0:00:07 > 0:00:14# Oh, you beautiful doll You great, big, beautiful doll
0:00:14 > 0:00:18# Let me put my arms about you
0:00:18 > 0:00:22# I could never live without you
0:00:22 > 0:00:29# Oh, you beautiful doll You great, big, beautiful doll
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# If you ever leave me how my heart would ache
0:00:33 > 0:00:36# I want to hug you but I fear you'd break
0:00:36 > 0:00:40# Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh,
0:00:40 > 0:00:45# Oh, you beautiful doll. #
0:00:45 > 0:00:48APPLAUSE
0:00:49 > 0:00:54FANFARE
0:00:54 > 0:00:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:03 > 0:01:07Once again...
0:01:09 > 0:01:13..good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- AUDIENCE:- Good evening!
0:01:16 > 0:01:21Our comprehensive carnivalia incorporates
0:01:21 > 0:01:25coruscating Clarice...
0:01:25 > 0:01:28LAUGHTER
0:01:28 > 0:01:34..Clarice Mania from the Prodigal Players Theatre with none
0:01:34 > 0:01:40other than that vertiginous vital spark, Miss Jan Hunt.
0:01:40 > 0:01:44APPLAUSE
0:01:47 > 0:01:51# Put on your ta-ta, little girlie
0:01:51 > 0:01:53# Do do what I want you to
0:01:53 > 0:01:57# Far from the busy hurly-burly
0:01:57 > 0:02:01# I've got lots to say to you
0:02:01 > 0:02:04# My head's completely twirly whirly
0:02:04 > 0:02:08# My girl I want you to be
0:02:08 > 0:02:11# So put on your ta-ta your pretty little ta-ta
0:02:11 > 0:02:15- # And come on ta-ta-ta - # Please come on ta-ta-ta
0:02:15 > 0:02:18# Yes, come on and ta-ta with me. #
0:02:18 > 0:02:23# I was a good little girl
0:02:23 > 0:02:27# Till I met you
0:02:27 > 0:02:35# You set my head in a whirl my poor heart too
0:02:35 > 0:02:40# Oh how you told me the tale
0:02:40 > 0:02:43# You always knew
0:02:43 > 0:02:49# I was a good little girl
0:02:49 > 0:02:54# Till I met you. #
0:02:54 > 0:02:57# Joshua
0:02:57 > 0:02:58ENSEMBLE: # Joshua
0:02:58 > 0:03:01# Why don't you call and see Mama
0:03:01 > 0:03:05# She'll be pleased to know
0:03:05 > 0:03:10# You are my best beau
0:03:10 > 0:03:14# Joshua Joshua
0:03:14 > 0:03:18# Nicer than lemon squash you are
0:03:18 > 0:03:21# Yes, it's fine Gosh you are
0:03:21 > 0:03:26# Josh-u, Joshua. #
0:03:28 > 0:03:29Oh!
0:03:33 > 0:03:38# I wonder why I always sigh the way I do
0:03:38 > 0:03:45# And now it seems that all my dreams are all of you
0:03:45 > 0:03:51# You used to be so nice to me in days gone by
0:03:51 > 0:03:55# But all that now has changed somehow
0:03:55 > 0:03:58# I wonder why
0:04:00 > 0:04:06# You called me baby doll a year ago
0:04:06 > 0:04:13# You told me I was very nice to know
0:04:13 > 0:04:18# I soon learned what love was
0:04:18 > 0:04:22# I thought I knew
0:04:22 > 0:04:30# But all I've learnt has only taught me how to love you
0:04:31 > 0:04:37# You made me think you loved me in return
0:04:37 > 0:04:43# Don't tell me you were fooling after all
0:04:43 > 0:04:50# For if you go away you'll be sorry some day
0:04:50 > 0:04:54# You left behind
0:04:54 > 0:05:00# A broken doll
0:05:02 > 0:05:06# You called me baby doll a year ago
0:05:06 > 0:05:07# Year ago
0:05:07 > 0:05:08- AUDIENCE:- # Year ago
0:05:08 > 0:05:10# Year ago
0:05:10 > 0:05:13# You told me I was very nice to know
0:05:13 > 0:05:16# Nice to know Nice to know
0:05:16 > 0:05:17# Nice to know
0:05:17 > 0:05:20# I soon learned what love was
0:05:20 > 0:05:23# I thought I knew
0:05:23 > 0:05:28# But all I've learnt has only taught me
0:05:28 > 0:05:31# How to love you
0:05:31 > 0:05:36# You made me think you loved me in return
0:05:36 > 0:05:39AUDIENCE: # In return in return, in return
0:05:39 > 0:05:46# Don't tell me you were fooling after all
0:05:46 > 0:05:49# For if you go away
0:05:49 > 0:05:52- # You'll be - AUDIENCE: Sorry some day
0:05:52 > 0:05:53# Yes, you will
0:05:53 > 0:06:01# You left behind a broken doll. #
0:06:01 > 0:06:05# Jerry Jeremiah
0:06:05 > 0:06:08# My heart's on fire
0:06:08 > 0:06:11# Play again that sweet refrain
0:06:11 > 0:06:14# Oom-to-ra-ra Oom-to-ra-ra
0:06:14 > 0:06:18# Jerry Jeremiah
0:06:18 > 0:06:21# It's the finest tune I've known
0:06:21 > 0:06:24# Rag it Rag it
0:06:24 > 0:06:28# Zig zigzag it on your ragtime trombone
0:06:28 > 0:06:32ENSEMBLE: # Jerry Jeremiah
0:06:32 > 0:06:35# My heart's on fire
0:06:35 > 0:06:38# Play again that sweet refrain
0:06:38 > 0:06:41# Oom-to-ra-ra Oom-to-ra-ra
0:06:41 > 0:06:45# Jerry Jeremiah
0:06:45 > 0:06:48# It's the finest tune I know
0:06:48 > 0:06:50# Rag it Rag it
0:06:50 > 0:06:54# Zig zigzag it on your ragtime
0:06:56 > 0:06:57# Ragtime
0:06:59 > 0:07:05# Ragtime trombone. #
0:07:05 > 0:07:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:20 > 0:07:23A French fanfaronade...
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- AUDIENCE:- Ooh!
0:07:25 > 0:07:29..from Mr Bernard Herrmann and his frenetic affiliates...
0:07:29 > 0:07:31Oh!
0:07:31 > 0:07:35..for the fabulous filigree of fouette,
0:07:35 > 0:07:39the ecstasy of entrechat...
0:07:39 > 0:07:41Oh!
0:07:41 > 0:07:44..from prima ballerina assolutisima,
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Chantal with Dumont!
0:07:49 > 0:07:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:07:53 > 0:07:56MUSIC: Swan Lake by Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky
0:08:57 > 0:08:59LAUGHTER
0:09:10 > 0:09:12DRUMROLL, LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:26DRUMROLL, LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:43LAUGHTER
0:10:04 > 0:10:07DRUMROLL, LAUGHTER
0:10:14 > 0:10:17APPLAUSE
0:10:39 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:11:22 > 0:11:24LAUGHTER
0:11:39 > 0:11:41DRUMROLL
0:11:43 > 0:11:45APPLAUSE
0:12:12 > 0:12:14LAUGHTER
0:12:24 > 0:12:26APPLAUSE
0:13:08 > 0:13:10LAUGHTER
0:13:30 > 0:13:33APPLAUSE
0:13:38 > 0:13:40CHEERING
0:13:46 > 0:13:49The ineluctable
0:13:49 > 0:13:53deliquescences of Franz Lehar
0:13:53 > 0:13:58made luminous by the ineffable effulgence
0:13:58 > 0:14:02of Miss Lynn Kennington!
0:14:02 > 0:14:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:12 > 0:14:17# You that I now adore
0:14:17 > 0:14:22# Have we not loved before?
0:14:22 > 0:14:26# How could I else have known
0:14:26 > 0:14:31# You were my love, my own?
0:14:31 > 0:14:36# Love is a dream, you say
0:14:36 > 0:14:41# Passing with break of day
0:14:41 > 0:14:49# How does it seem
0:14:49 > 0:14:56# Like a dream?
0:14:56 > 0:15:03# Say not love is a dream
0:15:03 > 0:15:07# Say not that hope is vain
0:15:07 > 0:15:14# Say not that cruel fate will redeem
0:15:14 > 0:15:22# Every joy with pain
0:15:22 > 0:15:29# Look not, look not beyond
0:15:29 > 0:15:36# Joy so dear
0:15:36 > 0:15:42# Two hearts may not despond
0:15:42 > 0:15:50# For love knows naught of fear
0:15:50 > 0:15:57# True love breaks every bond
0:15:57 > 0:16:05# And love, true love is here. #
0:16:29 > 0:16:34# Please don't be offended if I preach to you a while
0:16:34 > 0:16:40# Tears are out of place in eyes that were meant to smile
0:16:40 > 0:16:47# There's a very simple way to make your troubles small
0:16:47 > 0:16:54# Here's the simple secret to it all
0:16:56 > 0:17:03# Look for the silver lining
0:17:03 > 0:17:11# Whenever clouds appear in the blue
0:17:11 > 0:17:18# Remember somewhere the sun is shining
0:17:18 > 0:17:25# And so the right thing to do
0:17:25 > 0:17:29# Is make it shine for you
0:17:29 > 0:17:36# A heart full of joy and gladness
0:17:36 > 0:17:44# Will always banish sadness and strife
0:17:44 > 0:17:52# So always look for a silver lining
0:17:52 > 0:18:00# And try to find the sunny side of life
0:18:04 > 0:18:12# Look for a silver lining
0:18:12 > 0:18:19# Whenever clouds appear in the blue
0:18:19 > 0:18:26# Remember somewhere the sun is shining
0:18:26 > 0:18:33# And so the right thing to do
0:18:33 > 0:18:36# Is make it shine for you
0:18:36 > 0:18:43# A heart full of joy and gladness
0:18:43 > 0:18:50# Will always banish sadness and strife
0:18:50 > 0:18:56# So always look for
0:18:56 > 0:19:02# A silver lining
0:19:02 > 0:19:09# And try to find the sunny side
0:19:09 > 0:19:17# Of life. #
0:19:17 > 0:19:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:38 > 0:19:42Hieratical propensities
0:19:42 > 0:19:47precipitate a hair-raising heterogeneity...
0:19:47 > 0:19:50- AUDIENCE:- Oooh!
0:19:50 > 0:19:55..that, madam, is a mixed bag...
0:19:55 > 0:19:57LAUGHTER
0:19:57 > 0:19:59..if you'll pardon the expression...
0:20:00 > 0:20:04..of propulsive revolutionary
0:20:04 > 0:20:06- projectiles! AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Juggling!
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Ladies and gentlemen, Panto!
0:20:11 > 0:20:14MUSIC: Sabre Dance by Aram Khachaturian
0:20:48 > 0:20:50CHEERING
0:21:29 > 0:21:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:21:55 > 0:21:57CHEERING
0:23:03 > 0:23:05LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:11Ole!
0:23:11 > 0:23:12AUDIENCE GASPS
0:23:15 > 0:23:17DRUMROLL
0:23:19 > 0:23:21LAUGHTER
0:23:36 > 0:23:38APPLAUSE
0:23:38 > 0:23:40DRUMROLL CONTINUES
0:23:42 > 0:23:44APPLAUSE
0:23:59 > 0:24:00This is the last one!
0:24:00 > 0:24:02Very dangerous!
0:24:06 > 0:24:08LAUGHTER
0:24:22 > 0:24:24LAUGHTER
0:24:24 > 0:24:26No, no, it's not finished.
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Yes, it's finished.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER
0:24:38 > 0:24:40APPLAUSE
0:24:46 > 0:24:47OK.
0:24:50 > 0:24:52LAUGHTER
0:24:54 > 0:24:55Mamma mia!
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- Hey! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:11 > 0:25:13MUSIC: Sabre Dance by Aram Khachaturian
0:25:17 > 0:25:20CHEERING
0:26:10 > 0:26:12CHEERING
0:26:17 > 0:26:22Unquestionably unique,
0:26:22 > 0:26:25the one and only...
0:26:25 > 0:26:28Ken Dodd!
0:26:28 > 0:26:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:41 > 0:26:43SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY ENTRANCE MUSIC
0:26:45 > 0:26:47- MUSIC STOPS - Chuck it!
0:26:47 > 0:26:51Have you chucked it? Right, first of all, ladies and gentlemen,
0:26:51 > 0:26:54any diddy kids, dogs, kids, cats and lodgers,
0:26:54 > 0:26:57I'd like to say how tickled I am, how full of plumptiousness...
0:26:59 > 0:27:01..how absolutely discum-knicker...
0:27:01 > 0:27:02discumknockerated...
0:27:02 > 0:27:04LAUGHTER
0:27:04 > 0:27:07..standing here tonight, I feel absolutely goolified...
0:27:07 > 0:27:09LAUGHTER
0:27:09 > 0:27:11It's the...
0:27:11 > 0:27:13It's the same as being contrapuntal.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16..how full of lungpunkinotiousness, ladies and gentlemen,
0:27:16 > 0:27:19standing here tonight in this magnificent...shed.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26Standing here tonight on Ticklemass Eve, here in my hurrey-furry coat.
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Like it, gaffer? Hurrey-furry.
0:27:28 > 0:27:31Genuine moggy skin, this. It is, moggy skin, pussy cats.
0:27:31 > 0:27:33It took 28 moggies to make this.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34- HE SNIFFS, BLOWS RASPBERRY - All toms.
0:27:34 > 0:27:36LAUGHTER
0:27:36 > 0:27:38By Jove, it's full of life, this coat.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45I've got a pair of underpants made of the same stuff.
0:27:45 > 0:27:46Moggy-skin long johns.
0:27:46 > 0:27:50When I walk down our street, people say, "Ah, 'hairy' comes!"
0:27:50 > 0:27:53- LAUGHTER AND GROANING - "Hairy" comes!
0:27:53 > 0:27:57GROANING AND CATCALLS
0:27:57 > 0:27:59It's a joke!
0:27:59 > 0:28:03It's a joke! It's what we call in show business "a shaft of wit."
0:28:03 > 0:28:06- Now, a lot of people... - LAUGHTER
0:28:06 > 0:28:09..often wonder where...
0:28:09 > 0:28:10LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:28:10 > 0:28:14..where all these short shafts of wit are coming from.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Well, it's a firm here in Yorkshire in Clacuddinsdwyke
0:28:16 > 0:28:19calls Jokes Ltd and we send the postal order off on a Monday
0:28:19 > 0:28:22and they send us the jokes through by the weekend.
0:28:22 > 0:28:25I wonder where my butler's got to, my valet. Knockers? Kno...
0:28:25 > 0:28:28No, not you, Missy. Knockers!
0:28:28 > 0:28:30This is my butler Knockers. How are you, Knockers?
0:28:30 > 0:28:32- All right.- You're looking well.
0:28:32 > 0:28:34You've been breathing again, haven't you?
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Knockers, I want you to take him for a run round the block,
0:28:36 > 0:28:39he hasn't been today. And don't forget the ball and bat.
0:28:39 > 0:28:41- There you are.- Good. - Thank you very much, Knockers.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43He's a good lad. I'd like to say once again,
0:28:43 > 0:28:46I'd like to say, ladies and gentlemen, how tickled I am to...
0:28:46 > 0:28:49Did you see that, love? They can't touch you for it, you know.
0:28:49 > 0:28:50They can't!
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Not if you've been sponsored.
0:28:54 > 0:28:56Rubbish, get off.
0:28:56 > 0:28:58There we are, now, then...
0:28:58 > 0:29:00- AUDIENCE GASPS - This is the one. Right.
0:29:04 > 0:29:05LAUGHTER
0:29:10 > 0:29:13"Ooh, Ken Dodd, what a whopper!"
0:29:15 > 0:29:18Now, then, who fancies a tickle in the first two rows?
0:29:18 > 0:29:21- GERONIMO! - AUDIENCE SQUEALS
0:29:25 > 0:29:29Ladies and gentlemen, I can't tell you how absolutely underwhelmed
0:29:29 > 0:29:32I feel being here this evening.
0:29:34 > 0:29:36All these hairy...
0:29:36 > 0:29:40There's a fine, walrus, handlebar moustache.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42How long did it take you to grow that, missus?
0:29:42 > 0:29:44LAUGHTER
0:29:47 > 0:29:49The young lady in the low-cut dress leaning out of the box up there.
0:29:49 > 0:29:50Very nice, love.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52Can you see everything?
0:29:53 > 0:29:56- We can! - LAUGHTER
0:29:59 > 0:30:01To be here tonight, here in the city,
0:30:01 > 0:30:04this beautiful Edwardian Nissen hut,
0:30:04 > 0:30:07this, one of the seven wonders of Briggate,
0:30:07 > 0:30:09this...
0:30:09 > 0:30:11this lovely theatre, ladies and gentlemen...
0:30:11 > 0:30:13Actually, there's a story attached to this theatre.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15It's on the wall in the gents.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21The style of architecture here is early perpendicular
0:30:21 > 0:30:24and the decorations are Baroque, or Ba-roke.
0:30:24 > 0:30:26It's all "Ba-roke".
0:30:27 > 0:30:30The windows are ba-roke, the doors are ba-roke...
0:30:30 > 0:30:32The manager, he's not too flush either.
0:30:34 > 0:30:35This beautiful...
0:30:35 > 0:30:38The ceiling, the ceiling is an exact replica of the Sistine Chapel
0:30:38 > 0:30:40done in whitewash.
0:30:40 > 0:30:41And notice...
0:30:41 > 0:30:44Notice how the floor is so cunningly made so it just reaches your feet.
0:30:44 > 0:30:46- This is... - LAUGHTER
0:30:46 > 0:30:48..a feature.
0:30:48 > 0:30:51On your way in, you probably noticed the filigree foyer
0:30:51 > 0:30:52and the half-timber gents
0:30:52 > 0:30:54and...
0:30:54 > 0:30:57All the features of this magnificent building, ladies and gentlemen,
0:30:57 > 0:30:59and as I say, it is really wonderful.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01Tonight is anniversary night.
0:31:01 > 0:31:03It's exactly 25 years ago to the very night
0:31:03 > 0:31:05since the circle collapsed
0:31:05 > 0:31:07- and... Yes! - LAUGHTER
0:31:10 > 0:31:13Laugh! 25...
0:31:13 > 0:31:1525 years ago, love, there were people sitting up there,
0:31:15 > 0:31:18just like you are now.
0:31:18 > 0:31:20Rows and rows of Toby jugs, all...
0:31:20 > 0:31:22LAUGHTER
0:31:25 > 0:31:29"Here, Mother, have you got any more of that nut brittle?"
0:31:29 > 0:31:32All of a sudden, there was this horrible creaking noise.
0:31:32 > 0:31:35- There it goes again! - LAUGHTER
0:31:35 > 0:31:37"Cavoomph!" The whole lot fell down, collapsed.
0:31:37 > 0:31:40There was a little old lady, sitting in the middle, underneath,
0:31:40 > 0:31:41just where you are, dear.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44There was a dear, little old lady sitting in that seat
0:31:44 > 0:31:47in the centre underneath, with her lolly ice sticking up in the air.
0:31:47 > 0:31:48This man, this fella...
0:31:50 > 0:31:51..upstairs...
0:31:51 > 0:31:53LAUGHTER
0:31:56 > 0:31:58- ..in a kilt... - HE WHISTLES
0:32:01 > 0:32:04She said, "By Jove, you get a big 'un for sixpence, don't you!"
0:32:04 > 0:32:05LAUGHTER
0:32:09 > 0:32:12They laugh at us down south, you know. They say we wear flat hats.
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Course we wear flat hats, you know why?
0:32:14 > 0:32:16Cos we're flatheads! That's why!
0:32:17 > 0:32:22Those fellas, the men down south, they wear their socks in bed.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25That's not fair to any woman, they should wear clogs like we do.
0:32:27 > 0:32:30Now, my grandad, there was a fella. All his life he worked like a horse.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32People used to follow him with a shovel.
0:32:36 > 0:32:37APPLAUSE
0:32:37 > 0:32:40Me little uncle Willie, he works on the docks in Liverpool,
0:32:40 > 0:32:42and he's what they call a diesel fitter.
0:32:42 > 0:32:44He goes round the dock shed looking in all the cases, saying,
0:32:44 > 0:32:46"Deese'll fit 'er, deese'll fit 'er."
0:32:49 > 0:32:51My grandad was on the stage.
0:32:51 > 0:32:53My grandad was one of the all-time grates.
0:32:53 > 0:32:55My granny used to have to black lead him.
0:32:58 > 0:32:59She is very jealous of him.
0:32:59 > 0:33:02When he goes down for a shovel of coal, she has him followed.
0:33:02 > 0:33:05With a padlock and in braces.
0:33:05 > 0:33:08She frightened the life out of me the other night, me granny.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10She told my grandad she was saving up for a new perm.
0:33:10 > 0:33:12He thought she said a new pram.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15Of course, he hasn't been well, my grandad.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18All through the winter my grandad stood with his back to the fire.
0:33:18 > 0:33:20We had to have him swept.
0:33:22 > 0:33:24Now...
0:33:26 > 0:33:29And now, if you please, the latest news...
0:33:29 > 0:33:32The latest news now is that ladies actually want the vote.
0:33:32 > 0:33:33HIGH-PITCHED CHUCKLE
0:33:33 > 0:33:36You can't do that. We can't let them have that, can we, lads?
0:33:36 > 0:33:37- AUDIENCE:- Yes!- No!
0:33:37 > 0:33:40- Cos we're British, aren't we, lads? - MEN IN AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:33:40 > 0:33:43And we will all put our backs out for Britain, won't we, lads?
0:33:43 > 0:33:44- MEN IN AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:33:44 > 0:33:47Well, you will, I'm going to have a lie down.
0:33:47 > 0:33:49No, you must admit, ladies, British men are the world's greatest.
0:33:49 > 0:33:52- Aren't we, girls?- WOMEN IN AUDIENCE, WITHOUT CONVICTION:- Yes.
0:33:52 > 0:33:54You wouldn't fancy one of those continental Romeos,
0:33:54 > 0:33:57- would you, ladies? - WOMEN IN AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:33:57 > 0:34:00- One of these frisky Frenchmen? - WOMEN IN AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:34:00 > 0:34:03Cos they all think about is, "Aw-haw-haw-haw."
0:34:05 > 0:34:07You wouldn't fancy one of those handsome Italians with
0:34:07 > 0:34:10the black wavy hair, would you, girls?
0:34:10 > 0:34:11- WOMEN IN AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:34:11 > 0:34:14You wouldn't! They'd creep up behind you when you're doing the sprouts.
0:34:14 > 0:34:15HE BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:34:19 > 0:34:22So I want to do something really dramatic, Mr Sachs, sir,
0:34:22 > 0:34:24and I think the time has come for us to have a bad salad.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27A sad ballad! Could we have something, Mr Herrmann, like
0:34:27 > 0:34:30"Don't Go Down in the Mine Dad There's Plenty of Slack in Your Trousers"?
0:34:30 > 0:34:32LAUGHTER
0:34:35 > 0:34:37Something. What's something that really...?
0:34:37 > 0:34:40We want to sing something that will really please
0:34:40 > 0:34:42the ladies and gentlemen, a romantic song like
0:34:42 > 0:34:45"It's Only the Hairs on a Gooseberry That Stop It Becoming a Grape."
0:34:45 > 0:34:48What...? Fella looking at me through binoculars here,
0:34:48 > 0:34:50he must think I'm a racehorse.
0:34:50 > 0:34:52What?
0:34:52 > 0:34:56For this romantic eisteddfod, what sort of music do you recommend, sir?
0:34:56 > 0:34:59- Musical comedy.- Musical comedy! Beautifully judged.
0:34:59 > 0:35:02Beautifully judged. I had three ambitions in my life.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04My first was to sing under your baton. Wave it.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06That's it, that's his baton.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08If they play a wrong note, he bats them on the head with it.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11My second ambition was to do a duet with a beautiful girl in A flat,
0:35:11 > 0:35:12and my third ambition...
0:35:12 > 0:35:15LAUGHTER
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Musical comedy, beautiful. Any particular musical comedy?
0:35:18 > 0:35:20Maid of the mountains.
0:35:20 > 0:35:21The Maid of the Mountains.
0:35:21 > 0:35:23PIANO STARTS AND HE CLEARS HIS THROAT
0:35:23 > 0:35:25HE SINGS LONG WAVERING NOTE
0:35:25 > 0:35:26NOTE DEEPENS
0:35:26 > 0:35:30# Come tell me, pretty maiden
0:35:30 > 0:35:33# Are there any more at home like you?
0:35:33 > 0:35:35- ROUGH WOMAN'S VOICE: - # There are a few... #
0:35:35 > 0:35:36LAUGHTER
0:35:41 > 0:35:43The Prince one night shoots in for a quick sherbet,
0:35:43 > 0:35:45and there she is, this vision of loveliness.
0:35:45 > 0:35:49Standing on the bar counter on one leg, selling crisps
0:35:49 > 0:35:52and drying out the pint classes with the end of her pigtail.
0:35:54 > 0:35:55It is love at first fright.
0:35:55 > 0:35:59Like all sweethearts in love, their eyes meet, and suddenly, he feels
0:35:59 > 0:36:02something stir in his breast, and he realises...
0:36:02 > 0:36:03his ferret has got loose.
0:36:03 > 0:36:05So...
0:36:05 > 0:36:07What a beautiful girl, but so thin.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11One day she swallows a pickled onion and four lads leave the village.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Her mother is just the opposite. Her mother is a big, plump, jolly lady.
0:36:20 > 0:36:25She used to go away to sea. She used to be a decoy for a whaling fleet.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27The Prince is determined to serenade his gypsy sweetheart.
0:36:27 > 0:36:30Because she looks very gypsy-ish. She has pierced ears.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32She had walked in front of a dartboard one day,
0:36:32 > 0:36:34wasn't looking where she was going.
0:36:34 > 0:36:36He had met her in the street one day,
0:36:36 > 0:36:39she was selling things door to door in Harrogate and...
0:36:39 > 0:36:41Ha, no chance! So, he...
0:36:42 > 0:36:45He said, "What have you got under your arm?" She said, "Lavender."
0:36:45 > 0:36:48He said, "Oh, how unusual." Well, he...
0:36:51 > 0:36:53He goes down her street at midnight singing his head off,
0:36:53 > 0:36:55and people fling open their bedroom windows
0:36:55 > 0:36:59and throw things down to him, so he goes home and gets changed,
0:36:59 > 0:37:02comes back singing The Student Prince's Legal Aid.
0:37:02 > 0:37:04- Serenade!- Serenade.
0:37:04 > 0:37:09# Overhead, the moon is beaming
0:37:09 > 0:37:11# O-Overhead, the moon...
0:37:11 > 0:37:13# O... #
0:37:13 > 0:37:15Could I have the note, please, sir?
0:37:15 > 0:37:16MAN SINGS NOTE
0:37:16 > 0:37:17Oh, hell.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21What did you do to him then, missus?
0:37:22 > 0:37:24Mr drummer, could I have the note, please?
0:37:24 > 0:37:25SINGLE DRUMBEAT
0:37:25 > 0:37:29# Overhead, the moon is beaming
0:37:29 > 0:37:33# White as blossoms on the bow
0:37:35 > 0:37:39# Nothing is heard but the sound of the bird... #
0:37:39 > 0:37:40PFFRT!
0:37:40 > 0:37:42LAUGHTER
0:37:45 > 0:37:50Here is a message for the treasurer of the works' Christmas club.
0:37:50 > 0:37:53# One fine day we'll find you... #
0:37:53 > 0:37:55LAUGHTER
0:37:56 > 0:38:00Something sort of romantic. Spanith Eyesh.
0:38:03 > 0:38:04Spanith Eyesh.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08Spanith Eyesh.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10Who the hell are you pushing?
0:38:10 > 0:38:13# Oh...
0:38:14 > 0:38:16# Spanish eyes
0:38:16 > 0:38:18CASTANETS CLICK
0:38:18 > 0:38:22# Loveliest eyes in all of Mexico-ho-o... #
0:38:22 > 0:38:24No, that's no good. No.
0:38:26 > 0:38:30Something more traditional. The Lass With the Delicate Hair.
0:38:30 > 0:38:31By Dan Druff.
0:38:33 > 0:38:39# Young Molly who lived at the foot of the h-h-h-ill
0:38:39 > 0:38:44# Whose fame ev'ry virgin with envy doth fill
0:38:44 > 0:38:50# Of beauty is blessed with so ample a share
0:38:50 > 0:38:55# Men call her the lass with the delicate hair
0:38:55 > 0:38:57# With the fu-huh-huh
0:38:57 > 0:39:01# Fu-huh-huh, fuh-huh-huh-huh-huh
0:39:01 > 0:39:05# Men call her the lass with the...
0:39:05 > 0:39:08# Fuh-huh-huh-huh-ur. #
0:39:13 > 0:39:17INDISTINCT
0:39:17 > 0:39:20Cornish Floral Dance, that's the one.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31# As I walked home on a summer's night
0:39:31 > 0:39:35# When starsh in heaven were shhhining bright
0:39:35 > 0:39:37# Far away from the footlights' glare
0:39:38 > 0:39:41# Into the sweet and scented air... #
0:39:41 > 0:39:42Strange.
0:39:42 > 0:39:45# Of a quaint old Cornish town
0:39:45 > 0:39:48HE HOLDS NOTE
0:39:48 > 0:39:50HE GASPS FOR AIR
0:39:50 > 0:39:52# Borne from afar on a gentle breeze
0:39:52 > 0:39:55# Soft as the murmur of summer seas
0:39:55 > 0:39:58# Distant tones of an old world dance
0:39:58 > 0:40:01# Played by the gasworks band perchance
0:40:01 > 0:40:07# On the ca-a-a-lm air came flo-o-o-ating down
0:40:10 > 0:40:12# I thought I could hear the spurious tone
0:40:12 > 0:40:14# Of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone
0:40:14 > 0:40:16# Fiddle, cello, big bass drum...
0:40:16 > 0:40:17LOUD BLAST OF DRUM DROWNS OUT VOCALS
0:40:17 > 0:40:19LAUGHTER
0:40:19 > 0:40:24# Far away, as in a trance, I heard the sound of the Floral Dance... #
0:40:25 > 0:40:27# Tiddlywinks, old man, suck a lemon if you can
0:40:27 > 0:40:29# If you can't suck a lemon, suck an old tin can
0:40:29 > 0:40:32# My ding-a-ling, my ding-a-ling... #
0:40:32 > 0:40:34MAN SHOUTS
0:40:36 > 0:40:38Cease? You mean "toss it."
0:40:41 > 0:40:43Follow the stick.
0:40:43 > 0:40:46# I felt so lonely standing there
0:40:46 > 0:40:48# And I could only stand and swear... #
0:40:48 > 0:40:49Stare. Sorry, sir.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52# For I had no friend with me
0:40:52 > 0:40:54# Lonely I would have to be
0:40:54 > 0:40:56# In that quaint old Cornish town
0:41:00 > 0:41:03# When suddenly hurrying down the lane
0:41:03 > 0:41:05# A figure I knew I saw quite plain
0:41:05 > 0:41:07# Twas Fanny from the fish shop!
0:41:07 > 0:41:10# With outstretched arms I rushed along
0:41:10 > 0:41:12# And carried her into that merry throng... #
0:41:12 > 0:41:15Up and over, Fanny, show 'em what you're made of. Haway!
0:41:15 > 0:41:20# And I fiddled, went dancing along... #
0:41:23 > 0:41:25LAUGHTER
0:41:25 > 0:41:28# The spurious tone of the cornet, clarinet and big trombone
0:41:28 > 0:41:29# Fiddle, cello...
0:41:31 > 0:41:33# Bassoon, flute and euphonium
0:41:33 > 0:41:34# Each one making the most of his chance
0:41:34 > 0:41:37# All together in the Floral Dance
0:41:39 > 0:41:43# Dancing here, dancing there, jigging, jogging everywhere
0:41:43 > 0:41:45# Up and down, around the town
0:41:45 > 0:41:52# Hurrah for the Cornish Floral Dance! #
0:41:52 > 0:41:54CHEERING
0:42:00 > 0:42:03CHEERING CONTINUES
0:42:21 > 0:42:24Now, there's just about time, ladies and gentlemen,
0:42:24 > 0:42:26to ask Mr Ken Dodd to lead the company and yourselves
0:42:26 > 0:42:29in the last chorus of the night, Down at the Old Bull and Bush.
0:42:29 > 0:42:31Ladies and gentlemen, Mr Ken Dodd, the entire company,
0:42:31 > 0:42:34Mr Bernard Herrmann and the entire orchestra!
0:42:34 > 0:42:36CHEERING
0:42:36 > 0:42:38And this time, chiefly...
0:42:38 > 0:42:40- ALL:- ..yourselves!
0:42:44 > 0:42:51# Come, come, come and make eyes at me down at the old Bull and Bush
0:42:51 > 0:42:55# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:42:55 > 0:42:59# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:42:59 > 0:43:03# Hear the little German band "La-da-da, da-da-da"
0:43:03 > 0:43:07# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:43:07 > 0:43:11# Do, do come and have a drink or two
0:43:11 > 0:43:14# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:43:14 > 0:43:16# Bush-bush. #
0:43:16 > 0:43:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE