:00:05. > :00:11.This programme contains adult humour.
:00:11. > :00:21.Welcome to BBC One. It's an exciting race tonight. Hollywood
:00:21. > :00:25.
:00:25. > :00:35.starlet on the inside lane. And national treasure on the outside.
:00:35. > :00:38.
:00:38. > :00:46.This may take some time. Let's APPLAUSE
:00:46. > :00:50.Good evening. Good evening one and all. You're very welcome and we've
:00:50. > :00:57.got a great show for you tonight. Our favourite Brit in Hollywood,
:00:57. > :01:02.Minnie Driver is on the show. Presenter Clare Balding is on the
:01:02. > :01:09.show. Top funny man Stephen Merchant is
:01:09. > :01:14.here. And chart topping Irish band The
:01:14. > :01:20.Script is with us. Always nice to have Stephen back on
:01:20. > :01:27.the show. At 6'7" he often towers over his colleagues. Doesn't he.
:01:27. > :01:31.Yeah. Mind you that's something Clare knows all about. Yeah.
:01:31. > :01:35.That's Clare at Newmarket. She's the new face of Channel 4 Racing.
:01:35. > :01:45.Apparently they wanted someone with more glamour, style, more sex
:01:45. > :01:47.
:01:47. > :01:53.appeal than her predecessor. Tick. Here she is at Royal Ascot.
:01:53. > :01:58.Oohhh! That's Ladies' Day, where everybody wears a hat. They do.
:01:58. > :02:03.Bless. Clare was also one of the stars of the BBC's Olympic coverage.
:02:03. > :02:08.I tell you, I love the way children got into the Olympics. Wasn't it
:02:08. > :02:11.sweet? Here are some kids who have just seen Usain Bolt warming up.
:02:11. > :02:17.Here's some who have spotted Mo Farah training.
:02:17. > :02:27.And here is one who has just heard the Spice Girls at theing --
:02:27. > :02:27.
:02:27. > :02:31.closing ceremony. Adorable. Minnie and Stephen are starring in
:02:31. > :02:38.I Give It A Year. It's all about a doomed marriage. Doomed marriage?
:02:38. > :02:41.Where did they get the idea from? That's Katie Price with her new
:02:41. > :02:47.husband Kieran. If you're watching the Monday night repeat, I'm sorry
:02:47. > :02:51.that didn't work out. LAUGHTER
:02:51. > :02:59.But do you think, where did that bloke come from? How did he end up
:02:59. > :03:04.marrying Katie Price? Husband number three, please.
:03:05. > :03:11.We'll all marry her eventually. Let's get some guests on.
:03:11. > :03:15.Later we'll have music from The Script. First, it's Stephen
:03:15. > :03:25.Merchant. Let me greet you.
:03:25. > :03:31.
:03:31. > :03:41.Hello Sir. Nice to see you. It's Clare Balding! Hello. Have a seat.
:03:41. > :03:42.
:03:42. > :03:47.And mirror, signal, manoeuvre, it's You look fabulous. Sit yourself
:03:47. > :03:52.down. APPLAUSE
:03:52. > :03:56.I feel like the scruffy one. I'm just wearing a jacket, look at you
:03:56. > :04:01.three. Beautiful. We've been comparing heels. I said I can't
:04:01. > :04:08.walk in heels more than two sets. She said, I'll raise you. Do you
:04:08. > :04:13.mind if I take them off? No. Can I just take my trousers off? Sure.
:04:13. > :04:19.that all right. I feel so at home. Look at you all comfy. That's so
:04:19. > :04:24.much better. A very British couch. You have been out of the country.
:04:24. > :04:28.Clare Balding went from jobbing presenter... National treasure.
:04:28. > :04:34.word "national" is always in front. She's like a Building Society now.
:04:34. > :04:39.I can lend you money, it's fine. Dame Clare Balding. Are you a dame?
:04:39. > :04:43.No, I'm not. Did you get anything in the honours? No. Why not?
:04:43. > :04:49.don't deserve anything. That's shocking. It's not. They gave
:04:49. > :04:52.awards to every man and his dog. They didn't give one to me. I'm
:04:52. > :04:58.livid. Bradley Wiggins gets a knighthood for winning something
:04:58. > :05:02.and riding a bike. I've got three BAFTAs and two Golden Globes and
:05:02. > :05:07.not a stuff. You probably have an OBE. No, I don't. I don't deserve.
:05:07. > :05:13.It Give it time. Due notice this resemblance or did people tweet
:05:13. > :05:23.you? Somebody told me that I looked a bit like Keneth Branagh, but as
:05:23. > :05:26.
:05:26. > :05:31.Henry V and actually, I do. This is uncanny. I use that as my Avatar. I
:05:31. > :05:36.met him over Christmas. I was doing some programmes... He is wearing
:05:36. > :05:41.eye make up. Oh, my God. I said I've been abusing your image and
:05:41. > :05:45.using you as my Avatar, look. He was very good. He laughed about it.
:05:45. > :05:51.You use that picture and people thought it was you? Yeah. That's
:05:51. > :05:55.amazing. And are mad about the Twitter. I love the Twitter. It's
:05:55. > :06:00.sweet because your followers are sending you pictures, did you ask
:06:00. > :06:03.them to? I got quite attached, I like things that look like
:06:03. > :06:08.buildings or boxes or things that aren't meant to look like people.
:06:08. > :06:17.People started sending me pictures. It's sounds odd. I'm not a mad,
:06:17. > :06:23.raving... This is one. They look evil. What are you doing with the
:06:23. > :06:31.files? Tell us who this door handle looks like? This is very good.
:06:31. > :06:38.Keneth Williams. It does. matron. This is astonished toilet.
:06:38. > :06:42.LAUGHTER People send me these. They are
:06:42. > :06:51.funny. Is it rude of me to say, it doesn't look like you, but it has a
:06:51. > :07:00.whiff of you. Not a whiff. APPLAUSE
:07:00. > :07:05.It's uncanny. Minnie Driver, and indeed Stephen
:07:05. > :07:10.Merchant, you're in this movie, I Give It A Year, it opens on 8th
:07:11. > :07:16.February. This is a weird question to ask you, because I've seen the
:07:16. > :07:21.film, but who are you in it? Because it's never quite explained
:07:21. > :07:25.who you are. Is that a terrible thing to say. It doesn't matter.
:07:25. > :07:35.I'm meant to be her sister. But it is never really qualified. I wasn't
:07:35. > :07:41.sure. I mean, it's a fair question from, you know, you. Who are you in
:07:42. > :07:45.this film? It's not my fault. And you are very funny in it. Oh, good.
:07:45. > :07:52.Thanks. He just doesn't know why you're in it. You have some really
:07:52. > :07:58.good lines in it. I've got good lines. There's very little rom in
:07:58. > :08:06.this rom-com. A lot of com. It's a really funny movie. This is a scene,
:08:06. > :08:14.it's comasz and it's what charades go wrong. You're there with your
:08:14. > :08:24.husband who is a doctor. Here we go. Television. TV. Four
:08:24. > :08:26.
:08:26. > :08:32.words. First word. Tapping. Hanging. Vera Duck. Braille. Impotent. Sick,
:08:32. > :08:42.stupid. I femme gnat. Annoying, idiot, disappointment, shame,
:08:42. > :08:46.
:08:46. > :08:51.regret, lazy, sadness. Doctor. LAUGHTER
:08:51. > :08:54.What's weird is because, as I say, there isn't a lot of romance in it,
:08:54. > :09:01.but that marriage, your marriage has got a functional relationship
:09:01. > :09:07.in the movie. It does. I think it's very real in that you don't have to
:09:07. > :09:12.like the person you love all the time. It's not the romanticising of
:09:12. > :09:17.the relationship. It's the warts and all, which is what that central
:09:17. > :09:21.couple are trying to make it work and it's not workingment -- working.
:09:21. > :09:30.It's what happens when you give up and give into being a cynical old
:09:30. > :09:36.cow, like me, in the film. Your part, was it writden for you?
:09:36. > :09:41.Dan said. That he wrote the role of a sort of socially autistic nerd
:09:41. > :09:46.who always says the wrong thing. love the two women going... Frb
:09:46. > :09:53.Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, so that's why I
:09:53. > :09:56.did it. The inappropriate things you say sometimes... In the movie?
:09:57. > :10:01.Well, no in life. Are they intentional? Never. Someone asked
:10:01. > :10:05.me on the red carpet what would your superpower be? And I said to
:10:06. > :10:09.never be embarrassed. So many of the things I've done in TV shows
:10:09. > :10:13.and stuff are about the anxiety of embarrassment. You remember when I
:10:13. > :10:17.was here last time, do you remember this? What happened? I was talking
:10:17. > :10:21.about my stand-up show, which was about finding a wife. The brilliant
:10:21. > :10:25.Jo Brand was on the show. She sat where you are. She was great,
:10:25. > :10:30.fantastic. I love her. She's fantastic. I said I'm hoping I will
:10:30. > :10:36.find a beautiful wife. And Jo said "Are only beautiful women allowed
:10:36. > :10:42.to come to the show." And I said, "No, everyone's welcome, Jo."
:10:42. > :10:47.LAUGHTER Honestly oh, it never occurred to
:10:47. > :10:52.me. I swear, it never occurred to me. It just came and I don't know
:10:52. > :10:57.if it's an English thing. Certainly the movie is really, it seems a
:10:57. > :11:01.really British take on a rom-com. We're going to watch a clip. You're
:11:01. > :11:06.a best man. We have a clip of you giving the best man speech.
:11:06. > :11:14.For those of you who don't know me and especially if we meet in the
:11:14. > :11:19.bar later, my name is Dani, do you want a pint? Fornication, I'll read
:11:19. > :11:23.that again. For an occasion like this, I want to make sure I keep up
:11:23. > :11:28.the traditions of being a best man. I need to guest the groom to the
:11:28. > :11:32.church on time. Tick. Remember the rings. Did that and have sex with a
:11:32. > :11:35.bridesmaid. LAUGHTER
:11:35. > :11:42.It's great to see so many people turn out to see Josh finally tie
:11:42. > :11:45.the knot and about time too. Nat has it all. She's clever apparently
:11:45. > :11:49.really delivers in the bedroom. Like mother, like daughter, hey? I
:11:49. > :11:54.feel she could easily be a model. I think we'll agree, if it wasn't for
:11:54. > :12:04.her nose. Very good. APPLAUSE
:12:04. > :12:13.That is brilliant. Funny. You're tour is about looking for love.
:12:13. > :12:17.Right. Did it work? No. It didn't. I discovered that most of the
:12:17. > :12:23.groupies that hang around outside the door are middle aged men who
:12:23. > :12:30.work in IT. So I've had some fun nights, as you can imagine. But, no,
:12:30. > :12:35.there was no wives. Really? Yeah and I've been everywhere, Australia,
:12:35. > :12:38.America, New Zealand. I've looked high and low. Still looking. I've
:12:38. > :12:42.really lowered my standards now. There might even be someone...
:12:42. > :12:48.Sorry, I shouldn't have said that. This is what I mean. I always put
:12:48. > :12:52.my foot in it. They were on my side. So you're single at the moment.
:12:53. > :13:02.You're stepping out I believe. Don't say any more, I'm not prying.
:13:02. > :13:08.I'm not going all tabloid. But you're dating? Yes. And didn't he
:13:08. > :13:14.want to marry you? It is a bit confusing. He's only four. What
:13:14. > :13:22.kind of a mother are you? Walking around in provocative clothing.
:13:22. > :13:26.Stop it. It's so grim. Are you like Miss Haversham? No. What do you
:13:26. > :13:31.mean, he wanted to marry you? Because he said, "I want a brother
:13:31. > :13:38.and a sister. I said, "You've got to have a husband to get one of
:13:38. > :13:43.those." He went, "I can be that." Exactly awwee. Not revolting.
:13:43. > :13:47.That's your disgusting piggery in your head. How did you explain to
:13:47. > :13:57.him that he couldn't be. They are married now.
:13:57. > :14:04.
:14:04. > :14:10.Of course you can marry mummy. wrong!. Clare, you are settled. How
:14:10. > :14:20.many years? Ten years. Six years civilly partnered. I thought you
:14:20. > :14:21.
:14:21. > :14:31.just said, "Punished." One of my nephews, he's four. They all adore
:14:31. > :14:35.
:14:35. > :14:41.Alice. He said, Unty -- anty Clare, can men and women get married too?
:14:41. > :14:47.You say you have been together with your partner for a long time. Do
:14:47. > :14:57.you not get fearful of getting bored. I thought I would never get
:14:57. > :15:00.
:15:00. > :15:07.bored of Wii tennis. It's in the loft skram Now, Dame!
:15:07. > :15:14.Now, Dame Clare Balding.... have to stop saying that! I cannot
:15:14. > :15:21.believe they did not give it to you. I didn't do anything. You sat there
:15:21. > :15:26.going "Here's the swimming," for nearly a month. It has all changed.
:15:26. > :15:32.Britain's brightest on BBC One, I love - this is on Saturday nights,
:15:32. > :15:42.because it seems an unlikely think to put on a Saturday night. Because
:15:42. > :15:42.
:15:42. > :15:49.it is intell gent!? Talk us through it? We are looking for people who
:15:49. > :15:53.are really bright. Don't look at me. I'm ignoring him.
:15:53. > :15:58.Numeracy, literacy, memory and emotional intelligence, so social
:15:58. > :16:02.perception is tested. I love it. A lot of people come on who have not
:16:02. > :16:07.done well in exams. It shows you how bad they are for testing
:16:07. > :16:11.whether we are bright or not. All- round brightness gets you further
:16:11. > :16:18.in life rather than academic brilliance. They all look unlikely
:16:18. > :16:25.to be on television. They are not proper contestants who go on quizs.
:16:25. > :16:32.People who are young and try and show how clever they are. He has
:16:32. > :16:41.that look about somebody. Are you saying it look like a nerd?
:16:41. > :16:48.Obviously not now. Graham probably has one... I do. Stephen was on
:16:48. > :16:58.Block Busters. Now it sound funny. At the time you didn't do it
:16:58. > :16:58.
:16:58. > :17:08.ironically! I was old enough to know better. They revived the show
:17:08. > :17:08.
:17:08. > :17:16.with Michael Aspall. I was 20. old? I was 20. You look younger.
:17:16. > :17:23.Here you are. Which one are you? That's me trying to fig our out a
:17:23. > :17:29.question. Did -- figure out a question. Did you have a mascot?
:17:29. > :17:39.They didn't allow you. Why two people against one person? I used
:17:39. > :17:41.
:17:41. > :17:47.to watch thinking, which idiot goes on their own? If I had a friend I
:17:48. > :17:51.would not be on Blockbusters. I think I was a smart bloke, but I
:17:51. > :17:57.was terrible. The pressure of the lights - it was intense. I have
:17:57. > :18:02.worked with Les Dennis - all the big names. He would do family
:18:02. > :18:12.fortunes. I asked him the funny answers. I understand now. There
:18:12. > :18:13.
:18:13. > :18:19.was name a bird with a long neck and the answer was Naiomi Cameron.
:18:19. > :18:26.My favourite was name something you would open other than a door and
:18:26. > :18:32.the answer was bowels. One of the appeals of you Clare
:18:32. > :18:42.Balding, is that people see you as an every woman. People can rehate
:18:42. > :18:44.
:18:44. > :18:54.to you. That's nice! Having read your book, which is my -- My
:18:54. > :18:54.
:18:54. > :19:04.Animals and other Family. It is like you grew up in PG
:19:04. > :19:05.
:19:05. > :19:11.Woodhouse land. I knew dad was not great at health and safety. Putting
:19:11. > :19:17.on slays behind his car. I enjoyed it. Was great. You survived it.
:19:17. > :19:24.thought I was a dog for most of the beginning of my life. You had to be
:19:24. > :19:27.a dog to get attention and you were a dog to get attention and you were
:19:27. > :19:31.an only child at the time! Yes. I don't see what's odd about that. I
:19:31. > :19:36.could see the dogs were getting a lot of attention. I thought I would
:19:36. > :19:40.be a dog and then they will rough my hair up! You tell your life
:19:40. > :19:46.through animals that you have met and known throughout your life.
:19:46. > :19:53.What was the Shetland? Valcry. you brought into lunch? I thought
:19:53. > :20:00.she would want to be with us. Shetland pony, not full-sized?
:20:00. > :20:05.would be mad! It was a big house, but yes... I brought her in and she
:20:05. > :20:09.did a droping in the kitchen and my mother was not very pleased. That
:20:09. > :20:17.is good. That shows standards. It would be terrible if your mother
:20:17. > :20:24.was relaxed about it. Don't worry about it! A bit of a stin income
:20:24. > :20:29.the kitchen! -- stink in the kitchen. This is your house - this
:20:29. > :20:36.is lunch and look who has popped in - the Queen Mother. I love the fact
:20:36. > :20:46.she kept her hat on for lunch. was the Queen Mother at your house?
:20:46. > :20:47.
:20:47. > :20:52.Well, my father trained racehorses. She liked a tipple. No, she didn't
:20:52. > :20:58.gamble. Not really. She came to see her horses and stayed for lunch.
:20:58. > :21:06.is an extraordinary childhood and would make a good film. We are in
:21:06. > :21:16.discussion about the dramatisation of it... Kenneth Braaugh's going to
:21:16. > :21:18.
:21:18. > :21:24.play her! He is Clare Balding! Him in a dress,
:21:24. > :21:31.bringing a pony into the kitchen! Well!
:21:31. > :21:35.And we've got this cast! Stephen Merchant plays the jockey,
:21:35. > :21:40.obviously! That is the other thing in this book. Maybe everyone knew
:21:40. > :21:47.this, I didn't realise how serious you were about being a jockey. You
:21:47. > :21:55.were a proper jockey. I was an amateur jockey. You are joking!
:21:55. > :22:00.I am heavy to be a jockey. You are tall. And heavy. I won the amateur
:22:00. > :22:08.championship and won my weight in champagne. The sponsors pulled out
:22:08. > :22:13.the following year! They did. The chaim paing did my 21st --
:22:13. > :22:19.champagne did my 21st birthday party. It is odd how your body
:22:19. > :22:27.betrays you when you cannot do the thing you want to. I was always
:22:27. > :22:31.heavy. I would eat and drink nothing, sweat in a sawn that. Dad
:22:31. > :22:37.could lose five or six pounds in one day. I thought I would be able
:22:37. > :22:42.to and I couldn't. You cut your nails to lose weight! That didn't
:22:42. > :22:48.make any difference. I kept my hair short. I thought that would make a
:22:48. > :22:54.difference. It didn't either. are racing against people like
:22:54. > :22:59.Princess Anne? She was riding on the amateur racecourse at the same
:22:59. > :23:04.time. We rode against each other at a race at Beverley. I managed to
:23:04. > :23:08.carve her up, without realising. My horse decided to do it. He jumped a
:23:08. > :23:14.path. That is your story, obviously! That is what I told her.
:23:14. > :23:24.She was probably cross. And fair dos. I cut her up on the bend. We
:23:24. > :23:26.
:23:26. > :23:30.had about another mile to race. I didn't realise - I really didn't
:23:30. > :23:35.realise it was her. When we came into the strait there was a blanket
:23:35. > :23:39.finish. As I am pulling up, I think I have just won that. I didn't
:23:39. > :23:47.realise until I came back and my mother was as pale as anything. She
:23:47. > :23:53.said, "Do you know what you have done?" I said, I think I have won.
:23:53. > :24:00.She said, no, you have carved up Princess Anne. It was all unnerving,
:24:00. > :24:07.all the girls were in there before me and.... It is an amazing image,
:24:07. > :24:13.Princess Anne going "where's Balding?" It was a little frosty.
:24:13. > :24:23.Have you made peace? Well, I hope so. I see Zara Phillips a lot.
:24:23. > :24:30.is why she didn't get the OBE! pay-back time!
:24:31. > :24:36.A big cross - off the list., No, no, In the book you talk about the
:24:36. > :24:44.complicated thing of naming horses. People do name horses such weird
:24:44. > :24:49.things. And the people trying to smuggle quite rude names in. New
:24:49. > :24:52.Was Big Tits allowed here? It was allowed in France but not here.
:24:53. > :25:02.that because they didn't know what it was? That is a real name in
:25:03. > :25:08.
:25:08. > :25:18.France. The Great Titans - it means big
:25:18. > :25:21.
:25:21. > :25:25.tits. That is what they are. Can I be in your show? Clare was
:25:25. > :25:32.not considering that! She cannot mean that show where I am looking
:25:32. > :25:39.for intelligent people! Yes, you can, Minnie. Ignore him!
:25:39. > :25:47.Do a celebrity special for Christmas. A celebrity pity special.
:25:47. > :25:50.Well done! I hope there's a question about the French for Big
:25:50. > :25:57.Tits! We have the British Horseracing
:25:57. > :26:02.Boarbroodd authority - bless them - they issued a list of all the names
:26:02. > :26:05.which have been refused because people tried to smuggle these names
:26:05. > :26:10.through. That authority they saw through them. They saw what people
:26:10. > :26:16.were trying to do. So Minnie, if you want to read some out in your
:26:16. > :26:26.beautiful voice. I will. Here is beautiful voice. I will. Here is
:26:26. > :26:27.
:26:27. > :26:37.the first one. Read that one out. Here's another one.
:26:37. > :26:41.
:26:41. > :26:49.This will be available as a podcast! Minnie going... There is
:26:49. > :26:53.an Irishness to this. If you write them up like this we
:26:53. > :27:03.can get away with this! I think we're OK!
:27:03. > :27:06.
:27:06. > :27:12.Another one? It looks like a proper name.
:27:12. > :27:22.Wouldn't that be amazing if the Queen mum had accidentally bought
:27:22. > :27:26.
:27:26. > :27:36.that horse. This cannot be real How can they see through that one?
:27:36. > :27:45.
:27:45. > :27:51.Here we go - another one. The weird one is there was one
:27:51. > :28:01.called Hoof Hearted. There's some footage of this horse with the
:28:01. > :28:10.
:28:10. > :28:16.APPLAUSE That's real!
:28:16. > :28:25.Listen, Stephen Merchant, you've gone all Hollywood. Yes. I have
:28:25. > :28:30.seen pictures of you with Hali Berry. It is a series of sketches.
:28:30. > :28:37.I was asked if I would be on a blind date with her. I have seen it
:28:37. > :28:45.- it is very, very funny. Movie 43, out on Friday. Is it called that
:28:45. > :28:55.because it is 43 sketches? They are looking for some missal movie
:28:55. > :28:56.
:28:56. > :29:03.called Movie 43. These teenagers... It is crazy the cast list, it is
:29:03. > :29:11.Kate Winslett, Richard Gear, it is mad. They asked if I wanted to be
:29:11. > :29:16.in a sketch, I said yes. I wanted a picture of me with Haile Berry. I
:29:16. > :29:26.could show all the people who laughed at me as a teenager. This
:29:26. > :29:31.
:29:31. > :29:37.We play a game of truth or dare. It starts and the dares escalate. So
:29:37. > :29:42.at one point I wind up with a tattooed peen us -- penis on my
:29:42. > :29:49.face. She makes guacamole with one of her boobs. It's classy. It will
:29:49. > :29:58.give Lincoln a run for its money at the Oscars. How do you do that?
:29:58. > :30:02.get all the elements and... thanks. Pestle and mortar. The
:30:02. > :30:07.other big Hollywood news is your stand-up tour almost like a movie
:30:07. > :30:11.in itself is now being turned into a sitcom. I did the show in America
:30:11. > :30:15.and some HBO came up and said would you think about doing it as a
:30:15. > :30:18.sitcom. My stand up show is about my failure to find a wife and
:30:18. > :30:23.general pathetic life as a loseer. And they thought, yeah, we want
:30:23. > :30:27.this on TV. So that's what we're doing. Is there not going to come a
:30:27. > :30:34.huge dilemma when they say we want to turn it into a six-part series
:30:34. > :30:39.that if you find a wife, in that time, you ruin your career. He'll
:30:39. > :30:43.keep her in a bunker. Sort of where he already does keeper.
:30:43. > :30:47.Yeah, you're right. I mean it's not a documentary. Soy could
:30:47. > :30:52.theoretically be married and still be acting the role. It's going to
:30:52. > :30:55.ruin your jam though if you do get married. It would. Thank you,
:30:55. > :31:00.you're wishing on me a deep, miserable, lonely laugh, so the
:31:00. > :31:05.laughs keep coming. I'm not. Is one of the episodes going to feature
:31:06. > :31:10.that hideous wedding experience you had? It is. Yeah. I mean, I thought
:31:10. > :31:13.I'd met this woman of my dreams at this wedding. You know you get
:31:13. > :31:17.stuck on a table with people you don't know. There was a girl
:31:17. > :31:20.opposite. We hit it off. I was stuck next to this couple, Ollie
:31:20. > :31:27.and Lisa, they had a toddler in a high chair, just sat there like
:31:27. > :31:31.that. Just mashing bread sticks and stuff. The mother wouldn't
:31:31. > :31:35.reprimand him. She was going "What's he like." She would
:31:35. > :31:40.dominate the table with these stories, you know these people
:31:40. > :31:47.they're not really stories, it was like, "Here's one for you, I went
:31:47. > :31:54.to the erm... Erm... The erm... Eiffel Tower. No, no the erm...
:31:54. > :32:01.Supermarket. Did a big, big erm... Shop. Did a shop. I got back to the
:32:01. > :32:05.checkout and I'd forgotten my purse. I had to go home for it. Honestly.
:32:05. > :32:09.I was thinking if that story was making its way out of my brain
:32:09. > :32:13.towards my mouth, another part of my brain would have stepped in and
:32:13. > :32:20.gone "Where the hell are you going?" This is a wedding. I don't
:32:20. > :32:28.know what this is. She's whitering on and her husband who is a posh
:32:28. > :32:32.bloke pipes up and goes "Where do I recognise you from?" I said The
:32:32. > :32:36.Office. He said "I've seen The Office. Not my cup of tea. I'll
:32:36. > :32:39.tell you where you're going wrong with The Office. He said not much
:32:39. > :32:43.story." I'm thinking yeah because you know about stories because
:32:43. > :32:47.you're married to bloody Charles Dickens.
:32:47. > :32:51.That's not the reason I blew it with this girl. So this toddler is
:32:51. > :32:55.sat there the whole time and we're having soup and for no reason, this
:32:55. > :32:59.kid just took his shoe off, just lobbed it in the air. It came
:32:59. > :33:06.flying down, landed in my soup right, all over me. No-one else is
:33:06. > :33:16.touched. I'm covered in it. The mother went, "What's he like?" And
:33:16. > :33:28.
:33:28. > :33:31.I said," He's like a (BLEEP)". It's time for some music now. This
:33:31. > :33:38.group's third album has topped the charts all over the world. Tonight
:33:38. > :33:48.they're performing a new single, If You Could See Me Now. Please
:33:48. > :33:53.
:33:53. > :33:55.# It was February 14 Valentines Day # The roses came but they took you
:33:55. > :33:58.away. # Tattooed on my arm is a charm to
:33:58. > :34:01.disarm all the harm # Gotta keep myself calm but the
:34:01. > :34:04.truth is you're gone. # And I'll never get to show you
:34:04. > :34:06.these songs # Dad you should see the tours that
:34:06. > :34:08.I'm on. # I see you standing there next to
:34:08. > :34:11.# Both singing along, yeah, arm in arm.
:34:11. > :34:13.# And there are days when I'm losing my faith?
:34:13. > :34:16.# Because the man wasn't good. He was great.
:34:16. > :34:18.# He'd say "Music was the home for your pain"
:34:18. > :34:22.# And explained I was young, he would say
:34:22. > :34:25.# Take that rage, put it on a page. # Take that page to the stage
:34:25. > :34:29.# Blow the roof off the place. # I'm trying to make you proud
:34:29. > :34:32.# Do everything you did. # I hope you're up there with God
:34:32. > :34:35.saying "That's my kid!" # I still look for your face in the
:34:35. > :34:39.crowd. # Oh, if you could see me now
:34:39. > :34:45.# Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?
:34:46. > :34:48.# Oh, if you could see me now # Oh if you could see me now.
:34:48. > :34:51.# If you could see me now would you recognize me?
:34:52. > :34:54.# Would you pat me on the back or would you criticize me?
:34:54. > :34:56.# Would you follow every line on my tear-stained face
:34:57. > :35:01.# Put your hand on my heart that was cold.
:35:01. > :35:04.# As the day you were taken away # I know it's been a while, but I
:35:04. > :35:07.can see you clear as day. # Right now, I wish I could hear
:35:07. > :35:10.you say # I drink too much, and I smoke too
:35:10. > :35:12.much dutch. # But if you can't see me now that
:35:13. > :35:16.a must # You used to say I wont know a
:35:16. > :35:19.wind until it crossed me. # Like I wont know real love 'til
:35:19. > :35:22.I've loved and I've lost it # So if you lost a sister,
:35:22. > :35:25.someone's lost a mom. # And if you lost a dad then
:35:25. > :35:28.someone's lost a son # And they're all missing out, yeah,
:35:28. > :35:31.they're all missing out. # So if you get a second to look
:35:31. > :35:33.down on me now # Mom, Dad I'm just missing you now.
:35:34. > :35:37.# I still look for your face in the crowd
:35:37. > :35:46.# Oh, if you could see me now. # Would you stand in disgrace or
:35:46. > :35:50.take a bow? # Oh, if you could see me now
:35:51. > :35:53.# Oh, oh # Would you call me a saint or a
:35:53. > :35:59.sinner? # Would you love me a loser or
:35:59. > :36:03.winner? # Oh, oh
:36:03. > :36:06.# When I see my face in the mirror # We look so alike that it makes me
:36:06. > :36:12.shiver. # I still look for your face in the
:36:12. > :36:15.crowd # Oh, if you could see me now.
:36:15. > :36:24.# Would you stand in disgrace or take a bow?
:36:24. > :36:27.# Oh, if you could see me now. # Yeah, I'm just missing you now.
:36:27. > :36:32.# I still look for your face in the crowd.
:36:32. > :36:38.# Oh, if you could see me now # Would you stand in disgrace or
:36:38. > :36:41.take a bow? # Oh, if you could see me now
:36:41. > :36:51.# If you could see, you could see me now.
:36:51. > :36:54.
:36:54. > :37:00.# If you could see, you could see APPLAUSE
:37:00. > :37:05.The Script, ladies and gentleman! Come on over.
:37:05. > :37:15.Everyone, shove up. Hello Sir. Have a seat there. Hello Sir. Very nice
:37:15. > :37:21.
:37:21. > :37:24.to see you. Lovely. Shake hands, awe. How lovely. Look a -- at The
:37:24. > :37:31.Script. That's the new single off the album. That's done incredibly
:37:31. > :37:36.well. That single is not out till March the... 4Th. It's a way aways.
:37:36. > :37:41.You have to do the promotion. You have to be on the radio. Giving you
:37:41. > :37:47.the exclusive on it as well. Thank you very much. I think everyone
:37:47. > :37:54.liked it. Thank you very much. You're on tour, sort of on tour
:37:54. > :37:59.still. We were on last night, we played Hamburg last night. Munich.
:37:59. > :38:04.Sorry. So showbiz. Tomorrow is Holland. 16,000 people
:38:04. > :38:12.tomorrow night as well. Will they be as good as that audience though?
:38:12. > :38:16.I doubt it. I should say you were in London at the O2 2 2nd and 23rd
:38:16. > :38:22.of March. If you like drinking and who doesn't, and you're going on
:38:22. > :38:30.tour, you have such a good system for getting back to your room. Is
:38:30. > :38:33.it you? Yeah. I have a great tour manager who sticks the number to
:38:33. > :38:41.our room on the back of our phones. But I keep the same room in every
:38:41. > :38:49.hotel. Isn't that clever. I stay at the same number in every hotel.
:38:49. > :38:55.was thinking it would have to be a low number. If it was like 1102 and
:38:55. > :38:58.there was no 11th floor. It should be 999. The Voice you've recorded
:38:58. > :39:03.some of it? Yeah we've shot the blind auditions, the most exciting
:39:03. > :39:08.part. We shot those and it was amazing. Are you just at home
:39:08. > :39:14.picking your nose while he's off doing that? I have a show called
:39:14. > :39:20.the Mouth. I put the Voice on mute and I give
:39:20. > :39:29.him shit all night. I love how obsessed you became with
:39:29. > :39:34.it, moving furniture, like the chair spins. It must be fun.
:39:34. > :39:38.really is. Do you go before the audience comes in? Yeah, me and Tom
:39:38. > :39:42.were just touching our buttons. Everyone loves a mechanical chair.
:39:42. > :39:49.Before we go tonight, let's pay a advise toit our very own, big red
:39:49. > :39:52.chair, who's up first? Hello? You look quite serious. What's your
:39:52. > :39:58.name? Hugo. You are quite serious, aren't you? What do you do? I work
:39:58. > :40:01.in insurance. I wasn't going to guess that, but you could have.
:40:01. > :40:05.What sort of insurance? Normally property, but actually we've
:40:05. > :40:14.branched out and insured our first porn star's penis.
:40:14. > :40:20.True story. Against what? Fire and theft?
:40:20. > :40:27.APPLAUSE Well damage and being kidnapped for
:40:27. > :40:32.ransom. Yeah. Is that your story? No. OK. That's just his dull day
:40:32. > :40:38.job. Off you go, Hugo, with your tale.
:40:38. > :40:42.My tale today is of my third driving test. We are going along,
:40:42. > :40:45.fine. The examer says right in a minute we're going to go through
:40:45. > :40:52.the emergency stop. I'll put my hand up and go for it, hit the
:40:52. > :40:56.brakes. You weren't having it. Why? Because I feel like we've had the
:40:56. > :41:02.best of Hugo. I wanted to know what was going to happen. Now you never
:41:02. > :41:09.will. Get the next one on. Wow.
:41:09. > :41:18.She only plailz a bitch. -- plays. Do we have someone else? Hello.
:41:18. > :41:26.Yeah I'm with you. This is going to be great. This guy is great. What's
:41:26. > :41:36.your name? Nathan. Where are you from? Australia. His voice though,
:41:36. > :41:36.
:41:37. > :41:45.that's a porn star's voice. I think he's the... Really? Yeah. Nathan,
:41:45. > :41:52.what do you do here now? Teaching. What are you teaching? Not a lot. I
:41:52. > :41:58.teach primary school kids. Anything at all? Not on Mondays. Subjects?
:41:58. > :42:04.Years one to six and get given and told to teach it.
:42:04. > :42:09.LAUGHTER He's teaching our kids? Some parent
:42:09. > :42:15.in a second is going to go, I recognise him. Oh, my God.
:42:15. > :42:19.Nathan, I'll tell you now, you're now looking for a new job. Don't
:42:19. > :42:26.let that extract you. Off you go. We're sitting here and a few of the
:42:26. > :42:31.lads are around the TV. Let's go away for new years. Great, go on a
:42:31. > :42:36.trip to friends. Book in, 170 Aussies and Kiwis. Bound to be
:42:36. > :42:44.trouble. We're on a four-day bender. Can I stop you now? You're a
:42:44. > :42:48.primary school teacher! That's your job. Sorry, somebody had to say.
:42:48. > :42:52.That keep going. On about the fourth day, I take it upon myself
:42:52. > :42:57.to think this is a great idea, hand my beer to my mate. I run as fast
:42:57. > :43:02.as I can in my snow boods, slide on the ice like a penguin, I'm looking
:43:02. > :43:06.at this big wall of powder and think, great this is going to stop
:43:06. > :43:10.me, go straight through the wall of powder and land on a set of metal
:43:10. > :43:17.stairs. My head goes bang down three flights of stairs. That
:43:17. > :43:21.explains a lot. I get up and it was amazing. I had
:43:21. > :43:31.blood coming out of my mouth. I stand up and look up and a crowd of
:43:31. > :43:36.
:43:36. > :43:42.people on the balcony going "That's tops." Well done to everyone in the
:43:42. > :43:52.red chair. Thank you to my guests tonight. The Script, Stephen
:43:52. > :43:54.