:00:58Efflorescence
0:00:58 > 0:01:03In...in pantomimicry, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Festival offerings, flamboyancies,
0:01:07 > 0:01:14with the Players' Theatre plus Mr John Inman!
0:01:14 > 0:01:16APPLAUSE
0:01:20 > 0:01:22HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:30# We all have a jolly good time
0:01:30 > 0:01:33# With the dame in the pantomime
0:01:33 > 0:01:36# For she is the one who will start off the fun
0:01:36 > 0:01:40# And the hero is always her favourite son
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- # Robin Hood - Aladdin
0:01:42 > 0:01:44- # Dick Whittington - And Jack
0:01:44 > 0:01:46# Tell us stories in song and in rhyme
0:01:46 > 0:01:50# It's the time of the year when the children all cheer
0:01:50 > 0:01:53# For the dame in a pantomime
0:01:53 > 0:01:58# For the dame in the pantomime
0:01:58 > 0:02:01# Let's have a song about the boys
0:02:01 > 0:02:04# About the boys, about the boys
0:02:04 > 0:02:08# Beanstalk Jack, Aladdin, Robin Hood
0:02:08 > 0:02:12# Whittington and the charming Puss in Boots
0:02:12 > 0:02:15# Let's have a song about the boys
0:02:15 > 0:02:19# About the boys, about the boys
0:02:19 > 0:02:22# All together let us stick with this and sing
0:02:22 > 0:02:25# So, let's have a song about the boys. #
0:02:28 > 0:02:30Robin Hood.
0:02:35 > 0:02:37Beanstalk Jack.
0:02:42 > 0:02:44Aladdin.
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Dick Whittington.
0:02:53 > 0:02:56And now we present Prince Charming.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59- Are you free?- I'm free!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15AUDIENCE LAUGHS
0:03:24 > 0:03:27APPLAUSE
0:03:34 > 0:03:36They're heavy, aren't they?
0:03:38 > 0:03:40How do you manage them?
0:03:42 > 0:03:44They're making me round-shouldered.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49At least I can hang mine up for half an hour! That's more than you.
0:03:51 > 0:03:54# Put me amongst the girls
0:03:55 > 0:03:57# Put me amongst the girls
0:03:59 > 0:04:01# Do me a favour, do
0:04:02 > 0:04:05# I know I'll do the same to you
0:04:05 > 0:04:07# Put me amongst the girls
0:04:09 > 0:04:11# Those with the curly curls
0:04:12 > 0:04:15# They enjoy themselves and so will I
0:04:15 > 0:04:17# Put me amongst the girls
0:04:20 > 0:04:23# There ain't no sense sitting on the fence
0:04:23 > 0:04:26# All by yourself in the moonlight
0:04:27 > 0:04:30# There ain't no thrill by a water mill
0:04:30 > 0:04:33# All by yourself in the moonlight
0:04:33 > 0:04:37# There ain't no fun sitting beneath the trees
0:04:37 > 0:04:40# Giving yourself a hug, giving yourself a squeeze
0:04:40 > 0:04:43# Life's a farce sitting on the grass
0:04:43 > 0:04:46# All by yourself in the moonlight
0:04:51 > 0:04:54# Give yourself a pat on the back, pat on the back, pat on the back
0:04:54 > 0:04:58# Say to yourself, we're all in good health, we've had a good day today
0:04:58 > 0:05:01# Yesterday was full of trouble and sorrow
0:05:01 > 0:05:04# Nobody knows what's going to happen tomorrow
0:05:04 > 0:05:06# So give yourself a pat on the back
0:05:06 > 0:05:08# Pat on the back, a pat on the back
0:05:08 > 0:05:10# Say to yourself, it's jolly good health
0:05:10 > 0:05:12# We've had a good day today
0:05:12 > 0:05:14# Had a good day, had a good day, had such a perfectly good day
0:05:14 > 0:05:17# Today! #
0:05:17 > 0:05:20APPLAUSE
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I promise you, you will have Mr John Inman
0:05:29 > 0:05:33and the Players' Theatre once again later on in the programme.
0:05:33 > 0:05:38But now, we proudly present for your approbation, a newcomer
0:05:38 > 0:05:44and herald harbinger of uninhibited Hebraic hilarity.
0:05:44 > 0:05:46- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:05:46 > 0:05:48Jewish jokes.
0:05:48 > 0:05:52Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Bernard Spear.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55APPLAUSE
0:06:00 > 0:06:02Good evening, shalom.
0:06:02 > 0:06:04- AUDIENCE:- Shalom.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06There you are, you see, I've been on five seconds,
0:06:06 > 0:06:09already you're speaking another language.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Did you see the Prince Charming come on there? What a lovely boy.
0:06:12 > 0:06:15Couldn't fall flat on his face if he tried.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19It's Leonard Sachs.
0:06:19 > 0:06:22May I always say it's always been a pleasure
0:06:22 > 0:06:25and it always will continue to be a happy new year.
0:06:25 > 0:06:27HE SPEAKS ANOTHER LANGUAGE
0:06:27 > 0:06:29Another one speaking another language.
0:06:29 > 0:06:31I'll tell you, a Rabbi's son from Manchester.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33How are you? All right? Are you well? Good.
0:06:33 > 0:06:36I don't know why I'm so happy. I've got such trouble with my wife.
0:06:36 > 0:06:39Formidable lady, my wife. She frightens all the shopkeepers.
0:06:39 > 0:06:40She went into little Mr Cohen's shop,
0:06:40 > 0:06:42the grocery shop, the other day.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45She said, "How much the big brown eggs?"
0:06:45 > 0:06:47He comes out from behind the counter.
0:06:47 > 0:06:50He says, "Mrs, you want big brown eggs, they are 10p."
0:06:50 > 0:06:52She said, "10p a dozen?
0:06:52 > 0:06:56"What kind of a Chancellor of the Exchequer is Lloyd George,
0:06:56 > 0:06:59"he should allow charging 10p a dozen for big brown eggs?"
0:06:59 > 0:07:02He says, "Mrs, please, you want big brown eggs, 10p a dozen.
0:07:02 > 0:07:03"Why take the cheaper 9p a dozen?"
0:07:03 > 0:07:05She said, "I want cheaper."
0:07:05 > 0:07:07He said, "Cracked eggs, take cracked eggs.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09"Cracked eggs you can have 6p a dozen."
0:07:09 > 0:07:11She said, "Good, crack me a dozen of the big brown eggs."
0:07:11 > 0:07:13LAUGHTER
0:07:13 > 0:07:16She said to him, "I would like some smoked salmon."
0:07:16 > 0:07:19So he takes a side salmon. He starts to cut. He says, "How many slices?"
0:07:19 > 0:07:22She said, "Keep cutting, I'll tell you." He cuts a few more slices.
0:07:22 > 0:07:24He says, "You got a party in the house?"
0:07:24 > 0:07:27She said, "What's your business? Keep cutting." He cuts a few more.
0:07:27 > 0:07:31He says, "You've got, perhaps, a Bar Mitzvah in the family."
0:07:31 > 0:07:33She said, "Keep cutting, I'll tell you when to stop."
0:07:33 > 0:07:36So he cuts and he cuts. By now he's nearly in the middle,
0:07:36 > 0:07:37the thick part of the salmon.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40She said, "Stop! I'll take the next two slices."
0:07:40 > 0:07:43LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:47 > 0:07:50Thank you. I'll tell you, you mustn't have too much pity on him.
0:07:50 > 0:07:52He's a good businessman, young Cohen.
0:07:52 > 0:07:54The other day, outside the shop is a little black cat
0:07:54 > 0:07:56and it's drinking milk from a bowl.
0:07:56 > 0:08:00But what a bowl, an exquisite piece of Roman pottery.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02You've never seen anything like it in your life.
0:08:02 > 0:08:05Where the Lord he got it from I don't know.
0:08:05 > 0:08:09All of a sudden comes a Rolls-Royce, aluminium, big
0:08:09 > 0:08:12shining lamps and a man with a top hat and a frock coat gets out.
0:08:12 > 0:08:16He's an expert. He looks at the bowl.
0:08:16 > 0:08:20He knows the British Museum hasn't even got a copy. It's flawless.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21Not a crack. It's priceless.
0:08:21 > 0:08:25He can't wait to get his hands on it but how, he's got to box clever.
0:08:25 > 0:08:28So he goes in the shop and there is little Mr Cohen with his black
0:08:28 > 0:08:30homburg hat, fingernails to match.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36And the fella says, "Excuse me, my man, I'm an animal lover.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38"I would like to buy that pussycat on the pavement."
0:08:38 > 0:08:40And Cohen says, "The cat is not for sale,
0:08:40 > 0:08:43"it's like a member of the family." He said, "I'll give you £5 in cash."
0:08:43 > 0:08:45He said, "Sold."
0:08:45 > 0:08:47So he puts five golden sovereigns on the counter
0:08:47 > 0:08:48and Cohen picks them up.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52He goes, he picks up the cat and he picks up the bowl and Cohen
0:08:52 > 0:08:54says, "Governor, you're buying the cat, not the saucer,
0:08:54 > 0:08:55"put down the saucer."
0:08:55 > 0:08:58He says, "The cat is going to feel strange in a strange
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"environment, I'll take something belonging to the cat.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04"It'll make him feel at home." He said, "Put down the saucer.
0:09:04 > 0:09:07"That's my lucky saucer. With that saucer I sold 45 cats this week."
0:09:07 > 0:09:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:15 > 0:09:18You're a very friendly lot. You deserve a happy New Year.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21I'm going to tell you something.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24# You see you've got to have a little mazel
0:09:24 > 0:09:27# Cos mazel means good luck
0:09:27 > 0:09:30# And if you've all got mazel
0:09:30 > 0:09:34# Then you'll always have a buck
0:09:34 > 0:09:38# But if you've got a mazel
0:09:38 > 0:09:41# Though you're on the ball
0:09:41 > 0:09:45# You'll try and try, you won't get by
0:09:45 > 0:09:48# You bang your head against the wall
0:09:48 > 0:09:55# Don't ever try to wonder why you seem to get the blame
0:09:55 > 0:10:01# Some folks make a million and they can't even write their name
0:10:01 > 0:10:08# You've got to have a little mazel and you never will get stuck
0:10:08 > 0:10:12# That's why I wish you mazel
0:10:12 > 0:10:20# May you always have good luck. #
0:10:22 > 0:10:27APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:10:38 > 0:10:44Mirroring this orchidaceous assemblage, the glass of fashion,
0:10:44 > 0:10:50the very mould of form, that Debonair dulcet toned bow idial.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52Mr David Cannon.
0:10:56 > 0:11:01MUSIC PLAYS
0:11:10 > 0:11:15# Senorita Nina from Argentina knew all the dancers
0:11:15 > 0:11:19# Though her relatives and friends were perfect dancers
0:11:19 > 0:11:23# She swore she'd never dance a step until she died
0:11:23 > 0:11:25# She said I've seen too many movies
0:11:25 > 0:11:29# And all they prove is too idiotic
0:11:29 > 0:11:32# They all insist that South America's exotic
0:11:32 > 0:11:35# Whereas it couldn't be more boring if it tried
0:11:36 > 0:11:39# She said that frankly she was blinded
0:11:39 > 0:11:43# To all their over-advertised romantic charms
0:11:43 > 0:11:46# And then she got more bloody minded
0:11:46 > 0:11:49# And told them where to put their tropic palms
0:11:50 > 0:11:52# She said, I hate to be pedantic
0:11:52 > 0:11:54# But I'm driven nearly frantic
0:11:54 > 0:11:58# When I see that unromantic sycophantic lot of sluts
0:11:58 > 0:12:01# Forever wriggling their guts
0:12:01 > 0:12:03# It drives me absolutely nuts
0:12:05 > 0:12:12# She refused to begin the beguine when they requested it
0:12:12 > 0:12:18# And she made an embarrassing scene if anyone suggested it
0:12:19 > 0:12:21# For she detested it
0:12:25 > 0:12:29# Though no-one ever could be keener than little Nina
0:12:29 > 0:12:35# On quite a number of very eligible men who did the rhumba
0:12:35 > 0:12:38# When they proposed to her she simply left them flat
0:12:38 > 0:12:46# She said that love should be impulsive but not convulsive
0:12:46 > 0:12:50# And syncopation had a discouraging effect on procreation
0:12:50 > 0:12:53# And that she'd rather read a book and that was that
0:12:53 > 0:13:00# She declined to begin the beguine though they besought her to
0:13:00 > 0:13:04# And with language profane and obscene
0:13:04 > 0:13:07# She cursed the man who taught her to
0:13:07 > 0:13:09# She cursed Cole Porter, too
0:13:14 > 0:13:17# From this it's fairly clear that Nina in her demeanour
0:13:17 > 0:13:19# Was so offensive
0:13:19 > 0:13:23# That when the hatred of her friends grew too intensive
0:13:23 > 0:13:26# She thought she'd better beat it while she had the chance
0:13:28 > 0:13:34# After some trial and tribulation, she reached the station
0:13:34 > 0:13:40# And met a sailor who had acquired a wooden leg in Venezuela
0:13:40 > 0:13:44# And so she married him because he couldn't dance
0:13:46 > 0:13:49# There surely never could've been a
0:13:49 > 0:13:52# More irritating girl than Nina
0:13:52 > 0:13:55# They never speak in Argentina
0:13:55 > 0:13:59# Of that degenerate bambina
0:13:59 > 0:14:06# Who had the luck to find romance
0:14:07 > 0:14:15# But resolutely wouldn't da-a-a-a A-a-a-a A-a-a-a A-a-a-ance
0:14:15 > 0:14:17# I will not dance
0:14:17 > 0:14:20# Hola! #
0:14:20 > 0:14:22APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:14:31 > 0:14:33Thank you very much indeed, ladies and gentlemen.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35It's lovely to be back in this perfect theatre.
0:14:35 > 0:14:40And now a song, another song by Noel Coward which is very
0:14:40 > 0:14:42appropriate for this very special season.
0:14:45 > 0:14:53# I'll see you again
0:14:53 > 0:14:59# Whenever spring breaks through again
0:15:01 > 0:15:06# Time may lie heavy between
0:15:08 > 0:15:11# But what has been
0:15:11 > 0:15:16# Is past forgetting
0:15:18 > 0:15:25# This sweet memory
0:15:25 > 0:15:33# Across the years will come to me
0:15:34 > 0:15:40# Though my world may go awry
0:15:40 > 0:15:46# In my heart will ever lie
0:15:48 > 0:15:54# Just the echo of a sigh
0:15:54 > 0:15:57# Goodbye
0:16:00 > 0:16:07# I'll see you again
0:16:07 > 0:16:15# When ever spring breaks through again
0:16:15 > 0:16:21# Time may lie heavy between
0:16:22 > 0:16:26# But what has been
0:16:26 > 0:16:31# Is past forgetting
0:16:31 > 0:16:38# This sweet memory
0:16:38 > 0:16:45# Across the years will come to me
0:16:47 > 0:16:55# Though my world may go awry
0:16:55 > 0:17:03# In my heart will ever lie
0:17:04 > 0:17:11# Just the echo of a sigh
0:17:11 > 0:17:19# Goodbye. #
0:17:22 > 0:17:28APPLAUSE
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Inordinately epicene,
0:17:40 > 0:17:45insouciance incarnate.
