0:00:02 > 0:00:06This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:06 > 0:00:10There's been talk about austerity, but it won't stop us turning on our spectacular Christmas illuminations!
0:00:10 > 0:00:13- Here we go. - ALL:- Three, two, one, go!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15CHEERING
0:00:15 > 0:00:18"DECK THE HALLS" JINGLE PLAYS AND FADES
0:00:28 > 0:00:29Let's start the show!
0:00:46 > 0:00:49- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Oh! Woo.
0:00:49 > 0:00:50Oh! Oh!
0:00:50 > 0:00:52Oh!
0:00:53 > 0:00:54Good evening!
0:00:56 > 0:00:57Oh!
0:00:57 > 0:01:00Woo! It stinks, it stinks.
0:01:00 > 0:01:04Welcome, everybody. Aw, Christmas.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07I know, it seems to get earlier every year, doesn't it?
0:01:07 > 0:01:10It really does, yeah. Uh-huh.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11LAUGHTER
0:01:11 > 0:01:14We've got a cracker of a show for you tonight.
0:01:14 > 0:01:17Film star extraordinaire Dustin Hoffman is here, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:17 > 0:01:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Yeah, yeah!
0:01:21 > 0:01:25Legendary Scottish comedian Billy Connolly is here.
0:01:25 > 0:01:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:28 > 0:01:31Ab Fab star Jennifer Saunders is here!
0:01:31 > 0:01:33CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:35 > 0:01:37And joining us later, it's not Christmas without him,
0:01:37 > 0:01:40Doctor Who himself, Matt Smith is here.
0:01:40 > 0:01:42CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:42 > 0:01:43I know!
0:01:45 > 0:01:50Plus - yes, plus - we've got music from the wonderful Amy MacDonald, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:50 > 0:01:51Yes, we do.
0:01:51 > 0:01:52CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:52 > 0:01:54Now...
0:01:54 > 0:01:58I am so excited to have Jennifer Saunders back on the show.
0:01:58 > 0:02:00What has she done?
0:02:00 > 0:02:03She's only written the new Spice Girls musical, Viva Forever!
0:02:03 > 0:02:05- CHEERING - Yes.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08Now, here are the actual Spice Girls launching the show.
0:02:08 > 0:02:11Aw, there they are. Pretending to like one another.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12LAUGHTER
0:02:12 > 0:02:15No, isn't it great, though, that after all the cat fights
0:02:15 > 0:02:19and the bad blood, that something can bring them back together again?
0:02:19 > 0:02:21LAUGHTER
0:02:23 > 0:02:26Do you know what's weird, ladies and gentlemen? Very strange.
0:02:26 > 0:02:31A lot of the Spice Girls' lyrics have actually come true. They have.
0:02:31 > 0:02:35You know, like, "When two become one". Mm-hmm.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38"If you want to be my lover". Mm-hmm.
0:02:38 > 0:02:40And "Stop right now, thank you very much".
0:02:40 > 0:02:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:02:45 > 0:02:46"Zig-zig-ugh"!
0:02:46 > 0:02:48LAUGHTER
0:02:48 > 0:02:50So, it's so nice to have Dustin as a guest again.
0:02:50 > 0:02:54Now, of course, Dustin's breakthrough was in The Graduate. The Graduate.
0:02:54 > 0:02:58That was a graduate back then. This is a graduate nowadays.
0:02:58 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:04"Two minutes for the fries, Mrs Robinson!"
0:03:04 > 0:03:09Now, Dustin and Billy Connolly have just worked together on a new film, Quartet.
0:03:09 > 0:03:12The film is all about four elderly opera singers.
0:03:12 > 0:03:15Of course, everyone has to grow old and pass away,
0:03:15 > 0:03:19but it's especially sad when it's a much-loved opera star.
0:03:19 > 0:03:22I remember when they cremated Pavarotti.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24LAUGHTER
0:03:27 > 0:03:30That was the saddest two weeks of my life, ladies and gentlemen.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32LAUGHTER
0:03:34 > 0:03:38You do sometimes wonder how singers will turn out as they get older.
0:03:38 > 0:03:41I mean, for instance, here's Madonna in her prime. Yeah.
0:03:41 > 0:03:44And here's what she'll look like in a few years' time.
0:03:44 > 0:03:45LAUGHTER
0:03:45 > 0:03:47Lets get some guests on!
0:03:47 > 0:03:48CHEERING
0:03:48 > 0:03:52Later, we will be chatting to Matt Smith.
0:03:52 > 0:03:54But first, she's here to spice up my sofa,
0:03:54 > 0:03:56it is Jennifer Saunders!
0:03:56 > 0:03:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:03:58 > 0:04:01- Oh!- Am I coming here?
0:04:01 > 0:04:02A Christmas greeting!
0:04:02 > 0:04:05- I know.- Hello, darling.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08- Merry Christmas.- Merry Christmas to you.- Sit down.- Thank you.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Jennifer Saunders, everybody.
0:04:11 > 0:04:14Let's have a wee chat with the Big Yin, it's Billy Connolly!
0:04:14 > 0:04:17CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:17 > 0:04:21Hello, sir. You're very welcome. Have a seat.
0:04:23 > 0:04:27And it's time to meet the Focker, it's Dustin Hoffman!
0:04:27 > 0:04:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:31 > 0:04:33Hello, sir. Very good to see you.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39Sit, sit, sit.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Am I the only one with alcohol?
0:04:42 > 0:04:44Meeting, greeting. Lovely.
0:04:44 > 0:04:47I just noticed your shoes. They're fantastic, Billy.
0:04:47 > 0:04:48Yeah.
0:04:48 > 0:04:50LAUGHTER
0:04:50 > 0:04:52- They're like two little sporrans on your feet.- They're nice!
0:04:52 > 0:04:56Yeah, my wife bought me a pair of shoes and they had spikes on them.
0:04:56 > 0:04:59They were very violent-looking things.
0:04:59 > 0:05:02And I hated them and I took them back and changed them for these.
0:05:02 > 0:05:06- Can I take one off and show the audience?- They're jolly.
0:05:06 > 0:05:07Oh, oh, it's off!
0:05:08 > 0:05:11LAUGHTER
0:05:11 > 0:05:13- Lovely. - Is there a barber in the house?
0:05:13 > 0:05:14LAUGHTER
0:05:14 > 0:05:18Now, Christmas connections with all our guests. Dustin's first...
0:05:18 > 0:05:22I think your first-ever acting job was in - or role, at least -
0:05:22 > 0:05:24- was in A Christmas Carol, wasn't it?- Yes, yes.
0:05:24 > 0:05:27I had no designs to be an actor,
0:05:27 > 0:05:30and particularly after I did the show. They went around...
0:05:30 > 0:05:32I was in junior high school.
0:05:32 > 0:05:36They went around looking for the shortest kid in the entire school
0:05:36 > 0:05:38to play Tiny Tim.
0:05:38 > 0:05:40I knew nothing about it.
0:05:40 > 0:05:44There was a ninth-grader, a guy who was like my big brother,
0:05:44 > 0:05:49and we were backstage just before I went on.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51And Tiny Tim has the last line of the play.
0:05:51 > 0:05:55He climbs up on the table with his crutch and he says,
0:05:55 > 0:05:56"God bless us all, every one!"
0:05:56 > 0:05:59And the guy who I wanted to impress so much said to me,
0:05:59 > 0:06:03"I dare you to say 'God bless us, every one, God dammit!' "
0:06:03 > 0:06:05LAUGHTER
0:06:05 > 0:06:06I did.
0:06:06 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:06:08 > 0:06:11- And did it go down a storm? - Yes, I was suspended from school.
0:06:11 > 0:06:13LAUGHTER
0:06:13 > 0:06:16That was weird when you did that, Tiny Tim gets up on stage.
0:06:16 > 0:06:20I thought you were going to do that farting noise.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23"Merry Christmas, everyone! Pffffft!"
0:06:23 > 0:06:26And a very exciting Christmas for Jennifer Saunders,
0:06:26 > 0:06:28cos you have a granddaughter.
0:06:28 > 0:06:30- Son!- Son...
0:06:30 > 0:06:33AUDIENCE: Ooh!
0:06:33 > 0:06:34Who's been doing your research?
0:06:34 > 0:06:37Oh, it's a small child. You're delighted, it's good.
0:06:37 > 0:06:39- LAUGHTER - Yes, I have a grandson!
0:06:41 > 0:06:44He's now "mmm" weeks old.
0:06:44 > 0:06:46I don't know!
0:06:46 > 0:06:50- We've established his sex. What more does he want?- That's enough.
0:06:50 > 0:06:55And presumably, you'll not be buying your grandson a pet for Christmas?
0:06:55 > 0:06:59- Why not?- Well, because you've had bad experiences buying people pets for Christmas.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02Oh, are you talking about that guinea pig and Dawn?
0:07:02 > 0:07:05- Yes!- All right. Well, we had a guinea pig,
0:07:05 > 0:07:08and guinea pigs arrived and it had a baby very quickly.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10And I thought, "What can I do with a baby guinea pig?"
0:07:10 > 0:07:14So we give it to Billie, Dawn's daughter, for Christmas.
0:07:14 > 0:07:20- And put it in a little cage and everything and sent it up, for Christmas.- Mm-hmm.
0:07:20 > 0:07:21Her dog ate it.
0:07:21 > 0:07:23LAUGHTER
0:07:23 > 0:07:28I'm so sorry. That has so lowered the tone. And it's Christmas.
0:07:28 > 0:07:30- And you a grandmother.- I know!
0:07:30 > 0:07:34Those dogs that come up and smell your crotch...
0:07:34 > 0:07:37and the person who owns the dog says,
0:07:37 > 0:07:39"I think it can smell your dog."
0:07:39 > 0:07:41LAUGHTER
0:07:41 > 0:07:44What?
0:07:45 > 0:07:46"I don't have a dog."
0:07:46 > 0:07:50# And they call it puppy love. #
0:07:50 > 0:07:53LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:07:53 > 0:07:54Very good.
0:07:57 > 0:08:00Now... it's Christmas treats all round.
0:08:00 > 0:08:02Doctor Who will be here shortly.
0:08:02 > 0:08:04We're going to be talking about Viva Forever!,
0:08:04 > 0:08:06the Spice Girls musical, as well.
0:08:06 > 0:08:09But, Billy and Dustin, it's no accident you're here together,
0:08:09 > 0:08:11because you've just made this...
0:08:11 > 0:08:17It's a beautiful film. It's funny, it's boo-hoo, it's great. Quartet.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20You star, Billy, Dustin directs.
0:08:20 > 0:08:23Briefly, just tell us the premise of the movie.
0:08:23 > 0:08:27Well, it's taken from a documentary called Tosca's Kiss,
0:08:27 > 0:08:31and Verdi, who was an opera composer, in the last years of his life,
0:08:31 > 0:08:37he built a mansion for himself and he said in his will, stipulated, that when he died,
0:08:37 > 0:08:40he wanted all the opera singers that had once played La Scala,
0:08:40 > 0:08:44any musicians now living on hard times - and that happens frequently -
0:08:44 > 0:08:46to be able to have a place to live.
0:08:46 > 0:08:49And so he donated his mansion to these people,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51and that's what the documentary was about.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55The writer, Ronald Harwood, saw the documentary
0:08:55 > 0:08:58and that gives him the inspiration to write this film.
0:08:58 > 0:09:03So it is retired opera singers and musicians who live in this home,
0:09:03 > 0:09:05which sounds deadly. LAUGHTER
0:09:05 > 0:09:09When you tell people about it... HE SNORES
0:09:09 > 0:09:11They say, "I'll wait for it to come out on video."
0:09:11 > 0:09:14And we as the director and cast were aware of this, and we said,
0:09:14 > 0:09:19"How do we show this to an audience in an entertaining and comic way?"
0:09:19 > 0:09:21And that was the attempt. And that's what we...
0:09:21 > 0:09:26Also, moving, and how can we hold the audience's attention for 90 minutes?
0:09:26 > 0:09:28And, Billy, when you got the call saying,
0:09:28 > 0:09:31"Oh, we're making a film about a retirement home," did you think,
0:09:31 > 0:09:35"Oh, well, I'll be playing a doctor or the son of one of the..."?
0:09:35 > 0:09:37Was it a shock to you to find out that you were...?
0:09:37 > 0:09:39Oh, no, I knew I was going to be playing an old guy.
0:09:39 > 0:09:41LAUGHTER
0:09:41 > 0:09:43And I practised, you know.
0:09:43 > 0:09:47Putting my tongue out when the spoon was only halfway to my face.
0:09:47 > 0:09:50LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:09:54 > 0:09:57He kept saying he was the youngest one on the cast,
0:09:57 > 0:10:00because he wasn't even 70 yet.
0:10:00 > 0:10:03And he bragged about his testosterone level daily.
0:10:04 > 0:10:07The best advice I was ever given about getting older is
0:10:07 > 0:10:09"Never trust a fart."
0:10:09 > 0:10:10LAUGHTER
0:10:14 > 0:10:18As we get older, we learn things. We live and we get older and wiser.
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- And I know, Jennifer, you've learnt a valuable life lesson.- Have I?
0:10:21 > 0:10:24Yes, you've. A valuable life lesson about chewing gum.
0:10:24 > 0:10:26- Oh, no! - LAUGHTER
0:10:26 > 0:10:30It is a bit of a senior moment, too.
0:10:30 > 0:10:31I was...
0:10:32 > 0:10:34I was...
0:10:34 > 0:10:38undressing one night, and realised I couldn't remove my underpants.
0:10:38 > 0:10:40Something had happened.
0:10:40 > 0:10:44And what had happened was - and I knew immediately...
0:10:44 > 0:10:46LAUGHTER
0:10:46 > 0:10:48Thank you.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51..that while I had been on the toilet earlier...
0:10:51 > 0:10:54- Toilet, you were on the toilet? - Toilet, on the toilet.
0:10:54 > 0:10:56I had spat out my gum.
0:10:56 > 0:11:00And I thought I had thrown it into the toilet, but I'd actually...
0:11:00 > 0:11:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:11:04 > 0:11:06Thank you. Yes.
0:11:08 > 0:11:11I had actually thrown it into my underpants.
0:11:11 > 0:11:14Which I then put on and spent the rest of the day in.
0:11:15 > 0:11:19Yes, I had to remove myself with nail scissors. Thank you.
0:11:19 > 0:11:20LAUGHTER
0:11:20 > 0:11:23- Ooh-hoo-hoo-hoo! - It was not nice.
0:11:26 > 0:11:28But that's a senior moment, really, isn't it?
0:11:28 > 0:11:30Listen, going back to the movie,
0:11:30 > 0:11:33it's a really lovely story and phenomenal cast.
0:11:33 > 0:11:38Here's a clip. This is when Maggie Smith, with a past...
0:11:38 > 0:11:40She's the diva.
0:11:40 > 0:11:44- And she's returned to meet these opera singers she knew before.- Yes.
0:11:45 > 0:11:49Oh, Reg, this is the first time we've seen each other
0:11:49 > 0:11:51in God knows how many years.
0:11:51 > 0:11:52'97.
0:11:52 > 0:11:54SHE GASPS Is it really that long?
0:11:54 > 0:11:57God, how time flies.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00Oh, you're joking!
0:12:00 > 0:12:01- BOBBY:- Cissy!
0:12:01 > 0:12:03Bobby, give us a clue, for God's sake.
0:12:03 > 0:12:05Is it a book, a film, a play?
0:12:05 > 0:12:06Cissy.
0:12:06 > 0:12:09The note?
0:12:09 > 0:12:11I couldn't read your writing.
0:12:11 > 0:12:13Meeting, now!
0:12:13 > 0:12:15Oh, God! The emergency meeting!
0:12:15 > 0:12:18- I wonder what that was all about. - Where's Reg? Where's Reg?
0:12:21 > 0:12:22Reg!
0:12:24 > 0:12:27CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:12:32 > 0:12:36Now, in terms of being senior, Billy, you don't seem old, but yet,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39your wife, Pamela, for her latest book, made you write a bucket list?
0:12:39 > 0:12:42The list of things to do before you kick the bucket?
0:12:42 > 0:12:45Yeah, she constantly makes me do things like this.
0:12:45 > 0:12:47What is a bucket list?
0:12:47 > 0:12:49Things you want to do before you're dead.
0:12:49 > 0:12:51- Oh, before you kick the bucket? - Yeah.
0:12:51 > 0:12:54And you seem to be scraping the barrel for things to do,
0:12:54 > 0:12:56cos one of the things, you've already done, haven't you?
0:12:56 > 0:12:58Oh, aye, I pierced my nipples.
0:12:58 > 0:13:01No, I didn't. A guy did it. I didn't...
0:13:01 > 0:13:02LAUGHTER
0:13:02 > 0:13:06I don't have them any more. I took them out for a film - Mrs Brown.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08I had a swimming scene and I had to...
0:13:08 > 0:13:11It was Victorian, and nobody had pierced nipples then.
0:13:11 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:12 > 0:13:16- I couldn't get them back in. - They had a Prince Albert, but not a pierced nipple.
0:13:16 > 0:13:17Do they heal over?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- I was going to get a Prince Albert. - Were you? No!
0:13:20 > 0:13:23Aye, but I couldn't bear the thought of a guy with my willy in his hand!
0:13:23 > 0:13:25LAUGHTER
0:13:25 > 0:13:26Oh-h!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28"Z-z-zzz".
0:13:29 > 0:13:33Oh! But do you want to do parachuting, or is it skydiving?
0:13:33 > 0:13:36Skydiving, cos I've parachuted before.
0:13:36 > 0:13:39I was in the Territorial Parachute Regiment.
0:13:39 > 0:13:41But we didn't do skydiving.
0:13:41 > 0:13:44We just did that static line thing where you hook on.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46- Oh, OK.- Yeah.- But now...
0:13:46 > 0:13:49- So you want to skydive on your birthday?- Yeah, yeah.
0:13:49 > 0:13:52- And are you going to?- Oh, yes. - Well, now, this is weird.
0:13:52 > 0:13:57Because of the recording, this show will go out after you've done it,
0:13:57 > 0:13:59if you see what I mean.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01It's going out after your birthday.
0:14:01 > 0:14:03So you'll have done it by now.
0:14:03 > 0:14:05LAUGHTER
0:14:05 > 0:14:07APPLAUSE
0:14:07 > 0:14:09It's just like some time warp.
0:14:11 > 0:14:13I'm sure it will go really well,
0:14:13 > 0:14:17but just in case, roll it there, please.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19HEAVENLY MUSIC
0:14:19 > 0:14:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:29 > 0:14:33We're covered now, we've covered. Yeah. Actually, funnily enough,
0:14:33 > 0:14:36the only reason people won't see that is if something bad happens!
0:14:36 > 0:14:38LAUGHTER
0:14:38 > 0:14:41But listen, when it comes to bucket lists, I think a lot of people
0:14:41 > 0:14:44might have that they'd love to save someone's life,
0:14:44 > 0:14:46because that would make you feel good.
0:14:46 > 0:14:49Dustin Hoffman, you have done that.
0:14:49 > 0:14:52- Recently, didn't you, you saved someone's life?- So says the media.
0:14:52 > 0:14:53What happened?
0:14:53 > 0:14:59Well, I was just walking in Hyde Park while we were the shooting the film
0:14:59 > 0:15:03and people were jogging, and this young guy jogged past me
0:15:03 > 0:15:07and he suddenly stopped and he stood up and he stood there,
0:15:07 > 0:15:09and he just put his hands on his legs,
0:15:09 > 0:15:12and I thought he was just stretching,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15and suddenly he just went "whomp", right on his face.
0:15:15 > 0:15:16It was quite blooded.
0:15:16 > 0:15:18He was out.
0:15:18 > 0:15:20He had collapsed.
0:15:20 > 0:15:23I looked at him, and he was struggling for breath.
0:15:23 > 0:15:24I just started yelling.
0:15:24 > 0:15:27I said, you know, "Anyone have a phone?
0:15:27 > 0:15:31"What's the equivalent of 911 in this country?"
0:15:31 > 0:15:34- A couple of people came over - what is it, 999?- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:15:34 > 0:15:38They dialled immediately. They got the paramedics,
0:15:38 > 0:15:41and I was saying on the phone, you know, what I had seen.
0:15:41 > 0:15:43They said, "Did he collapse or did he pass out?"
0:15:43 > 0:15:50I said, "No, he collapsed. He's not conscious, he's all bloody.
0:15:50 > 0:15:53"And should I move him? He's having trouble breathing."
0:15:53 > 0:15:57They said, "Just turn him gently so he can breathe."
0:15:57 > 0:16:00So myself and a couple of other people did that, and I must say
0:16:00 > 0:16:04the paramedics were there, it was right across through from Albert Hall,
0:16:04 > 0:16:08and it took only three minutes and the paramedics were there.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10They immediately came over.
0:16:10 > 0:16:12They slit open his shirt.
0:16:12 > 0:16:17They said, "We can't find a carotid pulse," and they defibrillate -
0:16:17 > 0:16:20I can never say that - help me with that. Defibrillated?
0:16:20 > 0:16:21I don't know what it is.
0:16:21 > 0:16:23LAUGHTER
0:16:23 > 0:16:25If they, you know, "Clear!" That thing.
0:16:25 > 0:16:29- Defibul... Defrib-fib, fib-fibrillated.- Yes!
0:16:29 > 0:16:31They're removing the chewing gum from his underwear.
0:16:31 > 0:16:34LAUGHTER
0:16:34 > 0:16:37Was it pubic hair? But no, you don't have to tell me.
0:16:37 > 0:16:39LAUGHTER
0:16:40 > 0:16:43- Didn't need to wax for months, let's say that. - LAUGHTER
0:16:43 > 0:16:49And they had a portable EKG there and they put it on him
0:16:49 > 0:16:52and they started to get a reading.
0:16:52 > 0:16:56- It was one of the most extraordinary things I've ever seen in my life. - Wow.
0:16:56 > 0:16:59They said to me, they said this was not a matter of minutes,
0:16:59 > 0:17:01this was a matter of seconds.
0:17:01 > 0:17:02They were the heroes,
0:17:02 > 0:17:06but as it is with the media, the movie star gets the action.
0:17:06 > 0:17:07And rightly so.
0:17:07 > 0:17:12- Yes, of course.- Well done, Dustin Hoffman. Very good, saving a life. - APPLAUSE
0:17:12 > 0:17:14It's good that people didn't just think,
0:17:14 > 0:17:17"Oh, I guess they're making a film. Let's..."
0:17:17 > 0:17:19- LAUGHTER - "Help, help!"
0:17:19 > 0:17:21"He's very good, isn't he?"
0:17:21 > 0:17:23- "The one on the ground isn't so good." - LAUGHTER
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Now, you look at the audience here, and obviously
0:17:25 > 0:17:29- they're looking forward to Christmas presents, aren't you? - AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:17:29 > 0:17:30- Whatever. - LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:33But what is on their bucket list? You know, what's that thing,
0:17:33 > 0:17:38what's that one amazing thing they want to do before they, you know, check out.
0:17:38 > 0:17:44So where... What does that say? Oh, thank you so much.
0:17:44 > 0:17:47LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:49I wonder if... That does help.
0:17:49 > 0:17:53- Do you not wear glasses?- No, I really should.- You should.
0:17:53 > 0:17:56- No, clearly, that is so much better now.- Thank you.
0:17:56 > 0:17:59So where's Alison? Alison, where's Alison?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00There's Alison.
0:18:00 > 0:18:02Now, bless Alison.
0:18:02 > 0:18:05Her bucket list wish, "Get married."
0:18:05 > 0:18:07AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:18:07 > 0:18:11- And then in brackets, "To anyone." - LAUGHTER
0:18:11 > 0:18:14- Aw! - APPLAUSE
0:18:16 > 0:18:18Oh, no.
0:18:20 > 0:18:22- You- are- married!
0:18:22 > 0:18:23LAUGHTER
0:18:23 > 0:18:26We love a bride with low standards, that's nice.
0:18:26 > 0:18:29Where's Rosie Cook?
0:18:29 > 0:18:30Rosie Cook, there's Rosie.
0:18:30 > 0:18:33Rosie would like to get a tattoo.
0:18:33 > 0:18:37We don't know where she wants it, but she wants a tattoo of a cupcake
0:18:37 > 0:18:40running away from another slightly more sinister cupcake.
0:18:40 > 0:18:42LAUGHTER
0:18:42 > 0:18:45- Are you going to get that done? - Yeah.- Where would you put it?
0:18:45 > 0:18:48Probably somewhere where no-one would see it.
0:18:48 > 0:18:50Maybe you could have a cupcake on one tit...
0:18:50 > 0:18:53- LAUGHTER - ..and a sinister cupcake on the other one.
0:18:53 > 0:18:56- Very good.- That would be good, wouldn't it?
0:18:56 > 0:18:57Yes, revelation.
0:18:57 > 0:18:59I want to know what a sinister cupcake looks like.
0:18:59 > 0:19:01LAUGHTER
0:19:01 > 0:19:02Slightly evil.
0:19:02 > 0:19:03Slightly evil?
0:19:03 > 0:19:06- Yeah.- Yes?
0:19:06 > 0:19:09- Moody icing.- Yeah! In blue.
0:19:09 > 0:19:11Yeah, or lilac, I never trust lilac.
0:19:11 > 0:19:12LAUGHTER
0:19:12 > 0:19:14That's not a food colouring.
0:19:14 > 0:19:18- Where... Is it Galit? Galit?- Galit.
0:19:18 > 0:19:21Galit. Galit, all right, fussy.
0:19:21 > 0:19:22LAUGHTER
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Galit, Galit and this is true, this is true,
0:19:26 > 0:19:30we just asked people to send in what their wish was, Galit says,
0:19:30 > 0:19:35"I would like to receive a kiss from Dustin Hoffman, one of my favourite actors."
0:19:35 > 0:19:36That's true, isn't it?
0:19:36 > 0:19:40LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:19:57 > 0:20:00- Oh! Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:20:02 > 0:20:03She's nervous now.
0:20:03 > 0:20:05LAUGHTER
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Beautiful.
0:20:16 > 0:20:17She's so happy.
0:20:17 > 0:20:19I didn't think people actually did that.
0:20:19 > 0:20:23- There's your glasses, I'll try to do the rest of the show without them. - Yes.
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Right, now, Billy Connolly, Mrs Brown,
0:20:26 > 0:20:29- that was your first big acting break, wasn't it?- Yeah.
0:20:29 > 0:20:31And is it because of that movie that you got invited to have
0:20:31 > 0:20:33dinner with the Queen?
0:20:33 > 0:20:39No, that was because I was friendly with Fergie at the time.
0:20:39 > 0:20:40That dates this story.
0:20:40 > 0:20:42LAUGHTER
0:20:42 > 0:20:45And obviously you have to be on your best behaviour.
0:20:45 > 0:20:47Don't you have a particular trick that you do,
0:20:47 > 0:20:50is it dinner parties you do it or is it buffets?
0:20:50 > 0:20:52- What?- Oh, yeah, the thing.
0:20:52 > 0:20:53It's not a buffet.
0:20:53 > 0:20:55It was a thing myself
0:20:55 > 0:21:00and some actor friends did at Edinburgh Festival many years ago.
0:21:00 > 0:21:03Edinburgh Festival, you're often asked to these buffets
0:21:03 > 0:21:07with the Lord Mayor and people like that. They give you the paper
0:21:07 > 0:21:12plate and those tomatoes and bits and stuff and a plastic fork
0:21:12 > 0:21:15and a drink so you can't do anything with either.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17There's nowhere to put the drink down,
0:21:17 > 0:21:19and your tomatoes keep rolling around.
0:21:19 > 0:21:24- LAUGHTER - It becomes like one of those little things you used to get
0:21:24 > 0:21:26to put ball bearings in Mickey Mouse's eyes.
0:21:26 > 0:21:28LAUGHTER
0:21:28 > 0:21:31So here's what you do if you're ever at one of those buffets.
0:21:31 > 0:21:35It's the best, the only thing you can do is you put your willy on the plate.
0:21:35 > 0:21:39LAUGHTER
0:21:39 > 0:21:41And then you get some salad.
0:21:41 > 0:21:42LAUGHTER
0:21:43 > 0:21:45You put it on the top.
0:21:46 > 0:21:48Don't put dressing on.
0:21:48 > 0:21:50LAUGHTER
0:21:50 > 0:21:53You put... Then you dare each other to go up and...
0:21:53 > 0:21:55Now, you mustn't make a big mountain of it.
0:21:55 > 0:21:56LAUGHTER
0:21:56 > 0:22:00You just do enough so it's like it's something lurking in the long grass.
0:22:00 > 0:22:02LAUGHTER
0:22:02 > 0:22:08And then you just walk along and mingle with people.
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Hello, how do you do?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11LAUGHTER
0:22:11 > 0:22:14APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:22:20 > 0:22:23Then you dare each other to talk, go and talk to the Lord Mayor's wife.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25LAUGHTER
0:22:25 > 0:22:26Talk about salad.
0:22:28 > 0:22:31They do a lovely salad here. Yes.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34LAUGHTER
0:22:34 > 0:22:37You can see the woman going, "I didn't see the sausage rolls."
0:22:37 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:44But beware, because those white plastic forks are very sharp.
0:22:44 > 0:22:45LAUGHTER
0:22:45 > 0:22:48You'll be pissing like a fountain for a week.
0:22:48 > 0:22:51LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:22:55 > 0:22:58You didn't tell the Queen that story, did you?
0:22:58 > 0:23:03Actually, Dustin, was it you and your mum met the Queen?
0:23:03 > 0:23:07I met the Queen, I think it was 1979 for Kramer vs. Kramer.
0:23:07 > 0:23:13My parents were alive, and I brought them to London to go to the premiere.
0:23:13 > 0:23:18We were in a line standing there, and they had a red,
0:23:18 > 0:23:22- I think it was red, you know, those ropes.- Oh, yeah.
0:23:22 > 0:23:26I stand in front of it, Meryl Streep was there and the director
0:23:26 > 0:23:29and other people, and the Queen is going around,
0:23:29 > 0:23:33and the whole time, her aide is whispering in her ear what
0:23:33 > 0:23:38this next person, who it is and what they've done. They prompt her.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41You know, then she asks questions, and it keeps getting closer
0:23:41 > 0:23:45and closer, and as they're coming around, my mother is saying to me,
0:23:45 > 0:23:51she was a very short woman, 4' 10", and she was standing behind the rope
0:23:51 > 0:23:54and she kept saying, "I want to get in front, I want to meet her too."
0:23:54 > 0:23:57I said, "Mom, you can't, you can't, you have to stay there," you know.
0:23:57 > 0:24:02And as the Queen approached, it got about two persons away from me,
0:24:02 > 0:24:04she says, "I can't move."
0:24:04 > 0:24:09And I turned, and she had tried to get over the rope.
0:24:09 > 0:24:13And she was halfway, and the rope was stuck midway.
0:24:14 > 0:24:17And she couldn't go forward and she couldn't go back.
0:24:17 > 0:24:20So she's there, and the rope is in her crotch...
0:24:20 > 0:24:25And I said hello to the Queen and I picked my mother up and...
0:24:32 > 0:24:34Now...
0:24:34 > 0:24:38Dustin Hoffman, obviously, debut, your first ever film.
0:24:38 > 0:24:41But not the only person doing something for the first time.
0:24:41 > 0:24:45- Jennifer Saunders, you've written a musical.- I have.
0:24:45 > 0:24:49- Yeah!- Well, I haven't written the music. That was already written.
0:24:49 > 0:24:51- I've just written the book. - This is Viva Forever!,
0:24:51 > 0:24:54currently breaking box office records in the West End.
0:24:54 > 0:24:56- Indeed. - LAUGHTER
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- Yes, it is! - WHOOPING
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Even now it is.
0:25:03 > 0:25:08- It has had the best reviews of any musical ever!- Ever!
0:25:08 > 0:25:11- It's very good.- Is it?
0:25:11 > 0:25:13Is it? Have you seen it?
0:25:13 > 0:25:16- I loved it.- I loved it too.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19- I thought it was amazing(!) - Thank you.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- I loved every second of it(!) - He saw a preview, he loved it.
0:25:23 > 0:25:25But listen, writing a musical, does someone come
0:25:25 > 0:25:28and talk you through it, kind of go every few pages,
0:25:28 > 0:25:32we need a song, happy song here, sad song here?
0:25:32 > 0:25:35No, they just, erm... I just said, "I'd like to do this,"
0:25:35 > 0:25:38because I was a big fan of the Spice Girls,
0:25:38 > 0:25:40my daughters were huge fans,
0:25:40 > 0:25:43and I just thought "I really fancy doing this."
0:25:43 > 0:25:46And what about the Spice Girls?
0:25:46 > 0:25:49- I mean, did they care? - Yes, they really care.
0:25:49 > 0:25:51And that's why I love them, because they really care.
0:25:51 > 0:25:54This was a really wonderful time in their life
0:25:54 > 0:25:56and a really fun time in their life.
0:25:56 > 0:25:59I think the first people we had in where Emma and Mel C.
0:25:59 > 0:26:03- They're the easy ones. - They're the easy ones!
0:26:03 > 0:26:07They came and sat in and they would get emotional about certain songs
0:26:07 > 0:26:10and go, "Oh I loved that song when they did that,"
0:26:10 > 0:26:13and, "I remember where we were when we sang that song."
0:26:13 > 0:26:15It was a lovely experience.
0:26:15 > 0:26:20And what about the more "ooh-ooh!" Spice Girls? Like Geri, was she very involved?
0:26:20 > 0:26:22When you say "ooh-ooh"...
0:26:22 > 0:26:26- Well, she is a bit Billy-bonkers, isn't she?- She is not Billy-bonkers.
0:26:26 > 0:26:29I've been at a party, and she ate meat out of her handbag.
0:26:30 > 0:26:34- She ate meat out of her handbag? - Yes.
0:26:34 > 0:26:35It could have been a buffet affair!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41She had probably been somewhere earlier!
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Delicious!
0:26:49 > 0:26:50But she's full-on, Geri, isn't she?
0:26:50 > 0:26:53She's full-on, and I kind of like that about her,
0:26:53 > 0:26:55because she hasn't changed a bit.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58- She was always full-on.- Oh, yeah!
0:26:58 > 0:27:01And she came up with some great ideas for the treatment,
0:27:01 > 0:27:04and I was a bit sensitive about...
0:27:04 > 0:27:06It's a story about four girls in a group.
0:27:06 > 0:27:10- But not them, not the Spice Girls. - It's not the Spice Girls, no.
0:27:10 > 0:27:15And I thought, I don't want to say "They fall out, and one of them doesn't get on"...
0:27:15 > 0:27:19And I said, "I wonder if they should fall out?" She went, "Yes!
0:27:19 > 0:27:22"They should fall out. Yes, it's got to have all that in it."
0:27:22 > 0:27:26She was really keen that it had all that element of kind of female...
0:27:26 > 0:27:28Cos you met them years ago, didn't you?
0:27:28 > 0:27:31I met them before they were even famous.
0:27:31 > 0:27:34I met them... Me and Dawn were sitting in a restaurant in Barnes,
0:27:34 > 0:27:37and there was a recording studio opposite,
0:27:37 > 0:27:40and these five girls came in.
0:27:40 > 0:27:44Looking like, just five little girls, all with braided hair
0:27:44 > 0:27:48and kind of... They were still jumping about even then.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51And they came over and went, "Oh, my God, French and Saunders!"
0:27:51 > 0:27:54And we went, "Yeah, yeah."
0:27:54 > 0:27:58And they said, "We're over there recording, we're going to be the next big girl group."
0:27:58 > 0:27:59We went...please!
0:28:01 > 0:28:05"Of course you are. Of course you are(!)
0:28:05 > 0:28:07"What are you called?
0:28:07 > 0:28:11"The Spice Girls? Of course you are. You're going to be huge."
0:28:15 > 0:28:19And then suddenly, they were on the TV, and you thought, "Durr!"
0:28:21 > 0:28:24- Well, French and Saunders got good mileage out of them. - Oh, plenty mileage.
0:28:24 > 0:28:26Here you are in the Sugar Lumps.
0:28:26 > 0:28:29That's you as full-on Geri...
0:28:29 > 0:28:33Slightly scary Geri, I'd say that was. Scary Geri.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37- And Dawn is very good as Posh Spice. - She's very good as Posh Spice.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40She made the mirror image of Posh Spice, I'd say.
0:28:42 > 0:28:44- And Kathy as Sporty Spice. - Kathy as Sporty.
0:28:44 > 0:28:47- Very lovely.- Lulu as Baby,
0:28:47 > 0:28:50and Llewella Gideon as Scary.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Viva Forever! is playing now
0:28:52 > 0:28:55and forever at the Piccadilly Theatre in London's West End.
0:28:55 > 0:28:59And very exciting - here's a little taster of what to expect.
0:28:59 > 0:29:00# Colours of the world Spice up your life
0:29:00 > 0:29:03# Every boy and every girl Spice up your life
0:29:03 > 0:29:05# People of the world Spice up your life
0:29:05 > 0:29:06# Aaaaaaah
0:29:06 > 0:29:08# Slam it to the left if you're having a good time
0:29:08 > 0:29:10# Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine
0:29:10 > 0:29:14- # Chicas to the front - Hah Hah- Go round
0:29:14 > 0:29:16# Slam it to the left if you're having a good time
0:29:16 > 0:29:18# Shake it to the right if you know that you feel fine
0:29:18 > 0:29:20- # Chicas to the front - Hah Hah
0:29:20 > 0:29:23# Hi-C-Ya Hold tight! #
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- CHEERING - Very good.
0:29:26 > 0:29:30- Excellent.- Come on, Billy. You've seen it, you loved it.
0:29:30 > 0:29:32Oh, yes!
0:29:34 > 0:29:37Excellent. Right, it is time for our next guest.
0:29:37 > 0:29:41Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without Santa Claus, Imodium and Doctor Who.
0:29:41 > 0:29:45Please welcome Matt Smith, everybody!
0:29:45 > 0:29:46WHOOPING
0:29:51 > 0:29:53MATT: Look, it's Mr Hoffman!
0:29:53 > 0:29:56It's a pleasure to meet you. Billy, how are you?
0:29:56 > 0:29:59- Jennifer Saunders...- Hello!
0:29:59 > 0:30:01Perch up there. Lovely.
0:30:01 > 0:30:04- Wow.- Oh! How are you? - WOMAN:- I love you, Matt!
0:30:04 > 0:30:06I love you too!
0:30:06 > 0:30:09- I bet he's on a bucket list or two, isn't he?- Yes!
0:30:11 > 0:30:14Do you have a partner? You've got a lot of old people looking at you now going,
0:30:14 > 0:30:17"Have you got a partner?"
0:30:18 > 0:30:21I feel like I'm in sex therapy or something!
0:30:21 > 0:30:23We've been here a long time.
0:30:25 > 0:30:27We've had a drink, yeah...
0:30:27 > 0:30:30We've had a drink, we've been waiting for you.
0:30:30 > 0:30:33- They closed the M4.- No!
0:30:33 > 0:30:35I'm sorry I was late.
0:30:35 > 0:30:37So listen, Doctor Who.
0:30:37 > 0:30:41- I don't see enough of you, but it's always nice to know that I will see you on Christmas Day.- Yeah.
0:30:41 > 0:30:45So, tell us, this year, what madcap,
0:30:45 > 0:30:48slightly disturbing adventure are you on?
0:30:48 > 0:30:50Well, as always, I can't tell you anything.
0:30:50 > 0:30:53This is the tragedy of the show, you can't actually promote it.
0:30:53 > 0:30:55- You can tell us a bit.- Yes.
0:30:55 > 0:30:57So there is a new companion...
0:30:57 > 0:31:00- Are you in it?- Yes, I'm in it. I play The Doctor.
0:31:00 > 0:31:04- Why have you never been in it? - Well, no-one's ever asked me.- Lies!
0:31:04 > 0:31:07Where's my agent?
0:31:07 > 0:31:10There was a rumour you were going to BE The Doctor, wasn't there?
0:31:10 > 0:31:13I started that rumour, probably!
0:31:13 > 0:31:16But, Billy, they did seriously... did they ask you to be Doctor Who?
0:31:16 > 0:31:19No. It was in the newspapers, but it wasn't true.
0:31:19 > 0:31:20Were you ever that young?
0:31:23 > 0:31:27- So you've got a new companion. - Yes. Jenna-Louise Coleman. She's doing marvellously well.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31But this is the first time she's properly your assistant, in the Christmas episode.
0:31:31 > 0:31:33- Yes.- We've met her already.
0:31:33 > 0:31:37- We've met her before, when she was a Dalek and then... - She was a Dalek?!- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:31:37 > 0:31:39- DUSTIN: A what? - (A Dalek.)
0:31:39 > 0:31:42A Dalek is the great enemy in the show, it's a sort of big evil...
0:31:42 > 0:31:45It's a great warrior that can't walk up stairs.
0:31:45 > 0:31:49- No, but they've fixed that now, Billy.- Yeah.- Really?
0:31:49 > 0:31:53They can go upstairs now. Seriously, they can.
0:31:53 > 0:31:55- Don't they, like, fly? - Yeah, they do a little hover thing.
0:31:55 > 0:31:57So they CAN get upstairs.
0:31:57 > 0:31:58They can sleep upstairs.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00Now I'm really scared(!)
0:32:01 > 0:32:05Going upstairs will not save you, Billy.
0:32:05 > 0:32:09- So, what are the villains this time, who are they?- I can't say, sorry.
0:32:09 > 0:32:11- Are they lizards or something? - Are they secret lizardy people?
0:32:11 > 0:32:15They are, they're secret lizardy people. No, they're not.
0:32:15 > 0:32:19- Are they aliens, at least? - There are aliens involved. - There are aliens in it.
0:32:19 > 0:32:22I'm sorry to be so cryptic, but they said don't say this, don't say that.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25- Is it in colour? - It's in colour.- Lovely.
0:32:25 > 0:32:29I'll tell you what, here's a taster of what to expect on Christmas Day.
0:32:29 > 0:32:31Thought it was a secret!
0:32:37 > 0:32:39Don't worry. No-one's going to hurt you.
0:32:39 > 0:32:44- What is that thing?- Silence, boy! - That's Strax. He's easily confused.
0:32:44 > 0:32:48Silence, girl! Sorry, lad.
0:32:48 > 0:32:50Sontaran. Clone warrior race, factory produced,
0:32:50 > 0:32:51whole legions at a time.
0:32:51 > 0:32:54Two genders is a bit further than he can count!
0:32:54 > 0:32:58Sir, do not discuss my reproductive cycle in front of enemy girls.
0:32:58 > 0:33:01- It's embarrassing.- (Typical middle child of six million.)
0:33:01 > 0:33:02- Who are you?- It doesn't matter,
0:33:02 > 0:33:05because you're about to forget that you and I ever met.
0:33:05 > 0:33:07- We'll need the worm.- Sir.
0:33:07 > 0:33:09You'll need the what? The worm, what worm?
0:33:09 > 0:33:12Don't worry, it won't hurt you, but one touch on your bare skin
0:33:12 > 0:33:14and you lose the last hour of your memory.
0:33:16 > 0:33:19- Where is it?- Where's what, sir?
0:33:19 > 0:33:22- I sent you to get the memory worm. - Did you?
0:33:22 > 0:33:23When?
0:33:23 > 0:33:27Who's he? What are we doing here?
0:33:27 > 0:33:29Look - it's been snowing!
0:33:29 > 0:33:34- You didn't use the gauntlets, did you?- Why would I need the gauntlets?
0:33:34 > 0:33:37Do you want me to get the memory worm?
0:33:40 > 0:33:45Oh, my God! Second only to the musical.
0:33:49 > 0:33:54- It's hard to choose, isn't it? - Set that to music, right away!
0:33:54 > 0:33:57Was your partner male or female, by the way?
0:33:57 > 0:34:02- Female.- Don't hesitate over that! You're really supposed to know.
0:34:04 > 0:34:08Because I would give anything if that girl who wanted to kiss me,
0:34:08 > 0:34:11she would come forward and kiss my friend to my right.
0:34:11 > 0:34:13Hey! WHOOPING
0:34:15 > 0:34:18Do you want to kiss him? Yes, she'll kiss you.
0:34:19 > 0:34:22- Thank you, Dustin! - Very nice...
0:34:23 > 0:34:25Feel free...
0:34:25 > 0:34:28In you come. Very nice!
0:34:28 > 0:34:32Hello. Pleasure to meet you, I'm Matt.
0:34:32 > 0:34:33How do we do this?
0:34:35 > 0:34:38- I'll just...- Oh, God.
0:34:40 > 0:34:43My mum's watching! You do my cheek...
0:34:43 > 0:34:46- Oh, cheeks(!)- What, on the lips?!
0:34:46 > 0:34:49No-one can see.
0:34:49 > 0:34:52- Mistletoe!- Oh, beautiful!
0:35:05 > 0:35:08BILLY HOWLS
0:35:08 > 0:35:09No, no. Billy...
0:35:12 > 0:35:16We can't have her back, because people will think she's a slag.
0:35:18 > 0:35:21She can't do the whole couch! And she's here with her husband!
0:35:21 > 0:35:23I'll go for the husband!
0:35:26 > 0:35:28Merry Christmas!
0:35:28 > 0:35:30Merry Christmas, one and all.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36It's been lovely talking to everyone tonight, but now it's time for some music.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38Billy, it's a wee Scottish singer.
0:35:38 > 0:35:42And one of our favourites on the show, fresh from her European tour,
0:35:42 > 0:35:45performing Pride, please welcome Amy Macdonald!
0:35:56 > 0:35:59# I never felt like this before
0:36:00 > 0:36:04# Try to hold it back and I feel it even more
0:36:04 > 0:36:07# Sweat drips down my spine and my knees are weak
0:36:09 > 0:36:11# I cannot move, I cannot speak
0:36:13 > 0:36:17# But then you came and I held it together again
0:36:18 > 0:36:22# I managed to stumble through
0:36:22 > 0:36:26# Fifty thousand voices singing in the rain
0:36:26 > 0:36:30# There's nothing that I wouldn't do
0:36:30 > 0:36:34# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to
0:36:34 > 0:36:38# I'd swim the seven seas
0:36:38 > 0:36:43# I'll be the one to hold your torch again
0:36:43 > 0:36:47# I'll do anything you ask of me
0:36:47 > 0:36:52# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to
0:36:52 > 0:36:55# I'd swim the seven seas
0:36:55 > 0:37:00# I'll be the one to hold your torch again
0:37:00 > 0:37:03# I'll do anything you ask of me
0:37:08 > 0:37:11# I never knew how proud I would feel
0:37:11 > 0:37:15# Just standing in the rain
0:37:16 > 0:37:20# These three words mean everything to me
0:37:20 > 0:37:23# And I'll sing them again and again
0:37:26 > 0:37:31# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to
0:37:31 > 0:37:35# I'd swim the seven seas
0:37:35 > 0:37:40# I'll be the one to hold your torch again
0:37:40 > 0:37:43# I'll do anything you ask of me
0:37:44 > 0:37:48# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to
0:37:48 > 0:37:51# I'd swim the seven seas
0:37:52 > 0:37:57# I'll be the one to hold your torch again
0:37:57 > 0:38:00# I'll do anything you ask of me
0:38:04 > 0:38:08# Well, the blue and the white of the flag shines bright
0:38:08 > 0:38:11# And it's blowing there for me
0:38:12 > 0:38:17# With my hand on my heart The honest truth
0:38:17 > 0:38:20# There's nowhere I'd rather be
0:38:23 > 0:38:28# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to
0:38:28 > 0:38:32# I'd swim the seven seas
0:38:32 > 0:38:36# I'll be the one to hold your torch again
0:38:36 > 0:38:39# I'll do anything you ask of me
0:38:41 > 0:38:45# Cos I'd move mountains if you asked me to
0:38:45 > 0:38:49# I'd swim the seven seas
0:38:49 > 0:38:54# I'll be the one to hold your torch again
0:38:54 > 0:38:57# I'll do anything you ask of me. #
0:39:01 > 0:39:02CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:39:08 > 0:39:10Come over and see us, do.
0:39:10 > 0:39:14Wow!
0:39:14 > 0:39:16Look at those shoes. Amy Macdonald, everybody!
0:39:18 > 0:39:21Look at you. Wow!
0:39:21 > 0:39:25Perch on there, my dear. Greet everybody, greet-greet-greet.
0:39:25 > 0:39:27Hello-ing, hello-ing, hello-ing, hello-ing.
0:39:27 > 0:39:30- Amy.- Nice to meet you.
0:39:30 > 0:39:34Wow. Extraordinary.
0:39:34 > 0:39:37Thank you so much for doing that and being so Christmassy and sparkly.
0:39:37 > 0:39:40- I thought I'd make an effort. - You did, a nice Christmas effort.
0:39:40 > 0:39:42That is Pride,
0:39:42 > 0:39:46the latest single off the album Life In A Beautiful Light,
0:39:46 > 0:39:47which did really well.
0:39:47 > 0:39:52Yeah. I've had a lot of support. Very happy with how it's went.
0:39:52 > 0:39:55- You play my music a lot when you're on the radio.- I do!
0:39:55 > 0:39:57So I'm very happy about that.
0:39:57 > 0:40:01We are one. We are one BBC.
0:40:01 > 0:40:04Now, listen, before we go, we've got to have a story or two
0:40:04 > 0:40:07in the red chair. Christmas red chair.
0:40:07 > 0:40:09So who's up first?
0:40:09 > 0:40:11- Hello.- Hello.- What's your name?
0:40:11 > 0:40:15- Alan.- All right, and where do you live?
0:40:15 > 0:40:17I live in Colliers Wood in London.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19- DUSTIN:- Hollywood? - Colliers Wood.
0:40:23 > 0:40:26Close! "The mansions of Colliers Wood"...
0:40:27 > 0:40:31There is a tour of the stars' homes of Colliers Wood(!)
0:40:31 > 0:40:33Off you go, Alan.
0:40:33 > 0:40:36My story is about how my girlfriend got her nickname.
0:40:36 > 0:40:41Can I just say, I liked that little introduction, it was nice.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43"My story is about..." Very good.
0:40:43 > 0:40:48- So we were travelling about two years ago, and we were in Vietnam.- Vietnam?
0:40:48 > 0:40:51Yes, Ho Chi Minh City, and we got some food off of a stall,
0:40:51 > 0:40:55cos we were cheap and trying to be cultural.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59And we had a few drinks afterwards and went back to our hotel room.
0:40:59 > 0:41:03- Sinead, my girlfriend, wasn't feeling too well.- Mm-hm...
0:41:03 > 0:41:06So I put her into bed and said, "Do you want to stay on the outside
0:41:06 > 0:41:09"just in case you want to go to the bathroom or anything?"
0:41:09 > 0:41:12She said, "No," and she curled up into a ball on the inside of the bed.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15- And I'd obviously had a few drinks as well... BILLY:- Can I do it?
0:41:15 > 0:41:18..so I fell asleep in a naked starfish position.
0:41:18 > 0:41:20Oh, shut the fuck up...
0:41:28 > 0:41:32That was so dull! So dull.
0:41:34 > 0:41:36- Shall we have one more? - AUDIENCE: Yes!
0:41:36 > 0:41:39One more, here we go. OK.
0:41:39 > 0:41:42- Hello, what's your name?- Sam.
0:41:42 > 0:41:45- And where do you live, Sam? - West Hampstead.
0:41:45 > 0:41:47West Hampstead! That is posh.
0:41:47 > 0:41:50Off you go with your story, Sam.
0:41:50 > 0:41:57Well, it wasn't too long ago, I decided it was a nice day to go for a run, so...
0:41:58 > 0:42:02..so I set off on my run round Hyde Park and, er...
0:42:04 > 0:42:10..and I'm halfway round my run and then decided to collapse. And, er,
0:42:10 > 0:42:14very, very lucky to have collapsed right in front of someone,
0:42:14 > 0:42:17and that person I believe is here tonight.
0:42:17 > 0:42:19Is that the guy?!
0:42:19 > 0:42:21APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:23 > 0:42:25Wow!
0:42:27 > 0:42:34I can't flip him. He has a heart condition, we can't flip him.
0:42:34 > 0:42:37- Do you want to come and say hi? - I would love to.- Run in and say hi.
0:42:37 > 0:42:40- Thank you very much. - Hurry, hurry, hurry.
0:42:40 > 0:42:44No, don't run! Don't run. No.
0:42:44 > 0:42:49Walk in a sensible way, don't run!
0:42:49 > 0:42:50Here he is.
0:42:50 > 0:42:53Well done, Sam. Hello, sir.
0:42:53 > 0:42:55Nice to meet you, and there's your hero.
0:42:55 > 0:42:57Hi, Dustin.
0:43:03 > 0:43:06- Are the paramedics here? - They are here somewhere.
0:43:06 > 0:43:09Well done, everybody!
0:43:09 > 0:43:14If you'd like to join us on the show, contact us via our website...
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Thank you so much to my guests tonight -
0:43:16 > 0:43:18Amy Macdonald,
0:43:18 > 0:43:21Jennifer Saunders,
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Billy Connolly,
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Dustin Hoffman,
0:43:26 > 0:43:27Matt Smith,
0:43:27 > 0:43:29the runner Sam...!
0:43:29 > 0:43:32We will see you on New Year's Eve with a host of special guests,
0:43:32 > 0:43:37including the great Billy Crystal, Wolverine star Hugh Jackman,
0:43:37 > 0:43:40and the one and only Mr Tom Cruise!
0:43:40 > 0:43:43Have a very happy Christmas. Good night, everybody. Bye-bye!
0:44:07 > 0:44:09Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd