:00:11. > :00:14.I don't know, but I have been told # I don't know, but I have been
:00:14. > :00:17.told - # Tonight's show will be chat show
:00:17. > :00:20.gold # Tonight's show will be chat show
:00:20. > :00:24.gold # The guests are back
:00:24. > :00:34.# They're ready to go # It's time to start the show
:00:34. > :00:49.
:00:49. > :00:57.# It's time to start the show # Oh! Oh, oh! Oh! Hello, everybody!
:00:57. > :01:02.Welcome.. Had He laughs) Oh, more tired than I thought being
:01:02. > :01:03.a Marine. Yes, we've got our marching orders because the star of
:01:03. > :01:09.Private Benjamin, Goldie Hawn, is here.
:01:09. > :01:14.APPLAUSE And making his first visit to the
:01:14. > :01:18.show, one of my favourite actors, High Fidelity and Con Air star John
:01:18. > :01:20.Cusack is here. Yes. APPLAUSE
:01:20. > :01:25.The always hilarious Marcus Brigstocke is on the show.
:01:26. > :01:30.APPLAUSE Plus, we have music from the best
:01:31. > :01:39.British band in this week's NME Awards. Kasabian are here. Kasabian,
:01:39. > :01:45.so cool! So cool, really cool, man, yeah, a big band! Now, looking
:01:45. > :01:50.forward to meeting John Cusack. He has been in so many great films,
:01:50. > :01:53.including the climate change epic 2012 - oh! 2012 - it was all about
:01:53. > :01:57.the world ending in 20 - well, that's this year.
:01:57. > :02:02.LAUGHTER Jesus, God. What are we doing here?
:02:02. > :02:07.The film explains how this year - this year - climate change will
:02:07. > :02:12.destroy the planet. It will be massive volcanic activity,
:02:12. > :02:16.earthquakes, floods, but on the plus side, hasn't it been a lovely
:02:16. > :02:19.February? Hasn't it? Really unseasonably warm, wasn't it? I
:02:19. > :02:24.have seen daffodils, I have. I have! In the film, the end of the
:02:24. > :02:29.world is triggered by a megatsunami - it is. It is. Now, I don't know
:02:29. > :02:31.exactly what will cause the massive tidal wave in 2012, but here is
:02:31. > :02:39.Bulgaria's high-diving team for the Olympics.
:02:39. > :02:44.LAUGHTER Oh, Tom Daley's let himself go,
:02:44. > :02:48.hasn't he? One whiff of puberty - bluh! The moral of 2012 is, we've
:02:48. > :02:53.got to look after the planet. We do. There is a lot of energy-saving
:02:53. > :02:57.advice around - keep the lights off. Keep the air conditions off, don't
:02:57. > :03:02.wash, only eat cold food - basically, go on a Costa cruise.
:03:02. > :03:06.LAUGHTER Got to feel sorry for them. Poor
:03:06. > :03:09.things. Now, the other thing you can do is
:03:09. > :03:15.give your garden a Mediterranean make-over, yeah. That's what I've
:03:15. > :03:17.done. I have. I have put in an olive tree, a lemon tree, a man
:03:17. > :03:23.called Miguel - LAUGHTER
:03:23. > :03:28.Let's get some guests on, ladies and gentlemen. Later on, we're
:03:28. > :03:33.going to meet Kasabian. But first, he's a very funny stand-up - it's
:03:33. > :03:39.Marcus Brigstocke. There he is. Hello, sir. Hello. Very good to see
:03:39. > :03:43.you. Really nice to see you. Have a seat. Have a seat. I am very well.
:03:43. > :03:49.Here's Johnny! It's the man of the night, John Cusack! Oh, oh, oh!
:03:49. > :03:52.Really nice to meet you. And you. Absolutely. Welcome to Marcus
:03:52. > :03:59.Brigstocke. And I am so excited I've got the Hawn - it's Goldie
:03:59. > :04:09.Hawn. APPLAUSE
:04:09. > :04:10.
:04:11. > :04:17.So nice to see you! There you go. A sandwich. Sit yourself down. Lovely.
:04:17. > :04:21.Oh - I brought my little glass just in case. Phew, for emergencies.
:04:21. > :04:26.were the first person I was aware of fancying, and I was only seven.
:04:26. > :04:30.Oh, my God. When I saw Private Benjamin. It was a non-sexual thing.
:04:30. > :04:39.Me too. I saw Private Benjamin, and I just felt like I wanted to be
:04:39. > :04:46.near you. Oh, that's so sweet! serious. And now look! You're
:04:46. > :04:51.blushing. You're blushing, Marcus. I'm so not blushing. Do you still
:04:51. > :04:57.have the uniform or no? I just threw those pants out awhile ago.
:04:57. > :04:59.Really? Oh, I loved those pants. Was there a sequel to Private
:04:59. > :05:03.Benjamin? # No, there wasn't
:05:03. > :05:08.# No there was! # No, there was no sequel. They're trying to make it
:05:08. > :05:13.over again now. Oh, no. Or a remake of it, and then there was actually
:05:13. > :05:17.a TV show they did. The original Private Benjamin - does that end up
:05:17. > :05:22.in France? Yes, it does. Oh, how weird because I watched that second
:05:22. > :05:27.half of it in a hotel recently and thought this must be a sequel.
:05:27. > :05:35.France - in whatever that place is - not Paris but... Geneva...
:05:35. > :05:40.Versailles... Another part of France. Burgundy. Disney World...
:05:40. > :05:43.No, it's where the seat of the Government is, where the seat of...
:05:44. > :05:53.Brussels. That's not France. That's Belgium.
:05:53. > :05:59.Close, though. Stick to Paris. I love Paris.
:05:59. > :06:03.an exciting week. We have an Oscar winner amongst our midst. Did you
:06:03. > :06:07.go this year? No, I didn't go this year. I was in my fabulous
:06:07. > :06:12.comfortable clothes with my family and friends, and we watched it
:06:12. > :06:17.which is my favourite thing to do - no hair no, makeup, lots of wine,
:06:17. > :06:21.lots of laughs in our back room. You don't seem like you like awards
:06:21. > :06:25.shows. Have you taken against them? No. I like some of the movies. I
:06:25. > :06:29.don't like hype about movies. I like to actually just watch the
:06:29. > :06:33.movies. And sometimes around Oscar time, they take a big shotgun and
:06:33. > :06:36.load up all of their marketing money and start blowing the movie
:06:36. > :06:42.at you, and it's kind of nice to see the movie on its own terms.
:06:42. > :06:48.Sometimes when you see those big winning movies, you're like, really,
:06:48. > :06:53.this? This is the beginning -- winning movie? Like this year.
:06:53. > :07:00.was one of those? I don't - what would you vote for? You probably
:07:00. > :07:04.did vote. I did vote. What did you vote for? The Artist. Did you?
:07:04. > :07:09.thought The Artist was extraordinary. It was a great film
:07:09. > :07:14.- innovative and interesting and well-directed and beautifully
:07:14. > :07:17.scored. It was a sensual experience all the way around - emotional and
:07:17. > :07:21.physical - emotionally, physically - you know? The sound was all
:07:21. > :07:24.aCongress when I went. You couldn't... It was? It was good
:07:24. > :07:30.otherwise. LAUGHTER
:07:30. > :07:34.I liked it. I thought it was... "I liked it"? So you weren't uplifted
:07:34. > :07:40.by it? No. I am saying you're reacting to the hype of the movie,
:07:40. > :07:45.not the movie. Exactly. (CRASH)
:07:45. > :07:48.How big was that handbag? Have you come out with a fringe?
:07:48. > :07:53.LAUGHTER Fantastic that while we're talking
:07:53. > :07:59.about a silent film, an almighty clunk... When you're at the Oscars,
:07:59. > :08:03.the big story, oddly, was Angelina Jolie's leg. Did you see this? It's
:08:03. > :08:08.been a... I have seen it before. LAUGHTER
:08:08. > :08:14.I was in a movie with her, so I saw that. Just in case you have
:08:14. > :08:21.forgotten her leg - she looks like a pirate Queen or something: it's a
:08:21. > :08:24.very odd look. That's definitely her leg? Definitely. That happened
:08:24. > :08:34.on Sunday. By morning, the internet had doctored it to produce this.
:08:34. > :08:42.
:08:42. > :08:48.That's like a pleaa. I was just going to say that. It's a Demi-
:08:48. > :08:54.pleaa. Dance is her life. But now her legs are on An twitter account.
:08:54. > :08:59.They have a Twitter account. Just the one leg. And Angelina Jolie -
:08:59. > :09:03.legs? There is a thing now called leg bombing where Angelina Jolie's
:09:03. > :09:13.leg is Photoshoped on to other people. So we have some examples of
:09:13. > :09:19.
:09:19. > :09:25.Sexy, right? I love this one - they also went through history. They
:09:25. > :09:29.went back in time. It really works. Yes. Yeah. Not everyone got the
:09:29. > :09:32.idea of the leg bombing, though, because, like, this one -
:09:32. > :09:41.LAUGHTER See, that wouldn't have happened.
:09:41. > :09:45.No. That's a stupid - yeah. What's she doing on the moon? Like a
:09:45. > :09:51.Clanger! Then finally some geek at home - "You know what would be
:09:51. > :10:01.great - if I could match her leg up precisely with one of the legs on
:10:01. > :10:04.
:10:04. > :10:09.Black Beauty - that would be Yeah. It was a move definitely.
:10:09. > :10:15.The... Yeah. I mean, you have to negotiate - like, the dress was
:10:15. > :10:18.designed for that, but your leg and your brain have to work together to
:10:18. > :10:28.know where the entrance is to the opening of -
:10:28. > :10:41.
:10:41. > :10:45.So - and furthermore! LAUGHTER
:10:45. > :10:53.That's like an acceptance speech. Anyway, I thought she did a great
:10:53. > :10:57.job. She looked lovely. It's odd to see a leg hanging in space. I had
:10:57. > :11:01.one thrown at me. Did you? A leg, yeah. I did a show in Birmingham
:11:01. > :11:02.many years ago. I thought it was going pretty well, but the audience
:11:03. > :11:08.weren't totally on side with that. LAUGHTER
:11:08. > :11:13.A guy was so angry, he decided he wasn't going to bother heckling. He
:11:13. > :11:19.took off his prosthetic leg and just flung it at me. No? Seriously.
:11:19. > :11:25.If that's true, I think that makes you one of the greatest comedians
:11:25. > :11:29.ever. Bless your heart. That's true. It sounds like it might be true.
:11:29. > :11:36.It's totally true. That's the worst best thing I have ever heard.
:11:36. > :11:40.host of the show, a very, very funny guy, he had this material - I
:11:40. > :11:45.was on with this guy, Marcus Brigstocke and he had a leg thrown
:11:45. > :11:50.- made routine out of it. A year later I went on stage at Gloucester,
:11:51. > :11:55.and before it started, John had been on the week before, someone on
:11:55. > :12:05.this side said, "Did you have a leg thrown at you once?" I said "Yes,
:12:05. > :12:07.
:12:07. > :12:11.as it happens, I did." While I was talking to him, boom, like a Rafter.
:12:11. > :12:17.That'll teach you. You'll be known throughout your career of having
:12:17. > :12:24.all of these artificial legs thrown at you. Rogue legs. You worked with
:12:24. > :12:27.Angelina Jolie and got to do the kissing - Pushing Tin? Yes. As good
:12:27. > :12:33.as advertised? It was acting. It was a nice day at the office - I
:12:33. > :12:36.think that's a nice way to say it, don't you think, right? Being a
:12:36. > :12:41.gentleman. Nice day at the office - pretty much what it's like.
:12:41. > :12:45.have kissed your husband - not your husband, but Curt on screen? Yes.
:12:45. > :12:51.That movie we did together - Swing Shift was where we fell in love.
:12:51. > :12:56.That's more than acting. That's more than acting. I kissed Angelina
:12:56. > :12:59.Jolie, and she fell in love with Billy Bob Thornton. I don't know
:12:59. > :13:01.what that says about me. That's weird, document it? That still eats
:13:01. > :13:05.away at you, doesn't it? LAUGHTER
:13:05. > :13:09.No, but that was - when you kiss on screen - your second day at the
:13:09. > :13:13.office - it really is, because you kiss, but even though you're
:13:14. > :13:17.falling in love, right, or that you're kissing offcamera, if you
:13:17. > :13:23.will, once you're on camera, you don't really feel that. You're just
:13:23. > :13:28.really hitting the mark and being there and so on. Curt and I were
:13:28. > :13:35.doing a love scene, a hot and heavy love scene. He's making love to me.
:13:35. > :13:41.We're lying down and kissing. He was supposed to off camera pull my
:13:41. > :13:44.panties up. We don't need to get the pineapple, do we? Get the
:13:44. > :13:49.pineapple ready! Just in case. LAUGHTER
:13:49. > :13:55.Pineapple is on standby. It's on standby. So what happened was that
:13:55. > :14:01.when I did that - no. When I was - he - I was leaning down, and he
:14:01. > :14:06.pulls my underpants off, right? But he didn't realise that I had
:14:06. > :14:10.another pair of underpants on, so now it became that clown where you
:14:10. > :14:14.kept pulling the underpants off one after the other, and it was a break
:14:14. > :14:18.for lunch laugh. I mean, we couldn't stop laughing, so you'd
:14:18. > :14:23.think that when people are kissing like that they're actually into it,
:14:23. > :14:29.but you're not - even if you are in love. Ahh! Was that a good story?
:14:29. > :14:34.Yes, it was. It involved someone pulling your pants off. What's not
:14:34. > :14:38.to enjoy? What I'm really hoping is that the first time I picked up the
:14:38. > :14:48.pineapple doesn't make the edit so it just cuts to you telling that
:14:48. > :14:49.
:14:49. > :14:53.story, and for no reason at all - I would be looking for an
:14:53. > :14:58.artificial leg to throw at you at the end of the show. We should have
:14:58. > :15:04.thought of that. What a lazy week we've had at the August. Marcus,
:15:04. > :15:09.put that pine ap apple down otherwise the show is impossible.
:15:09. > :15:14.We've lost control. Just keep lifting up different bits of fruit.
:15:14. > :15:21.We must get down to business. It's chaty chaty. Your film, sir. The
:15:21. > :15:28.Raven, it's out on Friday 9th March. Yes. It has elements of horror.
:15:28. > :15:36.It's like a gothic thriller. Yes. Is that fair? It's the Godfather of
:15:36. > :15:41.Goth he invented the detective Johnray, among other things. He was
:15:41. > :15:44.a real literary giant. The story is about him in the last four days of
:15:44. > :15:48.his life. No-one know what is happened to him in the last four
:15:48. > :15:55.days of his life. The story fictionalises that there was a
:15:55. > :16:03.serial killer who recreated his stories. The police thought Poe did
:16:03. > :16:08.it. Have you to use Poe to deacon instruct his own 120-- story.
:16:09. > :16:14.Unbelievable stuff. It covers these last four days. Is that pure
:16:14. > :16:19.imagination the story? Nobody knows what happened to him. He woke up in
:16:19. > :16:28.someone else's clothes on a park bench, muttering something about
:16:28. > :16:35.Reynolds. Did he take Ambion? don't think... A combination he was
:16:35. > :16:40.known to be overserved. I see. was a big drinker. I hear you, John.
:16:40. > :16:46.We have a little clip. It's near the beginning when the police
:16:46. > :16:56.inspector is filling out -- figuring out... Luke Evans.
:16:56. > :17:01.Terrific actor. Am I under arrest? No. Not as yet. I'd rather stand
:17:02. > :17:06.because it makes it easier to leave. I am license I am a reader of your
:17:06. > :17:12.work. I admit that many of my admirers have tkwon gone to great
:17:12. > :17:17.lengths to meet me. I didn't see I was an admirer. Yet, you read them?
:17:17. > :17:24.The night before last a young girl and a mother were found murdered.
:17:24. > :17:30.The daughter's body was lodgeed in a chimney. The mother's head was
:17:30. > :17:40.severed with a razor. Does any of this sound familiar to you, Mr Poe?
:17:40. > :17:46.
:17:46. > :17:51.You are talking about my story. Work of fiction. I'm afraid I'm not.
:17:51. > :17:57.APPLAUSE People shouldn't get a wrong idea.
:17:57. > :18:00.There is a lot of action in the movie, fighting, running, dancing,
:18:00. > :18:05.horse riding. Do you enjoy all that? Does it come easy to you?
:18:05. > :18:11.you get a chance to do physical stuff it's great. Usually, it's,
:18:11. > :18:15.you know, you have to gate good movie to do good stuff in. You like
:18:16. > :18:18.extreme sports? Before I get too old it's nice to move around.
:18:18. > :18:23.extreme sports, some of the stuff you have done. Didn't you drive,
:18:23. > :18:28.was it a helicopter or a plane you drove into a her kain? Well, I got
:18:28. > :18:32.on board, there is a... Every time there is a hurricane the National
:18:32. > :18:36.Weather Service flies planes into the hurricanes. They are called the
:18:36. > :18:41.hurricane hunters. They drop balls that have something in it that
:18:41. > :18:46.attracts the hurricane. For a bet? To track the hurricanes they drop
:18:46. > :18:49.the radar things and they keep flying hurricanes planes through
:18:49. > :18:56.the hurricanes. I decided it would be a good idea to hitch a ride on
:18:56. > :19:01.one of the planes. Do they do the same announcements like, "please
:19:01. > :19:04.fasten your seatbelts we're experiencing a hurricane?"
:19:04. > :19:12.wasn't really very comforting. I went to the front of the plane.
:19:12. > :19:17.There are these old planes from the 60s, propel Orleans not jet engines.
:19:17. > :19:21.They do better in hurricanes for some reason They are less expensive
:19:21. > :19:27.when they crash. There was something hanging off the nose of.
:19:27. > :19:32.It it was masking tape. They were like "yeah, it's called hurricane
:19:32. > :19:40.metal". I was like "OK". They fly them every hurricane. There was
:19:40. > :19:45.always one going through it. Was it bumpy? It was kind of bumpy.
:19:45. > :19:53.Serious turbulence or middle turbulence? The most turbulence.
:19:53. > :19:59.You should try Ryanair. It's similar. There are no seats. Do you
:19:59. > :20:09.do extreme sports? I cross country ski and down hill ski I'm cautious.
:20:09. > :20:09.
:20:09. > :20:15.Marcus, I never imagined you are sporty, but you are? Well... You do
:20:15. > :20:22.wake boarding. We have proof of weight boarding. Yeah, look at that.
:20:22. > :20:28.Are you skiing behind a car ferry. What is that rope attached to?
:20:28. > :20:32.very tall, very fast swimmer. No, it's up... When you're weight
:20:32. > :20:38.boarding there is a pole on the back of the boat. When you hate the
:20:38. > :20:43.wake and do your jumps you are lifted up. Someone asked me to do
:20:43. > :20:47.that with the parachute on the wake board. That looks like... Kite
:20:47. > :20:50.boarding. I'm diing to do that. That looks like it would kill you.
:20:50. > :20:54.You think it would rip your arms off. That is what I don't
:20:54. > :20:59.understand. You will be torn apart. Most of the pull on that you're
:20:59. > :21:05.strapped on to a har necessary. With that one, with weight boarding
:21:05. > :21:10.you have to hold on yourself. you skydived or jumped out of an
:21:10. > :21:16.aeroplane. I did the bungy thing. fell down an escalator. It's all
:21:16. > :21:21.right. It takes you back up so... Where did you bungy jump? I can't
:21:21. > :21:28.remember the area. They had a huge thing. They lifted you up. You had
:21:28. > :21:32.to self-release. Then you fall. I thought, "I'm not going to do this
:21:32. > :21:40.again". The popularity of bungy jumping must have gone down after
:21:40. > :21:46.the woman who bungy jumped when the chord snapped. She went down the
:21:46. > :21:50.river with her feet bound together. You say ahh that is a sad story. If
:21:51. > :21:56.someone dies on the top of Mount Everest I don't feel sorry for them.
:21:56. > :22:02.You are not supposed to be up there. I'm sorry, you decided to go up
:22:02. > :22:08.there. Human beings... They should not be bungy jumping over a
:22:08. > :22:14.crocodile invested river and a bad thing happens. I wish them well.
:22:14. > :22:18.She did survive. Yes. Bits of her did anyway. You love the
:22:18. > :22:25.snowboarding? Snowboarding is the big thing. That I'm obsessed with.
:22:25. > :22:30.I love it. The altitude festival, when I was a club comic years ago I
:22:30. > :22:34.figured out that a week off work to go snowboarding was expensive. I
:22:34. > :22:40.called a guy in the Alps I said, how come I tell jokes and you pay
:22:40. > :22:50.for me to go sliding? I do it now every year. For 11 years. That is a
:22:50. > :22:51.
:22:51. > :22:56.big festival. This year Altitude has Jimmy, Carr. FrankieBoyle...
:22:56. > :23:02.I'm a long way down that list, whatever! It's great. All the
:23:02. > :23:06.comics go up on the hill and ride... Tell jokes in the evening. Perfect.
:23:06. > :23:14.Will this be the stuff you are doing in Edinburgh? I'm writing a
:23:14. > :23:17.new show called the Brigs Society. Based on the Big Society
:23:17. > :23:27.ideological rip-off. It's taking the idea. Our Government, what they
:23:27. > :23:31.
:23:31. > :23:38.have done, they've ruined APPLAUSE
:23:38. > :23:42.The banks falling apart. What they did, the previous Government tiered
:23:42. > :23:46.up, this one has ruined it with the help of Nick Clegg, who we ought
:23:46. > :23:52.all thought was nice tosm explain Nick Clegg is like the Tim Henman
:23:52. > :24:01.of British politics. No-one really wanted him to win, then he did. Now
:24:01. > :24:07.we all hate him. That sounds like the entire Republican party.
:24:07. > :24:12.exciting to see which lunatic is... Why don't they go to an asylum and
:24:12. > :24:20.take which everyone has smeared the most faeces on their trousers and
:24:20. > :24:26.run for the Republican Party. may It's funny until one of them
:24:26. > :24:31.becomes President. It's like, ha, ha, really, they are in charge!
:24:31. > :24:37.writing a show based on the idea of the big society taking it as a
:24:37. > :24:42.positive. Don't sugar coat it. Tell them how you feel. I won't. I'm
:24:43. > :24:47.expecting many, many limbs to be flung at me during this... Not by
:24:47. > :24:51.me. That is August in Edinburgh? will start in Augustus. It will
:24:51. > :24:55.tour throughout the rest of the year. Very good. Goldie Hawn, you
:24:55. > :25:03.have been away. You are back with a book? Yes. Back with a book. Yes,
:25:03. > :25:08.you have. Ten Mindful Minutes. It took you about nine mindful years
:25:08. > :25:12.to write? Not really. Well, you did... I started the foundation for
:25:12. > :25:15.children about nine years ago, you're right. The foundation, what
:25:15. > :25:19.we are doing is bringing more wellbeing to children in the
:25:19. > :25:23.classroom. Teaching them to become stress-free to recognise stress.
:25:23. > :25:27.Learn about their brain. Become more emotionally stable. Which is
:25:27. > :25:33.how children actually have an opportunity to learn. Is it like a
:25:33. > :25:37.guide to parenting? This one was simulated by parents coming to me
:25:37. > :25:41.and saying, we need this programme because our children are doing well.
:25:41. > :25:45.They are bringing us reasons to calm down. They are giving us tools.
:25:45. > :25:50.We need this programme. I wrote this, basically, extrapolated from
:25:50. > :25:54.the programme called Mind-Up. Tens of thousands of children are
:25:54. > :26:01.experiencing in Canada and the US and Australia. Now, we are bring it
:26:01. > :26:06.to the UK. We are launching Mind-Up, the curriculum right here in the UK.
:26:06. > :26:11.OK. I don't know how familiar you are with British children. Before
:26:11. > :26:21.you introduce Mind-Up over here you should be aware they set fire to
:26:21. > :26:21.
:26:21. > :26:27.London. They are setting fire to... How old are your children? They are
:26:27. > :26:32.six and nine. Right. At this stage it's not really parenting, it's
:26:32. > :26:39.more crowd control. I'm a dad who is around during the day, which
:26:39. > :26:46.means I'm treated with a great deal of suspicion. I'm posh and posh
:26:46. > :26:49.people treat the same -- their children the same as they do
:26:49. > :26:55.children. Send them away and when it comes back it's bigger. I'm
:26:55. > :26:59.around with my kids. I took my daughter to the park. I have facial
:26:59. > :27:05.hair. A lot of the posh mummies are suspicious of me anyway. I was
:27:05. > :27:10.pushing my daughter. Making all the noises you would hope for "higher"
:27:10. > :27:17.at the top of the swing she shouted "I could kick Jesus from here".
:27:17. > :27:23.Over the moon, delighted. All the posh mummies going "come on, we're
:27:23. > :27:29.leaving". I'm not a parent. It would be so terrifying because I
:27:29. > :27:36.know all the incredibly stupid, dangerous, I deserve to die
:27:36. > :27:41.situations... Of course. I was a treacherous little man. It's a
:27:41. > :27:46.disaster. You need order. As a kid that is what they are doing. You
:27:46. > :27:50.are at home powerless to stop them. It would drive you mad. It's very
:27:50. > :27:53.scary. Not to labour this. It's not showbusiness this particular story,
:27:53. > :27:57.in terms of children themselves, if they don't learn how their brains
:27:57. > :28:02.are working, they don't know that when they are in that dangerous
:28:02. > :28:06.period they take those chances. Those kids get killed in cars. That
:28:07. > :28:13.is the part of the brain that is not finished yet. Part is it to
:28:13. > :28:19.know not yourself, but your brain. Have you considered introducing
:28:19. > :28:24.these principles to bankers? When they screw up, then they learn...
:28:24. > :28:27.It won't work. They don't experience any of the pain.
:28:27. > :28:32.APPLAUSE Exactly. They screw up and other
:28:32. > :28:42.people... Right? It's not... It's a little off. The Met foredoesn't
:28:42. > :28:45.
:28:46. > :28:51.I think that's the definition of the sociopath... Yes, it is. Being
:28:51. > :28:56.a banker? Have you ever - absolutely no remorse when you, you
:28:56. > :29:03.know... Do something bad. Yeah, yeah. Do you have remorse? No, not
:29:03. > :29:07.at the moment. I am having a lovely time. Oh, good. Are you sorry in
:29:08. > :29:09.general for the bad things you have done? Yeah, all right. OK, yes!
:29:09. > :29:12.LAUGHTER This is the interesting thing about
:29:12. > :29:21.this kind of a character or - LAUGHTER
:29:21. > :29:26.Because we look at our children, and we find out that these children
:29:26. > :29:30.actually end up doing better in life than the ones that are less
:29:30. > :29:38.problematic. APPLAUSE
:29:38. > :29:43.Parenting him before our eyes - beautiful. It's true. So you know,
:29:43. > :29:47.it's those parents who look at their children as a problem child -
:29:47. > :29:52.LAUGHTER Listen, we all know - we all got in
:29:52. > :29:57.trouble at school and all know the horror of exams, terrible, terrible
:29:57. > :30:01.things. Are you kissing? Sharing a secret. No, I thought you were
:30:01. > :30:07.behind a cardigan making out. didn't know I was on camera. I just
:30:07. > :30:10.caught your eye. Did you hear what I said? What? I was a terrible
:30:11. > :30:14.student. Ahh! The reason is because, look, we did really good things
:30:14. > :30:17.with our lives. I want to say something to children who aren't so
:30:18. > :30:21.great at reading, you can get better. Maths sometimes is harder,
:30:21. > :30:26.but you know something? Just because you can't do it doesn't
:30:26. > :30:29.mean you're not going to do well at life. That's true. Some kids fall
:30:29. > :30:34.through the cracks. I think maths is harder, but it's important for
:30:34. > :30:37.kids to know if you are really bad at maths, you can always go into
:30:37. > :30:42.banking. LAUGHTER
:30:42. > :30:47.And it will be fine, you know? It will be fine! One of our favourite
:30:47. > :30:51.websites is Funny Exam Answers, right? These kids I think will do
:30:51. > :30:56.very well in life, quite creative when they're stumped for an answer.
:30:56. > :31:02.These are all genuine. These are all genuine. So this is the first
:31:02. > :31:08.one - what is one great advantage that sexual reproduction has over
:31:08. > :31:15.a-sexual reproduction? It feels good. That's a point! Now, maths -
:31:15. > :31:20.not always easy. This is - name an angle complementary to BDC. Here's
:31:20. > :31:29.the complementary angle. "You look much thinner from over here."
:31:29. > :31:33.That's great. How great is that? achiever! This one I think is one
:31:33. > :31:39.of my favourites. It's fantastic. The question is, "A child swallows
:31:39. > :31:41.a cleaning product. Why is milk often given?"
:31:41. > :31:45."To make them happy before they die."
:31:45. > :31:51.LAUGHTER How great is that? A last male.
:31:51. > :31:55.you like milk? There you go. I'd give you chocolate. I don't have
:31:55. > :32:00.any! It's another maths question - how much longer is the base of this
:32:00. > :32:04.triangle than the height? The answer is "I have no idea. Here's a
:32:04. > :32:11.rainbow to make up for it." LAUGHTER
:32:11. > :32:16."And a bunny." But this is my absolute favourite -
:32:16. > :32:25.this is just genius - just genius. "Miss, I can't read the question.
:32:25. > :32:29.There's a bear in the way!" LAUGHTER
:32:29. > :32:33.You should bring those kids in and put them on the show. They'd be
:32:33. > :32:38.probably more interesting than us. Those guys are awesome. Talk about
:32:38. > :32:42.no censorship whatsoever! Right. It's nearly time for this week's
:32:42. > :32:46.famous visit to the red chair, but first, let's welcome to the stage
:32:47. > :32:56.the UK's biggest rock band performing their new single,
:32:57. > :33:04.
:33:04. > :33:14.Goodbye Kiss. It is Kasabian. # Doomed from the start
:33:14. > :33:16.
:33:16. > :33:23.# We met with a goodbye kiss. # I broke my wrist.
:33:23. > :33:31.# It all kicked off. # I had no choice.
:33:31. > :33:41.# You said that you didn't mind cos love's hard to find.
:33:41. > :33:42.
:33:42. > :33:47.# Maybe the days we had are gone, living in silence for too long.
:33:47. > :33:56.# Open your eyes, and what do you see?
:33:56. > :34:06.# No more laughs, no more photographs.
:34:06. > :34:07.
:34:07. > :34:13.# Turning slowly, looking back, see. # No words can save this.
:34:13. > :34:23.# You're broken and I'm pissed. # Run along like I'm supposed to,
:34:23. > :34:33.be the man I ought to. # Rock and Roll sent us insane.
:34:33. > :34:40.
:34:40. > :34:48.# I hope someday that we will meet # Running wild.
:34:49. > :34:58.# Giving it everyone. # Now that's all done.
:34:59. > :35:02.
:35:02. > :35:04.# La, la, la, la. # Maybe the days we had are gone, living in silence
:35:04. > :35:13.for too long. # Open you're eyes and what do you
:35:13. > :35:20.see? # The last stand, let go of my hand.
:35:20. > :35:30.# Turning slowly, looking back, see # No words can save this.
:35:30. > :35:34.
:35:34. > :35:39.# You're broken, and I'm pissed. # Run along like I'm supposed to,
:35:39. > :35:42.be the man I ought to. # Rock and Roll sent us insane
:35:42. > :35:52.# I hope someday that we will meet again.
:35:52. > :36:00.# You go your way, and I'll go my # No words can save us.
:36:00. > :36:07.# This lifestyle made us. # Run along like I'm supposed to,
:36:07. > :36:17.be the man I ought to. # Rock and Roll sent us insane.
:36:17. > :36:24.
:36:24. > :36:28.# I hope someday that we will meet APPLAUSE
:36:28. > :36:34.Kasabian, ladies and gentlemen. Come join me now. Hello, sir.
:36:34. > :36:39.Graham, pleasure. Very nice to see you. You all right? Oh, wow.
:36:39. > :36:46.Pleasure. How are you? There you go. Lovely, lovely. Hello, mate. Good
:36:46. > :36:52.to see you. Very nice, very nice. Congratulations. Thank you very
:36:52. > :36:58.much for that. That was so great! I loved it. But it was - sort of
:36:58. > :37:05.reminded me of sort of that "It's now, but it's them" because it's -
:37:05. > :37:10.Whoa, Whoa, Whoa... It has that beautiful heartbreak feel, Be My
:37:10. > :37:15.Baby, Roy Orbison. I am just getting ready to say the title of
:37:15. > :37:25.your album - I am very bad at words - Velociraptor. Velociraptor.
:37:25. > :37:26.
:37:26. > :37:31.That's what it's called. And I am not even Dsylectic -! What's the
:37:31. > :37:38.word for that? I don't know, but a dyslexic will find it.
:37:38. > :37:43.And did single is out now. And congratulations - Best Band in
:37:43. > :37:48.Britain, goddamnit! The NME Awards - did you disgrace yourselves?
:37:48. > :37:57.Massively, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you offend people? Everywhere.
:37:57. > :38:03.I kept licking people's faces - of all people - Jackie Mason. Oh, no.
:38:03. > :38:08.Quite tasty. She's famous. Wears a lot of makeup, Jackie. Why did you
:38:08. > :38:15.lick his face? I was out of my mind. They'd just won Best British Band
:38:15. > :38:19.at the NME Awards. It was a lovely night and tonight we're feeling
:38:19. > :38:22.eggshells. We're doing all right. Yeah, you have done very well.
:38:22. > :38:28.That's the third consecutive number one album. We're doing all right.
:38:28. > :38:34.That's a big deal! Well done you. APPLAUSE
:38:34. > :38:42.Listen. Right. Before we go tonight, a story or two in the red chair, so
:38:42. > :38:48.who's up first? Hello, nice lady. Hello. What's your name? Lisa.
:38:48. > :38:52.Where are you from? Minnesota. has travelled all this way to tell
:38:53. > :38:57.us this story. Don't hold it against her. This is not connected,
:38:57. > :39:01.this bit. We booby-trapped you. Normally it's just scenic, but it's
:39:01. > :39:04.practical tonight. Sorry, Lisa. I left you alone. Lisa, she's
:39:04. > :39:08.travelled from Minnesota to delight us with? Following story. Off you
:39:08. > :39:14.go. My parents have a cabin on a lake. My nephew, who was three at
:39:14. > :39:19.the time, loved giving people tours around the cabin, particularly
:39:19. > :39:27.showing people the dead animals that my dad buys on eBay, so -
:39:27. > :39:31.LAUGHTER Don't touch it. So Mr Bear. Hello,
:39:31. > :39:35.Mr Coyote. Hello, Mr Deer, then we get to an animal my sister-in-law
:39:35. > :39:41.got given as a gift. It was her mascot for her volleyball team, and
:39:41. > :39:51.he says to me, "Would you like to stroke my mum's beaver? I do it all
:39:51. > :39:54.I can only apologise. Could see that one coming, and I am jet
:39:54. > :39:58.lagged. American animals - there was bound to be a beaver. There was
:39:58. > :40:04.a lake... There was all things pointing towards beaver.
:40:04. > :40:10.pineapple, as we know it. LAUGHTER
:40:10. > :40:16."Pineapple"! Would you like to taste my pineapple? Don't! Who's
:40:16. > :40:25.next? Hello. Hello. You seem nervous - oh! Yeah. What's your
:40:25. > :40:30.name? Lioni. What do you do? I am a drama student in London, but I am
:40:30. > :40:36.originally from Leicestershire. Tom will know where that is. I know Tom
:40:36. > :40:43.- sort of. Do you? My mum knows his mum. He signs cards for us for
:40:43. > :40:51.Christmas. Wow. Has he stroked your beaver? No, I'm sure he hasn't.
:40:51. > :40:55.I haven't. Right, nice lady all. You go with your story. I was at V
:40:55. > :40:59.Guest value watching Kasabian. I went there with my friends. My arms
:40:59. > :41:02.were in the air singing all the lyrics - they were really good, by
:41:02. > :41:08.the way. All of a sudden this liquid entered my mouth - I didn't
:41:08. > :41:12.know what it was. I thought someone had thrown beer over me. I
:41:12. > :41:17.swallowed it. I thought that was the best because I didn't want to
:41:17. > :41:23.spit on someone. I looked down. My clothes were all wet. I smelt it,
:41:23. > :41:27.and someone had actually chucked their cup of urine all over me, and
:41:27. > :41:31.I swallowed a substantial amount of it. Oh, I think we should let her
:41:31. > :41:40.walk because she did drink a cup of pris for this story. You can walk.
:41:40. > :41:46.You can walk. Wow! Wow. The things you do, eh? Now that's a fan. She
:41:47. > :41:52.stayed. Do you pee on stage? No! it wasn't yours. Just random -
:41:52. > :41:56.licking faces, throwing piss at them - yeah. It's rock 'n' roll.
:41:56. > :42:00.Who's next? Hello, sir. God. Now, have you signed a waiver?
:42:00. > :42:04.LAUGHTER I just don't want a lawsuit if this
:42:04. > :42:09.goes wrong. OK. What's your name, sir? Alan.
:42:09. > :42:13.All right. Where are you from? Watford. Lovely. What do you do?
:42:13. > :42:17.am in between jobs at the moment. Fair enough. Lovely. This could be
:42:17. > :42:22.the start of something BIG, Alan! Off you go, sir. Going back a bit -
:42:22. > :42:25.I am going back to when I was a youngster, about 1920, and I used
:42:25. > :42:30.to drink a lot, and my dad used to get really upset with me because I
:42:30. > :42:36.used to get home on a Saturday night and wake everybody up about
:42:36. > :42:39.2.00am in the morning. Oh, Alan! know. Um... Have you forgotten the
:42:39. > :42:42.story? LAUGHTER
:42:42. > :42:46.He said to me one Saturday, "If you're not home at a reasonable
:42:46. > :42:50.time, I will bolt the door at midnight." So I thought to myself,
:42:51. > :42:55.how can I get away with this one? I thought, I know what I'll do. I'll
:42:55. > :42:58.leave my window open, get up the drainpipe, but I forget - when
:42:58. > :43:02.you're drunk, getting up a drainpipe is a little bit harder
:43:02. > :43:08.than you think. I eventually got into the window, coming to my
:43:08. > :43:11.senses, I sort of realise I am not in my bedroom. I am at my next door
:43:11. > :43:15.neighbour's looking at them in bed. Is that about the end of the story?
:43:15. > :43:20.It's a good end to the story. you. Alan, ladies and gentlemen.
:43:20. > :43:26.You can walk, sir. You can walk. Flip me. Oh, he wants to be...
:43:26. > :43:32.please. Yes, please. Alan wants to go - OK! Where are you going, Alan?
:43:32. > :43:41.We have an NHS here, Goldie, don't worry. Can't be sued? Brace
:43:41. > :43:46.yourself, Alan. I am ready. Legs aKim bow - - akimbo - hey! Well
:43:46. > :43:52.done, everyone. If you would like to join us on the show and be on
:43:52. > :43:54.the red chair, you can. Just go to this address. Thanks to my guests,
:43:54. > :43:57.Kasabian, ladies and gentlemen, Marcus Brigstocke, Goldie Hawn and