0:17:46 > 0:17:48Cheek.
0:17:48 > 0:17:53Once again, as promised, the one and only Mr John Inman.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56CHEERING
0:18:04 > 0:18:08# I've seen lots of funny things in my time
0:18:08 > 0:18:11# But there's one thing I've not seen up to now
0:18:11 > 0:18:15# For years and years and years I've kept on searching
0:18:15 > 0:18:17# But I always seem to have bad luck somehow
0:18:19 > 0:18:22# To find the thing I'm looking for, around the world I've been
0:18:22 > 0:18:28# And now I'm going to tell you what it is I haven't seen
0:18:28 > 0:18:35# Well, I've never, never, never, never
0:18:35 > 0:18:38# I've never seen a straight banana
0:18:38 > 0:18:41# I've been round the town, I've been round the town
0:18:41 > 0:18:46# I've seen bananas standing up, I've seen them lying down
0:18:46 > 0:18:48# I've tried everywhere to find one
0:18:48 > 0:18:52# America, Jamaica and Havana
0:18:52 > 0:18:56# But I've never, never, never, never
0:18:56 > 0:18:59# I've never seen a straight banana... #
0:19:00 > 0:19:05Weren't you good? Oh. All right, hands up, who's seen one?
0:19:05 > 0:19:10LAUGHTER
0:19:10 > 0:19:12Outside.
0:19:13 > 0:19:16I love bananas, don't you? I love bananas.
0:19:16 > 0:19:19They're good for you, aren't they, as well?
0:19:19 > 0:19:22I get mine from the Canary. Canary.
0:19:22 > 0:19:25Bananas come from the Canary. I've often...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27How a little bird can lay a big thing like that...
0:19:29 > 0:19:33But they're very good from you. Apart from eating, you know.
0:19:33 > 0:19:35LAUGHTER
0:19:37 > 0:19:40They do you a world of good. I always...
0:19:40 > 0:19:41They make you look ten years younger.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45I always, I always take one to bed with me every night.
0:19:45 > 0:19:46LAUGHTER
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I do, I do. And I'll tell you what I do.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53I take my clothes off, I get into bed, I peel it,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56I put it in a bowl, I mush it up and I spread it all over my face.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02I peeled one the other night. It was empty.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09# I've seen cabbages, I have, with knobs on
0:20:09 > 0:20:12# I've seen lovely red tomatoes blue
0:20:12 > 0:20:16# I've seen scarlet runners running
0:20:16 > 0:20:20# I've seen them when they couldn't walk too
0:20:20 > 0:20:23# I've seen some new potatoes with their eyes all full of tears
0:20:23 > 0:20:29# Because their friend the onion had been sentenced to three years
0:20:29 > 0:20:34# But I've never, never, never, never
0:20:34 > 0:20:38# I've never seen a straight banana
0:20:38 > 0:20:42# I've been round the town, I've been round the town
0:20:42 > 0:20:44# I've seen bananas standing up
0:20:44 > 0:20:46# I've seen them lying down
0:20:46 > 0:20:48# I've searched everyone to find one
0:20:48 > 0:20:52# Jamaica, America and Havana
0:20:52 > 0:20:57# But I've never, never, never, never
0:20:57 > 0:21:00# I've never seen a straight banana
0:21:00 > 0:21:04# I've never, never, never, never
0:21:04 > 0:21:12# I've never seen a straight banana. #
0:21:12 > 0:21:16CHEERING
0:21:25 > 0:21:28Well, that's what I call fruity.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29LAUGHTER
0:21:29 > 0:21:32Inescapably risque...
0:21:32 > 0:21:35Irresistibly ti-tillant...
0:21:35 > 0:21:37- AUDIENCE:- Ooh...
0:21:37 > 0:21:39He's from Paris.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41Formidable,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43farouche,
0:21:43 > 0:21:45frenetique!
0:21:46 > 0:21:51The Lido Can Can Girls with Monsieur Michel Arene!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:53 > 0:21:55FAST MUSIC
0:22:08 > 0:22:10CAN CAN GIRLS WHOOP
0:22:30 > 0:22:32Whoo!
0:22:32 > 0:22:33Whoo!
0:22:41 > 0:22:42DRUMBEAT
0:22:42 > 0:22:44Ya!
0:22:44 > 0:22:46FAST MUSIC
0:23:20 > 0:23:22CAN CAN GIRLS YELP
0:23:23 > 0:23:25MUSIC STOPS, APPLAUSE
0:23:27 > 0:23:29MUSIC RESUMES
0:23:29 > 0:23:30CAN CAN GIRLS YELP
0:23:33 > 0:23:34Whoo, whoo!
0:23:36 > 0:23:38CAN CAN GIRLS YELP
0:23:58 > 0:23:59Whoo!
0:24:05 > 0:24:06Ah!
0:24:06 > 0:24:07Whoo!
0:24:20 > 0:24:22CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER
0:24:39 > 0:24:40Whee!
0:24:40 > 0:24:41CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER
0:24:41 > 0:24:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:44 > 0:24:45MUSIC RESUMES
0:24:45 > 0:24:46Whoo!
0:24:46 > 0:24:48CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER
0:24:56 > 0:24:57Whoo!
0:25:00 > 0:25:01Ah!
0:25:11 > 0:25:13FAST HANDCLAP
0:25:17 > 0:25:19CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER
0:25:47 > 0:25:51CAN CAN GIRLS CHEER
0:25:51 > 0:25:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:06 > 0:26:09Well, that's one for the armchair travellers.
0:26:09 > 0:26:11GENTLE LAUGHTER Now...
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Provocatively, pulchritudiness...
0:26:14 > 0:26:19- luminescent in-empanoplied nubility...- Ooh!
0:26:19 > 0:26:22Welcome to an adorable newcomer,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25Miss Gemma Craven!
0:26:25 > 0:26:27APPLAUSE
0:26:35 > 0:26:38# There's no mistake that I can act
0:26:38 > 0:26:40# I'm talented and that's a fact
0:26:40 > 0:26:44# I know because my mother told me so
0:26:45 > 0:26:47# She kept a house for actor folks
0:26:47 > 0:26:50# And listened to their funny jokes
0:26:50 > 0:26:55# So now I guess my mother ought to know
0:26:55 > 0:26:58# But managers are awful dense
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# It seems to me they have no sense
0:27:00 > 0:27:03# I know my darling mother
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# Wouldn't lie
0:27:05 > 0:27:09# She thinks I'm better than the best
0:27:09 > 0:27:14# But managers think I'm a pest
0:27:14 > 0:27:19# And all they say is go somewhere and die!
0:27:19 > 0:27:24# If the managers only thought the same as Mother
0:27:24 > 0:27:28# You'd bet I'd show them all a thing or three
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# My mama, who don't tell fibs
0:27:30 > 0:27:32# Said if I pleased Ernest Gibbs
0:27:32 > 0:27:35# Gertie Millar wouldn't stand a chance with me!
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# And if managers only took a tip from Mother
0:27:40 > 0:27:45# I'd be starring on the bill, the only star
0:27:45 > 0:27:47# Kenny Payne would get the sack
0:27:47 > 0:27:49# And soon have boards upon his back
0:27:49 > 0:27:53# If the managers only took a tip from Ma
0:27:56 > 0:27:59# My mother goes to all the shows
0:27:59 > 0:28:01# She knows what every woman knows
0:28:03 > 0:28:06# She knows Maud Allan's fascinating style
0:28:07 > 0:28:10# But masters, she would stand no chance
0:28:10 > 0:28:12# With me and our Salome dance
0:28:12 > 0:28:14# If I wore coloured beads
0:28:14 > 0:28:16# And my big smile
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# I think I'm great in everything
0:28:20 > 0:28:23# I suppose you've never heard me sing
0:28:23 > 0:28:27# Ma thinks I'd shine upon the opera stage...
0:28:28 > 0:28:31# Caruso off his dot would go
0:28:31 > 0:28:34# If he heard my top note... #
0:28:34 > 0:28:36- What-ho! - SHE LAUGHS
0:28:36 > 0:28:41# And Tetrazzini would go mad with rage
0:28:41 > 0:28:46# If the managers only thought the same as Mother
0:28:46 > 0:28:50# It would fill poor Sarah Bernhardt with regrets
0:28:50 > 0:28:52# Ellen Terry if she knew
0:28:52 > 0:28:54# And Miss Lena Ashwell too
0:28:54 > 0:28:58# They would jump the stage and join the suffragettes!
0:28:58 > 0:29:02# If the managers only took a tip from Mother
0:29:02 > 0:29:07# They would label me the only tragic star
0:29:07 > 0:29:11# Devotees might be allowed just to walk on with the crowd
0:29:11 > 0:29:16# If the managers only took a tip from Ma
0:29:16 > 0:29:19# Beerbohm Tree might be allowed
0:29:20 > 0:29:23# Just to walk on with the crowd
0:29:24 > 0:29:29# If the managers only thought the same as Ma. #
0:29:29 > 0:29:32APPLAUSE
0:29:43 > 0:29:45# My mother's name
0:29:45 > 0:29:49# Was Mary
0:29:49 > 0:29:52# She was so good and true
0:29:54 > 0:29:59# Because her name was Mary
0:30:01 > 0:30:06# She called me Mary, too
0:30:08 > 0:30:14# She wasn't gay or airy
0:30:14 > 0:30:18# As plain as she could be
0:30:20 > 0:30:24# I'd hate to meet her fairy
0:30:26 > 0:30:33# Who calls herself Marie
0:30:33 > 0:30:37# For it was Mary
0:30:37 > 0:30:39# Mary
0:30:39 > 0:30:43# Plain as any name can be
0:30:44 > 0:30:46# But with propriety
0:30:46 > 0:30:48# Society
0:30:48 > 0:30:51# Will say...
0:30:51 > 0:30:53# Marie
0:30:53 > 0:30:56- GEMMA AND AUDIENCE: - # For it was Mary
0:30:56 > 0:30:58# Mary
0:30:58 > 0:31:03# Long before the fashions came
0:31:03 > 0:31:06# For there is something there
0:31:06 > 0:31:08# That sounds so square
0:31:08 > 0:31:12# It's a grand old name
0:31:12 > 0:31:15# Her name was Mary
0:31:15 > 0:31:18# Mary
0:31:18 > 0:31:22# Plain as any name can be
0:31:22 > 0:31:25# But with propriety
0:31:25 > 0:31:27# Society
0:31:27 > 0:31:29# Will say
0:31:29 > 0:31:31# Marie
0:31:31 > 0:31:35# But it was Mary
0:31:35 > 0:31:37# Mary
0:31:37 > 0:31:41# Long before the fashions came
0:31:41 > 0:31:45# For there is something there
0:31:45 > 0:31:49# That sounds so square
0:31:49 > 0:31:53# It's a grand
0:31:53 > 0:31:55# Old
0:31:55 > 0:31:57# Name. #
0:31:57 > 0:32:01APPLAUSE
0:32:13 > 0:32:15Unequivocally...
0:32:15 > 0:32:19unique operatic equipoise...
0:32:19 > 0:32:21- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:32:21 > 0:32:23..contributing culture,
0:32:23 > 0:32:27all the way from La Scala, Milan,
0:32:27 > 0:32:30is Signor Gino Donati!
0:32:30 > 0:32:33APPLAUSE AND MUSIC
0:32:48 > 0:32:52# Vide 'o mare quant'e bello
0:32:52 > 0:32:56# Spira tantu sentimento
0:32:56 > 0:32:59# Comme tu a
0:32:59 > 0:33:02# Chi tiene mente
0:33:02 > 0:33:05# Ca scetato 'o faie sunna
0:33:07 > 0:33:10# Ma nun me lassa
0:33:10 > 0:33:15# Nun darme stu turmiento!
0:33:15 > 0:33:21# Torna a surriento
0:33:21 > 0:33:24# Famme
0:33:24 > 0:33:29# Campa! #
0:33:29 > 0:33:31APPLAUSE
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Thank you, and now for classical lovers,
0:33:43 > 0:33:46I will sing for you the famous aria from La Boheme
0:33:46 > 0:33:49by Puccini, Che Gelida Manina.
0:33:49 > 0:33:51Maestro, prego.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53APPLAUSE
0:33:56 > 0:33:57PIANO MUSIC STARTS
0:33:57 > 0:34:02# Che gelida manina
0:34:03 > 0:34:07# Se la lasci riscaldar
0:34:07 > 0:34:13# Cercar che giova?
0:34:13 > 0:34:19# Al buio non si trova
0:34:27 > 0:34:32# Ma per fortuna
0:34:32 > 0:34:35# E una notte di luna
0:34:35 > 0:34:39# E qui la luna
0:34:39 > 0:34:42# Labbiamo...
0:34:42 > 0:34:45- # Vicina... - BANGING
0:34:45 > 0:34:49- # Aspetti, signorina... # - LAUGHTER
0:34:49 > 0:34:51INDISTINCT WHISPERING ON STAGE
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Can't you see I am singing?
0:34:56 > 0:34:58Excuse me, sir, but I have technical difficulties.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01A broken cable and everything is frozen up.
0:35:01 > 0:35:03- LAUGHTER - Yes.
0:35:03 > 0:35:06- I think it was an opera. - Yes.- Your story is not funny.
0:35:06 > 0:35:10Don't forget there are millions of people watching us...
0:35:10 > 0:35:11But where, where?
0:35:11 > 0:35:13THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN
0:35:13 > 0:35:17- Get out from here. Maestro, please...- Oh, want a character.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21- If you are a great tenor, I am an honest worker.- I don't care, away.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23And anyway, I sing, too.
0:35:23 > 0:35:24THEY SPEAK IN ITALIAN
0:35:24 > 0:35:29- You sing, too?- Yes, sir...- You have a wonderful opportunity to be heard.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31- You sing...- Yes. - HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
0:35:31 > 0:35:33Ooh, my wife will be happy.
0:35:33 > 0:35:34THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER
0:35:34 > 0:35:36- Very good. - APPLAUSE
0:35:36 > 0:35:37He sing, too.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40- Could you accompany me, please? - You?
0:35:40 > 0:35:41INDISTINCT SPEECH
0:35:41 > 0:35:42- SCOTTISH ACCENT - You?
0:35:42 > 0:35:44I'm not playing for you, Jimmy.
0:35:44 > 0:35:46LAUGHTER
0:35:46 > 0:35:48I'm only playing for you, Jimmy.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50What happen now?
0:35:50 > 0:35:51What's happening now?
0:35:51 > 0:35:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:54 > 0:35:57APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:35:57 > 0:36:00- Better!- No, no, please, no...- I will accompany you at the piano myself.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04- I am a sport, you permit it, so... - You play the piano, OK?
0:36:04 > 0:36:06I'll do my best. Don't worry.
0:36:07 > 0:36:10HE SINGS WEAKLY
0:36:10 > 0:36:12LAUGHTER
0:36:12 > 0:36:14HE SINGS WEAKLY
0:36:14 > 0:36:15Che miseria.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18LAUGHTER
0:36:18 > 0:36:19HE SINGS IN FALSETTO
0:36:19 > 0:36:23- The audience is crying.- That is not feeling?- That is feeling the...
0:36:23 > 0:36:24Yes, I singing, I have had enough!
0:36:24 > 0:36:26WHOOPING AND LAUGHTER
0:36:26 > 0:36:29Intellectual man, intellectual man. Sexy leg.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31Bella gamba!
0:36:31 > 0:36:33En Francais, une personne cuis de gradue.
0:36:33 > 0:36:36In Italiano, prosciutto di parma.
0:36:36 > 0:36:38In English, frog legs.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40LAUGHTER
0:36:40 > 0:36:42Try to do the same!
0:36:42 > 0:36:43APPLAUSE
0:36:45 > 0:36:47And why not? Why not?
0:36:47 > 0:36:49You don't do that.
0:36:49 > 0:36:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:36:57 > 0:37:00Every tenor can do that today...
0:37:00 > 0:37:02HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
0:37:02 > 0:37:03LAUGHTER
0:37:03 > 0:37:05- You are the first that I have seen. - Thank you.
0:37:05 > 0:37:07- I have a wonderful idea. - Another one?
0:37:07 > 0:37:10Yes, you lie down on the floor and I do the rest.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13LAUGHTER
0:37:13 > 0:37:14I think you made a mistake in coming here.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16This is a smart room, not a joint.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Don't worry, this is the very last thing...
0:37:18 > 0:37:21- The very last thing, after we go back to the...- After, I go.
0:37:21 > 0:37:22- Whatever...- Keep your hands back...
0:37:22 > 0:37:24THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER IN ITALIAN
0:37:24 > 0:37:26Keep your hand...
0:37:26 > 0:37:28- The head, please. - LAUGHTER
0:37:30 > 0:37:32- Push the left.- Never. - Push the right.- The right, yes.
0:37:32 > 0:37:33LAUGHTER
0:37:35 > 0:37:37LAUGHTER
0:37:40 > 0:37:41- Ah! - GINO STRAINS
0:37:41 > 0:37:45APPLAUSE
0:37:46 > 0:37:48HE SPEAKS IN ITALIAN
0:37:51 > 0:37:52GINO STRAINS
0:37:52 > 0:37:55LAUGHTER
0:38:00 > 0:38:04- Left one or the right one.- I don't fool around with it either.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09- Ooh! - WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:11 > 0:38:12Oh, no, no...
0:38:12 > 0:38:14- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:38:14 > 0:38:16- APPLAUSE - Merci.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17Come on.
0:38:26 > 0:38:27LAUGHTER
0:38:27 > 0:38:29He doesn't.
0:38:34 > 0:38:36PIANO MUSIC STARTS
0:38:38 > 0:38:39Mummy...
0:38:44 > 0:38:45GENTLE LAUGHTER
0:39:01 > 0:39:03LAUGHTER
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Prego, silenzio.
0:39:12 > 0:39:15- Watch it! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:15 > 0:39:18APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH
0:39:28 > 0:39:30MUSIC RESUMES
0:39:42 > 0:39:49# Partirono le rondini dal mio paese freddo
0:39:49 > 0:39:52# E senza sole
0:39:52 > 0:39:57# Cercando primavere di viole
0:39:59 > 0:40:07# Nidi d'amore e di felicita
0:40:07 > 0:40:13# La mia piccola rondine parti
0:40:13 > 0:40:17# Senza lasciarmi un bacio
0:40:17 > 0:40:23# Senza un addio parti
0:40:25 > 0:40:32# Non ti scordar di me
0:40:32 > 0:40:39# La vita mia legata a te
0:40:39 > 0:40:46# Lo t'amo sempre piu
0:40:46 > 0:40:51# Nel sogno mio rimani tu
0:40:53 > 0:40:59# Non ti scordar di me
0:40:59 > 0:41:02# La vita mia legata a te
0:41:02 > 0:41:07APPLAUSE
0:41:07 > 0:41:13# C'e sempre un nido
0:41:13 > 0:41:18# Nel mio cor per te
0:41:18 > 0:41:26# Non ti scordar di me. #
0:41:26 > 0:41:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:41:45 > 0:41:48The apogee, the apotheosis...
0:41:48 > 0:41:50- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:41:50 > 0:41:52..of panegyric patriotism.
0:41:52 > 0:41:53- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:41:53 > 0:41:58Mr John Inman and the multipotent Players' Theatre.
0:41:58 > 0:42:01APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:05 > 0:42:08# It's all right, it's all right now
0:42:08 > 0:42:11# There's no need to worry any more
0:42:11 > 0:42:14# I saw the army wasn't strong
0:42:14 > 0:42:18# Everything was wrong until the day I came along
0:42:18 > 0:42:21# Then the band played and they all hoorayed
0:42:21 > 0:42:25# The guns fired a salvo of delight
0:42:25 > 0:42:28# I joined the army yesterday
0:42:28 > 0:42:31# So the army of today's all right. #
0:42:38 > 0:42:40# There's something about a soldier
0:42:40 > 0:42:42# There's something about a soldier
0:42:42 > 0:42:45# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine
0:42:45 > 0:42:47# He may be a Major General
0:42:47 > 0:42:48# He may be a Sergeant Major
0:42:48 > 0:42:52# He may be simple private of the line, line, line
0:42:52 > 0:42:53# But there's something about his bearing
0:42:53 > 0:42:55# There's something about his bearing
0:42:55 > 0:42:58# There's something about his buttons all a shine, shine, shine
0:42:58 > 0:43:02# Oh, a military chest seems to suit the ladies best
0:43:02 > 0:43:06# There's something about a soldier that is fine, fine, fine. #
0:43:43 > 0:43:46# When the man o' war or merchant ship comes sailing into port
0:43:46 > 0:43:50# The jolly tar with joy will sing out land ahoy!
0:43:50 > 0:43:53# With his pockets full of money and a parrot in a cage
0:43:53 > 0:43:57# He smiles at all the pretty girls upon the landing stage
0:43:57 > 0:44:00# All the nice girls love a sailor
0:44:00 > 0:44:03# All the nice girls love a tar
0:44:03 > 0:44:07# For there's something about a sailor
0:44:07 > 0:44:11# Well, you know what sailors are
0:44:11 > 0:44:14# Bright and breezy, free and easy
0:44:14 > 0:44:17# He's the ladies' pride and joy
0:44:17 > 0:44:19# He falls in love with Kate and Jane
0:44:19 > 0:44:25- # Then he's off to sea again - Ship ahoy, ship ahoy
0:44:25 > 0:44:28# All the nice girls love a sailor
0:44:28 > 0:44:32# All the nice girls love a tar
0:44:32 > 0:44:35# For there's something about a sailor
0:44:35 > 0:44:38# Well, you know what sailors are
0:44:38 > 0:44:42# Bright and breezy, free and easy
0:44:42 > 0:44:45# He's the ladies' pride and joy
0:44:45 > 0:44:48# He falls in love with Kate and Jane
0:44:48 > 0:44:53# Then he's off to sea again Ship ahoy, ship ahoy. #
0:45:05 > 0:45:07APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:45:07 > 0:45:11ORCHESTRA PLAY RULE, BRITANNIA
0:45:18 > 0:45:24# Sons of the sea all British-born
0:45:24 > 0:45:28# Sailing every ocean
0:45:28 > 0:45:31# Laughing foes to scorn
0:45:31 > 0:45:34# They may build their ships, my lads
0:45:34 > 0:45:37# And think they know the game
0:45:37 > 0:45:41# But they can't build the boys of the bulldog breed
0:45:41 > 0:45:45# Who made old England's name
0:45:45 > 0:45:48# Sons of the sea
0:45:48 > 0:45:52# Bobbing up and down like this
0:45:52 > 0:45:55# Sailing every ocean
0:45:55 > 0:45:59# Bobbing up and down like this
0:45:59 > 0:46:02# They may build their ships, my lads
0:46:02 > 0:46:05# Bobbing up and down like this
0:46:05 > 0:46:09# But they can't build the boys of the bulldog breed
0:46:09 > 0:46:12# Bobbing up and down like this. #
0:46:49 > 0:46:52# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:46:52 > 0:46:56# It's a long way to go
0:46:56 > 0:46:59# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:46:59 > 0:47:03# To the sweetest girl I know
0:47:03 > 0:47:07# Goodbye, Piccadilly
0:47:07 > 0:47:10# Farewell, Leicester Square
0:47:10 > 0:47:13# It's a long, long way to Tipperary
0:47:13 > 0:47:16# But my heart's right there. #
0:47:17 > 0:47:24# Pack up your troubles in your old kit bag and smile, smile, smile
0:47:24 > 0:47:27# While you've a lucifer to light your fag
0:47:27 > 0:47:31# Smile, boys, that's the style
0:47:31 > 0:47:34# What's the use of worrying?
0:47:34 > 0:47:37# It never was worthwhile
0:47:37 > 0:47:41# So pack up your troubles in your old kit bag
0:47:41 > 0:47:44# And smile, smile, smile. #
0:47:46 > 0:47:48# Rule, Britannia
0:47:48 > 0:47:53# Britannia, rule the waves
0:47:53 > 0:48:01# Britain never, never, never shall be slaves. #
0:48:05 > 0:48:09APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:48:18 > 0:48:20There's just time to ask Mr John Inman
0:48:20 > 0:48:23to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,
0:48:23 > 0:48:24down at The Old Bull And Bush.
0:48:24 > 0:48:27Ladies and gentlemen, Mr John Inman, the entire company,
0:48:27 > 0:48:30Mr Bernard Herrmann, the entire and indefatigable orchestra...
0:48:30 > 0:48:33APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:48:33 > 0:48:35..but chiefly...
0:48:35 > 0:48:38- ALL:- Yourselves!
0:48:41 > 0:48:44# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:48:44 > 0:48:49# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:48:49 > 0:48:52# Come, come drink some port wine with me
0:48:52 > 0:48:56# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:48:56 > 0:48:59# Hear the little German band umpapapa umpapapa
0:48:59 > 0:49:03# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:49:03 > 0:49:07# Do, do, come and have a drink or two
0:49:07 > 0:49:10# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:49:10 > 0:49:13# Bush-Bush! #