0:00:02 > 0:00:05- The end of a series. Your favourite memory? - Lady Gaga's performance.
0:00:05 > 0:00:08- Oh, yes? You?- I liked the interview with Tom Hanks. - Oh, right. You?
0:00:08 > 0:00:10I liked where you fell down the stairs.
0:00:10 > 0:00:13Well, I didn't fall down the stair...!
0:00:13 > 0:00:15Let's start the show!
0:00:15 > 0:00:18CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:00:30 > 0:00:33Oh! Ohh!
0:00:33 > 0:00:38Oh, too kind! Too kind. Thank you very much!
0:00:38 > 0:00:45Well, ladies and gentlemen, it's the end of another series.
0:00:45 > 0:00:47Oh, I've had so many brilliant guests. So many.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50I suppose, if I had to pick my favourite,
0:00:50 > 0:00:53it'd be a bit of Lady Gaga, a bit of Tom Hanks,
0:00:53 > 0:00:56a bit of Snoop Dogg and a bit of Cameron Diaz.
0:00:56 > 0:00:58But then it would've looked like this.
0:00:59 > 0:01:00Er...
0:01:00 > 0:01:01No.
0:01:01 > 0:01:04Actually, let's have a look at them individually.
0:01:04 > 0:01:07Please welcome the phenomenal Lady Gaga!
0:01:07 > 0:01:10CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:01:10 > 0:01:13Hello, lovely lady.
0:01:15 > 0:01:18So nice to see you!
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Gwyneth, Gaga.
0:01:19 > 0:01:21Geoffrey, Gaga.
0:01:21 > 0:01:24Jason, Gaga.
0:01:24 > 0:01:25Hello, Lady Gaga.
0:01:25 > 0:01:28Oh, sit yourself down, you lovely...
0:01:28 > 0:01:32- I'm so excited you're here.- I had no idea there would be...cuisine.
0:01:32 > 0:01:33Would you like some?
0:01:33 > 0:01:36- No, I'm OK.- Yes, you have to sing in a bit. You don't want to...
0:01:36 > 0:01:40- Are artichokes not good for singing? - No, they'll coat the cords. Yeah.
0:01:40 > 0:01:45But...famously, you have this incredible rapport with your fans.
0:01:45 > 0:01:47A real... You know, a real connection with them.
0:01:47 > 0:01:50- MAN IN AUDIENCE:- I love you, Gaga! - I love you, too.
0:01:50 > 0:01:52CHEERS
0:01:52 > 0:01:54OK. Some cheering and clapping and that's that.
0:01:54 > 0:01:57But I suppose what interests me is the kind of...
0:01:57 > 0:02:01- the one-on-one love, cos you are dating, aren't you?- "Dating"...?
0:02:01 > 0:02:04- A boyfriend?- No boyfriend. - You don't have a boyfriend?
0:02:04 > 0:02:08- Do you go on dates? - No, I'm miserably pathetic in my wedding dress.
0:02:09 > 0:02:13But do you go on dates? Could somebody ask Lady Gaga out?
0:02:13 > 0:02:17Um, well, you could. I haven't been on any dates recently.
0:02:17 > 0:02:22I'm working so hard and I just finished my record and...
0:02:22 > 0:02:24I don't know, I get really bored very quickly with men.
0:02:24 > 0:02:26- MAN IN AUDIENCE:- Come on a date with me!
0:02:26 > 0:02:31Yes, OK! See, I'm so easy!
0:02:31 > 0:02:34If someone asked you on a date, what would you wear?
0:02:34 > 0:02:38I would imagine they might freak out if I showed up in this wedding dress!
0:02:38 > 0:02:40Running for the door.
0:02:40 > 0:02:42"She seems a little keen."
0:02:42 > 0:02:43"I do!"
0:02:45 > 0:02:48APPLAUSE
0:02:48 > 0:02:50But can you still bust a move?
0:02:50 > 0:02:52No.
0:02:52 > 0:02:54- AUDIENCE:- Yes!- I'm too old!
0:02:54 > 0:02:56Do something, do something!
0:02:56 > 0:02:59Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
0:02:59 > 0:03:01Wait.
0:03:01 > 0:03:03I don't have enough room.
0:03:03 > 0:03:05We'll make room. We'll make room.
0:03:05 > 0:03:08Well, what do you...? Like, over here?
0:03:08 > 0:03:12- Yeah, do it back... Where would you...? - I... I don't have any music. So...
0:03:12 > 0:03:15We'll put music on. Wait, is down there better?
0:03:15 > 0:03:20- Where's better?- Right here's good. - Can we get cameras for back there? - I don't hear music!
0:03:20 > 0:03:21- Can we get some music? - MUSIC STARTS
0:03:21 > 0:03:24- Oh.- Oh, here we go!
0:03:24 > 0:03:27Oh! I'll take it.
0:03:27 > 0:03:28Here we go.
0:03:28 > 0:03:30CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
0:03:40 > 0:03:41Whoa!
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Whoa! Whoa!
0:03:44 > 0:03:48- Woo!- Oh, wow!
0:03:54 > 0:03:57What was amazing. Thank you so much!
0:04:01 > 0:04:03Wow!
0:04:05 > 0:04:09- Oh!- A windmill with a nutcracker?
0:04:09 > 0:04:10Know what I saying?
0:04:10 > 0:04:13Get to know me, Snoop.
0:04:13 > 0:04:14- Wow.- Get to know me, Snoop!
0:04:18 > 0:04:20- How cool was that? - Wait a minute. Just a minute.
0:04:20 > 0:04:25The ultimate move he did was called the windmill with the nutcracker.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30- Wow. - You can't do that at 17 years old!
0:04:30 > 0:04:34He just popped a windmill and came out of that with the nutcracker.
0:04:36 > 0:04:38I'm impressed. I am impressed.
0:04:38 > 0:04:39We nuts on this show!
0:04:39 > 0:04:40Nuts!
0:04:40 > 0:04:45Animation films. I would think, "That sounds easy."
0:04:45 > 0:04:48But then I read that it's really hard work. For you, anyway.
0:04:48 > 0:04:51Well, it's fun work because the people are great
0:04:51 > 0:04:53but it is very, very...
0:04:53 > 0:04:54hard.
0:04:54 > 0:04:58Particularly Woody, cos Woody is always, like, yelling
0:04:58 > 0:05:00and he's always like, "Rarr!" He's always doing that.
0:05:00 > 0:05:04And the way it works, they start working on it
0:05:04 > 0:05:09and it takes about four years for them to start animating it and get to the final product.
0:05:09 > 0:05:14So about every six months, you go into a recording studio,
0:05:14 > 0:05:18But, you... And you face the booth. The screen is behind you.
0:05:18 > 0:05:20It's cos it's on the lot.
0:05:20 > 0:05:23And you face the booth, and in the booth are these heads
0:05:23 > 0:05:26that look like judges at the Olympics, you know?
0:05:26 > 0:05:31And they're in a soundproof... You can't hear them. But they can hear every word you say.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34So you've got a scene where you had to say something like...
0:05:34 > 0:05:40You're standing, and you have to 18 variations of something like this,
0:05:40 > 0:05:44YELLS: "Buzz, if we don't get back there, I'm going to go absolutely berserk!"
0:05:44 > 0:05:46That's what you have to do.
0:05:46 > 0:05:49And you do it every kind of way you possibly can
0:05:49 > 0:05:52until your diaphragm is busted and your throat is raw,
0:05:52 > 0:05:55you've spit all over the copy.
0:05:55 > 0:05:58It's your fourth hour of doing it, and you go, "I'm going to go berserk!"
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Then you look at the people in the booth and they're all going...
0:06:07 > 0:06:11And they almost press the talk-back that they can talk... And they go...
0:06:18 > 0:06:21"Hey, Tom, that was great."
0:06:25 > 0:06:29Was it this week? Was it this week you had the wardrobe malfunction?
0:06:29 > 0:06:30Yeah.
0:06:30 > 0:06:33Cos... Now... Please tell me no paparazzi got...?
0:06:33 > 0:06:36No, and luckily... There was a bus stop full of people
0:06:36 > 0:06:38and luckily, they didn't recognise me.
0:06:38 > 0:06:42I'd woken up and had a really embarrassing encounter with someone when I woke up.
0:06:42 > 0:06:45And then, um... This is really random, sorry!
0:06:45 > 0:06:49I was so mortified that I left the house to go buy some milk and stuff like that, and I had...
0:06:49 > 0:06:50It was a hot day.
0:06:50 > 0:06:54And I had this weird dress/poncho thing on that had no arms
0:06:54 > 0:06:56and was only on me round me neck.
0:06:56 > 0:06:58And I went out and I didn't have time to, like, kind of...
0:06:58 > 0:07:02It was to about here and I didn't have time to put anything on
0:07:02 > 0:07:04and then a gust of wind come...
0:07:04 > 0:07:07And I was literally, like, hula-hooping my dress around my neck.
0:07:07 > 0:07:10And I was butt naked underneath!
0:07:10 > 0:07:12Naked?!
0:07:12 > 0:07:14- Butt naked.- Naked!- Butt naked.
0:07:14 > 0:07:18They all laughed but I had no-one to laugh with. They was laughing at me!
0:07:18 > 0:07:22Listen, right... No, I'm getting a bit sweaty just talking about it!
0:07:22 > 0:07:25- Please can I have that for my next series?- Yeah, you can take it.
0:07:25 > 0:07:28- Have it.- Thank you. - It was... It was awful.
0:07:28 > 0:07:33Awful. Old men, old women, young kids. Like... It was awful.
0:07:33 > 0:07:37- It's brilliant. "I've seen Adele naked."- They didn't know it was me. But they will now.
0:07:43 > 0:07:47Is it true that you're a huge fan of '90s hip-hop?
0:07:47 > 0:07:48Yes.
0:07:48 > 0:07:50- Very true.- Seriously?! - Seriously, yeah.
0:07:50 > 0:07:51OK. So let me test you.
0:07:51 > 0:07:52Oh, God!
0:07:52 > 0:07:56- So if I said to you, "Straight out of Compton."- Yes?
0:07:56 > 0:07:59- What would you say? - I say, "A classic NWA album."
0:07:59 > 0:08:00AUDIENCE WHOOPS
0:08:00 > 0:08:04- You want to know more?- Do you know the lyrics? Do you know the lyrics?
0:08:04 > 0:08:07- Yeah.- Can she do them on this? - We'll bleep it, it's fine.
0:08:07 > 0:08:11- OK. There's one word I can't say. - Don't say that one. Yeah.
0:08:11 > 0:08:13- Want us to do the background music? - Yes, please.
0:08:13 > 0:08:17- Will we do the background music? - I don't know it. - You just make siren noises.
0:08:17 > 0:08:20- Do you know the record? There are sirens on it.- Here we go.
0:08:20 > 0:08:21THEY MAKE SIREN NOISES
0:08:21 > 0:08:24RAPS: Yo, here's a little something 'bout a ... like me
0:08:24 > 0:08:27Never shoulda been let out the penitentiary
0:08:27 > 0:08:31Ice Cube, I'd like to say that I'm a crazy motherf... from around the way
0:08:31 > 0:08:33Since I was a youth I smoked weed out
0:08:33 > 0:08:36Now I'm the motherf... that you read about.
0:08:36 > 0:08:38Very good!
0:08:38 > 0:08:41Well done, Gwyneth Paltrow.
0:08:41 > 0:08:44We asked the audience if they had any nicknames and we did get a few in.
0:08:44 > 0:08:48Er... Ari... Ari Olafsson? Ari? Ari?
0:08:48 > 0:08:49That's me, I guess.
0:08:52 > 0:08:54Oh, you. You? You.
0:08:54 > 0:08:56And, now, your nickname was...?
0:08:56 > 0:08:58First off, the name, Ari.
0:08:58 > 0:09:01It's Icelandic, so I'm familiar with skata.
0:09:01 > 0:09:05- I thought I smelled something. - Do you like it?
0:09:05 > 0:09:07Yeah, I do. We all like it.
0:09:10 > 0:09:13- That explains a lot! - Hey, break it up, you two!
0:09:13 > 0:09:16But your nickname... Your nickname was...?
0:09:16 > 0:09:20Right, yeah. I feel quite ridiculous saying this now that I've actually seen the man,
0:09:20 > 0:09:23but a few years back, some people in Iceland
0:09:23 > 0:09:25actually started calling me Ashton,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27because they thought I looked like him.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30The spitting image, bud.
0:09:31 > 0:09:35To be fair, Graham, he has make-up on. I don't.
0:09:36 > 0:09:37Um...
0:09:39 > 0:09:42Rebuttal! Rebuttal!
0:09:42 > 0:09:46I have a rebuttal. I have a rebuttal.
0:09:46 > 0:09:50I would like you to know and I will let the world know -
0:09:50 > 0:09:52you can come inspect, if you would like -
0:09:52 > 0:09:55I refuse to wear make-up on talk shows.
0:09:55 > 0:09:59I never do. Never, not once, have I ever...
0:09:59 > 0:10:04And you can come look if you want, good sir. That's all me, baby!
0:10:05 > 0:10:07Beautiful.
0:10:10 > 0:10:13I blame the long dark winter nights.
0:10:13 > 0:10:16I've got 4lbs of make-up on.
0:10:17 > 0:10:19What was your full name?
0:10:19 > 0:10:22Er, first off I quite like wearing make-up!
0:10:22 > 0:10:26LAUGHTER
0:10:33 > 0:10:37The most weirdly aggressive Icelandic man...
0:10:37 > 0:10:39He's the angriest man alive!
0:10:39 > 0:10:41Move the pole.
0:10:43 > 0:10:46- My favourite story is that story of you in Heathrow.- Oh, yes.
0:10:46 > 0:10:50That was great. That was the best thing of the whole...
