0:00:02 > 0:00:05ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO TO WHERE DID YOU GET THAT HAT?
0:00:08 > 0:00:11# Oh, where did you get that hat?
0:00:11 > 0:00:13# Where did you get that tile?
0:00:13 > 0:00:17# Isn't it a nobby one and just the proper style?
0:00:17 > 0:00:21# I should like to have one just the same as that
0:00:21 > 0:00:22# Wherever I go, they'd shout, "Hello
0:00:22 > 0:00:25# "Where did you get that hat?" #
0:00:25 > 0:00:28CHEERING
0:00:31 > 0:00:34THE PLAYERS SHOUT AND LAUGH
0:00:43 > 0:00:47# I'm a bold, bad villain I roam the angry sea
0:00:47 > 0:00:50# My life is one of crime and piracy
0:00:50 > 0:00:54# If a sweet young damsel should chance to catch my eye
0:00:54 > 0:00:57# I tell to her the story that the spider told the fly
0:00:57 > 0:01:01- # Then I snap my finger Ha, ha, ha, ha!- Ha, ha, ha, ha!
0:01:01 > 0:01:05- # And I snap the other one Ho, ho, ho, ho!- Ho, ho, ho, ho!
0:01:05 > 0:01:08# I don't care should the parent pine
0:01:08 > 0:01:11# Once aboard the lugger and the girl is mine
0:01:11 > 0:01:15- # Then I set my sails and sail away - Sail away
0:01:15 > 0:01:18# No pirate e'er was cooler
0:01:18 > 0:01:22# For wheree'er I go, I fear no foe
0:01:22 > 0:01:25# On the good ship Yacki-hicki-doo-la
0:01:25 > 0:01:29# On the good ship Yacki-hicki-doo-la. #
0:01:29 > 0:01:32# Yo ho, little girls, yo ho
0:01:32 > 0:01:34# That's so, little girls, that's so
0:01:34 > 0:01:36# Oh, it sounds all right in a sailor's song
0:01:36 > 0:01:39# But you find out soon that it all goes wrong
0:01:39 > 0:01:41# Heave ahead my hearties
0:01:41 > 0:01:43# And if you want to know
0:01:43 > 0:01:45# I'll spin you a yarn ahead and astarn
0:01:45 > 0:01:47# Yo ho, little girls, yo ho
0:01:47 > 0:01:49- # Yo ho, little girls, yo ho! - Yo, ho, yo, ho
0:01:49 > 0:01:51- # That's so, little girls, that's so - That's so, that's so
0:01:51 > 0:01:53# Oh, it sounds all right in a sailor's song
0:01:53 > 0:01:56# But you find out soon that it all goes wrong
0:01:56 > 0:01:58# Heave ahead my hearties
0:01:58 > 0:02:00# And if you want to know
0:02:00 > 0:02:02# I'll spin you a yarn ahead and astarn
0:02:02 > 0:02:04# Yo ho, little girls, yo ho. #
0:02:06 > 0:02:08# 'Twas in the broad Atlantic
0:02:08 > 0:02:10# Mid the equinoctial gale
0:02:10 > 0:02:12# A young fellow fell overboard
0:02:12 > 0:02:15# Among the sharks and whales
0:02:15 > 0:02:17# He fell right down so quickly
0:02:17 > 0:02:19# So headlong down fell he
0:02:19 > 0:02:21# But he went down the side like a streak of light
0:02:21 > 0:02:23# To the bottom of the deep blue sea
0:02:23 > 0:02:25# Singing Rule Britannia
0:02:25 > 0:02:27# Britannia rule the waves
0:02:27 > 0:02:30# Britons never, never, never shall be
0:02:30 > 0:02:32# Married to a mermaid
0:02:32 > 0:02:34# At the bottom of the deep blue sea
0:02:34 > 0:02:36# Singing Rule Britannia
0:02:36 > 0:02:38# Britannia rule the waves
0:02:38 > 0:02:41# Britons never, never, never shall be
0:02:41 > 0:02:43# Married to a mermaid
0:02:43 > 0:02:45# At the bottom of the deep blue sea. #
0:02:45 > 0:02:47Whoa!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49# Oh, whiskey is the life of man
0:02:49 > 0:02:52# Whiskey Johnny
0:02:52 > 0:02:54# I'll drink whiskey while I can
0:02:54 > 0:02:55# Whiskey, Whiskey Johnny
0:02:55 > 0:02:58# Whiskey hot and whiskey cold
0:02:58 > 0:03:00# Whiskey Johnny
0:03:00 > 0:03:02# Whiskey new and whiskey old
0:03:02 > 0:03:04# Whiskey, Whiskey Johnny
0:03:04 > 0:03:06# Whiskey here and whiskey there
0:03:06 > 0:03:08# Whiskey Johnny
0:03:08 > 0:03:10# I have whiskey everywhere
0:03:10 > 0:03:13# Whiskey, Whiskey Johnny
0:03:13 > 0:03:15# Whiskey made me porn my clothes
0:03:15 > 0:03:17# Whiskey Johnny
0:03:17 > 0:03:19# Whiskey gave me this red nose
0:03:19 > 0:03:21# Whiskey, Whiskey Johnny. #
0:03:21 > 0:03:23THEY SHOUT AND LAUGH
0:03:27 > 0:03:29# What shall we do with the drunken sailor?
0:03:29 > 0:03:30# What shall we do with the drunken sailor?
0:03:30 > 0:03:34# What shall we do with the drunken sailor early in the morning?
0:03:34 > 0:03:36# Put him in the long boat till he's sober
0:03:36 > 0:03:38# Put him in the long boat till he's sober
0:03:38 > 0:03:41# Put him in the long boat till he's sober early in the morning
0:03:41 > 0:03:44# Way-hay and up she rises
0:03:44 > 0:03:46# Way-hay and up she rises
0:03:46 > 0:03:49# Way-hay and up she rises early in the morning
0:03:49 > 0:03:53# Way-hay and up she rises
0:03:53 > 0:03:57# Way-hay and up she rises
0:03:57 > 0:04:00# Way-hay and up she rises
0:04:00 > 0:04:03# Early in the morning
0:04:05 > 0:04:11# Early in the morning, way-hay! #
0:04:11 > 0:04:14APPLAUSE
0:04:22 > 0:04:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:32 > 0:04:34CHEERING
0:04:34 > 0:04:36Once again...
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I thought you were never going to answer!
0:04:38 > 0:04:47..good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:04:47 > 0:04:49- AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:04:49 > 0:04:53Lovely, elucidatorally
0:04:53 > 0:04:57eulogising inaugurally for your approbation...
0:04:57 > 0:04:58- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:04:58 > 0:05:03..itinerant musical street vendors,
0:05:03 > 0:05:07the Cambridge Buskers!
0:05:07 > 0:05:10APPLAUSE
0:05:17 > 0:05:21THEY PLAY A JAUNTY TUNE
0:05:39 > 0:05:42HE PLAYS TWO HARMONIES SIMULTANEOUSLY
0:06:31 > 0:06:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:49 > 0:06:53THEY PLAY A JAUNTY TUNE
0:07:22 > 0:07:25THEY PLAY A JAUNTY TUNE
0:07:55 > 0:07:59THEY SPEED UP
0:08:06 > 0:08:10APPLAUSE
0:08:26 > 0:08:32An exposition of post inebriacy...
0:08:32 > 0:08:34- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:08:34 > 0:08:36..tristesse.
0:08:36 > 0:08:39- French for a hangover. - LAUGHTER
0:08:39 > 0:08:45The outrageous grotesquery of the musicologist's nightmare,
0:08:45 > 0:08:51caviar to some several European generals...
0:08:51 > 0:08:56Madame Anna Dawson!
0:08:56 > 0:08:59APPLAUSE
0:09:09 > 0:09:11Oh!
0:09:12 > 0:09:16# Last night was one of those nights you remember
0:09:18 > 0:09:22# The kind of night that you never forget
0:09:25 > 0:09:31# A glass of wine, maybe two Who remembers?
0:09:32 > 0:09:36# A lot of laughs with the people you met... #
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Ha-ha-ha... Oh!
0:09:38 > 0:09:43# A cavalry officer simply divine showed me his spurs... #
0:09:43 > 0:09:46- AUDIENCE:- Ooh...
0:09:46 > 0:09:51# Or did I show him mine?
0:09:51 > 0:09:56# Though I know that I had a ball
0:09:56 > 0:10:02# I can't recall last night at all
0:10:03 > 0:10:07# What's that word I wrote on the wall?
0:10:07 > 0:10:10# I don't wish to recall
0:10:10 > 0:10:14# Last night at all... #
0:10:17 > 0:10:19Phew.
0:10:22 > 0:10:26# The night was perfect and bright stars were shining
0:10:28 > 0:10:33# At 12 o'clock I recall we had rain
0:10:35 > 0:10:41# A group sang madrigals while we were dining
0:10:42 > 0:10:48# Someone kept filling my glass with champagne
0:10:49 > 0:10:51# A woman got drunk It was dreadful to see
0:10:51 > 0:10:53# She stripped to the waist... #
0:10:53 > 0:10:55- AUDIENCE:- Ooh...
0:10:55 > 0:10:58# Oh, my God
0:10:58 > 0:11:02# Was that me?
0:11:04 > 0:11:08# Though I know that I had a ball
0:11:08 > 0:11:14# I don't recall last night at all
0:11:15 > 0:11:17# I lost my broach
0:11:17 > 0:11:21# I hope that was all
0:11:21 > 0:11:27# I don't wish to recall last night at all. #
0:11:30 > 0:11:33APPLAUSE
0:11:36 > 0:11:37Thank you!
0:11:45 > 0:11:47- AUDIENCE:- Whoa!
0:11:49 > 0:11:51Thank you.
0:11:51 > 0:11:55# Before I deliver a little encore
0:11:55 > 0:11:58# There's something I wish to make clear
0:11:58 > 0:12:01# They say I brought pleasure to millions or more
0:12:01 > 0:12:04# They say that my singing helped win the last war
0:12:04 > 0:12:09# When I sang to the troops in the rear
0:12:10 > 0:12:14# I'm a dame with a name at the peak of my fame
0:12:14 > 0:12:18# I'm known as the Empress of Song
0:12:18 > 0:12:22# The critics bravo And the critics should know
0:12:22 > 0:12:27# But I cannot help feeling they're wrong
0:12:27 > 0:12:35# I'm lauded, applauded, recorded, but list'
0:12:36 > 0:12:40# I've a musical flaw
0:12:40 > 0:12:45# That they seem to have missed
0:12:48 > 0:12:52# That they seem to have missed... #
0:12:53 > 0:12:56LAUGHTER
0:12:57 > 0:13:03# That they seem to have missed
0:13:05 > 0:13:08# I'm tone deaf
0:13:08 > 0:13:11# Music means nothing to me
0:13:11 > 0:13:15# It's only the way my accompanists play
0:13:15 > 0:13:17# That makes me appear I'm in key
0:13:18 > 0:13:21# Stone tone deaf
0:13:21 > 0:13:24# Can't tell a B from my F
0:13:24 > 0:13:28# I stand by my pianist, watching his face
0:13:28 > 0:13:31# For he told me to start when he gets to the place
0:13:31 > 0:13:33# Where he gives me a whacking great...
0:13:33 > 0:13:36DISCORDANT PIANO NOTE # ..in the bass
0:13:36 > 0:13:38# Because I'm tone
0:13:38 > 0:13:49OFF-KEY: # Deaf
0:13:51 > 0:13:53# I'm tone deaf
0:13:53 > 0:13:57# Never knew much about pitch
0:13:57 > 0:14:00# Some people you know can sing so-la-ti-do
0:14:00 > 0:14:03# And claim they can tell which is which
0:14:04 > 0:14:07# Stone tone deaf
0:14:07 > 0:14:10# Can't tell a B from an F
0:14:10 > 0:14:13# Stravinsky once said, "Now I don't want to carp
0:14:13 > 0:14:17# "But if that's a B natural played on that harp
0:14:17 > 0:14:20# "Then you're either B-flat, dear, or bloody B-sharp"
0:14:22 > 0:14:24# Oh, well, I'm tone
0:14:24 > 0:14:35OFF-KEY: # Deaf
0:14:38 > 0:14:41# I'm tone deaf
0:14:41 > 0:14:44# But in most modern works for the voice
0:14:44 > 0:14:47# The note that you hit doesn't matter a bit
0:14:47 > 0:14:51# So it's purely a matter of choice
0:14:51 > 0:14:54# Stone tone deaf
0:14:54 > 0:14:56# Musically D-E-A-F
0:14:56 > 0:15:00# Now, perhaps Covent Garden can do without me
0:15:00 > 0:15:05# But whilst I provide an exorbitant fee
0:15:05 > 0:15:12# I can always get work with the dear BBC... #
0:15:12 > 0:15:15PIANIST PLAYS THREE NOTES
0:15:15 > 0:15:18LAUGHTER
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# D-F-C... #
0:15:22 > 0:15:26PIANIST REPEATS PREVIOUS THREE NOTES
0:15:26 > 0:15:28# N-B-G...? #
0:15:28 > 0:15:30LAUGHTER
0:15:30 > 0:15:33# Oh, well, I'm tone
0:15:33 > 0:15:36# Deaf
0:15:36 > 0:15:39# Yes, I'm tone
0:15:39 > 0:15:47OFF-KEY: # Deaf. #
0:15:47 > 0:15:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:57 > 0:16:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:16:09 > 0:16:13Voluble in verisimilitudinous...
0:16:13 > 0:16:16From verisimilitude.
0:16:16 > 0:16:19..vicissit...
0:16:19 > 0:16:23..vicissitudinous vacuities,
0:16:23 > 0:16:28that darling buttonholing veteran of the Army...
0:16:28 > 0:16:30Who? Who but?
0:16:30 > 0:16:32Mr Clive... Say it.
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- ALL:- Dunn!
0:16:34 > 0:16:38APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:41ORCHESTRA PLAYS A MARCH
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Ladies and gent... HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:16:53 > 0:16:56Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Chairman,
0:16:56 > 0:16:59my lords, ladies and others...
0:16:59 > 0:17:01LAUGHTER
0:17:01 > 0:17:04It is not only a great honour to come to speak to you
0:17:04 > 0:17:06in this hall tonight,
0:17:06 > 0:17:09it is also highly inconvenient.
0:17:10 > 0:17:13I see, by the way, sir, that you're showing your medals.
0:17:13 > 0:17:15Really?
0:17:15 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER
0:17:16 > 0:17:21- Oh, the medals.- Yeah, yeah. - Yes, I got that one for bravery.- Oh.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- I saved the whole regiment from being killed.- How did you do that?
0:17:25 > 0:17:28I shot the cook. LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:32- AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Now, I've just remembered...
0:17:34 > 0:17:37- I've just remembered, Mr Sachs. - Yes, sir?
0:17:37 > 0:17:39Do you mind if I lend you my hat to look after for me?
0:17:39 > 0:17:42- No, it's a lovely topi.- I've just remembered where I last saw you.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45- Where was that? - In the Boer War, wasn't it?- Yes.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47Course it was!
0:17:47 > 0:17:50That was at the battle of Bloem... Boem.....
0:17:50 > 0:17:54Yeah, Bloemfontein. And Majuba Hill.
0:17:54 > 0:17:56You filthy swine. LAUGHTER
0:17:56 > 0:17:58Yeah, that was where it was.
0:17:58 > 0:18:01You were the young officer in charge of retreating. I remember you.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04You had them boots made with the heels in the front.
0:18:04 > 0:18:06I remember it well.
0:18:06 > 0:18:10I've got to tell you about Africa and this campaign I was in.
0:18:10 > 0:18:12It was terrifically exciting.
0:18:12 > 0:18:14Me and my young friend, we were really happy.
0:18:14 > 0:18:16We were in the infantry, you see.
0:18:16 > 0:18:20And we were having a nice time and, suddenly, a young officer came in
0:18:20 > 0:18:24and he said, "General Gordon wants to be relieved," he said.
0:18:24 > 0:18:28Well, I thought that sounded a bit of fun, you know.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32Anyway, he said, "You will have to join the Camel Corps
0:18:32 > 0:18:34"and you must have a medical examination."
0:18:34 > 0:18:37So, my friend went in to have his medical examination
0:18:37 > 0:18:41and he came out all smiles. I said, "What you smiling for?"
0:18:41 > 0:18:44He said, "I haven't got to go in the Camel Corps." I said, "Why not?"
0:18:44 > 0:18:48He said, "You know I have to wear this truss. I don't have to go in."
0:18:48 > 0:18:52So, I said, "Well, could you lend it to me for a few minutes?"
0:18:52 > 0:18:54So, he said, "Of course."
0:18:54 > 0:18:57So I went and hid behind a Sergeant Major and put it on
0:18:57 > 0:19:00and then I went in and the doctor gave me a thorough examination
0:19:00 > 0:19:02and he said, "Well, I'm afraid
0:19:02 > 0:19:04"you'll have to go in the Camel Corps."
0:19:04 > 0:19:06I said, "Why? What's the matter?"
0:19:06 > 0:19:09And he said, How long have you been wearing that?"
0:19:09 > 0:19:10I said, "Three years, sir."
0:19:10 > 0:19:13He said, "You're definitely going in the Camel Corps.
0:19:13 > 0:19:15"Anyone that can wear a truss upside down for three years
0:19:15 > 0:19:17"can ride a camel."
0:19:17 > 0:19:20LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:24 > 0:19:26An officer said, "Come along now, Jones!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29"Come along now! Get moving! Sound the advance!" I went...
0:19:29 > 0:19:32HE BLOWS THE BUGLE
0:19:32 > 0:19:35You've got it. It was a bloody difficult war to get started.
0:19:35 > 0:19:38Anyway, eventually, we all marched off in columns.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40We marched off into the African daytime.
0:19:40 > 0:19:44The dust was flying, and the army officer said,
0:19:44 > 0:19:48"Jonesy! Jonesy! Sound the get-down!"
0:19:48 > 0:19:50I'd never sounded a get-down, so I went...
0:19:50 > 0:19:51HE BLOWS THE BUGLE
0:19:51 > 0:19:54And the officer said, "I know what we'll do."
0:19:54 > 0:19:55He was a very excitable man.
0:19:55 > 0:19:58He said, "One platoon, platoon on the right,
0:19:58 > 0:20:00"fix bayonets and charge to the right.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02"Platoon on the left, fix bayonets, charge to the left.
0:20:02 > 0:20:05"Platoon in the middle, fix bayonets and charge down the centre.
0:20:05 > 0:20:07"Ready, run!" And off they went, woo-woo,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10and you couldn't see their bottoms for dust and small stones.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12Away they went, way, way, whoa, whoa.
0:20:12 > 0:20:16And he came to me, he crawled to me with a crooked smile on his face,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19and he said, "Jonesy, do you remember
0:20:19 > 0:20:21"when we were in the Crimea?" I said, "Yes."
0:20:21 > 0:20:23He said, "Do you remember when I got the platoon to fix bayonets
0:20:23 > 0:20:26"and charge to the east and another platoon to fix bayonets
0:20:26 > 0:20:28"and charge to the west and another platoon up the middle
0:20:28 > 0:20:30"and they all got killed?" I said, "Yes, sir."
0:20:30 > 0:20:32He said, "I think I've done it again."
0:20:32 > 0:20:35LAUGHTER
0:20:39 > 0:20:40And then...
0:20:40 > 0:20:43APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:20:44 > 0:20:47And then, suddenly, something terrible happened.
0:20:47 > 0:20:50The tribe out on the right, they started to shout their cry.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53Ya bum! Ya bum! Ya bum!
0:20:54 > 0:20:56No, no, they didn't. What did they say?
0:20:56 > 0:20:59No, that lot, they shouted, "Ya ba!" That's right, ya ba.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02It was a different tribe, you see. Ya ba! Ya ba!
0:21:02 > 0:21:04Listen, I can't do all this on my own.
0:21:04 > 0:21:07Would you mind being that tribe all from down the middle?
0:21:07 > 0:21:10When I hold my arm up, would you shout "Ya ba" for me, like that?
0:21:10 > 0:21:14- Ya ba! HALF THE AUDIENCE:- Ya ba! Ya ba! Ya ba!
0:21:14 > 0:21:17That's very, very good. Can you just remember those two words?
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Now, the tribe on the west, I'm listening there with my earhole
0:21:20 > 0:21:23and I heard them shouting, "Ya bum! Ya bum!"
0:21:23 > 0:21:25LAUGHTER
0:21:25 > 0:21:30If there are any clergyman, you can say, "Ya boom". Will you do that?
0:21:30 > 0:21:32- Right, ya bum! AUDIENCE:- Ya bum! Ya bum!
0:21:32 > 0:21:35TOGETHER: Ya bum! Ya boom! Ya bum! Ya boom!
0:21:35 > 0:21:36See, that's the way it was.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Then, all this time, there was a big tribe of hyenas,
0:21:39 > 0:21:41laughing their heads off.
0:21:42 > 0:21:44Do you mind being the tribe...?
0:21:44 > 0:21:46LAUGHTER
0:21:46 > 0:21:49They were going like this... Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:21:50 > 0:21:52Would you do that for me?
0:21:52 > 0:21:54AUDIENCE IN THE BALCONY LAUGH
0:21:54 > 0:21:55Very good indeed. Thank you very much.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Give them a big round of applause. Yay.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01Right, so, you're going, "Ya ba..."
0:22:01 > 0:22:05- TOGETHER:- Ya bum! Ya ba! Ya bum! Ya ba! Ya bum!
0:22:05 > 0:22:06Ha-ha-ha-ha!
0:22:06 > 0:22:09Ya ba! Ya bum! Ya ba! Ya bum! Ya ba! Ya bum!
0:22:09 > 0:22:13- DRUMS START ACCOMPANIMENT - Ya ba! Ya bum! Ya ba! Ya bum!
0:22:13 > 0:22:15ORCHESTRA PLAYS INTRO
0:22:15 > 0:22:18# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:22:18 > 0:22:22# It's a long way to go
0:22:22 > 0:22:25# It's a long way to Tipperary
0:22:25 > 0:22:30# To the sweetest girl I know
0:22:30 > 0:22:34# Goodbye, Piccadilly
0:22:34 > 0:22:37# Farewell, Leicester Square
0:22:37 > 0:22:41# It's a long, long way to Tipperary
0:22:41 > 0:22:46# But my heart's right there. #
0:22:46 > 0:22:50# Pack up your troubles in your old kitbag
0:22:50 > 0:22:54# And smile, smile, smile
0:22:54 > 0:22:58# While you've a lucifer to light your fag
0:22:58 > 0:23:01# Smile, boys, that's the style
0:23:01 > 0:23:05# What's the use of worrying?
0:23:05 > 0:23:09# It never was worthwhile
0:23:09 > 0:23:13# So, pack up your troubles in your old kitbag
0:23:13 > 0:23:21# And smile, smile, smile. #
0:23:21 > 0:23:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:30 > 0:23:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:23:39 > 0:23:44Ladies and gentlemen, I know that it will give my dear sister-in-law
0:23:44 > 0:23:46and all of you particular pleasure
0:23:46 > 0:23:48that I now am privileged to announce
0:23:48 > 0:23:53- the charismatic crystallinity... - AUDIENCE:- Whoo!
0:23:53 > 0:23:58..of those sibling scintillant serenaders,
0:23:58 > 0:24:04Mr Vernon and Miss Maryetta Midgley!
0:24:04 > 0:24:07APPLAUSE
0:24:07 > 0:24:11MUSIC: Tornami A Dir from Don Pasquale by Gaetano Donizetti
0:24:13 > 0:24:17THEY SING TORNAMI A DIR IN ITALIAN
0:24:58 > 0:25:02THEY SING TORNAMI A DIR IN ITALIAN
0:25:38 > 0:25:42THEY SING TORNAMI A DIR IN ITALIAN
0:26:19 > 0:26:23THEY SING TORNAMI A DIR IN ITALIAN
0:26:58 > 0:27:01APPLAUSE
0:27:21 > 0:27:26# No rose in all the world
0:27:26 > 0:27:30# Until you came
0:27:30 > 0:27:34# No star until you smiled
0:27:34 > 0:27:36# Upon life's sea
0:27:36 > 0:27:38# Upon life's sea
0:27:38 > 0:27:44# No song in all the world
0:27:44 > 0:27:46# Until you spoke
0:27:46 > 0:27:49# Until you spoke
0:27:49 > 0:27:51# No hope
0:27:51 > 0:27:54# No hope
0:27:54 > 0:28:00# Until you gave your heart
0:28:00 > 0:28:04# To me
0:28:16 > 0:28:22# Oh, rose, bloom ever in
0:28:22 > 0:28:24# My lonely heart
0:28:24 > 0:28:27# My lonely heart
0:28:27 > 0:28:31# Oh, star, shine steadfast
0:28:31 > 0:28:36# With your light divine
0:28:36 > 0:28:39# Ring on, oh, song
0:28:39 > 0:28:45# Your melody of joy
0:28:45 > 0:28:47# Your melody of joy
0:28:47 > 0:28:50# Life's crowned at last
0:28:50 > 0:28:53# Life's crowned at last
0:28:53 > 0:28:56# And love
0:28:56 > 0:29:03# And love is ever
0:29:03 > 0:29:13# Mine. #
0:29:13 > 0:29:16CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:41 > 0:29:46In a protean proliferation,
0:29:46 > 0:29:51multi-talented and, with it, much-loved...
0:29:51 > 0:29:54your own, you're very, very own,
0:29:54 > 0:29:57Mr Roy Castle!
0:29:57 > 0:30:01APPLAUSE
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Thank you, sir. Thank you, sir. All right?
0:30:08 > 0:30:11AUDIENCE CLAPS IN RHYTHM
0:30:16 > 0:30:18AUDIENCE CLAPS MORE SLOWLY
0:30:18 > 0:30:21AUDIENCE CLAPS QUICKLY AND CHEER
0:30:21 > 0:30:23Thank you. I could have finished on that.
0:30:23 > 0:30:25LAUGHTER
0:30:25 > 0:30:27It's never going to go any better than that, is it?
0:30:27 > 0:30:30Well, goodnight, thank you very much. I've really enjoyed it.
0:30:30 > 0:30:32So, what am I going to sing?
0:30:32 > 0:30:35- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- Champagne Charlie. - Champagne Charlie?
0:30:35 > 0:30:38No, we can't be topical on this show.
0:30:38 > 0:30:40No, as a matter of fact,
0:30:40 > 0:30:45the record for opening and drinking a bottle of champagne
0:30:45 > 0:30:48by one person is 25 seconds.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51And they're still trying to get him down from up there.
0:30:51 > 0:30:55Let's try. 25 seconds. Are you counting, Sunbeam? OK.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58Da-da-da-da-da...
0:30:58 > 0:31:02LAUGHTER
0:31:02 > 0:31:04I'll get it. It'll be all right.
0:31:04 > 0:31:07AUDIENCE MEMBER SHRIEKS Ah... Ooh...
0:31:07 > 0:31:10Pull that end, pull that end. Pull it! Pull it!
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Pull it! Pull that end! LAUGHTER
0:31:13 > 0:31:15We'll have your hat off, don't worry!
0:31:15 > 0:31:19CHAMPAGNE CORK POPS Wait! Hello, hello...
0:31:21 > 0:31:24- AUDIENCE:- Ah...
0:31:24 > 0:31:28Dear, oh, dear, that's nice. All right, who's the culprit?
0:31:28 > 0:31:31Come on! Da-da-da-da-da.
0:31:31 > 0:31:34The first person to hiccup gets it. I'm watching you.
0:31:34 > 0:31:37Have that looked at and get it fingerprinted.
0:31:39 > 0:31:42Look who's wearing gloves. LAUGHTER
0:31:42 > 0:31:46No wonder he sent me out to look for the orchestra just before the show!
0:31:46 > 0:31:51No, I'm celebrating, ladies and gentlemen. Can you imagine?
0:31:51 > 0:31:55Here I am, in my hometown... celebrating.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58I have at last met Barney Colehan.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00LAUGHTER
0:32:00 > 0:32:02This is now my 73rd show here,
0:32:02 > 0:32:04until I get it right.
0:32:08 > 0:32:11APPLAUSE
0:32:11 > 0:32:13Just a moment.
0:32:13 > 0:32:17No, no, I'm really celebrating because I've met Mr Colehan.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19At last! I got this missive.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21It said, "You will come and meet me
0:32:21 > 0:32:25"to discuss what you are going to give to my clients," he said.
0:32:25 > 0:32:30So, that's it. At a local alehouse, we turned up there.
0:32:30 > 0:32:33I had to be there at two o'clock, so I was there at quarter to two.
0:32:33 > 0:32:36I thought, "I'll be there in good time." I was walking up and down...
0:32:36 > 0:32:39Pa-pa-pa-pa. ..wondering what he's going to be like, you know.
0:32:39 > 0:32:41I bet he'll be a big fellow
0:32:41 > 0:32:44with one earring...
0:32:46 > 0:32:50..and a tiara, and I won't be able to say anything about it.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53He'll be a big fellow. And then I suddenly started to get worried.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55You know how you get worried about your appearance?
0:32:55 > 0:32:59You think, "Well, I've got time, I'll just go and check."
0:32:59 > 0:33:02So, I thought, "I'll just nip into the men's room and check."
0:33:02 > 0:33:04And that's where I made my mistake.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Have you got any mistake music here?
0:33:06 > 0:33:09PIANIST PLAYS A TUNE
0:33:11 > 0:33:14ROY CASTLE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:33:16 > 0:33:19Teeth are all right. Confident there.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Hair's all right, no Yorkshire pudding in there.
0:33:25 > 0:33:26Bowtie, lovely.
0:33:26 > 0:33:28Well, hello, Mr Calhoun...
0:33:28 > 0:33:32No, no, no, no! Callaghan.
0:33:32 > 0:33:35I've forgot his name now already. Hello, Mr Colehan.
0:33:35 > 0:33:37Yeah, that's all right. I'll be all right.
0:33:37 > 0:33:41Hey there! Wait a minute, my hair is a little bit off.
0:33:41 > 0:33:47Um... Hello, hello, what's this here? Instant hair cream?
0:33:48 > 0:33:51What do you have to do? Insert penny.
0:33:51 > 0:33:53There, that's right.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55Hold out hand.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56Push plunger.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Pff!
0:33:58 > 0:34:01LAUGHTER
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Argh!
0:34:11 > 0:34:15That's all right, that's all right. To continue. Look at this!
0:34:15 > 0:34:17Freshen up with aftershave.
0:34:17 > 0:34:21Great! That means if I don't look too well, at least I'll smell good.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Da-da-da-da! Insert penny. Right.
0:34:26 > 0:34:28Hold out hand.
0:34:28 > 0:34:31Push plunger. Ha-ha-ha. Seen this before.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35Ow!
0:34:35 > 0:34:36Oh, no, no, no! I don't believe it!
0:34:36 > 0:34:40No, no, no, no! Where's the water? Water, water!
0:34:41 > 0:34:43HE SHRIEKS
0:34:43 > 0:34:44Oh, no, no!
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Cold, hot, cold, hot, cold...
0:34:47 > 0:34:48Cold.
0:34:48 > 0:34:50Wrong! Wrong! Wrong!
0:34:50 > 0:34:53Hot, cold, hot, cold...
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Oh...oh...
0:34:57 > 0:35:00Oh, yeah, yeah...
0:35:00 > 0:35:02Now then, where's the towel?
0:35:09 > 0:35:12It's stuck all right. I can see it's stuck.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Pull it hard.
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20LAUGHTER
0:35:24 > 0:35:28It's these funny jackets with the big flaps. I'm terribly sorry.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32The big flap. It was an accident. Is that all right with you?
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Ooh!
0:35:38 > 0:35:43Come on, come on. All right, what's all that about, Sunbeam, hey?
0:35:43 > 0:35:45Who do you think YOU are?
0:35:45 > 0:35:47Oh, hello, Mr Colehan.
0:35:47 > 0:35:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:03 > 0:36:04So, we discussed the whole thing,
0:36:04 > 0:36:10and he said, "Well...I think you ought to play something
0:36:10 > 0:36:12"you've never played before."
0:36:12 > 0:36:14So, I said, "What?" He said, "Well..."
0:36:14 > 0:36:16LAUGHTER
0:36:16 > 0:36:19Nice, isn't it? He had the upper hand.
0:36:19 > 0:36:22So, I'm going to play something I've never... Mr Herrmann...
0:36:22 > 0:36:24Is it Herming or Hemmings?
0:36:24 > 0:36:27- Ah, Mr Herrmann, thank you. You didn't pinch this, did you?- No, no.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Great. Lovely. Oh, where's the mouthpiece?
0:36:29 > 0:36:31LAUGHTER
0:36:31 > 0:36:34I've never played the xylophone before, have I, Mr Herrmann?
0:36:34 > 0:36:36- You haven't.- What is it? Yes...
0:36:36 > 0:36:38LAUGHTER
0:36:38 > 0:36:42# It's lovely, this Edwardian fun
0:36:42 > 0:36:45# Cos we still haven't faced the Hun
0:36:45 > 0:36:49# But we're all right cos we've got Clive Dunn... #
0:36:51 > 0:36:52Hey, don't panic.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY
0:36:54 > 0:36:57# It's good in the good old days. # Here we go now.
0:36:57 > 0:37:00HE PLAYS BANJOLELE
0:37:04 > 0:37:07ORCHESTRA JOIN IN
0:37:31 > 0:37:35HE TAPS IN RHYTHM TO THE MUSIC
0:38:05 > 0:38:08APPLAUSE
0:38:19 > 0:38:20Steady on.
0:38:23 > 0:38:26Come on, Bernard, pies have come! Back in the good old...
0:38:26 > 0:38:28# Back in the good old days
0:38:28 > 0:38:31# Back in the good
0:38:31 > 0:38:33# In the good old days. #
0:38:33 > 0:38:36- Oggy, oggy, oggy...- Oi, oi, oi! - That's about it for now.
0:38:38 > 0:38:39Whoa!
0:38:39 > 0:38:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:54 > 0:38:58Always exemplary auxiliaries,
0:38:58 > 0:39:02the Players Theatre assist in the deliration of the songs
0:39:02 > 0:39:06of Mr Fred Barnes with, ladies and gentlemen,
0:39:06 > 0:39:09the distinguished, debonair
0:39:09 > 0:39:15and very, very dashing Mr Dudley Stevens!
0:39:15 > 0:39:17APPLAUSE
0:39:21 > 0:39:24# Give me the moonlight
0:39:24 > 0:39:25# Give me the girl
0:39:25 > 0:39:30# And leave the rest to me
0:39:30 > 0:39:32# Give me a babbling brook
0:39:32 > 0:39:34# Give me a shady nook
0:39:34 > 0:39:38# Where no-one can see
0:39:38 > 0:39:40# Give me a bench for two
0:39:40 > 0:39:43# Where we can bill and coo
0:39:43 > 0:39:47# And mine she's bound to be
0:39:47 > 0:39:49# If there's anyone in doubt
0:39:49 > 0:39:51# And they'd like to try me out
0:39:51 > 0:39:53# Give me the moonlight
0:39:53 > 0:39:55# Give me the girl
0:39:55 > 0:39:59# And leave the rest to me. #
0:39:59 > 0:40:04# For I'm the black, black sheep of the family
0:40:04 > 0:40:07# Everybody runs me down
0:40:07 > 0:40:11# People shake their heads at me
0:40:11 > 0:40:15# Say I'm a disgrace to society
0:40:15 > 0:40:19# But I shall try my luck in the colonies
0:40:19 > 0:40:22# And there I'll rise or fall
0:40:22 > 0:40:24# And when I come back
0:40:24 > 0:40:26# Then the sheep that was black
0:40:26 > 0:40:30# Will perhaps be the whitest of them all. #
0:40:33 > 0:40:36# I've just been wandering all alone
0:40:36 > 0:40:38# Down Paradise Row
0:40:38 > 0:40:41# When I was a kiddie, I'd a sweetheart
0:40:41 > 0:40:44# And down there we would go
0:40:44 > 0:40:48# I called her Nelly and she called me Joe
0:40:48 > 0:40:50# And we would romp there hand in hand
0:40:50 > 0:40:54# Then we'd both sit down on a doorway there
0:40:54 > 0:41:00# And we'd picture the future grand
0:41:00 > 0:41:05# On Mother Kelly's doorstep
0:41:05 > 0:41:09- # Down Paradise Row - Mother Kelly's doorstep
0:41:09 > 0:41:13- # I'd sit along Nelly - He sits there
0:41:13 > 0:41:17- # She'd sit along Joe - She would sit along Joe
0:41:17 > 0:41:21# She'd got a little hole in her frock
0:41:21 > 0:41:23# A hole in her shoe
0:41:23 > 0:41:27# A hole in her sock where her toe peeped through
0:41:27 > 0:41:34# But Nelly was the smartest in our alley
0:41:34 > 0:41:38# On Mother Kelly's doorstep
0:41:38 > 0:41:43- # I'm wondering now - On Mother Kelly's doorstep
0:41:43 > 0:41:47- # If little girl Nelly - If little girl Nelly
0:41:47 > 0:41:51- # Remembers Joe, her beau - Remembers Joe
0:41:51 > 0:41:55# And does she love me
0:41:55 > 0:41:59# Like she used to
0:41:59 > 0:42:03# On Mother Kelly's doorstep
0:42:03 > 0:42:07# Down Paradise Row? #
0:42:09 > 0:42:12# Give me a million beautiful girls
0:42:12 > 0:42:16# To love, simply love all the time
0:42:16 > 0:42:19# If they're small, if they're tall
0:42:19 > 0:42:23# Anything in dresses and I'll fall for them all
0:42:23 > 0:42:26# Give me a million kisses and hugs
0:42:26 > 0:42:29# For loving is no crime
0:42:29 > 0:42:33# I'd like to love every girlie and then
0:42:33 > 0:42:37# Go back to the first and start all over again
0:42:37 > 0:42:40# Give me a million beautiful girls
0:42:40 > 0:42:44# But give me them one at a time
0:42:44 > 0:42:48# Give me a million beautiful girls
0:42:48 > 0:42:51# To love, simply love all the time
0:42:51 > 0:42:55# If they're tall, if they're small
0:42:55 > 0:42:58# Anything in dresses and I fall for them all
0:42:58 > 0:43:01# Give me a million kisses and hugs
0:43:01 > 0:43:05# For loving is no crime
0:43:05 > 0:43:08# Girls who are bashful but willing to learn
0:43:08 > 0:43:12# Leave me your address and then wait your turn
0:43:12 > 0:43:16# Give me a million beautiful girls
0:43:16 > 0:43:19# But give me them one at a time
0:43:19 > 0:43:21# Give me them, give me them
0:43:21 > 0:43:26# Give me them one at a time. #
0:43:26 > 0:43:29APPLAUSE
0:43:40 > 0:43:43Now, for everything that happens, there's a reason
0:43:43 > 0:43:47No matter if it's large or if it's small
0:43:47 > 0:43:51Now, why was poor old mother Adam teasing poor old father Adam
0:43:51 > 0:43:55In the autumn when she knew the leaves would fall?
0:43:56 > 0:44:01It's woman who has caused the trouble since the world began
0:44:01 > 0:44:07And you can bet your life that when you see a ruined man...
0:44:09 > 0:44:13# There's a woman, there's a woman
0:44:13 > 0:44:17# There's a woman at the bottom of it all... #
0:44:17 > 0:44:21Now, you will find many times through history
0:44:21 > 0:44:25A girl has made a fellow look at things he shouldn't see
0:44:25 > 0:44:28For a woman, for a woman
0:44:28 > 0:44:32Every day some fellow seems to fall
0:44:32 > 0:44:36Now, many years ago, before the days of you and I
0:44:36 > 0:44:40Somebody asked Nelson how he came to lose his eye
0:44:40 > 0:44:43Well, he ran his famous signal up and this was his reply
0:44:43 > 0:44:47"If England expects every man to do his duty and not ask why
0:44:47 > 0:44:50"There's a woman at the bottom of it all"
0:44:50 > 0:44:54Now everybody's heard of Jonah What a silly tale
0:44:54 > 0:44:58It seems that he fell overboard whilst in a heavy gale
0:44:58 > 0:45:03But when a fellow leaves his home to live inside a whale...
0:45:03 > 0:45:07HE LAUGHS
0:45:07 > 0:45:13# There's a woman at the bottom of it all... #
0:45:15 > 0:45:18There's a woman at the bottom of it all.
0:45:23 > 0:45:26APPLAUSE
0:45:34 > 0:45:39# I never worry if a girl is bashful
0:45:39 > 0:45:44# Or if a girl is shy
0:45:45 > 0:45:49# I never worry if she has that look
0:45:49 > 0:45:55# Of "Don't you dare kiss me" in her eye
0:45:55 > 0:46:01# I never worry if I want some loving
0:46:01 > 0:46:06# I know just what to try
0:46:06 > 0:46:11# You may wonder what I do
0:46:11 > 0:46:14# There's nothing strange about it
0:46:14 > 0:46:19# Here is all I ask of you
0:46:19 > 0:46:23# Give me the moonlight
0:46:23 > 0:46:25# Give me the girl
0:46:25 > 0:46:30# And leave the rest to me
0:46:30 > 0:46:32# Give me a babbling brook
0:46:32 > 0:46:35# Give me a shady nook
0:46:35 > 0:46:40# Where no-one can see
0:46:40 > 0:46:42# Give me a bench for two
0:46:42 > 0:46:45# Where we can bill and coo
0:46:45 > 0:46:50# And mine she's bound to be
0:46:50 > 0:46:52# If there's anyone in doubt
0:46:52 > 0:46:55# And they'd like to try me out
0:46:55 > 0:46:57# Give me the moonlight
0:46:57 > 0:46:59# Give me the girl
0:46:59 > 0:47:04# And leave the rest to me
0:47:04 > 0:47:07# Give me the moonlight
0:47:07 > 0:47:10# Give me the girl
0:47:10 > 0:47:14# And leave the rest to me
0:47:14 > 0:47:17# Give me a babbling brook
0:47:17 > 0:47:19# Give me a shady nook
0:47:19 > 0:47:24# Where no-one can see
0:47:24 > 0:47:26# Give me a bench for two
0:47:26 > 0:47:29# Where we can bill and coo
0:47:29 > 0:47:34# And mine she's bound to be
0:47:34 > 0:47:36# If there's anyone in doubt
0:47:36 > 0:47:38# And they'd like to try me out
0:47:38 > 0:47:41# Give me the moonlight
0:47:41 > 0:47:43# Give me the girl
0:47:43 > 0:47:47# And leave the rest to me
0:47:47 > 0:47:52# And leave the rest
0:47:52 > 0:47:57# To me. #
0:47:57 > 0:48:01CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:48:14 > 0:48:17And now there's just time to ask Mr Roy Castle
0:48:17 > 0:48:19to lead the company and yourselves
0:48:19 > 0:48:23in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:48:23 > 0:48:27Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Roy Castle, the entire company,
0:48:27 > 0:48:32Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire and unflappable orchestra!
0:48:32 > 0:48:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:48:35 > 0:48:41But this time, give me yourselves!
0:48:44 > 0:48:47# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:48:47 > 0:48:51# Down at The Old Bull And Bush La-la-la-la-la
0:48:51 > 0:48:54# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:48:54 > 0:48:57# Down at The Old Bull And Bush
0:48:58 > 0:49:01# Hear the little German band La-la-la-la-la-la-la
0:49:01 > 0:49:04# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:49:04 > 0:49:08# Do, do, come and have a drink or two
0:49:08 > 0:49:12# Down at The Old Bull and Bush Bush, Bush. #
0:49:12 > 0:49:15APPLAUSE