:00:10. > :00:15.Very excited, on the show tonight is a singer famous for his trade
:00:15. > :00:25.mark stage slide. It's not that hard at all. It's really quite...
:00:25. > :00:38.
:00:38. > :00:44.APPLAUSE Thank you so much. Good evening.
:00:44. > :00:48.Good evening, good evening. Oh, I'm excited for you. What a great show
:00:48. > :00:57.we've got this week. Yes, as you might have guessed the smoothest
:00:57. > :01:00.singer in town, Michael Buble is here! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE English
:01:00. > :01:06.rose turned Hollywood star, Helena Bonham Carter is on the show!
:01:06. > :01:12.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I know! The hottest comedian in Britain, Jack
:01:12. > :01:16.Whitehall will be here. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Later, we'll be joined
:01:16. > :01:22.by globe trotting python star, Michael Palin. CHEERING AND
:01:22. > :01:26.APPLAUSE Yes. Michael will be telling us all
:01:26. > :01:31.about his latest travels around Brazil. Brazil, what a country,
:01:31. > :01:37.full of beautiful women and football. Mmm, not really my bag.
:01:37. > :01:40.LAUGHTER I might go there one day. I am
:01:40. > :01:47.delighted to welcome Helena Bonham Carter onto the show. She is the
:01:47. > :01:53.star of so many brilliant films like Mary Shelley's Frankenstein
:01:53. > :01:56.and Room With A View and Sweeney Todd. The demon barber Fleet Street.
:01:56. > :02:01.I wonder why they called him the demon barber? Perfect, thank you so
:02:01. > :02:07.much. Here she is in Planet Of The Apes.
:02:07. > :02:10.Lovely. She played an ape that formed a romantic attachment to a
:02:10. > :02:19.human. You know, it could happen. It could.
:02:19. > :02:22.LAUGHTER I told you it could happen. How
:02:22. > :02:31.excited are we that Michael Buble is back with us!
:02:32. > :02:36.APPLAUSE Oh, there's a bank of ladies over
:02:36. > :02:38.there, arghh! That's what Michael does so brilliantly, it's the way
:02:39. > :02:45.he cult investigates a rapport with his fans.
:02:45. > :02:48.Yeah. I'll give you another song.
:02:48. > :02:51.Michael incredibly popular especially amongst women of a
:02:51. > :02:56.certain age. Getting drunk and waving their
:02:56. > :03:00.knickers at him. LAUGHTER
:03:00. > :03:06.APPLAUSE Let's get some guests on. Later,
:03:06. > :03:10.we're joined by Mr Michael Palin. First, time for classic Whitehall
:03:10. > :03:15.comedy, it's Jack Whitehall. Suited, booted. I'm coming this way. Hello
:03:15. > :03:22.Sir. Very nice to see you. Have a seat. Christmas has come early,
:03:22. > :03:27.it's Michael Buble! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Oh, leather, den im, nice
:03:27. > :03:31.to see you. Time to get Carter, it's Helena
:03:31. > :03:41.Bonham Carter! APPLAUSE
:03:41. > :03:43.
:03:43. > :03:52.Hello you lovely woman. Sit down. Very nice to see you.
:03:52. > :03:57.It's a chat show everybody. Are you expecting company? I know it is
:03:57. > :04:01.excessive. Jaeger bomb with a coffee chaser. Diet Coke gets you
:04:01. > :04:10.up. Water flushes through and coffee if I do fall asleep, which I
:04:10. > :04:14.won't. Wow. Helena has high hopes for the show.
:04:14. > :04:22.It's nice when the sofa, the people are fans of each other. Michael,
:04:22. > :04:25.how many times due see Helena's last film? Dark shadows? Honestly,
:04:25. > :04:28.five times, I took my friends, my family. I thought it was a
:04:28. > :04:35.beautiful movie. I was so entertained through the whole thing.
:04:35. > :04:39.Thank you. Did you pay, five times? Yes, for a lot of people. Dear. I
:04:39. > :04:42.wish everybody else went five times. Did you see it once? I thought it
:04:42. > :04:45.was so good, I film today on a camcorder burnt it to a...
:04:45. > :04:51.LAUGHTER I wanted my friends to see it as
:04:51. > :04:56.well. I gave it to them at a reasonable price. Jack Whitehall, a
:04:56. > :05:01.big of wee might come out of Jack he's so excited. I'm on the same
:05:01. > :05:05.sofa as Michael Buble. He's not making this up. Really? I'm so
:05:05. > :05:10.excited to be here with you this evening. I'm at a stage in my life
:05:10. > :05:14.where my friends are going out right and they're having these all-
:05:14. > :05:22.night raifz and getting drunk and partying. I'm so over that. My
:05:22. > :05:27.ideal night - go home, run a bath, light some candles, open a botdle
:05:27. > :05:33.of sharaz, put ot a little of this man's music here and have what I
:05:34. > :05:39.like to refer to as a Buble bath. It's a dream, Michael. Honestly,
:05:39. > :05:47.you don't even know, this is crazy that you would say that. Because I
:05:47. > :05:57.have kept this in my wallet forever. It's not a photo of him. Is it a
:05:57. > :06:03.restraining order? Oh! It's a bromance. Look at those eyes!
:06:03. > :06:08.should have a Buble bath together one day, not in a gay way, like two
:06:08. > :06:11.boys at boarding school that want to conserve water. Like after a
:06:11. > :06:18.match. You are going to be excited because Mike sl performing later.
:06:18. > :06:23.Yes, he will. This is the Christmas considered. Which are you giving
:06:23. > :06:29.us? Jingle Bells with the most incredible group from here called
:06:29. > :06:33.the Papadopoulos sisters. If you don't know them, -- papinni sisters,
:06:33. > :06:38.if you don't know them, you're going to love them. You released
:06:38. > :06:44.four extra tracks? Yes. Last year the only thing that outsold this
:06:44. > :06:49.was Adele's 21. That's right, yes. It's massive. It turns out I'm a
:06:49. > :06:54.Christmas slut. You take it quite seriously. You
:06:54. > :07:00.love this. I love it. You go for it? I love it. I think my mum and
:07:00. > :07:03.dad gave me so much love and my sisters. We'd come from my
:07:03. > :07:07.grandparents and Christmas eve and they'd never heard me sing. I was
:07:07. > :07:13.nine, ten years old. You know the kids in the car with my sisters we
:07:13. > :07:16.were singing white Christmas, # I'm dreaming of a white Christmas
:07:16. > :07:26.with every Christmas card I write # And I went
:07:26. > :07:27.
:07:27. > :07:35.# May your days be merry and bright And the whole car went? Christmas
:07:35. > :07:40.in the Helena Bonham Carter Burton family, we have a vision of your
:07:40. > :07:44.lives. It might be different from what you think. Is it traditional?
:07:44. > :07:49.Completely. Very boring. The first Christmas he decorated the trees,
:07:49. > :07:52.he likes creative control of the tree, he's quite artistic. He.tree
:07:52. > :07:58.and everything, but as you got close you saw there were zombies
:07:58. > :08:03.and dead babies and things. This is what I was like... Really? There
:08:03. > :08:06.were. He's a sick man. Didn't you notice? His movies, there's a lot
:08:07. > :08:10.of Christmas in the movies. loves Christmas. He got the lights
:08:10. > :08:15.today. Can I clarify there's a lot in the paper about oh, you guys
:08:15. > :08:19.live in separate houses. You just live in a big house don't you?
:08:19. > :08:24.You're right. Hang on, they just knocked through some houses. We did
:08:24. > :08:27.have little ones and now it looks like a big house which has no
:08:27. > :08:32.interior design constancey whatsoever. There's a bit like me,
:08:32. > :08:36.which is tasteful and then a bit of his, which is bizarre. But no,
:08:36. > :08:41.there's not actually, everybody seems to make us more interesting
:08:41. > :08:46.than we are. You just live like rich people. It's just a big house.
:08:46. > :08:51.Exactly, very rich people, very, very, very rich. The first time you
:08:51. > :08:55.spoke, though... At all, in life? No, to Tim. The first phone call,
:08:55. > :08:58.that didn't sound like the beginning of a romance. For me it
:08:58. > :09:04.was actually. I was in Australia doing a film, no-one saw that one,
:09:04. > :09:08.but I liked it. Any way, he phoned up saying, "I'm directing this film,
:09:08. > :09:13.Planet Of The Apes, it's Tim Burton here, it was in the middle of the
:09:13. > :09:18.night, never mind, cut to the chase, he said, "Don't take this the wrong
:09:18. > :09:23.way but you are the first person I thought of to play a chimpansy." I
:09:23. > :09:27.thought, God he's never met me, but he's got me. He had a feeling, he
:09:27. > :09:32.has a lot of good instinct about people that you like to cover up. I
:09:33. > :09:38.said you're completely right. was the first spark? There it began.
:09:38. > :09:41.It was that and her work in the PG Tips adverts which was phenomenal.
:09:41. > :09:42.You have been together now ten years, congratulations. Thank you,
:09:42. > :09:50.11 years. APPLAUSE
:09:50. > :09:54.Very good. That took the man from Canada to start the round of
:09:54. > :09:59.applause. Every British couple in here was like, they must hate each
:10:00. > :10:06.other by now. Michael Buble... Year-and-a-half, over a year-and-a-
:10:06. > :10:13.half you got married. Though it feels like 20. I mean 20 happy
:10:13. > :10:23.years. It's great, yeah. I married up. That's what I d. An actress
:10:23. > :10:30.
:10:30. > :10:34.called luciana... Mrs Buble. When I try and pull girls, I use Michael
:10:34. > :10:37.Buble. Because I don't know if you're aware of this, but your
:10:37. > :10:42.music is clincher music. If you take a girl on a date and things
:10:42. > :10:47.aren't going well. You go back to yours and a bit of Buble and boom,
:10:47. > :10:52.someone's getting fingered. That's how it worked.
:10:52. > :10:59.LAUGHTER It is! Do you ever list ton one of
:10:59. > :11:03.your own CDs? When I am making a record, I go home and listen to it
:11:03. > :11:08.so I can basically judge it and destroy it and go back the next day
:11:08. > :11:14.and resing it. You know what we're asking. When I make love? When you
:11:14. > :11:21.make sweet love? When I make love? That's the thing, people are like
:11:21. > :11:24.Barry White. No you have sex with Barry White with -- in the
:11:24. > :11:30.background. You make love with Michael Buble. I would get through
:11:30. > :11:37.ten seconds of one song. # Another summer day... #
:11:37. > :11:41.Thi. -- thank you. I bet you make love
:11:41. > :11:51.like music, a cacophony of steady rhythms wheezing to a jazzy climax.
:11:51. > :11:55.In terms of your relationship, love at first sight, you meet her, but
:11:55. > :12:00.you can't communicate to begin with. We couldn't communicate and she
:12:00. > :12:03.couldn't speak English at all. Where did you meet her?
:12:03. > :12:07.Argentina after a show. I saw her across a crowded room. I was in
:12:07. > :12:12.love with her. She was invited to an after-party thing. She walked in
:12:12. > :12:15.with the greatest looking guy I've ever seen, he made Brad Pitt look
:12:15. > :12:20.like a fat turd. He came in and I, he could speak a little English,
:12:20. > :12:24.and it was heart breaking. You meet the woman of your dreams and then
:12:24. > :12:27.her boyfriend. I was drunk and as I got more drunk and more drunk, I
:12:27. > :12:31.was trying to figure out if they were together, but I didn't want to
:12:31. > :12:35.be rude. I would never do that to a guy. It's bad form. So by the time
:12:35. > :12:41.a few drinks went by I was trying to figure it out. I was just wasted.
:12:41. > :12:44.I ended up saying like "Oh, my God, look at your arm is so big. You
:12:44. > :12:53.guys are beautiful together." He said like, no, we're not together.
:12:53. > :13:00.And I said like oh, really. By that time my wife is already texting her
:13:00. > :13:04.mother saying "Oh, my God. He is so gay." Have you learned, is it
:13:04. > :13:09.Spanish or Portuguese? Brazil is Portuguese so it's Spanish. Have
:13:09. > :13:14.you learned some? I have a little bit. She says I speak like a cave
:13:14. > :13:19.man. Her English is, she went from not saying, really not a word to
:13:19. > :13:24.one day we were at her house in Argentina and I said to her, do you
:13:24. > :13:28.want to take this DVD back to blockbuster and she said "Yes,
:13:28. > :13:30.please place the corresponding considered within the correct
:13:30. > :13:39.package." LAUGHTER
:13:39. > :13:43.Again I married up. Now, we must talk about your new movie. We must.
:13:43. > :13:48.We must. Great Expectations, they've made it again, goddamn it.
:13:48. > :13:52.I've been talking about it for the last two weeks, and everybody goes
:13:52. > :13:57.again. O'Kay there was the telly one. But on the big green, the
:13:57. > :14:02.first movie that's been out 60- something years, I can't remember,
:14:02. > :14:06.but it's true. 61 years since the last thingy. It does, yeah. It's a
:14:06. > :14:12.very good version. It tellles the story brilliantly. You're fantastic.
:14:12. > :14:16.You're Mrs Haversham. Miss. That's the whole point. Sorry I didn't
:14:16. > :14:22.mean to spoil the plot for anyone. This one she actually gets married.
:14:22. > :14:25.That's a good script. You cheered it up. We thought we'd change it up
:14:25. > :14:29.and get her married. I read it. Also I wasn't trying to do
:14:29. > :14:32.something different, soy thought, ah, I read it, I did read it, I
:14:32. > :14:36.promise. Then the first thing, there was one piece that she was,
:14:36. > :14:40.when she hears the news she only puts one shoe on, so I played the
:14:40. > :14:44.whole thing with one shoe on one off. We never really got a shot of
:14:44. > :14:49.it. When we saw it, Tim thought like I was looking as if I'm
:14:49. > :14:53.hobbling and trying to be old. No I'm proud to be 45, but I'm playing
:14:54. > :15:03.it like Cinderella and it's a fairy-tale. There is lots of fairy-
:15:04. > :15:08.
:15:08. > :15:18.It's out next Friday, 30th November. Here a clip. It's miss Haversham
:15:18. > :15:26.
:15:26. > :15:34.meeting Pip, I think, for the first You will use it well. Now, let me
:15:34. > :15:44.see you play cards with him. But he is a common neighbouring boy.
:15:44. > :15:53.
:15:53. > :16:00.can break his heart. What do you play, boy? Nothing but pickeringham.
:16:00. > :16:07.So play it. We can't talk about your career without mentioning
:16:07. > :16:11.Harry Potter. Yeah. Did different people approach you after Harry
:16:11. > :16:17.Potter? They gallon really scared. I was walking down the street and
:16:17. > :16:22.someone just screamed. A fully grown adult they went ahhh. There
:16:22. > :16:26.are young children who are scared of me. They are scared of me.
:16:26. > :16:30.Between that... Sometimes it's quite useful. I have a wand at home.
:16:30. > :16:35.When Billy, my son, brings kids who I don't particularly like I just
:16:35. > :16:40.get the wand. Or they are not being particularly good. Take the wand
:16:40. > :16:45.out and they suddenly... Hallowe'en, trick or treating people run away
:16:45. > :16:50.from your house screaming. "it's so good." It's the one time we don't
:16:50. > :16:58.have to dress up. We blend in. weird thing is, in Harry Potter you
:16:58. > :17:04.could have been working with Jack? How? Was it a missed opportunity.
:17:04. > :17:12.auditions. The eyes. I could have made a very good Kop Potter. I
:17:12. > :17:19.looked like Harry Potter. I was a massive Pothead. Into Harry Potter,
:17:19. > :17:29.not weed. I used to get teased at school. There was a school bully.
:17:29. > :17:30.
:17:30. > :17:40.The school bullyy was horrible to me. He was Hatkushoi. He used to
:17:40. > :17:41.
:17:41. > :17:51.say "Potter why don't you piss off back to Hucklepfuff." Harry Potter
:17:51. > :17:51.
:17:51. > :18:00.was in Griffindor! Expellious. The clue is in the picture. I think you
:18:00. > :18:03.are aged 11. Who would bully that?! That is very cute. I wouldn't have
:18:03. > :18:10.been a good Harry Potter. Harry Potter does stuff. I wouldn't bg
:18:10. > :18:20.like... I was, you know if I got given the invisibility cloak Ron is
:18:20. > :18:24.
:18:24. > :18:27.like Can We Find the Fee loss ter's Stone? Daniel Radcliffe made an
:18:27. > :18:34.amazing Harry Potter. I heard a story that summed up how hard it
:18:35. > :18:40.was. A friend of mine was at a house party that Daniel was at.
:18:40. > :18:45.this true I was like - Daniel was at the house party. One of the
:18:45. > :18:50.biggest movie stars in the world. Presumably people were asking for
:18:50. > :18:57.photographs with him, girls wanting to sign his breasts. My mate went
:18:57. > :19:03."no, that is not what happened. I went upstairs and and five of his
:19:03. > :19:11.friends were standing outside chanting "magic your way out of
:19:11. > :19:15.that knobhead "." Is that true? don't know. I wasn't at the house
:19:15. > :19:23.party. After two years you are returning to she's shores to tour.
:19:23. > :19:28.I know. Why has it taken so long, people love it here? I was a huge
:19:28. > :19:33.fan of Elvis Presley, his thing was to leave them wanting more. I think
:19:33. > :19:38.it's nice not to over stay your welcome. I wanted to put out a new
:19:38. > :19:43.record. I got married. My family is my priority. I needed to get away a
:19:44. > :19:52.little bit. It paid off. The O2 went mad. 100,000 tickets sold in
:19:52. > :19:58.less than five minutes. Yes. Oh, my God! I know. It's not that
:19:58. > :20:03.impressive. I bought 60,000. bought the rest! Yeah. Your parents
:20:03. > :20:07.must be so, I don't know, fabulous they have lived to see your success.
:20:07. > :20:12.There must have been times when they thought - give it up, Michael.
:20:13. > :20:19.It's not going to happen? How long did it take you. 16 when I started.
:20:19. > :20:29.No, that is when he started! But, yeah, it's, obviously, it's amazing
:20:29. > :20:35.for them. It's like the Lottery. billion albums, still selling.
:20:35. > :20:40.you give them money? Do you share it? Yeah. Not that I regret it,
:20:40. > :20:44.but... But it's just kind of weird when you are working your ass off
:20:44. > :20:49.and every time you talk to your family they are on vacation
:20:49. > :20:55.somewhere. That is the honest to God truth. Sometimes it's difficult,
:20:55. > :21:00.you know? I'm in Ohio in a little hotel you are in Hawaii again for
:21:00. > :21:06.the fourth time this month! Is it true that your parents got you into
:21:06. > :21:16.singing as a memory technique? Was it your address? I couldn't
:21:16. > :21:23.remember shit. They would say, your address is 3049 Cardinal Drive. My
:21:23. > :21:28.dad said # 304D Cardinal Drive... #
:21:28. > :21:35.That stayed in my head forever. just want to write that down. That
:21:35. > :21:39.is where you are. It is really true. A beautiful voice singing something
:21:39. > :21:44.as biennial as an address. We thought, what else could Michael
:21:44. > :21:48.sing? Well, obviously there are. Big Michael Buble fans. Any ladies
:21:49. > :21:55.close by. You look like a Michael Buble... You look like a fan of
:21:55. > :22:01.everybody. Are you a fan of Michael Buble? Yeah. Are you. Is that your
:22:01. > :22:07.husband? Yes. Are you feeling a little jealous, sir? Yes. Do you
:22:08. > :22:13.have a modern phone. I have a little cheap one. Does it receive
:22:13. > :22:21.text messages? Yes. Give me your phone. What is your name? Dawn.
:22:21. > :22:29.This is Dawn. Where are your texts in there now? My texts. Texts.
:22:30. > :22:39.There we go. So, if I go to the "inbox", yeah. Yeah. Lovely. Here's
:22:40. > :22:44.
:22:45. > :22:54.one, are you Clief? No! -- Clive? No! Dawn, youminx! Clive said to
:22:55. > :22:56.
:22:57. > :23:06.you "I'll be getting you -- an early night see you... This is your
:23:07. > :23:07.
:23:07. > :23:17.son. He is a dentist and I have a tooth ache. I see. OK. OK. Let us
:23:17. > :23:23.
:23:23. > :23:27.see if Michael can sing this text. When You Wish Upon A Star.
:23:27. > :23:37.# Well, I will be getting an early night
:23:37. > :23:46.
:23:46. > :23:55.# See you soon # And your niggle
:23:55. > :24:02.# See you tomorrow # Clive, x, x, x... #
:24:02. > :24:12.Beautiful. There we go. That is for you, Dawn. Very good. Right. That
:24:12. > :24:14.
:24:14. > :24:20.was gorgeous. Amazing. Thank you. Jack Whitehall, you have finished a
:24:20. > :24:25.tour? A year ago. OK. Sorry. He did finish it. I did. It lives on in
:24:25. > :24:31.the form of a DVD. The one that Michael Buble's wife was returning
:24:31. > :24:35.in that story. She didn't like it. The beginning of this year I
:24:35. > :24:40.recorded. Where are you in your life, have you moved out of home?
:24:40. > :24:44.Yes I'm trying to become more mature, adult, grownup human being
:24:44. > :24:48.and sort of failing in that respect. How old are you now? I was going to
:24:48. > :24:52.ask you. 24 years of age. I have ID to prove it. I talk about
:24:52. > :24:56.relationships as well. I had a couple of failed relationships now
:24:56. > :25:02.which have made me learn things. I had a relationship with a girl who
:25:02. > :25:12.split up with me because she said I was too immature which is a gay
:25:12. > :25:12.
:25:12. > :25:16.thing to say. She said that. It was about when... Like, I nend a
:25:16. > :25:24.chicken suit, basically, it's a call back to when I was getting
:25:24. > :25:30.back with her. I got drunk. I was dressed as a chicken it was a
:25:30. > :25:36.costume dressing up party. I was dressed as a chicken am I did win.
:25:36. > :25:44.We came back to her house at 4700 am and she was - you are so mature.
:25:44. > :25:49.I opened the door stinking of booze saying I had been kicked out of KFC
:25:49. > :25:59.for storming in and demanding to have my children back. It doesn't
:25:59. > :26:01.
:26:01. > :26:10.go down well. Clearly, you're posh. Your audience is quite posh as well,
:26:11. > :26:18.isn't it? Quite. I heard the poshish heckle. I was doing a story
:26:18. > :26:25.about a TV chef. In the story I said "he went over and switched on
:26:25. > :26:35.his aga" a man at the back of the room with such rage stood up and
:26:35. > :26:35.
:26:35. > :26:41.said "you can't switch on a Aga, that is the point !" That is my fan
:26:41. > :26:45.base. Your fans send you things? They do send me things. I'm crap at
:26:45. > :26:51.answering fan mail. You brought in a piece. I did bring in a piece.
:26:51. > :26:57.This is the only thing I read in the last week. Apologise to anybody
:26:57. > :27:05.who sent me something. It's beautiful. Very nicely done. A fan
:27:05. > :27:15.made this. It's called "25 Carter cart has taught me." things like
:27:15. > :27:18.
:27:18. > :27:28.The Best Outfits Don't cpvp to Match -- Have to Match. People feel
:27:28. > :27:34.
:27:34. > :27:41.better until No 17. No 17. It's OK To Have Short Thick Legs. My friend
:27:41. > :27:48.said, read it, it will make you feel good. She hadn't read it all.
:27:48. > :27:56.I just went "ugh." I never said it was OK to have short thick legs.
:27:56. > :28:02.Maybe I'm making her feel OK about hers? Let's go with that. If I've
:28:02. > :28:08.made short thick legs fashionable I've done something really helpful
:28:08. > :28:16.for female... Yes. Michael Buble, I love reading about your fans. Your
:28:16. > :28:20.fans are proper... People faint when they meet you? A couple of
:28:20. > :28:27.times did. I'm not like a One Direction guy. I feel horrible for
:28:27. > :28:34.them. I can see it happening too. You should have smelling salts.
:28:34. > :28:40.Then I couldn't slap them awake. Yeah, you can it happening too. You
:28:40. > :28:44.know what it isn't, it's not like the freak out like The Beatles.
:28:44. > :28:49.It's like I'm talking to them and I say "thank you very much" I see it
:28:49. > :28:56.in their eye they are socially anxious they go "oh, my gosh I
:28:56. > :29:00.can't believe..." then you see them fading. Then it's "boom." Sometimes
:29:00. > :29:05.your fans can be very direct. Do they whisper something to you?
:29:05. > :29:10.this is horrible. This is just... They give you an insight into who I
:29:10. > :29:16.am and how gigantic my ego is. I was at a signing, like a book store,
:29:16. > :29:23.a record store, this girl came up and she was very hot. She was about
:29:23. > :29:29.18/19 years old. She looked at me with these very sexy eyes she said
:29:29. > :29:35."oh, Michael, does your penis give lessons?" I was so happy about this,
:29:35. > :29:45.you don't even know! I had my publicist with me. I looked at her
:29:45. > :29:46.
:29:46. > :29:53.and and said "this lady just asked me if my penis gave lessons." this
:29:53. > :29:57.girl said, "I said, does your pianist give lessons"! I don't hear
:29:57. > :30:07.what I want to hear! Oh, God. It gives you insight. Be care whafl
:30:07. > :30:11.I'm thinking about being in that class. Michael Buble will be
:30:11. > :30:15.singing shortly. First, let's say hello to my final guest. Show this
:30:15. > :30:25.man and globe and he'll trot it. Please welcome. Michael Palin!
:30:25. > :30:33.
:30:33. > :30:36.Have a seat. Hello. Hi guys. How nice. Lovely to see you. It's like
:30:36. > :30:41.breaking into a party that's going really well here and in comes the
:30:41. > :30:46.vicar. Can you keep the noise down, please? Now for the boring bit.
:30:46. > :30:52.It's always lovely to see you. and you too. This Christmas you
:30:53. > :30:58.bring us a handsome tomb. Yes, it's beautiful, a book of your trip to
:30:58. > :31:02.Brazil, handsomely produced. Very handsomely, yes. Fantastic photos,
:31:02. > :31:07.wonderful text, page numbering absolutely terrific, really almost
:31:07. > :31:11.accurate throughout. And it weighs a ton. It's a proper... That's a
:31:11. > :31:15.proper book. You feel you have a proper gift. It's a lavish BBC
:31:15. > :31:21.production. But you know there are some cost-cutting going around the
:31:21. > :31:26.some cost-cutting going around the BBC. You did use some local crews.
:31:26. > :31:30.Yes, they have been filmed so often that they now know how to use
:31:30. > :31:34.cameras and they now how to use quite sophisticated computer
:31:34. > :31:41.programmes and all. That they've leapt from being people of the
:31:41. > :31:46.rainforest to people who can work out quite sophisticated technical
:31:46. > :31:51.equipment. Do though necessity -- they know what you want? "Do you
:31:51. > :31:54.want us to do the dance sning" They've been on Come Dine With Me.
:31:54. > :31:59.Some of the places you've been to are so remote, there's no way you
:31:59. > :32:03.can make that comfortable in telly land. It must have been hell.
:32:03. > :32:07.it wasn't hell. It was kind of exciting and interesting. They
:32:07. > :32:10.don't, all right you sleep in a hammock all night and it's a
:32:10. > :32:15.strange... We were talking about that, did you really sleep in that
:32:15. > :32:21.hammock all night? Of course I did, all night. How long? Did they not
:32:21. > :32:31.have a lilo for you? How many hours did you get? How much sleep do you
:32:31. > :32:33.
:32:33. > :32:40.need? Yeah, Michael! She's drunk her coffee. I'm running out.
:32:40. > :32:46.think it's great when comedians really slum it. I watched the most
:32:46. > :32:49.amazing documentary where Leny Henry stayed in a Premier Inn. It
:32:49. > :32:57.tugged at your heart strings. I don't know how he got through it.
:32:57. > :33:00.wanted that gig. Was there any place that's were insecure or
:33:00. > :33:04.more... Dangerous? People say Brazil is dangerous. I had no
:33:04. > :33:10.problems. We didn't feel threatened at any point. But take a turn down
:33:10. > :33:14.the wrong street and you probably find problems. In Salvador,
:33:14. > :33:19.beautiful city, but no-one stops at red traffic lights after 11pm. You
:33:19. > :33:24.just move on. I never know what the problem is with danger. I get into
:33:24. > :33:29.places and people say, "You went there?! Someone just got killed or
:33:29. > :33:35.eaten there." Oh, really, it looks very nice to me. The sun's shining.
:33:35. > :33:40.Oh, is that a snake, oohhh. I'll eat that later. It wasn't just
:33:40. > :33:46.people you encountered, you had lots of animals in the film. What
:33:46. > :33:51.are the dolphins? The pink river dolphins. They're quite dangerous,
:33:51. > :33:54.I'm told. You swam with them. didn't know they were dangerous. I
:33:54. > :33:59.thought, I've never swum with dolphins. I thought they were
:33:59. > :34:04.lovely, nice faces and that. They're smiley. They make you feel
:34:04. > :34:10.better. There they are. They have a lot of teeth. They're about a foot
:34:10. > :34:14.long, 25 teeth. Was it in Hawaii you had a wildlife encount sner
:34:14. > :34:22.Yeah, you know, I go there with my wife and buddies every year. One
:34:22. > :34:27.year I went there and I got hammered, just shittered just drunk
:34:27. > :34:30.and a skunk. The next morning, I said to them because my friends are
:34:30. > :34:35.crazy, boys, just be cool tonight, don't do something stupid, stay out
:34:35. > :34:39.of the water. All that stuff. When we woke up the next morning. I felt
:34:39. > :34:42.great. They said "You know man, you were crazy last night." I got angry
:34:42. > :34:48.because they kept accusing me of doing this stuff. It wasn't true,
:34:48. > :34:53.until they showed me a picture of me dry humping a sea turtle.
:34:53. > :35:00.believe we have the picture. There you are.
:35:00. > :35:04.That's a big sea turtle. I swear to you I had zero recollection of that
:35:05. > :35:12.turtle. Sometimes I hope the turtle for got me too. I love your face.
:35:12. > :35:16.There is no expression at all. That's called enjoying. It's love.
:35:16. > :35:19.The turtle is waiting for you to call. That's probably the most
:35:19. > :35:24.exciting thing that's happened to that turtle in about 123 years.
:35:24. > :35:28.They live a long time. Very rarely do they get a major world singer
:35:28. > :35:35.dry hum pg them. APPLAUSE
:35:35. > :35:39.-- humping. Mike sl going to be singing for us, no, not you.
:35:39. > :35:46.APPLAUSE You can, if you want to. Certainly
:35:46. > :35:52.not. You sing Canada's National Anthem.
:35:52. > :35:58.# I'm just a lumber Jack, I'm OK # It's time for the music. Mr Buble,
:35:58. > :36:03.if you'd like to go and get ready. Go on. Right, in a moment, we'll
:36:03. > :36:12.have this week's stories in the famous red chair. First, performing
:36:12. > :36:15.Jingle Bells, it is Mr Michael # Merry Christmas, ladies
:36:15. > :36:18.# Are you ready to sing a little Jingle Bells?
:36:18. > :36:22.# Yeeeees # Jingle bells, jingle bells
:36:23. > :36:26.# Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride
:36:27. > :36:32.# In a one-horse open sleigh # Jingle bells, jingle bells
:36:32. > :36:34.# Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride
:36:34. > :36:37.# In a one-horse open sleigh # Dashing through the snow
:36:37. > :36:41.# In a one-horse open sleigh # O'er the fields we go
:36:41. > :36:45.# Laughing all the way # Bells on bob tail ring
:36:45. > :36:51.# Making spirits bright # What fun it is to ride and sing
:36:52. > :37:00.# A sleighing song tonight # Jingle bells, jingle bells
:37:00. > :37:04.# Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride
:37:04. > :37:11.# In a one-horse open sleigh... 'eigh... 'eigh
:37:11. > :37:15.# Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way
:37:15. > :37:21.# Oh, what a lotta fun, what a lotta fun to ride and sing
:37:21. > :37:25.# In a one-horse open sleigh # Dashing through the snow
:37:25. > :37:27.# We are dashing # In a one-horse open sleigh
:37:27. > :37:32.# One-horse sleigh # O'er the fields we go
:37:32. > :37:38.# O'er the fields we go, we go # Laughing all the way
:37:38. > :37:44.# All the way # Bells on bob tail ring
:37:44. > :37:52.# Making spirits bright # What fun it is to ride and sing
:37:52. > :37:55.# A sleighing song tonight # Jingle bells, jingle bells
:37:55. > :37:59.# Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun it is to ride
:37:59. > :38:02.# In a one-horse open sleigh # Oh everyone
:38:02. > :38:12.# Jingle bells, jingle bells # Jingle all the way
:38:12. > :38:24.
:38:24. > :38:27.# Oh, what fun it is to ride # Argh, jingle bells,
:38:27. > :38:29.# Jingle bells, jingle bells jingle bells
:38:29. > :38:32.# Jingle all the way # Oh, what fun
:38:32. > :38:35.# in a one-horse open sleigh # Jingle bells,
:38:35. > :38:38.# Jingle bells, jingle bells jingle bells
:38:38. > :38:42.# Jingle all the way # Oh what fun it is to ride
:38:42. > :38:52.# In a one-horse open sleigh # Jingle bells, jingle bells,
:38:52. > :39:01.
:39:02. > :39:11.Jingle all the way Fantastic job, Sir. Thank you.
:39:12. > :39:13.
:39:13. > :39:17.a seat. Very good. Swingle all the way. Swing, swingle bells. Just a
:39:17. > :39:24.time for a story or two in the red chair. Who is first? Hello Sir.
:39:24. > :39:27.Hello. What's your name? Rob. do you live? In market harbour in
:39:27. > :39:30.Leicestershire. It's lovely there. Paip paip paip has been there. Mind
:39:30. > :39:35.-- Michael Palin has been there, mind you, he's been everywhere.
:39:35. > :39:44.What do you do? Well I live there, but I work in Swindon, it doesn't
:39:44. > :39:48.get better than that. What a lovely morning. Right off you go. I was in
:39:48. > :39:54.London and walking past Buckingham Palace... That's a great start to a
:39:54. > :40:02.story. Our expectations are so high now. And out of the gate comes
:40:02. > :40:06.Nelson Mandela. Oh! Name drop. Didn't see it coming. OK. He's
:40:06. > :40:10.wearing this flipping hot shirt and I just said to him "Where did you
:40:10. > :40:14.get that shirt from." Like I had been hanging out with Nelson
:40:15. > :40:22.Mandela for a while. Did he answer me at all? He grinned a very nice
:40:22. > :40:27.grin. I bought it from Primark. I got introduced to Nelson Mandela
:40:27. > :40:32.once and he thanked me for helping end apartheid. I was thinking, I
:40:32. > :40:36.didn't do that much, I signed a petition on the night bus. I met
:40:37. > :40:43.him and told him I loved him in Shaw shank redemgs. That was not
:40:43. > :40:49.good. One more. Why not. This is is.
:40:49. > :40:59.We're hoping this is is. It's going to be the turtle I got... By
:40:59. > :41:03.Michael Buble. Hello? Hello! Hi Graham. He looks
:41:03. > :41:07.serious, like he means business. Biker dude. What's your name?
:41:07. > :41:15.Steve from Belfast. And do you live in Belfast or here? I live in
:41:15. > :41:23.London. What do you do? I'm a director in a sales company. Mmm.
:41:23. > :41:32.He looks like a bit a. -- of a shit. My balls are so bigamy legs need to
:41:32. > :41:37.be like this. -- go ahead. I was in Dublin with
:41:37. > :41:43.my girlfriend, who is now my ex- girlfriend. We were celebrating our
:41:43. > :41:53.year's anniversary and in a fancy restaurant. In the corner we seen
:41:53. > :41:57.Bono having dinner with a friend. The Edge? Being big YouTube fans as
:41:57. > :42:01.we are, we thought shall we go over and ask for an autograph and a
:42:01. > :42:06.picture. Go, go. We thought it might not be appropriate. Bono got
:42:06. > :42:10.up and went to the toilet and this was our chance, soy went over and
:42:10. > :42:15.asked the friend, he was with just one friend, and I asked "Do you
:42:15. > :42:22.think Bono would mind if me and my girlfriend got a picture and an
:42:22. > :42:27.autograph. We're big U2 fans." The friend said, he's a very private
:42:27. > :42:33.person. We're having dinner. Come back to your table. When he comes
:42:33. > :42:39.back, if he's OK with it, I'll wave you over. Five minutes later he
:42:39. > :42:45.came back. Only five minutes. OK. He came back addened friend waved
:42:45. > :42:49.us over so we ran over like two geeks and said Bono we're big U2
:42:49. > :42:54.fans... We got all that, yes! together a year, can we have a
:42:54. > :42:58.photo and a picture, yes no problem. I give the camera to the friend who
:42:58. > :43:02.then took a picture of three of us and he signed an autograph no
:43:02. > :43:06.problem. We went back to our table very happy. An hour or so later, I
:43:06. > :43:11.went to the waiter to get the bill and the waiter said no, your bill
:43:11. > :43:17.has been paid for. I said well, who's paid for that, has Bono paid
:43:17. > :43:20.for our dinner. No Bruce Springsteen did, he was the friend
:43:20. > :43:30.who we didn't recognise... APPLAUSE
:43:30. > :43:30.
:43:30. > :43:37.Yeah. Wow, you can walk. Go, go. What a good story. Well done
:43:37. > :43:44.everyone. If you'd like a go in the red chair you can. Thank you to all
:43:44. > :43:48.my guests tonight, Mr Michael Palin! Helena Bonham Carter! Jack
:43:48. > :43:51.Whitehall! And Michael Buble! # Join me next week with comedienne