0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language
0:00:04 > 0:00:06- Selma Hayek, you're from Mexico. - Exactly.
0:00:06 > 0:00:09- And I actually speak a "poco" of Spanish.- I see.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13So I wonder, how would I say "let's start the show" en Espanol?
0:00:13 > 0:00:16SHE SPEAKS SPANISH RAPIDLY
0:00:16 > 0:00:17LAUGHTER
0:00:21 > 0:00:23GRAHAM GASPS Oh!
0:00:26 > 0:00:28LAUGHTER
0:00:28 > 0:00:30SHE SPEAKS SPANISH RAPIDLY
0:00:32 > 0:00:33LAUGHTER
0:00:35 > 0:00:37And I just hope that they don't do
0:00:37 > 0:00:40some...some lame Silence Of The Lambs bit.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42LAUGHTER
0:00:42 > 0:00:44CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:44 > 0:00:47SHE SPEAKS SPANISH EXCITEDLY
0:00:47 > 0:00:48LAUGHTER
0:00:51 > 0:00:53Bueno. LAUGHTER
0:00:53 > 0:00:55Let's start the show!
0:00:55 > 0:00:57CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:11 > 0:01:13Oh! Oh! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:13 > 0:01:15Oh! Oh!
0:01:15 > 0:01:19APPLAUSE Welcome one, welcome all!
0:01:19 > 0:01:23You are very kind. It's compilation time, everybody!
0:01:23 > 0:01:26CHEERING Yes, it is. Oh, yeah.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27It's time to take a look back
0:01:27 > 0:01:29at some of the highlights from the past series.
0:01:29 > 0:01:33So many highlights. Starting with this.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Jack and I met on a magical night out,
0:01:36 > 0:01:37when I humiliated myself
0:01:37 > 0:01:40- more than I ever have before. - Yeah, that was...
0:01:40 > 0:01:42It was probably the best moment of my life.
0:01:42 > 0:01:46- LAUGHTER - It may be the worst of Jen's? - Worst moment of mine.
0:01:46 > 0:01:49- LAUGHTER - For the first time ever, like, in my career...
0:01:49 > 0:01:52I never assume anyone knows who I am,
0:01:52 > 0:01:57and I saw Harrison Ford and JJ Abrams
0:01:57 > 0:02:01and I was, like, "Yeah, this is fun. We're all co-workers.
0:02:01 > 0:02:05"Like I can just go..." So I was like, "Be right back, guys,
0:02:05 > 0:02:07"I'm going to go and say hi to the Star Wars dudes."
0:02:07 > 0:02:09And I approached their table, was like...
0:02:09 > 0:02:11LAUGHTER
0:02:11 > 0:02:14And they all... The whole table was just like...
0:02:14 > 0:02:15LAUGHTER
0:02:15 > 0:02:19And so I realised, while I was dancing, "They have no idea I am."
0:02:19 > 0:02:21"They have no idea who I am."
0:02:21 > 0:02:22And so I just turned around
0:02:22 > 0:02:26- and walked back...just dying. - LAUGHTER
0:02:26 > 0:02:29Cos I had done this show with Harrison Ford,
0:02:29 > 0:02:32so he's like the only A-list Hollywood star that I know.
0:02:32 > 0:02:34I mean, he's the only one that I have.
0:02:34 > 0:02:37So, she had just been blanked and I was like, "Hey, it's all right,
0:02:37 > 0:02:39- "I'll go say hi to Harrison." - LAUGHTER
0:02:39 > 0:02:42Everyone in the group was like, "Jack, don't do this.
0:02:42 > 0:02:43"You will be humiliated."
0:02:43 > 0:02:45I was like, "Nah, me and Harrison are tight."
0:02:45 > 0:02:47They genuinely had no idea.
0:02:47 > 0:02:49So I get up. I walk over and, at this point, I'm like,
0:02:49 > 0:02:52"Oh, God! Maybe he won't remember me and I will be humiliated as well."
0:02:52 > 0:02:56I walked over. And literally, as I walked over, he was like, "Hey, Jack!"
0:02:56 > 0:02:58LAUGHTER
0:02:58 > 0:03:00You're a superstar!
0:03:00 > 0:03:02- That was so funny! - APPLAUSE
0:03:02 > 0:03:05- Now, Emilia Clarke, did you get to chat with everyone backstage?- Yes.
0:03:05 > 0:03:09- Erm, yeah, kind of.- Did you get to talk to him?- Yeah, kind of.
0:03:09 > 0:03:10LAUGHTER
0:03:10 > 0:03:13Emilia Clarke loves Matt LeBlanc!
0:03:13 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:17Hi! Hi.
0:03:17 > 0:03:18LAUGHTER
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I'm actually blushing. Erm, yeah, I just think you're wicked.
0:03:22 > 0:03:24ALL: Aw!
0:03:24 > 0:03:25APPLAUSE
0:03:25 > 0:03:28Are you returning the favour? Do you watch Game Of Thrones, Matt?
0:03:28 > 0:03:31I watched it the first season and then I kind of fell out of it.
0:03:31 > 0:03:33- And I tried to watch it this season. - That's OK. That's OK.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35And I don't know what's going on. I can't keep up.
0:03:35 > 0:03:37There's lots of stuff going on.
0:03:37 > 0:03:40- There's so much going on.- Yeah, there is. There really is. It's OK.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45- LAUGHTER - It's all right.- I could lie, but I don't want to lie.- No. No, no, no.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48You've seen the good bits. You've seen the first season.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50- LAUGHTER - Is it all downhill?
0:03:50 > 0:03:53- I will watch, I promise.- No, I know.
0:03:53 > 0:03:56- I do have one slight request from you, though.- What's that?
0:03:56 > 0:03:58So, would you be able to ask me how I'm doing?
0:03:58 > 0:04:01Oh, let's do that.
0:04:01 > 0:04:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:03 > 0:04:05Oh.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08You can say no. Everyone'll hate you, but you can say no.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Yeah, yeah, yeah. No. Yes.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Well, since, you know, I haven't been up to speed on the show,
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- I will say...- Thank you. - How you doing?
0:04:16 > 0:04:18CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:04:18 > 0:04:21- I caught that from back here. - It works!- Yes, very well.
0:04:21 > 0:04:24What's really embarrassing is, when Matt walked out,
0:04:24 > 0:04:25I went, "How you doing?"
0:04:25 > 0:04:27LAUGHTER
0:04:27 > 0:04:29And then I was like, "Oh, shut up! What are you doing?!"
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Is it true, Samuel L Jackson,
0:04:31 > 0:04:33takes aren't a thing... You're not keen on...
0:04:33 > 0:04:36I'm here to bear witness to the fact that Sam likes to move fast. Yeah.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38LAUGHTER
0:04:38 > 0:04:41- Very true. - LAUGHTER
0:04:41 > 0:04:44I don't... I don't vary that much. I'm not that actor.
0:04:44 > 0:04:46I do the same thing all the time.
0:04:46 > 0:04:48But sometimes, and I can speak from experience...
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Like Sam is so charismatic...
0:04:51 > 0:04:55and he has been for as many years as you've been making movies.
0:04:55 > 0:04:58- And sometimes... - LAUGHTER
0:04:58 > 0:05:00But sometimes you're in a scene with Sam
0:05:00 > 0:05:02and you just kind of go out of the scene
0:05:02 > 0:05:04and you're just watching Sam being Sam.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06And it's really powerful and you go,
0:05:06 > 0:05:08"Hang on a second, what's my line?"
0:05:08 > 0:05:09LAUGHTER
0:05:09 > 0:05:13I've only had that... Well, I was doing a movie with Dustin Hoffman
0:05:13 > 0:05:15and, in the middle of the shot,
0:05:15 > 0:05:19Dustin just stops and goes, "Wait. Cut. Cut. Sam, I saw you."
0:05:19 > 0:05:22I said, "You saw me what?" He said, "I saw you say to yourself,
0:05:22 > 0:05:24" 'Oh, my God! That's Dustin Hoffman!' "
0:05:24 > 0:05:26LAUGHTER
0:05:26 > 0:05:27APPLAUSE
0:05:27 > 0:05:29I was like...
0:05:29 > 0:05:32- "Shut up!" - APPLAUSE
0:05:32 > 0:05:37Now, another addition to the cast, our good friend Chris Hemsworth.
0:05:37 > 0:05:38- Yes.- I mean...
