0:00:08 > 0:00:11AUDIENCE: # Hello, hello Who's your lady friend?
0:00:11 > 0:00:15# Who's the little girlie by your side?
0:00:15 > 0:00:19# I've seen you with a girl or two
0:00:19 > 0:00:23# Oh, oh, oh, I am surprised at you
0:00:23 > 0:00:27# Hello, hello Stop your little games
0:00:27 > 0:00:31# Don't you think your ways you ought to mend?
0:00:31 > 0:00:34# It's not the girl I saw you with at Brighton
0:00:34 > 0:00:38# Who, who, who's your lady Who, who, who's your lady
0:00:38 > 0:00:42# Who, who, who's your lady friend? #
0:00:44 > 0:00:46CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:46 > 0:00:48FANFARE
0:00:51 > 0:00:53LOUD CHEERING
0:00:58 > 0:01:00EXPECTANT CHEERS
0:01:00 > 0:01:02Once again!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04CHEERING
0:01:04 > 0:01:09Good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:09 > 0:01:11LOUD CHEERING
0:01:13 > 0:01:16- Esotericism... - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:01:16 > 0:01:19- That means out-of-the-ordinariness. - LAUGHTER
0:01:19 > 0:01:23Offers an exposition,
0:01:23 > 0:01:27- an etymological exposition... - AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:01:27 > 0:01:31..exhibiting the multipotent pliability
0:01:31 > 0:01:34of the Players' Theatre,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37none other than Mr Robin Hunter!
0:01:37 > 0:01:39LOUD CHEERING
0:01:43 > 0:01:46# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang
0:01:46 > 0:01:49# That's the Cockney way, you see
0:01:49 > 0:01:51# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang
0:01:51 > 0:01:54# You can learn to talk like me
0:01:54 > 0:01:57# So just put on your I'm afloat
0:01:57 > 0:01:59# And grab your tit-for-tat
0:01:59 > 0:02:02# Take a ball of chalk That's a little walk
0:02:02 > 0:02:05# Down the rub-a-dub, how's that? #
0:02:05 > 0:02:06Evening, ladies and gents.
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Us Cockneys, being a gregarious kind of people,
0:02:09 > 0:02:12we like to have intercourse with our visitors.
0:02:12 > 0:02:14In the nicest possible way, that is, of course.
0:02:14 > 0:02:18Trouble is, sometimes they don't understand what we're talking about.
0:02:18 > 0:02:21Now it's true, I'm not just sitting here on the green gage,
0:02:21 > 0:02:24giving you a load of orchestra stalls.
0:02:24 > 0:02:27So, to solve this little communication problem,
0:02:27 > 0:02:30I've written this little song. It's called Rhyming Slang.
0:02:30 > 0:02:33The first verse goes something like this.
0:02:33 > 0:02:36# Now I am a genuine Cockney
0:02:36 > 0:02:39# Not a Geordie or a Brummie or a Scouse
0:02:39 > 0:02:42# And the sound of Bow bells can be clearly heard
0:02:42 > 0:02:44# From the roof of my little old house
0:02:44 > 0:02:48# Now I got a funny way of talking
0:02:48 > 0:02:50# And I do it most of the time
0:02:50 > 0:02:52# Cos when I use a word
0:02:52 > 0:02:55# It's not the word what I've heard
0:02:55 > 0:02:59# But another what with it will rhyme
0:03:00 > 0:03:03# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang
0:03:03 > 0:03:06# That's the Cockney way, you see?
0:03:06 > 0:03:09# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang
0:03:09 > 0:03:12# You can learn to talk like me
0:03:12 > 0:03:14# So just put on your I'm afloat
0:03:14 > 0:03:17# And grab your tit-for-tat
0:03:17 > 0:03:20# Take a ball of chalk That's a little walk
0:03:20 > 0:03:23# Down the rub-a-dub, how's that?
0:03:23 > 0:03:27# Cos if you're a genuine Cockney
0:03:27 > 0:03:30- # Your beer is your old... - Pig's ear
0:03:30 > 0:03:33- # And your trouble and strife - That's your dear little wife
0:03:33 > 0:03:36# She's your donor and you love her so dear
0:03:36 > 0:03:39- # Your fire is your... - Anna Maria
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- # And your door is your... - Rory O'Moore
0:03:42 > 0:03:44# Yes, when we say a word
0:03:44 > 0:03:47# It's not the word what we heard
0:03:47 > 0:03:51# But another what we're searching for
0:03:52 > 0:03:55# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang
0:03:55 > 0:03:58# That's the Cockney way, you see?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang
0:04:01 > 0:04:04# You can learn to talk like me
0:04:04 > 0:04:07# So just put on your I'm afloat
0:04:07 > 0:04:09# And grab your tit-for-tat
0:04:09 > 0:04:12# Take a ball of chalk That's a little walk
0:04:12 > 0:04:15# Down the rub-a-dub, how's that? #
0:04:15 > 0:04:17You'll get me, ladies and gentlemen.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Cos if you are boracic lint...? - AUDIENCE: Skint.
0:04:20 > 0:04:22Thank you.
0:04:22 > 0:04:25- And you want to tumble down the sink?- Drink.
0:04:25 > 0:04:29- You've got to find some bees and honey.- Money!
0:04:29 > 0:04:33- Of course, you can always have a drink on the garden gate.- Slate.
0:04:33 > 0:04:36You know the slate, do you, madam?
0:04:36 > 0:04:38But you've got to be very careful to pay up,
0:04:38 > 0:04:42otherwise the guv'nor may give you a swift kick right up your Aris.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46Ah...that's a difficult one, that. That's double.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48That's Aris, that's Aristotle, that's bottle.
0:04:48 > 0:04:52That's bottle and glass and that's where you get the kick!
0:04:52 > 0:04:55On the other hand, you could get a bunch of fives
0:04:55 > 0:04:57right in your I suppose.
0:04:57 > 0:05:00# Cos if you're a genuine Cockney
0:05:00 > 0:05:03- # Your nose is your... - I suppose
0:05:03 > 0:05:05# And your great big mouth is your...
0:05:05 > 0:05:07# North and south
0:05:07 > 0:05:09# You can see how the language grows
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- # Your best Sunday suit is your... - Whistle and flute
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- # And your boots are your... - Daisy roots.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17# Yes, when we say a word
0:05:17 > 0:05:20# It's not the word what we've heard
0:05:20 > 0:05:23# Cos for grammar we don't give two hoots... #
0:05:23 > 0:05:25All together now!
0:05:25 > 0:05:28AUDIENCE: # Rhyming slang, rhyming slang
0:05:28 > 0:05:31# That's the Cockney way, you see?
0:05:31 > 0:05:34# Rhyming slang, rhyming slang
0:05:34 > 0:05:37# You can learn to talk like me
0:05:37 > 0:05:40# So just put on your I'm afloat
0:05:40 > 0:05:42# And grab your tit-for-tat
0:05:42 > 0:05:45# Take a ball of chalk That's a little walk
0:05:45 > 0:05:47# Down the rub-a-dub, how's that?
0:05:48 > 0:05:51# Take a ball of chalk That's a little walk
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- # Down the rub-a-dub, how's that? # - Oi!
0:05:54 > 0:05:57- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Thank you!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Jubilance in a jaunty germination...
0:06:13 > 0:06:15AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:06:15 > 0:06:17..of twinning
0:06:17 > 0:06:20of juvenescent jocundity,
0:06:20 > 0:06:22still very young -
0:06:22 > 0:06:24The James Boys.
0:06:24 > 0:06:26CHEERING
0:06:31 > 0:06:35# I want a girl just like the girl
0:06:35 > 0:06:38# That married dear old Dad
0:06:39 > 0:06:42# She was a pearl and the only girl
0:06:42 > 0:06:45# That Daddy ever had
0:06:46 > 0:06:49# A good old-fashioned girl with heart so true
0:06:49 > 0:06:52# One who loves nobody else but you
0:06:54 > 0:06:57# I want a girl just like the girl
0:06:57 > 0:06:59# That married
0:06:59 > 0:07:04# Dear old Dad. #
0:07:04 > 0:07:06APPLAUSE
0:07:06 > 0:07:10# Rosie, you are my posey
0:07:11 > 0:07:15# You are my heart's bouquet
0:07:16 > 0:07:21# Why don't you come out here in the moonlight?
0:07:21 > 0:07:23# There's something sweet, love
0:07:23 > 0:07:27# I wanna say I wanna sing about for baby
0:07:27 > 0:07:32# Your honey boy, I'm waiting
0:07:33 > 0:07:38# Those ruby lips to greet
0:07:39 > 0:07:45# Don't be so captivating
0:07:45 > 0:07:49# My blushing Rosie
0:07:49 > 0:07:52# My posey sweet
0:07:53 > 0:07:57# My blushing Rosie
0:07:57 > 0:08:01# My posey sweet. #
0:08:03 > 0:08:05APPLAUSE
0:08:18 > 0:08:20Two, three, four.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23# Rock-a-bye your baby
0:08:23 > 0:08:25# With a Dixie melody
0:08:26 > 0:08:30# When you croon, you croon a tune
0:08:30 > 0:08:33# From the heart of Dixie
0:08:33 > 0:08:37# Just place that cradle, mammy mine
0:08:37 > 0:08:41# Right on that Mason-Dixon Line
0:08:41 > 0:08:44# And swing it from Virginia
0:08:44 > 0:08:47# To Tennessee with all the love that's in ya
0:08:47 > 0:08:50# Weep no more, my lady
0:08:50 > 0:08:54# Sing that song again for me
0:08:54 > 0:08:56# Sing it soft and low
0:08:56 > 0:09:01# Just as though you had me on your knee
0:09:02 > 0:09:04# A million baby kisses
0:09:04 > 0:09:06# I'll deliver
0:09:06 > 0:09:11# If you will only sing that Swanee River
0:09:11 > 0:09:16# Rock-a-bye your rock-a-bye baby
0:09:17 > 0:09:20# With a chosen
0:09:20 > 0:09:26# Melody! #
0:09:28 > 0:09:30CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:45 > 0:09:49Twinkling terpsichorean...
0:09:49 > 0:09:51AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:09:51 > 0:09:54Terpsichore with an 'an' at the end.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58Transports inimitably initiated
0:09:58 > 0:10:02in imperturbably impeccable immaculacy...
0:10:02 > 0:10:03AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:10:03 > 0:10:05..by Mr Richard Hearne!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07LOUD CHEERING
0:10:18 > 0:10:19Hello!
0:10:19 > 0:10:21AUDIENCE: Hello!
0:10:21 > 0:10:24- Hello, Caroline. - LAUGHTER
0:10:25 > 0:10:28That's my little granddaughter, Caroline.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I say, don't you look lovely?
0:10:31 > 0:10:34You really do. You look absolutely marvellous.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37- Cor! - LAUGHTER
0:10:37 > 0:10:40You do, really.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Do you know, this is my fourth time here.
0:10:43 > 0:10:44My fourth time.
0:10:44 > 0:10:47And what do you think I've got to do?
0:10:47 > 0:10:50They want me to dance the Lancers.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52LAUGHTER
0:10:52 > 0:10:54CHEERS OF ENCOURAGEMENT
0:10:59 > 0:11:02- You want me to dance the Lancers? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:11:02 > 0:11:05You must be potty!
0:11:06 > 0:11:10Well, then, if there's anybody here, if there happens to be anybody here
0:11:10 > 0:11:14who hasn't seen my dance the Lancers, may I just explain,
0:11:14 > 0:11:17I want you to use your imagination.
0:11:17 > 0:11:22I want you to imagine that this is an old Victorian ballroom
0:11:22 > 0:11:26and dotted about are a lot of old Victorian couples,
0:11:26 > 0:11:29- rather like we have in front here. - LAUGHTER
0:11:29 > 0:11:31All beautiful.
0:11:31 > 0:11:36Have you by any chance some Victorian Lancers music?
0:11:36 > 0:11:39- Yes, we have. - Would you like to play it for me?
0:11:39 > 0:11:41LANCERS MUSIC
0:12:06 > 0:12:08LAUGHTER
0:12:24 > 0:12:26LAUGHTER
0:12:33 > 0:12:35ROARS OF LAUGHTER
0:12:39 > 0:12:41LAUGHTER
0:12:41 > 0:12:43APPLAUSE
0:12:56 > 0:12:58LAUGHTER
0:13:00 > 0:13:02ROARS OF LAUGHTER
0:13:19 > 0:13:21LAUGHTER
0:13:32 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:50 > 0:13:52LAUGHTER
0:13:54 > 0:13:56LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:01 > 0:14:03AUDIENCE CLAP ALONG
0:14:11 > 0:14:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:26 > 0:14:28AUDIENCE: More! More!
0:14:29 > 0:14:31More! More!
0:14:32 > 0:14:36More! More! More! More!
0:14:39 > 0:14:43Irrefutably aphrodisiacs...
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Audience: Ooh!
0:14:46 > 0:14:49The sergeant should know what that means.
0:14:49 > 0:14:51- If not, you tell him, madam. - LAUGHTER
0:14:51 > 0:14:55Effulgent in roseate
0:14:55 > 0:14:57efflorescences,
0:14:57 > 0:15:00Miss Jan Carrey!
0:15:00 > 0:15:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:15:08 > 0:15:12# I am the belle of New York
0:15:12 > 0:15:16# The subject of all the town's talk
0:15:16 > 0:15:20# I make the old Bowery fragrant and flowery
0:15:20 > 0:15:24# When I go out for a walk
0:15:24 > 0:15:28# I'm soft as a snowy white dove
0:15:28 > 0:15:32# I'm simply created to love
0:15:32 > 0:15:37# The fellas all sigh for me
0:15:37 > 0:15:41# They'd even die for me
0:15:41 > 0:15:45# I am the belle of New York
0:15:53 > 0:15:55AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:15:57 > 0:16:00# The American girl, she dance like this
0:16:02 > 0:16:05# In a haughty manner
0:16:06 > 0:16:10# But the lady from France, she dance like this... #
0:16:10 > 0:16:12AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:16:12 > 0:16:16# In a naughty manner
0:16:17 > 0:16:21# Now, which do you like the best, monsieur?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24# Now, which do you like to see?
0:16:25 > 0:16:29# The proud and haughty American girl
0:16:30 > 0:16:33# Or the lady
0:16:33 > 0:16:35# From Gay Paree?
0:16:38 > 0:16:43# A la belle Parisienne
0:16:43 > 0:16:46# I do captivate you men
0:16:46 > 0:16:50# With a naughty little way I have of dancing
0:16:51 > 0:16:54# When around the room I go
0:16:54 > 0:16:56# I will kick my skirt just so
0:16:56 > 0:17:01# It's the little kick that makes the dance entrancing
0:17:03 > 0:17:08# The fellas all sigh for me
0:17:09 > 0:17:13# They'd even die for me
0:17:13 > 0:17:16# I am the belle
0:17:16 > 0:17:22# Of New York! #
0:17:22 > 0:17:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:17:43 > 0:17:45# I used to dream
0:17:45 > 0:17:47# That I would discover
0:17:49 > 0:17:51# The perfect lover... #
0:17:51 > 0:17:52LAUGHTER
0:17:52 > 0:17:54- Is he?- Yes.
0:17:55 > 0:17:57# Some day
0:17:58 > 0:18:00# I knew I'd recognise him
0:18:01 > 0:18:04# If ever
0:18:04 > 0:18:06# He came down
0:18:06 > 0:18:09# My way
0:18:09 > 0:18:13# I always used to fancy then
0:18:13 > 0:18:16# He'd be one of the god-like kind of men
0:18:18 > 0:18:20# With a giant brain
0:18:20 > 0:18:22# And a noble head
0:18:23 > 0:18:27# Like the heroes bold
0:18:27 > 0:18:32# In the books I've read
0:18:33 > 0:18:38# But along came Bill
0:18:38 > 0:18:41# He's not the type at all
0:18:42 > 0:18:45# You'd see him on the street
0:18:45 > 0:18:48# And never notice him
0:18:49 > 0:18:51# His form and face
0:18:52 > 0:18:55# His many grace
0:18:55 > 0:18:59# Are not the kind that you
0:18:59 > 0:19:02# Would find in a statue
0:19:02 > 0:19:06# And I can't explain
0:19:07 > 0:19:10# It's surely not his brain
0:19:10 > 0:19:12# That makes
0:19:12 > 0:19:16# That makes me thrill
0:19:17 > 0:19:19# I love him
0:19:19 > 0:19:22# Because he's wonderful
0:19:23 > 0:19:26# Because he's just
0:19:27 > 0:19:29# My Bill
0:19:30 > 0:19:35# And I can't explain
0:19:35 > 0:19:37# Surely not his brain
0:19:37 > 0:19:40# That makes
0:19:40 > 0:19:44# That makes me thrill
0:19:45 > 0:19:48# I love him
0:19:49 > 0:19:52# Because he's
0:19:52 > 0:19:56# Wonderful
0:19:57 > 0:20:02# Because he's just
0:20:02 > 0:20:05# My
0:20:05 > 0:20:10# Bill! #
0:20:10 > 0:20:12APPLAUSE
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- Now you know what aphrodisiac means. - LAUGHTER
0:20:33 > 0:20:35Unabashed
0:20:35 > 0:20:39in irreducibly exuberant...
0:20:39 > 0:20:41AUDIENCE GROAN
0:20:41 > 0:20:44..ebullient buffoonery.
0:20:44 > 0:20:46Once again, Mr Robin Hunter!
0:20:47 > 0:20:50APPLAUSE
0:20:54 > 0:20:58# Jones was a fellow who went the pace with all his youthful might
0:20:58 > 0:21:02# And took a great delight in staying out all night
0:21:02 > 0:21:06# When people were thinking of going to bed around the West he'd roam
0:21:06 > 0:21:09# He'd go to pubs and go to clubs but never would go home
0:21:09 > 0:21:13# But one night inside the club he gave his pals a fright
0:21:13 > 0:21:17# When he said, "I'm going home" and wished them all good night
0:21:17 > 0:21:21# They thought that he was joking and they all laughed out aloud... #
0:21:21 > 0:21:23- Ha-ha-ha. - LAUGHTER
0:21:23 > 0:21:28# But Jones looked very serious as he shouted to the crowd
0:21:29 > 0:21:32# "Oh, I must go home tonight
0:21:32 > 0:21:34# "I must go home tonight
0:21:34 > 0:21:38# "I don't care if it's snowing or blowing, I'm going
0:21:38 > 0:21:41# "I only got married this morning It fills me with delight
0:21:41 > 0:21:44# "I'll stay out as long as you like this week..."
0:21:44 > 0:21:46Wait for it!
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Revelations one.
0:21:48 > 0:21:51# "But I must go home tonight
0:21:51 > 0:21:55# Dee-diddle-di-di Diddly dum-de-da-da... #
0:21:55 > 0:21:57Ow. Oh.
0:21:57 > 0:22:01Oh, that's painful, madam. Especially in these trousers!
0:22:01 > 0:22:03LAUGHTER
0:22:04 > 0:22:07Do you like the suit? It's nice.
0:22:07 > 0:22:10It's all a facade. A theatrical facade.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14- Look at that tie. Look at that. - LAUGHTER
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Ridiculous. The bleedin' hat doesn't fit. Look!
0:22:16 > 0:22:20What are the words? What do you think I'm doing up here?!
0:22:20 > 0:22:23# Off to the station he made a dash to ask about his train
0:22:23 > 0:22:27# To take him home again, but he asked all in vain
0:22:27 > 0:22:30# They said, "There's none running tonight to where you want to go
0:22:30 > 0:22:34# "All traffic is suspended cos the line's blocked up with neige"
0:22:34 > 0:22:38# He walked up and down the platform anything but gay... #
0:22:39 > 0:22:41This is him...
0:22:41 > 0:22:44walking up and down the platform.
0:22:45 > 0:22:47When I first did this song 20 years ago,
0:22:47 > 0:22:50the director said do something gay.
0:22:52 > 0:22:53This is it!
0:22:53 > 0:22:55LAUGHTER
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Pathetic, isn't it?
0:22:57 > 0:23:01# A porter said, "You'll have to wait till morning, I'm afraid"
0:23:01 > 0:23:04# But Jones said, "That's impossible
0:23:04 > 0:23:07# "I cannot be delayed"... #
0:23:07 > 0:23:08All together now.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12# "Oh, I must go home tonight
0:23:12 > 0:23:14# "I must go home tonight
0:23:14 > 0:23:18# "I don't care if it's snowing or blowing, I'm going
0:23:18 > 0:23:22# "I only got married this morning It fills me with delight
0:23:22 > 0:23:24# "I'll stay out as long as you like this week..."
0:23:24 > 0:23:25Silence!
0:23:25 > 0:23:27LAUGHTER
0:23:27 > 0:23:30# "But I must go home tonight"
0:23:30 > 0:23:33# Dee-diddle-di-di Diddly dum-de-da-da... #
0:23:33 > 0:23:35Ow. Oh.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38It doesn't get any easier.
0:23:38 > 0:23:40A very difficult step, this.
0:23:41 > 0:23:44Leonard Sachs taught me this step.
0:23:45 > 0:23:47Well, he didn't teach me. It's how he walks.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49LAUGHTER
0:23:50 > 0:23:53# Out of the station he made a dive and in the street did land
0:23:53 > 0:23:57# He yelled and waved his hand for a hansom off the Strand
0:23:57 > 0:24:00# He gave his address to the driver and in confidence agreed
0:24:00 > 0:24:04# To give him... ba-ca-doo-da-ca Look-a-ba-ca-boo... #
0:24:04 > 0:24:06QUIET LAUGHTER
0:24:08 > 0:24:10I've never learned that bit, have I?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12# But smash
0:24:12 > 0:24:15# Went the hansom for the speed was far too high
0:24:15 > 0:24:18# Said Jones, "I don't live up here" as he shot in the sky
0:24:18 > 0:24:21# He landed on the pave-myent... #
0:24:22 > 0:24:24On the pave-myent!
0:24:24 > 0:24:26# And a police-myan said
0:24:27 > 0:24:28# "Hello
0:24:30 > 0:24:33# "We'll take you to the hopital"... #
0:24:35 > 0:24:36Where the hopity people go!
0:24:37 > 0:24:40# But Jonesy whispered, "No"... #
0:24:40 > 0:24:42Ladies and gentlemen, at this juncture,
0:24:42 > 0:24:44I'm going to do a knee drop.
0:24:44 > 0:24:4720 years ago, a knee drop was to me a matter of course.
0:24:47 > 0:24:49Tonight, it may be the last knee drop...
0:24:49 > 0:24:51LAUGHTER
0:24:51 > 0:24:54# "Oh, I must go home tonight
0:24:54 > 0:24:56# "I must go home tonight
0:24:56 > 0:25:00# "I don't care if it's snowing or blowing, I'm going
0:25:00 > 0:25:03# "I only got married this morning It fills me with delight
0:25:03 > 0:25:06# "I'll stay out as long as you like this week
0:25:06 > 0:25:08# "But I must go home tonight
0:25:08 > 0:25:12# "I must go home tonight, I must go home tonight
0:25:12 > 0:25:15# "I don't care if it's snowing or blowing, I'm going
0:25:15 > 0:25:19# "I only got married this morning It fills me with delight
0:25:19 > 0:25:22# "I'll stay out as long as you like this week
0:25:22 > 0:25:27# "But I must go home to..."
0:25:27 > 0:25:30# Bee-ba-ba-bee-ba-ba-bo! #
0:25:30 > 0:25:32Yeah!
0:25:32 > 0:25:34APPLAUSE
0:25:43 > 0:25:46Munificent in the mountebankery of
0:25:46 > 0:25:50meandering malapropism,
0:25:50 > 0:25:54the one and only Miss Hylda Baker!
0:25:54 > 0:25:57MUSICAL FANFARE AND APPLAUSE
0:26:05 > 0:26:08LAUGHTER
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Hey, shurrup!
0:26:10 > 0:26:11I feel awkward, you know.
0:26:11 > 0:26:13CHEERING
0:26:13 > 0:26:15No, like, I mean...
0:26:15 > 0:26:17I'm just looking for my friend, you see.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22Do you happen to have seen her?
0:26:22 > 0:26:24She's tall.
0:26:25 > 0:26:27She's tall and blonde.
0:26:27 > 0:26:30With sort of, erm, aquamarine features.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Yes, she wears her hair
0:26:32 > 0:26:35in a kind of Nutcracker Suite.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38She looks a bit like Lolla Brigadier.
0:26:38 > 0:26:40LAUGHTER
0:26:40 > 0:26:42As a matter of fact, I think
0:26:42 > 0:26:45it was yesterday a fella took her for Lolla Brigadier.
0:26:45 > 0:26:49Then the police took him for being drunk and disorderly!
0:26:50 > 0:26:51No, oh, she's here.
0:26:51 > 0:26:53WHOOPING
0:26:56 > 0:26:59Cynthia!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06AUDIENCE: Ooooh!
0:27:11 > 0:27:13Where you dashing to?
0:27:13 > 0:27:16I said...
0:27:16 > 0:27:18WHERE
0:27:18 > 0:27:20ARE YOU
0:27:20 > 0:27:22DASHING TO?
0:27:24 > 0:27:26C'mere, I want you.
0:27:28 > 0:27:30LAUGHTER
0:27:30 > 0:27:31Oooh.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34I wish you wouldn't keep your purse down there.
0:27:34 > 0:27:37It's one of those with a twisted top. It's got...
0:27:39 > 0:27:42I've been... Where've you been, eh?!
0:27:42 > 0:27:45It's quarter past... Oh, I must get a little hand put on this...
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Where've you been, eh?
0:27:50 > 0:27:52I told you it'd be soon, didn't I?
0:27:52 > 0:27:56BE SOON, I said.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58BE SOON!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Look at her...
0:28:03 > 0:28:04She looks through you.
0:28:04 > 0:28:07I wouldn't care, but she knows, you know.
0:28:07 > 0:28:10Just won't let on, you see.
0:28:10 > 0:28:12That's it. That...
0:28:13 > 0:28:15SHE MUTTERS
0:28:15 > 0:28:18She's not all she should be.
0:28:20 > 0:28:22No, she's not been the same
0:28:22 > 0:28:26since she fell off their Alfred's tantrum.
0:28:29 > 0:28:33Oh, yes. What...What a thing that was, you know.
0:28:33 > 0:28:35There was three of them on it,
0:28:35 > 0:28:38should only be only two on a tantrum, you see.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40They were riding along.
0:28:40 > 0:28:42You'd only gone about 15 yards, hadn't you?
0:28:42 > 0:28:4415 YARDS!
0:28:44 > 0:28:45Say, yeah.
0:28:45 > 0:28:4815 yards, but a dog comes right in front of them
0:28:48 > 0:28:49so she being the biggest,
0:28:49 > 0:28:52she went right over the top and hit herself right into the lamppost.
0:28:52 > 0:28:55Their Alice, she was the first one to come to.
0:28:55 > 0:28:57Alice she came to herself, out of herself
0:28:57 > 0:29:00and she shouted to a fella, "Fetch the doctor!" So...
0:29:00 > 0:29:04Well, she knows, Alice does, cos she works at the hospital.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06She's a nurse there. Well,
0:29:06 > 0:29:08not exactly a nurse.
0:29:08 > 0:29:11She's a cleaner there, you know, so...
0:29:11 > 0:29:13she knows what's she doing.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15SHE'S CLEVER, ISN'T SHE, ALICE?
0:29:15 > 0:29:16CLEVER, YOUR ALICE!
0:29:16 > 0:29:18Hmmmm...
0:29:20 > 0:29:23Nobody can make senna pods like their Alice.
0:29:23 > 0:29:27She really ought to be certified, you know. Anyway,
0:29:27 > 0:29:31she fetched the doctor, this fellow and the doctor...
0:29:31 > 0:29:33He only looked at you once, didn't he?
0:29:33 > 0:29:36He said, "I'm no use to her," he said.
0:29:36 > 0:29:39"What this girl needs is the pie-chiatrist."
0:29:39 > 0:29:42Anyway, she went to the pie-chiatrist and he says,
0:29:42 > 0:29:47"I'm sorry," he says, "I won't be able to dog nose your case today,
0:29:47 > 0:29:49"come back Thursday."
0:29:49 > 0:29:52Thursday, yes, I've just told them that. "Thursday," he says,
0:29:52 > 0:29:54"and I'll piecomanamalyse you."
0:29:57 > 0:30:00You could feel the strength leaving her body, you know.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02Cos she's never had it, you see.
0:30:02 > 0:30:06Then he tried to "delve", that's what he said he was doing.
0:30:06 > 0:30:10He says, "I'm trying to delve into her past. Are you married?"
0:30:10 > 0:30:12"ARE YOU MARRIED," he said to you, didn't he?
0:30:12 > 0:30:14So she said no.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16And that's when I butted in.
0:30:16 > 0:30:18I said, "No, she's not married,
0:30:18 > 0:30:20"but she's not been neglected."
0:30:20 > 0:30:22LAUGHTER
0:30:22 > 0:30:24Well, I wasn't letting him have all his own way because she's not,
0:30:24 > 0:30:28I mean, that fellow that she went out with, you know, ohhhhh!
0:30:28 > 0:30:30He was...
0:30:31 > 0:30:34He were... He was a sailor, wasn't he?
0:30:34 > 0:30:36A SAILOR!
0:30:36 > 0:30:40Yeah. He asked you to marry him, didn't he? Yes.
0:30:40 > 0:30:44Well, he wasn't exactly a sailor, he leads a horse down the canal bank.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47LAUGHTER
0:30:47 > 0:30:49So...
0:30:49 > 0:30:52wherever there was a canal, I mean...
0:30:52 > 0:30:54He'd have to be there, wouldn't he?
0:30:54 > 0:30:56When you get married you want them at home, don't you?
0:30:56 > 0:30:59Well, at first you do any road. Anyway,
0:30:59 > 0:31:02she should worry and spoil her shape cos she's a beautiful actress.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05Oh, she's been in the amateurs now...
0:31:05 > 0:31:07HOW LONG YOU BEEN IN THE AMATEURS NOW?
0:31:07 > 0:31:0912 years? 12 years?
0:31:09 > 0:31:11At the amateurs.
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Yes. She hasn't been on yet, but...
0:31:15 > 0:31:23I'll get her to give you a few things that she did...
0:31:23 > 0:31:26A few exceptions from her repertory.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30You'll hear her speak. When she speaks it's like silk.
0:31:30 > 0:31:32Well, she's had lessons in electrocution.
0:31:32 > 0:31:36Come over here a minute. That's right. Now...
0:31:36 > 0:31:37If I...
0:31:39 > 0:31:42I said come over there, I didn't say dash off!
0:31:43 > 0:31:45Full pelt!
0:31:45 > 0:31:46Come 'ere.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50I want you to...to do something for the ladies and gentlemen.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52You know, do something.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54For the ladies and gentlemen.
0:31:54 > 0:31:57Erm... Do that thing you did on the charabanc.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00No, no, don't do that.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02LAUGHTER
0:32:02 > 0:32:03No, don't do that, no. Erm...
0:32:03 > 0:32:06No, I'll tell you what, better still,
0:32:06 > 0:32:09I'll get her to tell you jokes. She's ever so comical.
0:32:09 > 0:32:12She has me in stitches of laughter.
0:32:12 > 0:32:16Tell the ladies and gentlemen a joke, love, that's it.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21A JOKE!
0:32:21 > 0:32:24Tell that one you told on the charabanc.
0:32:24 > 0:32:25And after you'd told it,
0:32:25 > 0:32:28they had to stop the charabanc cos they all wanted air!
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Eh?!
0:32:32 > 0:32:34About that, erm...
0:32:34 > 0:32:37(About that spinster.)
0:32:39 > 0:32:42THAT SPINSTER THAT WASN'T MARRIED.
0:32:42 > 0:32:45She was talking to the woman next door who was married.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48The woman next door who was married, said to the spinster who
0:32:48 > 0:32:51wasn't married, "Are you lonely, living by yourself?"
0:32:51 > 0:32:55And the spinster says, "Oh, no," she says,
0:32:55 > 0:32:58"because I have 1,000 goldfish."
0:32:58 > 0:33:021,000 goldfish, it's a lot, in't it, you know?
0:33:02 > 0:33:07Anyway, the woman was taken aback, she says, "1,000 goldfish!"
0:33:07 > 0:33:11Cos she'd peeped through the curtains many a time
0:33:11 > 0:33:12and hadn't seen anything.
0:33:12 > 0:33:16So she says, "Where do you put them?"
0:33:16 > 0:33:19SHE GIGGLES
0:33:19 > 0:33:22Tell them where she says she put them.
0:33:22 > 0:33:23Where she says.
0:33:23 > 0:33:25"I put them in the bath."
0:33:25 > 0:33:28"In the bath?" said the woman.
0:33:28 > 0:33:31"Well, what do you do with the goldfish
0:33:31 > 0:33:34"when you want to take a bath?!"
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Hylda GIGGLES
0:33:37 > 0:33:41Tell them what she says she does with the goldfish when she wants to take a bath!
0:33:41 > 0:33:43Hylda LAUGHS
0:33:43 > 0:33:46Well, she says, "I blindfold them."
0:33:50 > 0:33:52APPLAUSE
0:33:56 > 0:33:58She has me in stitches.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01And she knows.
0:34:01 > 0:34:02MUSIC STARTS
0:34:02 > 0:34:04# Yes, she knows! #
0:34:04 > 0:34:06DRUM ROLL
0:34:06 > 0:34:09Eh, you're bonny.
0:34:09 > 0:34:12# She knows, you know! #
0:34:12 > 0:34:15CYMBALS CLASH
0:34:21 > 0:34:25APPLAUSE CONTINUES WITH MUSIC
0:34:39 > 0:34:44Heart-throbbing, herald harbinger,
0:34:44 > 0:34:47enhancing Hibernian...
0:34:47 > 0:34:49AUDIENCE: Oooh!
0:34:49 > 0:34:54..harmonies, your own, your very own, Mr Val Doonican.
0:34:54 > 0:34:58APPLAUSE AND CHEERS
0:34:58 > 0:35:01MUSIC PLAYS
0:35:01 > 0:35:02Thank you!
0:35:02 > 0:35:05Hello.
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Good evening.
0:35:07 > 0:35:08How are you? All right?
0:35:08 > 0:35:15# Our love is teasin' and love is pleasin'
0:35:15 > 0:35:21# And love is a pleasure when first it's new
0:35:21 > 0:35:24# But as it grows older
0:35:24 > 0:35:28# Then love grows colder
0:35:28 > 0:35:34# And fades away like the mornin' dew
0:35:36 > 0:35:43# I left me father, I left me mother
0:35:43 > 0:35:49# I left me brothers and sisters too
0:35:49 > 0:35:56# I left all me friends and me fine relations
0:35:56 > 0:36:03# I left them all for the love of you
0:36:03 > 0:36:10# Our love is teasin' and love is pleasin'
0:36:10 > 0:36:17# And love is a pleasure when first it's new
0:36:17 > 0:36:24# But as it grows older, then love grows colder
0:36:24 > 0:36:32# And fades away like the mornin' dew! #
0:36:42 > 0:36:44Thank you.
0:36:45 > 0:36:47Thank you. Thank you very much.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49- Good evening to you all. - ALL: Good evening.
0:36:49 > 0:36:52I've been asked to sing, ladies and gentlemen, a little Irish song.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54This is a song I learned when I was a child
0:36:54 > 0:36:58because when I was a child, like lots of other people, all my family,
0:36:58 > 0:37:02we would sit around in the evening and sing songs in harmony.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06That's true, people would come for miles - to complain about it.
0:37:06 > 0:37:07LAUGHTER
0:37:07 > 0:37:09And... Ready? Here we go. Ssh!
0:37:16 > 0:37:19# O'Rafferty's pig was a wonderful animal... #
0:37:19 > 0:37:22- LAUGHTER - Ssh! No, please, please.
0:37:25 > 0:37:28# Built like a battleship, solid and stout... #
0:37:28 > 0:37:30ONE PERSON LAUGHS
0:37:33 > 0:37:37# His ignorance would have disgraced any cannibal
0:37:37 > 0:37:39# Impudence written all over his snout
0:37:41 > 0:37:43# The night he got out, there was such a commotion
0:37:43 > 0:37:47# The women were screaming and men turning pale
0:37:47 > 0:37:50# Running and jumping, colliding and bumping
0:37:51 > 0:37:53# And everyone making a grab at his tail
0:37:58 > 0:38:01# Mickey Malone, the heavyweight champion,
0:38:01 > 0:38:03# Ran at the pig with a big rolling pin
0:38:05 > 0:38:07# He missed it a blow, caught Mrs Monroe
0:38:07 > 0:38:10# And lifted her bustle up under her chin
0:38:15 > 0:38:18# Widow Malone fell through the shop window
0:38:18 > 0:38:22# In pickles and jam and red herrings she lay
0:38:25 > 0:38:28# With egg and tomatoes all over her garters... #
0:38:31 > 0:38:33LAUGHTER
0:38:33 > 0:38:36# The night that O'Rafferty's pig ran away. #
0:38:38 > 0:38:40This is the last verse.
0:38:40 > 0:38:43# Then a terrible crowd led by Denis Cassidy
0:38:43 > 0:38:45# Chased it with vengeance from Dublin to Cork
0:38:45 > 0:38:47# And didn't they swear when the pig with audacity
0:38:47 > 0:38:50# Jumped on a tram and sat watching them walk
0:38:59 > 0:39:02# He ran through the legs of old Councillor Duffy
0:39:05 > 0:39:08# A man of great standing and lofty ideas
0:39:09 > 0:39:13# And when they collided, oul' Duffy backslided
0:39:13 > 0:39:16# And down went the standing of 25 years. #
0:39:18 > 0:39:19Ssh!
0:39:19 > 0:39:22# Burke's wooden leg was broken and shattered
0:39:22 > 0:39:24# He lay on his back, shouting Dr Lamont
0:39:26 > 0:39:28# Barney O'Toole said, "Don't be a fool
0:39:28 > 0:39:31# "It's a hammer and saw and a joiner you want."
0:39:39 > 0:39:43# Then came the news that the pig had been captured
0:39:43 > 0:39:46# The town had a thanksgiving supper that day
0:39:46 > 0:39:48# With cabbage and bacon
0:39:48 > 0:39:50# Unlawfully taken
0:39:51 > 0:39:55# The night that O'Rafferty's pig...ran away. #
0:40:00 > 0:40:02Thank you.
0:40:03 > 0:40:06CHEERING
0:40:09 > 0:40:11Thank you!
0:40:14 > 0:40:17That one's been giving me funny looks all the time.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20Do you feel like a little sing?
0:40:20 > 0:40:21ALL: Yes!
0:40:21 > 0:40:23Go on, then.
0:40:23 > 0:40:24LAUGHTER
0:40:24 > 0:40:26No. No, really, I'm going to sing you a song.
0:40:26 > 0:40:29I'm going to sing you a song that's been sung around the music halls
0:40:29 > 0:40:32by two colleagues of ours, a double act, and who knows,
0:40:32 > 0:40:35one day this song might even be a hit. Here we go.
0:40:35 > 0:40:36PIANO STARTS
0:40:36 > 0:40:37Ahem!
0:40:39 > 0:40:44# On a mountain in Virginia
0:40:44 > 0:40:48# Stands a lonesome pine
0:40:48 > 0:40:53# 'Neath the shade, in the cabin wood
0:40:53 > 0:40:57# Lives that little girl of mine
0:40:57 > 0:40:59# Her name is June
0:40:59 > 0:41:02# And very, very soon
0:41:02 > 0:41:06# She'll belong to me
0:41:06 > 0:41:11# For I know she's waiting there for me
0:41:11 > 0:41:16# 'Neath that old pine tree
0:41:17 > 0:41:23AUDIENCE SINGS ALONG: # In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia
0:41:23 > 0:41:28# On the trail of the lonesome pine
0:41:28 > 0:41:32# In the pale moonshine, our hearts entwine
0:41:32 > 0:41:37# Where she carved her name and I carved mine
0:41:37 > 0:41:39# Oh, June
0:41:39 > 0:41:41# Like the mountains I'm blue
0:41:41 > 0:41:48# Like the pine I am lonesome for you
0:41:48 > 0:41:51AUDIENCE: # In the...
0:41:51 > 0:41:55# Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia
0:41:55 > 0:41:59# On the trail of the lonesome pine. #
0:42:01 > 0:42:02Ssh!
0:42:02 > 0:42:05Gentlemen, ready? Bass solo.
0:42:06 > 0:42:08That's not you!
0:42:08 > 0:42:10Ssh! Ready?
0:42:10 > 0:42:14- DEEP:- # In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia
0:42:14 > 0:42:19# On the trail of the lonesome pine
0:42:19 > 0:42:24# When the pale moon shines, our hearts entwine
0:42:24 > 0:42:28# Where she carved her name and I carved mine
0:42:28 > 0:42:33# Oh, June, like the mountains I'm blue
0:42:33 > 0:42:39# Like the pine, I am lonesome for you... #
0:42:39 > 0:42:41Ladies?
0:42:41 > 0:42:48LADIES: # In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia
0:42:48 > 0:42:51# On the trail of the lonesome pine... #
0:42:51 > 0:42:52All together now!
0:42:52 > 0:42:57# In the Blue Ridge Mountains of Virginia
0:42:57 > 0:43:06# On the trail of the lonesome pine. #
0:43:10 > 0:43:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:30 > 0:43:31And now, ladies and gentlemen,
0:43:31 > 0:43:34there's just time to ask Miss Hylda Baker, Mr Val Doonican,
0:43:34 > 0:43:36to lead you in the last chorus for tonight,
0:43:36 > 0:43:37Down at The Old Bull and Bush.
0:43:37 > 0:43:40Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Hylda Baker, Mr Val Doonican,
0:43:40 > 0:43:42the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann,
0:43:42 > 0:43:44the entire and inexhaustible orchestra...
0:43:44 > 0:43:46CHEERING
0:43:46 > 0:43:48..but this time, chiefly...
0:43:48 > 0:43:50ALL: Yourselves!
0:43:50 > 0:43:53ORCHESTRA PLAYS
0:43:53 > 0:43:57# Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:43:57 > 0:44:00# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:44:00 > 0:44:01# Da-da-da-da-da
0:44:01 > 0:44:05# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:44:05 > 0:44:07# Down at the old Bull and Bush
0:44:09 > 0:44:12# Hear the little German band pa pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa
0:44:12 > 0:44:16# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:44:16 > 0:44:20# Do, do, come and have a drink or two
0:44:20 > 0:44:24# Down at the old Bull and Bush. #
0:44:26 > 0:44:29APPLAUSE
0:44:33 > 0:44:37AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG WITH BAND