0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Someone utters one of the most terrifying phrases -
0:00:07 > 0:00:09"I have such a good story" -
0:00:09 > 0:00:11and there's nothing you can do to stop them,
0:00:11 > 0:00:14which is why we came up with this.
0:00:14 > 0:00:17We call it the Big Red Chair.
0:00:17 > 0:00:21- But before I could get away, it just lifted up and went... - BLOWS RASPBERRY
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Basically I'd ruptured my whole testicle.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Then we decided to dress up as prostitutes.
0:00:25 > 0:00:28Somebody smacked me, I pooped everywhere.
0:00:28 > 0:00:30I'll vote for you if you show me your tits.
0:00:36 > 0:00:38Welcome to the Big Red Chair,
0:00:38 > 0:00:40as we celebrate the history
0:00:40 > 0:00:43of one TV's most famous pieces of soft furnishing.
0:00:43 > 0:00:45Your best story ever, off you go.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48We'll meet some of the 500 storytellers
0:00:48 > 0:00:49who have graced the chair.
0:00:49 > 0:00:51LAUGHTER
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Many not for very long.
0:00:53 > 0:00:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:00:54 > 0:00:56You'll get the chance to hear again
0:00:56 > 0:00:58stories you've never forgotten.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00So the first thing you need to know
0:01:00 > 0:01:03is that my girlfriend and I were butt naked in bed.
0:01:03 > 0:01:04And many you wish you could.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06Oh! Oh! Oh!
0:01:06 > 0:01:08And we'll reveal the secret
0:01:08 > 0:01:11of how to tell the perfect Red Chair story.
0:01:11 > 0:01:13That is the most beautiful story I've ever heard.
0:01:13 > 0:01:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:14 > 0:01:17The Red Chair all started back in 2009,
0:01:17 > 0:01:20when we had one of our all-time favourite guests on the show,
0:01:20 > 0:01:23the late Ronnie Corbett. Now, we wanted to pay tribute
0:01:23 > 0:01:25to Ronnie's classic monologues
0:01:25 > 0:01:28and came up with the idea of letting some of the studio audience
0:01:28 > 0:01:30tell a Corbett-style story.
0:01:30 > 0:01:32- Hello, Charmaine.- Hello!
0:01:32 > 0:01:34With a twist that if either of us got bored...
0:01:34 > 0:01:36- Is that it?- I think that's the end.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38..I could flip them into oblivion.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41SHE SCREAMS, APPLAUSE
0:01:41 > 0:01:43So began the Big Red Chair.
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Now, all we had to do
0:01:47 > 0:01:49was find people who could tell good stories...
0:01:49 > 0:01:51and we did.
0:01:51 > 0:01:53- Hello.- Hiya.- What's your name?
0:01:53 > 0:01:55My name's Aileen.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57- Aileen?- Yep.- And I'm guessing you're from Ireland?
0:01:57 > 0:01:58I am, I'm from Derry.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00Oh, you're from Derry, from the north of the country.
0:02:00 > 0:02:02OK. And do you live there or here?
0:02:02 > 0:02:04Study here, I live over there.
0:02:04 > 0:02:06Oh, right, what are...? What are you studying?
0:02:06 > 0:02:09Costume design. Costume interpretation.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11OK, there will be subtitles on Friday.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:14Right now, only I can understand it.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16Well, you can probably understand it, too.
0:02:16 > 0:02:21- Yeah.- I can't.- No. So far, you're not missing anything.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23- Hello.- Hello.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25- Hi, what's your name? - Tony.- Tony, lovely Tony.
0:02:27 > 0:02:29Nice to speak with you, Graham.
0:02:29 > 0:02:31It's good, Tony. What do you do?
0:02:31 > 0:02:33I work as a secondary school teacher, Graham.
0:02:33 > 0:02:35Oh, yes? Specific subject?
0:02:35 > 0:02:37No, I work with... Mainly now behaviour,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- with all the little rascals. - Oh, right.
0:02:39 > 0:02:40LAUGHTER
0:02:40 > 0:02:42OK, off you go.
0:02:42 > 0:02:46Right, so, late after Christmas, I was back home, um...
0:02:46 > 0:02:48Look at that face!
0:02:48 > 0:02:50Did you get any of it? Christmas.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53- Something about Christmas. - Yeah, Christmas.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55That's the only good detail so far.
0:02:55 > 0:02:57Just pick out words, you'll follow the story.
0:02:57 > 0:03:00Just say, "Blah, blah, blah, Christmas, blah, blah, blah, home."
0:03:00 > 0:03:02I'm going into the shop
0:03:02 > 0:03:05and I had to get milk and bread.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:11 > 0:03:13So I, literally, was really stressed,
0:03:13 > 0:03:17so I was like, "Run in, run out, get the groceries, let's go."
0:03:17 > 0:03:22Told my boyfriend do a lap and just pick me up, no need to park the car.
0:03:22 > 0:03:25So, as planned, I came out...
0:03:25 > 0:03:27You know, perfectly timing.
0:03:27 > 0:03:32Er, silver people carrier, just casually drifts by, casual speed.
0:03:32 > 0:03:34So, without hesitation, I sprint across,
0:03:34 > 0:03:36with my groceries...
0:03:36 > 0:03:39Jump in the back of the car,
0:03:39 > 0:03:42screaming and thumping the back of the chair,
0:03:42 > 0:03:44shouting, "Go, go, go, go!"
0:03:44 > 0:03:48But taking in mind it was Christmas and I had like a scarf up here
0:03:48 > 0:03:51- and a hat over here... - LAUGHTER
0:03:53 > 0:03:56..I thought, which was my boyfriend? Turned out to be this middle aged,
0:03:56 > 0:03:58like, 60-year-old woman.
0:03:59 > 0:04:01"Jesus!"
0:04:02 > 0:04:04And pushed her foot on the accelerator and, like,
0:04:04 > 0:04:06pushed me into a lamppost.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09APPLAUSE Oh! It's a good story.
0:04:09 > 0:04:10You walk, you walk.
0:04:10 > 0:04:12Go, go, go. Well done. Very good.
0:04:12 > 0:04:15We'd just gone back to school in January, I've had...
0:04:15 > 0:04:17Got my new suit, I always like to get a new suit for the New Year.
0:04:17 > 0:04:20- Of course.- And... Yeah, naturally. And what's happened is,
0:04:20 > 0:04:22I've gone into the canteen as normal,
0:04:22 > 0:04:26cos I always like to eat with the pupils and then go out on duty.
0:04:26 > 0:04:27So, I've gone down, it's me favourite -
0:04:27 > 0:04:29there's a little roast dinner.
0:04:29 > 0:04:32So I've gone into the queue, nice little bit of lamb, roast potatoes,
0:04:32 > 0:04:35greens, gravy and, er...
0:04:35 > 0:04:37I thought to myself, normally I don't get an afters, I thought,
0:04:37 > 0:04:41"I'll have a little afters, have a bit of apple pie and custard, lovely."
0:04:41 > 0:04:42So, I've got that, got me little tray,
0:04:42 > 0:04:45walk round where you go to get the forks and knives
0:04:45 > 0:04:48and as I've gone round, there must have been a bit of water.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50I didn't see the water. The old foot's gone,
0:04:50 > 0:04:52I thought, "Shit, I'm going over,"
0:04:52 > 0:04:55and it went in slow motion, I can still remember it,
0:04:55 > 0:04:58it was slow motion, and I've got the tray,
0:04:58 > 0:05:00I'm thinking, I've got to hold that tray.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04I've gone over, me back's hit the floor, the tray's gone over,
0:05:04 > 0:05:08I've got gravy, custard, apple pie and a little bit of lamb,
0:05:08 > 0:05:11and as I've looked up, through the gravy and the custard,
0:05:11 > 0:05:14I can see 100 teenagers going, "Sir's gone over!
0:05:14 > 0:05:16"Sir's gone over!"
0:05:16 > 0:05:19And that's me story, Graham.
0:05:19 > 0:05:22- Aw, he can walk.- Give me a little flip, Graham. Give me a flip.
0:05:22 > 0:05:24OK, here you go.
0:05:24 > 0:05:25- Way!- Well done, Tony.
