0:00:02 > 0:00:05MUSIC: Oh! Oh! Antonio! by Florrie Forde
0:00:05 > 0:00:12# Oh, oh, Antonio, he's gone away
0:00:12 > 0:00:20# Left me all alonio, all on my ownio
0:00:20 > 0:00:26# I'd like to see him with his new sweetheart
0:00:29 > 0:00:33# Then up will go Antonio
0:00:33 > 0:00:38# And his ice-cream cart. #
0:00:44 > 0:00:46TRUMPET FANFARE
0:00:56 > 0:00:58- AUDIENCE:- Woo!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01Once again...
0:01:01 > 0:01:06good evening, ladies and gentlemen!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08CHEERING
0:01:11 > 0:01:14Our cornucopic...
0:01:14 > 0:01:16charivaria...
0:01:16 > 0:01:19ingratiates...
0:01:19 > 0:01:21initially with
0:01:21 > 0:01:24a sparkling sextuplicity...
0:01:24 > 0:01:26CHEERING
0:01:26 > 0:01:30..perennial improteanism...
0:01:31 > 0:01:33..The Players' Theatre!
0:01:33 > 0:01:36APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:45# Who were you with last night?
0:01:45 > 0:01:48# Who were you with last night?
0:01:48 > 0:01:52# It wasn't your sister It wasn't your ma
0:01:52 > 0:01:55# Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
0:01:55 > 0:01:59# Who were you with last night?
0:01:59 > 0:02:02# Out in the pale moonlight
0:02:02 > 0:02:06# Are you going to tell your missus when you get home?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09# Who were you with last night? #
0:02:13 > 0:02:17# Every evening I am seen
0:02:17 > 0:02:20# Walking home with Angeline
0:02:20 > 0:02:24# She's the girl I idolise
0:02:24 > 0:02:28# And she has such dreamy eyes
0:02:28 > 0:02:32# So I'm just as happy as I can be
0:02:32 > 0:02:36# When I'm in her company
0:02:36 > 0:02:40# Troubles fly away and the world seems gay
0:02:40 > 0:02:44# When I'm walking home with Angeline. #
0:02:44 > 0:02:49# For when I walk
0:02:49 > 0:02:51# I always walk with Billy
0:02:51 > 0:02:54# Cos Billy knows just where to walk
0:02:54 > 0:02:59# And when I talk I always talk with Billy
0:02:59 > 0:03:03# Cos Billy knows just how to talk
0:03:03 > 0:03:07# And when I dine I always dine with Billy
0:03:07 > 0:03:10# He takes me out and pays the bill
0:03:10 > 0:03:16# And when I sleep Yes, when I sleep
0:03:16 > 0:03:21# I always dream of Bill. #
0:03:21 > 0:03:26# Sweet Rosie O'Grady
0:03:26 > 0:03:30# My beautiful Rose
0:03:30 > 0:03:34# She's my little lady
0:03:34 > 0:03:38# That everyone knows
0:03:38 > 0:03:43# And when we are married
0:03:43 > 0:03:47# How happy we'll be
0:03:47 > 0:03:51# Cos I love sweet Rosie O'Grady
0:03:51 > 0:03:56# And Rosie O'Grady loves me
0:03:56 > 0:03:58# She's the only girl that I have ever met
0:03:58 > 0:03:59# To set my poor heart in a whirl
0:03:59 > 0:04:01# With her blue and smiling Irish eyes
0:04:01 > 0:04:04# She can sure steal your heart away
0:04:04 > 0:04:06# She's the only girl that I have ever met that
0:04:06 > 0:04:08# I can promise never ever to forget
0:04:08 > 0:04:12# For she beguiles if we can take the smiles by night and by day
0:04:12 > 0:04:15# Cosy little Rosie is a Rosie Posey
0:04:15 > 0:04:17# Sweet and fresh as morning dew and you can rest assured
0:04:17 > 0:04:20# She is the prettiest girl you'll ever hope to see
0:04:20 > 0:04:22# So let it be disclosed that I have just proposed
0:04:22 > 0:04:24# And been accepted by my darling little Rose
0:04:24 > 0:04:28# And Rosie O'Grady loves me. #
0:04:28 > 0:04:31# Why do the boys run after the girls?
0:04:31 > 0:04:35# And why do the girls love boys?
0:04:35 > 0:04:38# Why do they stroll down green shady lanes?
0:04:38 > 0:04:42# Sharing each other's joys
0:04:42 > 0:04:45# Ever since Eve made poor old Adam grieve
0:04:45 > 0:04:48# Together they're always found
0:04:48 > 0:04:50# No matter the weather
0:04:50 > 0:04:52# You'll find them together
0:04:52 > 0:04:55# Just as long as the world goes round
0:04:55 > 0:04:59# Just as long as the world goes round! #
0:04:59 > 0:05:02APPLAUSE
0:05:13 > 0:05:15Infectiously...
0:05:15 > 0:05:17AUDIENCE CHEER
0:05:17 > 0:05:19Not quite the same as contagious.
0:05:19 > 0:05:20LAUGHTER
0:05:20 > 0:05:25Refreshing in a dashing distillation of digital
0:05:25 > 0:05:30and metatarsal eurhythmic spontaneity.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35Twin tap dancing.
0:05:35 > 0:05:41Mr Bill Drysdale and Miss Christine Cartwright.
0:05:41 > 0:05:43APPLAUSE
0:08:28 > 0:08:30APPLAUSE
0:08:46 > 0:08:51Magisterial manifestations
0:08:51 > 0:08:56of verisimilitudinous
0:08:56 > 0:08:59ventral vocalisation.
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Voice throwing.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05Welcome back to Mr John Bouchier!
0:09:05 > 0:09:08CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:09:12 > 0:09:16Well, thank you very much indeed for that very nice introduction.
0:09:16 > 0:09:19'Nice introduction, you didn't understand a word of it!'
0:09:19 > 0:09:20LAUGHTER
0:09:20 > 0:09:23As a matter of fact I did. 'Well, I didn't.'
0:09:23 > 0:09:25That's because you're not very well-educated,
0:09:25 > 0:09:28and without a good education, you'll never be able to work.
0:09:28 > 0:09:29'I was working all last summer.
0:09:29 > 0:09:33'I was a lifeguard on the beach all summer, saving the girls.'
0:09:33 > 0:09:35Saving the girls. What for?
0:09:35 > 0:09:36'The winter.
0:09:37 > 0:09:39'What's that thing there?'
0:09:39 > 0:09:42That's got nothing whatever to do with you but as you've mentioned it,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44I'd like to show the ladies and gentleman,
0:09:44 > 0:09:46so I'd like you to sit down and be a good boy, sit over here.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50That's the idea, just sit there like that, all right?
0:09:50 > 0:09:52And I'll show the ladies and gentleman.
0:09:52 > 0:09:54In fact, you can turn you head round like that.
0:09:58 > 0:10:01A little girl came up to me. She said, "Would you do me a favour?"
0:10:01 > 0:10:04I said, "Certainly." She said, "Could you mend my dolly for me?"
0:10:04 > 0:10:06I said, "Yes, if you've got the part."
0:10:06 > 0:10:08So she gave me the body, I said, "Is there any more to it?"
0:10:08 > 0:10:11She said, "No." I thought, "Well, it needs a head."
0:10:11 > 0:10:13So I got a sort of tennis ball and cut it in half, painted it up
0:10:13 > 0:10:15so it looked like a face,
0:10:15 > 0:10:19and placed it on the back of my hand like this with a piece of elastic.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21- HE COUGHS - Excuse me.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Throat needs clearing.
0:10:23 > 0:10:24'Needs cutting.'
0:10:24 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:30 > 0:10:32That wasn't very polite.
0:10:32 > 0:10:34'No, but it was sincere.'
0:10:34 > 0:10:37I said, "How's that?" She said, "That's fine.
0:10:37 > 0:10:39"There's only one thing wrong with it - there are no lips on it."
0:10:39 > 0:10:42So I borrowed a stick of lipstick and I painted some lips on it
0:10:42 > 0:10:43rather like this.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45- 'It's your own lipstick.' - LAUGHTER
0:10:47 > 0:10:49I said, "What do you call this little fella?"
0:10:49 > 0:10:51She said, "Andy". So that's what we're going to call him.
0:10:51 > 0:10:53There he is, there's Andy.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57APPLAUSE
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Hello, Andy. 'Hello.'
0:11:03 > 0:11:06How are you? 'Very well, thank you.'
0:11:06 > 0:11:08I'm very pleased to hear that. Do you go to school?
0:11:08 > 0:11:10'I go to two schools.'
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Oh, two schools. 'Weekday school and Sunday school.'
0:11:13 > 0:11:17Oh. Which school do you like best? 'Sunday school.'
0:11:17 > 0:11:22Why is that? 'I only go once a week.' Oh.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24APPLAUSE
0:11:24 > 0:11:26Can you sing?
0:11:26 > 0:11:28'I can do the scales.' All right, do the scales for me.
0:11:28 > 0:11:31'Do, re, me, fa...
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- 'sol, la, si, do!' - VOICE BREAKS
0:11:34 > 0:11:37Well, it's not bad but you must learn to hold your note.
0:11:37 > 0:11:39Could you hold a note? 'Certainly.' How long for?
0:11:39 > 0:11:42'As long as you can.' As long as I can(!)
0:11:42 > 0:11:43Well, I'll tell you what we'll do,
0:11:43 > 0:11:46we'll have a little practice, a little rehearsal.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48- See if you can hold a note for everybody here.- 'Now?'
0:11:48 > 0:11:49Yes, now. 'OK.'
0:11:49 > 0:11:51HE HOLDS A HIGH NOTE
0:12:07 > 0:12:09'OK.' That's fine.
0:12:18 > 0:12:21Well, that's lovely. Now, for being such a good little boy,
0:12:21 > 0:12:23would you like a little piece of chocolate?
0:12:23 > 0:12:25'I'd like a big piece of chocolate.
0:12:25 > 0:12:27'Greedy guts.'
0:12:27 > 0:12:29You can't have a lot of chocolate because you'll be ill,
0:12:29 > 0:12:31but here's a little piece of chocolate
0:12:31 > 0:12:34and when it's gone, will you let me know because its past your bedtime?
0:12:34 > 0:12:38There we are. That's the idea. Don't bite my finger, that's it.
0:12:41 > 0:12:43Has it gone yet? 'Not yet.'
0:12:43 > 0:12:45Hurry up and take your time.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50School tomorrow.
0:12:50 > 0:12:52LAUGHTER
0:12:55 > 0:12:58You'll get no pocket money.
0:12:58 > 0:13:00Now? 'Yes, thank you.' Show me your tongue.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Oh, yes, so it has, thank you.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04DA-DA!
0:13:10 > 0:13:14Ah, this is lovely, this is my Aunt Ada, say hello. 'Hello, dears.'
0:13:14 > 0:13:16That's right.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19'It is nice to see so many gentlemen in uniform.'
0:13:19 > 0:13:21Yes, it is nice, isn't it?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24'Oh, he's rather gorgeous, isn't he?'
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Do you mean the chairman?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32'Yes, dear.' Oh, you like him, do you? Leonard Sachs.
0:13:32 > 0:13:33'Does he, dear?'
0:13:33 > 0:13:34LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:37No, that's his name.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40I expect you're thinking about your summer holidays, aren't you?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43'Yes, dear.' Where did you go last year?
0:13:43 > 0:13:46'I went on a world cruise last year.'
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Did you? 'Yes. I think I'll go somewhere else this year.'
0:13:51 > 0:13:54And when you were on your world cruise, did you visit Greece?
0:13:54 > 0:13:56'Oh, yes, dear.'
0:13:56 > 0:13:59And when you were in Greece, did you have the shish kebabs?
0:13:59 > 0:14:01All the time I was there.
0:14:07 > 0:14:09'Well, I...
0:14:09 > 0:14:11'I can't sit here all night,
0:14:11 > 0:14:15'I'm going up to the Circle Bar for a little drink.' Are you? 'Yes'.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17You won't drink too much whilst you're up there, will you?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20'No, dear, I always know when I've had enough.' How's that?
0:14:20 > 0:14:23'I fall flat on my face.'
0:14:23 > 0:14:24Well, now, listen, I think
0:14:24 > 0:14:27I'd better accompany you to the bar, so will you say good night, auntie?
0:14:27 > 0:14:28'Good night, Auntie.'
0:14:28 > 0:14:31Good night, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.
0:14:43 > 0:14:46From Australia,
0:14:46 > 0:14:49a desirable debutant,
0:14:49 > 0:14:52dichotomous in...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Looking two ways.
0:14:54 > 0:14:59..in a dilemma, presuming your participatory reciprocity.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01AUDIENCE: Ohh!
0:15:01 > 0:15:02Miss Bea Aston!
0:15:02 > 0:15:04APPLAUSE
0:15:11 > 0:15:14# Sweet Susie Simpson had such lovely hair
0:15:14 > 0:15:16# It reached down to her waist
0:15:16 > 0:15:20# Till friends sweetly told her that around Mayfair
0:15:20 > 0:15:22# Having hair was thought bad taste
0:15:22 > 0:15:25# Bobbed or shingled It must be, dear, said they
0:15:25 > 0:15:28# If you wish to be wed
0:15:28 > 0:15:31# Till in blank despair in that faithful chair
0:15:31 > 0:15:36# At the hairdressers shop She said...
0:15:36 > 0:15:39# Shall I have it bobbed or shingled?
0:15:39 > 0:15:42# Shall I have it shingled or bobbed?
0:15:42 > 0:15:45# Sister Cissie said oh, have it shorn short, Sue
0:15:45 > 0:15:48# Shingled, shorn and shaven like the swell set do
0:15:48 > 0:15:50# Shall I have it shingled shorter?
0:15:50 > 0:15:53# Said Susie as she sighed and sobbed
0:15:53 > 0:15:56# Sister Cissie said she doesn't see it short and shingled
0:15:56 > 0:15:59# But both my brothers Bert and Bobbie say it's better bobbed
0:16:04 > 0:16:07# Inside the butcher's shop at Golders Green
0:16:07 > 0:16:10# Just after closing time
0:16:10 > 0:16:12# A cat caught its tail in the sau-sage machine
0:16:12 > 0:16:15# And was cut off in her prime
0:16:15 > 0:16:17# She walked out with her tail ripped off
0:16:17 > 0:16:20# And swang to the cats with pride
0:16:20 > 0:16:24# Then the tabs and Toms with their tos and froms
0:16:24 > 0:16:28# In the sausage machine and cried Ohhh!
