:00:00. > :00:08.On tonight's show. We have one of the world's biggest Popstars. As a
:00:09. > :00:13.tribute I'm wearing my meat outfit. I'm not fully dressed. I node a hat.
:00:14. > :00:35.Thank you. There you go. Let's start the show!
:00:36. > :00:40.APPLAUSE The excitement, ladies and
:00:41. > :00:44.CHEERING CHEERING.
:00:45. > :00:48.It's palpable. Welcome everyone. Something for
:00:49. > :00:52.everyone tonight, ladies and gentleman. The pop sensation, Lady
:00:53. > :00:56.GaGa is on this show! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:00:57. > :01:05.She is. Top Hollywood actor, Jude Law is
:01:06. > :01:08.here! CHEERING
:01:09. > :01:14.The Inbetweeners stars, Greg Davies, is on the show. And I am so
:01:15. > :01:18.thrilled, because all the way from Walford, Dot Cotton herself, June
:01:19. > :01:27.Brown will be here. Yes, she will! I know. Dot Cotton
:01:28. > :01:32.and Lady GaGa together at last. I have a funny feeling they are going
:01:33. > :01:36.to get on. Since she shot to fame, Lady GaGa has met all the top
:01:37. > :01:41.people. There she is, hello, I'm GaGa. They're saying that to each
:01:42. > :01:44.other. Incredibly dedicated, such a hard
:01:45. > :01:49.worker and so busy. If she is running late, she'll put her own
:01:50. > :01:56.make up on in the car. She will. Yeah. Curse these speed bumps. Even
:01:57. > :02:02.if her head is stuck in her handbags. The show goes on. Yeah, it
:02:03. > :02:06.does. Lady GaGa famous for outfits. Here
:02:07. > :02:11.she is in the well-known meat dress that. Was a while ago. Rumour has it
:02:12. > :02:19.she's on the lookout for a new meat dress. Yeah.
:02:20. > :02:24.Here's another look, I tell you, not shy about dancing round in her
:02:25. > :02:27.pants, is she? She always makes sure they're spotlessly clean, the second
:02:28. > :02:37.the show is over, she sends them off to get washed. Service wash, please.
:02:38. > :02:40.Tonight, with her brand new single, Do WhatU Want. Go GaGa for Lady
:02:41. > :03:08.GaGa. # I feel good
:03:09. > :03:12.# I walk alone # But then I trip over myself and I
:03:13. > :03:20.fall # I, I stand up, and then I'm OK
:03:21. > :03:23.# But then you print some sit that makes me want to scream.
:03:24. > :03:25.# Do what you want, what you want with my body
:03:26. > :03:28.# Do what you want # Don't stop, let's party
:03:29. > :03:31.# Do what you want, what you want with my body
:03:32. > :03:35.# Do what you want, what you want with my body
:03:36. > :03:39.# White what you -- write what you want, say what you want about me
:03:40. > :03:45.# If you're wondering, know that I'm not sorry
:03:46. > :03:48.# Do what you want with my body # You can -- can't have my heart and
:03:49. > :03:53.you won't use my mind # Do what you want
:03:54. > :03:56.# You can't stop my voice, because you don't own my life but
:03:57. > :04:10.# Do what you want with my body # Do what you want with my body
:04:11. > :04:20.# I don't feel the pain because I'm a pro
:04:21. > :04:30.# I'm OK # Do what you want, what you want
:04:31. > :04:34.# # If you want to know that I'm not
:04:35. > :04:38.sorry # Do what you want, what you want
:04:39. > :04:41.with my body # Come on
:04:42. > :04:45.# You can't have my heart and # You won't use my mind but
:04:46. > :04:51.# Do what you want, with my body # Do what you want with my body
:04:52. > :04:55.# You can't stop my voice, because you don't own my life, but
:04:56. > :05:05.# Do what you want with my body # Do what you want with my body
:05:06. > :05:18.# Do what you want with my # Sometimes I'm scared
:05:19. > :05:24.# If you ever let me go # You would break my heart
:05:25. > :05:28.# So just take my body # And don't stop the party
:05:29. > :05:31.# You can't have my heart and you won't use my mind but
:05:32. > :05:35.# Do what you want with my body # Do what you want with my body
:05:36. > :05:38.# You can't stop my voice, because you don't own my life, but
:05:39. > :05:47.# Do what you want with my body # Do what you want with my body
:05:48. > :05:52.# Do what you want with my # What you want with my body rgs
:05:53. > :06:16.world # Lady GaGa! Come on over to the
:06:17. > :06:27.couch. Let me help you down. They're like tilt. Come on over.
:06:28. > :06:33.Here she is. -- stilts. There you go.
:06:34. > :06:38.I know you wanted a poppy. Thank you, that's beautiful. Have a seat.
