0:00:02 > 0:00:04This programme contains some strong language.
0:00:04 > 0:00:07OK, I'll bring my guests out, I'll be behind here, you know the system.
0:00:07 > 0:00:10Is Paul here tonight? I'm quite excited. You are!
0:00:10 > 0:00:13MICHAEL LAUGHS AUDIENCE CHEERS
0:00:13 > 0:00:15- How are you? - Yeah, good.
0:00:15 > 0:00:18- Have you been recognised this week? - A few people.
0:00:18 > 0:00:21- Has that really happened? - In this building. Yeah.
0:00:21 > 0:00:23- Just in...- In this building, yeah.
0:00:23 > 0:00:25Paul, that's supposed to happen anyway.
0:00:25 > 0:00:27You work in this building.
0:00:27 > 0:00:30So no-one in the street has noticed? Oh.
0:00:30 > 0:00:32- ALL:- Aw...!
0:00:32 > 0:00:33But he's on the show again.
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Maybe if you say something funny...
0:00:38 > 0:00:39Sorry.
0:00:41 > 0:00:45CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:52 > 0:00:55On tonight's show -
0:00:55 > 0:00:57Jeremy Clarkson,
0:00:57 > 0:00:59Abbey Clancy
0:00:59 > 0:01:01and Sir David Jason.
0:01:04 > 0:01:08But now, please welcome your host, Mr Michael McIntyre.
0:01:08 > 0:01:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:01:21 > 0:01:23All right. All right. All right.
0:01:23 > 0:01:26Calm yourselves. Very good. Thank you very much.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27Good evening, ladies and gent...
0:01:27 > 0:01:30Oh, sorry, they've already told me to stand back!
0:01:30 > 0:01:31Apparently, I was too close.
0:01:31 > 0:01:35You know we did our first show last week, so I'm new to everything.
0:01:35 > 0:01:38Did you notice? I was too close. I started the show last week...
0:01:42 > 0:01:45Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
0:01:45 > 0:01:48- SINISTER VOICE: - Welcome to my shooowww!
0:01:48 > 0:01:50HE LAUGHS MANIACALLY
0:01:50 > 0:01:52Where do you want me?
0:01:52 > 0:01:54This is a bit shi...
0:01:54 > 0:01:56It's a bit IKEA, isn't it?
0:02:01 > 0:02:03Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
0:02:03 > 0:02:05and welcome to The Michael McIntyre Chat Show.
0:02:09 > 0:02:11Yes, this is my chat show.
0:02:11 > 0:02:12It's a late night chat show
0:02:12 > 0:02:15and thank you very much at home for staying up -
0:02:15 > 0:02:19any later, there'd be someone doing sign language in that corner.
0:02:21 > 0:02:24As you may have noticed, this show -
0:02:24 > 0:02:26and you certainly would have noticed
0:02:26 > 0:02:27if you are watching at home,
0:02:27 > 0:02:29we're on after the news -
0:02:29 > 0:02:31we're on after the regional news.
0:02:31 > 0:02:34My favourite regional newsreader is from BBC London
0:02:34 > 0:02:36and this is a picture of him.
0:02:36 > 0:02:38Do you recognise this man from the BBC?
0:02:38 > 0:02:40- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:02:40 > 0:02:42It makes me laugh... I don't know if you share my sense of humour.
0:02:42 > 0:02:45But it makes me laugh every time it starts because of his name -
0:02:45 > 0:02:48it's as childish as that - but this is his name.
0:02:48 > 0:02:51A very good evening, I'm Asad Ahmad.
0:02:51 > 0:02:53Every time I watch that I go,
0:02:53 > 0:02:55"Don't be sad, Ahmad."
0:03:00 > 0:03:03"Maybe news reading isn't your thing."
0:03:07 > 0:03:10OK. My first guest is a true global phenomenon.
0:03:10 > 0:03:13His television show is viewed in 174 countries,
0:03:13 > 0:03:16making it the making it the most watched factual TV programme on the planet.
0:03:16 > 0:03:18He's the top presenter of the top show
0:03:18 > 0:03:20that's at the top of the TV charts.
0:03:20 > 0:03:22Please welcome a man at the very top of his game -
0:03:22 > 0:03:24yes, it's Top Gear's Jeremy Clarkson.
0:03:24 > 0:03:31TOP GEAR THEME MUSIC
0:03:42 > 0:03:44Jeremy Clarkson is here, isn't that exciting?
0:03:44 > 0:03:46CHEERING
0:03:46 > 0:03:50It is even more exciting because you've come a long way.
0:03:50 > 0:03:53I have. I came from Holland Park.
0:03:53 > 0:03:55But before that I was in Australia.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57- But I'm here. - This is part of the tour?
0:03:57 > 0:03:59- Yes.- Tell me about it.
0:03:59 > 0:04:02I hear you go on these tours, but I don't know what that entails.
0:04:02 > 0:04:05Cars go around and around in circles and stuff blows up.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08People like it though and we take it around the world.
0:04:08 > 0:04:10Only on the basis that we can behave like rock stars.
0:04:10 > 0:04:13The three of us have no talent at all. None whatsoever.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16- That isn't true. - No, we really don't.
0:04:16 > 0:04:19We can't play an instrument, we can't sing, we can't do anything.
0:04:19 > 0:04:21But we live like rock gods!
0:04:21 > 0:04:23We have super yachts with helicopters on the back of them.
0:04:23 > 0:04:25- Not licence fee money! - Is this true?- Yes.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28So, this rock star thing... Living like rock stars.
0:04:28 > 0:04:30Do you get treated like it?
0:04:30 > 0:04:33Are there fanatics... Do you have groupies, and things?
0:04:33 > 0:04:35Not... Well, there are groupies,
0:04:35 > 0:04:38but they send to wear Subaru jackets and they're called Wayne.
0:04:39 > 0:04:42Not groupies like Mick Jagger would ever have had.
0:04:42 > 0:04:43"Y'all right, Jezza?"
0:04:43 > 0:04:45That's the level of it, really.
0:04:45 > 0:04:48This is on account of the fact that your show is on, what,
0:04:48 > 0:04:51their channels, or is it on BBC Worldwide?
0:04:51 > 0:04:55It's on obscure channels in places. It's on everywhere.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56There's no escape.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00It's mostly, I suspect, businessmen watching in hotels
0:05:00 > 0:05:02because they can't watch pornography
0:05:02 > 0:05:04because it'll show up on the bill.
0:05:04 > 0:05:06So it's like this...
0:05:07 > 0:05:10Sometimes it doesn't show up on the bill.
0:05:10 > 0:05:12Pornography?
0:05:12 > 0:05:16Because it warns you, it says, "This will show up as Room Service One."
0:05:16 > 0:05:21But everybody knows that Room Service One means strong pornography.
0:05:21 > 0:05:24- You take it to your boss and it says Room Service One...- I know. I know.
0:05:24 > 0:05:26There's no film called Room Service One.
0:05:27 > 0:05:30- How often do you do these tours? - A lot. A lot.
0:05:30 > 0:05:31That's how we live.
0:05:31 > 0:05:34We have to come back and make this annoying show.
0:05:35 > 0:05:36Not YOUR show - our show!
0:05:39 > 0:05:41Bit early to turn on me!
0:05:41 > 0:05:45Then you have to come back and go and do Top Gear.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47- This could never have been a plan of yours?- No.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49Beyond your wildest dreams.
