0:00:02 > 0:00:04What a show tonight! Look at this! Comedy from Sarah Millican.
0:00:04 > 0:00:08We've got Grayson Perry here. Music from Newton Faulkner and me.
0:00:08 > 0:00:09Let's do it.
0:00:09 > 0:00:13CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:19 > 0:00:22Oh, thank you. Thank you so much for coming. Welcome to the show.
0:00:22 > 0:00:26Straight away, look at this. Check out these guys, third row back.
0:00:26 > 0:00:29ZZTop - The Wilderness Years.
0:00:29 > 0:00:31LAUGHTER
0:00:31 > 0:00:35I'm drawn to yours on the left with the blazer and the cravat.
0:00:35 > 0:00:40- That's an evil beard, isn't it? - It's a nice beard.- It is.
0:00:40 > 0:00:42Now, you must have come together.
0:00:42 > 0:00:46- Well, yes, we're all members of the British Beard Club.- Yay!
0:00:46 > 0:00:50CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:00:50 > 0:00:54- Who's the highest-ranking member? - Well, I'm the president.
0:00:54 > 0:00:56- And what's your name, sir? - David.- David, welcome.
0:00:56 > 0:00:59- Welcome to the show, David. - Thank you.- How did it happen?
0:00:59 > 0:01:04Well, we all attended an international beard competition.
0:01:04 > 0:01:06HE CHUCKLES
0:01:06 > 0:01:07Why?
0:01:07 > 0:01:08LAUGHTER
0:01:08 > 0:01:11Just for fun. There's a tremendous camaraderie.
0:01:11 > 0:01:16People come from all over the world to...just to show off their beards.
0:01:16 > 0:01:18How did you discover the competition?
0:01:18 > 0:01:21I think it was because the competition was put on
0:01:21 > 0:01:26by the British Facial Hair Club For Men Only With Moustaches.
0:01:26 > 0:01:27LAUGHTER
0:01:27 > 0:01:29OK, we have to stop there.
0:01:29 > 0:01:30LAUGHTER
0:01:30 > 0:01:35- The British Facial Hair Club For Men Who Only Have Moustaches!- Yes.
0:01:35 > 0:01:37They don't allow you to have beards.
0:01:37 > 0:01:40So, a few of us who had beards got together
0:01:40 > 0:01:43and we thought there isn't a beard club, so we'll create one.
0:01:43 > 0:01:46And the man next to you, I'm guessing,
0:01:46 > 0:01:48gets most of his work at Christmas.
0:01:48 > 0:01:50LAUGHTER
0:01:50 > 0:01:57Well, I do have problems walking down the street without people saying, "Hello, Santa!"
0:01:57 > 0:01:58LAUGHTER
0:01:58 > 0:02:01- Have you ever played Father Christmas?- I haven't, no.
0:02:01 > 0:02:03You haven't?! You're missing a trick there.
0:02:03 > 0:02:05You should get down to Selfridges.
0:02:05 > 0:02:09Well, it's lovely to have members of the Beard Club with us.
0:02:09 > 0:02:10APPLAUSE
0:02:10 > 0:02:11Welcome, welcome.
0:02:11 > 0:02:16Look at this, down, front row. Front row, on the aisle.
0:02:16 > 0:02:18- A lady with tattoos.- Good evening.
0:02:18 > 0:02:22Oh, a confident lady with tattoos!
0:02:22 > 0:02:24Good evening, and the headband there as well. What is your name?
0:02:24 > 0:02:28- My name is Alison.- Hello, Alison. - Hiya.- Welcome along to the show.
0:02:28 > 0:02:32- Thank you.- What is it that you do for a living, Alison?
0:02:32 > 0:02:35I'm a ticket inspector on the trains.
0:02:35 > 0:02:38AUDIENCE JEERS
0:02:38 > 0:02:42- That explains something. - That's why I was late!
0:02:42 > 0:02:43LAUGHTER
0:02:43 > 0:02:46Now here's an interesting thing.
0:02:46 > 0:02:50How often will there be somebody purposely evading the fare?
0:02:50 > 0:02:55- Quite often, unfortunately.- Really?! - Yeah.- So, you come across...
0:02:55 > 0:03:01Have you ever apprehended a notable person, a famous face?
0:03:01 > 0:03:02Yes, I have.
0:03:02 > 0:03:04Who was it?
0:03:04 > 0:03:10- It was a... He was a boxer. - Oh, a boxer! Was it Muhammad Ali?
0:03:10 > 0:03:11LAUGHTER
0:03:11 > 0:03:14- No.- Was it Sylvester Stallone?
0:03:14 > 0:03:15LAUGHTER
0:03:15 > 0:03:17- No.- All right, you can't say who it was.
0:03:17 > 0:03:21I can't say who it was, but I've still got part of my ear left.
0:03:21 > 0:03:23CROWD JEERS
0:03:23 > 0:03:28I don't see Mike Tyson catching the train anywhere in the UK!
0:03:28 > 0:03:32That would be bizarre. It wasn't Mike Tyson!
0:03:32 > 0:03:33No.
0:03:33 > 0:03:35LAUGHTER
0:03:35 > 0:03:38- So you said to him... - I said, "Do you have a train ticket?"
0:03:38 > 0:03:40- He said, "No."- Right.
0:03:40 > 0:03:45I said, "Unfortunately, you need to have a train ticket for travelling on trains."
0:03:45 > 0:03:50- And he said, "Do you know who I am?" - Oh, no. But you did know who he was.
0:03:50 > 0:03:52- I did know who he was, yes. - And who was he?
0:03:52 > 0:03:55- I still can't mention, I'm afraid. - All right, OK.
0:03:55 > 0:03:57So what happened then?
0:03:57 > 0:04:02- Er, he paid his £20 and he wasn't a very happy bunny.- Wow.
0:04:02 > 0:04:06Wow, that's scary.
0:04:06 > 0:04:09I have sat... I have been on the train when I've mistakenly...
0:04:09 > 0:04:10That's what they all say!
0:04:10 > 0:04:15LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
0:04:15 > 0:04:18Well, look, you're very welcome. Thank you for coming along.
0:04:18 > 0:04:21And if you ever see me on a train, look kindly on me, OK?
0:04:21 > 0:04:25I'll have my penalty fare badge close by.
0:04:25 > 0:04:28Have you got a ticket for tonight?
0:04:28 > 0:04:29LAUGHTER
0:04:29 > 0:04:31Thanks very much. Thank you.
0:04:31 > 0:04:33APPLAUSE
0:04:33 > 0:04:38Now, in a moment, one of Britain's most exciting artists, Grayson Perry,
0:04:38 > 0:04:40and there'll be music from Newton Faulkner.
0:04:40 > 0:04:43But first, she's the comedian we chose as the nation's favourite
0:04:43 > 0:04:45at the British Comedy Awards.
0:04:45 > 0:04:47Please give a big welcome, Sarah Millican.
0:04:47 > 0:04:51CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:05:02 > 0:05:04That is quite something,
0:05:04 > 0:05:08to be voted just favourite comedian of everybody.
0:05:08 > 0:05:13I know. I thought I may have got a crown and a sash because it's Queen.
0:05:13 > 0:05:14But I didn't.
0:05:14 > 0:05:16But a lovely feeling inside.
0:05:16 > 0:05:19- Oh, yes, it was lovely. It was very nice.- I would love that.
0:05:19 > 0:05:21To be Queen of Comedy!
0:05:21 > 0:05:23LAUGHTER
0:05:23 > 0:05:25If it's an award, I'll take it.
0:05:25 > 0:05:27LAUGHTER
0:05:27 > 0:05:28I couldn't believe this.
0:05:28 > 0:05:30You hadn't been to a comedy club
0:05:30 > 0:05:34until the first time you got up at a comedy club and did material.
0:05:34 > 0:05:38Yes, I stood on a stage. I had no idea how to stand, what to wear.
0:05:38 > 0:05:43I had no clue. They stared at me until I did... I did five minutes.
0:05:43 > 0:05:45And, halfway through, I did a joke about my dad.
0:05:45 > 0:05:47It was when I was getting divorced.
0:05:47 > 0:05:49All my early stuff is about my divorce.
0:05:49 > 0:05:51That's what got me on the stage in the first place.
0:05:51 > 0:05:53I had been crying in front of my dad.
0:05:53 > 0:05:56My dad is adorable, but I'd been crying in front of him just...
0:05:56 > 0:05:58You know when you're crying so much it's just...
0:05:58 > 0:06:01Your face is leaking from all of the holes.
0:06:01 > 0:06:05He just said, "You're bound to be upset, you've lost everything."
0:06:05 > 0:06:08LAUGHTER
0:06:08 > 0:06:11And then, he left a little pause and he said,
0:06:11 > 0:06:13"You've got nothing left."
0:06:13 > 0:06:17Just in case I was like, "Oh, I don't know. Could you clarify that, Dad?"
0:06:17 > 0:06:20They went from complete silence to this big whoof of laughter.
0:06:20 > 0:06:23I think other people would think, oh my God, I'm never doing this again.
0:06:23 > 0:06:26But I thought, well that bit's obviously got to go to the front
0:06:26 > 0:06:28in order to start off.
0:06:28 > 0:06:31- So you had that confidence straight away?- I think... I think...
0:06:31 > 0:06:33I started when I was 29. I think it's just about...
0:06:33 > 0:06:35Why did you come to it so late?
0:06:35 > 0:06:37Because I'd never thought about it before.
0:06:37 > 0:06:41It was only when I got divorced that I thought...I could do anything now!
0:06:41 > 0:06:43I just felt really liberated that I could try anything.
0:06:43 > 0:06:46I think some people sleep around and some people get drunk a lot.
0:06:46 > 0:06:48But I just told all my problems to strangers!
0:06:48 > 0:06:50LAUGHTER
0:06:50 > 0:06:52So, at 29, you did your first comedy.
0:06:52 > 0:06:57Before that, you'd done a range of jobs. One of them was fantastic.
0:06:57 > 0:06:59You literally worked for Mills & Boon.
0:06:59 > 0:07:02No, I worked for a company who produced audio books.
0:07:02 > 0:07:04Some of the books we did, were Mills & Boon. Yeah.
0:07:04 > 0:07:06- But you didn't narrate them? - Oh, no, no.
0:07:06 > 0:07:10- I was behind the glass, where I belong.- You were a producer.- Yes.
0:07:10 > 0:07:13But do you think you could have narrated them?
0:07:13 > 0:07:14Because you're a performer.
0:07:14 > 0:07:17It's a very friendly accent, the Geordie accent!
0:07:17 > 0:07:20- I think your accent would sound good and with that in mind...- Oh, no. Oh.
0:07:20 > 0:07:23- We've made this up, right.- OK. - It's a bit Mills & Boony.
0:07:23 > 0:07:26- OK.- Give us that in your lovely Newcastle...
0:07:26 > 0:07:27SHE CACKLES
0:07:27 > 0:07:29LAUGHTER
0:07:29 > 0:07:33In this voice? Or do you want me to put a sexy one on?
0:07:33 > 0:07:35Sexy, sexy Newcastle!
0:07:35 > 0:07:38Ooh, my God. Erm.
0:07:38 > 0:07:42(LOWER, HUSKIER TONE) "She felt his lips upon her bosoms...
0:07:42 > 0:07:44"like flickering tongues of fire.
0:07:44 > 0:07:47""Take me" she whispered.
0:07:47 > 0:07:49"And he did."
0:07:49 > 0:07:50LAUGHTER
0:07:50 > 0:07:52APPLAUSE
0:07:56 > 0:08:00(NORMAL TONE) You see, if I do it in this voice.
0:08:00 > 0:08:03"She felt his lips upon her bosoms. Like flickering tongues of fire.
0:08:03 > 0:08:06""Take us," she whispered. And he did!"
0:08:06 > 0:08:07LAUGHTER
0:08:07 > 0:08:09APPLAUSE
0:08:09 > 0:08:13That's very nice. That's very nice.
0:08:13 > 0:08:15- Now, you're about to go back on the road.- Yes, absolutely.
0:08:15 > 0:08:18I'm touring next year, but the tickets go on sale tomorrow.
0:08:18 > 0:08:21So, it's all very exciting because it's all... It's off again.
0:08:21 > 0:08:23Do you like the life on the road?
0:08:23 > 0:08:25I don't have to make my bed and that sort of thing
0:08:25 > 0:08:27because you stay in hotels and stuff.
0:08:27 > 0:08:29So that's nice. Er, but I have...
0:08:29 > 0:08:32Because I have got a cat now, so things are different.
0:08:32 > 0:08:36You've been banging on about this cat on Twitter, haven't you? This is Captain...
0:08:36 > 0:08:40Well, some people would say, sharing my life but if you want to say "banging on"...
0:08:40 > 0:08:43- I would say banging on about it. - This is Chief Brodie. Yes.
0:08:43 > 0:08:46He's adorable. But he doesn't like my arms very much.
0:08:46 > 0:08:48He likes to slash them.
0:08:48 > 0:08:52- Sometimes, we fall out. - Do you treat him like a child?
0:08:52 > 0:08:54SHE GIGGLES
0:08:54 > 0:08:56LAUGHTER
0:08:58 > 0:09:00Yes.
0:09:00 > 0:09:01LAUGHTER
0:09:01 > 0:09:03He now lets me hold him like a baby.
0:09:03 > 0:09:06He falls asleep in my arms. It's...
0:09:06 > 0:09:08Yeah, it's like having a kid without all the rubbish.
0:09:08 > 0:09:11You know, all the raising them and that.
0:09:11 > 0:09:13I'm well aware of what this looks like.
0:09:13 > 0:09:14LAUGHTER
0:09:14 > 0:09:16I don't really give a shit, either.
0:09:16 > 0:09:17LAUGHTER
0:09:17 > 0:09:20Now, you've been doing loads of TV, right, recently.
0:09:20 > 0:09:23You did your own show. You've been on lots of different shows.
0:09:23 > 0:09:26How do you find your material? Is it invented, or is it based on you?
0:09:26 > 0:09:29It's pretty much always based on truth.
0:09:29 > 0:09:30It may be tweaked for funny
0:09:30 > 0:09:33but mostly it's things that have happened or things I've said.
0:09:33 > 0:09:36- I've just got a notebook that I carry with me everywhere.- All the time?
0:09:36 > 0:09:38- Yeah.- Do you have it by the side of the bed?
0:09:38 > 0:09:40Yes, because when you're drifting off to sleep,
0:09:40 > 0:09:43sometimes you get really vivid ideas and you scribble them down.
0:09:43 > 0:09:46Because I will definitely not remember those in the morning.
0:09:46 > 0:09:49- No matter what you're doing in the bed?!- Yeah, yeah. Hm, yeah.
0:09:49 > 0:09:51An idea's an idea, Rob. They're like gold.
0:09:51 > 0:09:54You've got to write them down no matter what you're doing.
0:09:54 > 0:09:58- So, even if you've just embarked on a venture?- Embarked?!
0:09:58 > 0:10:00LAUGHTER
0:10:00 > 0:10:02You've just set out on a little personal journey,
0:10:02 > 0:10:04you'd still reach for the, erm...
0:10:04 > 0:10:06- Personal or...- No, no, no!
0:10:06 > 0:10:08LAUGHTER
0:10:09 > 0:10:11I genuinely didn't mean that!
0:10:11 > 0:10:12LAUGHTER
0:10:12 > 0:10:16No, this is no mock outrage, I genuinely didn't...
0:10:16 > 0:10:19- I mean, because you have a boyfriend, don't you?- I do.
0:10:19 > 0:10:21Are you telling me that in the middle of that,
0:10:21 > 0:10:24you would reach for the notebook?
0:10:24 > 0:10:27It sort of... It depends which bit we're doing.
0:10:27 > 0:10:29LAUGHTER
0:10:29 > 0:10:34If we're doing the sort of... introduction...
0:10:34 > 0:10:37then, yeah.
0:10:37 > 0:10:38LAUGHTER
0:10:38 > 0:10:41So, you would break away from that, right...
0:10:41 > 0:10:43You don't have to break away, you can just lean...
0:10:43 > 0:10:47What, you would just lean over? So, "You carry on, pet."
0:10:47 > 0:10:48LAUGHTER
0:10:48 > 0:10:52- You would do that?! - Yes. It's like...
0:10:52 > 0:10:56You could grab a pen and write it on his shoulder, couldn't you?!
0:10:56 > 0:10:59- Now, that's a really good idea. - You could.
0:10:59 > 0:11:01LAUGHTER
0:11:01 > 0:11:04Ladies and gentlemen, give your thanks to Sarah.
0:11:04 > 0:11:05APPLAUSE
0:11:05 > 0:11:07Thank you, Sarah. Lovely. Thank you.
0:11:07 > 0:11:14Now then, my next guest is riding a wave of popularity at the moment.
0:11:14 > 0:11:15I'm delighted to have him on.
0:11:15 > 0:11:20Please give a big welcome to the artist formerly and currently known as Grayson Perry.
0:11:20 > 0:11:26CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
0:11:34 > 0:11:39I have to comment on the outfit. You are a transvestite. So, it's... I...
0:11:39 > 0:11:43I didn't know that about you. I thought it was all art, the dresses.
0:11:43 > 0:11:45- I didn't know you were a transvestite.- No, I'm proper.
0:11:45 > 0:11:48I've got my licence and everything.
0:11:48 > 0:11:49LAUGHTER
0:11:49 > 0:11:52I started when I was 13, you know, like a lot of transvestites.
0:11:52 > 0:11:57- You dress up. I didn't even know there was such a thing.- Yeah.
0:11:57 > 0:12:00- I just had the impulse. - So you had the impulse to dress...
0:12:00 > 0:12:02I mean, the thought comes into your mind and you think,
0:12:02 > 0:12:05oh, yeah, that would be an interesting thing to do.
0:12:05 > 0:12:08You try it out and think, it's a bit of a turn-on.
0:12:08 > 0:12:11- Because it's such a strong look. - But I'm relaxed.- We've accepted you.
0:12:11 > 0:12:14But I'm relaxed. That's the thing. It takes two to tango.
0:12:14 > 0:12:16- If I'm relaxed, you're relaxed.- Yeah.
0:12:16 > 0:12:19If I go into a shop and say, "Have you got this in a size 14?"
0:12:19 > 0:12:22in a completely relaxed way, like a normal person, they go,
0:12:22 > 0:12:25"Of course we have." "Ooh, we had a tranny in today."
0:12:25 > 0:12:26But if I go in...
0:12:26 > 0:12:29(MUMBLES) "Have you got that in a size 14?"
0:12:29 > 0:12:32When you're nervous, you know that as a performer,
0:12:32 > 0:12:34if you're nervous, other people are.
0:12:34 > 0:12:36- Nobody wants to see someone embarrassed on stage, do they?- No.
0:12:36 > 0:12:38But that's what I do. I go up and say, "Size 14."
0:12:38 > 0:12:40And they go, "Ha-ha, 14!"
0:12:40 > 0:12:43LAUGHTER
0:12:45 > 0:12:50- Do you dress like that at home, if you are just relaxing?- No.
0:12:50 > 0:12:56It will be a jeans and a T-shirt, a couple of beers. A sketchbook.
0:12:56 > 0:13:00So, the art is part of dressing, because they're not ordinary dresses.
0:13:00 > 0:13:03But everything I do ends up being art because I'm an artist. It bleeds into it.
0:13:03 > 0:13:06But when did that start? When did the art start?
0:13:06 > 0:13:08Well, the thing is, when you sort of...
0:13:08 > 0:13:12I found out there was such a thing as transvestites.
0:13:12 > 0:13:14And so, therefore, the kind of status for transvestites,
0:13:14 > 0:13:17is how realistic can you look?