0:05:25 > 0:05:29And from Monday morning, it's just like, "Sir, you're on telly,
0:05:29 > 0:05:32"you're a celebrity, you know Kevin Hart, he's your mate.
0:05:32 > 0:05:34"Ice Cube, he's your mate."
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I'm going, "Yeah he's me mate, he's me mate, yeah,
0:05:36 > 0:05:38"don't worry, we went out, had a drink."
0:05:38 > 0:05:40They're going, "Sir, you've got to get me on telly."
0:05:40 > 0:05:44I didn't expect, in any way, for as many people to really see it.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48I was, like, getting, like, people jumping out of their cars,
0:05:48 > 0:05:49to come over and get a photograph.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51And from there, it progresses
0:05:51 > 0:05:53where I'm on a corridor, I've got, like, kids,
0:05:53 > 0:05:55"Ah, Sir's gone over, Sir's gone over!"
0:05:55 > 0:05:58- ALL:- Sir's gone over! Sir's gone over!
0:05:58 > 0:06:00And that went on for weeks.
0:06:00 > 0:06:02I remember finding this weird section on Facebook
0:06:02 > 0:06:05that's like your other outbox where people that aren't your friend
0:06:05 > 0:06:07can message you.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10So many different people from all over the world.
0:06:10 > 0:06:13A lot of like positive, like, "You don't know me, but that was amazing,
0:06:13 > 0:06:15"you really made my night."
0:06:15 > 0:06:18I had a few, um, marriage proposals, but it was fun.
0:06:18 > 0:06:21A lot of it, it was all positive, it was all, like, light-hearted.
0:06:21 > 0:06:24The thought of making people laugh is really, really nice.
0:06:24 > 0:06:27Nice to speak with you, Graham.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30You've got ordinary people, you know, from all backgrounds,
0:06:30 > 0:06:31different countries,
0:06:31 > 0:06:35different areas of Britain go on there and tell a story.
0:06:35 > 0:06:37That's what people remember, they remember that Red Chair.
0:06:37 > 0:06:40It's Graham Norton and the Red Chair go together.
0:06:40 > 0:06:44I think the Red Chair is so iconic and it is a classic,
0:06:44 > 0:06:47like it's a classic of humour that will never get old and I think,
0:06:47 > 0:06:50with me, it was a bit up and down, cos I was...
0:06:50 > 0:06:54I did... They couldn't understand me and they could work out that I
0:06:54 > 0:06:55had a bit of, like, energy,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58but they didn't know how well the story is going to tell,
0:06:58 > 0:06:59and I think that was really nice.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Like, I really didn't think how much of an impact it would have.
0:07:02 > 0:07:05Go, go, go, go, go!
0:07:05 > 0:07:06CAR ENGINE SCREECHES
0:07:06 > 0:07:08What's the big deal? It's not even that scary.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10It was a moment of a lifetime.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13I just can't believe it, that all them people are looking at me, you know.
0:07:13 > 0:07:15Unbelievable, unbelievable.
0:07:15 > 0:07:20So far, we've had 500 stories told in the Red Chair and I think that
0:07:20 > 0:07:24qualifies as a fair, statistical sample to teach us about
0:07:24 > 0:07:26the audience for the show.
0:07:26 > 0:07:30Firstly, women are keener than men to tell their story.
0:07:30 > 0:07:33- Hiya.- Hello.- Hi.- 14% more, actually.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37And the geographical spread of our chair-fillers is truly amazing.
0:07:37 > 0:07:39Obviously, the locals dominate,
0:07:39 > 0:07:42but then come the Americans,
0:07:42 > 0:07:44and our favourites, the Kiwis.
0:07:44 > 0:07:49Then the Aussies, the Irish, the Northern Irish
0:07:49 > 0:07:51and the Scots.
0:07:53 > 0:07:55And the balance is made up by the South Africans,
0:07:55 > 0:07:56the French, the Welsh,
0:07:56 > 0:08:00the Mexicans, the Dutch, the Spanish, the Latvians, the Czechs,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03the Hungarians... Pretty much every developed country in the world,
0:08:03 > 0:08:08including those well-known yarn-spinners in Ecuador.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12The secret of telling a good story?
0:08:12 > 0:08:17Structure. And to have that, you need three things - a sold middle...
0:08:17 > 0:08:19My hand was paralysed for half a day and I had, er,
0:08:19 > 0:08:21no feeling in my arms for six months.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23LAUGHTER
0:08:23 > 0:08:27- A great opening...- I used to ride an Arab stallion in the desert.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29Hello! LAUGHTER
0:08:29 > 0:08:30And a brilliant ending.
0:08:30 > 0:08:33His tiny, little penis rubbing against my hand.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:08:37 > 0:08:39Though not necessarily in that order.
0:08:39 > 0:08:44This is not as easy as you think, which is what Mia discovered...
0:08:44 > 0:08:46- Hi.- ..when she took her turn in the Red Chair,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49and so began what is known world-wide now
0:08:49 > 0:08:51as The Mystery Of The Dog Basket Lady.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55So I was at a university reunion, in Baslow,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57which is up north somewhere in a big country house.
0:08:57 > 0:08:59We'd not seen each other in a while...
0:08:59 > 0:09:01Sorry.
0:09:01 > 0:09:04We were just having drinks, we went to the pub,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07got a bit lairy at the pub, no-pants dance, teddy bear rolls.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09Just standard on a night out.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11- We go back...- No-pants dance? - ..have some more drinks...
0:09:11 > 0:09:15And then me and my friend go to get some drinks in the utility room and
0:09:15 > 0:09:18it's winter, it's just the winter just gone, so it's really cold,
0:09:18 > 0:09:21and the door shuts and there's no handle on the other side of the door.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24So we're like, "Oh, this is the utility room, no drinks in here."
0:09:24 > 0:09:27Anyway, banging on the door, banging on the door, half an hour, an hour,
0:09:27 > 0:09:30an hour and a half. They've all gone to bed, assumed we'd get to bed.
0:09:30 > 0:09:32We realise that we're stuck in this utility room,
0:09:32 > 0:09:37it was about minus three degrees and there's a dog basket and some coats
0:09:37 > 0:09:40and we watched a bit of Bear Grylls, so I think, "We're just going to
0:09:40 > 0:09:43"have to get in the dog basket
0:09:43 > 0:09:46"with my friend's parents' coats all around us,
0:09:46 > 0:09:49"try to make us a bed," and realise that you have to sort of take your
0:09:49 > 0:09:53clothes off to stay really warm, cos it was really, really cold, Graham, it really was.
0:09:53 > 0:09:55- And then, um... - LAUGHTER
0:09:55 > 0:09:57..no-one's coming, we're banging on the door,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59we've got no phones, there's no toilet.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01I really, really need a wee at this point.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05There's just a bowl, so... With the dog basket!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07You know that, that happens. Then one thing leads to another
0:10:07 > 0:10:12in the dog basket, and he gets injured. Anyway...
0:10:12 > 0:10:17OK, there are so many bits of this story missing.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20So, you're having sex in a dog basket...
0:10:20 > 0:10:23No! I'm not, I'm not! I'm absolutely not!
0:10:23 > 0:10:25- We'd just.. - "One thing led to another."
0:10:25 > 0:10:27What else does that mean?!
0:10:27 > 0:10:28I just needed to make that innuendo.
0:10:28 > 0:10:32Anyway, he gets injured, there's a lot of blood everywhere, going on...
0:10:32 > 0:10:33From the dog, or...?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36There's no dog... Pull the lever, pull the lever, Graham, please.
0:10:36 > 0:10:38I'm going to pull the lever.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:10:40 > 0:10:45We have no idea what went on in that dog basket and since the story was
0:10:45 > 0:10:48broadcast we have been asked countless times for an explanation.
0:10:48 > 0:10:50'To put the nation's mind at rest,
0:10:50 > 0:10:54'we've tried to track down Mia to fill in the gaps.'
0:10:54 > 0:10:57We did get a message eventually.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59"I'm in the Himalayas."
0:10:59 > 0:11:01'I think the mystery of the dog basket lady
0:11:01 > 0:11:03'may go on for some time.'
0:11:03 > 0:11:05Pull the lever, pull the lever, Graham, please.
0:11:05 > 0:11:06I'm going to pull the lever!
0:11:08 > 0:11:12500 stories in, there are some Red Chair patterns emerging,
0:11:12 > 0:11:14and through them, we can get a glimpse of what the world
0:11:14 > 0:11:16really cares about.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19That would be at number two in the Top Story Subjects...
0:11:19 > 0:11:21How can I put this?
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Bodily fluids.
0:11:23 > 0:11:25I peed myself.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27LAUGHTER Oh!
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I basically pooper-scooped my own poo
0:11:29 > 0:11:30out of the toilet.
0:11:30 > 0:11:32I saw that I had not in fact
0:11:32 > 0:11:37sat on a soft toilet seat but I'd actually sat and weed on my friend's
0:11:37 > 0:11:41elderly nan, who was also answering a call to nature.
0:11:41 > 0:11:43Oh, it's a double decky!
0:11:43 > 0:11:45I was sat down, having a nice little wee,
0:11:45 > 0:11:48when it turned out I wasn't actually going for a wee,
0:11:48 > 0:11:52it was actually a poo. Um... And it got stuck, as I was going,
0:11:52 > 0:11:54in between the outside of my bum and my bowel
0:11:54 > 0:11:56and the outside of my bum cheek,
0:11:56 > 0:11:59so I had to de-wedge it with some tissue.
0:11:59 > 0:12:03And in my frenzy, as I brought it round, it flew across the toilet.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05There was immediately a massive shriek from next door
0:12:05 > 0:12:07and all I could do was run.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10That's quite a good story. That is quite a good story, yeah.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12I turned my head to look down the toilet,
0:12:12 > 0:12:15which was not in a particularly lovely state,
0:12:15 > 0:12:20to see a rat swimming in the toilet, staring up at me.
0:12:20 > 0:12:23I'm ashamed to say I was so desperate for the toilet
0:12:23 > 0:12:26- that I peed on the rat.- Yay! CHEERING
0:12:26 > 0:12:31OK, so I was out for a run with my friend Dunc and we're running past,
0:12:31 > 0:12:36running past a car and Dunc really needed to go for a poo.
0:12:36 > 0:12:37So we...
0:12:37 > 0:12:41We saw a toilet block, it was a men's and a woman's and...
0:12:41 > 0:12:43we ran over to the men's, and he was busting,
0:12:43 > 0:12:46he really needed to get this thing out of him,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48and the men's was closed,
0:12:48 > 0:12:50so at this stage he didn't even care,
0:12:50 > 0:12:53so he went over to the woman's toilets and that was closed as well.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56So he's frantically looking round, "Where can I go? Where can I go?"
0:12:56 > 0:12:58So he ran over to this
0:12:58 > 0:13:01bush and crouched down behind this bush and he went.
0:13:01 > 0:13:04And about 30 seconds later, I saw this big German Shepherd,
0:13:04 > 0:13:08came bounding over, and Dunc pulled his pants up,
0:13:08 > 0:13:11jogged off and then this...
0:13:11 > 0:13:14And then about 20 seconds later the owner of the German Shepherd
0:13:14 > 0:13:19came over and she was like, "Oh, Roy, you naughty boy"...
0:13:19 > 0:13:20LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:13:21 > 0:13:24..and picks up the poo, ties it to her belt,
0:13:24 > 0:13:28and then just wanders off with this poo dangling from her belt.
0:13:28 > 0:13:32You can walk! Well done. Very good story, very good story.
0:13:32 > 0:13:37And at number one, and how could there be any doubt about this?
0:13:37 > 0:13:39It's Sex & Nudity.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42So the first thing you need to know is that my girlfriend and I
0:13:42 > 0:13:44- were butt naked in bed.- Oh.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- And...- Good start to any story.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- Nice start.- Yeah, very good start, very good start.
0:13:48 > 0:13:50110 metre hurdles, I'm up next.
0:13:50 > 0:13:53So, go and do my warm up, you know, brace myself,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56bearing in mind the 110 metre guys are, like, warming up,
0:13:56 > 0:13:58the hottest guys you've ever seen.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01So, I was like, brace myself, look them dead in the eye and was like,
0:14:01 > 0:14:05"Let's do this". One, two, three, jump.
0:14:05 > 0:14:07One, two, three, jump.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10One, two, three, 3.5,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13hurdle, me, crash, bang.
0:14:13 > 0:14:17Basically I popped my cherry on a hurdle.
0:14:17 > 0:14:18I had a...
0:14:18 > 0:14:23And we were in a train carriage travelling through South Africa,
0:14:23 > 0:14:26all of a sudden the train started to slow down...
0:14:26 > 0:14:29- Mm-hm.- ..and that sent me careering through the partition door,
0:14:29 > 0:14:33and I landed straight on top of the woman that was in the other cabin.
0:14:33 > 0:14:35It's at that moment when her husband woke up
0:14:35 > 0:14:39- and realised I was sitting on his wife's face.- Ooh!
0:14:39 > 0:14:40Good story.
0:14:40 > 0:14:41When I first came to London,
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I was at a nightclub and I started dancing with this really cute guy
0:14:45 > 0:14:46and started making out with him.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49I went to a family reunion, it was actually my cousin,
0:14:49 > 0:14:50that I didn't know who it was.
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Ooh! Ooh, ooh!
0:14:53 > 0:14:57Having fallen asleep in the cinema, I thought, "Go to the loo,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59"get myself together, come back."
0:14:59 > 0:15:01Thought, "I'm losing this guy here."
0:15:01 > 0:15:05So I sat down and started having a little fumble in his lap
0:15:05 > 0:15:09and this, um, girl leaned forward and said, um, "Excuse me,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12"what are you doing with my boyfriend?"
0:15:12 > 0:15:13I'm feeling up the wrong guy!
0:15:13 > 0:15:15LAUGHTER
0:15:15 > 0:15:18So, I'm in bed with an ex-lover of mine,
0:15:18 > 0:15:22and we decided we'd engage in some grown-up activities.
0:15:22 > 0:15:24- Yes.- You know, dinner for two.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26LAUGHTER
0:15:26 > 0:15:28More than 68, but not quite 70.
0:15:30 > 0:15:33Because I'm so lazy by nature, I'm on the bottom...
0:15:33 > 0:15:38Um, so I can't breath through my mouth, obviously, cos it's full.
0:15:38 > 0:15:40LAUGHTER AND GASPING
0:15:40 > 0:15:42So, I've taken a very deep breath through my nose.
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- SHE INHALES DEEPLY - At which point his testicles
0:15:45 > 0:15:48form a tight seal...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50LAUGHTER
0:15:50 > 0:15:53..across my nostrils, so I can't breath at all!
0:15:53 > 0:15:56So, I'm wriggling around, panicking, he's thinking, obviously,
0:15:56 > 0:15:58"Oh, she's loving this."
0:15:58 > 0:16:00I'm going to do that, yeah.
0:16:00 > 0:16:02LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:16:02 > 0:16:04- What's your name, sir? - My name's Howie Poon.
0:16:04 > 0:16:06- Howie Poon?- Yes.
0:16:06 > 0:16:10- Er, what do you do, sir? - I'm a flight attendant.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13A flight attendant. OK, off you go with your story.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17OK, so I had to take my 70-year-old Chinese mum
0:16:17 > 0:16:21to her gynaecologist's check-up appointment and I had to...
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Can I just say, already my hopes for this story are so high...
0:16:25 > 0:16:27LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING
0:16:27 > 0:16:30..I can't tell you!
0:16:30 > 0:16:32So, basically, we get to the office,
0:16:32 > 0:16:36I tell her gynaecologist that I have to translate.
0:16:36 > 0:16:39The gynaecologist has a smirk on her face and says, "Well,
0:16:39 > 0:16:43"I'm going to have to ask you a couple of uncomfortable questions,
0:16:43 > 0:16:45"um, you know, to translate for your mum."
0:16:45 > 0:16:50So she's like, "I need to know if your mum is sexually active
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"and I need to know how active she is".
0:16:53 > 0:16:55LAUGHTER
0:16:55 > 0:16:57So, keep in mind she's 70 years old.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01So, I um translate in Chinese, I'm like...
0:17:01 > 0:17:03HE SPEAKS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE
0:17:03 > 0:17:06Basically that means, "Do you guys still have sex?"
0:17:06 > 0:17:10So my mum hits me in the shoulder, she's like, "You know your dad,
0:17:10 > 0:17:14"of course we do, five to six times a week."
0:17:14 > 0:17:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:17:17 > 0:17:18So...
0:17:18 > 0:17:20- Yeah.- Wow!
0:17:20 > 0:17:21That's amazing.
0:17:21 > 0:17:23APPLAUSE CONTINUES
0:17:25 > 0:17:28So, basically, like, I'm completely embarrassed,
0:17:28 > 0:17:31my mum's not even shy about it.
0:17:31 > 0:17:34I go from, like, basically
0:17:34 > 0:17:38embarrassed to depressed, cos Mum and Dad are getting more than I am.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40Aww!
0:17:40 > 0:17:42Can he walk? He should... You walk, yeah.
0:17:42 > 0:17:45My parents like to go walking all the time in their neighbourhood
0:17:45 > 0:17:49and a lot of their friends, who've seen the clip, they're like,
0:17:49 > 0:17:52"It's good to see you walking again Mrs Poon!"
0:17:52 > 0:17:54HE LAUGHS
0:17:54 > 0:17:55Walk, walk.
0:17:56 > 0:17:58When she first found out,
0:17:58 > 0:18:04she thought I was crazy for telling this story.
0:18:04 > 0:18:05She was, she was like,
0:18:05 > 0:18:10"Why didn't you tell a story of how we struggled coming to America?"
0:18:10 > 0:18:12And I was like, um...
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"It's a funny show, no-one wants to hear your struggles," you know.
0:18:16 > 0:18:19My dad actually was actually pretty proud, he's like,
0:18:19 > 0:18:23"How do I find this on YouTube so I can show my friends?"
0:18:23 > 0:18:28So what would Mr and Mrs Poon say is the secret to a happy marriage?
0:18:28 > 0:18:30I think I might know the answer to this.
0:18:35 > 0:18:37THEY LAUGH
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Well, yeah, I didn't get to finish the story.
0:18:40 > 0:18:44So, basically, after that translation, my mum, like,
0:18:44 > 0:18:46hits me on the shoulder and she's like,
0:18:46 > 0:18:48"Oh, and since your dad just got a pacemaker,
0:18:48 > 0:18:52"could you ask the doctor if it's OK if we have sex?"
0:18:52 > 0:18:55And the doctor translates to me and says,
0:18:55 > 0:18:58"It's perfectly healthy for your dad to have a healthy sex life,
0:18:58 > 0:19:00"just make sure he doesn't exert too much."
0:19:00 > 0:19:05Maybe have your mum do the work and have her get on top sometimes."
0:19:05 > 0:19:06And in my head, I'm just like,
0:19:06 > 0:19:09"There is no way I'm going to translate that."
0:19:09 > 0:19:12So in Chinese I basically go...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14Told my mum, "Just have Dad take it easy."
0:19:14 > 0:19:16HE LAUGHS
0:19:16 > 0:19:19Now, I don't always have the patience to hear everybody's story.
0:19:19 > 0:19:21If you don't grab my attention straightaway,
0:19:21 > 0:19:23then prepare for whiplash.
0:19:23 > 0:19:25This is it, the big time awaits.
0:19:25 > 0:19:27If I ever want to have my hair cut,
0:19:27 > 0:19:29I have to travel 150 miles, cos I...
0:19:29 > 0:19:31LAUGHTER
0:19:31 > 0:19:32- Hi.- Hi.
0:19:32 > 0:19:34Hi, Graham.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36Hi.
0:19:36 > 0:19:38- What's your name?- Lettuce.
0:19:39 > 0:19:41- What do you do, Jeremy? - I'm a student.
0:19:41 > 0:19:43I'm a storyteller.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46I'm a real estate sustainability consultant.
0:19:46 > 0:19:48APPLAUSE
0:19:48 > 0:19:51So, I'm in France, on holiday with my sister.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54It's meaner to let them start telling the story.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57- Hello, Mr Graham Norton and guests. - Hello.
0:19:57 > 0:19:59HE MUTTERS
0:19:59 > 0:20:02I didn't have time to put my underwear on.
0:20:02 > 0:20:03SHE SCREAMS
0:20:05 > 0:20:08He dressed to match a chair!
0:20:08 > 0:20:10My story is about my pixies.
0:20:10 > 0:20:12SHE SCREAMS
0:20:12 > 0:20:15- Have you got a bag?- I do have a bag, yeah, it's a laundry bag.
0:20:15 > 0:20:16LAUGHTER
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Who's up next?
0:20:18 > 0:20:19Ooh!
0:20:19 > 0:20:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:20:21 > 0:20:25I just didn't have the emotional energy to cope with that.
0:20:25 > 0:20:26I apologise!
0:20:26 > 0:20:29Come back and see us later in the series!
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Not everybody gets to feel the wrath of the flip.
0:20:31 > 0:20:33Catch me on a good night with a solid story
0:20:33 > 0:20:35and I'll happily let you walk.
0:20:35 > 0:20:37Shall we let her walk? Yeah, walk. Go on, walk.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39It felt so good to walk.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41You can walk! Well done, very good...
0:20:41 > 0:20:44At the end of it, when I was just like, "Yes!"
0:20:44 > 0:20:46I was so happy.
0:20:46 > 0:20:49I was just... It just felt like I'd accomplished something.
0:20:49 > 0:20:51When I was 13 years of age, I was playing golf
0:20:51 > 0:20:53and I got struck by lightning.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55Three friends watched me get hit by lightning.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57I was really happy when I wasn't flipped
0:20:57 > 0:20:59and was able to walk off happily.
0:20:59 > 0:21:00You can walk, you can walk.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02Yeah, I think it was a bit of an ego boost.
0:21:02 > 0:21:05- Hello, what's your name? - Hey, I'm Aran.
0:21:05 > 0:21:08LAUGHTER
0:21:09 > 0:21:11- Arn?- Aran.- Arn.
0:21:11 > 0:21:13A-R-A-N, Aran.
0:21:13 > 0:21:15Aran, he's Aran.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17- Like the jumper. - Yes, exactly the same, yes.
0:21:17 > 0:21:18Like the jumper. Off you go with your story.
0:21:18 > 0:21:21OK, so when I was 14, went on holiday to Tenerife with my parents,
0:21:21 > 0:21:24had a great holiday, came home on the Sunday night,
0:21:24 > 0:21:26to start school on the Monday.
0:21:26 > 0:21:29On Sunday night, went for a shower, slapped on some after sun,
0:21:29 > 0:21:33didn't really think much about it, till the next morning, woke up,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36looked in the mirror, was covered in orange blotches.
0:21:36 > 0:21:41Turned out I had used my mum's fake tan by accident,
0:21:41 > 0:21:43instead of the after sun.
0:21:43 > 0:21:46Went in, says to my mum, "No way, not going to school."
0:21:46 > 0:21:50And she basically said, "No, you're definitely going,"
0:21:50 > 0:21:53got sent to school, got taken there and basically was ridiculed all day
0:21:53 > 0:21:56and got given the nickname Aran Brew!
0:21:56 > 0:21:57LAUGHTER
0:21:57 > 0:21:59That saved it, that saved it.
0:21:59 > 0:22:01You can walk, Aran Brew. Very good!
0:22:01 > 0:22:04Everyone says, "I can't believe you got to walk, if anything,
0:22:04 > 0:22:06"you know, instead of getting flipped".
0:22:06 > 0:22:09But then part of me secretly also wouldn't have minded being flipped.
0:22:09 > 0:22:11- Hiya.- Hi, what's your name?
0:22:11 > 0:22:14My name's Kealy Peachy, I'm 25 and I'm from Hackney.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16Yay! WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE
0:22:16 > 0:22:18She's working the crowd, she's on fire.
0:22:18 > 0:22:20- We love Hackney.- I love Hackney.
0:22:20 > 0:22:23- OK, and what do you do in Hackney? What do you do in Hackney? - I work for a balloting company.
0:22:23 > 0:22:26- A balloting company. - So, we administer elections.
0:22:26 > 0:22:29Oh, wow! Oh, so you're busy... once in a while.
0:22:29 > 0:22:30LAUGHTER
0:22:32 > 0:22:35Not at the moment, but OK. Off you go with your story.
0:22:35 > 0:22:39OK, so I was 16 and I'd finally inherited an heirloom
0:22:39 > 0:22:42that I'd wanted my entire life - it was a gun and not like...
0:22:42 > 0:22:44LAUGHTER
0:22:44 > 0:22:47The most you could do to hurt someone was hit it over the head.
0:22:47 > 0:22:51Wait, wait, can I just say, yeah, she's got a gun, she's 16.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54- She's 16.- Yeah.- And she's got a gun. This story may not go well.
0:22:54 > 0:22:57It's perfectly normal in your country. It's perfectly normal.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59And... So, basically, the day I got it,
0:22:59 > 0:23:02I was just elated, and for some reason - please don't ask me why -
0:23:02 > 0:23:06but I put my finger in the barrel and it got stuck.
0:23:06 > 0:23:08So, this is the infamous gun.
0:23:08 > 0:23:12As you can see, it's practically a stick and this is the barrel
0:23:12 > 0:23:16where I decided to put my finger, because I'm an idiot.
0:23:16 > 0:23:19So, in the end, I thought, "OK, I've got to go to A&E and get this thing off."
0:23:19 > 0:23:23- I got in a cab with a jumper over... - LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH
0:23:23 > 0:23:26..put the gun in, in my jumper, as you do!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29And I went to A&E and I thought, "OK what's the best way to do this?"
0:23:29 > 0:23:32Cos there was genuinely sick people in A&E.
0:23:32 > 0:23:34I went to the desk and I said to the lady...
0:23:34 > 0:23:36I was like, whispered, "I'm really sorry,
0:23:36 > 0:23:40"I don't mean to alarm you but I've got a gun stuck to my finger."
0:23:40 > 0:23:41LAUGHTER
0:23:41 > 0:23:44And she just flew back in her chair and screamed, "You've a gun?!"
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I was like, "No, no, no."
0:23:46 > 0:23:48The longer I was going on, I was like,
0:23:48 > 0:23:50"OK, they're liking the story." I didn't think I'd walk
0:23:50 > 0:23:53because you just don't know whether he's going to flip you for the sake of it.
0:23:53 > 0:23:55You can walk! You can walk!
0:23:55 > 0:23:58And the best bit, Lenny Kravitz gave me a standing ovation -
0:23:58 > 0:24:00which is a claim to fame there.
0:24:00 > 0:24:01Well done, that lady.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04And just sometimes, you can get a second chance.
0:24:04 > 0:24:06My name's Adam Shaw, Graham.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08OK. And what do you do, Adam?
0:24:08 > 0:24:10- I'm an actor. - And where are you from?
0:24:10 > 0:24:12- I'm from Pudsey.- Pudsey?
0:24:12 > 0:24:13Yeah...
0:24:13 > 0:24:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:15 > 0:24:19Whoa! That's cold, man!
0:24:20 > 0:24:23- Here, wait...- Ah!
0:24:23 > 0:24:26That guy looks... That guy actually looks familiar to me.
0:24:26 > 0:24:29- You know him?- Is he allowed to be back in the chair again?
0:24:29 > 0:24:32Yeah, yeah, yeah. What Tom Hanks wants, Tom Hanks gets.
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Oh, there he is, Adam.
0:24:34 > 0:24:39OK, Joseph took again you, but Tom thought you looked familiar.
0:24:39 > 0:24:40I am hopefully, yeah.
0:24:40 > 0:24:45I owe Tom quite a lot, because my very first acting job
0:24:45 > 0:24:47was Saving Private Ryan.
0:24:47 > 0:24:50Oh, that's right! You were... We were in the Higgins boats together!
0:24:50 > 0:24:53That's right, yeah, and I lied about being able to swim, I lied about being American.
0:24:53 > 0:24:56- I'm actually from up... - LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:58Tom, do you remember the AD showed me the action?
0:24:58 > 0:25:00- He put me in the water with you. - Yeah. Yes, yes...
0:25:00 > 0:25:04And I turned to you and I said, "I've no idea what I'm doing!"
0:25:04 > 0:25:05LAUGHTER
0:25:07 > 0:25:09Is the end of this story that Tom Hanks saved your life?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11He did, he saved... He really did save my life,
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- literally saved my life. - Did he really?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- Yeah, he did.- It was pretty deep water as I recall.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- LAUGHTER - You know... Yes.
0:25:19 > 0:25:20- Can he walk?- Huh?
0:25:20 > 0:25:22Can he walk, or the flip? Walk? Flip?
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- Well..- Oh, he's walking.
0:25:25 > 0:25:29He's such a nice, genuine, graceful man
0:25:29 > 0:25:30that it was...
0:25:30 > 0:25:33It was just like meeting an old friend, really.
0:25:33 > 0:25:36When it was all done, I said, "Just out of drama school, huh?
0:25:36 > 0:25:37"Welcome to the big time, kid!"
0:25:37 > 0:25:39LAUGHTER
0:25:39 > 0:25:41Good to see him again.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45One topic that regularly pops up in the Red Chair is animals.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I mean, we're a nation of animal lovers, aren't we?
0:25:48 > 0:25:52I was on a safari in Kenya, and we get to the giraffe bit,
0:25:52 > 0:25:55where we see all the giraffes, and we have food,
0:25:55 > 0:25:59and we come across a giraffe that decides to start going crazy.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03My dad punched it in the head, but the driver's going crazy,
0:26:03 > 0:26:05and he gets one of the tranquiliser gun things,
0:26:05 > 0:26:08and just before he was about to shoot it,
0:26:08 > 0:26:11he sort of lifted off, and then he sort of drove the car and spun off
0:26:11 > 0:26:13and it was like a police car in a safari.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15- Yeah, so we were all right. - LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:19When I was seven years old, I went on holiday, with my mother,
0:26:19 > 0:26:22to Egypt, and during my time there,
0:26:22 > 0:26:24I saw a donkey that was fully erect.
0:26:28 > 0:26:32That was your best story. "I saw a donkey with an erection."
0:26:32 > 0:26:34..sort of watching rodeos on TV and unfortunately,
0:26:34 > 0:26:37we didn't have any horses to practise on,
0:26:37 > 0:26:39so I used to use our sheep on the farm.
0:26:39 > 0:26:41And one day...
0:26:41 > 0:26:43My granny wasn't very best pleased with this and, one day,
0:26:43 > 0:26:46when I was like... I used to have a favourite sheep, called Sally,
0:26:46 > 0:26:48and I was going at it good on Sally,
0:26:48 > 0:26:50and Granny was just standing by the septic tank,
0:26:50 > 0:26:53which is about six foot deep, and she was, like, telling me off,
0:26:53 > 0:26:56and the sheep charged at her, bucked me off,
0:26:56 > 0:26:59and both collided and both of them landed in the six-foot-deep crap.
0:26:59 > 0:27:02Ugh! That's a horrible story.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05This monkey took a liking to me and it started groping me
0:27:05 > 0:27:07and grabbing my chest, and then I felt this sort of wetness
0:27:07 > 0:27:09next to my ear. I turned my head and I saw
0:27:09 > 0:27:12this great, big, red penis,
0:27:12 > 0:27:13and he's put it in my ear.
0:27:13 > 0:27:14SHE SCREAMS
0:27:14 > 0:27:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:17 > 0:27:20- Wow.- So you're the girl with the monkey dick!
0:27:21 > 0:27:25I was always told to avoid the wild horses in the desert,
0:27:25 > 0:27:28but on this occasion, I didn't notice them coming up,
0:27:28 > 0:27:30so as they approached,
0:27:30 > 0:27:32one of the mares whinnied to my stallion,
0:27:32 > 0:27:35and my stallion whinnied back.
0:27:35 > 0:27:38He then pricked up his ears - in fact, he pricked up everything.
0:27:38 > 0:27:39LAUGHTER
0:27:39 > 0:27:41So she seemed very willing,
0:27:41 > 0:27:44so he decided to have his wicked way with her.
0:27:44 > 0:27:46- With you on top?! - With me on top.
0:27:46 > 0:27:48You're working in a call centre...
0:27:48 > 0:27:51Yeah, and a customer calls, he's hysterically crying
0:27:51 > 0:27:54and I was like, "Oh, my goodness, sir, are you OK?
0:27:54 > 0:27:56"What's wrong?" He was telling me that he's...
0:27:56 > 0:28:00People came out to fix his internet and they left some live wires
0:28:00 > 0:28:04in his garden. He told me that his dog chewed on the wire...
0:28:04 > 0:28:06AUDIENCE GASPS
0:28:06 > 0:28:08..kind of electrocuted itself.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11"Oh, my goodness, sir, what was the dog's name?"
0:28:11 > 0:28:12He was like, "Sparky."
0:28:12 > 0:28:15No! No...
0:28:15 > 0:28:18Let him live, let him live.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- I'm Jon.- Hello, Jon. Hi.
0:28:21 > 0:28:22And where do you live, John?
0:28:22 > 0:28:25- Staines.- Staines. John from Staines.
0:28:25 > 0:28:27OK. And what do you do, John?
0:28:27 > 0:28:28I'm an electronics engineer.
0:28:28 > 0:28:31- OK! This is it, ladies and gentlemen. DAVID:- Come on!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34I don't think we've ever had an electronics engineer
0:28:34 > 0:28:38on the show before. So we've high hopes for you, John.
0:28:38 > 0:28:40Off you go with your story.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43OK, this happened in 1980 when I was at school in Devizes, which...
0:28:43 > 0:28:46Excellent, it's a period piece, Harvey.
0:28:46 > 0:28:49The budget will be higher, but there's a lot...
0:28:49 > 0:28:51People are very... They like that, they like that.
0:28:51 > 0:28:53- Go on.- OK, I was at school in Devizes,
0:28:53 > 0:28:55which is a small town near Swindon.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58- Yes.- And in the dinner queue, in the distance, on the school field,
0:28:58 > 0:29:00I saw what looked like a Great Dane bounding towards us,
0:29:00 > 0:29:02and everyone laughed because somebody's dog
0:29:02 > 0:29:04had obviously followed them to school.
0:29:04 > 0:29:06But it came on at phenomenal speed,
0:29:06 > 0:29:07came up the steps where I was standing,
0:29:07 > 0:29:09brushed past my leg and smashed straight through
0:29:09 > 0:29:11the plate-glass window behind me,
0:29:11 > 0:29:14and when we looked through the hole in the door, it was a lion, Graham!
0:29:14 > 0:29:17Jon! Jon! Come on, Harvey!
0:29:17 > 0:29:20- This is a good story.- Africa.
0:29:20 > 0:29:22No, seriously. No, he's in Devizes.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24- We could do it in Africa. - He's in Deviz...
0:29:24 > 0:29:25It's better cos he's in England.
0:29:25 > 0:29:28- Right, OK.- You don't expect... In Africa, it's a lion, who cares?
0:29:28 > 0:29:32In Devizes, it's a fucking lion!
0:29:32 > 0:29:34LAUGHTER What's it doing there?!
0:29:34 > 0:29:36- Jon, what happened?- So I thought,
0:29:36 > 0:29:38"This is my chance to go running in to the headmaster
0:29:38 > 0:29:40- "and actually get away with swearing."- Yes.
0:29:40 > 0:29:41So I ran into the dinner hall.
0:29:41 > 0:29:43That's your first thought!
0:29:43 > 0:29:46I ran into the dinner hall and shouted,
0:29:46 > 0:29:49"There's a flipping lion in the classroom!", and he said,
0:29:49 > 0:29:51"Jon, go and stand outside my office,"
0:29:51 > 0:29:52but the whole of the rest of the school
0:29:52 > 0:29:55came running in at that moment and so it backed up my story.
0:29:55 > 0:29:56And so he went and had a look,
0:29:56 > 0:29:58and of course there it was chewing the table legs
0:29:58 > 0:30:00and the corners of the desks and stuff.
0:30:00 > 0:30:02- JESSIE:- Where did it come from? - Good question.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05That's why... That's why we're gripped to our seats.
0:30:05 > 0:30:07Where did the lion come from? Well, no, wait a minute.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09What...? So, did it kill anyone?
0:30:09 > 0:30:11- No, they were... - Did it maim anyone?
0:30:11 > 0:30:13- No.- Was it really a lion or have you lied?
0:30:13 > 0:30:15It was actually a lion.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17Was it a dog with a balaclava on?
0:30:17 > 0:30:18LAUGHTER
0:30:18 > 0:30:20And police marksmen were at the school the whole afternoon
0:30:20 > 0:30:22while we hid in the library,
0:30:22 > 0:30:25and they rounded up these two lions that got into the school.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27- Two? DAVID:- What?!- And what had happened was that
0:30:27 > 0:30:29the travelling circus had arrived in town
0:30:29 > 0:30:33- while we were at morning lessons. - Is this just an Enid Blyton story...
0:30:33 > 0:30:36you're recycling for the purpose of our show?
0:30:36 > 0:30:38The brilliant thing about this story is that...
0:30:38 > 0:30:42For today, is that the lions turned out to be called Girlie and Jessie.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Aww.
0:30:44 > 0:30:47- UNCONVINCING:- Aww. - LAUGHTER
0:30:48 > 0:30:50I think we have to let John walk.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53- Yeah.- He was attacked by a lion!
0:30:53 > 0:30:55It was great, because I'm a big Dr Who fan,
0:30:55 > 0:30:59so to tell my story in front of David Tennant was fantastic.
0:30:59 > 0:31:01You can walk. Walk.
0:31:01 > 0:31:04The only concern I had that maybe people would think I'd made it up,
0:31:04 > 0:31:06that's the amazing thing about it -
0:31:06 > 0:31:08you know, it really happened.
0:31:08 > 0:31:11Is this just an Enid Blyton story you're...
0:31:11 > 0:31:13you're recycling for the purpose of our show?
0:31:13 > 0:31:16I was in geography, I think, and the head mistress came in and said,
0:31:16 > 0:31:17"Did anyone see the lions?
0:31:17 > 0:31:19"Because there's a reporter from the Sunday Times
0:31:19 > 0:31:21"who wants to speak to somebody,"
0:31:21 > 0:31:23so I put my hand up straightaway
0:31:23 > 0:31:25and went and talked to the reporter.
0:31:25 > 0:31:29And it was after that that I got grabbed by the local TV news
0:31:29 > 0:31:31as well, which was, you know, miles more exciting.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33Well, I was standing there by the door,
0:31:33 > 0:31:35and I saw this shape come across the grass,
0:31:35 > 0:31:38it looked like a Great Dane at first, and it just sort of
0:31:38 > 0:31:40bounded up the steps, didn't stop or anything,
0:31:40 > 0:31:42went straight through the glass,
0:31:42 > 0:31:44and I looked in there and I realised it was a lion.
0:31:44 > 0:31:47And I just ran straight in through there and told the teachers.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50My parents didn't believe me when I got home from school and said,
0:31:50 > 0:31:52"Oh, you know, there's been a lion in the school
0:31:52 > 0:31:55"and I've got on telly." They just said,
0:31:55 > 0:31:57"Oh, don't be so silly", you know.
0:31:57 > 0:32:00My little sister said that I'd gone viral on the internet
0:32:00 > 0:32:04and I think there's a Devizes blog called Spotted in Devizes,
0:32:04 > 0:32:06and it was all over that.
0:32:06 > 0:32:09It was a case of just telling everybody that would listen,
0:32:09 > 0:32:11and I'm still doing it today!
0:32:11 > 0:32:14One nation that has embraced the Red Chair
0:32:14 > 0:32:16like no other is New Zealand.
0:32:16 > 0:32:17- You're from?- New Zealand.
0:32:17 > 0:32:19- Where are you from? - I'm from New Zealand.
0:32:19 > 0:32:20I am from New Zealand.
0:32:20 > 0:32:21Are you from New Zealand?
0:32:21 > 0:32:24- Yes.- We love... We love New Zealand!
0:32:24 > 0:32:26New Zealand must be empty.
0:32:26 > 0:32:29You must go to New Zealand and just, the airport is deserted,
0:32:29 > 0:32:32they're all queueing for the Red Chair.
0:32:32 > 0:32:34The only problem is, they often seem to be telling their tale
0:32:34 > 0:32:37in a language that's not quite English.
0:32:37 > 0:32:39- And what's your name, sir? - My name's Brad.
0:32:39 > 0:32:42- Bread?!- Brad.- Brad.
0:32:42 > 0:32:46We wanted to find out what drives the Kiwi attraction
0:32:46 > 0:32:48to the Red Chair, so we went to the top.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50I mean, the very top.
0:32:50 > 0:32:53The Graham Norton Show exports incredibly well to New Zealand.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57It's got a really strong following across multi-generations.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00It's invariably a highlight of the New Zealand viewing week.
0:33:00 > 0:33:02- I'm from New Zealand. - GASPING: Oh, we have a...
0:33:02 > 0:33:03No, no, wait, wait, wait.
0:33:03 > 0:33:06New Zealand stories are often very good and, even if not,
0:33:06 > 0:33:07accent - hilarious.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12I think New Zealanders don't take themselves too seriously,
0:33:12 > 0:33:14and they also love a little bit of limelight, I think.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16- What's your name? - I'm Rafferty Fox.
0:33:19 > 0:33:22So your mother and father decided to name you Rafferty?
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Yeah, it's Dad's favourite pub.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31The chance to show your mum and dad that you are still alive
0:33:31 > 0:33:32and in one piece in the UK,
0:33:32 > 0:33:35it's much easier to do that through a Graham Norton segment
0:33:35 > 0:33:38on the Red Chair than it is to phone or Skype home.
0:33:38 > 0:33:40- Who are you?- Simon.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43- This is Simon.- For me, when I think of the Red Chair, I think of Simon.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45To me, that was a really memorable New Zealand moment.
0:33:45 > 0:33:48- Off you go.- OK, when I was ten, my parents
0:33:48 > 0:33:50- took me to a small farm in... - LAUGHTER
0:33:50 > 0:33:53Don't laugh at how I say "ten".
0:33:53 > 0:33:56I think we take the poking of fun at our accent in really good humour
0:33:56 > 0:33:58as long as you don't confuse us for Australians.
0:33:58 > 0:34:01Anyway, we were going to a small farmers' sale,
0:34:01 > 0:34:02we took the ute there, and so...
0:34:02 > 0:34:06I can't understand a word you are saying!
0:34:09 > 0:34:11- OK.- Dad was looking for some animals and things
0:34:11 > 0:34:13to take home to our farm,
0:34:13 > 0:34:16and so, anyway, him and Mum spotted this new dining room table.
0:34:16 > 0:34:18And I was just wandering round
0:34:18 > 0:34:21in my Jandals and, you know, just checking out the stuff.
0:34:21 > 0:34:24Mum and Dad spotted this table and chairs that they thought,
0:34:24 > 0:34:26"That's going to be perfect in the dining room."
0:34:26 > 0:34:27HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:34:27 > 0:34:29We put it on the back of the ute and we're going home.
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Us boys are sitting up...
0:34:31 > 0:34:33Me and my two brothers were sitting up in the back of the ute,
0:34:33 > 0:34:35in the chairs, in the dining room table chairs.
0:34:35 > 0:34:38Dad thinks it will be a good idea, "Oh, I know what we'll do,
0:34:38 > 0:34:40"you boys want some ice cream out the back?"
0:34:40 > 0:34:42You know. So we're like, "Yeah, absolutely."
0:34:42 > 0:34:43The next thing you know,
0:34:43 > 0:34:46we're all sitting there, licking our ice creams, sitting on the back.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49Dad decides, seeing a bit of Formula 1,
0:34:49 > 0:34:51he'd like to take the corner probably a bit quicker
0:34:51 > 0:34:54than he should have. Me on my chair...
0:34:54 > 0:34:56Bang! Fall down on the road.
0:34:56 > 0:34:57Like that!
0:35:00 > 0:35:02I hope there will be many more New Zealanders
0:35:02 > 0:35:05in the Red Chair, and my message to them would be...
0:35:05 > 0:35:08you're part of the New Zealand community...
0:35:08 > 0:35:09MUSIC: God Defend New Zealand
0:35:09 > 0:35:11..that's taking over global entertainment,
0:35:11 > 0:35:13one chair story at a time.
0:35:13 > 0:35:16So, remember, you're a representative of our great country.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18Do your best.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21What we really like on the Red Chair is the truly unexpected,
0:35:21 > 0:35:24and sometimes that can take a little bit of preparation.
0:35:24 > 0:35:27Can any of you explain this tweet that was sent to the show?
0:35:29 > 0:35:32HE READS ALOUD
0:35:32 > 0:35:34This is Thomas. So, which of you knows Thomas?
0:35:34 > 0:35:36You? What's your name?
0:35:36 > 0:35:37I'm Jessica.
0:35:37 > 0:35:41Jessica. And why is Thomas upset with us?
0:35:41 > 0:35:45Thomas is upset because I've postponed a date for the second time
0:35:45 > 0:35:49so that I could come and be here and meet Kylie.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51I'm getting the blame for everything tonight!
0:35:51 > 0:35:53Is he your boyfriend?
0:35:53 > 0:35:56No, no... I... We have not been on a date yet because I keep...
0:35:56 > 0:35:58So you put him off...?
0:35:58 > 0:36:00Why did you put him off with the first time?
0:36:00 > 0:36:02My sister, and this time, Kylie.
0:36:02 > 0:36:06OK, you know that book Not That Into You?
0:36:06 > 0:36:11- Are you into...? Are you into him?- I don't know.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14- You don't know?- Well, clearly not that into him, she's...
0:36:14 > 0:36:15She's fobbed him off twice.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18Let's make this week's visit to the Red Chair just before we go.
0:36:18 > 0:36:20Hello, who's there? Hello, sir.
0:36:20 > 0:36:23- Hello.- What's your name?- Thomas. - OK, and where are you from?
0:36:23 > 0:36:25- I'm from Durham.- Durham.
0:36:25 > 0:36:27- All right, but do you live here now? - Yes.- OK, very good.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29Off you go with your story, Thomas.
0:36:29 > 0:36:33So, I asked a girl out a couple of weeks ago, and she said yes,
0:36:33 > 0:36:34which was great because she is quite hot,
0:36:34 > 0:36:36- and I really enjoyed... - KYLIE GASPS
0:36:39 > 0:36:40But she cancelled on me once
0:36:40 > 0:36:43and then we rescheduled for tonight, and she cancelled on me again...
0:36:43 > 0:36:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:45 > 0:36:48..so she could come here and watch Kylie Minogue.
0:36:48 > 0:36:50So, as I had no plans tonight, I thought I'd come down
0:36:50 > 0:36:53and see if she wanted to rearrange for next week.
0:36:53 > 0:36:55Wow, can I just say, Thomas,
0:36:55 > 0:36:59you're very keen, because she has given you
0:36:59 > 0:37:01no indication that she is!
0:37:03 > 0:37:05Oh, dear. Well, I guess he didn't...
0:37:05 > 0:37:07Look, the good thing is he didn't make other plans.
0:37:07 > 0:37:09- That's good.- Yeah.- OK, so...
0:37:09 > 0:37:10So this is your decision now.
0:37:10 > 0:37:15This is you, this is you sending a message to him.
0:37:15 > 0:37:17So, Jessica, are we going to flip Thomas
0:37:17 > 0:37:19or are we going to let Thomas walk?
0:37:19 > 0:37:21This is... Oh, OK.
0:37:24 > 0:37:25- MAN:- Please get Kylie to...
0:37:25 > 0:37:28- Kylie, please will you lever him off the Red Chair?- Oh, no!
0:37:30 > 0:37:32Oh! Oh!
0:37:32 > 0:37:35No! Oh, that's the worst ever!
0:37:35 > 0:37:37Oh, let's just end it, let's just end it!
0:37:37 > 0:37:43Oh! Oh! Oh, my God.
0:37:43 > 0:37:48Brutal. Well, literally dumped.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54They never even went on a date and he got dumped!
0:37:54 > 0:37:56- Oh!- He's going to be having nightmares the rest of his life.
0:37:56 > 0:38:00- Oh, he's really in shock. - ..you levered him off.- Oh!
0:38:00 > 0:38:03I was quite disappointed Kylie didn't step up and say,
0:38:03 > 0:38:05"Well, if you aren't going to take him out, I will!"
0:38:05 > 0:38:07Jessica, what were you thinking?
0:38:07 > 0:38:10Both me and Jessica got quite a lot of criticism afterwards.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13There was quite a lot aimed at her for being so brutal,
0:38:13 > 0:38:16which I didn't see in the first place.
0:38:16 > 0:38:18And there was a lot aimed at me for being...
0:38:18 > 0:38:21How dare I go on national TV and put her in that kind of situation?
0:38:21 > 0:38:23We'd arranged the date for the Thursday,
0:38:23 > 0:38:24which was obviously the night of filming.
0:38:24 > 0:38:26When she called me on Tuesday I was like,
0:38:26 > 0:38:28"Oh, there's a reason, she's called,
0:38:28 > 0:38:30"there's only one reason to call and that's to cancel."
0:38:30 > 0:38:33So, she explained why, why she was missing it.
0:38:33 > 0:38:34So I put a Facebook status on saying,
0:38:34 > 0:38:37"This is the weirdest excuse not to go on a date with me ever."
0:38:37 > 0:38:38At the end of my status I put,
0:38:38 > 0:38:40"I should tell this story in the Red Chair."
0:38:40 > 0:38:43And then obviously all my friends were like, "Oh, my God, Thomas,
0:38:43 > 0:38:45"you totally should go and tell this story in the Red Chair."
0:38:45 > 0:38:47So I screenshotted the status and tweeted
0:38:47 > 0:38:49The Graham Norton Show, and from there it was,
0:38:49 > 0:38:51"Would you be up for coming on the show?"
0:38:51 > 0:38:53Cos they didn't want Jess to know I was there at any point,
0:38:53 > 0:38:56I watched the whole of the recording from the green room,
0:38:56 > 0:38:59so I got to watch it with a Peroni and a handfull of crisps.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01I was like, "This is really cool."
0:39:01 > 0:39:04- Please will you lever him off the Red Chair?- Oh, no!
0:39:04 > 0:39:07If you Google "guy gets rejected"
0:39:07 > 0:39:09I'm the number one hit on Google
0:39:09 > 0:39:12and especially YouTube, because the YouTube clip's had over
0:39:12 > 0:39:17three and a half million hits. Erm, which is a nice claim to fame!
0:39:17 > 0:39:19It's not a nice claim to fame, but there you go,
0:39:19 > 0:39:20that IS my claim to fame.
0:39:20 > 0:39:24I'm still single now, so my 15 minutes of fame is
0:39:24 > 0:39:29for being dumped on TV and being a...hopeless singleton
0:39:29 > 0:39:31it would seem, so...yeah.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33'When you're telling a story,
0:39:33 > 0:39:35'remember it's not just me you need to keep interested -
0:39:35 > 0:39:37'it's also the celebrity guests,
0:39:37 > 0:39:40'and if they're not entertained, they can be ruthless.'
0:39:40 > 0:39:42- Let's have some stories. - This is my favourite thing ever.
0:39:42 > 0:39:44Oh, is this...? Do you want to operate it?
0:39:44 > 0:39:45- Yes.- OK.- Does this move?
0:39:45 > 0:39:48Yeah, of course it does. Oh, look at him, he's on it.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51- Righty-ho, then. - You look like you mean business.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53I don't know how many people are out there,
0:39:53 > 0:39:55but I imagine we're going to run out.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Why don't you do that and see what happens?
0:39:57 > 0:39:58- Right now?- See what happens.
0:39:58 > 0:40:00Oh!
0:40:00 > 0:40:02- And what do you do in North London? - Shall we see if this works?
0:40:02 > 0:40:05- I'm a student.- What do you study? - Journalism and PR.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07LAUGHTER
0:40:07 > 0:40:10A couple of years ago, when I was living in Germany,
0:40:10 > 0:40:12being there with the...
0:40:12 > 0:40:14That was amazing!
0:40:14 > 0:40:17Russell, Last year, I went to a music festival down in Newquay.
0:40:17 > 0:40:20- He's a New Zealander, is he? - New Zealander, yeah.
0:40:20 > 0:40:22LAUGHTER
0:40:24 > 0:40:27This is a few years ago, in my heyday...
0:40:27 > 0:40:28Whoa!
0:40:28 > 0:40:31Oh, the world is so beautiful.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34- Hello.- Hi, there, you all right?
0:40:34 > 0:40:35Not impressed.
0:40:35 > 0:40:37We went for dinner and then, afterwards,
0:40:37 > 0:40:38we went to the bar and I was really full...
0:40:38 > 0:40:40You're going for a ride, baby.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44Holy shit, I've got to get one of these at home.
0:40:44 > 0:40:46Do you want a go? Do you want a go in the chair?
0:40:46 > 0:40:47OK, go, Hugh, go.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49- Who's up next?- Hi!
0:40:49 > 0:40:51- Hi.- Hi, I'm Hugh, I'm from West Sussex.
0:40:51 > 0:40:55- Hi, Hugh.- Hi, I'd just like to say that I think Matt Damon...
0:40:55 > 0:40:57- Boom.- Hurray!
0:40:57 > 0:41:00This is the best time I've ever had on a talk show.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Oh, bless you.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05Emilia, you are gorgeous, by the way. If it don't work out with Joey,
0:41:05 > 0:41:07- give me a bell.- Thank you so much.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12Oh, you look so nervous, don't be. Well, Russell... He's looking benign.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14- Don't be nervous, love.- Oh, no.
0:41:15 > 0:41:17- Is that a moustache?- A beard.
0:41:19 > 0:41:20Fantastic.
0:41:20 > 0:41:24This is my way to say how much you mean to me, and after reading this,
0:41:24 > 0:41:26you'll know just how I feel.
0:41:28 > 0:41:32I was driving home from the library, and I'm at the lights...
0:41:32 > 0:41:34Goodbye!
0:41:35 > 0:41:36HE GRUNTS
0:41:36 > 0:41:39I was too bad, I couldn't wear it again...
0:41:39 > 0:41:40Whoa!
0:41:40 > 0:41:42I'm a huge fan of Dawn French,
0:41:42 > 0:41:45and I asked if I could have her autograph.
0:41:45 > 0:41:49- Oh, get rid of her. - And she said..."Get lost."
0:41:49 > 0:41:53No, I didn't! Lies, lies!
0:41:55 > 0:41:58- Who's up next?- Hello.- Oh, my God.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03Oh, my God!
0:42:06 > 0:42:09This is a story all about how my life got flipped...
0:42:09 > 0:42:10Don't you dare.
0:42:10 > 0:42:11LAUGHTER
0:42:13 > 0:42:17- Go on, baby.- ..chilling out, maxing, relaxing, all cool,
0:42:17 > 0:42:19and shooting some b-ball outside of the school.
0:42:19 > 0:42:20Yes, yes!
0:42:20 > 0:42:22When a couple of guys, they were up to no good...
0:42:22 > 0:42:24This is a bit of a boo-hoo.
0:42:24 > 0:42:26..started making trouble in my neighbourhood...
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Yes, what happened, baby?
0:42:28 > 0:42:30..I got in one little fight and my mum got scared...
0:42:30 > 0:42:32What she say?!
0:42:32 > 0:42:34You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.
0:42:34 > 0:42:36- Yes! Yes!- Well done, young lady!
0:42:36 > 0:42:38We got some food off a stall cos we were cheap
0:42:38 > 0:42:40and trying to be cultural.
0:42:40 > 0:42:42Oh, shut the fuck up.
0:42:42 > 0:42:44LAUGHTER
0:42:47 > 0:42:49So, there you have it, the Big Red Chair.
0:42:49 > 0:42:52Its winners and losers and all the horror and laughter
0:42:52 > 0:42:54it's brought us over the years.
0:42:54 > 0:42:56Now, I hope you've been paying attention
0:42:56 > 0:42:59to the best way to tell a story because, you never know,
0:42:59 > 0:43:01one night you may find yourself on this
0:43:01 > 0:43:06oversized, comfy chair and hear me asking you to tell your story.
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Will it be pain or glory?
0:43:08 > 0:43:10Will it ever get to that punchline?
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Was there ever a punchline?
0:43:12 > 0:43:13I, of course, will never be in that situation,
0:43:13 > 0:43:15but it doesn't feel that bad here.
0:43:15 > 0:43:17I mean, what's the worst that could happen?
0:43:17 > 0:43:19SOUND OF CHAIR BUCKING
0:43:21 > 0:43:22Oh, that.