:06:39. > :06:47.I will. Joining GaGa tonight, he is a comedy giant, Mr Greg Davies!
:06:48. > :06:58.APPLAUSE Hello. The time to say hey Jude, it
:06:59. > :07:03.is Mr Jude Law! CHEERING
:07:04. > :07:09.Hello, Sir, how are you? Lovely to see you.
:07:10. > :07:18.Very good. Welcome all. Now Gregg and Jude, did you get a chance to
:07:19. > :07:26.meet beforehand? Can we point something out, though. Can we stand
:07:27. > :07:31.up a minute, this is so unfair. So unfair. Yeah so unfair to be Jude
:07:32. > :07:39.Law. I'll do that. What am I supposed to
:07:40. > :07:43.do here? That looks good, yeah very good. Don't forget, June Brown is
:07:44. > :07:46.here. She'll join us in a little bit. Thank you very much for that
:07:47. > :07:54.Lady GaGa. Thank you. That's the current single Yes, Do WhatU Want is
:07:55. > :07:58.my current single, yes. Look at Jude just staring. I'm in the danger
:07:59. > :08:09.zone. Be careful. You will see his eye fly right out. What you doing...
:08:10. > :08:13.Whoa. I might get really close and then it
:08:14. > :08:27.will knock me on the back of the head. Don't get jealous ladies.
:08:28. > :08:33.I'm not a piece of meat all right. I'm insulted that you wore a ham.
:08:34. > :08:38.When I wore meat it was cow meat. Was there a reason you chose beef
:08:39. > :08:48.over ham? You know why, it was a statement about equality in America
:08:49. > :08:52.at the time. Here, in the UK, the gays can serve openly in the
:08:53. > :09:01.military, so well done. ? But we don't have to!
:09:02. > :09:07.LAUGHTER It's a choice thing. I forgot this
:09:08. > :09:12.was a comedy show. You are performing again later. What
:09:13. > :09:17.are you giving us? A song called Venus.
:09:18. > :09:21.I've seen the rehearsal, it's amazing. There are dancers. Your
:09:22. > :09:24.fans in London, you've been delighting them. You really make an
:09:25. > :09:29.effort. Every time you leave the hotel it's a new outfit, a new look.
:09:30. > :09:39.People really enjoy it. It's part of the thing. Thank you. It's how I
:09:40. > :09:44.deal with my inSanity. When I feel, I don't know, I'm a very creative
:09:45. > :09:50.person. Since I was younger, I always had like voices in my head.
:09:51. > :09:56.And for the longest time, I was like drinking and doing a lot of drugs.
:09:57. > :10:03.Actually it was the clothing and the artistry that really saved me. When
:10:04. > :10:08.I start to feel that burst of, that shaky insanity... Pop a frock on.
:10:09. > :10:12.Wasn't your mum all right with it until the piercing? Isn't that
:10:13. > :10:18.ridiculous, of all the things I did, when I got my nose pierced, she was
:10:19. > :10:22.like, you know, I just, I just don't understand why you had to get your
:10:23. > :10:29.nose pierced. I said, "Mum, really? I'm naked on like every magazine."
:10:30. > :10:34.But you know, I've been naked since the beginning. Since the beginning
:10:35. > :10:43.of your life. Yeah, of my life. I've had my aout since 2007. A lovely
:10:44. > :10:47.shot. This is you at GAY nightclub getting your aout. Look at their eye
:10:48. > :10:53.line. That's because I had it waxed.
:10:54. > :10:58.They're in a state of horror. I'm the Venus. The Venus wouldn't be
:10:59. > :11:01.waxed. The Venus would feel free. She'd be proud to be a woman. Who
:11:02. > :11:08.cares. Were you channelling the God of love when you had this picture
:11:09. > :11:13.taken? Magnificent. That's amazing. Do you think I look magnificent?
:11:14. > :11:24.That's sweet of you. I think I look like a dropped trifle. It's lovely.
:11:25. > :11:29.LAUGHTER I saw my niece that's weekend, just
:11:30. > :11:33.gone, they are six and two. The first things they both said to me,
:11:34. > :11:38.before hello, the first niece went, "Uncle Gregg, we're not allowed to
:11:39. > :11:49.talk about your fat tummy any more. " The three-year-old went, "You are
:11:50. > :12:02.fat." That's the best. Pure honesty. LAUGHTER
:12:03. > :12:05.APPLAUSE My sister shows clean bits of when
:12:06. > :12:09.I'm on TV. I have a joke that freaks them out. Which camera? Lucy, daisy,
:12:10. > :12:22.I'm stuck in the telly again. Help! That would freak them out.
:12:23. > :12:31.It makes the younger one cry. Who's fat now?
:12:32. > :12:39.I have to say that the weekend that you were in the nightclub, I feasted
:12:40. > :12:42.my eye on another celebrity bottom because Jude Law, there's a lot of
:12:43. > :12:47.you on view in your new film, Dom Hemingway. Yes. Often it's a flash
:12:48. > :12:51.of bottom as you get out of bed or something. But it's you just
:12:52. > :12:56.marching around for quite a long time with no clothes on. Yes. He's a
:12:57. > :13:02.very unabashed character. Dom Hemingway. Yes. What did you think
:13:03. > :13:08.he was talking about, his penis? His testicles are in the movie? Yeah,
:13:09. > :13:13.he's a guy who, kind of, he doesn't really care much about what people
:13:14. > :13:18.think of him. He also has break downs and dramas. At this particular
:13:19. > :13:24.moment, he's just gotten out of prison for, after 12 years, he's
:13:25. > :13:28.gone on a God almighty bender, found the man who owes him money and
:13:29. > :13:33.assaulted him. He has a minor melt down and ends up taking his clothes
:13:34. > :13:37.up and wandering around the olive groves in the south of France. The
:13:38. > :13:41.movie opens next Friday. I've seen it. Jude laup's performance -- Jude
:13:42. > :13:49.Law's performance is phenomenal. It is amazing. Well done you.
:13:50. > :13:54.APPLAUSE Like you go for it. You must have
:13:55. > :14:01.really trusted the director... Thank God. The Script was demanding of
:14:02. > :14:06.that you know. There were three-page rants. He was a guy who didn't
:14:07. > :14:11.suffer fools gladly. He didn't curb what he thought of people. He's
:14:12. > :14:15.vulgar. He's abusive. He's violent, but also very poetic and funny and
:14:16. > :14:19.very human. When I read it, I fell in love with him. I was desperate to
:14:20. > :14:23.make other people fall in love with him. In the end, it's a film about
:14:24. > :14:26.how awful we can be and how we've also got to be forgiven. Really it's
:14:27. > :14:29.just an hour-and-a-half in this guy's life. He doesn't do a lot to
:14:30. > :14:33.win you round, about You Know Yourself stick with him, and am I
:14:34. > :14:39.right, you eventually come round to him and realise, gosh, he's got some
:14:40. > :14:45.heart. No, he is a Dick. This will give us a taste. This is you with
:14:46. > :14:47.your costar Richard E Grant and you've been overdoing the
:14:48. > :14:57.celebrations after getting out of prison.
:14:58. > :15:07.Oh, my head's throbbing. Like in a disco full of transvestites and
:15:08. > :15:17.suckling pigs. A seizure in my brain. Diabolical seizure. (BLEEP)
:15:18. > :15:21.coke, I did too much. I tried to make up for too much time. My head's
:15:22. > :15:25.good egg to explode. Bits of my brain's going to go everywhere. I'm
:15:26. > :15:32.going to ruin your blazer. You're going to be all right. You don't
:15:33. > :15:44.know my head. You don't know the revolution going on inside my brain,
:15:45. > :15:48.cossacks, sodomising my cranium. APPLAUSE
:15:49. > :15:55.He's a broken man. You're 40, aren't you? Yeah. I think most people, 40,
:15:56. > :15:59.would look at this film and think, he looks good. For you, this isn't
:16:00. > :16:01.you looking good. You've let yourself go a bit.
:16:02. > :16:09.LAUGHTER Well, the guy spent 12 years, eating
:16:10. > :16:14.badly, he drinks a lot, he smokes. I had a summer of ling myself go to
:16:15. > :16:22.seed, a lot of ice-cream, late night bowls of pasta. This is reading like
:16:23. > :16:29.my autobiography. The list, if I ate all that I would
:16:30. > :16:34.be fat as a fool. You look good on it.
:16:35. > :16:40.You've got the height. So, Dom Hemingway is in cinemas on
:16:41. > :16:45.Friday the 15th. You are back on stage. Yes I'm rehearsing Henry V at
:16:46. > :16:53.the moment. Oh, my gosh. That's amazing, sorry. I'm freaking out
:16:54. > :17:02.over here next to Jude Law. Tip, if you go to see the play, don't wear
:17:03. > :17:06.that. Yes, I would poise them off. The people behind me. And possibly
:17:07. > :17:09.the balcony too. You know I couldn't even get in here. You should have
:17:10. > :17:16.seen me from the dressing room, like this.
:17:17. > :17:21.The whole way was a nightmare. Welcome to my world. (
:17:22. > :17:27.APPLAUSE Sorry, Henry V opening in the West
:17:28. > :17:30.End? Previews on November 23 and it runs until February 15th. Fight for
:17:31. > :17:37.a ticket. Yes, the writer is terrific. ( He can change things.
:17:38. > :17:43.He's not fussy. Lady GaGa, new album, great excitement.
:17:44. > :17:48.CHEERING We have the or the work there. That
:17:49. > :17:54.is out next Monday, the 11th November. I know. I need a bucket to
:17:55. > :17:58.puke in honestly. How many tracks have we heard now? I've been
:17:59. > :18:04.releasing snippets for the past three weeks. Because for me, it's
:18:05. > :18:08.kind of like - you know when they stream your album the week it comes
:18:09. > :18:18.out, it's like a come shot or whatever. Maybe I can't say that on
:18:19. > :18:25.TV. It all happens so quickly. It's your work. I really get your
:18:26. > :18:33.metaphor now! For example, it's like a quickie. It's like a one-night
:18:34. > :18:36.stand. You hear it all at once. The girl rips her clothes off and the
:18:37. > :18:43.guy is done with you and he gets up and leaves. For me... I'm so lost.
:18:44. > :18:52.What are we talking about. The album. Coming out soon? Yes. Too
:18:53. > :18:56.quickly. It's premature for me. I like to release...
:18:57. > :19:02.LAUGHTER I'm sorry. You started this! I am
:19:03. > :19:08.sorry. I talk in riddles sometimes. It makes sense in my head. Just for
:19:09. > :19:15.the record my stand up DVD comes out straight to the shops 11th December,
:19:16. > :19:20.it's a joys fest. -- jizz fest. Thank you, it wasn't just me. Thank
:19:21. > :19:30.you for doing that. Say something naughty, please. I'm going to save
:19:31. > :19:35.it up. Wait till June is here. We have to talk about your fans. They
:19:36. > :19:38.love you. I love them. They're very special.
:19:39. > :19:42.That bond you have seems genuine. Is there a reason why they do this -
:19:43. > :19:48.they film themselves watching your videos. Yeah, they're awesome. They
:19:49. > :19:53.started a radio station called radio art pop now. Have you come across Mr
:19:54. > :19:57.Motor mouth before? I think I know. This is the first time he watched
:19:58. > :20:05.Applause. Yes, I do!
:20:06. > :20:25.Oh, this bitch is flying. Oh, yes, bitch. Yes, turn around score six
:20:26. > :20:36.bitch. She brought out the yellow wig, bitch. Ooohhh! He's amazing.
:20:37. > :20:39.Are you sure he's a fan? LAUGHTER
:20:40. > :20:43.Well, get this, we thought if he was that excited to watch a video of
:20:44. > :20:47.you, how excited - no, he's not here.
:20:48. > :20:53.How excited would it be if we Skyped him. Amazing. I will Skype him now.
:20:54. > :21:00.Skyping. Hang on. Can you see me? Hello? Hi
:21:01. > :21:11.Graham, how are you, darling? ! I'm very good. Zachary? Yes! Your hair
:21:12. > :21:19.is amazing. I know the bitch had to slave over it. So, brace yourself.
:21:20. > :21:30.Because I'm moving the camera. Zachary, here is... Lady GaGa! HE
:21:31. > :21:37.SQUEALS That bitch. What just happened! And
:21:38. > :21:42.that lace and the necklace, honey, you worked bitch. You know, you're
:21:43. > :21:47.so famous right now. Have you no idea. You're all over UK television.
:21:48. > :21:53.There you are. Is there any little bit from the album can you do
:21:54. > :21:58.something for him, a line to blow his mind?
:21:59. > :22:09.# I can't help the way I'm feeling # Goddess of love take me to your
:22:10. > :22:14.leader # APPLAUSE
:22:15. > :22:19.Zachary, we'll send you a tape. Thank you so much. I love you
:22:20. > :22:24.Zachary. I love you. I love you too GaGa. Art pop you look so pure and
:22:25. > :22:30.happy. I'm so proud of you, baby. I am so proud of you. Thank you.
:22:31. > :22:34.Bye-bye. What a nice man. You're a nice man,
:22:35. > :22:38.I'll tell you why, because you're giving them a voice. That's what
:22:39. > :22:46.this is all about for me. You just gave him his moment. Thank you.
:22:47. > :22:50.He earned his moment. That was so cool. Talking of fans of
:22:51. > :22:56.Lady GaGa, there is another one in the building. Yes, since 1985, this
:22:57. > :23:01.lady has been a part of everyone's family as EastEnders Dot Cotton.
:23:02. > :23:05.Please welcome the unique, June Brown!
:23:06. > :23:26.APPLAUSE That's Jude Law. Oh, my gosh why
:23:27. > :23:33.does she have her purse with her. And that's Greg Davies. She has a
:23:34. > :23:43.purse and cigarettes. Too fabulous. Sit down. You look amazing. I
:23:44. > :23:48.thought I had to outdo her, you see. June, do you want to take your coat
:23:49. > :23:53.off? Do. Stay a while. I am rather hot.
:23:54. > :24:00.There you go. Gorgeous.
:24:01. > :24:05.APPLAUSE June Brown... I'm exhausted already.
:24:06. > :24:10.Here's the thing, are you familiar Lady GaGa with EastEnders? No, don't
:24:11. > :24:17.say yes darling. If you're not, you're not. And I don't blame you.
:24:18. > :24:23.I am. I actually am a very big fan of yours. I just don't watch a lot
:24:24. > :24:28.of television. I don't watch any! But are so fabulously dressed and
:24:29. > :24:32.I'm very honoured to be seated next to you. You see, I had to do it
:24:33. > :24:39.because I have a friend, I'm staying with a couple of boys tonight. Oh,
:24:40. > :24:44.yes! Straight or gay? Yeah, no. What he was the first. I understood that.
:24:45. > :24:48.She speaks my language. We have to avoid things sometimes, don't you
:24:49. > :24:52.darling. You have to be very good at getting round questions that you
:24:53. > :25:00.don't want to answer. Discretion. Shall I take your chair? No. Hey,
:25:01. > :25:06.Lady GaGa, guess what, June's written a book. Let me see. About
:25:07. > :25:14.her life. It is called Before the Year Dot. Is it not? No, no, mine.
:25:15. > :25:17.It's cringing. Why? Well, you do. You should be proud. Oh, no, when I
:25:18. > :25:21.saw bits of it in something or other, I couldn't bear. It and I
:25:22. > :25:24.haven't read it. I wrote it, but I haven't read it.
:25:25. > :25:28.I understand that. It's hard to watch yourself back or
:25:29. > :25:33.read yourself back because you have to... You criticise yourself too.
:25:34. > :25:37.You have to re-experience it. Did you do it chronilogically? I didn't
:25:38. > :25:44.because I haven't got a computer, except for this. So I had to use
:25:45. > :25:51.this. I did go back 82 years, you see. Goodness. Yes, I know. You
:25:52. > :25:56.don't believe it. I'm three months and three years off 90. You're not!
:25:57. > :26:03.APPLAUSE Are you really? Wow. I want to drink
:26:04. > :26:12.from your cup. I want to know what those genes are. I am quite healthy,
:26:13. > :26:17.you're all right. These chaps, you see... Max really thinks you're
:26:18. > :26:21.something. The idea of you and me together was to him wonderful, like
:26:22. > :26:29.all those mad people who do those things when you're doing your
:26:30. > :26:35.watching. I do know. That's what he said. So I must go on. We were in
:26:36. > :26:40.theatres opposite each other. Wind ham. Yes, we are. You had such a
:26:41. > :26:45.queue around your theatre of young ladies to see him play Hamlet you
:26:46. > :26:49.see, that I didn't join the queue. I did go to the next production, but
:26:50. > :26:59.they weren't stars. Very good they were too. The Noel Coward. That's
:27:00. > :27:05.where I'm doing Henry V. You're so lucky. June... June. I'm
:27:06. > :27:11.sorry, am I ignoring you. Leave her alone, she's a star!
:27:12. > :27:16.APPLAUSE All I'm saying is this is a
:27:17. > :27:20.promotional opportunity. We really should mention the book.
:27:21. > :27:26.LAUGHTER People will be cross if we don't
:27:27. > :27:31.mention the book. I don't like to. I know you won't. But there are people
:27:32. > :27:40.out of back who will throttle me and you. Go on, get on with it. She's
:27:41. > :27:46.written a book. Just before you started EastEnders,
:27:47. > :27:51.that it is up to that? No, I couldn't do that long. It's
:27:52. > :27:56.pre-EastEnders? Before the year Dot. What a fantastic idea. That means
:27:57. > :28:01.ape long time ago. I'm just having to explain it to him, you don't
:28:02. > :28:09.mind, do you? I did understand the title. Look at June Brown in... Such
:28:10. > :28:15.a heart breaker. Looks like the girl with the Pearl Earring here. Can I
:28:16. > :28:25.just touch it. Can I make a hat out of it? It's a
:28:26. > :28:28.promotional opportunity. They won't be expecting that. I just
:28:29. > :28:40.caught sight of myself. I think I look like a zebra.
:28:41. > :28:45.No, you don't. My mother was always doing that. "I used to look like
:28:46. > :28:49.this, " She used to say. I've lost 20 pounds writing this book. You're
:28:50. > :28:56.kidding. Look, you see this dress, well it used to fit me. Look... I
:28:57. > :29:00.can't afford to lose it. If you could see me underneath this
:29:01. > :29:05.dress... Yes, June. It's not a pretty sight.
:29:06. > :29:13.Yes, it is. Isn't it designed to be very safe? No, no. Is it undone? No,
:29:14. > :29:17.I'm tailoring it for you. I have a safety pin. What are you doing?
:29:18. > :29:23.She's making it form fitting. Watch your hat for God's sake.
:29:24. > :29:32.No, no, get a bit further over dear, it looks rather good.
:29:33. > :29:37.NEBREAK LAUGHTER Sorry, Graham, is this happening or
:29:38. > :29:41.have I been taking drugs? No, we have!
:29:42. > :29:52.Are you nearly done? Yes. I've gone a bit scatty. I could go on forever
:29:53. > :29:58.you know. A lot of people remember your episode... Are you all right?
:29:59. > :30:04.I'm grand. Shall I come and sit on your knee? If you want to. I'm not
:30:05. > :30:17.sure it will help. It would be great.
:30:18. > :30:21.I am glad I didn't squirt that. You did your solo episode and got
:30:22. > :30:25.nominated for a BAFTA. Yes, I would like to have got that one. You
:30:26. > :30:30.should have got that one. I didn't. Now your family were very nice. Oh,
:30:31. > :30:34.yes, we just made fun of it, which is the best thing to do. They made
:30:35. > :30:40.up a consolation prize. Indeed I have a BAFTA. You brought it in.
:30:41. > :30:47.This is the award that the family made for June. Now, talk us... Have
:30:48. > :30:52.you broken it? No, no. It's based on a cigarette, because you love a
:30:53. > :30:57.cigarette. Whose face is this now? That's my granddaughter Hannah. We
:30:58. > :31:03.put it on her. It looks as if it's gone a bit peculiar darling. No,
:31:04. > :31:08.nothing has happened to it. It's got its eye. A thousand times better
:31:09. > :31:12.than a BAFTA. You can have a bit of cigarette, if you like. That's one
:31:13. > :31:22.of those things you put for the moths. It's a NAFTA. There's the
:31:23. > :31:25.sign. They actually have put it in the cupboard at EastEnders along
:31:26. > :31:30.with all the other BAFTAs, the proper ones, they're very kind. It's
:31:31. > :31:33.very kind. You'll get a BAFTA. No, I won't. You have to have the
:31:34. > :31:38.opportunity to get a BAFTA. You have to have the part, don't you. You've
:31:39. > :31:43.got a good part. If I say I'd like a tomato juice, I'm not going to get a
:31:44. > :31:50.BAFTA, am I? LAUGHTER
:31:51. > :31:56.They will be so thrilled. This is a match made in heaven. I'm just
:31:57. > :31:59.complimenting her, having a quiet moment. I feel bad because I have to
:32:00. > :32:06.separate you. This is bad. You're going to sing again, I know. You
:32:07. > :32:12.have to go... I have to sing again. We want you to sing again. You're
:32:13. > :32:16.going to change your outfit. Yeah, dah. You've been wearing that for
:32:17. > :32:22.minutes. Do what you like with my body. I don't advise you to say that
:32:23. > :32:28.to everybody. APPLAUSE
:32:29. > :32:33.You know, actually, to explain the meaning of the song, just to
:32:34. > :32:41.understand, is that you know, the public can really scrutinise and
:32:42. > :32:45.harass the artist. My point is that if you're going to harass the
:32:46. > :32:51.artist, this is the death of entertainment. It's the death of
:32:52. > :32:56.show business. So, it is my way of stating my power that you can't have
:32:57. > :33:00.my heart and you can't have my mind, so do what you want with my body.
:33:01. > :33:06.That was the meaning behind it, just so you know. You're a clever girl.
:33:07. > :33:10.Also I my boyfriend is megahot and he can do whatever the heck he
:33:11. > :33:15.wants. If you want to go over there, Lady
:33:16. > :33:18.GaGa. Careful, shoes, shoes, shoes issues. Someone has to get you.
:33:19. > :33:25.Someone will catch you on the other side. ( I'm fine. I do this all the
:33:26. > :33:33.time. CHEERING
:33:34. > :33:43.Greg Davies, you're very busy at the moment. You are so busy, we're
:33:44. > :33:47.talking to him now! Your sitcom, Man Is on Channel 4 on Fridays. Gigging
:33:48. > :33:59.all the time and he has a DVD out. Yes, he does. It is being released
:34:00. > :34:09.all in one go. Yes. Splurged. A great big stream of it. Ribbons of
:34:10. > :34:17.it. What's it called? It's called the Back of my Mum's Head. Ohment --
:34:18. > :34:21.Oh. Is that your actual mother? It is my mum's head. I went to the
:34:22. > :34:26.seaside with my mum and dad and I took a picture. My mum was looking
:34:27. > :34:30.out to sea. I was looking at the land. I took a picture and it just
:34:31. > :34:35.looked like I was standing next to a massive grey microphone. That
:34:36. > :34:40.picture I had to recreate it because the picture on my phone wasn't good
:34:41. > :34:52.enough. Judging from that picture, I'm about the same height as your
:34:53. > :34:57.mum. Do you want to try it out. Lots of comedians talk about their
:34:58. > :35:03.families, but your family, if you aren't exaggerating and I think you
:35:04. > :35:09.aren't... Not at all. Your family is properly bonkers. All families are,
:35:10. > :35:12.though, aren't they? No, yours more than most. Everyone's family is a
:35:13. > :35:16.bit weird but yours, Social Services should come round. They're watching
:35:17. > :35:21.this. Is it true that you actually go round with a note book and wait
:35:22. > :35:25.for things. It's absolutely true. I don't think my family are any more
:35:26. > :35:31.bonkers than anybody else. But my dad has got history. He's provided
:35:32. > :35:36.half of my material. I don't think I should say this - yes, I will say
:35:37. > :35:41.this. My dad did a long form wind up on me a couple of years ago. My dad
:35:42. > :35:45.is a really proud Welshman. We were on a long car journey together. He
:35:46. > :35:51.said that he thought it was, and I quote, "sickening that I knew
:35:52. > :35:55.nothing about my Welsh heritage. He wanted to teach me a traditional
:35:56. > :35:56.Welsh song. Sing it. The I will, June, thank you.
:35:57. > :36:15.I think it's beautiful. HE SINGS IN WELSH
:36:16. > :36:20.Beautiful. Thank you. I thought it was beautiful. It took me ages to
:36:21. > :36:25.learn it and my dad said he was proud of me. It was one year later,
:36:26. > :36:29.one year later, that ip sang it to a Welsh friend of mine, expecting them
:36:30. > :36:36.to be impressed. And he said, "What the hell's that? I said it's a
:36:37. > :36:41.traditional Welsh hymn. He said, no, it isn't, do you know what it means.
:36:42. > :36:48.Here is the direct translation: The squirrel is under the table, ram it
:36:49. > :37:00.up my ars, the monkey is in the tree, playing with its potatoes.
:37:01. > :37:04.LAUGHTER There is a third verse, but you
:37:05. > :37:09.don't want to know what the horse is doing in the field.
:37:10. > :37:12.Nobody does. The DVD is a really funny show. Here's a taste. I was in
:37:13. > :37:17.my flat about three weeks ago, right, I went to the toilet, for a
:37:18. > :37:21.sit. Sorry, that's what was happening. I went to the toilet and
:37:22. > :37:25.if you're feeling bad, prepare to feel better about the way you look.
:37:26. > :37:31.This happened. I fulled down my trousers and pants and I started
:37:32. > :37:38.having a poo and the (BLEEP) toilet came off the wall.
:37:39. > :37:43.I was mid-hit. I had to do the walk of shame with my pants by my ankles
:37:44. > :37:49.and find the guest toilet and finish off there.
:37:50. > :37:55.Not even Elvis broke his toilet. And he died on the toilet.
:37:56. > :38:00.APPLAUSE Very good. Right enough chat. It is
:38:01. > :38:04.time for our second number tonight from Lady GaGa. In a moment, we'll
:38:05. > :38:06.have this week's stories in the famous red chair. First it is Lady
:38:07. > :38:29.GaGa! # Rocket number nine take off to the
:38:30. > :38:35.planet, Venus # Afro diety shell bikini
:38:36. > :38:51.# Garden panty, Venus # Let's plait off to a new dimension
:38:52. > :38:54.# In your bedroom # Venus,
:38:55. > :38:58.# I can't help the way I'm feeling # Goddess of love please take me to
:38:59. > :39:05.your leader # I can't help I keep on dancin
:39:06. > :39:11.# Goddess of love! Goddess of love! # Take me to your planet
:39:12. > :39:14.# Take me to your leader # Your leader, your leader
:39:15. > :39:21.# Take me to your planet # Take me to your planet
:39:22. > :39:25.# Take me to your Venus, your Venus, your Venus
:39:26. > :39:29.# When you touch me I die just a little inside
:39:30. > :39:33.# I wonder if this could be love, this could be love
:39:34. > :39:41.# Because you're out of this world # Glaxy, space and time
:39:42. > :39:49.# I wonder if this could be love # Have an ITV irwelcome back --
:39:50. > :39:52.oyster baby, act sleazy # Venus
:39:53. > :39:57.# Worship to the land, a girl from the planet, to the planet
:39:58. > :40:02.# I can't help the way I'm feeling # Goddess of love, please take me to
:40:03. > :40:09.your leader # I can't help I keep on dancin
:40:10. > :40:15.# Goddess of love! Goddess of love! # Take me to your planet
:40:16. > :40:18.# Take me to your leader, your leader, your leader
:40:19. > :40:26.# Take me to your planet # Take me to your planet
:40:27. > :40:29.# Take me to your Venus, your Venus, your Venus
:40:30. > :40:32.# When you touch me I die, just a little inside
:40:33. > :40:36.# I wonder if this could be love, this could be love
:40:37. > :40:42.# Because you're out of this world, glaxy, space and time
:40:43. > :40:50.# I wonder if this could be love, this could be love
:40:51. > :40:53.# I wonder if this could be love, could be love
:40:54. > :41:00.# Goddess of love # I wonder if this is -- this could
:41:01. > :41:04.be love, Venus # Neptune
:41:05. > :41:11.# Go # Now serve Pluto
:41:12. > :41:19.# Saturn # Jupiter
:41:20. > :41:25.# Mercury, Venus, uh ha! # Uranus
:41:26. > :41:28.# Don't you know my ais famous? # Mars
:41:29. > :41:33.# Now serve for the gods # Earth, serve for the stars!
:41:34. > :41:37.# When you touch me, I die just a little inside
:41:38. > :41:40.# I wonder if this is could be love, this could be love
:41:41. > :41:44.# Because you're out of this world # Glaxy, space and time
:41:45. > :41:50.# I wonder if this could be love, this could be love
:41:51. > :41:54.# Ooohhhhh # Wonder, if this could be love,
:41:55. > :42:03.this could be love # Goddess of love
:42:04. > :42:13.# I wonder if this could be love # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
:42:14. > :42:22.Ladies and gentleman! And her beautiful dancers. Come and join me.
:42:23. > :42:27.Quick, quick. Fly like the wind.
:42:28. > :42:30.Quick, quick, quick. You sit in there.
:42:31. > :42:36.OK. Very good. That was beautiful, Lady GaGa. Gorgeous. We particularly
:42:37. > :42:41.like that man in the pink tights. The pink tights and the guitar,
:42:42. > :42:48.genius. Take it off. Yes. Nice. Are you all
:42:49. > :42:54.right there? Yeah. Looking good. I'm just kind of sad. Why? Because I
:42:55. > :43:02.can't take June home with me. Yes, you can. World Tour featuring
:43:03. > :43:07.June Brown. Before we go, time for a story or
:43:08. > :43:13.two in the red chair. Can we squeeze one in? Who's there? Hole low. Hi.
:43:14. > :43:17.What's your name? Nigel. Are you from? I live in London, but born in
:43:18. > :43:25.Jamaica. What do you do? I'm a teacher. Of? PE. Seems unlikely, but
:43:26. > :43:33.OK. LAUGHTER
:43:34. > :43:37.Just saying. All right, Nigel. Off you go. Obviously, a lot of people
:43:38. > :43:42.don't realise I'm Jamaican. I went back for a holiday. There was a
:43:43. > :43:45.singing competition by the beach. Loads of people entered. Decided to
:43:46. > :43:49.join in and thought I could do a good job. I thought I can't go as a
:43:50. > :43:53.Jamaican. I decided to go as a tourist. They introduced me and
:43:54. > :43:59.asked my name. I said my name is Nigel and I from London (in a
:44:00. > :44:04.British accent) I said where are they playing in Jamaica... And the
:44:05. > :44:09.crowd went mental because they didn't know that a tourist could
:44:10. > :44:19.sing a Jamaican song so good and I won the contest. Yay. You can walk.
:44:20. > :44:23.Do you want to flip? Yes. Flip any way.
:44:24. > :44:35.That's the most exercise he's had... LAUGHTER
:44:36. > :44:38.One more quickly? Yes. One more. How are you? We're well, thank you. I
:44:39. > :44:43.can't say for everyone. What's your name? Robert. Where are you from?
:44:44. > :44:49.Living in London, but based in Sydney, Australia. Loving you
:44:50. > :44:54.Robert. Thanks. Off you go. My story starts when I was ten years old.
:44:55. > :45:00.Used to go down to my grandparents caravan park. When e went -- went
:45:01. > :45:03.out fishing, on the jetty. There was family, grandparents, mother and
:45:04. > :45:08.father. My ndfather over the edge of the jetty and his glasses fell off
:45:09. > :45:14.and landed in the water. We were all upset. Doesn't matter. Came back the
:45:15. > :45:18.next day, same spot. Fishing away, my grandfather caught something and
:45:19. > :45:25.he started pulling it up and pulling it up. He pulled out the octopus
:45:26. > :45:31.about the size of a soccer ball and the sun glasses were on the octopus'
:45:32. > :45:36.eyes. I don't believe you. I don't believe that story.
:45:37. > :45:42.Well done. If you would like to have a go on the red chair, you can. Go
:45:43. > :45:52.to our website. Ladies and gentleman, please thank my guests
:45:53. > :46:03.tonight: Greg Davies! Mr Jude Law! The divine, June Brown! And the one
:46:04. > :46:13.and only, Lady GaGa! Join me next time with comedian Jimmy Carr,
:46:14. > :46:18.Doctor Who's Matt Smith, and David Tennant and Robbie Williams and Emma
:46:19. > :46:24.Thompson. Goodbye!