0:05:38 > 0:05:42Now, I think...I think I've got a picture of Chris Hemsworth.
0:05:42 > 0:05:45- Do I?- Is he crying?- I do. I do, yes.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47WOMEN SCREAM
0:05:47 > 0:05:49GRAHAM LAUGHS
0:05:49 > 0:05:51That's just him coming out of the trailer.
0:05:51 > 0:05:54- That's him coming out of the trailer.- It's too much.
0:05:54 > 0:05:56- It's crazy, isn't it?- I just...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58At a certain point, I thought,
0:05:58 > 0:06:02"I have never rooted for someone maybe to be just an unbelievable jerk."
0:06:02 > 0:06:07- I just needed something to be wrong with him. - And there was nothing.- Nothing.
0:06:07 > 0:06:10And, for the four of you, it must be annoying,
0:06:10 > 0:06:13because you kind of think, "We're very funny and here's this hunk."
0:06:13 > 0:06:15- He's annoyingly funny. - He's hilarious.
0:06:15 > 0:06:18We were like, "Did you bring writers or something?"
0:06:18 > 0:06:20Cos he was killing it. Like, killing it.
0:06:20 > 0:06:24He was funny like a guy that had to fight his way off the playground his whole life,
0:06:24 > 0:06:27and he had to be funny so he didn't get his ass kicked.
0:06:27 > 0:06:30- Which is... I mean, it was very strange.- That's how funny he was.
0:06:30 > 0:06:34And, at one point, he started... I don't know, we were talking about music or playing something,
0:06:34 > 0:06:38and I said, "What song are you talking about?" And he started singing.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40And I did not mean to, but very...
0:06:40 > 0:06:43It was deep and guttural, I was like, "You shut up!"
0:06:43 > 0:06:45LAUGHTER
0:06:45 > 0:06:46"Will you shut up, Chris?"
0:06:46 > 0:06:51Because, also, he started to sound like a songbird.
0:06:51 > 0:06:53It was like, "You can't have another thing!"
0:06:53 > 0:06:56I said, "Can you sing?" And he was like, "Well, I can carry a tune."
0:06:56 > 0:06:59- I was like, "You shut up!" - LAUGHTER
0:06:59 > 0:07:03I'm going to pretend you're a terrible singer, so I know you're human.
0:07:03 > 0:07:05I bet he doesn't even have boogers.
0:07:05 > 0:07:08- I bet it's just a hollow tube. - It's a hollow tube.
0:07:08 > 0:07:11Or, if he does have boogers, they taste like cornflakes.
0:07:11 > 0:07:12LAUGHTER
0:07:12 > 0:07:14APPLAUSE
0:07:15 > 0:07:18Mmm! Crispy. Crispy like that, too.
0:07:18 > 0:07:20- Yeah.- Yeah.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23Russell Crowe, what was the thing with Michael Jackson?
0:07:23 > 0:07:25- This is such an odd story.- What?!
0:07:25 > 0:07:29Oh, he just got into the habit of, wherever I was staying,
0:07:29 > 0:07:30he's just call the hotel
0:07:30 > 0:07:33and ask for my room and put on funny voices.
0:07:33 > 0:07:36I actually... Yeah, I know.
0:07:36 > 0:07:38I'd never met him, you know.
0:07:38 > 0:07:39LAUGHTER
0:07:39 > 0:07:42And, the thing is, the first couple of people that I said it to,
0:07:42 > 0:07:45I was like... I didn't want to sound like I was insane, right?
0:07:45 > 0:07:49But... "Michael prank called me today."
0:07:49 > 0:07:52But when I actually started talking to people who really knew him well,
0:07:52 > 0:07:54they'd go, "Man, he does it all the time."
0:07:54 > 0:07:58But, yeah, it was like... I used to do that when I was like 11 and 12.
0:07:58 > 0:08:01I used to pretend I was a radio announcer
0:08:01 > 0:08:03and, like, give people prizes on the phone.
0:08:03 > 0:08:07Trips to the Fiji and all this sort of the stuff, and they would get excited, you know.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Then I'd just hang up and go, "Well, that was a job well done.
0:08:10 > 0:08:12- "I made that person..." - LAUGHTER
0:08:12 > 0:08:15- But yeah.- Who did Michael Jackson pretend to be?
0:08:15 > 0:08:18He would...always start off being kind of gruff,
0:08:18 > 0:08:21like he was the hotel management and there was some kind of problem.
0:08:21 > 0:08:24I'd say that's less surprising than saying you're Michael Jackson.
0:08:24 > 0:08:28- LAUGHTER - Right. And then, if I got kind of irritated, he'd go...
0:08:28 > 0:08:30HE MIMICS MICHAEL LAUGHING
0:08:30 > 0:08:33Oh, Russell, it's only Michael.
0:08:33 > 0:08:35LAUGHTER
0:08:35 > 0:08:36APPLAUSE
0:08:38 > 0:08:39APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT GRAHAM
0:08:39 > 0:08:41Is that real?
0:08:41 > 0:08:44But when people travel, you know, they collect things,
0:08:44 > 0:08:46postcards, dolls in national dress,
0:08:46 > 0:08:49but you collect animals,
0:08:49 > 0:08:51like living animals.
0:08:51 > 0:08:54Well, no, I don't collect them, I rescue them.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56- Oh, OK.- I rescue them.
0:08:56 > 0:09:00So did you "rescue" anything when you were in Sicily and Tuscany?
0:09:00 > 0:09:05Not in that one, but in the movie I did right after, in Bulgaria, I did.
0:09:05 > 0:09:09- OK.- And I had...I had promised my husband I was going to stop,
0:09:09 > 0:09:12because, at that time, I had ten dogs,
0:09:12 > 0:09:18five parrots, I had alpacas, horses, cats.
0:09:18 > 0:09:21And, by the way, one without a tail,
0:09:21 > 0:09:24- the other one without a leg, you know. - LAUGHTER
0:09:24 > 0:09:26And always they find me.
0:09:26 > 0:09:29They come to me, these animals, which he doesn't believe me,
0:09:29 > 0:09:31but they do, and I promise him, "No more."
0:09:31 > 0:09:35OK? We were up to 30 animals,
0:09:35 > 0:09:37- I...I swore no more. - LAUGHTER
0:09:37 > 0:09:40And I was there and a little puppy,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43who was abandoned and was going to die,
0:09:43 > 0:09:45I won't tell you the sad story,
0:09:45 > 0:09:47because it's a comedic show and I'll start crying,
0:09:47 > 0:09:51he came to me and I couldn't help it and I picked him up.
0:09:51 > 0:09:57And his name is Ochoa, after the goalie of the soccer team in Mexico,
0:09:57 > 0:09:59it was the World Cup.
0:09:59 > 0:10:01And I took him and then I was terrified,
0:10:01 > 0:10:05"How am I going to explain this to my husband? I promised. I promised."
0:10:05 > 0:10:08And so I came up with this brilliant idea
0:10:08 > 0:10:11- to pretend that I was having an affair.- Hmm.
0:10:11 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:14- And then...- With Ochoa?
0:10:14 > 0:10:17No, with somebody to make him think I was having an affair
0:10:17 > 0:10:19and, at the end, I would say, "No, it's not an affair,
0:10:19 > 0:10:21"I picked up a dog." And then we would feel better...
0:10:21 > 0:10:25- LAUGHTER - ..that I picked up a dog and was not having an affair.- This is clever.
0:10:25 > 0:10:27- It's a good plan. - So I left him a message,
0:10:27 > 0:10:32"You must call me at this time. We need to talk, it's very important."
0:10:32 > 0:10:35And I never do that. And this time, "OK, what happened? What happened?"
0:10:35 > 0:10:39And I said, "Listen, I feel so terrible,
0:10:39 > 0:10:42"I don't know how to say this to you.
0:10:42 > 0:10:46"And I know this is not going to go down well,
0:10:46 > 0:10:50- "and I'm really nervous. And, please, have mercy on me. - LAUGHTER
0:10:50 > 0:10:53"Have patience and be understanding."
0:10:53 > 0:10:56"It's just it's been so stressful and I'm so tired!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59"And I was so lonely here for so many days!
0:10:59 > 0:11:03"And, you know, you do crazy things when you're in this state!"
0:11:03 > 0:11:05And he said to me,
0:11:05 > 0:11:07"Oh, please, don't tell me you picked up another dog?!"
0:11:07 > 0:11:09LAUGHTER
0:11:09 > 0:11:10APPLAUSE
0:11:13 > 0:11:16There's a thing in the... in the DVD extras.
0:11:16 > 0:11:18There's a thing where you're directing the film,
0:11:18 > 0:11:22- but there's a bit where you're having to direct wolves.- Yeah.
0:11:22 > 0:11:25And you were having to encourage the wolves.
0:11:25 > 0:11:27- Sit!- Yeah. LAUGHTER
0:11:27 > 0:11:29Yeah, well, you know... I tell you...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32I remember when we got these wolves, they were real wolves,
0:11:32 > 0:11:35and I don't know, you ever think of like a salesman
0:11:35 > 0:11:38who, you know, carpet... Carpet thing?
0:11:38 > 0:11:41- Vacuum cleaners.- Vacuum cleaner guy. - LAUGHTER
0:11:41 > 0:11:45- You're fired.- Yeah. - You're the worst salesman ever.
0:11:45 > 0:11:46LAUGHTER
0:11:46 > 0:11:49But you always see them and they come into your house
0:11:49 > 0:11:52and they throw ashes and shit like that.
0:11:52 > 0:11:56And they go like that and it... and it cleans it perfectly.
0:11:56 > 0:11:58And then you call all your friends over
0:11:58 > 0:12:01and you throw the same shit on the floor and a stain is there.
0:12:01 > 0:12:02LAUGHTER
0:12:02 > 0:12:05And so, when I met the guy with the wolves,
0:12:05 > 0:12:07he showed me how they would behave.
0:12:07 > 0:12:10You know, he would push a button and the wolf would come over here.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Well, when I got out there,
0:12:12 > 0:12:14those wolves didn't do shit, just like the vacuum.
0:12:14 > 0:12:19- I was 10 days over schedule 30 days into the movie.- Ohh!
0:12:19 > 0:12:23And...they said, "Well, what are you going to do?" I said, "I'm not going
0:12:23 > 0:12:25"to change the name of the movie, I've got to figure out..."
0:12:25 > 0:12:27Dances With Dogs! LAUGHTER
0:12:27 > 0:12:32So... You know, when it's your money, you make everything how...
0:12:32 > 0:12:35You make them, you know...
0:12:35 > 0:12:39- It's... You just do what you have to do.- They like having their belly rubbed, apparently.
0:12:39 > 0:12:41- What's that?- They like their belly being rubbed.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44- No, it's true. - Doesn't everyone?- Yeah.
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Yeah. No, but these are real wolves.
0:12:46 > 0:12:47No, the real wolves do.
0:12:47 > 0:12:51My girlfriend got me a present to go with these wolves.
0:12:51 > 0:12:53They weren't tame, but they were socialised.
0:12:53 > 0:12:57- And they were... No, that means they just don't kill you.- Yeah.
0:12:57 > 0:13:00And they were huge. And they liked having their belly rubbed.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03- LAUGHTER - I've tickled a wolf's belly.
0:13:03 > 0:13:07- Was it the belly you were tickling? - I... Oh! - LAUGHTER
0:13:07 > 0:13:09APPLAUSE
0:13:09 > 0:13:11CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:13:11 > 0:13:12LAUGHTER
0:13:15 > 0:13:17When you were making this movie, where did the dog...?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20- The dog isn't in the film.- What dog?
0:13:20 > 0:13:21You had a dog, didn't you?
0:13:21 > 0:13:26- Oh, no, I found a dog on the... on the film.- OK.
0:13:26 > 0:13:29Would you like me to tell that story?
0:13:29 > 0:13:32- Yeah.- OK. - LAUGHTER
0:13:32 > 0:13:33I can give it a go, if you want.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35LAUGHTER
0:13:36 > 0:13:39A big old dog it was, guys.
0:13:39 > 0:13:42- Big old dog. - LAUGHTER
0:13:42 > 0:13:43Three legs.
0:13:43 > 0:13:46- All right?- Yeah, that's about right.
0:13:46 > 0:13:48- LAUGHTER - No, the...
0:13:48 > 0:13:53So I was staying at this sort of go-to-movie-guy house in Atlanta,
0:13:53 > 0:13:56where, when they showed me the house, they were like,
0:13:56 > 0:13:59- "Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus just stayed here, so..."- Hmm!
0:13:59 > 0:14:02- And they gave me one of these, you know? - LAUGHTER
0:14:02 > 0:14:05I thought that was untoward. And...
0:14:05 > 0:14:07But they were very precious about the house.
0:14:07 > 0:14:10What I didn't realise was that there was a strict no dogs policy,
0:14:10 > 0:14:13and then I was going to work one morning, and there's a little dog.
0:14:13 > 0:14:18It's below zero, and I thought, oh, what harm can it do?
0:14:18 > 0:14:19And I let it in the house.
0:14:19 > 0:14:22When I came back from work,
0:14:22 > 0:14:23it was like a faecal Jackson Pollock.
0:14:23 > 0:14:26LAUGHTER
0:14:26 > 0:14:28It was just...
0:14:28 > 0:14:31It was everywhere! Know what I mean? It was, like, did he have help?
0:14:31 > 0:14:33LAUGHTER
0:14:33 > 0:14:36I was like, like looking up, like, "Did you get a ladder?"
0:14:36 > 0:14:39How did he...? How does he...? How is he still alive?
0:14:39 > 0:14:41LAUGHTER
0:14:41 > 0:14:44And so then I had to clean it all up and then I had to hide the dog,
0:14:44 > 0:14:48and I spent like two weeks hiding this dog, and, you know,
0:14:48 > 0:14:50when it was over, the last day, I didn't know what
0:14:50 > 0:14:53- I was going to do with it, and actually your driver, Bo...- Mm-hm.
0:14:53 > 0:14:57..said that his father had just lost his dog of 16 years,
0:14:57 > 0:14:59and so Bo took this little dog,
0:14:59 > 0:15:01and he went and lived on a lake with 100 acres,
0:15:01 > 0:15:04and he went to, you know, literally, dog heaven.
0:15:04 > 0:15:06- AUDIENCE: AWW. GRAHAM: Aww. - That's a nice story.
0:15:06 > 0:15:08- That's a lovely story.- Yeah, it is. APPLAUSE
0:15:10 > 0:15:12That's sort of euphemistic for, "killed him."
0:15:12 > 0:15:16- That's what they told Ryan. - Living in 100 acres now!
0:15:16 > 0:15:17With Bo's dad!
0:15:17 > 0:15:19So dead, that dog.
0:15:19 > 0:15:20LAUGHTER
0:15:24 > 0:15:29- And, Seth Rogen, you've worked with an actual tiger?- I did, yeah.
0:15:29 > 0:15:32- But like a real, real tiger, or...? - A real tiger! Yeah.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34It was very counterintuitive, I'll be honest.
0:15:34 > 0:15:35LAUGHTER
0:15:35 > 0:15:37Yeah, I made a movie called The Interview,
0:15:37 > 0:15:40that almost started a war, you might have heard of it.
0:15:40 > 0:15:41- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE LAUGHING:- Oh, man!
0:15:41 > 0:15:43That must have been the oddest time for you.
0:15:43 > 0:15:45- It was a horrible experience, yes. - Yeah.
0:15:45 > 0:15:47It's bad to be blamed for almost starting a war.
0:15:47 > 0:15:48LAUGHTER
0:15:48 > 0:15:51- It's not fun.- Yeah. - It's super weird.
0:15:51 > 0:15:55- But part of the weirdness was you actually wrote a scene...- Yeah.
0:15:55 > 0:15:57- You wrote this.- Yes. - With a real tiger.- I wrote... Yes.
0:15:57 > 0:15:59And we thought we'd be able to use visual effects,
0:15:59 > 0:16:02like in Life Of Pi, and have a computer-generated tiger,
0:16:02 > 0:16:04and then we realised that we had no money,
0:16:04 > 0:16:08and so we had to get a real tiger from Toronto.
0:16:08 > 0:16:10LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:11- A nicer tiger.- I asked the...
0:16:11 > 0:16:13No, I actually asked the guy where the tiger came from,
0:16:13 > 0:16:16and he said he got it from a stripper, which is...
0:16:16 > 0:16:17LAUGHTER
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- ..crazy!- That's quite the act. - I said so myself! A stripper and a tiger...- Where to tip, though?
0:16:21 > 0:16:24Yeah! Exactly. Don't touch her!
0:16:24 > 0:16:25LAUGHTER
0:16:26 > 0:16:29And the tiger trainer, God bless him,
0:16:29 > 0:16:33if you were to make a list of things you do not want to hear a tiger trainer say,
0:16:33 > 0:16:36he systematically ticked every single thing on that list.
0:16:36 > 0:16:37LAUGHTER
0:16:37 > 0:16:40He would be, like... We'd be, like, is it safe?
0:16:40 > 0:16:42He'd be like, "Well, they ARE killing machines." You know.
0:16:42 > 0:16:44- LAUGHTER - OK, that's cool.
0:16:44 > 0:16:47And he's... So we're like, "Is this going to be OK to shoot?"
0:16:47 > 0:16:50He's like, "Yeah! You don't plan on shooting this at night?"
0:16:50 > 0:16:53We're, like, "Yeah, it's at night." "Well, they hunt at night."
0:16:53 > 0:16:54LAUGHTER
0:16:54 > 0:16:56We're like, "Is it more dangerous at night?"
0:16:56 > 0:16:58He's like, "It's around 30 to 40% more dangerous."
0:16:58 > 0:17:00LAUGHTER
0:17:00 > 0:17:02And we're like, "30 to 40% more than what?"
0:17:02 > 0:17:04Like, "What's our baseline tiger level of danger?"
0:17:04 > 0:17:05LAUGHTER
0:17:05 > 0:17:08He's like, "As long as it's not in a big open space."
0:17:08 > 0:17:09And we're like, "It IS in a big open space."
0:17:09 > 0:17:10LAUGHTER
0:17:10 > 0:17:15Then we were just, "Should we not do this?" Like, should we just not do it? And there was, I'm not joking,
0:17:15 > 0:17:1715 seconds of silence.
0:17:17 > 0:17:18And he goes, "No, we can do it!"
0:17:18 > 0:17:21LAUGHTER
0:17:21 > 0:17:24And then the trainer's son, who was 18 years old,
0:17:24 > 0:17:25was the guy who was training it,
0:17:25 > 0:17:28and we were, like, "Why is your 18-year-old son doing it?"
0:17:28 > 0:17:31He was like, "He has a much better relationship with the tiger."
0:17:31 > 0:17:33LAUGHTER
0:17:33 > 0:17:34And there was one moment,
0:17:34 > 0:17:37he got in a fight with his dad while they're holding the tiger.
0:17:37 > 0:17:39And he's there like, "Shut up, Dad! I'm doing this!"
0:17:39 > 0:17:42And we're just like, "There's a fucking tiger here right now!"
0:17:42 > 0:17:44LAUGHTER
0:17:44 > 0:17:47- No-one got killed by the tiger. - Hurray!- Thank you.- Happy ending.
0:17:47 > 0:17:49APPLAUSE
0:17:49 > 0:17:50LAUGHTER
0:17:50 > 0:17:52Now, Hugh Grant, let me talk about your co-stars.
0:17:52 > 0:17:55You're quite open about talking about your colleagues.
0:17:55 > 0:17:58I don't know if you remember, you gave an interview to Elle magazine,
0:17:58 > 0:18:02and they asked you about your various leading ladies.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04Do you remember some of the things you said about them?
0:18:04 > 0:18:06- I think it was regrettable. - LAUGHTER
0:18:08 > 0:18:11Well, Emma Thompson - clever, funny, mad as a chair.
0:18:11 > 0:18:12LAUGHTER
0:18:12 > 0:18:14- That's true, you know Emma. - Yes, in fairness...
0:18:14 > 0:18:15LAUGHTER
0:18:15 > 0:18:17..quite a mad chair.
0:18:17 > 0:18:18LAUGHTER
0:18:18 > 0:18:21Renee Zellweger - delightful, also far from sane.
0:18:21 > 0:18:22LAUGHTER
0:18:22 > 0:18:24Fair.
0:18:24 > 0:18:25LAUGHTER
0:18:25 > 0:18:27- She is, I mean, she is genuinely lovely.- Yeah.
0:18:27 > 0:18:29But her e-mails are 48 pages long.
0:18:29 > 0:18:31LAUGHTER
0:18:31 > 0:18:33- Wow!- Can't understand a word of them.
0:18:33 > 0:18:35- I'll put them on Twitter.- Do!
0:18:35 > 0:18:37LAUGHTER
0:18:37 > 0:18:40Sandra Bullock is a genius, a German, but too many dogs.
0:18:40 > 0:18:43- LAUGHTER - Way too many dogs! Yeah.
0:18:43 > 0:18:45Then we get into a run of these.
0:18:45 > 0:18:47Julianne Moore - brilliant actress, loathes me.
0:18:47 > 0:18:49LAUGHTER
0:18:49 > 0:18:52- Yes.- Rachel Weisz - clever, beautiful, despises me.- Yes, yes.
0:18:52 > 0:18:54Drew Barrymore - made her cry, hates me.
0:18:54 > 0:18:55LAUGHTER
0:18:55 > 0:18:58- That can't be true. - No, no, no.- Erm...
0:18:58 > 0:19:00- Well, Julianne definitely hates me. - LAUGHTER
0:19:00 > 0:19:02No, Rachel Weisz, I think we got on fine.
0:19:02 > 0:19:04I don't know why I said that.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06Maybe I was going for a comedy triple, I don't know.
0:19:06 > 0:19:07LAUGHTER
0:19:08 > 0:19:12- I don't know. Who was the third one? - Drew Barrymore.
0:19:12 > 0:19:14She made the mistake of giving me notes, which...
0:19:14 > 0:19:16How would you take that?
0:19:16 > 0:19:18- Well...- When you're acting with someone...
0:19:18 > 0:19:20I took them very well, didn't I?
0:19:20 > 0:19:23LAUGHTER
0:19:23 > 0:19:25APPLAUSE
0:19:25 > 0:19:26Wowser!
0:19:26 > 0:19:29APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:19:29 > 0:19:32I'm kidding! I'm kidding, I'm kidding, I'm kidding!
0:19:32 > 0:19:34- But they believed you, they believed you!- Oh, no, no, no.
0:19:34 > 0:19:36LAUGHTER
0:19:36 > 0:19:38But here's an interesting question I meant to ask you,
0:19:38 > 0:19:42all these months and never dared. Are you ever nervous?
0:19:42 > 0:19:44Were you ever nervous?
0:19:44 > 0:19:45- You DID ask me that.- Did I?- Yes.
0:19:45 > 0:19:47- And what was your answer? - Every day you asked me that.
0:19:47 > 0:19:50LAUGHTER
0:19:50 > 0:19:52"Aren't you nervous?" "No, I'm..."
0:19:52 > 0:19:53LAUGHTER
0:19:53 > 0:19:56"It's the second week, I'm not nervous, obviously!"
0:19:56 > 0:19:59No, I get nervous. I get nervous on chat shows. Chat shows are hard.
0:19:59 > 0:20:02- Oh, stop it.- You're a genius, I don't know how you do it.
0:20:02 > 0:20:06You put the most uptight people at relaxed, but it is very tough.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09- But you ARE all relaxed, you're nice.- I'm really uptight still!
0:20:09 > 0:20:11LAUGHTER
0:20:11 > 0:20:13And Batman v Superman.
0:20:13 > 0:20:16Of course, the world is very excited to see these films,
0:20:16 > 0:20:19but, Ben, it sounds like your son is very excited.
0:20:19 > 0:20:22Because how cool...? His dad is Batman!
0:20:22 > 0:20:23Like, how old is he, is he four?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26- Yes, he's four, he's four years old. - So does he kind of think you are?
0:20:26 > 0:20:29He actually, not even kind of, he believes that I'm Batman.
0:20:29 > 0:20:32I've kind of set a sort of trap for myself,
0:20:32 > 0:20:34because I showed him some of the clips, and the stuff,
0:20:34 > 0:20:37and I told him, "Yeah, you know, I'm Batman,"
0:20:37 > 0:20:39and so now, he thinks, like, his dad is Batman.
0:20:39 > 0:20:41- LAUGHTER - Now, when I leave the house,
0:20:41 > 0:20:43he's like, "Are you going to the Batcave?"
0:20:43 > 0:20:45LAUGHTER
0:20:45 > 0:20:47And I have do tell him, "Yup, I'm going to the Batcave!"
0:20:47 > 0:20:49- LAUGHTER - And I'm sure that, you know,
0:20:49 > 0:20:52it's going to come back to haunt me when he's in therapy.
0:20:52 > 0:20:55- Going, like, "HE LIED TO ME! - LAUGHTER
0:20:55 > 0:20:56- "THE BATMAN!" - LAUGHTER
0:20:56 > 0:20:59- But didn't you give him like the best birthday party, though?- I did.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02He wanted to have a superhero party, you know,
0:21:02 > 0:21:04and that's usually where you pay some guys who dress up,
0:21:04 > 0:21:07like on Hollywood Boulevard, as various superheroes,
0:21:07 > 0:21:09and they come and do pantomime things,
0:21:09 > 0:21:10and I said sure, no problem.
0:21:10 > 0:21:13And he said, "Dad, I want you to be REAL Batman."
0:21:14 > 0:21:17So I said, "OK. I'll be real Batman."
0:21:17 > 0:21:18And I called the studio,
0:21:18 > 0:21:20and asked them if they would give me the real costume,
0:21:20 > 0:21:23and they sent costumers over, and I...
0:21:23 > 0:21:26It was ten in the morning, you know, it was really hot,
0:21:26 > 0:21:29and I put the outfit on, it was broad daylight, and...
0:21:29 > 0:21:31You know, Batman's sexy at night.
0:21:31 > 0:21:33LAUGHTER
0:21:33 > 0:21:35He's not that cool at ten in the morning
0:21:35 > 0:21:37when you're sweaty and hot and...
0:21:37 > 0:21:40I was prepared for, thinking it was a lot of little kids,
0:21:40 > 0:21:43but then I realised they all brought their parents.
0:21:43 > 0:21:44LAUGHTER
0:21:44 > 0:21:46So it was sort of like being on this show in broad daylight
0:21:46 > 0:21:49in my Batman outfit, with my scary voice.
0:21:49 > 0:21:52I came trundling out there, and I walked out
0:21:52 > 0:21:56and I saw the look on all these adults' faces kind of going, wow!
0:21:56 > 0:21:58LAUGHTER
0:21:58 > 0:22:01- MOCKING:- Batman! - LAUGHTER
0:22:01 > 0:22:03- Great! - APPLAUSE
0:22:03 > 0:22:06- AS BATMAN:- Leave me alone! It's important to my son!
0:22:06 > 0:22:08LAUGHTER
0:22:08 > 0:22:11- Now, Joanna brought to AbFab all your modelling experience.- Mm.
0:22:11 > 0:22:14And, because only you know, you, as a model,
0:22:14 > 0:22:17when you look through the old shots, you are incredible,
0:22:17 > 0:22:19because you would work, you were quite prop-y as a model.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21JENNIFER LAUGHS
0:22:21 > 0:22:24- Oh, show me something. Fruit? - Fruit.- Fruit, smiling at fruit.
0:22:24 > 0:22:27No, no, wait, no, no, you can work on the car! Look, here's some shots.
0:22:27 > 0:22:31- Smile.- That's me! - Yeah, working a car!- Working a car!
0:22:31 > 0:22:33Accessorising a car with your shoes.
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- Yep!- Which is hard to do.
0:22:35 > 0:22:37That's actually a handbag, it's not a car.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39LAUGHTER
0:22:39 > 0:22:40And that was a little black wig.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43We had to provide all our own wigs and hairpieces.
0:22:43 > 0:22:46Then, she's rocking a motorbike. SHE GASPS
0:22:46 > 0:22:49- Ohh!- Look at that! AUDIENCE HOLLERS
0:22:49 > 0:22:51- NOW you want to buy that motorbike, don't you?- Yes!
0:22:51 > 0:22:54That wasn't when I was modelling, that was when I was really old.
0:22:54 > 0:22:56- I was 40, there.- Really?! - What are you doing that for?
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- How old are you now? - I was just doing...
0:22:58 > 0:23:00LAUGHTER
0:23:02 > 0:23:04Honestly!
0:23:04 > 0:23:06LAUGHTER
0:23:06 > 0:23:10- The final edit hasn't been done on the film, Rebel. Final edit...- Yes!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13We know where that pineapple might end up.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15LAUGHTER
0:23:15 > 0:23:18The truth is that was a picture for something completely different,
0:23:18 > 0:23:19but that was after I was a model.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22- Only modelled from when I was 18 to 21.- What the hell was that for?
0:23:22 > 0:23:24That was a picture, it was for, funnily enough,
0:23:24 > 0:23:26it was for something like Children In Need,
0:23:26 > 0:23:30and it was... Those are Valentine's Day things, and the dress was
0:23:30 > 0:23:32sold in aid, and that was Patrick Lichfield's motorbike.
0:23:32 > 0:23:35Cos, when I look at that photo, I think Children In Need.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37LAUGHTER
0:23:45 > 0:23:48When I was teaching, I went home one weekend,
0:23:48 > 0:23:52and I was in my 30s, and I was probably 33 years of age.
0:23:52 > 0:23:56I went home to see my mother, and then I went back,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58and, while I was at home, my mother did my washing for me,
0:23:58 > 0:23:59because I was only 33.
0:23:59 > 0:24:01LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:04And then I went back and, on the Sunday night,
0:24:04 > 0:24:08I got really drunk and then I went for a curry.
0:24:08 > 0:24:10And then, the next day, I went into school...
0:24:12 > 0:24:13LAUGHTER
0:24:13 > 0:24:17I'm going to! I went into school, and it was a school in Slough,
0:24:17 > 0:24:18and it was quite a rough school,
0:24:18 > 0:24:21but they had a really brilliant hearing-impaired department,
0:24:21 > 0:24:25so the hearing-impaired kids who, you know, struggle, they were...
0:24:25 > 0:24:27They were really looked after in this school.
0:24:27 > 0:24:29Anyway, I was really hungover, I went there,
0:24:29 > 0:24:31and, about break time, I felt really uncomfortable.
0:24:31 > 0:24:33I thought, something's not right, you know?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34LAUGHTER
0:24:34 > 0:24:38So I went to the toilet, and I pulled my trousers down
0:24:38 > 0:24:40and some of my mother's knickers had got...
0:24:40 > 0:24:42LAUGHTER
0:24:42 > 0:24:44..had got mixed up in the wash she'd done.
0:24:44 > 0:24:47And I was wearing my mother's underwear.
0:24:47 > 0:24:48LAUGHTER
0:24:48 > 0:24:51And I went up, "Oh, God! Oh, no! Oh!"
0:24:51 > 0:24:53I remember going, "Oh, you loser! This is...
0:24:53 > 0:24:56"This is such a low point, you fucking loser!"
0:24:56 > 0:24:58- LAUGHTER - And then...
0:24:59 > 0:25:04And then, the curry and booze kicked in from the night before.
0:25:06 > 0:25:07So I...
0:25:07 > 0:25:09I did like a faecal Jackson Pollock.
0:25:09 > 0:25:12LAUGHTER
0:25:12 > 0:25:13APPLAUSE
0:25:13 > 0:25:16And I started...
0:25:16 > 0:25:18I started going, "Oh, God, not this!
0:25:18 > 0:25:19"Not this as well!
0:25:19 > 0:25:21"Oh, Jesus!"
0:25:21 > 0:25:24So I cleaned myself up, and I pulled my mother's pants back up.
0:25:24 > 0:25:25LAUGHTER
0:25:25 > 0:25:28And I went back into the classroom and I saw
0:25:28 > 0:25:32one of the hearing-impaired kids was looking at me like this...
0:25:32 > 0:25:36and that's when I remembered that I had a microphone directly...
0:25:36 > 0:25:38LAUGHTER
0:25:38 > 0:25:40..connected...
0:25:40 > 0:25:41LAUGHTER
0:25:41 > 0:25:43..to his hearing aid!
0:25:43 > 0:25:46LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:25:47 > 0:25:49APPLAUSE
0:25:49 > 0:25:51Oh, dear. And here's a thing.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53I didn't know, I don't know if you guys did, that,
0:25:53 > 0:25:56- obviously, you were Obi-Wan Kenobi, but...- You didn't know that?
0:25:56 > 0:25:58No, that I knew. That... LAUGHTER
0:25:58 > 0:26:00But you're in the new one. You're in the new Star Wars.
0:26:00 > 0:26:03Well, hardly. I mean, my voice is in it for a second.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06- I recorded a little line in it or something.- When do you speak?
0:26:06 > 0:26:08I don't know.
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Have you seen...? Have you seen it?
0:26:10 > 0:26:11- LAUGHTER - I did, but...
0:26:11 > 0:26:13Yes, I thought it was very good, I can't...
0:26:13 > 0:26:16LAUGHTER
0:26:16 > 0:26:18That line? Excellent!
0:26:18 > 0:26:19LAUGHTER
0:26:19 > 0:26:23You know that bit where there's a... I don't remember, I've no idea.
0:26:23 > 0:26:25- Apparently Alec Guinness speaks in it as well?- Yes.
0:26:25 > 0:26:28I think the beginning of the line is... The character's name is Rey.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30I'm really struggling here, to try and remember.
0:26:30 > 0:26:32- LAUGHTER - Keep going, go on!
0:26:32 > 0:26:35I think the character's name is, of course, as you all know, Rey.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36It is. LAUGHTER
0:26:36 > 0:26:39I worked with a line of dialogue that said Rey...
0:26:39 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:42 > 0:26:45Brilliant. Brilliant. That was brilliant.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47You hear him say that.
0:26:47 > 0:26:49LAUGHTER
0:26:49 > 0:26:52- There's some other line that I say.- Yeah.- And...
0:26:52 > 0:26:54- "Rey, these are your first steps," or something?- What?
0:26:54 > 0:26:57- Rey, these are your first steps. - Or something.- Something.
0:26:57 > 0:26:59- That's what he says, yes. - Something, something.
0:26:59 > 0:27:01Rey. These are your first steps or something.
0:27:01 > 0:27:04- That's the one.- So, they recorded me saying it, and then they took...
0:27:04 > 0:27:07They found Alec Guinness saying "afraid."
0:27:07 > 0:27:11And they cut the A and the D off,
0:27:11 > 0:27:14and then they took the "ray" out of it.
0:27:14 > 0:27:15LAUGHTER
0:27:15 > 0:27:18So, it's Alec Guinness saying Rey...
0:27:18 > 0:27:20- And then me saying that other line that you said.- Yeah.
0:27:20 > 0:27:23Did you have to go all the way to Tunisia to do that? Or did you...?
0:27:23 > 0:27:24LAUGHTER
0:27:24 > 0:27:29I am reminded of a time about f...five years ago.
0:27:29 > 0:27:33I was at a dinner with my ex-wife Brooke, her family, this and that,
0:27:33 > 0:27:40and, about halfway through, I noticed Donald staring at my watch.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43And so, he started saying, you know, "Listen,
0:27:43 > 0:27:45"I'm sorry that I wasn't invited to your wedding,"
0:27:45 > 0:27:48this and that... "I'm sorry I can't make your wedding."
0:27:48 > 0:27:50- And I'm like, "I didn't invite you." - LAUGHTER
0:27:50 > 0:27:53So he says, but, you know, "I want to give you an early wedding gift,
0:27:53 > 0:27:55"as a gesture from me and Melania."
0:27:55 > 0:27:58And she doesn't say a word, she is very sweet, and very pretty,
0:27:58 > 0:27:59but just kind of sits there.
0:27:59 > 0:28:03- You know?- Yeah.- Anywho, so...
0:28:03 > 0:28:04So he says, "These are, er...
0:28:04 > 0:28:07"These are platinum, diamond, Harry Winston."
0:28:07 > 0:28:11And he pulls off his cufflinks, and he gives them to me.
0:28:11 > 0:28:14And so, I'm like, Oh, gosh, Mr Trump, you really shouldn't do this.
0:28:14 > 0:28:16He goes, "No, no, it's the least I can do,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19"and, you know, have a great marriage and all that."
0:28:19 > 0:28:21Little did he know...
0:28:21 > 0:28:23LAUGHTER
0:28:23 > 0:28:27So smash cut to about six months later,
0:28:27 > 0:28:30I had some jewellery getting appraised at the house, you know,
0:28:30 > 0:28:33and she'd finished and was leaving
0:28:33 > 0:28:34and I said, "Oh, you know, there's,
0:28:34 > 0:28:37"there's, there's another couple of pieces that I have
0:28:37 > 0:28:40"that I'm very curious about, would you mind appraising these?"
0:28:40 > 0:28:42She said, "No, what are they?"
0:28:42 > 0:28:44Well, you know, I explained the dinner, this and that,
0:28:44 > 0:28:47and these were from Donald Trump, Harry Winston, you know flawless Ds,
0:28:47 > 0:28:49platinum...
0:28:49 > 0:28:52She took the loupe, spent about four seconds,
0:28:52 > 0:28:56and kind of recoiled from it, much like people do from Trump, and...
0:28:56 > 0:28:58LAUGHTER
0:28:58 > 0:29:02And so... So she says, "In their finest moment,
0:29:02 > 0:29:06"this is cheap pewter and... and bad zirconias."
0:29:06 > 0:29:08LAUGHTER
0:29:08 > 0:29:09- And they're stamped Trump. - AUDIENCE: Ohh!
0:29:09 > 0:29:12And I just thought, I just thought...
0:29:12 > 0:29:15what does this really say about the man, you know?
0:29:15 > 0:29:19That he's said here's like a great wedding gift, and it's just...
0:29:19 > 0:29:21and it's just a bag of dog shit, you know?
0:29:21 > 0:29:22LAUGHTER
0:29:22 > 0:29:27Er, this, this is a picture of Johnny Depp as Donald Trump.
0:29:27 > 0:29:30- JOHNNY GROANS, OTHERS GASP - What?
0:29:30 > 0:29:31LAUGHTER Isn't that amazing?
0:29:31 > 0:29:33- Wow. What was that for, Johnny? - Oh, my God.
0:29:33 > 0:29:35That was just for me.
0:29:35 > 0:29:36LAUGHTER
0:29:36 > 0:29:38You wanted to know what it felt like to be that awesome?
0:29:38 > 0:29:40It was the weekend and, you know...
0:29:40 > 0:29:44I never thought I wanted to kill Johnny Depp before.
0:29:44 > 0:29:47I can only say that you should.
0:29:47 > 0:29:51How did it come... Did you already do a Donald Trump impression?
0:29:51 > 0:29:54No, no, no, no, and I had no idea if I could or not,
0:29:54 > 0:29:56and I still don't, but I...
0:29:56 > 0:29:57LAUGHTER
0:29:57 > 0:30:00I mean, you know, Adam McKay, who I admire greatly
0:30:00 > 0:30:04and who is one of the funniest humans alive, we had a meeting.
0:30:04 > 0:30:07We were sitting there talking and he said, "How would you like to...
0:30:07 > 0:30:10"How would you like to do a feature film in four days?"
0:30:10 > 0:30:14and I went, "I like that idea."
0:30:14 > 0:30:18And then he said, "How would you like to play Donald Trump?"
0:30:18 > 0:30:19And I LOVED that idea.
0:30:19 > 0:30:21LAUGHTER
0:30:21 > 0:30:24I didn't care if I knew if I was capable or not, you know?
0:30:24 > 0:30:28I wanted to try, so... Yeah, so I, I...
0:30:28 > 0:30:30I did my bit as Donald Trump.
0:30:32 > 0:30:33You don't want to be Donald Trump.
0:30:33 > 0:30:35LAUGHTER
0:30:35 > 0:30:39- Because he... The way he speaks is very specific.- Yeah.
0:30:39 > 0:30:42Were you telling all the Mexicans to get off set?
0:30:42 > 0:30:43LAUGHTER
0:30:43 > 0:30:47- AS DONALD TRUMP:- I told them to build me that wall.
0:30:47 > 0:30:48I want a sensational wall...
0:30:50 > 0:30:52I want a fabulous wall...
0:30:54 > 0:30:56I don't remember what the question was, but it doesn't matter,
0:30:56 > 0:30:58cos I'm not going to answer it anyway.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00LAUGHTER
0:31:00 > 0:31:02- Wow.- Very good.- It's amazing.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04APPLAUSE
0:31:05 > 0:31:07APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:31:09 > 0:31:12But in terms of, sort of, prank stories on the sofa,
0:31:12 > 0:31:15I doubt anyone could top Kate Beckinsale's.
0:31:15 > 0:31:19This is such a genius prank and I sort of hate asking you to tell it,
0:31:19 > 0:31:23because I would so like to do it to someone, and this will spoil it.
0:31:23 > 0:31:24Go.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26SHE SIGHS, LAUGHTER
0:31:26 > 0:31:29OK, it was a very impromptu one, cos I'd, I'd been...
0:31:29 > 0:31:32If somebody falls asleep next to me,
0:31:32 > 0:31:34it's dangerous, cos I like to glue beards to them
0:31:34 > 0:31:39or draw tattoos or whatever it is - Pirates Of The Caribbean beard,
0:31:39 > 0:31:42all that, and I'd run out of things like that,
0:31:42 > 0:31:45and yet I was still after the rush of doing it.
0:31:47 > 0:31:50So, erm, I got into bed and I think I'd got a little, you know,
0:31:50 > 0:31:54- one of those chocolates that you get by the bed.- Oh, yeah, in a hotel.
0:31:54 > 0:31:58..and I thought, how funny would it be if I just tucked it
0:31:58 > 0:32:01in between the person's buttocks while they were asleep?
0:32:01 > 0:32:03LAUGHTER
0:32:04 > 0:32:09And it was really funny, because...
0:32:09 > 0:32:12Isn't that so good? It's so good!
0:32:12 > 0:32:15And it just sort of came very organically.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17My eyes fell on the chocolate and I kind of did that...
0:32:17 > 0:32:21I see the sleeping bottom here
0:32:21 > 0:32:23and then I thought, I'm just going to do it, and I tucked it in
0:32:23 > 0:32:26and I thought maybe I'd get in trouble in the morning,
0:32:26 > 0:32:27but it was a very fortuitous day,
0:32:27 > 0:32:30because this was the morning where the person was in a terrible rush
0:32:30 > 0:32:33and just went straight into their pants and their trousers
0:32:33 > 0:32:36and straight to work, which didn't normally happen,
0:32:36 > 0:32:39so, so halfway through the day at work, there was the...
0:32:41 > 0:32:43LAUGHTER
0:32:43 > 0:32:46..and then a kind of a scuttle backwards to the loo and then
0:32:46 > 0:32:51the horror, horror, horror, "I've done this without even feeling it."
0:32:51 > 0:32:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:33:02 > 0:33:05- When do you put on the Speedos?- Hm? - When do you put on the Speedos?
0:33:05 > 0:33:10- Well, I basically live in them!- Oh, do you?- Yeah, I... Quite often...
0:33:10 > 0:33:11Jodie's on it. Jodie's on it.
0:33:11 > 0:33:14- I want to know! - Well, we've got a picture.
0:33:14 > 0:33:16Stella McCartney has designed the Speedos.
0:33:16 > 0:33:21Now, sadly, she ran out of material, money and interest, so...
0:33:23 > 0:33:24Those are the Speedos.
0:33:24 > 0:33:27Now, they sent us a pair of the Speedos
0:33:27 > 0:33:29and they really are quite small.
0:33:29 > 0:33:32- Those are the ones I was wearing yesterday!- Oh...
0:33:32 > 0:33:35LAUGHTER
0:33:35 > 0:33:37- How lovely.- Yeah!
0:33:37 > 0:33:41They're still damp. But, like...
0:33:41 > 0:33:44- They are very small, Tom.- Well, everything has to stay in place.
0:33:44 > 0:33:46Obviously.
0:33:46 > 0:33:49If you're spinning around, the last thing you want to do is have
0:33:49 > 0:33:54something come out of its place where it's meant to be
0:33:54 > 0:33:57and, also, when you hit the water, you don't want things...
0:33:57 > 0:34:01you know, flapping about, because, I mean, it would hurt,
0:34:01 > 0:34:04so the closer you can keep it all in, the better, really.
0:34:04 > 0:34:06You're going to ask me to put those on, aren't you?
0:34:06 > 0:34:07LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:34:07 > 0:34:09I wasn't!
0:34:09 > 0:34:11APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:34:13 > 0:34:15It would look like a very ill elephant.
0:34:17 > 0:34:19But what I...
0:34:19 > 0:34:22I don't want to be indelicate, but what if anything changes
0:34:22 > 0:34:24and you're wearing those?
0:34:24 > 0:34:27Oh... I mean, when you're stood on the end of a...
0:34:27 > 0:34:29Have you ever stood on the end of a ten-metre platform?
0:34:29 > 0:34:31Of course I haven't!
0:34:31 > 0:34:34So that's probably the last thing that would go through your head,
0:34:34 > 0:34:35is to have anything change down there.
0:34:35 > 0:34:39What about when they're giving you the medal and you're thinking, "Look at me!"
0:34:39 > 0:34:42- LAUGHTER - You're actually...
0:34:42 > 0:34:43HE GRUNTS HAPPILY
0:34:45 > 0:34:47Then leaning in and going, "Ooh, sorry."
0:34:47 > 0:34:49You are a little bit more on the podium.
0:34:49 > 0:34:51You actually have, like, a full-on tracksuit that you wear.
0:34:51 > 0:34:55- Oh, that's thoughtful.- Yeah. - Is that why they wear the tracksuit?
0:34:55 > 0:34:57I don't think that's the reason!
0:34:57 > 0:34:59I don't think that's why they give them tracksuits...
0:34:59 > 0:35:01in case they get a boner!
0:35:01 > 0:35:03LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:07 > 0:35:10Now, Martin, in The Hobbit, was it you and Aidan Turner...
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Oh, Christ.
0:35:12 > 0:35:15..that you found a way to while away the many hours
0:35:15 > 0:35:18- you must have spent in New Zealand?- Yes.
0:35:18 > 0:35:20One time, I said to Aidan, "OK, if there's a gun at your head...
0:35:20 > 0:35:22"You've got to do one of these two things.
0:35:22 > 0:35:25"You've got to either walk away from this scene, not saying
0:35:25 > 0:35:28"anything to Peter Jackson or anybody else, you've just got to
0:35:28 > 0:35:33"walk away and go until you reach that mountain and not say anything
0:35:33 > 0:35:36"to anyone and when they say, 'Where's Aidan? He's got a line',
0:35:36 > 0:35:38"you'll just be fired.
0:35:38 > 0:35:41"That's over, cos no-one would have explained it
0:35:41 > 0:35:44"and that'll be...certainly this job over and your name won't be..."
0:35:44 > 0:35:48- You know, he wouldn't have done Poldark, that's for sure.- No.
0:35:48 > 0:35:50"Or you've got to..."
0:35:50 > 0:35:52HE SIGHS
0:35:52 > 0:35:55"Or you've got to masturbate to completion,
0:35:55 > 0:35:59"just in front of everyone here and don't say anything about it.
0:35:59 > 0:36:00"There's no...
0:36:00 > 0:36:03"There's no introduction, there's no caveat, it's just...
0:36:03 > 0:36:07"You've got to do one and, if there was a gun at your head, which one would you do?"
0:36:07 > 0:36:09And he thought about it, and he chose B, he chose B,
0:36:09 > 0:36:13just because he figured he wouldn't get fired, but he would get fired.
0:36:13 > 0:36:14LAUGHTER
0:36:14 > 0:36:16I mean, if there's one thing I believe, it's
0:36:16 > 0:36:18you should be fired for wanking on set.
0:36:18 > 0:36:21- Yes.- Yeah. I'm all against that. I'm dead against that.
0:36:21 > 0:36:23Ma... I won't ask you, Maxine.
0:36:23 > 0:36:26- What, about masturbating on set?- No.
0:36:26 > 0:36:27It's too long a story.
0:36:27 > 0:36:29LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:29 > 0:36:32How do you think she lost all that weight?
0:36:35 > 0:36:37But...
0:36:37 > 0:36:40Paul Rudd in the Ant-Man movie,
0:36:40 > 0:36:44you went to extraordinary lengths to amuse yourself.
0:36:44 > 0:36:46Were you trying to amuse other people or just yourself?
0:36:46 > 0:36:48Actually, this is quite close to that.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52- Yeah, I think this is a perfect segue.- What did you do?
0:36:52 > 0:36:57Well, I was working opposite, er, Michael Douglas in Ant-Man,
0:36:57 > 0:37:02and, er, you know, he's a legend and I could never completely relax
0:37:02 > 0:37:05in front of him, even though he was very nice
0:37:05 > 0:37:10and cordial and sweet and, finally, it was his last day of shooting
0:37:10 > 0:37:12and I thought, ah, I want to...
0:37:12 > 0:37:15be buddy-buddy with the guy, I want him to think that I'm cool,
0:37:15 > 0:37:19and I thought it would be funny if, while it was on his close-up,
0:37:19 > 0:37:23I could somehow recreate that scene from Basic Instinct...
0:37:23 > 0:37:26LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:37:29 > 0:37:31..sitting across from him, so I didn't tell him,
0:37:31 > 0:37:35but I also didn't tell anybody,
0:37:35 > 0:37:41and before we filmed the scene, I unzipped my jeans and...
0:37:41 > 0:37:42- you know.- Unfurled.- Unfurled.
0:37:45 > 0:37:49Not much unfurling, but I unfurled, technically, and I sat down.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51I guess I didn't really take into account when I'm
0:37:51 > 0:37:56sitting in a chair, everything kind of, like, my boxer shorts...
0:37:57 > 0:38:04So, while he's doing his scene, I'm trying to re-unfurl while holding
0:38:04 > 0:38:09my T-shirt over, so he wouldn't see it, and as I'm doing it,
0:38:09 > 0:38:13he's saying his line and it looked as if I was doing exactly what...
0:38:13 > 0:38:15LAUGHTER
0:38:15 > 0:38:18- ..Martin said he would never do on set.- Oh, God.
0:38:18 > 0:38:20APPLAUSE
0:38:20 > 0:38:22You picked option B.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25As I'm trying to uncross my legs and it's like, kind of...
0:38:26 > 0:38:32And he's such a pro, he didn't... he didn't stop his, you know,
0:38:32 > 0:38:37his monologue, flicked his eyes down real quick, looked back at me
0:38:37 > 0:38:41and then just finally stopped in the middle and said...
0:38:41 > 0:38:42"What are you, a fuckin' pervert?"
0:38:42 > 0:38:44LAUGHTER
0:38:47 > 0:38:49And, in that moment, I thought, this...
0:38:49 > 0:38:53this didn't play out as I...had anticipated.
0:38:56 > 0:38:59- You sexually assaulted Michael Douglas!- I did!
0:38:59 > 0:39:02And it was, the whole thing just kind of, you know...
0:39:04 > 0:39:07..blew up in my face, I guess would be... Yeah, yeah!
0:39:07 > 0:39:10LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:39:13 > 0:39:15Now, listen, last night - this is true -
0:39:15 > 0:39:20last night I set my Rock Clock and this morning,
0:39:20 > 0:39:23could I turn that f'ing thing off? No!
0:39:23 > 0:39:25Oh, that's a thing, by the way,
0:39:25 > 0:39:28one of the cool things is it doesn't have a snooze button.
0:39:28 > 0:39:32- No, it doesn't!- You can't snooze. You have to get up.
0:39:32 > 0:39:34I was just like, "Shut up!"
0:39:36 > 0:39:40This is it, this is it, so, you go on here
0:39:40 > 0:39:45and there are all these different alarms, so, er, there's the...
0:39:45 > 0:39:46This is what I had.
0:39:46 > 0:39:48So, I woke up this morning, I could not turn this off.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50Oh, this is the good one!
0:39:50 > 0:39:54- THE ROCK ON PHONE:- 'Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...
0:39:54 > 0:39:59'I can do this all morning. Beep, beep, beep...
0:39:59 > 0:40:03- And it was, it went on for so long! - It just continues.
0:40:03 > 0:40:07- I've got one that's Good Morning Sunshine.- That's you singing.- Yes.
0:40:07 > 0:40:08This is a good one.
0:40:08 > 0:40:11# Good morning, sunshine
0:40:11 > 0:40:14# Yeah, that's what The Rock just said
0:40:14 > 0:40:17# Open your eyes up
0:40:17 > 0:40:21# Get your candy-ass out of bed. #
0:40:21 > 0:40:22I'd get up to that.
0:40:22 > 0:40:26And then the other cool feature is, it allows me to shoot videos
0:40:26 > 0:40:28and they'll get downloaded to your phone immediately,
0:40:28 > 0:40:31so, when you wake up at four, five or six or seven in the morning,
0:40:31 > 0:40:34- you have a video message from me. - Oh, do you want to do one?
0:40:34 > 0:40:36We should absolutely do one right now
0:40:36 > 0:40:38and I think, if you guys want to do one with me,
0:40:38 > 0:40:41I'll do this and then I'll turn it to you guys,
0:40:41 > 0:40:45and you guys can wake up... millions of people.
0:40:45 > 0:40:48- Cool.- All right. Here we go.
0:40:48 > 0:40:51OK, there we go. All right.
0:40:51 > 0:40:53All right, what's up, everybody? Rock Clock users?
0:40:53 > 0:40:55Here with Jeff, here with Liam.
0:40:55 > 0:40:59- You want to say good morning? - Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep...
0:40:59 > 0:41:01LAUGHTER
0:41:01 > 0:41:03# Good morning, sunshine... #
0:41:05 > 0:41:08- And there's Graham Norton. - Hey! Hello!
0:41:08 > 0:41:11So here's the best part about it all, everybody -
0:41:11 > 0:41:13here's the audience.
0:41:13 > 0:41:15CHEERING
0:41:26 > 0:41:28Wake up! Rock Clock!
0:41:28 > 0:41:30OK, quickly, quickly, one more.
0:41:30 > 0:41:32- Hello.- Hello.- Hi, what's your name?
0:41:32 > 0:41:35- I'm Debbie.- Debbie. Hi, Debbie. What do you do?- I'm a mother.
0:41:35 > 0:41:36- That's quite enough.- OK!
0:41:36 > 0:41:38LAUGHTER
0:41:38 > 0:41:41- Do you have many of the children? - Two.- Two, OK. How old are they?
0:41:41 > 0:41:44Er, 19 and eight. Er, ten, sorry.
0:41:44 > 0:41:46LAUGHTER
0:41:46 > 0:41:49Wow, just lost two years of her life there!
0:41:49 > 0:41:52- Don't you start again? - Those were the drinking years!
0:41:54 > 0:41:57- OK, where are you from?- South East London.- South East London.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00We'll just leave it at that. All right, off you go with your story.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04So, I'm in bed with an ex-lover of mine
0:42:04 > 0:42:08- and we decided we'd engage in some grown-up activities.- Yes.
0:42:08 > 0:42:10You know, dinner for two.
0:42:10 > 0:42:11SHOCKED LAUGHTER
0:42:11 > 0:42:14More than 68, but not quite 70.
0:42:15 > 0:42:19So, erm, because I'm so lazy by nature, I'm on the bottom,
0:42:19 > 0:42:23and so I can't breathe through my mouth, obviously, cos it's full...
0:42:23 > 0:42:25LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES
0:42:25 > 0:42:28..so I take in a very deep breath through my nose...
0:42:28 > 0:42:29SHE INHALES
0:42:29 > 0:42:31..at which point his...testicles
0:42:31 > 0:42:38form a tight seal...across my nostrils, so I can't breathe at all,
0:42:38 > 0:42:41so I'm wriggling around, panicking, he's thinking, obviously,
0:42:41 > 0:42:44"Oh, she's loving this, she's really loving this..."
0:42:44 > 0:42:45I'm going to do it now.
0:42:48 > 0:42:50APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:42:50 > 0:42:53I don't understand the... I...
0:42:55 > 0:42:58I don't know, someone should... Maybe I need help, but...
0:43:00 > 0:43:05Er... I envisaged two people sat like this,
0:43:05 > 0:43:10but...if something...
0:43:10 > 0:43:16- is in her mouth...- Yes?- ..why would the thing below it be in her nose?
0:43:16 > 0:43:18Cos she... Cos he's going that way.
0:43:18 > 0:43:20- A 69, John.- A 69, but also...
0:43:20 > 0:43:2269! 69!
0:43:22 > 0:43:23LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:43:23 > 0:43:25Also! Also!
0:43:25 > 0:43:29Can I just say, we're leaving this conversation here!
0:43:29 > 0:43:31She's facing that way, he's facing that way...
0:43:31 > 0:43:34If you want to know more, go on the red button. This is it. We're done!
0:43:34 > 0:43:37We're done! No, Sara! We're done!
0:43:37 > 0:43:40- But why would you...? - Shut up! We're done!
0:43:40 > 0:43:43APPLAUSE