0:16:28 > 0:16:32# Shall I have it bobbed or shingled?
0:16:32 > 0:16:35# Shall I have shingled or bobbed?
0:16:35 > 0:16:37# Sister Cissie says oh, have it shorn short, Sue
0:16:37 > 0:16:40# Singled, shorn and shaven like the swell set do
0:16:40 > 0:16:43# Shall I have it shingled shorter?
0:16:43 > 0:16:45# Said Susie as she sighed and sobbed
0:16:45 > 0:16:48# Sister Cissie said she doesn't see it short and shingled
0:16:48 > 0:16:51# But both my brothers Bert and Bobbie say its better bobbed. #
0:16:51 > 0:16:55Third verse coming up. Then it's your turn.
0:16:56 > 0:17:02# Lady Godiva on a snow white mare once rode through Coventry
0:17:02 > 0:17:05# And all she was wearing was her lovely hair
0:17:05 > 0:17:08# Oh, it reached down to her knees
0:17:08 > 0:17:13# Peeping Tom at his window pane exclaimed when he saw the sight
0:17:13 > 0:17:17# Oh, your hair's all wrong cos it is much too long
0:17:17 > 0:17:20# And Godiva replied "You're right." #
0:17:20 > 0:17:23She said... Here we go...
0:17:23 > 0:17:26# Shall I have it bobbed or shingled?
0:17:26 > 0:17:28# Shall I have it shingled or bobbed?
0:17:28 > 0:17:32# Sister Cissie says oh, have it shorn short, Sue
0:17:32 > 0:17:36# Shingled, shorn and shaven like the swell set do
0:17:36 > 0:17:39# Shall I have it shingled shorter?
0:17:39 > 0:17:41# Said Susie as she sighed and sobbed
0:17:41 > 0:17:45# Sister Cissie says she'd sooner see it short and shingled
0:17:45 > 0:17:48# But both my brothers, Bert and Bobbie, say it's better bobbed. #
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Oh, that was very good. In fact, it was so good,
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I think we can try it again but a bit quicker this time.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56Are you ready? Here we go!
0:17:56 > 0:17:58# Shall I have it bobbed or shingled?
0:17:58 > 0:18:01# Shall I have it shingled or bobbed?
0:18:01 > 0:18:03QUICKLY: # Sister Cissie says oh, have it shorn short, Sue
0:18:03 > 0:18:06# Shingled, shorn and shaven like the swell set do
0:18:06 > 0:18:08# Shall I have it shingled shorter?
0:18:08 > 0:18:09# Said Susie as she sighed and sobbed
0:18:09 > 0:18:12# Sister Cissie says she'd sooner see it short and shingled
0:18:12 > 0:18:15# But both my brothers, Bert and Bobbie, say it's better bobbed. #
0:18:15 > 0:18:16AUDIENCE: Wahey!
0:18:29 > 0:18:32From France...
0:18:32 > 0:18:35Gal.. Don't get excited.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Galvanically Gaelic panache.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42- AUDIENCE:- Wow!
0:18:42 > 0:18:46Precipitates a proliferative
0:18:46 > 0:18:51prodigality of perilous peedle propulsion.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56Foot juggling. LAUGHTER
0:18:56 > 0:18:59Monsieur Leo Bassi!
0:18:59 > 0:19:01APPLAUSE
0:19:06 > 0:19:07CIRCUS MUSIC
0:19:42 > 0:19:44CHEERING
0:21:11 > 0:21:13APPLAUSE
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Bravo!
0:21:14 > 0:21:15Bravo!
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Et bien merci, madames et monsieurs.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23Thank you very, very much, ladies and gentlemen.
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Now I would like to attempt, for
0:21:25 > 0:21:29the first time in Great Britain, an extraordinary feat with my feet.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34I would like to try and juggle this piano here,
0:21:34 > 0:21:36a genuine Stradivarius.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41You can admire the woodwork.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44So to prove that I'm an honest person
0:21:44 > 0:21:49and that I'm very sincere, and there are no tricks, may I have
0:21:49 > 0:21:53a gentleman from the audience which my charming partner, Armelle,
0:21:53 > 0:21:54is going to fetch.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58So could I have a gentleman, please? A gentleman anywhere.
0:21:58 > 0:21:59A volunteer.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Thank you very much.
0:22:13 > 0:22:19No funny business, Armelle! No funny business, s'il vous plait.
0:22:19 > 0:22:23- Alors, s'il vous plait, quelle est votre nom? Do you speak...?- Tom.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- He speaks French.- Oh, yes.
0:22:25 > 0:22:29Tom, Tom, my name is Leo. This is Armelle.
0:22:31 > 0:22:33So, Mr Tom, could you come over here?
0:22:35 > 0:22:39In England, it is not Mr Tom? In England?
0:22:39 > 0:22:42Could you tell the ladies and gentleman
0:22:42 > 0:22:44whether you think this is heavy?
0:22:44 > 0:22:46Very.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51I'll give you a fiver late on, thank you.
0:22:51 > 0:22:52HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:22:52 > 0:22:54But I am French, so this is true.
0:22:54 > 0:22:58Now, Mr Tom. Mr Tom, do you like working?
0:22:58 > 0:23:02- Not very much.- He doesn't like working.- Too bad for you.
0:23:02 > 0:23:06It's too bad, it's terrible because tonight you must work.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08Vous allez travailler un petit peu.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12- Could you put this piano onto my feet, please?- Easy.
0:23:12 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER
0:23:13 > 0:23:17It is more easy for you, difficult for me.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19Now, bring the piano forward.
0:23:19 > 0:23:23A moment of silence because there might be some dead people here.
0:23:24 > 0:23:26OK.
0:23:26 > 0:23:31Ladies and gentlemen, Beethoven will play now concerto
0:23:31 > 0:23:33for feet and piano.
0:23:34 > 0:23:38- Is that right?- That is right. - That is right! Thank you very much.
0:23:38 > 0:23:39Go on, Tom.
0:23:39 > 0:23:41DRUMROLL
0:23:43 > 0:23:44Thank you, Tom!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46Thank you very much.
0:23:46 > 0:23:47CIRCUS MUSIC
0:23:54 > 0:23:56APPLAUSE
0:24:24 > 0:24:26APPLAUSE
0:24:26 > 0:24:28TRUMPET PLAYS FRENCH NATIONAL ANTHEM
0:24:57 > 0:24:59APPLAUSE
0:25:09 > 0:25:12A jubilant germination
0:25:12 > 0:25:18of jauntily coordinate corybantics.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21Simultaneous steps.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25Mr Bill Drysdale and Miss Christine Cartwright.
0:25:25 > 0:25:27APPLAUSE
0:25:30 > 0:25:32JAUNTY MUSIC HALL TUNE
0:28:08 > 0:28:10APPLAUSE
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Seductively inveigling
0:28:26 > 0:28:29our inveterate voluptuaries.
0:28:29 > 0:28:31- AUDIENCE:- Oh!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34Licentious soldiery
0:28:34 > 0:28:38in illimitable libidinousness...
0:28:38 > 0:28:41Desire.
0:28:41 > 0:28:43Miss Bea Aston!
0:28:43 > 0:28:45APPLAUSE
0:28:54 > 0:28:59# Since I was a child of three
0:28:59 > 0:29:04# If someone would cuddle me
0:29:06 > 0:29:11# I'd cry for more more, more, more
0:29:11 > 0:29:14# Cos I'm a glutton for love
0:29:14 > 0:29:18# I thought kissing was so nice
0:29:18 > 0:29:21# No-one had to ask me to twice
0:29:21 > 0:29:26# I'd cry for more more, more, more
0:29:26 > 0:29:29# Cos I'm a glutton for love
0:29:29 > 0:29:32# And though I'm now grown-up
0:29:32 > 0:29:33# I'll own up
0:29:33 > 0:29:36# I haven't changed a bit
0:29:36 > 0:29:40# If you are affectionate You can bet
0:29:40 > 0:29:43# With me, you make a hit
0:29:44 > 0:29:48# Wish I knew a super chic
0:29:48 > 0:29:51# One whose kisses would last a week
0:29:51 > 0:29:56# I'd cry for more... Uh-huh
0:29:56 > 0:30:00# I'm a glutton for love
0:30:00 > 0:30:02# Now, I don't know my pedigree
0:30:02 > 0:30:08# But someone in my family wished an awful habit on poor me
0:30:08 > 0:30:12# Let me tell you I was born a kissin' bug
0:30:12 > 0:30:15# With arms that always want a hug
0:30:15 > 0:30:20# Petting seems to be my specialty
0:30:20 > 0:30:23# Love is my weakness, I'll admit
0:30:23 > 0:30:31# Seems there is no cure for it. #
0:30:31 > 0:30:32Hit it, Maestro!
0:30:32 > 0:30:35# When I'm with my Romeo
0:30:35 > 0:30:38# Never do I tell him no
0:30:38 > 0:30:41# I just cry more, more, more, more
0:30:41 > 0:30:45# Cos I'm a glutton for love
0:30:45 > 0:30:47# In a car I'm proper nice
0:30:47 > 0:30:51# I'm a girl who don't walk back
0:30:51 > 0:30:54# I just cry more, more, more, more
0:30:54 > 0:30:57# I'm a glutton for love
0:30:57 > 0:31:01# And every place I go seems they know
0:31:01 > 0:31:04# I'm one who loves to mush
0:31:04 > 0:31:07# The moment I arrive
0:31:07 > 0:31:11# It's like a subway ride
0:31:11 > 0:31:15# I could squeeze from now until
0:31:15 > 0:31:19# Seems I'll never get my fill
0:31:19 > 0:31:24# I cried for more more, more, more
0:31:24 > 0:31:32# Cos I'm a glutton for love. #
0:31:33 > 0:31:36CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:49 > 0:31:56Frenetic, in a fusillade of frivolous ephemera,
0:31:56 > 0:31:58the one and only,
0:31:58 > 0:32:00Mr Ken Dodd.
0:32:00 > 0:32:02APPLAUSE
0:32:15 > 0:32:17Chuck it!
0:32:17 > 0:32:19Have you chucked it?!
0:32:19 > 0:32:22Would you mind telling the Blubberhouses Temperance Orchestra
0:32:22 > 0:32:23to jack it up?
0:32:25 > 0:32:30Ladies and gentlemen, my Lord Mayor, Lady Mayoress,
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Alderman Tickle,
0:32:32 > 0:32:35Chairman of the Ways and Means committee,
0:32:35 > 0:32:37President of the Sewage... HE SNIFFS
0:32:37 > 0:32:38Rightio.
0:32:43 > 0:32:45Gladys from the chip shop.
0:32:45 > 0:32:48First of all, folks, I'd like to say - aye, aye!
0:32:48 > 0:32:50- AUDIENCE:- Aye, aye!
0:32:50 > 0:32:52Ah, don't be so skinny with it. Aye, aye!
0:32:52 > 0:32:53- AUDIENCE:- Aye, aye!
0:32:53 > 0:32:54Stop being skinny with it, girls.
0:32:54 > 0:32:56You're not skinny with it, are you, missus?
0:32:56 > 0:32:58No, you don't look as though you'd be.
0:33:00 > 0:33:03I'd like to say... how full of plumptiousness.
0:33:03 > 0:33:05How... Oh, yes, they can't touch you for it,
0:33:05 > 0:33:07not if you touch your hands, and cut your nails.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10- Are you ready for it?- Yes!
0:33:10 > 0:33:11- Do you want it?- Yes!
0:33:11 > 0:33:13- Shall I give it to you?- Yes!
0:33:13 > 0:33:16Well, where is it? I've lost it!
0:33:16 > 0:33:18Right, I'll soon find it.
0:33:20 > 0:33:21AUDIENCE GASPS
0:33:21 > 0:33:24KEN MUMBLES AND SHOUTS
0:33:28 > 0:33:29- AUDIENCE:- Ohh...
0:33:29 > 0:33:31- AUDIENCE:- Wahey!
0:33:31 > 0:33:32Right!
0:33:32 > 0:33:34This is it, right.
0:33:37 > 0:33:39Geronimo!
0:33:51 > 0:33:53By Jove, I needed that!
0:33:55 > 0:33:59This is it, missues, me knockers-up pole.
0:33:59 > 0:34:02I've been round your street loads.
0:34:02 > 0:34:04If I can get this through your letterbox, I'll have you
0:34:04 > 0:34:06on that early bus.
0:34:06 > 0:34:08Oh, do you know?!
0:34:10 > 0:34:12Do you know, that's the way I feel tonight, love.
0:34:12 > 0:34:15Oh, I do, I feel full of it. Do I look full of it?
0:34:17 > 0:34:21What an exhilarating day, gentlemen, for surprising your missus,
0:34:21 > 0:34:24it's nature's way.
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Fill their tights up with King Edward potatoes.
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Say, "Be thankful for small Murphys."
0:34:31 > 0:34:35Try ramming... Oh, no, we can't do that!
0:34:35 > 0:34:39- Yes, go on, go on! - Yes? Go on! Come on.
0:34:39 > 0:34:42Coax me. Go on!
0:34:42 > 0:34:44- Make me do it, make me do it. Go on! AUDIENCE:- Go on!
0:34:44 > 0:34:45I will, I will, I will.
0:34:45 > 0:34:48Ramming a cucumber through the vicar's letterbox and saying,
0:34:48 > 0:34:50"Look out, the Martians are coming."
0:34:53 > 0:34:56Here in this beautiful shoebox... theatre, ladies and gentlemen.
0:34:56 > 0:34:58It's beautiful, by Jove.
0:34:58 > 0:35:01Isn't it a beautiful theatre? It is lovely.
0:35:01 > 0:35:04Notice how all the walls are done in rococo
0:35:04 > 0:35:06by a well-known chocolate firm.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Notice how cunning they have made the floor here
0:35:08 > 0:35:11so it just reaches your feet. This is a feature.
0:35:12 > 0:35:14The ceiling...
0:35:14 > 0:35:17The ceiling here is an exact replica of the Sistine Chapel,
0:35:17 > 0:35:19done in distemper.
0:35:20 > 0:35:23It's beautiful. There's a story attached to this theatre.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25It's on the wall in the gents, it's a good'un.
0:35:27 > 0:35:29What?!
0:35:29 > 0:35:31You see what we are trying to do? Drive you crackers.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33No, what we are trying to do, Mrs Warren,
0:35:33 > 0:35:35is get your chuckle muscles working, love.
0:35:35 > 0:35:37Get your chuckle muscles working.
0:35:37 > 0:35:40That's here in the middle of your diagram.
0:35:40 > 0:35:41So could we have a trial laugh?
0:35:41 > 0:35:44It's very unusual for the artist to audition the audience,
0:35:44 > 0:35:45but there we are, might start a trend.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48A trial ha-ha. After three, a trial ha-ha. One, two, three...
0:35:48 > 0:35:50- AUDIENCE:- Ha-ha.
0:35:53 > 0:35:55I wonder whether anyone will laugh tonight.
0:35:55 > 0:35:58Some people never laugh, you know. Some people have no...
0:35:58 > 0:35:59Some people come to see my show.
0:35:59 > 0:36:01They said they'd been to a play.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03They've...
0:36:03 > 0:36:04East Lynne.
0:36:05 > 0:36:07He was on here last week, you know, East Lynne. Yes.
0:36:07 > 0:36:11I offered myself for the part of Little Willy but they said no.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14He couldn't book me for a very obvious reason. This...
0:36:14 > 0:36:15LAUGHTER
0:36:19 > 0:36:23We were all here at East Lynne and the Queen was here, Queen Victoria.
0:36:23 > 0:36:25The Queen, she spoke to me.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27She said, "Oh, I thought you'd emigrated."
0:36:27 > 0:36:29What is a laugh? What is a laugh?
0:36:29 > 0:36:33A laugh is a noise that comes out of a hole in your face.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35Ha-ha! Anywhere else and you are in trouble.
0:36:41 > 0:36:44Professor Sir Bernard Hermann, have you any laughter, ha-ha music?
0:36:44 > 0:36:47- Yes, we have.- Could we have a little bit, please? Thank you.
0:36:47 > 0:36:49MUSIC: The Blue Danube Waltz by Strauss
0:36:49 > 0:36:51# Ha-ha, ha-ha! #
0:36:51 > 0:36:53Lovely, come on! Hit the note.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55# Ha-ha, ha-ha! #
0:36:55 > 0:36:57Hee-hee.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59# Hee-hee Hee-hee. #
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Whoo-ho-hoo.
0:37:01 > 0:37:03# Whoo-ho-hoo. #
0:37:07 > 0:37:09Missus, are you laughing at something I said
0:37:09 > 0:37:11or something he's done?
0:37:11 > 0:37:14I can't take credit for another lad's work.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18People laugh at all sorts of screwy things like politicians
0:37:18 > 0:37:20and policemen.
0:37:20 > 0:37:24# I know a fat old policeman He's always down our street
0:37:24 > 0:37:27# He's such a jolly red-faced man it really is a treat
0:37:27 > 0:37:30# He's too kind for a policeman he's never known to frown
0:37:30 > 0:37:33# And everybody says he is the happiest man in town
0:37:33 > 0:37:35# Oh-ha-ha-ha
0:37:35 > 0:37:38# Hee-hee-hee-hee
0:37:38 > 0:37:42# Oh-ha-ha-ha. #
0:37:45 > 0:37:47I've let the New Year in.
0:37:48 > 0:37:52Right, now it is your turn. One, two, three - go! Altogether!
0:37:52 > 0:37:55- # Oh-ha-ha-ha. # - Come on, let's hear you!
0:37:55 > 0:37:58- # Oh-ha-ha-ha. # - Get some chuckle muscles working!
0:37:58 > 0:38:01# Oh-ha-ha-ha. #
0:38:03 > 0:38:06APPLAUSE
0:38:08 > 0:38:10And where better...
0:38:10 > 0:38:11Where better to celebrate laughter
0:38:11 > 0:38:14and the music hall than here in the north? The heart of the north.
0:38:14 > 0:38:17NORTHERN ACCENT: Heart of the north!
0:38:17 > 0:38:19That's Eddie Waring.
0:38:19 > 0:38:21# Da-da-da-da! #
0:38:21 > 0:38:23Eddie Waring, the talking trilby.
0:38:25 > 0:38:28We're British, no matter where we're from - British and proud of it,
0:38:28 > 0:38:29- aren't we? ALL:- Yes!
0:38:29 > 0:38:32Folks, I stand here tonight full of the bulldog spirit
0:38:32 > 0:38:34and with teeth to match. I tell you...
0:38:34 > 0:38:36LAUGHTER
0:38:36 > 0:38:40It's the food, sir, it's the food. It stands to reason, the food.
0:38:40 > 0:38:42We English, we eat sensible food like pigs' trotters,
0:38:42 > 0:38:44tripe and chitterlings.
0:38:45 > 0:38:48The Germans, they've all got square heads,
0:38:48 > 0:38:49too much Oxo, that's what it is.
0:38:51 > 0:38:53And the French, the French, no wonder the French are always
0:38:53 > 0:38:57romantic, have you seen those long loaves they're always eating?
0:38:57 > 0:38:59It's true.
0:39:01 > 0:39:05And you wouldn't fancy one of those Spanish fellas, these hot-blooded...
0:39:05 > 0:39:07These picadors, toreadors,
0:39:07 > 0:39:09in the front a-door, out the back a-door.
0:39:11 > 0:39:14Scandinavians, big hairy great Danes with horns growing
0:39:14 > 0:39:18out of their hats, bacon sandwiches strapped to their legs.
0:39:21 > 0:39:25Roaming all round Yorkshire, offering housewives free rashers.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29No, I've no idea what day he's round at.
0:39:33 > 0:39:36My sister, she was engaged to an Eskimo, she broke it off.
0:39:36 > 0:39:38And then of course...
0:39:44 > 0:39:46You wouldn't fancy one of those handsome Italians with
0:39:46 > 0:39:49the black wavy hair, would you, girls?
0:39:49 > 0:39:51ITALIAN ACCENT: Gradi-cheri-veri-geri.
0:39:51 > 0:39:54Gradi-geri-veri, tickle your Auntie Mary...
0:39:54 > 0:39:55Cheri-veri.
0:39:55 > 0:39:58They creep up behind you when you're doing the sprouts.
0:39:58 > 0:39:59"Pffrt!"
0:39:59 > 0:40:03In Germany, all the men are herrs, very confusing.
0:40:04 > 0:40:06It is.
0:40:06 > 0:40:09The German housewives starch their husband's underpants.
0:40:09 > 0:40:11That is why they all walk around...
0:40:12 > 0:40:17In Russia, in Russia, everything ends in "off" so you've no chance.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27Ladies and gentlemen, since we've got
0:40:27 > 0:40:29so many beautiful ladies in here this evening,
0:40:29 > 0:40:32I'd like to tell you about my romantic exploits where I go
0:40:32 > 0:40:33doing all my courting,
0:40:33 > 0:40:36down in the fields where the buttercups all grow.
0:40:39 > 0:40:43# Now, Mary Green loves me and I love her true
0:40:43 > 0:40:47# We blush when we meet like all true-lovers do
0:40:47 > 0:40:51# Behind the plantation where green meadows run
0:40:51 > 0:40:56# We spoon in the dark and we have lots of fun
0:40:56 > 0:41:00# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow
0:41:00 > 0:41:04# My sweetheart said I was too bashful and slow
0:41:04 > 0:41:08# But she changed her mind when I let meself go
0:41:08 > 0:41:12# Down in the field where the buttercups all grow
0:41:16 > 0:41:21# The songsters were greeting the day newly born
0:41:21 > 0:41:25# The sheep in the meadow the cows in the corn
0:41:25 > 0:41:29# And when sheep and cows have been round there a bit
0:41:29 > 0:41:32# It's not a nice place for a lady to sit... #
0:41:32 > 0:41:34LAUGHTER
0:41:34 > 0:41:39# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow
0:41:39 > 0:41:42# A cow licking Mary's face tickled her so
0:41:42 > 0:41:45# She thought it was me and said
0:41:45 > 0:41:47# "Don't slobber, Joe"
0:41:47 > 0:41:51# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow
0:41:51 > 0:41:55- AUDIENCE:- # Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow
0:41:55 > 0:41:59# A ten-gallon barrel on top of the hill
0:41:59 > 0:42:03# Came crashing towards us My heart, it stood still
0:42:03 > 0:42:08# But Mary stood bravely Unflinching and true
0:42:08 > 0:42:13# Her legs were so bandy the barrel rolled through
0:42:13 > 0:42:18# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow
0:42:18 > 0:42:22# Our courtship was swift and our honeymoon slow
0:42:22 > 0:42:26# The bed was too small so we both had to go
0:42:26 > 0:42:29# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow. #
0:42:29 > 0:42:32Altogether!
0:42:32 > 0:42:37# Down in the fields where the buttercups all grow. #
0:42:57 > 0:43:00Ladies and gentlemen!
0:43:07 > 0:43:09And now, ladies and gentlemen, there's just time for me
0:43:09 > 0:43:12to ask Mr Ken Dodd to lead the company and ourselves
0:43:12 > 0:43:15in the last chorus for tonight, Down At The Old Bull And Bush.
0:43:15 > 0:43:18Mr Ken Dodd, the entire company, Mr Bernard Herrmann,
0:43:18 > 0:43:21and the entire and inexhaustible orchestra.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23APPLAUSE
0:43:23 > 0:43:27On this side, chiefly, yourself!
0:43:31 > 0:43:35- ALL:- # Come, come, come and make eyes at me
0:43:35 > 0:43:38# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:43:38 > 0:43:39# Da, da, da, da, da
0:43:39 > 0:43:43# Come, come, drink some port wine with me
0:43:43 > 0:43:47# Down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:43:47 > 0:43:51# Hear the little German Band Da, da, da, da, da
0:43:51 > 0:43:55# Just let me hold your hand, dear
0:43:55 > 0:44:02# Do, do come and have a drink or two down at the Old Bull and Bush
0:44:02 > 0:44:04# Bush, bush! #
0:44:04 > 0:44:05CHEERING AND APPLAUSE