0:00:02 > 0:00:04Tonight on the show, this year's Eurovision hopeful.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07Can we have the comments from the Swedish jury? Hello, Stockholm?
0:00:07 > 0:00:11Oh! Hello, London!
0:00:11 > 0:00:15Thank you for this wonderful show you are giving us.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18And can I say, you are looking gorgeous.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21And can I say, you're looking repulsive.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23Let's start the show!
0:00:23 > 0:00:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:41 > 0:00:43Hello! Hello!
0:00:43 > 0:00:47Hello, everybody!
0:00:47 > 0:00:51Good evening and welcome, one and all!
0:00:51 > 0:00:54I know what you're thinking, nul points for acting,
0:00:54 > 0:00:57but, ladies and gentlemen, we've got douze points for our guests tonight.
0:00:57 > 0:00:59From Twilight and the new Snow White film,
0:00:59 > 0:01:02the gorgeous Kristen Stewart is here!
0:01:02 > 0:01:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:06 > 0:01:10America's funniest stand-up comedian, Chris Rock is on the show!
0:01:10 > 0:01:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:15From Episodes, one of my favourite actors,
0:01:15 > 0:01:17Stephen Mangan is on the show.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:24And much excitement, Britain's Eurovision entry,
0:01:24 > 0:01:27the musical legend that is Engelbert Humperdinck is here!
0:01:27 > 0:01:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:30 > 0:01:36Oh, yeah! Hear, hear! The Hump, The Hump, The Hump.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38Engelbert Humperdinck.
0:01:38 > 0:01:41Surely one of the biggest names we've ever had on the show.
0:01:41 > 0:01:43LAUGHTER
0:01:43 > 0:01:47Certainly the highest scoring in Scrabble.
0:01:47 > 0:01:51Sorry, kids, "Words With Friends". So they understand!
0:01:51 > 0:01:55This year's Eurovision is off to Azerbaijan,
0:01:55 > 0:01:59in the very heart of Europe, just between Syria and Iran.
0:01:59 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:04 > 0:02:09I've had to have injections! That's not Europe!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13Engelbert isn't the oldest performer in this year's Eurovision.
0:02:13 > 0:02:14Here's Russia's entry.
0:02:14 > 0:02:16LAUGHTER
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Ah, there they are! The Last Of The Summer Vodka.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24LAUGHTER
0:02:24 > 0:02:25I haven't learnt all of their names
0:02:25 > 0:02:28but I think the one on the end is Potato Spice.
0:02:28 > 0:02:30LAUGHTER
0:02:30 > 0:02:31Wait a minute,
0:02:31 > 0:02:36if they're singing in Eurovision, who's cleaning my house?
0:02:36 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER AND GASPS
0:02:40 > 0:02:44I'm worried! It's going to be a great competition this year.
0:02:44 > 0:02:46Greece? Really going for it!
0:02:46 > 0:02:49They are spending every penny the country has on their band.
0:02:49 > 0:02:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:56 > 0:03:0111 euros, ladies and gentlemen. 11 euros.
0:03:01 > 0:03:04I've been to Azerbaijan before, actually. I have, yeah.
0:03:04 > 0:03:07It's where you land when you fly to Paris with EasyJet.
0:03:07 > 0:03:09LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:13Now, it is a long flight, and I'm just hoping I don't get sat next to
0:03:13 > 0:03:16any of those nutters who go every year. You know...
0:03:16 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:22Ireland is represented by Jedward, again.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24CHEERING
0:03:24 > 0:03:25Yes, yes.
0:03:27 > 0:03:30I'm sure the Azerbaijanis will greet them with open arms.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:35 > 0:03:37Wait till they see me!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- Let's get the guests on! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:40 > 0:03:45Later on, I'll be getting The Hump. Engelbert Humperdinck will be here!
0:03:45 > 0:03:50But first, this is going to be one of my favourite "Episodes", it's Stephen Mangan!
0:03:50 > 0:03:56Suited and booted. Hello, sir. How are you? Very nice to see you!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58Have a seat, have a seat.
0:03:58 > 0:04:02He's the jewel in America's comedy crown, it's Chris Rock!
0:04:02 > 0:04:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:05 > 0:04:11- Thank you, thank you! - Lovely to see you! Have a seat. Chris Rock, ladies and gentlemen!
0:04:11 > 0:04:14And she's a guest I can really sink my teeth into,
0:04:14 > 0:04:15it's Kristen Stewart!
0:04:15 > 0:04:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:17 > 0:04:20Hello, lovely lady! How are you?
0:04:21 > 0:04:24Sit down, sit down, sit down, sit down.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28I need to start that European thing. I always go for one.
0:04:28 > 0:04:31Did the kissing confuse you? I'm sorry.
0:04:31 > 0:04:34Every time, I just can't get it straight, no matter what.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38- It's Europe, we kiss a lot. Keep kissing, you'll offend no-one. - Awesome.
0:04:38 > 0:04:41Obviously there's some Twi-hards here.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43SCREAMING
0:04:43 > 0:04:46And they spent MINUTES making those signs.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48LAUGHTER
0:04:48 > 0:04:49You must feel so loved right now!
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Oh, come on. LAUGHTER
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Are they everywhere you go?
0:04:54 > 0:04:56I guess... You can't always necessarily tell.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59I have gotten better at spotting them, though.
0:04:59 > 0:05:01A few characteristics always give them away.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04I see what you mean...
0:05:04 > 0:05:06LAUGHTER
0:05:06 > 0:05:09But, you have a good rep for spending time with the fans.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12On blogs, they say you're really nice to them.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Well, I really like them.- Ah!
0:05:15 > 0:05:19They give you lots of money. I'd like 'em too!
0:05:19 > 0:05:22LAUGHTER
0:05:22 > 0:05:24Chris Rock, do you get mobbed on the street?
0:05:24 > 0:05:26Yeah, just by the Twilight fans.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:33They just run up and bite me, "Arrrgh! Twilight, bitch!"
0:05:33 > 0:05:34What was that about?
0:05:34 > 0:05:37You must have a whole new group of kids who love you now.
0:05:37 > 0:05:43Kids do love me, and I love them, not in a Michael Jackson way!
