:00:00. > :00:07.This programme contains some strong language. A top of the range Irish
:00:08. > :00:12.model, sexy exterior, looks good with the top down and ladies believe
:00:13. > :00:36.me, it will be the smoothest ride of your life. Let's start the show.
:00:37. > :00:46.Hello! APPLAUSE
:00:47. > :00:50.Hello, hello, hello! Thank you very much. You're very kind. Ladies and
:00:51. > :00:55.gentleman, we have got a packed sofa tonight. Irish actor turned
:00:56. > :01:02.Hollywood star, Colin Farrell is here! I know. Top Gear favourite,
:01:03. > :01:13.Jeremy Clarkson is on the show everybody! Brilliant comic Jo Brand
:01:14. > :01:18.is here! Showbiz legend, Sharon Osbourne is joining us, ladies and
:01:19. > :01:27.gentleman! And providing the music all the way from Canada, the
:01:28. > :01:31.fantastic Arcade Fire. APPLAUSE
:01:32. > :01:38.Great to have Colin Farrell bark on the show, star of so many great
:01:39. > :01:42.movies, like Phone Booth, and here he is in an early role. Men stripped
:01:43. > :01:49.off in the jungle, always macho, hey?
:01:50. > :01:57.I would sooner east a kangaroo testicle.
:01:58. > :02:07.Colin starred in the film version of the American show Miami vice. Here
:02:08. > :02:11.he is as Crockett and here is his partner, Tubbs. No, he's not. There
:02:12. > :02:17.they are together. Not everyone looks that good in a sports car, no.
:02:18. > :02:22.I'm a big fan of Top Gear. I do love the star in a reasonably priced car.
:02:23. > :02:29.They have all sorts of celebrities. They even asked me. They did. I'm
:02:30. > :02:33.very, very busy. So I sent my dog Madge.
:02:34. > :02:41.You may laugh, honestly, she was doing OK until she saw a squirrel.
:02:42. > :02:45.Jarm yip's not just -- Jeremy is not just mad about cars, he loves
:02:46. > :02:50.cycling. It's very popular nowadays. Even David Cameron does it. David
:02:51. > :02:58.Cameron, you are our Prime Minister, why aren't you riding with a helmet?
:02:59. > :03:04.Oh, my mistake, you are. Let's get some guests on. Later on
:03:05. > :03:10.music with Arcade Fire. First, she's my favourite brand of comic, it's Jo
:03:11. > :03:18.Brand. APPLAUSE
:03:19. > :03:23.In a gown. Hello darling. Sit yourself down. It's Jeremy Clarkson!
:03:24. > :03:27.Here he is. I'm here. Hello, Sir.
:03:28. > :03:37.How are you? I'm very well, have a seat, Sir, do. She's got the X
:03:38. > :03:45.Factor, it's Sharon Osbourne. APPLAUSE
:03:46. > :03:53.My Irish eyes are smiling, it's Colin Farrell!
:03:54. > :04:02.CHEERING AND APPLAUSE So nice to see you. You too.
:04:03. > :04:10.A warm welcome to everyone. I'm not normally nervous when I do this
:04:11. > :04:15.show, but I look at that couch and think - trouble! If I were a
:04:16. > :04:21.teacher, I would not seat you together. Why? Jo and Jeremy, did
:04:22. > :04:27.you have beef at some point? Well a small beef. Do you remember years
:04:28. > :04:37.ago... Don't remind him. Oh, I do remember, yes. A talent dinner. Ha,
:04:38. > :04:41.ha, talent, me! Some TV exec, went round the table, Jeremy was opposite
:04:42. > :04:47.me and said let's start with you Jo, how would you improve the BBC. And I
:04:48. > :04:56.said, "Sack Jeremy Clarkson." I did it for a laugh. I said I'd pan all
:04:57. > :05:01.jokes about tap upons which would mess you up. You're good now? We're
:05:02. > :05:08.fine. Sharon, I think we immediate you feud free, you have no beef. No,
:05:09. > :05:13.no, no. Only positive energy into the universe. Very good. It's scary
:05:14. > :05:20.the way you say that. I'm not feeling the positive energy. I'll
:05:21. > :05:28.make you feel better. Gaga was the last one. The gardener?