0:13:17 > 0:13:22- And so, it's like, er, do you pass in the street as a woman? - That's the challenge?
0:13:22 > 0:13:26Well, for general transvestites, that's often the kind of thing they aim for.
0:13:26 > 0:13:28And so that's what I tried to do.
0:13:28 > 0:13:30I used to get dressed up as a regular woman,
0:13:30 > 0:13:31go shopping down Oxford Street.
0:13:31 > 0:13:34- And nobody would give me a second look when I was young.- Yes.
0:13:34 > 0:13:36And I thought, isn't it boring?
0:13:36 > 0:13:39Then I had a sort of Damascene moment
0:13:39 > 0:13:42when I suddenly thought, actually, I could wear anything I wanted.
0:13:42 > 0:13:46And so I started, sort of, getting a bit more adventurous in my wardrobe.
0:13:46 > 0:13:52- Let's talk about art.- Yes.- Would you say pottery is your main thing?
0:13:52 > 0:13:54It's the thing I'm best known for.
0:13:54 > 0:13:58Yes, we have, we have an illustration of one of your pots.
0:13:58 > 0:14:00Yes, that's the Rosetta Vase.
0:14:00 > 0:14:04It's got quite a small neck, hasn't it? You couldn't get many daffodils, could you?
0:14:04 > 0:14:06- They're not really functional. - Oh, really.
0:14:06 > 0:14:09And they look a bit rubbish with flowers in, anyway.
0:14:09 > 0:14:11It's a bit like wearing a dress when you've got tattoos.
0:14:11 > 0:14:14ROB LAUGHS
0:14:14 > 0:14:17What dictates what goes on? How does that process work?
0:14:17 > 0:14:20You know, I do a few doodles beforehand in my sketchbook,
0:14:20 > 0:14:23when I've had a beer maybe, or just feeling a bit more relaxed.
0:14:23 > 0:14:25Because as you become more well-known as an artist
0:14:25 > 0:14:27you get very self conscious.
0:14:27 > 0:14:30Because also, there's the fact that it's worth a lot of money.
0:14:30 > 0:14:33So, every mark you make has a kind of monetary value.
0:14:33 > 0:14:37Is it vulgar to ask you what sort of price your stuff goes for now?
0:14:37 > 0:14:40Quite vulgar, yes. But I don't mind that. I quite like vulgar.
0:14:40 > 0:14:42What sort of price does your stuff go for?
0:14:42 > 0:14:44LAUGHTER
0:14:44 > 0:14:48Probably...the most I've sold for a vase would be around a hundred grand.
0:14:48 > 0:14:52- AUDIENCE GASPING - £100,000?!
0:14:52 > 0:14:53But you've got to think I've got to pay tax.
0:14:53 > 0:14:56I know some... That may be a foreign idea to some comedians, I know.
0:14:56 > 0:14:58Whoa, whoa!
0:14:58 > 0:15:01APPLAUSE
0:15:03 > 0:15:05Is it true that you actually throw some away?
0:15:05 > 0:15:10You've got to have your standards, your reputation to keep up, so if you don't think it's any good...
0:15:10 > 0:15:13But it's not just the sculptures and stuff, is it now?
0:15:13 > 0:15:15I mean, a little doodle - if you were to do a doodle, that would ...
0:15:15 > 0:15:20Mm, it's frightening, when you sit down with a pad of paper,
0:15:20 > 0:15:23- and you think, "I literally can draw money."- Wow.
0:15:23 > 0:15:27That's quite a frightening thought. I call it "Picasso napkin syndrome", which is that feeling of...
0:15:27 > 0:15:30You know how he used to draw on a napkin to pay for his meal?
0:15:30 > 0:15:32- Francis Bacon did that as well, didn't he?- Yeah.
0:15:32 > 0:15:34He would doodle on the napkin.
0:15:34 > 0:15:36And I kind of freeze up so, you know...
0:15:36 > 0:15:39I find it's quite difficult to kind of, you know...
0:15:39 > 0:15:41I get sort of creatively constipated.
0:15:41 > 0:15:44- What, what were you like at art? - I'm quite regular, thanks.
0:15:44 > 0:15:46- Are you an arty person? - Yeah, I used to like drawing.
0:15:46 > 0:15:50I don't think I was any good at it, but I enjoyed the process and I think that's...
0:15:50 > 0:15:53I did it a lot at home, because when you're at school, you get marked,
0:15:53 > 0:15:55and I didn't really like that process.
0:15:55 > 0:15:58I just enjoyed drawing, regardless of whether anybody
0:15:58 > 0:16:00thought it was valuable or not, any good.
0:16:00 > 0:16:03Did they rate you at school, Grayson? Were you thought of as...?
0:16:03 > 0:16:07- Yeah.- From what age? - From about 16.- From 16?
0:16:07 > 0:16:09So what about, so when you're sort of...?
0:16:09 > 0:16:12Well, I always enjoyed drawing, I was very keen on it,
0:16:12 > 0:16:14but I can remember at 16 my art teacher said to me,
0:16:14 > 0:16:16"Oh, I think you'll do well at art school,"
0:16:16 > 0:16:19cos before then I'd wanted to join the army.
0:16:19 > 0:16:20That's different.
0:16:20 > 0:16:23You wanted to join the army, seriously? Why, why?
0:16:23 > 0:16:26When I was young, I was into model planes and stuff,
0:16:26 > 0:16:29- and I wanted to be a pilot, and then I joined the cadets.- Yeah.
0:16:29 > 0:16:32And I liked running around, going, "Bang, bang!"
0:16:32 > 0:16:34I probably was a trainee psychopath as well.
0:16:34 > 0:16:36- Were you a little unbalanced? - I don't know.
0:16:36 > 0:16:38I had a troubled childhood so I probably...
0:16:38 > 0:16:41Yeah, I probably shouldn't have really been given a gun.
0:16:43 > 0:16:46So it wasn't until 16 that you went off in the direction...
0:16:46 > 0:16:50- Yeah, that's when I decided to become an artist and I just went for it.- Wow.
0:16:50 > 0:16:53What did you want to be when you were at school, not a comedian?
0:16:53 > 0:16:57No, I wanted to be a vet for a while until I realised it's not just cuddling animals.
0:16:57 > 0:17:01But before that I wanted to be a stripper.
0:17:02 > 0:17:06I was six or seven, I thought it was just nice dancing.
0:17:07 > 0:17:09Thank you, Sarah. Thank you, Grayson.
0:17:09 > 0:17:12Now, you're going to stay there for our next guest.
0:17:12 > 0:17:15He is talented, he's gifted, most of all, he's hairy.
0:17:15 > 0:17:17Please welcome Newton Faulkner.
0:17:28 > 0:17:30Oh, Newton Faulkner, ladies and gentlemen.
0:17:30 > 0:17:34Now, here's the interesting thing about Newton - middle name is Battenberg.
0:17:34 > 0:17:38- One of them.- One of them? - I've got a few.- Oh, this'll be good.
0:17:38 > 0:17:40- My full name's completely ridiculous.- Go on, then.
0:17:40 > 0:17:44I'm Sam Newton Battenberg Faulkner, son of Keith.
0:17:44 > 0:17:48Sam Newton Battenberg Faulkner. So, is there Battenberg in your family?
0:17:48 > 0:17:51Is there Battenberg in your kitchen, come to...?
0:17:52 > 0:17:56- It's my mother's maiden name, so it's just there.- She's a Battenberg?
0:17:56 > 0:17:59- She's a proper Battenberg. I'm only half Battenberg.- Are you?
0:17:59 > 0:18:00- I'm just the pink. - You're just a snack.
0:18:02 > 0:18:04And look at that lovely beard!
0:18:04 > 0:18:07Just as luck would have it,
0:18:07 > 0:18:12we've got the president of the British Beard Club here with us tonight.
0:18:12 > 0:18:15Let's get his opinion on Newton's beard.
0:18:15 > 0:18:18- Can I just pouf it up a bit? - Oh, please do, yes. Pouf away!
0:18:18 > 0:18:20Yes, it's very satisfactory.
0:18:22 > 0:18:24YES!
0:18:25 > 0:18:28- Oh, what a beautiful moment! - Wow! You passed the test.
0:18:30 > 0:18:34I was very excited to have you on the show, Newton, because I'm a big fan.
0:18:34 > 0:18:38It's not just your singing, you're a very individual guitarist.
0:18:38 > 0:18:41You can do things on that guitar that most people can't do.
0:18:41 > 0:18:43It's true to say. Show what I mean.
0:18:43 > 0:18:46You've got a style where you do all sorts of different things.
0:18:46 > 0:18:51- If I perch on the corner, is that disrespectful? I don't have shoes on.- Yeah, why not?
0:18:51 > 0:18:54It's like we're in an episode of Friends, isn't it?
0:18:57 > 0:19:00This is a very strange episode of Friends.
0:19:00 > 0:19:03The One Where Newton Sat On The Sofa.
0:19:03 > 0:19:05Which bit do you want first?
0:19:05 > 0:19:08Well, I love it when you do all that kind of...
0:19:08 > 0:19:11IMITATES GUITAR MUSIC
0:19:19 > 0:19:21SPEECH DROWNED OUT BY APPLAUSE
0:19:33 > 0:19:35- That was a fun one.- Wow.
0:19:40 > 0:19:41That's very good.
0:19:43 > 0:19:46Now, Newton's going to perform his new single in a moment,
0:19:46 > 0:19:48but before you do, there's something I would like to do.
0:19:48 > 0:19:53Because we have an artist here, and because I like to think I have a little bit of the artist in me,
0:19:53 > 0:19:56whenever at home I have this many people round,
0:19:56 > 0:19:59I like to play what I call "The Drawing Game" with them, yeah?
0:19:59 > 0:20:03So what I'm going to do is, I'm going to draw something,
0:20:03 > 0:20:07you're going to try and guess it, and you're going to sign it.
0:20:11 > 0:20:13OK, here go. Here we go.
0:20:16 > 0:20:18Ooh.
0:20:20 > 0:20:24- He's got his tongue out, look! - I have not! Oh, I have, I have.
0:20:27 > 0:20:31How long might one of your works take, Grayson, as long as this?
0:20:31 > 0:20:34- Yes, a lot longer.- Really?- Yeah.
0:20:34 > 0:20:37And am I right in saying about 100 grand is the sort of thing
0:20:37 > 0:20:39I can expect...
0:20:41 > 0:20:42..for this?
0:20:42 > 0:20:44OK. Yeah!
0:20:44 > 0:20:47- All right, OK. All right, are you ready?- I'm ready.
0:20:47 > 0:20:49All right, OK. Now, the three of you...
0:20:49 > 0:20:52- But before you guess what it is... - LAUGHTER
0:20:52 > 0:20:54Shut up!
0:20:54 > 0:20:58Grayson, just artistically, what do you think there?
0:20:58 > 0:21:00It has a sort of relaxed fluency.
0:21:00 > 0:21:02A relaxed fluency!
0:21:02 > 0:21:03I love that!
0:21:03 > 0:21:07On a scale of nine to ten, where would you put it?
0:21:09 > 0:21:12Ooh, well, it depends what you're trying to achieve, doesn't it?
0:21:12 > 0:21:15Well, what are we all trying to achieve?
0:21:15 > 0:21:19- Sarah, what do you think? - Well, you've put musical notes,
0:21:19 > 0:21:21so I'm assuming they're a band.
0:21:21 > 0:21:23Yeah. Not just any old band, though, Newton, eh?
0:21:23 > 0:21:25Westlife.
0:21:28 > 0:21:29Good guess.
0:21:32 > 0:21:33So, come on, you know who that is.
0:21:33 > 0:21:35# Oooh! #
0:21:35 > 0:21:39- That was definitely cheating. - Well, you should've got it by now.
0:21:40 > 0:21:43- That Paul McCartney, that's, that's...- Wings, Wings!
0:21:51 > 0:21:53Come on, it is...?
0:21:55 > 0:22:00- I can hardly say, it won't come out my lips. - Come on.- It's The (Beatles.)
0:22:00 > 0:22:01The Beatles, yes. Yes!
0:22:01 > 0:22:06- Just, just...- Don't do it!- Just pop your signature on that.- Don't do it!
0:22:08 > 0:22:09Rob Brydon.
0:22:10 > 0:22:13You devil!
0:22:18 > 0:22:22Let's take some questions now from the audience.
0:22:22 > 0:22:25This is exciting. Roger Moore?
0:22:25 > 0:22:27- Wow!- Where is Roger? Oh, no!- Ohhh!
0:22:30 > 0:22:33- Hello, Sir Roger.- Hi. - Who's your question for?
0:22:33 > 0:22:35- For Grayson.- Grayson, OK.
0:22:35 > 0:22:38What do you think about Damien Hirst?
0:22:38 > 0:22:40What do I think? Well, he's the artist of our times.
0:22:40 > 0:22:43I mean, we'll look back in 20, 30, 40 years' time,
0:22:43 > 0:22:45and he will sum up the kind of Blairite years.
0:22:45 > 0:22:48The fact that he flogged off all his work at Sotheby's
0:22:48 > 0:22:51for I don't know how many million pound on the day
0:22:51 > 0:22:53that Lehman Brothers went under, that'll be a...
0:22:53 > 0:22:56That's a moment in our history.
0:22:56 > 0:22:58But how do you rate him as an artist?
0:23:02 > 0:23:04He's a...
0:23:04 > 0:23:07Well, he does what he sets out to do.
0:23:07 > 0:23:11Thank you very much. Er, Joshua Mann? That's a great name.
0:23:11 > 0:23:14Where's Joshua? Hey, Joshua Mann, private eye.
0:23:14 > 0:23:17- Hi, Joshua. Who's your question for?- It's for Sarah.
0:23:17 > 0:23:21- Hello.- Hi, Sarah. What's the first joke you ever wrote?
0:23:21 > 0:23:25I wrote a joke that took... Sometimes you try something out and it works straightaway,
0:23:25 > 0:23:27and sometimes it takes a few goes.
0:23:27 > 0:23:30This took five goes before anybody ever laughed, and I was determined...
0:23:30 > 0:23:32- So, a long way to stick with it? - Yeah.
0:23:32 > 0:23:36He's thinking, "I've got to laugh now, just on purpose."
0:23:36 > 0:23:38It was about how you know when you've put weight on.
0:23:38 > 0:23:41It's during the throes of passion and your partner picks you up,
0:23:41 > 0:23:43whether or not they say, "One, two, three," first.
0:23:43 > 0:23:46ROB LAUGHS UPROARIOUSLY
0:23:49 > 0:23:52Right, we've got a question from James Best. Where are you, James?
0:23:52 > 0:23:55- Hello, James. Who's your question for?- My question's for Newton.
0:23:55 > 0:23:58For Newton Faulkner, right. What's the question?
0:23:58 > 0:24:02Newton, my friend Rose and I are very big fans of yours, our favourite song is Dream Catch Me.
