0:00:02 > 0:00:04Tonight on the show, I've got the star of the new Hobbit film,
0:00:04 > 0:00:06so I'd better get on. I'll just put my magic ring on
0:00:06 > 0:00:08to make myself invisible.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Oh, excuse me, sorry, ow!
0:00:09 > 0:00:12Sorry, no, could you...? Thank you very much.
0:00:12 > 0:00:15Thank you. Thank you so much.
0:00:16 > 0:00:18Oh, stupid ring! Let's start the show!
0:00:18 > 0:00:21CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:37 > 0:00:38Hello!
0:00:38 > 0:00:40Hello, everybody!
0:00:41 > 0:00:44Good evening. Good evening, good evening.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Hello! Welcome, all.
0:00:48 > 0:00:51Oh, quel show we've got for you tonight.
0:00:51 > 0:00:55Bilbo the hobbit himself, Martin Freeman is on the show!
0:00:55 > 0:00:57CHEERING
0:00:57 > 0:00:58Yes!
0:00:58 > 0:01:01My favourite comedian, Dawn French, is on the show!
0:01:01 > 0:01:05CHEERING
0:01:05 > 0:01:08My other favourite comedian...oops! Lee Mack is here!
0:01:08 > 0:01:12CHEERING
0:01:12 > 0:01:15And...adding even more glamour than a hobbit and Lee Mack,
0:01:15 > 0:01:18we've got music and chat with the fabulous Girls Aloud.
0:01:18 > 0:01:20CHEERING
0:01:21 > 0:01:23HE BABBLES INCOHERENTLY
0:01:25 > 0:01:28So, this is it, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:28 > 0:01:32It is official, Hobbit mania is sweeping the nation.
0:01:32 > 0:01:36The new film is out now, Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey.
0:01:36 > 0:01:38At the premiere this week in London,
0:01:38 > 0:01:42one Hobbit fan took the opportunity to surprise his girlfriend.
0:01:42 > 0:01:44Aww!
0:01:44 > 0:01:46AUDIENCE SIGH
0:01:46 > 0:01:47Isn't that amazing?
0:01:47 > 0:01:49A Hobbit fan with a girlfriend(!)
0:01:49 > 0:01:52LAUGHTER
0:01:52 > 0:01:55All your favourite characters are in the film, including Gollum.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57He's back.
0:01:57 > 0:01:59It looks like they've disturbed him on the toilet, doesn't it?
0:01:59 > 0:02:01LAUGHTER
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- IMITATING GOLLUM: - "Oh, its precious ring is on fire!"
0:02:04 > 0:02:06LAUGHTER
0:02:09 > 0:02:11"Leave it a minute."
0:02:11 > 0:02:13Apparently, Prince Charles is a big fan of Tolkien.
0:02:13 > 0:02:18Yeah, he even went to visit the set. Here he is meeting Gloin the dwarf.
0:02:18 > 0:02:20LAUGHTER
0:02:20 > 0:02:22Look at those funny ears!
0:02:22 > 0:02:23LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:26No, look at them. There's lots of them.
0:02:26 > 0:02:29A lot of people are saying that Martin was born to play Bilbo,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32but that's been said about other characters in The Hobbit.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I mean, here's Bifur the dwarf...
0:02:34 > 0:02:37and I think we all know who was born to play him.
0:02:38 > 0:02:41LAUGHTER
0:02:41 > 0:02:43Oh, come on, that's uncanny!
0:02:44 > 0:02:47So excited to have Girls Aloud on the show!
0:02:47 > 0:02:49CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:49 > 0:02:51I know! Now...
0:02:51 > 0:02:54CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Apparently, I'm not the only one.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59The band have been celebrating their 10th anniversary.
0:02:59 > 0:03:02- CHEERS - I know! Ten years.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Makes you think, "What was I doing ten years ago?"
0:03:04 > 0:03:07LAUGHTER
0:03:09 > 0:03:10Happy days!
0:03:10 > 0:03:12LAUGHTER
0:03:12 > 0:03:14Girls Aloud had a massive party.
0:03:14 > 0:03:18They even met up again with their old Popstars rivals, One True Voice.
0:03:18 > 0:03:20Yeah, they did.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:03:24 > 0:03:27And what a weekend it was! Especially for Kimberley.
0:03:27 > 0:03:29Oh, here she is on Friday evening...
0:03:29 > 0:03:31Saturday evening...
0:03:31 > 0:03:33and Sunday morning.
0:03:33 > 0:03:34LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:37Let's get some guests on!
0:03:37 > 0:03:40Later, we'll have music and chat from Girls Aloud...
0:03:40 > 0:03:42CHEERING
0:03:42 > 0:03:44..but first, it's Lee Mack!
0:03:49 > 0:03:51- Hello, sir.- Sit yourself down.
0:03:52 > 0:03:55Time for a bit of French kissing, it's Dawn French!
0:03:55 > 0:03:57CHEERING
0:03:59 > 0:04:01Oh, the show business of it all!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03- You look gorgeous.- Thank you.
0:04:03 > 0:04:04Have a seat, too.
0:04:04 > 0:04:06APPLAUSE
0:04:06 > 0:04:08And I can hear the pitter patter of big, hairy feet.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10It's Martin Freeman!
0:04:10 > 0:04:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:13 > 0:04:15- Hello, sir.- Hi. Have a seat.
0:04:15 > 0:04:18APPLAUSE
0:04:22 > 0:04:23Hello, all.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25Now, listen, if you are Christmas shopping,
0:04:25 > 0:04:28all your needs are on this sofa.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30We've got the big Christmas movie, The Hobbit,
0:04:30 > 0:04:33- we've got a beautiful novel, haven't we?- Yes, we have.
0:04:33 > 0:04:37If fiction's not your thing, we've got an autobiography down the end.
0:04:37 > 0:04:39- Yes.- It's all there. - Have you got an autobiography?
0:04:39 > 0:04:41- I have, yeah.- Oh, fair play.
0:04:41 > 0:04:43I'm here shamelessly plugging it. LAUGHTER
0:04:43 > 0:04:46- Is it out already?- Have you got a film out?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48Tell me about this film. What it's called?
0:04:48 > 0:04:50It's a documentary about Middle Earth.
0:04:50 > 0:04:53We won't be needing you, Graham! LAUGHTER
0:04:53 > 0:04:56But here he is, you know, THE Hobbit,
0:04:56 > 0:05:00the star of the biggest movie of the year, and yet -
0:05:00 > 0:05:04this is inspiring for actors watching -
0:05:04 > 0:05:06you HAVE done panto.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Yeah. Yes, I have.
0:05:07 > 0:05:11I've done a kind of panto, many years ago at the Lyric Hammersmith.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13What do you mean, "a kind of panto?"
0:05:13 > 0:05:17Well, it was with a company called Improbable Theatre.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19I mean, it was a sort of an unscripted panto,
0:05:19 > 0:05:23based on Angela Carter's Cinderella, and I was Buttons.
0:05:23 > 0:05:24- OK.- Yeah.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26That sounds awful.
0:05:26 > 0:05:28LAUGHTER
0:05:28 > 0:05:31It really wasn't. It was really good.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Unscripted panto, it's just like...
0:05:34 > 0:05:37Let's face it, scripted pantos are awful.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38LAUGHTER
0:05:38 > 0:05:40Because you did the ITV one, didn't you?
0:05:40 > 0:05:42I did, so it was a one-night thing.
0:05:42 > 0:05:44But I actually fractured my ribs.
0:05:44 > 0:05:48I played Idle Jack, and I had to fall over in the shot,
0:05:48 > 0:05:51and there was a big stack of toilet paper in the shot
0:05:51 > 0:05:54and the idea was that I fall on it. And like an idiot, I thought,
0:05:54 > 0:05:57"If I fall completely flat, that'll cushion the fall, won't it,
0:05:57 > 0:05:58- "toilet paper?"- Eek.
0:05:58 > 0:06:01But it was cheap stuff. It wasn't like your thick, quilted stuff.
0:06:01 > 0:06:03It was your home brand stuff.
0:06:03 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER
0:06:05 > 0:06:07The word "Lidl" gave it away.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09I went straight down, squashed them, fractured my ribs.
0:06:09 > 0:06:11And it's actually shown every year on ITV2 or something.
0:06:11 > 0:06:14And you see me getting up and going, "Oh, God..."
0:06:14 > 0:06:16I had to try to carry on for the rest of the panto.
0:06:16 > 0:06:18There is nothing worse than being in immense pain
0:06:18 > 0:06:20- in front of an audience.- No.
0:06:20 > 0:06:22You should see what I'm going through now.
0:06:22 > 0:06:24LAUGHTER
0:06:24 > 0:06:27- Now, Dawn, you're a big fan of the panto.- Yes.
0:06:27 > 0:06:28Was it Croydon you went...?
0:06:28 > 0:06:31Yes, we went to see a friend of ours, Gareth Snook, in a pantomime.
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I think he was playing Buttons...
0:06:33 > 0:06:37and we went along to see it and there was a kind of big moment
0:06:37 > 0:06:42when Buttons decided to do a joke with the whole of the audience,
0:06:42 > 0:06:44and asked us all to look at our programmes
0:06:44 > 0:06:47and there was a lucky number on the back of the programme,
0:06:47 > 0:06:51and the lucky person who had the number would win a troll.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53And it was a big, giant troll like that.
0:06:53 > 0:06:55I've never won anything in my life,
0:06:55 > 0:06:58- and I really, really wanted that troll. Badly.- Yes.
0:06:58 > 0:07:02And we all had to look at the back of our programmes and he said,
0:07:02 > 0:07:04"And the number is... The number is...
0:07:04 > 0:07:08"number 13." I had number 13, I couldn't believe it.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10So, I was up, out of my chair, Jennifer was tugging at me,
0:07:10 > 0:07:12trying to get me to sit down,
0:07:12 > 0:07:15I was out of my chair, running, running down to the front,
0:07:15 > 0:07:17I knew that troll was going to be mine...
0:07:17 > 0:07:20only to discover, when I got to the front of the stage,
0:07:20 > 0:07:24trying to grab at the troll, that everybody had number 13.
0:07:24 > 0:07:26LAUGHTER
0:07:26 > 0:07:27That was, in fact, the joke.
0:07:29 > 0:07:32But my greed had precluded me from seeing that.
0:07:32 > 0:07:34Getting to the stage just took about two minutes,
0:07:34 > 0:07:37but getting back to my seat took about 13 years.
0:07:37 > 0:07:40LAUGHTER
0:07:40 > 0:07:43- Were you the only one who was actually up and running?- Only one.
0:07:43 > 0:07:44And there were...
0:07:44 > 0:07:47You know, there were a few busloads of people in the front rows
0:07:47 > 0:07:50who've come from the "We don't know how to think very well" place...
0:07:50 > 0:07:52LAUGHTER
0:07:52 > 0:07:55They got it. I didn't get it. They got it.
0:07:55 > 0:07:56- They got it?- Yeah.
0:07:56 > 0:07:58I hear you.
0:07:58 > 0:08:02Speaking of trolls... Nice link, nice link! Thanks for that.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04You're getting us right back on track.
0:08:04 > 0:08:06I thought you'd say, "Talking of trolls,
0:08:06 > 0:08:09"we've got a prize tonight if you got the lucky number..."
0:08:09 > 0:08:12Martin Freeman, who knew this day would come?
0:08:12 > 0:08:17It must be amazing, because you've been filming The Hobbit for so long.
0:08:17 > 0:08:18Did you lose sight of the fact
0:08:18 > 0:08:20that it was ever going to be a film in cinemas?
0:08:20 > 0:08:24You kind of do, in a...what I think is quite a helpful way, actually,
0:08:24 > 0:08:27because it kind of decreases the...pressure
0:08:27 > 0:08:28and that kind of expectation.
0:08:28 > 0:08:32About once a month, Jimmy Nesbitt would look at me and say,
0:08:32 > 0:08:34"Martin, you are The Hobbit,"
0:08:34 > 0:08:37to sort of remind me that this was actually going to be a film,
0:08:37 > 0:08:39because it would sort of dawn on you sometimes
0:08:39 > 0:08:43that we were making this...these three incredibly huge films.
0:08:43 > 0:08:45When he said, "You are The Hobbit," were you dressed as a giraffe?
0:08:45 > 0:08:47LAUGHTER
0:08:47 > 0:08:49- "Martin, you are the HOBBIT." - Go back and get dressed.
0:08:49 > 0:08:52Go back and get the right bloody costume.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55LAUGHTER
0:08:55 > 0:08:58No-one is walking out of the cinema, thinking,
0:08:58 > 0:09:00"I wish I had more film for my money."
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- It's epic! It really is epic. And two more to come.- Yes.
0:09:04 > 0:09:05Pete likes an epic film.
0:09:05 > 0:09:07When you signed on, though,
0:09:07 > 0:09:09- did you sign on for one movie or two movies?- Two.
0:09:09 > 0:09:11And then at what point did someone say,
0:09:11 > 0:09:15"Oh, by the way, we're making another movie"?
0:09:15 > 0:09:18On the day of the wrap party, they told us.
0:09:18 > 0:09:20For those of you who don't know, the wrap party is the party
0:09:20 > 0:09:23when you finish principal photography.
0:09:23 > 0:09:27So, we thought, "OK, we're going home, and that's the end,"
0:09:27 > 0:09:29and they said, "Look, we're going to make three films."
0:09:29 > 0:09:32I mean, we are going to be coming back next year anyway
0:09:32 > 0:09:34for pick-ups, for pick-up shots...
0:09:34 > 0:09:35Yeah, not just pick-ups.
0:09:35 > 0:09:37LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:39You know these people ARE human beings...
0:09:39 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:43They weren't in the front row for a panto.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45Graham mentioned the cinema earlier.
0:09:45 > 0:09:47Cinema is like television, but it's, like, massive!
0:09:47 > 0:09:49LAUGHTER
0:09:49 > 0:09:52And you can eat popcorn, it's very nice. You'll have a lovely time.
0:09:52 > 0:09:56Oh, I know. But yes, and they said, "We're going to make three films,
0:09:56 > 0:09:59"because we have, you know, an amazing amount of
0:09:59 > 0:10:02"footage and material that we would have to squeeze into two.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05"We want to tell this story properly, so..."
0:10:05 > 0:10:08I kind of think, "If you really think this is what's needed,
0:10:08 > 0:10:10"then I'm OK with that."
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I suppose when you see the script
0:10:13 > 0:10:16and you realise that it only goes up to page 33 of the actual book,
0:10:16 > 0:10:19that's a clue that there are more to come.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21We should have realised, yeah.
0:10:21 > 0:10:23Because I thought,
0:10:23 > 0:10:25"It's weird that it ends just with Bilbo leaving Bag End..."
0:10:25 > 0:10:27LAUGHTER
0:10:27 > 0:10:30I thought Gollum was in it.
0:10:30 > 0:10:33And you've... How many premieres have you done now?
0:10:33 > 0:10:36Four...four. Yeah. So, London last night...
0:10:36 > 0:10:38If any of you are wondering, four is just one more than three.
0:10:38 > 0:10:41LAUGHTER
0:10:43 > 0:10:45I won't do any more of that, Martin, I promise.
0:10:45 > 0:10:48No, I quite enjoy it, actually. I do quite like it,
0:10:48 > 0:10:49but it also hurts me.
0:10:50 > 0:10:52It means he's in pain...
0:10:52 > 0:10:54Shut up!
0:10:54 > 0:10:56Four. We did Wellington...
0:10:56 > 0:10:58He knows what four is as well, you don't have to put the numbers up.
0:10:58 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:03We did Wellington...
0:11:03 > 0:11:07Tokyo, New York and London. And today, it's open.
0:11:07 > 0:11:09Listen, we've got a clip,
0:11:09 > 0:11:14and I think this is around your first day of filming...
0:11:14 > 0:11:15- Yes...- This is you and Gollum...
0:11:15 > 0:11:17Yeah, well, this is the first thing we shot.
0:11:17 > 0:11:21And...because you know you're going to be working with this character
0:11:21 > 0:11:23- for so long...- Yeah...
0:11:23 > 0:11:27How do you pitch it, knowing, whatever I do today,
0:11:27 > 0:11:30I'm going to be doing this in two years?
0:11:30 > 0:11:33Well, that's a good question. You are finding...
0:11:33 > 0:11:34- Well done.- Thank you.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35LAUGHTER
0:11:35 > 0:11:37It's only taken four years.
0:11:37 > 0:11:40You don't do a Geordie accent, that's what I'd say.
0:11:40 > 0:11:43Yes, I decided, "Shall I go with the Senegalese...?"
0:11:43 > 0:11:46No, yeah, you kind of find your way.
0:11:46 > 0:11:48You know, we were shooting this scene
0:11:48 > 0:11:51for probably about ten working days, I suppose,
0:11:51 > 0:11:54and it's about a ten-minute scene, and Andy Serkis and I
0:11:54 > 0:11:56did it over and over again in one take.
0:11:56 > 0:12:00We shot it like a play, we shot it like a theatre piece...
0:12:00 > 0:12:02And in that time, if you've got Gollum kind of coming at you,
0:12:02 > 0:12:07you have to react and you have to just go with the moment.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10OK, well, this is Martin Freeman playing Bilbo Baggins,
0:12:10 > 0:12:12meeting Gollum for the first time.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15What is it, Precious?
0:12:15 > 0:12:17What is it?
0:12:17 > 0:12:18My name...
0:12:18 > 0:12:21is Bilbo Baggins.
0:12:21 > 0:12:23Bagginses?
0:12:23 > 0:12:27What is a Bagginses, Precious?
0:12:27 > 0:12:28I'm a...
0:12:28 > 0:12:30hobbit from the Shire.
0:12:30 > 0:12:31Oh!
0:12:31 > 0:12:33We like goblinses, batses and fishes,
0:12:33 > 0:12:36but we hasn't tried hobbitses before!
0:12:37 > 0:12:40Is it soft? Is it juicy?
0:12:40 > 0:12:43Now, now...
0:12:43 > 0:12:46Keep your distance. I will use this if I have to.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47HE SCREAMS
0:12:47 > 0:12:50I don't want any trouble, do you understand?
0:12:50 > 0:12:53Just show me the way to get out of here, and I'll be on my way.
0:12:53 > 0:12:55Why? Is it lost?
0:12:55 > 0:12:59Yes, yes, and I want to get unlost as soon as possible.
0:12:59 > 0:13:02Oh, we knows. We knows safe paths for hobbitses,
0:13:02 > 0:13:04safe paths in the dark.
0:13:04 > 0:13:05Shut up!
0:13:05 > 0:13:08- I didn't say anything. - We wasn't talking to you.
0:13:08 > 0:13:11APPLAUSE
0:13:16 > 0:13:18I was surprised how long it took you to get ready,
0:13:18 > 0:13:20because you look like yourself.
0:13:20 > 0:13:23- You know, a lot of the dwarves... - What are you saying?
0:13:23 > 0:13:25Well, no, the dwarves...
0:13:25 > 0:13:27- We've had this before... - A lot of the dwarves are very...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29Massive feet.
0:13:29 > 0:13:31But that takes a long time?
0:13:31 > 0:13:34The dwarves, yes, some of the dwarves took about three hours,
0:13:34 > 0:13:37because they have a big head prosthetic...
0:13:37 > 0:13:39You know, they have a massive helmet...
0:13:39 > 0:13:41LAUGHTER
0:13:41 > 0:13:43Don't explain that. Don't.
0:13:43 > 0:13:47They have a big prosthetic helmet, big yak hair, beards,
0:13:47 > 0:13:49you know, noses, the lot.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52And they also have massive fat suits where they put everything on...
0:13:52 > 0:13:54- So, you got away lightly?- I got away pretty lightly, yeah, I did.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56- I was an hour and a quarter in make-up.- Wow.
0:13:56 > 0:13:58- Because Dawn knows how you feel... - Yes.
0:13:58 > 0:14:01- Because you've been there, haven't you?- I have.- Yes.
0:14:01 > 0:14:02I have been a hobbit in my time.
0:14:02 > 0:14:05Dawn... We have a picture of Dawn as a hobbit. There she is.
0:14:05 > 0:14:09LAUGHTER
0:14:09 > 0:14:11Oh, dear, that's with Jennifer!
0:14:16 > 0:14:18- Looking good. - Yeah, looking very good.
0:14:18 > 0:14:20Now, in terms of the scale of everything...
0:14:20 > 0:14:23So...are hobbits a bit bigger than dwarves...?
0:14:23 > 0:14:26No, I mean, actually, they're roughly the same size.
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Hobbits are basically three foot six, three foot seven, roughly.
0:14:29 > 0:14:33And, I mean...the dwarves, some of them are...
0:14:33 > 0:14:35some of them are a fair bit taller than me,
0:14:35 > 0:14:37some of them are kind of my sort of size.
0:14:37 > 0:14:41So, as two species, they're not really that much different in size.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43And then, Ian McKellen, is he bigger than a person?
0:14:43 > 0:14:46He's kind of man-sized. Yeah, he's kind of human size.
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- But then elves are taller? - Elves are even taller, yeah.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52And it is seamless when you watch the movie...
0:14:52 > 0:14:54Yeah, it's very consistent.
0:14:54 > 0:14:58You really forget that you and the dwarfs are all regular folk.
0:14:58 > 0:14:59You do.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01And it really comes home to you, because, of course,
0:15:01 > 0:15:03when you are surrounded just by each other all the time,
0:15:03 > 0:15:06you forget that your characters are meant to be really small,
0:15:06 > 0:15:08and so, when we come...
0:15:08 > 0:15:10it will be in film two, in Laketown, the world of men...
0:15:10 > 0:15:11Hello.
0:15:11 > 0:15:13LAUGHTER
0:15:13 > 0:15:15- You know, where you go most weekends.- Tuesday nights.
0:15:15 > 0:15:17Is that like my version of DFS?
0:15:17 > 0:15:19LAUGHTER
0:15:19 > 0:15:23"Come to the world of men. Sale now on."
0:15:23 > 0:15:25GRAHAM GIGGLES
0:15:25 > 0:15:29Yeah, suddenly, all our scale doubles come out to play...
0:15:29 > 0:15:33So, all of us have a smaller person playing us, and so,
0:15:33 > 0:15:37you suddenly realise that next to regular sized people,
0:15:37 > 0:15:39we are really small.
0:15:39 > 0:15:42In the sequences, you know, the dinners and stuff,
0:15:42 > 0:15:45- where different sized people are all together...- Yes.
0:15:45 > 0:15:49- They were filmed at the same time? - But in different sets, yeah.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51So, exactly the same time. We would be in this set...
0:15:51 > 0:15:53We'd be in normal Bag End set.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56- You know, my house is called Bag End...- Your house is so nice.
0:15:56 > 0:15:58- It's beautiful.- You could live in that house, couldn't you?
0:15:58 > 0:16:01Peter Jackson has it in his holiday home. I kid you not.
0:16:01 > 0:16:03He has the original one from Lord Of The Rings
0:16:03 > 0:16:07taken down, rebuilt to the last detail, in his holiday home,
0:16:07 > 0:16:10- so guests stay in Bag End. - It looks lovely. Anyway, go on.
0:16:10 > 0:16:13Did you ever find a Teletubby in the back corner,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16- in your living room?- No.
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Because they live in similar little hillocks.
0:16:18 > 0:16:21- They do, actually, that's true. - Smoking a cigarette out the back.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23Really pissed off.
0:16:24 > 0:16:27No, so, we're there, and McKellen is over there
0:16:27 > 0:16:31in a smaller green-screen studio and he's got, you know,
0:16:31 > 0:16:34rows and rows of lighting up tennis balls
0:16:34 > 0:16:36with our character faces on them.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38We've all got earpieces in.
0:16:38 > 0:16:42So, we're speaking, we're imagining looking at McKellen like that,
0:16:42 > 0:16:44he's imagining looking at us down there...
0:16:44 > 0:16:47We can only hear all this stuff via an earpiece,
0:16:47 > 0:16:50and they're filmed by what's called slave motion cameras.
0:16:50 > 0:16:52So, there's two cameras doing exactly the same moves
0:16:52 > 0:16:54all the way through.
0:16:54 > 0:16:56You are able to then render it immediately,
0:16:56 > 0:16:58so that you cross them over and,
0:16:58 > 0:17:00even before you've buggered about with it,
0:17:00 > 0:17:04it looks like he's in the room with us and he's three feet taller.
0:17:04 > 0:17:07- It's incredible.- It sounds very complicated, but actually,
0:17:07 > 0:17:09we have some of the technology to demonstrate.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12So, Dawn, if I give you...
0:17:12 > 0:17:14- your book.- Oh, yes.
0:17:14 > 0:17:18- You could use this as a promotional opportunity.- Ah!
0:17:18 > 0:17:21If you go round the back, we've got a blue screen bit round the back.
0:17:21 > 0:17:25- Do I go that way?- Yes. Take this and follow Nick.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27You need to move down a bit.
0:17:27 > 0:17:29- Right.- Do I move down? - No, you stay there.
0:17:31 > 0:17:35This will take your breath away, ladies and gentlemen.
0:17:35 > 0:17:38You will remember where you were when...
0:17:38 > 0:17:42- Oh, a bit further down, Lee. - Further this way?- Yeah.
0:17:42 > 0:17:44Are you worried that I'm going to get off with a hologram of Dawn?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:49So, we can see Dawn in her blue screen bit.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53There's Dawn with her book. Lovely. Looking nice.
0:17:53 > 0:17:57And now, we'll put Dawn onto the sofa.
0:17:57 > 0:17:58Wow!
0:17:58 > 0:18:01LAUGHTER
0:18:03 > 0:18:06- Love it!- That's incredible!
0:18:06 > 0:18:09Graham, look, I'm taller than somebody for a change!
0:18:09 > 0:18:11I've never been tall in my life!
0:18:11 > 0:18:12Wow!
0:18:12 > 0:18:14What's happened to Dawn?
0:18:14 > 0:18:16LAUGHTER
0:18:16 > 0:18:18I said, "Don't have the pasties!
0:18:19 > 0:18:20Aww, Martin!
0:18:20 > 0:18:25- Dawn, what are you holding there? - I'm holding my book...
0:18:25 > 0:18:27LAUGHTER
0:18:27 > 0:18:30- Gosh, Martin... - Would you like a copy, Martin?
0:18:30 > 0:18:31I'd love a copy, please.
0:18:31 > 0:18:34Why don't you reach for it, Martin? Reach up!
0:18:34 > 0:18:37There we go! Oh, yeah!
0:18:37 > 0:18:40APPLAUSE
0:18:40 > 0:18:42Oh, beautiful. Thanks, Dawn.
0:18:42 > 0:18:45You're welcome, you're so welcome.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47- That incredible.- Isn't it?
0:18:47 > 0:18:50There we go. We'll get Dawn back.
0:18:50 > 0:18:52I'm going to put that down, for undue prominence.
0:18:52 > 0:18:55How funny would it be if she came back and she was still that big?
0:18:55 > 0:18:58LAUGHTER In some freak television accident...
0:18:58 > 0:19:01Oh, here she comes, the clever, beautiful Dawn.
0:19:01 > 0:19:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Back to normal size.- You are.
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Lovely.- Can I get closer to Dawn? - Yes, you can.- Hello, hello.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- Hello.- Hello. Hello, hello.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13You've basically recreated
0:19:13 > 0:19:17what it took us years and millions of pounds to do. Thanks.
0:19:17 > 0:19:21It looks better in the film, but that did look quite good. It did.
0:19:21 > 0:19:24- Beautifully done, Dawn.- Thank you. - Well acted.- Thank you so much.
0:19:24 > 0:19:27But, acting be gone, Dawn has caught the writing bug, haven't you?
0:19:27 > 0:19:30- I have, seriously.- This is your second novel?- Yes, it is.
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- And was this easier, do you think, than the first?- No, harder, I think.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37Harder, because I didn't know, really,
0:19:37 > 0:19:39what was required of me in the first novel.
0:19:39 > 0:19:43You know, I'm a baby writer, I don't really know how to do this,
0:19:43 > 0:19:45I just knew that I wanted to tell a story.
0:19:45 > 0:19:48In the first one, I knew the kind of story that I wanted to tell,
0:19:48 > 0:19:50but this one has got to be better than that one.
0:19:50 > 0:19:53But the first one went incredibly well and sold like hot cakes.
0:19:53 > 0:19:54This one, Oh, Dear Silvia...
0:19:54 > 0:19:56It sounds like I'm describing...
0:19:56 > 0:19:59You know, every Harry Potter film, people are going,
0:19:59 > 0:20:01- "Oh, it's darker than the last film..."- Yes.
0:20:01 > 0:20:03- But this is darker than the last book.- Yes. Yes, it is.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07Well, it's not entirely dark. There are comedy characters in it,
0:20:07 > 0:20:10but the premise is quite dark,
0:20:10 > 0:20:13in as much as the person at the centre of the book is in a coma.
0:20:13 > 0:20:15Ha ha ha!
0:20:15 > 0:20:17LAUGHTER
0:20:17 > 0:20:20There's a kind of mystery at the centre of it, a secret,
0:20:20 > 0:20:22a very big secret.
0:20:22 > 0:20:25And so, I've decided that all the characters
0:20:25 > 0:20:29would come into the room and they would tell their stories to her.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31So, we find out all about who she is
0:20:31 > 0:20:33via all the different people in her family
0:20:33 > 0:20:34and her friends that come in.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37So, you kind of fill it in a bit like a jigsaw puzzle
0:20:37 > 0:20:40and hopefully, if I've done it right, you're thinking,
0:20:40 > 0:20:42"Oh, if only the daughter knew that," and,
0:20:42 > 0:20:45"Oh, no, she shouldn't have done that, if she knew that..."
0:20:45 > 0:20:48and everything is revealed as it kind of goes on.
0:20:48 > 0:20:52- As you say, there are funny bits. The sister is funny...- Yeah, yeah.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55She's got a crazy sister who's into alternative medicines
0:20:55 > 0:20:58and any kind of therapies to wake her up.
0:20:58 > 0:21:00She feels like it's her duty to wake her up,
0:21:00 > 0:21:03so she brings in animals and does an animal therapy session in there
0:21:03 > 0:21:07with a Chihuahua and a stick insect, and she...
0:21:07 > 0:21:11You know, she brings in a stripper and she thinks that, surely,
0:21:11 > 0:21:15that would wake her up at the pertinent moment.
0:21:15 > 0:21:19So, inside a coma suite in a hospital, there is a stripper.
0:21:19 > 0:21:22I shouldn't have said that, cos you only find that out in the book...
0:21:22 > 0:21:24But I can't help it, you're all my best friends.
0:21:24 > 0:21:27LAUGHTER
0:21:27 > 0:21:31I imagined you down in Cornwall, sort of lady novelist,
0:21:31 > 0:21:33maybe some friends over for lunch or cream tea
0:21:33 > 0:21:36and then half an hour of writing, you know, before bed.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39But no, it's a full day...
0:21:39 > 0:21:41I do kind of office hours. I do.
0:21:41 > 0:21:45I have a walk with my dog in the morning and then I settle down to it
0:21:45 > 0:21:47and I do it all the way through till lunchtime,
0:21:47 > 0:21:49then I watch rubbish TV at lunchtime
0:21:49 > 0:21:52and then I work through until about six or seven in the evening.
0:21:52 > 0:21:55- Wow!- But honestly, it's not a chore, because I absolutely love it.
0:21:55 > 0:21:58Lee, when you were writing the autobiography,
0:21:58 > 0:22:01were you very disciplined? Or did you sort of do it on the run?
0:22:01 > 0:22:03I just... No, I was very disciplined,
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- because I foolishly thought I could write it in eight weeks.- Ah.
0:22:06 > 0:22:08I said to Rob Brydon, "I've been asked to do my autobiography.
0:22:08 > 0:22:10"I'm going to do it in eight weeks."
0:22:10 > 0:22:12- And he laughed like I was an idiot.- Yeah.
0:22:12 > 0:22:15And I said to someone the other day, "It takes longer than you think."
0:22:15 > 0:22:19And they went, "No, it takes longer than YOU think. We all know."
0:22:19 > 0:22:21"We all know how long it takes. You're the idiot."
0:22:21 > 0:22:23- Did you do it in eight weeks? - No.- Oh, no.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25- I finished it about eight or nine months later.- Yeah.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28The problem is, I couldn't finish it, because every time you finish it,
0:22:28 > 0:22:31you're a day more of your life, so I would write about that day,
0:22:31 > 0:22:34and then the next day happened and every day I was thinking,
0:22:34 > 0:22:36"Maybe this is the day I drop dead,"
0:22:36 > 0:22:37and I won't have to write this any more.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39You can't end the thing, can you?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41- I've got it, in fact. - Oh, have you got it?
0:22:41 > 0:22:44Do you want me to go next door and hand it down in giant size?
0:22:44 > 0:22:48Look, in a regular size. But the cover arrived before the book...?
0:22:48 > 0:22:50Yeah, they send the cover and ask you if you're happy with it.
0:22:50 > 0:22:52I wanted to see what it would look like on a book,
0:22:52 > 0:22:54but the book hadn't been printed,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56so I put it on a book that I had at home,
0:22:56 > 0:22:59and the only one that fitted was the Hannibal Lecter book.
0:22:59 > 0:23:01LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:04And then I forgot to take it off, so it's been sitting on my shelf,
0:23:04 > 0:23:06and I always think the babysitters and stuff
0:23:06 > 0:23:09have been having a look round and are looking through, going,
0:23:09 > 0:23:10"He's had a life, this one."
0:23:10 > 0:23:13LAUGHTER "Good God!"
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- "Mum, pick me up."- "I'm frightened!"
0:23:17 > 0:23:20"He said he's going to drive me home. I don't want to be driven home.
0:23:20 > 0:23:22"He ate the last babysitter's face."
0:23:22 > 0:23:24LAUGHTER
0:23:24 > 0:23:25- Hate that.- So, Mack: The Life.
0:23:25 > 0:23:28Now, there are some bits of your life that I was expecting.
0:23:28 > 0:23:31You know, being a funny kid, the early jobs, all of that...
0:23:31 > 0:23:34- But the sex change, that shocked you, right?- I know!
0:23:34 > 0:23:36But also, your obsession with the Queen,
0:23:36 > 0:23:39that you seem to have lived most of your life wanting to meet the Queen.
0:23:39 > 0:23:43Well, when I was quite young, I saw the Royal Variety Show
0:23:43 > 0:23:45and the comedian that was on had met the Queen,
0:23:45 > 0:23:48so I assumed that that meant that you must be really funny
0:23:48 > 0:23:50to meet the Queen.
0:23:50 > 0:23:52She says, "He's funny enough to meet me,"
0:23:52 > 0:23:54- I thought that was how it worked. - Command you to be funny.
0:23:54 > 0:23:56Yes, in the Royal Command Performance.
0:23:56 > 0:23:57They literally command you.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00So, I had it in the back of my head that I should meet the Queen one day,
0:24:00 > 0:24:03and then I can say that I've finally made it as a comedian.
0:24:03 > 0:24:05But I got to do the Royal Variety Show three times,
0:24:05 > 0:24:07and it was never...never the Queen.
0:24:07 > 0:24:09It was always Charles.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13- Charles. You know, I like Charles... - Yeah.- But, on the third visit...
0:24:13 > 0:24:16It didn't help, though, because I was very drunk on one of them and,
0:24:16 > 0:24:18if you go on near the beginning,
0:24:18 > 0:24:20you've got, like, three hours before the line-up,
0:24:20 > 0:24:23so I got really drunk and Camilla came up and said,
0:24:23 > 0:24:25"How come you gentlemen are so funny?"
0:24:25 > 0:24:27And because I was drunk, I went, "We're on drugs!"
0:24:27 > 0:24:29LAUGHTER
0:24:29 > 0:24:31You could see that look in her eye. I was like a little kid
0:24:31 > 0:24:33who'd just farted in front of their auntie to show off.
0:24:33 > 0:24:35She was like, "You idiot."
0:24:35 > 0:24:37You did get to meet her, though.
0:24:37 > 0:24:39Finally, this year.
0:24:39 > 0:24:41It genuinely was true that at the end of the...
0:24:41 > 0:24:43I was trying to think of a way of ending the book
0:24:43 > 0:24:45and I'd mentioned wanting to meet the Queen in the book and,
0:24:45 > 0:24:47literally as I was trying to finish it, I got a phone call
0:24:47 > 0:24:50to ask if I could host the Jubilee concert this year and I thought,
0:24:50 > 0:24:53"This will be great, I get to meet the Queen."
0:24:53 > 0:24:54And there was so much pressure...
0:24:54 > 0:24:56We were all nervous about doing the gig,
0:24:56 > 0:24:59but I was more nervous about ending my book,
0:24:59 > 0:25:02so I had to meet the Queen, and I had to get the photo.
0:25:02 > 0:25:05And so, she came, and they chucked out everybody that wasn't...
0:25:05 > 0:25:06It was such a small room,
0:25:06 > 0:25:09so the person who was going to take the photo couldn't take it.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12She said, "I'm being thrown out, it's just you lot who were in the show,"
0:25:12 > 0:25:15so she hands on the camera and I see Alfie Boe, the opera singer,
0:25:15 > 0:25:17and I go, "Alfie, mate, don't mess this up.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21"There's the camera. You've got to get this shot."
0:25:21 > 0:25:23I think, if you have a look at the shot,
0:25:23 > 0:25:25it's not exactly what you'd call...
0:25:25 > 0:25:28LAUGHTER
0:25:28 > 0:25:31- Everyone's in it!- Everyone's in it.
0:25:31 > 0:25:32I'll tell you what...
0:25:32 > 0:25:36- I recognise that bloke!- Do you recognise the bloke?- I recognise him.
0:25:36 > 0:25:38I was going to change the whole story.
0:25:38 > 0:25:39I didn't want to meet the Queen,
0:25:39 > 0:25:41I always wanted to meet Kylie Minogue and Lenny Henry...
0:25:41 > 0:25:43I thought, "Then it might work."
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Bless him. I didn't give him much warning.
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I said, "Press that button and hope for the best," and he did.
0:25:48 > 0:25:50And did she talk to you at all, or you just met her?
0:25:50 > 0:25:53She was great, actually. She did this thing with Gary Barlow and Kylie...
0:25:53 > 0:25:56It was their job to show her around everybody
0:25:56 > 0:25:58and I think Kylie didn't know who I was, and panicked,
0:25:58 > 0:26:01and just backed off, because she didn't want to introduce me...
0:26:01 > 0:26:03And so, the Queen was left stranded on her own,
0:26:03 > 0:26:06making polite conversation, and I saw the Queen looking around,
0:26:06 > 0:26:08"Usually, I'm dragged away at this point,
0:26:08 > 0:26:09"but no-one is coming to get me."
0:26:09 > 0:26:12So, I said, "Are you staying at the Premier Inn with Lenny?"
0:26:12 > 0:26:14And she said, "No..."
0:26:14 > 0:26:17LAUGHTER
0:26:17 > 0:26:20- And you met William as well, didn't you?- I met William, yeah.
0:26:20 > 0:26:22That was interesting, because he was really nice.
0:26:22 > 0:26:24He came up and he said...
0:26:24 > 0:26:26You get to go to the Palace afterwards,
0:26:26 > 0:26:30and his opening line to me was, "You need to get some new jokes."
0:26:30 > 0:26:32LAUGHTER
0:26:32 > 0:26:35And I went, "Listen, I don't tell you how to be the future King."
0:26:35 > 0:26:36And he laughed and went, "I'm only joking.
0:26:36 > 0:26:39"I'm a big fan of Not Going Out," my sitcom, and I was so excited
0:26:39 > 0:26:41and I was just about to talk to him
0:26:41 > 0:26:43and then Cheryl Cole started talking to him
0:26:43 > 0:26:45and he was far more interested in her and I had to wander off.
0:26:45 > 0:26:48If I ever see that woman... Oh, she's coming on, isn't she?
0:26:48 > 0:26:50LAUGHTER
0:26:50 > 0:26:52Because, Martin, you met Prince William this week.
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- I met him last night.- Yes!
0:26:54 > 0:26:56- He was very nice.- Two nights ago.
0:26:56 > 0:26:58I met him two nights ago!
0:26:58 > 0:27:00LAUGHTER
0:27:00 > 0:27:03Oh, look at you! You've got Brylcreem in your hair or something!
0:27:03 > 0:27:06It looks like you've done that thing you did with Dawn, that's incredible.
0:27:06 > 0:27:08LAUGHTER
0:27:08 > 0:27:11And that's my Amanda behind me. Look, that's Amanda.
0:27:11 > 0:27:14- Was that pre or post? - That was pre.- OK.
0:27:14 > 0:27:16What, pre-op?
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- Pre seeing the film. - No, that was pre.
0:27:19 > 0:27:22It was cool, it was good. I realised that...
0:27:22 > 0:27:25Because I think a lot of people, myself included,
0:27:25 > 0:27:29have that thing of...you know, Are you going to bow?
0:27:29 > 0:27:31- Are you going to do that thing? - Did he?
0:27:31 > 0:27:33LAUGHTER
0:27:33 > 0:27:35No, he didn't. He kind of raised himself up.
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Not in a sexual way...
0:27:36 > 0:27:38LAUGHTER
0:27:38 > 0:27:41But... You have that slight thing of thinking,
0:27:41 > 0:27:43"Well, I'm not strictly a monarchist," you know,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45"but I wouldn't hurt anyone..."
0:27:45 > 0:27:47LAUGHTER
0:27:47 > 0:27:50Was this your opening line to him? "Oh, I wouldn't hurt you."
0:27:50 > 0:27:53I'm a bit annoyed about what you do and what your ancestors have done...
0:27:53 > 0:27:57I'm just not sure that we should be paying for you, but...
0:27:57 > 0:27:58but he's a nice guy.
0:27:58 > 0:28:00You wouldn't be rude, you're well brought up.
0:28:00 > 0:28:02- Did you bow in the end?- I curtsied.
0:28:02 > 0:28:04LAUGHTER
0:28:04 > 0:28:07- I've met a monarch. I've met one. - Have you?
0:28:07 > 0:28:09- Yeah, I met the Queen Mother when I was four.- Aww!
0:28:09 > 0:28:11- Yeah. Oh, God, yeah.- Oh, yeah?
0:28:11 > 0:28:13- She, like, so came to our house for tea.- No, she didn't!
0:28:13 > 0:28:16- I saw that.- She, like, so did.
0:28:16 > 0:28:18Wait a minute. Why did she come to your house?
0:28:18 > 0:28:21I think it was that she was visiting the RAF station where we were.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23My dad was in the RAF.
0:28:23 > 0:28:25She'd been to the posh end, the officers end,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28and I think we were judged to be a safe, sort of oiky family
0:28:28 > 0:28:30that she could come and see.
0:28:30 > 0:28:33And my mum got new teacups and everything, I got new shoes...
0:28:33 > 0:28:36- I has to curtseying for weeks. Weeks!- Was it very exciting?
0:28:36 > 0:28:38But it was the Queen Mother, obviously.
0:28:38 > 0:28:41I was a bit upset that she didn't have a crown, no unicorns...
0:28:41 > 0:28:43LAUGHTER
0:28:43 > 0:28:45And also, I don't know what was going on at that time,
0:28:45 > 0:28:48but she came up the path, and she smiled, and she had brown teeth.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50- Yeah.- So I thought she was a witch...
0:28:50 > 0:28:52LAUGHTER
0:28:52 > 0:28:54..and I didn't want her in my house at all.
0:28:54 > 0:28:55And I just hid, onto my dad's leg.
0:28:55 > 0:28:58Just grabbed onto my dad's leg and didn't move.
0:28:58 > 0:29:00But what I think is nice about people seeing you guys on the couch
0:29:00 > 0:29:05is that everyone, no matter where you end up, you do start somewhere.
0:29:05 > 0:29:08- Dawn, you worked in the hotel business.- Yeah, I was a chambermaid.
0:29:08 > 0:29:13I used to be a chambermaid in the holidays in Salcombe in Devon.
0:29:13 > 0:29:17Yeah, I loved it. I loved the mischief of it, actually.
0:29:17 > 0:29:20I loved the chambermaid's rule
0:29:20 > 0:29:22that you knock and enter straight away.
0:29:22 > 0:29:24"Chambermaid!", in.
0:29:24 > 0:29:26LAUGHTER
0:29:26 > 0:29:28Oh, you catch people doing all sorts of things.
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Once, I went into a room, "Chambermaid!" Enter.
0:29:31 > 0:29:33And a man was doing press-ups behind the sofa
0:29:33 > 0:29:36and I had a long chat with him about the day, the weather,
0:29:36 > 0:29:37blah blah blah,
0:29:37 > 0:29:40and then I realised he wasn't actually doing press-ups at all.
0:29:40 > 0:29:42There was somebody else there.
0:29:42 > 0:29:45LAUGHTER
0:29:45 > 0:29:47And I can state clearly here,
0:29:47 > 0:29:51I have not ever cleaned someone's toilet with their toothbrush.
0:29:51 > 0:29:52No, I have not.
0:29:54 > 0:29:57I have not ever taken a picture of my own arse with their camera.
0:29:57 > 0:29:58No, I have not.
0:29:58 > 0:30:00LAUGHTER
0:30:00 > 0:30:02- When you were not cleaning a toilet with the toothbrush...- Yeah.
0:30:02 > 0:30:05When you were not doing that, why weren't you doing that?
0:30:05 > 0:30:08Well, because there really wasn't a really awful man
0:30:08 > 0:30:10who made passes at all of us all of the time.
0:30:10 > 0:30:14So, I decided not to do that to him.
0:30:14 > 0:30:16Why didn't you take a picture of your arse?
0:30:16 > 0:30:18For the same sort of reason?
0:30:18 > 0:30:20No, that was just sheer fun.
0:30:20 > 0:30:22You know, when you had to send your pictures off
0:30:22 > 0:30:23and get them back from Boots?
0:30:23 > 0:30:26And the people are well gone by then, come on!
0:30:26 > 0:30:30Good fun, and they'll never know whose arse.... Till now.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33LAUGHTER
0:30:33 > 0:30:35Right, everyone, shall we have some music?
0:30:35 > 0:30:37CHEERING
0:30:37 > 0:30:38Oh, yeah.
0:30:38 > 0:30:42My final guests tonight are the best-selling British girl group
0:30:42 > 0:30:43of the century.
0:30:43 > 0:30:46Performing their classic hit Love Machine, it is Girls Aloud!
0:30:46 > 0:30:51CHEERING
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Oh, let's go!
0:31:02 > 0:31:04# Ladies, you're damn right
0:31:04 > 0:31:06# You can't read that man's mind
0:31:06 > 0:31:08# We're living in two tribes
0:31:08 > 0:31:10# And heading for war
0:31:10 > 0:31:12# But nobody's perfect
0:31:12 > 0:31:14# We all gotta work it
0:31:14 > 0:31:16# But fellas, we're worth it
0:31:16 > 0:31:18# So don't break the law
0:31:18 > 0:31:20# Your call's late, big mistake
0:31:20 > 0:31:22# You've gotta hang about in limbo for as long as I take
0:31:22 > 0:31:24# Next time, read my mind
0:31:24 > 0:31:26# And I'll be good to you
0:31:26 > 0:31:28# We're gift-wrapped kitty cats
0:31:28 > 0:31:31# We're only turning into tigers when we gotta fight back
0:31:31 > 0:31:33# Let's go, Eskimo
0:31:33 > 0:31:34# Out into the blue
0:31:34 > 0:31:38# Come take my hand, understand that you can
0:31:38 > 0:31:43# You're my man and I need you tonight
0:31:43 > 0:31:44# Come make my dreams
0:31:44 > 0:31:46# Honey, hard as it seems
0:31:46 > 0:31:51# Loving me is as easy as pie
0:31:51 > 0:31:53# I'm just a love machine
0:31:53 > 0:31:56# Feeding my fantasy
0:31:56 > 0:31:59# Give me a kiss or three
0:31:59 > 0:32:00# And I'm fine
0:32:00 > 0:32:02# I need a squeeze a day
0:32:02 > 0:32:04# Instead of this negligee
0:32:04 > 0:32:07# What will the neighbours say
0:32:07 > 0:32:08# This time?
0:32:08 > 0:32:12# I've been going crazy while you sleep
0:32:12 > 0:32:16# I've been searching for a language that the two of us can speak
0:32:16 > 0:32:20# So Mr Prehistoric, make your wheel
0:32:20 > 0:32:24# And I'll breathe underwater cos I like the way it feels
0:32:24 > 0:32:26# Your call's late, what a big mistake
0:32:26 > 0:32:29# You better hang about in limbo for as long as I take
0:32:29 > 0:32:31# Next time, read my mind
0:32:31 > 0:32:32# And I'll be good to you
0:32:32 > 0:32:34# We're gift-wrapped kitty cats
0:32:34 > 0:32:37# We're only turning into tigers when we gotta fight back
0:32:37 > 0:32:39# Let's go, Eskimo
0:32:39 > 0:32:41# Out into the blue
0:32:41 > 0:32:44# Come take my hand, understand that you can
0:32:44 > 0:32:49# You're my man and I need you tonight
0:32:49 > 0:32:51# Come make my dreams
0:32:51 > 0:32:53# Honey, hard as it seems
0:32:53 > 0:32:58# Loving me is as easy as pie... #
0:32:58 > 0:33:01CHEERING
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Are you ready, girls?
0:33:14 > 0:33:16# I'm just a love machine
0:33:16 > 0:33:18# Feeding my fantasy
0:33:18 > 0:33:21# Give me a kiss or three
0:33:21 > 0:33:22# And I'm fine
0:33:22 > 0:33:24# I need a squeeze a day
0:33:24 > 0:33:26# Instead of this negligee
0:33:26 > 0:33:29# What will the neighbours say
0:33:29 > 0:33:31# This time?
0:33:31 > 0:33:34# Oh, it's very new
0:33:34 > 0:33:39# Can anybody tell me what to do?
0:33:39 > 0:33:43# Oh, this feeling's very strange
0:33:43 > 0:33:48# Can anybody tell me what's your game, game, game?
0:33:48 > 0:33:49# Oh, a little education
0:33:49 > 0:33:51# Oh, to give you motivation
0:33:51 > 0:33:54# Oh, we'll turn the situation
0:33:54 > 0:33:56# Round
0:33:56 > 0:33:58# Oh, cos I don't want to change you
0:33:58 > 0:34:00# Oh, making you a stranger
0:34:00 > 0:34:03# Oh, I'll only rearrange you
0:34:03 > 0:34:04# For now
0:34:04 > 0:34:06# I'm just a love machine
0:34:06 > 0:34:08# Oh, to give you motivation
0:34:08 > 0:34:10# I'm just a love machine
0:34:10 > 0:34:12# Oh, oh
0:34:12 > 0:34:14# I'm just a love machine
0:34:14 > 0:34:16# Oh, to give you motivation
0:34:16 > 0:34:18# I'm just a love machine
0:34:18 > 0:34:20# Oh, oh
0:34:20 > 0:34:23# I'm just a love machine. #
0:34:23 > 0:34:25CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:25 > 0:34:27- Thank you.- Thank you.- Thank you.
0:34:30 > 0:34:33Girls Aloud, everybody! Come and join me, ladies.
0:34:35 > 0:34:36Pile on in.
0:34:37 > 0:34:41You all right there? Let me help you up. There you go. Hello.
0:34:41 > 0:34:44Hello, in you go.
0:34:44 > 0:34:47Hello. Hello.
0:34:47 > 0:34:48Hello. In you go.
0:34:48 > 0:34:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:53 > 0:34:56You pile down. You're in here, you're in here.
0:34:58 > 0:35:02OK. OK, so you come down there.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04There, there, there. Room.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09Sorry you're in economy. Sorry about that
0:35:11 > 0:35:13They're flying steerage.
0:35:13 > 0:35:15I love that song, and I loved that performance!
0:35:15 > 0:35:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:35:20 > 0:35:22No, it was full-on, it was great.
0:35:22 > 0:35:24And that, of course, is on the album Girls Aloud Ten,
0:35:24 > 0:35:28Greatest Hits plus four new tracks, in shops now.
0:35:28 > 0:35:30- Yes.- Yes, it is!
0:35:32 > 0:35:33So, it is unbelievable.
0:35:33 > 0:35:36Ten years have passed since we first saw you.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Where have the ten years gone, seriously?
0:35:38 > 0:35:40When you find out, let me know.
0:35:40 > 0:35:43- Three years since you did anything together...- Yes.
0:35:43 > 0:35:46So, who made this happen? Who picked up the phone? Who spoke first?
0:35:46 > 0:35:49- To be honest...- It was one of those things. We always knew...
0:35:49 > 0:35:51I mean, it's ten years. We started ten years ago...
0:35:51 > 0:35:54I always forget what you sound like, Nadine, it's fabulous.
0:35:54 > 0:35:55LAUGHTER
0:35:55 > 0:35:57Graham, just remind yourself,
0:35:57 > 0:36:00it's a Derry accent you're looking for.
0:36:00 > 0:36:02- CHEERING - I know!
0:36:02 > 0:36:04I was watching America's Next Top Model and you were in it.
0:36:04 > 0:36:06- Subtitles throughout. - Could you believe it?!
0:36:06 > 0:36:09- LAUGHTER - I've never...
0:36:09 > 0:36:11Back to the ten years, Graham.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14So, three years away, somebody must have said something to somebody.
0:36:14 > 0:36:17It was a natural thing, because ten years...
0:36:17 > 0:36:20I mean, three years was too long to take off.
0:36:20 > 0:36:21Can we have subtitles again?
0:36:21 > 0:36:23LAUGHTER
0:36:23 > 0:36:27I needed subtitles for the pair of them we first met. Seriously.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29I've been saying that for years.
0:36:29 > 0:36:31So, it was always going to happen?
0:36:31 > 0:36:33Yes, we knew we were going to get back together.
0:36:33 > 0:36:35We always knew we were taking a break.
0:36:35 > 0:36:37It just went on a little bit longer than we thought.
0:36:37 > 0:36:42And then it was ten years. It feels like a natural...a celebratory time.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45You know, a decade in music, so it just feels like a natural time.
0:36:45 > 0:36:49- I suppose... Are you the only one who has written a book, Cheryl?- Yes.
0:36:49 > 0:36:51LEE: No, I've written a book as well.
0:36:51 > 0:36:53LAUGHTER
0:36:53 > 0:36:54Her book... Her book's massive!
0:36:54 > 0:36:56LAUGHTER
0:36:56 > 0:36:59- And did everyone read Cheryl's book?- No.
0:36:59 > 0:37:02LAUGHTER
0:37:02 > 0:37:03Not one of them, not one of them.
0:37:03 > 0:37:05- We are definitely going to.- Don't.
0:37:05 > 0:37:08- If you want this to happen, don't. - They don't need to, they were there.
0:37:08 > 0:37:10The past ten years of it, at least.
0:37:10 > 0:37:13I know, but I still want to read it. LAUGHTER
0:37:13 > 0:37:15- Really want to read it, yeah. - I haven't had time to read it.
0:37:15 > 0:37:20Whatever. This one hasn't had time, she's been too busy cha-cha-cha-ing.
0:37:20 > 0:37:23Now, you're all friends. Are you all voting for Kimberley?
0:37:23 > 0:37:25ALL: Yes. Of course.
0:37:25 > 0:37:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:37:30 > 0:37:33They've been so amazing. They've been so encouraging.
0:37:33 > 0:37:35When I'm getting tired, they're like,
0:37:35 > 0:37:38"Uh-uh-uh, get back to the studio and get cha-cha-cha-ing..."
0:37:38 > 0:37:40Well, let's have a look at you in action.
0:37:40 > 0:37:42I mean, that was your forte, wasn't it?
0:37:42 > 0:37:45- Four tens.- I know, that was amazing. - That is amazing.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49And it seems crazy that you're promoting this album and...
0:37:49 > 0:37:51Did you book this in first?
0:37:51 > 0:37:54It has turned into a bit of a crazy time,
0:37:54 > 0:37:56but everything that I'm doing is so amazing
0:37:56 > 0:37:58that it just keeps me going.
0:37:58 > 0:38:00We literally, last week, were rehearsing for a gig
0:38:00 > 0:38:01we did at the weekend.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03We haven't done anything...
0:38:03 > 0:38:05like, five songs in a row, for three years.
0:38:05 > 0:38:08She was taking ten minutes and going and dancing with Pasha
0:38:08 > 0:38:10- in a different studio. - Wow.- It's crazy.
0:38:10 > 0:38:12And she's doing her own record.
0:38:12 > 0:38:16- It is a busy time. - So, this one's on it at the moment.
0:38:16 > 0:38:17So, let's talk about next year.
0:38:17 > 0:38:20So, there's a tour that, rather handily for you,
0:38:20 > 0:38:22starts in Newcastle in February.
0:38:22 > 0:38:24Oh, we love being in Newcastle, it's such a good crowd.
0:38:24 > 0:38:28And then it finishes in Liverpool. Handy for you, Nicola, that's great.
0:38:28 > 0:38:31It's going to be a full-on party from start to end.
0:38:31 > 0:38:33Cheap cab home. That'll be nice, lovely.
0:38:33 > 0:38:35LAUGHTER
0:38:35 > 0:38:37- Cheryl's busy doing X Factor again...- Yeah.
0:38:37 > 0:38:40CHEERING
0:38:40 > 0:38:41- Are you really doing it again?- No.
0:38:41 > 0:38:43LAUGHTER
0:38:43 > 0:38:47Damn, I thought we had a scoop! I thought, "That was really easy."
0:38:47 > 0:38:48You know what, as well?
0:38:48 > 0:38:51It's a good job somebody mentioned that today to me,
0:38:51 > 0:38:52because I get caught out.
0:38:52 > 0:38:54I never read half the crap that's written,
0:38:54 > 0:38:58so when I hear things, sometimes I'm like, "What?"
0:38:58 > 0:39:00No, I'm definitely not doing UK X Factor next year.
0:39:00 > 0:39:02- Definitely not?- Definitely not.
0:39:02 > 0:39:04Till you see her doing it...
0:39:04 > 0:39:06LAUGHTER
0:39:06 > 0:39:08Now, we're very excited you're back and, of course,
0:39:08 > 0:39:10all of your fans are very excited.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14CHEERING
0:39:14 > 0:39:17Actually, I wonder if the girl in these pictures...
0:39:17 > 0:39:19I love... These pictures were in the paper during the week.
0:39:19 > 0:39:23I wonder if she's here. This girl...
0:39:23 > 0:39:26- Oh, no.- Do you know her? She looks like Cherie Blair.
0:39:26 > 0:39:28LAUGHTER
0:39:28 > 0:39:31So, there she is. Now, you think she's excited there.
0:39:31 > 0:39:33Wait until you see her in the next one.
0:39:33 > 0:39:34LAUGHTER
0:39:39 > 0:39:41Let's see the next one.
0:39:41 > 0:39:43LAUGHTER
0:39:43 > 0:39:46- And she's thrilled to see you, Cheryl.- I don't know...
0:39:46 > 0:39:48I can't figure out whether it's thrilled to see me or, like,
0:39:48 > 0:39:51"Oh, my God! That's what she looks like in real life!"
0:39:51 > 0:39:55But she's very excited. Even before you arrived, she is very excited.
0:39:55 > 0:39:57Look at this one.
0:39:57 > 0:39:59LAUGHTER
0:40:02 > 0:40:04- You didn't notice her doing that in front of you?- Not at all.
0:40:04 > 0:40:07- It looks like she wants to eat somebody.- Is she here?
0:40:07 > 0:40:11It'd be great if she was here, you cut to her, and she was just like...
0:40:11 > 0:40:13"I'm like this all the time, you idiot."
0:40:14 > 0:40:16"It's my natural expression."
0:40:16 > 0:40:19Well, listen, good luck with the album, good luck with the tour,
0:40:19 > 0:40:21and thank you so much for that performance.
0:40:21 > 0:40:23CHEERING
0:40:24 > 0:40:28Before I release my sofa stars into the night,
0:40:28 > 0:40:31it's time for a story or two in the Big Red Chair.
0:40:31 > 0:40:33So, who's up first? Oh, look at them, going, "Yes!"
0:40:33 > 0:40:35Sorry, I was so excited.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38- Hello.- Hello!- Wow.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40It's like to dress-up Friday.
0:40:40 > 0:40:41LAUGHTER
0:40:41 > 0:40:45- What do you do?- I'm an IT manager. - OK, and what's your name?- William.
0:40:45 > 0:40:47- All right. Where are you from, William?- Canada, Montreal.
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Oh, he's from Montreal!
0:40:49 > 0:40:51Wow! Just when you thought IT couldn't get any more boring,
0:40:51 > 0:40:53he's Canadian. LAUGHTER
0:40:57 > 0:40:58And do you live here now?
0:40:58 > 0:41:00- Yes, I do. I live in Watford. - Oh, excellent.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02It can get more boring!
0:41:02 > 0:41:04LAUGHTER
0:41:04 > 0:41:07What a lovely location you've chosen.
0:41:07 > 0:41:09All right, off you go with your story.
0:41:09 > 0:41:12OK, I travelled across the country for work
0:41:12 > 0:41:15and I ended up starting to date the lady
0:41:15 > 0:41:17that lived below me in the flat,
0:41:17 > 0:41:20and she asked if I could spend Christmas dinner
0:41:20 > 0:41:21to meet her parents.
0:41:21 > 0:41:25So, I sat down and there were four generations around this big...
0:41:25 > 0:41:28CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:41:28 > 0:41:30Ruthless! Ruthless!
0:41:33 > 0:41:36Oh! I didn't know you had all that ink on your back!
0:41:36 > 0:41:39- Didn't you?- No! - It's not finished, either.
0:41:39 > 0:41:41- Oh, are you going to colour it in?- Yeah.
0:41:41 > 0:41:44- Lovely.- Colour by numbers.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46- Oh, is it a map of Middle Earth?- Yes.
0:41:46 > 0:41:48LAUGHTER
0:41:48 > 0:41:49Right, one more, one more. OK.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51- Hello!- Hello!- Hi.
0:41:51 > 0:41:54- What's your name, sir?- Tim. - NADINE:- I saw him earlier on.
0:41:54 > 0:41:55You saw him earlier?
0:41:55 > 0:41:58I saw him. I asked him to put my mic pack on. Was it you?
0:41:58 > 0:42:01- Tim, did Nadine ask you to put her mic pack on?- No.
0:42:01 > 0:42:03LAUGHTER
0:42:03 > 0:42:05You have a twin running around somewhere, Tim,
0:42:05 > 0:42:07a twin running around here.
0:42:07 > 0:42:09- A twin Tim? - I think that's what she said.
0:42:09 > 0:42:11LAUGHTER
0:42:11 > 0:42:12I think you need to ask him,
0:42:12 > 0:42:14- NORTHERN IRISH ACCENT: - "How are you?"
0:42:14 > 0:42:16LAUGHTER
0:42:16 > 0:42:18- Now, where you from, Tim? - Dudley, West Midlands.
0:42:18 > 0:42:21CHEERING
0:42:21 > 0:42:23And what do you do in Dudley?
0:42:23 > 0:42:26I was a dental nurse, but I'm now down this end
0:42:26 > 0:42:30doing voluntary youth work at the Salvation Army.
0:42:30 > 0:42:32Good for you. Very good.
0:42:32 > 0:42:35CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:42:37 > 0:42:39Tim, delight us with your tale.
0:42:39 > 0:42:42Well, I went on holiday with my family in Devon
0:42:42 > 0:42:44and I went to get some food.
0:42:44 > 0:42:46I got some battered sausage and chips...
0:42:46 > 0:42:48LAUGHTER
0:42:48 > 0:42:50..and I went back to the caravan, I sat down...
0:42:50 > 0:42:52LAUGHTER
0:42:52 > 0:42:54..opened my battered sausage and chips
0:42:54 > 0:42:58and then two old biddies, 80-year-olds,
0:42:58 > 0:43:02come in and I thought, "I'm in the wrong caravan,"
0:43:02 > 0:43:05but they were naked. They were full-on naked.
0:43:05 > 0:43:07I ran back to my caravan with my battered sausage.
0:43:07 > 0:43:09I didn't know what to do.
0:43:09 > 0:43:10LAUGHTER
0:43:10 > 0:43:13I said to my mum and dad that they were naked
0:43:13 > 0:43:14and they didn't believe me.
0:43:14 > 0:43:16They looked outside, saw them naked,
0:43:16 > 0:43:18looked at the next caravan, they were naked...
0:43:18 > 0:43:21We were at a nudist camp, and I didn't know what to do.
0:43:21 > 0:43:23LAUGHTER
0:43:23 > 0:43:25I have not looked at an old woman the same.
0:43:25 > 0:43:27You can walk, Tim. Go on, you can walk.
0:43:27 > 0:43:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:30 > 0:43:32So sweet!
0:43:33 > 0:43:34Well done, everyone.
0:43:34 > 0:43:37If you would like to have a go on that red chair, you can.
0:43:37 > 0:43:39Just contact us via our website at this very address.
0:43:39 > 0:43:42Ladies and gentlemen, please thank my guests tonight, Girls Aloud...
0:43:42 > 0:43:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:44 > 0:43:46- ..Lee Mack... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:46 > 0:43:49- ..Dawn French... - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:49 > 0:43:51- ..and Mr Martin Freeman. - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:53 > 0:43:54Join me next week, with Dawn's other half,
0:43:54 > 0:43:57Ab Fab Queen, Jennifer Saunders,
0:43:57 > 0:43:58Hollywood star Dustin Hoffman,
0:43:58 > 0:44:00legendary comedian Billy Connolly
0:44:00 > 0:44:02and Doctor Who himself, Matt Smith.
0:44:02 > 0:44:05I'll see you then. Goodbye, everybody, goodbye.
0:44:05 > 0:44:06CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:44:27 > 0:44:30Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd