:00:29. > :00:34.On the show tonight, Britain's dishiest actor. Are you looking
:00:34. > :00:44.forward to seeing Hugh Grant? Are you a fan of Hugh Grant? Yes he's
:00:44. > :01:05.
:01:05. > :01:15.on the show, Hugh Grant. Let start Oh, oh... You're very kind. Too
:01:15. > :01:15.
:01:15. > :01:25.kind. Yes, thank you. What a show we've got tonight! We've only gone
:01:25. > :01:26.
:01:26. > :01:35.and got the brilliant Hugh Grant! We have. Yes we have. Gavin and
:01:35. > :01:44.Stacey star, Page is here: The hill airous Jo Brand is on the show! And,
:01:44. > :01:48.later we've music from chart toping DJ David Guetta. I know!
:01:48. > :01:53.I tell you I'm really looking forward to meeting Hugh. I know
:01:53. > :01:59.he's thrilled to be on the show, because I listened to one of his
:01:59. > :02:02.voicemails. I didn't think his pass woord would be 124. I thought Hugh
:02:03. > :02:06.was brilliant in Love Actually, he plays the Prime Minister who falls
:02:06. > :02:16.in love with the tea lady. As if the Prime Minister would feel any
:02:16. > :02:22.
:02:22. > :02:29.affection for the person who makes his tea! I've had a great weekend,
:02:29. > :02:34.everyone looking forward to St Patrick's Day? Oh yes, Saturday
:02:34. > :02:37.night everyone in Ireland there be going out getting hammered and what
:02:37. > :02:42.a coincidence, it is St Patrick's Day n Ireland a lot of people
:02:42. > :02:47.celebrate by kissing the Blarney Stone. They do. I think that's a
:02:47. > :02:52.kiss, yeah. Back of it, and think of Ireland.
:02:52. > :02:58.Honestly, who would be stupid enough thinking kissing something
:02:58. > :03:05.500 years old, and covered in saliva, would bring them good
:03:05. > :03:15.fortune! Later we'll have music from get get
:03:15. > :03:22.
:03:22. > :03:32.get - David Guetta. But first, my Pageing my next guest, it is Joanna
:03:32. > :03:33.
:03:33. > :03:43.Page. And here is a guest I Love Actually, it is Hugh Grant.
:03:43. > :03:53.
:03:53. > :03:59.You all right ladies. Now, thank you all for being here. And they
:03:59. > :04:05.told me, they said to me, Mr Grant is driving himself. I thought how
:04:05. > :04:12.lovely and low key. But then I saw your car, it's a posh car isn't it?
:04:12. > :04:16.I've reached that stage in life, where I need a flash car to keep my
:04:16. > :04:20.spirits up. I'm not proud of it. But I'm very, very in love with it,
:04:20. > :04:25.I have to say. It is blue? It is blue and so beautiful. There's
:04:25. > :04:29.nothing I don't love about it. If I could get it into bed with me, I
:04:29. > :04:33.would. I adore it. What's frightening is I turned into the
:04:33. > :04:40.person, I go home after a few drinks, in the old days you would
:04:40. > :04:44.read a book or look at pornography on the internet. Now I look at the
:04:44. > :04:48.internet about crank shafts and dfrbgss and I'm slightly aroused by
:04:48. > :04:55.them. Do you understand cars, it is not just the look of it it? I did,
:04:55. > :05:01.but now you could quiz me. I won't be quizing you. Joanna Page, now
:05:01. > :05:06.are you a good driver or not? I'd like to think I'm a good driver,
:05:06. > :05:12.but my husband might think differently. The first time he took
:05:12. > :05:18.me out, he said turned right around the roundabout, so I turned right
:05:18. > :05:23.and went around the roundabout. Since then I've had a problem with
:05:23. > :05:28.round bs. Next time he said go right, and then I went over the
:05:28. > :05:35.round be. So he thought we were going to die. It was funny now. Jo
:05:35. > :05:42.Brand, you co-can really drive? have my international rally driving
:05:42. > :05:47.license, yes. Do you, I mean, how do you get that, do you have a
:05:47. > :05:54.special test? You have to do a number of rallies. Do you do it now,
:05:54. > :05:58.are you good at it? U my husband said he didn't want me to get
:05:58. > :06:08.killed. That was before I got married. I do all the driving in my
:06:08. > :06:12.
:06:12. > :06:17.family, because my husband never Now, Grant not just welcome to the
:06:17. > :06:22.show, but welcome back into your lives, we thought we'd lost you.
:06:22. > :06:30.Well, no. You seemed to have disappeared for periods of time?
:06:30. > :06:36.Yes. I'm shy. No, I slightly lost my enthusiasm for most acting, but
:06:36. > :06:40.I've done little bits and pieces, cure yosities. Unless you're
:06:40. > :06:47.exaggerating, it sounds like you don't enjoy acting very much at
:06:47. > :06:52.all? Well, I enjoy it when I'm by myself. It is like dancing. When I
:06:52. > :06:57.act, prepare a part by myself, I'm hill lairous, moving, drops of
:06:57. > :07:03.colours, and then I get on the set and I do tend to freeze. The older
:07:03. > :07:09.I get the more I freeze. It affects everything, my voice comes out high
:07:09. > :07:16.and posh when I'm unfortunately. In this cartoon I'm a pirate, instead
:07:16. > :07:21.of coming out "a vast" it was "a vast". I was suppose today leap out
:07:21. > :07:30.of bushes and say "stand and deliver" and it was "stand and
:07:30. > :07:35.deliver" (squeaky voice). The new movie, it was pirates, adventure
:07:35. > :07:44.with scientists? Yes. Correct. is out on the 28th of March?
:07:44. > :07:50.think so. And it is genuinely funny. Not particularly thanks to me,
:07:50. > :07:54.Ardman are geniuses. Funny script and brilliantly animateed, the
:07:54. > :07:59.Plasticine figures are brilliant. What can I tell you, I'm in it, and
:07:59. > :08:05.badly cast in some ways, I play a huge, portly pirate with a beard,
:08:05. > :08:10.and I found if I strokeed my beard, I would find the character. In fact
:08:10. > :08:16.the director had a beard and I used to have him stand next to me and
:08:16. > :08:21.stroke his beard. I find now I stroke beards of strangers in the
:08:21. > :08:28.street. We have a clip. That's what we've done. That's unusual. It has
:08:28. > :08:34.colour, and sound and your voice coming out of a captain pirate.
:08:34. > :08:42.Behind every captain the glittering eyes and luexyuerant beard, a
:08:42. > :08:47.Briany rose. Some of you are a ugly as a cucumber, some of you are used
:08:47. > :08:53.to ago coach, and some of you are fish I dressed up in a hat. But
:08:54. > :09:00.you're still a best crew a captain could wish for. Don't forget Polly.
:09:00. > :09:07.Never forgetting Polly. The best parrot to sail the seven seas, who
:09:07. > :09:17.is a feather soul of our boots. Is it you, yes it is. It is definitely
:09:17. > :09:25.
:09:25. > :09:34.It's one of those, it entertains but there is some education in it,
:09:34. > :09:38.isn't will? Yeah, you've got all kinds of historical figures,
:09:38. > :09:44.Charles Darwin, it aims to please everyone from five to 85.
:09:44. > :09:48.I saw it. Proper, big laughs, when I saw it, with a Jadeed audience?
:09:48. > :09:58.That's very good news. It was great, you should be thrilled with it?
:09:58. > :10:00.
:10:00. > :10:04.This is my pleased face, I am. are not just acting, you have
:10:04. > :10:08.become I was going to say unlikely campaigner, but you have become a
:10:09. > :10:15.campaigner with your hacked off campaign. The hacked off campaign
:10:15. > :10:20.was to get the Leveson Inquiry to start Yes. Have you stopped that
:10:20. > :10:25.campaign or have you new aims? we police the inquiry. And try and
:10:25. > :10:31.make sure it is going the way we'd hoped it was going. But I think it
:10:31. > :10:35.is. I'm rather a fan of Lord justty Leveson, he is doing a great job.
:10:35. > :10:43.It is unmissable television. It is good to watch.
:10:43. > :10:47.Are you, surprised at just how big the story's got, and it's getting
:10:47. > :10:51.bigger all the time, even this week, new developments? Not really. I've
:10:51. > :10:59.been ranting and raveing for years about all this. And you know,
:10:59. > :11:05.people, roll their eyes and thought "poor Hugh he's drinking too much"
:11:05. > :11:09.when I say you don't understand they've corrupted the Government,
:11:09. > :11:14.and they've emasculateed by these people. It is now clear I wasn't
:11:14. > :11:21.completely mad, or those saying the same thing thought we're not mad.
:11:21. > :11:26.You pick add fight with people who, generally win. Well in PR terms it
:11:26. > :11:31.is not a classic move to take on the tabloid press, I realise that.
:11:31. > :11:37.Luckily, because I don't do many films any more, that's not such a
:11:37. > :11:45.worry to me, I'm worried for or forms of revenge, someone is
:11:45. > :11:52.leaving a doing mess outside my house every day. I've become more
:11:52. > :11:58.obsessed about finding out who that is. I'm obsessed by that, I follow
:11:58. > :12:03.people, to see if they use a bag and that. That is weird. Maybe it
:12:03. > :12:07.is one of those people I Scotlanded before. I don't like it if they use
:12:07. > :12:12.the bag and leave the bag by the tree. What's the point of that, it
:12:12. > :12:16.is more disgusting than the dog mess in the first place.
:12:16. > :12:21.sometimes there's no bin, and you are carrying the bag for a long
:12:21. > :12:27.time. I've had to carry a bag for ages. I remember, doing a walk by
:12:27. > :12:33.the canal in Leeds, there aren't any bins, I have my bags and I had
:12:33. > :12:37.to do the whole walk there and back and my pocket is nice and warm
:12:37. > :12:43.afterwards, because I am a responsible dog owner. But you've
:12:44. > :12:48.got a little dog, I have a huge dog, it is like a handbag. It is like
:12:48. > :12:53.I've gone shopping by the time I get home with it. Terrible. But in
:12:53. > :12:59.terms of the tabloid press, and Jo, you've never shyed away from your
:12:59. > :13:03.opinions of the tabloid press? I probably a mistake I would have
:13:03. > :13:06.thought. Are you involved in the Leveson, are you going to be called
:13:06. > :13:11.or? I don't think I'm important enough. All they've ever done with
:13:11. > :13:17.me, is they've focused on, highlights of my life, first of all,
:13:17. > :13:22.they thought I was a less beeian, so when I got married, they went
:13:22. > :13:27."oh my God the less beeian is getting married" and we tried to
:13:27. > :13:32.keep our wedding really quiet. Just because we didn't want the hoo-ha,
:13:32. > :13:37.and the Sun didn't find out until two weeks later, and they very
:13:37. > :13:45.kindly put a nice headline on the front of the Sun saying "here comes
:13:45. > :13:50.the bride, all fat and wide" which was terrible, my mum was so touched.
:13:50. > :13:55.That is mean beyond belief? It is mean, but they are mean, they're
:13:55. > :14:00.amoral, and they don't actually. I can take it, having been a
:14:00. > :14:06.psychiatric nurse for ten years, I got much better and more creative
:14:06. > :14:10.abuse as a nurse. Than I ever did from the tabloids, I expect it from
:14:10. > :14:16.them, you just have to separate it from your life really. What do you
:14:16. > :14:20.hope, at the end of this inquiry? What are your ambitions for the end
:14:20. > :14:26.of it? There's my official hopes and the hopes I don't talk about,
:14:26. > :14:36.which are to do with violence to certain individuals. I'm very happy
:14:36. > :14:38.
:14:38. > :14:47.to help. In fact I'll do a poo outside someone's house. APPLAUSE
:14:47. > :14:53.You think you will have a lasting effect? As I say, I'm a big fan of
:14:53. > :14:57.Lord Justice Leveson, but if he recommend great things to protect
:14:57. > :15:01.great journalism, while identified and doing something about the worst
:15:01. > :15:06.excesses, the next hurdle is for the Government to put that into
:15:06. > :15:09.action and then you see the Conservatives, are enjoyed a
:15:09. > :15:16.largely Conservative press for it for a long time. But I've spoken to
:15:16. > :15:20.the Prime Minister, I think, I love saying that - he, said if it is not
:15:20. > :15:26.bonkers we'll do it. But we have to hold him to it. The Prime Minister
:15:26. > :15:31.has been dragged into it all. And something did cheer him recently
:15:31. > :15:39.bass he got to meet the lovely, Joanna Page. Here he is meeting you.
:15:40. > :15:47.He loves you. He just had his nails done what... My husband was worried
:15:47. > :15:53.after that, if I can make David Cameron bow to me, what will I do
:15:53. > :15:56.to him. What the hell did you tell him, how many Tory voters are in
:15:56. > :16:01.Wales? He was flattering about the show, asked if we were going to
:16:01. > :16:05.make some more, I was on my best behaviour. This isn't the first
:16:05. > :16:09.time. You've been to Buckingham Palace isn't you? When I was in
:16:09. > :16:18.drama school, I went there to perform. What did you give? It was
:16:18. > :16:24.a gala, and I went and performed in As You Like It. After it, myself
:16:24. > :16:31.and this actress, we were not backstage, but sort of, and went
:16:31. > :16:37.down, exploring, there was nobody to stop us. I will get arrested now,
:16:37. > :16:43.but I exploreed in Buckingham Palace. I did steal a napkin, I
:16:43. > :16:49.couldn't help myself. Is it at home and framed? I lost it since.
:16:50. > :16:54.Did you get anything from Number Ten? No, but as we were leaving...
:16:54. > :16:57.I went to the bathroom, and I looked around and I had this
:16:57. > :17:02.overwhelming urge to steal something, because I thought I'll
:17:02. > :17:06.nef go back, but there wasn't anything. The only thing I could
:17:06. > :17:12.steal was toilet roll. I didn't want to do that. I had a fleeting
:17:12. > :17:19.thought through my head, which was I wonder what is in the bin. I
:17:19. > :17:24.thought for goodness sake, get out of the bathroom. I said that to my
:17:24. > :17:31.husband, and he was disgusted with me. You stopped yourself. Yes. I
:17:31. > :17:36.did Graham. I'm almost nefbous to ask, Hugh Grant has a terrible
:17:36. > :17:41.toilet story, was it on a French train? It was suggested to me to
:17:41. > :17:46.tell this story. Do you not want to? I was on a French train, it was
:17:46. > :17:52.after Four Wedings came out. didn't realise. People were being
:17:52. > :18:01.nice to me. They were saying "we love your film". I was going to a
:18:01. > :18:07.film festival and I had a terpbl pain in my arse. I was nodding and
:18:07. > :18:16.my arse is killing me. It occurred to me, I might have hem roids, I
:18:17. > :18:23.thought it is my first pile, it is bound to come. I went to the loo,
:18:23. > :18:28.on this very modern French train. I thought I got to look at my arse,
:18:28. > :18:33.so it was very difficult thing to do. I finally found the only way
:18:33. > :18:39.was to stand on the loo seat, pull my arse cheeks as wide as I could,
:18:39. > :18:45.and look back through my legs. I actually got quite a good view. I
:18:45. > :18:52.obviously didn't master the lock on the door, and I'm one of these
:18:52. > :19:02.incredibly nice French people, came in and saw me, for some reason...
:19:02. > :19:07.It was a bad moment. I feel I invaded my own privacy, and I
:19:07. > :19:12.should be in trouble for that. Joanna Page back on BBC One in the
:19:12. > :19:19.Syndicateings which starts on 27th of March, if we could watch that,
:19:20. > :19:24.and the next night they could see Pirates. It is Kay Miller. What's
:19:24. > :19:32.this one about It is about five people, who work in a small
:19:32. > :19:39.supermarket in Leeds and we win the Lottery. We win about �4 million in
:19:39. > :19:43.the syndicate. Each episode deals with our stories, and each episode
:19:43. > :19:47.focused on one person. Did you meet people who won? It is surprising
:19:48. > :19:54.they say, they recommend you to go public with it. And then they'll
:19:54. > :19:58.say things like "you know, the buzz and everything will go in about a
:19:58. > :20:03.week's time and it will be fine" I couldn't think of anything worse.
:20:03. > :20:08.My character doesn't want to go public, I'm mysterious in it, and
:20:08. > :20:13.I'm very set about going public. Interesting you should tell us,
:20:13. > :20:19.because that's what happens in this clip. This is the bit you don't
:20:19. > :20:24.want to go public. I don't mind the local papers, but I don't think we
:20:24. > :20:28.should let all the papers know. not? Will it mention your names.
:20:28. > :20:33.Yes but not your addresses, there will be some people who will know
:20:33. > :20:38.about where you live, so we'll have to talk about strategy. What's up
:20:38. > :20:47.love. I don't want people to know my business. What's wrong with you,
:20:47. > :20:52.you should be jumping from the roof toops. What we'd like What we want
:20:52. > :21:02.Leah, My name is Leeane. We want the winners to be happy with the
:21:02. > :21:11.
:21:11. > :21:16.Were you married, was that was it? I can't say, don't ask me, you know
:21:16. > :21:23.I'm terrible because it will be about. I don't reveal anything.
:21:23. > :21:28.week four. Near the end we'll find out why you're so mysterious. Is it
:21:28. > :21:35.a comedy drama? It is serious and dramatic, but there's comedy in it
:21:35. > :21:42.as well. So, and things happen you don't expect to happen to any of us.
:21:42. > :21:49.It is funny, you won't to slit your wrists. Let's put that on the
:21:49. > :21:56.poster. Do either of you do the Lottery? No, don't be silly. I
:21:56. > :22:02.don't do the Lottery, because I don't think - I've won. You do
:22:02. > :22:09.gamble don't you, do you a flutter? I gamble at sport. Particular
:22:09. > :22:14.sports? Well, the sport I'm ashamed of, golf, yes. I only play for
:22:14. > :22:21.money. Money and hatred. It is about taking money off someone I
:22:21. > :22:26.dislike. That's my Saturday. seem unlikely golf player? I'm so
:22:26. > :22:33.embarrassed, I wish it was surfing, but no it is golf. Are you good at
:22:33. > :22:38.it? No crap. Is that obscure bets? It is highly complex. I'm very
:22:38. > :22:47.ashamed of it, I don't want to talk about it, move on. Jo Brand you do,
:22:47. > :22:53.is it horses is your weakness It is not weakness, I put a tenner on a
:22:53. > :23:00.horse called Jay Brand, and it went ten yards and fell over. That
:23:00. > :23:04.reflected my own life, because that's what was happening that day.
:23:04. > :23:10.Now, Hugh Grant take you back to your beginings, how old were you
:23:10. > :23:16.when you became a actor, slash model? I know where you're going.
:23:16. > :23:26.It is true, that when I was still a student, I humiliatingly, did
:23:26. > :23:32.accept some holiday jobs, doing the photo love albums. My Guy, Oh Boy,
:23:32. > :23:36.actually they were meant to be 13- 14-year-old, but I was so
:23:36. > :23:40.underdeveloped, at the age of 21, I could still do it. These things
:23:40. > :23:49.crop up from time to time, and there is, bring one out, go on.
:23:49. > :23:58.know they're back here. The one I like is, Secret Love. You didn't
:23:58. > :24:03.make the cover, I'm afraid. But you are in here. Look at you. Oh, look
:24:03. > :24:11.are in here. Look at you. Oh, look at you there. Rather good acting.
:24:11. > :24:16.What are you thinking "oh Teresa, I tried I just the past year has
:24:16. > :24:26.changed you as much as you say it is, for your sake". Shoo here you
:24:26. > :24:27.
:24:27. > :24:33.are with Teresa. Poor old Teresa. Was she blind. We're not sure.
:24:33. > :24:43.may well have been when she bought the dufl coat. "a guy like him,
:24:43. > :24:43.
:24:43. > :24:48.would never like an ugly girl like me". She's not wrong. But then, in
:24:48. > :24:54.a twist, she does transform, and look she's, look how beautiful she
:24:54. > :24:59.is when she gets back. A lot of that is shot in my parent's house.
:24:59. > :25:04.You got double the money if you got You got double the money if you got
:25:04. > :25:11.location fee. There is an art to acknowledging like that. I have a
:25:11. > :25:13.frame. Could we put up a frame. If you're looking a bit boreed back
:25:13. > :25:20.you're looking a bit boreed back there.
:25:20. > :25:30.Graham has set the evening up in a bid to meet dishy Hugh.
:25:30. > :25:36.
:25:36. > :25:41.It's good. Maybe I was too big, did I do too much. You were excellent.
:25:41. > :25:46.I like a lot of praise. You were the best. OK. It was worth it
:25:46. > :25:50.because you were in it. Yes.. You're not just saying that. No I
:25:50. > :25:57.mean it. Now U you were a late developer as
:25:57. > :26:04.a teenager, weren't you. Yes. I was. I may still be developing actually.
:26:04. > :26:09.But I was tormented by that. Lots of people are, but my fixation was
:26:09. > :26:15.I don't have any pubic hair, and I will need some, because I was going
:26:15. > :26:23.on the camping trip to Wales and everyone will see. I became
:26:23. > :26:28.desperate and I seriously thought about making pubic wig from making
:26:28. > :26:35.it from my mother's hair brush. I do have a friend who did do it. He
:26:35. > :26:42.used interestingly, hairs from a stuffed armadillo. Whose uncle had
:26:42. > :26:48.brought him back from Australia. There was a famous case of an eaten
:26:48. > :26:52.boy, Arab, quite strict Muslim family, who had the same
:26:52. > :26:58.desperation, but not only had he nef done that, but he didn't know
:26:58. > :27:06.what pubic hair looked like, but he knew he needed on. He stuck it on,
:27:06. > :27:16.and he had it stuck to his peenous, not around it. So was a tiger's
:27:16. > :27:21.
:27:21. > :27:31.That's terrible. Awful. He's nef lived it down, I'd love to say his
:27:31. > :27:32.
:27:32. > :27:39.name but I won't. Do you know him? All right it was me. That would be
:27:39. > :27:49.lieck Monica Lewis ski. At the end of the sofa, we have award winning
:27:49. > :27:50.
:27:50. > :27:57.BAFTA. I was there How weerld was that. I was so happy for you, it
:27:57. > :28:03.was a popular win? You were there, that night. I was hosting Jo. "I
:28:03. > :28:09.was there" I remember seeing you standing there. Obviously you are
:28:09. > :28:15.working on the a series, awarding winning, Getting On. And you will
:28:15. > :28:21.do a proper series this time? we're grown up enough to do six.
:28:21. > :28:26.Not just the acting, but you're sporty now, swimming? Yes. Sporty
:28:26. > :28:32.is stretching it a bit. You are a strong swimmer? I do like swimming,
:28:32. > :28:39.I hadn't been swimming for years, before I did this show, I used to
:28:39. > :28:45.like it, and I realised the last time was when I was in a weekend in
:28:45. > :28:52.Paris, when I was lodgeed in a bid day, I am one of the middle ageed
:28:52. > :28:57.people who "oh dear, I haven't done exercise since I was two. So I
:28:57. > :29:02.better do some bf I die. Swimming is great, if if you are a fat
:29:02. > :29:12.person, only your head sticks up. It is like an iceberg, there could
:29:12. > :29:18.be anything down there. Presuming you have to worry about the
:29:18. > :29:26.cleanliness of the water as well? In some circumstances you do. Well
:29:26. > :29:30.that, is Hastings, no it is not. That's something called the
:29:30. > :29:35.Mauleden Mud Race, you have to run 500 metres, but it seems like
:29:35. > :29:38.forever, over the mud. It is a charity event held every year.
:29:38. > :29:42.These athletic people do it in three-and-a-half minutes, there's
:29:42. > :29:49.ten of them and they trip over the mud like fairies, and the rest of
:29:49. > :29:54.us, end up like me, and basically, I went three steps and I stuck.
:29:55. > :30:02.long did it take? I cheated, in the end and I went three yards. It is
:30:02. > :30:11.so humiliating because they get the blokes in wages with lass soos, and
:30:11. > :30:17.all this sort of beached whales like me, weigh, ride them cowboy,
:30:17. > :30:22.around your arm pilts and drag you out. It is so difficult. So, one
:30:22. > :30:29.thing I find is swimming costumes for big women are awful. I manage
:30:29. > :30:37.to find something OK, and then a friend said are you wearing a cap,
:30:37. > :30:42.and I said unlikely to get a shag in the sea. You have to be aware of
:30:42. > :30:48.these things. Listen, Hugh Grant, I can't let you go, without asking
:30:48. > :30:55.you about your, presumably it is the next film, Cloud Atlas? Again
:30:55. > :31:00.it is a curiosity, curious film in that it is enormously long, takes
:31:00. > :31:06.place in six different time frames in the past and future, and the
:31:06. > :31:11.madmen makeing it, asked me to play six tiny parts, cannibals and
:31:12. > :31:17.rapists, and for a laugh I did it. Got knows what it will turn out
:31:18. > :31:26.like. I thought, this will prove to me, I'm not just a one trick pony,
:31:26. > :31:32.and I pulled my own bluff. I'm standing in a hill top in Germany,
:31:32. > :31:37.blood and fangs, and I'm supposed to be licking my lips when somebody
:31:37. > :31:43.is stabed and I said I can't do this. Cool directors, watching the
:31:43. > :31:50.monitor, saying "more like a leopard, you want that blood". I
:31:50. > :31:56.can't do that face. Give me a witty line. I think I may be appalling.
:31:56. > :32:01.Then I have to leap off the rock and do a forward role and devour
:32:01. > :32:07.the person. They said do you want a stunt man to do it, or do it
:32:07. > :32:14.yourself. I juched off the rock and at 51, it is surprisingly difficult
:32:14. > :32:22.to do a forward roll, half way, I leaned over forward, take four,
:32:22. > :32:30.they put the stunt man in. Will we recognise you? I hope not. Is it
:32:30. > :32:35.loads of make-up. Sn I play a 85- year-old man, apply a slave, and
:32:35. > :32:41.slaves are replica women, they live off soap and I rape them and I have
:32:41. > :32:51.foam coming out of my mouth. It is a long way from Sense and
:32:51. > :32:52.
:32:52. > :32:58.It is music time. My next guest, is a producer, composeer, and
:32:58. > :33:08.officially the most popular DJ in the world, I read it. Please
:33:08. > :33:37.
:33:37. > :33:44.welcome, David Guetta. Hello Sir. I - Jeans The same genes. That's
:33:44. > :33:50.funny. We're both too old to wear these genes, you know that.
:33:50. > :33:57.talk for yourself, I'm young. yeah, yeah. I want to say something.
:33:57. > :34:04.I'm French you know. And I was behind watching the show. You're
:34:04. > :34:11.all are so intelligent and funny. And I was understanding only half
:34:11. > :34:21.of the words and 10% of the jokes, so I'm terrified now. Oh it will
:34:21. > :34:26.
:34:26. > :34:33.all be good. Excuse me, (speaks French). Showing off. Now I'm
:34:33. > :34:42.pleased to see you here. Why are there so many rumours, that you're
:34:42. > :34:49.dead. Yes. That's usually happening in the summer when I tour a lot. I
:34:49. > :34:57.don't know why. It is like Kenny and South park, that's me. On a
:34:57. > :35:04.summer tour, I died three times I think. If you do this. Even, show
:35:04. > :35:09.my car accident, that was. Look at that, that's the first thing. I
:35:09. > :35:14.didn't know that, that's terrible. That's nuts. I don't know. Because
:35:14. > :35:21.you're not. So many people love me, that's why. I don't know why some
:35:21. > :35:26.people want me dead. Nobody wants you dead. Rumours start, that's the
:35:26. > :35:31.way. Joanna, you've had strange rumours? My husband, proposed to me,
:35:31. > :35:37.and the engagement ring was in a pouch around my dog's neck, but I
:35:37. > :35:43.read they said the ring was in my dog's mouth, and she was so
:35:43. > :35:50.talented I could prize the ring out of her mouth and that's where my
:35:50. > :36:00.engagement ring was. You see it is happening again. I don't understand
:36:00. > :36:08.what she said. Nobody did! didn't understand either. Nobody
:36:08. > :36:18.understood that story. You're just being polite. Just smile and nod.
:36:18. > :36:20.
:36:20. > :36:30.What is this accent. Welsh. OK. you're performing titanium the
:36:30. > :36:30.
:36:30. > :36:39.number one hit tonight. But, who is the vocalist tonight? Her name is
:36:39. > :36:45.Justine, and so you would say Justine probably. You wouldn't say
:36:45. > :36:55.Justin. We would if she was a boy. I'm sorry. How would you say.
:36:55. > :36:56.
:36:56. > :37:03.Justine. So you see it is the same thing.
:37:03. > :37:08.Justine, I discovered her on the internet and she's a wonderful
:37:08. > :37:16.voice, and very beautiful person. Obviously this is on the album,
:37:16. > :37:26.Nothing But The Beat. It matches your jacket. I theme it had
:37:26. > :37:34.specially. You're going to be up in the space, this is an amazing 4D
:37:34. > :37:41.thing. They'll be dancing and whip them in a frensy. I'm sure, look at
:37:41. > :37:46.the party people. David if you want to climb up into your box. I would
:37:46. > :37:54.love to show your trousers together. What are the chances of that,
:37:54. > :38:02.that's ridiculous. All right. You go. There he goes.
:38:02. > :38:12.Still to come, sweet stories, but first performing titanium, it is
:38:12. > :38:21.
:38:21. > :38:30.first performing titanium, it is # You thought it out
:38:30. > :38:37.# But I can't hear a word you say # I'm talking loud
:38:37. > :38:44.# Not saying much # I'm criticised
:38:44. > :38:51.# But all your bullets ricochet # You shoot me down
:38:51. > :38:56.# But I get up # I'm bullet-proof
:38:56. > :39:02.# Nothing to lose # Fire away
:39:02. > :39:09.# Ricochet # You take your aim
:39:09. > :39:12.# Fire away # You shoot me down
:39:13. > :39:18.# But I won't fall # I am titanium
:39:18. > :39:28.# You shoot me down # But I won't fall
:39:28. > :39:37.
:39:37. > :39:43.# I am titanium # Cut me down
:39:43. > :39:47.# But it's you who will' have further to fall
:39:47. > :39:51.# Ghost town # And haunted love
:39:51. > :39:56.# Raise your voice # Sticks and stones
:39:56. > :40:06.# May break my bones # I'm talking loud
:40:06. > :40:07.
:40:07. > :40:12.# Not saying much # I'm bullet-proof
:40:12. > :40:18.# Nothing to lose # Fire away
:40:18. > :40:23.# Ricochet # You take your aim
:40:23. > :40:29.# Fire away # You shoot me down
:40:29. > :40:34.# But I won't fall # I am titanium
:40:34. > :40:44.# You shoot me down # But I won't fall
:40:44. > :41:08.
:41:08. > :41:13.# I am titanium Guetta get out of your box there,
:41:13. > :41:18.great, great job, thank you so much. Have a little seat there and then
:41:18. > :41:24.we're nearly done. Fantastic. That was good fun. Look
:41:24. > :41:34.at them. They loved it. Right just before we
:41:34. > :41:44.go, time for a story or two in the read chair. Who's up first? Hi it's
:41:44. > :41:45.
:41:45. > :41:52.Caroline. I'm from Ireland originally. Which part? West cork.
:41:52. > :41:59.Which part? Skull I know it well. Off you go with the story. I got
:41:59. > :42:09.snubed by the Queen. You got stabed by the Queen? Snubed. I was at
:42:09. > :42:19.
:42:19. > :42:23.Ascot and I was in the royal I've been to Skull far from the
:42:23. > :42:29.royal enclosure she was reared. Are you understanding any of this
:42:29. > :42:38.David? I have no idea. But I was putting my smiley face on. Exactly.
:42:38. > :42:48.OK, last one. Hello. Hi. What's your name? Jade. What do you do?
:42:48. > :42:50.
:42:50. > :43:00.work in events. She works in events. Like do you mean, what sort of
:43:00. > :43:04.
:43:04. > :43:11.events? I work in a venue. Are you in fact a barmaid? No I work at the
:43:11. > :43:19.Science Museum. Why are you hiding that light under a bush.
:43:19. > :43:25.Fascinating, Jade. Off you go? when I was 12 and Notting Hill had
:43:25. > :43:32.just come out, I was watching it and there was a part where Hugh
:43:32. > :43:38.Grant says requesting at home, I got a masturbateing Welshman". And
:43:38. > :43:46.when my mum shouted what are you doing Jade, I said "masturbateing
:43:46. > :43:51.in my room mum". Give them more, you can walk. Well done efpb, if
:43:51. > :43:58.you'd like to come on the show next series and have a go at the Red
:43:58. > :44:03.Chair contact us at this address. Thank you to my guests tonight.
:44:03. > :44:09.David Guetta. Jo Brand. Joanna Page and Hugh