0:10:50 > 0:10:53- It makes me cry, that story. - It does me.- I'm crying now.
0:10:56 > 0:10:59After I had won the Oscar, I came back on my own
0:10:59 > 0:11:01but I carried my Oscar hand-luggage.
0:11:01 > 0:11:04I guess I wanted it with me, I was frightened...
0:11:04 > 0:11:09You didn't want it to get lost. And end up in Dubai!
0:11:11 > 0:11:16So anyway, in the luggage thing waiting for my luggage to arrive
0:11:16 > 0:11:21and someone spots me and starts applauding.
0:11:21 > 0:11:25And then the whole luggage hall...
0:11:25 > 0:11:29It's like a scene in a movie.
0:11:29 > 0:11:34And the whole luggage hall, everybody realised I was there all started applauding.
0:11:34 > 0:11:35- Did you bawl?- I bawled.
0:11:35 > 0:11:41And I had my Oscar in my hand luggage so I took it out.
0:11:44 > 0:11:46Isn't that fabulous?
0:11:49 > 0:11:54We'll turn down the sound so by watching them dance
0:11:54 > 0:11:59we'll try to guess what Cher track they're dancing to.
0:11:59 > 0:12:02- Good game.- A bit of Christmas fun!
0:12:02 > 0:12:06So, turn down the sound and spin the first disc.
0:12:11 > 0:12:16- I think she believes in life after love.- Do you think?- I do.
0:12:16 > 0:12:18Shall we see?
0:12:18 > 0:12:21It is!
0:12:21 > 0:12:25# Do you believe in life after love? #
0:12:25 > 0:12:28Do you want a go?
0:12:30 > 0:12:34# Really don't think you're strong enough... #
0:12:34 > 0:12:36You...
0:12:36 > 0:12:39# Do you believe in life after love? #
0:12:39 > 0:12:42APPLAUSE
0:12:44 > 0:12:47Bye-bye. Bye-bye, you useless bunch!
0:12:50 > 0:12:55Are European fans more reserved than Americans or...?
0:12:55 > 0:12:57We had a frisky time in Germany.
0:12:57 > 0:13:03The Germans were quite assertive, let me put it that way.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06I'm not saying they conform to any national stereotype at all.
0:13:06 > 0:13:10Because they really were charming and friendly
0:13:10 > 0:13:12but if things don't go their way...
0:13:12 > 0:13:16I had to get on a train to leave Germany and there were
0:13:16 > 0:13:20a bunch of people with autographs and I said I'll miss my train if I...
0:13:20 > 0:13:26So, they started tearing up the photographs and throwing them in my face.
0:13:26 > 0:13:30And saying, go back to England!
0:13:30 > 0:13:33That's what I'm trying to do.
0:13:33 > 0:13:36APPLAUSE
0:13:36 > 0:13:39And then they would...
0:13:39 > 0:13:42What I didn't realise was the German word...
0:13:42 > 0:13:48It's not a word, the German for boo is not boo.
0:13:48 > 0:13:52When Germans boo, they go ooh.
0:13:52 > 0:13:54So, I had people, after they had done that
0:13:54 > 0:13:59and had said their German things, I was running for this train
0:13:59 > 0:14:01and all I could he was people going, oooh!
0:14:03 > 0:14:06Is it true or not you kept a light sabre?
0:14:08 > 0:14:13I officially don't own a light sabre.
0:14:13 > 0:14:15(MOUTHS) I've got one.
0:14:15 > 0:14:19The props guy gave me one. No, he didn't!
0:14:19 > 0:14:24We bought some light sabres. They're pretty good.
0:14:24 > 0:14:25That one is on already. Hang on.
0:14:25 > 0:14:30- You have to know what you're doing with these.- You do, though. Which one would you like?
0:14:30 > 0:14:34- Which one looks like yours? - The one in the middle, I think.
0:14:34 > 0:14:39- That's Alec Guinness's one. - Then it's yours.- Oh, my God!
0:14:39 > 0:14:42- These are really nice.- Amazing. - How do you turn it on?
0:14:42 > 0:14:45Will they break? Oh, no, they won't!
0:14:45 > 0:14:48You make the sound effects yourself... Do you want one?
0:14:48 > 0:14:53- Not at all(!) - There you go.
0:14:53 > 0:14:55Look at that!
0:14:55 > 0:14:59That's fantastic. Can you make the noises?
0:14:59 > 0:15:03To begin with it was quite difficult not to make the sound.. Zzsssh.
0:15:03 > 0:15:04And also when it goes away.
0:15:04 > 0:15:07It makes that nice... zzsssh noise when it goes down.
0:15:07 > 0:15:08Oh, yes.
0:15:08 > 0:15:10Have you heard that, in Rocky,
0:15:10 > 0:15:12apparently like, in the first film particularly,
0:15:12 > 0:15:15it's just loads of sound effects
0:15:15 > 0:15:17of Sylvester Stallone, going, "pfft!"
0:15:22 > 0:15:25- Let's have the lights down. - You have to start them up.
0:15:25 > 0:15:29- Oh, OK, so, off, off... - How do you do that?
0:15:32 > 0:15:35Uh...there. There. It's off now. There you go. You've got it.
0:15:35 > 0:15:40OK, so when you put it on, it has to make this sort of noise, "Gsssssht!"
0:15:42 > 0:15:44Gssssht!
0:15:44 > 0:15:46ALL MIMIC LIGHTSABER
0:15:46 > 0:15:49Oh! Aah, now...!
0:15:49 > 0:15:50APPLAUSE
0:15:50 > 0:15:53- You're so good at it! - I spent months doing it!
0:15:53 > 0:15:54Mine keeps going off though when I twirl it.
0:15:54 > 0:15:56I could... Ow!
0:15:56 > 0:15:59They'll break! They'll break! They're 150 quid each!
0:16:00 > 0:16:02- How much do they cost?- 150 quid each!
0:16:08 > 0:16:09I don't know if you've seen,
0:16:09 > 0:16:13but despite the temperatures out the back, the Beliebers are there.
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- It's amazing. They're awesome. - Look at them, there they are. Yes!
0:16:17 > 0:16:19SCREAMING
0:16:19 > 0:16:23Look, she's got a sign, saying she's "Britain's Biggest Belieber".
0:16:23 > 0:16:28- All right.- Beliebers, Beliebers? We have a message from your leader!
0:16:29 > 0:16:30LAUGHTER
0:16:32 > 0:16:34- I love you! - SCREAMING
0:16:37 > 0:16:40We'll talk to you later. Bye bye, Beliebers!
0:16:43 > 0:16:46- It's terrifying!- Yes.
0:16:46 > 0:16:48- Cos you're 16 now.- Yes.
0:16:48 > 0:16:51And in interviews, you're quite careful when people ask, you know,
0:16:51 > 0:16:55- what sort of woman would you like to go out with?- Yeah.
0:16:55 > 0:16:58- You're quite vague in your answers.- Yeah.
0:16:58 > 0:17:01I don't want to... Like... I'm just being honest.
0:17:03 > 0:17:04I like all girls.
