:00:16. > :00:24.Tonight on the good ship Norton, the star of Pirates of the
:00:24. > :00:34.Caribbean. To starboard! To port! Here comes the big one! Let's start
:00:34. > :00:49.
:00:49. > :00:57.APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Hello everyone! And welcome, sit
:00:57. > :01:02.yourselves down. Everyone excited? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. I know, I am,
:01:02. > :01:10.we have a good one for you tonight. Yes, the one and only, Johnny Depp
:01:10. > :01:19.is here! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. That's not all, Oscar nominee Carey
:01:19. > :01:26.Mulligan is here, top Irish comic Ed Byrne is on the show, writer,
:01:26. > :01:35.director and actor, Ricky Gervais is here. Plus, we have music from
:01:35. > :01:38.Snow Patrol! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. That's a line-up, isn't it? Of
:01:38. > :01:44.course, thrilled to have Ricky Gervais back on the show. He has a
:01:44. > :01:49.new series out called Life's Too Short. Now, the show - it's a hit,
:01:49. > :01:57.Ricky. The show follows the life of a showbiz dwarf, you think what
:01:57. > :02:04.does Ricky know about that? LAUGHTER.
:02:04. > :02:07.Carey Mulligan is here. APPLAUSE. Obviously, she was Oscar-nominated
:02:07. > :02:16.for An Education and she's finished a new film called Shame, it's about
:02:16. > :02:21.a young sex addict. We all know who that's based on. LAUGHTER. Yes, who
:02:21. > :02:31.knew Justin Bieber liked sex? He wasn't that keen when I asked
:02:31. > :02:36.him. About it!, about the subject. Justin has been accused of
:02:37. > :02:43.fathering a child after a back stage romp that lasted 30 seconds.
:02:43. > :02:52.Ah, Justin by name, Justin by nature.
:02:52. > :02:56.APPLAUSE. Delighted to welcome Johnny Depp on to this show. I
:02:56. > :03:01.should warn you that as I speak he is on his way from the premiere of
:03:02. > :03:07.his new film The Rum Diary. In the film Johnny's character spends most
:03:07. > :03:17.of his time drinking rum. So many different kinds of rum, dark rum,
:03:17. > :03:18.
:03:18. > :03:24.white white rum, Red Rum. He was a racehorse in the 80s, remember
:03:24. > :03:28.that? Johnnie is probably most fame ouz Captain Jack Sparrow in The
:03:28. > :03:34.Pirates of the Caribbean. There he is. Those films they are fun but
:03:34. > :03:41.find them frightening. Do you remember the Kraken, a huge man-
:03:41. > :03:51.eating squid. Don't be frightened but here is a huge man-eating squid.
:03:51. > :03:51.
:03:51. > :03:56.Yeah. LAUGHTER. It's a huge man, eating squid.
:03:56. > :04:00.APPLAUSE let's get some guests on. Johnny Depp will be joining us
:04:00. > :04:08.later, and also music from Snow Patrol. First, he is the perfect
:04:08. > :04:16.guest for a bonfire night, it's Ed Byrne. Hello, Sir.
:04:16. > :04:22.Sit yourself down. You are very welcome. She's an an -- Oscar-
:04:22. > :04:27.nominated firecracker, it's Carey Mulligan. Oh, so beautiful! Sit
:04:27. > :04:37.yourself down. And what a guy, it's comedy superstar, Ricky Gervais.
:04:37. > :04:41.
:04:41. > :04:45.APPLAUSE. It's a tuxedo, very nice. Everyone looking lovely. Gorgeous,
:04:45. > :04:51.the shoes, look at the shoes. high. They're amazing. Now, listen,
:04:51. > :04:56.I want to check before Mr Depp does arrive that there's going to be no
:04:56. > :05:02.abgwardness on -- awkwardness on the sofa, at the Golden Globes you
:05:02. > :05:06.were less than kind about Johnny Depp and Angelina Jolie's film.
:05:06. > :05:10.haven't seen this one. I hadn't seen that one, I still haven't. It
:05:10. > :05:15.didn't stop me, though. He will be all right. Course he will be all
:05:15. > :05:20.right! I didn't buy the controversy really. I think that was the press
:05:20. > :05:30.keeping it going. Who was really offended? Who did I really offend?
:05:30. > :05:35.I was there, I think you offended quite a few people. APPLAUSE.
:05:35. > :05:40.Ridiculous, he is in the new show, you know. Everyone was going, you
:05:40. > :05:43.insulted everyone, Johnny Depp was furious, so I sent him an e-mail
:05:43. > :05:48.and said sorry about the Globes, how would you like to get your own
:05:48. > :05:52.back? He went, I loved it. Of course I wasn't annoyed. It's
:05:52. > :05:57.ridiculous. He wasn't annoyed at all. Was Angelina Jolie in Life's
:05:57. > :06:03.Too Short as well? I didn't ask her, she didn't look so happy. Carey,
:06:03. > :06:09.you blamed Johnny Depp for ruining your hair? No, I played a tiny
:06:09. > :06:14.prostitute part in Public Enemies for a day. You don't mean a dwarf
:06:14. > :06:19.prostitute? You played a tiny prostitute. A tiny prostitute part
:06:19. > :06:25.in Public Enemies and they convinced knee dye my hair white --
:06:25. > :06:31.me to dye my hair white and it fell out. Didn't you kiss him? A lot and
:06:31. > :06:36.it got cut from the film. Poor Johnny Depp. How many times did you
:06:36. > :06:40.ks him? I at this it was 16 because I was so uncomfortable. 16 times.
:06:40. > :06:46.But it got cut out. It got cut because I looked so uncomfortable.
:06:46. > :06:52.Really? Yeah, I was kissing Johnny Depp so I got really nervous.
:06:52. > :07:02.could could blame you. Ed, you have a beef with Johnny Depp? Apart from
:07:02. > :07:02.
:07:03. > :07:11.the fact he stole my my look? I get fed up with being confused with you
:07:11. > :07:17.him all the time, it's annoying. Shall we compare? There is Ed. That
:07:17. > :07:23.is amazing. APPLAUSE. Have you got one of Johnny Vegas
:07:23. > :07:28.for me? No. Right, Carey Mulligan, I love what's happened to you. It's
:07:28. > :07:32.fabulous. Every now and again it happens to someone where no one
:07:32. > :07:36.knew you, suddenly you were nominated for Oscars, the hottest
:07:36. > :07:44.girl on planet earth. Are you comfortable with all this yet?
:07:44. > :07:49.I feel like I have won an aud - no, not at all, it's very strange.
:07:49. > :07:59.is extraordinary is that apart from the odd school play your first ever
:07:59. > :07:59.
:08:00. > :08:06.job was Pride and Prejudice. Yeah, there I am. Oh! Yeah. Better now, I
:08:06. > :08:10.feel. Success has changed you. For the best, I feel. Yeah, it was my
:08:10. > :08:15.first job. I giggled a lot, I I didn't do a lot. Now you have so
:08:15. > :08:22.many people wanted this role, but you are playing Daisy in The Great
:08:22. > :08:27.Gatsby opposite Leonardo Di Caprio. Yes. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Is it a
:08:27. > :08:31.bit the Johnny Depp thing, you are a fan, I assume? Yeah, I grew up
:08:31. > :08:34.watching everything he had ever done. I have to hide my inner fan
:08:35. > :08:38.around him. It's terrible. He claims to not be able to dance and
:08:38. > :08:42.we are doing a dancing scene and I have to hide the fact that I know
:08:42. > :08:50.that he can dance because I have seen him dance in Titanic. I want
:08:50. > :08:53.to make him tap dance, but I don't. Yeah, you are a crap dancer! Great
:08:53. > :08:58.if they rolled that into the dialogue, if you were to say, yeah,
:08:58. > :09:03.I saw you dance in Titanic. You are going back to Australia very soon
:09:03. > :09:07.to finish that film. It's why you are here tonight to talk about
:09:07. > :09:11.Shame because it doesn't really come out until January 13th. Yes.
:09:11. > :09:15.can tell you because I know, it's written down. I have seen a preview
:09:15. > :09:21.of this film, it's an amazing film. Thank you. It's a very different
:09:21. > :09:25.film. For an audience member it's extreme. I am assuming to be in it
:09:26. > :09:32.was quite an extreme experience? It's a little bit racy. It is, it
:09:32. > :09:42.deals with addiction but a particular sort of addiction.
:09:42. > :09:45.
:09:45. > :09:50.This character is addicted. Yeah. He is what? Addicted. Sorry. I am
:09:50. > :09:56.talking around the film. The only ever time I hear that is when they
:09:56. > :10:00.go I am sex addicted, they mean I got caught, now I go to the
:10:00. > :10:05.Priorary. Is there really sex addiction? When you watch this film,
:10:05. > :10:11.it lays him quite low, I would say. OK. I am now going to show you a
:10:11. > :10:15.clip which isn't really about sex or addiction. The only clip that
:10:15. > :10:20.cow show. So it's you, you are a singer, you have just performed a
:10:20. > :10:25.song and you are meeting your brother's boss. Go!
:10:25. > :10:29.We got a problem. Your sister cannot be taking the bus, I know a
:10:29. > :10:34.car who owns a car, we are going to drive around and you are going to
:10:34. > :10:39.learn thousand drive. -- learn how to drive. I would love that. We are
:10:39. > :10:44.going to get you a golf cart. now we are talking. Yeah, everybody
:10:44. > :10:49.should drive golf carts. Right up 5th Avenue. They should, it would
:10:49. > :10:56.be cleaner and greener, it would be great for the city. Sounds great.
:10:56. > :11:04.love your brother. What an amazing man. How long are you here for?
:11:04. > :11:08.don't know. Can I see you again? Please, is that too ford? I I --
:11:08. > :11:14.forward? I find you fascinating. I would love to see you again. Listen,
:11:14. > :11:23.this is a celebration, let's get get champagne. Yes!
:11:23. > :11:27.APPLAUSE. So good in it. You really are. The
:11:27. > :11:31.other thing I love is lots of actors they moan about the
:11:31. > :11:35.lifestyle, having to live in hotels, but presumably you like it because
:11:35. > :11:41.you grew up in hotels? I did. My dad is here. I can't see him,
:11:41. > :11:51.though. But my dad is here. He will be very quiet now. There he is!
:11:51. > :11:53.
:11:53. > :11:56.There is my dad! APPLAUSE. My dad was a hotel manager. Is it a nice
:11:56. > :12:00.life, presumably you don't have to clean up or anything? Yeah, it's
:12:00. > :12:09.very nice. I didn't know anything else. Did you ever have an argument
:12:09. > :12:16.with your parents and they go you treat this house like a - oh!
:12:16. > :12:21.old were you when you got out of hotels? Dad? 13. No, because we
:12:21. > :12:25.move - sorry, stop talking to my dad! You are allowed to talk to
:12:25. > :12:31.your father. When we moved back to London it was like when I was seven
:12:31. > :12:38.and a half. Really, OK. Yes. this comfortable for you, this
:12:38. > :12:42.conversation? Is it more or less comfortable watching a film with
:12:42. > :12:49.your daughter in it about sex addiction? Has your dad seen it.
:12:49. > :12:55.not allowed. Can I not - can I just say, don't. I can't imagine a
:12:55. > :13:00.father enjoying it. I am embarrassed for you. There's
:13:00. > :13:03.nothing worse. It's very good and she's nominated for an Oscar, you
:13:03. > :13:13.will enjoy that. It will be great. I don't watch people having sex
:13:13. > :13:16.with my mum and dad. People are having sex with your mum and dad?
:13:16. > :13:20.Listen, ladies and gentlemen, apparently Johnny Depp will be here
:13:20. > :13:28.shortly, I am told. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. A lot of love in the room.
:13:28. > :13:33.A few fans in the audience. Ed, you are touring at the moment. Yeah.
:13:33. > :13:37.Very quickly, do you still have the vile cat? I still have a cat, yeah,
:13:37. > :13:41.he is not that vile but he brings in things and it's a bit disgusting.
:13:41. > :13:48.He seems worse than most cats. is very good at bringing stuff in
:13:48. > :13:56.from inside. Didn't he bring in a tpezant? A live pheazant. That's
:13:56. > :14:03.the biggest thing still he has brought in. He brought in, it was
:14:03. > :14:06.one of those things, all right, have you ever had a blue tit or a
:14:06. > :14:12.chaffinch get in your house, they suddenly seem massive, you are
:14:12. > :14:17.being terrified. See a pheasant, they're big outside. In your living
:14:17. > :14:21.room they're enormous. Certain things seem bigger inside than
:14:21. > :14:27.outside and you ladies would do well to bear that in mind. It was
:14:27. > :14:31.the funniest thing and this pheasant, which wasn't keen on
:14:31. > :14:36.moving out. Looking at the cat like I am annoyed with him but I am also
:14:36. > :14:40.impressed he's done this and he is looking back at me like he is
:14:40. > :14:46.impressed but also scared. Going, I know, it's massive, isn't it? I
:14:46. > :14:53.will be honest, I thought it was big when it was outside, it's huge.
