:00:00. > :00:11.This programme contains some strong language. My musical guest tonight
:00:12. > :00:18.has had so many classics like... I remember when rock was young. Or?
:00:19. > :00:26.I'm still standing, yeah, yeah, yeah. And the classic... Nants
:00:27. > :00:44.ingonyama bagithi Baba! Let's start the show!
:00:45. > :00:57.Oh! Oh! Good evening... CHEERING We are taping it. Welcome
:00:58. > :01:02.all, welcome all. Can you tell who it is yet? Welcome another great
:01:03. > :01:11.line-up for you tonight, the rocket man tonight, Sir Elton John is here!
:01:12. > :01:18.CHEERING Yes! Acting royalty, Dame Judi Dench is on the show!
:01:19. > :01:23.CHEERING Yeah! The brilliant comedian John Bishop will be joining
:01:24. > :01:27.us. CHEERING And no, you haven't
:01:28. > :01:37.switched on to BBC Two by mistake, Jeremy Paxman is on this show!
:01:38. > :01:42.CHEERING Yes! I know! So, we've got a Knight and a Bishop. Almost enough
:01:43. > :01:52.for a game of celebrity chess. All we need is a Queen. But we don't.
:01:53. > :01:56.Elton is well known for his extravagant lifestyle, spending a
:01:57. > :02:05.fortune on flowers. He has them all over the stage. Even a cactus on his
:02:06. > :02:10.piano stool. That hurt. Elton won an Oscar for his song The Circle of
:02:11. > :02:19.Life, not quite that version, he The Lion King, and the stage version,
:02:20. > :02:24.fantastic, human act rs conveying Zazu the hornbill, Simba the lion
:02:25. > :02:29.and, of course, Elton the duck! The costumes are stunning. Here he is in
:02:30. > :02:34.another bird-inspired outfit. You look at that and you think, where
:02:35. > :02:42.the hell did Elton get those feathers? Let's get some guests on!
:02:43. > :02:49.CHEERING Later we'll be talking to Jeremy Paxman. But first it is John
:02:50. > :02:58.Bishop! CHEERING
:02:59. > :03:01.Hello Sir. You've got a tan. She's totally Dench, it is Dame Judi
:03:02. > :03:10.Dench! CHEERING Lovely lady. Oh, God, we
:03:11. > :03:17.nearly lost you. Sit down quickly. And for one night only, it is Sir
:03:18. > :03:23.Elton John! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:03:24. > :03:36.# Rocket man... # Have a seat.
:03:37. > :03:44.CHEERING you picked a good night. How are you
:03:45. > :03:49.all? Are you well? Very good. Very shiny, very show business. The last
:03:50. > :03:55.time I saw you was at your white tie and tiara ball, and you were quite
:03:56. > :04:02.poorly but didn't know it He a burst appendix. Were you using the doctor
:04:03. > :04:08.from Downton? How can you miss a burst appendix? I don't know, but I
:04:09. > :04:12.did nine shows and summer shows with a burst appendix. You are alright
:04:13. > :04:17.now? Yes, but it was huge when it came out. I'm very lucky to be here.
:04:18. > :04:23.And those parties are amazing. I've seen you at one of those Dame Judi
:04:24. > :04:28.Dench. Yes. I had a ball. If you don't know, the white tie and tiara
:04:29. > :04:33.parties that Elton throws every year to raise money for the Elton John
:04:34. > :04:40.Aids Foundation. Anyone who is anyone is there. It is show business
:04:41. > :04:51.wall to wall. LAUGHTER
:04:52. > :04:56.I had a darts match. Judi, do you still go clubbing, do you still cut
:04:57. > :05:08.a rub? I have never ever been to a club in my life. Judi Dench, you lie
:05:09. > :05:16.like a rug. Do I? I bumped into you in Heaven. Oh yes you did!
:05:17. > :05:25.CHEERING Absolutely true. Fag hag. They took
:05:26. > :05:34.us in through the back door. Wouldn't they? !
:05:35. > :05:38.LAUGHTER Story of her life. That is the only time. Is that
:05:39. > :05:42.really the only time? Yes. Did you not have a nice night? You looked
:05:43. > :05:49.like you were having fun. Yes, I think I did. I'm gay and I've never
:05:50. > :05:57.been to Heaven. Why were you there, gore God sake. That's a good
:05:58. > :06:08.question too! And the answer is, you were there to see Cher. What? The
:06:09. > :06:12.singer Cher? That's right! APPLAUSE Judi, later on... Don't ask
:06:13. > :06:20.me any more questions. I will come to you later. Don't worry, I've got
:06:21. > :06:24.all the answers. Now, I'm very excited, Sir Elton John, you are
:06:25. > :06:30.performing for us tonight or are you teasing us with that piano? You are
:06:31. > :06:33.going to be singing is Voyeur? Yes. And look at us old school, big
:06:34. > :06:41.fabulous vinyl. It comes in Does, yes. This is the new album The
:06:42. > :06:46.Diving Board and Voyeur is the second sing? After Home Again. This
:06:47. > :06:53.is out now. It is a stunning album and everyone is saying it. It is the
:06:54. > :06:58.best piano album since Winifred Attwell I think. High praise indeed.
:06:59. > :07:03.This is your 31st studio album? Something like that. What's great is
:07:04. > :07:09.listening to these songs, it is you and Bernie Taupin at the top of your
:07:10. > :07:13.game. It's the most piano-orientated album I've made. I don't see the
:07:14. > :07:18.point of making a record if you don't try to make better. I've been
:07:19. > :07:23.making records since 1969. This one is one of my favourites. Because I
:07:24. > :07:27.think we've come a step further. I'm singing better, I'm playing better.
:07:28. > :07:32.It is a very relaxed album, so I'm very happy with it. I'm sure Judi
:07:33. > :07:37.would say she goes into every part hoping to make a better performance
:07:38. > :07:44.than the last one. There is no point carrying on otherwise. The record
:07:45. > :07:48.company, who are here tonight, assholes!
:07:49. > :07:53.CHEERING I don't mean, that they are a very
:07:54. > :08:02.good record company. It shows when you are a proper star can call his
:08:03. > :08:08.record company an castle. They want to make cover albums and Motown
:08:09. > :08:11.albums but that's so silly. I leave that to Rod Stewart and people like
:08:12. > :08:16.that. LAUGHTER Did I say that? Having said
:08:17. > :08:25.that, his album is doing much better than mine. Assholees! You've
:08:26. > :08:31.announced a tour. You are back on the road again. Where? Aren't you
:08:32. > :08:37.touring in America? In America, not over here. Obviously you are
:08:38. > :08:43.constantly on tour and performing but you are now a dad of two.
:08:44. > :08:48.Congratulations to you. Thank you. CHEERING So now do, they come with
:08:49. > :08:52.you? They come everywhere that I go. The thing is with kids up to four,
:08:53. > :08:57.they are very portable and then they go to school. But at the moment
:08:58. > :09:01.Zachary is three on Christmas Day and Elijah is one in January.
:09:02. > :09:06.Zachary's been to Australia twice before he was two. He just walks out
:09:07. > :09:10.of the hotel and goes, "The Opera House." They are like sponges. He's
:09:11. > :09:15.been the China, Hong Kong, all over the place. They love it and they
:09:16. > :09:20.travel. I love having them with me. Is this true about bath time
:09:21. > :09:26.backstage? They come to the show backstage and we do tubby time at 6.
:09:27. > :09:30.30, ever since they were born and have a story from daddy and Papa.
:09:31. > :09:35.That's the ritual and they go back to hotel. And you go on stage.
:09:36. > :09:39.Covered in bubbles. When Zachary does go to school next year, what's
:09:40. > :09:42.going to happen? I'm going to take him on the first day of school and
:09:43. > :09:46.I'm going to pick him up and make sure I'm around for when he goes to
:09:47. > :09:50.school. It is very important. When you have children it is all about
:09:51. > :09:53.them now, not about me, so my touring schedules and whole life
:09:54. > :10:00.will change. It has to, it is about my children. I'm 66 now and I don't
:10:01. > :10:05.have to tour... Really? Yes. Bingo right! It is about them. My life,
:10:06. > :10:09.having the children has changed the way I think, changed my life
:10:10. > :10:16.completely. I've never felt love like I have ever felt. There is not
:10:17. > :10:20.a word in the dictionary that can describe the way you love your
:10:21. > :10:24.children. It is impossible to describe how much you love your
:10:25. > :10:29.children. Wow! That's lovely. APPLAUSE We hear a lot of stories,
:10:30. > :10:36.you do like shopping, it is true. It is rumoured, yes. I like shopping.
:10:37. > :10:41.Yes. I went to Melbourne. I think I got some sunglasses and some shoes.
:10:42. > :10:45.What did you buy in Melbourne? I didn't buy anything. I flew in from
:10:46. > :10:51.Sydney and flew back. You bought a tram. I did! Years ago. I thought
:10:52. > :10:55.you meant the last visit. Keep up! I bought a tram in Melbourne, because
:10:56. > :10:59.they were selling all the old beautiful trams to San Francisco. I
:11:00. > :11:05.thought, I would have one of those. I paid 15,000 Australian dollars,
:11:06. > :11:09.and it cost me 250,000 dollars to gets it to England. It was a
:11:10. > :11:15.nightmare. Due still have it? Indeed. Where is it? In the garden,
:11:16. > :11:22.of course! And the cheeky huggers who sent it over put the number on
:11:23. > :11:31.it and it said 69. Beside you there, Dame Judi Dench, I've got the whole
:11:32. > :11:37.anecdote here, I can give it to you. LAUGHTER I know exactly what you are
:11:38. > :11:43.going to say. She's on it! Tell us. Quite a while ago, is it embroidery?
:11:44. > :11:48.I used to do a lot of embroidery and make cushions. David Hare once said
:11:49. > :11:54.to me, could you make me a cushion? Which has something very rude all
:11:55. > :11:59.the way around it. A member of my family can come and stay and see the
:12:00. > :12:12.cushion and never see the words. So I. Was it all the way around? A very
:12:13. > :12:20.intricate design. I've done a lot. It said, "Fuck' em." Independent all
:12:21. > :12:25.the way around. -- on it, all the way around. John, you must be
:12:26. > :12:28.minting it now. You are doing the big Arena tours and the money is
:12:29. > :12:34.cashing in. The kids are leaving the house. What's the most extravagant
:12:35. > :12:42.thing you've bought so far? I bought an auction, a superlamb banana,
:12:43. > :12:53.which is a... You haven't got one. Bingo! I've outshoped Elton. A
:12:54. > :12:58.banana? A superlamb banana. John Bishop, you don't see the sort of
:12:59. > :13:02.man who would buy that. No. What happened, when Liverpool was the
:13:03. > :13:07.European capital of culture they had a raft of these around the city.
:13:08. > :13:10.They went into a charity auction. I was at the charity auction. Because
:13:11. > :13:15.at the time we were living in Manchester I wanted a piece of
:13:16. > :13:20.Liverpool in our garden, so I bought a superlamb banana, and he to ensure
:13:21. > :13:26.it. I had to phone the call centre in India and say I want to ensure a
:13:27. > :13:33.superlamb banana. She said, what's one of them? I said it is like a
:13:34. > :13:39.lamb with a banana and listen, whatever is in your head, that's
:13:40. > :13:45.what it is. How much but pay for that? Seven grand I think. It is a
:13:46. > :13:56.bar gain. Is it in the garden? Next to his tram!
:13:57. > :14:02.APPLAUSE Now, very exciting week because not only has Sir Elton got a
:14:03. > :14:07.fabulous new album, Dame Judi Dench has a really fantastic new film. It
:14:08. > :14:14.is so good, I've seen it. You must be thrilled with this. The thing...
:14:15. > :14:18.No? Well, I am. The thing I'm most thrilled about is because it is
:14:19. > :14:24.about somebody who is alive, a very, very remarkable person, who we met.
:14:25. > :14:28.The thing is that she's very pleased. That's actually the thing
:14:29. > :14:32.I'm most pleased about, because when you are making a film about somebody
:14:33. > :14:36.who is actually alive and present and near you and living and
:14:37. > :14:41.breathing and other people know them and they have this remarkable story,
:14:42. > :14:47.you have a huge responsibility to be very, very truthful and honest about
:14:48. > :14:53.the story. She liked it. That was fine for me. The lady is called
:14:54. > :14:59.Philomena and the movie is called Philomena. It opens in cinemas
:15:00. > :15:06.tonight. It is a heart-breaking story, based in the Magdalene
:15:07. > :15:11.laundries, the con investments She was pregnant, was taken in by the
:15:12. > :15:15.nuns and had a son and the nuns sold the baby and she couldn't trace him.
:15:16. > :15:21.I shouldn't tell you story. I won't tell you whole story. Already you
:15:22. > :15:25.know that's a good film. I think Steve Coogan and Jeff Pope did a
:15:26. > :15:32.brilliant job at making it very, very funny and then, oh, it is very
:15:33. > :15:35.boo-who. The facts of the story, yes. We've got a clip of Philomena.
:15:36. > :15:43.This is yourself and Steve Coogan when the search has taken you to
:15:44. > :15:49.America. Martin? They've got omelettes over there. Pancakes, and
:15:50. > :15:54.waffles. Anything. Career, bacon and sausage. Anything you want. I saw.
:15:55. > :15:59.Breakfast is included isn't it? It is too early for me, my stomach
:16:00. > :16:04.hasn't woken up yet. I'm having a ham and Swiss cheese omelette. Will
:16:05. > :16:13.I get you one? No. What about blueberries. Coffee? No, thank you.
:16:14. > :16:18.We have two buffets, hot and cold. I know, she just told me. We have
:16:19. > :16:23.fresh pancakes. Thank you, we are trying to have a private
:16:24. > :16:29.conversation. My apologies Sir. No need to be rude. She's a very nice
:16:30. > :16:33.person. I'm sure she is one in a million or one in 100,000. What do
:16:34. > :16:39.you mean? You said it to 10,000 people. It is just maths. You should
:16:40. > :16:42.be mice to the people on the way up, you might meet them on the way down.
:16:43. > :16:45.You of all people should understand that.
:16:46. > :16:50.APPLAUSE The accent, very good accent. People
:16:51. > :16:55.don't know, you have quite strong connections to Ireland. I had an
:16:56. > :17:02.Irish mother and my father went to Ireland when he was three. All my
:17:03. > :17:08.relations are there. When you were filming there were they crawling out
:17:09. > :17:17.of the woodwork and say, yeah, I knew your mother. We filmed in
:17:18. > :17:24.Rostrevor. We did a bit of getting in and out of a car. The man said,
:17:25. > :17:31.you've a cousin here. You have, he's come to see you. They all turned up
:17:32. > :17:35.that evening. I'm sorry I didn't go to other places in family. I have an
:17:36. > :17:42.enormous family. In terms of accents, but always sing in your
:17:43. > :17:52.American soul voice, did you ever try singing in English your own...
:17:53. > :18:04.LAUGHTER lock off! CHEERING
:18:05. > :18:17.I am a rocket man - it doesn't work Graham. I take your point. I have to
:18:18. > :18:22.keep going. John Bishop, a Liverpool accent. Were you eight when you
:18:23. > :18:27.figured out you had an accent? When I was ate I was in hospital. I fell
:18:28. > :18:31.off a fence and I bruised my kidneys. I was taken to hospital
:18:32. > :18:36.near Crewe. I didn't realise I was funny but all the nurses used to
:18:37. > :18:42.come in in the morning and make me say the word chicken. They said do
:18:43. > :18:47.you want your cornflakes with "chickken"? It is just one of those
:18:48. > :18:52.words with a Scouse accents. People are laughing, all I said is
:18:53. > :18:59."chickken". I thought, that's good, so I tried to then develop a whole
:19:00. > :19:03.career based around "chickken". To be honest it ended when I was
:19:04. > :19:13.8-and-a-half. There isn't anything about John Bishop I don't know.
:19:14. > :19:19.John's written a book. How Did All? This Happen? It is a very sweet
:19:20. > :19:24.story about your first kiss. My first kiss. I think I was about 12
:19:25. > :19:29.or 13. It is different now, because as you will find with your kids,
:19:30. > :19:33.teenage kids are exposed to stuff we weren't exposed to. The naughty
:19:34. > :19:38.things we looked at was the underwear page in the catalogue.
:19:39. > :19:43.This girl Jane I was going out with said, I've got a birthday present
:19:44. > :19:47.for you. She went to give me a kiss and she French kissed me, which is a
:19:48. > :19:52.lovely thing when you know what to expect. But when somebody sticks
:19:53. > :20:02.their tongue down your mouth when you are not ready, I said, "What you
:20:03. > :20:07.doing, you dirty cow! W!." APPLAUSE You are sitting here now
:20:08. > :20:12.and enormous success, next year you are doing another big Arena tours,
:20:13. > :20:17.Supersonic, all over the country. But look at him now, ladies and
:20:18. > :20:23.gentlemen, the host of this year's Royal Variety Show.
:20:24. > :20:28.APPLAUSE Yes! I've got to tell you about that. When we were growing up
:20:29. > :20:32.that was the big show on telly, the build-up to the year. When they
:20:33. > :20:37.phoned me and said, do you want to be the host of the royal variety? I
:20:38. > :20:43.said, it would be a lovely thing for my mum and dad. I said, I've been
:20:44. > :20:52.asked to do the Royal Variety Show, do you want to come? My dad said,
:20:53. > :20:56.it's in London isn't it? Wasn't it in Manchester last year? This year
:20:57. > :21:00.it is at the Palladium. Who are you getting? Prince Charles, are you
:21:01. > :21:07.getting... Prince Charles is going to be there. Because you are friends
:21:08. > :21:12.with royalty. Friends in a... Look at you, here you are with lovely
:21:13. > :21:18.Kate. Is she pregnant in that picture? Listen, I don't want this
:21:19. > :21:26.to change into Jeremy Kyle. Don't bring her on and have a DNA test.
:21:27. > :21:31.Let's move on. I was doing a thing for Comic Relief and Kate is
:21:32. > :21:34.involved with a fantastic charity that gets children to talk over
:21:35. > :21:39.their problems. We were at a school in Manchester and they were planting
:21:40. > :21:44.a tree. The Royals must be planting of -- must be sick of planting
:21:45. > :21:49.trees. They had me stood next to me. She is seven months pregnant and she
:21:50. > :21:55.is shovelling. I said, this is a set-up. I look like the laziest man
:21:56. > :21:59.in the world. LAUGHTER Judi, is it true, I've
:22:00. > :22:05.never asked you this before, the story about you and Ian McCel no-one
:22:06. > :22:13.Buckingham Palace? It is true. It is true. A big party for Shakespeare's,
:22:14. > :22:22.one of his birthdays. A big one. Yes, and we -ly remember this story?
:22:23. > :22:28.I hope so. I can't help you with this one. I just know something
:22:29. > :22:34.happened. Yes, um... Make it up. I think, I can't remember what we were
:22:35. > :22:39.doing but I remember we... What were we doing the two of us? We went into
:22:40. > :22:45.a room, beside the room where we were to change and things. And we
:22:46. > :22:51.were feeling around in the dark. What were you doing? What were we
:22:52. > :22:58.doing? He's away in America, sow can't ask him. Playing sardines? I
:22:59. > :23:04.don't know. Anyway, he suddenly felt something. He said, "Good grief,
:23:05. > :23:08.this is a very high chair." He looked at the back and there was a
:23:09. > :23:16.great big back. I think we were sitting on a throne. What we were
:23:17. > :23:21.doing there, I can't remember. Is security in Buckingham Palace must
:23:22. > :23:25.be terrible. Everyone who's been there says, "And then we snuck into
:23:26. > :23:29.another room and we spilled some plates." Famously you were close to
:23:30. > :23:40.princess dinena. Even before, that I think you play Prince Andrew's 21st?
:23:41. > :23:48.Yes. At Windsor Castle. That was a very nervy experience, because Ray
:23:49. > :23:52.Cooper my percussion player played and the chairs were gold and they
:23:53. > :24:00.filled up. I came down and changed. I was in a ballroom with a band.
:24:01. > :24:05.Diana Spencer, she wasn't Prince Charles' wife then. She said, do you
:24:06. > :24:12.want to dance? I couldn't dance anyway and we did a f August, x
:24:13. > :24:18.Charleston. Princess Anne said, shall we go to the disco? It was the
:24:19. > :24:22.quietest disco. I was born in a council house, this is very surreal,
:24:23. > :24:36.and the Queen came in and said, "Can we join you?" I was wanting to say,
:24:37. > :24:39."No, lock off." They segued into Bill Hayley rock around the clock.
:24:40. > :24:44.The Queen is going like... And it was one of the most, to that point,
:24:45. > :24:49.surreal moments of my life. After being born in a council house in
:24:50. > :24:55.Pinner, you think, and remembering rock around the clock, the odds of
:24:56. > :25:00.you dancing with the Queen at Windsor Castle are very, very long
:25:01. > :25:05.at that point. APPLAUSE OK. It is time to bring on
:25:06. > :25:09.my final guest. I'm guessing Newsnight has just finished, because
:25:10. > :25:17.the grand inquisitor himself is here, please welcome Jeremy Paxman!
:25:18. > :25:25.CHEERING Shove done one. Hello Sir. How are you? Very nice to see you.
:25:26. > :25:32.Have you met everyone? I melt Elton just before-hand. I have met Judi
:25:33. > :25:40.before. We did a carol service together. You've got a terribly good
:25:41. > :25:44.memory. We haven't noticed! Jeremy Paxman, even I know this is a stupid
:25:45. > :25:48.question, but we've got to talk about it. I've made a living out of
:25:49. > :25:53.stupid questions. The beard. You must have known it was going to
:25:54. > :25:57.cause a fuss. No, actually I was rather stupid. I didn't. We've been
:25:58. > :26:01.on holiday in the summer and I came back. The flight had been delayed 24
:26:02. > :26:05.hours and I had to go into the office the next day. I was standing
:26:06. > :26:11.in front of the mirror about to shave, and I thought, no, why should
:26:12. > :26:16.I? I kept it. I had reckoned without the silly season. There was nothing
:26:17. > :26:23.else to write about apart from Simon Cowell's baby and fracking. It was a
:26:24. > :26:28.no-brainer. I like the idea of you, becausen an insight into you looking
:26:29. > :26:33.into the mirror and going, looking good, Paxman. I wasn't. I was
:26:34. > :26:38.thinking, how do you take a beard off? You have got to cut it first.
:26:39. > :26:42.That's not good. No. It is awful. You are not here tonight as an
:26:43. > :26:49.interviewer or a presenter but as an author. You have a new book out,
:26:50. > :26:53.Jeremy Paxman, Great Britain's Great War. The worry is that you think it
:26:54. > :26:58.is going to be dry, pure history. But you do have a personal
:26:59. > :27:03.connection to the First World War. Yeah, my great-uncle Charlie was one
:27:04. > :27:10.of those many thousand thousands of men who signed up in late 1914. I
:27:11. > :27:17.grew up with this photograph on the wall. This photo showed him and
:27:18. > :27:24.seven other young men, arms around each other, standing on a newly tar
:27:25. > :27:28.ed road. Within about five months of the photograph being taken, he was
:27:29. > :27:33.dead. He was dead at Gallipoli, which was an operation in 1915 to
:27:34. > :27:37.try to relieve pressure on the Western Front. I just started
:27:38. > :27:43.thinking then, this is a very big event, the 100th anniversary, which
:27:44. > :27:48.is coming up next year, that has now slipped from family memory to
:27:49. > :27:54.history. We are obviously going to have to think next year about what
:27:55. > :27:59.we do to commemorate this event, but I thought, I suddenly realised I
:28:00. > :28:06.didn't really know. I was seeing it through the prejudice really of the
:28:07. > :28:11.1960s. 1960s, over what a lovely war and then blacked aer in the 1980s.
:28:12. > :28:22.The famous scene where right towards the end General medical chit --
:28:23. > :28:29.Melchett says to Blackadder going over the top, "I'll will right
:28:30. > :28:35.behind." And Blackadder mutters, "Yes, about 35 miles behind." It
:28:36. > :28:40.reflects the view of the First World War that all the generals were
:28:41. > :28:44.behind the line, and they were, for good reasons, and that the people
:28:45. > :28:49.were slaughtered by the generals, which is not true. What general sets
:28:50. > :28:54.out to lose a battle? I thought it was time to re-examine it. In
:28:55. > :28:58.history 1 years is a short time but in personal memory it is a long
:28:59. > :29:02.space of time. I know the BBC are doing a lot. You are doing a series?
:29:03. > :29:06.A television series goes with it next year. But I helicoptered
:29:07. > :29:12.critical of comments that David Cameron made about the -- but I
:29:13. > :29:17.heard that you were critical of comments that David Cameron made?
:29:18. > :29:22.When he was told millions of pounds would be spent marking this
:29:23. > :29:26.anniversary, he compared it with the celebrations for the Diamond
:29:27. > :29:33.Jubilee, and people get the idea that this is going to be celebrated.
:29:34. > :29:39.Only a complete idiot would think this is going this calamity is going
:29:40. > :29:43.to be celebrated. Millions of people were wounded mentally and
:29:44. > :29:49.physically. No-one would celebrate that. It was Cameron's clumsy use of
:29:50. > :29:54.language. They don't represent normal people. You shouldn't be a
:29:55. > :30:02.politician until you've had at least one job.
:30:03. > :30:06.APPLAUSE I their that prejudice. I think you should have done something
:30:07. > :30:09.in the world before you put yourself in a position where you are making
:30:10. > :30:15.judgments that affect the lives of all of us. I do think that. I had to
:30:16. > :30:19.interview Russell Brand the other day. He was banging on about how
:30:20. > :30:23.people are really disenchanted with politics. I think he's right. I
:30:24. > :30:28.disagree with him about all sorts of things but I think he is absolutely
:30:29. > :30:31.right. People are completely fed up with posturing politicians. And they
:30:32. > :30:37.realise that the public are way ahead of politicians. They realise
:30:38. > :30:41.we have loads of really difficult intractable problems. These people
:30:42. > :30:45.come along and make us promises saying that they can definitely
:30:46. > :30:49.solve them themselves, there is only two ways of looking at this, their
:30:50. > :30:56.way, and their opponent is wrong, and they are going to solve this
:30:57. > :31:00.thing. It's rubbish. CHEERING People are wise. They
:31:01. > :31:05.understand how difficult it is. Can I just ask. Go on. I've always
:31:06. > :31:10.wanted to ask you this. When you are interviewing a politician, is there
:31:11. > :31:15.any point where you want to say, God you're a dickhead, shut up. When we
:31:16. > :31:21.are at home, we are thinking, we've heard this before. It does flash
:31:22. > :31:26.through your mind casually, yes! Elton and Judi, you must have been
:31:27. > :31:31.interviewed a gazillion times. What are the things that people ask you
:31:32. > :31:45.and you think, oh, God. Everything you've asked me tonight.
:31:46. > :31:52.LAUGHTER They were odd questions. We must celebrate your fabulous work on
:31:53. > :31:58.University Challenge. You are the longest serving is question master.
:31:59. > :32:03.That's a very old photo. I had brown hair in those days. And now you've
:32:04. > :32:12.got a beard. Nice of you to mention it - again! You grew it!
:32:13. > :32:19.APPLAUSE I've got some questions, University
:32:20. > :32:33.Challenge questions. If you sit in that chair. I'll sit here.
:32:34. > :32:37.CHEERING What is wonderful is that I watch it regularly, because I love
:32:38. > :32:41.it so much. What I long to bet on each week is the drinker. There is
:32:42. > :32:46.always somebody who is very, very clever and the moment they say this
:32:47. > :32:56.unbelievably clever answer, they go...
:32:57. > :33:01.CHEERING Completely by chance, there are four of you sitting on the sofa,
:33:02. > :33:13.and so you can settle down and be asked. Has anyone got a scarf? Or a
:33:14. > :33:22.Teddy bear. Want to be the trendy one. I've got The Lion King
:33:23. > :33:28.somewhere. You'll get it back. A mascot.
:33:29. > :33:34.You can't do anything without a mascot. I want to be the mysterious
:33:35. > :33:38.one who writes poetry and never gets laid.
:33:39. > :33:47.APPLAUSE Fingers on buzzers. Who on the sofa
:33:48. > :33:51.tonight suffers from scoleciphobia? Various poll Technics, Bishop.
:33:52. > :34:02.Probably everyone. Due know what it is? No. Scotsphobia? No. It is you.
:34:03. > :34:07.Why is it me? Because I can't remember anything?
:34:08. > :34:17.APPLAUSE It is a fear of worms, Judi. I don't even like to say the
:34:18. > :34:24.word. Worms, worms, worms, worms. You are frightened of worms? One
:34:25. > :34:29.jumped inside my sandal when I was a little girl in wet weather...
:34:30. > :34:33.Jumped? Yes. Are you sure it was a worm?
:34:34. > :34:39.LAUGHTER And you've been scared of worms ever since? You can just walk
:34:40. > :34:43.away from them, you know. They are very quick, the worms in her garden.
:34:44. > :34:50.Next question. Who on the sofa tonight keeps two elephants in ne'er
:34:51. > :34:59.back garden? School of hard no, John. Me? Yes. There are two stone
:35:00. > :35:12.ones, not real ones. That's hilarious. It is probably John isn't
:35:13. > :35:19.it? If he's got a banana... I love it you have so much in common. You
:35:20. > :35:24.have got real ones? No, I've got the ones that were around London
:35:25. > :35:29.auctioned for the Asian elephants. I've got a yellow one with white
:35:30. > :35:34.dots and a bright yellow one that sits down. When you drive into our
:35:35. > :35:40.drive there's a big yellow elephant looking at you. It is were than a
:35:41. > :35:47.guard dog. The auction. It is a soft touch. He'll buy anything.
:35:48. > :35:52.I came home with a tramp. A final question. Who on the sofa once got
:35:53. > :35:58.their foreskin caught in a zip and was rescued by their grandmother?
:35:59. > :36:05.Snore school of speech and drama - Dench. It It was then the biggest it
:36:06. > :36:12.has ever been. It swelled with up to the most anonymous size and she had
:36:13. > :36:18.to get it in a bowl of hot water. She is the only person I trusted to
:36:19. > :36:23.do it. Since then it's been a huge disappointment.
:36:24. > :36:28.APPLAUSE Well done! Thank you very much Jeremy. It is
:36:29. > :36:32.music time. Sir Elton, if you want to go to the piano.
:36:33. > :36:38.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE In a moment we'll have some stories
:36:39. > :36:41.in the famous red chair but first performing Voyeur, it is Sir Elton
:36:42. > :37:06.John! # Looking, looking back
:37:07. > :37:14.# I'm trying to imagine this and that
:37:15. > :37:19.# The mathematics making up the minds
:37:20. > :37:24.# It is a prediction from the media to lines
:37:25. > :37:28.# Watching, I'm watching you # A voyeur from a different point of
:37:29. > :37:35.view # The solitary art that I've been
:37:36. > :37:41.looking through # Committed to connecting me always
:37:42. > :37:45.-- the old ways to the new # I see things from a curtain
:37:46. > :37:49.blowing up against the rain # Through a crack in the door that
:37:50. > :37:55.heals with pain # And through every gap that gives
:37:56. > :38:01.away some secret in the dark # I come away with something to keep
:38:02. > :38:20.you in my heart #
:38:21. > :38:31.I'm searching and setting out to prove without a shadow of a doubt
:38:32. > :38:38.# The age-old camera diction that's hovering about
:38:39. > :38:45.# A whisper in the dark #
:38:46. > :38:49.I'm wait ng, I'm wait g for # Tell-tail footsteps on the bedroom
:38:50. > :38:58.floor # Broken-hearted lover simply
:38:59. > :39:01.looking for # Release me from this dirty little
:39:02. > :39:06.war # And I see things from the ceiling
:39:07. > :39:11.of a hotel # From the satellite bouncing off
:39:12. > :39:16.the Moon # And from every telescope
:39:17. > :39:20.# Something is in the dark, I come away with something to keep you in
:39:21. > :39:26.my heart #
:39:27. > :39:31.to see things from the highest vantage point
:39:32. > :39:37.# Through a hawk eye on the wind # And forever secret rendezvous
:39:38. > :39:49.# Where illicit lovers park # I come away with something to keep
:39:50. > :40:14.you in my heart #
:40:15. > :40:26.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sir Elton John! Come back and join
:40:27. > :40:30.us, Sir. Absolutely beautiful. Thank you so
:40:31. > :40:40.much. Have a seat there with Jeremy. There
:40:41. > :40:47.you go. Perfect. CHEERING
:40:48. > :40:52.You make it look so easy. You've just been here chatting away and you
:40:53. > :40:57.wander over there and do that. It is what I do darling. Just time for a
:40:58. > :41:03.story in the red chair. Who be there. Hello? Hello. What's your
:41:04. > :41:08.name? Amy. OK! LAUGHTER Where are you fro Amy? I'm
:41:09. > :41:15.from really close to where Mr Bishop is from, but I live in London. OK.
:41:16. > :41:20.What's your story, my dear. It is about my adoration for Elton John.
:41:21. > :41:27.When Amy used to go by the name of Mrs John, because I loved him so
:41:28. > :41:32.much. Raise your game a bit, girl. She's young. Off you go with your
:41:33. > :41:38.story. When I was about nine we got tickets to see Sir Elton in concert
:41:39. > :41:43.at Hammersmith Apollo. We were in the concert, 25 metres close to the
:41:44. > :41:49.front, and Sir Elton said, "And this song is dedicated to David." I
:41:50. > :41:56.looked at my mum and said, "Mummy, he's gay." And with that Sir Elton
:41:57. > :41:59.said, "Yes, darling, I'm gay." And I cried so much, we had to leave.
:42:00. > :42:07.LAUGHTER That's a very good story. You can
:42:08. > :42:12.walk. I did not see where that story was
:42:13. > :42:16.going. That was rather sweet wasn't it? What a way to come out, on
:42:17. > :42:27.national television. I didn't know you were gay.
:42:28. > :42:34.LAUGHTER You got a banana lamb! Who is sup next? Hello. Hi. What's your
:42:35. > :42:39.name? Lucy. Does your story involve the things you're hold? Yes, it
:42:40. > :42:42.does. I thought maybe they were some worry beads or something.
:42:43. > :42:49.LAUGHTER Off Gow with your story, Lewisy. When I was little, my good
:42:50. > :42:57.friend of my grandparents knitted me this hat. My... Sorry, "Good"
:42:58. > :43:02.friends? LAUGHTER My parents told me that the
:43:03. > :43:07.person who knighted it -- knitted it nitted the it while she was
:43:08. > :43:13.performing in the National Theatre and in her dressing radio. I have
:43:14. > :43:24.never met her but she is one of your guests. But Norman Smith that? Has
:43:25. > :43:29.it got, "Lock them." All the way around? Well done everyone. If you
:43:30. > :43:36.would like to have a good in the big red chair, you can. Contact us via
:43:37. > :43:46.our website. Thank you so much to my guests tonight: Mr John Bishop! Dame
:43:47. > :43:53.Judi Dench! Jeremy Paxman! CHEERING And Sir Elton John!
:43:54. > :43:56.CHEERING Join me next week with comedian Greg Davies, Dot Cotton
:43:57. > :44:00.herself, June Brown, Brit actor Jude Law, and the pop sensation that is
:44:01. > :44:06.Lady Gaga. I'll see you then - goodnight!