0:17:04 > 0:17:08Like... I like every type of girl!
0:17:08 > 0:17:09So you don't have a type, yet?
0:17:09 > 0:17:15I mean, I think that I like someone who is funny,
0:17:15 > 0:17:18as long as they are funny, they have a nice personality, nice eyes...
0:17:18 > 0:17:21Hello, Justin(!)
0:17:22 > 0:17:25How you doing(?)
0:17:25 > 0:17:28- I'm into girls who are like... - It's wrong, isn't it?
0:17:28 > 0:17:30..kinda closer to my age!
0:17:30 > 0:17:32LAUGHTER
0:17:32 > 0:17:36- Oh! Oh! - SARCASTIC BOOING
0:17:36 > 0:17:38- I didn't mean anything bad! But like, closer to my...- I'm 22(!)
0:17:40 > 0:17:43Yeah, and I'm 58(!)
0:17:43 > 0:17:45It won't last!
0:17:46 > 0:17:50- Can I just say... At 22, still too old!- Yes!
0:17:50 > 0:17:52You two, thank you so much for doing this.
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- Cos I know you've just come from the premiere... - CHEERING
0:17:58 > 0:18:01- How did it go?- It was great. There were a lot of people there.
0:18:01 > 0:18:04It was insane. Especially at Westfield Shopping Centre.
0:18:04 > 0:18:08- It's like, why is this happening here?- It doesn't ooze glamour.
0:18:08 > 0:18:12We went in the entrance where all the dumpsters are, and stuff!
0:18:12 > 0:18:16No, it's great. We always see the glamorous sides of buildings(!)
0:18:16 > 0:18:19I believe, kind of Royal wedding stylee,
0:18:19 > 0:18:21people have been sleeping there overnight.
0:18:21 > 0:18:24Were people sleeping out for the royal wedding?
0:18:24 > 0:18:26Yes. And your premiere, as well, yeah.
0:18:26 > 0:18:31Water for elephants stylee, they slept out for the Royal wedding!
0:18:31 > 0:18:34- Did you not know that? - No, no, I didn't know
0:18:34 > 0:18:37until we actually got there, and people said, "I've been here for 32 hours."
0:18:37 > 0:18:42- Ooh! Cos some people went to the premiere and now are here. - CHEERING
0:18:42 > 0:18:44- Oh, hi!- How do they do that?!
0:18:44 > 0:18:49I remember you were there! You look super familiar!
0:18:49 > 0:18:52Reese, that's why you won the Oscar. That was very good!
0:18:57 > 0:18:59That reminds me, we were at the premiere and this girl goes,
0:18:59 > 0:19:03"I only have time for one question, can I smell you?"
0:19:03 > 0:19:06Of all the things that you could ask somebody!
0:19:06 > 0:19:09Did you say no, then block her nostrils up?
0:19:13 > 0:19:18So is this...? This is a Steinway? What's that mean?!
0:19:19 > 0:19:21It's gorgeous(!)
0:19:22 > 0:19:26Um... PLAYS TUNE
0:19:31 > 0:19:34# What do tigers dream of
0:19:34 > 0:19:37# When they take a little tiger snooze?
0:19:37 > 0:19:40# Do they dream of mauling zebras
0:19:40 > 0:19:43# Or Halle Berry in her Catwoman suit?
0:19:44 > 0:19:47# Don't you worry your pretty stripy head
0:19:47 > 0:19:50# We're gonna get you back to Tyson and your cosy tiger bed
0:19:50 > 0:19:53# We're gonna find our best friend, Doug
0:19:53 > 0:19:57# And then we're gonna give him a best friend hug
0:19:57 > 0:20:00# Oh, Doug, whoa
0:20:00 > 0:20:01# Dougie Doug's gone
0:20:01 > 0:20:03# Doggy dog dog... #
0:20:03 > 0:20:06APPLAUSE
0:20:06 > 0:20:08Wait for it.
0:20:09 > 0:20:14# But if he's been murdered by crystal meth tweakers
0:20:14 > 0:20:16# Well, then we're shit out of luck. #
0:20:16 > 0:20:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:20:19 > 0:20:21Thank you.
0:20:21 > 0:20:23And you do date night as well, don't you?
0:20:23 > 0:20:26Yes, er, we try doing date nights to sort of, you know,
0:20:26 > 0:20:28get things, you know, moving. And...
0:20:28 > 0:20:32And we tried one, we went out for a lovely curry, had a lovely curry,
0:20:32 > 0:20:35got in, put a DVD on, champion.
0:20:35 > 0:20:38Halfway through the film, got a bit sort of, you know,
0:20:38 > 0:20:42a little bit smoochy, things started to get a little bit HOT.
0:20:42 > 0:20:45We'd forgotten that we'd had a curry a couple of hours before that.
0:20:45 > 0:20:48Nevertheless, he went downstairs, er...
0:20:48 > 0:20:51I mean, you know, you know downstairs, yeah?
0:20:51 > 0:20:53I don't mean for like a glass of water!
0:20:53 > 0:20:55No, I like it, I like it.
0:20:55 > 0:20:57Was this pre shower, during shower, after shower?
0:20:57 > 0:20:59After shower, I'm not a pervert.
0:20:59 > 0:21:02APPLAUSE
0:21:02 > 0:21:04We're keeping it fresh.
0:21:04 > 0:21:08And he went downstairs, and er...
0:21:08 > 0:21:12And it got, I mean it was fun, it was all going well.
0:21:12 > 0:21:15And I realised that I could... There's no nice way of saying this.
0:21:15 > 0:21:20I apologise in advance. I could feel a fart brewing.
0:21:20 > 0:21:21Look at his face!
0:21:27 > 0:21:30Er, now who's learning?
0:21:30 > 0:21:33So I could feel it and I didn't really know what to do.
0:21:33 > 0:21:36So what I did, similar to in the film Rain Man,
0:21:36 > 0:21:39I just started going, "Uh-oh, uh-oh!"
0:21:39 > 0:21:42And he just carried on.
0:21:42 > 0:21:47Cos, as he told me afterwards, he thought I was doing an impression of Beyonce.
0:21:53 > 0:21:55I thought I'd try a little experiment.
0:21:55 > 0:22:00So who's in relationships in the audience? How many people are in a relationship?
0:22:00 > 0:22:02Oh, quite a few.
0:22:02 > 0:22:04Yes, the man with the man bag.
0:22:04 > 0:22:09Very good, nice, nice. Who else is in a relationship?
0:22:09 > 0:22:11Who else?
0:22:11 > 0:22:12Oh, the two of you.
0:22:12 > 0:22:16- Now what's your name?- John.- John. What's you name?- Gerard.- Gerard.
0:22:16 > 0:22:19Do either of you have an iPhone?
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- Yes.- Can I see your iPhone for a second?
0:22:25 > 0:22:26OK.
0:22:26 > 0:22:28- What was your name again?- John.- OK.
0:22:28 > 0:22:30Is it locked?
