0:00:02 > 0:00:03CHEERING
0:00:03 > 0:00:04On the show tonight,
0:00:04 > 0:00:08we've got the sexiest French footballer of all time!
0:00:08 > 0:00:10Oops! Let's start the show!
0:00:10 > 0:00:14CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:29 > 0:00:33Oh, hello. Hello, hello.
0:00:33 > 0:00:34HE LAUGHS
0:00:34 > 0:00:40Hello, good evening and welcome one, welcome all. Whoo-hoo, whoo-hoo.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42- AUDIENCE: Whoo! - Yeah, all right, enough whooping.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Hey, we've got a very exciting sofa for you tonight.
0:00:45 > 0:00:48Acting royalty, Sir Kenneth Branagh is here.
0:00:48 > 0:00:52- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - I know! Smell the quality!
0:00:52 > 0:00:54British actress turned Hollywood superstar,
0:00:54 > 0:00:56Keira Knightley is here, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:58 > 0:01:02Hilarious comic Lee Mack is on the show.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:04 > 0:01:10And, and, French footballing legend Thierry Henry will be dropping in.
0:01:10 > 0:01:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:13I know!
0:01:13 > 0:01:16Plus, we've got music from the fabulous Katy B.
0:01:16 > 0:01:17Yes, we do.
0:01:17 > 0:01:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:18 > 0:01:20Very good.
0:01:20 > 0:01:25Oh, do you know, even I am very excited to talk to Thierry Henry.
0:01:25 > 0:01:29Thierry Henry. You know, he's one of France's greatest ever footballers.
0:01:29 > 0:01:32That's him helping to defeat England.
0:01:32 > 0:01:34Now, I'm not saying England are rubbish,
0:01:34 > 0:01:37but this is the last time they beat the French.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40LAUGHTER
0:01:40 > 0:01:44As well as France, Thierry has played for many years at Arsenal.
0:01:44 > 0:01:48Do you know, they've even built a statue of him at the stadium.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50They have. And you think, that's very nice, very flattering.
0:01:50 > 0:01:53And you know, I believe Manchester United have just unveiled
0:01:53 > 0:01:55one of Wayne Rooney.
0:01:55 > 0:01:57LAUGHTER
0:01:57 > 0:02:01Spot on. It's a good likeness, it really is.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03That's a talented artist.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05Hey, delighted to welcome Keira Knightley onto the show.
0:02:05 > 0:02:08The star of so many lavish period films.
0:02:08 > 0:02:09AUDIENCE: Whoo!
0:02:09 > 0:02:13All right, lads. Look. Your man cheering, he was like...
0:02:13 > 0:02:15You don't have a hope!
0:02:15 > 0:02:18LAUGHTER
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Here she is in King Arthur, wielding the famous sword Excalibur.
0:02:22 > 0:02:24HE GROWLS
0:02:24 > 0:02:28Now, King Arthur was shot on location in the West of England.
0:02:28 > 0:02:31You wouldn't believe how rainy it was when they filmed the fight scene. Terrible.
0:02:31 > 0:02:33LAUGHTER
0:02:33 > 0:02:36What a flood. I blame gay marriage.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38LAUGHTER
0:02:38 > 0:02:42APPLAUSE
0:02:48 > 0:02:52Anyway... I loved Keira in Atonement, so romantic.
0:02:52 > 0:02:55Look at her there, gazing wistfully into the middle distance
0:02:55 > 0:02:56surrounded by flowers.
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Of course, not everyone can pull that look off.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01LAUGHTER
0:03:01 > 0:03:05That's Kenneth Branagh as Detective Wallander.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Looks like another case of rape.
0:03:08 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:13There are farmers in! Yay!
0:03:15 > 0:03:17It's a cash crop joke.
0:03:19 > 0:03:21Now, Kenneth's here to talk about his new film
0:03:21 > 0:03:24Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
0:03:24 > 0:03:28where as well as directing, he stars as a Russian baddie.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30Ooh, there he is.
0:03:30 > 0:03:32On the phone, "Yes, Mr Putin,
0:03:32 > 0:03:36- "we'll keep all the gays out of the country, yes." - LAUGHTER
0:03:36 > 0:03:39As the head of the Winter Olympics, Russian Prime Minister Putin
0:03:39 > 0:03:43still continuing his crackdown on gays in Russia. Yeah.
0:03:43 > 0:03:46Here is the completely heterosexual Putin.
0:03:46 > 0:03:49LAUGHTER
0:03:51 > 0:03:54Is someone trying a little hard?
0:03:56 > 0:03:59The only way Putin could look more gay is if that horse
0:03:59 > 0:04:01was a unicorn.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03LAUGHTER
0:04:03 > 0:04:07Let's get some guests on!
0:04:07 > 0:04:11Later on I'll be meeting Thierry Henry, but first,
0:04:11 > 0:04:14the brightest spark on the comedy circuit, it's Lee Mack!
0:04:14 > 0:04:18- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Hello, sir.- Hello, how are you?
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- Welcome, welcome, sit you down. - Thank you. Hello.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24She's the best period actress, full stop.
0:04:24 > 0:04:28- It's Keira Knightley, everybody! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:28 > 0:04:30- Oh, beautiful, beautiful! - Thank you.
0:04:30 > 0:04:34- Lovely to see you. Sit down, Keira Knightley.- Hello.
0:04:34 > 0:04:38And is this a star I see before me? Yes, it's Sir Kenneth Branagh!
0:04:38 > 0:04:41CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:41 > 0:04:46- Hello, sir. Nice to see you.- How are you?- I'm really well.- Thank you.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:49 > 0:04:52Very nice to see you all.
0:04:52 > 0:04:54Luckily, as luck would have it,
0:04:54 > 0:04:58on the day that Thierry Henry is on the show...
0:04:58 > 0:05:01- You do all follow the football, don't you?- Yes, indeed, yes.
0:05:01 > 0:05:04Thierry, of course, legendarily played here for a north London team
0:05:04 > 0:05:09that I'm not a fan of so I respect and admire him from a distance.
0:05:09 > 0:05:12- He'll be sitting there.- Yes, I'm probably going to move over.
0:05:12 > 0:05:15- Are you Tottenham?- Yes.
0:05:15 > 0:05:17CHEERING AND BOOING
0:05:17 > 0:05:21Tell you what, can I just say, let's get this out of our system now.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24Does anyone here support Arsenal? Please God, somebody does.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26- CHEERING - It's been rigged!
0:05:26 > 0:05:29I don't want him to walk on and people just go, "Boo!"
0:05:30 > 0:05:33- What team do you support? - West Ham.
0:05:33 > 0:05:35- CHEERING - Awesome. That's amazing.
0:05:35 > 0:05:37- Is that every West Ham fan in? - Pretty much!
0:05:39 > 0:05:42Let's see how you do with cheering, Lee. Who do you support?
0:05:42 > 0:05:45This is going to take the roof off. Blackburn Rovers.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47MUTED CHEERING
0:05:47 > 0:05:50One bloke. Everyone else thinks it's a place in Middle Earth.
0:05:50 > 0:05:52You will help me out with the footballing chat. Yes. Very good.
0:05:52 > 0:05:56The other exciting thing... The last time you were here,
0:05:56 > 0:06:00you were a mere mortal, now you are "Sir" Kenneth Branagh.
0:06:00 > 0:06:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:06:03 > 0:06:06- Thank you very much. - It's a fabulous thing.
0:06:07 > 0:06:09Yes, it was pretty amazing.
0:06:09 > 0:06:12Obviously you go to Buckingham Palace, it's quite something,
0:06:12 > 0:06:15go through that gate, everybody's standing outside taking pictures.
0:06:15 > 0:06:17But you do get terrified.
0:06:17 > 0:06:19Frankly, you're terrified of stepping on dogs
0:06:19 > 0:06:23- cos those corgis are everywhere. - Is that true?- Yeah.
0:06:23 > 0:06:25I was waiting, there was a long, long corridor
0:06:25 > 0:06:28and the music was playing and suddenly it was hush
0:06:28 > 0:06:30and you knew she was coming, she was coming.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33You could see there were guys in uniform and then before she arrived,
0:06:33 > 0:06:35just four little corgis in advance.
0:06:35 > 0:06:38Slightly nerve-racking when you actually get to do the knighting bit
0:06:38 > 0:06:42because you're terrified of putting your knee on one.
0:06:42 > 0:06:47- That would spoil the day! - I think so.- What did she say to you?
0:06:47 > 0:06:49Do you know, I have no idea.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52You are so nervous, I mean she could have been saying anything.
0:06:52 > 0:06:54She might have said, "I hate your films."
0:06:54 > 0:06:56"Thank you very much."
0:06:56 > 0:07:00"You seem a bit of an idiot." "Absolutely, thank you so much."
0:07:00 > 0:07:03You're mumbling away. You are in a kind of dream.
0:07:03 > 0:07:06- You were doing the nodding? - A lot of nodding.
0:07:06 > 0:07:09Then she very firmly moves you away to let you know...
0:07:09 > 0:07:12She has to, because lots of people are there, completely tongue-tied.
0:07:12 > 0:07:16- What were you doing?- Well... - "Back off, Branagh."
0:07:16 > 0:07:18LAUGHTER
0:07:18 > 0:07:19I did hear that when she said,
0:07:19 > 0:07:23"Easy, tiger! Easy, tiger!" "You, out now!"
0:07:23 > 0:07:25The Queen, I know you were saying she shrugged you away
0:07:25 > 0:07:27but I got told it's the opposite.
0:07:27 > 0:07:29That in normal situations, when she's not doing that,
0:07:29 > 0:07:31she doesn't walk away,
0:07:31 > 0:07:33someone will lead her away to the next person
0:07:33 > 0:07:36and I just don't think she likes you.
0:07:36 > 0:07:39Now I'm thinking that I should have brushed my teeth, you know.
0:07:39 > 0:07:41I've heard that before,
0:07:41 > 0:07:44she shakes your hand and goes sort of like that.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46I did the Jubilee thing.
0:07:46 > 0:07:49We hosted... The comedians did a minute each
0:07:49 > 0:07:52and we all had to go backstage and meet her.
0:07:52 > 0:07:56The thing to do, when she pushes it back, you just push it back again.
0:07:57 > 0:08:01I've never met a Royal in my life. I'm thinking, "Wait a minute!"
0:08:01 > 0:08:05- You've never met any?- No. - Even I've met some!- Have you?- Yes!
0:08:05 > 0:08:08You've met a few queens...
0:08:08 > 0:08:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:08:11 > 0:08:16- Don't clap that. Don't clap that. - Boo! Boo!
0:08:20 > 0:08:24So listen, listen, we must move on, because Keira and Kenneth,
0:08:24 > 0:08:29you come hot foot from your premiere of Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit,
0:08:29 > 0:08:32which I've seen and it's really exciting, a proper thriller.
0:08:32 > 0:08:35- Thanks very much. - It's thrilling. It opens tonight,
0:08:35 > 0:08:39stars both of you and you directed it as well.
0:08:39 > 0:08:42I did direct it, yeah. And I got to play the villain.
0:08:42 > 0:08:46I get to bring Keira Knightley into my wicked plot
0:08:46 > 0:08:49and also to get in the way of Chris Pine,
0:08:49 > 0:08:52so I was very lucky to work with the pair of them. It was great.
0:08:52 > 0:08:55Keira, because Ken's directing this, if you are in a scene with him,
0:08:55 > 0:08:57- how odd is that?- It's quite weird.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00Especially cos he's the baddie and he's a psychotic baddie in it.
0:09:00 > 0:09:02We've got one scene where... Are you trying to kill me?
0:09:02 > 0:09:04I'm not sure what you are trying to do,
0:09:04 > 0:09:07but he's being horrible to me, he's being psychotic
0:09:07 > 0:09:09and we're in the back of a truck
0:09:09 > 0:09:11and I'm tied up like that and he's screaming at me
0:09:11 > 0:09:14and he'd be screaming at me in this Russian accent
0:09:14 > 0:09:17and all of a sudden it will be like, "OK, cut. That was lovely.
0:09:17 > 0:09:19"Thank you so much".
0:09:20 > 0:09:24- I wasn't as camp as that, was I? - You were.
0:09:24 > 0:09:27I thought I was all Russian and butch and I stayed that way.
0:09:27 > 0:09:29You know, movies are often...
0:09:29 > 0:09:31In this kind of story they are about moments.
0:09:31 > 0:09:32You need to get that moment right
0:09:32 > 0:09:35and sometimes the great thing is you can go back and do it again.
0:09:35 > 0:09:38We have an interesting series of scenes
0:09:38 > 0:09:41- while Chris Pine is trying to save the world.- In the restaurant?- Yes.
0:09:41 > 0:09:43That is a white-knuckle ride.
0:09:43 > 0:09:45He is distracted - quelle surprise -
0:09:45 > 0:09:49by this woman and her love of Russian literature,
0:09:49 > 0:09:51which is a winner for the guy that I play.
0:09:51 > 0:09:55And we got to do... We played the scenes as one whole thing
0:09:55 > 0:09:57and did it many times, repeated and improvised a bit.
0:09:57 > 0:10:01And who's not going to love doing that? Thank you very much.
0:10:01 > 0:10:05I'm totally... In sitcom land, you get one or two takes, that's it.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09I'm so jealous. In my show, I go, "Can we do that again because..."
0:10:09 > 0:10:11And they go, "No, we're moving on."
0:10:11 > 0:10:14And I go, "My flies were undone and my cock was out."
0:10:14 > 0:10:17"Fine. We'll just go with it."
0:10:17 > 0:10:18LAUGHTER
0:10:18 > 0:10:21- No-one noticed! - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:10:25 > 0:10:27Zing! Zing! right back at you!
0:10:29 > 0:10:31Listen, we must watch a clip of your movie!
0:10:31 > 0:10:34This is the two of you and you, the baddie,
0:10:34 > 0:10:36have whisked away Keira Knightley
0:10:36 > 0:10:40and Chris Pine is playing Jack Ryan - wants her back!
0:10:40 > 0:10:42HORN BLARES
0:10:42 > 0:10:44MOBILE PHONE RINGS
0:10:46 > 0:10:49- Kathy!- I hope for your sake you have not yet transmitted
0:10:49 > 0:10:51the information you stole from me.
0:10:51 > 0:10:54We haven't started transmitting yet. I still have the stick drive.
0:10:55 > 0:10:57Very good. Very good, Jack.
0:10:57 > 0:10:59Let us hope Kathy and I can believe you.
0:10:59 > 0:11:02If not, I have always found in these situations,
0:11:02 > 0:11:06the sweetest results are achieved by working with loved ones.
0:11:06 > 0:11:10- You know I have what you want. Put her on the phone.- Talk to her.
0:11:10 > 0:11:13- Kathy!- Talk to your fiance.
0:11:13 > 0:11:14Kathy! Talk to me!
0:11:14 > 0:11:17BRAKES SCREECH
0:11:17 > 0:11:18KATHY!
0:11:18 > 0:11:21APPLAUSE
0:11:21 > 0:11:23Oh! Can I just say, even if it's not Chris Pine,
0:11:23 > 0:11:26that is how they drive in Moscow.
0:11:27 > 0:11:29I'm getting to that age where I watch that and I thought,
0:11:29 > 0:11:32"I hope he's fully comprehensive."
0:11:34 > 0:11:36Keira Knightley, you are excellent.
0:11:36 > 0:11:38I'm sorry we had a clip where you didn't talk.
0:11:38 > 0:11:42- Keira does have lines.- It's fine. Only a couple, it's fine.
0:11:42 > 0:11:44- She speaks throughout the film. - In a brilliant American accent.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Yes, very good.
0:11:46 > 0:11:51- Here's the madness, because look at you, so young, so pretty.- Thanks.
0:11:51 > 0:11:56- Keira Knightley has been in the business for...is it 22 years?- Yeah.
0:11:56 > 0:11:59- That's frightening, isn't it? - 22 years!
0:11:59 > 0:12:04- Elaine Paige has only been in it 50! - I'm catching up.- You really are.
0:12:04 > 0:12:06When you watch The Bill...
0:12:06 > 0:12:08I'm sure we watched The Bill all those years ago.
0:12:08 > 0:12:10Did you notice Keira Knightley?
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Oh, yeah. There we go.
0:12:12 > 0:12:15You look exactly the same!
0:12:15 > 0:12:17Do you remember what you did?
0:12:17 > 0:12:19I do. I played Sheena Rose.
0:12:19 > 0:12:22It was still the most exciting character I've ever played
0:12:22 > 0:12:24cos I watched The Bill the whole time
0:12:24 > 0:12:27and I was so cool at school because I was in The Bill.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30Sheena Rose. I stole coins but I found a dead body
0:12:30 > 0:12:32- and was traumatised by it. - Of course.
0:12:32 > 0:12:36- Were you in many episodes?- Just in one. It was great. Loved it.
0:12:36 > 0:12:39- You look good in it.- Thanks.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- Big, green bag.- How old were you?
0:12:41 > 0:12:44Were you 12 when you got the Star Wars movie?
0:12:44 > 0:12:47- Star Wars I was 12, yeah. - That's incredible.
0:12:47 > 0:12:50- We've got you in Star Wars. - Good hairstyle!
0:12:50 > 0:12:53- You played Natalie Portman's double. - Yes.
0:12:53 > 0:12:56I didn't know what I was doing when I got it.
0:12:56 > 0:12:59They just said... Nobody gives you scripts, it's all very secret.
0:12:59 > 0:13:03They kept on shoving me forward and I'd be dressed in exactly
0:13:03 > 0:13:06the same thing she was dressed in, but nobody told me why.
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Actually, when we got...
0:13:08 > 0:13:11Again, I never knew when it was me and when it wasn't.
0:13:11 > 0:13:13Sometimes in the wide shots they would use me instead of her,
0:13:13 > 0:13:16cos she wanted to go home early so I'd come forward.
0:13:16 > 0:13:18Can I ask? I haven't seen this film, I'm so sorry.
0:13:18 > 0:13:21Are you her double, in the fictional world you're playing her double?
0:13:21 > 0:13:24- I don't know.- You were a decoy.
0:13:24 > 0:13:27If people wanted to kill that princess, Natalie Portman...
0:13:27 > 0:13:29- They'd kill me instead.- I don't know much about decoys and stuff,
0:13:29 > 0:13:32but I wouldn't have them stood next to each other.
0:13:32 > 0:13:34That's an assassin's dream.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36"Where is she? I want to shoot her!"
0:13:36 > 0:13:40"You can't miss her, she's stood next to the girl with the white face."
0:13:40 > 0:13:42That's totally backfired.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44But I would have thought, here's the thing,
0:13:44 > 0:13:47you do look incredibly like Natalie Portman.
0:13:47 > 0:13:50You would think that would be the end of your career,
0:13:50 > 0:13:51in that, you know what I mean?
0:13:51 > 0:13:54- We've got one of those already. - Done.
0:13:54 > 0:13:57I guess I grew about two feet taller.
0:13:57 > 0:14:00- Just a stretched version, really. - Then, having been in Star Wars,
0:14:00 > 0:14:04how amazing to then be in the next most successful franchise
0:14:04 > 0:14:07- of all time, Pirates Of The Caribbean.- Yeah.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:14:10 > 0:14:13It looks like you're all just on holiday. Was it properly fun?
0:14:13 > 0:14:15Yeah, it was great.
0:14:15 > 0:14:17You know, I mean, like, sword fighting
0:14:17 > 0:14:20and kind of jumping in water and Orlando Bloom, who is lovely,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23- and Johnny Depp, who's lovely. So... - LAUGHTER
0:14:23 > 0:14:27Great. They painted on my tits as well, which is always quite fun.
0:14:28 > 0:14:32They painted on your tits? Or they painted on...your tits.
0:14:32 > 0:14:35- If you go back... - Was that a scene hand who was bored?
0:14:35 > 0:14:39And went, "All right, love? How are you doing, all right?
0:14:39 > 0:14:40LAUGHTER
0:14:40 > 0:14:43"I always paint on the girls' tits."
0:14:43 > 0:14:45LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:14:46 > 0:14:50- Those are painted? - I mean, they're mine.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52- They're not painted. - They are painted.
0:14:52 > 0:14:56You say they're yours, I think one of them's played by Natalie Portman.
0:14:56 > 0:14:59You're right. We got Natalie Portman's breasts for that.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01She did an excellent job.
0:15:01 > 0:15:02It was 45 minutes every morning
0:15:02 > 0:15:06and they would do shading to give me a cleavage.
0:15:06 > 0:15:10- It took 45 minutes! 45 minutes. - 45 minutes for shading?
0:15:10 > 0:15:14- I've got very little up top. - Do they hoist them up and then paint?
0:15:14 > 0:15:16They hoist them up, shove a lot in there...
0:15:16 > 0:15:20They did as much as they could to get whatever I have up,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23which took quite a lot, then paint in the rest of it.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28I like that Lee is being so incredulous that this happens,
0:15:28 > 0:15:33- because you've had...- Oh, yeah. I have had my tits advanced.
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Here are you, this is all painted on.
0:15:37 > 0:15:41I should point out that the six pack has been painted on,
0:15:41 > 0:15:44but the man-boobs are real. LAUGHTER
0:15:44 > 0:15:46Can I just say that was a comedy sketch,
0:15:46 > 0:15:49that's not just what I used to be like.
0:15:49 > 0:15:52- That isn't you... - That's not how I started out.
0:15:52 > 0:15:55That's not you on your wedding day.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57I didn't fail at the audition for Thor.
0:15:57 > 0:16:02Talking of Thor, Chris Hemsworth, did they paint any of that on?
0:16:02 > 0:16:05- No painting there. - So this is him? This is him?
0:16:05 > 0:16:07CHEERING
0:16:07 > 0:16:11It's funny, when you showed my photo, I got nothing.
0:16:11 > 0:16:14LAUGHTER Absolutely nothing.
0:16:14 > 0:16:17- That's ridiculous!- It is.
0:16:17 > 0:16:19I remember the morning we were going to do that
0:16:19 > 0:16:21and I was slightly embarrassed because we were taking it,
0:16:21 > 0:16:23you know, taking the thing seriously and everything.
0:16:23 > 0:16:25But story-wise it was required to do it,
0:16:25 > 0:16:27but we hadn't discussed what was happening.
0:16:27 > 0:16:30I found myself nervously going up to him and saying,
0:16:30 > 0:16:34you know, "Would you mind getting your shirt off for this?"
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- IN AUSTRALIAN ACCENT: - "Mate, I've been in the gym
0:16:36 > 0:16:39"for nine ...ing months to do this. I'm taking my shirt off!"
0:16:39 > 0:16:42LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:16:43 > 0:16:46Actually, the funniest thing was all the guys.
0:16:46 > 0:16:49The women were just sort of dreamed up when he came on.
0:16:49 > 0:16:52But it was all the guys, you know, holding cameras
0:16:52 > 0:16:54- and sound equipment going... - HE MOUTHS
0:16:58 > 0:17:00Impressive.
0:17:00 > 0:17:02Sorry to be the spanner in the works
0:17:02 > 0:17:05but I would say that's a bit too buff.
0:17:05 > 0:17:08There is a fine line between buff and looking like...
0:17:08 > 0:17:10He's playing Thor!
0:17:10 > 0:17:12He's a fictional god!
0:17:12 > 0:17:16He's a fictional god. He was buff but he wasn't lactating.
0:17:17 > 0:17:19He looks like he's just had a baby.
0:17:19 > 0:17:23I would say that to his face. It just so happens he's not here.
0:17:23 > 0:17:25Do you know what I mean? They can be too big.
0:17:25 > 0:17:27Your breasts, as a man, can be too big.
0:17:27 > 0:17:30I think you could get into that shape. It would suit you very well.
0:17:30 > 0:17:33- I'd like to see it. - APPLAUSE
0:17:40 > 0:17:42What do you mean you'd like to see me get into that shape?
0:17:42 > 0:17:44What's that supposed to mean?
0:17:44 > 0:17:47I would say I'm about 70% there. LAUGHTER
0:17:47 > 0:17:51The six-pack was exciting. I do not believe that was all paint.
0:17:51 > 0:17:53I'm about the same weight,
0:17:53 > 0:17:56I just haven't turned it into the shape
0:17:56 > 0:18:00of that lactating, bearded lady. LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:03It's distributed differently.
0:18:03 > 0:18:06Now, the thing is, you look at lovely Keira Knightley and think,
0:18:06 > 0:18:09"What a great advantage, being an actress,
0:18:09 > 0:18:11"if you are as lovely as you are."
0:18:11 > 0:18:13But sometimes it puts directors off.
0:18:13 > 0:18:15They don't want someone who is so stunning.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- You mean Joe Wright, don't you? - Yes.- Yeah.
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Joe Wright, who I've worked with three times on Pride And Prejudice
0:18:21 > 0:18:24and Atonement and Anna Karenina,
0:18:24 > 0:18:26didn't originally want me for Pride And Prejudice
0:18:26 > 0:18:29because he said I was too pretty.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32And then he met me and said, "Oh, no, you're fine."
0:18:32 > 0:18:35LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:18:39 > 0:18:41Little charmer.
0:18:41 > 0:18:46- Did he phrase it nicer than that? - No, he didn't.
0:18:46 > 0:18:50- When you walked through the door, did he just scream?- Yeah.
0:18:50 > 0:18:55- I got the part, so it's all right. - He gives, he takes.- Exactly.
0:18:55 > 0:18:58Same thing happened to me. Apparently I was too buff for Thor.
0:18:58 > 0:19:02APPLAUSE
0:19:05 > 0:19:09Keira Knightley, Oscar-nominated for Pride And Prejudice,
0:19:09 > 0:19:11- congratulations. - CHEERING
0:19:12 > 0:19:16Is it true on that film - this is an odd thing to talk to someone about -
0:19:16 > 0:19:18that he banned pouting?
0:19:18 > 0:19:22- Yeah.- Now, but do you know you pout?
0:19:22 > 0:19:25- Well, er...yeah. - Did you know about it?
0:19:25 > 0:19:30- I didn't see it.- I've got it out now. It's stopped, hasn't it?
0:19:30 > 0:19:34- There's no pout to ban, as for as I'm concerned.- There you go.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36I never liked... I didn't like my smile.
0:19:36 > 0:19:39Lots of people had said I had a crap smile.
0:19:39 > 0:19:42So any time I had a picture taken I always did a bit like that.
0:19:42 > 0:19:45Then suddenly, there would be a film camera and I thought,
0:19:45 > 0:19:48"Oh, just keep it like that." It's really good for an actress(!)
0:19:48 > 0:19:51Joe was like, "No, you're not allowed to.
0:19:51 > 0:19:53"You've got to stop the pout."
0:19:53 > 0:19:56Then we started doing Chanel adverts and all of a sudden he was like,
0:19:56 > 0:19:58"You know that pout I banned?
0:19:58 > 0:20:01"Can we have it back as much as possible."
0:20:01 > 0:20:03Yeah, OK. So, yeah. I tried to get it out.
0:20:03 > 0:20:07There is one shot in the film that was done by the second unit director
0:20:07 > 0:20:09in Pride And Prejudice where the pout is there,
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and every time he watched it, he was like, "You've got one pout."
0:20:13 > 0:20:16I want to see the pout now.
0:20:16 > 0:20:21- No, it's a bit... - Oh, it's good.- It's a big pout.
0:20:21 > 0:20:24It's good, because it's a very female thing.
0:20:24 > 0:20:27- Men, I don't think men can pout in the same way.- I think you can pout.
0:20:27 > 0:20:29- I've got huge lips. - You've got a good lip to pout.
0:20:29 > 0:20:34- You are a permanent pouter. - I think it's there naturally. See.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37- I love that. I love that. - That's like a Marilyn Monroe pout!
0:20:37 > 0:20:41APPLAUSE
0:20:42 > 0:20:46It looks like you are about to advertise Churchill's car insurance!
0:20:48 > 0:20:50AS CHURCHILL: Oh, yes!
0:20:50 > 0:20:54- Can you pout?- Can I pout?- Try? Ooh!
0:20:55 > 0:20:58Ken, I think you are at a disadvantage
0:20:58 > 0:21:01- in the pouting department.- You can't ask a man with no lips to pout.
0:21:01 > 0:21:03I suffer from no top lip.
0:21:03 > 0:21:05You have less of a top...
0:21:05 > 0:21:09- No bottom lip, either. - No lips! You are an alien!
0:21:09 > 0:21:11LAUGHTER
0:21:11 > 0:21:15It's a lipless world for me, but it's a happy one.
0:21:15 > 0:21:17Try. Try. Try.
0:21:17 > 0:21:20Aw! Aw! Bless!
0:21:20 > 0:21:22APPLAUSE
0:21:22 > 0:21:24Beautiful.
0:21:25 > 0:21:27Beautiful.
0:21:28 > 0:21:31- It was fully formed. - You are so kind.
0:21:31 > 0:21:34- Ladies and gentlemen, Lee Mack is going back on tour.- I am, yes.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36CHEERING
0:21:36 > 0:21:41- Now they are whooping. - Now you don't care about muscles.
0:21:41 > 0:21:44- Hit The Road Mack. - It had to happen, that name.
0:21:44 > 0:21:46I like the name.
0:21:46 > 0:21:50I'm slightly ashamed of my own name of my own tour, to be honest.
0:21:50 > 0:21:52I said, "Can I call it Lee Mack Goes On Tour?"
0:21:52 > 0:21:55My management said, "You are the dullest person we've ever had."
0:21:55 > 0:21:58- What was the last tour called? - Lee Mack's On tour.
0:21:58 > 0:22:00LAUGHTER
0:22:00 > 0:22:03Before that it was Lee Mack Tells Jokes On Tour.
0:22:03 > 0:22:06Before that it was Lee Mack's Cancelled, He's Been Ill.
0:22:06 > 0:22:10- This time I've went for the catchy little...- Hit The Road Mack.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13It's asking for a heckle.
0:22:13 > 0:22:16They want me to say, "Don't you come back no more, no more."
0:22:16 > 0:22:18You've given them a few ideas.
0:22:18 > 0:22:21Why did I say that on national television?
0:22:21 > 0:22:23As if the bottles in the face weren't enough.
0:22:23 > 0:22:25Presumably this time you will not make
0:22:25 > 0:22:30- the mistake you made on the last tour regarding food?- No.
0:22:30 > 0:22:35I did a 130-date tour and on the first night the tour manager said,
0:22:35 > 0:22:37"What do you want to eat before the show?"
0:22:37 > 0:22:39And I said, "Whatever."
0:22:39 > 0:22:42He said, "They've got spaghetti bolognese at the theatre."
0:22:42 > 0:22:45So I said, "All right, I'll have spaghetti bolognese."
0:22:45 > 0:22:47The gig went well and I thought,
0:22:47 > 0:22:51"It can't be the jokes, must have been the spaghetti bolognese."
0:22:51 > 0:22:54The next time he said, "What do you want to eat?" I went,
0:22:54 > 0:22:57"The whole spaghetti bolognese thing worked out. I'll have that again."
0:22:58 > 0:23:01130 nights later... LAUGHTER
0:23:01 > 0:23:04I'd had spaghetti bolognese every night for 130 nights
0:23:04 > 0:23:06and I hadn't had Parmesan cheese,
0:23:06 > 0:23:08which I like on the top of my spag bol, on the first night,
0:23:08 > 0:23:11because I didn't want to risk it.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14So I had a less nice version of spag bol, that I like.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- For 130 nights? - I'm very OCD like that.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19If he'd have come in on the first night,
0:23:19 > 0:23:21stuck his cock in a bap I'd have ate it.
0:23:21 > 0:23:25I swear to God, I'd have done that every night.
0:23:25 > 0:23:27If only he'd have known!
0:23:27 > 0:23:31I wouldn't have had to buy him an iPad at the end.
0:23:31 > 0:23:34No Parmesan with that, either.
0:23:35 > 0:23:38As actors, you must know that thing
0:23:38 > 0:23:41where if it works you constantly wonder why it did?
0:23:41 > 0:23:44- Yes.- I've never gone for spaghetti bolognese, though.
0:23:44 > 0:23:47- Do you avoid walking under ladders? - No, that sort of stuff I don't.
0:23:47 > 0:23:49But I would do that weird thing with the...
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Like if I had a Scotch egg and then if the show went well,
0:23:52 > 0:23:54I would have another Scotch egg.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- You've always sat in that seat, I've noticed.- I've noticed that.
0:23:57 > 0:24:00- Yeah. Always!- You've never sat there.- I often don't sit there.
0:24:00 > 0:24:02If you sat there, this show would be terrible.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05Your left side is awful!
0:24:05 > 0:24:07It's not, Graham.
0:24:07 > 0:24:10Do the pout, do the pout, do the pout!
0:24:10 > 0:24:12CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Now the other thing is Lee has a show which sounds
0:24:18 > 0:24:20like a really interesting premise for a show.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22It starts on 7th February, it's on Sky One
0:24:22 > 0:24:25- and it's called Duck Quacks Don't Echo.- Yes.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27Why is it called that?
0:24:27 > 0:24:31It's all about facts and they have to be, to some degree, true.
0:24:31 > 0:24:34Apparently, I didn't know this until I did the show,
0:24:34 > 0:24:37there is a well-held belief that duck quacks don't echo
0:24:37 > 0:24:39so that was a good name for the show, they thought.
0:24:39 > 0:24:43It turns out it's complete bollocks, but too late. We'd done the press.
0:24:43 > 0:24:46Don't give too much away but what sort of facts?
0:24:46 > 0:24:48I thought you were going to ask me that
0:24:48 > 0:24:50and I've got no memory so I've got a list.
0:24:50 > 0:24:53These are the things that we did on the show.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57"Don't forget to wash your pants." That's my wife! No...
0:24:57 > 0:24:59LAUGHTER
0:24:59 > 0:25:03Things like, "A shrimp is fitter than the average human."
0:25:03 > 0:25:07I must point out, when I say fitter, I don't mean better looking.
0:25:07 > 0:25:10LAUGHTER That's lobsters. I'd give them one.
0:25:10 > 0:25:14This is a good one, we've proved. We do it all scientifically.
0:25:14 > 0:25:16Touching someone's upper arm
0:25:16 > 0:25:19means you're more likely to get what you want.
0:25:19 > 0:25:21This has been scientifically proven.
0:25:21 > 0:25:25So if you were in a bar, Keira, and you hadn't met me before.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28- Yeah.- And I was to say, er... LAUGHTER
0:25:28 > 0:25:30You are giving me the look now, to be honest,
0:25:30 > 0:25:33you've been giving me most of the night.
0:25:33 > 0:25:35LAUGHTER
0:25:35 > 0:25:39"How come a member of the audience has been given such a good seat?"
0:25:42 > 0:25:45It's like you're going to be inoculated!
0:25:45 > 0:25:47- "Go on. Go on!"- Look away!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50To be honest with you, you're safe with me as long as you're really,
0:25:50 > 0:25:52really pretty, but you'll be fine!
0:25:52 > 0:25:54LAUGHTER
0:25:54 > 0:25:56Please don't edit that first bit out!
0:25:57 > 0:26:00If I was to say to you, "Hi, I saw you sat there
0:26:00 > 0:26:03"and I wondered if you would like to come for a drink with me next door."
0:26:03 > 0:26:06You would probably say no. What would you say?
0:26:06 > 0:26:09- I would say definitely, right now. - Fantastic.
0:26:09 > 0:26:13My theory is when I touch your arm, it will get even better.
0:26:13 > 0:26:15I'm looking forward to this answer.
0:26:15 > 0:26:18If I said, "Hi, would you like to come for a drink?"
0:26:18 > 0:26:20CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:26:22 > 0:26:24- Incredible!- It worked!
0:26:24 > 0:26:26Phew-ee!
0:26:28 > 0:26:32Can I just say...last time I was on this show,
0:26:32 > 0:26:36Gwyneth Paltrow touched my bollocks and now this!
0:26:36 > 0:26:39- Wow!- It's incredible. - It's a lucky couch for you.
0:26:39 > 0:26:42We've got a clip and this clip,
0:26:42 > 0:26:46because you remember back in the day they used to have the ads with glue?
0:26:46 > 0:26:50You know, and they'd glue people to boards and fly a helicopter
0:26:50 > 0:26:53and all that sort of thing, that's what you are testing here, isn't it?
0:26:53 > 0:26:55- With Mel C?- Yes.- This was terrifying.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58Show the clip and I'll tell you the terrifying story.
0:26:58 > 0:27:01Swivel us around. We've obviously got to face the other way
0:27:01 > 0:27:03because when we're upside down, we'll be facing...
0:27:03 > 0:27:06What's that squeaking noise? Is that my bum?
0:27:10 > 0:27:15Hello. This feels really dangerous. LAUGHTER
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Oh, I've got to get a proper job, I'm 45!
0:27:20 > 0:27:22OK, I'm scared now.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26We are going to plummet to the ground into a big mound of flesh.
0:27:26 > 0:27:30- If we go together, two would become one. That's what you'd want.- Yes...
0:27:30 > 0:27:32APPLAUSE
0:27:34 > 0:27:37- Here we go.- We'll be OK.
0:27:37 > 0:27:42- Oh, hello, that wasn't at all nerve-racking.- Oh, my God.
0:27:42 > 0:27:46- Holy shit!- What the...
0:27:46 > 0:27:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:27:53 > 0:27:56Wow. That's impressive.
0:27:56 > 0:27:59You know what, I'll tell you why that was terrifying,
0:27:59 > 0:28:02because it was a fact that we proved that superglue will really stick you.
0:28:02 > 0:28:06What they hadn't tested was that no-one had bothered testing...
0:28:06 > 0:28:10Yes, the sole will stick with superglue
0:28:10 > 0:28:14but no-one tested whether the sole will support the shoe.
0:28:14 > 0:28:15As we are up there, we started hearing a...
0:28:15 > 0:28:17HE MIMICS RIPPED STITCHING
0:28:17 > 0:28:19The stitching started going in my shoe.
0:28:19 > 0:28:22- But wait, you had a crash helmet on and Mel C didn't.- That's true.
0:28:22 > 0:28:27The way I looked at it, the Spice Girls are finished now, who cares?
0:28:27 > 0:28:30- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - Charming!
0:28:30 > 0:28:33Ladies and gentlemen, time to meet my next guest.
0:28:33 > 0:28:37Even I know this man is quite simply a footballing legend.
0:28:37 > 0:28:40Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Thierry Henry.
0:28:40 > 0:28:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:28:46 > 0:28:50Hello, sir. Very nice to meet you. Welcome to the show.
0:28:50 > 0:28:52Kenneth Branagh.
0:28:52 > 0:28:53Keira Knightley.
0:28:53 > 0:28:56Lee Mack.
0:28:56 > 0:28:59- Can I kiss you?- Kiss me.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Beautiful!
0:29:02 > 0:29:03- Lucky tonight!- Sit down.
0:29:03 > 0:29:06- AUDIENCE MEMBER:- I love you, Thierry!
0:29:06 > 0:29:07CHEERING
0:29:07 > 0:29:10Thank God people love you because er...yeah...
0:29:10 > 0:29:13It's been rough so far.
0:29:13 > 0:29:15Tottenham Hotspur!
0:29:15 > 0:29:16- I know.- That's OK.
0:29:16 > 0:29:18BOTH TALK AT ONCE
0:29:18 > 0:29:21Bienvenue, Thierry, a notre spectacle.
0:29:21 > 0:29:23Merci.
0:29:23 > 0:29:26- Shall we carry on in French? - No.
0:29:28 > 0:29:33- Very nice to have you here. You live in New York now?- Yes, I do.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37- And do they know who you are there? - Sort of.
0:29:39 > 0:29:43I mean, do they get the va-va-voom thing, the Renault Clio thing?
0:29:43 > 0:29:46Actually, it's kind of weird.
0:29:46 > 0:29:48The nice thing in New York is, whoever you are,
0:29:48 > 0:29:52you can be yourself, go out, do your own stuff.
0:29:52 > 0:29:55- It's kind of cool.- You get the anonymity which must be nice?
0:29:55 > 0:30:00- Yes, it is. - But here, or even in Barcelona,
0:30:00 > 0:30:02you are in two countries that are passionate about football,
0:30:02 > 0:30:04- they love it?- Yes.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07You must miss that, being able to sit in a bar
0:30:07 > 0:30:09and talk to someone who, you know, has an opinion?
0:30:09 > 0:30:14No. Absolutely not. Sometimes I don't want to know their opinion.
0:30:14 > 0:30:17Sometimes it is better. No, it's true, you know.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19I had the opportunity to play in Barcelona.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21It was a great time and,
0:30:21 > 0:30:25as you guys know, also at Arsenal, which was great.
0:30:25 > 0:30:29I enjoy not being the guy on the front or the back page,
0:30:29 > 0:30:31as we can say here.
0:30:31 > 0:30:34That's enjoyable sometimes to not be recognised.
0:30:34 > 0:30:37Of course, there is another great footballer on the sofa.
0:30:37 > 0:30:42- Did you see Keira Knightley in Bend It Like Beckham?- I actually did.
0:30:42 > 0:30:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:47 > 0:30:49I was much better than he ever was.
0:30:49 > 0:30:53You did go to proper football... football boot camp, kind of thing?
0:30:53 > 0:30:56Yes, yes, football, football. Yes. Football boot camp, yes.
0:30:56 > 0:30:58- Did you have to train?- I did.
0:30:58 > 0:31:02Actually, I played it when I was at school.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05I could have been a contender, I would have played for West Ham.
0:31:05 > 0:31:08- Oh, you would? - I think you still could!
0:31:08 > 0:31:11- LAUGHTER - There you are kicking a ball there.
0:31:11 > 0:31:15Keira's a ballsy girl cos a little bird tells me
0:31:15 > 0:31:20that you want to challenge Thierry to a keepy-up competition?
0:31:20 > 0:31:23- No, I don't!- No? - Do you know, even when I played.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27- That's what I was told! - No, I don't.
0:31:27 > 0:31:31AUDIENCE: Whoo! APPLAUSE
0:31:34 > 0:31:39- This is like some sort of nightmare. - I'm being horrible.- Horrible!
0:31:39 > 0:31:41Thierry is like, "Yeah, I could do this!"
0:31:41 > 0:31:44Thierry's so competitive, he's thinking,
0:31:44 > 0:31:48- "Yeah, I'm going to win!" - That's exactly me, actually.
0:31:48 > 0:31:50Straight in there.
0:31:50 > 0:31:54Listen, what everyone wants to know, particularly the Arsenal fans who,
0:31:54 > 0:31:56I think you love them as much as they love you.
0:31:56 > 0:31:59You've talked about Arsenal, about how they are your friends
0:31:59 > 0:32:01and family and you have a real connection with the club.
0:32:01 > 0:32:04It is for me, yes.
0:32:04 > 0:32:07The fans would love if you came back and managed.
0:32:07 > 0:32:09Is that on the cards at all? Oh, don't look surprised.
0:32:09 > 0:32:14Don't even try! You're sitting next to an actor!
0:32:16 > 0:32:22- I can't act to save my life. - "Oh? Manager?"
0:32:22 > 0:32:24No, the thing is, I have so much respect for Arsene
0:32:24 > 0:32:27so if it does happen eventually, one day,
0:32:27 > 0:32:30it's going to have to be after him.
0:32:30 > 0:32:32Because he's done such a great job and I have big respect for him.
0:32:32 > 0:32:35That's why sometimes when people mention manager,
0:32:35 > 0:32:37I don't actually want to talk about it right now
0:32:37 > 0:32:41because Arsene is doing a great job, so hopefully maybe after him, yes.
0:32:41 > 0:32:43Let's go from the other side, then.
0:32:43 > 0:32:46You love Arsenal, the fans love you, it's all going great.
0:32:46 > 0:32:50- Why did you leave? Why did you go? - Thank you for that!
0:32:52 > 0:32:55LAUGHTER Well...
0:32:55 > 0:32:59It seemed odd, you know, "I love it, I love it, I love it... Bye!"
0:32:59 > 0:33:01LAUGHTER That's a good point.
0:33:01 > 0:33:05When I left at the time, I wanted to be in a competitive team.
0:33:07 > 0:33:13The way the club was going wasn't the way I was seeing it.
0:33:13 > 0:33:15I cried when I left.
0:33:15 > 0:33:17It was pretty hard. AUDIENCE: Aw!
0:33:19 > 0:33:24I did, I did. It was not an easy thing to do, leaving Arsenal.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Sorry, I love football so much that I need to take this opportunity.
0:33:27 > 0:33:30When you left you felt the team wasn't going where you wanted to go,
0:33:30 > 0:33:33which particular signings did you think weren't good enough?
0:33:33 > 0:33:36LAUGHTER
0:33:36 > 0:33:39There must have been some signings. Is that why you left?
0:33:39 > 0:33:42Is this what you like about living in New York?
0:33:43 > 0:33:47Exactly. That's the type of opinion I don't have to deal with.
0:33:47 > 0:33:52Mainly for me, because Arsene is kind of a mentor for me.
0:33:52 > 0:33:57Father figure. Not knowing if he was or wasn't going to sign for me
0:33:57 > 0:34:00was difficult to know if I was going to stay or not.
0:34:00 > 0:34:03That's mainly for me the main point of why I left Arsenal.
0:34:03 > 0:34:07That's a good answer but which of the signings didn't you think...?
0:34:07 > 0:34:08LAUGHTER
0:34:08 > 0:34:11He's not going back to that. So, here's the thing...
0:34:11 > 0:34:12Was it Bendtner?
0:34:12 > 0:34:13LAUGHTER
0:34:13 > 0:34:16I'm just asking, I was just wondering if it was Bendtner,
0:34:16 > 0:34:17it might not have been.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19Was it Bendtner who wasn't good enough to take you to the
0:34:19 > 0:34:21Champions League?
0:34:22 > 0:34:25I mean it could be anyone, it could be anyone. Was it Bendtner?
0:34:25 > 0:34:27LAUGHTER
0:34:27 > 0:34:28It could've been, just wondering.
0:34:28 > 0:34:30Just ignore him, pretend it's not happening.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34You're with the New York Red Bulls now
0:34:34 > 0:34:38and this photograph of you, this is unbelievable.
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Obviously, we know you were the greatest goalscorer ever
0:34:40 > 0:34:46at Arsenal but this was you celebrating your 400th career goal.
0:34:46 > 0:34:47Now...
0:34:47 > 0:34:50LAUGHTER
0:34:50 > 0:34:54Are you just a bit knackered? What's...?
0:34:54 > 0:34:57I'll tell you how it all started.
0:34:57 > 0:35:00I actually did the same celebration the game before
0:35:00 > 0:35:01and we were playing in Houston.
0:35:01 > 0:35:05I don't know if you guys have ever been to Houston in the summer?
0:35:05 > 0:35:07Oh, it's hot and humid.
0:35:07 > 0:35:10So, I stopped by the post because I was actually tired.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12LAUGHTER
0:35:12 > 0:35:15Can I just ask a question about that photo?
0:35:15 > 0:35:18Are you knackered and what have you just done to that goalkeeper?
0:35:20 > 0:35:22But also, this guy looks quite tired as well.
0:35:26 > 0:35:29- Actually... - It's exhausting playing in America.
0:35:29 > 0:35:31It's a slower game in America.
0:35:31 > 0:35:34It is and, actually, that's the beginning of the game.
0:35:36 > 0:35:39So this photograph kind of caught on and it's been
0:35:39 > 0:35:42- taken on as a kind of internet meme. - Meme.
0:35:42 > 0:35:44- FRENCH ACCENT:- De meme.
0:35:44 > 0:35:45De meme.
0:35:45 > 0:35:47De meme.
0:35:47 > 0:35:48Sur le internet.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50LAUGHTER
0:35:50 > 0:35:53So, we have some cute examples.
0:35:53 > 0:35:57This is you supporting the Leaning Tower of Pisa.
0:35:59 > 0:36:03This next one, I wish this had been in the film.
0:36:03 > 0:36:04LAUGHTER
0:36:07 > 0:36:09- Have you seen these?- I have, yeah.
0:36:09 > 0:36:11I love how it looks like the people in the audience
0:36:11 > 0:36:13really are looking at you holding her up.
0:36:13 > 0:36:16And then, finally, this is so zeitgeist-y
0:36:16 > 0:36:19and up-to-the-minute, it's Thierry and Miley.
0:36:20 > 0:36:22LAUGHTER
0:36:28 > 0:36:29It's music time.
0:36:29 > 0:36:32This lady burst onto the music scene with her debut album
0:36:32 > 0:36:36On A Mission and now she's back and tipped for great things in 2014.
0:36:36 > 0:36:40Performing her new single, Crying For No Reason, it is Katy B!
0:36:40 > 0:36:43CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:36:53 > 0:36:57# I push all my problems to the back of my mind
0:36:57 > 0:37:02# Then they surface in my dreams they come alive
0:37:02 > 0:37:06# I sweep all my issues to somewhere I can't find
0:37:06 > 0:37:10# In hope that I'll forget but there's just so many times
0:37:10 > 0:37:14# Why can't I be strong and just confront all my fears?
0:37:14 > 0:37:19# When the fear is hurting you by being sincere
0:37:19 > 0:37:23# But how many more days can I run? How many years?
0:37:23 > 0:37:27# Emotions flooding and now it's all seeming so clear
0:37:27 > 0:37:32# Crying for no reason feel the tears roll down
0:37:32 > 0:37:36# I felt strong but am I breaking now?
0:37:36 > 0:37:40# Crying for no reason cos I buried it deep
0:37:40 > 0:37:44# I made promises I could not keep
0:37:44 > 0:37:49# Cos I never faced all the pain I caused
0:37:49 > 0:37:54# Now the pain is hitting me full force
0:37:57 > 0:38:01# I push all my problems to the back of my brain
0:38:01 > 0:38:06# A darkness deep inside where I just can't find my way
0:38:06 > 0:38:10# How can I walk with a smile? Get on with my day
0:38:10 > 0:38:14# When I deceived myself pretending it's all OK
0:38:14 > 0:38:18# I tried my best to hold it all together, I know
0:38:18 > 0:38:23# The strings have worn away and now I'm all exposed
0:38:23 > 0:38:27# I try to hide it all away on top of the shelf
0:38:27 > 0:38:31# I can lie to everyone but not to myself
0:38:31 > 0:38:36# Crying for no reason feel the tears roll down
0:38:36 > 0:38:40# I felt strong but am I breaking down?
0:38:40 > 0:38:44# Crying for no reason cos I buried it deep
0:38:44 > 0:38:48# I made promises I could not keep
0:38:48 > 0:38:53# Cos I never faced all the pain I caused
0:38:53 > 0:38:57# Now the pain is hitting me full force
0:39:01 > 0:39:03# Forgive me now
0:39:03 > 0:39:08# Cos I said that I'll be there for you, care for you
0:39:08 > 0:39:12# I let you down, I walked away
0:39:12 > 0:39:15# Cos there were things I couldn't say to you,
0:39:15 > 0:39:16# Say to you
0:39:16 > 0:39:18# I'm breaking now
0:39:18 > 0:39:20# I burned some bridges down
0:39:20 > 0:39:22# There must be some way out
0:39:22 > 0:39:24# The voices speak so loud
0:39:24 > 0:39:27# Will you forgive me now?
0:39:27 > 0:39:29# I burned some bridges down
0:39:29 > 0:39:31# There must be some way out
0:39:31 > 0:39:33# The voices speak so loud
0:39:33 > 0:39:36# Will you forgive me now?
0:39:36 > 0:39:40# Crying for no reason feel the tears roll down
0:39:40 > 0:39:44# I felt strong but am I breaking now?
0:39:44 > 0:39:49# Crying for no reason cos I buried it deep
0:39:49 > 0:39:53# I made promises I could not keep
0:39:53 > 0:39:57# And I never faced all the pain I caused
0:39:57 > 0:40:03# Now the pain is hitting me full force. #
0:40:15 > 0:40:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:40:20 > 0:40:22Thank you.
0:40:22 > 0:40:27Katy B, everybody! Come on over here. Beautiful job!
0:40:27 > 0:40:34- Oh. You sit there beside Lee. - How are you?- I'm good.
0:40:34 > 0:40:38Keira, Ken, Thierry.
0:40:40 > 0:40:45- Very nice. Yes! Very nice. - Thank you so much.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48And that's from the new album Little Red, which is
0:40:48 > 0:40:52- out on the 10th February.- Yeah. - Now, I'm really sorry, Thierry.
0:40:52 > 0:40:54I've brought someone else to the couch and guess what?
0:40:54 > 0:40:56They don't support Arsenal either.
0:40:56 > 0:40:57Who do you support?
0:40:57 > 0:40:58Crystal Palace!
0:40:58 > 0:41:00CROWD MEMBER BOOS LAUGHTER
0:41:00 > 0:41:02Wow!
0:41:02 > 0:41:07Can I just say Blackburn Rovers did better than that.
0:41:07 > 0:41:11My whole family does support Arsenal, though. Literally, today,
0:41:11 > 0:41:14- they're texting me, "Get his autograph!"- Ah, that's interesting.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16How did they feel when Bendtner was signed?
0:41:16 > 0:41:18LAUGHTER
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Before we go tonight,
0:41:23 > 0:41:27there's time for a story or two in the red chair so who's up first?
0:41:27 > 0:41:28Oh!
0:41:28 > 0:41:30- Oh.- Oh.- Oh.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32You're not going to speak?
0:41:32 > 0:41:35It's like one of those things. OK, off you go.
0:41:41 > 0:41:43LAUGHTER
0:41:52 > 0:41:56- You didn't know him, did you?- Yeah, he was my husband but it's fine.
0:41:56 > 0:41:57It would've been so bad if it was.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00We all want to know what was on those cards.
0:42:00 > 0:42:03All I know is, in French, do you have the word tosser?
0:42:03 > 0:42:06LAUGHTER
0:42:07 > 0:42:10You could use it now.
0:42:10 > 0:42:12Shall we have one more? One more? This is the one.
0:42:12 > 0:42:16- Hello, sir.- Hello. - Hi, what's your name?- Joe.- Joe, OK.
0:42:19 > 0:42:21- And where do you live, Joe? - In London.
0:42:21 > 0:42:25In London, how exciting for you. And what do you do, Joe?
0:42:25 > 0:42:26I'm a cameraman.
0:42:26 > 0:42:28Excellent, it fills you with joy, I can see.
0:42:28 > 0:42:30LAUGHTER
0:42:34 > 0:42:36This is going to be a FUNNY story.
0:42:36 > 0:42:38OK, so, off you go, Joe.
0:42:38 > 0:42:41So, I was on my first day of work experience at my mum's work
0:42:41 > 0:42:45and I went to the toilet and I did a number two and I got up
0:42:45 > 0:42:48and turned round and looked at the toilet and written on it was,
0:42:48 > 0:42:51"Nothing heavier than toilet paper."
0:42:51 > 0:42:52Obviously, this meant women's products,
0:42:52 > 0:42:55don't flush them down the toilet, but I thought it meant poo.
0:42:55 > 0:43:00- So, I took the bag out of the bin... - LAUGHTER
0:43:00 > 0:43:02This is an excellent story!
0:43:02 > 0:43:07I basically pooper-scooped my own poo out of the toilet,
0:43:07 > 0:43:10I tied a knot in it and I just walked through,
0:43:10 > 0:43:13it was an optician's practice so I walked through the practice
0:43:13 > 0:43:17- and put it in the bin outside in the road.- He can walk! You can walk.
0:43:17 > 0:43:22How about Joe?! Very good. That was a good story.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26Well done, everybody. If you'd like to join us
0:43:26 > 0:43:29and have a go at the red chair, you can.
0:43:29 > 0:43:31Just contact us via our website at this very address.
0:43:31 > 0:43:33Ladies and gentlemen, that's your lot.
0:43:33 > 0:43:36Thank you so much to my guests, Katy B.
0:43:36 > 0:43:38- Lee Mack.- Thank you.
0:43:38 > 0:43:40Keira Knightley.
0:43:40 > 0:43:42Sir Kenneth Branagh
0:43:42 > 0:43:45and Thierry Henry.
0:43:46 > 0:43:48Join me next week with musical guest Sheryl Crow,
0:43:48 > 0:43:50comedian Alan Davies,
0:43:50 > 0:43:51Hollywood actress Julianne Moore
0:43:51 > 0:43:54and Golden Globe-winning actor Matthew McConaughey.
0:43:54 > 0:43:56I'll see you then. Good night, everybody. Bye-bye!
0:43:56 > 0:43:59CHEERING AND APPLAUSE