0:05:49 > 0:05:52If someone said, would you like to fill a football stadium? God, yes!
0:05:52 > 0:05:57Cos I've got footage of your first ever Top Gear appearance.
0:05:57 > 0:06:01Oh, God, jetlag's just caught up with my bowels, so...!
0:06:02 > 0:06:04Oh, God, that actually hurt.
0:06:04 > 0:06:06I've never seen this.
0:06:06 > 0:06:09- So this is your very first Top Gear appearance.- Oh, God...!
0:06:09 > 0:06:13Customising has been a very dirty word.
0:06:13 > 0:06:15You customise a Ford Capri,
0:06:15 > 0:06:18you do not customise a modern day Bentley or Rolls-Royce.
0:06:18 > 0:06:22What Hooper, bespoke coach builders for more than a century, do
0:06:22 > 0:06:23is Hooperise them.
0:06:28 > 0:06:32It began life as a pretty standard Bentley Turbo R with four doors
0:06:32 > 0:06:35and has been converted into a "two-door coupe" -
0:06:35 > 0:06:38with one long door on either side.
0:06:38 > 0:06:40That means there's pretty substantial alterations
0:06:40 > 0:06:42between here and here.
0:06:43 > 0:06:45"YAWNS" LOUDLY
0:06:45 > 0:06:48That accent is incredible, isn't it?
0:06:48 > 0:06:50I asked the researchers to try and find when you started to become
0:06:50 > 0:06:55- more the Clarkson we...we recognise today.- "..in the world."
0:06:55 > 0:06:58Three years later they came up with this footage.
0:06:58 > 0:07:01Well, that may be the case for the F-40,
0:07:01 > 0:07:02but what about the 348 here?
0:07:02 > 0:07:04It only costs a miserable £76,000.
0:07:04 > 0:07:07Surely you could live with one of these every day of the week.
0:07:07 > 0:07:09- So...- Sorry.
0:07:10 > 0:07:11There's an evolution.
0:07:11 > 0:07:14Well, the hair had certainly evolved.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17That was a last ditch "You're going bald in a minute, matey-boy."
0:07:19 > 0:07:22- This is three years. - Yeah.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25So you're able to just wear what you liked, obviously, at this point...?
0:07:25 > 0:07:27LAUGHTER
0:07:27 > 0:07:29- But this was an early Top Gear, was it?- Yeah.
0:07:29 > 0:07:31When did Top Gear become revolutionised?
0:07:31 > 0:07:36It changed in 2002 into what it is now, with May and Hammond.
0:07:36 > 0:07:37Well, not May, the first series,
0:07:37 > 0:07:41because he was lost, or he drove so slowly he didn't get there till...
0:07:41 > 0:07:42the second series started.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44But, yes, it started in 2002.
0:07:44 > 0:07:46- And you cast them, didn't you? - I cast Hammond.
0:07:46 > 0:07:48I'd known May for a long time.
0:07:48 > 0:07:51Bless him, life wasn't going too well for him.
0:07:51 > 0:07:53I found him on the streets of Bath, actually drinking meths
0:07:53 > 0:07:57and rambling incoherently...
0:07:57 > 0:08:01about Second World War aeroplanes.
0:08:01 > 0:08:03We managed to tidy him up a bit, get him off the meths
0:08:03 > 0:08:06and he's not a bad presenter now, with editing.
0:08:07 > 0:08:10Tell me about it!
0:08:10 > 0:08:11LAUGHTER
0:08:11 > 0:08:15But your accent and your intonations are, you know,
0:08:15 > 0:08:18what make you so, well, so hilarious and...yourself.
0:08:18 > 0:08:20What, the "pause...in the world"?
0:08:20 > 0:08:22When did that happen?
0:08:22 > 0:08:24That's because when you go to do voiceover,
0:08:24 > 0:08:26you do the voiceover lines
0:08:26 > 0:08:28and getting your breathing right
0:08:28 > 0:08:30if you smoke a lot's really tricky.
0:08:30 > 0:08:32So "This is the fastest car in the world" -
0:08:32 > 0:08:34it's really hard for a smoker to do that.
0:08:34 > 0:08:37"It's the fastest car... in the world."
0:08:38 > 0:08:41That's brilliant!
0:08:41 > 0:08:43It is your fortune! It is your fortune!
0:08:43 > 0:08:46- It's just smoking. - Smoking? Smoking?
0:08:46 > 0:08:49I can't talk for a long time... without taking the pause.
0:08:51 > 0:08:55So I've got some questions for you, if you don't mind, about driving.
0:08:55 > 0:08:57Just things I want you to clear up.
0:08:57 > 0:09:00- The amber light...- Yeah.
0:09:00 > 0:09:04- You know the red and the green's separated by the amber one?- It is.
0:09:04 > 0:09:06This is kind of basic...
0:09:06 > 0:09:09Yes, but it's something I've always wanted to ask someone who'd know.
0:09:09 > 0:09:12What is it for, that one? The yellow one?
0:09:12 > 0:09:15It's to warn you that something else is about to happen.
0:09:15 > 0:09:17If it just went red-green, like they have in France,
0:09:17 > 0:09:20everybody's killed - like happens in France.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23If you're driving towards it and it goes yellow,
0:09:23 > 0:09:25my wife thinks that means stop,
0:09:25 > 0:09:27and I think it means hurry up before it goes red.
0:09:28 > 0:09:30So which is it?
0:09:30 > 0:09:32It's either.
0:09:32 > 0:09:34You're given the choice.
0:09:34 > 0:09:37You can choose. You know you've got to do something...
0:09:37 > 0:09:39The control is in the driver's hands.
0:09:39 > 0:09:40Your wife thinks she has to stop,
0:09:40 > 0:09:42you think you have to speed up,
0:09:42 > 0:09:44but at least you know you must do something.
0:09:44 > 0:09:46If you're there and it's red and suddenly it went green...
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- That's right. - ..it would be a disaster.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51There's another one where it flashes yellow
0:09:51 > 0:09:53and the pedestrians, they don't know if it's them,
0:09:53 > 0:09:55the driver's, "Is it me?"
0:09:55 > 0:09:58And you just look at each other - "I don't know."
0:09:58 > 0:10:00The driver's, "I don't know either."
0:10:00 > 0:10:01It's a very confusing moment.
0:10:01 > 0:10:03I wanted to talk about road crossings.
0:10:03 > 0:10:06How are you as a pedestrian, as opposed to a driver?
0:10:06 > 0:10:08Oh, I'm fine at crossing the road, but I use my ears,
0:10:08 > 0:10:11and this is where I get in a terrible tangle sometimes with cyclists.
0:10:11 > 0:10:13I had Green Cross Code, "Look left, right..."
0:10:13 > 0:10:15I haven't got time for all that.
0:10:15 > 0:10:17I walk out and there's INVARIABLY a cyclist coming.
0:10:17 > 0:10:20And THEN you hear them - God, they shout!
0:10:22 > 0:10:25And then they go past, shaking their head.
0:10:25 > 0:10:28They go away doing that...
0:10:28 > 0:10:30Or they look back.
0:10:31 > 0:10:33That's a great look.
0:10:33 > 0:10:35My chair hasn't got wheels on, but, yes!
0:10:35 > 0:10:37That's... Yes!
0:10:37 > 0:10:40Have you seen the new crossings that have the timers?
0:10:40 > 0:10:43Oh, they're brilliant. They're really good.
0:10:43 > 0:10:45You can get it into first and ready to go - I love those!
0:10:45 > 0:10:48- Can you see the time as a motorist? - Yeah, yeah.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51Because they're for pedestrians, really.
0:10:52 > 0:10:56- It is not a countdown like at Grand Prix.- It is!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59You are not there going, it's - Go! Go! Go!
0:11:00 > 0:11:02This was on the news the other day
0:11:02 > 0:11:03when they were talking about how long
0:11:03 > 0:11:06it takes the elderly to get across a road,
0:11:06 > 0:11:10and should pedestrian lights be longer?
0:11:10 > 0:11:13Should they take longer?
0:11:13 > 0:11:16"Because motorists rev their engines" - I've NEVER seen that happen.
0:11:16 > 0:11:19I've never seen a car driver going - Rrrrrrrm...
0:11:19 > 0:11:20"Get out of the way, old woman!"
0:11:20 > 0:11:23It only happens in the mind of Jeremy Vine.
0:11:24 > 0:11:29You can see it - I don't know if it's 25 seconds or 30 seconds...
0:11:29 > 0:11:32It's plenty. You could crawl across!
0:11:32 > 0:11:34But it's when there's only seven seconds left,
0:11:34 > 0:11:38and you can see an old person thinking, "Can I do it in seven?"
0:11:38 > 0:11:39And they just set off,
0:11:39 > 0:11:42and you can see the clock and... and it's gone,
0:11:42 > 0:11:45and they're nowhere near and they're like,
0:11:45 > 0:11:46"I thought I could do it in seven."
0:11:46 > 0:11:49The thing is, here I am, you're there - I'm in my car,
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I'm not going to say, "Well, ... you. I'm going to run you down."
0:11:52 > 0:11:57"You're an old person, you fought in the war, off you go."
0:11:57 > 0:12:00That's very kind of you. Because what do is, I rush the first bit,
0:12:00 > 0:12:02and then I just spend some time in the middle.
0:12:06 > 0:12:08You'd get knocked down.
0:12:10 > 0:12:12Idiot. You idiot.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16So what I've noticed on my travels -
0:12:16 > 0:12:20and you will have obviously noticed this on your travels -
0:12:20 > 0:12:22is the green man and the red man when you're crossing the road.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25So there's the red man, he's put weight on!
0:12:25 > 0:12:27And there's the green man setting off.
0:12:27 > 0:12:30- But around the world this changes. - Yeah.
0:12:30 > 0:12:33So, in America... It's very literal in America.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36They don't have anyone speaking other languages there,
0:12:36 > 0:12:39which is why American cars always have what it is
0:12:39 > 0:12:41written on the switches.
0:12:41 > 0:12:44It says cigarette lighter, horn, light...
0:12:44 > 0:12:46Whereas everywhere else in the world,
0:12:46 > 0:12:48where there are other languages, it's symbols.
0:12:48 > 0:12:50That's just how stupid they are!
0:12:50 > 0:12:52LAUGHTER
0:12:52 > 0:12:54They are very literal like that.
0:12:54 > 0:12:57It's like they call glasses - or spectacles - eye glasses.
0:12:57 > 0:13:01They have to specify where they go on your face.
0:13:01 > 0:13:05Every other word is wrong. I mean, vest. No. Pants. No.
0:13:05 > 0:13:07When it gets to cars -
0:13:07 > 0:13:13sedan, hood, fender, freeway, interstate, sidewalk...
0:13:14 > 0:13:16- Trunk.- Trunk.
0:13:16 > 0:13:19Trunk is on the front of an elephant, not on the back of a saloon car,
0:13:19 > 0:13:21but they have no idea.
0:13:21 > 0:13:22Gas... Gas!
0:13:22 > 0:13:24They call a liquid "gas"!
0:13:24 > 0:13:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:13:28 > 0:13:29Mental.
0:13:33 > 0:13:35In France.
0:13:35 > 0:13:36I love this one.
0:13:37 > 0:13:39This is... How cool!
0:13:39 > 0:13:41This guy is in, like, a tailored...
0:13:41 > 0:13:42a perfectly tailored suit.
0:13:42 > 0:13:44He's just the coolest guy.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46"I will cross when I want to."
0:13:46 > 0:13:49Then he just sets off, he's the most relaxed. "OK..."
0:13:53 > 0:13:54This is Germany.
0:13:54 > 0:13:56Look at that.
0:13:59 > 0:14:01- SHOUTS:- Nobody Move!
0:14:01 > 0:14:03Let us go!
0:14:07 > 0:14:09Do you know what's really annoying about all this?
0:14:09 > 0:14:11We've been doing Top Gear for 11 years
0:14:11 > 0:14:13and never thought to bring that up
0:14:13 > 0:14:14and you have on only your second show!
0:14:14 > 0:14:17And it isn't even a car show.
0:14:17 > 0:14:19WILD CHEERING
0:14:21 > 0:14:24Jeremy, it's been amazing, you coming in with all this jet lag.
0:14:24 > 0:14:26You've been wonderful and hilarious...
0:14:26 > 0:14:29Oh, it's just a joy to see a man starting out in his career.
0:14:31 > 0:14:34Ladies and gentlemen, the absolutely fantastic Mr Jeremy Clarkson!
0:14:34 > 0:14:38Thank you, everybody. Thank you, thank you.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41- Thank you so much. That was really, really brilliant.- Pleasure.
0:14:41 > 0:14:43- Hilarious.- Thank you very much.
0:14:43 > 0:14:45- Jeremy Clarkson! - Thank you so much.
0:14:47 > 0:14:49Right.
0:14:50 > 0:14:52OK, if you saw the show last week,
0:14:52 > 0:14:55you'll know I played a game with someone in the audience,
0:14:55 > 0:14:57and I've had a lot of very good feedback about this
0:14:57 > 0:14:59and I'd very much like to do it again.
0:14:59 > 0:15:01But, of course, it depends on you!
0:15:01 > 0:15:05This was the Send To All game that led to so much hilarity.
0:15:05 > 0:15:08So what I'm looking for now is a volunteer
0:15:08 > 0:15:10who'll give me their mobile phone.
0:15:10 > 0:15:12If you'll raise your hand.
0:15:12 > 0:15:14We've got a bloke here.
0:15:14 > 0:15:16What's your name?
0:15:16 > 0:15:18- Andrew.- Where you from?
0:15:18 > 0:15:21- I'm from Liverpool. - MIMICS ACCENT:- Liverpool.
0:15:21 > 0:15:22Thank you so much for this.
0:15:22 > 0:15:25We'll have a lot of fun, and it'll all work out in the end.
0:15:25 > 0:15:28Ladies and gentlemen, a huge hand for the very, very generous Andrew!
0:15:32 > 0:15:35RIGHT, so here I have your phone.
0:15:35 > 0:15:36What do you do for a living?
0:15:36 > 0:15:40I work at the National Physical Laboratory, as a scientist.
0:15:40 > 0:15:42ALL: Ooooh...!
0:15:43 > 0:15:46It's amazing, you never know what occupation
0:15:46 > 0:15:49is going to get a whoop from an audience.
0:15:49 > 0:15:51- What you do for a living? - I'm a student.
0:15:51 > 0:15:53Nothing.
0:15:53 > 0:15:56Why don't you elaborate slightly on what kind of science?
0:15:56 > 0:15:58Well, the National Physical Laboratory
0:15:58 > 0:16:00is the national measurement institute.
0:16:00 > 0:16:05So it makes sure a kilogram is a kilogram, a metre is a metre.
0:16:05 > 0:16:10LAUGHTER
0:16:10 > 0:16:12No, no, no...!
0:16:12 > 0:16:13LAUGHTER CONTINUES
0:16:13 > 0:16:16No. You've got, like, a weighing machine?
0:16:16 > 0:16:18Yeah. Yeah. Pretty much.
0:16:20 > 0:16:21I don't understand.
0:16:21 > 0:16:24You went to John Lewis, you bought some scales,
0:16:24 > 0:16:26and now you're telling people...
0:16:26 > 0:16:28"I'm basically a scientist."
0:16:30 > 0:16:33"Did you see what happened? I put a kilo of flour, which I bought,
0:16:33 > 0:16:37"and I put on top of the weighing machine and it says a kilo."
0:16:37 > 0:16:40"Well, that's me. I'm basically a scientist."
0:16:40 > 0:16:42APPLAUSE
0:16:42 > 0:16:44I don't understand!
0:16:45 > 0:16:49Do you just get a tape measure...
0:16:49 > 0:16:51"Yeah, that's a metre."
0:16:51 > 0:16:54"I've over qualified!"
0:16:55 > 0:16:57You've got a very confusing job.
0:16:57 > 0:16:59Are you in a relationship?
0:16:59 > 0:17:02- Yeah, I'm engaged. - Aw, that's very sweet.
0:17:02 > 0:17:03Erm, to...?
0:17:03 > 0:17:05Nina.
0:17:05 > 0:17:06Nina.
0:17:06 > 0:17:08Nina. I like the name Nina.
0:17:08 > 0:17:12It's a bit like a siren - Nina. Nina.
0:17:12 > 0:17:14There's a newsreader called Nina Nanar.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17What kind of a name is that?
0:17:17 > 0:17:20Who would name their child Ni-na Na-nar?
0:17:21 > 0:17:24Maybe when they were naming her there was an ambulance going past.
0:17:24 > 0:17:27"I like the sound of that!"
0:17:27 > 0:17:29"Shall we go for Barbara or Nina Nanar?"
0:17:31 > 0:17:34Oh, bless you for having Mary Berry's app!
0:17:34 > 0:17:36Oh, you're adorable!
0:17:36 > 0:17:38Does she come to you for measurements?
0:17:40 > 0:17:44- MIMICS MARY:- "Andrew, I am making a cake at the moment,
0:17:44 > 0:17:46"how much flour is it, again?"
0:17:47 > 0:17:52- LIVERPUDLIAN ACCENT:- "Well, according to my calculations,
0:17:52 > 0:17:54"it's EXACTLY one kilogram."
0:17:58 > 0:18:03"Well, it's so lovely to speak to an actual scientist about this!"
0:18:03 > 0:18:06OK. So the text message I'm going to write into Andrew's phone
0:18:06 > 0:18:09and send to all of his contacts is,
0:18:09 > 0:18:12"You and me need to spend more time together.
0:18:12 > 0:18:16"This weekend, I'll hire a car and we'll just drive."
0:18:23 > 0:18:25You...and me...
0:18:25 > 0:18:28need to spend...
0:18:28 > 0:18:33more...time...together.
0:18:33 > 0:18:36"This weekend, I'll hire a car and we'll just drive."
0:18:38 > 0:18:40And then I'll go - "You in?"
0:18:42 > 0:18:44OK, so I'm going to send that.
0:18:44 > 0:18:47Ladies and gentlemen, a huge hand for the very generous and wonderful
0:18:47 > 0:18:49Andrew from Liverpool!
0:18:49 > 0:18:51Thank you very much. Thank you!
0:18:58 > 0:19:01My next guest is the sultry, seductive, Scouse sensation
0:19:01 > 0:19:04who went from runway to rumba.
0:19:04 > 0:19:06She's a lingerie model, fashion designer
0:19:06 > 0:19:08and the reigning champion of Strictly Come Dancing -
0:19:08 > 0:19:11please welcome the beautiful, wonderful, fabulous,
0:19:11 > 0:19:12wondrous, glorious...
0:19:12 > 0:19:14It's Abbey Clancy!
0:19:19 > 0:19:22Abbey, darling, thank you for coming on my show.
0:19:22 > 0:19:24Abbey Clancy!
0:19:24 > 0:19:25APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:19:30 > 0:19:33- Abbey, darling, thank you for being here.- Thanks for having me.
0:19:33 > 0:19:34Abbey, congratulations.
0:19:34 > 0:19:38- Strictly Come Dancing was just amazing.- Amazing.
0:19:38 > 0:19:41It was the most incredible experience I have ever had,
0:19:41 > 0:19:43learning how to dance.
0:19:43 > 0:19:45Had you danced at all before?
0:19:45 > 0:19:48No. I used to do dancing when I was a little girl,
0:19:48 > 0:19:52but I got thrown out for just looking in the mirror and fixing my hair.
0:19:53 > 0:19:58It was just incredible. I loved it and did not expect to get so far.
0:19:58 > 0:20:03Why do people love it so much? It is as if they get almost hypnotised.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06You see them when they are standing and being judged.
0:20:06 > 0:20:09They are out of breath and it's always very tactile
0:20:09 > 0:20:12and they love each other so much and they look into each other's eyes
0:20:12 > 0:20:14and say, "I love you so much,"
0:20:14 > 0:20:16- and they have been training for three days!- I know!
0:20:16 > 0:20:20It is so weird. It completely takes over your life.
0:20:20 > 0:20:23- It's amazing. - Incredibly intense.- It is intense.
0:20:23 > 0:20:28- How many hours a week?- I was doing seven hours a day.- No!
0:20:28 > 0:20:31- Yeah.- Every day?- Every day, yeah. - Seven hours?- Mm.
0:20:31 > 0:20:37- That's too long!- Ten till six, I did.- And who was your partner?- Aljaz.
0:20:37 > 0:20:39This was my favourite dance. Amazing.
0:20:39 > 0:20:42This is when I wanted you to win, when I saw this.
0:20:42 > 0:20:46I was very firm on it in my house. I could not believe it.
0:20:46 > 0:20:48- Which one is it? - When you got all tens.
0:20:48 > 0:20:49- Is it a Latin dance? - It is a Latin dance.
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- A salsa.- I like that one cos there's lots of moving.
0:20:52 > 0:20:57I don't like the one where you just walk around like that.
0:20:57 > 0:21:01That is the one I love, the tango!
0:21:01 > 0:21:02LAUGHTER
0:21:03 > 0:21:05Your posture is all wrong, Michael.
0:21:05 > 0:21:07I think that was shit.
0:21:07 > 0:21:12I like the ones where... I don't think the men do much, am I wrong?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15The men just do this sort of...
0:21:15 > 0:21:16LAUGHTER
0:21:17 > 0:21:19And then they just point at the girl.
0:21:19 > 0:21:21"You do it. I'm just going to do this."
0:21:23 > 0:21:25What is this shit anyway? What is this?
0:21:26 > 0:21:31- That's fabulous!- Do they walk like that all the time?
0:21:31 > 0:21:32They do, actually.
0:21:34 > 0:21:36It is such a weird way to behave.
0:21:39 > 0:21:40APPLAUSE
0:21:41 > 0:21:45You should go on Strictly. You'd win it with them moves.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48- Please go on it, I'll vote for you. - It is exhausting!
0:21:50 > 0:21:53- This is my favourite one. It was magical.- Let me see.
0:22:14 > 0:22:16APPLAUSE
0:22:19 > 0:22:22- You were incredible. - I think it was the curly wig.
0:22:22 > 0:22:26Does it excite you that you can do that? Are you going to keep it up?
0:22:26 > 0:22:29You can do that. The music can start and you can do that.
0:22:29 > 0:22:31I can only do that dance.
0:22:31 > 0:22:34I don't know any other salsa dances.
0:22:34 > 0:22:36That's enough!
0:22:36 > 0:22:39People say, "Do you want to keep it up?" Where would I go?
0:22:39 > 0:22:41To the local salsa club and say,
0:22:41 > 0:22:44"I won Strictly, so I can just come in and be a professional."
0:22:47 > 0:22:51So tell me about... Apparently, you are involved,
0:22:51 > 0:22:54this sounds like I'm being a pervert,
0:22:54 > 0:22:56but apparently this is something
0:22:56 > 0:22:58- you wanted to talk about so I... - I wanted to talk about?
0:22:58 > 0:23:00They tell me you are doing a campaign.
0:23:00 > 0:23:03I felt very uncomfortable to be the one sitting here saying,
0:23:03 > 0:23:05"Tell me about lingerie, Abbey."
0:23:05 > 0:23:07They said you wanted to talk about it.
0:23:07 > 0:23:10I said I don't want to talk about lingerie!
0:23:10 > 0:23:13- I didn't want to talk about it, you did.- I never mentioned it.
0:23:13 > 0:23:19I find lingerie... Lingerie is the most embarrassing subject.
0:23:19 > 0:23:22I cannot get into lingerie. That came out wrong!
0:23:23 > 0:23:26That is funny. That is funny.
0:23:26 > 0:23:30- It is very embarrassing. I can't even say it. Lingerie.- Lingerie.
0:23:32 > 0:23:37So... You advertise it, lingerie, Ultimo, is that right?
0:23:37 > 0:23:39- Yes.- And you are the face/body of it?
0:23:39 > 0:23:42- Yeah.- You're the Ultimo person.
0:23:42 > 0:23:43There it is!
0:23:44 > 0:23:46That is you just after the Top Gear recording!
0:23:46 > 0:23:48LAUGHTER
0:23:49 > 0:23:54- MIMICS JEREMY CLARKSON: - Get into...my car.
0:23:54 > 0:23:57Do you design this? Take it off.
0:23:57 > 0:23:59No, not take it off, I mean...
0:23:59 > 0:24:00LAUGHTER
0:24:01 > 0:24:03Take the picture off.
0:24:06 > 0:24:08Tell me your involvement in the campaign.
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- I don't design it, I just model it. - Right, OK.
0:24:11 > 0:24:13But how do you manage?
0:24:13 > 0:24:16Who is photographed more than you?
0:24:16 > 0:24:20You are being photographed an awful... Today.
0:24:20 > 0:24:22Tell me about your day-to-day.
0:24:22 > 0:24:25OK, so today, you cannot open the blinds
0:24:25 > 0:24:27because there are 15 paparazzi outside.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30My daughter said, "Those men are there again, taking pictures."
0:24:30 > 0:24:32It's insane. It drives me mad.
0:24:32 > 0:24:36- What time do they get in? - They sit there all day.
0:24:36 > 0:24:40I'm taking the baby to nursery, going to Tesco. I'm going to work.
0:24:40 > 0:24:42It is the same picture, different outfit.
0:24:42 > 0:24:46Today I wanted to go to the park with the baby and get an ice cream
0:24:46 > 0:24:51and it's difficult when you have got ten men in the kids' park with you.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53- It's a bit weird.- Very weird.
0:24:53 > 0:24:58But then I've had a really happy career, so I can't complain.
0:24:58 > 0:25:01- You just have to balance the two. - Selfies. You do some selfies.
0:25:01 > 0:25:03I don't know anything about selfies.
0:25:03 > 0:25:06- It is a very strange world, the selfie.- I know, it's weird.
0:25:06 > 0:25:09People talk about selfies all the time.
0:25:09 > 0:25:11What is the big deal of someone holding up a camera
0:25:11 > 0:25:14and taking a picture of themselves?
0:25:14 > 0:25:18I only do it because other people do it. I hate pictures of meself.
0:25:18 > 0:25:21But you get a chance to choose it, though.
0:25:21 > 0:25:24It takes about three hours to get the selfie right.
0:25:24 > 0:25:26You are in a house surrounded by paparazzi
0:25:26 > 0:25:29and you're inside, photographing your own face!
0:25:29 > 0:25:32LAUGHTER I know! I know.
0:25:32 > 0:25:33APPLAUSE
0:25:36 > 0:25:38I know, it's weird, it's bizarre.
0:25:38 > 0:25:42We have some selfies taken by you. This is taken by your own arm.
0:25:42 > 0:25:45- This is what I'm talking about. - This is a drunk picture.
0:25:45 > 0:25:47Pete's pouting more than I am!
0:25:47 > 0:25:50- What is Peter doing there? - He is pouting. He's pouting.
0:25:50 > 0:25:52How do you pout?
0:25:52 > 0:25:55- Can you show me?- Oh, my God, that is remarkable!
0:25:57 > 0:25:59So, this...
0:25:59 > 0:26:01This is what they have done for us.
0:26:01 > 0:26:03Apparently, this is my phone.
0:26:03 > 0:26:06OK, so... AAAAGH!
0:26:06 > 0:26:08CHEERING
0:26:11 > 0:26:14Right. You have to tell me what to do.
0:26:14 > 0:26:17- How far away?- Chin down a bit. - Chin down.
0:26:17 > 0:26:19Oh, yes, you are right.
0:26:19 > 0:26:25- My chins bunch up.- Put your head out a bit and you will lose all that.
0:26:25 > 0:26:26I have lost weight!
0:26:28 > 0:26:29This is amazing!
0:26:30 > 0:26:31Head out.
0:26:31 > 0:26:34Chin down. Pout your lips.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Perfect.
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Amazing!- Is that good?
0:26:41 > 0:26:42LAUGHTER
0:26:43 > 0:26:45All right.
0:26:45 > 0:26:46Let's come round.
0:26:49 > 0:26:52Don't take one of me. I look horrendous!
0:26:54 > 0:26:55This is great.
0:26:55 > 0:26:58This should be on the Daily Mail website by midnight.
0:27:00 > 0:27:03- Are you pouting?- Of course! What else do you think I'm doing?
0:27:05 > 0:27:06I'm not eating pasta.
0:27:10 > 0:27:13That is awesome! Brilliant.
0:27:13 > 0:27:16- Look at that! - APPLAUSE
0:27:16 > 0:27:19Abbey Clancy, thank you so, so very much for coming on the show.
0:27:19 > 0:27:21Thank you.
0:27:21 > 0:27:25Ladies and gentlemen, the beautiful,
0:27:25 > 0:27:30wonderful, darling... Thank you so much. Abbey Clancy!
0:27:30 > 0:27:32APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:27:35 > 0:27:36Right, OK, now...
0:27:36 > 0:27:40Of course, we have a phone here that belongs to Andrew.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42We had better check in.
0:27:42 > 0:27:45A quick reminder of the text I sent out, which was,
0:27:45 > 0:27:48"You and me need to spend more time together.
0:27:48 > 0:27:51"This weekend, I'll hire a car and we'll just drive.
0:27:51 > 0:27:54"Are you in?"
0:27:54 > 0:27:56Well, I can tell you, Andrew, that 31 people have responded.
0:27:56 > 0:27:58LAUGHTER
0:27:58 > 0:28:03I think I might come to you, actually. You're too far away.
0:28:05 > 0:28:08We have somebody called Tara.
0:28:08 > 0:28:11- A work colleague. - A work colleague.
0:28:11 > 0:28:12OK, well, um...
0:28:15 > 0:28:18She's in. She says, "Yeah, that sounds good."
0:28:20 > 0:28:23You might have some explaining to do there.
0:28:25 > 0:28:29- Richard Miller, friend of yours? - A good friend.- Is he from Liverpool?
0:28:29 > 0:28:31- He is from Newcastle.- Newcastle!
0:28:31 > 0:28:34He has just done, "Mate, are you pissed?"
0:28:34 > 0:28:35LAUGHTER
0:28:37 > 0:28:39It's actually a really good one.
0:28:39 > 0:28:42He's gone, "Mate, RU pissed?
0:28:42 > 0:28:45"I'd never go anywhere without planning a route first."
0:28:45 > 0:28:46LAUGHTER
0:28:53 > 0:28:57Oh, my goodness. Kenny is so up for this. Who is Kenny?
0:28:57 > 0:28:59He was meant to be coming tonight.
0:28:59 > 0:29:03Kenny's like, "Sure, I'll be busy Saturday but Sunday is good for me."
0:29:03 > 0:29:05Then it's got a follow up text.
0:29:05 > 0:29:09- "Also, FYI, trains to Teddington are a bit- BLEEP- at the moment.
0:29:09 > 0:29:10"Something about a damaged bridge.
0:29:10 > 0:29:13"Might be sorted by the time you're heading back, though."
0:29:13 > 0:29:17LAUGHTER
0:29:17 > 0:29:19Nina. Who's Nina?
0:29:19 > 0:29:21- Oh, Nina, of course, is your fiancee.- Yeah.
0:29:21 > 0:29:24Oh, sweet! No.
0:29:24 > 0:29:28LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:31 > 0:29:35- Nina, your fiancee. Is she from Liverpool?- No, she's from Wales.
0:29:35 > 0:29:37- She's gone... - WELSH ACCENT:- "Where are we going?
0:29:37 > 0:29:40"I'm in, but you're paying."
0:29:40 > 0:29:42That's so sweet.
0:29:42 > 0:29:44OK. Somebody called Jay Mac.
0:29:44 > 0:29:46He's gone, "Hmmm.
0:29:46 > 0:29:50"Sounds tempting, but could do with knowing A, who are you,
0:29:50 > 0:29:52"and B, Can you drive?"
0:29:52 > 0:29:55LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:29:55 > 0:29:57Very good. Very good.
0:29:57 > 0:30:00Big round of applause. This is awesome.
0:30:00 > 0:30:03I love it all!
0:30:03 > 0:30:05All right.
0:30:07 > 0:30:09My next guest is acting royalty.
0:30:09 > 0:30:13He is arguably the biggest star in British television history.
0:30:13 > 0:30:15And he put the phrase "lovely jubbly"
0:30:15 > 0:30:17into the Oxford English dictionary.
0:30:17 > 0:30:19Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome the icon
0:30:19 > 0:30:23and living legend that is Sir David Jason.
0:30:23 > 0:30:28MUSIC: "Theme from Only Fools And Horses"
0:30:28 > 0:30:31CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:30:31 > 0:30:35Out of your seat! Everybody up!
0:30:39 > 0:30:42David Jason. Come on!
0:30:42 > 0:30:46APPLAUSE
0:30:49 > 0:30:52Cor, what a welcome, I'll come again, I think!
0:30:52 > 0:30:55I can't tell you what an absolute pleasure to have you here.
0:30:55 > 0:30:58- And for me, love. - It's really incredible.
0:30:58 > 0:31:00- So, you are a Knight of the Realm. - Yes.
0:31:00 > 0:31:02I want to know how it works.
0:31:02 > 0:31:04How do you become a Knight of the Realm?
0:31:04 > 0:31:06Do they write to you or something, you have to keep it a secret?
0:31:06 > 0:31:11Just, you know, the sheer talent and weightiness of it.
0:31:12 > 0:31:20Humility and good works and being a mate of the Queen does help, yeah.
0:31:20 > 0:31:23No, I don't know, I really don't know.
0:31:23 > 0:31:27I just got a letter, saying, "from Number Ten Downing Street."
0:31:27 > 0:31:30- Did you have to sign for it?- No!
0:31:30 > 0:31:32It was just on the mat?
0:31:32 > 0:31:35There isn't some guy with a big top hat going, "Sign this?"
0:31:35 > 0:31:39No. It was just a letter with a nice little logo, I can't remember
0:31:39 > 0:31:42- if it was on the back, but it does say 10 Downing Street.- Lovely.
0:31:42 > 0:31:45You go, hello, this is something...
0:31:45 > 0:31:48- IN COCKNEY ACCENT:- This is proper, this ain't no gas bill!- No!
0:31:48 > 0:31:50LAUGHTER
0:31:50 > 0:31:52- Oi-oi!- Yeah.
0:31:52 > 0:31:54I might sit down for this one!
0:31:55 > 0:31:58- How very exciting. So you accept that.- Yeah.
0:31:58 > 0:32:00I don't really know what it means. Are you a knight?
0:32:00 > 0:32:04Do you get called upon in war and stuff?
0:32:04 > 0:32:06I mean, if there is a war out there...
0:32:06 > 0:32:08Bloody hell, I hope not!
0:32:08 > 0:32:10Is it you and Bruce Forsyth and Wogan?
0:32:12 > 0:32:14Yeah. We'll all go into battle.
0:32:14 > 0:32:18"Hello, it's me, I'm Wogan! Wahey!"
0:32:18 > 0:32:21APPLAUSE
0:32:23 > 0:32:26"They don't like it up 'em. They don't like it up 'em, sir!"
0:32:26 > 0:32:28LAUGHTER
0:32:28 > 0:32:30So there's a real excitement
0:32:30 > 0:32:34- because you've done a sketch for Sport Relief.- Yes, I have.
0:32:34 > 0:32:36Are you aware of this?
0:32:36 > 0:32:40- You've revived Only Fools and Horses.- Yeah.
0:32:40 > 0:32:44- You haven't done this for how long? - You tell me, I don't know.
0:32:44 > 0:32:4520 odd years.
0:32:45 > 0:32:47Had you intended to ever do it again,
0:32:47 > 0:32:50- had you pretty much said goodbye to it?- No, we didn't.
0:32:50 > 0:32:54I never did because, as you know, unfortunately, bless him,
0:32:54 > 0:32:57John Sullivan, the creator of it all,
0:32:57 > 0:33:00he very unfortunately died. As he...
0:33:00 > 0:33:05As Nick Lyndhurst used to say, John Sullivan made the ammunition
0:33:05 > 0:33:07and we just fired it.
0:33:07 > 0:33:10So he was the brains behind the whole thing.
0:33:10 > 0:33:14- Did he sing the theme tune as well? - Yes, he did.- That's amazing.
0:33:14 > 0:33:17- I don't know any writer who's done a theme tune.- Multi-talented.
0:33:17 > 0:33:19Like you and me, multi-talented, mate.
0:33:19 > 0:33:21So who wrote this sketch?
0:33:21 > 0:33:25Apparently it was part of some notes that John had left in his,
0:33:25 > 0:33:28you know, in his desk.
0:33:28 > 0:33:33It was re-put together by his two sons, Jim and Dan.
0:33:33 > 0:33:36But what had happened is
0:33:36 > 0:33:40they wanted to do something for this Sport Relief.
0:33:40 > 0:33:44They got a hold of David Beckham and they said, you know,
0:33:44 > 0:33:47would he do something? He said yes.
0:33:47 > 0:33:50During the course of the conversation he said he'd always wanted to
0:33:50 > 0:33:53work with... He loved the show Fools and Horses,
0:33:53 > 0:33:57and it would be great if you could do something with me and Nick.
0:33:57 > 0:34:01So then the grapevine, as they do, it all started to work...
0:34:01 > 0:34:03It came from Beckham?
0:34:03 > 0:34:05Apparently, yes.
0:34:05 > 0:34:07How does it feel for you then, reviving Del Boy?
0:34:07 > 0:34:11Well, once I'd read the script that they intended to do
0:34:11 > 0:34:13and I said yes, I would do it.
0:34:13 > 0:34:18It smacked so much of Sullivan that I said, "Yeah, we'll do it."
0:34:18 > 0:34:23And so when I got together with Nick for the first run through,
0:34:23 > 0:34:24it came back like that.
0:34:24 > 0:34:28As soon as I put on the gear and started to look at the script,
0:34:28 > 0:34:30back it came!
0:34:30 > 0:34:33He's as daft as a brush, but he's lovable, we like him.
0:34:33 > 0:34:35He's a cheeky chappie.
0:34:35 > 0:34:37As soon as you start putting the things together,
0:34:37 > 0:34:41like, you know, he becomes a dopey bloke that you love.
0:34:41 > 0:34:43He makes us all laugh.
0:34:43 > 0:34:45And he's in the room with us right now!
0:34:45 > 0:34:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:34:50 > 0:34:53We've got an absolute treat, ladies and gentlemen.
0:34:53 > 0:34:57We can show a very small snippet of this Sport Relief sketch,
0:34:57 > 0:35:02which is this Friday, the revival of Only Fools and Horses.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06- Why are you wearing them glasses? - These?- Yes.
0:35:06 > 0:35:10To be honest, I thought that, you know, if I was to wear these, no-one
0:35:10 > 0:35:14would recognise me and I could be a little bit, you know, incognitive.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17Yeah, good thinking.
0:35:17 > 0:35:21LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:35:21 > 0:35:23It's going to be amazing.
0:35:28 > 0:35:32I'm interested in... Some of the comedy of Del Boy
0:35:32 > 0:35:34was a lot of these French phrases that would come up.
0:35:34 > 0:35:39Quite an interesting and very funny characteristic trait that he had.
0:35:39 > 0:35:42He would just get things wrong all the time and struggle.
0:35:42 > 0:35:45- Where did that come from? - That basically was John Sullivan.
0:35:45 > 0:35:48He wrote... In one of the episodes,
0:35:48 > 0:35:52he said Del Boy would use a bit of French.
0:35:52 > 0:35:57Rodney said, "You learn your French out of a Renault handbook."
0:35:57 > 0:36:00I remember one of the things, I went to France.
0:36:00 > 0:36:04When I was in this hotel, I went into the shower to have a shower.
0:36:04 > 0:36:08And there hanging on a little book was a thing.
0:36:08 > 0:36:10It said, "bonnet de douche".
0:36:10 > 0:36:12LAUGHTER
0:36:12 > 0:36:14I said, "What is a bonnet de douche?"
0:36:14 > 0:36:15And he said,
0:36:15 > 0:36:19"It's one of those things you put on to stop your hair from getting wet."
0:36:19 > 0:36:22So when I came back and I said to John Sullivan, I said,
0:36:22 > 0:36:24"We've got to use that, it's so funny."
0:36:24 > 0:36:26He said, "What?" I said, "Bonnet de douche!"
0:36:28 > 0:36:31So whenever you see "bonnet de douche",
0:36:31 > 0:36:34that was one of my inventions. But basically...
0:36:34 > 0:36:40It was just John's way of saying that this character was one that
0:36:40 > 0:36:42wanted to impress.
0:36:42 > 0:36:45And the way that you impressed girls, you know,
0:36:45 > 0:36:49you throw in a bit of the old Francais, bonnet de douche, my dear.
0:36:49 > 0:36:54LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:36:54 > 0:36:56We've got some of your French here.
0:36:58 > 0:37:01- Bonsoir.- Bonjour, monsieur.
0:37:01 > 0:37:02Vous restez a l'hotel?
0:37:04 > 0:37:07Defense de fumer.
0:37:07 > 0:37:11- Avec vous Dubonnet? - Oui, merci.
0:37:11 > 0:37:13Oh. Oi, garcon.
0:37:14 > 0:37:16Dos Dubonnet, por favor. Danke schon.
0:37:16 > 0:37:19LAUGHTER
0:37:19 > 0:37:21De quelle partie de la France etes-vous?
0:37:22 > 0:37:28Ah, oui. Je t'aime, je t'adore. Er... Sur le pont d'Avignon.
0:37:29 > 0:37:32- Pardon, monsieur.- OK.
0:37:32 > 0:37:37APPLAUSE
0:37:37 > 0:37:39How did the, erm...
0:37:39 > 0:37:42The absolutely classic moments from Only Fools and Horses,
0:37:42 > 0:37:46what do you remember of those, have they become almost annoying?
0:37:46 > 0:37:49I mean, these are historic clips.
0:37:49 > 0:37:51I don't know, I suppose that everybody
0:37:51 > 0:37:54and his brother has seen falling through the hatch.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57Anybody here who hasn't seen falling through the hatch?
0:37:57 > 0:38:01Put your hand up if you haven't seen falling through the hatch?
0:38:01 > 0:38:04Who has seen it? That's probably going to look better on camera.
0:38:04 > 0:38:06LAUGHTER
0:38:06 > 0:38:08- Yeah, see, the whole audience loves it.- They've seen it.
0:38:08 > 0:38:10They've all seen it.
0:38:10 > 0:38:13But that was voted the funniest moment in television history,
0:38:13 > 0:38:16and it's priceless and you can watch it over and over again.
0:38:16 > 0:38:19Did you know when you were making it that it was that funny?
0:38:19 > 0:38:22- Was it in front of a live audience, that bit?- Yeah.
0:38:22 > 0:38:25- Did it get a monstrous laugh? - Yeah. You can imagine.
0:38:25 > 0:38:30How it actually came about was that John Sullivan and I were in the bar
0:38:30 > 0:38:33having a drink after one of the shows, and he said to me,
0:38:33 > 0:38:35"I was in the wine bar the other..."
0:38:35 > 0:38:37He says, "You might like this, David." He said,
0:38:37 > 0:38:39"I was in the wine bar the other... Funny thing happened."
0:38:39 > 0:38:42He said, "I was there having a drink, and there was a bloke over
0:38:42 > 0:38:45"by the bar, and a barman came out, lifted the hatch,
0:38:45 > 0:38:49"and this bloke went to lean on it, and he sort of went like this."
0:38:49 > 0:38:52He said, "The bloke was standing there like this," you know, giving
0:38:52 > 0:38:56it some of that, and he said, "The patch went up and this bloke went..."
0:38:56 > 0:38:58"And he went, 'Oh!'
0:38:58 > 0:39:02"but then the bloke looked around and then he went, 'A-ha, yeah.'"
0:39:02 > 0:39:03LAUGHTER
0:39:05 > 0:39:07As if he meant it to happen, you see.
0:39:07 > 0:39:12And John said he spotted this, and it's a bit like you observe and
0:39:12 > 0:39:15then you see the funny side of it, so John said, "Should we put that...
0:39:15 > 0:39:18"Do you think we could put that in the script?"
0:39:18 > 0:39:20and I said, "Yes, but the only thing is, I'll fall.
0:39:20 > 0:39:22"I've got to fall through the hatch."
0:39:22 > 0:39:25And he said, "No, no, no, I didn't see that,
0:39:25 > 0:39:29"I just saw the bloke do that and correct himself,"
0:39:29 > 0:39:32and I said, "Yes, but I used to do that on stage every night
0:39:32 > 0:39:33"when I was in the theatre,
0:39:33 > 0:39:38"and I got it to a point to where I understood what was really funny
0:39:38 > 0:39:41"and what wasn't," and by that, I said,
0:39:41 > 0:39:44"I could do it and I'll do it and I'll fall right through.
0:39:44 > 0:39:48"Listen, I'll make it funny.
0:39:48 > 0:39:51"I just know how to do it through experience."
0:39:51 > 0:39:54- And that's experience of working with a live audience.- Yeah.
0:39:54 > 0:39:56Was Del Boy based on somebody?
0:39:56 > 0:39:59Because I've heard that he was based on an actual person.
0:39:59 > 0:40:02I used to be an electrician, and my partner and I,
0:40:02 > 0:40:05we got a contract down at the East End of London,
0:40:05 > 0:40:10and we met a character there who got the contract to do all
0:40:10 > 0:40:12the building works in the pubs,
0:40:12 > 0:40:17and he was a builder and his name was Derek Hockley.
0:40:17 > 0:40:21That is him. He was the smartest guy on the block.
0:40:21 > 0:40:24He was amazing, and when I first met him,
0:40:24 > 0:40:30he had a camelhair coat, the collar, the tie, immaculate.
0:40:30 > 0:40:35But the thing that got me was, he spoke like an East End barrow boy.
0:40:35 > 0:40:38His accent, you could cut with a knife.
0:40:38 > 0:40:40You know, it was even stronger than that.
0:40:40 > 0:40:44He was a right barrow boy, and yet he looked like a toff.
0:40:44 > 0:40:49It was a contradiction in terms, and I couldn't get over this.
0:40:49 > 0:40:53So, years now pass, and when I got the script
0:40:53 > 0:40:56and I did the reading and they said, would I go
0:40:56 > 0:40:59and play Del Boy, I said, "Yeah,"
0:40:59 > 0:41:03and I spoke to the writer and I said, how did he view Derek Trotter,
0:41:03 > 0:41:08and he said, "Oh, he was a guy with a flat cap and a big beer belly
0:41:08 > 0:41:14"and, you know, this..." and I said to him, "No, no, I know the guy.
0:41:14 > 0:41:16"I know who he is."
0:41:16 > 0:41:24So I decided that I'd go the opposite and take Derek as my master copy.
0:41:24 > 0:41:26Did he have a bit of a swagger as well?
0:41:26 > 0:41:29- So he had the whole sort of constant...- It's the walk, you know.
0:41:29 > 0:41:32It's the walk. You've got to have the walk.
0:41:32 > 0:41:35LAUGHTER AND CHEERING
0:41:35 > 0:41:36You know what I mean?
0:41:36 > 0:41:40It's true! I don't know how it helps. That's it.
0:41:41 > 0:41:46- Cos I don't have the walk. My walk is very...- You do have a walk!
0:41:46 > 0:41:49- I do walk.- Your walk is like this.
0:41:49 > 0:41:51LAUGHTER
0:41:52 > 0:41:55- I don't recognise this man!- You do!
0:41:55 > 0:41:59- You do.- That is too camp! I'm not that camp!
0:41:59 > 0:42:01You're pretty close!
0:42:05 > 0:42:06APPLAUSE
0:42:08 > 0:42:11So, listen, obviously, it's such a great, great, great,
0:42:11 > 0:42:13enormous pleasure to have you here and a thrill to see you back
0:42:13 > 0:42:16and to see you talking about these things.
0:42:16 > 0:42:18I mean, we've talked so much about this bar scene,
0:42:18 > 0:42:20we can't not show it.
0:42:20 > 0:42:24This is the funniest thing British television has ever produced.
0:42:25 > 0:42:28I think we're on a winner here, Trig, all right?
0:42:28 > 0:42:32Play it nice and cool, son, nice and cool, you know what I mean?
0:42:32 > 0:42:34LAUGHTER
0:42:43 > 0:42:46LAUGHTER
0:42:54 > 0:42:56Drink up, Trig, drink up. We're leaving.
0:42:56 > 0:42:58LAUGHTER
0:42:58 > 0:43:00Ain't you going to try for them birds?
0:43:00 > 0:43:04No, no, you're cramping my style, mate, you're cramping my style.
0:43:04 > 0:43:05LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:43:08 > 0:43:11CHEERING
0:43:11 > 0:43:12Ladies and gentlemen,
0:43:12 > 0:43:16please join me in thanking the wonderful Sir David Jason!
0:43:16 > 0:43:19CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:21 > 0:43:24Thank you so much. Really a pleasure and an honour. Thank you so much.
0:43:24 > 0:43:26- Thank you.- Sir David Jason. What about that?
0:43:26 > 0:43:29CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:43:29 > 0:43:30- Hey!- Thank you.
0:43:34 > 0:43:35MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:43:35 > 0:43:36CHEERING
0:43:38 > 0:43:41Oh! All right! Andrew. Ladies and gentlemen, huge hand
0:43:41 > 0:43:44for the wonderful and the generous, our volunteer tonight
0:43:44 > 0:43:46for Send To All, it's Andrew!
0:43:46 > 0:43:48CHEERING
0:43:49 > 0:43:54Of course, there is a prize. Woo! Let's have some sound effects.
0:43:54 > 0:43:55- AUDIENCE:- Wooo!
0:43:55 > 0:43:59For being such a lovely sport, you get your own phone back.
0:43:59 > 0:44:03Congratulations. And your Send To All phone.
0:44:03 > 0:44:08Andrew, ladies and gentlemen! Well done. Thank you so, so much.
0:44:08 > 0:44:13Right! Thank you to all tonight's guests. We had Jeremy Clarkson!
0:44:14 > 0:44:17Abbey Clancy!
0:44:17 > 0:44:20And the legendary Sir David Jason!
0:44:21 > 0:44:23Join me next week, when my guests will be
0:44:23 > 0:44:27Joanna Lumley, Tinie Tempah and Richard Madeley!
0:44:27 > 0:44:29Thanks for watching. Good night!