0:22:30 > 0:22:33It's not, OK. Ooh, you've been to Cape Town, how nice.
0:22:34 > 0:22:38So if I go into messages...
0:22:38 > 0:22:40AUDIENCE GROANS
0:22:40 > 0:22:43Where's Gerard? OK. Oh!
0:22:43 > 0:22:46This is so lovely.
0:22:46 > 0:22:49Do you mind? This is really, this is gorgeous dialogue.
0:22:49 > 0:22:51I've got a little camera here.
0:22:55 > 0:22:57Look at this. Oh, look.
0:22:57 > 0:22:59"We are leaving now, Pickle."
0:22:59 > 0:23:01"Hurry hurry."
0:23:08 > 0:23:10Ahh.
0:23:11 > 0:23:13That's so cute. Oh, look.
0:23:13 > 0:23:15"Hope you're OK. Looks like we'll be here till ten."
0:23:15 > 0:23:17"OK, Pickle, hurry."
0:23:17 > 0:23:18"We're now leaving." "Hurry hurry."
0:23:18 > 0:23:21# Have a good day, angel."
0:23:21 > 0:23:23"You too, my darling angel."
0:23:23 > 0:23:26Oh, oh, oh, that is brilliant!
0:23:26 > 0:23:29"Did you manage to get Liza tickets?"
0:23:34 > 0:23:37Tom Lehrer, in my opinion, is the cleverest and funniest man
0:23:37 > 0:23:40of the 20th century and I just, he's kind of my hero.
0:23:40 > 0:23:43He wrote a song called The Elements, cos he was a scientist.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46It's the name of every element in the Periodic Table.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50And that's my party piece. It's quite long, so do stop me if you get bored.
0:23:50 > 0:23:54- OK.- This kept me up last night, I was so nervous about doing this.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57- Oh, I feel bad now.- No.
0:23:57 > 0:23:58OK, so.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00# There's antimony, arsenic, aluminium, selenium
0:24:00 > 0:24:02# And hydrogen and oxygen and nitrogen and rhenium
0:24:02 > 0:24:04# And nickel, neodymium, neptunium, germanium
0:24:04 > 0:24:05# And iron, americium, ruthenium, uranium
0:24:05 > 0:24:07# Europium, zirconium, lutetium, vanadium
0:24:07 > 0:24:08# And lanthanum and osmium and astatine and radium
0:24:08 > 0:24:10# And gold and protactinium and indium and gallium
0:24:10 > 0:24:12# And iodine and thorium and thulium and thallium
0:24:12 > 0:24:14# There's yttrium, ytterbium, actinium, rubidium
0:24:14 > 0:24:16# And boron, gadolinium, niobium, iridium
0:24:16 > 0:24:17# And strontium and silicon and silver and samarium
0:24:17 > 0:24:19# And bismuth, bromine, lithium, beryllium, and barium. #
0:24:19 > 0:24:20Then the next verse.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22# There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium...
0:24:22 > 0:24:23LAUGHTER
0:24:23 > 0:24:25# There's holmium and helium and hafnium and erbium
0:24:25 > 0:24:26# And phosphorus and francium and fluorine and terbium
0:24:26 > 0:24:27# And manganese and mercury, molybdenum, magnesium
0:24:27 > 0:24:29# Dysprosium and scandium and cerium and caesium
0:24:29 > 0:24:31# And lead, praseodymium, and platinum, plutonium
0:24:31 > 0:24:32# Palladium, promethium, potassium, polonium
0:24:32 > 0:24:34# And tantalum, technetium, titanium, tellurium
0:24:34 > 0:24:36# And cadmium and calcium and chromium and curium
0:24:36 > 0:24:39# There's sulphur, californium, and fermium, berkelium
0:24:39 > 0:24:41# And also mendelevium, einsteinium, nobelium
0:24:41 > 0:24:44# And argon, radon, neon... # Ah, and argon... Hold on, quiet!
0:24:44 > 0:24:46LAUGHTER
0:24:46 > 0:24:49# And argon, krypton, neon, radon, xenon, zinc, and rhodium
0:24:49 > 0:24:52# And chlorine, carbon, cobalt, copper, tungsten, tin, and sodium. #
0:24:52 > 0:24:56Now clap. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:24:59 > 0:25:00Is this...?
0:25:00 > 0:25:03Is this, sort of, what it was like?
0:25:03 > 0:25:04APPLAUSE
0:25:04 > 0:25:08- It's exactly the way it was. - Yeah?- Oh, exactly.
0:25:08 > 0:25:13I love Sigourney cos she's humouring us.
0:25:16 > 0:25:19Sandi, you've been very good.
0:25:19 > 0:25:23- No.- No.- But, no, get into character.
0:25:23 > 0:25:27- We're having breakfast and suddenly he starts coughing.- Right.
0:25:27 > 0:25:29- And he can't stop coughing.- OK.
0:25:29 > 0:25:33- And suddenly something starts to burst out of his chest.- OK.
0:25:33 > 0:25:38So, in the end he's in terrible pain.
0:25:38 > 0:25:40- We're going a bit hysterical, is that right?- Yes.
0:25:40 > 0:25:43You're thrashing around. Just move a leg.
0:25:43 > 0:25:45Thrashing, thrashing.
0:25:45 > 0:25:46OK. OK.
0:25:46 > 0:25:50OK. Screaming, and maybe moving backwards.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52SANDI SCREAMS
0:25:52 > 0:25:54GRAHAM SCREAMS
0:26:01 > 0:26:04APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:26:04 > 0:26:07Bravo. Bravo. It's good.
0:26:08 > 0:26:09Not bad.
0:26:12 > 0:26:13Here, have that.
0:26:15 > 0:26:17Oh my God.
0:26:19 > 0:26:21I am never seeing that film.
0:26:22 > 0:26:26It looks a little like a Tyrannosaurus Rex.
0:26:26 > 0:26:28I bet no-one has ever seen it from this angle.
0:26:28 > 0:26:33I don't want to be rude, but how much weight have you lost?
0:26:33 > 0:26:36We say it in pounds, so I have lost 80 pounds.
0:26:36 > 0:26:38- 80 pounds.- Wow.
0:26:38 > 0:26:39Wow!
0:26:39 > 0:26:40Thank you.
0:26:44 > 0:26:48- That's a lot.- That's like Victoria Beckham-and-a-half.
0:26:48 > 0:26:50- 80 pounds.- 80 pounds.
0:26:50 > 0:26:54- That's like six stone or something. - Six stone.- A whole singing person.
0:26:54 > 0:26:58People going, "Yes, it is. Yes. It's a combined weight. Yes, yes."
0:27:00 > 0:27:02- Are you hungry?- No.
0:27:02 > 0:27:05I get that too. Everywhere I go.
0:27:05 > 0:27:07"Are you hungry? Would you like something to eat?"
0:27:07 > 0:27:10No, but really, I can eat anything I like.
0:27:10 > 0:27:12It's about balance.
0:27:12 > 0:27:15We're having, like, a Weight Watchers meeting now. So, anyway, guys...
0:27:16 > 0:27:19- You track everything you eat. - I've tried...
0:27:19 > 0:27:22No, it is true, I've tried to do the Atkins.
0:27:22 > 0:27:26I tried that, where you don't eat any carbohydrates. It's...
0:27:26 > 0:27:30I don't know if anyone has tried it, you don't eat any bread.
0:27:30 > 0:27:34I had no bread for three days and I started to get dizzy.
0:27:34 > 0:27:38I had no bread for two weeks and I was hallucinating about bread.
0:27:38 > 0:27:40Everywhere you look you see bread.
0:27:40 > 0:27:43Bread, bread, a giant pulsating loaf of bread.
0:27:43 > 0:27:46Boom, boom, boom, boom. Play the piano,
0:27:46 > 0:27:50every key is a little mini baguette. "Eat me, eat me."
0:27:50 > 0:27:51The dogs are barking
0:27:51 > 0:27:55and all you can hear is, "bread, bread, bread, bread."
0:27:56 > 0:28:00I was actually going insane, and I did crack in the end.
0:28:00 > 0:28:04I licked the bread crumbs off a chicken Kiev.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08It wasn't mine, it was someone else's.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11"I've got to have it!"
0:28:11 > 0:28:12APPLAUSE
0:28:12 > 0:28:17Didn't you have a weird recognition thing when you were having hair removal?
0:28:17 > 0:28:19LAUGHTER
0:28:19 > 0:28:21- Did I tell that! - You told it somewhere.
0:28:21 > 0:28:23I talk too damn much sometimes.
0:28:23 > 0:28:28So you were having...bits done.
0:28:28 > 0:28:32- Hair removal, yes. - And they recognised you down there?
0:28:32 > 0:28:34LAUGHTER
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Wow.
0:28:39 > 0:28:40I know this...
0:28:44 > 0:28:47Don't laugh, that is horrible. Awful.
0:28:48 > 0:28:50OK, go.
0:28:50 > 0:28:54Well, I went to this wax salon,
0:28:54 > 0:28:58and she recognised me before I took my clothes off.
0:28:59 > 0:29:02And I think she couldn't wait until we were alone
0:29:02 > 0:29:06- so she could just ask for an autograph or something. - Get a picture.
0:29:06 > 0:29:10Or something like that, a picture, I was hoping an autograph.
0:29:10 > 0:29:16Then, obviously, I'm lying there in pain,
0:29:16 > 0:29:20and she just decides to bust out, and, you know what,
0:29:20 > 0:29:23every time I get the wax,
0:29:23 > 0:29:28I always specify that the lady is old and speaks Russian or not English.
0:29:30 > 0:29:33She was a 25-year-old American.
0:29:33 > 0:29:37She was basically, like, "I know who you are."
0:29:37 > 0:29:42"You're Rihanna, aren't you?" I was just like...
0:29:46 > 0:29:48Awkward. It was really awkward.
0:29:48 > 0:29:53Probably one of the most awkward moments in my entire life.
0:29:53 > 0:29:57I just got up and got out of there.
0:29:57 > 0:30:02"Do not ever bring me back here. I told you old and Russian!"
0:30:02 > 0:30:06- Well, thank you for sharing that story.- Thanks for bringing it up!
0:30:06 > 0:30:08Very good of you, very good of you.
0:30:11 > 0:30:14There's a book called Shop Horror, right,
0:30:14 > 0:30:18and it's a collection of all these terrible shop names in Britain.
0:30:18 > 0:30:21And there are quite a lot of good hairdressing ones.
0:30:21 > 0:30:23You'll like this one, here it is.
0:30:23 > 0:30:24Curling U Softley.
0:30:24 > 0:30:27LAUGHTER
0:30:27 > 0:30:30That sounds like, "Having A Shit".
0:30:30 > 0:30:31LAUGHTER
0:30:31 > 0:30:33Oh, David, that is...
0:30:33 > 0:30:36LAUGHTER
0:30:36 > 0:30:38He likes that.
0:30:38 > 0:30:42APPLAUSE
0:30:42 > 0:30:46Here's another hairdressing one. They've travelled.
0:30:46 > 0:30:48Blonde Dye Bleach.
0:30:48 > 0:30:50LAUGHTER
0:30:50 > 0:30:52Do you get it? Do you get it?
0:30:52 > 0:30:55Was that in Sydney? Blonde Dye Bleach?
0:30:55 > 0:30:57The shop? Look at that shop, Mary.
0:30:57 > 0:30:59LAUGHTER
0:30:59 > 0:31:03I really don't think it is, Mary.
0:31:03 > 0:31:06GRAHAM LAUGHS
0:31:06 > 0:31:08- Blonde Dye Bleach! - No, it's really not.
0:31:08 > 0:31:12Is Having A Shit in there? I liked that one.
0:31:12 > 0:31:17LAUGHTER
0:31:17 > 0:31:19They don't do this in America!
0:31:19 > 0:31:21LAUGHTER
0:31:21 > 0:31:24OK, imagine you're opening a fruit and veg shop
0:31:24 > 0:31:26and you're prone to depression.
0:31:26 > 0:31:30- OK.- What might you call it? This is good.
0:31:30 > 0:31:34You're prone to depression and you're opening a fruit and veg shop.
0:31:34 > 0:31:38- No? No guesses?- Oh, hang on. Give us a bit longer!- OK.
0:31:38 > 0:31:41Literally, people are watching us sit here and think of puns.
0:31:41 > 0:31:44LAUGHTER
0:31:44 > 0:31:47- Fruit and veg, a sort of depressive vegetable?- Down in the somewhere...
0:31:47 > 0:31:50Sprouts. Brussels sprouts.
0:31:50 > 0:31:53- You'll never get it.- Melon Colin?
0:31:57 > 0:32:00It's Melon Cauli!
0:32:00 > 0:32:04APPLAUSE
0:32:04 > 0:32:07Very good.
0:32:07 > 0:32:11- And what's the name of this tour? - The show is called Hello, Ladies. Um...
0:32:11 > 0:32:12WOLF WHISTLE
0:32:12 > 0:32:15No, don't patronise me. See, he got whoops and cheers.
0:32:15 > 0:32:17LAUGHTER
0:32:17 > 0:32:20Um, but it's really an excuse, um... I'll be honest,
0:32:20 > 0:32:24it's an excuse to maybe meet a wife. It seems like a good opportunity...
0:32:24 > 0:32:27AUDIENCE: Aww! Yeah. No, no. Come on.
0:32:27 > 0:32:31Um, so, yeah, it's a good opportunity to meet people.
0:32:31 > 0:32:34But I don't want lots of crazy women turning up with bridal gowns on
0:32:34 > 0:32:39and flooding the stage. Men are welcome and, you know.
0:32:39 > 0:32:43What if, in the middle of the tour, you really met someone?
0:32:45 > 0:32:47- Well, I'd end the tour.- Excellent.
0:32:47 > 0:32:51- "Goodbye, Ladies." - Yes, of course! "Farewell, Ladies!"
0:32:51 > 0:32:53The rest of the tour, just scribbling on all the posters!
0:32:53 > 0:32:56Oh, I want to make it clear, I'm not doing this for people's amusement.
0:32:56 > 0:33:01- This is to meet beautiful women. - So are ugly women not going to get a look in?- Welcome to come.
0:33:01 > 0:33:02LAUGHTER
0:33:02 > 0:33:03No! I didn't mean that!
0:33:03 > 0:33:07Ooh! Ooh! No! Oh! Oh!
0:33:07 > 0:33:12No! I meant, "They are welcome to come."
0:33:12 > 0:33:15They are welcome to come. You...
0:33:17 > 0:33:24- I've just put my ticket on eBay. - So have thousands of others!
0:33:24 > 0:33:27- I meant anyone is welcome. - You have to have sex with Jo now, that's the rule.
0:33:27 > 0:33:31No, no, no, no thank you.
0:33:31 > 0:33:33- What?! - I like big fat ones.
0:33:33 > 0:33:35LAUGHTER
0:33:35 > 0:33:38Pity, because I was just thinking how sexy you are.
0:33:38 > 0:33:41CHEERING
0:33:41 > 0:33:45Sorry, were you looking at me or...? LAUGHTER
0:33:45 > 0:33:47It wasn't clear. It wasn't specified.
0:33:47 > 0:33:48APPLAUSE
0:33:48 > 0:33:55Now, Liza, many of your fans have made their way in here tonight and,
0:33:55 > 0:34:02believe it or not, one of your fans is a man and he lives in Amsterdam.
0:34:02 > 0:34:05We can't draw conclusions, Liza, but those are the facts.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07Where is that man? Is it Chris?
0:34:07 > 0:34:11- Hi, Graham.- Hello, sir. Oh, bless. Chris is a very talented person.
0:34:11 > 0:34:16- You'll be impressed by this.- Yeah? - He has fashioned a likeness of you.
0:34:16 > 0:34:21So, if you could hand in the likeness... This is really good.
0:34:21 > 0:34:27It's a puppet of you. And, by the way, Chris said this isn't a gift.
0:34:27 > 0:34:31He's just showing it to you. He's just showing it to you, but...
0:34:31 > 0:34:34- Oh, it's great! I wish I looked that good!- You do!
0:34:34 > 0:34:39- Look, is that...? Let me just...- Ooh!
0:34:41 > 0:34:42Look at that!
0:34:42 > 0:34:46- And then that's arms, I believe. There's arms.- Oh!
0:34:47 > 0:34:51- And these are the legs.- Oh, man!
0:34:51 > 0:34:54So if I do that and that - look at that! You're raving it!
0:34:54 > 0:34:58APPLAUSE
0:34:58 > 0:35:00Now, this is good. Wait, look.
0:35:02 > 0:35:04I've commissioned a small chair.
0:35:04 > 0:35:06LAUGHTER
0:35:06 > 0:35:08So we can do scenes from Cabaret.
0:35:10 > 0:35:12Shall we put the lights down?
0:35:12 > 0:35:14Look at that.
0:35:14 > 0:35:16See, there you are, look at that.
0:35:16 > 0:35:18LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:18 > 0:35:20I'm so good at this!
0:35:20 > 0:35:23Oh, I am so good at this.
0:35:23 > 0:35:25- Now...- Yes?
0:35:25 > 0:35:28Pick up the leg and put it over the chair.
0:35:28 > 0:35:29Yes, I will. Hang on, what's the leg?
0:35:29 > 0:35:32That's a leg... One leg's going to go. There we go.
0:35:32 > 0:35:34Hello, hello...
0:35:34 > 0:35:36CHEERING
0:35:39 > 0:35:41There she goes!
0:35:45 > 0:35:47That was the first hip.
0:35:47 > 0:35:48LAUGHTER
0:35:50 > 0:35:54- That's great.- Isn't that really good? - So much effort has gone into that.
0:35:54 > 0:35:57- It is beautiful.- Look at that nose. I wish my nose looked liked that.
0:35:57 > 0:36:01- You look gorgeous.- So, Chris. How long ago were you in prison?
0:36:06 > 0:36:11Then preparing for a match, it's your diet, you can't have sex, nothing.
0:36:11 > 0:36:14No, you've got to live like a bit of a monk, to be honest.
0:36:14 > 0:36:16Everything that goes into your mouth...
0:36:16 > 0:36:18Except you can't have sex.
0:36:18 > 0:36:19LAUGHTER
0:36:22 > 0:36:24I'm joking.
0:36:24 > 0:36:25Monk humour.
0:36:26 > 0:36:30- You can have sex but you can't...unload.- Oh, good Lord.
0:36:30 > 0:36:34LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Oh, my God, stop. Stop...
0:36:48 > 0:36:50You know, it's not that...
0:36:50 > 0:36:51LAUGHTER
0:36:54 > 0:36:56But you do have your baby.
0:36:56 > 0:36:58It's not the physical side of sex that...
0:36:58 > 0:37:00Yeah, we get it!
0:37:00 > 0:37:01LAUGHTER
0:37:01 > 0:37:04If I put some chocolate in my wine...
0:37:04 > 0:37:07- Yeah, OK.- I'm dying over here!
0:37:07 > 0:37:09SHE COUGHS
0:37:09 > 0:37:11- Are you all right?- I'm choking!
0:37:11 > 0:37:13LAUGHTER
0:37:13 > 0:37:16- Stand up. Stand up.- Are you choking?!
0:37:16 > 0:37:17I just breathed water.
0:37:17 > 0:37:19- Here we go.- Uuuuuugh!
0:37:19 > 0:37:20LAUGHTER
0:37:20 > 0:37:21Is that it?
0:37:21 > 0:37:24He saved her life.
0:37:25 > 0:37:26Are you all right?
0:37:26 > 0:37:28I'm ready to help.
0:37:28 > 0:37:31If that gets water out of the lungs, then I'm fantastic.
0:37:33 > 0:37:36- You were seriously in distress there.- I was just... I was acting.
0:37:36 > 0:37:38LAUGHTER
0:37:38 > 0:37:39Give her an Oscar!
0:37:39 > 0:37:41LAUGHTER
0:37:41 > 0:37:44OK. So I just pour...
0:37:44 > 0:37:46This is like decanting.
0:37:46 > 0:37:49Be bold. Pour it in, pour it in.
0:37:49 > 0:37:52Oh, come on.
0:37:52 > 0:37:53Actually...
0:37:53 > 0:37:58- That is...- Not bad.- ..better than... - Should we check and see if it's OK?
0:37:58 > 0:38:00LAUGHTER
0:38:00 > 0:38:03CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:38:03 > 0:38:04Any good?
0:38:04 > 0:38:07Cameron Diaz and my socks.
0:38:07 > 0:38:10I just drank it through a sock.
0:38:10 > 0:38:11LAUGHTER
0:38:11 > 0:38:14- I have literally, this is true... - It tastes like Converse.
0:38:14 > 0:38:18I have literally just wrapped season six, came back from Utah
0:38:18 > 0:38:20and California yesterday and, um...
0:38:20 > 0:38:23- And those are the same socks?- ..and this hasn't been changed.
0:38:23 > 0:38:25LAUGHTER
0:38:25 > 0:38:27- So, well done, you.- Yum!
0:38:27 > 0:38:29Wine and cheese. It's lovely!
0:38:29 > 0:38:33Right? You get a little...
0:38:36 > 0:38:39How do you go on a date?
0:38:39 > 0:38:44Er, quite quietly, at night, in the dark.
0:38:44 > 0:38:45LAUGHTER
0:38:45 > 0:38:47Dogging? Is that what you're saying? Dogging?
0:38:49 > 0:38:50No.
0:38:50 > 0:38:55- Actual dog walking, yes, I do that. - You could go for a walk - that's a nice date.
0:38:55 > 0:38:57Wait, what's dogging?
0:38:57 > 0:38:59You don't want to know.
0:38:59 > 0:39:01I'll tell you later.
0:39:01 > 0:39:02Can you imagine
0:39:02 > 0:39:05coming home from the lay-by - "Was that Cher?"
0:39:05 > 0:39:07LAUGHTER
0:39:08 > 0:39:13It is strange, though, because I realised I'm completely rusty on the old flirting thing.
0:39:13 > 0:39:16You know, you do a bit of flirting when you're married
0:39:16 > 0:39:20because it's all...you know it's not going to go any further.
0:39:20 > 0:39:23But when it could I'm extremely bad at it.
0:39:23 > 0:39:28A chap took me out to the pictures just recently and we...
0:39:28 > 0:39:31Oh, God! And we got back to my house
0:39:31 > 0:39:36and he opened the car door and we got out and we walked up the steps to the...
0:39:36 > 0:39:38And I suddenly realised it was that moment.
0:39:38 > 0:39:40THAT moment, you know, just when...
0:39:40 > 0:39:44In fact, stand up. I'll show you exactly what happened. Sorry, Cher.
0:39:44 > 0:39:47So you come towards me a bit like...
0:39:47 > 0:39:48So, that was fun.
0:39:48 > 0:39:50Yeah, it was great. Great...
0:39:50 > 0:39:51LAUGHTER
0:39:55 > 0:39:57CHEERING AND LAUGHTER
0:40:01 > 0:40:05Why did I do that? Just decide to slap him quite hard.
0:40:05 > 0:40:07And then I put two thumbs up, like that.
0:40:07 > 0:40:13Two. Between your mouth and my mouth. Two thumbs. Definitely not kissing.
0:40:13 > 0:40:14I'm terrible at it.
0:40:14 > 0:40:17And then you did go to one of those ping-pong clubs.
0:40:17 > 0:40:19We did. Yes.
0:40:19 > 0:40:22We did, in our spare time.
0:40:22 > 0:40:27But we also shot stills there and I had a very unfortunate experience. With the ping-pong ball.
0:40:27 > 0:40:28What happened?
0:40:28 > 0:40:35- I was trying to be a showboat... - Mmm hmm...- And I open up my mouth and pretend to catch the ball...
0:40:35 > 0:40:36AUDIENCE GROANS
0:40:36 > 0:40:38And she called my bluff.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:40:40 > 0:40:41It was amazing.
0:40:41 > 0:40:43I am totally confused!
0:40:43 > 0:40:44LAUGHTER
0:40:44 > 0:40:47You thought the MTV story was bad!
0:40:47 > 0:40:49Wait till you hear this one.
0:40:49 > 0:40:52Yeah, off you go, Bradley.
0:40:52 > 0:40:55You tell Alex what the nice lady did.
0:41:00 > 0:41:07So you can pay to watch women...eject various objects out of their...
0:41:07 > 0:41:08..vaginal cavity.
0:41:08 > 0:41:09Was that proper...
0:41:09 > 0:41:12She played a nurse on ER, she knows what you're talking about.
0:41:12 > 0:41:15- Yeah, so, darts... - You make it sound so sexy.
0:41:15 > 0:41:19Darts, ping-pong balls, sort of, kites...
0:41:19 > 0:41:21LAUGHTER
0:41:21 > 0:41:23Ribbons to kites.
0:41:23 > 0:41:24Kites?!
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Ribbons, ribbons on the end of kites.
0:41:26 > 0:41:30If kites had flown out of there you'd have got her in the movie!
0:41:30 > 0:41:35The precision was incredible, this is one talented young woman.
0:41:35 > 0:41:37And, um...
0:41:37 > 0:41:41and so we were all sitting there. The monkey, Chow, myself and Stu, and I was like...
0:41:43 > 0:41:47- "This will be good, get this one." - "Wouldn't it be funny if..." - And then, BOOM!
0:41:47 > 0:41:52APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:41:52 > 0:41:53It was crazy!
0:41:55 > 0:41:58- You're Ross?- Yep.- And she's Fay? - She is indeed.
0:41:58 > 0:42:04- This is the tale of Ross and Fay. - She's put up with me for seven years now.
0:42:04 > 0:42:06- Seven years?- Seven years.
0:42:06 > 0:42:11Over the last few months, she's been dropping lots of hints
0:42:11 > 0:42:14about me asking her something.
0:42:14 > 0:42:17And I thought I would ask her now. Fay...
0:42:17 > 0:42:19- ..would you...- Do it!
0:42:19 > 0:42:21CHEERING
0:42:21 > 0:42:25APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:42:34 > 0:42:37No, no, no, that's mean!
0:42:37 > 0:42:38Should we do it properly?
0:42:38 > 0:42:40Should we do it properly?
0:42:40 > 0:42:43Graham, Graham, no, it was best that you dropped him!
0:42:43 > 0:42:45No, go back there with him.
0:42:45 > 0:42:49APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:42:57 > 0:43:00Uh, don't rush(!)
0:43:00 > 0:43:02LAUGHTER
0:43:04 > 0:43:06That was a bit of a walk to the gallows!
0:43:10 > 0:43:16- Maybe she's going to say no!- "Seven years, I was sort of winding it up."
0:43:16 > 0:43:20OK, here we go... Oh, oh, oh!
0:43:20 > 0:43:21What's happened, what's happened?
0:43:21 > 0:43:22Has anything happened since?
0:43:22 > 0:43:25Have you had a row? Have you made up?
0:43:25 > 0:43:28- OK, OK, so, now... - I've bought you this hamster.
0:43:28 > 0:43:33OK, here we go. This is real! Off we go.
0:43:33 > 0:43:35Fay... I love you.
0:43:35 > 0:43:36Will you marry me?
0:43:36 > 0:43:38Yeah!
0:43:38 > 0:43:40Awww!
0:43:40 > 0:43:42- APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - Do it, do it!
0:43:47 > 0:43:50APPLAUSE AND LAUGHTER
0:43:50 > 0:43:53Well done to Ross and Fay!
0:44:05 > 0:44:08Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
0:44:08 > 0:44:12E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk