:00:38. > :00:42.For the last two months I've had such a lovely time, sitting
:00:42. > :00:47.drinking wine, laughing and chatting with a parade of lovely
:00:47. > :00:57.showbiz guests. But which one was the best? Yes, it's Sauvignon
:00:57. > :01:16.
:01:16. > :01:21.APPLAUSE Too kind. What a lovely warm
:01:21. > :01:25.welcome. And welcome to my special compilation show. I love this time
:01:25. > :01:29.of the year. Turkey's finished. Relatives are gone. All the
:01:29. > :01:34.presents have been safely listed on eBay. That means it's time to look
:01:34. > :01:37.back at some of my favourite guests and mopts from the last few months,
:01:37. > :01:41.starting with... We're slighted you're here. I'm surprised you're
:01:41. > :01:47.here so quickly. It seems you are so lovely to your fans that the
:01:47. > :01:51.story of you as Captain Jack going to see that little girl in
:01:51. > :01:56.Greenwich, that's an amazing story. APPLAUSE
:01:56. > :02:01.For people who haven't heard, tell whaus happened. I got a letter,
:02:01. > :02:05.this sweet letter from a little girl, who was going to school, like
:02:05. > :02:09.three minutes from where we were shooting. She said, you know, we
:02:09. > :02:14.need to escape. We need pirates to help us out. I thought well, on
:02:14. > :02:22.lunch break we'll go over, bring about 12 pirates and go ape. And we
:02:22. > :02:29.did. It was really fun and really sweet. I mean the kids were so
:02:29. > :02:39.responsive. Some were scared, very scared. How the hell did that
:02:39. > :02:40.
:02:40. > :02:46.letter get to you? In a bottle. LAUGHTER
:02:46. > :02:50.Now, during the summer we all read about Necker Island. So you did
:02:50. > :02:55.save Richard Branson's mother's life? No I didn't. I carried her
:02:55. > :03:00.down the stairs is the truth of it. It was genuinely very scary. It
:03:00. > :03:06.really was. We did wake up at 4.30am to hear the sounds of some
:03:06. > :03:08.of Richard's nephews voices yelling there was a fire. I jumped up. I
:03:08. > :03:16.ran immediately towards the fire because clearly I thought I could
:03:16. > :03:19.put it out. Hang on! So I'm running towards the flames and realise oh,
:03:19. > :03:22.no actually, because another few minutes and we'll all be dead. So
:03:22. > :03:27.turn around and Mia and Joe, my children, were at the bedroom door.
:03:27. > :03:32.I said to them, it's a fire, it's fine, go inside for two minutes and
:03:32. > :03:36.close the door. Then thinking, what do I do? I ran into the bedroom and
:03:36. > :03:40.put on a bra. It's like, in disastrous moments like, that you
:03:40. > :03:44.do the strangest things. I thought no, that's going to take too long,
:03:44. > :03:48.off came the bra, on went the T- shirt, I grabbed the children and
:03:48. > :03:52.picked up granny. We were at the top of slippery stone steps. We
:03:52. > :03:57.were in the hurricane, that's the other thing that was so dramatic.
:03:57. > :04:05.This lashing rain. It really did feel like being in a movie. So, no,
:04:05. > :04:09.in truth I carried Eve Branson braless, me not her, maybe we were
:04:09. > :04:13.both braless. I carried her down the stairs. These aspects didn't
:04:13. > :04:19.come out in the original story. They really played down the whole
:04:19. > :04:25.breast support issue. I never, ever play that one down. Is it true, and
:04:25. > :04:28.this seems unlikely, that you own a single piece of every bit of
:04:28. > :04:33.memorabilia that they produced for Lord of the Rings? Well, that's
:04:33. > :04:39.half true. So I've got a few things from the actual film. So I have the
:04:39. > :04:44.ring. I have sting. I have a map from Bilbao's study, the living
:04:44. > :04:50.room in bag end. I went back and.final bit on The Hobbit. They
:04:50. > :04:54.gave me the book that Bilbao writes in. He writes The Hobbit, then I
:04:54. > :04:59.finish it as Lord of the Rings. They gave me the red volume.
:04:59. > :05:09.actual prop? Yeah. Whoa. My last day in Hobbiton, it was pretty
:05:09. > :05:09.
:05:09. > :05:14.magical. Amazing. In Hobbiton! It's a set! It's real place... No, it's
:05:14. > :05:21.not. LAUGHTER
:05:21. > :05:25.Graham. It's a dream. Don't you screw up his dream. They've
:05:25. > :05:30.actually built it. So from now on you'll get to see Hobbiton and
:05:30. > :05:34.advise the it as a real place. -- visit it as a real place. Will you
:05:34. > :05:42.be able to stay there? No, but they're turning The Green Dragon
:05:42. > :05:48.pub into a visitors centre. "Where's my bedroom?" Here's the
:05:48. > :05:58.jacuzzi. There we go, let's get it going.
:05:58. > :06:04.
:06:04. > :06:09.There's this website called manbabies.com. It's not as bad as
:06:09. > :06:14.it sounds. It's sweet. People put in photographs of dads and the
:06:14. > :06:19.babies, right, and it sounds stupid, it is stupid, they swap the heads...
:06:19. > :06:29.Oh, yes. But they keep them in proportion. So this is a classic,
:06:29. > :06:32.
:06:32. > :06:39.Oh, no. That's wrong. Brilliant. could watch this all day. Sometimes
:06:39. > :06:49.it's not that obvious that heads it's not that obvious that heads
:06:49. > :06:57.
:06:57. > :07:07.have been swaped. This could be a That baby is plotting.
:07:07. > :07:08.
:07:08. > :07:18.It's disturbing. Finally, Lee, we sent you to be done. Very sweet it
:07:18. > :07:23.is. Here's Lee. LAUGHTER
:07:23. > :07:26.Marvellous. Well done all the man babies. Now, you had to do some
:07:26. > :07:30.bonding in bridesmaids didn't you? We did. We just played a lot of
:07:30. > :07:37.games. Like there's a scene where we're sitting on a cop car and I
:07:37. > :07:43.play a cop in the film. We would just play "would you rather" a lot.
:07:43. > :07:49.Do you know that game? Like would you rather have a nipple on the end
:07:49. > :07:55.of your nose or a tooth growing out of your cheek. Or would you rather
:07:55. > :08:00.have to eat a VAT full of poo or have a small poo in your mouth
:08:00. > :08:05.every morning for the rest of your lives? I think that's easy. Which
:08:05. > :08:08.would you go for? The bird. No. have to do it every day for the
:08:08. > :08:12.rest of your life. You'd get used to it.
:08:12. > :08:18.The bird would become your friend. It would be nice, you wake up, here
:08:18. > :08:27.come the birds. Morning poo and then off you go.
:08:27. > :08:34.I suppose it's quite wee isn't it. And it's only a small bird. No, you
:08:34. > :08:38.don't get to choose. What an albatross. You said small bird.
:08:38. > :08:44.when you're at Glastonbury and you go back stage and there's Beyonce...
:08:44. > :08:48.My friend, yeah. You go up to her and speaking to her, would you
:08:48. > :08:58.rather sneeze and have both barrels blow snot all down her face or
:08:58. > :09:04.
:09:04. > :09:09.That's a very good one. I'm going to have to go with shit. Is it a
:09:09. > :09:15.weird thing being the sexiest man alive? Oh, it's the worst. No!
:09:15. > :09:18.so awful, yeah. Are you a little self-conscious? I'm 36 years old, I
:09:18. > :09:22.don't care about anything like that any more. That's a wonderful thing.
:09:22. > :09:28.Then this happened an I started to realise just how not sexy I am.
:09:28. > :09:33.Stop it. I swear to God. A lot of moments I'll open up the door and
:09:33. > :09:39.I'll go, I could do that a lot sexier. That was not very sexy at
:09:39. > :09:46.all. This is rare. Because we have the sexiest man alive. Esquire, the
:09:46. > :09:51.sexiest woman alive. Awhile ago. I'm the sexiest woman alive
:09:51. > :09:56.according to my boyfriend. I hope I APPLAUSE
:09:56. > :10:01.Also, can I just say there's a British pin up on our sofa. Feast
:10:01. > :10:11.your eyes on that, ladies and gentleman.
:10:11. > :10:21.
:10:21. > :10:25.It's mostly all balls. Now in this tour, this is good, you do a master
:10:25. > :10:29.class in accents. I was trying to get better. I've been doing stand
:10:29. > :10:34.up for ten years. I thought what can I get better at, it's accents.
:10:34. > :10:38.I have done the secret of good regional accents, you need a key
:10:38. > :10:45.phrase to get you started. Once you have that in your head, you get
:10:45. > :10:48.started. I can teach you. I can't do yours, I can do ones from around
:10:48. > :10:55.Britain. That could be useful because you could play British
:10:55. > :10:58.people. Meryl Streep gets them all now. I know. You could be in
:10:58. > :11:08.Desperate Scouse wives. If you want to talk like someone from Liverpool
:11:08. > :11:25.
:11:25. > :11:30.you say "I want some chicken and a can of coke" You try it. You
:11:30. > :11:38.sounded like you were trying to be a ventriloquist there. I'll teach
:11:38. > :11:46.you another one from the UK. more. Roller coaster, pooper
:11:46. > :11:55.scooper, Kawasaki, but if you want to do the Geordie accent. Roller
:11:55. > :12:05.coaster, pooper-scooper, oompa loompa, Kawasaki. We'll do them one
:12:05. > :12:09.
:12:09. > :12:18.at a time. Roller coster. Pooper- scooper Oompa loompa Oompa loompa.
:12:18. > :12:24.Kawasaki. Kawasaki. Genius! Of course, the highlight of any Cliff
:12:24. > :12:27.Richard fan every year is the annual release of the Cliff Richard
:12:27. > :12:35.calendar. CHEERING
:12:35. > :12:42.I have to be honest, I've only been collecting them since 1982. Wow!
:12:42. > :12:47.Prior to that my mother wouldn't let me buy them.
:12:47. > :12:52.What's amazing about these, because you are timeless, the only way to
:12:52. > :12:56.kind of gauge what year they are is sort of really from the fashions or
:12:56. > :13:01.how it is shot. Good game, good game Micky and Kelly. So take this
:13:01. > :13:05.one. This is a classic. It's very hard to guess this, I will give you
:13:05. > :13:09.multiple choice. I don't know what you did to Minnie, she looks quite
:13:09. > :13:16.surprised. LAUGHTER
:13:16. > :13:25.You probably know the answer. Don't you answer. No, I don't. Is this
:13:25. > :13:35.1984, 1996 or 2001? I'm going to go with... Oh! Could you do that
:13:35. > :13:46.
:13:46. > :13:55.Oh, ah - oh, ah... I'm going to go for '96. I'm going for '84. All the
:13:55. > :14:03.cliff fans got it wrong. This is December 1996. OK, so this next one
:14:03. > :14:10.is this older than '96 or newer? I'm going to say orld. Orld.
:14:11. > :14:14.February 2000. How long had you had that jacket?
:14:14. > :14:21.You did not buy that jacket in February 2000. I don't even
:14:21. > :14:25.remember the jacket. Really? Because you had it a while.
:14:25. > :14:32.bought this at an auction, they said it was yours.
:14:32. > :14:39.APPLAUSE Right. James McAvoy new film Arthur
:14:39. > :14:43.Christmas and it's in 3-D. It is. You're a big fan of 3-D. Now listen,
:14:43. > :14:46.I slagged off 3-D in the past and I think... You really slagged it up.
:14:47. > :14:51.I believe you said "It's a waste of time and money and I wouldn't pay
:14:51. > :15:00.for a ticket." LAUGHTER
:15:00. > :15:04.Thank you. Yeah, well, I think... Sometimes they shoot a movie and
:15:04. > :15:09.they shoot it straight 2D and change it to 3-D afterwards. That's
:15:09. > :15:14.a way of getting people into the cinema and charging them an extra
:15:14. > :15:18.�4. That is naughty. This was designed to be 3-D. When you film
:15:18. > :15:22.something 3-D, does it change you, does it change the set or is it
:15:22. > :15:26.just all in the camera? I've never filmed anything 3-D, which is
:15:26. > :15:36.probably why I'm angry about it. This is the animation, of course.
:15:36. > :15:40.That's the drawing. LAUGHTER
:15:41. > :15:44.I was thinking that make up department's brilliant on that!
:15:44. > :15:49.When you began and you were doing the voicovers and stuff for things,
:15:49. > :15:53.you have to deal with impenetrable scripts, terrible scripts. When I
:15:53. > :15:59.first made my living it was doing voicovers for stuff. You'll have
:15:59. > :16:02.never have sulied yourself in this way Kate. I probably have. I voiced
:16:02. > :16:07.a few video games. If you voice characters in a video game you have
:16:07. > :16:17.to give them all the options. Wow have things like, you know, "Would
:16:17. > :16:21.
:16:21. > :16:29.you like to touch the curse ID casket of mink?" Then "Behold the
:16:29. > :16:36.curd casket of mink? Are you in the mood for the Cursed Casket of Minge.
:16:36. > :16:40.I spot minge, do you have a cursed casket. It's like a phone directory,
:16:41. > :16:44.it's soul destroying. Terrible work. Again no nominations. You are a
:16:44. > :16:48.genuine big science fiction fan, aren't you Simon? Yeah. When you
:16:48. > :16:54.got the call for Star Trek, you were genuinely excited. We have a
:16:54. > :17:01.picture you took of yourself... can see the phone hands there like
:17:01. > :17:06.that. Totally. Do you like Star Trek? Ah, yeah. Do you? Uh-huh.
:17:06. > :17:16.don't have to say that. I like the ear dude and stuff. Ear dude
:17:16. > :17:17.
:17:17. > :17:22.suggests not a huge... The ear dude is Spock. The ear dude and the
:17:22. > :17:26.rocket ship and the Martians, who really did that stuff. I grew up
:17:26. > :17:33.watching it. It was on every night at 6pm. We would have competitions
:17:33. > :17:39.to see, I'd be on the phone with my budy. We'd have it on channel two
:17:39. > :17:46.at Six O'Clock. We would see who could scream out the episode the
:17:47. > :17:55.quickest. We alerted that you were both Star Trek fans. We believe you
:17:55. > :17:58.have treky trivia questions. I'll tidy my desk. You pop on the kettle
:17:58. > :18:04.Nicole. Have you got your questions? I have. Tom? I left them
:18:04. > :18:09.in the dressing room. Very good. If only there was some way to
:18:09. > :18:13.transport you there quickly? Hey, wait a minute, the guy who plays
:18:13. > :18:16.Scotty, might know how to get my body broken down into molecules,
:18:16. > :18:20.transported into the dressing room and back and I could get the
:18:20. > :18:25.questions that way perhaps. I have some experience of meta transfer,
:18:26. > :18:35.in fact, I have taken the liberty of bringing with me my own personal
:18:36. > :18:48.
:18:48. > :18:51.APPLAUSE Nicole, excellent work! Gather
:18:51. > :19:01.yourself. Be prepared to be amazed once more as we bring Tom back.
:19:01. > :19:09.You're very good. Lock onto the cord nats and energise!
:19:09. > :19:14.CHEERING Got him. That was amazing.
:19:14. > :19:20.It sort of diminishes the film, doesn't it? English talk shows are
:19:20. > :19:26.way advanced. I've always wanted to met a movie star and ask one
:19:26. > :19:29.question and one question only - Make it a good one. You see like
:19:29. > :19:34.sometimes when they do love scenes, do they do them for real
:19:34. > :19:44.sometimes... Sometimes? LAUGHTER
:19:44. > :19:45.
:19:45. > :19:51.They must do. It looks a bit real. Here's the thing I think it would
:19:51. > :19:59.be impossible if, I mean, I mean I don't know if maybe some, I mean...
:19:59. > :20:03.I, not in my experience... audition certainly. I have a
:20:03. > :20:07.feeling that it's so technical I would think that... You know
:20:07. > :20:17.there's all these gaffers and lighting guys. What about a married
:20:17. > :20:18.
:20:18. > :20:25.couple like... Definitely not! What are you talking about? Another
:20:25. > :20:31.thing I wantsed to ask a really big American movie star... Inspired by
:20:31. > :20:40.that. Inspired by that of course. Oh, no. Is dogging really big in
:20:40. > :20:46.the USA. ? I don't know what that is.
:20:46. > :20:50.don't want to know. Is it illegal? Illegal? Ah... I think it's illegal.
:20:50. > :20:59.If the police pulled up, they wouldn't join in, would they?
:20:59. > :21:02.LAUGHTER Often people are saying tell us a
:21:02. > :21:06.funny story, the truth is honestly, all the funny stories are in the
:21:06. > :21:10.film. What we try to do every day is look at the scenario and try and
:21:10. > :21:14.find a witty way, things that made us laugh. Actually there is one
:21:14. > :21:21.funny story. I'm going to remind you of it and you can tell it.
:21:21. > :21:24.yeah! Chat show gold.
:21:24. > :21:34.You tell it. We're both going to tell it. I'll tell it.
:21:34. > :21:35.
:21:35. > :21:41.APPLAUSE So they're shooting this scene
:21:42. > :21:47.where a guy comes in right. He had forgotten to wear any underwear.
:21:47. > :21:53.Then you take it from there. Then there was an explosion - no,
:21:53. > :21:58.there was a scene where we walk into a room of carnage. There's all
:21:58. > :22:02.these rubber bodies strewn around, fake dummy bodies that are
:22:02. > :22:10.impossible positions. Covered in blood. And Robert goes "Check this
:22:10. > :22:18.out. This will be funny." There's a big hand lying there and he steps
:22:18. > :22:25.on the hand and someone yells "Cut!" For the love of God.
:22:25. > :22:29.thing I love is that a lot of actors moan about living in hotels,
:22:29. > :22:34.but presumably you quite like it. You grew up in hotels. I did. My
:22:34. > :22:39.dad's here. I can't see him though. But he's here. Keeping very quiet
:22:39. > :22:45.now. There he is! That's my dad! Yay dad.
:22:45. > :22:49.APPLAUSE My dad was a hotel manager. So we
:22:49. > :22:53.grew up in hotels. Is it a nice life? Presumably you don't clean up
:22:54. > :22:57.or anything? Well, yeah, it's very nice. I didn't know anything else.
:22:57. > :23:05.Did you ever have an argument with your parents, where they go "You
:23:05. > :23:14.treat this house like a ho... Oh. "How old were you when you got out
:23:14. > :23:17.of hotels? Dad? 13. No. We moved into... Stop talking to my dad.
:23:17. > :23:20.You're allowed to talk to your father. When we moved back to
:23:20. > :23:27.London it was like when I was seven-and-a-half. Oh, really, OK.
:23:27. > :23:34.Yeah. Is this comfortable for you, this conversation. It's more or
:23:34. > :23:39.less comfortable with watching your daughter that's about sex addiction.
:23:39. > :23:47.Has your dad seen it? No, dad's not aloud. I'm in the a father, but
:23:47. > :23:51.really don't see it. I can't imagine a father enjoying it.
:23:52. > :23:57.I'm embarrassed for you. There's nothing worse than that.
:23:57. > :24:01.It's very good. She's nominated for an Oscar. You'll enjoy that.
:24:01. > :24:08.don't watch other people having sex with my mum and dad, so... People
:24:08. > :24:17.having sex with your mum and dad? LAUGHTER
:24:17. > :24:26.There he is. LAUGHTER
:24:26. > :24:35.Who's that man? Hi. Hi. Hi, I'm being calibrated. It's not painful.
:24:35. > :24:44.I had a pre-Med. I feel great actually. Don't touch
:24:44. > :24:48.me there. Are we ready to see Rob now? OK. So
:24:48. > :24:55.there's Rob back there and then this is Rob as a cartoon.
:24:55. > :25:02.How are you doing, all right? Yeah, nice to see you. He can now appear
:25:02. > :25:10.here. Oh, that's adorable. Who's the best
:25:11. > :25:14.panda? I'm the best panda. Oh, lovely. Let's put you on the
:25:14. > :25:23.sofa. Go and stand on the sofa. There you
:25:23. > :25:28.are! Look, Jamie's so good at it. Look at Jamie. Hello Kate, how are
:25:28. > :25:34.you doing, all right. I'm fine. was looking round back stage, I
:25:34. > :25:44.found a bra, love, is it yours? Let's do a bit of dancing. Let's
:25:44. > :25:51.
:25:51. > :26:01.Well done Rob. Well done panda. Beautiful.
:26:01. > :26:05.APPLAUSE Now, girls loved you so much, but
:26:05. > :26:09.the boyfriends didn't like you, which led to problems. Was it with
:26:09. > :26:14.the Drifters before the Shadows. remember playing the Lyceum
:26:14. > :26:22.Ballroom in London. They had a revolving stages. We were going to
:26:22. > :26:29.play Elvis's Baby I Don't Care. Then all these cheese rolls came
:26:29. > :26:39.flying up. I never sang a note. The thing revolved, we got off, we got
:26:39. > :26:40.
:26:40. > :26:44.paid and went home. APPLAUSE
:26:44. > :26:49.I didn't realise until you read this you were in a boy band, you
:26:49. > :26:53.were in two. In school. I was really serious about it. I thought
:26:53. > :26:57.this was, yeah, that was what I thought, that's all I ever wanted
:26:57. > :27:01.to do. What was the first one called? The first bad was called
:27:01. > :27:08.Full Frontal. LAUGHTER
:27:08. > :27:12.I mean I say we were a boy band, it was me and four mates. We told
:27:12. > :27:22.people we were a band. We didn't have any songs and we didn't do any
:27:22. > :27:22.
:27:22. > :27:31.dancing. Then my second boy band, we were called Insatiable. Why?
:27:31. > :27:36.Because you just can't get enough. We used to rehearse all the time.
:27:36. > :27:43.You did Giggs. Seriously did play? We were a boy band. We sung and
:27:43. > :27:46.dance. We were like the Back Street Boys. OK. If they were worse.
:27:46. > :27:52.And yeah, we like had original songs. We would do dance routines.
:27:52. > :27:56.We played about eight gigs. I mean, three of them were like at Gav's
:27:56. > :28:00.mum's barbeque, you know what I mean? Not like proper Giggs. We
:28:00. > :28:05.took it seriously. Some of the lyrics are in here, do you remember
:28:05. > :28:15.some of the lyrics? Yeah, I wrote them. Do you remember the lyrics to
:28:15. > :28:17.
:28:17. > :28:21.Girl Are You Ready?ment Brace yourself. Wait till you hear the
:28:21. > :28:25.lyrics. I remember saying to a guy called Matt who played key boards.
:28:25. > :28:30.We wrote the songs together. He wouldn't be on stage. And I
:28:30. > :28:39.remember saying to him, this is how seriously I took it, I said "We
:28:39. > :28:45.need like a song that's like a chant that's as big as Let's Get
:28:45. > :28:51.Ready to Rumble." And the song was called Girl Are You Ready?. It
:28:51. > :28:54.went... It went, # Girl are you? Just tell me when
:28:54. > :28:58.you're ready # Girl are you ready?
:28:58. > :29:00.# I ain't gonna rush you # Girl get ready we're about to go
:29:00. > :29:10.steady # Girl are you ready?
:29:10. > :29:20.# I ain't gonna rush you # APPLAUSE
:29:20. > :29:22.
:29:22. > :29:26.And, Frodo you'll love this, this one here Aston Merrygold. He lives
:29:26. > :29:35.in Hobbiton. He was discovered in Middle Earth's
:29:35. > :29:40.Got Talent. APPLAUSE
:29:40. > :29:50.JLS very excitingly they have their own range of condoms everybody.
:29:50. > :29:58.
:29:58. > :30:02.CHEERING Nice. Who sells best? He does.
:30:03. > :30:08.merry gold number four. Presumably you have these all in your lockers.
:30:08. > :30:11.Let me just get my condoms. That's a cool thing. They should sell
:30:11. > :30:15.personalised condoms, it's good. You know the way, they're more
:30:15. > :30:25.sensitive or better lubrication or that. The big selling point on
:30:25. > :30:25.
:30:25. > :30:35.these ones is smells better. That's wonderful. How bad were they
:30:35. > :30:35.
:30:35. > :30:43.before, boys? What is that smell? Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
:30:43. > :30:47.Now people are going it smells like a Merrygold. You talk in the book,
:30:47. > :30:53.where is it, you talk the looks you have to do as a model. Yes.
:30:53. > :30:57.list them. The looks you did - baby doll, OK, gawky schoolgirl, bride
:30:57. > :31:06.to be, yeah, get it, young mum, sophisticated hostess, person
:31:06. > :31:11.laughing at fruit. Yes. We always had to be seen laughing at, you
:31:11. > :31:17.have some fruit here. If there was fruit, and I was in my picture,
:31:17. > :31:27.probably in a knitted thing, I'd be going like this. And sometimes
:31:27. > :31:28.
:31:28. > :31:34.surprised by fruit. APPLAUSE
:31:34. > :31:40.Very good. Can I tell you a story about a faux pas I made. In America
:31:41. > :31:46.they call their arse, their ass. Where I come from we call our house
:31:46. > :31:52.our 'ass. So get ready I took a girl out and on the way home I
:31:52. > :32:01.stopped her and I said, when we get back, what are the chances of me
:32:01. > :32:09.coming in your 'ass. APPLAUSE
:32:09. > :32:13.It was a Jen wib -- genuine mistake. I know she said "Oh, yeah you can
:32:13. > :32:17.come. I had to reassure you. I won't try and kiss you. You know
:32:17. > :32:20.that's the sort of mistake you can make over there. They cannot
:32:20. > :32:27.understand a word... And Americans are so nice, you're speaking for a
:32:27. > :32:31.little while. They go "I'm sorry?" Eventually they just go... You know
:32:31. > :32:36.they don't understand a word. OK, OK fine, yeah, I'll see you, take
:32:36. > :32:45.care. Anyone else broken anything? I had
:32:45. > :32:55.an injury. I got a rubber stuck up my nose.
:32:55. > :32:58.
:32:58. > :33:03.An eraser. No. I heard something else.
:33:03. > :33:06.That would have been a really good injury.
:33:06. > :33:16.LAUGHTER The "how that happened" bit of the
:33:16. > :33:23.story would have been different. It was his first time... Did you do it
:33:23. > :33:28.yourself or did someone shove it up there? My brother dared me to put a
:33:29. > :33:32.pencil up my nose, do you know the yellow ones with the pink ones?
:33:32. > :33:41.He told me I couldn't take it out because it would erase my memories.
:33:41. > :33:45.LAUGHTER Oh, wow.
:33:45. > :33:53.You have a really clever diet plan which you go into in the book.
:33:53. > :33:58.Talk us through that. It's called, yeah,... It is a good idea. It's a
:33:58. > :34:03.clever idea actually. It happened to me in America. I was in America
:34:03. > :34:10.in Boca Raton, you might know that, near Miami. A guy gave me some
:34:10. > :34:17.clams. He had a little fork with clams. I thought I would embark
:34:17. > :34:21.upon eating the main course using this little fork. My wife looked at
:34:21. > :34:27.me like mad. "What are you doing?" Don't worry, I'm working on
:34:27. > :34:32.something here. I'm eating with this little fork. It occurred to me
:34:32. > :34:36.that it took me ages to get halfway through the plate of food, by which
:34:36. > :34:44.time the brain was telling me you're actually full up. So it's
:34:44. > :34:49.the little fork diet. Carry a little fork around, you try it.
:34:50. > :34:52.you finding it difficult to find the little fork diet? Lord Sugar
:34:52. > :34:59.helpfully provides an illustration of the difference between a large
:34:59. > :35:06.and small fork. No stone left unturned.
:35:06. > :35:09.LAUGHTER Did you have a weight scare
:35:09. > :35:14.recently? Scare is a good word. There's different ways you know
:35:14. > :35:18.you've put weight on, your clothes don't fit or you're crying a lot.
:35:18. > :35:23.But there's a new one, in case you don't know, there's a new one,
:35:23. > :35:27.because everybody doesn't know, that sounded terrible like I was
:35:27. > :35:31.just aiming it just at you. thought you were. There's a block
:35:31. > :35:34.of flats where my boyfriend lives. There's a car park round the back.
:35:35. > :35:42.There's a barrier that lifts up to get into the car park. When it
:35:42. > :35:46.senses a car is near. LAUGHTER
:35:46. > :35:54.I had two big bags of shopping, you know, but it still thought I was
:35:54. > :35:58.like a Peugeot 206. Johnny everyone thinks he's shy, OK, but he wasn't
:35:58. > :36:05.shy this day. He's got a wicked sense of humour. If people knew
:36:05. > :36:10.what he was really like, his career would be over.
:36:10. > :36:14.So in one scene, I'm helping, I'm sort of helping Warwick get shoved
:36:14. > :36:18.down a toilet, as you do. I'm bending his legs in. I'm going,
:36:18. > :36:23.it's all right, if it breaks we'll get another one in. I'm pushing him
:36:24. > :36:30.down the toilet. I'm laughing. Warwick's laughing. Warwick goes
:36:30. > :36:38."Look at Johnny." He goes -- I turn around and he goes "You don't mind
:36:39. > :36:47.if I master bait while you're doing this?" Someone took a picture of
:36:47. > :36:57.the moment but he'd stopped by then. I think we have the picture.
:36:57. > :36:58.
:36:58. > :37:07.Is that why you were laughing so hard? I'd finished by then.
:37:07. > :37:12.I think seven positions. OK. First of all you put this leg over here.
:37:12. > :37:14.Then just let it... I'm doing exactly what you're doing, don't
:37:14. > :37:20.laugh at me. Get comfortable and laugh at me. Get comfortable and
:37:20. > :37:30.relax. This is the first position. Hang on. Wouldn't it have been
:37:30. > :37:38.awful if I killed Antonio. Here we go. First position. That's first.
:37:38. > :37:44.Then... That's not that bad. First and second, third, and fourth.
:37:44. > :37:49.Fifth. I've cut my own leg. Sixth and then a fancy one in case
:37:49. > :37:59.someone attack you in the back like this. Oh, my gosh you're -- Oh, my
:37:59. > :38:02.
:38:02. > :38:09.He was a brilliant soccer player. You could have been a professional?
:38:09. > :38:13.I could have. But I broke my left foot when I was 15 years old.
:38:13. > :38:19.you used to be, weren't you good enough to be an Olympic gymnast?
:38:19. > :38:23.That's true. APPLAUSE
:38:23. > :38:29.You could have been a professional footballer, but there's one man in
:38:29. > :38:33.every pub who had trials for Spurs. That is just the law. You could
:38:33. > :38:38.have been an Olympic gymnast. That's probably more information
:38:38. > :38:43.than you want. I had a thing about gymnasts.Ive always fantasised
:38:43. > :38:47.about having sex with gymnasts, not only because they're bendy and
:38:47. > :38:54.flexible, but also because they do amazing dismounts. I just imagine...
:38:54. > :39:00.LAUGHTER That is funny. I imagine after sex
:39:00. > :39:03.you would be by the side of the bed like that.
:39:03. > :39:11.And if you bend your legs even just a little bit, I could make you do
:39:11. > :39:15.it again. That is funny. This is perfectly
:39:15. > :39:25.timed photos.com. I wonder what it's of. This is a lady playing
:39:25. > :39:32.
:39:32. > :39:37.LAUGHTER You think that's bad. Wait...
:39:37. > :39:41.has a smile on her face. She's smiling now. That's why it's
:39:41. > :39:47.perfectlytimedphotos.com. Wait till you see the next one. Apparently
:39:47. > :39:57.everyone's fine by the way. No-one got hurt in these. Check that out.
:39:57. > :39:57.
:39:58. > :40:02.Whoa! LAUGHTER
:40:02. > :40:09.Doesn't it slightly look like the girl has just told a joke and the
:40:09. > :40:18.dog is going... That's the funniest thing ever.
:40:18. > :40:28.A cat you say? Ha-ha. She looked a bit like the dog is going "Wait I
:40:28. > :40:29.
:40:29. > :40:33.need to sneeze." And finally, this is just a brilliant one of somebody
:40:33. > :40:43.being taken by surprise by Anand mall. Here we go.
:40:43. > :40:45.
:40:45. > :40:51.-- an animal. Here we go. Very good. Well done.
:40:51. > :40:58.APPLAUSE Now we're going to say hello to the
:40:58. > :41:08.stars of the new dramatic film William and date the movie. I love
:41:08. > :41:09.
:41:09. > :41:19.you. You do? I love you too. I love the private you. I love the public
:41:19. > :41:26.
:41:26. > :41:32.you. And I love the you that no-one Obviously you're fabulous in the
:41:33. > :41:38.film, very, very good. BAFTA. But there is someone on the sofa an
:41:38. > :41:42.aspiring actress, who has lived the life of Kate Middleton, I give you
:41:42. > :41:47.dame Miranda Hart. So would you like to have a little
:41:47. > :41:52.go, we have the lines, they're on the camera there. Oh, lovely.
:41:52. > :41:58.you recreate that scene from the film. Oh, my God. This is sosta.
:41:58. > :42:06.The sofa will be played by a sofa. You read your lines off there. You
:42:06. > :42:16.read from there. Shall I sit with smila so she doesn't feel left out?
:42:16. > :42:17.
:42:17. > :42:25.-- Camilla. You can do that scene that was cut outment -- out. So
:42:25. > :42:30.I'll put a little fire here. So now, cut to this shot. There they are
:42:30. > :42:37.with the fire. So, do we have a romantic little... There it is! Oh,
:42:37. > :42:44.lovely. Thanks for coming around Adele.
:42:44. > :42:54.That's nice. Right. OK. Nico have you brushed your teeth, I hope you
:42:54. > :42:59.
:42:59. > :43:09.have. We know what happens at the Lovely. OK. And action! We're
:43:09. > :43:17.
:43:17. > :43:27.supposed to be studying. I am. so good.
:43:27. > :43:53.