0:00:05 > 0:00:09AUDIENCE: # I'll be your sweetheart
0:00:09 > 0:00:13# If you will be mine
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# All my life
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# I'll be your valentine
0:00:21 > 0:00:26# Bluebells I've gathered
0:00:26 > 0:00:30# Keep them and be true
0:00:30 > 0:00:33# When I'm a man
0:00:33 > 0:00:41# My plan will be to marry you. #
0:00:41 > 0:00:44APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:00:45 > 0:00:49ORCHESTRA PLAYS FANFARE
0:00:50 > 0:00:52CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:00:58CHEERING
0:00:59 > 0:01:02Once again!
0:01:02 > 0:01:03LAUGHTER
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:07 > 0:01:09- AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:01:09 > 0:01:10Obligatorily...
0:01:10 > 0:01:12- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:01:12 > 0:01:16..encomiastic orotundities,
0:01:16 > 0:01:19extolling inaugurally...
0:01:19 > 0:01:20- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:01:20 > 0:01:23..a coruscating sextuplicity...
0:01:23 > 0:01:24- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:01:24 > 0:01:30..from the inestimably inexhaustible Players' Theatre!
0:01:30 > 0:01:31CHEERING
0:01:31 > 0:01:35BIG BAND MUSIC PLAYS
0:01:35 > 0:01:37- MEN:- # How do you do - WOMEN:- # How do you do
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- # Miss Ragtime - # Make way for ragtime
0:01:40 > 0:01:42- # Hats off to you - # Hats off
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- # Miss Ragtime - # Make way for ragtime
0:01:45 > 0:01:48# When I see you coming I forget the rest
0:01:48 > 0:01:50# You're the only one The sweetest and the best
0:01:50 > 0:01:53# I am dead in love Head and heels in love
0:01:53 > 0:01:55# Always thinking of you
0:01:55 > 0:01:56# Ooh!
0:01:56 > 0:01:58- # Look who's here - # Just look around you
0:01:58 > 0:02:00- # Ragtime dear - # So glad we found you
0:02:00 > 0:02:03- # When you're near - # Ooh-ooh
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- # I feel queer - # Ooh-ooh
0:02:05 > 0:02:08# There's a funny feeling comes along with you
0:02:08 > 0:02:10# Makes me happy, happy, happy, happy, too
0:02:10 > 0:02:13# How do you do, Miss Ragtime How do you do?
0:02:13 > 0:02:15# How d'you do, how d'you do, do, do
0:02:15 > 0:02:18ALL: # Come on and hear Come on and hear
0:02:18 > 0:02:20# Alexander's Ragtime Band
0:02:20 > 0:02:23# Come on and hear Come on and hear
0:02:23 > 0:02:25# It's the best band in the land
0:02:25 > 0:02:28# They can play a bugle call like you never heard before
0:02:28 > 0:02:31# So natural that you want to go to the war
0:02:31 > 0:02:34# It's just the bestest band whatever
0:02:34 > 0:02:36# Honey lamb # Honey lamb
0:02:36 > 0:02:38# Come on along Come on along
0:02:38 > 0:02:41# Let me take you by the hand
0:02:41 > 0:02:44# Up to the man Up to the man
0:02:44 > 0:02:46# Who's the leader of the band
0:02:46 > 0:02:51# And if you want to hear that Swanee River played in ragtime
0:02:51 > 0:02:54# Come on and hear Come on and hear
0:02:54 > 0:02:57# Alexander's Ragtime Band
0:02:57 > 0:03:03# Listen to the band They're playing
0:03:03 > 0:03:07# You made me love you
0:03:07 > 0:03:13# I didn't want to do it I didn't want to do it
0:03:13 > 0:03:17# You made me want you
0:03:17 > 0:03:22# And all the time you knew it I guess you always knew it
0:03:22 > 0:03:27# You made me happy sometimes
0:03:27 > 0:03:32# You made me glad
0:03:32 > 0:03:37# But there were times, dear
0:03:37 > 0:03:42# You made me feel so bad
0:03:42 > 0:03:46# You made me sigh for
0:03:46 > 0:03:52# I didn't want to tell you I didn't want to tell you
0:03:52 > 0:03:57# I want some love, that's true
0:03:57 > 0:04:01# Yes, I do, indeed I do You know I do
0:04:01 > 0:04:06# Give me, give me, give me Give me what I sigh for
0:04:06 > 0:04:11# You know you've got the brand of kisses that I'd die for
0:04:11 > 0:04:16# You know you made me
0:04:16 > 0:04:18# Love you
0:04:21 > 0:04:24# When the midnight choo-choo leaves for Alabam'
0:04:24 > 0:04:25# Alabam' Alabam'
0:04:25 > 0:04:27# I'll be right there Right there
0:04:27 > 0:04:30# Because I've got the right fare
0:04:30 > 0:04:33# When I see that rusty-haired conductor-man
0:04:33 > 0:04:34# When I see that man
0:04:34 > 0:04:37# I'll grab him by the collar And I'll holler
0:04:37 > 0:04:39# "Alabam'!" "Alabam'!"
0:04:39 > 0:04:43# That's where you stop the train That takes me back again
0:04:43 > 0:04:46# Back home where I'll remain
0:04:46 > 0:04:49# Where my honey-lamb am Where my honey-lamb am
0:04:49 > 0:04:54# I will be right there with bells When that old conductor yells
0:04:54 > 0:04:56# "All aboard" "All aboard"
0:04:56 > 0:04:58# "All aboard for Alabam'!"
0:04:58 > 0:04:59# Yeah
0:04:59 > 0:05:03# I will be right there with bells
0:05:03 > 0:05:07# When that old conductor yells
0:05:07 > 0:05:10# "All aboard" "All aboard"
0:05:10 > 0:05:12# "All aboard" "All aboard"
0:05:12 > 0:05:15# "All aboard for
0:05:15 > 0:05:20# "Alabam'!"
0:05:20 > 0:05:22# "All aboard for Alabam'!" #
0:05:22 > 0:05:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:33 > 0:05:39An unquenchable, equilibristic quaternity...
0:05:39 > 0:05:40- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:05:40 > 0:05:43- ..cavorting convulsively... AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:05:43 > 0:05:48..in catapulting cataclysm!
0:05:49 > 0:05:51Four acrobats.
0:05:51 > 0:05:56Ladies and gentlemen, the Loonies!
0:05:56 > 0:05:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:58 > 0:06:00RAGTIME MUSIC PLAYS
0:06:00 > 0:06:01LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:32 > 0:06:34LAUGHTER
0:06:43 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:55 > 0:06:57LAUGHTER
0:07:08 > 0:07:09APPLAUSE
0:07:19 > 0:07:21APPLAUSE
0:07:34 > 0:07:35LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:54APPLAUSE
0:08:18 > 0:08:21GASPS AND APPLAUSE
0:08:29 > 0:08:33APPLAUSE
0:08:36 > 0:08:38AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG TO MUSIC
0:09:19 > 0:09:22CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:34 > 0:09:37APPLAUSE
0:09:52 > 0:09:54- Felicitously... AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:09:55 > 0:10:01- ..refreshing in the irrefutable fragility...- Ooh!
0:10:01 > 0:10:07..of feminine fabulose. For your edification, Miss Rosemary Squire.
0:10:07 > 0:10:09CHEERING
0:10:15 > 0:10:18# I'm Rosie, the queen of the models
0:10:18 > 0:10:22# I used to live up in the Bronx
0:10:22 > 0:10:25# But I wandered from there down to Washington Square
0:10:25 > 0:10:30# And Bohemian honky-tonks
0:10:32 > 0:10:35# One day I met Harrison Fisher
0:10:35 > 0:10:40# Said he, you're like roses - the stems
0:10:40 > 0:10:44# I want you to pose for a picture
0:10:44 > 0:10:49# On the cover of Jim Jam Gems
0:10:52 > 0:10:56# And that's how I first got my start
0:10:56 > 0:11:01# Now my life is devoted to art
0:11:01 > 0:11:04# They call me
0:11:04 > 0:11:07# Rosie
0:11:07 > 0:11:10# Of Washington Square
0:11:10 > 0:11:13# A flower so fair
0:11:13 > 0:11:16# Should blossom where
0:11:16 > 0:11:19# The sun shines
0:11:19 > 0:11:21# Rose
0:11:21 > 0:11:24# For nature did not mean
0:11:24 > 0:11:27# That I should blush unseen
0:11:27 > 0:11:31# But be the queen
0:11:31 > 0:11:32# Of some fair garden
0:11:32 > 0:11:35# Rose
0:11:35 > 0:11:38# I'll never depart
0:11:38 > 0:11:41# But I'll dwell in your heart
0:11:41 > 0:11:45# Your love to share
0:11:45 > 0:11:50# I'll bring the sunbeams from the heavens to you
0:11:50 > 0:11:53# I'm going to give you kisses that sparkle with dew
0:11:53 > 0:11:56# I'm Rose
0:11:56 > 0:11:59# Of Washington Square
0:12:00 > 0:12:03# Oh, yes, I'm Rose
0:12:03 > 0:12:06# Of Washington Square
0:12:06 > 0:12:10# I'm withering there
0:12:10 > 0:12:15# In the basement air I'm fading
0:12:15 > 0:12:18# Pose
0:12:18 > 0:12:21# In my plain or fancy clothes?
0:12:21 > 0:12:25# They say that my Roman nose
0:12:25 > 0:12:27# Is sure to please
0:12:27 > 0:12:30# Some of those artistic people
0:12:30 > 0:12:32# Foes
0:12:32 > 0:12:36# Well, I've plenty of those
0:12:36 > 0:12:39# In their second-hand clothes
0:12:39 > 0:12:43# And their nice long hair
0:12:43 > 0:12:47# I've got those Broadway vampires
0:12:47 > 0:12:50# Lashed to the mast
0:12:50 > 0:12:54# I've got no future but, oh, what a past
0:12:54 > 0:12:56# I'm Rose
0:12:56 > 0:13:00# Of Washington Square
0:13:00 > 0:13:02# And I'm all there
0:13:02 > 0:13:08# They call me Rose, Rose, Rose
0:13:08 > 0:13:15# Of Washington Square. #
0:13:15 > 0:13:17APPLAUSE
0:13:29 > 0:13:35# Moonlight makes me lonely each night
0:13:35 > 0:13:39# Far from my rendezvous
0:13:40 > 0:13:46# Wondering, darling, whether you might
0:13:46 > 0:13:52# Be wishing that I were with you
0:13:52 > 0:13:59# Down among the sheltering palms Oh, honey, wait for me
0:13:59 > 0:14:02# Honey, wait for me
0:14:02 > 0:14:07# Don't be forgetting we've got a date
0:14:07 > 0:14:11# Out where the sun goes down about eight
0:14:11 > 0:14:16# How my love is burning, burning, burning
0:14:16 > 0:14:20# How my love is burning, burning, yearning
0:14:20 > 0:14:22# To be down
0:14:22 > 0:14:24# Among the sheltering palms
0:14:24 > 0:14:29# Oh, honey, wait for me
0:14:29 > 0:14:34# Oh, honey, wait for me. #
0:14:34 > 0:14:37# By the sea, by the sea by the beautiful sea
0:14:37 > 0:14:41# You and I, you and I Oh, how happy we'll be
0:14:41 > 0:14:44# When each wave comes a-rolling in
0:14:44 > 0:14:46# We will duck and swim
0:14:46 > 0:14:48# And we'll float and fool around the water
0:14:48 > 0:14:51# Over and under and then up for air
0:14:51 > 0:14:55# Pa's rich, Ma's rich, so now what do we care?
0:14:55 > 0:14:59# I like to be beside your side beside the sea, beside the seaside
0:14:59 > 0:15:03# By the beautiful sea
0:15:03 > 0:15:07# By the sea, by the sea by the beautiful sea
0:15:07 > 0:15:10# You and I, you and I Oh, how happy will be
0:15:10 > 0:15:13# When each wave comes a-rolling in
0:15:13 > 0:15:18# We will duck and swim and we'll float and fool around the water
0:15:18 > 0:15:21# Over and under and then up for air
0:15:21 > 0:15:25# Pa's rich, Ma's rich, so now what do we care?
0:15:25 > 0:15:31# I'd like to be beside your side beside the sea, beside the seaside
0:15:31 > 0:15:33# Or on a quayside
0:15:35 > 0:15:37# Close beside you
0:15:37 > 0:15:45# By the beautiful sea. #
0:15:45 > 0:15:47CHEERING
0:16:04 > 0:16:07Archetypal acme...
0:16:07 > 0:16:08- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:16:08 > 0:16:10Ack, me.
0:16:10 > 0:16:18..of anarchically asymmetrical asininity.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- Ooh! - Welcome back to Mr Denny Willis.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24CHEERING
0:16:36 > 0:16:38LAUGHTER
0:16:45 > 0:16:47Swee...swe...
0:16:51 > 0:16:55# Sweet and low
0:16:55 > 0:16:58# Sweet and low
0:16:58 > 0:17:04# Wind of the Western sea
0:17:06 > 0:17:07# Low... #
0:17:07 > 0:17:09- Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:17:11 > 0:17:14I'm so sorry.
0:17:16 > 0:17:18All together.
0:17:20 > 0:17:27- # Blow him again to me - Ooh-ooh
0:17:27 > 0:17:32- # Sleep, my pretty one - HE YAWNS
0:17:32 > 0:17:35# Sleep, my pretty one
0:17:35 > 0:17:41# Sleep. #
0:17:43 > 0:17:49APPLAUSE
0:17:49 > 0:17:52And now, ladies and gentlemen, The Fox Has Left His Lair.
0:17:58 > 0:18:00# The fox, the fox has left his lair
0:18:00 > 0:18:02# A red fox, a red fox
0:18:02 > 0:18:06# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho... #
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Ho!
0:18:10 > 0:18:12# The hunting huntsman blows his horn
0:18:12 > 0:18:14# A cream horn, a cream horn
0:18:14 > 0:18:15# The fox, the fox has left his lair
0:18:15 > 0:18:17# A red fox, a red fox
0:18:17 > 0:18:21# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho
0:18:25 > 0:18:26# Old Grandpa with his
0:18:26 > 0:18:27# Hunting horn
0:18:27 > 0:18:29# Limping... # It's gone wrong!
0:18:29 > 0:18:31# The hunting huntsman blows his horn
0:18:31 > 0:18:33# A cream horn, a cream horn
0:18:33 > 0:18:36# The fox, the fox has left his lair A red fox, a red fox
0:18:36 > 0:18:38# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho
0:18:38 > 0:18:40- # Ho-ho - With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho... #
0:18:43 > 0:18:44Ha!
0:18:44 > 0:18:46# Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
0:18:46 > 0:18:48# Silly Billy
0:18:48 > 0:18:50# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg
0:18:50 > 0:18:52# Limping, limping
0:18:52 > 0:18:54# The hunting huntsman blows his horn
0:18:54 > 0:18:56# A cream horn, a cream horn
0:18:56 > 0:18:57# The fox, the fox has left his lair
0:18:57 > 0:18:59# A red fox, a red fox
0:18:59 > 0:19:03# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho... #
0:19:07 > 0:19:09Ha-ha ha-ha!
0:19:09 > 0:19:11# Barmy, barmy
0:19:11 > 0:19:12# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha
0:19:12 > 0:19:14# S...illy Billy
0:19:14 > 0:19:17# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg
0:19:17 > 0:19:18# Limping, limping
0:19:18 > 0:19:20# The hunting huntsman blows his horn
0:19:20 > 0:19:22# A cream horn, a cream horn
0:19:22 > 0:19:24# The fox, the fox has left his lair
0:19:24 > 0:19:26# A red fox, a red fox
0:19:26 > 0:19:27# With a yoicks tally-ho, yo ho... #
0:19:27 > 0:19:30APPLAUSE
0:19:33 > 0:19:37# Behold the bold Sir Geoffrey dandy, bandy
0:19:37 > 0:19:39# The children running home from school
0:19:39 > 0:19:41# Barmy, barmy
0:19:41 > 0:19:43# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... #
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:19:45 > 0:19:46# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg
0:19:46 > 0:19:48# Limping, limping
0:19:48 > 0:19:50# The hunting huntsman blows his horn
0:19:50 > 0:19:52# A cream horn, a cream horn
0:19:52 > 0:19:54# The fox, the fox has left his lair
0:19:54 > 0:19:56# A red fox, a red fox
0:19:56 > 0:19:59# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho
0:20:03 > 0:20:06# All for the Lady Gwendolyn
0:20:06 > 0:20:07# Bonny, bonny
0:20:07 > 0:20:09# Behold the bold Sir Geoffrey... #
0:20:09 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:13# The children coming home from school... #
0:20:13 > 0:20:15They're doing something different.
0:20:15 > 0:20:17# Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha... #
0:20:17 > 0:20:19Ha-ha!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21# Old Grandpa with his wooden leg
0:20:21 > 0:20:23# Limping, limping
0:20:23 > 0:20:24# The hunting huntsman blows his horn
0:20:24 > 0:20:26# A cream horn, a cream horn
0:20:26 > 0:20:28# The fox, the fox has left his lair
0:20:30 > 0:20:34# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho
0:20:38 > 0:20:40# Sir Geoffrey said... #
0:20:40 > 0:20:41HE YELLS
0:20:41 > 0:20:43Oh, oh!
0:20:45 > 0:20:47# Behold the bold Sir Geoffrey... #
0:20:47 > 0:20:49Ha-ha!
0:20:49 > 0:20:51# The children coming home from school
0:20:51 > 0:20:53# Barmy, barmy
0:20:53 > 0:20:56- # Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha - Ha-ha-ha... #
0:20:56 > 0:20:59WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:00 > 0:21:02# The hunting huntsman blows his horn
0:21:04 > 0:21:06- # The fox, the fox... # - Ah!
0:21:07 > 0:21:12# With a yoicks, tally-ho, yo ho With a yoicks tally-ho yo ho. #
0:21:12 > 0:21:13MUSIC QUICKENS
0:21:16 > 0:21:19APPLAUSE
0:21:31 > 0:21:36A Caledonian convocation,
0:21:36 > 0:21:42convivially evoking your participatory...
0:21:42 > 0:21:44- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:21:44 > 0:21:46..reciprocity.
0:21:46 > 0:21:47Ooh!
0:21:47 > 0:21:52Joining in, your own Mr Kenneth McKellar.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55APPLAUSE
0:22:00 > 0:22:04# Oh, I'll never forget the day I went and joined the 93rd
0:22:04 > 0:22:07# The chums I used to run with said they
0:22:07 > 0:22:09# Thought I looked absurd
0:22:09 > 0:22:12# They saluted me and gathered round me in a ring
0:22:12 > 0:22:16# And as I wagged my tartan kilt they a' began to sing
0:22:16 > 0:22:19# He's a braw, braw Hielan' laddie
0:22:19 > 0:22:21# Private Jock McDade
0:22:21 > 0:22:23# There's not another soldier like him
0:22:23 > 0:22:25# In the Scots Brigade
0:22:25 > 0:22:28# Reared among the heather, you can see he's Scottish-built
0:22:28 > 0:22:32# By the wig, wig, wiggle wiggle, waggle o' the kilt
0:22:32 > 0:22:36# By the wig, wig, wiggle wiggle, waggle o' the kilt. #
0:22:36 > 0:22:39APPLAUSE
0:22:50 > 0:22:56# I have heard the mavis singing
0:22:56 > 0:23:02# His love song to the morn
0:23:02 > 0:23:07# I have seen the dew drop clinging
0:23:07 > 0:23:13# To the rose just newly born
0:23:13 > 0:23:19# But a sweeter song hath cheered me
0:23:19 > 0:23:24# At the evening's gentle close
0:23:24 > 0:23:30# And I've seen an eye still brighter
0:23:30 > 0:23:38# Than the dew drop on the rose
0:23:38 > 0:23:45# 'Twas thy voice, my gentle Mary
0:23:45 > 0:23:51# And thine artless, winning smile
0:23:51 > 0:23:59# That made this world an Eden
0:23:59 > 0:24:09# Bonnie Mary o' Argyle
0:24:22 > 0:24:28# Though thy voice may lose its sweetness
0:24:28 > 0:24:34# And thine eye its brightness too
0:24:34 > 0:24:40# Though thy step may lack its fleetness
0:24:40 > 0:24:47# And thy hair its sunny hue
0:24:47 > 0:24:53# Still to me wilt thou be dearer
0:24:53 > 0:24:58# Than all the world shall own
0:24:58 > 0:25:04# I have loved thee for thy beauty
0:25:04 > 0:25:13# But not for that alone
0:25:13 > 0:25:20# I have watched thy heart, dear Mary
0:25:20 > 0:25:27# And its goodness was the wile
0:25:27 > 0:25:35# That made thee mine forever
0:25:35 > 0:25:47# Bonnie Mary o' Argyle. #
0:25:47 > 0:25:50APPLAUSE
0:25:53 > 0:26:00# By yon bonnie banks and by yon bonnie braes
0:26:00 > 0:26:07# Where the sun shines bright on Loch Lomond
0:26:07 > 0:26:14# Where me and my true love were ever wont to gae
0:26:14 > 0:26:23# On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond
0:26:23 > 0:26:29# Oh, ye'll tak' the high road and I'll tak' the low road
0:26:29 > 0:26:34# And I'll be in Scotland afore ye
0:26:34 > 0:26:41# But me and my true love will never meet again
0:26:41 > 0:26:50# On the bonnie, bonnie banks of Loch Lomond. #
0:26:55 > 0:26:57# Hark, when the night is falling
0:26:57 > 0:27:00# Hear, hear the pipes are calling
0:27:00 > 0:27:05# Loudly and proudly calling down through the glen
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# There where the hills are sleeping
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# Now feel the blood a-leaping
0:27:10 > 0:27:15# High as the spirits of the old Highland men
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# Towering in gallant fame
0:27:18 > 0:27:20# Scotland, my mountain hame
0:27:20 > 0:27:25# High may your proud banner gloriously wave
0:27:25 > 0:27:28# Land o' the high endeavour
0:27:28 > 0:27:30# Land o' the shining river
0:27:30 > 0:27:33# Land o' my heart forever
0:27:33 > 0:27:35# Scotland the brave
0:27:35 > 0:27:42# Land o' my heart forever
0:27:42 > 0:27:47# Scotland
0:27:47 > 0:27:51# The brave. #
0:27:51 > 0:27:55APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:28:10 > 0:28:14Engagingly gregarious...
0:28:14 > 0:28:15AUDIENCE GASPS
0:28:15 > 0:28:18..in egregious garrulity...
0:28:18 > 0:28:19AUDIENCE GASPS
0:28:19 > 0:28:23..the one and only Mr Ronnie Corbett!
0:28:23 > 0:28:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:30 > 0:28:32Good evening. Evening.
0:28:32 > 0:28:35You all right? You all right?
0:28:35 > 0:28:37Answer me. Are you all right?
0:28:37 > 0:28:39AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:28:39 > 0:28:44# Put me amongst the girls
0:28:44 > 0:28:47# Put me amongst the girls
0:28:47 > 0:28:51# Do me a favour, do
0:28:51 > 0:28:54# You know I'd do the same for you
0:28:54 > 0:28:58# If you would put me amongst the girls
0:28:58 > 0:29:00# Those with the curly cur... #
0:29:00 > 0:29:02Just a minute. Excuse me.
0:29:02 > 0:29:05BAND STOPS PLAYING
0:29:05 > 0:29:07Sorry about that.
0:29:07 > 0:29:09Nobody hurt, I hope.
0:29:09 > 0:29:11No, no...
0:29:11 > 0:29:14Don't start now, please. I've just...
0:29:14 > 0:29:17I've just remembered a story I must tell you before I forget.
0:29:17 > 0:29:19LAUGHTER
0:29:19 > 0:29:22No, don't you come up. I'll come down there. Wait a minute.
0:29:22 > 0:29:26I like to walk about a bit, stretch my legs.
0:29:26 > 0:29:29LAUGHTER
0:29:29 > 0:29:31Left it a bit late, haven't I?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33There's a message for you.
0:29:33 > 0:29:36Oh, thank you. Thank you very much indeed. Thank you.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39You're naughty down there, I can tell. Now...
0:29:39 > 0:29:42No, Mr Sachs, the chairman, has just told me
0:29:42 > 0:29:44that Lady Smith has fallen again.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47LAUGHTER
0:29:51 > 0:29:54And Lord Smith says he's going to have the operation.
0:29:54 > 0:29:58LAUGHTER
0:30:00 > 0:30:03Will you excuse my back?
0:30:03 > 0:30:05You'll excuse my front, I know.
0:30:05 > 0:30:08LAUGHTER
0:30:10 > 0:30:14And the ladies down here, they're all very, you know...
0:30:14 > 0:30:16If I slip off here I might have more fun than I've had in years!
0:30:16 > 0:30:19LAUGHTER
0:30:24 > 0:30:27You're making up your own stories down here.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29And I got specially dressed for you.
0:30:29 > 0:30:34See the nice new suit bought by my wife in the sale...
0:30:34 > 0:30:36at Mothercare.
0:30:36 > 0:30:39LAUGHTER
0:30:42 > 0:30:45You can laugh.
0:30:45 > 0:30:48When did you last buy a suit and get a free Womble?
0:30:48 > 0:30:51LAUGHTER
0:30:53 > 0:30:56APPLAUSE
0:30:58 > 0:31:00And I brought my medals. See my wonderful medals?
0:31:00 > 0:31:03I tell you what, this one is actually very, very...
0:31:03 > 0:31:04Take these gloves off.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07This medal was given by the American forces
0:31:07 > 0:31:09for outstanding action in the field.
0:31:09 > 0:31:12LAUGHTER
0:31:15 > 0:31:17And it belongs to my sister.
0:31:17 > 0:31:19LAUGHTER
0:31:22 > 0:31:24Least said...
0:31:25 > 0:31:28Least said about that the better.
0:31:28 > 0:31:32This is actually the General Service medal and this is the Victory medal
0:31:32 > 0:31:33and this medal at the end here
0:31:33 > 0:31:36is awarded for the Best Whippet Bitch of 1848.
0:31:36 > 0:31:39LAUGHTER
0:31:43 > 0:31:44Interesting, isn't it?
0:31:44 > 0:31:48And this medal I got actually for running at school.
0:31:48 > 0:31:51And that one next to it for crawling at the BBC.
0:31:51 > 0:31:54APPLAUSE
0:31:58 > 0:32:01There's a uniform I recognise down there. Wonderful, sir.
0:32:01 > 0:32:02Grand to see you.
0:32:02 > 0:32:04Royal Army Medical Corps.
0:32:04 > 0:32:06LAUGHTER
0:32:06 > 0:32:09We lost my grandfather in the Royal Army Medical Corps.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Fell out of bed while examining a patient.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14LAUGHTER
0:32:14 > 0:32:17My dear old grandfather, oh, dear.
0:32:17 > 0:32:20He fought in all the Zulu wars, you know.
0:32:20 > 0:32:23Well, not all of them cos he got fed up of blacking up every morning.
0:32:23 > 0:32:26LAUGHTER
0:32:26 > 0:32:27Now, I...
0:32:27 > 0:32:30APPLAUSE
0:32:31 > 0:32:33I'm just going to sit down here
0:32:33 > 0:32:36and have a little bit of this snuff
0:32:36 > 0:32:41because...the doctor recommended it, you know,
0:32:41 > 0:32:43for nasal catarrh.
0:32:43 > 0:32:44It's very, very effective.
0:32:44 > 0:32:47I've only been taking it two days and I've already got nasal catarrh.
0:32:47 > 0:32:49LAUGHTER
0:32:52 > 0:32:55He's a terrible doctor. I'll have to change him, actually.
0:32:55 > 0:32:57Terrible handwriting. He gave me a prescription the other day.
0:32:57 > 0:32:59I took it to the chemist.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01Chemist read it and said, "All right, can you start Monday?"
0:33:01 > 0:33:04LAUGHTER
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Oh, we did have a laugh.
0:33:08 > 0:33:11Wish he was here tonight.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14So eventually he gave me a wooden leg and a pair of scales.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17I mustn't sit and crease this, actually.
0:33:17 > 0:33:18I've got to be careful of this,
0:33:18 > 0:33:21cos I'm booked to stand on a wedding cake tomorrow.
0:33:21 > 0:33:24LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:33 > 0:33:35You've got my gloves, haven't you?
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Yes, me and Hilda Baker will be standing there, I can tell you.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40LAUGHTER
0:33:40 > 0:33:42Now, listen, that reminded me actually of a story,
0:33:42 > 0:33:44because talking about honeymoons and weddings,
0:33:44 > 0:33:49a story about a honeymoon couple that arrived into the hotel.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52They booked in. Husband went into the bar.
0:33:52 > 0:33:53Wife went upstairs, got into bed.
0:33:53 > 0:33:56She'd only been in bed three minutes when this train passed the hotel.
0:33:56 > 0:34:00Nearly shook her out of bed, so she rang for the hotel manager...
0:34:00 > 0:34:02You're at it again, I know that.
0:34:02 > 0:34:03LAUGHTER
0:34:03 > 0:34:06She rang for the hotel manager. Hotel manager came up to the room.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08He knocked on the door. She said, "I've just been in bed.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11"This train has passed and nearly shook me out."
0:34:11 > 0:34:13The manager said, "Well, I can't understand that.
0:34:13 > 0:34:16"We've never had any complaints before about train vibrations."
0:34:16 > 0:34:17To which the bride...
0:34:17 > 0:34:19LAUGHTER
0:34:19 > 0:34:21And the bride said, "Well, that's all very well.
0:34:21 > 0:34:23"I don't want any aggravation, four-eyes,
0:34:23 > 0:34:27"but I'd just like to know when the next train passes this hotel."
0:34:27 > 0:34:30The manager said, "It passes in about three minutes."
0:34:30 > 0:34:32So the bride said, "Would you mind just laying on this bed here?
0:34:32 > 0:34:35"I'll show you exactly what I mean when the train passes."
0:34:35 > 0:34:38No sooner had he laid on the bed when in pops her husband.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Husband said, "I don't want to be inquisitive,
0:34:40 > 0:34:43"but why are you lying there on the bed with my dear wife?"
0:34:43 > 0:34:46The hotel manager said, "Now, you're not going to believe this..."
0:34:46 > 0:34:49LAUGHTER
0:34:50 > 0:34:53"..but I'm just waiting for the 10.28 to Macclesfield."
0:34:53 > 0:34:56LAUGHTER
0:34:57 > 0:35:02And the story I originally stopped the band to tell you has just come
0:35:02 > 0:35:07to my mind because I once took a train journey to a place
0:35:07 > 0:35:09not very far from here, Portsmouth,
0:35:09 > 0:35:12and I was sitting in this carriage, you see, with three sailors
0:35:12 > 0:35:14and a bishop.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16We're all minding our own business.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Well, the sailors are having a bit of fun, you know,
0:35:18 > 0:35:21trying on each other's hats.
0:35:21 > 0:35:22LAUGHTER
0:35:22 > 0:35:26This petty officer leans across the carriage
0:35:26 > 0:35:29and he touches the bishop on the knee.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31Well, it took us about ten hours
0:35:31 > 0:35:33to get the bishop down off the luggage rack!
0:35:33 > 0:35:34LAUGHTER
0:35:34 > 0:35:36He said, "My Lord Bishop..."
0:35:36 > 0:35:39He was very well-educated for a petty officer, actually.
0:35:39 > 0:35:41"..I'd like you to tell me what is the gout?"
0:35:41 > 0:35:44The bishop said, "I'm very glad you asked me that."
0:35:44 > 0:35:46I don't know why I said that, but that's what he said.
0:35:46 > 0:35:49He said, "Gout is what you get from drinking too much,
0:35:49 > 0:35:52"smoking too much and going with Portsmouth ladies
0:35:52 > 0:35:55"like Hospital Hattie and Lamppost Lil."
0:35:55 > 0:35:57LAUGHTER
0:35:58 > 0:36:01The bishop said, "Why do you ask?" The petty officer said,
0:36:01 > 0:36:04"Well, it says in here that the Archbishop of Canterbury's got it."
0:36:04 > 0:36:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:12 > 0:36:17# When I sit and look at you
0:36:17 > 0:36:20# I just can't believe it's true
0:36:22 > 0:36:25# Can't believe you love me though
0:36:25 > 0:36:28# You have often told me so
0:36:29 > 0:36:33# So it seems a dream of bliss
0:36:34 > 0:36:37# Never hoped for things like this
0:36:37 > 0:36:42# Now I'm wondering all the day
0:36:42 > 0:36:49# Why such luck should come my way
0:36:49 > 0:36:52# Fancy you fancying me
0:36:52 > 0:36:56# I can't tell what you can see
0:36:56 > 0:37:01# For it seems like dreams are not reality
0:37:01 > 0:37:05# That you should like my personality
0:37:05 > 0:37:09# I can't quite figure it out
0:37:10 > 0:37:13# I can't tell why it should be
0:37:13 > 0:37:18# I can fancy anybody fancying you
0:37:18 > 0:37:21# But fancy you fancying me? #
0:37:21 > 0:37:24I'm going back up here.
0:37:29 > 0:37:34# Don't know anybody who
0:37:34 > 0:37:37# Ever could help liking you
0:37:38 > 0:37:43# You're so different from the rest
0:37:43 > 0:37:46# S'pose that's why I like you best
0:37:47 > 0:37:51# Yes, the first day that we met
0:37:51 > 0:37:55# I knew I'd had a heart to let
0:37:55 > 0:38:00# Now I'm wondering all the day
0:38:00 > 0:38:07# Why such luck should come my way?
0:38:07 > 0:38:11# Fancy you fancying me
0:38:11 > 0:38:14# I can't tell what you can see
0:38:14 > 0:38:20# For it seems like dreams are not reality
0:38:20 > 0:38:23# That you should like my personality
0:38:23 > 0:38:28# I can't quite figure it out
0:38:28 > 0:38:32# I can't tell why it should be
0:38:32 > 0:38:36# I can fancy anybody fancying you
0:38:36 > 0:38:41# But fancy you fancying, fancy you fancying
0:38:41 > 0:38:45# Fancy you fancying me
0:38:45 > 0:38:48# Fancy you fancying me. #
0:38:50 > 0:38:53APPLAUSE
0:38:56 > 0:38:57Hey!
0:39:08 > 0:39:13In a patriotic potpourri once again,
0:39:13 > 0:39:16inimitably indispensable,
0:39:16 > 0:39:19the Players' Theatre!
0:39:22 > 0:39:26# Hello, hello, here we are again
0:39:26 > 0:39:29# Here we are, here we are, here we are again
0:39:29 > 0:39:33# There's Pat and Mac and Tommy and Jack and Joe
0:39:33 > 0:39:36# When there's trouble brewing, when there's something doing
0:39:36 > 0:39:38# Are we down-hearted?
0:39:38 > 0:39:40# No, let them all come
0:39:40 > 0:39:43# Here we are, here we are, here we are again
0:39:43 > 0:39:47# Fit and well and feeling as right as rain
0:39:47 > 0:39:51# Never mind the weather, now then, all together
0:39:51 > 0:39:54# Hello, hello, here we are again
0:39:54 > 0:39:58# So pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag
0:39:58 > 0:40:02# And smile, smile, smile
0:40:03 > 0:40:07# While you've a lucifer to light your fag
0:40:07 > 0:40:11# Smile, boys, that's the style
0:40:12 > 0:40:15# What's the use of worrying?
0:40:15 > 0:40:19# It never was worthwhile
0:40:19 > 0:40:24# So pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag
0:40:24 > 0:40:28# And smile, smile, smile
0:40:28 > 0:40:35# If you were the only girl in the world
0:40:35 > 0:40:40- WOMEN:- # And you were the only boy
0:40:41 > 0:40:47# Nothing else would matter in the world today
0:40:47 > 0:40:53# We would go on loving in the same old way
0:40:53 > 0:40:59# A Garden of Eden just made for two
0:40:59 > 0:41:04# With nothing to mar our joy
0:41:04 > 0:41:09# I would say such wonderful things to you
0:41:11 > 0:41:16# There would be such wonderful things to do
0:41:16 > 0:41:23# If you were the only girl in the world
0:41:23 > 0:41:28# And you were the only boy
0:41:29 > 0:41:34- MEN:- # And I was the only boy
0:41:40 > 0:41:42# Goodbye-ee
0:41:42 > 0:41:47# Goodbye-ee
0:41:47 > 0:41:49# Goodbye-ee
0:41:49 > 0:41:53# Goodbye-ee
0:41:54 > 0:41:58# Wipe the tear, baby dear
0:41:58 > 0:42:02# From your eye-ee
0:42:04 > 0:42:10# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:42:10 > 0:42:14# It's a long way to go
0:42:15 > 0:42:20# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:42:20 > 0:42:25# To the sweetest girl I know
0:42:27 > 0:42:31# Goodbye, Piccadilly
0:42:31 > 0:42:35# Farewell, Leicester Square
0:42:35 > 0:42:40# It's a long, long way to Tipperary
0:42:40 > 0:42:43# But my heart's right there
0:42:43 > 0:42:47# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:42:47 > 0:42:51# It's a long way to go
0:42:52 > 0:42:55# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:42:55 > 0:42:58# To the sweetest girl I know
0:43:00 > 0:43:03# Goodbye, Piccadilly
0:43:03 > 0:43:07# Farewell, Leicester Square
0:43:07 > 0:43:11# It's a long, long way to Tipperary
0:43:11 > 0:43:18# But my heart's right there. #
0:43:20 > 0:43:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:34 > 0:43:38And now there's only just time to ask Mr Ronnie Corbett to lead
0:43:38 > 0:43:41the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,
0:43:41 > 0:43:42Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:43:42 > 0:43:45Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ronnie Corbett, the entire company,
0:43:45 > 0:43:49Mr Bernard Hammond and the entire and indefatigable orchestra...
0:43:49 > 0:43:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:52 > 0:43:58..but, this time, chiefly yourselves!
0:44:01 > 0:44:05# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:44:05 > 0:44:07# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:44:07 > 0:44:09# Da, da, da, da, da
0:44:09 > 0:44:13# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:44:13 > 0:44:16# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:44:16 > 0:44:19# Hear the little German band
0:44:19 > 0:44:21# Da, da, da, da, da, da, da
0:44:21 > 0:44:24# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:44:25 > 0:44:28# Come, come, come and have a drink or two
0:44:28 > 0:44:32# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:44:32 > 0:44:35# Bush Bush! #
0:44:35 > 0:44:38CHEERING AND APPLAUSE