:14:53. > :14:57.Anyway, I got you this. If you don't want it put it on ebay.
:14:57. > :15:07.you brought home some terrible stuff. Can I just say, it's my
:15:07. > :15:10.
:15:10. > :15:17.I am allowed! Ed, you are on tour until the 9th December. The DVD is
:15:17. > :15:27.out there. Do I hear the clinking of rum bottles? The buckling of
:15:27. > :15:47.
:15:47. > :15:57.swash? Yes, he is here, please They are excited. They are very
:15:57. > :16:10.
:16:10. > :16:16.excited. How are you, sir? I am Presumably... Is that enjoyable?
:16:16. > :16:22.is a pleasure, yes. How was the premiere? It was good, yes, very
:16:22. > :16:29.good. And the crowd showed up and screamed? There was a bit of that.
:16:29. > :16:36.Does it get out of hand? There is a picture from the New York premiere
:16:37. > :16:46.of The Rum Diary. What went on? was the high Mick manoeuvre. I had
:16:46. > :16:54.something lodged. Really? No, No. You I just being manhandled by
:16:54. > :16:58.somebody. A I was. I have to press charges. We are delighted you are
:16:58. > :17:03.here, I'm surprised you were here so quickly, because you are so
:17:03. > :17:08.lovely tee off fans, that the story of you as Captain Jack, darling to
:17:08. > :17:15.see that little girl in Greenwich, that is an amazing story. -- are
:17:15. > :17:19.going to see that little girl. got a letter, I got this week
:17:19. > :17:25.little letter from a little girl who was going to school three
:17:25. > :17:30.minutes away from where we were shooting. And she said, we need to
:17:30. > :17:38.escape. So I thought, on a lunch break, we will go over. Bring about
:17:38. > :17:47.12 pirates, and go ape! And we did. And it was really, really fun and
:17:47. > :17:57.really sweet. Some were scared, very scared. How the hell did that
:17:57. > :18:04.
:18:04. > :18:10.Let's talk about The Rum Diary. Presumably, a real labour of love
:18:10. > :18:15.for you. You found the original manuscript 14 years...? I was with
:18:15. > :18:19.Hunter S Thompson, and we were looking through the manuscript for
:18:19. > :18:23.fear and loathing in Las Vegas, I was preparing for the film, and I
:18:23. > :18:31.found this other box, and there was The Rum Diary. And he didn't
:18:31. > :18:40.remember writing it? No, No. That is kind of a stretch. He didn't
:18:40. > :18:43.remember writing it, it was written in 1959, 1960. I talked him into it.
:18:43. > :18:48.And it is presumably semi- autobiographical? Most definitely.
:18:48. > :18:53.So it was kind of the Hunter S Thompson before he found his voice,
:18:53. > :18:56.before he found the avenue for the rage. So he was a journalist in
:18:56. > :19:03.Puerto Rico, going through these adventures? You were a good friend
:19:03. > :19:10.with him? Most definitely. sounds like the sort of person,
:19:10. > :19:14.quite hard to be friends... Could you relax with him? Oh, yeah.
:19:14. > :19:20.Really? Tell us about the first time you ever met him. The first
:19:20. > :19:25.time I met him, it was a part in Woody Creek, Colorado, I was
:19:25. > :19:28.sitting at the back, there was a scheduled meeting. It was about
:19:28. > :19:34.midnight, I was sitting at the back of this bar, and suddenly the front
:19:34. > :19:38.door opened, and I saw sparks. These hideous barks that what kind
:19:38. > :19:46.of every where. And then I realised as he came closer, the sea was
:19:46. > :19:51.parting. People were screaming. Hurling themselves out of the way.
:19:51. > :19:57.Basically, in his left hand, he had a 3 ft cattle prod, and in his
:19:57. > :20:04.right hand, he had a tasered gun. The next thing I heard was, "out of
:20:04. > :20:14.the way, you bustards". Then we should hands, and went back to his
:20:14. > :20:15.
:20:15. > :20:24.house. And I shot it with a shotgun. And it went off? Yes. It was an 80
:20:24. > :20:29.ft fireball, huge. That sounds like fun, but again, I wouldn't relax. I
:20:29. > :20:33.wouldn't sleep and that house. You slept in the house. It wasn't a
:20:34. > :20:38.council house! I was going to invite you back to mind after this,
:20:38. > :20:48.but I think you would be disappointed. I can bring things to
:20:48. > :20:52.
:20:52. > :20:57.blow up. Struck something to the cat! He looks so big in the House!
:20:57. > :21:06.When he died, the Ashes thing, was that your idea, was that in his
:21:06. > :21:11.will? What he wanted was to be blown out of a 150 ft cannon. And
:21:11. > :21:18.shot into the stratosphere. And I think he knew that I was the only
:21:18. > :21:25.one stupid enough to make that happen. And I did. Did it work?
:21:25. > :21:29.yeah! We are going to show a clip of The Rum Diary, it opens on 11th
:21:30. > :21:34.November. You have had a big night here, you have lost at the front
:21:34. > :21:44.seat. Yes, our car has been stripped. But you need to get back
:21:44. > :21:55.
:21:55. > :22:05.What is that? Too much weight on the axle. Try and move forward a
:22:05. > :22:08.
:22:08. > :22:18.bit. I'm going to be a week late. What I do you doing? I suddenly
:22:18. > :22:35.
:22:35. > :22:41.Oh my God, it is the coppers we set It is a very funny film, but it is
:22:41. > :22:47.also a romantic film. She is so beautiful. Yes, she is a call back
:22:47. > :22:52.to the old school movie stars. is nearly as beautiful as Carey
:22:52. > :22:56.Mulligan. On the verge. I walked into a room with her last weekend I
:22:56. > :23:02.almost fell over, I couldn't look her in the eye, she sort of
:23:02. > :23:08.blindingly beautiful. Even I noticed! She is incredibly
:23:08. > :23:12.beautiful. It strikes me that in the beginning of your career, you
:23:12. > :23:22.must have had so much pressure to go down the sort of handsome
:23:22. > :23:27.
:23:27. > :23:37.leading man that route. Was it hard I think it has been tough on Ready,
:23:37. > :23:45.I really do! He suffers. -- on Ricky. Do your pout? Come on.
:23:45. > :23:55.one you stole off me! By the way, I really love your band. I really do.
:23:55. > :24:01.
:24:01. > :24:06.Jarvis Cocker, ladies and gentlemen! Jarvis Cocker, from Blur.
:24:06. > :24:11.I think, what is amazing about you is you have turned from being a
:24:11. > :24:18.real character actor, in two, you are the best character actor in the
:24:18. > :24:22.world. Most character actors also appearing, you have turned been a
:24:22. > :24:27.character actor into been a global superstar. I think it is some form
:24:27. > :24:32.of schizophrenia that has just worked for me. Those characters,
:24:32. > :24:35.they are so big, Captain Jack Sparrow, the Mad Hatter, do you
:24:35. > :24:41.come to be set with those fully formed, or do you work with the
:24:41. > :24:51.director, how does it happened? Generally, they are born out of...
:24:51. > :24:57.I have had characters born out of the sauna. A take it easy. You can
:24:57. > :25:03.feel it coming on, can't you? audience are always going to be on
:25:03. > :25:07.your side. No, these characters that are born out of strange,
:25:07. > :25:17.extreme heat, all these thoughts and stuff, you bring it to set, and
:25:17. > :25:17.
:25:17. > :25:24.it is what I enjoy, the extreme... Quiet at the end of the first take.
:25:24. > :25:28.Action, you go and do your bit, and then suddenly, you hear, "cut!"
:25:28. > :25:33.silence. So does that give you pleasure, when the studio
:25:33. > :25:38.executives are... Of course. That is the only way you know you're
:25:38. > :25:43.doing the right thing. Do they usually have a conversation with
:25:43. > :25:53.you, are you doing that for the whole film...? Is generally start
:25:53. > :25:58.
:25:58. > :26:05.But you know... You would just swinging, you have a big stick, and
:26:05. > :26:13.you are swimming. -- swinging. broke a window. He threw Alekna
:26:13. > :26:17.through a window, smashed the window. -- a lemon. He always seems
:26:17. > :26:21.shy, but he wasn't shy on this day, and he has got a wicked sense of
:26:21. > :26:29.humour. If people knew what he was really like, his career would be
:26:29. > :26:34.over. So in one scene, I am helping... I am helping Warwick get
:26:34. > :26:38.shoved down the toilet, as you do. I am begging his legs in, I'm
:26:38. > :26:47.saying, if it breaks, we get another one in. I'm laughing, and
:26:47. > :26:56.Warwick is laughing. At one point, he goes, "look at Johnny!" and he
:26:56. > :27:00.says to me, "you don't mind if I masturbate what you're doing that?"
:27:00. > :27:07.and someone took a picture of the moment, but he had stopped by then.
:27:07. > :27:17.I think we have got a picture. Is that why you are laughing so much?
:27:17. > :27:22.
:27:22. > :27:28.But I had finished by then. Sir your art in Life's Too Short,
:27:29. > :27:34.it starts on November tent, and you lie in episode two. Is it fair to
:27:34. > :27:44.say this is more like Extras than the office? It is kind of like both,
:27:44. > :27:45.
:27:45. > :27:49.it is a fake documentary, but if the Office reflected those quaint
:27:49. > :27:56.docusoaps from the Nineties, this is much more up-to-date, with B-
:27:56. > :28:06.list celebrities, leaving their lifelike an open wound. Like Peter
:28:06. > :28:06.
:28:06. > :28:09.Andre. I will not be at any one! I suppose he has got a terrible
:28:10. > :28:15.accountant, so he has got a tax bill, his career is on the slide,
:28:15. > :28:19.he is not getting films any more, so he agreed to do this fly-on-the-
:28:19. > :28:23.wall, let the cameras into his house, to try and get back onto the
:28:23. > :28:29.top, he is a manipulative, he runs an agency, but he steals all the
:28:29. > :28:35.best jobs for himself. He let out all the other dwarfs to be human
:28:35. > :28:41.bowling balls and stuff. And Johnny is playing himself, and he is doing
:28:41. > :28:48.a new Dumbarton dawn, Rumpelstiltskin. -- a new Tim
:28:48. > :28:51.Burton film. Honestly, it was an incredible day, it was the last day
:28:51. > :28:58.of shooting, and it was amazing. The things he came up with, making
:28:58. > :29:04.Warwick do. He came out of nowhere. He made him dance for about eight
:29:04. > :29:14.minutes. We have got a clip of Johnny and Warwick and yourself and
:29:14. > :29:17.
:29:17. > :29:26.Here they are, the lads. Have you met before? Johnny, this is Stephen.
:29:26. > :29:29.And Ricky there. I remember him from the Golden Globes. Just doing
:29:30. > :29:39.another film that is going to make loads of money. Probably a lot more
:29:40. > :29:40.
:29:40. > :29:46.money than any film you have ever made. Good. Just writing, I write
:29:46. > :29:50.and direct all my own stuff. great for you. That must be so
:29:50. > :29:55.great. I'm working with a great director now, Tim Burton, have you
:29:55. > :29:58.heard of him? The film itself is really brilliant. I'm playing a
:29:58. > :30:05.really interesting character. Do you have any idea who might leading
:30:05. > :30:12.lady is in this film? In the Tim Burton film a? Helena Bonham
:30:12. > :30:16.Carter? Attack in the dark. Have I done something to offend you?
:30:16. > :30:23.do you mean? Trashing the in front of 200 million people at the Golden
:30:23. > :30:27.Globes? That was a while ago, they were jokes, Johnny. You like jokes?
:30:27. > :30:36.Because I got together with a few pals after the awards, and we wrote
:30:36. > :30:46.some jokes, about you. Did you notice, are you are going to carry
:30:46. > :30:57.
:30:57. > :31:01.this the EU for the rest of your In terms of controversy, Ricky, you
:31:01. > :31:05.are not shy. Do you like getting into trouble, do you like...?
:31:05. > :31:15.don't get into trouble. I am a comedian. Fred West gets into
:31:15. > :31:17.
:31:17. > :31:22.trouble. There's paedophiles with careers, what have I ever done?
:31:22. > :31:27.the end of the Golden Globes, just in case you never anyone unoffended
:31:27. > :31:33.how did you sign off? I thanked everyone and thanks to God for
:31:33. > :31:41.making me an atheist. You can say here but in America they take that
:31:41. > :31:48.stuff seriously. Yeah, there's about 10% is athist. They were
:31:48. > :31:51.founded by it. God lives in the Mid-west. He has a place there.
:31:51. > :31:57.it the next day, after the Golden Globes that someone sent you a
:31:57. > :32:01.picture of the Church? Oh, yeah. I think some Reverend somewhere or
:32:01. > :32:06.some Bishop did a sermon for me to save my soul because I am going to
:32:06. > :32:13.hell, of course. This is the picture. That's real. It's real,
:32:13. > :32:19.yeah. A sermon for Ricky Gervais. Was it the same day... That's in LA.
:32:19. > :32:24.In New York they named a sandwich after me. See in the window there,
:32:24. > :32:32.a sandwich for Ricky Gervais. I am going to hell, but there's
:32:32. > :32:36.cheese and ham. You are a comedian, but as actors do you need to be
:32:36. > :32:40.more careful about what you say and do? I heard, presumably because you
:32:40. > :32:44.are Johnny Depp, like I read a story, because you were coming from
:32:44. > :32:49.Lima to Miami I think and you were stopped at customs? Oh, yeah.
:32:49. > :32:56.you hadn't been Johnny Depp they probably wouldn't have stopped you.
:32:56. > :32:59.Its an interesting route, Lima, Peru to Miami. It does sound like a
:32:59. > :33:05.drug run. They were already expecting some things and I did
:33:05. > :33:14.have some things. There was a soft bag and the customs guy said do you
:33:14. > :33:22.mind opening this up? He said first what is in there? I said stuffed
:33:22. > :33:25.piranhas. And some vampire bats. Unzipped. And then there just
:33:25. > :33:30.happened to be some sort of vitamin powder that I was taking at the
:33:30. > :33:40.time. Yes, Johnny. In all serious seriousness. Otherwise I would
:33:40. > :33:41.
:33:41. > :33:50.still be in jail. When I unzipped it, poof! And there were these
:33:50. > :33:56.piranhas and bats covered in white powder. Never mind the "Coe cane" -
:33:56. > :34:02.- "cocaine", why did you have you bats and piranhas? It was important.
:34:02. > :34:07.I had to brining them home. The guy thought he had found the motherload.
:34:07. > :34:13.Two-hander. He didn't go through with it, just so you know. I am
:34:13. > :34:19.still a virgin, oh, I was until Ricky. Did you say that's vitamin
:34:19. > :34:24.powder, and he believed you? He did not believe me. What did they do?
:34:24. > :34:30.Everyone came out with guns and things like that. Wow. Did you put
:34:30. > :34:36.a knife and go up the rigging to get away? That's what I would have
:34:36. > :34:41.done. Were you in trouble at customs, Ed? I remember immigration
:34:41. > :34:46.in the States one time, I panicked, the guy was like what do you do? I
:34:46. > :34:49.was a comedian, straightway he goes tell me a joke and I panicked,
:34:49. > :34:53.because if this isn't funny he is not going to believe me and I can't
:34:53. > :34:55.get in. Straightaway I go what do you call an American - oh, no.
:34:56. > :35:00.That's not going to work. I say something and terrorism and
:35:00. > :35:05.something like that and I just panicked and I came out with a joke
:35:05. > :35:10.that wasn't that funny. Why do Morris dancers wear bells, so the
:35:10. > :35:17.blind can be irritated by them as well. He doesn't know what a Morris
:35:17. > :35:27.dancer is. It was the worst heckle I have ever had, he just went, I am
:35:27. > :35:28.
:35:29. > :35:33.going to put actor. APPLAUSE. Thank you all very much for being here
:35:33. > :35:37.tonight. In a moment we will have tonight's stories in the red chair,
:35:37. > :35:47.but first music. Singing their new single This Isn't Everything You
:35:47. > :35:55.
:35:55. > :36:05.# You can't find the phone # So you can call it off
:36:05. > :36:07.
:36:07. > :36:13.# But it might be for the best # You can't walk away, anyway
:36:13. > :36:20.# Because you've nowhere else to go # Is he worth all this
:36:20. > :36:27.# Is it a simple yes? # Cause if you have to think
:36:27. > :36:34.# Feels like you loved him more # Than he loved you
:36:34. > :36:38.# And you wish you had never met # Don't keel over now
:36:38. > :36:48.# Don't keel over # Don't keel over now
:36:48. > :36:50.
:36:50. > :36:53.# Don't keel over # And in one little moment it all
:36:53. > :36:57.implodes # This isn't everything you are
:36:57. > :37:05.# Breathe deeply in the silence # No sudden moves
:37:05. > :37:13.# This isn't everything you are # Just take the hand that's offered
:37:13. > :37:16.# And hold on tight # This isn't everything you are
:37:16. > :37:26.# There's joy not far from here, right
:37:26. > :37:31.
:37:31. > :37:37.# I know there is # This isn't everything you are
:37:37. > :37:45.# When you took the call # How could you know
:37:45. > :37:54.# That he'd slipped away last night # And you wish you went home days
:37:54. > :37:59.# To say goodbye or just hello # Don't keel over now
:37:59. > :38:05.# Don't keel over # Don't keel over now
:38:05. > :38:12.# Don't keel over # And in one little moment
:38:12. > :38:17.# It all implodes # This isn't everything you are
:38:17. > :38:26.# Breathe deeply in the silence # No sudden moves
:38:26. > :38:32.# This isn't everything you are # Just take the hand that's offered
:38:32. > :38:37.# And hold on tight # This isn't everything you are you
:38:37. > :38:47.# There's joy not far from here right
:38:47. > :39:19.
:39:19. > :39:29.# I know there is Oh, this isn't everything you are
:39:29. > :39:43.
:39:43. > :39:50.# This isn't everything you are APPLAUSE AND CHEERING. Snow Patrol,
:39:50. > :39:56.ladies and gentlemen! Beautiful! That was brilliant. It's the new
:39:56. > :39:59.single out from 13th, from their album Fallen Empires, released the
:39:59. > :40:05.following day. Before we go tonight let's have a story or two in the
:40:05. > :40:12.red chair. Who is up first? Hello, Sir? What's your name? Mohammad.
:40:12. > :40:17.What do do you? I am a student. Radioography. A proper job! Off you
:40:17. > :40:25.go with the story. When I was seven years old I went on holiday with my
:40:25. > :40:35.mother to Egypt and during my time there I saw a donkey that was fully
:40:35. > :40:39.
:40:39. > :40:44.erect. APPLAUSE. Do you mean he was standing up? So, tell us your best
:40:44. > :40:50.story, I saw a donkey with an erection. OK, so you were shocked?
:40:50. > :40:55.I was shocked and I was like, mum, what is this thing hanging out and
:40:55. > :41:00.she said it's a spare leg. After that I was like, what is it for?
:41:00. > :41:04.Then she reemployed when donkeys are happy they have five legs, and
:41:04. > :41:10.when they're sad they tkoepbl have four. -- they only have four. A
:41:10. > :41:17.week after I went back to school and my teacher asked us to draw a
:41:17. > :41:27.picture of anything recently, anything interesting. This is a
:41:27. > :41:27.
:41:27. > :41:32.good story. APPLAUSE. I drew two pictures of a donkey, one was happy
:41:32. > :41:40.and the other one was sad. We love your story, Mohammad. You can go,
:41:40. > :41:47.well done, Sir. APPLAUSE. Who is next? Hello.
:41:47. > :41:51.What is your name? My name is Brook. What do you do? I work in PR.
:41:51. > :41:57.yes, very vague! Off you go with your delightful tale. I actually
:41:57. > :42:02.have a story about one of your guests. Oh-oh! I was riding the
:42:02. > :42:07.tube home from work one day and I saw someone who looked suspiciously
:42:07. > :42:11.like a celebrity that I happen to adore, and he was wearing a
:42:11. > :42:18.stocking cap and sunglasses and I noticed that he had a tattoo on his
:42:18. > :42:24.arm that said "jack" I leaned over and said excuse me are you who I
:42:24. > :42:29.think you are and he looked at me and said, why, yes, I am Brad Pitt.
:42:29. > :42:39.Needless to say it wasn't Brad Pitt and I got a great photo with Mr
:42:39. > :42:39.
:42:39. > :42:49.Johnny Depp on the platform at Bank station. Is that true? APPLAUSE.
:42:49. > :42:55.the tube? Yeah. Yeah, it's true. You were with a BBC journalist.
:42:55. > :43:02.think you might just have a picture with some man. Or bizarrely a
:43:02. > :43:08.picture with Brad Pitt. We should take a picture now. Do you want a
:43:08. > :43:15.picture now? Yes, please. Quick, run around. That's very nice of you.
:43:15. > :43:22.Run! Run, Brook!
:43:22. > :43:27.It's really nice to see you again. Stand together and we will take a
:43:27. > :43:32.screen grab of you. There you go. We will get that to you. All right,
:43:32. > :43:36.well done, Brook. Well done everyone. If you would like to join
:43:36. > :43:42.us on the show and have a go on the red chair you can contact us via
:43:42. > :43:50.our website. Thank you so much to my guests. Snow Patrol, Ed Byrne,
:43:50. > :44:00.Carey Mulligan, Ricky Gervais and Johnny Depp!
:44:00. > :44:00.