0:00:04 > 0:00:08CHEERING
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Tonight on the show...
0:00:20 > 0:00:23But first, please welcome your host, Michael McIntyre!
0:00:23 > 0:00:27CHEERING
0:00:27 > 0:00:28Come on!
0:00:28 > 0:00:30I love this!
0:00:33 > 0:00:36Good evening! Good evening!
0:00:36 > 0:00:41Good evening! Hello, hello. Yes.
0:00:42 > 0:00:45Welcome, welcome, welcome.
0:00:47 > 0:00:50Ah! Hello, ladies and gentlemen.
0:00:50 > 0:00:56And welcome... I am standing too camp, I don't like it. My wife says, don't do that, it's weird.
0:00:57 > 0:01:00It is a natural thing and my son does as well. He goes like that.
0:01:02 > 0:01:04You don't gain much from standing like that.
0:01:04 > 0:01:09This is, in fact, nothing is not camp in this area.
0:01:12 > 0:01:15I want to stand cool. I don't like standing like a weirdo.
0:01:18 > 0:01:19Now I feel really self-conscious!
0:01:21 > 0:01:23That's my best stand, I need another stand!
0:01:23 > 0:01:25LAUGHTER
0:01:31 > 0:01:33Good evening.
0:01:33 > 0:01:36Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Michael McIntyre Chat Show!
0:01:36 > 0:01:38CHEERING
0:01:38 > 0:01:40I'm going to start the show here...
0:01:42 > 0:01:43OK.
0:01:43 > 0:01:49Ladies and gentlemen, I'm delighted to introduce a multimillion selling, arena-filling rap icon.
0:01:49 > 0:01:53He's the dapper rapper, the lyrical miracle who went from Peckham to platinum,
0:01:53 > 0:01:58please welcome, the massive, the huge, the gigantic, the mighty, it's Tinie Tempah!
0:01:58 > 0:02:00CHEERING
0:02:18 > 0:02:20Get it sorted, mate, come on!
0:02:20 > 0:02:24Actually, wait. Can we give a round of applause to Michael McIntyre for having
0:02:24 > 0:02:25this chat show, finally?
0:02:25 > 0:02:27APPLAUSE
0:02:28 > 0:02:34- I need one of these.- You've got some water here.- Wicked.- Thank you for coming on my show.
0:02:34 > 0:02:38- Can I take one of these home?- Yes. - A mug?- Yes, take anything you like. - Nice.
0:02:40 > 0:02:44I feel uncomfortable when I am around very cool people.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50- I'm not cool, am I, Tinie?- Do you know what? He is surprisingly cool.
0:02:50 > 0:02:53You're way cooler than you give off.
0:02:53 > 0:02:55No, it's the other way!
0:02:58 > 0:03:00Your glasses are always very cool.
0:03:00 > 0:03:07- Thank you.- Do you need glasses?- Not at all.- They are not prescription glasses?
0:03:07 > 0:03:12No, they are my disguise. When I decided to do music I thought, "I need a thing."
0:03:12 > 0:03:15For me, Daft Punk have got the right idea.
0:03:15 > 0:03:18They get to wear a mask when they perform.
0:03:18 > 0:03:22I remember I was in the Maldives for Christmas and I saw one of them,
0:03:22 > 0:03:26and you would never know who it was because they take off their masks and they live their regular lives.
0:03:26 > 0:03:30So, I thought, in theory, if I wear glasses to perform,
0:03:30 > 0:03:33then when I take it off I can live a regular life.
0:03:35 > 0:03:39- Can I suggest it might not have been Daft Punk?- It was.
0:03:39 > 0:03:42- How do you know?- They shouldn't have, but the people in the resort told me.
0:03:42 > 0:03:45But they have never revealed their faces.
0:03:45 > 0:03:48- How do you know that I am not Daft Punk?- You could be one of them.
0:03:48 > 0:03:50HE HUMS A SONG
0:03:52 > 0:03:55See? He is way cooler than he is letting on.
0:03:56 > 0:03:58- I don't even know if that was Daft Punk.- That wasn't.
0:04:00 > 0:04:03- Can I look at those glasses? - Of course you can.
0:04:03 > 0:04:05They are very, you see, this is what I mean.
0:04:05 > 0:04:08You carry these off very well. I'm looking at these glasses,
0:04:08 > 0:04:11and I don't want to be rude about them, because you look incredible in these glasses,
0:04:11 > 0:04:13there is no doubt that is because you're very cool.
0:04:13 > 0:04:16You suggested I might be cool and I am going to prove that I'm not.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21I am going to put these glasses on and I guarantee you I will look like,
0:04:21 > 0:04:23you know when you go to the optician,
0:04:23 > 0:04:27and they put the fake glasses on you and they keep changing the thing.
0:04:27 > 0:04:30That's what... So imagine I'm in the optician.
0:04:30 > 0:04:33LAUGHTER
0:04:37 > 0:04:42You look very cool in that, but that is your thing. You are a fashionista.
0:04:42 > 0:04:46- I'm trying to be, yeah.- We have got some fashion to prove the point.
0:04:46 > 0:04:49It is amazing to me that you can pull off this look.
0:04:49 > 0:04:51What is going on with your trousers?
0:04:53 > 0:04:55I like to have my trousers a little bit cropped.
0:04:55 > 0:04:56I can see that.
0:04:56 > 0:05:00- Are you wearing socks?- I am not wearing socks.
0:05:00 > 0:05:02- Now that, that is a hygiene issue. - It isn't!
0:05:02 > 0:05:07We have another one of you. This is my favourite.
0:05:07 > 0:05:09That is you looking amazingly cool in a field.
0:05:11 > 0:05:13If I was to do that, wearing that exact outfit,
0:05:15 > 0:05:17people would try to milk me.
0:05:17 > 0:05:19LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:26- On your...you have to educate me a bit.- OK.
0:05:26 > 0:05:31In your music, which I have been told on my card is "grime".
0:05:31 > 0:05:34Yeah. Loads of elements of it, yeah.
0:05:34 > 0:05:39Grime. I didn't know this. I know that I like it. I know that when it comes on in the car, I turn it up.
0:05:39 > 0:05:43I know that the kids love it, we party, and I go, "I know him, I've met him."
0:05:43 > 0:05:46I know that happens. But I have never heard of grime.
0:05:46 > 0:05:50I have heard of the word grime, mainly in Cillit Bang adverts.
0:05:52 > 0:05:55It is the kind of grime you can't get off your worktop.
0:05:55 > 0:05:56Stubborn grime!
0:05:59 > 0:06:05It is basically a genre of music that has evolved from garage music,
0:06:05 > 0:06:07so kind of feel-good garage,
0:06:07 > 0:06:12drum and bass, jungle, and it is kind of very unorthodox.
0:06:12 > 0:06:16- I have heard of house music.- It is not house music.
0:06:16 > 0:06:19House music! House music all night long.
0:06:19 > 0:06:21# I'm a dreamer! #
0:06:21 > 0:06:23LAUGHTER
0:06:23 > 0:06:25# I'm surprised to see your suitcase at the door
0:06:25 > 0:06:28# We had some good times Don't you want some more? #
0:06:28 > 0:06:31APPLAUSE
0:06:37 > 0:06:41So that is house, and then you have garage, which is next to it.
0:06:41 > 0:06:44Then you've got garage. Garage is kind of like...
0:06:44 > 0:06:47If you will, not technically, but it is a little bit of a cross between house and grime.
0:06:47 > 0:06:49It has the feel-good element.
0:06:49 > 0:06:52What elements? Because you are creating new music.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57Yeah. Um, the main thing is the tempo is 140 beats per minute.
0:06:57 > 0:07:01So, that is how you get a basis of what grime is.
0:07:01 > 0:07:02Grime is pretty fast.
0:07:02 > 0:07:07- It's the tempo. That's the tempo of the music.- Of how many beats there are per minute.
0:07:07 > 0:07:08Like that.
0:07:08 > 0:07:10HE BEATS TABLE
0:07:12 > 0:07:15HE KNOCKS TABLE
0:07:15 > 0:07:19- What is that? Is that grime? - That is just knocking on a table.
0:07:22 > 0:07:25If you were to come round to my house, is that how you would knock?
0:07:25 > 0:07:26HE KNOCKS RAPIDLY
0:07:28 > 0:07:30I would open the door and you were not even there,
0:07:30 > 0:07:32you were in the garage.
0:07:35 > 0:07:39The rapping. That is obviously very competitive.
0:07:39 > 0:07:42- Yes.- I have seen the film 8 Mile.
0:07:42 > 0:07:44LAUGHTER
0:07:44 > 0:07:45Don't laugh at me.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49These battles, do they exist then?
0:07:49 > 0:07:55They do, I have never personally been in one of those battles but I know that Eminem has been in loads.
0:07:55 > 0:07:59And is it really like that? Are they spontaneous?
0:07:59 > 0:08:01Are they quite mean to each other?
0:08:01 > 0:08:05# Your suit's so whack Man, your hair's so rubbish. #
0:08:05 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:17 > 0:08:18My suit is whack?
0:08:18 > 0:08:20It is hypothetically speaking.
0:08:20 > 0:08:22It wasn't true.
0:08:22 > 0:08:26- They have given me some words, they have called them grime slang. - Mm-hmm.
0:08:26 > 0:08:28I'm going to go through them. Hench?
0:08:28 > 0:08:32- Hench, hench is somebody quite stocky.- Chirps?
0:08:32 > 0:08:37When you're trying to, uh, chat up like a girl.
0:08:37 > 0:08:43- Like a girl?- No! I forgot who's show I was coming on!
0:08:45 > 0:08:47When you are trying to chat up a girl.
0:08:47 > 0:08:51An actual girl. Not, "You are girl enough."
0:08:54 > 0:08:57"I like to chirp you. You hench girl."
0:08:59 > 0:09:06- You are doing all right. This is good.- Yeah. Garms.
0:09:06 > 0:09:12- Garms are clothes.- Ah, garments! I am on that. Check out my garms.
0:09:14 > 0:09:17My whack hair.
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Wok. To wok. W-O-K Wok.
0:09:20 > 0:09:26- To wok, that is to have sex with someone. Yeah.- Really?
0:09:27 > 0:09:34- Just normal sex is woking?- I believe so.- That is exciting.
0:09:34 > 0:09:36- Crepes.- Crepes are your trainers.
0:09:36 > 0:09:38No. They are pancakes.
0:09:40 > 0:09:43You got that one wrong. You're not going to get them all right.
0:09:44 > 0:09:49It strikes me you're having a good time. You seem to be out a lot. Is that right?
0:09:49 > 0:09:52You seem to be out a lot. Busy?
0:09:52 > 0:09:57- Out in what sense?- Parties, fashion, things....
0:09:57 > 0:10:02I'm not really a clubber, I do not really go to clubs on the weekend, with my mates.
0:10:02 > 0:10:05- I am only out if I need to work. - I saw you at the BAFTAs.
0:10:05 > 0:10:09- This was very exciting.- That was amazing.- There was a moment with royalty.
0:10:09 > 0:10:12That was a bit of a risk when you hold out the high-five.
0:10:14 > 0:10:16Talk me through this moment.
0:10:16 > 0:10:19To be quite honest with you, it was an honour doing the performance,
0:10:19 > 0:10:22it was a very spur of the moment thing.
0:10:22 > 0:10:25We have done a little bit of work for his charity,
0:10:25 > 0:10:29he's got a charity called Centrepoint, which helps homeless kids out and stuff.
0:10:29 > 0:10:34- When I saw him again, I was just like,"Oh, hey." And that was really it.- That is cool.
0:10:34 > 0:10:40- That's good. I have been involved in his dance charity. - Prince's Trust, I do that as well.
0:10:40 > 0:10:42I had a very awkward moment at that.
0:10:42 > 0:10:48- Did you?- It helps people who turn their lives around. It's an amazing charity.
0:10:48 > 0:10:51I was there as a celebrity, in the line-up with other celebrities.
0:10:51 > 0:10:56Then you needed to meet Prince Charles when he comes through. Why was it awkward?
0:10:56 > 0:10:58He thought I was one of the people who's lives...
0:10:58 > 0:11:01He thought I was one of the people who's lives had turned! Yeah!
0:11:03 > 0:11:06- What did he say to you? - "So, did we help you?"
0:11:06 > 0:11:07LAUGHTER
0:11:10 > 0:11:12I did it on my own.
0:11:12 > 0:11:16Are you in a relationship at the moment? How's that going?
0:11:16 > 0:11:17No, I am single.
0:11:17 > 0:11:20- Trying to enjoy the single life. - How is that going for you?
0:11:20 > 0:11:25- It is going great. I am literally going on tour tomorrow. - A tour of women?- No.
0:11:27 > 0:11:32That kind of comes into it. We are going on a tour, we are going on a tour around the UK.
0:11:32 > 0:11:37It's the Demonstration tour for my second album. I am going to be having a lot of fun.
0:11:39 > 0:11:45Tinie, your lifestyle, seriously. I go on tour, it is very different to your tours.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48The only woman I meet is the night shift room service woman,
0:11:48 > 0:11:51she tends to be called Beryl.
0:11:51 > 0:11:57- She says, "I can do you a cheese toastie."- Not that.
0:11:58 > 0:12:01- But you don't have to chat women up. - Of course I do.
0:12:01 > 0:12:05- How do you, I've never known how that's done.- How did you chat your missus up?
0:12:08 > 0:12:12Well... Somebody said it is a good way to start talking to girls by asking
0:12:12 > 0:12:15if they have a light.
0:12:16 > 0:12:20For a cigarette. I went over and I said that but I didn't have a cigarette.
0:12:22 > 0:12:25I just went over and said "Hello, have you got a light?"
0:12:25 > 0:12:28She went, "Yeah." And I went, "Excellent."
0:12:30 > 0:12:32That is endearing.
0:12:33 > 0:12:36It's good to know we've got fire.
0:12:36 > 0:12:40- Should there be a power cut, thank you.- Thank you.
0:12:40 > 0:12:44We're going to show one of the singles from your latest album, Tinie. It is Lover Not A Fighter
0:12:44 > 0:12:45and I love it.
0:12:45 > 0:12:48# Cos I'm a lover not a fighter
0:12:50 > 0:12:53# I used to sit on the settee Eating a tin of spaghetti
0:12:53 > 0:12:56# Now people think that I'm sexy cos I've been on the telly
0:12:56 > 0:12:58# Car like 007, them alloys spin in Pirellis
0:12:58 > 0:13:01# I'm with a gold-digging heifer I call her Miss Moneypenny
0:13:01 > 0:13:04# Is it real? Is it fake? Somebody gimme a break...#
0:13:04 > 0:13:08APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:13:15 > 0:13:17Where were you when I was shooting this video?
0:13:17 > 0:13:20That is the most ridiculous pair of glasses I have ever seen.
0:13:22 > 0:13:24Coming from you?!
0:13:26 > 0:13:28Give me some birds to chirp.
0:13:34 > 0:13:37Tinie Tempah, it has been such a pleasure having you.
0:13:37 > 0:13:40Thanks, yeah. Easy, this is easy peasy, lemon squeezy.
0:13:40 > 0:13:44- Ladies and gentlemen, he has been amazing fun, thank you for coming on.- Any time, Michael, any time.
0:13:44 > 0:13:46The fantastic Tinie Tempah!
0:13:46 > 0:13:47APPLAUSE
0:13:47 > 0:13:51Brilliant, absolutely brilliant. Thank you, that was brilliant.
0:13:54 > 0:13:55Tinie Tempah!
0:13:58 > 0:14:02Wonderful. OK! Are you ready to play Send To All?
0:14:02 > 0:14:03- AUDIENCE:- Yes!
0:14:03 > 0:14:07If you raise your hand we will find someone and it is a lot of fun.
0:14:07 > 0:14:12There is a prize, you will be on TV. If you want to put your hand up.
0:14:12 > 0:14:18- It is a volunteer I'm looking for. What's your name?- Joe Joseph.- Where are you from?- Ireland.
0:14:18 > 0:14:21- Ireland. What are you doing in London?- I'm an engineer.
0:14:21 > 0:14:25I never know what that means. Seriously, it has completely stumped me.
0:14:25 > 0:14:29- I am a civil site engineer.- Civil site. Nothing. I'm getting nothing.
0:14:29 > 0:14:31Engineering, it is one of those jobs, I don't know what it means.
0:14:31 > 0:14:33I'm qualified as a civil engineer.
0:14:33 > 0:14:36Nothing, I have no idea what you're talking about.
0:14:36 > 0:14:38You are qualified as a civil engineer.
0:14:38 > 0:14:41That's just an engineer who is just polite.
0:14:41 > 0:14:45I still don't know what the root of this is, I don't know what an engineer is.
0:14:45 > 0:14:49- What do you do?- Well, I supply clean water...- Now, we're talking.
0:14:49 > 0:14:53- You supply clean water.- Or build skyscrapers. One or the other.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56Or build skyscrapers. So you never know, it is an either or?
0:14:56 > 0:15:00You are walking to work thinking, "It could go either way today.
0:15:01 > 0:15:06"I'm pretty thirsty and I'm afraid of heights, so I know what I'm hoping for today!"
0:15:08 > 0:15:11How does this work? Supply water.
0:15:11 > 0:15:15- Tell me about that.- We get water from like the ground or a river.
0:15:15 > 0:15:18LAUGHTER
0:15:18 > 0:15:20You get water from the ground or a river.
0:15:20 > 0:15:25The river is easier. If I had a glass and I was standing on the ground, I would
0:15:25 > 0:15:29feel like I was in trouble if someone said, "I'd like a glass of water."
0:15:29 > 0:15:33If I was standing on a river bank, I would be more confident.
0:15:33 > 0:15:35"I would like some water. "Ha-ha!"
0:15:36 > 0:15:40Whereas on the ground, you are going to need to give me some time.
0:15:40 > 0:15:44So you get the water from a river and then where do you put it?
0:15:44 > 0:15:48- Clean it a few times.- Clean it a few times.- Put it into a pipe...
0:15:48 > 0:15:50How do you clean water? Use other water?
0:15:50 > 0:15:52LAUGHTER
0:15:52 > 0:15:54When I'm cleaning stuff, I tend to use water.
0:15:54 > 0:15:58Do you take the water to the sink and then you put more water on it
0:15:58 > 0:15:59and just splash it around?
0:15:59 > 0:16:01LAUGHTER
0:16:01 > 0:16:04Cleaning water is incredibly difficult.
0:16:04 > 0:16:09You filter it through like sand and different materials that gets
0:16:09 > 0:16:12different things out and you put it through meshes that get...
0:16:13 > 0:16:17- You put it through?- Put it through different grates of meshes that catch...
0:16:17 > 0:16:21- Meshes.- Really fine ones.- Sorry, it was the accent, it was the accent.
0:16:21 > 0:16:25Really fine ones that catch parasites and stuff.
0:16:25 > 0:16:28Yeah, that's really fine! The parasite, no-one can see that.
0:16:28 > 0:16:32And chemicals are put through it to kill the parasites and it is checked and goes into a pipe
0:16:32 > 0:16:34and it comes out your tap.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36Come on.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38APPLAUSE
0:16:38 > 0:16:39This is what's going on.
0:16:39 > 0:16:43You must not take it for granted when you turn on your tap.
0:16:43 > 0:16:47You have got to trace the water back to an Irishman going,
0:16:47 > 0:16:49"Thank God, I'm not on buildings."
0:16:50 > 0:16:53- Joe, thank you so much for volunteering tonight.- No bother.
0:16:53 > 0:16:55- Have you got a mobile telephone? - Yes.
0:16:55 > 0:16:57- Can I borrow it?- Yeah.
0:16:57 > 0:17:02What I like is people know what's going to happen so you must feel relatively relaxed.
0:17:03 > 0:17:09- Thank you so much.- No bother.- You have seen the show...- Yes, I have. - It says, "Where to."
0:17:09 > 0:17:13It says, "Take me to church." Is that a song?
0:17:13 > 0:17:14It is Spotify, yeah.
0:17:14 > 0:17:17SONG PLAYS
0:17:17 > 0:17:20LAUGHTER
0:17:30 > 0:17:32I'm thirsty.
0:17:32 > 0:17:34Let me get myself some water.
0:17:39 > 0:17:41"Can you pass me that mesh?"
0:17:43 > 0:17:45I'm going to send a text
0:17:45 > 0:17:49and this week's message that I'm going to send to everyone
0:17:49 > 0:17:53in your phone book is, "Thinking of getting a total make-over.
0:17:53 > 0:17:55"Where should I start?"
0:17:55 > 0:17:57LAUGHTER
0:18:00 > 0:18:04"Where should I start? I won't be offended."
0:18:09 > 0:18:12OK. I'm going to send this to all. Thank you very much, Joe.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15APPLAUSE
0:18:15 > 0:18:21OK. Please welcome a TV legend who rocketed from local news
0:18:21 > 0:18:23reporter to lighting up our screens for over a decade.
0:18:23 > 0:18:27He is the maestro of the morning, the dashing, debonair king of daytime,
0:18:27 > 0:18:29it's Richard Madeley.
0:18:29 > 0:18:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:18:42 > 0:18:43Richard Madeley!
0:18:47 > 0:18:52- Well, well, well. - Thank you for coming on my show? - Well done.
0:18:52 > 0:18:56If I can tell you a secret. When I made this show, when I found out we were making it,
0:18:56 > 0:18:59- I kept saying "I want Richard Madeley. I want Richard Madeley."- In what sense?
0:18:59 > 0:19:04There was more. You are already being classic Madeley.
0:19:05 > 0:19:07Just because I, I miss you.
0:19:07 > 0:19:11- I miss you on the TV?- Oh.- You were such a big part of our lives for so many years.
0:19:11 > 0:19:13It was more than a decade. It was 21 years.
0:19:13 > 0:19:14We did 13 on This Morning
0:19:14 > 0:19:17and eight on the Channel 4 show, which you used to come on
0:19:17 > 0:19:21because your career was taking off as ours was in decline.
0:19:22 > 0:19:26- That's not true.- No, it's not true. It wasn't taking off at all, you were struggling!
0:19:28 > 0:19:31- You're on fire.- It's working.
0:19:31 > 0:19:34- So, Judy, how's Judy?- She's great.
0:19:34 > 0:19:37She has kind of completely turned her back on broadcasting now.
0:19:37 > 0:19:41She does a bit to promote the book club and her own books but she is a full-time writer.
0:19:41 > 0:19:45She's a full-time novelist. She gets lots of offers, you know, to come
0:19:45 > 0:19:48back and do this and do that, but her consistent answer is no.
0:19:48 > 0:19:54- She is not interested.- Is it rude of me to ask how old you are?- I'm 57.
0:19:54 > 0:19:59- You're looking so well, Richard. How does this work?- I don't know.
0:19:59 > 0:20:03Do you know this, though? Do you look in the mirror at 57 and go, I'm really pleased.
0:20:03 > 0:20:06Not at all, no. I think I look like a demented parrot.
0:20:06 > 0:20:11I think, for blokes, it helps if you don't get tubby...
0:20:11 > 0:20:15- Too late. - LAUGHTER
0:20:15 > 0:20:18And... As you get older...
0:20:19 > 0:20:24- And if you don't go bald. - Yes. BOOM!
0:20:24 > 0:20:27If you keep your hair and you don't get fat that helps a bit, you know.
0:20:27 > 0:20:30- Well, you have kept your hair.- Yeah. - And you are in great shape.
0:20:30 > 0:20:33- How do you do it? Do you have a routine.- No.
0:20:33 > 0:20:36- So you are not a vain man? - I hope not. I mean...
0:20:36 > 0:20:40In this business, as anybody who's been in it long enough discovers,
0:20:40 > 0:20:43it is fatal to take yourself remotely seriously.
0:20:43 > 0:20:47If you take yourself seriously, you're going to suffer horribly
0:20:47 > 0:20:50because they all come after you. I mean, the papers and whatnot.
0:20:50 > 0:20:53So when did you learn that? When did you start to get to grips with that?
0:20:53 > 0:20:58About at the same time that I decided that it was stupid to allow
0:20:58 > 0:21:01myself to be nervous. I remember I interviewed a very,
0:21:01 > 0:21:04very famous silent screen actress, she went on to have a
0:21:04 > 0:21:08couple of big hits, Gloria Swanson. And she wrote her autobiography
0:21:08 > 0:21:16and I got the interview with her, it was all right, it was OK.
0:21:16 > 0:21:17But I was nervous.
0:21:17 > 0:21:19And I remember driving home knowing that
0:21:19 > 0:21:23I hadn't done as good as job that I should have done with her because
0:21:23 > 0:21:25I was tense and sweaty and self conscious.
0:21:25 > 0:21:29And I remember driving into a lay-by and beating myself up
0:21:29 > 0:21:32and saying if you want to stay in this job, "Don't be nervous."
0:21:32 > 0:21:35It was a horrible scene for anybody that might have witnessed that.
0:21:36 > 0:21:39Richard Madeley beating himself up in a lay-by.
0:21:39 > 0:21:41You're really hard on yourself, Richard.
0:21:43 > 0:21:45It is the turning of Madeley.
0:21:45 > 0:21:48You are in the lay-by, you're attacking yourself,
0:21:48 > 0:21:51your hair for the first time of its life is on that side.
0:21:53 > 0:21:58Well, it had to be done... You are not remotely nervous, are you?
0:21:58 > 0:22:02- I can tell. You are very chilled. - Do you think I'm too relaxed?
0:22:02 > 0:22:05LAUGHTER
0:22:05 > 0:22:06You have got it about right.
0:22:06 > 0:22:09I'm clearly not relaxed doing that!
0:22:10 > 0:22:13I'm finding it relaxing, but I enjoy it.
0:22:13 > 0:22:19It is exciting to meet people in this heightened way.
0:22:19 > 0:22:21The great thing is when people say
0:22:21 > 0:22:23things that you don't like...we had Keith Chegwin
0:22:23 > 0:22:25in the days that he was denying he had a drink problem.
0:22:25 > 0:22:28He came on and he was clearly drunk and it was live.
0:22:28 > 0:22:32He'd come on because he had problems with stress, so we were doing
0:22:32 > 0:22:37a phone-in on stress and Keith Chegwin was the peg on which we hung this phone-in.
0:22:37 > 0:22:39So we're talking to him for about a minute,
0:22:39 > 0:22:41and he was making a fair fist of it,
0:22:41 > 0:22:45and he looked at Judy and said, "I can't go on with this.
0:22:45 > 0:22:46"I am an alcoholic."
0:22:46 > 0:22:48"My name is Keith Chegwin and I am an alcoholic."
0:22:48 > 0:22:51And it was dynamite. It was amazing live television.
0:22:51 > 0:22:54He went on, and the interview took a different course
0:22:54 > 0:22:57and he was confessional. And at the end of it...
0:22:57 > 0:23:00This is unlike Judy. This is more my style of thing.
0:23:00 > 0:23:04Judy lent forward and said, "Keith, that just took a lot of bottle."
0:23:04 > 0:23:07LAUGHTER
0:23:09 > 0:23:12- It is the perfect line.- He thought it was brilliant.
0:23:12 > 0:23:15- It is a great line.- Richard, I don't know what you miss most of all
0:23:15 > 0:23:17about being on television.
0:23:17 > 0:23:19It sounds to me like...
0:23:19 > 0:23:22You were on TV, it was so long and it was so wonderful
0:23:22 > 0:23:26- and so successful and you were very, very happy.- You are right.
0:23:26 > 0:23:33- But I miss, You Say, We Pay?- It was the first of the TV quiz scandals.
0:23:33 > 0:23:35- Do you remember?- It was a scandal.
0:23:35 > 0:23:37- Yeah.- What was the scandal?
0:23:37 > 0:23:40The people who were running the phone lines, people used to phone in
0:23:40 > 0:23:44and book themselves in for the game, they were supposed to be eligible
0:23:44 > 0:23:46to play the game until 5.45pm at night.
0:23:46 > 0:23:50But the phone company that was running it just was taking
0:23:50 > 0:23:53the first call at quarter past five and putting their feet on the desk,
0:23:53 > 0:23:56and allowing the calls to come in and taking all the money,
0:23:56 > 0:23:58but they didn't have a chance of winning.
0:23:58 > 0:24:00Well, that's not why I liked it.
0:24:01 > 0:24:04For people who don't remember, this was a game where you would
0:24:04 > 0:24:07give £1,000 for every person. There was a screen behind you and Judy...
0:24:07 > 0:24:10There was a screen behind us. We would look out to the camera,
0:24:10 > 0:24:13to the viewer. The viewer would be on the phone and a picture would
0:24:13 > 0:24:15appear on the screen behind us and...
0:24:15 > 0:24:18Say it was a picture of a cat. They couldn't say, "It's a cat."
0:24:18 > 0:24:22They would say, "It's got fur and whiskers, and purrs and goes meow."
0:24:22 > 0:24:25We'd say, "It's a cat." If it was right, they would get 1,000 quid.
0:24:25 > 0:24:27It was a good game. It was a fun game.
0:24:27 > 0:24:30It is a fun game, and that's why I would like to play it again.
0:24:30 > 0:24:33- Is that OK?- Fine. Who is going to be the player?
0:24:33 > 0:24:34Maybe my dear friend Joe.
0:24:34 > 0:24:36Do you want to get involved in this, Joe?
0:24:36 > 0:24:39- In it for the craic, yeah. - He's up for the craic, yeah.
0:24:39 > 0:24:42- Ladies and gentlemen, Joe! - APPLAUSE
0:24:42 > 0:24:44Come on down, Joe. Come on.
0:24:51 > 0:24:53So this is Joe. We're going to play You Say, We Pay.
0:24:53 > 0:24:57Joe, basically, we've been having people phone up for the last few
0:24:57 > 0:25:00hours to play this game and we've raised £800,000,
0:25:00 > 0:25:03which we will be keeping. Just like the old days, eh, Rich?
0:25:07 > 0:25:09So, Richard, can I ask you to face the audience?
0:25:09 > 0:25:11- Don't look behind you.- OK.
0:25:11 > 0:25:13- Maybe you should introduce it.- OK, Joe's on the line.
0:25:13 > 0:25:16Actually, he's here in person to play You Say, We Pay.
0:25:16 > 0:25:18You know the rules. You've got one minute.
0:25:18 > 0:25:20We're going to be playing competitively.
0:25:20 > 0:25:22You have to describe what's on the picture behind us
0:25:22 > 0:25:25- without saying what it actually is, describe it.- OK. Sounds good.
0:25:25 > 0:25:28First one to guess it right, we'll change the picture and move on.
0:25:28 > 0:25:30Madeley's back! I'm loving it!
0:25:30 > 0:25:32CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:25:34 > 0:25:35And...hang on.
0:25:35 > 0:25:36Yeah, yeah, yeah.
0:25:36 > 0:25:39Apparently, we are going to pay you £1,000 for every one you get right.
0:25:39 > 0:25:41No!
0:25:41 > 0:25:43You may not even get your phone back!
0:25:45 > 0:25:48I'm excited - don't look, don't cheat, Richard.
0:25:48 > 0:25:49Let's play You Say, We Pay.
0:25:51 > 0:25:53Em...it goes "woof!"
0:25:53 > 0:25:54- Dog!- Dog!
0:25:54 > 0:25:58- Erm...a lot of them in London, they're red.- They're what?
0:25:58 > 0:26:00LAUGHTER
0:26:00 > 0:26:02It's all gone a bit too Irish!
0:26:02 > 0:26:05- Irishman, an Irish person. - Big, red things and people travel...
0:26:05 > 0:26:07- Double decker buses! - Agh!
0:26:08 > 0:26:10Like rice, but it's not rice.
0:26:10 > 0:26:13LAUGHTER
0:26:13 > 0:26:17- I don't actually...I don't actually know what it's made from...- Barley!
0:26:17 > 0:26:19- It's kind of yellow.- Yellow?
0:26:19 > 0:26:20Bananas?
0:26:20 > 0:26:23It's like veg, it's like rice. I think it's Turkish.
0:26:23 > 0:26:24Paella!
0:26:24 > 0:26:27- Turkish? Um... - Turkish Delight!
0:26:27 > 0:26:28Cracked wheat.
0:26:28 > 0:26:30Couscous!
0:26:30 > 0:26:32Well done, well done!
0:26:34 > 0:26:35Em...raw fish.
0:26:35 > 0:26:36Sushi!
0:26:38 > 0:26:41- Em...The Cube.- What? - The Cube.
0:26:41 > 0:26:43- Oh - Phillip Schofield. - Phillip Schofield - argh!
0:26:43 > 0:26:44Edgy...
0:26:44 > 0:26:45For doing your eyebrows.
0:26:45 > 0:26:47Tweezers.
0:26:47 > 0:26:48Oh - Madeley, you're amazing!
0:26:50 > 0:26:51A type of nut.
0:26:51 > 0:26:54- Shells are left everywhere afterwards...- Peanuts.
0:26:54 > 0:26:55Cashew!
0:26:55 > 0:26:57- Pistachio!- Pistachio!
0:26:57 > 0:26:59Oh! Dead heat on pistachio!
0:27:00 > 0:27:02Erm...twerking.
0:27:02 > 0:27:04Oh...Miley Cyrus.
0:27:04 > 0:27:05Oh, God!
0:27:06 > 0:27:10Erm...you want to put stuff onto...off your computer onto something,
0:27:10 > 0:27:12you can carry it around, save it.
0:27:12 > 0:27:13Floppy disk?
0:27:13 > 0:27:15LAUGHTER
0:27:15 > 0:27:16Memory stick, memory stick.
0:27:16 > 0:27:18MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:27:19 > 0:27:22Beating his arse.
0:27:22 > 0:27:23KLAXON BLARES
0:27:23 > 0:27:24Oh!
0:27:24 > 0:27:27- Well done, that was very good. - Thank you, Joe.
0:27:27 > 0:27:29Thank you very much, Joe.
0:27:30 > 0:27:32- Very good. - Joe, ladies and gentlemen.
0:27:32 > 0:27:33Oh, what a treat!
0:27:35 > 0:27:37- Let me just get the... - What's the score?
0:27:37 > 0:27:40I got four, Richard Madeley, seven.
0:27:40 > 0:27:42- He's still got it! - Still got it.
0:27:42 > 0:27:44He's the master of You Say, We Pay!
0:27:46 > 0:27:47Ladies and gentlemen,
0:27:47 > 0:27:52please thank the legend that is Richard Madeley - fantastic.
0:27:52 > 0:27:55Absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much.
0:27:55 > 0:27:59- Pleasure. I really enjoyed it. Really good fun.- Thank you so much.
0:27:59 > 0:28:01Richard Madeley - we love Madeley!
0:28:01 > 0:28:03Go on, Madeley!
0:28:06 > 0:28:09Anyway, I believe that I have a mobile phone here,
0:28:09 > 0:28:10as part of our Send To All game
0:28:10 > 0:28:12and it belongs to Joe!
0:28:14 > 0:28:16Quick reminder of the text,
0:28:16 > 0:28:19which was, "Thinking of getting a total make-over.
0:28:19 > 0:28:21"Where should I start? I won't be offended."
0:28:21 > 0:28:24That's gone out to everyone. I don't know who to work your phone,
0:28:24 > 0:28:25so I don't know how many have got back,
0:28:25 > 0:28:28But I can tell you already, Joe, there's people...
0:28:28 > 0:28:30David Lynch? Who's David Lynch?
0:28:30 > 0:28:33- A former housemate. - A former housemate.- Yeah.
0:28:33 > 0:28:34Brilliant. He says...
0:28:34 > 0:28:36Oh, he's very sweet, he really likes you.
0:28:36 > 0:28:37Um...
0:28:37 > 0:28:40"Don't get a make-over. You're perfect the way you are."
0:28:44 > 0:28:45Is this a bloke?
0:28:46 > 0:28:50He says, "Maybe a bit of blush to bring out your cheekbones."
0:28:53 > 0:28:55Brian O'Donoghue.
0:28:55 > 0:29:00- Who's that?- A person from college, I think.- "With the arse. Total..."
0:29:02 > 0:29:07He actually says, "With the arse...totally the arse."
0:29:10 > 0:29:11Who is he?
0:29:11 > 0:29:15Eh...if it's the Brian I'm thinking of, it's a person from college.
0:29:15 > 0:29:17Yeah, then he's followed up with,
0:29:17 > 0:29:19"You realise I don't know who you are?"
0:29:23 > 0:29:26Your mum - bless your mum, she's really panicking.
0:29:26 > 0:29:28She's said, "What do you mean?"
0:29:28 > 0:29:31Then she's followed that with, "What number can I get you on?"
0:29:35 > 0:29:36Your poor mum, who created you.
0:29:38 > 0:29:40OK. I'm going to text your mum back, I think.
0:29:42 > 0:29:43"Too late, Mum.
0:29:50 > 0:29:52"I'm at the tattoo parlour now.
0:29:57 > 0:29:58"Don't panic...
0:30:01 > 0:30:04- "You get a mention." - LAUGHTER
0:30:07 > 0:30:10APPLAUSE
0:30:10 > 0:30:14- Thank you very much, Joe. - CHEERING
0:30:16 > 0:30:18And now a genuine treat.
0:30:18 > 0:30:23She went from stunning '60s supermodel to star of stage and screen,
0:30:23 > 0:30:27from comedy genius to documentary maker and tireless campaigner.
0:30:27 > 0:30:29there is nothing this woman can't do.
0:30:29 > 0:30:32She is absolutely, totally, utterly tremendously, ridiculously fabulous.
0:30:32 > 0:30:38- It's Joanna Lumley! - APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:30:42 > 0:30:44Oh, what a pleasure!
0:30:46 > 0:30:51What an absolute pleasure. Joanna Lumley is here! Come on!
0:30:51 > 0:30:53Oh!
0:30:54 > 0:30:56- Gosh, Mike. - Thank you so much for being here.
0:30:56 > 0:30:59- It's such a pleasure to be here. - You look absolutely amazing.
0:30:59 > 0:31:02- I have admired you for so long.- Don't be silly.- No, honestly, I have.
0:31:02 > 0:31:05I once sat behind you at an awards ceremony at the O2 Arena.
0:31:05 > 0:31:09- I remember it. I remember it. - My heart was beating.
0:31:09 > 0:31:11- Stop it!- Actually, neither of us won that night.
0:31:11 > 0:31:13We were both up for prizes and we didn't get them,
0:31:13 > 0:31:17- but I thought we behaved very well. - We spoke, do you remember it? - We did, we did.
0:31:17 > 0:31:21Do you remember actually what happened, though, because you said you were not smoking, or something.
0:31:21 > 0:31:24- I was lying again, wasn't I? - Everyone was going out.
0:31:24 > 0:31:26Everyone was going out for cigarettes.
0:31:26 > 0:31:29- I tell you who went out for cigarettes, Simon Cowell. - Yes. Yes, I remember this.
0:31:29 > 0:31:33And I tagged on behind him in that rather oily way I have of pretending I was his friend.
0:31:33 > 0:31:35How did that go, that cigarette with Cowell?
0:31:35 > 0:31:37It was very good, I had about seven of them. Because we...
0:31:37 > 0:31:40I hadn't got any, so I just said, "Can you give me some cigarettes?"
0:31:40 > 0:31:42So he subbed me the cigarettes outside.
0:31:42 > 0:31:46It's not terribly glamorous, but it's kind of something showbiz, you know, in a way?
0:31:46 > 0:31:50It is showbiz. But you are showbiz. I mean, you've been in show business for so long, Joanna.
0:31:50 > 0:31:52Well, that's one way of putting it.
0:31:52 > 0:31:57I have been kind of acting, as it were, for about 45 years,
0:31:57 > 0:32:00- which is extraordinary.- Incredible. - It has changed hugely.
0:32:00 > 0:32:01It's changed because, for instance,
0:32:01 > 0:32:04- when I did a show called The New Avengers.- Yes.
0:32:04 > 0:32:08We shot it on film, and video didn't exist.
0:32:08 > 0:32:12So the contract you signed was for a television show which went out
0:32:12 > 0:32:15and was shown, it might be repeated. But videos didn't exist.
0:32:15 > 0:32:18Then they invented videos and we hadn't got that in our contract,
0:32:18 > 0:32:22so everything that happened after that, we never got paid for because it didn't exist.
0:32:22 > 0:32:25I'm really sorry, Joanna, but you're all right, financially?
0:32:25 > 0:32:28- Well, obviously, you know, struggling.- I'm slightly worried about this.
0:32:28 > 0:32:32I mean, all we know so far is you're bumming cigarettes, you never got paid for your work...
0:32:32 > 0:32:36It's getting into a bit of a sad story. But that's changed. What else has changed?
0:32:36 > 0:32:38People like you, there's masses more of these lovely shows,
0:32:38 > 0:32:40which are much livelier and kind of buzzier.
0:32:40 > 0:32:44We don't have to watch the show when it comes on, we can just...
0:32:44 > 0:32:46Pick it up later, you know.
0:32:46 > 0:32:48I know. I don't watch anything at the time that it's on.
0:32:48 > 0:32:53- I mean, this show is on on a Monday night, but you're not always in on a Monday night.- I am.
0:32:53 > 0:32:57- It's cos you're on it.- Oh, you're... - Yeah.- This is amazing.- Yeah.
0:32:57 > 0:33:00Now, Joanna, this leads me onto something I was going to talk about later, but...
0:33:00 > 0:33:02Go on, Michael.
0:33:04 > 0:33:06Flirting, Joanna.
0:33:06 > 0:33:07Mm-hmm.
0:33:09 > 0:33:12This is something that comes very naturally to you.
0:33:12 > 0:33:15Oh, I thought you were going to say to you.
0:33:15 > 0:33:18It comes... It's very unnatural to me. Cos you're in a book.
0:33:18 > 0:33:21I don't know if you know this, there's actually a book called
0:33:21 > 0:33:23Flirting For Dummies, and you're in it.
0:33:23 > 0:33:26- Am I the dummy? What is it? - No. It's a weird title, Flirting For Dummies,
0:33:26 > 0:33:29cos of course you don't need to flirt with a dummy,
0:33:29 > 0:33:31you just blow it up. But anyway...
0:33:31 > 0:33:36You're actually in here. It's called "the Joanna Lumley." "Calm, sophisticated, ladylike."
0:33:36 > 0:33:40It's in there, it's in the book. You're name-checked in the flirting book.
0:33:40 > 0:33:43- Flirting is just being charming and lovely and people want to hang around you.- Right.
0:33:43 > 0:33:45Obvious flirting is that kind of...
0:33:45 > 0:33:48But I tell you what works, if you really want to impress somebody,
0:33:48 > 0:33:50and you don't want to strike that night,
0:33:50 > 0:33:53watch them, be seen watching them.
0:33:53 > 0:33:55It can go wrong, it can obviously... Stalking, you know.
0:33:55 > 0:33:59- There is a stalking overlap. - But just that watching. So you're being funny here,
0:33:59 > 0:34:01and I'm being funny and amusing and my girlfriend's like that,
0:34:01 > 0:34:05and I turn round and you're watching and you go, "He's still watching me! Fantastic!"
0:34:05 > 0:34:07So that works.
0:34:07 > 0:34:10- When does watching slip into staring?- Staring, obviously, that's not good.
0:34:10 > 0:34:14- But you wouldn't... - Let's try it. So you...- Am I here?
0:34:14 > 0:34:15Well, I'll just be watching.
0:34:15 > 0:34:19Yeah. And here I am and I'm talking, laughing, saying, "Did you? What fun! How..."
0:34:21 > 0:34:23No. No, that's...
0:34:24 > 0:34:28- No, no, that's awful, actually. - I'm throwing eyebrows, here! I'm throwing eyebrows!
0:34:28 > 0:34:32- No, no, no.- Wait a minute, wait a minute - I threw eyebrows in.
0:34:32 > 0:34:34Not with the combo?
0:34:34 > 0:34:35It's...
0:34:35 > 0:34:37JOANNA LAUGHS
0:34:38 > 0:34:40Well, maybe not both together like that.
0:34:40 > 0:34:42Maybe you want a little bit of a Roger Moore,
0:34:42 > 0:34:46a little bit of something, but not that kind of frantic... You know?
0:34:46 > 0:34:49- "Did you turn the iron off?" Not that one.- Yeah.
0:34:50 > 0:34:55- Now, I've seen your documentary, which is amazing. Your Will.i.am documentary.- Yes.
0:34:55 > 0:34:58I tell you what it was, I thought maybe a different way of talking
0:34:58 > 0:35:02- to people, famous people, would be to go where they live.- Lovely idea.
0:35:02 > 0:35:06And to hang out with their family, see where they went to school, what they do, and stuff.
0:35:06 > 0:35:09And he's an exceptional man. Born in the ghetto in Los Angeles.
0:35:09 > 0:35:11I love the way you say "ghetto."
0:35:11 > 0:35:14- It's just wonderful, isn't it? "Ghetto."- That's flirting.
0:35:14 > 0:35:17- Yeah.- No, no!
0:35:17 > 0:35:20You were just inching along toward some progress
0:35:20 > 0:35:22and then that happens again!
0:35:23 > 0:35:26I think we've got a clip of the documentary.
0:35:32 > 0:35:36- Tell me about this.- Remember I was telling you in the car?- Yeah, yeah.
0:35:36 > 0:35:38So, like, this is a water bottle.
0:35:38 > 0:35:43- So they take a water bottle and they turn it into these flakes, right? - Yeah.
0:35:43 > 0:35:44Sheesh!
0:35:44 > 0:35:47Then they refine those flakes to even thinner flakes
0:35:47 > 0:35:51- then they turn them into cotton, right?- Cotton wool. Yeah, cotton.
0:35:51 > 0:35:55Then we take that cotton wool and we turn into this thread.
0:35:58 > 0:36:01- That's extraordinary.- Yeah. And then we weave that thread...
0:36:01 > 0:36:03- Feels like silk. - ..into fabric.
0:36:04 > 0:36:05Wow!
0:36:05 > 0:36:09- APPLAUSE How lovely!- Amazing.
0:36:09 > 0:36:13- You can do that from a bottle?- From the bottles. You shred it.
0:36:13 > 0:36:14- Recycling.- Yeah.
0:36:14 > 0:36:21But recycling and remaking it into cloth, into bags, into shades, into anything.
0:36:21 > 0:36:22That's so much better than me.
0:36:24 > 0:36:27I go to the dump and I just put everything in general waste.
0:36:30 > 0:36:32So, Joanna, we have to talk about your brilliance
0:36:32 > 0:36:35and Absolutely Fabulous, which is, you know...
0:36:35 > 0:36:39That deserves a round of applause just for mentioning Absolutely Fabulous!
0:36:39 > 0:36:42APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:36:42 > 0:36:45- What fun!- What fun! - Was it so much fun making that show?
0:36:45 > 0:36:48Too much fun. Too much fun. Too much fun.
0:36:48 > 0:36:52I mean, it's astonishing now to think that we did the first one in 1991. It's so long ago now.
0:36:52 > 0:36:54How did it come about that you got the part?
0:36:54 > 0:36:58The script was sent to me by Miss Jennifer Saunders, of course, who I knew from French and Saunders.
0:36:58 > 0:37:02- So you never worked with her? You weren't friends?- No, didn't know her, never met her.- Right.
0:37:02 > 0:37:06And there it plopped through the letter box, and there was this unbelievably funny script,
0:37:06 > 0:37:09and I thought, "They'll never be able to make this, it's too funny."
0:37:09 > 0:37:13And I went along to meet her, and to meet Jon Plowman, the extraordinary producer.
0:37:13 > 0:37:16I keep doing this because this shirt's got a life of its own.
0:37:16 > 0:37:18Flirting again.
0:37:19 > 0:37:21Oh, it keeps slipping off, Michael.
0:37:21 > 0:37:25No, OK. So, I went along, read, and eventually, you know, I thought,
0:37:25 > 0:37:27"Oh, no, this is awful, she's going to hate me."
0:37:27 > 0:37:30And I went back to my agent and said, "You'd better get me out of this,
0:37:30 > 0:37:33"because it's awful and she doesn't think I'm funny."
0:37:33 > 0:37:35And the agent just said, "Just do it, it's a pilot."
0:37:35 > 0:37:37So I went and did it and - poof! It went.
0:37:37 > 0:37:40Cos Patsy's very different to you, isn't she?
0:37:40 > 0:37:43Yeah. Well, you couldn't be alive if you were Patsy.
0:37:43 > 0:37:45She's had all her organs removed, she's had everything taken out.
0:37:45 > 0:37:50She was a man for a little bit, she had something stitched on and it fell off.
0:37:50 > 0:37:54- And she grew a beard for a bit. She's...- She doesn't eat.
0:37:54 > 0:37:57She doesn't eat at all. Not since 1978.
0:37:57 > 0:38:01There's a really funny scene, a clip we've got of Patsy eating a crisp, I think.
0:38:01 > 0:38:03It's really funny.
0:38:03 > 0:38:06I... I'm feeling a little peckish.
0:38:09 > 0:38:11So, have you got any of those, um...
0:38:11 > 0:38:13Food things.
0:38:17 > 0:38:19Oh, cheers.
0:38:35 > 0:38:36Delicious.
0:38:36 > 0:38:39- APPLAUSE - That's so funny!
0:38:39 > 0:38:42So, has that been the most fun for you, playing that character,
0:38:42 > 0:38:45- as an actress? - Honestly, just fantastic.
0:38:45 > 0:38:49Acting is tremendously good fun. Don't rely on it.
0:38:49 > 0:38:52If you think of it as a job, and quite a lot of young ones come and say,
0:38:52 > 0:38:55"Ooh, I'd love to act." What you've got to realise is people like me are
0:38:55 > 0:38:59flying on the pig's back, or whatever you fly on, things like that.
0:38:59 > 0:39:00- Very high. Hog's back.- Yeah.
0:39:00 > 0:39:05Riding on the hog's back. Walking... Anyway, doing quite OK.
0:39:05 > 0:39:06Now. Now.
0:39:06 > 0:39:09But what they don't show you is the years of nothing and the years of...
0:39:09 > 0:39:13- Yeah. The years of nothing. - One year earning 60 quid and not being able to sign on the dole, even.
0:39:13 > 0:39:17- But did you fall into acting, or was that the plan?- I liked acting.
0:39:17 > 0:39:21- I fell into modelling.- Right. - Because I didn't go to acting school.
0:39:21 > 0:39:25I know you didn't go very long, but there was some kind of charm school, or...?
0:39:25 > 0:39:28- Oh, no, the Lucy Clayton Modelling School.- Yes.- This is exciting.
0:39:28 > 0:39:31- Well, it was a finishing school as well, but I went to the modelling course.- Right.
0:39:31 > 0:39:35Anyway, it was the best fun in the world, we learned how to do things gracefully.
0:39:35 > 0:39:39- We learned how when you leave a room...- Yeah.- Um...
0:39:39 > 0:39:43- I might save that up for when I... Cos I know I've got to leave... Do you want me to go now?- No!
0:39:43 > 0:39:45OK, this is me leaving a room here.
0:39:45 > 0:39:48- OK, right.- I get to the door like this, and I open the door,
0:39:48 > 0:39:51and just before I leave, I turn round and look at you.
0:39:51 > 0:39:53Oh, that's fantastic!
0:39:53 > 0:39:55So your lasting impression is one of gorgeousness.
0:39:55 > 0:39:59- That's a lovely moment.- And not your bad back and your bad-ish bottom and possibly,
0:39:59 > 0:40:02quite possibly, some skirt tucked into your tights, you know?
0:40:04 > 0:40:07Do you remember anything else? Cos I'm really into all this.
0:40:07 > 0:40:11- Getting in and out of cars, which was terribly important. - That's a huge moment.
0:40:11 > 0:40:14- Because A - the very short skirts. And B...- What a trial!
0:40:14 > 0:40:19And if you weren't wearing trousers, you don't want to have that ghastly kind of legs agape thing.
0:40:19 > 0:40:21So what you had to do was to learn...
0:40:21 > 0:40:24I mean, I can't really do it here because you haven't got the door,
0:40:24 > 0:40:27but they always imagined your boyfriend had a sports car.
0:40:27 > 0:40:29- And the sports car was an E-type Jaguar.- Fabulous.
0:40:29 > 0:40:31They didn't know my boyfriends, obviously.
0:40:31 > 0:40:34None of us knew anybody who had an E-type Jaguar,
0:40:34 > 0:40:36but they had a kind of mock-up of a car seat.
0:40:36 > 0:40:39- What, in the modelling school?! - Yes, I think they did.
0:40:39 > 0:40:41Here's my thing, and the car door opens,
0:40:41 > 0:40:44by your handsome boyfriend, opens the car door, so you look at him
0:40:44 > 0:40:49and smile and put your hand on the car like that, one inside,
0:40:49 > 0:40:52and you'd put your bottom in first and then swing your legs and knees,
0:40:52 > 0:40:55glued - nailed together - into the car.
0:40:55 > 0:40:57MICHAEL CHUCKLES
0:40:57 > 0:41:00And then you'd smile up at him gratefully, like that.
0:41:00 > 0:41:02And he'd slam the door, and then you're inside.
0:41:02 > 0:41:05You didn't have to wear safety belts in those days,
0:41:05 > 0:41:08just went straight through the windscreen.
0:41:08 > 0:41:10Yes, but when you go through the windscreen,
0:41:10 > 0:41:13you have to make sure that your knees are together,
0:41:13 > 0:41:15and that you're smiling politely
0:41:15 > 0:41:18and your head just goes nicely through the windscreen
0:41:18 > 0:41:22and you keep smiling and then the legs are still together on the bonnet,
0:41:22 > 0:41:26and then you thank your date. "Thank you so much!"
0:41:26 > 0:41:30- "Can I have your insurance details?" - APPLAUSE
0:41:33 > 0:41:38The Lucy Clayton School of Head-on Collisions.
0:41:38 > 0:41:41So how about catwalks? Did you do any catwalk?
0:41:41 > 0:41:44- No.- OK.- No.
0:41:44 > 0:41:45Sorry.
0:41:45 > 0:41:50But you knew...? You were ready. You could do the walk? They taught you the walk?
0:41:50 > 0:41:54- Do you want to try the walk with me? - Oh, yeah, why not? I love walking with you. Let's walk!
0:41:54 > 0:41:57- Let's walk.- So they taught you this at the Lucy Clayton? Yes.
0:41:57 > 0:42:00You wanted to walk as though there was a straight line.
0:42:00 > 0:42:04- Shall I try to draw one with my foot like that?- Oh, amazing!
0:42:04 > 0:42:07- That's not bad, is it? - That's brilliant.- For a drunkard.
0:42:07 > 0:42:10Now, watching this line, Michael, if you can see it,
0:42:10 > 0:42:12you want to put your right foot on the left side of the line
0:42:12 > 0:42:17- and your left foot on the right side of the line, so when you walk... - You walk either side of the line?!
0:42:17 > 0:42:21- Try to do it.- This is actually perfect for just after the car crash when the police come
0:42:21 > 0:42:25and as well as the breathalyser, "Can you just walk in a straight line?"
0:42:30 > 0:42:34APPLAUSE
0:42:34 > 0:42:37In France you have to take your own breathalyser kit with you,
0:42:37 > 0:42:39so if you're bored, you just go... "Oh, lord!" You know?
0:42:40 > 0:42:44Why? Why would you arrest yourself? "Crikey! I've drunk plenty!"
0:42:44 > 0:42:48- That's true, I remember that. - Yes, on the Continent you have to have that.
0:42:48 > 0:42:51You have to have it in your car so if you feel in doubt about
0:42:51 > 0:42:53- whether you should drive, you breathalyse yourself.- Yes.
0:42:53 > 0:42:56And then if you're over the limit, do you turn yourself in?
0:42:56 > 0:42:58You drive straight to the police station.
0:42:58 > 0:43:00MICHAEL LAUGHS
0:43:02 > 0:43:06"I've made a citizen's arrest on myself. I'm completely hammered!"
0:43:06 > 0:43:09Joanna Lumley, you've been so much...
0:43:09 > 0:43:11So amazingly fun, and it's been fantastic.
0:43:11 > 0:43:14McIntyre, will you do something? Will you promise to see me...
0:43:14 > 0:43:16Watch me to the door, because I'm going to turn and smile at you.
0:43:16 > 0:43:19- Oh, we will definitely be watching you.- Do I kiss you first?
0:43:19 > 0:43:21I want full-on etiquette. Wait, wait - let's...
0:43:25 > 0:43:30- Let's have the most etiquette-filled departure.- Oh, OK.
0:43:30 > 0:43:33I think we should start with some light flirting,
0:43:33 > 0:43:36- then I'll catwalk to you.- OK.- OK.
0:43:36 > 0:43:41- Then you have to get out of the imaginary car.- Out of the car, yeah. - And then departure.
0:43:41 > 0:43:46Ladies and gentlemen, will you join me in thanking the most sophisticated of all my guests ever,
0:43:46 > 0:43:49the fabulous and gorgeous Joanna Lumley.
0:43:49 > 0:43:53APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
0:44:03 > 0:44:07Thank you so much, darling. Absolute pleasure.
0:44:07 > 0:44:09Thanks, Michael.
0:44:09 > 0:44:11Joanna Lumley, ladies and gentlemen!
0:44:11 > 0:44:15CHEERING
0:44:15 > 0:44:19Joanna Lumley! Oh!
0:44:19 > 0:44:22OK, right, we're going to wrap up the show, now.
0:44:22 > 0:44:28Obviously there's a slight situation I need to attend to, which is called, Joe's telephone.
0:44:28 > 0:44:31Joe, you've been brilliant, you've been such fun,
0:44:31 > 0:44:34and we're all just crossing our fingers that your mother has...
0:44:34 > 0:44:37not got back to us!
0:44:37 > 0:44:41Oh, that's so annoying! Oh, I have to phone her.
0:44:46 > 0:44:49ANSWERPHONE MESSAGE PLAYS
0:44:49 > 0:44:52- AUDIENCE MEMBERS:- Leave a message! - Leave a message!
0:44:52 > 0:44:55FROM PHONE: 'Please leave a message after the tone.'
0:44:55 > 0:44:59- IRISH ACCENT:- Mum, I can't believe you didn't phone me back!
0:44:59 > 0:45:01APPLAUSE
0:45:01 > 0:45:03It's been absolute disaster.
0:45:03 > 0:45:05I don't know what got into me,
0:45:05 > 0:45:09I was making some water and I forgot to put it through the mesh, and my brain's gone.
0:45:09 > 0:45:12My brain's gone totally psychotic because of the unmeshed water.
0:45:12 > 0:45:16I'd forgotten, I was trying to purify it and the purifier didn't work,
0:45:16 > 0:45:19and I don't know what got into my head, I felt I needed a make-over
0:45:19 > 0:45:22and I've only gone and tattooed your face onto my butt.
0:45:23 > 0:45:27Could you please do me a favour and call me?
0:45:27 > 0:45:31All right. Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it for Joe!
0:45:31 > 0:45:33CHEERING
0:45:33 > 0:45:36Joe, you get your Send To All telephone
0:45:36 > 0:45:39and you get some explaining to do, as well.
0:45:39 > 0:45:41Thank you so much, Joe!
0:45:44 > 0:45:46Thank you to all of tonight's guests.
0:45:46 > 0:45:49We had Tinie Tempah,
0:45:49 > 0:45:52Richard Madeley, and the wonderfully divine Joanna Lumley.
0:45:55 > 0:45:56Join me next week
0:45:56 > 0:46:00when I'll be joined by Bear Grylls, Nigella Lawson and Gary Barlow.
0:46:00 > 0:46:03Thank you for watching, good night. Thank you.