:05:29. > :05:34.The GaGa. I like my gardener. No, she's lovely. And are you
:05:35. > :05:39.getting on OK with Simon now, that's all good? I never see him, so he's
:05:40. > :05:51.fine. Colin Farrell, you're just Zen now, calm, lovely Colin now. No? You
:05:52. > :05:56.live in a happy place. There's a lot to talk about tonight. You have
:05:57. > :06:01.movie, a book, aI DVD. But we begin down the end with Jo, who ladies and
:06:02. > :06:07.gentleman, is our first and possibly only official panto guest, yes, Jo
:06:08. > :06:15.Brand... APPLAUSE
:06:16. > :06:22.It's Aladdin. It is. Weirdly I'm not Aladdin. Who are you? I am the
:06:23. > :06:30.Jeanie of the ring, cue many jokes about Spinkers. -- sfinkers to. --
:06:31. > :06:37.sphincters. Apparently there are two genies, I didn't realise that. Who
:06:38. > :06:44.else is in it? Is that Flawless? Do you know Flawless? That was a bit
:06:45. > :06:49.lukewarm. It's pressure to put yourselves under to call yourself
:06:50. > :06:54.Flawless. Who are they playing? Wait for this, they're playing the Peking
:06:55. > :07:00.police force. LAUGHTER
:07:01. > :07:08.Where is it? Yeah, can we get tickets? Where is it? This is
:07:09. > :07:12.exactly why I came here. It's in Wimbledon from December 6 to January
:07:13. > :07:16.12. The role you play, the last time this production was done, it was
:07:17. > :07:21.played by Pamela Anderson. Yes, who bases a lot of her act on me,
:07:22. > :07:29.actually. There's Pamela Anderson in her p costume. Here's you in your
:07:30. > :07:34.costume. Are you singing and dancing? After a fashion.
:07:35. > :07:40.Is it one of those pantos where you do pop songs or traditional songs?
:07:41. > :07:44.We do a mixture of pop songs and traditional songs. What are you
:07:45. > :07:48.giving us? I'm not giving a pop song or a traditional song, at one point
:07:49. > :07:56.I go, # If I were not upon the stage
:07:57. > :08:01.something else I'd rather be # If I were not upon the stage, a
:08:02. > :08:06.pole dancer I'd be # APPLAUSE
:08:07. > :08:13.I love it. You've given it away now. That was my suggestion, they vetoed
:08:14. > :08:21.it. Because of children. That woman doesn't really look like a pole. Or
:08:22. > :08:25.a dancer. Indeed. How does the couch feel about pantos? Where I live,
:08:26. > :08:29.there's an amazing theatre and they put on a fantastic panto every year.
:08:30. > :08:33.We were discussing it at work the other day because Richard Hammond is
:08:34. > :08:40.the sort of person who you know he's going to end up as Buttons. He is
:08:41. > :08:50.going there ultimately. Talking of being in panto, Sharon, you have
:08:51. > :08:57.given... I did tremendous work as a child, you know. You did. It was
:08:58. > :09:06.Cliff Richard, you were with him? Yes and Frank Guyfield. You? I was
:09:07. > :09:15.magnificent as a pigeon. Where was this? At the palladium. Yes. Wow.
:09:16. > :09:21.I've had my time in the theatre. You trained at the Gaiety. Were you in
:09:22. > :09:25.the pantos? No. I don't think they're affiliated. No, I never got
:09:26. > :09:45.the call for panto, no the yet but Christmas is coming up, and I'm not
:09:46. > :09:55.working. True, fingers crossed. Robe Jo's sphincter... I have a slot free
:09:56. > :10:03.time. I could say, "I could be a lad in." Zing! With your bean stalk.
:10:04. > :10:10.Leave it. Leave it. Hey, we must mention... I've heard
:10:11. > :10:14.it's more of a salami. I'm not interested.
:10:15. > :10:15.That's because you're bloody boring, love.
:10:16. > :10:26.Liven up a bit. I'm shutting this down. Jo Brand, we
:10:27. > :10:34.must celebrate the fabulous Getting On, which is now in America. It is.
:10:35. > :10:39.It's slightly upped the glamour combota. -- quota. Were you wined
:10:40. > :10:46.and dined by Hollywood agents? No, I didn't go over there. What, they're
:10:47. > :10:54.making your show and you didn't go? That's right. The cheque can come by
:10:55. > :11:01.post. Have you ever been? To America? No. It's fun. Is that
:11:02. > :11:04.illegal? No. So ignorant, Jo. I am ignorant, Colin, but that's why
:11:05. > :11:12.people like me. There are places in the world that I'd rather go than
:11:13. > :11:19.America. Like? All of them. Every single country in the world is
:11:20. > :11:23.better than America. Burma and the Ukraine, both of which
:11:24. > :11:33.are one billion times better than the United States.
:11:34. > :11:36.Now, talking of acting, Colin Farrell you've acted with some
:11:37. > :11:41.amazing people over the years. Couple of times. Even when you were
:11:42. > :11:45.young, you seemed unintimidated. There's a story of working with
:11:46. > :11:50.Bruce Willis, you were quite to his face. That was intimidating finding
:11:51. > :11:54.a very loud voice. I was cheeky with him. Was it a courtroom scene? Yeah,
:11:55. > :12:00.when he had trouble with that word? Yeah. He was playing the trial judge
:12:01. > :12:06.advocate, I was the defence for the accused. I stood up and with great
:12:07. > :12:16.overacting zeal said, "Objection your honour." He looked at me and
:12:17. > :12:27.went "line". I heard from the monitor, "Overruled"
:12:28. > :12:31."Overruled" I said to him that day, I said you better go home and have
:12:32. > :12:41.an early night because you have a word to learn tomorrow. To which he
:12:42. > :12:46.responded, "Fuck you, Irish." Better news. Your new film, Saving Mr Banks
:12:47. > :12:51.opens tonight across the country. There's great people in it. We spoke
:12:52. > :12:54.to Emma Thompson last week. Lovely Emma. She's gorgeous. Like you're in
:12:55. > :13:00.a different - well you are in a different film. You play her father.
:13:01. > :13:04.I play her father in flashback. We shot it in two weeks. The scenes are
:13:05. > :13:12.dropped throughout the story, as her upbringing is coming to the fore of
:13:13. > :13:16.her memory. We all assumed the woman who wrote Mary Poppins, we assumed
:13:17. > :13:21.she was born in Britain. No she was born in Australia. She had a fairly
:13:22. > :13:24.traumatic upbringing. When she was 20 she left Australia and redesigned
:13:25. > :13:30.herself and became the quintessential British woman of
:13:31. > :13:33.education and of class and dignity. I think it's interesting because
:13:34. > :13:38.it's a Disney movie and you're not the greatest dad in the world in the
:13:39. > :13:42.film. Not really, no. The film doesn't judge him. You're not the
:13:43. > :13:46.villain of the piece. No he's just a raging alcoholic who can't get his
:13:47. > :14:01.life together and suffers from an awful affliction of Mel collie and
:14:02. > :14:06.-- melncholy and affliction. There's no good-guy, bad-guy in this one. It
:14:07. > :14:10.was a sad part of the story. It's kind of where the Mary Poppins story
:14:11. > :14:16.comes from. Absolutely, what she did and what a lot of artists do, I
:14:17. > :14:21.imagine whether they're painting or writing music or whatever it may be,
:14:22. > :14:26.you channel every experience in your life in various way. What she did
:14:27. > :14:30.with Mary Poppins is she gave the children in that book a chance with
:14:31. > :14:36.their father that she never had. That's why she was so protective of
:14:37. > :14:43.the material. She never wanted Waters Disney to -- Waters Disney to
:14:44. > :14:52.-- Walt Disney to put his saccharin hands all over it. This is you and
:14:53. > :14:59.Travers, her father. It's you trying to make the best of a bad lot and
:15:00. > :15:07.start again. Everybody ready? Yes. See you soon, Katie Nana. Take care,
:15:08. > :15:25.love. Everybody ready. Walking bus, left, right, left, right. Thank you.
:15:26. > :15:35.Left, left, left, right, left. One, two, three, new town, new job, new
:15:36. > :15:41.bank, new life. Come on, my little ducklings.
:15:42. > :15:45.APPLAUSE It's really good.
:15:46. > :15:50.It's a really sweet film. Now you've got your own two little boys now. I
:15:51. > :15:58.do. You're trying to get them into Disney? Into the park? They've been
:15:59. > :16:04.banned of course. No, yeah the films. We're doing the back log.
:16:05. > :16:10.We're going back to lady and the tramp and 101 Dalmations. Are they
:16:11. > :16:15.liking them? Yeah, my little son can't stop singing
:16:16. > :16:18.# We are Siamese, if you please # They'd love the Peking police, love
:16:19. > :16:23.it. Sharon, in your book, in terms of
:16:24. > :16:24.parenting mistakes, there is a brilliant photograph where you left
:16:25. > :16:32.Ozzy holding the baby. LAUGHTER
:16:33. > :16:41.I love that picture. Is that Jack? Actually, it is.
:16:42. > :16:46.Yes. He looks terrified. Even the baby knows - this isn't right. This
:16:47. > :16:51.is not the way it's meant to be. No. I mean, there were times, children's
:16:52. > :16:56.parties, I'm going to the ladies room, come out and I hear all this
:16:57. > :17:03.screaming and Ozzy had rammed about 15 kids into the garden shed. He was
:17:04. > :17:11.doing that face in the shed and that was him entertaining the children.
:17:12. > :17:21.Jeremy, dad of three, are you like a really embarrassing father? Only
:17:22. > :17:27.when I speak. Or move. Or be in the same as them. Yeah, can
:17:28. > :17:34.you imagine how awful it would be to wake up knowing I was your father.
:17:35. > :17:40.Because your eldest girl, is she 18 now? 19. There must be gentlemen
:17:41. > :17:47.caller? There's a current very strong gentleman caller who is from
:17:48. > :17:52.Dublin. Yeah. They love him. Exactly. She's loved up. So she's
:17:53. > :17:56.very happy. Are you very happy or is that weird? Well, of course, it's
:17:57. > :18:00.weird. She was in a pram eight minutes ago. Now she has a
:18:01. > :18:04.boyfriend. But the thing is, I'm supposed to hate him. I always said
:18:05. > :18:07.you can bring anyone you like home, as long as they don't have a
:18:08. > :18:13.motorcycle. If they have a motorcycle I shall set fire to it.
:18:14. > :18:18.And if he buys another one, I shall set fire to that. They won't go on
:18:19. > :18:24.motorcycles. That was the bare bones of it. He doesn't have a motorcycle.
:18:25. > :18:29.He doesn't drive. He hasn't got a clue who I am. He's in a band. He's
:18:30. > :18:35.tremendous. They're a sweet couple. It's great. Don't you find if that
:18:36. > :18:40.person makes them happy, you're happy. She is plainly happy when
:18:41. > :18:47.he's around. That's tremendous news. I adore my children as everybody in
:18:48. > :18:52.the world does. Right answer, yeah. It would be controversial if you
:18:53. > :18:56.went, "Nah, they're all right." You were relatively old to become a mum.
:18:57. > :19:01.I was 43 when I had my first child, yes. Weren't there embarrassing
:19:02. > :19:07.incidents, well moments. Quite a few times I wasn't actually taken to be
:19:08. > :19:14.their mother but a slightly older relative. We took my daughter Eliza,
:19:15. > :19:19.when she was six, she hurt her eye and we took her to A This junior
:19:20. > :19:23.doctor came in and young Australian guy and started explaining
:19:24. > :19:31.everything to my friend, who was with me, then he turned to me and
:19:32. > :19:34.went, "And what does Nan think? Unsurprisingly Nan thought he was a
:19:35. > :19:43.twat. APPLAUSE
:19:44. > :19:49.Now. That happens a lot actually. Now, very quickly, Colin, you're not
:19:50. > :19:53.just a very responsible dad now. You're also very into the fitness,
:19:54. > :19:57.is yoga you're mad on now? Yeah, mad on it.
:19:58. > :20:02.I love it. Seriously. I know. I came in here and looked for a mat. I love
:20:03. > :20:07.it. I do it every day. For how long? An hour. Do you do it by yourself or
:20:08. > :20:11.does someone tell you what to do? Someone tells me and a group of
:20:12. > :20:16.people, strangers in a room. Is it not embarrassing? No. OK. Not when
:20:17. > :20:21.I've done the things I've done, which are highly embarrassing.
:20:22. > :20:27.Breakfast, lunch and dinner. Oh, you saw that, huh? Yeah, several times.
:20:28. > :20:31.I love Sharon. That's the worst thing about making a sex tape is
:20:32. > :20:39.that you can't blame anyone about the bad dialogue.
:20:40. > :20:45.LAUGHTER Who are you to bring that up. Now
:20:46. > :20:53.the salami thing has greater... I saw it all!
:20:54. > :21:06.Listen... Yoga. Yeah, yoga. Positions. So here's the thing, in
:21:07. > :21:11.terms of fitness, I don't know if our LA contingent are aware of this
:21:12. > :21:17.man, he's called Craig ramsy. Do you know him? He's come up with these,
:21:18. > :21:21.basically, in our busy lifestyle... Is he the silence? There was silence
:21:22. > :21:30.after you said his name. Who is he? That's what I'm going to tell you
:21:31. > :21:34.now. He's a fitness expert and he's come up with these workouts you can
:21:35. > :21:38.do in five minutes and it doesn't matter what you're doing. In the
:21:39. > :21:44.office, you can work out. These are just ways of burning calories. Why
:21:45. > :21:50.walk to the printer when you can grape vine. Left in front, left
:21:51. > :21:58.behind. LAUGHTER
:21:59. > :22:07.Work out in the shower. You know when you have a manicure,
:22:08. > :22:15.pedicure? Finishing off with grace and style. Even in the car wash.
:22:16. > :22:18.If they're detailing that car, light touches.
:22:19. > :22:41.LAUGHTER He's brilliant, I just wonder, does
:22:42. > :22:45.he have an app. We've been in touch with him to see if there were easy
:22:46. > :22:49.exercises we could do in a chat show formation. Can I say, I'm a bit
:22:50. > :22:53.worried I might have a stroke. I'm just saying that in case I die on
:22:54. > :23:00.television. I love my husband and I love my kids and goodbye.
:23:01. > :23:05.I'm having an aneurysm just thinking about it. You can get a refund for
:23:06. > :23:13.the Wimbledon theatre. Right now, he's on Skype now.
:23:14. > :23:18.Amazing. Hello. Hi? Hello Graham! Hi am -- hi.
:23:19. > :23:22.APPLAUSE We've been loving your exercises so
:23:23. > :23:26.far. Have you come up with ones we can do on the show without people
:23:27. > :23:35.noticing, just quickly? Let me explain the exercise I'm going to
:23:36. > :23:40.give you today. Can anyone else not hear him? We can all hear him, you
:23:41. > :23:45.have had a stroke. APPLAUSE
:23:46. > :23:54.Do you have an exercise for the couch? Absolutely, let's bring our
:23:55. > :23:59.booty to the front of that couch. I have no idea what you're talking
:24:00. > :24:04.about. Your arse. Come on Sharon, lean back a little bit, hold on for
:24:05. > :24:14.dear life, lift up those legs nice and high for me.
:24:15. > :24:24.For my good girl and naughty girl lift.
:24:25. > :24:32.I love you. You are amazing. You are a naughty, naughty girl, man. You
:24:33. > :24:39.know you haven't been to America... Thank you very much.
:24:40. > :24:44.Bye. Right, now Sharon, you look amazing.
:24:45. > :24:51.You look fabulous. Thank you. APPLAUSE
:24:52. > :25:00.You've been very forth coming in saying that you've had help along
:25:01. > :25:04.the way. Oh, darling, a lot. A lot. Me too. I can tell. Whatever you've
:25:05. > :25:08.had done it's good. It's worked. Yes, I hope. You know what I mean,
:25:09. > :25:18.sometimes people look terrible. But you don't look terrible. If you've
:25:19. > :25:23.had done -- work done really. ? What was the worst procedure? Having my
:25:24. > :25:31.vagina tightened. It was the worst. Did you really? It was just
:25:32. > :25:40.excruciating. What did that entail? Look at the face. What did that
:25:41. > :25:48.entail? I'll show you later. In fairness Sharon, it's only
:25:49. > :25:55.fair... I've had my vagina tightened. I did it at home with a
:25:56. > :26:01.Singer sewing machine. In between having surgery, Sharon
:26:02. > :26:05.has managed to write a book. I did it while I was recuperating, because
:26:06. > :26:10.you can't move, you see, not for a while. So I read, this is your life
:26:11. > :26:14.since 2007. I think oh, well not that much could have happened. Oh,
:26:15. > :26:21.my God! So much has happened to you since 2007. You packed it in in that
:26:22. > :26:27.time. Before we talk about it, you and Ozzy, you're fine now. Yes, yes.
:26:28. > :26:31.It's all good now. Which is great, I'm so pleased. You've been on the
:26:32. > :26:36.show and talked about your marriage. My God it has been tumultuous. It's
:26:37. > :26:43.been a long time. When you've known someone 40 years and then been with
:26:44. > :26:47.them 33, a lot happens in everyone's life. You tried to run him over. He
:26:48. > :26:51.was drunk. He didn't mean it.
:26:52. > :26:59.All these things have happened. And he can't remember it.
:27:00. > :27:06.She's had her vagina tightened. If that's not love. ... I don't know
:27:07. > :27:10.what it! You got through all this stuff and then, on your 30th
:27:11. > :27:15.anniversary, it all fell apart. Yeah. What was it, just that he
:27:16. > :27:20.relapsed, that you couldn't. He had relapsed and it was the combination
:27:21. > :27:26.again of the drugs and the drink and it was like, oh, no not again, I've
:27:27. > :27:30.got ten minutes left and am I going to spend it like this, you know? He
:27:31. > :27:36.moved out. It was over. Yeah. I moved out, yeah. And then, how did
:27:37. > :27:41.you come back together again? Because, it was down to him. He did
:27:42. > :27:46.what he was supposed to do, which is work a 12-step programme and stay
:27:47. > :27:51.clean and sober and that's what he does. So therefore, when you're
:27:52. > :27:56.using, you know, you don't know what you're doing. You become a monster.
:27:57. > :28:01.He stopped because he realised what he was going to lose. Not just me,
:28:02. > :28:06.but everything he would have lost. I've seen you together, I cannot
:28:07. > :28:10.imagine Ozzy without you. Do you know, he says we're like bread and
:28:11. > :28:17.butter. That's what we are. We fit together so perfectly. We're as one.
:28:18. > :28:22.We're a team. It's 40 years. It's like, and the hardest thing I ever
:28:23. > :28:25.had to do was to walk away. But I knew if I stayed, it would have
:28:26. > :28:30.carried on. He would have stayed clean maybe a week, two, and then it
:28:31. > :28:35.would have, oh, she's out, all right, she'll never know I've just
:28:36. > :28:40.drunk a bottle of vodka. She won't know. That's how it goes. When did
:28:41. > :28:48.you sell all his cars? When I found out that he was driving drunk. I
:28:49. > :28:53.just sold every car he had. APPLAUSE
:28:54. > :28:59.Because it's not him, it's everybody else. So as soon as I heard that, it
:29:00. > :29:04.was like, right, nobody has a car. Get him a pair of roller skates. Let
:29:05. > :29:08.him get up a hill with those. I think everyone is delighted that you
:29:09. > :29:14.are back together. You're right, you do seem to, you know, we like you
:29:15. > :29:18.together. You seem to have mellowed. We don't hear stories about the
:29:19. > :29:23.Tiffany boxes being sent any more. No, you just get past all of that.
:29:24. > :29:30.Can I ask, did they have poo in them? Yes. Really? Yes. My God. If
:29:31. > :29:35.Sharon didn't like you, then you would get a Tiffany box. You would
:29:36. > :29:40.have to open it, even if it stank. You have to open a Tiffany box. You
:29:41. > :29:45.do that white satin ribbon, open it up and there's one of Jack's
:29:46. > :29:49.towereds, it -- turds, it was brilliant. He used to say to me,
:29:50. > :29:55."Mummy, why do you make me poo in a box? I'm just like, "Behave, Jack,
:29:56. > :30:03.keep shitting." APPLAUSE
:30:04. > :30:09.The home spun wisdom. Oh, yes. Television has changed, hasn't it?
:30:10. > :30:14.You're not shy with an opinion. How badly has it back fired? How bad
:30:15. > :30:21.have reactions been? Oh, shocking. I had to punch peers Morgan. I --
:30:22. > :30:26.Piers Morgan. I broke my finger on him. If I don't get a round of
:30:27. > :30:29.applause on that... APPLAUSE
:30:30. > :30:36.Were you drunk? I'd just come off call my combluf. -- bluff. I thought
:30:37. > :30:41.he is a waste of blood and organs that man. My best was I got pied.
:30:42. > :30:45.Have you ever had a custard pie in your face, when she got me, it was a
:30:46. > :30:52.bloody good shot, about you she put too much sugar in it. It was a
:30:53. > :30:59.banoffee pie. That was quite kind. Who is she? An environmentalist. She
:31:00. > :31:04.didn't like me. I had a better bunch of environmentalists recently who
:31:05. > :31:08.threw horse crap into my rose bed as a protest. That's handy. Thank you.
:31:09. > :31:13.Well, thanks a lot. You've made my roses fantastic. I'm going to drive
:31:14. > :31:18.my Range Rover a bit more and they can throw a bit more. Being
:31:19. > :31:23.environmentalists they might have known. And then shoving a rather
:31:24. > :31:28.delicious, if rather over sugared custard pie in my face. I spend most
:31:29. > :31:34.of my life being beaten up. It is Christmas and sure enough, there's a
:31:35. > :31:40.new Top Gear DVD in the shops. Unbelievable, isn't it (! ) It's a
:31:41. > :31:44.surprise for everybody. This one is called the Perfect Road
:31:45. > :31:49.Trip. What's the idea? I remember coming up with it, we were on a
:31:50. > :31:54.mountain side in the Himalayas, told, miserable and sleeping in a
:31:55. > :31:59.tent. My pillow was full of gravel. We said wouldn't it be fun to drive
:32:00. > :32:05.from Venice to somewhere in the south of France, driving nice cars
:32:06. > :32:10.and stay in nice hotels. So we did. There's no suffering as such. Well a
:32:11. > :32:15.bit, I did rally driving. You've done that. I have. It's terrifying.
:32:16. > :32:18.Unimaginable horror. We have a clip. It's all very sunshine, palm trees,
:32:19. > :32:25.gorgeous, but you get to France and the weather turns.
:32:26. > :32:30.Hammond, do I have to do this? Yeah. It's my thing today and this is what
:32:31. > :32:47.we're doing. So to show what a good sport I am, I obliged. Oh, God. Oh,
:32:48. > :32:59.that hurts. So, discomfort... Oh, that's horrible! Danger. Misery.
:33:00. > :33:07.Cold. Swivelling around at 21mph. Oh, no! I've just had a brown
:33:08. > :33:13.shower. That really was the final straw.
:33:14. > :33:18.APPLAUSE It looks terrible. Have you done
:33:19. > :33:22.that before? Rally driving? Yes. Anyone who can do that is a witch.
:33:23. > :33:29.Could you do it? I'm not saying you're a witch, but I presume you
:33:30. > :33:36.couldn't do it? I am a bloody witch. Could I do what? Rally driving. I
:33:37. > :33:42.have my international rally driving license. Have you? I have. We have a
:33:43. > :33:47.picture of you. Keep yourself entertained. When you're behind the
:33:48. > :33:53.wheel do you suffer from road rage? Erm...... Yeah. Yeah, don't you? No.
:33:54. > :33:59.You do, Jeremy. No, never. You tweet about it. No, well I just put their
:34:00. > :34:05.number plates on Twitter. Who was the cab driver you had? I was
:34:06. > :34:09.getting a cab back from a gig in Hackney, we were at the traffic
:34:10. > :34:14.lights. This car hit us up the arse. Then just drove off because that's
:34:15. > :34:18.how it works in Hackney, apparently. The cab driver turned to me and he
:34:19. > :34:24.said the words that I'd been wanting to hear my whole life. "Do you mind
:34:25. > :34:29.if we chase him, love? That's brilliant. We had a car chase in
:34:30. > :34:33.Hackney for half an hour. It was brilliant. Really fast, wrong way up
:34:34. > :34:39.one-way streets. Sadly, we lost this car and he goes, oh, I'll have to
:34:40. > :34:46.drive you back to south London. 150 quid that cab cost me.
:34:47. > :34:50.APPLAUSE OK. It is time to some music, before
:34:51. > :34:55.we hear the stories in the big red chair, performing their latest
:34:56. > :34:56.single from the international number one album, ladies and gentleman, it
:34:57. > :35:27.is Arcade Fire. # Afterlife, oh my God, what an
:35:28. > :35:35.awful word. # After all the breath and the dirt
:35:36. > :35:43.and the fires are burnt. # And after all this time, and after
:35:44. > :35:47.all the ambulances go. # And after all the hangers-on are
:35:48. > :35:54.done hanging on to the dead lights # Of the afterglow.
:35:55. > :35:59.# I've gotta know. # Can we work it out?
:36:00. > :36:05.# We scream and shout 'till we work it out.
:36:06. > :36:09.# Can we just work it out? # Scream and shout 'till we work it
:36:10. > :36:13.out? # 'Till we work it out, 'till we
:36:14. > :36:19.work it out. # 'Till we work it out, 'till we
:36:20. > :36:27.work it out. # Afterlife, I think I saw what
:36:28. > :36:31.happens next. # It was just a glimpse of you, like
:36:32. > :36:35.looking through a window. # Or a shallow sea.
:36:36. > :36:40.# Could you see me? # And after all this time.
:36:41. > :36:45.# It's like nothing else we used to know.
:36:46. > :36:51.# After all the hangers-on are done hanging on to the dead lights.
:36:52. > :37:06.# Of the afterglow. # I've gotta know.
:37:07. > :37:14.# Can we just work it out? # Scream and shout till we work it
:37:15. > :37:16.# But you say. # Oh.
:37:17. > :37:18.# When love is gone. # Where does it go?
:37:19. > :37:22.# And you say. # Oh.
:37:23. > :37:27.# When love is gone. # Where does it go?
:37:28. > :37:38.# And where do we go? # Where do we go?
:37:39. > :37:46.# And after this. # Can it last another night?
:37:47. > :37:50.# After all the bad advice. # Had nothing at all to do with
:37:51. > :37:58.life. # I've gotta know. Out
:37:59. > :38:02.# Can we work it out # Scream and shout till we work it
:38:03. > :38:10.out # Can we just work it out?
:38:11. > :38:13.# Scream and shout till we work it out.
:38:14. > :38:16.# And you say # Oh
:38:17. > :38:21.# When love is gone # Where does it go? And you say
:38:22. > :38:27.# Oh. # When love is gone
:38:28. > :38:33.# Where does it go? # Oh.
:38:34. > :38:37.# We know it's gone, but where did it go?
:38:38. > :38:42.# Oohhh. # We know it's gone, but where did
:38:43. > :39:07.it go? # Where do we go?
:39:08. > :39:20.APPLAUSE Arcade Fire! Come and join us, do.
:39:21. > :39:31.Hello, Sir, thank you very much. Shove up. Hi everyone. Good evening.
:39:32. > :39:35.Win and Will, very good. New single off the new album Reflektor. It's
:39:36. > :39:41.done so well, number one everywhere. You are the representatives of
:39:42. > :39:44.Arcade Fire. Yeah, it's like we've landed on foreign shores, you send
:39:45. > :39:51.the representatives... To make peace. I think Sharon is our leader.
:39:52. > :39:56.I'm designating you. You've been doing some Giggs here. You were in
:39:57. > :40:01.Blackpool? Yes. All the hot spots. I tell you.
:40:02. > :40:05.They made a fake tower in Paris that looks just like a tower in
:40:06. > :40:10.Blackpool. Crazy. I love Arcade Fire because you put on a show. So many
:40:11. > :40:14.bands don't bother. Look at you, you've dressed up and painted your
:40:15. > :40:18.face and everything. I did this so I can sleep during interviews.
:40:19. > :40:21.Tips you should have learned everyone.
:40:22. > :40:25.Thank you very much for coming in. Thank you for having us It sounded
:40:26. > :40:31.great. Before we go, time for a story in the red chair. Who be
:40:32. > :40:42.there? Hello! Hi. Don't look stressed. It's all fine. Lettuce.
:40:43. > :40:47.-- What's your name? Lettuce. APPLAUSE
:40:48. > :40:57.That's a stupid name. You'd change it. Ridiculous. Who's next now that
:40:58. > :41:04.we've tossed the lettuce - ha, tossed the lettuce! Ha, ha, ha. I
:41:05. > :41:11.just thought of it. Hello. Hi, what's your name? Nathan. Fine. What
:41:12. > :41:16.do you do? Sales. What do you sell? I sell holidays. Ah, so you're like
:41:17. > :41:23.a travel agent? LAUGHTER
:41:24. > :41:30.Thanks for detailing it. Off you go with your story. I'm quite a big
:41:31. > :41:35.Clarkson fan actually. So basically, I like going out for drives. One day
:41:36. > :41:39.I thought, it would be nice to go to the Cotswolds and I went to
:41:40. > :41:45.Clarkson's house and just drove up and down a few times trying to see
:41:46. > :41:56.him and I didn't. That man's a stalker! Stalking me.
:41:57. > :42:01.It is annoying if people do it to you. Did he throw horseshit into my
:42:02. > :42:06.garden? In which case he can go on the chair again. Who's next? Sheila.
:42:07. > :42:11.Hello. How are you? Very well, thank you. Very good. What do you do? I'm
:42:12. > :42:16.a health promotion officer. So many interesting jobs tonight. I can get
:42:17. > :42:21.you doing exercise like you were talking about. Can we see your
:42:22. > :42:29.naughty girl? I will be getting my legs in the air.
:42:30. > :42:33.Sheila, off you go with your tale. One of your guests invited my
:42:34. > :42:38.daughter to a Hallowe'en party when she was about 13. So you have this
:42:39. > :42:43.vision of apple bobbing and spiders, so off we go and there's security
:42:44. > :42:49.guards and dogs and big black hands blown up ten foot either side of the
:42:50. > :42:53.front door. You go in the house and there's ghouls and ghosts. .
:42:54. > :42:59.Daughter was terrified. Then vision, cue the music and out of the ghouls
:43:00. > :43:05.and monsters comes a nun, does anybody recognise me? Is that you?
:43:06. > :43:10.Yes. It was Sharon. It's another stalker. Why were you invited to her
:43:11. > :43:17.party? Because our kids were at school together. Our kids played
:43:18. > :43:22.together. Well done, it was dull. APPLAUSE
:43:23. > :43:27.It wasn't really a story at all. Well done everyone. If you'd like to
:43:28. > :43:31.join us and have a go in the big red chair, you can contact us on our
:43:32. > :43:39.website. Thank you to my guests tonight, Arcade Fire! Jo Brand!
:43:40. > :43:46.Jeremy Clarkson! Sharon Osbourne! And Colin Farrell! Join me next week
:43:47. > :43:53.with pop legend, Sir Cliff Richard, composer Andrew LLoyd-Webber,
:43:54. > :43:59.comedian Harry Hill, bake-off Queen, Mary Berry and actor Daniel
:44:00. > :44:05.Radcliffe. See you then everybody, bye-bye.