0:05:43 > 0:05:44LAUGHTER
0:05:44 > 0:05:47I know he's dead, but come on!
0:05:49 > 0:05:53- It's like that's all been forgotten now.- Yeah!
0:05:53 > 0:05:56No, kids love me, because I'm Marty the Zebra, from Madagascar.
0:05:56 > 0:05:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:00 > 0:06:03Do you have to just stand there, doing the voice?
0:06:03 > 0:06:05I do the voice quite often.
0:06:05 > 0:06:09I had to read to my daughter's class, a couple of days ago.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12They have this thing called "A Mystery Reader",
0:06:12 > 0:06:15and it means every week one parent will read to the class.
0:06:15 > 0:06:20And last week I read Curious George Goes To The Hospital.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23- A beautiful story.- Yes, the greatest story of all time(!)
0:06:23 > 0:06:25LAUGHTER
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Anyway, I read the story and then they were like, "Can you do Marty?
0:06:29 > 0:06:33"Can you sing Afro Circus?"
0:06:33 > 0:06:34And I'm just like...
0:06:34 > 0:06:36SINGS CIRCUS THEME
0:06:36 > 0:06:38LAUGHTER
0:06:38 > 0:06:40- Anything for my child.- Aww!
0:06:40 > 0:06:43And Stephen Mangan, you get recognised
0:06:43 > 0:06:47but some of the recognition sounds really annoying.
0:06:47 > 0:06:51- Do you know what I'm talking about? - I do know, yes, "Dan".- Yes.
0:06:51 > 0:06:54Do you know a show called Alan Partridge, have you heard of that?
0:06:54 > 0:06:58Big show over here, Steve Coogan played this DJ.
0:06:58 > 0:07:00I thought you were Steve Coogan.
0:07:00 > 0:07:02LAUGHTER
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Well, you're not the first.
0:07:04 > 0:07:08You're not Steve Coogan?! What the hell is he doing here?
0:07:08 > 0:07:10LAUGHTER
0:07:10 > 0:07:13They told me Steve Coogan was on the show.
0:07:13 > 0:07:17- That's the only reason I did it. - You'll love Stephen, you'll love him.- OK.
0:07:17 > 0:07:19Well, I was cast in this thing
0:07:19 > 0:07:21- because I play Steve Coogan's doppelganger.- OK.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23A guy called Dan, and there's a scene in it
0:07:23 > 0:07:25where he spots me across a car park and shouts, "Dan!"
0:07:25 > 0:07:27In the script it just says, "Dan",
0:07:27 > 0:07:29but on the day Steve shouted, "Dan!" about 70 times,
0:07:29 > 0:07:32"Dan! Dan! Dan!
0:07:32 > 0:07:34"Dan! Dan!"
0:07:34 > 0:07:36And it became a bit of a thing,
0:07:36 > 0:07:40so every time I go to a shop, not every time, but a lot,
0:07:40 > 0:07:43I'll go to the shop and the guy at the checkout... "Dan! Dan!"
0:07:43 > 0:07:45And to make it work, you have to do it 15 times.
0:07:45 > 0:07:48- So I just stand there. - You are no Steve Coogan.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51LAUGHTER
0:07:51 > 0:07:54I mean, you're good, I'm sure you're good.
0:07:55 > 0:07:57Oh, dear!
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Now, Twi-hards, don't worry, we are talking about Twilight,
0:08:00 > 0:08:03- we will be talking about Twilight later.- Yes!
0:08:03 > 0:08:06But first, let's talk about your new movie,
0:08:06 > 0:08:10- EMPHATICALLY:- Snow White And The Huntsman.- Oh, God! I'm excited now!
0:08:10 > 0:08:13- I know.- "Snow White And The Huntsman!"
0:08:13 > 0:08:16I read for one of the dwarfs.
0:08:16 > 0:08:18I auditioned for Blacky, little dwarf.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20LAUGHTER
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Didn't get it.
0:08:23 > 0:08:25Obviously we think we know the story of Snow White
0:08:25 > 0:08:29but what makes this different? Obviously it's a kind of retelling.
0:08:29 > 0:08:34Well, I think everybody thinks they know exactly what will happen.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37And I do think...we do a fairly classical telling of the story,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39in terms of who she is as a character.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42But we live in a much more dangerous world.
0:08:42 > 0:08:45Every time you think destiny has your back,
0:08:45 > 0:08:48he's going to screw you over.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52So she starts off as a stunted child. Crazy, emotionally, socially,
0:08:52 > 0:08:55like a freak of nature.
0:08:55 > 0:08:56And she becomes Snow White,
0:08:56 > 0:09:00- in the face of difficult adversity, you know.- Yes.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02So they're trying to kill you, huh?
0:09:02 > 0:09:06Ever been in a movie where people weren't trying to kill you?
0:09:06 > 0:09:07LAUGHTER
0:09:07 > 0:09:11It's like they need to! "I got to kill her."
0:09:11 > 0:09:15We can not let Kristen Stewart live to the end.
0:09:15 > 0:09:18The movie, Snow White And The Huntsman,
0:09:18 > 0:09:20it's going to be in the cinemas on the 1st of June.
0:09:20 > 0:09:27We have a clip, and I think this is you and the huntsman in danger.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29I'll say no more. Here we go.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30- What is it?- Shush.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36GROWLING
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Troll!
0:09:48 > 0:09:50Run!
0:10:07 > 0:10:08SHE SCREAMS
0:10:21 > 0:10:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:23 > 0:10:24You could smell that.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33It's like an ad for Listerine, isn't it?
0:10:33 > 0:10:35That's the Snow White I grew up with!
0:10:35 > 0:10:40There's lots of big fight scenes in it, and you do a lot of the fighting.
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Didn't you injure Chris Hemsworth?
0:10:43 > 0:10:47You know, he needed a bit of roughing up.
0:10:47 > 0:10:49But, no disrespect,
0:10:49 > 0:10:52you don't look strong enough to have really injured Chris Hemsworth?
0:10:52 > 0:10:55- Come on, really? - It's the movies, man!
0:10:55 > 0:11:01I don't want to challenge you to a fight, you'll win, you're fine.
0:11:01 > 0:11:03Did you stop production or anything?
0:11:03 > 0:11:06I punched him right out of his close-up.
