:00:00. > :00:14.On the show tonight, there is only one question on everyone's lips. Are
:00:15. > :00:19.you talkin' to me? No. Me? Actually, don't even bother! I am not talking
:00:20. > :00:23.to anyone of you because tonight I am talking to one of the world's
:00:24. > :00:36.greatest actors. Let's start the show!
:00:37. > :00:41.APPLAUSE Oh! Oh! Oh!
:00:42. > :00:49.Hello! Hello!
:00:50. > :00:55.Hello, and welcome - welcome one, welcome all.
:00:56. > :01:00.What excitement, what a night, what a show. I never thought I would be
:01:01. > :01:08.saying the following sentence, "Acting legend star of The Deer
:01:09. > :01:14.Hunter, raging bull, Taxi Driver, Robert Di Niro is on this show,
:01:15. > :01:15.ladies and Driver, Robert Di Niro is on this show, ladies and gentlemen!
:01:16. > :01:16." APPLAUSE Michelle
:01:17. > :01:20.Pfeiffer is here, ladies and gentlemen!
:01:21. > :01:22.APPLAUSE Comedy goddess Jennifer Saunders
:01:23. > :01:28.will be joining us. APPLAUSE I
:01:29. > :01:33.know. And that's not all. We will also later on be having
:01:34. > :01:36.Oscar-winning star and musical icon Cher on the show, ladies and
:01:37. > :01:45.gentlemen! Cher APPLAUSE
:01:46. > :01:50.Cher! There! Listen, Robert Di Niro, how exciting
:01:51. > :01:54.is that? Now, he is of course well known for his committed method
:01:55. > :01:59.acting. He gained 60-pound for his role in raging bull where he played
:02:00. > :02:04.an overweight out-of-condition boxer.
:02:05. > :02:07.You see why he got the Oscar, can't you!
:02:08. > :02:13.LAUGHTER Another breakthrough role was as the
:02:14. > :02:17.godfather part two where he played a young man embarking on the life of
:02:18. > :02:19.crime. That is a classic gangster. That's what they look like. Here is
:02:20. > :02:33.what a wannabe gangster looks like. APPLAUSE
:02:34. > :02:42.But of course, one of Robert's most memorable roles was as Travis Bickle
:02:43. > :02:46.in Taxi Driver. Mind you, not the first time I've seen someone in
:02:47. > :02:53.front of a taxi and thought something awful is about to happen.
:02:54. > :03:01.APPLAUSE What about Michelle Pfeiffer? Again,
:03:02. > :03:05.a host of great films, Dangerous Liaisons, and Batman Returns where
:03:06. > :03:18.she starred as Catwoman. She looks fantastic. And it is not easy
:03:19. > :03:30.looking sexy as a cat. No! Later on, Cher will be joining us.
:03:31. > :03:40.But first, she's, it's Jennifer Saunders! Hello, hello! It's nuts,
:03:41. > :03:44.isn't it! Sit down. Sit down. And it's Michelle Pfeiffer!
:03:45. > :03:53.APPLAUSE So lovely to see you.
:03:54. > :04:04.There! Michelle Pfeiffer, everyone! And, yes, I am talking to him, it is
:04:05. > :04:13.Mr MrRobert Di Niro! APPLAUSE
:04:14. > :04:24.Wooh! I am exhausted. So over excited.
:04:25. > :04:28.It's like showbiz Christmas. Lovely to see you, Jennifer, lovely to see
:04:29. > :04:32.you, Michelle. Thank you. And, now, well, it's lovely to see you. It's
:04:33. > :04:41.surprising to see you. If you were British, you would be
:04:42. > :04:50.like, sir, be like Sir Robert Di Niro by now. Or Lord Bob. You can
:04:51. > :04:54.call me Sir Robert if you want. Can I call you that? Yes. The campaign
:04:55. > :05:01.starts now. The Queen watches this.
:05:02. > :05:03.I really hope not! LAUGHTER Did
:05:04. > :05:08.you speak to him out the back, Jennifer? I did, very briefly. What
:05:09. > :05:12.did you say? I said "hello"! LAUGHTER
:05:13. > :05:18.That was quite brief. Yes, it was quite brief. By the way, can I just,
:05:19. > :05:26.a man of surprises, a man of surprises, I didn't see you drinking
:05:27. > :05:28.that drink. Well, now is not the time.
:05:29. > :05:32.LAUGHTER You're not drinking it? Yes. But you
:05:33. > :05:37.asked for it, is my point? They asked for it. I didn't ask for it.
:05:38. > :05:44.Do you want something else? No, I am good. That's great. What is it? It's
:05:45. > :05:53.a cucumber Martini hen drivel. Did you expect it to look like that No.
:05:54. > :05:58.-- hendrix. That doesn't look like a cucumber Martini to me, that looks
:05:59. > :06:00.like a gin and tonic with cucumber in it. So, sorry.
:06:01. > :06:06.LAUGHTER How is your tea? I haven't tried it. OK.
:06:07. > :06:17.How is your wine? It's lovely. You haven't drunk that either.
:06:18. > :06:21.Listen, Michelle, yourself and M Bob, Lord Bob are in The Entry
:06:22. > :06:25.together. You've been in films together but it's the first time
:06:26. > :06:30.you've been on screen together? Yes, we were in" stardust together and I
:06:31. > :06:34.was so excited to be in a movie with Robert Di Niro and then I realised I
:06:35. > :06:38.didn't get to work with him because we had no scenes together. Then we
:06:39. > :06:41.did New Year's Eve, and I was so excited to be in a movie with him,
:06:42. > :06:46.and once again had no scenes together. So we would meet on the
:06:47. > :06:50.red carpet, hello, nice to see you, you're wonderful in the film, so
:06:51. > :06:53.then I get this script, and I said to my agent, "You know what? If I
:06:54. > :06:57.don't have a scene with him, I am not reading this." So, anyway, we
:06:58. > :07:00.had some great scenes together. We had fun. Were you meant to be in
:07:01. > :07:05.raging bull or was that just the story? Yes, actually, I was - no, I
:07:06. > :07:10.wasn't meant to be in raging bull. No, I went - it was one of my first
:07:11. > :07:14.interviews, I was starting out. I don't know how my agent got me in
:07:15. > :07:18.the room with him, but he did. And I am surprised he doesn't
:07:19. > :07:24.remember me because I walked in looking like a hooker.
:07:25. > :07:25.Was it in LA or New York? It was in LA. Yes.
:07:26. > :07:32.LAUGHTER People who look like hookers, people
:07:33. > :07:37.who look like hookers... I thought I had - I can't swear on this. I
:07:38. > :07:43.didn't think I had a chance. You can swear on this. What were you going
:07:44. > :07:48.to say? A shot in hell? You can swear on this. What were you going
:07:49. > :07:49.to say? A shot in hell? "A shot in hell"!
:07:50. > :07:55.LAUGHTER Wow! Where do you A shot in hell? "A shot
:07:56. > :07:57.in hell"! LAUGHTER Wow!
:07:58. > :08:07.Where do you live! "A shot in hell". ! Ooh! I can only apologise, Sir
:08:08. > :08:13.Bob. But the family opens on 22 November here, and tell the story,
:08:14. > :08:18.tell the story. We're on - I am on the witness protection programme,
:08:19. > :08:23.Michelle is my wife, and Tommy Leigh is our handler, if you will, our FBI
:08:24. > :08:27.handler, somehow he is in France. He keeps showing up. And then that is
:08:28. > :08:33.it. We're under the witness protection programme in France. I
:08:34. > :08:38.know it's not a documentary, but does that happen? Ever? It seems
:08:39. > :08:45.like an American Mob family might look more obvious in France. Good
:08:46. > :08:49.point! I think with this particular family, they're having trouble kind
:08:50. > :08:55.of staying under the radar, and I think they're sort of running out of
:08:56. > :08:59.locations. I like the way Michelle has thought it through! Don't worry,
:09:00. > :09:06.don't worry, everyone, the movie is very rude about French people.
:09:07. > :09:12.Don't worry! I am not saying anything. It is, though. And it is a
:09:13. > :09:17.real crowd-pleaser. French people get hurt!
:09:18. > :09:25.It doesn't exactly show the Americans in favourable light.
:09:26. > :09:27.We have a clip. This is the two of you as the married couple, and
:09:28. > :09:32.you're arguing about how things are going so far in your new life in
:09:33. > :09:37.France. All right. Nothing much. Just the
:09:38. > :09:39.prospect of packing up again when they find out you killed the
:09:40. > :09:45.plumber. I didn't kill him. I took him to the
:09:46. > :09:51.hospital. Why did you beat him to pulp. He's the only plumber within a
:09:52. > :09:59.radius of 20 miles. He disrespected us. I survived. He was trying to rip
:10:00. > :10:04.me off. Who is going to fix the pipes now? Who is going to build
:10:05. > :10:10.down the supermarket the day that - who is going to fix the supermarket
:10:11. > :10:11.the day that burned down the day we got here?
:10:12. > :10:20.APPLAUSE Very good. For you, Sir Bob, here
:10:21. > :10:24.you are, you've made close to 100 movies, you're in the 90-something
:10:25. > :10:32.movies now. You have had a big birthday, turned 70.
:10:33. > :10:37.APPLAUSE That applause means something.
:10:38. > :10:46.British audiences clap for nothing. In America that's standard. Here,
:10:47. > :10:49.that meant a lot. Yes. That's good! LAUGHTER
:10:50. > :10:53.But here you are in The Entry, and you're playing a gangster role. What
:10:54. > :10:57.is it about those parts that keeps drawing you back? Well, I mean,
:10:58. > :11:04.they're interesting characters, and if they are written well, it is fun
:11:05. > :11:08.to do them. With a good director - we have great times together with
:11:09. > :11:17.the directors - then it's worth it, or Coppola, it is worth it. I heard
:11:18. > :11:23.you talking a while ago about another Scorcesse movie coming out
:11:24. > :11:30.wi Al Pacino. Yes, I don't know when it will actually come out, but we
:11:31. > :11:35.are planning on doing that movie. This is going to hang over, I need
:11:36. > :11:39.to say it. Do you know we've met before? Yes. OK. I didn't know
:11:40. > :11:43.whether you would remember? We worked together in a film. You were
:11:44. > :11:50.in a film. I was just hanging around! We had so much fun. I did
:11:51. > :11:55.have a nice time. You were wonderful in that movie. Really? Yes. What is
:11:56. > :12:07.this? Did you ever see it? I did. You are the only person who saw it!
:12:08. > :12:09.It was called? I Could Never Be Your Woman.
:12:10. > :12:15.LAUGHTER That's funny!
:12:16. > :12:21.APPLAUSE That's unbelievable. That looks like
:12:22. > :12:26.a Comic Relief sketch. It is a whole film.
:12:27. > :12:34.When initial was doing scenes with you, did she ever ask you to eat a
:12:35. > :12:39.breath mint? Yes, she did! I did not. You're making that up! It
:12:40. > :12:43.was a very cheap film. They spent all the money on Michelle, they
:12:44. > :12:47.needed her in every frame. If you were talking to her, you had to
:12:48. > :12:51.stand close to her so her head could be in the shot as well, and there
:12:52. > :12:59.were some breath mints offered. That's all I am saying. I was being
:13:00. > :13:03.polite. I was being very bad! LAUGHTER Listen,
:13:04. > :13:07.we're pacing our excitement, such as the showbiz, not just these three
:13:08. > :13:13.amazing people, but my next guest sold over 150 million records,
:13:14. > :13:17.reached her 26th studio album. Please welcome Cher!
:13:18. > :13:19.APPLAUSE records, reached her 26th studio album.
:13:20. > :13:20.Please welcome Cher! APPLAUSE #
:13:21. > :13:43.If I could turn back time. # APPLAUSE
:13:44. > :13:48.Perch your loveliness here. There you go. How are you? I am OK, how
:13:49. > :13:57.are you? Something terrible has happened. What? Lord Bob spilt the
:13:58. > :14:02.tea. What is everybody having? He's having drink envy which is why he
:14:03. > :14:06.smacked your tea to the floor. He is having some cucumber thing he
:14:07. > :14:18.doesn't like. What are you on? Me? Yes? What do you mean? What is that?
:14:19. > :14:22.Dr Pepper. Is that a euphemism. You've been on the show a few times.
:14:23. > :14:25.We are excited. Tonight, it's the first time ever you're singing on
:14:26. > :14:31.the show? I think so. So what are you giving us? I am going to give
:14:32. > :14:38.you my new song. Good one! Is it called I Hope You Find It?
:14:39. > :14:42.Yes. Is it off your new album Closer To The Truth. This is like some
:14:43. > :14:48.questionnaire! I've got the facts. I've got the facts. Obviously, you
:14:49. > :14:53.don't, you're asking me! Now, I would like, it is a classic,
:14:54. > :14:56.I feel we're getting classic Cher tonight. What do you mean? It's
:14:57. > :15:01.classic. You're kind of getting tartan. It is a punk edge. Yes. But
:15:02. > :15:05.nice dark hair. Yes. Is it a mood thing? Do you wake up and decide
:15:06. > :15:15.which Cher you will be? Are you out of your mind tonight!
:15:16. > :15:19.LAUGHTER I have to say, looking at the sofa,
:15:20. > :15:25.it is like an out-of-body experience. It is like a dream I
:15:26. > :15:30.had. But how do you decide? Because
:15:31. > :15:33.there's biker Cher, blonde Cher, an gellic Cher? No, there is not.
:15:34. > :15:38.They're just me in different wrappers. It's only me, always me.
:15:39. > :15:41.Just plain old me. It's lovely to have you here. It is particularly
:15:42. > :15:44.lovely to have you here because, earlier this year, I don't know if
:15:45. > :15:51.you remember this, there was a bit of a scare, a bit of a rumour went
:15:52. > :15:57.out. It was that you weren't here? You've seen this? It was where a
:15:58. > :16:12.Twitter hashtag went out. I was dead? People misread it? It was when
:16:13. > :16:15.Margaret Thatcher dead. Now people read ead it as "Now that Cher dead".
:16:16. > :16:21.Did you get a lot of people tweeting? Yes, there was a big
:16:22. > :16:26.Twitter fest. This happens a lot with the hashtag
:16:27. > :16:31.things. So, for instance, I don't know if you remember Susan Boyle,
:16:32. > :16:37.lovely singer, she was launching a new album, going to have a party,
:16:38. > :16:51.and there was much excitement. She announced her party.
:16:52. > :16:59.This is my favourite one. I think like what were they thinking. So
:17:00. > :17:02.there is a important event here called Cheltenham Literary Festival.
:17:03. > :17:05.The Cheltenham Literary Festival kind of went yes, let's get involved
:17:06. > :17:09.in this whole Twitter thing. Let's be all over it, like writers and
:17:10. > :17:14.books, and things, but we really need people. They came up with a
:17:15. > :17:27.Twitter name for themselves with for the Cheltenham Literary Festival:
:17:28. > :17:38.Oh, my God, that's funny. Sadly, attendance was very low! No-one
:17:39. > :17:44.could find it! You have to go there, don't you! That's real. That's real.
:17:45. > :17:48.Nt three three years saying a big fond farewell to you as you toured
:17:49. > :17:54.the world. Yes. Now you're going to tour again. Yes.
:17:55. > :18:01.APPLAUSE Is this the Sorry I forgot My Keys
:18:02. > :18:04.Tour? No, it'sIT Is this the Sorry I forgot My Keys Tour? No, it's "You
:18:05. > :18:07.had better do it now, bitch, because you're never going to do it again."
:18:08. > :18:12.It's that. I've heard you talking about the touring, and you love the
:18:13. > :18:16.shows - But I hate the road. You hate the road? It's lonely, and you
:18:17. > :18:20.never know where you are, and you can't do anything, and you have to
:18:21. > :18:26.save your voice, and it's no fun. It's very isolating, and it is the
:18:27. > :18:31.only thing that saves it is when you go out on stage, and having a good
:18:32. > :18:35.time with everyone, and that is good. I am not sure how long I can
:18:36. > :18:38.do it. I won't do it for a long time. I realised this time, I didn't
:18:39. > :18:43.really want to, but then I thought if I don't do it this time, I am not
:18:44. > :18:54.going to be doing it in two years, or three years, when I am with the
:18:55. > :19:00.contain. I am -- can the cane. I am 67. I am not going to do it if I
:19:01. > :19:02.don't do it now. Excellent. APPLAUSE
:19:03. > :19:08.Are we allowed to talk about, because you're not doing the Vegas
:19:09. > :19:12.residency any more? No. You were saying you found those shows quite
:19:13. > :19:17.difficult. Yes. Are we allowed to talk about that? Yes, I don't care.
:19:18. > :19:20.The Vegas shows, you're used to it being you go out on stage and it is
:19:21. > :19:24.a party, people screaming and nuts, so you go out on stage in Vegas,
:19:25. > :19:33.and? They're not allowed to stand up, and they're very, very old.
:19:34. > :19:37.Sometimes they have had walkers, and sometimes they had oxygen masks.
:19:38. > :19:43.I am not kidding. It took me a long time because I was
:19:44. > :19:46.very angry for a long time, and then finally, I thought, you know, this
:19:47. > :19:51.might be the last concert they ever see.
:19:52. > :19:55.At least their enjoying it in their own way, and it's not my way, it
:19:56. > :19:59.doesn't make me feel that good, and they're having a wonderful time, so
:20:00. > :20:02.I have allow them to have their wonderful time. If they got too
:20:03. > :20:10.rowdy, then ushers would come and sit them down.
:20:11. > :20:20.Even if they had oxygen! Because Sir Bob, it's a hotel you've
:20:21. > :20:23.got in Vegas yes? Yes, a novo Hotel. I am there. I am not doing
:20:24. > :20:29.day-to-day operations, but I am very much part of it. Do they say, "Do
:20:30. > :20:33.you like these curtains, that kind of thing? They can. I am going to be
:20:34. > :20:38.there in a couple of days, stay there, and I will say this or that,
:20:39. > :20:45.look at this, some other space. I have things to say. Oh. So you're
:20:46. > :20:52.not a silent partner in this? No. OK. I am a little frightened for
:20:53. > :20:56.them now! I feel like ringing ahead, "He's on his way."
:20:57. > :21:05.Obviously, everyone loves you, Cher. You're a fan of everyone in in on
:21:06. > :21:11.the sofa? I absolutely am. I don't have to pretend! But, no, I know you
:21:12. > :21:17.love French and Saunders? Yes. Jennifer. And you can still believe
:21:18. > :21:24.in the Titanic. Yes. We did that. I loved it. They were - They were both
:21:25. > :21:33.in the water. Yes, that's right. Dawn died, didn't she? ZBLF are you
:21:34. > :21:38.- I don't know if you know, but Jennifer is part of a double act
:21:39. > :21:44.called French and Saunders, and they would spoof. Have you ever done
:21:45. > :21:51.Robert De Niro? No, I haven't. You have done Cher? Too good to touch.
:21:52. > :21:56.They did Sonny and I once. I've done you quite a lot, actually!
:21:57. > :22:01.I don't know if you've seen this - is this a bad thing to show Cher?
:22:02. > :22:06.No...! Let's see if you're still laughing
:22:07. > :22:16.and a minute! Cher is one of my greatest heroines,
:22:17. > :22:19.it is a tribute. I love they would get back together for one more
:22:20. > :22:24.little series! APPLAUSE
:22:25. > :22:36.This is French and Saunders homage to Cher.
:22:37. > :22:45.Who is that? Stop it! It's Cher! I am willing to believe.
:22:46. > :22:51.# They say our love won't pay the rent for all the money has been
:22:52. > :23:01.spent. Pent. # We don't have a pot, at least I am
:23:02. > :23:11.sure of all the things we got. # I got you, babe.
:23:12. > :23:17.# I've brought together wigs and songs that span the centuries.
:23:18. > :23:20.# I've brought together wigs and songs that span the centuries.
:23:21. > :23:36.# If I could turn back time. I could find a way.
:23:37. > :23:42.# If I could turn back time. I could find a way.
:23:43. > :23:49.# If I could reach the stars. Like you used to do.
:23:50. > :23:55.Stars. Like you used to do.
:23:56. > :24:06.# If I could turn back time. APPLAUSE
:24:07. > :24:09.You know when you make things, and you wonder I wonder if that person
:24:10. > :24:13.will see it. You never imagine you will be sitting on a sofa with them
:24:14. > :24:18.watching it. That's kind of weird. I've got an early Christmas present
:24:19. > :24:23.for you, Cher, because Jennifer has written a book called Bonkers. I
:24:24. > :24:28.only want it if she signs it. There's a picture of you in it. I
:24:29. > :24:33.put myself in the index as well. Are you in there? Yes, I am. But the
:24:34. > :24:37.thing about writing your life is trying to kind of remember it all.
:24:38. > :24:43.There is a bit, you actually lost your own baby. Yes, briefly.
:24:44. > :24:48.Yes. I id. A Ade and I were living in Richmond at the time, and I had
:24:49. > :24:56.three children, I imagined. So many to keep track of. Yes. One morning,
:24:57. > :25:00.Ade got up and he went and got the two bigger girls up, and he took
:25:01. > :25:05.them down for breakfast. I was to go and get the baby, and I went
:25:06. > :25:12.upstairs to the baby's room, and the cot was empty.
:25:13. > :25:17.I thought, "That's unusual, isn't it?" And you start thinking, "Baby
:25:18. > :25:23.should be in that cot." It's a bit strange. So I thought maybe Ade has
:25:24. > :25:27.picked it up and taken it downstairs for breakfast. The heart is thumping
:25:28. > :25:31.a little bit. You think this is odd. I go downstairs and he is feeding
:25:32. > :25:38.the other two, no sign of the baby. At which point I am thinking, "I
:25:39. > :25:44.should ask him, shouldn't I?" I think, "No, he will look at me like
:25:45. > :25:48.people looked at Ingridberg man in gas light and say you're mad, you've
:25:49. > :25:52.never had another baby. You've only got two children, you are idiot." I
:25:53. > :25:57.thought no, I won't ask him, I will go back upstairs. I go back up, and
:25:58. > :26:04.I am seriously thinking, "Have I actually, have I gone mad? Have I
:26:05. > :26:09.got a baby?" I went back down to my bedroom, as I felt down, I felt this
:26:10. > :26:13.little lump. Isn't it awful, yes, mumsnet, it's awful. I know you
:26:14. > :26:20.shouldn't do that! But I was breast-feeding her at night, and she
:26:21. > :26:23.had kicked herself, I had fallen asleep - obviously - from tiredness,
:26:24. > :26:28.and she had kicked herself down to the bottom of the bed, and was right
:26:29. > :26:38.under the duvet right down the bottom of the bed, just fast asleep
:26:39. > :26:40.- she's still alive! She suffered no damage!
:26:41. > :26:45.APPLAUSE It was a nightmare. You doubt your own
:26:46. > :26:49.sanity. In the book, you don't shy away from anything. No. You do talk
:26:50. > :26:53.about your battle with cancer and stuff. Was it hard to get the - I
:26:54. > :27:00.don't call it a battle. It's not a battle. I hate it when eventually
:27:01. > :27:03.the press picked up on it and they go, "Brave Jen's battle with
:27:04. > :27:15.cancer." It's a process you go through. I try in the book to
:27:16. > :27:23.decatatrophise the process. It's a cure you go through. Viva Forever,
:27:24. > :27:28.the Spice Girls came along. Ment reviews were angry reviews. Yes. Was
:27:29. > :27:34.that water off a duck's back? No, I was very sad for the show, actually.
:27:35. > :27:37.Everything you have things that work and things that don't work. I
:27:38. > :27:43.thought it kind of worked but they didn't give it much of a chance, so
:27:44. > :27:47.I was slightly kissed, obviously. Sad for you all, because nice people
:27:48. > :27:52.involved in it. How was it doing before you got reviewed? It was
:27:53. > :28:01.doing great. That happened to me too. I did a play ComeIng back To
:28:02. > :28:04.theFive Jimmy Deny. We were doing unbelievable business, got reviewed,
:28:05. > :28:07.bad reviews, and then nothing. You see, I think didn't people - are
:28:08. > :28:11.people giving back their tickets? You feel like people have bought
:28:12. > :28:21.their tickets already? I guess they haven't!
:28:22. > :28:30.Sir Bob, but you produce musicals? Yes, We Will Rock You. Everyone
:28:31. > :28:36.loves that. It is a big huge global hit, kerching - literally laughing
:28:37. > :28:45.all the way to the bank! How did you get involved in that?
:28:46. > :28:48.Well, Tribeca got involved, my partner gold involved, we were
:28:49. > :28:54.involved for years trying to get it to be a film, and then it ended
:28:55. > :28:59.upping the musical here, and now we're doing it in the States as a
:29:00. > :29:02.touring company, not on broad way. Maybe a little broad way, but now
:29:03. > :29:05.it's just staying, touring around the country. Of course, Michelle, we
:29:06. > :29:10.know you can sing, we've heard you sing. Yes. Would you ever do a
:29:11. > :29:19.musical or anything like that? No, you look at me with pained
:29:20. > :29:24.expression. I am a pretend singer. I an actor who can sing a little bit
:29:25. > :29:34.when - She was in a musical? Yes, when she was young. Must I say it?
:29:35. > :29:44.It was fun. Greece two. Yes, of course. . The fabulous Baker Boys.
:29:45. > :29:52.You sang in that? And in Hairspray. You've done nothing but musicals.
:29:53. > :29:56.Stop doing musicals! The most surprising story I think in
:29:57. > :30:00.the book is the call you get from your agent, and she's had a call
:30:01. > :30:04.from a tabloid newspaper. Do you know which newspaper I am talking
:30:05. > :30:12.about? Yes. It's another moment when I doubt my own sanity and my own
:30:13. > :30:15.memory. Share with the group. Cher with the group!
:30:16. > :30:20.My agent called me up one day and it was quite early on in my career, I
:30:21. > :30:24.think. I wasn't very old. She said, "Love, a couple of things." And she
:30:25. > :30:30.went through a couple of things. Then she cleared her throat, "Love,
:30:31. > :30:40.um, can I ask you a question? Have you ever, do you think, been in a
:30:41. > :30:45.porn film?" I said, "Oh, pardon?" She said, "Just the papers have been
:30:46. > :30:52.on to me, and they've seen such a film with someone with your name and
:30:53. > :30:57.apparently looks a bit like you." I was thinking, "Have I?"
:30:58. > :31:03.LAUGHTER Really? She said, "Possibly when you were in
:31:04. > :31:09.Italy on your gap year." I thought, "Oh, yes, that probably happened. I
:31:10. > :31:13.was probably drugged and set upon." They put it in the film. And I was
:31:14. > :31:19.thinking no, you're insane. I couldn't remember. I ventured with
:31:20. > :31:23.no, and she h no, and she said, "Fine." "I will get back to them."
:31:24. > :31:26.Which is what they do, they put a nice bit of bait into the celebrity
:31:27. > :31:30.swamp and hope that someone feels guilty, says yes, and they have a
:31:31. > :31:37.story. But, no, because if obviously I was in a porn film, I would have a
:31:38. > :31:42.proper porn name, which everyone's porn name is their first pet and
:31:43. > :31:50.mother's maiden name, so mine is S Suki Dumaney. Has anyone seen that
:31:51. > :31:54.in a porn film. Did someone say yes! We did do some research, and
:31:55. > :31:59.Jennifer Saunders does exist - she's not here. Please, God. We found some
:32:00. > :32:07.of her early work. I am not going to show it to you, don't worry. Have
:32:08. > :32:11.you ever seen her? Of course not. This is her. There isn't much
:32:12. > :32:15.Cheltenham Literary Festival going on!
:32:16. > :32:23.This is her, Girl of the Month. Do you want that for your collection?
:32:24. > :32:27.Yes, please! That is Jennifer Saunders who is probably watching
:32:28. > :32:31.with her grandchildren right now. Wow!
:32:32. > :32:41.That's really quite frightening, isn't it? If I were you, I would say
:32:42. > :33:20.it was you. I would say that. Bob is going er,
:33:21. > :33:30.The full French. But, you know, you must get so many
:33:31. > :34:13.young actors coming up What is the keying you tell them?
:34:14. > :34:19.Each situation is different. It depends who it is, who is asking me.
:34:20. > :34:34.Can Does a day go by when people don't
:34:35. > :34:48.shout out lines from movies and to you, or does that happen you will
:34:49. > :34:58.all the time? I don't get that that often from people. People are too
:34:59. > :35:10.frightened to do that to him. We were having dinner at Gay Pride
:35:11. > :35:22.night. He had his back to the door, and I was facing him. All these drag
:35:23. > :36:56.Queens came in. It's been great talking to all of
:36:57. > :37:03.dreamed your love could be, and so much more.
:37:04. > :37:09.# I hope you're happy with whatever you are. I wanted you to know that
:37:10. > :37:21.nobody is going to choose that. I hope you find it.
:37:22. > :37:28.# Am I supposed to hang around and wait forever. The last words that I
:37:29. > :37:30.said. # There was nothing but a broken
:37:31. > :37:51.heart talking, darling, #
:37:52. > :37:52.Because I would hate that you left without hearing the words that I
:37:53. > :37:56.needed you to. # Because I would hate that you left
:37:57. > :37:59.without hearing the words that I needed you to.
:38:00. > :38:04.# And I hope you find it. What you're looking for. I hope it's
:38:05. > :38:07.everything you dreamed your love would be.
:38:08. > :38:14.And so much # I hope you're happy.
:38:15. > :38:21.Wherever you are. I wanted you to know that, that
:38:22. > :38:35.nothing is going to change that. I hope you found it.
:38:36. > :38:48.Whatever it is I've found with you - well, I hope you find it, what
:38:49. > :38:52.you're looking for, I hope it's everything you dreamed your life
:38:53. > :39:03.could be, and so much more. # And I hope you're happy, wherever
:39:04. > :39:14.you are, I wanted you to know that, and nothing's going to change that.
:39:15. > :39:30.I hope you find it. I hope you find it.
:39:31. > :39:40.APPLAUSE Ladies and gentlemen, Cher!
:39:41. > :39:47.There you go. Have a seat there. We loved it! Beautiful!
:39:48. > :39:51.It's very, very deep. It is an instant classic.
:39:52. > :39:56.Thank you. Beautiful, and singing live, amazing vocal. Thank you so
:39:57. > :40:00.much for doing that. So many people don't bother, and we really
:40:01. > :40:03.appreciate it. APPLAUSE
:40:04. > :40:09.Before we go tonight, just time for a story in the red chair. Who will
:40:10. > :40:19.be there? Hello. Hello. You're on. What is your name? Reece. Where New
:40:20. > :40:24.Zealand. We love a Kiwi. Are you here on holiday? Travelling around,
:40:25. > :40:27.sponging off people? Yes. On holiday. You're staying with people
:40:28. > :40:35.you don't know very well, are not you? Yes. For months. Reece, off you
:40:36. > :40:39.go with your story? So about a year ago, my girlfriend went out drinking
:40:40. > :40:46.with her mates, and when she drinks she gets quite horny. Can I say
:40:47. > :40:51.that? Yes. Anyway, I was in bed, and she was texting everything what she
:40:52. > :40:58.would do, I thougt, "Oh. " I was half asleep, I got on the pho said,
:40:59. > :41:03."Hey, babe." Then I d, "Hey, babe." Then I got a "Do you know who this
:41:04. > :41:14.ou know who this is?" "Your my girlfriend." I looked at the phone,
:41:15. > :41:18."This is your mother!" Classic! Reece looked like he got over
:41:19. > :41:26.excited telling that story, didn't he? Do we have time for one more?
:41:27. > :41:31.Hello? Hello. , What is your name? Amanda.
:41:32. > :41:41.Manda - just Manda. When you drink, do you get horny? No comment! Did
:41:42. > :41:51.you once date someone called Reece? No. Where are you from? New Zealand!
:41:52. > :42:00.Sorry, are there coach trips coming from New Zealand to the show? On
:42:01. > :42:14.holidays or working here? Working. What are you doing? Like a vints
:42:15. > :42:26.sort of thing. Serving people. She's very good at them! Full-time? Yes.
:42:27. > :42:31.Full-time she does it! Off you go with your lovely story, Manda. Me
:42:32. > :42:35.and my friend were mastering the tube system. One night we were
:42:36. > :42:40.coming home, and we got into the tube, and there were no seats, so we
:42:41. > :42:45.were, I don't know, a bit bummed, and we stood there. We saw people
:42:46. > :42:49.walk out, raced to the seats. I noticed a guy was reading a
:42:50. > :42:52.newspaper earlier. He was pointing at it, it this newspaper, I said I
:42:53. > :43:01.will be nice, seeing as English people can sometimes be rude. So I
:43:02. > :43:07.picked up the - Do it now! Ing polite kiwi. I threw it over to him.
:43:08. > :43:12.He went on the tube and started - everyone started screaming. Turns
:43:13. > :43:18.out someone had put the newspaper on a big pile of vomit, and there was
:43:19. > :43:21.vomit all over this lovely lead! Off, off, off!
:43:22. > :43:26.We liked her. Listen, well done, everyone, if you
:43:27. > :43:30.would like to join us on the show and have a go in the big red chair,
:43:31. > :43:36.you can at this address. What a line-up. Please thank my guests
:43:37. > :43:38.tonight: Cher! APPLAUSE
:43:39. > :43:41.Jennifer Saunders! APPLAUSE
:43:42. > :43:57.It's Michelle Pfeiffer! It's Robert Di Niro! Applause ,
:43:58. > :44:03.All right. Join me next week, John bishop, Jay-Z, Judi Dench, and Sir
:44:04. > :44:07.Elton John!