0:00:02 > 0:00:05ORCHESTRA TUNES INSTRUMENTS
0:00:10 > 0:00:14ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO JOLLY GOOD COMPANY
0:00:24 > 0:00:27# Hello, ain't ya looking well?
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Hello, ain't ya looking swell?
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# Upon my soul I'm mighty glad to see you
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# Happier than I can tell
0:00:38 > 0:00:41# Here we are again Happy as can be
0:00:41 > 0:00:45# All good pals and jolly good company
0:00:45 > 0:00:48# Strolling round the town Out upon the spree
0:00:48 > 0:00:52# All good pals and jolly good company
0:00:52 > 0:00:55# Never mind the weather Never mind the rain
0:00:55 > 0:00:59# Now we're all together Whoops, she goes again
0:00:59 > 0:01:02# La-di-da-di-da La-di-da-di-dee
0:01:02 > 0:01:06# All good pals and jolly good company. #
0:01:10 > 0:01:11# You should keep your eye on me
0:01:11 > 0:01:13# If a man you wish to see
0:01:13 > 0:01:16# Who has made his way with the least delay
0:01:16 > 0:01:18# To the honoured place he owns today
0:01:18 > 0:01:20# For it is a splendid thing
0:01:20 > 0:01:22# And the best that luck can bring
0:01:22 > 0:01:24# When a man can boast that he fills the post
0:01:24 > 0:01:26# Of the master of the ring
0:01:26 > 0:01:28# For it is a splendid thing
0:01:28 > 0:01:30# And the best that luck can bring
0:01:30 > 0:01:32# When a man can boast that he fills the post
0:01:32 > 0:01:35# Of the master of the ring. #
0:01:37 > 0:01:39# Every afternoon at three
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# Jolly little Polly on the gee-gee-gee
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# Trots along in front of me
0:01:43 > 0:01:45# Jolly little Polly on the gee-gee-gee
0:01:45 > 0:01:48# Though that little gee-gee-gee
0:01:48 > 0:01:50# Hasn't got a little bit of pedigree
0:01:50 > 0:01:52# I would give the world to be
0:01:52 > 0:01:54# That gee-gee-gee
0:01:54 > 0:01:56# Yes, I would give the world to be
0:01:56 > 0:01:58# That gee-gee-gee. #
0:01:58 > 0:02:01And now, our next presentation!
0:02:01 > 0:02:05# He flies through the air with the greatest of ease
0:02:05 > 0:02:09# The daring young man on the flying trapeze
0:02:09 > 0:02:13# His movements are graceful All girls he can please
0:02:13 > 0:02:17# And my love is stolen away
0:02:17 > 0:02:21# He flies through the air with the greatest of ease... #
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Ooh!
0:02:25 > 0:02:29# His movements are graceful All girls he can please... #
0:02:32 > 0:02:37Ooh. And now, for your further edification...
0:02:37 > 0:02:41# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl
0:02:41 > 0:02:44# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl
0:02:44 > 0:02:48# She is smooth and slim and supple
0:02:48 > 0:02:52# And compared with any couple of other girls
0:02:52 > 0:02:56# Oh, the Sandow, Sandow girl
0:02:56 > 0:03:00# Is a priceless peerless pearl
0:03:00 > 0:03:04# She can stand on her feet Won't be frightened to be
0:03:04 > 0:03:07# That is Sandow girl. #
0:03:08 > 0:03:11# Clowns, clowns, clowns... #
0:03:11 > 0:03:14UNCLEAR LYRICS
0:03:23 > 0:03:26# Never mind the weather Never mind the rain
0:03:26 > 0:03:30# Now we're all together Whoops, she goes again
0:03:30 > 0:03:33# La-di-da-di-da La-di-da-di-dee
0:03:33 > 0:03:37# All good pals and jolly good company
0:03:37 > 0:03:40# All good pals
0:03:40 > 0:03:46# And jolly good company, hoi! #
0:04:01 > 0:04:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:10 > 0:04:12CHEERING
0:04:12 > 0:04:15Once again,
0:04:15 > 0:04:22good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:04:22 > 0:04:24- AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:04:24 > 0:04:27Prognosticatorally...
0:04:27 > 0:04:29- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:04:29 > 0:04:31..parapolysyllabic...
0:04:31 > 0:04:33- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:04:33 > 0:04:38..primarily two coryphaeus coordinate
0:04:38 > 0:04:42in Corybantic precocities.
0:04:42 > 0:04:44LAUGHTER
0:04:44 > 0:04:46Dazzling dancing!
0:04:46 > 0:04:49We give you, ladies and gentlemen,
0:04:49 > 0:04:51Mr Bill Drysdale
0:04:51 > 0:04:55and Miss Christine Cartwright!
0:04:55 > 0:04:58APPLAUSE
0:05:02 > 0:05:05ORCHESTRA PLAYS DANCE MUSIC
0:07:35 > 0:07:38APPLAUSE
0:07:49 > 0:07:52Ecstatic gentleman in the front row, enjoying -
0:07:52 > 0:07:53the gentleman in the blazer -
0:07:53 > 0:07:56enjoying what I would call fringe benefits.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58And now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:07:58 > 0:08:01mischievously meandering
0:08:01 > 0:08:05in nostalgic reminiscence,
0:08:05 > 0:08:10from Leeds itself - what I believe is called a Leeds Loiner -
0:08:10 > 0:08:14ladies and gentlemen, Mr Tom Mennard!
0:08:14 > 0:08:18APPLAUSE
0:08:27 > 0:08:33As I got towards the pub, the door opened outwards.
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Now, I am six foot one.
0:08:38 > 0:08:42On the door is the biggest brass knob
0:08:42 > 0:08:45you have ever seen in your life
0:08:45 > 0:08:48at a height of three foot and half an inch.
0:08:48 > 0:08:50LAUGHTER
0:08:57 > 0:09:01The door flew out, flattened me against the wall.
0:09:01 > 0:09:03My mate Charlie Hollindale came out.
0:09:03 > 0:09:07He said, "You're crying. Have you had bad news?"
0:09:12 > 0:09:15I said, "Medically, yes."
0:09:16 > 0:09:19He says, "Look, the least I can do is take you in
0:09:19 > 0:09:22"and see that you have a drink."
0:09:22 > 0:09:24So, we go in.
0:09:24 > 0:09:25He says, "Give me your coat
0:09:25 > 0:09:28"and while I'm hanging our coats up, you can order."
0:09:28 > 0:09:30Oh, that's nice!
0:09:30 > 0:09:33I says to the landlord, "Two pints, please."
0:09:33 > 0:09:36He says, "There'll be a slight hold-up.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38"I've got a stoppage in the beer pipe."
0:09:38 > 0:09:41I said, "Oh, it might be water pressure."
0:09:41 > 0:09:42Anyway...
0:09:42 > 0:09:45We got the pints, Charlie comes back,
0:09:45 > 0:09:48and I was talking to him, you know how you do, politics.
0:09:48 > 0:09:50And we were talking about different governments, you know,
0:09:50 > 0:09:54and wondering if this country would ever have one.
0:09:54 > 0:09:56LAUGHTER
0:09:56 > 0:09:58And I noticed Charlie, he was never looking at me,
0:09:58 > 0:10:01he was looking over my shoulder all the time.
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I said, "Just a minute, I'm talking to you.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07"What are you looking over there for?"
0:10:07 > 0:10:09He said, "I'm keeping an eye on my coat."
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I said, "Well, it's rude. I'm talking to you.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13"I don't keep an eye on my coat."
0:10:13 > 0:10:17He said, "You should have. It went five minutes ago."
0:10:17 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:20ORCHESTRA PLAYS MUSICAL ACCOMPANIMENT
0:10:20 > 0:10:23I thought I'd like to tell you Though you'll probably be bored
0:10:23 > 0:10:26Of the proudest day I've had in all my life
0:10:27 > 0:10:30It was back in 1870
0:10:30 > 0:10:32When I was just a kid
0:10:32 > 0:10:35And Prince Albert came to tea and brought his wife
0:10:36 > 0:10:40Yes, Victoria, Her Majesty, had tea with us one day
0:10:40 > 0:10:44An occasion that I never shall forget
0:10:44 > 0:10:47When I think of all the work
0:10:47 > 0:10:49And preparation we'd to do
0:10:49 > 0:10:53Well, I just go all limp and break out in a sweat
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Cos we whitewashed every ceiling
0:10:57 > 0:10:59And we polished every floor
0:10:59 > 0:11:02On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea
0:11:02 > 0:11:05And I scrubbed the aspidistra
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Till my fingers were quite sore
0:11:07 > 0:11:10On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea
0:11:11 > 0:11:13We had bath buns by the dozen
0:11:13 > 0:11:16Mother used 100 eggs
0:11:16 > 0:11:18We had sherry in the trifle
0:11:18 > 0:11:21And my father swigged the dregs
0:11:22 > 0:11:25And we shaved the horsehair sofa
0:11:25 > 0:11:27So's it wouldn't prick her legs
0:11:27 > 0:11:32On the day that Queen Victoria and Albert came to tea
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Uncle Fred wore his new cap
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Oh, yes, he really went to town
0:11:39 > 0:11:42On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea
0:11:43 > 0:11:45And my grandma wore her teeth
0:11:45 > 0:11:48Mind you, she wore them upside down
0:11:48 > 0:11:52On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea
0:11:53 > 0:11:56Then the chair that Albert sat on broke
0:11:56 > 0:11:59He slithered to the floor
0:11:59 > 0:12:02And his elbow caught the fender
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And though I wouldn't say he swore
0:12:06 > 0:12:10He said much more than Gladstone did in 1894
0:12:10 > 0:12:16On the day that Queen Victoria and Albert came to tea
0:12:18 > 0:12:21We sang just a song at twilight
0:12:21 > 0:12:23And everybody cheered
0:12:23 > 0:12:26On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea
0:12:28 > 0:12:31And Albert lit a cigar
0:12:31 > 0:12:34And set fire to his beard
0:12:34 > 0:12:37On the day that Queen Victoria came to tea
0:12:38 > 0:12:41We had Eccles cakes and bath buns
0:12:41 > 0:12:44And home-made rhubarb wine
0:12:44 > 0:12:47And Albert had a skinful
0:12:47 > 0:12:50And all was going fine
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Till young Fred says, "Dad
0:12:52 > 0:12:56"Is this the bloke who called a German swine?"
0:12:56 > 0:13:02On the day that Queen Victoria and Albert came to tea.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04Thank you. Bye. Cheers.
0:13:09 > 0:13:12APPLAUSE
0:13:19 > 0:13:23Ecstatically pulchritudinous...
0:13:23 > 0:13:26- AUDIENCE:- Ooh! - From the Latin "pulcher".
0:13:26 > 0:13:29- LAUGHTER - Lovely.
0:13:29 > 0:13:32Always lambently lovely,
0:13:32 > 0:13:35your own, my own,
0:13:35 > 0:13:37everybody's own,
0:13:37 > 0:13:41Miss Lorna Dallas!
0:13:41 > 0:13:44APPLAUSE
0:13:56 > 0:13:58# I miss you so, honey
0:13:58 > 0:14:00# When you are away
0:14:00 > 0:14:04# I find myself dreaming of you
0:14:04 > 0:14:08# Night and day
0:14:08 > 0:14:11# I'm losing my appetite
0:14:11 > 0:14:14# Losing my mind
0:14:14 > 0:14:18# I try to forget for a while
0:14:18 > 0:14:24# Then I find
0:14:24 > 0:14:28# That every little while
0:14:28 > 0:14:33# I feel so lonely
0:14:33 > 0:14:36# Every little while
0:14:36 > 0:14:40# I feel so blue
0:14:40 > 0:14:44# I'm always dreaming
0:14:44 > 0:14:48# I'm always scheming
0:14:48 > 0:14:53# Because I want you
0:14:53 > 0:14:58# And only you
0:14:58 > 0:15:01# Every little while
0:15:01 > 0:15:06# My heart is aching
0:15:06 > 0:15:09# Every little while
0:15:09 > 0:15:13# I miss your smile
0:15:13 > 0:15:18# And all the time I seem to miss you
0:15:18 > 0:15:23# I want to, want to kiss you
0:15:24 > 0:15:33# Every, every, every little while. #
0:15:42 > 0:15:46# Beautiful dreamer
0:15:46 > 0:15:50# Wake unto me
0:15:50 > 0:15:52# Starlight and dewdrops
0:15:52 > 0:15:57# Are waiting for thee
0:15:57 > 0:16:01# Sounds of the rude world
0:16:01 > 0:16:04# Heard in the day
0:16:04 > 0:16:07# Lulled by the moonlight
0:16:07 > 0:16:11# Have all passed away
0:16:11 > 0:16:15# Beautiful dreamer
0:16:15 > 0:16:18# Queen of my song
0:16:18 > 0:16:22# List' while I woo thee
0:16:22 > 0:16:27# With soft melody
0:16:27 > 0:16:31# Gone are the cares of
0:16:31 > 0:16:35# Life's busy throng
0:16:35 > 0:16:37# Beautiful dreamer
0:16:37 > 0:16:43# Awake unto me
0:16:43 > 0:16:51# Beautiful dreamer
0:16:51 > 0:17:04# Awake unto me. #
0:17:05 > 0:17:11# For I can give you the starlight
0:17:11 > 0:17:16# Love unchanging and true
0:17:16 > 0:17:21# I can give you the ocean
0:17:21 > 0:17:25# Deep and tender devotion
0:17:25 > 0:17:30# I can give you the mountains
0:17:30 > 0:17:35# Pools of shimmering blue
0:17:35 > 0:17:38# Call and I shall be
0:17:38 > 0:17:42# All you ask of me
0:17:42 > 0:17:45# Music in spring
0:17:45 > 0:17:49# Flowers for a king
0:17:49 > 0:18:02# All these I bring to you. #
0:18:07 > 0:18:10APPLAUSE
0:18:17 > 0:18:21In a subtle distillation
0:18:21 > 0:18:23of serendipitous...
0:18:23 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER
0:18:25 > 0:18:28..whimsicalities,
0:18:28 > 0:18:30welcome, a very warm welcome,
0:18:30 > 0:18:34to Mr Richard Stilgoe!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37APPLAUSE
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Thank you, thank you. Good evening. AUDIENCE:- Good evening.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- Thank you very much. My name is... AUDIENCE:- Richard Stilgoe.
0:18:49 > 0:18:51LAUGHTER
0:18:51 > 0:18:54Got it. Thank you, thank you very much. Good evening.
0:18:54 > 0:18:56My name is Henry Irving.
0:18:57 > 0:19:02I want you, if you can, to take yourselves forward in time to 1903.
0:19:02 > 0:19:05For those of you who haven't got used to these newfangled ideas yet,
0:19:05 > 0:19:08that is three minutes past seven.
0:19:08 > 0:19:13I ought, therefore... I ought, therefore, to tell you the news,
0:19:13 > 0:19:15as it's just past seven o'clock,
0:19:15 > 0:19:17and for those of you interested in politics,
0:19:17 > 0:19:19you will have been worried about the goings-on in the Whig party.
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Well, I have to tell you that, after all the argy-bargy,
0:19:22 > 0:19:24finally the Whigs have split.
0:19:26 > 0:19:28And a very unpleasant sight it is, too!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31We may have to do away with the Whigs altogether, in fact,
0:19:31 > 0:19:34start again with a new centre parting.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I... LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:38I ought, really, to be brave.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41But I might fall off if I go out there.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43Well, like all this lot have.
0:19:44 > 0:19:47That's what happened. All of these were big stars once.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50Walked out down the catwalk, fell in.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54Now they all have to sit there, pretending to be musicians.
0:19:54 > 0:19:58I ought, really, to... LAUGHTER
0:19:58 > 0:20:00I know you lot!
0:20:00 > 0:20:03You're the ones who sit up in the box going,
0:20:03 > 0:20:05"This one's even worse than the bear."
0:20:05 > 0:20:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I shall be brave. Mr Auctioneer, how nice to meet you.
0:20:18 > 0:20:20I hope you get a good price for all the acts.
0:20:20 > 0:20:22Oh...
0:20:23 > 0:20:28- Is there a Florence Nightingale in the house?- Oh, yes.- Bless you.
0:20:28 > 0:20:33One of my hobbies is anagrams. Take the name Richard Stilgoe.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36Out of it you can get people like Archie Slogdirt.
0:20:36 > 0:20:39LAUGHTER
0:20:40 > 0:20:42And if you get the word "orchestra",
0:20:42 > 0:20:45do you know what you can make out of "orchestra"?
0:20:45 > 0:20:47LAUGHTER
0:20:47 > 0:20:50Yes, "carthorse".
0:20:50 > 0:20:53They're very similar really, you know.
0:20:53 > 0:20:56In both cases, you need a man with a stick to get them started.
0:20:58 > 0:21:01So, accompanied by the world's largest string quartet,
0:21:01 > 0:21:05I shall now give you the first and possibly only performance
0:21:05 > 0:21:08of my new song, The Good Old Days. Mr Herrmann, please, sir.
0:21:08 > 0:21:11ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO SONG
0:21:18 > 0:21:20# My grandma used to tell me
0:21:20 > 0:21:23# How when she was a young thing
0:21:23 > 0:21:25# The family would gather
0:21:25 > 0:21:27# Round the piano for a sing... #
0:21:27 > 0:21:30PIANIST PLAYS
0:21:30 > 0:21:33# There was then a violin solo... #
0:21:33 > 0:21:35VIOLINIST PLAYS
0:21:35 > 0:21:38# From Grandma's elder brother
0:21:38 > 0:21:41# Which they clapped but not too loudly
0:21:41 > 0:21:43# In case he sang another
0:21:44 > 0:21:47She said, "It snowed each Christmas
0:21:47 > 0:21:49"And the poems used to rhyme
0:21:49 > 0:21:52"And the buses had conductors
0:21:52 > 0:21:55"And they came one at a time"
0:21:55 > 0:22:00# How happily my grandma used to sigh
0:22:00 > 0:22:06# As she'd look back on the days gone by and lie
0:22:06 > 0:22:08# About the good old days
0:22:08 > 0:22:11# She called them the good old days
0:22:11 > 0:22:15# The days which once was black are golden, looking back
0:22:15 > 0:22:19# Isn't it amazing all the things time can erase
0:22:19 > 0:22:24# Leaving just the good old days
0:22:29 > 0:22:34# Why do we tell the young that we lived high upon the hog
0:22:34 > 0:22:39# Instead of just admitting there was rationing and smog?
0:22:39 > 0:22:44# The stuff I tell my kids about my youth is just as wrong
0:22:44 > 0:22:47# How my side won each game 3-0
0:22:47 > 0:22:49# And the beer was twice as strong
0:22:49 > 0:22:52# And the children scoff then grow up
0:22:52 > 0:22:55# And to their own children say
0:22:55 > 0:22:57# Things is really awful now
0:22:57 > 0:23:00# Compared with my young day
0:23:00 > 0:23:05# Course they don't like looking back as much as me
0:23:05 > 0:23:12# Nostalgia isn't what it used to be
0:23:12 > 0:23:14# Not in the good old days
0:23:14 > 0:23:16# I call them the good old days
0:23:16 > 0:23:20# The days which once was black are golden, looking back
0:23:20 > 0:23:24# Isn't it amazing all the things time can raise
0:23:24 > 0:23:27# Leaving just the good old days
0:23:27 > 0:23:30# Let's hear it for the good old days
0:23:30 > 0:23:33# They call it the good old days
0:23:33 > 0:23:35# Today which we malign
0:23:35 > 0:23:37# Tomorrow will look fine
0:23:37 > 0:23:41# So when somebody rambles on the golden days of yore
0:23:41 > 0:23:45# Make him put a sock in it Don't let him be a bore
0:23:45 > 0:23:50# We'll hear it anyway because it won't be long before
0:23:50 > 0:23:54# These are the good old days
0:23:54 > 0:23:59# And not the past, not the future, but now
0:23:59 > 0:24:06# These are the good old days. #
0:24:06 > 0:24:09APPLAUSE
0:24:23 > 0:24:26Unequivocally,
0:24:26 > 0:24:31the ultimate in velutinous virility.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:24:33 > 0:24:36A real Irish tenor.
0:24:36 > 0:24:38From America,
0:24:38 > 0:24:42Mr Robert White!
0:24:42 > 0:24:45APPLAUSE
0:24:48 > 0:24:52# Trotting to the fair Me and Molly Molony
0:24:52 > 0:24:57# Seated, I declare, on a single pony
0:24:57 > 0:25:00# How am I to know that Molly's safe behind?
0:25:00 > 0:25:07# With our heads in, oh, that awkward, awkward way inclined
0:25:07 > 0:25:12# By her gentle breathing Whispered past my ear
0:25:12 > 0:25:18# And her small arms wreathing Warm around me here
0:25:23 > 0:25:27# Thus on Dobbin's back I discoursed the darling
0:25:27 > 0:25:31# Till upon our track leapt a mongrel, snarling
0:25:31 > 0:25:34# "Ah," says Moll, "I'm frightened, frightened that the pony'll start"
0:25:34 > 0:25:42# And her pretty hands she tightened round my happy heart
0:25:42 > 0:25:46# Till I asked her "May I steal a kiss or so?"
0:25:46 > 0:25:51# And my Molly's grey eye didn't answer no
0:25:51 > 0:25:58# She didn't answer no. #
0:25:58 > 0:26:01APPLAUSE
0:26:09 > 0:26:11In the good old days, when I was a little lad,
0:26:11 > 0:26:14my father taught me a lot of songs and amongst the first of them,
0:26:14 > 0:26:18was one of my favourites, even to this day - Duna.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27# When I was a little lad
0:26:27 > 0:26:31# With folly on my lips
0:26:31 > 0:26:34# Fain was I for journeying
0:26:34 > 0:26:37# All the seas in ships
0:26:37 > 0:26:41# But now across the southern swell
0:26:41 > 0:26:45# Every dawn I hear
0:26:45 > 0:26:48# The little streams of Duna
0:26:48 > 0:26:55# Running clear
0:26:55 > 0:26:59# The little streams of Duna
0:26:59 > 0:27:04# Running clear
0:27:09 > 0:27:12# When I was a young man
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# Before my beard was grey
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# All to ships and sailoring
0:27:18 > 0:27:22# I gave my heart away
0:27:22 > 0:27:27# But I'm weary of the sea wind
0:27:27 > 0:27:31# I'm weary of the foam
0:27:31 > 0:27:36# And the little stars of Duna
0:27:36 > 0:27:44# Call me home
0:27:44 > 0:27:48# The little stars of Duna
0:27:48 > 0:27:55# Call me home
0:27:55 > 0:27:59# The little stars of Duna
0:27:59 > 0:28:15# Call me home. #
0:28:18 > 0:28:21APPLAUSE
0:28:33 > 0:28:41# I'll take you home again, Kathleen
0:28:41 > 0:28:48# Across the ocean wild and wide
0:28:48 > 0:28:55# To where your heart has ever been
0:28:55 > 0:29:03# Since first you were my bonnie bride
0:29:03 > 0:29:10# The roses all have left your cheek
0:29:10 > 0:29:18# I've watched them fade away and die
0:29:18 > 0:29:26# Your voice is sad whene'er you speak
0:29:26 > 0:29:35# And tears bedim your loving eye
0:29:35 > 0:29:45# Oh, I will take you back, Kathleen
0:29:45 > 0:29:53# To where your heart shall feel no pain
0:29:53 > 0:30:03# And when the fields are fresh and green
0:30:03 > 0:30:13# I'll take you to your home
0:30:13 > 0:30:23# Again. #
0:30:23 > 0:30:27APPLAUSE
0:30:38 > 0:30:42APPLAUSE
0:30:44 > 0:30:49Uniquely inconsequential,
0:30:49 > 0:30:51inimitable,
0:30:51 > 0:30:53incomparable,
0:30:53 > 0:30:58the one and only Mr Roy Hudd!
0:30:58 > 0:31:02APPLAUSE
0:31:02 > 0:31:04Whoa!
0:31:04 > 0:31:08# Our parlour wanted papering and Pa said it was waste
0:31:08 > 0:31:11# To call a paperhanger in So he made some paste
0:31:11 > 0:31:14# He bought some rolls of paper Got a ladder and a brush
0:31:14 > 0:31:17# And with my mother's nightie on, at it he made a rush
0:31:17 > 0:31:21# When Father papered the parlour, you couldn't see Pa for paste
0:31:21 > 0:31:24# And dabbing it here, dabbing it there, paste and paper everywhere
0:31:24 > 0:31:27# Mother was stuck to the ceiling The kids were stuck to the floor
0:31:27 > 0:31:31# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before... #
0:31:31 > 0:31:32Oh!
0:31:33 > 0:31:35I'm coming back!
0:31:37 > 0:31:40# Soon Dad fell down the stairs and dropped his paperhanger's can
0:31:40 > 0:31:44# On little Henrietta sitting there with her young man
0:31:44 > 0:31:47# The paste stuck them together We thought it would be for life
0:31:47 > 0:31:50# We had to call the parson in to make them man and wife
0:31:50 > 0:31:54# When Father papered the parlour, you couldn't see Pa for paste
0:31:54 > 0:31:57# Dabbing it here, dabbing it there Paste and paper everywhere
0:31:57 > 0:32:01# Mother was stuck to the ceiling The kids were stuck to the floor
0:32:01 > 0:32:03# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before... #
0:32:03 > 0:32:06I'm going the other way now, Mr Sachs.
0:32:06 > 0:32:08I work it all out myself.
0:32:10 > 0:32:13# We're never going to move away from that house any more
0:32:13 > 0:32:17# Cos Father's gone and stuck the chairs and tables to the floor
0:32:17 > 0:32:20# We can't find our piano though it's broad and rather tall
0:32:20 > 0:32:23# We think that it's behind the paper Pa stuck on the wall
0:32:23 > 0:32:27# When Father papered the parlour, you couldn't see Pa for paste
0:32:27 > 0:32:31# Dabbing it here, dabbing it there Paste and paper everywhere
0:32:31 > 0:32:34# Mother was stuck to the ceiling The kids were stuck to the floor
0:32:34 > 0:32:37# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before
0:32:37 > 0:32:41# I never knew a blooming family so stuck up before. #
0:32:41 > 0:32:44APPLAUSE
0:32:44 > 0:32:47Thank you! Thank you!
0:32:50 > 0:32:54- Thank you and good evening! AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:32:54 > 0:32:57Do you like the suit?
0:32:57 > 0:33:00The Barney Colehan tartan.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Very small checks.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05LAUGHTER
0:33:05 > 0:33:09Now, ladies and gentlemen, to start my recital this evening,
0:33:09 > 0:33:12a short monologue is spoken from the mouth...
0:33:12 > 0:33:14LAUGHTER
0:33:14 > 0:33:18..entitled A Sailor's Farewell To His Horse.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20DRUMBEAT Thank you.
0:33:20 > 0:33:23'Twas a dirty night and a dirty trick
0:33:23 > 0:33:26When our ship turned over in the Atlantic
0:33:26 > 0:33:28DRUMBEAT
0:33:28 > 0:33:30It was on the schooner Hesperous
0:33:31 > 0:33:33We lay asleep in our bunks
0:33:33 > 0:33:36Bound for a cruise where they don't have revues
0:33:36 > 0:33:38With a cargo of elephants' trunks
0:33:39 > 0:33:43The sea was as smooth as a baby's top lip
0:33:45 > 0:33:47Not even a policeman in sight
0:33:47 > 0:33:50And the little sardines had got into their tins
0:33:50 > 0:33:52And pulled down the lids for the night
0:33:52 > 0:33:54DRUMBEAT
0:33:56 > 0:33:58We hadn't gone far down the Channel
0:33:58 > 0:33:59When a terrible storm arose
0:33:59 > 0:34:01The captain stood on the bridge of the ship
0:34:01 > 0:34:03And I stood on the bridge of his nose
0:34:06 > 0:34:08"This ship's going down," said old Bosun Brown
0:34:08 > 0:34:11"I'm sure that we'll never reach Blighty"
0:34:11 > 0:34:13"Women and children first," cried the mate
0:34:13 > 0:34:15So I put on the old girl's nightie
0:34:15 > 0:34:17DRUMBEAT
0:34:17 > 0:34:19I swam out to Sidney on my floating kidney
0:34:21 > 0:34:23Then back to Alsace Lorraine
0:34:23 > 0:34:26As I climbed on the pier, the wife shouted, "I'm here!"
0:34:26 > 0:34:28So I dived in the water again
0:34:29 > 0:34:32I said to a girl, "You must swim for your life
0:34:32 > 0:34:35"Or hang on to a buoy, if you can"...
0:34:35 > 0:34:38LAUGHTER
0:34:40 > 0:34:42She looked at me, coy, and said, "You're not a boy"
0:34:42 > 0:34:44"Get out, you're a dirty old man!"
0:34:44 > 0:34:46DRUMBEAT Thank you!
0:34:50 > 0:34:52Thank you!
0:34:53 > 0:34:56They don't write them like that any more, I tell you.
0:34:56 > 0:34:59And I know you're going to join me in expressing your approbation
0:34:59 > 0:35:02to the gentleman who provided such a brilliant accompaniment to that,
0:35:02 > 0:35:05ladies and gentlemen. Our drummer, Bob, yes.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07APPLAUSE
0:35:09 > 0:35:11A novel sight, ladies and gentlemen.
0:35:11 > 0:35:14A good Jewish boy playing on pigskin.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16LAUGHTER
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Would you like some more? Yes, we would. All right.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Believe it or not, I've had a request tonight,
0:35:23 > 0:35:26ladies and gentlemen. Well, actually I've had two requests.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29The first was a physical impossibility. Thank you.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31But the second one, someone has asked me to sing
0:35:31 > 0:35:33an Albert Chevalier song.
0:35:33 > 0:35:35Not My Old Dutch, but one I think that's almost as beautiful.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37I'm delighted to do it for you tonight,
0:35:37 > 0:35:40a song called The Future Mrs Hawkins.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50I knows a little doner
0:35:50 > 0:35:52I'm about to own 'er
0:35:52 > 0:35:55She's a-goin' to marry me
0:35:57 > 0:35:59At first she said she wouldn't
0:35:59 > 0:36:01Then she said she couldn't
0:36:01 > 0:36:04Then she whispered, "Well, I'll see".
0:36:06 > 0:36:09# Says I, "Be Mrs 'Awkins
0:36:09 > 0:36:11# "Mrs 'Enry 'Awkins
0:36:11 > 0:36:14# "Or across the seas I'll roam
0:36:15 > 0:36:18# "So 'elp me, Bob, I'm crazy
0:36:18 > 0:36:21# "Liza, you're a daisy
0:36:21 > 0:36:24# "Won't you share my 'umble 'ome?"
0:36:24 > 0:36:26# "Won't you?"
0:36:27 > 0:36:30# Oh, Liza
0:36:30 > 0:36:33# Sweet Liza
0:36:33 > 0:36:36# If you die an old maid
0:36:36 > 0:36:40# You'll 'ave only yourself to blame
0:36:40 > 0:36:43# Do you 'ear, Liza
0:36:43 > 0:36:45# Dear Liza
0:36:45 > 0:36:48# 'Ow do you fancy 'Awkins
0:36:48 > 0:36:53# For your other name... #
0:37:04 > 0:37:06I shan't forget our greetin'
0:37:06 > 0:37:09"Get out!" was 'er greetin'
0:37:09 > 0:37:11"Just you mind what you're about"
0:37:13 > 0:37:15'Er pretty 'head she throws up
0:37:15 > 0:37:18Then she turns 'er nose up
0:37:18 > 0:37:21Sayin', "Let me go, I'll shout"
0:37:23 > 0:37:25"I like your style," says Liza
0:37:25 > 0:37:27I thought as I'd surprise 'er
0:37:27 > 0:37:30I cops 'er round the waist like this
0:37:31 > 0:37:34Says she, "I must be dreamin'
0:37:34 > 0:37:37"Chuck it, I'll start screamin'"
0:37:37 > 0:37:40"If you do," says I, "I'll kiss"
0:37:41 > 0:37:43Now then...
0:37:43 > 0:37:47# Oh, Liza
0:37:47 > 0:37:50# Sweet Liza
0:37:50 > 0:37:53# If you die an old maid
0:37:53 > 0:37:56# You'll 'ave only yourself to blame
0:37:56 > 0:37:59# Do you 'ear, Liza?
0:37:59 > 0:38:02# Dear Liza
0:38:02 > 0:38:11# Mrs 'Enry 'Awkins is a first-class name. #
0:38:13 > 0:38:16Yes! APPLAUSE
0:38:17 > 0:38:21- Thank you! Ho-ho! - See you later.- Thank you.
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Whoa!
0:38:25 > 0:38:26Thank you!
0:38:33 > 0:38:36In a medley of the songs
0:38:36 > 0:38:40of none other than Miss Ella Shields,
0:38:40 > 0:38:44the Players Theatre enhances the elegances
0:38:44 > 0:38:48of Miss Jenny Till!
0:38:48 > 0:38:50APPLAUSE
0:39:26 > 0:39:29# He's Bertie the Bounder A dandy, that's true
0:39:29 > 0:39:33# The ladies all love him and very nice too
0:39:33 > 0:39:37# When they see him out in the street
0:39:37 > 0:39:41# They all sigh and follow How sweet
0:39:41 > 0:39:44# If there is a fight on, he's right on the spot
0:39:44 > 0:39:48# He's no fear of danger By jingo, he's hot
0:39:48 > 0:39:52# When he smiles, I do declare he barely makes the ladies stare
0:39:52 > 0:39:55# Devastating, dashing, what-what. #
0:40:07 > 0:40:11Columbus discovered America and found it full of rain
0:40:11 > 0:40:15Then Pussyfoot came by train and made it dry again
0:40:15 > 0:40:19Many great men have done their bit to improve the world, they say
0:40:19 > 0:40:24But who is it made the universe just what it is today?
0:40:24 > 0:40:28Smith, Jones, Robinson and Brown
0:40:28 > 0:40:32Known in every town as men of great renown
0:40:32 > 0:40:35Their name brought old Britain fame
0:40:35 > 0:40:39In every port, at any old sport They always played the game
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Who is it fights when danger's near?
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Who's the best judge of a glass of beer?
0:40:43 > 0:40:47Smith, Jones, Robinson and Brown.
0:40:47 > 0:40:50- Smith.- Jones.- Robinson.- Brown.
0:40:50 > 0:40:54# Known in every town as men of great renown
0:40:54 > 0:40:58# Their name brought old Britain fame
0:40:58 > 0:41:02# In every port, at any old sport They always played the game... #
0:41:02 > 0:41:06Who is it gives three hearty cheers for Mademoiselle from Armentieres?
0:41:06 > 0:41:10Smith, Jones, Robinson and Brown.
0:41:13 > 0:41:17If you knew Susie like I know Susie...
0:41:17 > 0:41:20# Oh, oh, oh, what a girl... #
0:41:20 > 0:41:24There's none so classy as this fair lassie...
0:41:24 > 0:41:28- # Oh, oh... # - Holy Moses, what a chassis
0:41:28 > 0:41:31We went riding, she didn't balk
0:41:31 > 0:41:35From the country, I'm the one that had to walk...
0:41:35 > 0:41:39# If you knew Susie like I know Susie
0:41:39 > 0:41:42# Oh, oh, what a girl. #
0:41:42 > 0:41:45# And there is Adeline
0:41:45 > 0:41:48# You've heard them sing about sweet Adeline
0:41:48 > 0:41:52# Well, let me tell you she's a pal of mine
0:41:52 > 0:41:54# She's divine
0:41:54 > 0:41:59# That's just why I'm going back to see my little Adeline
0:41:59 > 0:42:03# I'll write a letter and I'll add a line
0:42:03 > 0:42:06# And tell her that I'm going to make her mine
0:42:06 > 0:42:11# The bells will chime for me and my sweet Adeline
0:42:11 > 0:42:14- # Adeline- Adeline
0:42:14 > 0:42:17- # You've heard us sing about sweet Adeline- Adeline
0:42:17 > 0:42:20# Well, let me tell you she's a pal of mine
0:42:20 > 0:42:22# Yes, she's divine
0:42:22 > 0:42:25# That's just why I'm going back
0:42:25 > 0:42:28- # To see my little Adeline - Adeline
0:42:28 > 0:42:30# I'll write a letter and I'll add a line
0:42:30 > 0:42:32# Yes, Adeline
0:42:32 > 0:42:34# To tell her that I'm going to make her mine
0:42:34 > 0:42:36# The bells will chime
0:42:36 > 0:42:39# For me and my sweet Adeline
0:42:39 > 0:42:50# For me and my sweet Adeline. #
0:42:50 > 0:42:53APPLAUSE
0:43:16 > 0:43:20I'm Bert, perhaps you have heard of me
0:43:20 > 0:43:24Bert, you've heard word of me
0:43:24 > 0:43:28Jogging along, hearty and strong
0:43:28 > 0:43:31Living on plates of fresh air
0:43:31 > 0:43:35I dress up in fashion
0:43:35 > 0:43:38And when I'm feeling depressed
0:43:38 > 0:43:43I shave from my cuff all the whiskers and fluff
0:43:43 > 0:43:47Put my hat on and toddle up West
0:43:48 > 0:43:53I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at ten thirty
0:43:53 > 0:43:56And saunter along like a toff
0:43:56 > 0:44:00I'll stroll down the Strand with my gloves on my hand
0:44:00 > 0:44:03And I'll stroll back again with them off
0:44:03 > 0:44:08I'm all airs and graces, correct easy paces
0:44:08 > 0:44:11Without food so long I forget where my face is
0:44:11 > 0:44:15I'm Bert, Bert I haven't a shirt
0:44:15 > 0:44:18But my people are well off, you know
0:44:18 > 0:44:21Nearly everyone knows me
0:44:21 > 0:44:24From Smith to Lord Rosebury
0:44:24 > 0:44:28Well, I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow
0:44:36 > 0:44:40I smile condescendingly
0:44:40 > 0:44:43While they're extending me
0:44:43 > 0:44:47Cheer upon cheer, when I appear
0:44:47 > 0:44:50A captain with my polo team
0:44:50 > 0:44:54So strict are my people
0:44:54 > 0:44:58With their William the Conqueror's strain
0:44:58 > 0:45:03If they ever knew I'd been talking to you
0:45:03 > 0:45:06Why they'd never look at me again
0:45:08 > 0:45:11I'm Burlington Bertie I rise at ten thirty
0:45:11 > 0:45:15Then Buckingham Palace I'll view
0:45:15 > 0:45:19I'll stand in the yard while they're changing the guard
0:45:19 > 0:45:22And they all shout across "Toodle-oo"
0:45:22 > 0:45:26Then the Prince of Wales' brother, along with some other
0:45:26 > 0:45:30Claps me on the back and says, "Come and see Mother"
0:45:30 > 0:45:34I'm Bert, Bert, and royalty's hurt
0:45:34 > 0:45:38When they ask me to dine, I say "No
0:45:38 > 0:45:41"I've just had a banana
0:45:41 > 0:45:44"With Lady Diana
0:45:44 > 0:45:48Well, I'm Burlington Bertie from Bow.
0:45:50 > 0:45:53APPLAUSE
0:46:03 > 0:46:06When I'm happy, when I'm happy
0:46:06 > 0:46:08Singing all the while
0:46:08 > 0:46:11I don't need nobody then
0:46:11 > 0:46:14To show me how to smile
0:46:14 > 0:46:17When I've been out on the spree...
0:46:17 > 0:46:19# Toddling down the street
0:46:19 > 0:46:23# With this little melody
0:46:23 > 0:46:26# Everyone I greet... #
0:46:29 > 0:46:32Show me the way to go home
0:46:33 > 0:46:35I'm tired and I want to go to bed
0:46:36 > 0:46:40I had a little drink about an hour ago
0:46:40 > 0:46:44And it's gone right to my head
0:46:45 > 0:46:48Wherever I may roam
0:46:48 > 0:46:53On land or sea or foam
0:46:53 > 0:46:57You can always hear me singing this song
0:46:57 > 0:47:00Show me the way to go home...
0:47:02 > 0:47:05# Show me the way to go home
0:47:05 > 0:47:09# I'm tired and I want to go to bed
0:47:09 > 0:47:14# I had a little drink about an hour ago
0:47:14 > 0:47:18# And it's gone right to my head
0:47:18 > 0:47:22# Wherever I may roam
0:47:22 > 0:47:26# On land or sea or foam
0:47:26 > 0:47:30# You can always hear me singing this song
0:47:30 > 0:47:34# Show me the way to go home
0:47:34 > 0:47:38# Show me some way There's only one way
0:47:38 > 0:47:46# Show me the way to go home. #
0:47:46 > 0:47:49Show me the way to go home!
0:47:50 > 0:47:53APPLAUSE
0:48:05 > 0:48:09There's just time to ask Mr Roy Hudd
0:48:09 > 0:48:12to lead the company and yourselves in the last chorus for tonight,
0:48:12 > 0:48:13Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:48:13 > 0:48:15Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Roy Hudd,
0:48:15 > 0:48:17the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann
0:48:17 > 0:48:21and the entire and absolutely indefatigable orchestra!
0:48:21 > 0:48:23CHEERING
0:48:23 > 0:48:29But this time, chiefly yourselves!
0:48:32 > 0:48:36# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:48:36 > 0:48:39# Down at The Old Bull And Bush La-la-la-la-la
0:48:39 > 0:48:43# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:48:43 > 0:48:46# Down at The Old Bull And Bush
0:48:46 > 0:48:50# Hear the little German band La-la-la-la-la
0:48:50 > 0:48:53# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:48:53 > 0:48:57# Do, do, come and have a drink or two
0:48:57 > 0:49:01# Down at The Old Bull And Bush Bush, Bush. #
0:49:01 > 0:49:04APPLAUSE