0:11:06 > 0:11:11It's funny now, but when it happened, I instantly was like,
0:11:11 > 0:11:13"I've just ruined the movie," because I loved this thing,
0:11:13 > 0:11:15and I thought that we'd have to stop filming,
0:11:15 > 0:11:20I thought he was going to start crying. He did kind of cry.
0:11:20 > 0:11:22He spun right out of it.
0:11:22 > 0:11:24- Wow.- He's kind of a dickhead, too.
0:11:24 > 0:11:26LAUGHTER
0:11:26 > 0:11:29He's like the nicest guy in the world. I was really lucky that I happened to clock Chris.
0:11:29 > 0:11:31It couldn't be a better person.
0:11:31 > 0:11:34- I've worked with him, just now, he is a dickhead.- Horrible.
0:11:34 > 0:11:36LAUGHTER
0:11:36 > 0:11:38Lots of actors, things go wrong on stage,
0:11:38 > 0:11:42but you have a list of terrible things that have happened to you.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44I don't know how that happens to me.
0:11:44 > 0:11:47I did a play where I had to fire a gun,
0:11:47 > 0:11:48and a woman in the second row
0:11:48 > 0:11:51had audibly gone to sleep about 20 minutes before.
0:11:51 > 0:11:54I fired the gun, and I was sort of keeping an eye out for her,
0:11:54 > 0:11:56because I thought, "This'll wake her up."
0:11:56 > 0:11:59And she woke up, and there's a big pause on stage
0:11:59 > 0:12:02and a big pause from her as well, and she gets up and shuffles out.
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And you hear her friend saying, "Where are you going?"
0:12:05 > 0:12:07She said, "I've shit myself."
0:12:07 > 0:12:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:12:13 > 0:12:16The theatre, it's a classy enterprise.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20Listen, we've got to talk about Breaking Dawn, Part Two.
0:12:20 > 0:12:24Is it finally finished? You've been finishing it for some time.
0:12:24 > 0:12:26I've finished it so many times.
0:12:26 > 0:12:28I hope we're done now.
0:12:28 > 0:12:30It must be like, do you say goodbye to everyone,
0:12:30 > 0:12:33it must be like a Cher concert.
0:12:33 > 0:12:35Bye-bye! Bye-bye! Bye-bye!
0:12:35 > 0:12:39Every time I wrap a Twilight movie, it is like a Cher concert.
0:12:39 > 0:12:42That's my ultimate goal in life, actually.
0:12:42 > 0:12:46This one, am I right in thinking you are a vampire in this one?
0:12:46 > 0:12:47Finally, yeah.
0:12:47 > 0:12:49- You finally become a vampire?- Yeah.
0:12:49 > 0:12:53Now, the last Twilight was quite raunchy, was quite out there.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56Yeah, it was pretty full on.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00But, in this one, is there less... obviously you have a baby now.
0:13:00 > 0:13:02Vampire babies, they grow up so fast,
0:13:02 > 0:13:07there's a lot of work involved in a vampire baby, I imagine?
0:13:07 > 0:13:09Yeah, it's a funny thing.
0:13:09 > 0:13:14They... As soon as she becomes a vampire, they kind of ignore their duties,
0:13:14 > 0:13:18instantly they just want to bone, it's the most ridiculous equation.
0:13:18 > 0:13:19LAUGHTER
0:13:19 > 0:13:22"Really, you just had a child? Really?"
0:13:22 > 0:13:25But this feels so good, I'm so sparkly.
0:13:25 > 0:13:27LAUGHTER
0:13:27 > 0:13:31In the book, when she becomes a vampire,
0:13:31 > 0:13:33she then becomes even more beautiful.
0:13:33 > 0:13:37That's what happens when you die.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39Every time I go to a woman's funeral,
0:13:39 > 0:13:41I want to have sex with the corpse.
0:13:41 > 0:13:43LAUGHTER
0:13:43 > 0:13:45It's the make-up.
0:13:49 > 0:13:53But Twilight is one of the movies, it took off in a way that
0:13:53 > 0:13:56- no-one could have predicted, it was just extraordinary.- Mm.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58You've been in Hollywood...
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- I didn't realise that you'd been working as a child actor.- Mm.
0:14:01 > 0:14:06- I didn't know, Kristen, you were the kid in Panic Room.- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09Look, you're so adorable!
0:14:09 > 0:14:11LAUGHTER
0:14:11 > 0:14:14For some reason, Jodie Foster looks like Avatar.
0:14:14 > 0:14:16LAUGHTER
0:14:19 > 0:14:20She doesn't look like Avatar,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23but that's a weird picture of her. I don't understand it.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25This happens, then the success.
0:14:25 > 0:14:28And again, someone was trying to kill you!
0:14:28 > 0:14:30LAUGHTER
0:14:32 > 0:14:35Because you had been a working actress, getting good roles,
0:14:35 > 0:14:38but suddenly you're on a different level.
0:14:38 > 0:14:40- You can get a movie- made.
0:14:40 > 0:14:45Do you like that power, or does pressure come with that?
0:14:45 > 0:14:47I really like to fight for jobs.
0:14:47 > 0:14:50I hate the feeling of suddenly being like, oh, well,
0:14:50 > 0:14:53Kristen can have it just because she can.
0:14:53 > 0:14:54Do you know what I mean?
0:14:54 > 0:14:57I don't know what the hell you're talking about!
0:14:57 > 0:14:59Give me the job!
0:14:59 > 0:15:02I don't care if everybody's better than me.
0:15:02 > 0:15:04LAUGHTER
0:15:04 > 0:15:06I want the job.
0:15:06 > 0:15:09What, the part's for a Mexican? Yeah?
0:15:09 > 0:15:10LAUGHTER
0:15:12 > 0:15:15Chris Rock, you have two daughters.
0:15:15 > 0:15:19- Yes.- Are they big fans of Kristen's because of Twilight?
0:15:19 > 0:15:21My oldest sneaks and watches it a little bit.
0:15:21 > 0:15:24- How old is she?- She's 10.
0:15:24 > 0:15:26She bit me last week.
0:15:26 > 0:15:30Are they going to be annoyed that you've met Kristen without them?
0:15:30 > 0:15:34You're kind of the window into their heroes.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35A little bit.
0:15:35 > 0:15:38I took my oldest to a basketball game the other day,
0:15:38 > 0:15:40and she met Justin Beiber.
0:15:40 > 0:15:43Beiber took off his shades and gave it to her.
0:15:43 > 0:15:46- Get out of here!- They're gasping.
0:15:46 > 0:15:47LAUGHTER
0:15:47 > 0:15:52She put on the shades and went to school and then she was pregnant.
0:15:52 > 0:15:57LAUGHTER I looked at you, I'm thinking, what?!
0:15:59 > 0:16:01That Beiber kid's powerful.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03LAUGHTER
0:16:03 > 0:16:06Stephen, you tweet about your son, is it Harry?
0:16:06 > 0:16:09I've got two, but Harry is the eldest, yeah.
0:16:09 > 0:16:10What is the thing at the market?
0:16:10 > 0:16:15I took him to Camden market, he shouts, "Jews!"
0:16:15 > 0:16:17"Jews!"
0:16:17 > 0:16:20He says, "There are Jews everywhere".
0:16:20 > 0:16:23"Daddy, we've to get a Jew for Mummy."
0:16:23 > 0:16:25I said, "What?"
0:16:25 > 0:16:27He said, "Jews" and pointed to a jewellery store. Jewels!
0:16:29 > 0:16:30For a moment there...
0:16:30 > 0:16:34For a moment there you thought your wife was sleeping with Mel Gibson.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:16:36 > 0:16:39I haven't got my Jew net with me. Wow.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47You're not the only one working in the medium of film.
0:16:47 > 0:16:50Chris Rock has a film out. Yes, he does.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53Yeah, I got a movie.
0:16:53 > 0:16:56- I'm excited to see that. - It's really good.
0:16:56 > 0:17:00- I love Two Days In Paris so much.- This is better.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Really? God, it must be good, then.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I'm loving this, you're doing my job. Keep going.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Ask him about it.
0:17:08 > 0:17:10I bite no-one.
0:17:11 > 0:17:14It's an unlikely movie for Chris...
0:17:14 > 0:17:18I don't know why it's unlikely that Chris Rock is in this movie but it is.
0:17:18 > 0:17:23- It's essentially a French film. - Essentially, yeah.- It's you and Julie Delpy.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25She wrote and directed it.
0:17:25 > 0:17:30You star in it together. It's not a sequel but a follow-on.
0:17:30 > 0:17:36Yes. It's like the Twilight movies, following the story.
0:17:36 > 0:17:40Two Days In New York. So, roughly, what is it about?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44Me and Julie Delpy are a couple. We have a couple of kids,
0:17:44 > 0:17:49and her parents, my in-laws, are coming in for the week.
0:17:49 > 0:17:52And hilarity ensues because they're French
0:17:52 > 0:17:58and we think the French are so sophisticated but these French are kind of ghetto French.
0:17:59 > 0:18:01It gets kind of funny.
0:18:01 > 0:18:06It is really funny, because I really didn't know what to expect. I didn't know...what it would be.
0:18:06 > 0:18:09- But it is really funny.- It's good.
0:18:09 > 0:18:12It's like, "This movie doesn't suck!"
0:18:12 > 0:18:15No, I just didn't know what to expect and I really enjoyed it.
0:18:15 > 0:18:17Julie Delpy, she's easy on the eye?
0:18:17 > 0:18:23She's great, she lets me touch her and feel her ass and stuff.
0:18:23 > 0:18:26You need that when you're doing a movie with somebody,
0:18:26 > 0:18:29to feel like a couple.
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Did she write the part for you?
0:18:30 > 0:18:34She said she did but I think it was originally written for Queen Latifah.
0:18:35 > 0:18:41After Queen Latifah passed, I was next on the list.
0:18:41 > 0:18:44Do you get offered many...? Because you're a romantic lead.
0:18:44 > 0:18:48Yeah, I don't get offered a lot of romantic leads.
0:18:48 > 0:18:53I get quick-talking mailroom guy, cop with, you know...
0:18:53 > 0:18:58- Zebras.- Yeah, zebras. Lot of zebras.
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Wasn't there a thing where Miramax called you in? They're posh.
0:19:01 > 0:19:03I remember the first time Harvey Weinstein called me.
0:19:03 > 0:19:09I'm thinking, it's Harvey Weinstein, the greatest guy, who makes some of the best movies in the world -
0:19:09 > 0:19:12The English Patient and The Piano, and whatever.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14I get in there and it's like,
0:19:14 > 0:19:17"Hey, we got this movie called Rapper Bus.
0:19:17 > 0:19:22"You driving a bus with a bunch of rappers." It's like...
0:19:25 > 0:19:27I was like, "Where's that English Patient file?"
0:19:30 > 0:19:35The movie, Two Days In New York, is opening here on 18th May.
0:19:35 > 0:19:36Next Friday.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Next Friday, yes.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42We've got a clip and it's you and the family...
0:19:42 > 0:19:45- It's pretty self-explanatory.- OK.
0:19:47 > 0:19:48Hey!
0:19:48 > 0:19:51What are you doing here? I thought we lost you to Washington.
0:19:51 > 0:19:54I'm in town doing a radio interview.
0:19:54 > 0:19:57OK, OK.. Justin, I want you to meet my girlfriend, Marion.
0:19:57 > 0:20:00Oh, Justin, so nice to finally meet you.
0:20:00 > 0:20:02And this is her family - Jeannot,
0:20:02 > 0:20:06- Rose...- Hello. - ..and Rose's boyfriend, Manu.
0:20:06 > 0:20:08- I'm Manu.- Nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you too.
0:20:08 > 0:20:11Hey, I'm doing my radio show in an hour, why don't you come on air?
0:20:11 > 0:20:13I'm catching the 420 to DC.
0:20:16 > 0:20:20I meant to call you about Barack's visit to NY.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23To have him on my show?
0:20:23 > 0:20:24- Slow down there.- OK!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27No, but he's doing a press conference and I think I can get you in.
0:20:27 > 0:20:32- Get out of here! No!- Sweetie, that's so great. This is wonderful.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- Good Obama!- Thanks.
0:20:37 > 0:20:42- He's so good-looking, so much better looking than Sarkozy.- Sorry!
0:20:46 > 0:20:48Not really a socialist, no.
0:20:48 > 0:20:53If I may say so, you did a great job in Harold And Kumar Go To White Castle.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55That was totally hysterical. So funny.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57That's not him. Will you sit down?
0:21:04 > 0:21:09- It's funny, it's good. You must be pleased with it.- Good movie.
0:21:09 > 0:21:13In the movie there are scenes where you talk to your good friend,
0:21:13 > 0:21:14Barack Obama.
0:21:14 > 0:21:22Yes, I talk to a life-size cardboard cut-out of Barack Obama and try to get advice from him.
0:21:22 > 0:21:25- You know Barack Obama.- I kind of do.
0:21:25 > 0:21:31- He just came out in favour of the gay marriage thing? - Maybe I'll marry a guy.
0:21:31 > 0:21:32Now that we can.
0:21:34 > 0:21:35I'll get a couple of wives.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39Because that's so controversial, do you think he did that
0:21:39 > 0:21:44because he thinks, "I'm not getting re-elected," or did he do it because he's so confident he's going to be?
0:21:44 > 0:21:51I don't know, when you have kids, you can't lie to your kids.
0:21:51 > 0:21:59He said, I read today, his kids have friends that have same-sex parents.
0:21:59 > 0:22:02Actually, I took my daughter to a party the other day,
0:22:02 > 0:22:05two guys, same-sex patients.
0:22:05 > 0:22:09He couldn't sit there as the most powerful man in the world
0:22:09 > 0:22:12and say these people deserve to be discriminated against
0:22:12 > 0:22:14to his little girls.
0:22:14 > 0:22:20So, I think, thank the children more than anything.
0:22:20 > 0:22:25The children will make you find who you truly are and make you honest.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28That's what happened. His kids made him honest.
0:22:28 > 0:22:34APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:22:34 > 0:22:38You know, it is a controversial thing to say and the timing's interesting.
0:22:38 > 0:22:41It just shows you how screwed up the world is, though,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44that a man just goes,
0:22:44 > 0:22:49"Hey, I think gay people should be treated like everyone else." Controversy!
0:22:49 > 0:22:52What kind of a world is this? It is horrible.
0:22:52 > 0:22:54In terms of your daughters and meeting people,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57they're still waiting for an invitation to the White House?
0:22:57 > 0:23:00Yes, we have not got... I was there not too long ago
0:23:00 > 0:23:05but my daughters want me to arrange a play-date with Sasha and Malia
0:23:05 > 0:23:09and they're a little older than my daughters, they're like, "Hey!"
0:23:09 > 0:23:12They're hanging with the Kardashians.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17Probably not.
0:23:17 > 0:23:22- I like the way your girls aim high. - They aim REAL high. Please.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26"How can we use this Chris Rock connection?"
0:23:26 > 0:23:29We're going to Disneyland, they want Mickey to eat with us.
0:23:31 > 0:23:37"Call Mickey up, Dad, see what he's doing for dinner."
0:23:37 > 0:23:40Now, are the girls good at school?
0:23:40 > 0:23:44- Because you weren't...very good at school, were you?- They're horrible. No, they're great.
0:23:44 > 0:23:46I mean, they're smarter than me
0:23:46 > 0:23:50- because I can't help them with their homework any more.- At ten?
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- I dropped out at... - ..at nine.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58You know my story at the coal mines.
0:23:59 > 0:24:04- Kristen, did you go to school? - Yeah, of course. What?!
0:24:04 > 0:24:08Because you don't seem like you went to school.
0:24:08 > 0:24:12- No, because you were on set when... - Jodie Foster was her teacher!
0:24:14 > 0:24:17I started to do home school when I went to high school
0:24:17 > 0:24:22but it was miserable through middle school, which was normal.
0:24:22 > 0:24:26- You were unhappy like everyone should be, excellent.- That's right.
0:24:26 > 0:24:28So miserably unhappy.
0:24:28 > 0:24:31No, I just... I really liked independent study,
0:24:31 > 0:24:36I was able to choose everything. I read On The Road in freshman year.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40- I wouldn't have been able to do that in public school. - Now you're in the movie.- Yeah.
0:24:40 > 0:24:43- Yes!- I'm excited about that.
0:24:43 > 0:24:47- Are you filming that yet?- Yeah, we're finished. We're about to go to Cannes, actually.
0:24:47 > 0:24:51- I'm going to Cannes.- Really? - Yeah.- That'll be fun. - See you next week.- Cool, man.
0:24:51 > 0:24:55- Stephen, are you going to Cannes? - No.
0:24:55 > 0:24:57I'm going to Canning Town.
0:24:57 > 0:25:00LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:04 > 0:25:09- In terms of school, you went to a posh school?- Yeah, boarding school.
0:25:09 > 0:25:13- You were a pretty child? - Well, for about a year maybe.
0:25:13 > 0:25:17It was my first big break. My first lead role was in Beauty And The Beast.
0:25:17 > 0:25:19Playing Beauty.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21There were no girls in school.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25I had an auburn wig, a green dress, flawless skin, what can I say?
0:25:25 > 0:25:28I looked hot for a nine-year-old boy dressed as a girl.
0:25:28 > 0:25:32- There's no way out of that one, is there?- No.- I didn't look hot.
0:25:32 > 0:25:37One thing that happens to naughty boys in school is, er, they get detention.
0:25:37 > 0:25:41- You didn't know where I was going with that, did you? - No, I was scared for a minute.
0:25:41 > 0:25:45"Graham's gone very dark." No, they get detention
0:25:45 > 0:25:49and there's a website that collects together the detention slips that kids receive.
0:25:49 > 0:25:52The bits they have to bring home to show their parents.
0:25:52 > 0:25:56There's lots of reasons. There's some classics of the genre in here.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59This one - "Joe's behaviour was inappropriate and unacceptable.
0:25:59 > 0:26:02"He started with excessive chair squeaking
0:26:02 > 0:26:05"and ended with farting in a student's face."
0:26:05 > 0:26:08That's quite an escalation.
0:26:12 > 0:26:17I like... I almost want to meet the child who did this next one.
0:26:17 > 0:26:21This child, yeah, he was "disrupting class - claiming to be the reborn Jesus
0:26:21 > 0:26:24"and hitting another student with a Bible".
0:26:28 > 0:26:29Prove it isn't true.
0:26:29 > 0:26:33How do you know he wasn't the risen Jesus? Jesus has detention now.
0:26:34 > 0:26:39This is a teacher who sent this through. Remember, this is real.
0:26:39 > 0:26:45A teacher really did type this letter and gave it to a child to take home to their parents.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47"Alex consistently defied me.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49"During class, he contradicted me numerous times
0:26:49 > 0:26:54"when I insisted the length of one kilometre was greater than one mile."
0:26:54 > 0:26:56Go down. "Although he was correct...
0:27:00 > 0:27:04"..Alex's actions show a blatant disregard for authority
0:27:04 > 0:27:06"and a complete lack of respect for his school.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10"In the future, Alex would be better off simply accepting my teachings without resistance.
0:27:10 > 0:27:14"Please see to it that your child understands this." Isn't that genius?
0:27:14 > 0:27:21- "Regards, Rommel." - Back to more typical children.
0:27:21 > 0:27:24"Drew large penis on white board."
0:27:24 > 0:27:28- That's amazing.- Well done, all the naughty children. Very good.
0:27:29 > 0:27:31We've got to hurry up.
0:27:31 > 0:27:37Stephen Mangan, I'm about to explain...
0:27:37 > 0:27:39Now, you're going to be in awe, IN AWE,
0:27:39 > 0:27:45when I tell you, Stephen Mangan, the first episode of the new series of Episodes just finished on BBC Two.
0:27:45 > 0:27:48A hungry public have flicked over to BBC One to see you again.
0:27:48 > 0:27:50Friday nights are sorted.
0:27:50 > 0:27:54Absolutely. I hope you know I love Episodes, I really liked the first series.
0:27:54 > 0:27:57And obviously here, it is a comedy,
0:27:57 > 0:28:01but in America it's presumably Matt LeBlanc's new sitcom.
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Yeah, he's fairly famous.
0:28:03 > 0:28:05We had him on recently
0:28:05 > 0:28:10- so we know he is the most charming, self-effacing guy.- In public.- Oh.
0:28:10 > 0:28:13LAUGHTER
0:28:14 > 0:28:17He's lovely. Boringly, he is a really nice guy.
0:28:17 > 0:28:20To begin with, you weren't sure of him?
0:28:20 > 0:28:22You know, a very famous, very rich guy
0:28:22 > 0:28:25and you don't know what he's going to be like.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29Fame is hard to handle, if you're that famous.
0:28:29 > 0:28:32And the first time we read for the part, he came up to me and he said,
0:28:32 > 0:28:36"I'll give you advice." I thought, "Great, he knows what he's talking about."
0:28:36 > 0:28:40He said, "Don't suck," and walked off.
0:28:40 > 0:28:44- So I didn't, obviously. - No. You got the part.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Now, we have a clip of next week's episode.
0:28:47 > 0:28:51Matt at the beginning has slept with your wife
0:28:51 > 0:28:54and is now trying to make amends.
0:28:54 > 0:28:57I can't believe you let him give you a car.
0:28:57 > 0:28:59He told me he was giving you one too.
0:28:59 > 0:29:04- I didn't take it!- No? - The man destroyed our lives.
0:29:04 > 0:29:09I know, but at least we're getting cars out of it. Revenge.
0:29:09 > 0:29:13Screw him, I'll take your bloody car.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15He's right, screw me, take the car.
0:29:15 > 0:29:18It is not revenge if he's giving it to us.
0:29:18 > 0:29:19He still has to pay for them.
0:29:19 > 0:29:22- Money means nothing to him. - That's a bit of an exaggeration.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24The man has his own jet.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26I'm very comfortable.
0:29:32 > 0:29:34- Have you seen it? - I haven't seen it.
0:29:34 > 0:29:39- Is it on...?- Showtime over there, yeah.- And BBC Two on Fridays here.
0:29:39 > 0:29:45The other exciting thing... Be prepared to be amazed.
0:29:45 > 0:29:47Stephen Mangan is in a new movie.
0:29:47 > 0:29:50AUDIENCE WHOOP
0:29:50 > 0:29:53He is playing Postman Pat, ladies and gentlemen.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:29:58 > 0:30:00Thank you.
0:30:02 > 0:30:09Are you familiar with Postman Pat? No? Explain Postman Pat to the nice people that don't know.
0:30:09 > 0:30:15He's a middle-aged mailman with glasses and a ginger mullet.
0:30:15 > 0:30:17That's the best way to describe him.
0:30:17 > 0:30:21He is a cartoon character, so they're making a movie of Pat.
0:30:21 > 0:30:24- And he has a cat called Jess. - A black and white cat.
0:30:24 > 0:30:29He is probably the least sexy character ever written.
0:30:31 > 0:30:35I played Adrian Mole and Postman Pat and my wife is, "Who have I married?"
0:30:35 > 0:30:39Not James Bond - Postman Pat. But there you go.
0:30:39 > 0:30:43- We've got a picture. This is Postman Pat. There he is.- Sexy.
0:30:43 > 0:30:47- Have you started doing the animation yet?- Yeah, we have.
0:30:47 > 0:30:49Is it easy? Hard?
0:30:49 > 0:30:51I said, if possible, can we do it at the same time?
0:30:51 > 0:30:54You know what it's like recording one half of the conversation.
0:30:54 > 0:30:57"What do you mean?" "No." "How dare you say that."
0:30:57 > 0:31:00You want to hear the lines of the other guy.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04- Can I just say that was excellent? - Thank you. That's how I do it.
0:31:05 > 0:31:07But I've done a bit and then they send it off
0:31:07 > 0:31:11and the animators spend four-and-a-half years.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13It takes forever.
0:31:13 > 0:31:18Chris Rock, you were brutally frank about the art of voicing animation at the Oscars.
0:31:18 > 0:31:22Yeah. I hate it when actors say how hard it was,
0:31:22 > 0:31:26and how much work went into my character.
0:31:26 > 0:31:28When you do animated stuff, here's what happens.
0:31:28 > 0:31:33You go in a booth and somebody says, "What do I say?"
0:31:33 > 0:31:37They go, "Time to go to the store" then I go, "Time to go to the store."
0:31:40 > 0:31:44"Do you want me to say it again? Time to go to the store.
0:31:46 > 0:31:50"What else do you want me to say?" "Say, 'It's cold outside.'"
0:31:50 > 0:31:56"It's cold outside!" And then they give me 1 million.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:32:05 > 0:32:08Stephen Mangan, you're also heading back on stage.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12You're starring in Joe Penhall's Birthday at the Royal Court in June.
0:32:12 > 0:32:15- Yes.- Are you nervous about going back on stage?
0:32:15 > 0:32:18Well, it's been a couple of years.
0:32:18 > 0:32:21Last thing I did was a play on Broadway for six months.
0:32:21 > 0:32:22Tony-nominated.
0:32:22 > 0:32:24Didn't win.
0:32:24 > 0:32:27Save your applause for when he wins.
0:32:30 > 0:32:34- You've done Broadway, a play?- Yeah, I've made people shit themselves.
0:32:36 > 0:32:40Were you joking when you said the thing about learning your lines?
0:32:40 > 0:32:44No, I wasn't joking, when you do a play... You've done a play,
0:32:44 > 0:32:45you're not good enough yet.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47No...
0:32:48 > 0:32:53You do a play, every day, they have, you come in, and there's this...
0:32:53 > 0:32:58They let you know how many lines you messed up.
0:32:58 > 0:33:00It is a little... Right?
0:33:00 > 0:33:04You get a little thing what lines you messed up, every day.
0:33:04 > 0:33:08And the rest of the cast would have two lines or whatever.
0:33:08 > 0:33:10I would have an encyclopaedia.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14Like, the whole play. They were like, "You did another play last night."
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Did you ever know it?
0:33:16 > 0:33:20I got it right probably four times in six months.
0:33:20 > 0:33:22Some actors can't learn their lines.
0:33:22 > 0:33:25Richard Dreyfuss did a play in the Old Vic,
0:33:25 > 0:33:28and he couldn't get the lines in. And it's hard, it's difficult to do.
0:33:28 > 0:33:33So he had an earpiece and they were feeding the lines to him as the play was going on.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35At one point it looked like he was about to speak.
0:33:35 > 0:33:38The girl on the book said, "Hold," and he said, "Hold!" on stage.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:48 > 0:33:50It's time to meet my final guest.
0:33:50 > 0:33:55This man has the hopes and dreams of the entire nation resting on his shoulders.
0:33:55 > 0:33:59Please welcome our Eurovision hopeful, Mr Engelbert Humperdinck.
0:33:59 > 0:34:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE DROWN OUT SPEECH
0:34:18 > 0:34:21You're looking very trim, sir. Is this Eurovision match-ready?
0:34:21 > 0:34:25- I lost a few pounds, 16 pounds, worrying.- How many?
0:34:26 > 0:34:31- 16 pounds worrying about doing this. - You're not worried, are you?
0:34:31 > 0:34:33Don't forget I'm representing the country
0:34:33 > 0:34:35so it is a little bit of weight.
0:34:35 > 0:34:40I know, but we don't normally do very well so...
0:34:40 > 0:34:42I don't know whether you've heard the song yet.
0:34:42 > 0:34:46- You're doing the first TV performance tonight. - Yeah, this is the first one.
0:34:46 > 0:34:49It is a very sweet... It is a beautiful ballad.
0:34:49 > 0:34:54Are you worried, because you're singing first,
0:34:54 > 0:35:00that it might get lost in a sea of Euro-pop bakalakalaka?
0:35:02 > 0:35:06- I'm glad I'm on first... - I bet you are, yeah.
0:35:06 > 0:35:13..because the simple reason is it will be 12:00 when I go on in Baku
0:35:13 > 0:35:15and my voice will still be open.
0:35:15 > 0:35:19If I waited until 3:00 or 4:00 in the morning, it shuts down a bit,
0:35:19 > 0:35:23so my performance might not be that good.
0:35:23 > 0:35:27- It's nice - you get on first then you get drunk.- Yeah.
0:35:27 > 0:35:30I have to stay MODERATELY sober until about 4:00 in the morning.
0:35:34 > 0:35:36Annoyingly, you're not...
0:35:36 > 0:35:42- You were going to be the oldest performer ever at Eurovision. - That's right, yeah.
0:35:42 > 0:35:47- And now those Russian bitches have come along. - LAUGHTER
0:35:49 > 0:35:56Here they are. Now, one of them... Are you 76?
0:35:56 > 0:36:01- You look amazing. Can I just say.- Thank you.
0:36:01 > 0:36:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:07 > 0:36:11Engelbert at 76, one of these is 77.
0:36:11 > 0:36:12Now it could be any of them.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17I like the dress code, it's nice.
0:36:17 > 0:36:20Do they unscrew in half and one fits inside the other?
0:36:20 > 0:36:22Is that how it works?
0:36:27 > 0:36:31Oh, dear, listen, Engelbert Humperdinck, it's time for music.
0:36:31 > 0:36:35So if you want to join your guitarist,
0:36:35 > 0:36:37he's waiting for you there.
0:36:43 > 0:36:45So, this is it.
0:36:45 > 0:36:50Performing our Eurovision entry for 2012, Love Will Set You Free.
0:36:50 > 0:36:52It is Mr Engelbert Humperdinck!
0:37:08 > 0:37:10# So graceful and pure
0:37:10 > 0:37:13# A smile bathed in light
0:37:13 > 0:37:17# No matter the distance
0:37:17 > 0:37:19# A miracle of sight
0:37:19 > 0:37:22# Though I should have known
0:37:22 > 0:37:25# I could not turn away
0:37:25 > 0:37:31# When faced with your beauty no reason can stay
0:37:31 > 0:37:38# As you kiss him in the moonlight
0:37:38 > 0:37:44# With heavy words I say
0:37:44 > 0:37:47# If you love someone
0:37:47 > 0:37:50# Follow your heart
0:37:50 > 0:37:55# Cos love comes once if you're lucky enough
0:37:55 > 0:37:58# Though I'll miss you forever
0:37:58 > 0:38:01# And the hurt will run deep
0:38:01 > 0:38:08# Only love can set you free
0:38:08 > 0:38:11# Trust in your dreams
0:38:11 > 0:38:14# Run with no fear
0:38:14 > 0:38:16# And if you should stumble
0:38:16 > 0:38:19# Remember I'm near
0:38:19 > 0:38:22# As a ghost I will walk
0:38:22 > 0:38:25# I'll look deep in my soul
0:38:25 > 0:38:28# I might find another
0:38:28 > 0:38:31# You gave me that hope
0:38:31 > 0:38:38# So as you kiss him in the moonlight
0:38:38 > 0:38:43# With heavy words I say
0:38:43 > 0:38:47# If you love someone
0:38:47 > 0:38:49# Follow your heart
0:38:49 > 0:38:55# Cos love comes once if you're lucky enough
0:38:55 > 0:38:58# Though I'll miss you forever
0:38:58 > 0:39:01# And the hurt will run deep
0:39:01 > 0:39:08# Only love can set you free
0:39:08 > 0:39:14# And if you love someone
0:39:14 > 0:39:16# Follow your heart
0:39:16 > 0:39:22# Cos love comes once if you're lucky enough
0:39:22 > 0:39:26# Though I'll miss you forever
0:39:26 > 0:39:28# The hurt will run deep
0:39:28 > 0:39:40# Love will set you free. #
0:39:40 > 0:39:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:48 > 0:39:51Engelbert Humperdinck, everybody.
0:39:51 > 0:39:59Fantastic. Come back and join us. Fantastic. Seriously, beautiful job.
0:39:59 > 0:40:04Really nice job. Have a quick sit at the end there.
0:40:04 > 0:40:05Thank you.
0:40:07 > 0:40:10Love Will Set You Free, and so will I in just a moment.
0:40:10 > 0:40:14If you want to get behind Engelbert, you can download that single
0:40:14 > 0:40:15and buy it as well.
0:40:15 > 0:40:20- I hope people get behind you. - Thank you.- Beautiful job.
0:40:20 > 0:40:23CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:23 > 0:40:28Right, before we go tonight, time for a story or two in the Red Chair.
0:40:28 > 0:40:32- So who's up first? Hello. - Hi.- What's your name?
0:40:32 > 0:40:38- I'm Claudia.- Marvellous, where are you from?- North London.- Off you go.
0:40:38 > 0:40:42So, basically, when I was in my teens
0:40:42 > 0:40:46I was like an athletic fanatic, I got to the Barnet Championships.
0:40:46 > 0:40:49- These are like THE championships. - The Barnet Championships(!)
0:40:49 > 0:40:55- You guys don't understand. - This is a big deal.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59I finally got there and it is 110 metre hurdles. I'm up next.
0:40:59 > 0:41:05I went to do my warm-up, brace myself, bearing in mind the 110 hurdles are warming up.
0:41:05 > 0:41:11The hottest guys you've ever seen. I brace myself, look them dead in the eye, let's do this.
0:41:11 > 0:41:19One, two, three, jump. One, two, three, jump. One, two, three, 3.5,
0:41:19 > 0:41:21hurdle, me, crash, bang.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25Basically, I popped my cherry on a hurdle.
0:41:25 > 0:41:29I had a bit of a bruised va-jay-jay but, er, things happened.
0:41:29 > 0:41:31HE MOUTHS
0:41:35 > 0:41:38That isn't where I thought that story was going.
0:41:38 > 0:41:42"I popped my cherry on a hurdle."
0:41:42 > 0:41:48- I'd hate to be the next guy. - You jumped really high.
0:41:48 > 0:41:52Instead of "Harder, harder," "Hurdle, hurdle!"
0:41:54 > 0:41:59- All right, another one. Hello, hi?- Hi.- What's your name?
0:41:59 > 0:42:04- Alvin.- Where do you live? - West London.- And you do...?
0:42:04 > 0:42:08I'm a cytogeneticist at Great Ormond Street Hospital.
0:42:08 > 0:42:09What?
0:42:11 > 0:42:14What time was it? Was I gone for long?
0:42:17 > 0:42:20He could've been anything, I have no idea what that is.
0:42:20 > 0:42:22It's not a dinner party.
0:42:22 > 0:42:25We could've sent on Batman.
0:42:25 > 0:42:30- Your story doesn't involve your job, does it?- No.- That's all right.
0:42:30 > 0:42:36- Off you go.- I was on holiday in France with my family when I was 16.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38Yeah, yeah.
0:42:38 > 0:42:42The tape in my Walkman stopped, the batteries had died.
0:42:42 > 0:42:46I went to buy batteries, to six or seven different shops,
0:42:46 > 0:42:50no-one sold batteries. Eventually, I went to a bar-cafe,
0:42:50 > 0:42:53I didn't think they would but I went in anyway.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56I went to the barman, who was cleaning glasses,
0:42:56 > 0:42:59and said, "Hi, I'm looking for batteries."
0:42:59 > 0:43:04He looked at me, oddly, and said, "Wait, wait."
0:43:04 > 0:43:08He went to the back of the bar and came back with a second man,
0:43:08 > 0:43:09and the second man said,
0:43:09 > 0:43:12IN FRENCH ACCENT: "How may I help you?"
0:43:12 > 0:43:14Beautiful. That was, oh yeah.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19I said, "I'm looking for batteries."
0:43:19 > 0:43:23He said, "Yes, I am Patrice, how may I help you?"
0:43:23 > 0:43:28That's a pretty funny story. You can walk.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33Well done, everyone on the Red Chair. Very good.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36If you want to join us on the show
0:43:36 > 0:43:40and have a go in the Red Chair, you contact us via our website.
0:43:40 > 0:43:43Thank you so much to my guests.
0:43:43 > 0:43:46The lovely Engelbert Humperdinck.
0:43:46 > 0:43:48Stephen Mangan.
0:43:48 > 0:43:51Chris Rock.
0:43:51 > 0:43:54And Kristen Stewart.
0:43:54 > 0:43:57Join me next week with music legend Sir Tom Jones,
0:43:57 > 0:44:00Take That's Gary Barlow and Hollywood star Will Smith.
0:44:00 > 0:44:01I'll see you then. Goodbye.
0:44:18 > 0:44:22Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd