0:00:02 > 0:00:04APPLAUSE
0:00:07 > 0:00:12This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.
0:00:15 > 0:00:19Hello. Now, I've been doing this talk show thing for quite a while -
0:00:19 > 0:00:21nearly 20 years, at the last count.
0:00:21 > 0:00:22Unbelievable!
0:00:22 > 0:00:25I think it's high time I pay tribute to those wonderful people
0:00:25 > 0:00:28without whom my show would not be possible - the guests.
0:00:28 > 0:00:31I mean, who wants 45 minutes of just me talking?
0:00:31 > 0:00:32Even I'd be bored by that.
0:00:32 > 0:00:34Let's get some guests on, ladies and gentlemen!
0:00:34 > 0:00:38I'm very grateful they find time in their busy schedules to join me,
0:00:38 > 0:00:41and there's only one thing I ever ask of them - to be good.
0:00:41 > 0:00:42And how do they do that?
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Well, I've taken the liberty of putting together
0:00:45 > 0:00:48my very own Good Guest Guide to make it all crystal clear.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51It's a week late for the lucrative Christmas market, but never mind.
0:00:51 > 0:00:54Some of my favourite guests have already taken note.
0:00:54 > 0:00:58I talk dirty and I think that's why they ask me.
0:00:58 > 0:01:00My remit when I come on the Graham Norton show?
0:01:00 > 0:01:03Be entertaining, but then shut up when someone more important
0:01:03 > 0:01:05and famous has to speak.
0:01:05 > 0:01:09This starts filming about 7pm, which is great.
0:01:09 > 0:01:13That's in my drinking zone, so it's lovely that it coincides
0:01:13 > 0:01:15with work, fun and drinking.
0:01:15 > 0:01:17I love Graham, and I love being on him.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20LAUGHTER
0:01:21 > 0:01:23Talk shows are not complicated.
0:01:23 > 0:01:25Trust me, I'm an expert.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27So, my guidebook is sized accordingly.
0:01:27 > 0:01:29More of a guide-pamphlet, if you will.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32Anyway, there are just a few rules to remember.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36Get there on time, be famous, and tell a story. A really good story.
0:01:36 > 0:01:42What is the story about you meeting an American man in Cambridge?
0:01:42 > 0:01:45- When I was a student?- Yes.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48That was before I was a lesbian. I was just, erm...
0:01:48 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:52I was sorting myself out.
0:01:52 > 0:01:55People say that I have no filter.
0:01:56 > 0:01:59Erm, I don't really know...
0:02:00 > 0:02:02..quite what that means.
0:02:02 > 0:02:05I know that I just say what comes into my head.
0:02:05 > 0:02:07And sometimes it's very offensive,
0:02:07 > 0:02:11and people are very shocked and disgusted.
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And sometimes, when they tell me what I've said,
0:02:14 > 0:02:16I'm shocked and disgusted, too.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18I was on my bike...
0:02:18 > 0:02:20..because we cycled.
0:02:21 > 0:02:23Over the cobbles, I would imagine.
0:02:23 > 0:02:25LAUGHTER
0:02:25 > 0:02:27Dyke on a bike. And, erm...
0:02:27 > 0:02:29- LAUGHTER - I didn't want to say it.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34And we stopped at the traffic lights.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38And I turned... I looked to the left or the right, whatever it was,
0:02:38 > 0:02:43and there was a car, an open car, with an American soldier inside,
0:02:43 > 0:02:46and something crazy took hold of me then.
0:02:46 > 0:02:48You know that feeling?
0:02:48 > 0:02:50I've got it right now.
0:02:50 > 0:02:52LAUGHTER
0:02:52 > 0:02:57And I said, "Would you like to follow me to my college
0:02:57 > 0:02:59"and I'll suck you off?"
0:02:59 > 0:03:02LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:11 > 0:03:14Dear Stanley, I think he was a bit shocked -
0:03:14 > 0:03:18and, you know, Americans are a bit mealy-mouthed.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20And I use that word...
0:03:21 > 0:03:22..deliberately.
0:03:24 > 0:03:28- Stanley, you knew you recognised her from somewhere.- Exactly!
0:03:28 > 0:03:29LAUGHTER
0:03:32 > 0:03:33- Finish that story.- Well...
0:03:34 > 0:03:38- We can't get any better. - I think we know what happens next.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41The really interesting thing was...
0:03:41 > 0:03:43LAUGHTER
0:03:43 > 0:03:46He, afterwards... and I should explain,
0:03:46 > 0:03:48I thought I was being a good girl,
0:03:48 > 0:03:52because a bad girl would have had intercourse.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55With a random stranger from the street.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58For sure, for sure.
0:03:58 > 0:04:00I still think it was the right thing to do.
0:04:01 > 0:04:04I'm sure he felt the same way!
0:04:05 > 0:04:08Anyway, after it was all over, he said,
0:04:08 > 0:04:12"Could I come back next week? Because I've got some friends here."
0:04:12 > 0:04:14LAUGHTER
0:04:14 > 0:04:17I'd like to be on one of your shows that will actually air.
0:04:17 > 0:04:19LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:20 > 0:04:23I love anecdotes. Not just telling them, but hearing them.
0:04:23 > 0:04:26I think things that have really happened in someone's life
0:04:26 > 0:04:30is always fascinating, because not only is it funny, hopefully,
0:04:30 > 0:04:32but there's an insight there.
0:04:32 > 0:04:36I think if you can bring that to the table and reduce it to a...
0:04:36 > 0:04:41you know, a story, I think that is better than jokes, in a way.
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I do tell stories, but I don't like being...
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I like to tell them spontaneously, I suppose.
0:04:47 > 0:04:50- Julie Walters.- What?! - Did you meet your...?
0:04:50 > 0:04:52For god's sake!
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Leave me alone!
0:04:54 > 0:04:56LAUGHTER
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- What do you want to know?- You met your husband in a club, didn't you?
0:05:00 > 0:05:01Mind your own business!
0:05:01 > 0:05:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:05:06 > 0:05:08- Cheers.- Cheers.
0:05:09 > 0:05:11The whole concept of a chat show falling apart.
0:05:11 > 0:05:14"Why are you asking me all these questions?!"
0:05:14 > 0:05:18'I think it's nice that people are given a drink.'
0:05:18 > 0:05:20I think it helps give a party atmosphere.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23Of course I'm always holding the glass when he comes to ask me.
0:05:23 > 0:05:26Other people are really clever, the glass is on the table,
0:05:26 > 0:05:29they wait until the camera's off and then they glug down.
0:05:29 > 0:05:31They don't look like they're touching it at all.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Stupid old me, sitting there, right in front of everybody.
0:05:34 > 0:05:36I must look like an alcoholic on the show.
0:05:36 > 0:05:38But that does make it jolly.
0:05:38 > 0:05:41- Did you go clubbing a lot? - Clubbing?!
0:05:41 > 0:05:43Yes, I did in Birmingham.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45- Yes.- Yeah. What's that got to do with anything now?
0:05:45 > 0:05:48- Isn't that where you met your husband?- No, I met him in a bar.
0:05:48 > 0:05:50- Oh, a bar.- In, Fulham, yes.
0:05:50 > 0:05:53- In Fulham?- It was full of frightfully posh people.
0:05:53 > 0:05:57What we used to call Hooray Henrys. Everybody was frightfully posh.
0:05:57 > 0:06:00I remember saying, I was a bit drunk...
0:06:00 > 0:06:02"I bet nobody here is a member of the Labour Party,"
0:06:02 > 0:06:05and he said, "I am, actually," and that was it.
0:06:05 > 0:06:07We met, then he came home and never moved out.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10- LAUGHTER - He mended my washing machine.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14Told me I needed a pump. I misunderstood him.
0:06:14 > 0:06:16LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:06:18 > 0:06:20I'm happy to give you all of this advice,
0:06:20 > 0:06:23but maybe we should hear from the most experienced
0:06:23 > 0:06:25Graham Norton Show guest expert.
0:06:25 > 0:06:28That will be the man who has the record number of appearances
0:06:28 > 0:06:30on this show, Mr Ricky "Ten Times" Gervais.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34You know, I think I get invited back because I like to interact.
0:06:34 > 0:06:38Chat show hosts like comedians on, because they can relax a little bit.
0:06:39 > 0:06:41CHEERING
0:06:42 > 0:06:46They know that a comedian is going to show off.
0:06:46 > 0:06:49I remember something you said once when we were promoting this film,
0:06:49 > 0:06:51"We decided not to dick about
0:06:51 > 0:06:53"so people took us serious as directors."
0:06:53 > 0:06:55LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:03So I've been on ten times, so I've probably spoken for about two hours,
0:07:03 > 0:07:07and he got paid for that two hours where I was talking.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09I'm doing all the work and he's getting paid.
0:07:09 > 0:07:11He's having a laugh.
0:07:11 > 0:07:13We should split this.
0:07:14 > 0:07:16This should be Ricky & Graham.
0:07:16 > 0:07:18Inside, he's like me.
0:07:18 > 0:07:23He's a comedian who wants to sit at home in his pants, drinking...
0:07:23 > 0:07:26..and he does, every other night of the week.
0:07:26 > 0:07:28I was doing all the work with Tinie Tempah.
0:07:28 > 0:07:32Graham goes into his own world, thinking about his next drink.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Tinie Tempah goes off about...
0:07:34 > 0:07:36..having stuffed animals in his house.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38Graham just sits back.
0:07:38 > 0:07:41And I have a giraffe, as well.
0:07:41 > 0:07:43But not, like, a real one.
0:07:43 > 0:07:45- It was real before.- Yeah.
0:07:47 > 0:07:48A dead one.
0:07:48 > 0:07:52- One... Yeah.- A dead one. - Yeah, that died of like...
0:07:52 > 0:07:54..natural...like, the flu and stuff.
0:07:54 > 0:07:56LAUGHTER
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- A sore throat.- A sore throat with a giraffe is serious.
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- Yeah.- It could be fatal. - It's really bad.
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- You've got high ceilings, then, in your house.- Very.
0:08:07 > 0:08:09Or he's always drinking.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12I need one that died drinking.
0:08:14 > 0:08:17I'm in a council house. I need one...
0:08:17 > 0:08:20Have you got a giraffe that died in its sleep?
0:08:21 > 0:08:24They never do that with animals, do they?
0:08:24 > 0:08:26They never have taxidermy with animals like that.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29They always have a bear like that...
0:08:29 > 0:08:31It doesn't...
0:08:32 > 0:08:35That's what they will do with me. I want a taxidermy...
0:08:35 > 0:08:37You can have me.
0:08:37 > 0:08:39It's just me like that.
0:08:39 > 0:08:41LAUGHTER
0:08:41 > 0:08:42On your sofa.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I think all those reasons are maybe why, erm...
0:08:46 > 0:08:48..they've invited me back so many times.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52That, and because I live locally and I'm punctual. I'm always early.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54They can't believe it if you turn up.
0:08:54 > 0:08:57They send my car three hours early because they assume celebrities
0:08:57 > 0:08:59are always drunk in a ditch.
0:08:59 > 0:09:02Whereas I get there early. You know what I mean?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04So, I think...
0:09:04 > 0:09:07The most boring advice ever.
0:09:07 > 0:09:09To be on time!
0:09:09 > 0:09:11How do you be an international comedian?
0:09:11 > 0:09:13"Well, get lots of sleep."
0:09:14 > 0:09:16"Be punctual."
0:09:17 > 0:09:18Fucking hell.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21Growing up in my family, everyone was winding everyone up.
0:09:21 > 0:09:24I was the youngest of four, and I remember once...
0:09:24 > 0:09:27..when my sister, she must have been about...
0:09:27 > 0:09:31..I don't know, 25 or something, I was, like, eight,
0:09:31 > 0:09:35and they used to take me out into the woods and I would be foraging.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38I used to love insects, I knew about space and everything,
0:09:38 > 0:09:43and I found a perfect little discarded, erm, snakeskin.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I picked it up and my sister was scared of it.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47I suddenly thought, I've got her.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50I was teasing her. She was going, "Put it down, it's got germs."
0:09:50 > 0:09:52I was running round chasing her.
0:09:52 > 0:09:55And she went, "You're not coming in the car with that."
0:09:55 > 0:09:58And then when I was about 15, I was at home with a few of my mates,
0:09:58 > 0:10:00I decided to wind her up.
0:10:00 > 0:10:02I started teasing her about how she was scared of snakes,
0:10:02 > 0:10:06I chased her with a snakeskin. And she chose that time to tell me
0:10:06 > 0:10:09that I'd actually been running round with a used condom.
0:10:09 > 0:10:11LAUGHTER
0:10:15 > 0:10:18On the show, we like to welcome all the guests on to the sofa
0:10:18 > 0:10:21at the same time, so we need to make sure everyone will get along
0:10:21 > 0:10:23with all their sofa mates.
0:10:23 > 0:10:28This is my next Good Guest Guide rule. Be a good neighbour.
0:10:28 > 0:10:31I am on the same sofa as Michael Buble.
0:10:31 > 0:10:32This...!
0:10:32 > 0:10:35Michael, he's not making this up.
0:10:35 > 0:10:37I am so excited to be here with you this evening.
0:10:37 > 0:10:41I maybe went in a little hard when I was on with Buble.
0:10:41 > 0:10:43I could have been slightly cooler.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46I'm at the stage in my life, all my friends,
0:10:46 > 0:10:49they're going out and having all-night raves and partying
0:10:49 > 0:10:52and getting drunk. I am so over that.
0:10:52 > 0:10:58My ideal night these days, go home, run a bath, light some candles,
0:10:58 > 0:11:00open a bottle of Shiraz,
0:11:00 > 0:11:02put on a little bit of this gentleman's music here
0:11:02 > 0:11:05and have what I like to refer to as a Buble bath.
0:11:05 > 0:11:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:07 > 0:11:09It's the dream.
0:11:09 > 0:11:11It was a wonderful moment
0:11:11 > 0:11:14and it was one that I will cherish for the rest of my life.
0:11:15 > 0:11:18We also swapped numbers and he has never called me.
0:11:18 > 0:11:21- Is it Graham?- That'll do.
0:11:21 > 0:11:24- Greg.- Greg! I'm so sorry.
0:11:24 > 0:11:28- Graham's fine.- Greg, could you just stand up a minute, would you mind?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30And can I stand next to you?
0:11:30 > 0:11:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:40 > 0:11:42We were all standing in order of height backstage -
0:11:42 > 0:11:45you should have a look at this. If Will comes and stands here.
0:11:45 > 0:11:47I think this is a great visual.
0:11:47 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:55 > 0:11:57Perfectly put together, this couch.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- Oh! AUDIENCE:- Ooooh!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06- David Beckham...- You've gone off. - ..you have met your match!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15I just wanted to meet you, mate.
0:12:15 > 0:12:17LAUGHTER
0:12:22 > 0:12:24CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:27 > 0:12:31I was in between Michael Fassbender and 50 Pence.
0:12:31 > 0:12:32It was fabulous.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- Where were you shot? Where? - In front of my grandmother's house.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38- Where on your body? - LAUGHTER
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Gorgeous, gorgeous, both of them, actually.
0:12:43 > 0:12:47- Is it still in your tongue?- Yeah. It's great for oral sex.- Is it?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49LAUGHTER
0:12:50 > 0:12:52Good to know.
0:12:52 > 0:12:55Yes, went into his mouth, do you remember?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57Only happens on this programme, honestly.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Yeah, I can feel it.
0:13:02 > 0:13:04LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:10Another rule to remember if you want to be a top guest,
0:13:10 > 0:13:12always make a good impression.
0:13:12 > 0:13:16Actually, even better than that, always do a good impression.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19- MIMICS GRAHAM:- I'm enjoying this. Introduce Bonnie Tyler.
0:13:19 > 0:13:22- Right, it's time for music now. - CHUCKLES
0:13:22 > 0:13:24APPLAUSE
0:13:24 > 0:13:27- MIMICS GRAHAM:- So, welcome back, welcome back.
0:13:29 > 0:13:34So, you... So, you, you've never been on the show.
0:13:36 > 0:13:40Is it in episode one you talk about Mick Jagger?
0:13:40 > 0:13:43This is about a Christmas and a bit ago,
0:13:43 > 0:13:46I was at a party in a house and he was there.
0:13:46 > 0:13:47I heard...
0:13:47 > 0:13:49- MIMICS MICK JAGGER:- "Rob! Rob!"
0:13:49 > 0:13:53And I looked around, "What? What?" and he was on the landing,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56and he went, "Don't throw those bloody spears at me."
0:13:58 > 0:14:02And I... I looked up, "What?"
0:14:02 > 0:14:06- "What?- AS MICK:- "Don't throw those bloody spears at me, aaah!"
0:14:09 > 0:14:10I had no idea.
0:14:10 > 0:14:13I was thinking, what is going on?
0:14:13 > 0:14:14Is he having a stroke?
0:14:14 > 0:14:17He's in the age range, you know.
0:14:18 > 0:14:23And then I realised, he's doing Michael Caine in Zulu.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26He's doing me from The Trip doing...
0:14:26 > 0:14:28So I went...
0:14:28 > 0:14:32- MIMICS MICHAEL CAINE:- "I've told you before, if you're not going to sing,
0:14:32 > 0:14:35"I don't want to bloody know. Now get back in the other room."
0:14:35 > 0:14:37- AS MICK:- "Aaah!"
0:14:37 > 0:14:39APPLAUSE
0:14:40 > 0:14:43You have now learned how to do the voices from TOWIE?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46Yeah. Sort of, yeah. Well, I...
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- How is that possible? - We love that garbage TV back in...
0:14:51 > 0:14:52..in the States.
0:14:52 > 0:14:54So, it's like...
0:14:54 > 0:14:56- ESSEX ACCENT:- "So, honestly, I saw this guy..."
0:14:56 > 0:14:58LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:15:02 > 0:15:06"Honestly, did, like, Michael cheat on me when he was in Ibiza?
0:15:07 > 0:15:10"Because he was telling me, like, you know,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12"like, I miss you, or whatever,
0:15:12 > 0:15:16"and I'm like, miss me? What am I, your mother?"
0:15:16 > 0:15:17That's so good!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19APPLAUSE
0:15:21 > 0:15:23LAUGHTER
0:15:23 > 0:15:26- MIMICS ROBERT DE NIRO:- What if you do got me boxed in...
0:15:27 > 0:15:29..and I got to put you down?
0:15:29 > 0:15:31We've been face-to-face.
0:15:31 > 0:15:33Yeah.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35But I will not hesitate.
0:15:36 > 0:15:37Not for a second.
0:15:37 > 0:15:39That's my...
0:15:39 > 0:15:40APPLAUSE
0:15:41 > 0:15:44When we're on the red carpet, going into the ceremony,
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- I met Maggie Smith.- MIMICS MAGGIE: - "Hello, what are you here for?"
0:15:48 > 0:15:50I said, "Well, Lord of the Rings."
0:15:50 > 0:15:52She said, "What's that around your neck?"
0:15:52 > 0:15:54I said, "It's my pounamu, Maggie."
0:15:54 > 0:15:56"Oh, your pounamu. What's that for?"
0:15:56 > 0:15:59I said, "Well, if I wear it, it'll bring me luck.
0:15:59 > 0:16:01"Oh, very nice."
0:16:02 > 0:16:05And at the end, of course, everyone else wins the Oscar apart from you.
0:16:05 > 0:16:08A bit dejected, you're coming out looking forward to a drink
0:16:08 > 0:16:10and you bump into Maggie Smith.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12She points at you and says, "Didn't work, did it?"
0:16:12 > 0:16:15LAUGHTER
0:16:15 > 0:16:18We're on the Graham Norton show and I have some friends here.
0:16:18 > 0:16:19Oh, no.
0:16:19 > 0:16:21I'll be back.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Hasta la vista, baby.
0:16:24 > 0:16:26There is no bathroom!
0:16:28 > 0:16:31Who's your daddy now and what does he do?
0:16:31 > 0:16:33I'm old, not obsolete.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Hasta la vista, baby.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I'll be back!
0:16:38 > 0:16:40Very good. Thank you very much.
0:16:40 > 0:16:43You did the voice-overs for some of the trailers.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- Yeah, I did.- The voice-over guy. - Yeah, exactly. I love that stuff.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49I do it at home all the time, drives my wife nuts.
0:16:49 > 0:16:50It's that voice...
0:16:50 > 0:16:53"In a world, divided by fear,
0:16:53 > 0:16:56"one man must stand alone."
0:16:56 > 0:17:02"Will Smith, Ryan Reynolds, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Toby Jones,
0:17:02 > 0:17:04"in...
0:17:04 > 0:17:06"Graham Norton's Pants, rated R."
0:17:06 > 0:17:08APPLAUSE
0:17:08 > 0:17:10That's my ring tone.
0:17:10 > 0:17:12When Benedict became famous,
0:17:12 > 0:17:17one of the first things that happened was, this is so random,
0:17:17 > 0:17:20that his fans decided that he looked very like an otter.
0:17:20 > 0:17:22Are you aware of this?
0:17:23 > 0:17:25- I'm sorry? - LAUGHTER
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- Just matching pictures of otters. - Yeah. Return the favour, yes.
0:17:29 > 0:17:31And then it'll go really viral and it'll be great.
0:17:32 > 0:17:37This first one, I'm afraid, it's the dark side of the otter kingdom.
0:17:38 > 0:17:41It's a bit fisty. It's like, "Why I ought to!"
0:17:41 > 0:17:42Other way.
0:17:45 > 0:17:47APPLAUSE
0:17:47 > 0:17:48These are good.
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Now, they start to get more challenging.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53They start to get more challenging.
0:17:53 > 0:17:54- AUDIENCE:- Aww!
0:17:55 > 0:17:57- If you lean in, I'll lean in. - Yeah, exactly.
0:17:57 > 0:18:00- OK, I'll lean in.- Oh, it's me? - You're in the middle.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02It's the face on the otter.
0:18:03 > 0:18:05APPLAUSE
0:18:06 > 0:18:07Adorable!
0:18:08 > 0:18:10Now...
0:18:11 > 0:18:15So, we thought...that's right, but then...then...
0:18:15 > 0:18:18..we found this picture, we found this picture of an otter.
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Look at this. Look at this.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22Let's look closer at the face...
0:18:22 > 0:18:25You've never seen a happier creature on planet Earth.
0:18:25 > 0:18:28Look how happy this otter is with his new teddy bear.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31The teddy bear doesn't look very happy.
0:18:31 > 0:18:33The teddy bear looks depressed.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35"I've been given to a mammal?!"
0:18:36 > 0:18:39I sent out the command, I picked up my phone and went,
0:18:39 > 0:18:41"We'll need a big teddy bear."
0:18:41 > 0:18:45- Now, however, the word "big" is quite relative.- Yeah.
0:18:45 > 0:18:49- They've gone with a really enormous teddy bear.- Really?
0:18:49 > 0:18:51It's just over there.
0:18:51 > 0:18:53LAUGHTER
0:18:54 > 0:18:56Wow.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59LAUGHTER
0:18:59 > 0:19:01Wow. This is... This is...
0:19:03 > 0:19:06This is just... Don't be frightened. It's all right.
0:19:06 > 0:19:08- Ready?- Isn't that amazing?
0:19:09 > 0:19:11LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:12 > 0:19:14That is genius.
0:19:14 > 0:19:17One of the many advantages stars have over the rest of us
0:19:17 > 0:19:19is that they know lots of other stars
0:19:19 > 0:19:22and that helps them with my next helpful hint
0:19:22 > 0:19:24for a dazzling talk show appearance.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27Always follow this rule, there is no name too big,
0:19:27 > 0:19:30too awkward or too heavy to drop on a show.
0:19:30 > 0:19:33I had stationery made up with his name,
0:19:33 > 0:19:37and then I would send letters to other actors from Brad Pitt.
0:19:38 > 0:19:40That is so good.
0:19:40 > 0:19:43I sent Meryl Streep a letter from Brad
0:19:43 > 0:19:46where I got a big thing of CDs that had...
0:19:46 > 0:19:48It was a dialect coach,
0:19:48 > 0:19:51and...and he had every dialect.
0:19:51 > 0:19:55Gaelic, Yiddish... every dialect in this huge thing -
0:19:55 > 0:19:58and I sent it to her with a note from Brad that said,
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"I hear you're going to be doing The Iron Lady soon.
0:20:01 > 0:20:05"This guy helped me with my dialect in Troy", or something.
0:20:05 > 0:20:08You know, "I thought maybe this would help."
0:20:08 > 0:20:11I sent it to Meryl - and, you know, she's very confused by it.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13LAUGHTER
0:20:13 > 0:20:17I've sent letters to lots and lots of people from Brad.
0:20:17 > 0:20:18LAUGHTER
0:20:18 > 0:20:21Jack and I met on a magical night out
0:20:21 > 0:20:25when I humiliated myself more than I ever had before.
0:20:25 > 0:20:28It was probably the best moment of my life.
0:20:28 > 0:20:29LAUGHTER
0:20:29 > 0:20:31Clearly the worst of Jen's.
0:20:31 > 0:20:34For the first time ever in my career,
0:20:34 > 0:20:38I never assume anyone knows who I am.
0:20:38 > 0:20:42And I saw Harrison Ford and, like, JJ Abrams
0:20:42 > 0:20:45and I was, like, yeah, this is fun!
0:20:45 > 0:20:48We're all co-workers, like, I can just go, so...
0:20:48 > 0:20:50I was, like, "Be right back, guys,
0:20:50 > 0:20:53"I'm going to go say hi to the Star Wars dudes,"
0:20:53 > 0:20:55and I approached their table and was, like...
0:20:57 > 0:21:00..and they all, the whole table was just, like...
0:21:01 > 0:21:05..and so, I realised while I was dancing, they have no idea who I am.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07They've no idea who I am.
0:21:07 > 0:21:09So I just turned around and walked back.
0:21:09 > 0:21:11And Jack...Jack was dying.
0:21:11 > 0:21:14I'd done this show with Harrison Ford,
0:21:14 > 0:21:18so he's, like, the only A-list Hollywood star that I know.
0:21:18 > 0:21:20He's the only one that I have.
0:21:20 > 0:21:23So she'd just been blanked and I was, like, "Hey, it's all right,
0:21:23 > 0:21:25"I'll go and say hi to Harrison."
0:21:25 > 0:21:28And everyone in the group was, like, "Jack, don't do this.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31"You'll be humiliated." I was, like, "Me and Harrison are tight."
0:21:31 > 0:21:32They genuinely had no idea.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33So I get up, I walk over,
0:21:33 > 0:21:36and at this point, I'm like, "Maybe he won't remember me,
0:21:36 > 0:21:38"and I'll be humiliated as well."
0:21:38 > 0:21:41I walked over and literally as I walked over,
0:21:41 > 0:21:42he was, like, "Hey, Jack!"
0:21:43 > 0:21:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:21:46 > 0:21:47I was so excited.
0:21:47 > 0:21:50I throw all these parties at my crib.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I'm throwing a party for Puff, Jay-Z is there, and Pharrell.
0:21:52 > 0:21:54It's a big party.
0:21:54 > 0:21:58And this kid walks in with a backpack on and his jaw is busted.
0:21:58 > 0:22:01And I said, "Who's that?" And they said, "That's Kanye West."
0:22:01 > 0:22:04I say, "What does he do?" They say, "He raps and produces for Jay-Z."
0:22:04 > 0:22:06And then he said... He said...
0:22:06 > 0:22:09"I have...a song that...
0:22:09 > 0:22:13"that I think that you will be great on...
0:22:13 > 0:22:17"if we could go, erm, to the studio and do, erm, this song."
0:22:17 > 0:22:20I said, "I'm trying to get in the music business. Let's go."
0:22:20 > 0:22:22I wasn't in the music business.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25I happened to have a studio at my crib. So we go in the back...
0:22:25 > 0:22:27LAUGHTER
0:22:27 > 0:22:29We've heard that, yeah.
0:22:29 > 0:22:33But I did that because I would throw parties for musical people
0:22:33 > 0:22:35so I could try to get on a record.
0:22:35 > 0:22:36LAUGHTER
0:22:36 > 0:22:40That's why Puff and Jay-Z and all of them were there. They didn't know.
0:22:40 > 0:22:42But we go in the studio and he says,
0:22:42 > 0:22:44"The song goes...
0:22:44 > 0:22:47"She say she wants some Marvin Gaye, some Luther Vandross..."
0:22:47 > 0:22:49I said, "I got it, I got it."
0:22:49 > 0:22:52- R&B STYLE:- "She say she wants some Marvin Gaye and some..."
0:22:52 > 0:22:54He said, "Yo, what are you doing?"
0:22:54 > 0:22:56I said, "Well, you don't know R&B.
0:22:56 > 0:22:59"You see, I'm an R&B singer, so I've got to put the R&B thing on it.
0:22:59 > 0:23:02"I've got do that." He says, "Erm, don't do that."
0:23:03 > 0:23:05He said, "Just sing it simple, because it's...
0:23:05 > 0:23:08"you know, it's hip-hop." I was, like, "All right."
0:23:08 > 0:23:11So I sung it begrudgingly, thinking, "This song is whack,
0:23:11 > 0:23:14"he's not going to make it, it's not going to work," right?
0:23:14 > 0:23:17So I left and I went and did a bad movie and I came back...
0:23:17 > 0:23:19LAUGHTER
0:23:19 > 0:23:21Come back and I'm in Miami and my boy was like,
0:23:21 > 0:23:23"Yo, remember that song you said was whack?
0:23:23 > 0:23:25"It's number one in the country."
0:23:25 > 0:23:27APPLAUSE Well done to you.
0:23:28 > 0:23:30Frank? Yes.
0:23:30 > 0:23:33- Oh, Frank. - I love that people can say Frank!
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Well, I certainly had plenty of names to name-drop,
0:23:37 > 0:23:40having gone to Hollywood when I was 20
0:23:40 > 0:23:45and met every star from Lana Turner to Gene Kelly to Elizabeth Taylor.
0:23:45 > 0:23:49Mummy comes in and she says, "It's Frank Sinatra on the phone for you."
0:23:49 > 0:23:51"Oh, erm, hi."
0:23:51 > 0:23:54And he said, "Hi. It's Frank.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57He said, "How would you like to have dinner with me?"
0:23:57 > 0:24:02And I said, "Oh, well, that would be very nice, yes."
0:24:02 > 0:24:04He said, "Tomorrow?"
0:24:04 > 0:24:07I said, "Yeah." "I'll send my plane for you."
0:24:07 > 0:24:10I said, "Your plane? Where are you?" He said, "Hamburg."
0:24:10 > 0:24:14I said "Hamburg? I can't possibly go to Hamburg.
0:24:14 > 0:24:16"I mean, I've got an early call tomorrow."
0:24:16 > 0:24:19- He said, "I'll change your call, honey."- Wow.
0:24:19 > 0:24:23I said, "Well, you can't do that.
0:24:23 > 0:24:25"I mean, I'm a serious actress.
0:24:25 > 0:24:28"You can't change my call just because you want to have..."
0:24:28 > 0:24:30And he hung up. And that was it.
0:24:30 > 0:24:32He never asked me again -
0:24:32 > 0:24:34but I hear he asked Linda Evans and she went.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:24:40 > 0:24:43Of course, courage is an important factor in any talk show sofa.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Out there, you have to be ready to face anything.
0:24:46 > 0:24:48After all, the show must go on.
0:24:48 > 0:24:52Oh, my God, that's the biggest fly I've ever seen.
0:24:52 > 0:24:54LAUGHTER
0:24:55 > 0:24:58- Got it.- That is an enormous fly. - That was like a bird!
0:24:58 > 0:25:00You know how you kill a fly? I know...
0:25:00 > 0:25:03If it landed here, what you'd do is you go...
0:25:03 > 0:25:04Get it over here.
0:25:04 > 0:25:06You put it there and you go...
0:25:07 > 0:25:08..because the fly feels the pressure
0:25:08 > 0:25:10of the air coming either side,
0:25:10 > 0:25:12so you trick it!
0:25:12 > 0:25:16- So you go up and you get it every time.- Clever murderer.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18- Yeah.- That's the best.
0:25:18 > 0:25:19APPLAUSE
0:25:20 > 0:25:23So in character!
0:25:23 > 0:25:24Sorry.
0:25:24 > 0:25:28That fly has no idea the danger it's in right now.
0:25:28 > 0:25:31Oh, I so hope he comes back.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER
0:25:33 > 0:25:35- Now, listen...- Ooh!
0:25:35 > 0:25:37Oh...
0:25:37 > 0:25:39Oh, my God!
0:25:40 > 0:25:42Did you just drink the fly?
0:25:42 > 0:25:43LAUGHTER
0:25:45 > 0:25:48- Do you have it? - Is it alive in your mouth?
0:25:48 > 0:25:50He put it in his mouth!
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Oh, my sweet God.
0:25:53 > 0:25:55LAUGHTER
0:25:56 > 0:25:59Is it alive in your hand?
0:25:59 > 0:26:01- It's all wet.- Put it there!
0:26:01 > 0:26:02LAUGHTER
0:26:03 > 0:26:04Here we go!
0:26:04 > 0:26:06I'm taking this thing down!
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- I've got to tell you... - It's drunk now. It's drunk.
0:26:09 > 0:26:10I've chewed it.
0:26:13 > 0:26:14I took a drink...
0:26:14 > 0:26:17and I was, like, I didn't realise I had any ice in there.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:23 > 0:26:26Oh, let's see, let's see. Are you ready, Steve? Ready?
0:26:27 > 0:26:29Oh, no!
0:26:29 > 0:26:31LAUGHTER
0:26:46 > 0:26:48Ah, it's like...
0:26:48 > 0:26:51It's like CSI Fly!
0:26:51 > 0:26:54We'll just draw a little chalk outline around it.
0:26:54 > 0:26:57You didn't swallow any of it? It's all still there?
0:26:57 > 0:26:59That's right. I'm a good girl.
0:27:00 > 0:27:02No!
0:27:02 > 0:27:03Oh!
0:27:03 > 0:27:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:27:07 > 0:27:10I'd like to think my guests are so famous they need no introduction -
0:27:10 > 0:27:13but my next suggestion for top talk show business
0:27:13 > 0:27:15contradicts that idea a little.
0:27:15 > 0:27:18When an actor is very well-known for a particular character
0:27:18 > 0:27:22or even speech, then there's no harm at all in reminding us all
0:27:22 > 0:27:23about that special moment.
0:27:23 > 0:27:27My advice is, don't be afraid to put the show on right here.
0:27:27 > 0:27:30I must admit I didn't think much of Graham Norton
0:27:30 > 0:27:33first time I laid eyes on him.
0:27:33 > 0:27:34LAUGHTER
0:27:34 > 0:27:37Looked like a stiff breeze could blow him over.
0:27:39 > 0:27:41That was my first impression of the man.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46I could see why some people took him for annoying.
0:27:48 > 0:27:54He had a walk and a talk that just wasn't normal around here...
0:27:55 > 0:27:57..and, boy, did he drink.
0:27:57 > 0:27:59LAUGHTER
0:28:00 > 0:28:04He drank like a man without a care or worry in the world.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11I hope to finish this talk show one day.
0:28:12 > 0:28:16I hope Michael stops talking for just one second.
0:28:16 > 0:28:17LAUGHTER
0:28:18 > 0:28:22I hope people stop asking me to do stupid voice-overs like this.
0:28:25 > 0:28:26I hope.
0:28:28 > 0:28:29Oh, very good!
0:28:29 > 0:28:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:32 > 0:28:34Could you do the line from Forrest Gump
0:28:34 > 0:28:37where he suddenly discovers how much he likes running?
0:28:37 > 0:28:40I'd be happy to do it, but you must show the lady with the cue card,
0:28:40 > 0:28:44because otherwise people will think that I've actually memorised this.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Show the lady with the cue card. Cut over to her.
0:28:47 > 0:28:49- See?- There she is. She's there.
0:28:49 > 0:28:51Now I will, in fact, do it.
0:28:51 > 0:28:54- OK, so...- This is for you, Mo. - This is for you, Mo.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57"Now, you wouldn't believe it even if I told you
0:28:57 > 0:29:00"but I could run like the wind blows.
0:29:00 > 0:29:03"From that day on, if I was going somewhere...
0:29:03 > 0:29:05"I was running."
0:29:05 > 0:29:07CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:09 > 0:29:10Press that one.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13- PHONE:- 'Please record your personal greeting.'
0:29:13 > 0:29:15- BEEP - Start?- Yeah.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17"I don't know who you are
0:29:17 > 0:29:20"but if you don't let my daughter go now
0:29:20 > 0:29:22"I will find you, I will kill you."
0:29:22 > 0:29:24Please leave a message.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26LAUGHTER
0:29:27 > 0:29:31So there I was, standing there in the church, and...
0:29:32 > 0:29:36..for the first time in my life I realised I totally and utterly...
0:29:36 > 0:29:37loved one person.
0:29:39 > 0:29:40And it wasn't...
0:29:40 > 0:29:42LAUGHTER
0:29:44 > 0:29:46And it wasn't the...
0:29:49 > 0:29:51LAUGHTER
0:29:52 > 0:29:56And it wasn't the person standing next to me in the veil.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00LAUGHTER
0:30:01 > 0:30:06It was the person standing opposite to me in the rain.
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Is it still raining?
0:30:09 > 0:30:11RAUCOUS LAUGHTER
0:30:11 > 0:30:13I hadn't noticed.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16MIMICS PETER FROM FAMILY GUY
0:30:17 > 0:30:21# You with the sad eyes
0:30:21 > 0:30:23# Don't be discouraged
0:30:23 > 0:30:26# Oh, I realise
0:30:27 > 0:30:29# It's hard to take courage
0:30:29 > 0:30:32# In a world full of people
0:30:32 > 0:30:35# You can lose sight of it all
0:30:35 > 0:30:38# The darkness inside you
0:30:38 > 0:30:40# Can make you feel so small
0:30:40 > 0:30:43# But I see your true colours
0:30:44 > 0:30:46# Shining through
0:30:46 > 0:30:49# I see your true colours
0:30:49 > 0:30:51# Buddy, that's why I love you
0:30:51 > 0:30:54# So don't be a dick
0:30:55 > 0:30:57# Let them show
0:30:57 > 0:31:00# Your true colours
0:31:00 > 0:31:03# Your true colours
0:31:03 > 0:31:05# Are beautiful
0:31:06 > 0:31:08# Like a rainbow. #
0:31:08 > 0:31:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:31:11 > 0:31:14Here comes the next section of good guest strategy.
0:31:14 > 0:31:17One word - humility.
0:31:17 > 0:31:20You may be super famous, but you must never forget the people
0:31:20 > 0:31:23who put you where you are now - the audience.
0:31:23 > 0:31:26Engage with them - at a distance, preferably -
0:31:26 > 0:31:28and, in an ever more stunning display
0:31:28 > 0:31:30of being just like the rest of us,
0:31:30 > 0:31:33why not show that you are actually a fan, too?
0:31:33 > 0:31:36Now, Emilia Clarke, did you get to chat with everyone backstage?
0:31:36 > 0:31:40- Yeah, kind of.- Did you get to talk to him?- Yeah, kind of... maybe...
0:31:41 > 0:31:43Emilia Clarke loves Matt LeBlanc.
0:31:46 > 0:31:47Hi.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50I'm actually blushing.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Erm, yeah. I just think you're wicked.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54- AUDIENCE:- Aww.
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- Now, June Brown... - I'm exhausted already.
0:31:59 > 0:32:01Now, here's the thing.
0:32:01 > 0:32:03Are you familiar, Lady Gaga, with EastEnders?
0:32:03 > 0:32:05No, don't say yes, darling.
0:32:05 > 0:32:08If you're not, you're not, and I don't blame you. It's all right.
0:32:08 > 0:32:10LAUGHTER
0:32:10 > 0:32:13I am. And I actually am a very big fan of yours.
0:32:13 > 0:32:16I just don't watch a lot of television.
0:32:16 > 0:32:18I don't watch any.
0:32:18 > 0:32:19No, no.
0:32:19 > 0:32:21Has it undone?
0:32:21 > 0:32:24No, I'm just tailoring it for you. I have a safety pin.
0:32:24 > 0:32:26What are you trying to do behind there?
0:32:26 > 0:32:30- She's making it form-fitting. - Watch your hat, for god's sake.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32LAUGHTER
0:32:32 > 0:32:36No, no, get a bit further over, dear, it looks rather good.
0:32:36 > 0:32:38LAUGHTER
0:32:39 > 0:32:43No, you moved! You moved! Wrong way.
0:32:43 > 0:32:47Sorry, Graham, is this happening, or have I been taking drugs?
0:32:48 > 0:32:50No, we have.
0:32:52 > 0:32:55- I do have one slight request from you, though.- What's that?
0:32:55 > 0:32:57So, would you be able to ask me how I'm doing?
0:32:57 > 0:32:59Oh, yes, do that.
0:32:59 > 0:33:01CHEERING
0:33:03 > 0:33:06You can say no. Everyone will hate you, but you can say no.
0:33:06 > 0:33:08No... Yes.
0:33:08 > 0:33:12Well, since I haven't been up to speed on the show, I will.
0:33:12 > 0:33:14Thank you.
0:33:14 > 0:33:15How you doin'?
0:33:16 > 0:33:19- I caught that from back here. - It works!
0:33:20 > 0:33:23What was really embarrassing is when Matt walked out,
0:33:23 > 0:33:25I went, how you doing?
0:33:25 > 0:33:28And I was, like, shut up! What are you doing?
0:33:28 > 0:33:31- Chris, your fans have a name. They're called?- The Pine Nuts, yes.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33CHEERING
0:33:33 > 0:33:36And, Benedict, what are your fans called?
0:33:37 > 0:33:38LAUGHTER
0:33:38 > 0:33:40The Cumberbitches.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43Quite a few fans in tonight, I know.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45And some of them seriously have travelled from afar,
0:33:45 > 0:33:50so let's see who is the most devoted fan, who's travelled the furthest.
0:33:50 > 0:33:55So, if you've travelled to see the guys tonight, put your hands up.
0:33:55 > 0:33:56Quite a few, quite a few.
0:33:56 > 0:33:58Look, a lady with two hands up there.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03- Where are you from?- Nebraska. - Nebraska. Oh, you dropped something.
0:34:03 > 0:34:05You've got a little thing there.
0:34:05 > 0:34:08- So... Now, do you live here?- No.
0:34:08 > 0:34:11- You flew in especially from Nebraska?- Yes.
0:34:11 > 0:34:14- No, you didn't.- I did.- Did you really? All the way from Nebraska?
0:34:14 > 0:34:16- Yes.- For this?- Yes.- God!
0:34:16 > 0:34:18And who are...
0:34:18 > 0:34:20Now...
0:34:20 > 0:34:22- AUDIENCE:- Pine Nut!
0:34:22 > 0:34:25What do you think, Pine Nut? CHEERING
0:34:25 > 0:34:27Cumberbitch.
0:34:34 > 0:34:36- Oh, my God.- Thank you.
0:34:37 > 0:34:40OK, OK. Stand up, you.
0:34:40 > 0:34:44- Hello. What's your name? - Yasuko Kirohata.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47- Sorry?- Yasuko Kirohata.- Hello. Hi.
0:34:47 > 0:34:50- And where are you from?- Japan.
0:34:50 > 0:34:53- And did you fly in from Japan? - Fly in.
0:34:53 > 0:34:55- Especially?- Especially.
0:34:55 > 0:34:57Yes.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00OK. Are you here for Cumberbitch or Pine Nut?
0:35:00 > 0:35:03- Pine.- It's a Pine Nut!
0:35:03 > 0:35:05We have a Pine Nut! You have to now. You have to.
0:35:06 > 0:35:08Yeah.
0:35:08 > 0:35:11Oh... Oh, my actual God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
0:35:11 > 0:35:12Wow. Thank you!
0:35:16 > 0:35:19Let's hear again from my show guest-pert Ricky Gervais.
0:35:19 > 0:35:20Here he is!
0:35:20 > 0:35:22I think I'm the only one that comes on
0:35:22 > 0:35:24looking like I've just come from a building site.
0:35:24 > 0:35:28I'm so worried that I'm the only one that's made an effort.
0:35:28 > 0:35:31The blokes usually put on suits, and I come on and I go, "Hey, Graham.
0:35:31 > 0:35:33"Pour me another one, will you, mate?
0:35:33 > 0:35:35"All right. What film have you got out?"
0:35:35 > 0:35:39I had to apologise once because I had mud on my trainers.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42I just realised that I might put mud on you...
0:35:43 > 0:35:48Luckily, I can play the drunken slob loser really well.
0:35:49 > 0:35:51This is... This is embarrassing.
0:35:51 > 0:35:54- Yes, I didn't notice those. That is piss poor.- I'm really sorry!
0:35:54 > 0:35:57It's great that all the guests are together.
0:35:57 > 0:35:59Johnny, everyone thinks he's shy, OK?
0:35:59 > 0:36:02If people knew what he was really like, his career would be over.
0:36:04 > 0:36:07When I told a story about - we were on the set of Life's Too Short
0:36:07 > 0:36:09and I was stuffing Warwick Davis down a toilet...
0:36:09 > 0:36:11..and I'm sort of bending his legs in.
0:36:11 > 0:36:15I'm going, "It's all right. If it breaks, we'll get another one in.
0:36:15 > 0:36:18I'm pushing him down the toilet and I'm laughing and Warwick's laughing,
0:36:18 > 0:36:20and at one point Warwick goes, "Look at Johnny."
0:36:20 > 0:36:23I turned around and Johnny Depp is going,
0:36:23 > 0:36:25"You don't mind if I masturbate while you're doing that?"
0:36:25 > 0:36:27LAUGHTER
0:36:28 > 0:36:30'I mean, and people... You know, this...'
0:36:30 > 0:36:34They're...a huge icon,
0:36:34 > 0:36:38and talking about masturbating to a dwarf stuck in a toilet.
0:36:38 > 0:36:40You don't get that on This Morning.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45'It is fun, and so it looks like fun,
0:36:45 > 0:36:47'and I think the audience relate to that.
0:36:47 > 0:36:51'It's not just, tell us that anecdote, great.'
0:36:51 > 0:36:54Show the clip, great. When's that out? Friday? Cheers.
0:36:54 > 0:36:57You, what have you got to sell? OK, go and buy that.
0:36:57 > 0:36:59You know, it's not like that.
0:36:59 > 0:37:01Kevin Costner was on and he said to me he was very nervous
0:37:01 > 0:37:03and he came out and he was very nervous to be there -
0:37:03 > 0:37:06and then he started telling stories, and I just didn't want it to end.
0:37:06 > 0:37:09I remember one of my friends was a writer,
0:37:09 > 0:37:13and, of course, I sent him on a lot of, you know, jobs
0:37:13 > 0:37:16and every report that came back was he just pissed everybody off
0:37:16 > 0:37:20and he came over and goes, "I hate Hollywood, I hate all you people,"
0:37:20 > 0:37:23and he went down to Arizona and he was working in a Chinese restaurant.
0:37:23 > 0:37:26If you've ever worked in a Chinese restaurant, washing dishes,
0:37:26 > 0:37:27there's a lot of them.
0:37:27 > 0:37:30He said, "Have you read what I wrote?"
0:37:30 > 0:37:32I said, "No, I don't really like you any more,"
0:37:32 > 0:37:35and he goes, "Well, I'm cold and working at this place
0:37:35 > 0:37:38"and I'm having to kill raccoons and work at this Chinese restaurant,"
0:37:38 > 0:37:41and I said...
0:37:41 > 0:37:44So, I sent him a sleeping bag, I sent him stuff,
0:37:44 > 0:37:46and he said, "Did you read what I...?"
0:37:46 > 0:37:50and finally I read it, and it was Dances With Wolves.
0:37:50 > 0:37:51Wow.
0:37:51 > 0:37:54I mean, I could have just sat there and just listened to him talk
0:37:54 > 0:37:57just honestly and truthfully and about his great life.
0:37:57 > 0:37:59That is amazing, going from killing raccoons
0:37:59 > 0:38:01and washing dishes to winning an Oscar.
0:38:01 > 0:38:04- It was amazing before the punch line that he wrote...- Absolutely.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06I never help people.
0:38:07 > 0:38:09No point. No point.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12Cut them off.
0:38:14 > 0:38:16Another simple rule to follow
0:38:16 > 0:38:18is designed to turn a mere guest appearance
0:38:18 > 0:38:20into a total guest experience.
0:38:20 > 0:38:23You have your stories, but you also have your talent.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25You have so much more to give.
0:38:25 > 0:38:27Why don't you bring out your party trick?
0:38:28 > 0:38:29Oh!
0:38:33 > 0:38:36Hey! Whoa!
0:38:39 > 0:38:41That is amazing!
0:38:43 > 0:38:45Hey!
0:38:45 > 0:38:47DANCE MUSIC
0:38:49 > 0:38:51CHEERING
0:39:05 > 0:39:07Whoa!
0:39:07 > 0:39:09He's going to do it, he's going to do it.
0:39:09 > 0:39:11CHEERING
0:39:12 > 0:39:15That is... that's better than in the photo shoot.
0:39:16 > 0:39:18Zac Efron, everybody! Well done!
0:39:20 > 0:39:22- Here we go. Music.- Oh, no.
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Very good! Excellent work.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Oh, my nose goes at the same time.
0:39:27 > 0:39:29You don't know who it's going to next.
0:39:29 > 0:39:31Oh, it's you... oh, oh!
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Oh!
0:39:33 > 0:39:36Oh, my God. Take that, Cara Delevingne.
0:39:37 > 0:39:38LAUGHTER
0:39:39 > 0:39:41HIP-HOP MUSIC
0:39:41 > 0:39:43A little less.
0:39:57 > 0:40:00We're done.
0:40:00 > 0:40:01Very good! Well done.
0:40:02 > 0:40:05- Towel, towel, towel.- Perfect.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10It's around the lips that you have to be really careful.
0:40:10 > 0:40:11It's a balloon.
0:40:11 > 0:40:13LAUGHTER
0:40:18 > 0:40:20It's 594...
0:40:21 > 0:40:23I slipped.
0:40:23 > 0:40:25I slipped.
0:40:25 > 0:40:27594 to beat, 594 to beat.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29Here we go, here we go, here we go.
0:40:30 > 0:40:32Oh!
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Oh!
0:40:36 > 0:40:37Wow!
0:40:37 > 0:40:39OK.
0:40:40 > 0:40:42- Anthony Joshua... - Are you on? Are you on?
0:40:42 > 0:40:45No, I'm so not. CHEERING
0:40:45 > 0:40:46OK.
0:40:50 > 0:40:52Go, go, go. Oh, no, I've got to do this.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55Here we go... Oh, look, I'm still going!
0:40:55 > 0:40:58OK, there you go. What was your...?
0:40:58 > 0:40:59Eight...
0:40:59 > 0:41:01I think it was 3,000?
0:41:02 > 0:41:04No, 672, was it?
0:41:04 > 0:41:06- 672.- 632.
0:41:06 > 0:41:09So, if you don't beat that, you've lost the title.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12If you don't beat me... I mean, look at this.
0:41:12 > 0:41:14LAUGHTER
0:41:16 > 0:41:18OK, OK, here we go, here we go.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20- Same technique as you. - The world champion.
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Oh!
0:41:23 > 0:41:25APPLAUSE
0:41:27 > 0:41:31There's antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium, and hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium,
0:41:31 > 0:41:35and nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium, and iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium, europium,
0:41:35 > 0:41:37zirconium, lutetium, vanadium, and lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium, and gold,
0:41:37 > 0:41:40protactinium and indium and gallium, and phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium,
0:41:40 > 0:41:44and manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium, dysprosium and scandium and cerium and caesium.
0:41:44 > 0:41:47There's lead, praseodymium, platinum, plutonium, palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium,
0:41:47 > 0:41:50and also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium, and argon, radon... Agh!
0:41:50 > 0:41:52..and argon... Hold on quiet. Shh! Quiet!
0:41:52 > 0:41:54LAUGHTER
0:41:54 > 0:41:56..argon, radon, neon, krypton, xenon, zinc and rhodium,
0:41:56 > 0:41:59and chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin and sodium.
0:41:59 > 0:42:00Now clap.
0:42:00 > 0:42:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:04 > 0:42:06This is my moment to be on television doing magic. You ready?
0:42:06 > 0:42:08I'm ready, I'm ready.
0:42:08 > 0:42:09This is a colouring book.
0:42:09 > 0:42:12There's nothing weird, odd or bizarre about it,
0:42:12 > 0:42:14other than it says the word magic on the front of it.
0:42:15 > 0:42:18There's actually nothing in the colouring book.
0:42:18 > 0:42:20I'm showing you, you see? There is nothing.
0:42:20 > 0:42:23- Nothing.- Nothing. - There's nothing in it.
0:42:23 > 0:42:25- But, Brian...- Yes?
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Will you blow on the colouring book?
0:42:29 > 0:42:31I beg your pardon?
0:42:31 > 0:42:33LAUGHTER
0:42:34 > 0:42:35No, harder than that.
0:42:35 > 0:42:37LAUGHTER
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Come on. Blow hard!
0:42:43 > 0:42:44APPLAUSE
0:42:44 > 0:42:46I am a blowhard. OK.
0:42:47 > 0:42:50Let's see what that's done, shall we?
0:42:52 > 0:42:53Oh!
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Oh, wow!
0:42:55 > 0:42:59- Pictures, don't you know? - That is some crazy magic.
0:42:59 > 0:43:01Oh, there's more, Graham. Don't stop me.
0:43:01 > 0:43:03More? There's more!
0:43:03 > 0:43:06OK, so, the next stage is...
0:43:06 > 0:43:08Now we have pictures. Ben, we have pictures.
0:43:08 > 0:43:10We have pictures. I can see the pictures.
0:43:10 > 0:43:12Will you blow on it?
0:43:13 > 0:43:16- Give me your full Smaug. - I will blow hard.
0:43:17 > 0:43:19OK, good.
0:43:19 > 0:43:20Was it hard enough?
0:43:20 > 0:43:22I should do panto!
0:43:22 > 0:43:23- SHOUTS FROM AUDIENCE - Oh, yes!
0:43:25 > 0:43:27- Mum, we've talked about this, Mum. - Was it hard enough?
0:43:27 > 0:43:29No, it wasn't hard enough.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31But I'm a wizard...
0:43:32 > 0:43:34..and I have a wand.
0:43:34 > 0:43:36CHEERING
0:43:36 > 0:43:38That was good.
0:43:38 > 0:43:41It's been sitting there awkwardly for the whole show.
0:43:41 > 0:43:43- Don't spoil it!- Sorry.
0:43:44 > 0:43:46And maybe for full-on Marvel...
0:43:46 > 0:43:49..like, wizarding crossover...
0:43:49 > 0:43:52..the potential for Doctor Strange to come into the wizarding world...
0:43:52 > 0:43:55- We might get sued for this. - Will you give us a spell, Ben?
0:43:55 > 0:43:58- Azakasham!- Yeah! Good.
0:43:59 > 0:44:01It's actually better than I did.
0:44:02 > 0:44:04Drum roll?
0:44:04 > 0:44:05Oh!
0:44:08 > 0:44:10CHEERING
0:44:10 > 0:44:12Oh! Oh!
0:44:12 > 0:44:13Oh!
0:44:14 > 0:44:17If there was one rule that I'd want all guests to stick to,
0:44:17 > 0:44:19it's that first one.
0:44:19 > 0:44:21You remember, the one about telling a story -
0:44:21 > 0:44:23but not just any story.
0:44:23 > 0:44:27When I was teaching, which is what this show is based on,
0:44:27 > 0:44:30I went home one weekend, and I was in my 30s.
0:44:30 > 0:44:33I was probably 33 years of age.
0:44:33 > 0:44:35I went home to see my mother.
0:44:35 > 0:44:37And then I went back.
0:44:37 > 0:44:40While I was at home, my mother did my washing for me cos I was only 33.
0:44:40 > 0:44:43And then I went back.
0:44:43 > 0:44:46On the Sunday night, I got really drunk
0:44:46 > 0:44:49and then I went for a curry -
0:44:49 > 0:44:52and then the next day I went into school.
0:44:53 > 0:44:54LAUGHTER
0:44:54 > 0:44:57I'm going to. I went into school.
0:44:57 > 0:44:59It was a school in Slough and it was quite a rough school,
0:44:59 > 0:45:02but they had a brilliant hearing impaired department,
0:45:02 > 0:45:05so there were hearing impaired kids who, you know, struggled.
0:45:05 > 0:45:08They were really looked after in the school.
0:45:08 > 0:45:10Anyway, I was really hungover, I went there,
0:45:10 > 0:45:12and about break time I felt really uncomfortable.
0:45:12 > 0:45:15I thought, "Something's not right," you know?
0:45:15 > 0:45:18So I went to the toilet and I pulled my trousers down
0:45:18 > 0:45:21and some of my mother's knickers had got...
0:45:22 > 0:45:25..had got mixed up in the wash she'd done,
0:45:25 > 0:45:28and I was wearing my mother's underwear.
0:45:29 > 0:45:32And I went, "Oh, God, no!"
0:45:32 > 0:45:34I remember going, "Oh, you loser.
0:45:34 > 0:45:37"This is such a low point, you fucking loser."
0:45:38 > 0:45:40And, then...
0:45:40 > 0:45:45And then the curry and the booze... the curry and the booze kicked in
0:45:45 > 0:45:47from the night before.
0:45:47 > 0:45:48So I...
0:45:48 > 0:45:50I did like a faecal Jackson Pollock.
0:45:51 > 0:45:53APPLAUSE
0:45:54 > 0:45:56And I started...
0:45:56 > 0:45:59I started going, "Oh, God, not this!
0:45:59 > 0:46:01"Not this as well! Oh, Jesus!"
0:46:01 > 0:46:05So I cleaned myself up, I pulled my mother's pants back up.
0:46:06 > 0:46:09And I went back into the, erm... classroom.
0:46:09 > 0:46:11And I saw one of the hearing impaired kids
0:46:11 > 0:46:13looking at me like this.
0:46:13 > 0:46:17And that's when I remembered that I had a microphone directly...
0:46:17 > 0:46:19LAUGHTER
0:46:19 > 0:46:21..connected...
0:46:22 > 0:46:24..to his hearing aid.
0:46:24 > 0:46:26LAUGHTER
0:46:30 > 0:46:33Just follow all my advice, like everyone in this show did,
0:46:33 > 0:46:36and the honour of being a good guest will be yours...
0:46:36 > 0:46:39..and sometimes, when all the show business elements fuse together
0:46:39 > 0:46:41on a special night, the talk show sofa
0:46:41 > 0:46:43can become the best place in the world.
0:46:43 > 0:46:46You need stars that are ready to have fun and be themselves
0:46:46 > 0:46:49and have consumed industrial quantities of champagne -
0:46:49 > 0:46:52and I mean industrial quantities.
0:46:52 > 0:46:54One, two, three.
0:46:55 > 0:46:57CHEERING
0:47:00 > 0:47:02Oh, he did!
0:47:02 > 0:47:04Wow!
0:47:06 > 0:47:07Oh!
0:47:07 > 0:47:08CHEERING
0:47:09 > 0:47:11Wow!
0:47:15 > 0:47:18So, that's my guide to being a good guest.
0:47:18 > 0:47:21Follow that advice and you'll be on my big red sofa.
0:47:21 > 0:47:24Oh, but please get very famous first.
0:47:24 > 0:47:26See you next Friday for the real thing.