0:24:02 > 0:24:05I was just wondering whether you'd be happy to play it to us?
0:24:05 > 0:24:08- Oh, you cheeky devil!- I can probably do that.- Would you do that?
0:24:08 > 0:24:11- Yeah, definitely. - Oh, isn't that lovely?
0:24:19 > 0:24:23- Hey, how you guys doing, are you all right?- Yeah, good, thank you.- Cool.
0:24:23 > 0:24:27# There's a place I go when I'm alone
0:24:27 > 0:24:30# Do anything I want
0:24:30 > 0:24:32# Be anyone I wanna be
0:24:32 > 0:24:39# But it is us I see and I cannot believe I'm falling. #
0:24:41 > 0:24:45Rose, I know we haven't been friends for that long, but I really, really
0:24:45 > 0:24:49like you and I was wondering whether you'd like to be my girlfriend.
0:24:49 > 0:24:50AUDIENCE: Awww!
0:24:55 > 0:24:58CHEERING
0:25:08 > 0:25:09Wow! That is fantastic.
0:25:09 > 0:25:14And can I also say, you're punching above your weight.
0:25:17 > 0:25:21All right, well, listen, you're going to go and sing for us, aren't you, your new single?
0:25:21 > 0:25:24- Yeah, I'm comfy.- Would you like to go and set yourself up?
0:25:24 > 0:25:27- I know you haven't got any shoes on. - No.- Bloody hippy!
0:25:27 > 0:25:30Go and set yourself up on the stage, you'll sing for us in a moment.
0:25:30 > 0:25:34While we get ready for Newton, would you please thank my fantastic guests,
0:25:34 > 0:25:37Grayson Perry and Sarah Millican.
0:25:40 > 0:25:44And now, with his brand-new single, Brick By Brick - Newton Faulkner!
0:25:58 > 0:26:00# I'm hoping it'll all get better
0:26:00 > 0:26:03# But it keeps on getting worse time and time again
0:26:03 > 0:26:06# People running as the earth shakes It's just another earthquake
0:26:06 > 0:26:08# Coming in to break my faith in this
0:26:08 > 0:26:11# Wind blowing off the rooftops Water in the basement
0:26:11 > 0:26:13# It's looking like lightning strikes again
0:26:13 > 0:26:14# It ends and another begins
0:26:14 > 0:26:17# And they will keep on coming They will keep on coming
0:26:17 > 0:26:21# Every single flame burns bright
0:26:21 > 0:26:25# And fades but that's OK
0:26:27 > 0:26:30# My best-laid plans are washed away
0:26:30 > 0:26:32# No time to make 'em all again
0:26:32 > 0:26:37# Sometimes life gets in the way We've got to keep on breathing
0:26:37 > 0:26:39# Look how far we've come
0:26:39 > 0:26:41# Look what we made
0:26:41 > 0:26:45# Started from nothing
0:26:45 > 0:26:50# Building brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick
0:26:50 > 0:26:56# Brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick
0:26:56 > 0:26:58# So we're back to broken hearted Back where we started
0:26:58 > 0:27:00# Everything we built torn down again
0:27:00 > 0:27:03# If this was in the movies but said to be the truth
0:27:03 > 0:27:05# Bet no-one would believe a word of it
0:27:05 > 0:27:08# Fire raging on the hillsides Losing by a landslide
0:27:08 > 0:27:10# Everybody's patience wearing thin
0:27:10 > 0:27:12# It ends and another begins
0:27:12 > 0:27:15# And they'll keep on coming They'll keep on coming
0:27:15 > 0:27:18# Every single flame burns bright
0:27:18 > 0:27:22# And fades but that's OK
0:27:25 > 0:27:27# My best-laid plans are washed away
0:27:27 > 0:27:29# No time to make 'em all again
0:27:29 > 0:27:34# Sometimes life gets in the way We've got to keep on breathing
0:27:34 > 0:27:37# Look how far we've come
0:27:37 > 0:27:40# Look what we made
0:27:40 > 0:27:42# Started from nothing
0:27:42 > 0:27:47# Building brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick
0:27:47 > 0:27:52# Brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick
0:27:52 > 0:28:02# All we have is us to build back up what we have lost
0:28:02 > 0:28:06# But that's enough
0:28:07 > 0:28:15# And every single flame burns bright and fades but that's OK
0:28:18 > 0:28:20# My best-laid plans are washed away
0:28:20 > 0:28:22# No time to make 'em all again
0:28:22 > 0:28:26# Sometimes life gets in the way We've got to keep on breathing
0:28:26 > 0:28:29# Look how far we've come
0:28:29 > 0:28:32# Look what we made
0:28:32 > 0:28:35# Started from nothing
0:28:35 > 0:28:40# Building brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick
0:28:40 > 0:28:45# Brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick
0:28:45 > 0:28:50# Brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick
0:28:50 > 0:28:55# Brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick by brick. #
0:29:05 > 0:29:06Newton Faulkner!
0:29:06 > 0:29:10Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd